Tatter Scoops

A Tall Order? The Man Criteria, Second Time Around

2012-02-03T16:02:45Z

“I honestly don’t know…”

My head shook as I tried to answer that one simple question one of my best friends asked.

After my world, my belief, my visions were shook to the core it is not easy to know what I want to find in a man anymore.

So her simple “What kind of man are you looking for?” caught me off guard. One that I can’t answer straight off the bats.

© Photographer Eduardkraft | Agency: Dreamstime.com

Should she asked me that a decade ago or so I would simply whip it out and lay down my list of ‘that ideal guy’ on the table with a passion.

Back then, I was a young naïve girl with a vision of what the perfect love is – or so I thought – but I knew what I wanted.

Fast forward to my nearly 33 years of living, after being a mother and a divorcee, things has changed…shifted.

When I looked back at my young naïve self, I saw how much she tend to see the world through that rose tinted glasses. A fantasy world she built came crumbling when the reality is not as sweet as her dreams. Of how easy she handed her heart out…to the wrong kind of guys.

Now, the things that didn’t even matter in my youngster years somehow made it to the list. Little things that young me failed to recognize are now becoming factors.

Mentally I no longer kept a list of my ‘perfect man’ as there is no such thing as a perfect man just like there’s no perfect girl out there.

What I envision now is someone who is not afraid of my past, who can understand where I’m coming from. Someone who knows that there will be moments where ghosts from my past emerged and scared me but I know I will win and cast them away for good. Above all, just like any other single moms out there…I see someone who can accept this little person that will be part of his life too. That is very important for me!

To love me is to love my boy too…

A tall order, I know.

But that’s just how it will be and I know he’s is out there.

So yeah, when I meet him I will know.

Are you a single mom/dad? Do you find your ‘list’ of that ideal man/woman changed after your divorce?

Painting With Faith

2012-01-29T16:54:08Z

“Breathe…” I nudge myself gently “And let it flow…”

My world is slowly shifting in a way that I didn’t see coming. It’s been slow and steadily changing.

Of course my first reactions were to secure and double check the fortress I build surrounding myself. Just to make sure that I’m safe within.

But as I plan to fall in love with myself this year, I decided to take that leap of faith and opened up a window. Yes, still a window…but it was enough for now as I got to look outside the thick cold walls.

What I see makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me forget that I suppose to ‘toughen it up’ for a little while.

Then I began to share my stories. My pain, my battles, my demons. Stories untold just flow out like a broken dam, they were unfiltered, overflowing. It was raw and honest and as real as the tears shed behind every words.

Just like a pro, I would push it away. Try to scare it away when I feel it was getting way too close for comfort. With every brick that was crushed by its persistence, I quickly jumped and try to mold a new one. But the force is steadily coming. Gently…softly…

These bricks are starting to crumble on its own. Yes, it scares the hell out of me but the breeze of fresh air brushing up caressing my face and my soul feels so good after all these times. The warmth of the sun kissing my skin feels so right. For once I can shed my mask and be who I really am.

Maybe it’s true…

It’s like we are painting. We picked what colors to chose. Patience will be required as we put different colors, different strokes, different shapes on the empty new blank canvas. And when the time comes, we could take a few steps back to marvel at how painting with faith can morph into something beautiful.

So, I’m going to paint…painting with faith.

This is my Stream of Consciousnesses with the awesome All.Things.Fadra.

Picture from: Dreamstime Free Stock Photos

Walk At Your Own Risk!

2012-01-27T09:08:29Z

The early Monday news haunt me till this very minute.

9 innocent lives gone taken by one drunk, driver’s license-less and a meth head girl on Sunday morning in Jakarta.

Image from: Kompas

The driver and her 3 friends survived but those 9 lives are forever gone.

This has became a national headlines today and I feel sick down to my stomach.

Let me tell you, here, you ride the filthy public buses you’ll get groped by perverts, you ride the train you will get squeezed like sardines. You ride public mini-vans and you get raped! Now it’s not even safe to walk down the street? How sad has this city become is beyond me. This is just a daily part of commuting in Jakarta, a picture I took riding the all female train.

First of all, like I had blog before, sidewalks in Jakarta is pretty much nonexistent! They are either uneven, with dangerous pot holes, cracked or just pretty much occupied with those street vendors or covered with motorbikes trying to escape the congested traffic.

Now let’s talk about drivers courtesy in general here. Guess what, it’s pretty much nonexistent too.

As someone who doesn’t drive here, I’ve heard my father vented out about how rude people can get once they are behind the wheels here, be it two wheeled or four wheeled ones.

Road courtesy is nonexistent. Driver’s education? Nonexistent!

