Tara Barthel -- Considerable Grace

Marks of Maturity

HT: Pastor Anyabwile at PureChurch for linking to this great post by Al Mohler on The Marks of Manhood.

He makes thirteen points that are all worth reading and reflecting on:

1. Spiritual maturity sufficient to lead a wife and children

2. Personal maturity sufficient to be a responsible husband and father

3. Economic maturity sufficient to hold an adult job and handle money

4. Physical maturity sufficient to work and protect a family

5. Sexual maturity sufficient to marry and fulfill God’s purposes

6. Moral maturity sufficient to lead as example of righteousness

7. Ethical maturity sufficient to make responsible decisions

8. Worldview maturity sufficient to understand what is really important

9. Relational maturity sufficient to understand and respect others

10. Social maturity sufficient to make a contribution to society

11. Verbal maturity sufficient to communicate and articulate as a man

12. Character maturity sufficient to demonstrate courage under fire

13. Biblical maturity sufficient to lead at some level in the church

I never would have been able to articulate it at the time, but sixteen years ago when I met and was immediately attracted to Fred, I am sure that I did evaluate his potential to be my husband along very similar criteria.

I encourage you to read and enjoy the entire article. It might prove to be a good starting point for conversations with both young men and young women.

Thanking God for mature men who befriended and shepherded me in the church when I was a teenager and young adult---they really modeled what godly manhood is all about.

And thanking God for my beloved hubby---

Yours,
Tara B.

Only If You Feel Like Having a Little Cry

HT: Challies.com for this link:

Please do keep praying for our soldiers, sailors, airmen, guardsmen, and marines; their families; and all of the chaplains serving them too.

Guns and Exploratorium and Football, Oh My!

We're enjoying some very late nights playing Wii hunting games and chatting with Uncle Fred. I didn't think I'd be so into it! But it's very addictive. (Ella thinks so too ... ;) )

Yesterday was a super-fun-Auntie Kali & Uncle Fred-adventure-with-Sophia-day at the San Francisco Exploratorium:

And today we had a great time at the Bears-49ers game at Candlestick Park:

All thanks to the generosity of sistah Kali (for the tickets) and sistah-in-law Penny (who took care of the girls for us):

Hope your day was a blessed one too!

G'nite and God bless,
Tara B.

Being Human vs. Sinning

Sophie and I had a long conversation this morning about the differences between life in a fallen world as a fallen human being and intentional sin.

It was prompted by a pattern I'm seeing develop in her heart and behavior: After being given an instruction or correction, she is over-reacting and responding with very strong emotions that often manifest themselves as anger. She tries to hold it in and stuff it down, but we both know it's there.

Thankfully, I've been blessed by such wonderful books as Uprooting Anger, The Heart of Anger, and Don't Make Me Count to Three, so I knew that her angry responses were just the presenting issues---the proverbial tip of the iceberg as it were.

The real issue (as always) was a heart issue. And the only hope we ever have for heart issues must begin and end with the gospel.

Thankfully, Ella was in the mood to just play quietly between us on the bed, because we spent a good hour talking, crying, praying, and reading Scripture together. I don't think I can remember everything we discussed, but here are a few of the highlights:

1. We used the example (hypothetical) of walking down the sidewalk, tripping, and hurting someone else.
- In the first example, I was walking carefully and paying attention---but I still tripped and hurt Sophie's leg badly. How should I respond? Should I apologize and try to help her feel better? Yes. Should I beat myself up and say, "I'm such a horrible person!", and have the rest of our day ruined by my mistake? No. I should give myself grace because, although I feel very sad that I hurt Sophie, it was completely unintentional. It was simply life in a fallen world. A mistake. And grace covers not only our sins but our mistakes too.
- In the next example, I was carrying a bunch of boxes while I walked down the sidewalk and Fred had just given me some wise counsel to be careful and possibly consider not carrying so many boxes all at once because I could trip and hurt myself or hurt someone else. He hadn't commanded me, but he did instruct me and if I had been wise and listened to him, I could have avoided hurting Sophie. But I didn't.
In that situation, my culpability is higher because I made an intentionally foolish decision and as a result, I accidentally hurt Sophie. It was still an accident, sure. But I could have avoided it if I had listened to counsel. So I need to ask Sophie to forgive me and strive to grow in wisdom by learning from my mistake.
- But in the final example, I was driving my car 70 miles per hour in a 55 mph zone. I knew the law and I intentionally disobeyed it. And then I caused an accident that hurt someone.
- Whoa! Now we're in an entirely different realm, aren't we? Because I sinned. I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I need to confess to God and to others. I am called to repent and change.

