Tea and Honey Bread

The Scintilla Project: Day Nine

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 06:29:00 +0000

The excuse: I have been, uh...shall we say, feeling not so scintillating--us writerly folk get that way from time to time, and time and again. Anyway a week late, but still awesome and without further ado.

The Scintilla Project

The prompt: Write a list of 23. (23 things to do, 23 people you owe apologies to, 23 books you've lied about reading, 23 things you can see from where you're sitting, 23 ten-word hooks for stories you want to tell....)

Twenty three terrific things about today...like right now, before the feeling subsides

1. Colombian coffee

2. Gardening

3. 5 sleeping cats, yes five of 'em.

4. 2 great young people

5. A hot shower

6. Patchouli body oil

7. Beer bottle print pajamas

8. Conversation

9. Hearty laughter

10. Fresh laundry

11. Biochemistry (Some day I'll be done, so let's count it now.)

12. Too many cookies

13. A new dress

14. Michael Cotto

15. A long walk

16. A soft wind

17. A rabbit!

18. Bad television

19. Diet Coke

20. My younger sister

21. Party planning

22. More coffee

23. Yoga

The Scintilla Project: Day Eight

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 18:19:00 +0000

The prompt: What are your simplest pleasures? Go beyond description and into showing the experience of each indulgence.

Words.

Long ones, short ones, cliche and obscure

Modern, archaic, proper and all slang-like

I love them all

If I had my druthers, I'd piddle about with them all day;

I'd pick 'em, spit 'em, drop 'em

I'd twist 'em, mince 'em, chop it up

I'd sing 'em, most loud, sweet cacophony

Oh, but occasionally

I eat 'em

I quote 'em, I give 'em, I take 'em

I live and breathe 'em

I fear them

"They can and will be used against you"...

They'll break you, maim you, cut you down to size;

A detail, minutiae, to an infinitesimal speck of who you thought you once were

They'll expose and exploit you

Pulchritude, power, horror, ugliness and shame

They are love and loathing, hope and despair

They incite riots and laughter and insight and change

They escape you, they fail you, but they come back...

Awestruck by love, writhing in pain, at desire's peak, on the brink of death

A final utterance, one last plea

For naught but their own posterity

Words.

The Scintilla Project: Day Six

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 16:24:00 +0000

The prompt: Write the letter to the bully, to the cheater, to the aggressor that you always wanted to but couldn't quite. Now tell them why they can't affect you anymore.

I wish I was there. I wish I was ready. I wish I could narrow it down to the one thing, the one time that hurt the most. I wish I knew that any of it actually mattered; that my pain was not in vain. I wish you'd come to me someday having discovered empathy, ready to offer an apology. I wish that apology might somehow validate me and set me free.

I'm gonna put this out there Universe, and if I may, just one more wish. Will you aid me in the strength and clarity to revisit this prompt at some point when I'm there, when I'm ready, when it doesn't affect me anymore.

The Scintilla Project: Day Seven

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 16:06:00 +0000

The prompt: Talk about a time when you saw your mother or father as a person independent of his or her identity as your parent.

Talk of the units always presents with a bit...OK a boatload, of trepidation. As the once-- but no longer-- only child of addicts, I've struggled through the years to let my siblings have their own reality, their own experiences and mostly their own voice, often stifling mine in the process, but that ended when my writing began.

I'll tell you that much of my life I've seen my mother as anything but a mother. For the entirety of my childhood, I was the parent, hers and mine, and later my siblings and lastly--still amidst my childhood, my own children.

She is the subject of many unpublished essays, therapy sessions and my own looming fears. She's just so flawed, so human, so independent of her identity as anything or anyone, and subsequently independent of obligations to anything or anyone. I find her equally as shameful as she is enviable.

I could go on forever about the times she disappointed me, "dropped the ball", but what I fear I'll never understand is why I always rush to pick it up, again and again, until I'm juggling-- mother, daughter, sister, teacher, friend, therapist, perpetual fixer-upper to the clan. I've spent my life navigating and surviving her independence. What I'd like is to someday bear witness to the declaration of my own independence; a life independent of codependency.

The Scintilla Project: Day Five

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 19:32:00 +0000

The prompt: Show a part of your nature that you feel you've lost. Can you get it back? Would it be worth it?

