Tatter Scoops

Loving The Pain

2012-05-12T03:22:37Z

I’m addicted to the pain…

There, I said it!

Oh, you wipe those dirty thoughts out of your perverted mind!

I’m talking about the pain from working out at the gym.

Officially, I joined the gym on April 23, 2012 and my life has changed forever.

I started going daily in the mornings. Joined the free classes offered there. From Pilates, Aerobic and Body Language (now this one is not well known outside of Indonesia but it’s close to Pilates with the focus on tightening the pelvic muscles). One class I haven’t try is Yoga because it started at 11am – way too late to my liking plus, this mama have to work, yo!

Then I decided to step it up a notch and hired a Personal Trainer. His price was reasonable and I could really use someone to push and help me work out. I still do the free classes tho because I enjoy them too.

So starting last Monday, I dragged my excited behind to the gym before 6am to start my very first session with the PT.

He seriously meant business! I was measured and weighed. Uhm, my body fat was 30.something percent so that’s still about a normal range (still need to be lower). But but but I have a high water level of 40.something percent! Maybe I was a camel in another life! Hah but yeah, I do drinks lots of water.

My first 1.5 hour session started with 20mins of cardio by doing the fast walking on a treadmill. Mr. PT brutally added the speed to 6.5km/hours with some inclines. Although I’m used to do power walk, treadmill was different. I burnt 110 calories and sweat a ton!

After some stretching, next stop was the lat pull machine, which I love! Second machine I got to slave at was the Butterfly machine. Now these two are my current favorite machines!

Source: bodybuilding.com via Maureen on Pinterest

I cringe when Mr. PT told me to lay down on my back at a bench and handed me a 5 kilos (11lbs) weight. Had to hold the weight straight above my chest and bring it straight over my head until I’m laying there straight with both arms right next to my ears. Ouchy…ouchy…ouchy! Kid you not, for first session I was tortured with 5 reps of everything each contains 12 movements.

From there I was told to move to the cable crossover machine. “To work on your triceps!” he said and adjusted the weights to 10kilos (22lbs). Looks easier when he showed me how to do it but after one reps, I feel my arms were screaming from pain.

Then he told me to go downstairs to the first floor and handed me a 5kilos (11lbs) weight. With legs opened shoulder wide, I had to twist left and right from the waist up while holding the weight. Sounds easy huh? Not so much!

When we were done with that, again he pointed me to a bench. Reverse crunches! Oh the holy crunches. After another 5 reps, he told me to scoot over closer to the edge of the bench, I had to do seated abs crunches. OMG! I was ready to crawl to a corner and cry.

We’re not done. He gave me 5kilos (11lbs) each of dumbbells and there go another 5 reps. He said he’s using a cross training method with me. Being a gym newbie, I actually had to google this one out.

Last torture was the treadmill…

Best part of the session? When we were done, he helped me stretched and even pushed my back and you can just hear my joints cracking from a few blocks away!

“Are you coming back tomorrow?” He laughed as he saw me literally look like a drunk lady walking out of the gym. “Hell, yeah!” I tried to laugh while my thighs were shaking and every part of my body felt it’s been pulled apart wanting to give up.

Did I give up? Nope! I came back the next day for our second session. I was still so sore and tired from the day before but again, he had no mercy. When I stopped at one of the weight machine he asked “Are you going to throw up? Or Faint?” I said nope. “Then keep going!” he said.

So there, I just finished my third session of nearly 2 hours on this lovely Saturday morning. He said since it’s Saturday and we have more time, then I deserves more work!

From someone who hated to sweat, I’ve been pushing myself way beyond my comfort levels to tone up and be healthy. Seeing a bit of a result when the numbers on my scale went down felt great, the aching and soreness? It just means all those things I did at the gym really work and – somebody hold me because I never would’ve guess in a million years that I would say this – I totally enjoy working out at the gym! Also, my arms started to show some results – still a long way to go but man, I feel great!