No wonder a lot of Indonesian drivers failed their tests if they attempt to get driver license abroad.

Do you even know how freaking easy it is to get a driver’s license here? Just bribe and voila! You can now drive and put everyone else’s lives at risk by having no ideas how to drive safely. The whole system is beyond broken and maybe that’s why I refused to drive here.

What pissed me and so many millions other Indonesians are the facts that this girl would only face 4 to 12 years in prison for what she did. Really? It’s a freaking DUI for God’s sakes. Is that how cheap the price of one’s life in my country? Among the victims were a 7 months pregnant lady. Killed with the baby inside! She went all Grand Theft Auto on these people and will just get a slap in the hand for it?!

This is so outrageous and make such a huge mockery out of our justice system. Personally, I think this girl should be handcuffed right away not tweeting and playing around with her Blackberry at the crime scene like shown on TV. From what I read, she had the time to locked her Twitter account just before she got arrested. There is no word to describe how disgusting that is. She should pay for what she did and spend the rest of her lives behind bars to think of those innocent lives taken by her stupidity!

So yeah, I guess in Jakarta walking now need to come with a warning label! Walk at your own risk.

What’s DUI laws are in your country?

A Wedding And A Quest For The Perfect Dress

2012-01-24T01:54:01Z

So I am going to a wedding next month.

It’s my cousin’s wedding out of town in Kupang. He’s my late aunt’s eldest and will be the first to get marry from her three children.

My mother had asked me to fly there with my other aunt and my uncle.

Followed by that was whirlwind of wedding prep craziness.

You see, for us Indonesians, weddings are huge. Literally! Granted, it will be big for everyone since it’s a lifetime of commitment bla bla bla. Let’s not go there, let’s stay within the wedding ceremony and reception.

My late Aunt and her husband was and still are one of the most respected pastors in Kupang. Her husband, my uncle, is the head of the churches organization for the whole island. With such status it is to be expected that the wedding of their son to be big with invitations as many as 600 invitations. Formally, one invitation is equal for two right? So roughly we’re talking about 1,200 guests here! *Faints and opted for a quicky Vegas chapel wedding*

Ok, you guys still breathing?

When my aunt told me about the size of this wedding I nearly rolled my eyes and willing to bet that there will be more than 1,200 people showing up at the venue.

The Dress Drama

The most common thing to do would be for all women from brides and the grooms families to dress in traditional dresses of Kebaya. I knew this. Yet, when my mother said “Ok, we’re going shopping for the fabrics this Saturday.” I felt suffocated!

Don’t get me wrong, Kebaya is really really pretty looking and I am so darn proud of them. But to get into one? Laces, heavy beads and sequins on the laces, plus a bustier? I.really.am.suffocating way before the tightness of the Kebaya wrap me up.

“Can’t I just modified mine to be a mini dress or something?” I pleaded to my aunt. Hey, at least my legs would be breathing!

“Are you crazy? The wedding is not in Jakarta! It will be in a small town.” She laughed and there goes my hopes of wearing a cute little mini dress of Kebaya.

I was actually thinking of something like this:

Source: google.co.id via Helentina on Pinterest

Saturday came and my aunt came armed with my two college fresh year teenage cousins. Off we went to the famous market of Tanah Abang to start fabric shopping.

The first shop we stopped by had this really pretty looking lacey Kebaya of black with intricate red tiny glittery things making the pattern very modern and young. It was glamorous and just gorgeous. One of my teenage cousin is the sister of the Groom. Normally she would be expected to wear something formal but one glance at her, I knew she would rather go all out hajaruku style than suffering wearing those pretty girly girl Kebaya.

Sure enough after going from one store to the hundreds more…she just couldn’t find one that she liked. She wanted to wear black!

After a tiring day – my mom and my aunt had successfully bagged God only knows how many fabrics and ready to wear Kebaya sets for the families to wear. I seriously had lost count!

With only 30 minutes before the shops are bounds to be closing down, I went back to the first shop we visited. I just had to give that black & red Kebaya a try. With my black polo shirt still on, the shop attendant strapped the tight bustier and pulled the straps tightly. The results? I looked amazing! – too bad in my excitement and between trying to figure out how to breath normally because boy, were they tight – I didn’t think of reaching into my purse and snap a picture or two. The Kebaya fit me like a second glove. My stomach had never looked so flat!

But then it dawned on me…

There is no way in the world I can go around taking pictures of the wedding wearing this tight bustier under albeit a very pretty Kebaya. I can’t even bent down for Pete’s sake! So, I half heartedly take them off.