Aah... if I knew then what I know now. I've heard it, I've said it, I've willed it, wished it, vied it over and over and over, again and again and again. And, now I know. I know now, that which had I known then would place me exactly where I am now--only sooner, and for longer; wishing, vying, over and over and over, again and again and again that I didn't know-- not then, not now, not ever, what it is that I know now.

Two subtle divots, at the upturned corners of my lips ago, alongside a certain soft and supple something in the light of my eyes; regrettably, I never took note of them until the day they went away, the day I learned what I'd wished I'd known, but now know, and wish I didn't.

It was a time when forever meant for ever, when there was but one version of the truth, when love was more than enough and that meant by default, I--in love, and being loved--was more than enough too. It was a time of innocence, of ignorance, of bliss, it may very well have been the best of times. But, I wanted to know, to know better, and so now I do, only I wish I didn't. Aah... if I knew then what I know now.

The Scintilla Project: Day Two

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 05:26:00 +0000

The prompt: When did you realise you were a grown up? What did this mean for you? Shock to the system? Mourning of halcyon younger days? Or the embracing of the knowledge that you can do all the cool stuff adults do: drink wine, go on parent-free vacations, eat chocolate without reprimand?

The short of it--I'm not grown yet. I'm thirty-eight, and if the powers that be wouldn't spare me this earthly existence in the throes of past years' miseries, that Bitch--capitalized with all due reverence-- had better let me live long enough to make sense of it all.

The long of it--depending when asked, I'll dig deep into my mental crates and offer you a tale or twelve of victory and some defeat, starring me, in what sometimes looks a lot like a -- neck roll, eye roll, pursed-lips-- grown ass woman, but one can never be too certain.

Was it my wedding day? I was eighteen years and a whole fourteen long summer days old. Mayhaps...

It could have been the twenty eight hours of grueling anything-but-natural, natural childbirth. Or, the time spent thereafter in NICU deciphering medical jargon whilst my painfully engorged breasts leak and my child lay cyanotic. Maybe it was when I finally got to bring him home...or, last December when he left home.

Maybe, it came in the subtle silence of the formative years, his and mine and ours, when we were three. Or was it amidst the storm when I fled, or when he fled, or when I fled again? No umbrella, no coat.

Perhaps, I clenched the moment like a baton? Twenty-four and relaying back and forth between two lives, two loves: the one that felt right and the one that was right. Then again, I just knew I felt a certain tinge of something when I committed...recommitted, to the latter. Sacrifice, take one for the "team", isn't that what grown-ups do?

Did I lay my claim to adulthood at 26; one last push and bellow, the birth of child number two. Or is it in my admirable resistance to push back when she pushes my buttons; vitriol spewing from pink, angry, pubescent rage-filled lips?

The moments when it all falls apart are as relevant on the journey as when it all comes together. Maybe it's all of these things collectively, and maybe it's none at all. Growing... grown...I just want to hold on long enough to make sense of it all.

The Scintilla Project: Day Four

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 18:19:00 +0000

The prompt: What does your everyday look like? Describe the scene of your happiest moment of every day.

The rich stench of dark, freshly pressed, fair trade, organic lust fills the air whilst the tea kettle whistles. Harmoniously, cats trill and purr, busheled tails dancing to the beat of a new day's desert sun. Standing still in the east corner of my starting over space, the warmth of strong hands descend my neck and shoulders as chills and tangibly goosed skin ascend to meet them. "Good morning, _____", he greets me. I gaze over my left shoulder untoward him and return what we've come to refer to as simply, the look. We each smile, and while no words are uttered, much is said as I grab my mug and he fills his.

I nestle into the soft, floral chair afront my desk, mug raised, blank screen before me, steam fogs my lenses, but I don't care. I am watching him intently from an unobstructed periphery; blinking softly, slowly, steadily, I will the etching of this moment for eternity--which literally begins in less than 6 months.

I lower the mug from my lips just as the telephone rings and a New York City exchange shows on the caller ID. Smiling, I nod in blissful satiation, "Hi ____", I say, raising an octave and my foggy lenses, "I was just thinking about you!"

Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.-Gibran

The Scintilla Project: Day One

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 18:25:00 +0000

Who are you? Come out from behind that curtain and show yourself.

Who am I?

I saw this prompt and wanted to run...

One year and two months ago in the blink of a mascara-caked lash and a lustful, wandering eye, my life's story and much of my identity were leveled; one match, one wind in the woods out west. I am humble.

Several months I lay on two tear-stained pillows--stationary, on one half of a bed once shared. I am wounded.

One psychiatric ER visit and five prescriptions later, I am unwell.

Friends-- few but dear, share warmth and well-wishes in words and offerings. I am loved.

A trip, a glossed lip, a feigned--albeit well-executed, self-assured sway of the hip, no slip. Laughs coyly. I am back.

Two children in tow, sans one spouse, one half of a hyphenated name, two thousand fewer square feet, and two months later. I am here.

Two strong arms, two brown eyes, one great smile, a loyal, golden heart, one marvelous man. I am ready.

I saw this post and wanted to run, I am not a runner. I am a writer, and this is where my story begins...again.

Who are you? Come out from behind that curtain and show yourself.

The Scintilla Project: Day Three

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 17:22:00 +0000

With intense trepidation he summoned me toward him, lightly patting the large, blue, pillow-backed sofa. On his face was an expression I'd seen before; an expression I knew meant nothing good, but couldn't quite place. I felt fear and tension embrace me as I pulled the laundry unto me like a shield. I intuitively looked to the sky and took a deep cleansing breath in and then out. I could hear my heart beating. Fight or flight? I could feel my inner Self-- as if disjointed from the present Self-- frightfully pounding from within as if she were trying to break out and away from the impending doom. Such is the deep silent omnipresent worry of anyone living with mental illness. But, there was no time for escape or disassociation, here I was before him shrinking inside as his lips began to part and utterance befell me. "I've been thinking..." he said, when my eyes widened in insurmountable fear, having just placed that... "I know that face, oh no...I know that face!" I began to shiver and brace myself with another deep, albeit labored and broken breath.

My heartbeat is so loud, to hear him I shake my head and adjust my footing, like an old TV antenna. Squinting, I direct my eyes on his and begin to hear his words escape, in forced crackling sputters from his own personal stranglehold of pain. "...unfulfilled...break...sep-a-ration". From his lips to my ears and through me like a fire gavage, engorging my chest and belly before reflexive rejection violently forces it back up where it wedges tightly in my throat. I close my eyes and will my heart to stop beating, or conversely that I might open my eyes in full view of a cat's ass and have this have been a terrible, horrible, very bad dream.

I sit, having dropped the laundry somewhere during the first blow and the present moment; time is dragging at warp speed. Now, with my hands suddenly free, I place one on my throat and one on his leg as the first tear begins to fall, followed by so many others. One, for all of the many years of tireless, endless love, hard work and commitment. I know what he said, I know what I heard, but what I feel is "shame...pain...dev-a-station". Silently, we sit before each other and while on the outside I'm visibly imploding, on the inside I'm planning and constructing strategies, compromises, sacrifices- an-y-thing I can will my troubled mind to piece, because I am a fixer.

But, this time-this time is different and, there are many layers deep beneath the surface which warrant repair-self repair. Selfishness: the caveat of married people may be our only saving grace. It is with that recognizance that I retreat, not in surrender but in search of the answers that are buried beneath the piles of photos, milestones and memories amassed through the years: under promises and obligations, at the naked core of who we truly are as individuals.

"For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning."-Gibran

This post, titled, "One" was originally written and published to a select audience on January 21, 2011. I opted to re-post publicly in response to The Scintilla Project's Day 3 prompt:

What's the story of the most difficult challenge you've faced in a relationship? Did you overcome it? What was the outcome?

In short, the most difficult challenge I've ever faced was the acceptance that my 20+ years marriage was irretrievably broken. It was also at this time that I realized the resulting razor-sharp shards were bleeding me of my purpose: a passion for life and the courage to love freely and deeply. The outcome? On the surface-- divorce, but what has transpired within me escapes articulation; I am experiencing a paradigm shift that is simply other-worldy. Did I overcome it? No, but I have accepted it, and that may be all I need...for now.

