I’ve never read a single one of George R. R. Martin’s books; I haven’t gotten around to them yet.

I’ve never seen an episode of Game of Thrones; we don’t have cable.

I expected Game of Thrones to stand on its own merits. That’s not too much to ask of a game that had been in development for seven years.

The story of Game of Thrones takes place during the first book of the saga, at the time when Jon Arryn, the Hand of King Robert Baratheon, is found dead at King’s Landing. The game allows players to follow two epic quests:
Mors and Alester’s quests. Their totally original story was canonized by George R.R. Martin himself and perfectly integrates the original story the fans are so familiar with in the series.

Mimicking the books, the two heroes’ stories are told alternatively, chapter by chapter, each character sharing the role of main character…up until their paths cross during a common quest.

Game of Thrones is touted as having at least 30 hours of gameplay. I’m damn happy I haven’t read any of Martin’s books since I suspect I would have lost another 27 hours of my life as I trudged through the mess that is this game in desperate search for even a glimmer of what everyone won’t shut the hell up about with regards to the A Song of Ice and Fire books and the HBO series.

Combat

At any moment during combat, you will have the option to switch into slow motion to analyze, anticipate and adopt the best attack or defense tactic! Plan up to three special attacks for each character under your control and launch them at the best moment to amplify their effects!

The combat reminds me of the old-school JRPGs where you queue up some moves, hit go and wait for the fight to stop so you can then do it all over again. There’s no reason to reinvent the wheel and there’s sure as hell no reason to take something that could be super awesome and make it hurt my head.

The whole process of kicking someone’s ass–which should be a joy–is forced into a clunky, counterintuitive box I was bored with before I was finished with the fighting tutorial.

Characterization/Voice Acting

You know how in Oblivion there were like five character models for “extras” and three voices for the entire game?

Game of Thrones isn’t THAT bad but I’ve now ruined you because, when you play this game–and you will cause you’re contrary like that–you’re going to notice clones of the same soldier over and over and sometimes even in the same room. It’s going to happen. Trust me. Add all that to the fact the characters repeat the same actions multiple times in a scene and you have me just about ready to go club some baby seals.

The voice acting is…adequate.

Look, I’m not expecting to be overwhelmed with emotion each time a character opens its pretty, little, digital mouth but, more times than not, it sounds like the voice actors were going over their lines and someone happened to hide a recorder in the room.

Graphics

Game of Thrones is not a “pretty” game. In fact, Game of Thrones looks much like something you would expect from a previous generation system. It definitely doesn’t look like a game some fine folks spent seven years working on. You think I’m being unfair and that’s fine but Game of Thrones is built on the third iteration of the Unreal Engine which has been kicking it since the first Gears of War.

There have been a lot of games, a lot older than this title, that look a heck of a lot better.

Can someone please tell me why the dog is shiny? Cause he is and he shouldn’t be.

And then there’s this:

Invisible shield holders are the best shield holders. Stealthy like a ninja.

Come on, guys! That’s just lazy!

Cutscenes. Load screens. Rinse and Repeat.

At least these didn’t look too bad but there were just so many. Lots and lots.

It reminds me of the Uncharted series–of which I’m not a fan. Both Game of Thrones and the Uncharted games have a story to tell and they’re pretty good stories but they seem to like the idea of a game when they’re really aspiring to create a movie.

Can’t we find a happy place between a load screen every time I enter or exit a building–I’m looking at you, Bethesda–and no load screens? I’m FINE with a game getting all cozy with my 360′s hard drive if all that digital lovin’ ends up with transitions that aren’t so damn ponderous. I was already having issues with Game of Thrones before the plethora of load screens and once I hit the tenth I started getting very, very bored.

Plot/Story

The game narrates the journey of two characters: Mors Westford, a veteran ranger of the Night’s Watch, and Alester Sarwyck, a red-robed priest of R’hllor who returns home after a 15-year absence following the death of his father and becomes instantly embroiled in the politics of court. The plot is set in parallel to, but does not overlap, the events of the novel A Game of Thrones.

