RND Thoughts and Nibbles

Cost Plus World Market and The Temple of Duh

2011-12-22T00:13:00.000-08:00

I saunter into a festive Cost Plus World Market bursting with Christmasy possibilities. No specific item in mind. A jaunty commuter mug. A colorful package of finger traps. A bottle of Merlot from Texas. A... What is this? I loft a plain hip flask my eye. My son coos his approval. This shall be mine. Take that Christmas. Another gift is checked. There is only one problem. It doesn't have a SKU or price or identity. None, on the shelf. One by one they fail and fall from my eye. It's as though these items exist outside of Cost Plus or maybe in an alt Cost Plus. Loki?

I go to the Very Helpful Man, "Hello, there is no SKU (pronounced skew) on any of these (holding hip flask in right hand; 15 month old is on my shoulders but secured with my left hand) could you look up the price?"

Very Helpful Man is flummoxed. He takes the flask as if it were plutonium. He looks the item over. And once again. Over under. Then sidewards rotations.

I point out, "There are no skews on any of them (smile). Are they the same price as the other ones (with a skull) on the shelf?"

We move like ninjas with an infant to the hip flask and novelty drink shaker section. The look of confusion is thick on my helper-man's face. He grabs another flask. Looks to the bottom. Rotates the flask end over end over end. Stops.

"There are no skews on any of them," I say in a smiley happy tone.

My son is checking out a cute 2 year old girl that smiled at him. He is putting on his coy boy face. This would be cute if not for the escalating ennui... No, no. Wrong word.. fear, dread, drive thru... I'll get back to you.

The flasks, all of them, are now being inspected with an caution and awe that I've rarely seen in retail. This obviously has NEVER happened before. SKU's don't just walk away. With enough rotation perhaps it will de-cloak or maybe it is on the other bottom. An Nth dimensional one.

The Very Helpful Man needs to ponder the 'Mystery of the Invisible SKU'. He moves to the great Book of Prices and SKU's. He needs space. I shall give it to him because he has been very good to me, "The boy and I are just going to look around. We'll be in this area (pointy, point)."

Five minutes pass. I round the corner with the boy on my shoulders. The Very Helpful Man appears to be sad. The papers of his carefully maintained book are akimbo. His hair tousled. Eyes; red rimed. Tears streaming down his face. He holds a cheese knife to his tender mid-section, "I have failed you. Only death can relieve my dishonor and this coupon for 10% off anything in kitchen section." The knife opens his once private world to the public. He had a cheese sandwich for lunch.

"I'm sorry haven't found it yet.", he says with a smile.

Okay, I embellished after the paper part.

"That's cool. We're going to look over here (pointy point, point) for a moment."

We move off. The boy is now running some type of commentary while on my shoulders. Maybe he's pooped his pantaloons. Maybe it's a love sonnet to the two year old with the home cut, but oh so cute, bangs. I don't know. He's only 15 months and can't speak and he doesn't smell poopie. Yet I feel that even he knows that there is no SKU on the items in question.

We return after a fascinating detour through the Isle of Misfit and Broken Christmas Items.

Maybe Emily will like half a cookie jar?

"Hey. Sorry about that. It's $4.99. But there isn't an SKU."

"Egads! Is that what the problem was? MYSTERY SOLVED! The Fancy Boys and the Mystery... It was Old Man Jenkins..." This of course is internal dialogue. I smile. He takes it as a good job. I leave it at that.

"Go up to the counter and tell them that it's $4.99 as per NEXT TIER BOSS," he smiles and hands me the item.

I look at his name tag. He's done a masterful job of detecting for me and he should be rewarded. He has a great Latino name. One that should be dancing rather than working at Cost Plus.

"So, I shouldn't use your name?"

"No."He smiles, "I'm just the underling."

"Okay. Thank you."

The guy uses a multi-syllabic word and assumes that he will not be praised along with his Next Tier Boss who pulled this mystical number from the either. Oh, no. Your rewards will be great. I give credit. I take the Names of the Helpful and send them to Santa. No Isle of Misfit Thingies for you my friend. The world shall know. Smooth sailing now. Onward.

Chapter Two: The Check Out of Despair

The eight or nine customers with their collective carts of gifts wear masks of pain that harken back to Dante and his journey to return a toaster in Hell. I thought Christmas was supposed to be happy? Maybe they are Jewish? Muslim? Nope. Just shopping. Maybe they are feeling judged by their choice of presents.