Have you tried working out with a personal trainer? How’s your experience?

photo by: masterbutler

No, I Didn’t Just Push A Baby Out Of My Vagina, I Just Have Big Boobs!

2012-04-28T15:48:52Z

So last week I finally decided to take a huge leap…

I joined a gym!

For the first time ever in my life, mind you. Aside from the fact that I’ve been hitting a plateau in weight loss journey, I know the time couldn’t be more perfect than now to completely push myself.

Found this nice little gym not far from where I live, went there on Monday to check things out and yes, it’s a perfect place for me. Those mall gyms are just not for me besides their obnoxious price tags of course. This one isn’t packed with buffed up people that will make me feel like a total failure.

Met a Personal Trainer guy who offered me a free 1.5 hour session with him and of course offered his assistance. So I braced myself and came to gym ready to be tortured by this guy on Tuesday morning.

FYI, I never work out in a gym before other than the girly girl classes in my younger days, so this is a whole new territory for me and yeah, I was a nervous wreck the night before. Those machines seems scary to me. Mrs. Redsoxangel can testify to that!

My first session with the guy went really well. He didn’t bark orders like Jillian Michaels but he pushed me when I feel like I just wanna give up and crawl to a corner because I’m so out of shape. I sweat like there’s no tomorrow and my heart rates were sky rocketing.

After 1.5 hours of torture exercise, we had a little talk by the receptionist area. He gave me lots of inputs on how I can shape myself and not only lose these excess weights but to gain muscles.

“Did you just had a baby?”

Obviously, he can see I have big boobs although I had to bind them that day before I put on my sports bra.

“Uhm, yeah…5 years ago!”

He apologized then went on to tell me that I just need to focus on my mid sections and chest area since my legs are pretty toned from all the power walks I’ve been doing.

The next day, I braced myself for an aerobic class. Many moons ago back when I was still single, I used to do this with my girlfriends along with other classes. After a fun one hour that again, made me sweat-a-ton, the trainer and some of us sat around talking.

“Did you just had a baby?”

This time, the question came from a women in the aerobic class. It stunned me…made me glance down to my boobs – again, I bind them securely with a stretchy non-adhesive bandage – it made me wonder does lactating mother who works out bind their boobs? I honestly don’t know! Somehow, I managed to mustered up a smile and said the exact same thing I told the Personal Trainer guy.

“Yeah, 5 years ago.”

She was embarrassed then went on to asked what my bra size. Clearly from the look on her face, she never even heard of a double cup sizes! Hah! The trainer saved the awkward silence by saying I can work on my chest muscles and even threw in some information about this Doctor that can do breast reduction *cues for boob lift funds*

Asides from the fact that I know Indonesians people love to make comment on your weight and appearance in general, this felt like a pang because two different people said the exact same thing to me , two days in a row.

Was it the bandaged boobs?

The reason why I bind them is because the sports bras I have right now doesn’t give me the full support I need. Plus working out with big boobs is not fun and them girls has served as excuses for me to not working out for years! Did you know I hate running with a passion?So, until I can afford those pricey expensive sports bra, the non-adhesive bandage will have to do. Yes, it made my chest looks all weird but hey, it’s better than having them girls jiggle around while you’re working hard on the treadmill! Better than not working out at all.

Anyway, besides the boobs comment, I truly am enjoying working out at the gym and this comes from someone who hates exercise!

Those comments slapped me to push harder and drag myself to the gym despite the aching body parts. Oh, I’ve never been this sore! But that’s just signs that I’m doing the right thing.

Source: gettingfitandstayingthere.tumblr.com via Kristi on Pinterest

I’m still far away from being toned…there will be plenty of sweats and even tears but I’m not giving up. Oh and by the way, seeing the numbers went down on my scale this morning felt hella good!