I totally got that from Wikipedia. Why?

Because Game of Thrones was not fun. That’s right. I wanted fun. It’s a GAME. I love playing video games when they’re worth my time but I couldn’t get into the game enough to get to the story.

Final Verdict

This game was such a disappointment it turned me off of reading the books and made me not want to watch the show.

Shouldn’t a game, based on a book, inspire you to read the book? It sure shouldn’t make you want to run the other way.

I was expecting this

and this

but knew I’d probably get this

but, instead, I got

Atlus provided an Xbox 360 version of Game of Thrones for review and product links are affiliate.

I meant to write this day before yesterday but got distracted several times.

I accomplished my entire list on Monday.

1. Take a shower.
2. Brush teeth.
3. Put on makeup.
4. Perfectly french braid Cara’s hair for gym.
5. Figure out where I put Ollie’s form for gym so he can start this summer.
6. Make dinner.
7. Get to sleep before midnight. [It was a few minutes after midnight.]

The lump in my throat was gone Tuesday. In fact, it started to get better soon after I wrote Monday’s post. Maybe I really should write when I feel like shit and then that will fix things? So is writing akin to talk therapy for me? Tucker’ll be happy if that’s the case since writing is a hell of lot more less expensive than therapy.

Tucker’s going to be all like:

Not feeling very motivated today just kind of…

Ollie and I haven’t gotten into it today and after the hell of the past two days, I consider a fightless day [Knock.On.Wood.] a blessing.

Like I could get through a post without at least one gif. It’s what I do, folks. It’s who. I. Am. Not really. They just make me happy.

And now I have to write the post I owe Atlus for the Game of Thrones game that hit Tuesday. Not looking forward to that post very much; I don’t like having to be “mean.”

I have no idea what I want to write about today and am pretty much only writing because I think I should. I find it ironic that when I get all dysphoric the last thing I want to do is write and it’s probably the time when I need to write the most.

If it didn’t make me so damn tired. When just the thought of something makes makes me want to take a nap, I tend to avoid said thing. Unless I’m really wanting a nap…

I’m not a very nice person when I’m like this.

My temper is short; don’t you DARE scrape you chair on the floor around me. And that fighting stuff the kids do? Very much uncool right now. Super uncool. It’s at this point when I wish the grandparents lived closer cause I would ship these guys off right about now. Not for forever. Just a couple of days. Just long enough for me to regain the patience of a saint.

I feel like I have something stuck in my throat. Not sure what that means and Dr. Google isn’t helping with a diagnosis but I know “Do you have the sensation you have something stuck in your throat?” is a question on the digital questionnaires I sometimes take at the shrink’s.

I can’t settle on a something to listen to on Spotify and that’s annoying the hell out of me.

I got this from Atlas today:

It should be interesting to play since I haven’t read the books OR seen the show. Distraction is always nice.

My goals for the day?

1. Take a shower.
2. Brush teeth.
3. Put on makeup.
4. Perfectly french braid Cara’s hair for gym.
5. Figure out where I put Ollie’s form for gym so he can start this summer.
6. Make dinner.
7. Get to sleep before midnight.

That’s a lot of shit! Me thinks I shouldn’t have made a list…

I’ll be fine; I always am. I’m not going to stop functioning or whatever. The kids will still get bathed and fed and hugged and hollered at. Basically life keeps going like it always does but I bitch more.

Tucker’s probably wondering how that’s any different from normal.

My response:

I’m sure this is the general reception to this post:

My response:

and

and

I’m probably going to feel bad about that last one in a few minutes cause it’s probably going to offend someone. Please refer to the first gif after “My response.”

Tucker showed me this last night and it’s the perfect follow-up to the Tucker’s Speedo and His Obsession with Sexy and I Know It post.

Maybe it’s just me but the cover’s better than the original.

While I’m at the Type-A conference this summer, Tucker and the kids will be at the beach with his family.

Tucker has threatened to wear this:

Because of this possibility, I'm *very* glad to be missing the beach trip.

