Since my last post, I have been asked what can one say or do for someone who is grieving. I thought I could rattle something off, but I discovered it was not that easy. I had to go back in my mind and remember what had helped and what had not.

First, I’m going to get a little help from my friend, Chandrama Anderson, a licensed MFT who specializes in counseling couples and people who are grieving the loss of a child. She wrote a wonderful little brochure titled The Language of Grieving: A Brief Guide to Comforting a Grieving Friend or Loved One, downloadable by clicking on the link.

These are some of her suggestions about condolence etiquette that resonate strongly with me; my comments are in italics:

• Acknowledge the Loss – saying nothing or pretending the death didn’t happen hurts the person. For me, I then feel invisible and alone.

• Show you care – a bereaved person needs to have the death acknowledged, to have empathy, care and support, and most importantly, to hear words that allow them to feel whatever they are feeling at the moment. For me, this is one the most important things one can do.

• Allow the grieving person to take the lead in conversations – it’s helpful for the one who is grieving to talk with you as they normally would, and even to be able to laugh! At first, I felt guilty if I laughed, and then I realized it was so helpful to be able to find humor and even momentary joy.

• Allow the bereaved to tell, and even re-tell the story of the death of their loved one. It helps as they work through their grief and mourning. When I do this, it seems to release some misery from my soul.

• Speak of the loved one who has died. It helps the bereaved feel less isolated and know he or she has not been forgotten. Asking permission can make this discussion less awkward for the condoler, “Is it OK if I talk about Mike once in awhile?” I would love to be asked this as it seems to help ease the pain of loss to remember him and speak it out loud.

• Avoid religious platitudes as they may deny the bereaved permission to feel what they feel. I would feel quite uncomfortable if someone said something like “It was God’s will” or “He’s in a better  place now.”

• The journey through grieving has no roadmap or timetable. Remembering and talking about the loved one’s important dates such as birthdays, holidays, etc. can bring solace and comfort to the bereaved. This is so very helpful as I kept feeling a pressure of time to get over it already.  An inner voice was chastising   me to stop grieving and start living like you used to. Now I understand life will never be the same and I can  take all the time I need.

If you download the PDF file, you will find an incredibly helpful couple of lists: Words That DO Comfort and Words That DO NOT Comfort. So, rather than list them all here (there are lots of them), download her brochure.

For me personally, I have found words like “I don’t know what to say, but I know this must be very difficult for you”. If I am crying (which is a distinct possibility) saying “It’s natural to cry at a time like this” helps me accept my feelings.

Sometimes I do want to talk about it so asking me “Do you feel like talking for awhile?” is such a relief. I can answer yes, or no as the need arises.

Chandrama has been a tremendous friend and help to me these past four months. Although she’s not my “Therapist” her loving kindness and experience with her own grief has made her presence a blessing in my life.

© 2012, Taru Fisher. All rights reserved.

I haven’t posted for awhile; my son Mike’s illness and subsequent death late last year left me stunned and silent from the nearly unremitting grief. I felt unmotivated to write anything, even the auto-biographical book I had finally begun to flesh out.

It has been like being on a roller coaster, uncontrollable, one minute up and the next one down in the trough. The simplest things could set off the tears…seeing his name in my iPhone contacts and not wanting to delete it;seeing his picture online on Facebook, thinking about Mother’s Day and suddenly remembering he won’t be there. Or, driving along the highway and hearing a song can trigger sobs so deep they hurt my chest.

There are times when I feel ashamed of the depths of my pain, telling myself I should be over this by now, even as I understand that grieving is a process that is unique to each individual, and takes it’s own course.

Many people offered their love and support, for which I am grateful. Words of comfort were abundant, hugs appreciated even more, and silent hugs even better.