Do you work out at the gym? What’s your motivations to keep pushing through?

photo by: Ivy Dawned

Make Me A Believer

2012-04-13T09:56:11Z

As I sit here looking out the windows, listening to the pouring rain and staring at the blank Word Document that has been staring back at me about half an hour…I have no idea what to write, what to blog about.

My last post was dated April 2, 2012.

I better post something, right?

Blank…

Although I do have something on my mind that I can’t shake off. Usually I knew, I have to write about it…to pour my thoughts out into words but today I hesitate. I held back.

After our big family dinner last Monday with my brother’s girlfriend and her families I can’t shake this out of my head.

You see it is part of my culture, Indonesian culture that once a couple is getting serious, the families will get involved. As we, Indonesians believe that marriage is a merging of two families. Not merely the love birds. The union does not only involves the happy madly in love couple, but also their big families.

That Monday dinner was the first time we met the girlfriend’s family. No, they are not getting married anytime soon – is that right, bro? – or that’s the plan anyway. So it was a casual dinner where two families get to know one another. Oh and some advices were given to the couple.

That’s the first in our family…

Although I was once married. I never experience anything like that. Heck, I didn’t experience a lot of things that follows my cultures.

Don’t get me wrong…I really am happy for my brother and told him “Hey, I don’t mind if you get marry before I get re-marry!” to which he laughed and brushed off. Typical of him being the mysterious kind!

But I did felt a little uncomfortable because I overheard my mother told the girl’s family “Oh, yes…she’s Reggy’s eldest sister and yes, that is her son.” Pointing at the boy who was busy playing iPad.

My automated deafening systems works well because I didn’t hear what questions followed after that but I’m sure it’s somewhere a long “Where is her husband?” then followed by an awkward silence after my mother would say “She’s divorced.” and the other party usually said “Oooh…” just nodding.

I’m no longer ashamed of my status but yes sometimes there are moments where I hate being on the spotlight.

Looking back to 7 years ago, the only ‘family dinner’ I had only involved Mr. X, my parents and my two brothers. That’s it!

It’s common to hear the couple being ~~grilled~~ asked what their plans are at these kinds of meetings aka family dinner. So if you’re not serious you better not do this!

“The key is prayers…”

“If she’s your missing rib then she won’t go anywhere…”

“Pray together, ask for the Lord’s guidance…”

Those were just some of the advices being given to the love birds.

Coming from a very religious family, part of me nodded in agreement while wondering if I will get the same kind of dinner somewhere down the line?

I was the rebel. The one that ditch family’s traditions and eloped. Well sort of…

You see, I was adamant chose to do things my way back then. Which was, got engaged, got the fiancé visa and flew halfway across the world to married him, ~~the love of my life~~ without any of my family around. Promised my parents that I will return and give them that big dream wedding they must’ve always dream of throwing for me, their first born and only daughter.

But that dream never happen. I ditched my childhood dreams of walking down the aisle holding hands with my father. Of the father – daughter dance that never take place.

I was that rebel.

Yet my parents and family love me even when I know I had disappointed them in a way. I am still their daughter. They never voice it but they don’t have to. I can feel it in my soul. Not so much about the big fat Indonesian wedding that I never have, it’s more about their only daughter who didn’t get married in a church with them witnessing it all. It must’ve been their dreams too to see me in a white gown.

Mr. X and I got married at his house in Upstate New York with just two people witnessing it, his eldest son and his girlfriend – four actually if you count the Justice of The Peace and my dog, Elvis! . At that time I thought that’s all I wanted but secretly I still have regrets of not having the kind of wedding I thought I would have.

Maybe that’s why weddings has always been emotional for me. Apart from my skeptical side after my divorce, it brought a bit of sadness because I never have that.

When I went to my cousin’s wedding last February, I used the excuse of being the family’s photographer to not listen to their wedding vows because I’ve heard them before in English of course and they meant nothing on my case. I didn’t cry because I was too busy taking pictures to even think about what a precious moment that was.

