Team Amy

Surgery Update

2012-01-27T15:08:00.000-08:00

Hey folks, this is Monika.

Amy is out of surgery. Report from mom is that doctors said everything went really well and they're hanging out in recovery now. She'll be sleeping at home tonight and will probably update you guys herself in the next couple of days when she has some energy.

From me, thanks so much to everyone who has offered so much love and support. In six weeks Amy will be able to start going back to all of her normal activities again, with more natural boobs, and knowing all this is behind her. On to better things :)

New Year, New Boobs

2012-01-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

Hi Team,

As I prepare myself for another surgery, I am reminded that although it feels like I've started a new chapter in my life, the chapter I've written about in this blog is still very much a part of me. 'Another Surgery?' you ask, Yes, let me explain.

Back in Sept. 2010, after I had just finished chemo, I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. Reconstruction after a mastectomy is very different than just getting a normal boob job. With normal breast augmentation, they will put the implant under the breast tissue, lifting it up and making it bigger. With a mastectomy, there is no more breast tissue, and it is too exposed to just put the implant underneath your skin. So, they put the implant under your pectoral muscle. They can't usually put a full breast-sized implant under the pectoral muscle because there isn't room for it. So, they put a temporary tissue expander in which they fill with a little more saline over the months, stretching out the muscle until you look like you have a regular-sized boob. Think about those 'pump it up' reebok shoes in the 80s. This 'boob' though, is made out of an industrial grade plastic that has a hard port (where they inject more saline). It may look normal with clothes on, but if you feel it or look at it underneath, it doesn't budge or feel a bit like a boob. So there is another surgery after you are all done with the expansion, where they open up your original incisions and take out the temporary tissue expanders, replacing them with more realistic boob-like implants.

That's the summary, and I'm having it done this upcoming Friday. I'll be under general anesthesia and the surgery is supposed to be 3-4 hours long, but no overnight stay in the hospital. I'm not supposed to do anything that will get me sweaty or extend my upper body for 6 weeks afterward.

I am kind of nervous about this surgery. Not because I'm afraid of the pain or waking up, recovery, etc. But because I have to say that emotionally, getting over the challenge of being bald, being dumped, getting boobs cut off and having to get them slowly rebuilt over time was really challenging, and thinking about going back for another surgery brings me back to that time pretty clearly. I was an emotional, hormonal ball of wreckage at the time, but that was a long time ago now. It's odd because anyone that I have just met that I tell I went through cancer treatment usually immediately thinks that I am a strong confident woman and since I kicked cancer's butt, I probably have this sense of full self-confidence. I wish I felt that way, and sometimes I do, but I feel like that is something that comes much more gradually over time. The process of getting used to my new body, dating and talking to people about what I've been through and how my body is different, is nerve wrecking at first. For a long time I was much more sensitive to people's reactions because I wasn't yet confident in my own skin. Especially when going on dates, there really is no good point in conversation with a new person to bring up, 'oh yeah, I had cancer, got my boobs cut off, don't have nipples now, but you know, I survived.' Maybe it's just in my mind, but I feel like that experience is intimidating to most people my age, they can't relate to it, and it immediately may have the reaction of admiration, but also creates distance.

Anyway, dating aside, I have finally gotten to the point where I don't feel as self conscious about my body, I don't feel like I'm hiding anything anymore. I've started to get more comfortable in my (new) skin, and have the attitude that 'this is me', take it or leave it. And now I'm going to make another change, restart the adjustment and getting used to it all.

A good friend of mine made a great point though, that this is not like last time. I have all the experiences I've gone through since then, the surgery isn't as invasive and I've rebuilt a new and happy life since then. I know it will be fine and it's not the same, but it still brings me back to a time that was really not so happy, and makes me nervous about what will be the outcome. You never know - as my surgeon explained to me last Wednesday, the risk is ~ if there is any bacteria on the implant when they put it in, if it gets infected they have to take it out entirely for at least 6 months (meaning no reconstruction whatsoever) and then possibly restart. It's not a likely situation, but it's possible. I try not to think about that since there are always the 'what ifs' but I also try not to get any expectations of what I will look like in my head until after it's been successful.

So anyway, this post is getting a bit long so I'll leave you with that. I'll make sure to update everyone and post more later about life and the new year (which incidentally are going great).

Love,
Amy

Bacon = Mindfulness

2011-09-22T00:14:00.000-07:00

Hi Team,

Many of you have asked me about the Mindfulness class I'm starting to take, so I decided to write a post (or maybe a few as this progresses) about how this is going, and what exactly it is from my perspective.

I really like the description on their website - "Through lectures, exercises and group discussions participants learn how habitual reactions to stress create anxiety, depression, fear, anger and possibly illness. Students learn how to change their reactions by bringing awareness to the arising mental thoughts or emotional feelings in a non-judgmental way."

Keep in mind this is my journey through learning about this and in no way am I an expert on anything I write in here, blah blah blah disclaimer. Ok. So as I understand it, mindfulness is the practice of clearing away all the clutter in your brain, that constant stream of consciousness and chatter that goes on. This tendency is in everyone, and is part of our natural human-ness so there is not the goal of making it go away, but rather the practice of recognizing it, acknowledging it, and choosing to be aware of your present moment. The goal specifically having to do with trauma (physical, mental, emotional) is not to make the pain go away, but rather to allow us to sit with it in a non-judgemental way, and approach thoughts as just that - thoughts. Every time something enters your mind such as "this sucks" or "I'm bored" or "I'm in so much pain I can't stand it" or "My life is never going to be the same", you recognize it, consider it a thought, and let it pass. Then you approach the next moment as a new beginning.

My first thought on this practice is that it sounds great in theory, but I am doubtful that I have enough self control to recognize these judgements in the moment. Sure when I'm sitting on the floor in a quiet room and someone is telling me to be aware of the present moment, it's quite easy. When I'm rushing around my daily life, realistically, I don't see myself being that self-aware. So that's a thought, and something to consider, but I let it pass and then just sit in my present moment and appreciate right now. See how that works? :-D

What I really liked about this particular teacher and look forward to in this class is that she is going to take us through a number of different meditation techniques and teach us different ways to practice. She says everyone is different and different things will stick depending on what works for you. What I especially like is that she talked about recognizing that sitting on the floor meditating for 30-45 mins a day is not realistic for most people. The mindfulness she teaches is a practice that can be done in any moment that you are able to bring yourself into the present and be aware. For example, one woman in a past class dedicated the moment that she came home from work to give her child a hug as her mindful moment. Another person had to commute across the golden gate bridge and really enjoyed that part of her drive, and dedicated that time while she was driving across the golden gate bridge as her mindful moment out of her day. A moment to just be there, fully take in your environment and be still. The hope is that over time and with trying different things, each of us will find something that works for us, to bring a mindfulness practice into our lives.

Our homework for this past week was about mindful eating. We did an exercise in class where we ate a raisin. Something most of us have eaten so many times, yet we usually pop it in (maybe a handful?), chew a few times and swallow. We practiced actually looking at the raisin, noticing the color, shape, ridges, texture. Putting it in your mouth and really feeling the body's reaction to it - how does it taste? Does it taste different on one side than the other? Chew it slowly and see how the taste and the texture change. Do you tend to chew more on one side than the other? What happens as you keep chewing it without swallowing as we usually do so quickly? The homework was to have just one mindful bite each day. We all eat, at least a meal or two (or in my case sometimes many more) every day. One bite. Notice it, take it slow and just pay attention to it. I made my first bite bacon. It was salty, crispy, fatty and delicious. Makes me salivate and melts in my mouth. I had the thought that I really should not be eating bacon, and then I let that pass as a judgement. It was great.

That's all for now - I look forward to any of your thoughts on this journey! I'm hoping that once I learn to clear away the clutter in my mind (of course, done once and for all just like doing dishes), I can spread that more into clearing clutter from my apartment too. We'll see how that goes. It's the journey of a lifetime I suppose.

Love,
Amy

Just Another Day

2011-09-14T23:54:00.000-07:00

Hi Team,

So tomorrow is really just another day. But it's also a year to the day since my double mastectomy and, while we are marking milestones, 5 years to the day since I got engaged (and then broke it off 9 mos later). I'm kind of thinking I might want to call in sick tomorrow and just stay in bed to make sure nothing exciting happens.

I've been noticing on a regular basis lately how much I love my life. I figure one of the benefits of having gone through really tough times is being able to truly appreciate the really good times and I'm definitely doing that. It's amazing what a difference a year can make. I do work a lot, but I also have a lot of fun. I spend time with people I love and I smile a lot. As much as possible.