(Then we had a little side lesson on the doctrine of sin---especially what "lack of conformity" means. It involved playdoh and a bouncy ball and how the playdoh CONFORMED to the bouncy ball, etc.)
2. And what is the first step of repenting? Sophie said, "Feeling bad about your sin." So, of course, I had to correct her.
No. The first part of repenting is not feeling bad about your sin. The first step of repentance is to remember. What do we remember? Who GOD is and who WE are in Christ.
This was quite a telling point in our conversation because when I said, "Sophie, we must remember who we REALLY are. Who are we? How would you complete this sentence: 'I am ...'"? Sophie said, "A sinner."

!!OUCH!! My momma heart cringed. Oh! How I do NOT want that to be the first thing Sophie thinks. So I said, "Yes, Sophie, you are a sinner. But MORE importantly, what are you? You are LOVED. Chosen. Holy. Dearly, dearly loved.

3. This led into an entire conversation about just HOW MUCH she is loved, especially when she is sinning. That when she is caught in sin, God's love for her and my love for her do not change, waver, or stop. In fact, our love compels us to draw even CLOSER to her, to help her, to rescue her because we love her so much.
The example I used for this was picturing the three of us (Sophia, Ella, and me) at a park when Ella is JUST starting to walk as a little toddler. I asked Sophie what she would do if Ella ignored my instruction to stay away from the high playground equipment and suddenly found her little toddler self WAY up high on the very, very edge of the play area. Would Sophie say, "You are a TERRIBLE little girl, Ella! You should be ashamed of yourself. Momma said not to do that and you did it anyway and now you could be REALLY hurt. You are SO bad! You'd better start being good and THEN I'll love you again."

Sophie said, "Of course not! I would RUN to her and snatch her back from the edge and comfort her and hold her. But, yes, when I knew she was safe, I would tell her not to do that again. And I would take her to you because she probably would need a painful consequence so she would really learn her lesson and be safe in the future."

"Would you stop loving her when she was bad?" I asked.
"No!" Sophie replied.

"Would you want Ella to spend the rest of our day at the park hiding her face, crying, and saying what a terrible little girl she is?" I wondered.
"Of course not!" Sophie said.

"Sophie, it's the same thing for YOU," I explained. "When you are caught in sin, you are putting yourself in DANGER. And since it's my duty to help keep you safe and train you to see that the way of the sinner is HARD, but there are blessings in obedience, I do discipline and instruct you. But I do so BECAUSE I love you. It is my love that COMPELS me to rescue you. I don't stop loving you, step back, and wait for you to get your act together. I run after you, just like you ran after Ella.

Then we read some Scriptures that affirmed all of these truths and we were just in the middle of praying when Fred came and joined us.

Oh! What a wise husband I have. I'll close this blog post with his counsel to Sophie ...

After hearing about all that happened in our morning and the various lessons we were discussing, he also encouraged Sophie to remember that God has apparently made her heart with passionate, strong emotions. She feels passionately happy and passionately sad. This is great for making music and creating all sorts of interesting things in life (poetry, writing, art)---but it also means that she needs to remember her tendency will be to feel things very, very strongly. So she needs to guard against that and be wise, especially when she's prone to feel overly sad and self-condemning.

(What a good reminder and lesson for me too!)

There is grace for our personalities, our frailties, weaknesses, mistakes---and yes, for our sin too. We can be forgiven because God is a forgiving, gracious God.

Blessings on your day!
-- Tara B.

Worship is ...

"Worship is the submission of all of our nature to God. It is the quickening of the conscience by his holiness; the nourishment of mind with his truth; the purifying of imagination by his beauty; the opening of the heart to his love; the surrender of will to his purpose-—-all this gathered up in adoration, the most selfless emotion of which our nature is capable." William Temple

(HT: RZIM Slice 2070)

Be Careful Little Eyes What You See

* WARNING * PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THIS POST DISCUSSES AN ADULT TOPIC THAT MIGHT NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR ALL AGES * WARNING *

Please consider joining me in prayer this week for all of the people serving at and attending the CCEF Conference: S*x Matters. And please do consider keeping tabs on their communications next weekend because hopefully someone will be live-blogging the entire event and I just know it's going to be great.

Yes, it may be strange in some ways to talk about this topic so openly and intensely. (At least it is for me.) But it is also so very important! And I trust the CCEF staff 100% to approach it from a Christ-centered, Christ-exalting, biblically-faithful manner.

Plus, just reading some (excellent!) recent blog posts by Tim Challies and his wife, Aileen on the topic of s*x has already helped me to more comfortably broach the topic with some young adults in my life---and I am so grateful.

Single, engaged, married, divorced, widowed ... s*x affects us all. And yet it can so often be treated as "the topic that shall not be discussed." It really shouldn't be that way! Gracious, God-centered living in authentic community (within churches that love us enough to discipline us and help us to grow in grace) MEANS that we are going to be willing to talk about s*x.