It may take time – or a really strong man – to change how I feel about wedding vows. Only time can tell but I know when my time comes I will eventually restore my faith in that union between a man and a woman as husband and wife again. I will be a believer again.

So to my brother…good luck, bro! May everything goes well for you!

If you are divorced, how do you feel about weddings and all its trimmings? If you had remarried – what restored your faith in marriage?

WAHM I am

2012-04-02T11:00:48Z

I’m slacking with this blog badly!

So what I’ve been up to lately that I haven’t even had much chance to stop by at your blogs?

OK, I’ve been going to so many job interviews here in the past couple of months that I seriously start to think I should be called a professional interview goers!

Why?

Because I left my old job – one that I held for only 3 days – because of a family emergency. You can read about it over at World Moms Blog post. I’ve been unemployed since then.

My focus has been finding a new job ever since but it hasn’t been easy. It’s been so damn hard and World Moms Blog allowed me to channel my frustrations at the whole scenes. Oh you have no idea how much I wanted to blasted these companies here that measured my capabilities and my skills as an executive secretary from how short my skirt will go. Or how sick I feel of being asked way too personal questions that totally got nothing to do with the job I was applying for.

It really has gotten so bad that I started having this attitude when I go into a job interview since then on. Mentally, I prepared to fend off and refuse to answer any more personal questions. I just had enough for the craps! And if I ended up not getting the job well, I don’t care anymore.

Strangely enough, armed with that attitude, I went to two big job interviews – granted they are international companies – so they are more professional and they never once asked me one of those uncomfortable questions such as “Why did you get divorce?”

Now, I’m happy to report that I had just accepted a job offer.

It will allows me to work from home – hey, working from home moms I’m gonna need some pointers! – and I couldn’t be more happier than this. Not only that this job have so much to offers for me in the long run, I will actually be exploring my passions professionally involving writing and social media.

There’s no more need for me to get up at 4:30 am every morning and make long commutes to and from work. There’s no need to feel guilty for getting home so late after a 12 hours working day and coming home to a sleeping child anymore.

I am beyond excited!

Oh and also, in case you haven’t see me spamming Twitter and Facebook asking for votes, Tatter Scoops has been nominated for Circle of Moms Top 25 Single Moms Blogs 2012. Which put my little blog among other fantastic single moms blogger out there in the blogosphere. Couldn’t be more proud and happier! Voting is very easy. Just go to the site (or click on the button bellow) and scroll down to find Tatter Scoops and click the Thumb Up Vote button and you’re all done. Voila! Easy peasy, isn’t? Voting will be open until 18 April 2012. I’d send you tons of virtual love and hugs if you do go and vote for me.

So, if you are a work from home Mom how do you juggle it all? What works for you to get some work done and still being there for your kid(s)?

photo by: GabrielaP93

What I Learned From A Mistress

2012-03-28T11:29:57Z

“She’s a sweet girl…” my friend assured me.

“OK…” I walked next to her heading to this upscale restaurant/bar inside a wine shop last Saturday night to meet up with this new girl alongside my other friends.

Surely, I’m glad I’ve been ‘warned’ about this new girl.

“She’s a Mistress.”

If one word could freeze me cold is that word. Mistress…it even leaves a bad taste in my mouth trying to pronounce it. Subconsciously, I had a strong reaction against the word and for all women behind it. After dealing with infidelities, yes, I strongly dislike other women who are willing to play the role as “The Other Woman”. To me, these women are home-wreckers and I honestly have no respect for any of them.

I could’ve declined the girls night out invitation…but I went anyway.

We shook hands, she’s a beautiful very friendly woman. Very confident and easy going.

The wine quickly came flowing. We had our dinner. Nice chats. But I was careful in what I was saying, secretly felt glad that I didn’t sit next to her as I would feel a little awkward. Overall, she was a good host.

The night goes on…we moved to a different place.

