Tea With Lemon

The Awards Witch: Oscar Predictions 2012

2012-02-25T10:19:00.000-08:00

Photo: AMPAS.

The Year of the Upset
by The Awards Witch

Full Disclosure: I am not a voting member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences.

If I was, this bullshit list of nominees would be drastically different. This Witch gets her way. I am quite literally only interested in seeing two categories, and am going to have to suffer my way though the ENTIRE show to get there.

And as there only two nominated Best Original Songs, neither of which are being performed live, there isn't even the hope of seeing the Muppets perform (or of giggling as the two old men muppets shout insensitive nonsense at the rest of the Muppets) so strike two, Oscar.

Unlike the Golden Globes, the beautiful people are not allowed to openly drink and mingle, so there aren't usually any super-funny and exceptionally inappropriate speeches. Everyone is on their best, most boring behaviour for Oscar.

See why this sucks, plus who will/should win and upset in each category after the jump!

So every year I hope for something unfortunate to happen. Here are some predictions with some pretty well-versed roots in history:

Someone big will get left out of the Dead Sea Scrolls. The next day, their ex-spouse/widow(er)/attorney/court-appointed executor/estranged child-promoting-their-new-venture-as-a-contract-girl-for Vivid will bemoan the producers' decision to disclude this individual to TMZ, Star Magazine, and Us Weekly.
Jack Nicholson will sit front row, center, wearing sunglasses and an ill-fitting tux. I hate when they do this. This year, I want them to sit Jack next to Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.
At least one big-name celeb will uncomfortably reveal their illiteracy on air by realizing they can't call "Line?" live. Teleprompter? Hell, no. They forgot their glasses.
Billy Crystal will at least do an entertaining opening monologue/song and dance. Which is more than I can say about last years' debacle.
I will be disinterested about 25 minutes in and will start mocking outfit choice and faux tears.
I will yell at the TV about 5 times. I will chronicle that for you. A lot of these nominees make no sense this year.

Here are the nominees in order of how much I care about what happens in the categories. The lower we get, the less I give a shit, so be warned. This year isn't one of Oscars best.

Actor in a Leading Role
Will Win: Gary Oldman for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Should Win: Gary Oldman for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Upset: George Clooney for The Descendents

Reasoning: I have several here. Gary Oldman is just about my favorite actor ever. The guy has had an AMAZING career. He has made very few bad career decisions (yes, I remember Dracula with British Keanu Reeves) but he has been flawless for about 10 years now, and HAS NEVER BEEN NOMINATED!!!

So the Academy is going to stick its tail between its legs and give the man the recognition he deserves. Also, if this category happened at the beginning of the night and he didn't win, I'd stop watching and blog reruns of Hillbilly Handfishin' to confuse all of you fine people. If he wasn't nominated, I'd give the edge to Clooney over Jean Desjardins, because he is George Clooney. And you're not. Sirius Black FTW!

Directing
Will Win: Martin Scorcese for Hugo
Should Win: Martin Scorcese for Hugo
Upset: Alexander Payne for The Descendents

Reasoning: Scorcese is coming off a massive win at the Globes for this movie, and all credit where it is due, Hugo should give him his second Oscar. That being said, Alexander Payne could feasibly pull a robbery here, especially since the Academy is not often kind to films that it views should be directed to younger audiences (Harry Potter) and typically overlooks them in grand fashion (Harry Potter).

However, the fact that Scorcese was even nominated (when David Yates wasn't) is a feat in and of itself, so it could mean a swing in the thinking of the Academy (but not SO far a swing that they would nominate the director of the highest grossing and best reviewed movie of the year (David Yates for Harry Potter.) It's a good thing the Academy loves Scorcese so much they gave him an award for The Descendents a few years back, which in this Witch's opinion was the least of his films; and it will be nice to see him win for Hugo, which I think is one of the best of them.

Best Picture
Will Win: The Descendents
Should Win: The Desendents
Upset: The Help

Reasoning: The Academy for some reason known only to them, did not nominate Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2, so I had to pick something. When I have to pick something, I am going to pick something with George Clooney in it. I would prefer that something to be a shower, or perhaps a big box wrapped like a birthday present. Failing that, I will pick a Clooney movie everytime. Got that?