My aunt had asked me to help out documenting the wedding using my camera so yeah, I think I’d go with something more comfortable instead.

Oh and against all odds, my little cousin had persuaded her aunts to let her got away with a black dress and after seeing her tormented face during the entire shopping day I sure can’t blamed her.

In the meantime…I’m still pretty much dress-less or Kebaya-less. Maybe I’ll just grab something simple on the last minutes.

Miniskirt Controversy & Teaching Respect

2012-01-19T10:57:23Z

Today I’m over at World Moms Blog talking about To Miniskirt or Not.

The piece was inspired by the latest incident here in Tangerang city where I live. A police, reprimand a girl for wearing short.

Please do come and show me some love over there and let’s get into the discussion about the whole stigma of what a girl should be wearing or not and how we can teach our children to be respectful to others no matter what they chose to wear.

See ya!

Glimmers of Hope

2012-01-18T11:03:42Z

Do you read horoscopes or astrological signs on magazines or even online?

photo credit: tillwe

Sometimes I read them for fun, nothing serious. If I happen to be skimming through one of my mom’s trashy tabloids and it’s there yeah, I’d read it.

Somehow, I landed on a specific video on YouTube two nights ago. At first I was like “Oh, another mumbo jumbo about planets!” so I fast forwarded a bit then hit play. Just when I was about to close it down. The soft voice of the lady froze my finger mid air.

“You had a vision of your life and how it would be and what you discovered in the past 2 years or so…it’s just like a giant big wrecking ball came and wiped it all away. Your life was dramatically altered for you. Things has not gone to plan. Two years ago you were dealing with the wrecking ball feeling of this. Destruction of something in the part of your world.”

My jaws dropped…followed by my tears

Silently in the dark room, right next to my peacefully sleeping boy I started sobbing as this lady’s voice ‘talk’ to me. This lady who was coincidentally or not was saying things so spot on about how my life has been in the past two years.

Altered Visions

No one wish they would get a divorce or wake up to face their biggest fears of confronting their cheating spouse and realizing everything has gone ashtray. To wake up and faced the final curtains.

Just like most girls, I used to dream of the whole beautiful wedding gown, its veil and such. Of walking down the aisle with my dad holding my hand before handed me, his only daughter to the hand of that one man I will spend the rest of my life with.

Yes, I got married. Not in a church but I got married to the man I thought forever was real and without any of my family presents.

I dreamed of babies…I dreamed of pink bows and I got a beautiful baby boy who makes me the proudest mama ever.

I never thought after having a baby I would hate everything but it happened and it only took nearly 4 years to find the name for those demons.

When everything started to fall apart I blindly tried to hang on. Bent myself over backwards, tried to patch those holes to keep the ship afloat without realizing the captain had physically and mentally flee. It wasn’t until the water reached chest high and my bones shivering from the bitter coldness that I realized I better start swimming or I will simply drown.

My hopes were dashed…killed.

Grieving

Did I ‘properly’ grieve? I’m not quite sure. Yes, the first couple of months after I left him felt like a haze. All I could remember was I cried and rocked myself so much alone in a bedroom that belong to one of my brothers. I can’t eat let alone function. Honestly, I can’t remember much except for the sharp pain and the numbness.

Even when I thought I was used to the pain – after trying so hard to work things out – prior to me moving out, things has been hellish and hard. But facing the reality was even scarier than I thought.

Maybe I was on auto pilot mode…yeah, maybe I was. Then as I realized I still have a son who needs me much. I just plow through. One day at a time.

Wish I can get Xanax or something to help me through but nope…not even a counselor. Just some self help books and dear dear close friends. But sometimes I still wonder if that’s even enough? Did I grieve enough? Or I just suppressed them so no one can see it?

Just the way I went to covered it all up on this blog and didn’t come out about it until many months later. After writing daily about a happy family that didn’t even exist anymore. How pathetic is that? Yeah, I did that.

My friends thinks I’m strong when in reality I’m not that strong. I still grieve and still cried once in awhile. Not as much as I used to but the grieves from the demise of my marriage is still there.

I don’t want to be that girl, you know the one who keep talking about how her ex messed her life up so bad but I honestly feared I was slowly becoming her. I don’t want my blog to be such a depressing blog. There was so many bitterness inside me. Still so much pain. And when people say “You’re now divorced, get over it!” I feel like woaa wait till you get one and try telling yourself that! Maybe people deal with grief differently.

Ripples of Hope

This year will be the 2 years since I moved out and left him. He has now remarried and moving on. So why can’t I?

I broke one toe nail many years ago from doing white water rafting. Now if you see that nail, it looks perfectly normal but the numbing pain still comes and goes.