Baby Jesus, "So my loyal worshipers, what did you get me for my birthday?"

Customer, "I have brought for you the finest scented candles. Made in China."

Customer two, "I have these fine hot dogs and a bottle of Merlot."

Customer three, "And low. I have this half a cookie jar, brought from the Isle of Misfit and Broken Christmas Items. Half off."

Baby Jesus, jaw and eyes wide.

Me, "Happy Birthday Jesus."

I'll work on the dialogue.

"I can take you over here," says the smiley girl. The other clerks are also smiley. It's the break room water. It's vodka.

"Hey. Here (mystery gift for some one. SHH.). Here (some tea) and this item (hip flask) is $4.99 as per Next Tier Boss," I say with a smile on my face. Case closed. Check me out. Cause I'm a sexy dad with a great kid.

The hip flask gets rotated. Over and over. Sideways. "Do you know the price on this?"

"Yes. It's $4.99 as per your Next Tier Boss."

"I don't have a SKU for this." She motions to some one. Her smile dips.

"Yes. There are no skews to be found on this or any of the 'quantity x' remaining hip flasks. That's why Very Helpful Man told me to tell you that your Next Tier Boss said it was $4.99."

That should do it. Logic wins the day. Wins the day my friends. Wins. The. Day.

"Candy (not her real name, but she was sugary.), could you go see what the skew is on this?"

WHAT! REALLY? I just told you, REPEATEDLY that there is no.... "Excuse me. There are no SKU's or any identification for this item. Not on the shelf. Not on any of the remaining items like this one. Not on the items nor on their shelf. Next Tier Boss, you know, YOUR BOSS, told VERY HELPFUL MAN that it's $4.99."

"Yes. But Candy will just find out what the skew is."

Obvisously my jaw is moving but I am not speaking English. Maybe the child can do something cute to break this spell over the clerk... Child? The two year old? What? Again? Older women.

"Really, the Very Helpful Man spent 10 minutes looking for the code..."

"That's okay. I just want it for next time."

"Want what?", I ask.

"The SKU. Candy." The flask passes to other, sugary, hands.

The Red Mist of Death begins its lonely journey to the furrows of my brow. My eye; twitches. Anime hand spasm as I reach for a weapon that is not there. Anymore. It was taken by my jailers. For I have killed legions, continents, worlds for less than this, human. However I have confounded my jailers. I don't need a weapon. The Child is my weapon. The child is a killing tool. I keep him on my shoulders so that those around me may live. The child is a killing word (read Dune). I shall unleash him upon you and he will devour you soul. Then he will feast upon the Merlot and weenies. He is the Destroyer. The Toppler of that which cannot be upended and was secured with very big screws to the kitchen counter only a few days ago on Tuesday. He shall smite you. May your god have mercy. For THE CHILD shall not.

"Never mind. I've lost interest.", I mumble.

"What?", says the smiley clerk.

"It will just take a moment," says Candy.

"I don't need the flask. How much for everything else?"

I leave the Clerk, her eyes astonished her mouth a thin smile. I have displeased her. I leave knowing that my wrath will be savory and taste of Mentos.

I have won this day. For I have a blog.

Reinventions

2011-12-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

What I have been doing is no longer worth doing.
At least not in the way that the doings have been done.

So I am done with that way of doing.

Breaking

2011-12-15T07:21:00.000-08:00

Everything is breaking.
There is nothing to replace the things that break.

Sadness and beer fill the voids.

Oh.

2011-10-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

How is it possible to be both an artist and a parent?

Natural Building

2011-09-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

I am taking a Natural Building course through Vertical Clay (http://www.verticalclay.com/workshops-events.html).

I am unusually excited by this class as the 'campus' is a wonderful mix of reuse and natural building materials. As well as bamboo and water catchments.

Maybe I'll blog more about it. More likely that I won't.

What does it have to do with theater or puppetry? We'll see.

Moving Home

2011-09-01T01:27:00.000-07:00

Do I stay where I am or do I move home?

This is much more cryptic than you think...

Things Are Looking...

2011-08-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

UP and UP. That is about our audience, yo!
There is an audience of nearly 3 people reading this blog on a semi-regular basis (once every 3-18 months) and my mom isn't one of them!

Because she's dead.

However, let's not let that bring down our massive audience and the dance of joy that I am doing at this moment.

R.I.P 2003 Subaru. I hate you.

2011-07-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

My new/old car just died a fiery death.

