Tapsilugan sa Kanto

Joke time

rcb — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 14:01:43 +0000

MOMMY: Bagsak ka na naman!!! Bakit di mo gayahin si Juan palaging honor student.

===

ANAK: Unfair naman kung ikukumpara nyo ko kay Juan.

MOMMY: Bakit naman aber?!

ANAK: Matalino kaya nanay nun!!!

DOC: Lola, kelan ho ba kayo huling nakipagtalik?
LOLA: Maga 1955 ho
DOC: Matagal na ho pala ano?
LOLA: Hindi naman! (sabay tingin sa relo)
20:55 pa lang naman ah. Shocked

===

Cabinet Meeting:
GMA: Kung sinuman tamaan ng bolang ito ay siyang magre-resign.
(initsa and bola, tumalbog pabalik sa kanya)
GMA: O, praktis lang un! Ulet! Ulet! Roll Eyes

Office Memo

rcb — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 12:19:52 +0000

EFFECTIVE: IMMEDIATELY

SUBJECT: NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

· Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

· Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

· Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to the department. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Pass this on to all who are employed!

Havaianas VS. Spartan

rcb — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 02:45:33 +0000

Havaianas VS. Spartan

Pangalan: Havaianas

Lugar na pinanggalingan: São Paulo, Brazil

Pagbigkas:
ah-vai-YAH-nas (Brazilian Portuguese)
hah-vee-ah-naz (American English)
OMG!-hAH- va- yaH-naZz!! (Filipino)

Materyal na ginamit: Malupit na goma (High-quality rubber).

Presyo: Hindi ko alam. Ganito na lang,
1 pares ng Havaianas = 100 pares ng Spartan

Mga nagsusuot: Mga konyotik at mga mayaman..

Malulupit na katangian at kakayahan:
– Masarap isuot.
– ‘Shock-absorbent ‘
– Malambot ngunit matibay.
– Makukuha sa sandamakmak na kulay, disenyo at burloloy.
– Maaaring isuot sa loob ng Starbucks.
– Mainam na pang-japorms.
– Mainam i-terno sa I-Pod at Caramel Macchiato.
– Mapipilitan kang maglinis ng mga kuko mo sa paa.
– Maaari ka nang mag-dikwatro sa loob ng mga pampublikong lugar at sasakyan.
– Magiging ‘fashionable’ ka kapag ikaw ay nagkukuyakoy.

Olats na mga katangian:
Mahal!
Mahal!
Mahal!

_____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ __

Pangalan: Spartan

Lugar na Pinanggalingan: Metro Manila , Philippines

Pagbigkas:
spar-tan (American English)
is-par-tan (Filipino)

Materyal na ginamit: Pipitsuging goma (Low-quality rubber).
Presyo: Wala pang 50 pesos.
Isang pares ng Spartan = 20 piraso ng pan de coco.

Mga nagsusuot: Ako at ang masa! Nyahaha!

Malulupit na katangian at kakayahan:
– Maaring ipampatay sa ipis.
– Maaring ipampalo sa mga batang suwail at damuho..
– Pwedeng ipanglusong sa baha at putikan.
– Pwedeng ipamalengke.
– Mainam gamitin sa tumbang-preso.
– Mainam gawing ‘shield’ kapag naglalaro ng espa-espadahan.
– Mainam isuot sa siko bilang proteksyon habang naglalaro ng piko.
– Mainam na pambato sa picha o shuttlecock na sumabit sa puno.
– Mainam na pangkulob sa pumuputok na watusi.
– Kapag ginupit-gupit nang pahugis ‘cube,’ e maaari mo nang
gawing pamato sa larong Bingo na kadalasang makikita sa mga lamay ng patay).

Olats na mga katangian:
* Madaling magkawalaan kapag hinubad dahil halos pare-pareho lang ang hisura.
* Masakit isuot kapag may mga balahibo ang mga daliri mo sa paa.
* Minsan kapag ipinambato mo ito sa picha o shuttlecock na nakasabit sa puno, e nadadamay pati yung tsinelas .