I can give you lots of examples of this from my own Christian life (some good, some bad):

- A Christian friend reaching out to me in college over her struggle with habitual m*sturbation and dark s*xual thoughts. And me pretty much whiffing the ball and giving some (loving but) lame response that I still cringe over because I simply had NO IDEA HOW TO HELP HER.

- My own struggles (and failures!) re: s*xual sins as a teenager and young adult and the increasing GUILT that burdened me (and then often tempted me to sin even more).

- A church leader coming to me when I was in college and loving me enough to engage with me on this topic. He was so humble and gentle. He shared appropriately from his own struggles, pointed me to Christ, encouraged me, AND committed to praying regularly for me. (So many times when I was tempted, I thought to myself, "This church leader is praying for ME!" I can't tell you what that meant to me.)

- My spiritual grandfather (Grandpa Bernie) talking so comfortably with me about his desire to remarry a wonderful woman after the loss of his beloved wife of 53 years. He had such a twinkle in his eye as we played Rummikub and he discussed not only her intellect, spiritual beauty, generous heart---but also how nice it would be to have someone "to have an to hold if you know what I mean" again. (What a guilt-free, pure & light, beautiful image of s*x the way God intended it! That had a huge impact on me as a college student. I said to myself, "I want THAT! 53+ years of THAT.")

- Fred's generous, gracious, lavish forgiveness of me as I confessed my sins to him during our courtship. (And his humble response of, "I've sinned much worse than that in my own MIND" to comfort me and remind me that he is just like me---even though it sure didn't feel so at the time.)

- One of Fred's brothers and his wife loving us enough to sit down with us during our engagement and talk about s*x. It was SO AWKWARD!! But so many times, especially during our first few years of married life, their counsel, concrete examples, and encouragement came back to me and were a huge help to me as a young wife.

- Dear friends in grad school sitting down with us during our engagement and asking us hard, direct questions about our physical relationship because they were concerned that we may be slipping into s*xual sin before marriage and they didn't want us to miss out on the joy of an unsullied marital bed. (What courage!)

- Countless (direct, specific, saying the words that make me uncomfortable in the moment but that are SO IMPORTANT!) conversations with young people over the years re: what they are or aren't doing with their significant others and what they are or aren't watching on the internet / tv / at the movies.

- One of my elder's wives being such a true friend and talking with me about our s*x life during that very rough season Fred and I went through when Sophie was a toddler and we miscarried our second child. I did NOT want to talk with her! It was so awkward for me, but she was such a real friend to me and such a real help to our marriage.

Obviously, I could go on and on, but I won't.

I will, however, encourage you to:

- Read Tim Challies FREE ebooks: Sexual Detox for the Married Guy and Sexual Detox for the Single Guy (and keep checking back on his blog for more articles by him and guest posts by his wife).

- Read everything you can get your hands on re: s*x from CCEF! In just a few clicks, I found this great article by Winston Smith on "Premarital Counseling, Pornography, and Marriage", a two-part series by David Powlison on Breaking Pornography Addiction, another great read by Winston Smith, "It's All About Me: The Problem with M*xturbation," and a three-part video series by David Powlison on marital intimacy.

- Take some time and really listen to (study / take notes on) Thabiti Anyabwile's sermon series on S*X: "Keepin' It Real", and anything and everything on the topic of s*xuality from the DesiringGod website (but be warned---there is a wealth of information there, so that will take some serious time).

- TALK with others about all that you learn / know / struggle with / doubt. Be real. Reject the myth of chronic uniqueness---you are NOT the only one struggling with s*x. You don't have to "have it all together" before you can lovingly, gently try to help another person. (If that were the case, no one would ever talk with anyone!) It may feel impossible, but it's not---we can get help. Confess. Encourage. DISCUSS. Pray. Study. Be real. Love.

Hope this helpful to you!

I am so grateful for the friends and church leaders over the years who have loved God and loved me enough to help me with this important topic. I really pray that we will all be equipped to be gospel-soaked light and salt in our own spheres of influence.

Blessings on your day!
-- Tara B.

PS
I just realized that I forgot to explain the title for this post ... It's because Sophie had a serious consequence (a double trouble painful consequence) right before we left home on this trip because she quickly glanced at my computer screen after I told her (quickly!) to LOOK AWAY. (There was some inappropriate ad on the side of YouTube.) She knows not only the rules ("When Momma says to close your eyes or look away, you OBEY!"); but the reason behind the rules. ("There are inappropriate things out there and we can easily be fixated by them, especially when we are younger, but really throughout our entire life. And if we LINGER, if we DRINK THEM IN, they can have a profoundly destructive influence on our hearts." --- Such was the case with my own saturating exposure to p*rnography at a tragically very, very early age.)