I have learned (again,for myself) that nothing I think about my son Mike’s life and how he lived it is any comfort at all, nor does it assuage the feeling that there is a black hole in me left by his death. Death is death, and no amount of thinking helps the grief pass. It is indescribable in its’ ferocity. And…then it diminishes and I see the sunlight poking through the rain, or feel my dog’s loving nuzzle, or my husband’s soft comforting touch. I wish I knew how to convey what it’s really like to lose a child (man-child), but words are not expressive enough. Wailing and sobbing say most of it, and I am grateful when I can just allow that, feel it wash through, and come back to myself.

It has gotten easier with time, and with learning what triggers depression and what uplifts me so I can go on. If you have suffered the loss of a child, I know you can understand what it’s like.

I know I’ve forgotten something; it feels just out of my reach. And this is also part of grieving.

This, too, shall pass.

© 2012, Taru Fisher. All rights reserved.

As I enter the year where I will reach the 7th decade of my life, I look back and reflect upon what lessons I have learned in 2011.

First, always take time to be with your family and close friends in a loving way. Nothing is more important than letting the people you love know it.
We never know when they will be taken from us.

Second, I can learn from each and every experience, no matter how deeply painful it is.

Third, I learned to strike fear aside and be authentic, even if it meant other people might not like it.

Fourth, I learned just how much my husband of almost 25 years loves me and how giving and caring he can be when I am bereft.

Fifth, I learned that my eldest son, Mike, forgave me and loved me before he passed away.

Sixth, I learned that my other two sons, Tony, and Matt, have chosen the very best partners to share their lives with, and are so happy with their sweethearts.

So, I enter 2012 with both a heart heavy with loss, and the realization that love triumphs over all, and I look forward to opening my heart even further this year.

© 2012, Taru Fisher. All rights reserved.

According to Andrew Newberg, MD, a leading Neuroscientist and co-author with Mark Robert Waldman of  ”How God Changes Your Brain: Breakthrough Findings From a Leading Neuroscientist”, the fifth best way to exercise your brain is by yawning. Yes, he said “yawning” and goes on to say it is one of the best kept secrets in neuroscience.
So, just what does yawning do for you? For many years performers have used yawning as a way to relax the throat and relieve tension before a performance. Oh, you say, but I’m not a performer, so what will it do for me besides make people annoyed? Well, it seems yawning “evokes a unique neural activity” in areas of our brain that are “directly involved in generating social awareness and creating feelings of empathy”.
So what, you say. Let’s pretend you’re driving down the freeway and the other drivers (not you, of course) are driving badly, and you begin to feel a certain amount of anger. Yawn six or seven times to get the yawn going, and then continue on to ten or twelve yawns. You will feel the stress and tension leave your body. It works! James and I use this technique and it never fails to work.

I also use it when I awaken in the middle of the night and have trouble getting back to sleep. Be sure you yawn ten to twelve times. At first it may seem difficult or even silly, but once you get six or seven yawns out, it becomes almost irresistible. Really great yawns can even get your eyes watering.

Newberg and Waldman gives these 12 essential reasons to yawn:

1.Stimulates alertness and concentration

2.Optimizes brain activity and metabolism

3.Improves cognitive function

4.Increases memory recall

5.Enhances consciousness and introspection

6.Lowers stress

7.Relaxes every part of your body

8.Improves voluntary muscle control

9.Enhances athletic skills

10.Fine-tunes your sense of time

11.Increases empathy and social awareness

12.Enhances pleasure and sensuality

So, if you want to feel “utterly present, incredibly relaxed, and highly alert” start yawning like there’s no tomorrow!
What are some situations where you could use yawning?

© 2011 – 2012, Taru Fisher. All rights reserved.

This is the first article in a series on stress and its’ effect on our health. The women in transition that I coach are all under a lot of stress as they re-define their lives. However, it’s my observation that life in Silicon Valley creates stress on both women and men, especially during these challenging economic times. I hope these posts help all of us de-stress and create a healthier life!