Peace and the power of one

This week at The Hive

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 15:23:00 +0000

In a People House:
pineapple propagation, a NEW! watering can, a NEW! project, my desk

"Every day is a winding road, I get a little bit closer to feeling fine".
-Sheryl Crow

Things have been looking up around here! The garden's in full swing, my starting over space is beginning to come together and say, Tameka dwells here! And, NEW! projects are drawing me out of the bedroom and back at my desk. Well, the projects and some not so subtle prompting from Yael Rose who reminded me that I've been [not quite] "living" in my bed for over a year now. Gulp, gasp, fish eyes. That being said, I'm pushing myself to spend more time upright and active.

I've mentioned my container gardening adventures in an earlier post, yes? I absolutely love it, but it can and has gotten rather costly, so these days I've began (or is it "begun", hmm?) looking at cheaper alternatives, like propagating stems and cuttings from existing plants. I saw a video on pineapple propagation on Youtube and with pineapples at .97 each at the local indie grocer's (subtle buy local plug there), it was a win-win. I'll post more pics and updates as it progresses.

In other news:

A few weeks ago, Barbara, of Chasing Metamorphosis invited me to partake in a snail mail journaling project which has led to a renewed excitement in all things paper and prose. The possibilities for a blank page are endless and the timing could not be better as I am in so many ways turning a new page in life as well. I have since started to dig out ideas and ephemera and will begin putting it all down for posterity over the next few days.

So, that's what I have going on here at The Hive; what have you all been up to recently?

Peace and projects

Slow and sorta' steady

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 20:14:00 +0000

In our garden: orange mint, strawberries and apple mint

"Be like the turtle", said my partner's dad, and my eyes met his full-on for the first time in the, oh, thirty or so minutes that I sat in awkward, albeit familiar silence. That was meet-the-parents-day in July of last year. Michael is spontaneous and not at all like a turtle, so there I sat in his parents' home in a much shorter dress than I'd have liked, the sheen of NYC summer on my face, a tousled head, and for the sake of creative license, I'll say a tad of a 'tude.

But those words projected above the din of discomfort in my head as if I somehow knew that he knew...like, really knew. Whilst I stared, nodded, smiled and sucked it all in, Michael's father's partner busied herself about their meticulously kept kitchen, in what seemed like an effort to find the one food item she could offer of which I could not decline. Alas, a firm peach was offered and accepted, the conversation lulled, and my mind began to shout.

Turtles, I thought, slow and deliberate, armored, somewhat fearful--at least, in my anthropomorphous observations of our amphibious friends. The connection wasn't made immediately, but I clung to the belief that it would, if I just kept returning to the concept. And, I did, over the many months and thousands of miles that would separate us just shortly thereafter.

It was six months before I saw Michael again, and in those months in between, I'd researched, mentally prepared and filed for divorce, sold the contents of our family home, moved into my starting over space, and wagered for my life with grief and debilitating depression, all of which I did slowly, deliberately and armed oft-times with nothing more than the belief that there was something greater on the other side of this, and at equal times disarmed that there may not be.

It'll be six months before Michael returns to me, to the west coast, to stay. You can imagine we speak of turtles often, we see them in our travels (I make him buy them for me!) and, we call upon them in our dreams. We build our daily intentions around them, as we slowly, deliberately begin a life together, armed with nothing more than the belief that together we are greater; life is greater shared, sorrows are better halved. So we journey on together even while we are apart, slow and sorta' steady, he and I.

Peace and purpose,

Sunday Free Flow

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 16:19:00 +0000

Clears throat and channels inner radio personality, "It's 8:00 am, and what a beautiful Sunday morning it is in the Valley of the Sun. We're blowing off the dust and digging deep into the mental crates with DeBarge's 1983 hit, "A Dream". This goes out to all you gettin' old heads in denial and the silly youngsters who think the melody was stolen from the much later, but still great Tupac. Enjoy."

Eight something; surprising given last night's restlessness. It had to be two, or later when I finally shut down and agreed--after some gentle coaxing from the man, that it was time to retire for the day and from the worry.

My little place of peace is looking exceptionally tidy this morning; Yael is pulling out all the stops in exchange for a much coveted piece of Vampire Diaries replica jewelry. She's been so helpful since my surgery that it sorta makes up for the pubescent insanity that we've been struggling with since the separation.