I have been venturing lately into the world of dating again. I figure it's been over a year since my last relationship ended so I should probably at least put myself out there again. And to my surprise, it's been fun and interesting. I've mostly so far been doing a field test with online dating, I signed up for both ok cupid and eharmony just to juxtopose and compare the two. I've been on a few dates but overall I've made the following observations: 1. No matter how many I have, first dates will always make me nervous 2. There are more fishes in the sea than I originally thought, but you can't judge a fish by it's online dating profile 3. There is no right time to tell a guy you are getting to know that you had cancer. This is an interesting one. I have yet to be... let's say, "intimate" with a guy that wasn't with me before my surgery. At what point do you break into the conversation and say... "Oh Yeah, I've been to the hospital too, I had cancer and got my boobs cut off. Oh yeah, these? They're fake, yeah I don't have nipples anymore, just scars. I know! You can't tell from the outside". No! It's just not something that people can relate to at my age.

I realize it's probably all in my head and as soon as I stop making it a big deal, it will stop being this awkward thing I can't talk about with guys I am attracted to... but yeah I certainly haven't figured that one out. I guess that's why I need practice!

On the bright side, tomorrow I am starting a Mindfulness course. In the brief couple of months that I was actually seeing a therapist last year, she introduced me to the concept of Mindfulness. This is the practice of being present in your current moment and aware in your being, just observing with an open mind and soft heart. It's a lot more difficult than we might think. So often we get caught up in the incessant chatter of our stream of consciousness and don't stop to just be. It takes practice. So, for the next 8 weeks every Thursday night from 7-9pm I will be practicing. Wish me luck!

Just for comparison sake and a reminder what a difference a year can make (if I didn't know I might not guess I was the same person... or am I... ):

Last Year - Aug. 2010

This Year - Aug. 2011

Love,
Amy

Port-less!

2011-07-30T23:47:00.000-07:00

Hi Team,

I felt a bit melodramatic after posting that last post, as it actually is a fairly routine procedure, and everything went just fine. Although I have to say, it didn't hurt that I took a few valium.

So I went into the Dr.'s office and they cleaned the area and gave me a few local anesthesia shots in my chest near my port (you know, like when you get a filling in your tooth) and then chiseled away at it for a while - 2 hours exactly, to get it out. She said my body had quite taken a liking to the thing, since normally it only takes a half hour to take out - and normally only one incision but she had to make two, one where the port was and one near my jugular vein to pull it out of the vein. But all in all, not bad. I got to hear all about my surgeon's recent trip to the south of France and her restaurant recommendations for my upcoming trip to Chicago. Overall quite a nice chat, although I would have preferred that we do it over a glass of wine than with me on an operating table.

I did, on the suggestion of one of my friends, ask if I could take it home. She said no, they have to send it back somewhere since it's a medical device. I told her, I wanted to used it as a paperweight. To which she said, it's not really heavy enough for that. I told her I don't really use that much paper, working at an internet company. She said, it would probably be better to make a bracelet out of it. What a great suggestion! Anyway, I didn't get it - but I did get a picture of it! This is the actual port that was in my body, giving me all that chemo and herceptin treatments. Whew. So, I am now port-less. Yay!

Love,

Amy

Another Milestone

2011-07-28T23:48:00.000-07:00

Hi Team,

I was going to try to just fly on by, but my introspective nature has once again stopped me in my tracks. I get my port out tomorrow! A few fun flashbacks for you. I remember when my oncologist told me I'd be starting chemotherapy and I might want to consider a port. I thought to myself (internally) 'that's not necessary.' My chemo is going to be quick and I will be done before I know it. Fast forward an f-ing week to me checked into the kaiser hospital taking half a liter of blood every 12 hours and stabbing me in every possible corner trying to find a good vein. I felt like a pin cushion! I was so happy to get discharged and once my white blood cells were high enough my first order of business was to get a port.

Going in to get a port was the first time I'd been checked in to an actual hospital. The nurse put an IV in me, then Dr. Fisch asked me to sign a form that said I had "informed consent" about this surgery - although he proceeded to inform me that he didn't really believe in informed consent. To which I didn't ask any further questions because I wasn't sure I wanted to know. This in retrospect was the first bad sign. Then the nurse proceeded to ask me if I have an advance directive. Ie. A legal document that tells people what to do with you if you either become a vegetable or die. Let me tell you, if you DON'T have an advance directive, or like me, didn't have any clue what that was, it is not reassuring to be asked that 2 minutes before they put some serious drugs in you and start cutting. That said, they drugged me up with a great drung called versed which is supposed to be an anti-anxiety and amnesia-enducing drug. Unfortunately, I remember. As the dr. first cut into me, I could feel it, and I cried. And I remember the nurses gathering around and giving me another few doses of versed, probably enough to sedate a grizzly bear, and me dozing off into a weird state of semi-consciousness. I woke up as I was getting moved off the operating table, and told them, Thank you for fixing that - that was really bad at first but you did a good job. They said, I'm glad you remember it that way.

Fast forward to about a month ago in Dr. Langer's office, my surgeon, I was there for a check up and she says - now that you're done with all your IV treatment, you can get your port out. Just schedule a regular appointment in my office and I'll take it out. Now, please note that a port is a small peice of metal and silicone in my chest with a tube going into my jugular vein for administering IV medication.

I said to Dr. Langer. "Ok, uhm, just in your office? I don't need to go to the hospital?" She says - no, it will be fine we'll just do it here. To which I say, ok here is what I'm envisioning, you tell me what you think. Dr. cuts open my chest and pulls my port out of my jugular vein and my neck goes spurting blood all over the doctor's office, Kill Bill style. She said, don't worry - that's not going to happen. Your body will clot it, and plus, you've been through far worse. Famous not-encouraging words. Although I guess I appreciate the effort.

Anyway, tomorrow is another milestone. I'm excited and scared. It's amazing to me that even after everything I've been through, I am still scared of something relatively little like this - and that I somehow think I am just going to take a bus there, 2 valium to get through, and a cab home. Thank God for my friends that call me out on my bullshit and make me ask for support. You would think by now it would come more naturally! Either way, its exciting stuff because it's one more step to putting all this behind me.

Love,
Amy

Fun and Morbidity

2011-07-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

Hi Team -

I did like the idea of just ending this chapter of my life and 'riding off into the sunset' with my happy ending, but let's be honest. You can't just decide a chapter is done and that's it. There's so much more to tell! So I decided to keep sharing.

For the last few months I've been throwing myself into my new job, working hard and playing hard. I love my new team and my new company (and I'm not just saying that because they might read this) although I do miss the people I used to work with, it has really done wonders for my mind to be in this new job. I actually thought last year that maybe chemo had just killed a bunch of brain cells and I just didn't have the capacity to be as sharp as I was before... this new job has forced me to wake up, pay attention and learn something new. And, I'm doing it! It feels great to have a mental accomplishment when I felt so dried up mentally for so long. It still takes me longer to think of people's names and brain farts come more often than they used to, but maybe I can just blame that on getting older.

Back in October 2010, the month after my bilateral mastectomy, after my ex-boyfriend had just broken up with me, and I was still bald and feeling not very feminine or happy, I decided to book myself a trip to Costa Rica to have something to look forward to. Well, in May, I went - to Costa Rica and Panama. My mom went with me to Panama and 3 of my closest friends went with me to Costa Rica.

Some highlights:
- 'Alitos de Bufalo' on a restaurant menu is not some fancy buffalo dish, but rather buffalo wings (ie. chicken)
- When teaching a first time surfer (me) how to stand up on a surf board, the high-pressure "GO! NOW!, Don't Wait When I say GO" does not actually work

- Apparently Panama has the world's best coffee, I did not hear about this growing up in Kona (also the world's best coffee)

- Marriage ritual for Kuna Indians: The man goes running off hiding in the town and his friends find him and drag him kicking and screaming into the woman's house where they have the marriage ceremony and he then assimilates into her family. How realistic of them.

- Crabs are only cute when there are only a few of them on the porch, not hundreds covering the street when you are trying to walk home

Another experience on my recent trip made me very aware of a new world view I seem to be developing in a strong way. It's slightly morbid, but in my opinion, realistic. It doesn't depress me, but rather motivates me! Mom and I were flying from Panama City to the San Blas Archeapelago and we got on a plane that had 8 seats at the most - Mom says "We all get window seats!" It was a little plane and a bumpy ride, and I thought to myself, 'hmmm I wonder if this is how I die.' Not in the scared way of 'ohmygod I'm going to die' but more like, well, I'm going to die at some point - it wasn't in 2010 from breast cancer, I wonder if it's in 2011 from a plane crash. Well, it wasn't (so far). I guess it's more the discovery of the concept that it is inevitable and could be at any time - we envision growing old with our families and eventually dying in a hospital bed with your children, grandchildren, etc all there holding your hand. I don't think that's how it goes for most people. My uncle died suddenly while scuba diving. My best friend in college died suddenly in a car accident. My great grandmother lived to be 102 (I think, I kind of lost track at one point) - A different uncle was telling me recently that his daughter is turning 30 and freaking out about it. My immediate response, just popped out of my mouth before I could sensor it (although I don't think I would have anyway), was "She should be glad she made it that far."