And yet she (like all of us) was tempted. And in this case, she indulged. I wasn't angry, but my heart was grieved and concerned. Oh how I prayed that the Spirit of Christ would help her heart to SO LOVE BEAUTY that she was detest that which is dark, sullied, the privation of good. That she would learn, truly learn, that the way of the sinner is HARD. But oh! There are blessings in obedience.

And I prayed for her husband and Ella's husband too. I begged God to protect them all from the ravages and baggage and devastation of s*xual dalliances, indulgences, and addictions. How I pray that if my girls are called to marry one day, that they will enjoy free, happy, deliriously delightful s*xual relationships with their husbands---men who are free to enjoy the same because they are not having to work to overcome and damage caused by a life of indulging in s*xual sin.

SDG! For the King and His Kingdom. For His glory and our good. This is my prayer. -- tkb

* WARNING * PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THIS POST DISCUSSES AN ADULT TOPIC THAT MIGHT NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR ALL AGES * WARNING *

Fred IS My (Guitar) Hero

We had a wonderful Sabbath yesterday with Fred's brother John (3rd of the 5 Barthel boys) and his family ...

Happiness really IS Aunt Penny's kitchen:

And her garden ...

But those cousins are pretty wonderful too!

Even if one of them HAS led deacon Barthel away from a quiet life of engineering / programming / peacemaking to the hard-rockin'-world of GUITAR HERO PLAYIN':

I'm thanking God for our dear family---

Yours,
Tara B.

Cable Cars and Fisherman’s Wharf

The California fun continues for the ol' Barthel fam!

A really nice conducter found a way for all of us to squeeze onto his car (which was cramped and crowded and a little scary on the hills, but super fun!):

Couldn't go past the salt water taffy store without buying a few BUCKETS of taffy. Oh, and the grossest jelly beans EVER---made to match jelly bellies, I guess you ask, "Is it cafe mocha or EAR WAX?!" "IT'S NOT CAFE MOCHA!!" Yeek! Total boy thing:

The weather was beautiful and the company was perfect. (Oh! And happy birthday sistah Kali!)

Now we're looking very forward to meeting Uncle John, Aunt Penny, and cousins Calvin and Lucy over in Berkeley for church and a restful Sabbath.

Sending you love from sunny California---
Tara B.

Conflicts Over Church Building Use Policies

Well ... just like most topics in life, I surely didn't know one QUARTER of the potential issues, interests, challenges, and pitfalls associated with this one. Yes, yes, like most Christians I had (casually) "mediated" (discussed?) topics and conflicts related church building usage over the years. And thinking back on it, I'd have to say that pretty much every conflicted church intervention I learned about or reviewed when I was still on staff at Peacemakers had at least one church building use issue---even if it was only a presenting issue.

Still, I was surprised by how diverse the documentation from various churches is. Some really go the "three paragraph, only approved church ministries EVER" route. Others go the "three paragraph, open our doors wide to anyone" route. Most are somewhere in between.

If you're interested in reading what I found to be a good/wise representation of a "middle of the road" approach, I encourage you to check out the summary and official policy for the First Presbyterian Church of Wheaton.

(Noting, however, that I am not RECOMMENDING their policy for your church because I have no idea what your church needs or what your leaders have decided for the convictions that will guide your policy.)

It's just a good read if you like to read this sort of stuff (book of church orders, civ pro, etc.). A nice balance of generosity and colloquial wisdom with a little bit of Roberts Rules and lawyerly stuff thrown in to keep things clear. ;)

(Oh, and I have no affiliation with this church whatsoever. I just found their docs through the magic of google. So if you DO have a relationship with this church and you ever learn that they're ticked because I've posted links here, please just let me know and I'll delete this post. I felt comfortable linking because a) it was in the public domain; and b) there was no language saying I shouldn't. However, causing conflict over conflicts associated with church building use policies? Nah. I'd rather skip that if I can.)

Blessings to you all!

Yours,
Tara B.

California Fun

Sophie and Fred enjoyed a nice morning at a park ...

Oh my STARS! But we had fun playing Wii and cuddling/reading with Uncle Fred ...

Then we headed to the "world famous" (would fit in our teeny tiny living room but was still super fun) PEZ MUSEUM:

And enjoyed a foggy, beautiful, super-fun playtime at the beach:

(BTW---this is the reason Ella is so happy. Built-in-entertainment courtesy of ol' Uncle Fred. This is her view---I snapped this photo over my shoulder while holding her.)

Hope your day was a blessed one too!

Sending my love from California---

Yours,
Tara B.