I have always intellectually understood an overabundance of stress is “bad” for us. Notice I said “intellectually”. Up until recently I had no idea how much stress was affecting my health. Now I understand I have been under chronic stress almost since I was born. Hard to believe? Well, that’s probably why I didn’t get it until now; I couldn’t believe it applied to me.

I won’t go into a lot of details, but I had a very difficult childhood, married at 18, divorced at 29 and divorced again another couple of times. In between was a tremendous amount of work, both as a wife and mother, and as a working woman and student. Sometimes I did all four at once. Foolish me, I had no idea what I was doing to my body, or my life to come. Self care was merely a concept designed for other “lazy” people. Or so I thought. Sixty-eight years later I finally get it, and now self care is my number one priority.

According to the American Institute of Stress, the alarming truth about stress is as follows:

• Stress is the #1 cause of disease in America
• 75 – 90% of all doctor visits are stress related
• Chronic stress is a primary cause of the breakdown of the body’s hormone, immune, digestive and detoxification metabolic systems
• According to the Mayo Clinic, long term, direct effects of chronic stress include: Heart disease; hypertension; stroke; depression; immune suppression and immune diseases; head, chest and back pain; digestive problems; sleep problems.

I can count at least five of those that have been a problem for me, up until now. How many of the above health problems do you have?

So, what can we do about it?

First, become aware of your stressors. Notice when you stop breathing openly and regularly; when are you holding your breath? This is a signal that stress is in your body. When you notice this, stop what you’re doing, close your eyes, and ask your unconscious mind to find the part of your body that is holding the stressor. Breathe into that part of the body and ask it; what’s causing the feeling? It may be fear, worry, anger, deadlines you feel you can’t meet…you get the idea.

Now, write it down. Begin to create some strategies that will remove the cause of the stress. If you need help with this, get an accountability partner or a coach (of course, I’m biased toward coaching ;-D).

Next, take some of the following steps to alleviate the stress:

• Take time daily to relax and even meditate. Regular meditation has been shown to actually change the neurology of the brain for the better. More to come on that in another post.
• Practice deep breathing: take a deep breath in through your nose for a count of 6, hold for a count of 2, and exhale slowly through your mouth with your tongue against the back of your teeth to a count of 6. Do this until you feel a sense of calm and centeredness.
• Be focused on the Present; be here and now. The past is a dream and the future is yet to be created from our present moments.
• Get good quality sleep; at least 7 hours a night. I’ll share how in a subsequent blog post just on sleep.

I recently attend an NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) Health Practitioner class reunion where one of the subjects we explored was the effect of stress on our long term health. Because of my own experience, I wanted to share this information with you in the hope you will find some value in it and begin to apply it in your own life. Start earlier in life so you can have a longer, healthier, happier life. Actually start any time; it’s never too late for self care, for loving your body and caring for it.

Are you loving and caring for your body as it deserves? If not, what has stopped you up until now?

So, what do you do to de-stress?

© 2011, Taru Fisher. All rights reserved.

It’s that time of year when we start thinking about what we want to change in the new year, and we typically make a New Years Resolution. Somehow, mysteriously, many of our resolutions falter and fail to materialize. If you’ve ever wondered why, many of us blame it on our lack of “willpower” and beat ourselves up mentally for a while — ouch!

Well, it’s actually often because of how we initially create the resolution; it lacks the proper ingredients. So, my friends in resolution hell, here are five reasons (and solutions) your New Years Resolutions fall short.

#1 – We tend to make resolutions with ill-defined, large global outcomes. Some of them I hear are “I’m going to lose weight next year”, or “I’m going to make a lot more money in 2011”, or “I’m going to get along better with my boss”…you get the idea. What they all have in common is a lack of specificity and poor language.

Instead say “I’m going to shed 30 pounds by August 1st.” This is a specific, realistic goal within a set time frame. Also notice I didn’t use “lose weight”. Why? Because the mind doesn’t like us to “lose” anything. Think about it. If you lose something you’re always looking to get it back. Losing something is negative and your resolution should always be stated positively; i.e. what you want instead of what you don’t want.