Anyway, my point is, you never know, but that can be a positive motivating thing. I now get in my car and think almost every time, I am more likely to die in a car accident than of breast cancer. It's oddly empowering to me to be able to think these things and not be afraid of them. It allows me, for example, to not feel bad for opening a good bottle of wine just to have a glass by myself with dinner. Or push myself until I feel like throwing up at my spin class - because why not. Knowing that a beach is the #4 most shark infested beach in the world (Beach at Bolinas, thank you Dave for the jeapordy fact), does not make me want to get out of the water. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not reckless. I went through chemo and fought for my life, I didn't do all that for nothing - I do highly value my time, but I am also weirdly/acutely aware that this time is limited. I hope I keep that sense for a very long time. I enjoy it.

Love,

Amy

Choose your own adventure: Ride off into the sunset or turn back to fight the dragon?

2011-04-01T21:25:00.001-07:00

Hi Team,

A year ago today, I walked into the radiologist's office at Kaiser to get an ultrasound on a lump I had felt in my breast. I ended up first getting an ultrasound, then getting an uncomfortable twisty-face look (which I now recognize as the you've got cancer look) and a core needle biopsy all in the same appointment. I had walked in thinking I probably had some little cyst from changing my birth control. I very clearly remember after the ultrasound, weird look, and biopsy, then getting my first mammogram and being sat down in the radiologists office as she explained to me what she saw on my mammogram.

She said, I can't tell you for sure until I get the results of the biopsy back. But, based on my experience, all these little white dots we see around your lump area are called micro-calcifications and they are a telltale sign of something really bad. She wouldn't use the C word with me. So I said it, 'so you think it's cancer?' she said - well, yes based on my experience, I would guess that's highly likely. What we see here are the signs of cancer cells dying off. I don't have a for sure answer for you, but it's most likely the case and I want you to prepare yourself for that news.

I walked out of the office stunned and still believing she was wrong. I took a deep breath and repeated the words I had just heard, even though they hadn't really processed for myself yet, to my friend Monika, then to my Mom, then to my (now ex) boyfriend. I was numb.

It was not until the next morning, 4/2/2010, as I was in the SFO airport around 11am with a bloody mary and chicken sandwich, on my way to a weekend in Vegas with the (now ex) boyfriend for our 3 year anniversary, that I got the call. I remember trying to furiously take notes as she said words that sounded like a foreign language to me, but certainly were not good. She said, you've got cancer and not just in one spot, but it's invasive, meaning it's spread from it's original place. You'll have to come in for more scans over the next week so we can determine how far it's spread and what your next course of action will be. You will definitely have to do some sort of surgery. You will probably have to do chemotherapy. And you may also have to do radiation.

After I got off the phone, I just sat there. I pushed my sandwich away and pulled my bloody mary close to me, putting the the straw in my mouth, and downed it in between sobs. I let tears stream down my face right in the airport restaurant. I was totally oblivious to the outside world and felt scared and alone. I called my mom and boyfriend again and choked out the words again, and asked them to start telling people so I didn't have to tell everyone myself.

I left the restaurant and sat down with my computer and started typing out all my thoughts. I started two different files, entitled "My Fears" and "My questions" - the questions mostly were medical in nature and answered with a lot of research and asking questions to the doctors. The fears are a lot more complex. They mostly all came true. I had to tell everyone, I had to do chemo, I had to take time off work, I had to figure out a way to make it all work financially, my boyfriend did end up leaving me at the time I most needed him. There were a few that didn't come true, but in that one instant in time, I was terrified of it all, and for good reason. I still am terrified for that girl sitting in the SFO gate area, not knowing what comes next. Blissful ignorance swept out from under me like a dirty rug.

Over the last year, I've learned a lot about breast cancer, learned a lot about friendships and relationships. I've built an incredibly strong bond with my family and friends, and had some really fun evenings just sitting and talking, even though I felt shitty, those memories are incredibly close to my heart. I've done chemo, gotten past my fear of needles and blood, got my boobs cut off and gotten new ones. I've lost all my hair, but had it grow back, and lost a relationship, but gained an incredible new career and job. Karma is finally repaying a few of the debts from the past year, and I have an exciting fresh start. For a long time I found it hard to genuinely smile, and sometimes I still do. When you are constantly thinking about really hard stuff, and really tragic decisions, and it faces you in the mirror every day, it becomes really hard to joke around and be whimsical. Finally I have started having days that are only few and far between where I have to think about my survival or feeling or looking really shitty. I have started laughing again in a genuine way. It didn't feel natural at first, and maybe only over the last week or so has it started coming back more easily. But it's there, and knowing that is the first step in my having faith that it can become the norm again.

I'm going to end my story while we're on a happy ending. Because I like happy endings. And I know life has a way of cycling through extreme happiness and extreme sadness. And they both come back around. That may sound kind of morbid, but it depends on what kind of a person you are. As I look at the glass half full, I see it as realistic. Yes shitty stuff happens, and you know it will, and you have to face it head on and deal with it. But you also know that when it does happen, that means you're that much closer to the good stuff happening again. And while you're in the middle of the good stuff, just make sure you appreciate it, make sure the people you love know it, and be kind to other human beings because you don't know where they are in their cycle.

Love,

Amy

A Turn for the Better (Finally!)

2011-03-22T09:27:00.001-07:00

Hi Team,

I didn't intend to keep this blog going forever, as it's a chapter in my life that I hope to close sooner rather than later. That said, I've had some fun and positive developments in my life lately, and as I come closer to a year since my breast cancer diagnosis, I'm hoping to end this on a more positive note.

So, my expansion is done, I have new boobs! Well, so the entire process is not completely done, I will still have to have another surgery at some point in the future to switch out my temporary implants for more permenant, softer/more realistic ones. It's so weird, they look great (in my humble opinion), and you would never know that they aren't real just from looking, but the minute you touch them, they are solid as a rock and immoveable. That will change with the final implants though. Granted I still no longer have nipples or any sensation of touch over most of my chest, but at least I can pretend most of the time and nobody will know the difference!

In other news, you may remember me mentioning that about 70% of women who go through the chemotheraphy that I went through go through menopause, it kills the ovaries, and you're done with the baby-making. Not that I want to have children now, but I definitely wanted the option to choose... well, a few weeks ago... I started a period! I went through all the menopause symptoms and hadn't had a period for over a year, but this is a really good sign that things are starting to work in there again, the body is normalizing. Now, I don't want to be overly confident, this does not mean that for sure I'm in the clear, but it's a really good sign toward the positive.

Another fun development that I never would have guessed would come my way this year is that I got a new job working for Google! I will be an account manager for Adwords, thier search advertising team, working in Media and Entertainment, calling on Video Game publishing companies. A lot of people have been really surprised at my willingness to make a move so quickly away from Walmart where I actually did have a great gig as a buyer, but Google is probably one of only about 2-3 companies that could have lured me away. And everything happened as if it was just meant to be. Last year my friend who works there forwarded me a job rec that involved travel (travel is one of my biggest passions in life) and I thought, sure! And forwarded her my resume. I didn't hear anything back, and I didn't really think much of it until I got a call from a recruiter in late December, saying they had a great opportunity for me if I was interested. There is a lot of really good press talking about what a great company Google is to work for, so I decided to explore my opportunities, be open to a new direction in life. Or at least see what all the hype is about :) I went down to Mountain View for an afternoon to interview, and I felt right at home. The people were fun and nice, the environment seemed to be productive and comfortable, with lots of nice amentities. I clicked really well with the team, and a few weeks later I had an offer! Everything just seemed to click and line up perfectly, so I decided it was time for a positive change in my life. There are so many times in life where you are handed a really shitty situation and you have to make the best of it, that when you are handed a really awesome situation, sometimes it's hard to recognize or make sense of it right away. I feel like that's what happened here, obviously not without a little work on my part, but it all happened just the way it was supposed to, so I decided it is the right path for me to start new.

If you need any convincing as to the awesomeness of working for Google, here are a few articles for your perusal:

Fortune 100 Best Companies to Work For (Google #4 for 2011)
The Overview of Working at Google

So anyway, as you can tell I'm excited, and happy for a really positive change in my life. I'm excited to be in an environment where ideas and excitement are encouraged and enabled to become reality. Although I can't quite see around the corner yet, I have a feeling this is going to open up some really exciting possibilities for what the future holds.

Soon, I'll be having my 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis, so look for another post about my year in retrospect. I'm thinking that will be a good time to close this book and hopefully move on to a more fun and happy 2011 and beyond.

Love,
Amy

New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-11T22:15:00.000-08:00

Hi Team,

Long time no talk. I came back last week from a wonderful, restorative 2 and a half weeks in Kona at home. Amazing what the slow pace, sun and family do to restore my sense of me and feeling comfortable in my body again. It's interesting but I've found that it's easier to bring my mind back into my body at home.