After a few drinks, I began to relax and started to loosen up a bit and started to enjoy our girls night out. We laughed, we kicked back, we danced. We had fun.

The next day, I found out more details about her.

She’s also a single mom who was cheated on repeatedly by her dead-beat ex-husband. She have a great career. Came from a well-off family. Financially, she’s doing really well, she doesn’t need any money from her sorry ass-ex husband to support her and her child because he’s not paying anyway.

She fell in love with the wrong man. A married man with children.

As an outsider, it’s so easy for me to judge, to say “She’s so much better than this!” or “But she could’ve pick any man she wants to!”

But you can’t pick who you fall in love with…I guess…

And she has chosen that path although I’m sure growing up she would’ve never imagine she’d be where she is today.

Her story is actually a sad one. So sad really that I can’t help but feeling sorry for her. Her story is opening up my eyes.

It shifted the way I see the whole Mistress phenomenon…that maybe there are two kinds of them out there. The ones who truly fell in love and stays despite the fact that ‘their man’ can’t leave their real families to be with them fully and they’re content with having whatever arrangements that works for them. Then there’s one who became Mistress solely for financial reasons.

Seeing her, learning about her story alter my way of thinking for sure. She taught me that behind every label there is an individual with variety of different stories. I could’ve gone with my ‘morally correct’ belief and steer clear from befriending someone who is a Mistress. I was once in the opposite side of her story. I was once “The Wife” so I can totally relate to how the wife must’ve feel. But if I did that, I might missed on this important life lesson.

Never judge…

Source: Uploaded by user via Maureen on Pinterest

The choices she made and took may go against my beliefs but it’s her rights. It is her life.

As hard as it sounds. Mind your own business.

She’s a nice girl and will I hang out with her again? Absolutely!

photo by: .bobby

Final Pieces

2012-03-22T12:07:51Z

It was time…

I’ve held back long enough and the time had finally arrived.

So I opened that small drawer in my closet. Had to dug, took a few things out before my hand felt it. A golden small box.

Time freezes as I pulled it out of the drawer and sat on the edge of my bed that morning, two days ago.

As I opened the lid up, there lays two ring with a broken symbol. Something I haven’t seen in nearly two years.

The first ring…

Was something that I used to think of as the most beautiful thing I had ever wore. A token that I thought I was going to keep forever when it was first given to me 7 years ago.

I lift the small ring…it was dull probably from wear and tear or just from me not wearing it for so long. It had lost its sparkles, one that blinded me 7 years ago. The hope it symbolize of a new beginning had died but I still remember vividly of how over the moon I felt when he got on that one knee and popped the question.

Fast forward to two years ago, he refused to take it back, instead he slid it back into my purse when I picked up boxes of my belonging before I left the apartment for one last time after he and I said our final goodbyes.

Carefully I put that ring back into the box.

I picked the second ring…

It was bigger, brushed with one small diamond encrusted in it. Ironically, it was only 3 years old. My parents got that as a present in 2009 when Mr. X and I had our church ceremony. It replaced, the original wedding bands. Yes, he and I didn’t get the church ceremony until 4 years after the initial civil wedding.

Ironic, because at the time my marriage was already at the edge of a cliff – no one knew about it.

The saddest part was my parents really looked so happy that day. Me, their one and only daughter had finally gotten the church’s blessing! My father shed happy tears…albeit the fact that it took place at my parents’ house lead by a pastor not at a church like I’ve always dreamed of growing up.

Those rings may seems perfectly normal in another eyes.

But not in mine…

To me, they are beyond broken. They are invisibly shattered. The moments he stepped out of the circle of what suppose to be a holy matrimony band – he broke the rings. The vows meant nothing.

So today was bitter-sweet…

Sitting at the jewelry store today, watching the jeweler examined those rings… I knew I am letting go one last piece of evidence from my past life. My Mom sat next to me. She didn’t say much. My son happily swirling the stool around. That boy is my only evidence left of the marriage that ended two years ago.