Dont use drugs

rcb — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 08:06:43 +0000

joke joke joke

rcb — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 03:45:53 +0000

The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make
at least 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don’t you throw 2 checks for half a million each
and thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and
make four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
“but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window
and make all the Filipinos happy?”

DEATH of MR.BEAN’S MOTHER
Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom’s dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.)
Friend: what now, Mr. Bean?
Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too.

NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak ” LEON ” baliktad ng Noel.
NINO: sa akin ONIN baliktad ng NINO..
TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo!

Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!

MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating
anak, ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga.

NUN: mother! I was raped. What shall I do?
Mother SUPERIOR: here, take this calamansi.
NUN: will this ease the pain?
Mother SUPERIOR: sipsipin mo! Nang mawala ngiti sa mukha mo, gaga!

SA OSPITAL…..
WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.

ATE: pabili ng pilis.
TINDERA: ano po?
A: pilis po!
T: ha? Dilis?
A: pilis po.
T: ano? Philip?
A: pilis nga! Yung nudols.

sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan para
makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin.
BANTAY: [sinita si Juan] ano yan?
JUAN: [galit pa!] manok!
BANTAY: alam ko, eh bakit inahin?
JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo!

sa loob ng mall….
GUY: love, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
JOWA: ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since.

GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang
tarantado!

INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh!
Anong sabi?
ANAK: ‘you only have zero pesos in your account…’ hindi ko na tinapos
nay mukhang matapobre.

nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko
lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!

ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!

PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.

paramihan ng anak.
HAPONESA: pumasok, bitbit 10 anak.
(palakpakan)
AMERIKANA: pumasok, bitbit 20 anak.
(palakpakan)
PINAY: pumasok, sigawan ang audience! “GO NAY!!”

may nakakita sakin sa dalampasigan. malungkot at nagiisa. sabi niya,
‘kung mahal mo siya, bakit di mo ipadama?’ sumagot ako,
‘mahal ka diyan?!!! naiwan ako sa outing tanga.’

kung totoo ang ‘ Darwin ‘s theory of evolution’ na ang tao ay nagmula
sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?

DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali
sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.

ERAP SA PIZZA HUT
WAITER: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8
slices?
ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos.

SALESGIRL: sir, you can’t smoke here.
CUSTOMER: but I bought these cigars from your store.
SALESGIRL: we also sell condoms, but it doesn’t mean you can f*ck here

Para sa mga masisipag mag trabaho

rcb — Thu, 29 May 2008 06:17:21 +0000

ANO ANG DAPAT GAWIN KUNG TINATAMAD KANG MAGTRABAHO ?

Sa buhay empleyado merong dalawang pagpipilian kung tinatamad kang magtrabaho.

A. Una ay umabsent.

1. Kapag umiikot na kaagad sa katawan mo ang katamaran pagkagising pa lang sa umaga ay mag-isip ka na kaagad ng palusot kung bakit ka aabsent. Paalala: dapat ay memoryado mo ang mga dahilang nagamit mo na dati (tip: gumawa ng isang logbook) ng sa gayon ay hindi ka parang sirang plakang nag-uulit lang lagi ng rason ng di pagpasok. Alalahanin na tuso din ang mga bossing.

2. Kapag nakaisip ka na ng magandang dahilan ay agad mag-text o tumawag sa bossing mo, the earlier the better. Kung ayaw mo ng madaming tanong e mag-text ka at kung nais mo namang tumawag ay siguraduhin mong magaling kang umarte kagaya ng kung ikaw ay kunwaring me sakit ay umubo ka ng paunti-unti habang kinakausap ang bossing mo.

3. Matapos mag-text/tumawag ay bumalik sa higaan at magplano ka na ng gusto mong gawin sa buong araw. Malaking posibilidad na magtutulog ka lang buong araw. Sya nga pala, kapag tumawag ang opisina sa kalagitnaan ng araw, laging tandaan ang rasong ginamit (consistent ka dapat), maaari namang i-off mo na lang ang phone mo para hindi ka maistorbo buong araw.