Basically to recap, I went to the beach every day, had lots of fun hanging out with family and caught up with some long lost friends. I read a lot, and practiced meditating - it's a work in progress. Progress helped by the book my therapist recommended to me - Full Catastrophe Living (by John Kabat-Zinn). I am practicing making my mind still, bringing myself back into my present moment and not focusing so much on reliving my past, or worrying about my hypothetical future, but just being in my current moment. It's surprisingly hard.

My birthday came and went with some celebration, but mostly on my part, with happiness that it's over. I realize it's just the next day in a series of days, but it feels to me like a chapter (which I was looking forward to the end of) is over. It's still not easy, but every day I get further away from my diagnosis, further from the freshness of the memory of what it's like to be going through chemo, further from the realization that I was getting my boobs cut off, and further from that feeling of not recognizing myself. Every day I get more aquainted with my new self, what I look like now, even though still a work in progress. I don't look so sick to myself when I look in the mirror, and it's easier to smile genuinely. There was a point in time when I remembered who I was before I went through chemo.

It's hard to remember that I had a life, was happy and knew myself and what I stood for. I got so distracted with doing what I needed to do to save my life, that once I didn't have to do it anymore, I didn't know what to do with myself. Like a deer in headlights, still frozen in the middle of the road, not knowing what to do next. In my journal on my way home to Hawaii I decided to start chronicling my year, to put it down on paper and start letting go of it. I started to write about my diagnosis in April and realized, wait, that is not the beginning of the year. So I went back to Jan/Feb and realized what an amazing year I had also. I got to travel to 3 new countries, experience new cultures and do some really amazing things. Then I got to thinking about who I was then - what were the things that I stood for and held true to myself. I was self-confident and happy, loved myself and held my rule of #1 treating others with compassion and acceptance and #2 to leave no rock unturned, life is short, so live it. I knew that even before I was diagnosed, and I wasn't afraid to go out and do it. My cancer diagnosis made me more afraid. I know none of us are going to get out of here alive, but my self-confidence must have been stored in my breasts or went out along with my white blood cells during chemo. But - the great thing is, I am still that person. I just forgot about it in my all-consuming fight for my life. I actually really like who I am and how I approach life. I forgot about all that when I didn't have the chance to think about it.

So, to get to the subject of my post - my new year's resolution. Is to be me. Exactly who I am today, in this moment. It's mostly the same person I have been, with a few improvements, and a slightly altered world view, but still not taking life for granted, and treating as many people as I can with love and acceptance.

Also - an updated picture so you all can see my progress on the hair-growing front - slowly but surely it comes back!

Happy New Year!

Amy

Slowly but Surely

2010-12-07T22:29:00.000-08:00

Hi Team,

I don't think I realized coming out of chemo and surgery how hard it would be to transition into a "normal" life again. To get up, go to work, care about things other than my health, and start to get used to my new body and world-view. It's not physically hard - I have started going back to the gym, even hired a trainer to help get me back in shape - and am finally getting my energy levels back. I went to a spin class this week and for the first time since last year, got a good hard hour of intense cardio where I was dripping sweat and it felt fantastic. Being back in life is really emotionally exhausting and hard.

I always look at my life in calendar years since my birthday is on New Years Eve - the calendar year of 2010 is the year I was 28. During New Year's last year, my ex-boyfriend's family had a big new years and birthday-party in Mexico with us and if you had asked me then what I'd be doing this year I would have told you two things: Going on my trip to Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand, then maybe moving down to Southern California to be with Anthony and start our life together. That was my plan, although I know it probably would have taken a while. I feel like everything I knew and thought, any sense of control over my life, got pulled out from under me. I went on my (amazing!) trip to SE Asia, but when I got back, I was thrown into a whirlwind of the shock of diagnosis and survival mode. Apparently I am great at performing under pressure - I survived and managed to make pretty good decisions through my treatment, with a lot of good help and support. But now things in my life are quiet again, and I feel like I'm standing on a battlefield with the ruins of my plans and life strewn around me, I'm still alive, but my relationship, my body, my plan for what to do next, was blown to shreds by my fight with cancer. I don't have to fight anymore, but it feels just as chatoic and totally out of my control.

I am not in the before cancer stage of my life, but I'm not in my after cancer stage either. I don't really know what my exact role at work is going to end up being (but thank God for having a job and health insurance), my wonderful stable relationship was apparently not as stable as I thought and is now gone, I am trying to get used to my new body but even that is still a work in progress (reconstruction still in progress) and I still haven't gotten my period back, so who knows if I'll ever be able to have kids or not - just so much still unknown.

I feel like I'm standing here on the battlefield, quiet and peaceful now looking at all the ruins and totally lost as to what to do next. And I have this looming feeling thinking about what I want to accomplish when I turn 29 - calender year of 2011 - I have a hard time even thinking about it. First, it seems like way too much work to pick up all the peices and start fresh. I don't have that much emotional energy. I'm tired. And, when I try to get up some energy to plan something or think about what I want to do, I have this ever-looming sensation of "YOU NEVER KNOW." Hard to think about what to do next when you have a sense of total lack of control over your life.

So anyway, I've been spending a lot of time at the gym lately, mostly because I know what to do there, I have a little bit of control over my life and body when I'm exercising, and it helps me feel positive. I'm also looking forward to a wonderful 2 and a half weeks home in Kona for Christmas. This will be the first time in a long time to be home and see my parents and one of us is not sick. In the last two years we've had my dad's trip to the emergency room to get a stint put in the artery leading to his heart (SF 2008), then his lung cancer diagnosis (laster in Kona 2008), his surgery and chemo (Nov '08-Mar '09), then my diagnosis in April of '10... visits with the family over the last years have been hard and traumatic. I'm really looking forward to a trip home that is easier and happy/more peaceful (but you never know).

I hope everyone's holiday season is happy and peaceful. More updates soon.

Love,
Amy

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T21:24:00.000-08:00

Hi Team,

I've started thinking about Thanksgiving already and usually when I think Thanksgiving, I think turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and lots of pie. Oh and football, and feeling so tired I go to bed at 8pm. But this year I feel compelled to take a minute out of my crazy life and not think about food or how many video games we're going to sell at work for a minute and actually be thankful.

I have a hard time putting into words what I am thankful for because it seems so trite and insignificant compared to how intensely I feel. I guess it can be summed up though. I am so grateful to be alive, to have people in my life who love and support me (yes that's you), be able to worry about insignificant stuff at work (ie. worrying about how many video games we're going to sell rather than worrying about whether I should cut off both boobs or just the cancerous one), and not have to struggle every day to get by. I wake up in the morning now and I am not in pain, I have a bed to sleep in, a job to make a living, a pretty fun work environment, a wonderful network of friends and family that loves me and supports me in any and every way possible despite great distance. I totalled up only part of my healthcare costs (the chemo treatment and drugs, blood work, etc, nevermind surgeries or hospitalizations) and just that part would have been more than $380k without health insurance. I am incredibly grateful for my good doctors and health insurance to be able to afford the treatment I got. I don't know how I got to be so lucky.

There is a lot more I want in life - I want to travel the world and see more new cultures and beautiful places. This helps me be reminded that there is more to life than just the little wheel I run in every day, and that in the grand scheme of things, the little stuff just doesn't matter. I want to have a family and a supportive man in my life. I have to just have faith that with some trial and error, as long as I keep learning from my experiences, this will happen and the right person will come along. And if they don't, I will still be able to find happiness. I am very fortunate for my job, but I want to be compensated for something I truely feel passionate about. But I have to be patient, learning from the job I have and making sure that I take opportunities as they come up and follow my intuition.

Anyone else want to chime in with what they are thankful for this year?

Best,
Amy

A New Normal

2010-11-14T20:56:00.000-08:00

Hi Team,

I haven't posted for a while because - great news - there really hasn't been any news! I keep saying to my friends that I just want my life to be boring for a while. I have had too much drama, too many hard times this year, I just want to laugh, enjoy myself, and protect myself from any more negativity at least until next year. Of course nobody ever wishes hard times on themselves, but I have reached my cap for this year, so it's official - for the rest of the year my life is going to be boring, drama-free and happy.

In that vein, for the last two weeks, my life has pretty much consisted of waking up around 7am for work, having a cup of coffee and a shower, some oatmeal or cereal - going to work around 8:30 until around 5:30 (and getting out of work always by 6pm at the latest), then either coming home and watching a few hours of tv or going to the gym or going to the therapist, and going to sleep. Rinse and repeat. It's been tiring even with that little routine since going back to work has taken a lot of energy - but it's been wonderful. It has been a lot more alone time than I'm used to, but I've realized that more alone time doesn't mean that my friends aren't there for me just as much as they always have been. It has been a concerted effort to make sure I manage my energy, and don't over-plan my life. I'm sure I'll go back to a fairly busy schedule, but for now it's been perfect.