I looked down at my bare fingers…

The pale spot on my ring finger had disappeared. I had stopped the subconscious movement of the fingers to adjust those rings that were no longer there like I used to do for years.

My fingers may be empty for now. But one day…I can see someone sliding something in there again someday and it will be different. There won’t be any trip like this to resell it because those rings will be mine forever.

One day…

And I smile…

My heart was lighter.

Liberated, finally!

If you are divorced, what did you do with your ring(s)? How long did it take you to do anything to them?

photo by: winterofdiscontent

Honey, I’m Not Fat, They’re Called Boobs

2012-03-19T02:18:08Z

“Have you seen her pictures on Facebook? Why does she looks skinny in pictures? She’s fat!”

“She’s not fat! Her boobs makes her look fat!”

The above conversation happened between two ex colleagues of mine, as I was told a few days later by one of them.

Initial reaction? I laughed!

And you betcha I gotta blog about it!

Well, honey…I may still have more weight to shed especially since I’ve been having issues with my weight for a long time and I’ve never been your typical itty bitty petite Asian my whole life. But yes, these are real boobs! They are homegrown, mind you.

So Having Boobs Makes Me Fat?

Apparently to some people it does. Heck, sometimes I feel fat too! These bad girls really drawn more attentions than I intended huh?

Pre-baby and pre-nursing I had a perfect size. But of course had to kissed them both sayonara when motherhood kicked in! Back then I always felt huge because well, hello…they were already big. Now, five years later after a kid yeah go figure.

So yeah, maybe having big boobs does makes me looks fat huh?

Big Boobs Are Not Always Good

Believe me folks, having big boobs sometimes can feel like a curse. And I should know as I came from a long line of women with them badass big boobs! Rare breed in Asian countries, yeah I know. I have to admit being well endowed as Asian girl really sucks most of the times unlike what you pervert thinks!

Most guys tend to forget that my eyes are up here under my eyebrows. Some men will gave me the creepy ogling look that makes me want to poke them in the eyes with a fork. While most girls bluntly said they’d like to have some of what I have – to which I usually reply “Can your ATM receive boobs transfer?”

Living here, doesn’t make it easier on us girls with big boobs. Wearing too loose top will makes me appear fat, while wearing something tight will definitely drawn the attentions to them girls!

Having big boobs means you will draw attentions…unwanted attention. You covered them up. You started hunching your back which was something I used to do a long time ago.

Another biggest problem of having big boobs? Hello, back pain?! There are moments when my back hurts so bad it hurts to even lay down and walking became difficult! Mine has became worst since I had my son.

Let’s not even talk about getting pregnant again. As much as baby fever still caught me, seeing how big my mom is – sorry Mom! – it scared the crap out of me, dude!

Shopping for bras here can be a pain too. Most bras sold here are what I called false advertisement ones. Uhm, padded much? I have to shell more money on bras than shoes! Oh and why the hell does all those cute bras always always have to be the padded ones with tiny straps? Ugh!

Loosing Weight

Since last year, I’ve been trying to get back in shape. In total, I’ve dropped a whooping 40 pounds yo! (I’d prefer the lbs counts than the kilos as it makes it looks like I drop much more than ‘mere’ 18 kilos, eh?)

Power-walking pretty much toned my legs up, which I love and I’ve been strutting miniskirts proudly even ignoring my Mom’s complaint. Hey, I’d rather show them legs than my cleavage these days!

My arms, they’ve never been huge – although they could use some toning up.

But for whatever reasons, these girls stays the same! So yeah it sucks big time – insert boob lift dream here – but maybe there’s a way to toned them too out there.

So as I’m continuing this shape-me-up journey, of course I’ll be posting progress pictures to share with my friends.