Harry Potter, then George Clooney in a shower or wearing a strategically placed bow, then a Clooney Movie. It gets a little screwy in years when there is a Peter Jackson-helmed movie taking place in Middle Earth, but that is a rant for next year's awards show, I'm sure. The Help could pull a win, in full Crash fashion, but it wasn't a good enough movie to earn that. And if Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close wins this, I'm turning my TV off. Good thing it will be over.

Actress in a Leading Role
Will Win: Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady
Should Win: Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady
Upset: Viola Davis for The Help

Reasoning: So, I actually toyed with putting this on my importance list before Best Picture, but weighed it out and placed it here. I have to admit, I am a bit worried for my dear Meryl, as I fear she may not get the votes she needs to win. I think that these idiot voters look at her as so consistently excellent that they vote for someone else, assuming Meryl will win anyway. Kind of like when Chris Daughtry was eliminated from American Idol and Taylor Hicks won.

All right, so not exactly like that, but you get the point. Everyone assumed Daughtry would win so they took the week off from voting and, well, you saw what happened. That is what I am worried about this year. Glenn Close pulling a Taylor Hicks. Jesus. That would certainly suck. I'm ok with Viola Davis, but this really should go to Meryl.

Actor in a Supporting Role
Will Win: Christopher Plummer for Beginners
Should Win: Alan Rickman for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Upset: Kenneth Branagh for My Week With Marilyn

Reasoning: Whatever. I get that my "Should Win" wasn't nominated, but I didn't elect these assholes to vote. There is no democracy here. This is invite-only totalitarianism. Hell, I bet the qualifications for getting an invite to be a voting member of the Academy were that you had to have begged your agent for a part (or grip, costume, makeup, food services, best boy, stunts, camera 3, assistant, wand carrier, etc job) and were turned down by a letter mailed Owl-Post.

Since I am not allowed to VOTE, I can only continue to harp on it, and suggest that Christopher Plummer will win ~~The Sound of Music~~ Beginners. I would like to see Kenneth Branagh pull this off, though. He made some history with this nomination. He is now the first person in Oscar History to be nominated in 5 separate categories (his are Actor in a Leading Role, Actor in a Supporting Role, Director, Short Film Live Action, and Adapted Screenplay.) It would be nice to recognize that kind of diversity, and would soften the Alan Rickman blow somewhat.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Will Win: Octavia Spencer for The Help
Should Win: Octavia Spencer for The Help
Upset: Berenice Bejo for The Artist

Reasoning: As Shailene Woodley was unceremoniously and confusingly not nominated here for The Descendants, I don't think there is much of a chance of Octavia Spencer not pulling the W. I actaully would say this may be the only true acting lock of the Oscars this year.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Will Win: The Ides of March
Should Win: The Idea of March
Upset: The Descendants

Reasoning: Clooney is getting on the podium with a kick ass acceptance speech at some point during the night. I think this is his shot to remind everyone why he isn't fixing shit at Mrs. Garrett's or being a roguishly disrespectful pediatrician any longer.

Best Original Screenplay
Will Win: A Separation
Should Win: A Separation
Upset: Bridesmaids

Reasoning: Bridesmaids could win here. The buzz is there. Also, according to the same people who created the Bridesmaids buzz, we should all be getting some new sneakers and drinking the Kool-Aid, because on December 21, we are all going to be toast. Well, at least, you will be. I'll be watching The Hobbit.

Music-Original Song
Will Win: Who Knows
Should Win: Who Cares
Upset: Flip a Coin

Reasoning: In a year full of bullshit nominees and lost chances. this is the shittiest-nominated category at this show. They nominated TWO songs. One from The Muppets and one from Rio. Off the top of my head, I can't hum either one, and I have kids. I generally use the performances at the actual show to quick-pick a winner, and I am usually pretty accurate. (You could be, too! Play Six Degrees from Elton John...the closer you get, the more likely they will win!)