That said, I did make a quick trip down to LA for this past weekend to visit with my family friend Polly and see all the Orange County/LA friends whom I haven't seen is ages. Way too long! They've had beautiful babies and exciting stories and they showed me so much love and welcoming that I was once again overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and gratitude for my life and the people in my life. It makes me well up with tears just thinking about it again. I truly am very fortunate in so many respects. Here are a few pics of my adventures this weekend, to share with you all. Pic to the right/above is at the peak of our hike in Runyon Canyon, above LA and in the distance, Century city. It was a really beautiful day. Below, Polly and me trying on sunglasses on the Universal Citywalk, and a few pics from brunch at my friend Sarah's house.

I have been fairly public with my journey and what I've been going through but for the first time at work this week, someone whom I had worked with but hadn't seen for a while caught me in the elevator and said "Oh you cut your hair! It looks so good but I almost didn't recognize you! When did you do that?"

In my mind: "Oh you didn't hear I had cancer? Almost the whole company knows."

One more time in my mind: "Oh it fell out with my chemo but Thanks anyway"

Last time with my internal monologue: "I know, I hardly recognize me on the inside too after what I've been through

I finally just landed on saying "Thank you, it was a few months ago" and leaving it at that. It was a 30 second elevator ride and I really didn't need to ruin his day. We can save that story for another time if he really wants to know. I did feel wonderful though that my hair is now at a place where people don't automatically assume I'm sick.

Otherwise on the health front I've been doing well aside from just being tired a lot. I still get Herceptin as an IV treatment every 3 weeks (until April), I get more saline in my tissue expanders every 3-4 weeks (until about next April), I am going to therapy, have to get a Muga-scan to measure my heart function every 3 months and am on tamoxifen (which blocks estrogen) for the next 5 years. So although everyone assumes I'm "better," to me it still feels like a lot. And it will for a while.

I've also noticed that now that my life is more settled, and my body and mind are finally relaxing from being in survival mode, more of the emotional trauma has started to come out. Little stuff sets me off and it's unnerving because I used to be able to hold it in and I just can't anymore. Just the other day I was at the gym, had finished some cardio and picked an empty group exercise room to do some stretches in. It was quiet and dark and I had my iphone playing slower music while I stretched off Pandora. I had never heard it before, but Tracy Chapman's song "Change" came on, and I just broke down bawling in the middle of the room by myself. Oddly, I felt incredible relief, so I'm just going to let it keep coming as long as it needs to.

Love,

Amy

Taking the Girls to Florida

2010-10-31T21:05:00.001-07:00

Hi Team,

Today I just got back from my good friend Jean's wedding in Coral Springs, FL. I was wondering how taking saline implants through security at an airport would work since a week and a half ago I got 100ml injected in each, and originally there were 70ml, so converting... yes that's more than 3.4oz each. Not to worry, they did not detain me for bringing too much liquid through the security gate. Don't go getting any crazy ideas though.

Jean's wedding was beautiful, and I was basking in the beautiful warmth of the South Florida weather and beaches. My friends were very patient in listening to me say "I'm just SO happy right now!" It's the cheesiest thing, but I really do feel like just the sense of being really content, in a warm place, on the beach, with some really close old friends, having a beer or dancing our butts off together making a fool of ourselves is really just the best it gets. It makes me so overjoyed to feel that now, that it brings tears to my eyes. Is that weird? I'm ok with being weird. It's just been quite a while since I felt that kind of happiness and joy, it's overwhelming at times how fortunate I feel.

On the same subject of feeling fortunate, I have also been reading "Interpreter of Maladies", an excellent book of short stories. Well written, short but densly packed with meaning, some sadness but always a healthy dose of introspection. I read the second story which talks about a Pakistani citizen living in the US during the time of civil war in Pakistan, watching the news each day living in fear that his family was dead or going to die, or just fear of the unknown for what he would return to. I think about my last post, slightly judging the customer service lady on the bank phone line, and consider for a moment that I could be considered just as lucky by someone in a different situation. I felt like it was silly that the lady on the phone was telling me about her close-call to going to the hospital for bronchitis (or asthma?) when I had refered to my hospital stay which was for breast cancer. After reading this short story I shut the book and took a moment to put myself in my place, as I had wanted to for the lady on the phone. Although I faced a life threatening disease, I got it at an early stage, which was cureable, and am now disease free, only 6 months later. I feel deep loss, but my hair is already growing back, I will eventually have new boobs (although not the same sense of sensation in them), I will eventually start dating someone who I know will stick around through the hard times, and I will survive. I worry, but I do not wake up every day in fear and anxiety, wondering if I or my family or friends will be killed today. On the contrary, I get to wake up, have a cup of coffee, go to work, come home, and pet my kitties while I watch the SF Giants win the world series. Go Giants!

Love,

Amy

My New Perspective

2010-10-24T10:33:00.001-07:00

Hi Team,

So I was smiling silently to myself this morning and thought I would share with you all. I was recently going over my credit card statement for last month and realized there were a bunch of charges on Sept. 17th from Xbox Live that I didn't make... I haven't been totally with the program so I didn't notice until now going over all my line items. So, I called in today to dispute the charges, not too alarmed because there are not any other fraudulent charges on my account.

I went through all the info with the lady at the bank and here is a snippet of our conversation:

Me: "I didn't make these charges, and I need them disputed and credited back. I was actually in the hospital on that day and there's no way that would have been charged."

BofA Customer Service nice Lady: "Oh you know, I have so many friends that have had to go to the hospital lately. I have this bug that hasn't gone away for almost a month now, I think it might be my asthma or maybe bronchitis."

Me: Silence.

Me: Resisting urge to say "Oh yeah, mine was breast cancer and I was having both my boobs cut off"

Me: Mentally debating just saying "Well, I'm sure you'll survive"

Me: Finally mentally landed on the understanding option, I said "Yeah there's a lot of that going around, I hope you feel better." ~more awkward silence~

Oh my. I am so proud of myself for not shooting down her story. I'm sure her asthma and/or bronchitis makes her uncomfortable, and hopefully she does get it checked out. Need to remind myself that even though I've gone through crazy life threatening disease does not mean other's health concerns are not valid. And there's no reason to make nice customer service lady who is getting my money credited back feel bad.

Happy Sunday!

Love,
Amy

Back to Work and Finding Balance

2010-10-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

Hi Team,

My first week back at work, done! This week has been exhausting, but good. It's nice to get back into a rhythm of going to work and feeling like I'm accomplishing stuff during the day. Every night this week I've come home and just hit the pillow and crashed. My body is exhausted, but I can tell each day it gets less tiring. It is amazing to me how much being mentally engaged all day long takes a physical toll on your body. I reminded myself mid-week that it's a good feeling, because it means I'm using my brain rather than just letting it sit there and fizzle out. Like going to the gym, eventually it will get easier as my brain gets back into shape.

That said, I've felt a weird off-kilter feeling this week, where I'm going back to work, and a lot of things are pretty similar to how it was when I left, but I feel totally different. I recognize that what I've gone through has affected me in a major way and I could easily get sucked back into my daily life just as it was pre-cancer, but I don't want to. I want to honor what I've gone through and live my life with different perspective. It's a tricky balance, and I am working on maintaining consistency in slowing down enough at least once a day to recognize how I am spending my mental and physical energy, and making sure that it's spend where I feel it is most valuable and important.

I had my first fill on my tissue expanders this week, wasn't nearly as painful as I expected it to be - mostly felt like the muscle was just really tight. When I first had my surgery and came home, I had a lot of muscle pain and cramping, similar to a charlie-horse type of feeling. I was anticipating this again with the expansions, but at least with this time, I didn't have that. There is some soreness, but mostly feels like muscle tightness. Also, my plastic surgery nurse I learned has gone through this whole process herself in the last two years, and she was Fantastic at helping me learn more about the process and describing exactly what it felt like to her, etc. She even pulled out a spare tissue expander she had lying around the office to show me what it looks like. I found a pic on the manufacturer's website to show you guys what they look like. This piece of plastic is placed under the pectoral muscle, and the grey spot in the middle is the port where they can inject more saline to stretch out the expander and the muscle & skin covering it. Technology is amazing!

I recently was going through all my computer files I've been keeping through this whole process and found something I had forgotten about - a file I wrote the day I first got diagnosed. I labeled it "my fears" and it was literally just a journal entry listing all my fears and "what-ifs" - and this was before I knew I would have to get chemo, surgery, etc. All I knew was that I had a lump and it was cancerous. Looking over this journal entry today, I realized that MANY of these fears came true. Some of them didn't - I'm still alive, I still have a good job, and many reliable friends and family - but I've lost a lot through the process, and gone through a lot that I was terrified to do.

Facing my fears and being on the downward side of this roller coaster makes me feel more exhilarated - I faced my fears by no choice of mine and I am ok. It's a weird feeling of freedom, being released from anxiety when many of your fears come true and you're still alive and ok. If the next time or the time after that or just eventually, I die from it, then I know I lived facing those fears and living life the fullest I possibly could, and showing the people that are important to me that I love them. That's the best you can do. Life doesn't last forever, and it's easy to forget. Fears are not so scary when you remember that everyone is going to die at some point. Is that morbid? I don't feel morbid when I say that - to me it feels like a renewed sense of freedom.