I feel refreshed and ready for something fabulous today...or maybe I'm just ready for someone fabulous; Michael plans to visit soon. We're returning to center for a restorative breath after a few tender weeks. The distance has its advantages logistically as we're both adapting to major life changes, but there's no logic in love or the 2484.97 miles between us. We're pining.

My container garden is a great source of pride for me right now. Who could have known gardening would be so therapeutic. For so many years, I've been a notorious black thumb. I started the garden in December when Jordan moved out. I needed a distraction, and of course, something to nurture. Since then, I've taken on spider mites (and lost), aphids (and won), germinatin', propagatin', and harvesting. I'm sort of a big deal on the balcony. Laughs.

Coffee's tepid, gotta go.

Peace and Sunshine

Happy Returns

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 15:56:00 +0000

Early last week , I partook in a casual, neighborly chat which later manifested itself into an inspirational message. And, not just any inspirational message, but the push, the gentle nudge and the writing help I believe I needed.

During my morning walk, I came upon my neighbor Joe, a lanky older gentleman with a warm smile, an awkward gait and a plethora of knowledge about the goings-on in our complex. (More on the complexities of complex-dwelling for an introvert in posts to come.) As we made our way and routine niceties were out of the way, Joe cleared his throat and sort of randomly says, "Uh...yeah, I made it to church this Sunday." I smiled- in kind, at the sharing of information, in awkward embarrassment because I am not among the faith-filled, and lastly, in fear that the friendly talks that I've become quite fond of might somehow be thwarted if I don't play this right. (It should be known that I die inside a little each time socio politics, religion, race and education are presented for discussion.)

"Oh, did you, I say. How did it go? Excitedly, he tells me, "wonderfully, it was truly awesome". He said he was "moved" by the message and it really made him "feel great". Before I could vocalize my shared happiness at his experience, his tone and demeanor changed, just above a whisper, he leans in and says, "It's been two and a half years since I've been to church." He then winces, retreats, and I- lost for a moment turned slightly over my shoulder before realizing he was awaiting some sort of ...well, I dunno denouncement, admonishment, a verbal flogging? From me? Laughs. "I see", I say whilst nodding with my brows raised in intrigue.

Looking ahead, I mentally compute our speed of travel- which is nil, and the distance home, and proceed cautiously with, "Well, why not?" After a brief back-story about logistics and his own travails with the evil that is Divorce-asaurus Rex, he says "I just got away from it, and then it got to be so long to where I just got to feeling so bad about it that I thought I couldn't go back." I nodded, with the sides of my mouth down-turned, I find ASL has made my facial expressions more pronounced. As I catch myself doing this in lieu of speaking, I-a little past the cue, offer up a validating statement. "I see", I said, in a flat tone. I did see, and with much clarity.

Writing, and of course reading others' writing, is how I receive my message; it's how I make sense of the thoughts and feelings, the experiences, worries and fears that fill the space between my ears. Like my neighbor Joe, I suffered a few setbacks on the road I'd paved with good intentions and drifted woefully away from my place of peace. I too, felt as though I couldn't come back. I've maintained this blog since 2007, and through the years I have made incredible friendships, coming back has been hard, but staying away was harder. Two and a half years, four months...who's counting?

Peace and happy returns

The changing of my voice

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 14:46:00 +0000

"Soul Sister" earrings by Mary Jane Dodd

I've pretty much been in isolation since the collapse of my marriage. It hasn't been a stagnate isolation however, as I've progressed quite a bit throughout the months. I'd say at this point, as I'm settling into my NEW! apartment, it isn't as much isolation as it is rehabilitation. I pulled back when things got noisy, I'm an HSP, so it doesn't take much for well-intended advice and concern to cross over into agitating cacophony.

I have however, kept a little fairy door open and managed to make and keep some very special attachments on my journey to wellness and becoming whole again. The earrings in the photo above were sent to me by a fellow artist and dear, dear friend to remind me that I am "never alone". There are also, my other soul sisters and brethren who keep a song playing in my heart when I'm deaf with despair. Thank you, all.