#2 – When we mess up on keeping our resolution (and most of us do mess up one time or another), we feel guilty and take it as a sign we will fail again and again–so we revert back to old, undesired behavior and essentially give up.

Please realize that you are human, imperfectly perfect, and mistakes are merely a part of growing and changing. Forgive yourself, look at what threw you off track, and begin again with a greater understanding of what you need to do.

It is OK to make mistakes! And OK to get back on track.

#3 – We fail to plan exactly what we need to do to accomplish our resolution. By this I mean what resources do you need to be able to reach your goal?

If you want to shed those pounds, figure out exactly what it will take. Perhaps you need a personal trainer, or to re-organize your kitchen so those tempting but terrible goodies are gone. Maybe you need a different attitude, or state of mind. Perhaps a good program like Easy Weight. Perhaps a life coach.

They will be specific to you, and need to be defined and acquired.

#4 – Having planned, we fail to act! Something keeps us from taking action.

The outcome isn’t compelling enough. We haven’t really examined what accomplishing the resolution will get for us.

You must ask yourself these questions.

What will having that outcome get for you? Take your answer to that question and then ask yourself what will having that (answer) allow you to do, or to have, or to be?

I’ll illustrate using the shed pounds example resolution.

Ask yourself “What will shedding 30 pounds get for me?”
Say your answer to the that first question is “I’ll look better.”
Now ask yourself “What will looking better allow me to do, or to have, or to be?” (Use the words from your first answer, i.e. “looking better”)
Say your answer to that is “I’ll feel good about myself” . Now ask yourself “What will feeling good about myself get for me?”
Perhaps your answer to this is “I’ll be able to get a better paying job”.
Ask yourself “What will having a better paying job allow me to do, or to have or to be?”
An answer could be “I’ll be able to take better care of my family.”

Continue asking and answering until you’ve reached a final answer that resonates deeply with you. It’s usually on a much higher level than the one with which you started.

#5 – The outcome doesn’t seem real; you can’t picture yourself actually having it.

- Create a mental timeline from yourself to somewhere in the room and identify a spot where your future lies.
- Actually walk on that imaginary timeline to the future where your desired outcome has been realized.
- Imagine you’re looking back at yourself today, and tell yourself what you see, hear and how your life is different now that you’ve accomplished your resolution.
- Experience it fully, “as if” it has already happened.
- Tell yourself the steps you took to achieve the outcome now that you have it.

What’s been your experience with keeping your New Years’ Resolutions? If you have any other tips, feel free to share them.

© 2010, Taru Fisher. All rights reserved.

I recently had an “ah ha” moment. For the past six months I’ve had one upper respiratory infection after another as well as some other troubling symptoms. I didn’t understand it; I’d never been ill like this. I had Rheumatoid Arthritis, but somehow that overactive immune system of mine had always taken care of other invaders. What had changed?

I realized that for years I’ve been treating my body like it could handle anything I threw at it. Rushing from here to nowhere, pushing myself to succeed, ignoring my inner voice, and most importantly, my body’s voice.

First it was just a whisper, than somewhat conversational, then a shout, and finally, a scream. Don’t let your body’s voice turn into a scream…that takes a huge effort, pain, and lots of regret to fix. Listen to the whisper, and honor your body’s wisdom immediately.

If you are coming down with something (and we all know when that’s happening), rest and take care of yourself. If you already have a cold, flu or any other health challenge, STOP doing, find out what your body needs to help it heal, and take care of yourself. Be present, aware, alert, and tuned in to your body. It will reward you with a quick recovery and a longer, healthier life.

How do you honor your body’s voice? If you’re not, what will it take for that to happen?

© 2010, Taru Fisher. All rights reserved.