My hair is starting to grow back in and look more full - pics are from just before work I think this past Tuesday. It feels incredibly soft, like baby hair. I love it.

Love,

Amy

Back to the Real World

2010-10-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

Hi Team,

I start work on Monday. That's tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous about it because I am the type of person to just throw myself into my work and do my damndest to over achieve and make sure I am exceeding everyone's (including my own) expectations. I tend to be pretty hard on myself if I don't. There is some trite quote somewhere about 'you are your toughest critic,' but looking back on my life, man, I have been a really tough critic on myself. Now, I'm sounding harsh about it right now, but I don't regret all the work and expectations I've put on myself, it's gotten me to where I am now, and I really like where I am. That said, one of my Main (notice caps, "important here") life lessons I am going to take away from this whole experience is... drumroll... TREAT YOURSELF WITH KINDNESS AND PATIENCE.

Now of course everyone thinks, yes of course you need to do that... but at least for me, it's not nearly as easy as it sounds. I have this internal voice that has been telling me for 28 years to push myself to the limit and beyond. I am not saying that I won't do that anymore, I just think there is more of a balance to be found in life. Push yourself to excel, but when things aren't happening like you expected, you go with the flow and be kind to yourself. In order to get through chemo, one of the things that is necessary is the ability to have faith that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it or feel it yet. This requires quite a lot of patience, and what we tell ourselves in our mind is key to that. I am working on a more disciplined voice to myself, one that is loving, kind and patient, but still striving for the best in life. It's a work in progress.

Back to the original topic, work on Monday! I am nervous because I work in retail and if you haven't noticed already, holiday season is upon us in retail! This means crazy hectic work days that are filled with everyone stressing out to make sure this product or that purchase order arrives in time for the sales, we are priced right, and hopefully can make some money at the whole ordeal. Being in an online business and one that deals with many manufacturers means daily (if not hourly) analysis and moving based on how sales are going, changing plans, changing deals, and moving mountains to get it all done on a daily basis. This is a bit intimidating to me as I have been protecting my mind and body from too harsh of an environment for a while now, in the interest of healing and feeling happiness, and I'm not sure how this is going to go. Thus my new mantra, be kind and patient with yourself (perhaps I should add, "and others").

I also wanted to share just a quick road trip that Mom and I did on her last full day here last Monday. We had previously driven down Hwy 1 (Pacific Coast Highway) south almost to Half Moon Bay, so this time we decided to venture north. She was interested in seeing Muir Woods, which is just north of San Francisco bay and known for its beautiful and ancient foliage and huge trees. Unfortunately, the parking lot was full and people parked all the way down the hwy just to pay to get into the forest to see the trees. We joked that they truly had paved paradise and put up a parking lot - and we still didn't have enough parking to pay to see the trees. So, we kept driving and visited Muir Beach and Stinson Beach along Hwy. 1. It was a beautiful drive, and we found a bench to sit on just above Muir Beach that I want to come visit more often.

Some of you have asked "How are you feeling?" So, lest I not forget this is still quite a strain on my body, I will address that question. I have great energy lately, amazing how easy it is to forget the strain and difficulty chemo puts on both your mental and physical energy. I am so glad to have that back! A few things I can tell though, since starting to take tamoxifen, I definitely have far more achey joints, stiffness, and if I am not kind to my body, I also feel a constant anxiety or "on edge" feeling. Now, I attribute some of the "on edge" feeling to the tamoxifen because it's an estrogen blocker, but I'm hoping that it's also a function of the fact that I'm in a huge transition phase right now, and working on just having a stable, calm life for a little while. Also, let's not forget that I now have these big peices of plastic underneath my pectoral muscles. It's the weirdest feeling. Feels like your muscle is always tight and needing to be stretched out. It's not nearly as tight or sore as it was at first anymore, but still can't move around without feeling it pull on the muscles. I still have to be careful not to lift anything too heavy or make any weird sudden movements that could pull or tear my pectoral muscle. My first fill for the implants is on Wednesday, so should be interesting to see how my body responds to that. I've got lots of valium for muscle cramping so hopefully that will help the process.

The progress on the hair is coming along nicely - it now looks like a really short, slightly fuzzy cut, and I think I've finally gotten past the point of looking like I'm sick or there's something wrong with me. I had a moment of progress on my self-esteem the other day. I was at a happy hour and a new freind of a friend complimented me on my haircut. I simply said "Thank you" and let her assume it was just bold and different instead of going on to explain to her about how I don't like it and had to go through chemo to get it. I just let her assume that I'm that boldy/funky chick with the cool super short haircut. Yep! That's me! :)

Love,

Amy

A New Page Turned

2010-10-12T18:09:00.001-07:00

Hi Team,

Mom went home today. Watching her walk into the airport with her bags, I flashed back in a moment of panic to the same 5 year old me in kindergarden, screaming inside - Wait mom!! Don't leave me here by myself! Who are these people and how will I know if I'm going to be ok?! When are you coming back to get me?!? Can I go with you?? Please??! ... breathe... breathe...

It was a challenge living in a tiny SF apartment with the both of us, her on my couch the whole time, but I already miss her. It's so quiet here now! It was so nice to have your mom when you're sick, helping me, making me tea and making me smile when I just felt as shitty as I possibly could - and when I was feeling ok, mom and I are good friends, so she was a great co-explorer. It's weird being used to having someone around all the time, and knowing they are gone now. Good to move on to the next transition, but sad all the same. Four months was a long time for her to be away and I'm sure all the Kona crew (especially my dad) will be glad to have her back.

I knew at some point there would be some anxiety to going back to "regular" life - I thought it would be when I went back to work (next Monday already!), but it definitely started today. The thought of "shit, I'm all on my own now" nobody here to help me reach something or look at a weird scar or (insert quazi-emergency medical crisis here) and analyze to help determine the severity with me. I can do it, I have no other choice, but I wonder how many women go through this and actually live alone with no parent or significant other. I guess I just need to be thankful for not being a single parent and going through something like this with kids to take care of on top of it all.

Started going to a therapist today at Kaiser, felt a little strange to me as she seemed to want to just make sure I wasn't in need of any *more* medications, but I assured her I had all the Ativan, Valium, Tylenol PM, etc etc you could want at home. Then she seemed to be unsure about my being ready to go back to work and I reassured her that it would be healthy for me to have something to focus my mental energy on, and hopefully have some successes. Actually, I spent a lot of time reassuring her rather than vice-versa... not sure if she will actually be helping me sort out all the emotional bullshit that comes along with what I've gone through, but someone's got to... so thank you in advance to all my close friends. Thank you all for not charging me what a therapist would for your time. I feel like I have a bit of PTSD, I still have weird violent crime dreams and moments (days?) where I just totally lose control of the crying. At least if I say I have PTSD, that implies that my trauma is over right? Post-trauma? That's progress...

Still am getting used to trying to embrace my new look, which is changing every day - hair is somewhat filled in although still looking like a buzz cut, boobs... well, those are going to have to be a work in progress for quite some time before we're done with reconstruction. They say the whole process takes 6-9 months depending on how much I can take with my fills each time, and how big I want to/can go. Then I can have my exchange surgery, where they go in through the same incisions and switch out my tissue expanders for permenant implants. It will take a while.

I want to put all this behind me, but I have to be kind to myself and remember that you don't just go through a life-threatening diagnosis, chemo, losing your boobs, hair and boyfriend, and just put it behind you. It's all life changing in so many ways. I need to honor that more mentally now that I can stop holding it all in so I can just be in survival mode. Being in survival mode for 5 months is super hard to let out down from - feels like a swirly combination of panic, relief, anger and feeling lost, not knowing what to do next. I'm sure it will progress into something more constructive (at least that's my hope)... but again, a work in progress, such is life.

Love,
Amy

More Introspection and Fun

2010-10-03T08:29:00.000-07:00

Hi Team,

I have 2 more weeks before I return to work after about 6 months on disability and I am trying to make the most of it. I of course, still have Dr appointments - follow ups, checkups, etc at least once or twice a week but also trying to fit in as many things as we can think of to uplift my overall mood and get mom out and about in the bay area. She goes home Oct. 12th!

This past week I had follow ups with both my plastic surgeon and my oncologist. The PS I have still not quite got his sense of humor or demeanor pinned down, it's hard to in 30 minute office visits, but for example, mom asked him "So, is Amy cleared to drive now?," to which he answered "Well, could she drive before her surgery?" Ha. (Yes I am allowed to drive now). Dad likened it to the Dr. office joke where you ask, 'So doctor, should I be able to play the piano now?' ('yes that will be fine') 'Great because I never could before.' What a joker. But seriously, it gets a little frustrating because it seems more like a social visit than a session where I can get information. But, just trying to go with the flow - looks like my incisions from my surgery are healing well, there are still steri-strips over the incisions but I'm supposed to just leave them there until they fall off. He said the placement of the tissue expanders looks/feels good and we will start expanding them the next time I come in the office.

