“Y’all just have a look at this strawberry jelly”, ordered the diminutive baker.

Apparently, the glaze is doing the "Tebow".

“I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if you say you can’t see Tim Tebow on the top”. And Millie is right. There does appear to be a faint image of the newly popular Tebow prayer stance.

Unfortunately, however, there is a chance that a higher power might just rain on Tebow’s recent parade of good fortune – at least according to one of the city’s less admired religious leaders.

Kevin Conway, self-proclaimed minister of the “Body of Christ” church in nearby Ridley, TX, warns that this symbol is a sign of gloom for the Denver Bronco’s quarterback. Conway states that, “The belief of our people is that the body of Christ is represented in all that we eat – not just the wafer doled out at old school churches. We see this donut, particularly the portion with the jelly coming out, as a symbol of horrible injury – like the blood of Christ”.

When asked to elaborate, Conway, known to be brief with his words when discussing impending doom, said, “I’d take the Pats and give the 6 1/2″.

Arnold Franks, 49, of Grand Rapids, MI, was rushed to the hospital during the early first quarter of  the game between the Minnesota Vikings and Detroit Lions last Sunday.

The couch that usually held Franks' large body remains unoccupied.

Franks’ wife, Julie, 45, said that, “Arnie had his day all planned out. First the Lions game, then Oakland at Green Bay, then the night game”.

“But it looks like he’s going to be OK”, said the suburban homemaker. “He passed all the heart tests, so the Doctor said it was probably stress related”. Franks is now on hefty regimen of Thorazine, a popular tranquilizer. But a question persists – how could a sedentary activity such as watching football cause such a health issue?

“The culprit was the roster segment”, quipped Julie. “You know, the part where they show the offensive starters with their pictures and stuff. Frank gets all worked up if one of the players says, ‘THE Ohio State University’. Well, it happened twice this time, and then …”, plucking a tissue, the housewife continued, “… then the worst imaginable thing happened. They snapped the ball before the last player’s bio ended”.

Dr. Eric Kleus, who tended to Franks in the ER, described his patient as, “a traditionalist – with, perhaps, a mild case of Obsessive-Compulsive Syndrome. While recovering, he kept asking me why they changed the ‘forced out of bounds rule’”.

Terrorist bombs wrong Starbucks.

The early morning quiet of Fremont was violently shattered by the ear-splitting eruption of a rocket propelled grenade. The explosion propelled shock waves through the downtown core and sent innocent bystanders scrambling for safety.

Tart News field reporter Hahkman Talib, working undercover as a tourist, managed a brief, hectic interview with the terrorist who had apparently launched the devastating missile. The terrorist requested anonymity.

“You know,” said the masked bomber, “it’s times like this that really get my goat. I mean, Mahmud over there tells me to make sure we don’t kill anyone. So, I’m already in a, how you say, pissed off mood. Then he hands me this map that looks like something my daughter whipped up in daycare”.

The intended target, just across street, unscathed.

“Anyway”, continued the perturbed terrorist, “There has to be, like, a thousand fucking Starbucks in that one block. So Mahmud goes, ‘Hit the one kitty-corner to the big Starbucks’. I mean, kitty-corner? Really?”.

“Don’t get me wrong – we get pretty decent training on American expressions like, ‘take a whiz’, ‘hang a left’ and stuff like that. But I’m pretty sure you’re not going to find any ‘kitty-corner’ crap in ‘The Art of War’”.

Image credit 1: http://www.theage.com.au/news/

“I suppose the viewing audience finally saw right through the concocted drama”,

Just one of 9 fully loaded shopping carts in a typical Extreme Couponer's grocery quest.

confessed Producer Eileen Jacobs. Jacobs claims that the network received tens of thousands of emails and letters with one shared question – “Why are the “Couponers” so dramatic at the checkout?”.

For those unfamiliar with the program, the premise involves people who clip, file and save coupons like virtual professionals, with the goal of realizing substantial savings, usually in the area of 90 to 95%. Sometimes, the truly talented couponer can get cartloads of grocery items for free. These people know, exactly to the penny how much they will pay. So why are they so nervous during the final tally?

“Beats me”, says Jacobs. “Their math is impeccable and they’ve researched every single angle of the savings. I mean, the only way there would be a mistake is if the cash register computer blows a couple numbers – and that never happens”. Apparently, the viewing audience got tired of people freaking out at the checkout for not even a hint of good reason whatsoever.

TLC has decided to replace the program with a new production, Extreme Layawayers, which focuses on the tense, heart-pounding moments when expert shoppers put money down on an item with the intention of paying it off and picking it up later.

“It’s got everything we’ve been looking for”, claims Terrance Fisher, Co-producer. “For instance, in the second episode, a shopper wanted to put $40 down on a coat for her husband. She asks the customer service lady if she would accept two $20 traveler’s checks! Man, what a brouhaha! The Manager got involved and everything!”.