It would cost $9270.00 to reinCARnate it (ha, ha, ha). So, it's dead as this would bring the total cost of repairing this lemon to $13,000.00 I the car started at $8000. Of which I have paid $2000.

I'm not dissing Subaru. My last Subaru was wonderful. This one was hateful from the beginning and now it leaves me $6000.00 in debt. Subaru no longer makes a station wagon. Unless you count the Forester, and I don't. Because I don't like it's mileage and it's smug little snubby nose. So, chances are low for a new station wagon, well really, from any one company.

So, rest in pieces you 2003 Legacy. I will loathe you until the last star burns from the heavens.

Fringe and Television as We Know It.

2011-04-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

If a series is going to jerk me around and make me wait a couple of weeks or take a mid-season break (grrrr), hey, I'm not going to watch until the season is done and I'm going to buy it on iTunes or borrow it on Netflix.

Since Mr. Television Executive's revenues are based on the 19th Century hand-cranked monkey-driven eyes glued-to-the-screen model, that must really mess things up.

I know it does for me because I am suppose to be The Drone in this relation and watch it how Mr. Television Executive says or he'll take away my toys (Firefly). However, I don't like interruptions. I don't like having to re-invest and I REALLY don't like having to re-invest in a series that may or may not exist next time.

This on-off, off-on, maybe-yes, maybe-no notion in television promotes failure. It's like a bad girlfriend (or boyfriend) that keeps coming back and wants your attention. Sorry. Don't have time to re-invest in you and you never did your dishes anyway, I'm going to play Starcraft.

Here we are in the 21st Century; give me the series. Don't jerk me around. If you're going to end it, have the balls to give me a movie (Firefly) and give me completion. There is nothing more pissed off (or extremely loyal) as a Sci-Fi fan.

So, um. There. Rant done.

To the Republican Party

2011-04-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine posted this. I thought it was worth a repost:

"My daughters won't be teachers. They have told me they saw how hard I worked, how little time I had for my family and how little money we had. I can't get that time back! It was a high price of personal life to pay. Teachers are treated like serfs in a feudal time. And though I know my students appreciated what I did as well as the parents, shouldn't teachers have a fair compensation as any other college educated person with a master degree which is required? Yes, I chose my profession, so let the younger generation be warned, It is a very difficult life to choose when there are so many other options."

Remember people: a under-edutate pop ulace is um stoopider and ezer to control.

Dear Top 1%

2011-04-11T07:14:00.001-07:00

Please stop trying to create a job for me.

New, new, gnu: Walidad the Grasscutter

2011-02-11T23:24:00.000-08:00

Started the physical work on one of the two new shows tonight while the children were sobbing in their beds.

Going to do a few mock ups and get a feel for the boxieness of the boxes then I'm gonna go to town... and get some more boxes so I can cut them up.

The pictures below are for the Adviser. There's more stuff on Picasa. Click on the new, new, gnu link.

2011 a Bitter Disapointment

2011-01-01T14:26:00.000-08:00

Here it is 14 hours into the "new year" and already 2012 has broken it's promise of "change" that we could "believe in". Already it has taken on the traits of the "old year" and it's same-old tired promises. Where is the warmth that was promised? The Economic Upturn? No, its just a rehash of the same old promises from the previous year.

Night will continue to turn into Day. Spring will topple into Summer. No puppies. No kitties. No perpetual fountain of Merlot in the center of town. Who needs Petite Verdot? Then there are no free handouts to help large business to keep ahead of it's greedy "employees" and their "need" for a "living wage" or health care. Eat an apple commies.

I for one cannot wait until 2012 when we can vote 2011 out. It's what the American people want. I know, because I just wrote it and I'm American.

I also can't wait for 2112. Because I like Rush. I just hope we take back our country in time.

Achoo, and God bless America.

Bad Year

2010-03-20T18:09:00.000-07:00

No work in the education zone. I must say, "Ouch". Well, we will see what else happens.

Audition

2010-01-27T01:27:00.000-08:00

There is nothing that can make a grown man feel 5 years old again and insignificant as an audition.

It doesn't even have to be for anything good.

The all volunteer choir of tone deaf penguins. The local talent show. Doesn't matter.

You should also sleep. Sleep makes you feel less stupid.

I think.

Mining the Past

2010-01-20T20:56:00.000-08:00

I've started to digitize material from my past.

It's interesting to see where you've been.

Welcome 2010

2010-01-01T09:19:00.001-08:00

Don't suck like 2009.