My oncologist on the other hand gave me a big hug and reviewed my post-surgery pathology report with me: No cancer found in lymph nodes, no cancer found in breast tissue, only signs of dead cancer cells, nothing left alive. He said, you can never know 100%, but this is about the closest we could have come. (big hug) I'm sure he doesn't get to give that news very often. The next steps for me are to continue my herceptin IV treatments every 3 weeks until next April, and this week I got started on tamoxifen, which I will be taking for the next 5 years. The type of cancer I had grew with the feeding of estrogen and HER2 which is a protein. The herceptin blocks any cells from being fed HER2 proteins and the tamoxifen will block estrogen from certain types of cells so that my type of cancer couldn't grow. Now, you are probably wondering, as I asked my oncologist - ok, I have been given a clean bill of health, and I have no more breast tissue, is it really necessary to do these ongoing treatments? He said, we never know 100% - it is possible that a cancer cell could have gotten through the chest wall and into any part of my body even though we didn't see any signs of it in the surgery. These treatments will just sweep the body and make sure that if there is any single breast cancer cell left in there, it will wipe it out. We all laughed at my analogy - it's like packing up your suitcase at your hotel room and then doing a final sweep to make sure you didn't leave anything valuable under the bed or in a drawer.

I still wake up every day with a feeling of really deep sadness and loss. I really think my all-clear news for my cancer maybe allowed my mind to take a step back and say, ok, we're not fighting a life-threatening disease now, so now all this other mental/emotional shit that was inside me is coming out. The good thing is, I called Kaiser and they set me up with a therapist to help me work through my feelings of loss, lack of self esteem, and anger about how and when my relationship ended. They scheduled me an appointment 2 weeks from when I called but told me if I have any thoughts of suicide creeping in, please call back (hmm, that's what I have to say? Can I have an appt now if I say that?) Lol. Anyway, that will start for me next week.

Mom and I have been talking a lot, introspection on my life and just looking back. I have a little bit of an "of course" attitude about what's happened to me, not self-pity, but I was just looking at my life going, of course I would be in the .005% who get this kind of breast cancer at my age. I am also that person whose best friend died in a freak car accident in college and had my 2 closest grandparents die and an uncle (close, whom I had lived with) die in a freak scuba diving accident all within 6 months. I am the girl who got engaged and then was shocked to find out my (ex) fiance didn't want that after all and had to say "just kidding" to all the save the dates we had sent out. So it makes sense that I would also be that girl that got breast cancer at 28, and dumped by another 3 and a half year relationship right in the thick of my pain and challenges. But my mom made an excellent point, which ended my little pity-party right quick. I am also the girl who made my way from a poor upbringing on a small island to go to a great college, work in Washington DC for a summer, get a job right out of school for a good company in a big city, make it financially on my own in the city - I am the girl who hiked the Inca Trail to Macchu Picchu and planned and did my trip to Vietnam, saw Angkor Wat in Cambodia and the beaches in Thailand. I am the girl who has parents who are still together and love each other, and are still around to help support me. I am the girl with some really dedicated friends who know me to the core and help lift me up when I am not able to. I am the girl who gets the totally clean pathology report after chemo and surgery, where that was not a likely situation either.

My point is- yes life has it's challenges, and I've had my fair share of them for my age, but I've also gotten to have my fair share of blessings (not without a lot of hard work on my part) and I don't regret any of it. I have an interesting story, that's for sure, but I am extremely deeply grateful that this is my story. Grateful that my story has excitement and yes pain, but also a lot of successes, love and joy. And I know and expect that life cycles through in this way. You have times of fun and joy, and there are times of pain and sadness, and either one will come back around eventually, but I have to just appreciate and feel deeply the joy when I am in that side of the cycle and when I am in the harder part, just have faith that if I take it one day at a time, the joy and happiness will come back into my life.

To add some pictures, because what good post doesn't have at least one pic- Mom and I took a little mini-road trip down hwy one just to Half Moon Bay and stopped at some of the beaches along the way. My full album is on facebook, but here are a few pics to share. The first picture was one of my favorites because of the juxtaposition of the dead weeds in the foreground to the beautiful beach and cliffs in the background. Sometimes our lives feel like this, but we just have to look a little further to see the beauty.

Love,

Amy

The week after

2010-09-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

Hi Team,

Although I wanted to leave my wonderful news up as my top post for a while, thought it might be time for another update. Over the last week, every day has been better in terms of how I feel physically. I still have to keep gauze covering my inscisions - and I seem to have a lot of them, 5 total. I have to wear a compression bra at all times - a sports bra that clasps in the front to keep my implants from moving around while my body creates scar tissue around them. Most of the time it's just soreness all over my front. My reaching ability/range of motion is very difficult, feels like the muscles in my arms haven't been stretched out for months. So, working on the arm stretches. The worst of it physically has been that every night at least once I wake up with really bad cramps in my pectoral muscles, feeling like charlie horses. I just have to breathe through it and try to stretch my arm out to stop the cramping. I'm hoping this goes away as my body gets used to having plastic things under my muscle, but we'll see. Maybe I'll just have to ask for more valium from my plastic surgeon.

Emotionally it's been a lot harder. For some reason I've been able to keep my shit together pretty well for the last months, despite having gone through menopause (haven't had a period since April but stopped the shots that force that on 8/3... maybe I'll get it back, maybe I won't), despite being exhausted from chemo and stuck in a tiny apartment for almost 6 months, I have kept my shit together. Lately not so well. I think I just stacked two more major things on top of everything, so now, being bald, getting my boobs cut off and being dumped 5 days before my surgery was just all too much for me. I cry every day. I've never been that big of a crier, but for some reason, I just can't hold it in anymore. I look in the mirror and although I know I love myself, I haven't been able to do any of the things I love, I don't recognize myself with my lack of hair and boobs, and being dumped with that kind of timing really took a toll on my self esteem. It took away a major source of comfort and knowing I was loved at a time when I really needed it. Of course I get a lot of comfort from my friends and family, but knowing your man loves you is a different kind of comfort, and having that taken away at a time when so many changes are happening to me physically and emotionally is very hard. I know that beauty comes from within but I just feel a really really constant deep sadness and loss. For my body, for my relationship, and just for the future life I thought I was going to live. I know I will come around and already am at times excited about the possibilities ahead of me, but right now a lot of the time, I am mostly sad for my all my losses.

All that said, a lot of you have been asking for updates on how my hair is looking - it is growing back a little now, and as Sandra (Anthony's daughter) said last time I showed her my blog "it's all words!" (with distain). So, making sure to have some fun pics this time:

And at least our late summer has finally arrived in San Francisco, so spent the day at the park with mom and friend Marielle on Saturday, us at Chrissy Field (and me still bandaged but with the wonders of a padded push up bra creating some illusions):

And last but not least, some comic relief because I sure could use some in my life right now - we went to the bathroom near the park at Grace Cathedral on the top of Nob Hill yesterday and these signs were on the exit doors - does anyone know which door we should use?? :)

Love,
Amy

Pathology Results from Surgery: Great News

2010-09-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

So we knew the tumor had shrunk from my chemo, just from feeling it get smaller along the way. We knew the initial look at the lymph node during surgery was cancer free (but that was just an initial look, not final results). AND we knew that during surgery, they would be removing all the cancerous tissue so that after surgery I would be cancer free. We hoped that there would also be good margins around the area that had cancerous tissue so that the doctors felt comfortable about saying we didn't need to do any more treatment (ie. if it was too close to the chest wall, I might still have had to do radiation).

Let me share the email I got from my surgeon this morning:

"Hello, Wonderful news! You had a complete pathologic response to chemotherapy. No invasive cancer left. The lymph node is also free of disease. We should have a finalized pathology report by the end of this week. I will email it to you. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!"

Translation: My chemotherapy did such a good job that they found NO cancer in the tissue they removed from my breasts. Not only did they get good margins on what they removed, they found zero cancer since my body reacted so well to the chemo. This almost never happens (as my oncologist told me a while back). Also, lymph nodes definitely clear.

This is wonderful news and now we can really celebrate. Not only did I get rid of it, but we KICKED its ass. Majorly.

Yay!
Amy

The Whole Story

2010-09-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

Hi Team,

So, been quite the eventful past week. Had my surgery last Wednesday and as Monika gave in the quick update, everything went really well. However, not without a little drama, so let me tell you the story!

I was supposed to be there at 9:30am for my 11:45am surgery... at 12 noon I was still waiting in the pre-op cattle call area, but at least they had given me a warm-air blowing gown and shoved a small TV in front of my face. ("here look at this while we make you wait"). Finally they took me into the surgery area, gave me a little versed, the drug they give you for conscious sedation. I felt it surge right through my body and make me totally relaxed, whether I was ready for it or not. It was great, they could definitely have a market for that on the street. Then on to the operating room and after not long, I was out like a light. They didn't make me count down or anything, they just started going around the operating room introducing themselves, and had me breathe some oxygen and I don't remember them actually getting all the way around the room with the introductions.

