TanCrow's Lair

Alone

2012-02-06T18:06:00.002+01:00

I have good friends. I have a good family.

But I'm alone. I found ONE person I could open my heart to. It's not what THEY are, but what I am. I simply can't, it's against me. I feel so much pain. I feel so much anger. And I keep it all inside. It's a burden. Something hard to bear. And I can't open even to myself. I never manage to cry. It's so hard. I need something from outside to cry, to open. The last times have been thanks to a tv show. First, when I've seen their love. And I felt mine, clogged inside me. Then when it becomes clear he's dead. But when the sighs started I already knew, I wasn't crying for him. I was crying for myself. I'm dead without her. I have no meaning.

She is the one that allow me to open. TO take out what I have inside, to release the burden. TO speak my joy, passion, sadness and anger.

Without her I'm lost. I wish I could cry. It would mean I can be happy too. I would mean she is next to me.

Funny

2011-10-25T06:04:00.003+02:00

I just noticed when I wrote my last post.

It was her birthday.

Tomorrow will be mines.

My 25th.

And there's no chance in the world it will be better than the last one.

Cause last year we still talked.

You were not near me. But we had our best moment. And we've never been closer than then.

I miss all that. I miss you...

Happy birthday me...

So long.

2011-10-25T05:54:00.003+02:00

It's almost 6 in the morning.

I'm totally awake, on the couch of my first "my house".

I live by myself.

Not sponsorized by someone. Not in a program.

I'm living my life on my own.

I have a job, sure, part time. And it kinda sucks (could sure be worse) but it has good points.

I have friends. I think I do. I see people caring about me, sometimes I get surprised by how they behave towards me. Mostly I don't understand it.

I'm a weak person. And the bigger part of those who likes me, do so cause of my weakness.

But I wanna be stronger. My weakness isn't taking me anywhere.

Only, if I was to change, I'd lose them, they wouldn't recognize me anymore for what I am.

I don't like my life. I really care about just a few things. And about just a bunch of people.

I have no sense, no meaning. No reason.

But you.

You made my dreams come true.

You made my life meaningful.

You showed me the sense.

YOU are the one that I want.

I see you on cars.

I hear you in commercials and while I work, or at the mall.

You are everywhere, cause YOU are my life.

And even though I can act like I'm fine, even though I can try to keep going and pretend I'm over, I'm not.

I'll never be.

I'll never stop loving you.

I need you, cause you are the part of my life that is missing.

Not a whining, for once... just a confession.

Cause I simply have noone to talk. Cause YOU are the one that I trust more.

If I can't trust you, I can't trust noone.

And I have so much I wish I could tell you.

And I have so much I wish I could live with you.

And I have so much love I wish I could give you.

mi manchi Gaia.

Soooo

2011-06-24T03:47:00.001+02:00

It's friday.
It's Friday AND your day off!
That's cool, it almost never happens to you to have Friday off!
AND it's her birthday!!!!
I mean, it's perfect, you could hang out, chat, have a nice time!
You could go make her a surprise and... Oh
Right.
She lives about 5000miles away. There's an ocean between you two. And, more than that, when you told her you'd have gladly gone to visit her, asked for days at work, bought the ticket... Well, she said she doesn't want you to.

I'll spend my day playing with the xbox. How will your day be?

2011-06-21T22:27:00.001+02:00

I need caresses... I need hugs, and kisses. I need affection and care... I need to feel loved...

2011-06-21T03:38:00.001+02:00

I so would need a hug right now... I so would need someone to really care...

I guess

2011-06-21T01:59:00.001+02:00

I'll be found alone, in my apartment, slained by a dozen cats...
That's how ill end up...

Uh, uh...

2011-06-11T23:17:00.000+02:00

Woah. Really on the edge of breaking down.
Tired, physically and mentally, nervous...
Broke glasses twice during evening shift (thing totally unnatural for me) and almost answered badly to a customer...
Need rest. Mental rest. How do you get that?

3years and a half ago

2011-06-05T05:11:00.000+02:00

I was leaving for the Us, going on an adventure, everyone was proud of me, i was so excited and full of life.
3years and a half later, im under a tree near a river, at 5 am, listening to the water flowing, wondering where did i go wrong, and what is the meaning of me being here...

Karma is a bitch...

...

2011-06-05T04:13:00.000+02:00

Im a really shitty person. I make people trust me, and i use their trust to my own gain.
Im fake. Im subtle. Stay away from me.