There was a study in 1968 of exceptional elderly people in Holland who had successfully mastered the aging process. These wise elders had these characteristics:

• handled stress incredibly well
• were essentially optimistic and looked on the positive side
• had a sense of self-sufficiency
• were funny and had a good sense of humor
• enjoyed life and saw it as a great adventure
• were PRESENT and interested in something outside of themselves
• exercised daily
• meditated and prayed
• moved toward future positive outcomes
• able to reframe seemingly negative situations
• had valuable relationships and learned from different people
• had regular medical tests and took care of themselves
• were mentally flexible
• focused on what was possible rather than what wasn’t

Aging is not a disease; it’s a normal stage of a human life. It’s how we THINK about aging that makes it a problem. If we believe the thought viruses prevalent in our society, we will look for those so-called problems of aging. Our very powerful mind will, in fact, create the very problems we fear.

We have in our brain, something called a reticular activating system. Its’ job is to filter our experiences in support of what we THINK. For example, if on your way driving somewhere you start to think, I don’t want to hit any red lights, you’ll notice you hit almost (if not every) red light.

If you buy a black car, all of a sudden you’ll notice every black car on the road when previously you didn’t even notice them.
This means you need to have a positive mental attitude; see problems as challenges to be met and overcome rather than some insurmountable issue.

I love what Tom Hoobyar says, “Youth is a gift, designed primarily to encourage reproduction. But the advantages of aging are not a gift. The benefits are there, but we must work for them. We must be constantly asking ourselves, “What’s the meaning of this? How can this be useful and uplifting?”
…We can provoke and inspire others who follow us in life’s path, sharing our insights and reassuring them that life CAN get better as we age.

It’s the only way that getting older is any more rewarding than just beating the grim reaper for another day. And I personally think that life is designed to get better and better until our time is over.”

Throughout life, the brain has the ability to reorganize neural pathways based on new experiences.

At the molecular level, social and intellectual experiences have an impact on the function of your brain. So, you CAN transition from old habits to new, healthier ones.

Focus on asking for what you want rather than what you don’t want. It will make a world of difference in how you live your life. You can choose joy, or you can choose pain – your choice.

© 2010, Taru Fisher. All rights reserved.

I have been struggling with the current transition appearing in my life; the one that feels scary and not socially acceptable. The one that says, “slow down”. The one that whispers be more silent and feel the center within yourself. The one that doesn’t really want to go out much at night, but prefers to read or do a jigsaw puzzle with my husband — anything but be on that damned computer one more minute. The one that occasionally feels like becoming a nun so she can have some peace and quiet, and contemplation, and no technology. The one that still wants to contribute to others, but somehow differently, less frantic, less interested in being perfect, and more interested in being present. That one is me.

I am beginning to understand that this transition is actually more transformational than transitional. It’s something that happens to all of us as we get older, and it is not to be feared; it is to be welcomed. Once I got this, I began to relax into this “slow down” feeling and watched as my stress level went down, my joy increased, my creativity started to blossom, and my friendships started becoming deeper and richer. Even though I’m not running from one place to another all the time, I am now somehow more a part of life rather than a spectator . Now, when I’m somewhere, that’s where I am; I’m not thinking about the next networking event, what’s for dinner, or how I haven’t done all those important things on my “to do” list.

I’ve noticed I’m attracting new coaching clients that are looking for a much more focused, less frantic pace in their lives. While they are all younger than I, they still want to be successful in their business, and are looking for a way to manage their busy lives to both be successful and have a life of joy and balance. Perhaps my ongoing transformation is what attracts them to me and me to them. Perhaps they, too, want to be present and have more space for noticing their inward rhythms — and honoring them.

I’d love to know about your experience. What have you noticed about the pace of your life? Is it too fast, too slow, or just right?

© 2010, Taru Fisher. All rights reserved.

We transition from babyhood to childhood, to adolescence, to young adulthood, and so on. These are both physical and emotional transitions. Other transitions are less organic, more challenging, and can be downright devastating; like the ones where you get a divorce, experience your children’s absence from your life, are forced into retirement before your time, or are entering elder-womanhood.