This is something I can get into

2009-12-25T13:10:00.000-08:00

Christmas always makes me pissy.
This makes me less so.

Television continues to eat itself.

2009-12-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

We now have mini-seasons.

Who the Hell thought this was a good idea? Thirteen episodes that just get you into the show and then you get to wait for five to forty months until the next twelve or so episode that then lead you into another cliffhanger.

Unless your show is "V" or "Flash Forward". Then four shows is enough. Enough for you to know that you don't want to watch it. Even on Hulu, where the bad mismatched commercials continue to insult and annoy.

Television do you honestly expect people to stick around while being jerked around? I've enjoyed you for years, but now I can say that I don't care about high-def. I don't care to have 400 channels. I don't care to continue paying $120 a month for the 10 channels that I do watch, sometimes; when the commercials don't make me crazy.

I'm disconnecting you.

I'm watching when I want to, what I want to, where I want to and what I want to watch it on. I can watch "Mad Men" through Apple. I can tolerate online Netflix. I can watch time-shifted, 'use on or before' Hulu and honestly, I don't miss a big screen that constantly sucks power from my wall, I don't miss having to have a TV Room and I really enjoy the electronic free reading room I now have. Nope, I don't need to experience a big screen to see movies either. I'm fine with a high resolution display and snuggling with my wife. Thank you, TV. It's been swell.

A Christmas Carol

2009-10-29T14:21:00.000-07:00

These are the times that make and break theater. Notice that I didn't say "or".

We were all in process to do a new show (a puppety Christmas Carol) when bang, all funding was cut and all funding for our school shows was cut and that makes for a great weeping lack of moo-la.

Waa.

So, now we're in process to do a readers theater version of Christmas Carol in several of the local hang outs through out the Napa Valley.

It's like lemonade from kiwis, but with out the kiwis.

Wednesday night Balloon Animals gone bad.

2009-10-03T22:03:00.000-07:00

Yep. The only thing that was missing was liqueur. If there had been drink, who knows.

Officially Tanked

2009-09-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

The economy has officially tanked. For me. So far this year I have, oh, no shows scheduled for the state sponsored health programs that I do.

I really should have seen it coming.

Last year I lost Washington state. Not literally. I know where it is. I lost the bookings. I also lost a school district that has supported the show for 11 years.

This year California went to Hello Kitty in a Handbasket and I lost another school district that missed the round of budget cuts from last year.

It could be worse. I could be in those programs. One of the people that I've worked through used to have a staff of three. Now it's a staff of he.

So, I've advertised that I do birthday parties to fill the gaps. I will need to do 350 of them to start to fill the gap created by the economic meltdown.

Now if I could just get medical coverage.

The Start of the Day

2009-08-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

I like to start by going uptown and having coffee. Once I've done that and talked to people, I like to come home and check the interweb. Then I check or think about making my list of chores. Outside chores by this point are too hot, so I check the internet again. Then I make coffee or tea so that I can get started with the day. But now it's night time and time to eat. Then it's time to put the duaghter to bed. Then there is just enough time to check the internet and watch something on Hulu or Netflix. At 3am it's time to curse myself for not sleeping when I should of and/or getting work done and vow to do better tomorrow. Then I check the internet.

New Shows Abound

2009-08-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

Working on yet another new show. This time it's "Tell Tale Heart". Yes, that one. At least it's not "The Raven".

I am trying to do it without words. That should be amusing.

Thank YOU Greater Portland Metro Area

2009-08-03T12:53:00.001-07:00

The Oregon Tour was, was fantastic. "Hansel and Gretel" (H&G) were received extremely well. At 50 minutes it entertained every one and, yes, it kept the little ones enthralled. Besides the "When are you coming back again" and "You are so funny" comments that I usually get (really) I also got:

"Tell another story!", isn't 50 minutes enough?

Me: "What kind of story would you like to see next time?".
Kid: "One with tree people in it again"
All the puppets in H&G are made with course sculpted limbs from a tree that fell into my yard. Take that tree.

Me: "What was your favorite part?"
Kid: "Oooh, oooh. RAAAAAaaa."
I think it was the monkeys and the velociraptors that were in the forest. Maybe the elephants, but that was more of a trumpet sound.

"My butt is sore. Next time I'm going to sit in a chair."
"Maybe you could have us stand-up in the middle of the show so that wouldn't happen."
A problem and a solution from a sister and brother team.