And then, there is my partner of whom I can not say enough wonderful things, so I won't. What I will say is that for every seemingly hopeless thing I express, I am being replenished. I am being restored and the Universe has rewarded me in kind. I don't do saints, gods and demons, but I do love, and love is being done unto me.

Everyday is not a bad day, and while the intensity of this experience is discomforting, revolutions are seldom peaceful. If pressed to find the good in the worst days, I'd say it was nightfall and the knowledge that I've almost made it through.

The timing and my decision to go public with all that has transpired over the course of this year is largely in part to the discovery of a strength I never knew possible, much less a strength that I possessed. In the past I've shared recipes and movie reviews, and quips about the perils of parenting pubescent children. I thought it only fair to share the stories which lead to the changing of my voice.

Peace and thanks

Another day, another year

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 15:12:00 +0000

When I wrote this post just a few years ago, this post was a hard blink. Y'know the the blink? You do it when you hear of someone else's misfortune; a blink hard enough to will yourself invisible with hopes a similar fate doesn't befall you. These blinks can sometimes be accompanied by brisk shaking of the head to clear your mental slate of the tragic thought.

November 14, 1988 was the day it all began for Joe and I, it was the official start of our courtship. These days however, it rivals for attention on the calendar between dates like the day he moved out, the day I found out about her, his days with the children and ultimately, our day in court.

I shed a few tears of frustration moments past midnight as the "am" light on my iPod dock turned red, the date changed and I realized that today was another one of the things I forgot to grieve. There are just so many of them, those entanglements of together that I must sort through to re-establish healthy ties in a life apart. I'm ambling through a minefield of memories that woefully still have enough force to burst right through the sunshine of days' new.

"Another day, another year", I tell myself. Time is a great healer.

Peace and time

Saturday morning

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 16:52:00 +0000

It is Saturday morning, yes? I never know.

This has long been one of my favorite songs; a true classic. No matter where I've been in my life, it has resonated with me. Ever since I first heard it in the restlessness and rebellion of my youth and even today as I teeter on the precipice of a revolution.

I've got what I believe to be the flu, and what I know to be a carpet that needs vacuuming and a cat box or three that need scooping. I've also got a far more riveting piece of work in my drafts folder and some checks that need writing on my desk. I'm drinking my second mug of coffee, it's poorly pressed and grinds are settling in rings at incremental stages along the innards of my mug. I sip and swirl, sip and swirl and wonder if I should just abandon it for the perfectly brewed beer that sits in the fridge.

I'm missing a partner this morning, I don't have anything particularly profound to say, and I'm not necessarily in need of a hug, but it'd be nice to have someone on the receiving end of my rhythmic keyboard rappings and rather unpleasant cough. No, I'm not lonely, but the oneness of this Saturday morning is jarring.

Peace

Now, where was I?

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:44:00 +0000

It has been some time since my last post, and in all honesty it hasn't been for lack of words to speak. So much is happening everyday on this journey that I simply lack the time, and dare I say eloquence to put it all down for posterity.

My divorce is fully underway, and by that I mean legally and the unfortunate host of fuckery that accompanies a dissolution of this magnitude. Just think,you put your very best face forward for the beginning of times but that mean old ugly one you got saved up for Neverary thirty-second becomes clear and present at the end of times. It is the absolute worst.

I try to compare it to other major life changes and the way we fickle humans conjure up all kinds of excuses and defenses, real and imagined, true and outright blasphemous, to ease and justify our transition. It is a death you see coming and really there is no handbook for fear and grief. So, while it hurts like hell and I feel most days like I must have spent the last twenty-two years in some alternate reality, at day's end, I can simply chalk it up to the horrors of (in)humanity. We really ought to be nicer to each other, go give someone a hug today, smile at a stranger. I'm telling you, your gesture might very well make their day.

The young people seem to be adjusting well, I foster much open communication about the changes they are both witnessing and experiencing. I envy their flexibility and ability to adapt, and just roll with the punches; someday, soon come.

I hope all of you are doing well. I want to once again, thank you for your continued support and readership. If you have noticed I am no longer on Facebook, as I am practicing a little "Save (Face)book". This is not an easy time for our family, and the sensitivity of the matter-unfortunately, seems to be lost on some.