Will my heart mend like my toe? I’m sure it will eventually.

Almost two years…I should be further away from the epic center of the earthquake that shook and shattered my world. The destruction was done, my life has changed forever. I can now clean up and rebuild.

Last year I was still too close to the epic center. I can’t even bring myself to go to weddings. But next month, I’m going to one. Yes, there will be moments where sadness would find me again – as part of life – but I’m hoping it would be far and few in between now.

Now, nearly two years later, I am moving out from the epic center. The further away I get, I hope I’ll get new visions of what my future will be like. That I can sense happiness again. To feel joy. To feel little glimmers of hopes.

Compare to the way it was, this should be enough to keep me going. So I will keep my eyes open and write down those glimpse of moments of hopes, of joys throughout this year. Let’s see how many posies I can make by the end of this year.

I submitted this post to Shell’s famous Pour Your Heart Out because well these are the things that I can’t really say until I decided to throw it out there.

Breakaway

2012-01-16T12:18:30Z

I’ve probably heard this one song somewhere along the way before, it’s not like its new or anything. But for some reasons this song SPEAKS to me today.

I sat down and listen…

Really listen…

Eyes closed…

And let the words filled my mind, my heart, my soul…over and over again

These words grabbed my core and shook it hard as if giving it the much needed wake-up call.

Just a day or two after New Year’s Day I had a small conversation with one of my best friend. We talked about what we’re up to and she asked what my plans are for the brand spanking New Year.

“I want to fall in love with me…”

Even I shocked myself with the words I typed.

As it sinks in, I realize I’ve been such a bitch to my own self and enough is enough. I’m not as terrible as I think I am. No, I’m far from perfect – heck, no one is perfect! But if I keep beating myself up, keep talking myself down I will ended up believing all the bullshits I feed my soul.

So I’m claiming me this year.

It’s not easy.

But I’m trying…

I am breaking away from my old chains.

Fighting to break the old self destructions spells of “You are not worthy…” and the likes.

♥♥♥

I’m linking up with Just Be Enough and Memories Captured (genius brainchild of Alison & Galit in-case you haven’t heard!) this week. Head over there to get inspired by words and pictures.

PS: This post was inspired by Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway. Watch the video on YouTube.

The Poet, The Joker, The Smarty-Pants & The NatGeo Junky

2012-01-12T14:57:53Z

Being a mother to 5 years old boy surely has been interesting and fun so far.

My Boy The Poet

Who knew turning 5 will bring out the hidden poet inside my boy. Every night now before bed he would come up with the sweetest words when we cuddle that just makes my heart swollen with love.

“I will give you a hundred, thousand, million hearts, Mommy”

“I love you so much, Mommy. Ever after!” add a big squishy hug and kisses then you can see me melting in those little hands.

First of all, I have no idea where he picked up the Ever After line. Could it be Happily Ever After? Doesn’t really matter where it came from does it?

“Mommy, I love you to the stars of forever!”

I swear sometimes he just sees right through me especially when I’m feeling rotten inside and with just a few lines and lots of kisses from him my boo-boo has been kissed.

Meet The Joker

Oh he can be quite a joker too and it goes something like this:

Boy: “I will give Mommy so much money.”

Mommy: “Aww…that’s very sweet of you but you don’t need to do that, okay?”

Boy: “Yes, so Mommy can buy me lots of toys!”

Not quite a poet there huh?

Meet Mr. Smarty-Pants

This conversation happened a couple of days ago:

Me: “Alex, it’s bed time.”

Boy: “Ooh maan!”

Me: “Don’t oh man me.”

Boy: “What is don’t oh man me, Mommy?”

Me: “Don’t say oh man me to Mommy.”

He turned to the wall his back facing me then sighing loudly “Ooh maaaan!” then he turned around “See, Mommy I said it to the wall!”

This is a piece of conversation we had last night – setting as usual before bed.

Me: “I love you, Pumpkin…”

Boy: “Why do you call me Pumpkin, Mommy?” (believe me I tried to stop calling him this!)

Me: “Because when you were a baby you were as cute as a little pumpkin.”

Boy: “Oh, just like the pumpkin at the store!” (we went groceries shopping earlier and he actually asked if he could get a small pumpkin)

Me: “Yes, something like that.” Boy was silent so I proceeded “I love you, Baby”

Boy: “Mommy, I am not a baby anymore!”

Mommy: “Okay then, I love you Alexander!”

The NatGeo Junky

A has been into NatGeo channel since before he turned 4 and this continues in his 5 years old stage. He loves Discovery Channels too and some Animal Planet which I’d rather let him watch than the Cartoon Network. (FYI, we don’t have Nick Jr. Channel here in Jakarta *insert sad face*)

Being 5 also opened up the door to a super curiosity level that sometimes Mommy just can’t keep up with all his questions.