Next thing I knew, it was 7pm on the clock and I was in the recovery room. They almost immediately put me on a morphine drip since I had a lot of pain right away. I had my whole chest wrapped super-tight with gauze and an ace bandage. I had a bulb of local anesthetic (lidocane I think) with tubes going under my ace bandage that constantly bathed my cuts in a local anesthetic. I also had a cut on my side from my lymph node biopsy, which was not getting any local anesthetic, so was causing quite a lot of pain. Also, I had two drainage tubes going under my skin into the empty areas that used to be my breasts draining out the fluid that your body creates when tissue is removed. Quite a tangle of different tubes and drains and areas that were hurting and the wrap around my chest making me feel at times like I was being suffocated.

Mom and my friend Corey kept me company, feeding me ice chips and making sure they yelled at the nurses for anything I needed. At about 10pm, the nurses notified me that the hospital was at capacity and it looked like I would not be getting a room that night. Now, the recovery room that I was currenly in was constant chaos. People were coming in and out, yelling at each other, lots of nurses since I believe it has to be at least 2 to 1 (nurses to patients), lots of general noise and light. I cried when I found out I would not be getting any peace and quiet - I was tired, frustrated, in pain, and just told that I wouldn't be getting any more comfortable until at least the next day. To boot, it seemed that they were having a staffing problem because the nurses seemed to be extremely pissed off that they had been asked to stay overnight as well.

The next morning, after a pretty constant pushing the button for morphine all night, I got to have a long talk with the manager of that area of the hospital, of course him kissing my butt as much as he possibly could so he didn't have a lawsuit on his hands. I think he was surprised that although I was firm and angry and told him my situation was simply not acceptable, I really did spend a while trying to get to the root of the problem with him and asking him how I could use my voice to enable him to create a solution so this doesn't happen again. I will follow up on that after I'm feeling a little better, but he seemed to be relieved that I didn't threaten to sue. Not long after that, I got up in a room and slept off my pain and drugs pretty much the rest of the day and night.

Dr. Langer came in to visit me on Thurs. morning and told me that the surgery went really well, she did not have to make very big incisions to remove all my breast tissue, so she thinks eventually, the reconstruction results will look really good. She said they didn't see any signs of cancer in their initial dissection of my sintenal lymph node during surgery, but of course the final results of that will come in my pathology report (still waiting on that but should be a few more days). The final pathology report will also give us the important peice of information of how much tissue they found still with cancer in it - it's possible that the chemo got rid of all the cancerous tissue, or that there still was cancer, but the important thing is that they have healthy margins around all the tissue they find that was cancerous. I will be sure to give an update on that information once we get it. They did place tissue expanders under my pectoral muscles, but weren't able to expand them much since my muscles and skin were so tight already. It will take time and many sessions of expansion to get my implants back up to where we want them to be. As I told my friend Danielle, it's like those "pump it up" shoes back in the 80's. So overall, surgery went really well even though the hospital situation was a nightmare.

Today I had my follow up appointment with Dr. Langer and she just had the biggest grin on her face the whole time. She said I am already healing so quickly and well she is just thrilled. The drainage tubes out of my sides came out already today, when originally they had told me 2-3 weeks. This means I can start trying to stretch my arms and get back some of my range of motion - but not too much! Don't want to re-open any scabs that are trying to heal up. I am still not supposed to lift anything over 5lbs or drive for a while. I got to have my first look under my ace bandage today too. It was the weirdest thing. My chest almost looks concave, with two long scars where I used to have nipples. It's very shocking. But, I will have breasts again, it will just take a lot of time and patience.

I can't help but feel mutilated and scared - scared of what people see when they look at me, and just scared of not being self-confident, even though I've pretty much always been pretty self-confident. For example, one of my anesthesiologists in the hospital was tall, handsome, dark hair, blue eyes, no ring... and I talked a little to him, but as he was walking away, I actually thought... I need to wait a while on this flirting thing, who wants to flirt with a bald cancer patient who just got her boobs cut off. He probably just feels sorry for me. I know it's self depricating, but I am just going to have to start working on this with myself and my friends, being dumped 5 days before my surgery certainly didn't help. But I do have faith that I just have to be patient with myself and it will come back, let's call this my 2nd puberty. And this time I am going to get a therapist to help me.

Next appointment is next Tuesday, I have my first follow up appointment with my plastic surgeon and I think we will talk more about next steps then too.

Thanks to everyone for all your love, thoughts, prayers and positive energy for a successful surgery - it worked! Now more of the same for a quick and successful healing of my wounds (both physical and self-image wise).

Love,
Amy

Surgery Update

2010-09-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

Happy to report that Amy is out of surgery, awake but very very tired, on a morphine drip, and hopefully going home tomorrow. Lymph node pathology is clear - miss Amy is cancer free!!!!

Surgery Tomorrow

2010-09-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

Had a rough weekend and last couple of days trying to mentally preparing for surgery. Got back from my latest adventure to Portland last Thursday, and last Friday, Anthony and I broke up. Not going to go into a whole lot of detail on this other than to say it has caused me a whole lot of sadness and just overall disappointment and a feeling of great loss. I am trying my best to focus all my mental energy on being positive and healing for my body, but it's a great challenge right now.

Tomorrow I'm having a bilateral (both sides) mastectomy with tissue expanders. This means they will go in and take out both of my breasts, and put temporary implants behind my pectoral muscles, which will be pumped up over time as implants. Eventually, 6-9mos from now, I will have another surgery to have the final permanent implants put in. My surgery starts at 11:45am tomorrow morning and I'm supposed to go the hospital at 9:30am. They always make you take all your clothes off and put on this thin gown, then wait for a really long time in a freezing cold room. I'm bringing a jacket. The surgery should be about 4 hours long, and I will be in the hospital for one night. They will also be doing a lymph node biopsy to make sure that the cancer has not spread to my lymph nodes, but the expectation is that it has not. We'll know for sure tomorrow, and the final pathology report comes back a week from tomorrow, telling us how much cancer they found and if they got good, clean margins around the tissue they remove.

I'm nervous. I've never been under general anesthesia and I'm a little afraid of where my mind will take me since I haven't been the most stable person mentally lately. But, I'm hoping regardless of where it goes, I will not remember it... that's the hope anyway.

Thank you for all your love and prayers tomorrow.

Best,
Amy

Post-chemo Adventures

2010-09-14T21:13:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends,

Once the mental chemo fog wore off and the physical exhaustion lessened, I was able to go on a few adventures in between my last chemo treatment and TOMORROW, my double mastectomy surgery. First, I had my Ta-ta to the Tata's party on Aug. 21st. It was so nice to see so many of you, play pin the boobies on the babe and eat boobie cupcakes. Sharing a few pics -

On Wed. Aug 25th, headed down to Orange County to visit Anthony and family, and went down to Rosarito Mexico for the weekend. I almost didn't make it to Mexico because I got sick with a fever, spent a night in the Irvine Kaiser Hospital. I was super pissed to be in a hospital again, and right after I thought I was done with the tiredness, sickness and pain - I was ready to have fun! But thanks to an atom bomb of IV antibiotics and a sympathetic doctor, I was released in one day and given the OK to head down to Mexico! We had some of the best food and great times with friends and family. We also went to an Argentinean Tango melonga (sp?) and I got to dance with one of the teachers! It was so much fun!!

Then, back in San Francisco on Aug 30th, Mom, Dad and I drove up to Napa on Sept. 1st to bask in the sun and drink delicious wine. Our friend Karen lent us her guest house and we sat by the pool, entertaining her 2 dogs and eating some of the fresh veggies from the garden.

Came back to SF on 3rd, and decided that since I still had a bit of time and could fly for free with Anthony, to go spend Sept. 5-9th in Portland, OR just to explore and have fun. In Portland, Anthony and I rented a car to go out and tour the Columbia River Gorge, drove out from Portland to highway 84 to see the beautiful Gorge, see waterfalls and do a few hikes. We also tried out a few of the local brews - Portland is the micro-brewery captial of the US. My favorite was the blueberry ale that I had, smelled and tasted like a blueberry muffin. The weather was cool and rainy, but our hotel had a hot tub and indoor pool. One of my favorite things was the culture of street food in Portland, whole blocks of street food vendors, lots of different kinds. I tried a Korean Bulgogi Taco. We also tried the famous (from Man vs. Food) voodoo donuts, which I was excited to see had many vegan donut options. Anthony's favorite was the maple bacon bar. That's right, bacon. Portland was a great town.

I had a really great time with all my adventures and feel really lucky to have had the time and people to adventure with. That said, my adventure time is up and tomorrow is the surgery. More on that next post ~~

Best,

Amy