Noone knows me.
Only you did, and you dont care...

...

2011-06-05T04:06:00.000+02:00

I dont know...

2011-05-30T16:05:00.000+02:00

Everyone's life has a meaning. Someone never gets to know it, someone does.
I found mine. And I'm watching it slowly disappearif. Getting away from me...
I'm losing the meaning of my life. Feeling so empty...

Somethin stupid

2011-05-30T14:42:00.000+02:00

Feeling like doing something stupid.
Something extremely stupid...

Don't speak

2011-05-30T05:33:00.000+02:00

Wow...
Just that...
How did it go that bad?
I'm utterly amazed...
I have no words...

ugh

2011-05-27T20:11:00.001+02:00

Just realized I went from "sleeping in the same room (bed actually...) with the woman I love" to "sleeping in the same room (ROOM! NOT BED) with an over fifty, overweight HIGLY SNORING guy"

Way to go :S

I'm fucking sick of it

2011-05-23T17:18:00.003+02:00

Sick of being the one who always care.

Sick of being the ONLY one who cares.

The one who damns himself in order to solve other people problems, when they don't even attempt to solve them in the first place.

To be the one who always thinks about the others before than himself, and to feel bad, if I sometime act egoistically.

I have my OWN FUCKING SHITTY LIFE.

I HAVE MY DAMN OWN PROBLEMS.

And they are damn more than enough for me not to have to think about yours. GROW PEOPLE.

YOU ALL.

You won't always have someone looking after you.

Fuck you all, all of you who doesn't care about anything and anyone.

And to myself for caring too much about everything and everyone.

Breakdown

2010-08-11T15:09:00.002+02:00

And finally, after months... the breakdown.

Crying... Crying it all out...

I needed it...

I need you...

143

2010-08-09T21:43:00.001+02:00

I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You.

omg

2010-08-04T02:05:00.001+02:00

omg wow....really...

O.O

2010-07-16T02:18:00.001+02:00

So? What i should think now?

Damn...

So far, from my lair, it's all.
Thanks for the attention

Illusion

2010-07-15T18:06:00.002+02:00

i don't need other words...

I don't know

2010-07-14T02:08:00.002+02:00

I really don't... it looks so obvious, so clear. Still I don't feel sure, I still fear I could be imagining it all.
She said it. Does she really mean it. Does she mean it the way I do, the way I want her to?
Or is it just a nice way to say she feels something for me.
It's so weird. She said the words I most wanted her to say. And still I'm here, wondering if I can finally be free to be happy...
I wish it to be true...

Again...

2010-07-05T21:40:00.003+02:00

So here I am back.
Did you miss me?
Had a very bad period, not out of it yet actually. I really miss her. I really feel like I care about nothing... We started talking again, after a lot of time. We had a few chats a while ago, then for her birthday, as a "present" I mailed her my thoughts, the one I wrote down, or noted on my cellphone, during the past year.
Then we got to talk again, seriously this time. She liked that. She said things that gives me hope. and at the same time, nothing to be sure of.
She said next time I should say what I feel before that the person they are aimed to, leaves the country. She said that they reached her heart, and she loves the way I write. She said she would like to see me, and she miss me.
So many things she said.
So many she said before all this, and that meant nothing in the end. What should I expect this time?
She was sorry for the way she tried to close all this. and for how she reacted, and things she wrote me. And I can't be angry at her. But does this means something changed?

I really am scared by how happy she is to talk with me, how she act like if she was jealous, or sad when I have to leave.
Let not this be all dust, again...
Let not this be just me dreaming...
Please...

Motivation

2010-05-15T01:12:00.000+02:00

So how do you tell the person you love, Who is trying to help you out of your tunnel of misery, that they Are the reason for you to be in it?
How do you answer when they ask you why you lack of motivation, and you know the reason is that you miss them too much to care about anything else?
When they ask you what you really can't do without, and the only answer you come up with is "You"...

To this one I actually answered honestly, even if I backed up right after...

So tired of this all...

So far, from my lair, it's all.
Thanks for the attention

2 years.

2010-04-26T13:32:00.001+02:00

Just look at me, Im living proof, that time heals nothing!
Just look at me, Im living proof, that time heals nothing!

I've got these feelings, alive in my head
Don't listen to reason, they only see red
And I'm coming to get you, coming to get you
On the day I find you the sun will shine,
the birds will sing, everything will be right
I'm coming to get you, And I'm coming to get you

I miss you so much. I love you so much...