BABALA: Siguraduhing regular ka na sa kumpanyang pinagtratrabahuhan kung ikaw ay mag-aabsent.

B. Pangalawa ay pumasok

Eto ang dapat gawin ng mga empleyado kapag tinatamad magtrabaho pero ayaw umabsent. Ang mga taong ito ay nuknukan ng kapal ng mukha. Ang mga sumusunod na instructions ay napakasimple pero effective. Meron ding oras na nakatakda, magsisismula ng alas ocho ng umaga at magtatapos ng alas singko ng hapon.

1. Pumasok ng sakto sa oras. Huwag kang male-late at huwag ka din namang excited masyado. 8:00

2. Pagdating mo sa opisina ay ilapag mo lang kaagad ang gamit mo sa lamesa at magtungo kaagad sa pantry. Magtimpla ng kape o kung anuman ang iniinom mo pag umaga. Habang nasaloob ay makipag-usap sa mga tao doon, patagalin mo ang usapan (tip: pag-usapan ang mga headline ngayong araw o mga nangyari kahapon sa loob ng opisina). Kung walang tao sa pantry ay mag-yaya ka ng kasama bago pa man pumasok doon. 8:00-8:30

3. Matapos sa pantry ay magtungo na sa lamesa mo dala-dala pa din ang kape, ito ay para hindi ka antukin buong araw. Buksan ang computer… continued at rcbgallery

Joke for the day…

rcb — Wed, 07 May 2008 05:18:13 +0000

Summer Job Opportunities:

Package 1
– P 5,000/hr
– enchanted kingdom
– taga tulak ng anchor’s away

Package 2
– P 7,000/day
– palengke
– taga lista ng noisy

Package 3
– P 800/min
– star city
– taga hila ng roller coaster

Package 4
– P 900/min
– quezon ave
– ikaw yung humps

Package 5
– P 5,000/hr
– PLDT
– ikaw yung dial tone

===

Mga kasabihan ni BOY BASTOS:

– natuto kang lumandi, mag tiis ka sa hapdi

– nasa kama ang sarap, nasa ospital ang hirap

– kapag l!b*g an pinairal, sira ang pag aaral

– walang pangit sa t!t!ng galit

– pangit man daw at maliit sa paningin, nakakabuntis pa rin

– mahapdi man sa unang tikim, luluwang at luluwang din!

===

kumg amoy putok ka….

BE PROUD!

…pinagpawisan mo yan eh!

40 Mistakes Men Make While Having Sex With Women

rcb — Tue, 06 May 2008 08:26:41 +0000

1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which your rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs.When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts?
Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and higop them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good.Pretending they’re a dogie toy, isn’t.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel.There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them someattention.

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there,keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

1 GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she’ll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly,with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD. you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has somethi ng to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

2 MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not.
Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputatio n for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words “__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off.

Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES. is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY. makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know

3 NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you.Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.Women, You should forward this to all your boyfriends/husbands foruninterrupted PLEASURE !!!

A letter from dad.

rcb — Fri, 02 May 2008 07:32:30 +0000

Minamahal kong anak,

Medyo mabagal akong mag type ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal kang
magbasa.
Nandito na kami sa probinsya para tirahan ang bagong bili na bahay. Pero
hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating nakatira ang
number para daw hindi na sila magpapalit ng address.

Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Manila. Dalawang beses lang umulan
sa
linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa.

Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad nung nabili ko na shampoo,
ayaw bumula. Nakasulat FOR DRY HAIR kaya hindi ko binabasa ang buhok ko
pag
ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa tindahan at magrereklamo ako.

Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw
bumukas
ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay YALE, eh aba namalat na ako sa kasisigaw
ay
hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng bahay, akala
nila hindi ko alam na SIGAW ang tagalog ng YALE, wise yata ito!

Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na
magugustuhan
mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo sa dahil medyo mahal daw dahil mabigat ang
mga
botones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga botones at
inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo na lang pag dating
diyan.

Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi ko na
pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor.

Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon siyang 500
na
tao na under sa kanya. Nag-gugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa memorial park,
okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod. Nakapanganak na rin pala
ang
ate baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung babae o lalake kaya hindi ko pa
masasabi
na kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or auntie.

Isa pa nga pala, babalik ako diyan sa Oktubre pero naguguluhan ako. Di
ba
yung Victory Liner, BLTB Liner, Pascual Liner at Alfonso Liner ay mga
pampasaherong bus. Yung Panty Liner, bus din ba yun? Saan ba ang
Terminal
nila?

At saka nga pala, me nag-interview sa akin diyan at nakalimutan kong
banggitin sa iyo taga Magandang Umaga Bayan daw siya at nakunan ako sa
TV
ang tanong sa akin ay ano raw sa salitang english ang Kulangot. Di ko
nasagot… ikaw anak, alam mo?

Wala na akong masyadong balita. Sumulat ka na lang ng madalas ha.

Love,
Tatay

P.S. Maglalagay sana ako ng pera kaya lang ay naisara ko na ang
envelope.

ATENEO de MANILA UNIVERSITY FINAL EXAMINATIONS

rcb — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 03:43:46 +0000

Have you ever wondered how you would have fared as either a LaSallite or an Atenean?

Here’s your chance to find out! Take either the La Salle Final Exams or the Ateneo Final Exams. Or take both and find out what makes each one tick.

ATENEO de MANILA UNIVERSITY FINAL EXAMINATIONS

Instructions:
Answer all questions.
Time Limit: 4 hours.
Begin immediately.

1. HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

2. MEDICINE
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of
gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not
suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15
minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language
except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million
years earlier, with special attention to its probable
effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your
thesis.

5. MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with
flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6. PSYCHOLOGY
Based on you degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate
the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and
repressed frustrations of each of the following:

Alexander of Aphrodisias
Rameses II
Gregory of Nicea
Hammurabi.

Support your evaluations with quotations from each man’s
work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to
translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany
the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your
theory.

8. MANAGEMENT SCIENCE
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why?
Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial
decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals,
each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the
communications interface and all necessary control programs.

9. ENGINEERING
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an
instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a
hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take
whatever action you feel is apropriate. Be prepared to
justify your decisions.

10. ECONOMICS
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following
areas:

Cubism
Donatist Controversy
Wave Theory of Light

Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize
this method from all possible points of view. Point out the
deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in you
answer to the last question.

11. POLITICAL SCIENCE
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start
World War III. Report at length on its socio-political
effects; if any.

13. PHYSICS
Explain the nature of matter. Include in you answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics
on science.

14. PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any kind of
thought.

15. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

***EXTRA CREDIT***
Define the universe; give three examples.

DE LA SALLE UNIVERSITY FINAL EXAMS (Take Home)

Time Limit: 3 Weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire
with particular reference to architecture, literature, law
and social conditions or give the first name of Pierre
Trudeau?

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
a. Build a bridge
b. Sail the ocean
c. lead an army or
d. WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America’s far north called?
a. Westerners
b. Northerners
c. Southerners

9. Spell — Bush, Carter, and Clinton
BUSH: _ _ _ _
CARTER: _ _ _ _ _ _
CLINTON: _ _ _ _ _ _ _

10. Six kings of England have been called George, last one
being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Were does rain come from?
a. Macy’s
b. 7-11
c. Canada
d. the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of relativity?
a. yes
b. no
c. maybe
d. I don’t know

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for
what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
or spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples
do you have?

18. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

19. The DLSU tradition for excellence in education began
when (approximately)?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. still waiting

***You must answer three or more questions
in order to graduate Magna Cum Laude.***