Ever since I discovered that my coaching passion lies with women in transition, I have been re-living all the transitions in my life — and there are so very many. Looking back from my 67 year old perspective, I see that life is a series of transitions for everyone. And it’s how we frame our experience of the transition that dictates how well we manage it, and where we end up. Here is my frame, and I find incredibly useful.

Transitions are a fact of life and anyone who believes they are immune to them is probably living in an alternate reality or on some other planet not populated by real human beings in a real world. That said, what is a transition? And is there some kind of predictability or uniformity to a transition?  Well, I think there is. Several years ago while in WealthyMind™ training with NLPCA I learned about the Universal Cycles of Change – 7 patterns that govern our life.

The first cycle is one of Creation and new beginnings, a starting point where a new idea, a new way of life begins. Some examples are starting a new life after a divorce, upon retirement, entering another phase of your life such as elder-hood, starting a business, having a baby, creating a book, to name just a few examples.

The second cycle is Growth, when your creation begins to develop and grow, becoming self organizing. It begins to take shape and new behavior patterns develop around it to foster even more growth. After a divorce, retirement or becoming an elder, you grow a new life. In business, you begin to build a client base; the baby does what babies do — get bigger and more challenging (in a good way); when writing a book you are fleshing out the characters and story. You get the idea.

The third cycle is Complexity to Maturity, where your creation has grown to the point where it takes on a new form, and achieves a steady state where it operates at its’ smoothest. Things are good and everything is going amazingly well. You feel good about it, yourself, and life.

The fourth cycle is Turbulence. This is characterized by growth that has become too complex and a bit overwhelming. Problems start to develop and it becomes apparent that the current structure cannot maintain itself. Turbulence is characterized by minor physical symptoms that are distracting, signs of depression or dissatisfaction with your life. Depending on the subject of the creation, there are other signs and symptoms. For example, in business, perhaps you are dealing with a troublesome employee. In your marriage, possibly serious communications problems are arising. A shift must happen for it to go on to the next level of growth. Ignore the call to shift at your own peril, for if you do, the result is chaos!

The fifth cycle is Chaos. The system begins to disintegrate and chaos is rampant. For example, your marriage is on the brink of divorce, or that pesky employee has sabotaged the business to the point of damage. You always know chaos when it appears; it is unmistakeable.

The sixth cycle is Droppings Off. Life has become so complex that you have to let go of something in order to move forward through a a difficult challenge. In a marriage, that may be divorce. In a business, that may mean a complete reorganization. It usually means we have to let go of a limiting belief, change our behavior, and reframe how you experience the world. You may feel resistance to this phase–it is human nature to want to hold on to what we have–but is is essential to our journey to let go of what has been holding us back.

Even Chaos brings change that’s needed. Just remember to drop off things that aren’t serving you. It can be challenging, but once done, you’ll feel lighter, and more free to enter into the next cycle of Meditation and Inward Silence, where you can heal, rejuvenate and get ready for your next creation (beginning). It’s comforting to know we can get through the challenges life brings, and move on into something better.

The seventh cycle is Meditation and Inward Silence. This is the final phase in the Universal Cycles of Change. We stand in the moment as we are; it may be uncomfortable at first, but remain there awhile and heal. This is a time of rest and rejuvenation, of resting in “being” rather than “doing”. This crucial phase paves the way for the beginning of the next cycle of Creation, where something new and wonderful can begin.

If you examine different aspects of your life like your love life, finances, health, friends, family, career and so forth, you will see which cycle you are in for each one — they will probably be different — and now you’ll have a road map of what to expect and how to successfully navigate the cycle.

What cycle of change do you find yourself in and in what area of life? I’d love to know how this resonates with you!

My joy is coaching women make transitions that create opportunities out of obstacles, and design a new life where they jump out of bed in the morning eager to live their life. That’s what I’m here for — use me.

© 2010, Taru Fisher. All rights reserved.