Any of these adequately express my feelings.

I’m sure you’re asking: “But why, Amy?! Why would he embarrass himself and all of humanity and adorable kittens by wearing something like that in public?! Has he no shame?”

Simple answer is he’s obsessed with this:

Save. Me.

Anytime you read something where I say I’m NEVER GOING TO do something or where I say I’m GOING TO do something, just know I’m full of shit. Case in point? When I wrote that I was going to stop breaking up fights between Cara and Ollie.

Let me clarify.

It’s not that I necessarily mean to lie; I have good intentions. However, my follow-through kind of sucks.

All of that basically means this

which almost always turns into this

and I’m all like

then Ollie’s all like

and Cara’s all like

and I want to be like this

but I’m probably more like this

and then I

and then they

and this is how I feel at the end of it all

This has been my week.

I have to apologize to everyone on Facebook who is one of my friends. I’m sorry I’ve been playing The Civil Wars repeatedly on Spotify and that you have to see every time I replay so song. In my defense, it all started with an obsession with The Hunger Games soundtrack and then morphed into a The Civil Wars obsession. And I’ve forgotten how to turn off Facebook updates on Spotify.

Below are videos for my favorite songs off of The Hunger Games soundtrack and then a couple of extra The Civil Wars videos. You have no idea how hard it was for me to not include all of The Civil Wars’s music.

Dark Days – Punch Brothers

Tomorrow Will Be Kinder – The Secret Sisters

Safe & Sound – Taylor Swift

Kingdom Come – The Civil Wars

Come Away To The Water – Maroon 5, Rozzi Crane

Run Daddy Run – Miranda Lambert

Rules – Jayme Dee

Just A Game – Birdy

These have nothing The Hunger Games but I love them.

The Civil Wars – Falling

The Civil Wars – Barton Hollow

I’m going to make your Friday even better than it already is.

This is one of those posts where I had a bunch of little things to write about but nothing that inspired me to dedicate much time to writing a post on each thing.

Make sense?

On to the little things.

My text to Tucker, “Can we hire a nanny?” I never got a response.

From Tucker: “Rabbit feet are pokey.” and “I wouldn’t suggest you go out there for a while. It’s rather larval and they were none too happy I took away their dinner.”

Explaining the national debt to a five year old isn’t my idea of fun.

After serving a fresh fruit salad–containing fruits Cara loves–and a ham and cheese sandwich I get this [complete with rolling eyes]: “But can’t we have pizza or something? I’m fine just eating ice cream.”

Our house has been taken over by flies. At any point in the day there are at least three flies. We don’t own a fly swatter. Rolled up magazines seem to work best at smashing the bastards. Coloring books not so much. I can’t decide if the flies are due to the fact we have cows and horses behind our house or if they’re leftover from “Roger.” That’s what Tucker’s taken to calling the rabbit. Wonder if Tucker’s Jessica?

My son can’t seem to grasp the concept of opening a door. FIRST you turn the knob. SECOND you push on the door. Dude’s not a stupid kid but he can’t seem to work our backdoor correctly the first time.

“IN OR OUT! IF YOU OPEN THAT DOOR ONE MORE TIME SO HELP ME…I’LL COME UP WITH SOMETHING…” Threats kind of fall flat when you don’t have anything good to finish it off with.

I’ve felt this way all week. About everyone:

She dressed herself; you can’t see the bright red “cowgirl” boots.

He says he’s a doctor. Not sure I want to know what kind.

“He kicked me in the vagina!”

“She kicked me in the penis!”

Image | Richard 'Tenspeed' Heaven

We heard the mail truck–the thing is seriously loud–and the kids and I went out to see what the dude had left us.

Some of our neighbors were outside and I was wearing less than flattering attire so I turned us around and as we were about to head in, I saw a serious case of dust bunnies. Upon further examination, I realized it was actually bunny hair. A quick look around the porch revealed a bunny. A very dead bunny.

I sure hope the mailman didn’t leave us a dead bunny instead of the mail.