Fisher claims that, in another episode, an extreme layawayer stayed in a tent in front of the store for 6 hours before opening. “It’s not like we has a special layaway sale that day or anything. There was no reason at all to be in a tent. I mean, is that wild or what?”.

Some see this as anarchy. The Greek government sees this as an opportunity.

A prominent Greek politician who spoke to Tart News on the condition of anonymity gave us this exclusive story. His choice, he insists, was unaffected by the large amounts of Ouzo he’d consumed before and during the interview. Our choice, we insist, was not affected by the trip to Greece that came with it.

“Basically,” he informed us in slurred Greek we’ve taken the liberty of translating, “When you break it down, we need more money. Plain and simple. So we thought, we need to tax something else. The money’s out there somewhere. We’ve just got to find it. What’s something that’s trendy right now, that everyone’s doing? And I looked out the window, and what did I see?” For emphasis, the politician gestured out the window of the small cafe we met at, where a mob was busy tearing the heels off a statue of Achilles.

“Easy!” He continued. “Rioting. Everywhere we go, riot riot riot. So, if we put a tax on it, we’ll make money hand over fist!”

He easily shoots down theories that better spending habits are needed to curb the loss of funds. “The accountants are wasting time trying to adjust the numbers, while there’s a simple solution right in front of their faces. Our money’s all going down the toilet. Clearly, all we need to do is put so much money in there that we clog that toilet, and it overflows. Uh, metaphorically speaking. Then our problems will go away. When has clogging a toilet….I mean, throwing money at a problem never worked?”

When asked about how authorities will enforce and collect this task, he simply replied that such trivial details were for the policy-makers to figure out. He suspects riot gear may be needed.

While the law hasn’t been passed yet, the politician seemed confident that it would go through, and scoffed when asked about public reaction. “The public reaction is the best part. If it makes them angry, they’ll riot some more, and we’ll make even more money. I see absolutely no problem with this plan.”

And it’s not ending there. According to our source, he’s planning on tabling several other new taxes,

Artist’s rendition of tax collectors attempting to carry out the new policy.

including one for tourists who quote lines from My Big Fat Greek Wedding while in the country, and another for parents who name their children after Greek deities. And we literally mean tabling. Most of them were written on a napkin right in front of us.

In addition, Tart News has recently learned that several other members of the European Union are putting this and similar taxes under consideration. Inside sources have similarly hinted that the U.S. may ready a similar proposal if Occupy Wall Street heads south. Canada’s parliament seems uninterested, though, stating the unlikelihood of the general public to get that worked up about anything that isn’t hockey. 

Green Bay is awash with sausages, cheese and smash-mouth football. It’s know as Titletown, and rightly deserves the moniker.

But deep inside the football organization lies a little known fact – that the machine that is the Green Bay Packers is fueled by a Sikhi connection as influential as a Favre bomb to Sterling Sharpe.

The Packers GM, Ted Thompson, recently elevated former Assistant of Player Development, V. J. Patel to the newly vacated role of Assistant General Manager.

“The man knows his football”, quipped Thompson. “He has his fingerprints all over the recent uprising of the Atlanta Falcons, where he pretty much worked in obscurity”.

Patel was responsible for shoring up the Falcons offensive line with beefy, mobile guards. Matt Ryan credits him with helping the QB unload the ball more precisely under a blitz.

But the most surprising note about Patel’s brilliance as a football mind is that the pigskin isn’t his “ball of choice”. Growing up in Compton, Patel was practically born with a basketball in his hands.

“I have very fond memories of my youth in Southern California”, noted Patel. “The boys and girls in the neighborhood were very warm and giving. They welcomed me into their games of basketball very often and desired to select me on their team when they discussed who would play with whom”.

When asked about the upcoming 2011 NFL season, Patel announced that, “We are very cognizant of the fact that winning a Super Bowl and then winning another Super Bowl in the year directly following the first is very difficult indeed.”

Tebow has a couple good reasons to date.

“I’d like to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ, and the Riddell company for making these new, high-impact helmets”, said Tebow, when asked about the Lions defensive front four.

“I’d also like to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ and my offensive line, whom I invited out to an alcohol-free dinner last Tuesday, even though only the 3rd string left guard showed up at the church dinner”.

Tebow, who is still reported to be a virgin, and has a “friendship brewing” with a teammate, does not feel that his lifestyle alienates him from the rest of the Broncos. “I’d like to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ, and I feel that I don’t need to go on and on and on about my team”.

The Lions, now generating a buzz with their nasty defense, led by 2nd year interior lineman Ndamukong Suh, appear to be quite blunt with their plans for Sunday.

“We’re gonna expedite his trip to heaven”, said an unnamed linebacker. “One bible-thumper stands no chance against 11 body-thumpers”.

When alerted to the comments coming from the Lions, Tebow uncharacteristically attacked with, “”I’d like to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ, and hope that whoever said that tears the ACL in both of his knees then goes home to find that his dog got hit by a moving van”.