This is where you'll find me go forward. Between us here, I like you all best. Do leave a brief note to let me know you were here and are well.

Peace and friendship

Tiny Deaths

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 15:44:00 +0000

Dust, wipe, polish, price, repeat...it has a rhythm to it in verse and movement. I noticed this particularly catchy cadence whilst I laid preparations to sell the contents of our family home this weekend. As I've written in the past, to everything there is a pruning season, and for our family, this is it. All weak and errant branches must be removed, for we're in the eye of the storm of transition, only the Universe knows how or where it ends.

Whilst speaking with a friend about life, love and the cyclical nature of the two, she made a comment about "tiny deaths" we all must face to grow..."like a garden". She's good at that, for shame, I kill the green stuff. Anyway, it took some time to digest this concept given my present circumstances, although, I fully understood and appreciate the analogy. But, in the still silence of my ever-raging thoughts, I couldn't see past the obvious and, everyone knows the end of a 20 year marriage is hardly a tiny death. I didn't give up trying though; journaling and walking, talking to myself and thinking, and finally it's all becoming quite clear.

With each piece I removed from our walls and tabletops, I welcomed the fleeting presence of the memory attached. I smiled often, envisioning the "shopping grimace" Joe would give as I'd pile tchatchkes into the numerous carts, bags and shopping baskets of our lengthy time together. I went from item to item, segueing from one recollection to the next: repeat, recall, repeat, recall. It then occurred to me, something's missing...something's gone...something has died. Resistance: My intrinsic urge to resist the Universe's plan for me has died a million tiny deaths. One for each attempt, both overt and covert, and in its place, acceptance has emerged, a million tiny blossoms of hope for each death.

To be continued...

Peace and more peace

On Erosion

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 17:08:00 +0000

CANCER
Aug. 06, 2011

The Grand Canyon is a perfect example of erosion, Moonchild. Many people think of erosion as a bad thing - as the wearing away and disintegration of something. But one look at the spectacular Grand Canyon, and you can see how beautiful erosion can be. You have lost something. The real you - the unique person at your core - is slowly emerging. Painful lessons over the years, and challenges that brought out your true nature had to happen for you to transform yourself. Don't regret what was lost in the process. Celebrate what was left behind.

Every so often, the Universe smiles upon me delivering just what my spirit orders, and sometimes not, and then there's always the other kind of spirits! Winks. Recently, with the dissolution of my 20 year marriage, I have been coming to grips with a heightened level of humility; I've been pruned. I've undergone- in the truest sense- a process of emotional, physical and spiritual erosion. I am by no means the person I was just eight (Wow, eight already?!) months ago.

I've toggled in my heart and mind between what it means to be free as I've struggled to keep the contents of my stomach in place whilst facing my deepest fears of loss and abandonment. I've endured pain that, if physical, surely, my mind would've shut down to spare my body's suffering. And, I've emerged raw; raw with emotion, unscathed in my ability to love and be loved. There's been an unclouding of my intuition; things are clearer today than they've ever been. I've recognized, that with "nothing" I have, and I am enough. I've become one with my core existence.

Peace and recognizance

A writer in motion...

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 18:24:00 +0000

I sat, ruminating on the future, breaking my pensive gaze from my frothy mug only to wince fleetingly as the tug of the past seven months dared to lure me away from the beauty of this moment. What a privilege and gift it is to be deeply loved, I thought, as I shook away the still very raw feelings of what the antithesis of this recognizance holds.

It's been so trying the past few months, wanting to connect with my readers, wanting to express my feelings in words, yet wanting to keep the wounds under wraps. I was in a literary stranglehold and, now realize that the only way to breathe again is to look toward the screen, tilt my head slightly to the left and type.

I recently remarked to a fellow wordsmith that I'd felt as though my creative and emotional outlets had been infiltrated by the influence of well-meaning friends and supporters. That, in their quest to help me regain focus and, "find myself", I'd in turn become more "lost", lost in their ideologies and emotions about what was happening in my life. I suppose, I still find my way best in silence and solitude.

Like this morning, whilst checking on my feral friends after a rough, stormy night in the valley. There was this little yellow leaf, stuck to my window. An isolated hint of beauty was the only evidence left of the tempest. It inspired the summation of where I am emotionally at this moment: shaken from my roots, displaced, clinging to hope, yet still filled with beauty and the capacity to make someone smile.