As neither song will be performed, I guess I won't ever find out. You know, ever since the year when N'Sync performed with Gloria Estefan and only got to do one verse and the chorus, this has been a disappointment anyway. But still. Sing the damn songs.

Animated Feature
Will Win: One of the two I have never heard of
Should Win: Puss in Boots
Upset: The other one of the two I have never heard of

Reasoning: Remember at the Golden Globes and TinTin won and I said, "Don't expect an Oscars repeat here, folks." Remember that? I really don't care what wins here. I just want to point out that I was SO right that it wasn't even nominated. BOOM!

Cinematography
Will Win: The Artist
Should Win: The Artist
Upset: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Reasoning: I really do not think The Artist is going to lose here. I do believe that even though it was the hot topic through Awards season, I think it will get shut out of the majors tonight and will pick up this well-deserved win.

Art Direction
Will Win: Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2
Should Win: Possibly The Artist
Upset: The Artist

Reasoning: There is ZERO chance the Academy doesn't recognize Potter for something. I just hope it isn't this, as The Artist should very truly take this category.

Costume Design
Will Win: The Artist
Should Win: The Artist
Upset: Hugo

Reasoning: Again, The Artist is getting shut out of the majors. And Hugo is that rare directing win with no nominated actors, so it may pick up some consolations.

Visual Effects
Will Win: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Should Win: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Upset: None, Dammit

Reasoning: This is it, folks. The most successful movie franchise of all time is going to win for Visual Effects. Wheeee.

There are other categories: documentary, editing, foreign language, etc. Take a guess, and go for the most outlandish winner. You will be right about 60% of the time. Its like taking a multiple choice test and choosing "C" for every answer.

Mark your ballots now and tune in Sunday night for the Live Blog. It's more fun to watch with me!

Tea With Lemon Stealing Whores

2012-02-24T06:05:00.000-08:00

I stumbled across this clip which appears to be the introduction to a hard hitting documentary detailing the lemon stealing whore epidemic. That, or the first minute and a half of very cheeky porn.

Due to one outburst of profanity, I'd say this is NSFW.

Watch it, after the jump

T's Trailer Park Presents: Retread Edition

2012-02-23T21:34:00.000-08:00

If Josh Hutcherson (not pictured) has his work cut out for him trying to convince us that his Peeta is a threat to Liam Hemsworth's Gale (Thor's little brother, seen here, smoldering, with Jennifer Lawrence as protagonist, Katniss) in the heated love triangle.

Last week I was in the midst of making fun of Firefly from our Lettuce Eat recipe column for her enthusiasm of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter and while doing so I realized I may match (or exceed) her with my excitement for The Hunger Games movie.

Yup. Let's just hope this adaption of a popular novel is more Harry Potter than Da Vinci Code (Tom Hank's own wife and family probably still haven't forgiven him for that movie killing mullet).

There are two new television spots which offer very little in the way of new footage but I have placed them for you to view along with the newest Clash of the Titans 2 trailer, as a courtesy, after the jump!

Hunger Games TV Spot 1

Hunger Games TV Spot 2

In my humble opinion, they spoil a bit too much of the movie in this second spot but I do realize if you haven't read the books they need to bait you to get your butt into the cinema..

Clash of The Titans 2

Although the remake of Clash made a ton of money, reviews were harsh and, truth be told, I thought it lame. Actor Sam Worthington acknowledged this when he stated, “I think the first one, we kind of let down some people. What we’re setting out to do on this one ,the writers and the director and myself, is improve.”

Fair enough.

Reporter is Sleepy, Possibly Sedated

2012-02-23T13:41:00.001-08:00

via The Daily What

if this one gets yanked at some point, we have our own homemade version for you after the jump!

Glee Recap: On My Way

2012-02-21T21:24:00.000-08:00

Harsh and Reductive

by CaliforniaKara

Hole. Lee. Ish. Holy ish. They weren't mothertrucking around tonight on Glee.

Wait...hold on.

I wrote the above paragraph after the first third of the ep, which led up to David Karofsky, the former Kurt bully, being outed at his new school and subsequently attempting to commit suicide. You read that right. His father caught him in time, though.