The Lions are 3 point favorites.

“If you look more deeply into the source of my nickname you will find the answer”, said Johnathan Whitlock, AKA “TBC Killer”, to a throng of reporters at the county lockup. And the Tart News team did just that.

After countless phone calls and interviews with those closest to Whitlock, Tart News has uncovered the startling secret behind the madman’s rampage.

“TBC” stands for “To Be Continued…”. Whitlock was given that handle by his college room mates during his senior year at TCU. A J Blair, Whitlock’s closest friend on campus, explained that, “Johnathan used to be a patient, laid-back dude. But, while watching  the end of a rerun of ‘Maude’, he totally freaked out when it said ‘to be continued’. Dude just snapped”.

Dr. Abraham Widtz, a renowned Clinical Psychiatrist, is not surprised by this discovery.

“Each of us has the potential to feel victimized by circumstances which, by their very nature, appear to be entirely out of our control. You see, Whitlock enjoyed comedy programs, but he didn’t understand the seriousness of not having access to the ‘continued’ episode. In other words, he knew Maude was a rerun on a local TV channel which was under no obligation to air the second episode at any specified time, particularly directly following the first of two episodes. In effect, he felt powerless”.

Making matters worse, the first episode aired on a Friday, casting true doubt about when the conclusion would actually air.

Even though today’s funeral for the iconic leader of Apple was available via podcast to the closest of IP addresses, Wozniak was insistent that he be first to pay his respects without the security and convenience of PayPal.

“I was greasing the bearings on my Segway when I heard the news”, quipped Wozniak. “Seeing that funeral wasn’t public, I didn’t want to take the chance that I wasn’t on the list of invitees, so I got in a line”. What Wozniak didn’t know was that the line was for the restroom.

In a related story, Sichuan Electroniks, which employs thousands of manually dexterous component assemblers, announced today that there will be an additional 30 second rest period allotted to its senior assemblers in order to honor the man who has changed their lives in so many ways.

Ling Chen Ing, who, at age 15, supports her family of seven, is thankful to “Boss Jobs” for her employment opportunity.

Through a translator, Ing claims that, “Boss Jobs very good man. Here so many people want to work for him that when one fall asleep on job, there is always someone to replace”.

Ing added, “Company I work for make screen for phone. People all over the world use phone for serious reason like talk business. I make sure screen has no defect”.

It’s been estimated that Apple has saved well over 3 billion dollars over the years by selecting workplaces which not only perform quality work, but also employ persons who are very pleased to work for a somewhat smaller compensation package than expected in Job’s home country, the United States of America.

Otto sits outside city hall alone, shouting slogans through a megaphone. Between rants, he agreed to speak to Tart News. We didn’t really have a choice in the matter.

“It all began,” he said, “when I read this one article that said 15 to 20 cyclists were killed every year in Ontario. That’s why they’re doing this big review, right? Makes sense. But then I did a bit of research, and found out that something like 700 drivers are killed every year.” Grabbing his megaphone and shouting to a passerby, he explains, “That’s like 5000 percent as much!” Said passerby appeared uninterested.

“You see,” he continued, “If twenty cyclists is an epidemic, then this is like, the black plague or something. I really don’t know why no one else has noticed.”

To this end, he’s begun his protest outside city hall. It’s small, but he insists it’s growing. “Well, so far it’s just me and my dog,” he admits. “My wife was out here too, but we had a little disag- I mean, she’s supporting me on the home front.”

He remains somewhat bitter about his low turnout, though, pegging the blame on the nearby Occupy Toronto movement.

“I mean, this is how I reckon it went down,” he insists. “They get a whiff of my plans, and the second they do, there’s this other protest jamming up Bay street. How did that happen, eh? It’s because my message is too real, so they have to silence it up with this other protest about the economy,” he says with a noticeable scoff.“The economy? Really? I mean, I don’t have a job, but you don’t hear me complaining.”

As for the plight of Ontario drivers, Otto is more than willing to offer his share of theories, regardless of whether or not we wanted to hear them.

“See, the problem is,” he continues, “people don’t care about drivers. They’re such a hated part of our roadways. I mean, they’re always being shoved aside for construction, emergency vehicles get to ignore them….this anti-car culture has to stop!”

He similarly shakes off questions about cyclists deserving special treatment due to the additional dangers of riding a bike.

“Nobody said they had to get on those bikes,” he insists. “I mean, it was their choice. And they’re the minority, you know. Forget that Wall Street thing. Us drivers, we’ve got to stick together. I mean, we’re the real 99 percent, right? Right? You know who rides bikes? Bankers, that’s who!”

Unfortunately, the day after the interview was conducted, Tart News discovered that Otto had been arrested. The police have yet to make a statement, but Otto is arguing that he was wronged, and that that cyclist totally got in the way of that rock he threw.