If you still thinks I’m fat…well Honey, maybe you just need to get yourself some implants or more padded bras?

photo by: queenBlingerie

Knowing When Enough Is Enough

2012-03-15T01:23:19Z

“I envy you so much…” Her voice trails off into the darkness…her eyes wonders off to the unknown horizon.

“Huh? Why??” The very notion of her question took me by surprise.

“Because you have it all under control. You took the leap and let go of your pain.” I can feel every inch of her pain tucked deep behind every words and my heart is breaking. “And now you’re in a happy place.” She let a sigh heavily slipped through her troubled soul “And I can’t do the same thing…”

God, my heart is scattered right then and there for her. Such a beautiful tormented soul.

“I did that…took the leap…and I am now in a happy place but I still have my moments you know. The healing process is a journey.” I wanted to hug her “Everybody is different. You’re actually stronger than you thought.”

Wished I could gave her a more assuring, a more clever witted wisdom loaded answer than that but she knows that I care a whole lot.

“If I was strong, I would’ve left a long time ago…”

When Enough Is Enough

Yes, I took that leap of faith – maybe blinded by so much emotion – but now looking back I could positively say that I sure am glad that I did what I did. Yes, that one top shot lady lawyer blamed me for moving out while I sat in her fancy office bawling my eyes out because she said that was the stupidest move ever.

In the two years leading up to my moving out, there were plenty of times where I contemplating on leaving but never have the guts to actually do it. Hoping he would change made me decided to stay, to fought a little more to glue together a marriage that was clearly had fallen apart at the seams.

Until that moment came…

It was exactly two years and ten days ago, that I finally got the guts to walk away.

Two years and ten days ago, just two days after my birthday, I saw those smiling faces mocking me through the monitor and my life was forever changed.

Two years and ten days ago, I came ‘home’ to that cold sanctuary that supposed to be ‘our home’ and packed up as much of my stuffs as I can. Moved out on 4 March 2010. To add a dramatic touch…I smashed ‘our’ framed picture on the living room floor and shred the picture to pieces and drop that smiling picture of the love birds on top of the mess.

Two years and ten days ago, my world was shaken to its core, my belief in marriage shattered.

Two years and ten days ago…I started hating my birthday.

I was in the darkest deepest pit of despair

That was my “I-had-enough-moment!”, albeit the short-lived attempt to try and fix the marriage again, in a way it was the pain that pushed me to regain my life.

There is no clear cut ways of knowing when enough is enough. Every marriage is different, every case is different. If I had the courage to walked out and end mine, it doesn’t mean I expect all my unhappily married friends to follow suit.

I’ve heard stories of women staying in unhappy marriage for so many different reasons for years, some never leave but it’s their choice and I try not to judge and be supportive instead.

Should You Stay Or Should You Go

As a friend, part of me wish she would leave, would reclaim her own happiness in life instead of living in pain all the time. She deserves better than living a lie that slowly kill her soul inside.

She knows how I feel but I won’t dictate her. If she decided to stay then I would be right there on the sideline being her shoulder to cry on and letting her venting it all out because I understand…I was in her shoes over two years ago. Should she chose to leave she knows I’m there for her too.

That goes for all women contemplating on ending their marriage for whatever reasons. No one can tell you what to do! Knows that if you decide to stay there are prices to pay and maybe – just maybe – your marriage can be salvage, but there are also prices to pay when you decide to get divorce.

Only you knows what is right for you and especially if you have children involves then things won’t be as clear cut.

In a way it’s a catch 22 when there are children in the mix and I can’t give you any advice on what to do other than do what’s best for YOU. I decided to end my marriage because of infidelities and it wasn’t easy but yes, I am in a much happier place today.

And no, I don’t hate my birthday anymore.

I have more reasons to celebrate life now.

If you are divorced when was that moment that you know you had enough? If you are not divorced, what advice would you give to your unhappily married friends?