The rest of the ep was around bullying, and all the numbers at Regionals, Sectionals, Nationals, whatever (it really doesn't matter at this point) were about not bullying people. Which, normally, I'd be all, "Hey! Message! Snarky comment!"

But I can't. Because it's bullying and teen suicide. And I really can't because they Michael Vaughn-ed a major character in the last 15 seconds of the ep...

I hate when my incredulity trumps my ability to be persnickety.

See what has Kara gobsmacked after the jump!

New Directions singing at Nationals/Sectionals/
Regionals/Whatever. Photo: Fox Publicity.

And that person would be Quinn. Who had to run home to get her bridesmaid's dress that she forgot for the wedding that shouldn't be happening between Finn and Rachel. Which leads me to:

EFF YOU GLEE!

April 10th, really? You freaking apparently kill Quinn, pulling a Michael Vaughn a la Alias as you have a truck t-bone her and you're all: cut to black, "to be continued" and "We'll be back April 10th.

Effffffffffffffffffffff you.

Yes, we get the 2 key messages here: don't kill yourselves, kids, and oh by the way, texting while driving is bad.

Sure, it took all of about a sneeze to see they were setting up both of these. I'll admit, even though I saw Karofsky's suicide attempt coming the second he walked out of the locker room after seeing "FAG" spray painted on his locker, kudoes to Max Adler's mad acting skills, and the way they had him lay out his clothes before entering his closet to end a life where he came out of the closet.

Quinn is about to get Michael Vaughn-ed (i.e., t-boned by
Smallville's dad's truck). Photo: MJsBigBlog.

And texting is bad, which we figured out as soon as Rachel first texted Quinn. In a car we've never seen. On a remote road. That we've never seen. One that, much like last year's NYC ep, looks like it was shot with different film and a totally different DP. In a state we've never seen.

But I digress.

Oh, and am I the only one who thinks it completely farked that the New Directions key song in Regionals/Sectionals/Nationals/Whatever was contains the chorus: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" So, the message is, "Attempted suicide, which doesn't kill you because it's only attempted, makes you stronger?"

WTF?! Are you able to follow along here? Because I'm lost.

Two performances from Regionals/Sectionals/Nationals/Whatever:

Warblers perform "Glad You Came" by British/Irish boy band The Wanted

New Directions perform "What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)" by Kelly Clarkson

I'm looking forward to...oh hell, I don't know. Plot? Continuity? Things that aren't out of left field? A 7 week hiatus of hell?

*sigh*

I give.

Morning Announcements
Questions, comments, sarcastic remarks

Ugh. Effing Glee. #thatisall
Props to my BFF Michael, who texted me: "Felt almost like Heroes writer's strike wrap up attempt." Word.
"I'm looking forward to the day my grandmother loves me again." - Santana
"I most look forward to meeting Rachel Berry's children." - Mercedes
"You give the gay community cutting edge fashion that's usually only seen on Puerto Rican pride floats." - Sebastian
Thanks to T for filling in last week and covering Glee for me. The snarky recapping of Glee fit him like a glove. Trust me, I'm watching my back, 'cause that bitch can recap with the best of 'em.

Bonus picture

GLEE-MAIDS! Lea Michele and the girls did this parody shot of Bridesmaids
in honor of Rachel & Finn's (maybe) wedding. Photo: Lea Michele on Twitter.

Bonus video

Harry Potter himself Daniel Radcliffe doing a PSA for The Trevor Project's lifeline.

Rabid Community Fan Base Roars in Relief! All Twelve of Us!

2012-02-21T14:37:00.000-08:00

If Community gets cancelled for good, some of the cast will be more stressed than others as the busy Gillian Jacobs is not having much trouble finding work.

The Good News: Community returns to NBC on March 15 for you to continue not to watch as you revel in the ratings juggernaut that is The Big Bang Theory (a show so popular it goes toe to toe with American Idol, each week, without flinching, and beat up on 30 Rock just as bad as it did Community when it dared to air against it.)

The Bad News: Initially, it won't be paired with the hilarious, Parks & Recreation, which is taking a brief break until April 19.