He would ask so many questions that watching TV with him now is hard. I know, I know, I should be thankful that this boy is eager to learn, trying to understand how things work. But man, sometimes I just want to watch TV quietly. Hah!

All in all, being 5 is pretty awesome.

If your child is 5 years old what changes do you see in them? Oh and how do you curb the “Whys, hows?” do you explain things thoroughly?

A Gift That Keeps on Giving: 1 Bracelet – 1 Child – 1 Week of Food

2012-01-11T01:21:54Z

Now that Christmas has passed and life resume to normal, our kids maybe still busy playing/enjoying their Christmas presents. But did you know that there are kids who are not as fortunate as ours? I’m talking about the orphanage children here in Indonesia.

I stumble on Give Jewelry and my heart melts, instantly.

BRACELETS WITH PURPOSE

Give Jewelry is a sustainable movement to provide food for children in orphanages throughout Indonesia. The vision is simple: every bracelet purchased directly benefits kids in need. So no matter what type of bracelet you choose: friendship bracelets, charm bracelet, leather bracelet, beaded bracelet, cuff bracelets or any of their other bracelets, you’re really choosing to make a difference.

Knowing by purchasing one bracelet you can actually provide a one whole meal for a child is a tremendous feeling. You are giving them a better life. You can watch their full length documentary of the visit to Sumba and Bali Orphanage on YouTube.

Some of the areas that Give Jewelry are working on – the Indonesian orphanage – is located in the dry land of Sumba. This speaks volume to me as my late aunt who passed away from breast cancer last June was a pastor in Kupang. Her husband, a native son of Kupang and her has been doing a lot of humanitarian works in these small places to help the people. So now can you connect the dots why I feel this ‘calling’ to support Give Jewelry?

ONE PIECE –> ONE CHILD –> ONE WEEK OF FOOD

Give Jewelry is selling truly beautiful affordable handmade pieces. Do check out their products. These bracelets are helping children in Indonesia not only to feed them but also for medical treatments like you can see on this moving documentary. With every bracelet you purchase, Give Jewelry provides one week of nutritious food (that’s 21 meals!) for a child in need.

Below are some simple steps you can take to raise awareness of hunger, encourage activism and create lasting change. With your help, we CAN end world hunger, one child at a time!

Would you like to get involve and support this cause that has become very near and dear to my heart? It’s so easy:

Subscribe to the Give Jewelry blog
“Like” Give Jewelry on Facebook
Follow Give Jewelry on Twitter
Subscribe to Give Jewelry YouTube channel

For Tatter Scoops readers, Give Jewelry is giving you guys’ special discounts! Woot woot! Easy as pie, if you decided that this is a cause worth supporting, please do buy a bracelet (or two or more!) and upon check out in the Comment Box please use this code: Tatterscoops to receive a FREE Survivor Purple Cancer Awareness Bracelet or Pink Breast Cancer Awareness bracelet as their thank you gift.

What are you waiting for? Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and their bracelets would make a perfect gift for your daughter, mother, girlfriend, etc.

If you do support this, please do let me know by leaving a comment below. Also please watch this 5 minutes video.

Worry Wart Daughter

2012-01-11T13:07:32Z

Today the boy returns to school after a pretty long break for Christmas.

Ah, I can finally sit and write in peace…or so I thought.

Fingers typing then…

“How is he going to travel that far alone?” sneaked up on me and I lost what I’m supposed to write here. Followed by a silent prayer that he’ll make it there safely.

You see my father is leaving to return to Zambia this afternoon and being the worry wart that I am I just can’t help but worrying about his trip. After his surgery last October, he’s still on the road to recovery. So the thoughts of him flying to a far away land by himself scare me. It’s such a long flight. From here he will fly to Dubai then to Johannesburg before the last leg of his trip to a small mining town in Zambia.

“Be careful!”

“Don’t force it!”

“Ask for wheelchair at the airport to help you.”

“Are you sure you have enough time between the flights so you don’t have to run?”

Those were just some of the stuffs I told him since a few days ago.

He just laughed it off. Typical of him and I got irritated because he’s taking it lightly while his only daughter fret like an old women.

Please say a few prayers for him if you can. May he gets back to Zambia safely and continue his recovery process. Thank you, friends!

♥♥♥♥

Okay, my 5 minutes is up. Come link up with Stream of Consciousness Sunday at All.Things.Fadra

Updated: My dad arrived safely in Zambia. Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers!