I can remember when my oldest son was almost 2, a storm rolled in and we were out in the sun room enjoying the breeze when the thunder boomed. It was so loud and caught me off guard that I let out a yelp. My sweet little boy looked at me with fear in his eyes. It was in that moment that I realized how much my actions as a parent would shape this little person. My happiness would become his happiness, my sorrow could be witnessed in his eyes and my fears would be his fears.

Storms do not scare me, in fact it’s the opposite.  Some of my fondest memories of my grandmother are the both of us sitting on the front porch watching the rain. I am a storm watcher. Although storms can be destructive they are one of God’s mighty wonders. My yelp was a reaction to an unexpected occurrence. The thunder was loud and seemed to hover right over us. It simply caught me off guard.

My son didn’t cry but he watched for my reaction in anticipation of this obtrusive noise to occur again. Then it happened. BOOM! They were quite earth shattering booms, but this time I reacted with surprise and delight. I clapped and swung my little boy around with joy as if he in some way took part in the massive noise.

After that day he hardly flinches at the sound of thunder, like me he finds it a wonder. On occasion we will get one of those same unexpected booms and we both kind of jump and I again am remembered of this great duty I have as a parent and actions are often stronger than words.

Have you ever seen a person that is riddled with a broken past who has yet to find forgiveness? His brow is furrowed, smiles come harder. His demeanor alludes that he is much to busy to be bothered, yet he isn’t really doing anything. You may have crossed paths with this man before. Maybe in the grocery check out line. His attitude stinks and he plans on bringing everyone down around him. Something deep down is making him not enjoy life.

If you think about it, it really takes a lot of work to be angry or to hold a grudge. Some people have spent years perfecting it, why would they let a strangers smile break that kind of track record? When people are angry they have to actively remind themselves of  what it was that hurt them in the first place. You’re not only beating that person up in your mind but you’re also beating yourself up.

I am not belittling these issues at all, very bad things do happen. But replaying that hurt only kindles a fire. Fueling that fire takes up way more energy than if we were to let go and move on. You have to throw on log after log to keep that fire going. It is a lot of work carrying these logs around with you through life. In the end you are almost proud because you kept it going so long, somehow thinking bitterness was the band-aid. But eventually  you focus on the bad so much the good slowly fades away.

God wants us to give it all to him and forgive those that trespassed against us. If you were to let that fire smolder it would eventually die off. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you will forget. However, your attitude can be changed. If you aren’t filling your heart up with that anger you can let goodness in.

Have you been fueling the angry fire lately?

The phone rings… His story plays like a broken record, over and over again. I used to hate answering his calls due to this repetitious behavior. A call could last 30 minutes or 3 hours, one could never tell. That’s why I usually waited to hear his voice on the answering machine to see what state he was in.  I knew his binge and sleep pattern and could usually determine the best time to talk. I was never strong enough to just say, “Dad I can’t talk right now” and hang up. If I caught him in one of those moments the call could leave my whole day unhinged, so sometimes I didn’t answer.

It was the same story each time, past hurts, lost love, abuse, rejection and regret. As the years went on my Dad went out less. The anxiety heightened and his depression was suffocating him. He tried to drink it away.

I once told him that he needed to let go and try to forget. I was here, he had 3 beautiful grandchildren that were here. All he needed to do was take a step forward. He asked me how I could forgive and move on so easily. He wondered how I could still love him even if he wasn’t there for me. I told him because “You’re my Daddy, I will always love you. The past is gone, we have right now to make up for it.”

He just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t move forward. My Dad died 21 days ago, at the age of 55. He had cirrhosis of the liver and terminal liver cancer. The drinking simply caught up to him. His death reunited me with some of his old friends. It reminded me of the Dad I had when I was little, still imperfect, yet full of life. He smiled a lot and didn’t hurt so much. That is the man I choose to remember.

Last weekend my husband found a message on the machine from him. It started… “Hey girl,” That was his thing. What I would give for one of those phone calls right now, to sit and soak in his voice one last time.

I think there comes a time in everyone’s life when we question what we are going to do next. A stone is thrown and it casts a ripple across the water. That stone might be experiencing a different culture, meeting someone new or trying something out of your comfort zone. Whatever your stone is, the ripples left behind can change the course of your life forever. I say be open to those ripples. Where will they take you if you allow them to? Have a dream? Go after it! What are you afraid of? Failure?

There are hundreds of quotes on failure vs. success. Great ones. Inspiring ones. A lot of people failed before they succeeded. But they tried. They might have fallen on their butts but they tried and they got back up again. Maybe the original plan didn’t pan out but that failure will give you something to learn from or something new to go after.

I have two old books that were published posthumously as a tribute to Elbert Hubbard. I picture his personal moleskine filled with his thoughts and curiosities taken and turned into book form. The books alone are fabulous pieces of art but the words inside are thought provoking. All this to say, while there are many quotes out there about failure, this one by Elbert Hubbard stood out to me most.