Where are you at this moment?

Peace and words

XXXVIII

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 22:50:00 +0000

Today marks the auspicious start of my thirty-eighth year. If I sound self-assured and confident, it's because I am. I have no resolutions, no bucket list, no promises to fulfill, but one: live it.

My worst fears were recognized as 2011 raced in, and as I struggled to make rhyme or reason of it all, my greatest mistake was recognized: I had stopped living and began the mundane practice of existing.

As my 37th year passes out with the stale summer wind, and the promise of a new year's revolution lies before me, I acknowledge where I went astray and mark that place in my journey as one I never intend to revisit. It was a place of futility and great angst, one of pain and shame and sadness, one of misgivings and mis-forgivings, one of self-deprecation and self-flagellation, versus self-preservation. I assume we've all been there before- like the undertaking of laboring in love or childbirth, it is the final chapter in our old lives which inevitably shapes the next story, a fresh page in herstory.

My fresh page begins here, just 11 days past my 3rd blogoversary, with a dissolved marriage just behind me, a debilitating emotional illness under aggressive treatment, a new love, a fresh promise and a birthday cake baked by my sweet Yael Rose. Life is indeed good. And, getting settled back into my writing chair is even better. I've missed you all, thanks for your continued readership and all of the messages of love and support during some of the more trying pages of my last chapter.

Peace, love and joy

On Pruning

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 14:36:00 +0000

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

-Khalil Gibran

It's been about 6 months since my painstaking pruning -both literally, as you can see from my blooming roses above and, figuratively within the scars left of the excised relationships I write about here.

I'm learning to accept the coming of the seasons by being deeply introspective, aligning myself with nature, her order for things, by being flexible in thought and action, and by practicing acceptance.

Though the protective thorns fill me with awkward reticence, if I am to reap the beauteous rewards of rebirth, it all begins with the pruning.

Peace and rebirth

Reclaiming My Whimsy

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Tue, 31 May 2011 15:37:00 +0000

My $8.00, "Happy" dress

I have been battling a major depressive episode since December and while I'm on a series of medications to help me better cope with the symptoms, the disease does require that I do my part in the healing process as well.

I realize my appearance plays a huge part in the cycle of mood traps depressives often find themselves battling to escape. I've been making a conscious effort to keep up with the right amount of food, sleep, exercise, sunlight, grooming, and of course, my wardrobe. NO more heather grey, I say!

I bought this whimsical little dress when my CIO visited to get me out of bed and out of the house in early Spring. I haven't worn it yet, but I have just the event in which to wear it coming up soon.

On June 10th I'll be attending the 2011 Etsy Craft Party Meetup where I'll be showcasing my wares, my NEW! dress and a smile.

Peace and healing

In the garden

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Tue, 24 May 2011 15:48:00 +0000

In the garden there are feral friends...

and, a NEW! tiny, baby feral friend.

What a pleasant surprise!

Happy Tuesday!

Peace and new beginnings

601: Let's have some fun

noreply@blogger.com (T.Allen) — Mon, 16 May 2011 16:58:00 +0000

Peace sign bracelet in brass and jute twine. See [here] for other color combinations

Today is my sixth hundred and first post, what a milestone! During my blogging hiatus it became apparent to me just how essential this social and creative outlet is for me.

I've, since 2011 began, experienced some personal tragedies and through it all my blog friends have hung in there, some of you sending messages of support, others have just joined me despite of my erratic posting schedule, and for that, I am truly grateful.

Over the past 5 months I have gone from a tragic separation to an incredible journey of self restoration, recognizance and improvement. If you are so inclined to join me, feel free to request permission to read my personal journey at 3 Dollars & Six Dimes.

Let's get on to the fun stuff! In finding my inner peace, I designed these summery fun Peace bracelets as a reminder to live peacefully and colorfully. To thank you all for your continued readership and support, I am offering a giveaway of any one (1) bracelet of your choosing to one (1) lucky winner. To enter, all you have to do is leave a comment telling me one way you live a peaceful, colorful life! The winner will be chosen at random, by Yael Rose, my very own random name selector!

Peace and gratitude