PS: I’m linking this post up with Shell’s Pour Your Heart Out: Second Anniversary celebration. Go check it out.

photos by: ...storrao... & Dr. RawheaD

Deciphering Me

2012-03-11T10:14:42Z

Fadra asked a very intriguing question for this week’s Streams of Consciousness Sunday. Have you read my mind, dear lady? Coz you totally nailed it! Not only that, Jen from World Moms Blog asked Is there something you feel passionate about but aren’t doing anything about?

Have I reached my prime?

Sadly, I don’t think so. Those calling, those passions, those bliss…they are still pretty much a jumbling blur of images in my mind that I haven’t answer. Maybe I need to decipher them out one by one using what feels right.

Lately, I’ve been contemplating on my career…on where I want to go. Maybe turning 33 did that to you – who knows – but it leaves me questioning about what I really want to accomplish in this lifetime.

Yes, my career paid the bills and I truly enjoy it but is that what I really want to do for the rest of my life? I don’t think so. Actually, I’ve been thinking a lot about changing career path all together because after 12 years, I am hitting a smack of reality that things are just not the way they were.

“Is it wise to follow your dream at this age?” and “But you have a child to feed, you are a single mom after all!” are mere lines that clouded my judgments in making changes of my career. And the guilt would set in, the mind war begin.

Starting something new is scary…it’s daunting, especially when you are unsure. It’s out of my comfort zones completely yet I’ve been yearning to do more than this.

Maybe when I can get a clearer picture then I can decide on which path to choose.

Then I can smile knowing I will have a legacy to leave behind, something that came from the heart not from working 12 hours a day.

Have you reached the prime of your life? What do you want to be your legacy?

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday. Join the fun by clicking the banner.

photo by: Julian@- OFF/on

Chasing The Demons Away – Part Deux

2012-03-09T03:57:10Z

Darkness…they came back.

So much so that I started pushing the one who love me again for the million times.

Doubts filled up to the brim of my ~~cracked~~ healing heart.

“Why?”

He just wanted to understand, wanted to know.

But I stuttered, my brain failed to woven the words to express why I keep pushing him away and saying the things I don’t really mean.

“Maybe because everyone chose to be with someone else before…” just saying that left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“I love you and I’m not going anywhere.” Shutting the lids tight as tears started to welled up around corners of my eyes

“I’m sorry…” that’s all I could weakly whisper.

“It’s ok.” Short words but it wrap me like a tattered old childhood blanket that still warms you on one of those nights where nightmare felt so real.

The common sense inside me slap me hard for acting this way. For making an ass out of myself by assuming he would just be like everybody else.

It’s not fair for him to keep hearing me saying “Maybe you should go find someone else!” every time he says things that rubbed me the wrong way.

Pic from: StarrGazr

Not fair at all…

The crippling fears and doubts that has been resurfacing lately will only hurt him…hurt me…and I know he’s been absolutely patience with me.

Hate these ghosts from my past that has taken me hostage again and I am fighting hard to break free and cast them away. They pour doubts in my head, telling me I could never trust again. They sabotage me from my own happiness.

Here I am sitting alone trying to free myself from the shackles of the past so I can fully give my heart to him. The one who understands me, the one who will not walk away when I am in one of my lunatic states.

I want to hold his hand as we continue this path together but I also don’t want to keep looking back through my rearview mirror and let stupid fears crippled me and keep me hostage. He’s not here to pay for the sins of my ex. Instead, I should thank Mr. X…for he had gave me a lesson of a lifetime.

Now I should enjoy the feelings that Mystery Man has been giving me. We are both taking chances on us. He filled that tall order I thought I had. He allows me to feel love again even when I was a skeptic. He has help me healed some of the scars I carried. He helped me letting go of the last few strands of bitterness I held on to because they were the pain I’m used to. He allows me to learn to trust myself again.

Pic from: nicole.pierce.photography ♥

For all that, I thank you Mystery Man!

photos by: StarrGazr & nicole.pierce.photography ♥