Oh well. Are you looking to break up with someone but need a good reason that isn't the messy truth? I think the last line in the Community clip that follows transcends any argument. Watch and learn, after the jump!

Gingerbreadmama Gossip Wrap: The super duper special Monday edition

2012-02-20T19:23:00.000-08:00

This week’s round-up of entertainment highlights.

Pretty sure that even if Cindy Crawford had mommy-moments like this, she never looked this worked.

Maybe not so much like mother

"No modeling career for you! Mama know the evil that men do!"
Image source

Cindy Crawford’s mini-me daughter Kaia Gerber, who was well-received when she modeled Versace's new line of children's clothing in January 2011, is now taking a break from modeling until she’s 17. According to Mama Cindy, “At this point, she's too young to pursue a career. There aren't even a handful of jobs for a 10-year-old girl.”

10 year old Kaia appears to be taking the wait in stride, and doesn’t seem to be considering modeling as a top priority anyhow, “I might model first because you don't have to know how to do anything, but then I want to be a baby nurse."

That's nice dear. This story and more await you...after the jump!

The Gerbers on their way to "The Perfect Nuclear Family Competition" where they will go head to head with last years white picket fence winners (winners are actually given a tiny replica of a white picket fence), Gingerbreadmama's clan!

The timing of Mama Cindy halting her daughter’s modeling career comes on the heels of the mistreatment of underage models making the spotlight. Marc Jacobs was recently criticized for using a 14 and 15 year old in his February show, after the Council of American Fashion Designers asked its members to only use models 16 and older. But even before that incident, it’s long been a concern that underage models more easily succumb to pressures of the job and eating disorders and are unknowingly photographed in various stages of undress while backstage changing during photo shoots and fashion shows.

Paulina Porizkova, in the movie modeling documentary About Face, sums up her experience as a young model by saying “that she and the other young models were so accustomed to inappropriate behavior from agents and photographers that, what people called sexual harassment, we called compliments."

The bits

Beaten to a pulp, Prince Pierre, was airborne after getting punched.

Pugilist that punched Prince into orbit and then hospital.
Images Source

Not so royal treatment: Princess Caroline of Monaco’s son, Pierre, was attacked in New York’s Meatpacking District by club owner Adam Hock. Witnesses say, "Pierre's face looked broken, with deep cuts and blood everywhere. He looked like he needed plastic surgery." Hock has been charged with eight counts of third-degree assault. Hock’s attorney claims Pierre and his entourage (which included Paris Hilton ex-Stavros Niarchos III) started the brawl and Hock reacted in self-defense. His court date is March 29.
Marcia Gay Harden has filed for divorce, after 15 years of marriage. She and hubs Thaddaeus Scheel have three children together, Eulala, twins Hudson and Julitta.
Nick Cannon, host of America's Got Talent, announced that he would quit hosting his New York radio show because of blood clots in his lungs.
Congratulations to Elizabeth Smart, who married beau Matthew Gilmour in Hawaii over the weekend. May you have the happy life you deserve.
Spotted: Vanessa Bryant apartment hunting in NYC over the weekend.
Acquitted (but is she innocent) Amanda Knox signed a seven figure book deal with Harper Collins.

TV bits

She's already hosted SNL three times. What could possibly go wrong?

Lindsay Lohan will host Saturday Night Live on March 3. This will be her 4^th appearance as host.
Bethany Frankel announced on The Today Show that she recently suffered a miscarriage.
Taylor Kinney joins the cast of Chicago Fire as “adrenaline-junkie Squad Lieutenant Kelly Severide.”
Jonathan Groff is joining season 2 of Boss as “as Ian Todd, an ambitious new member of crooked Mayor Kane’s office.”
Terry O’Quinn joins Falling Skies as a former mentor to Noah Wylie’s character in a two-episode arc.

Movie bits

At 77, is probably not too stressed by "can possibly lead to blindness" diagnosis.
image source

Dame Judi Dench has been diagnosed with macular degeneration, “a condition, characterized by damage to the retina, that can lead to blindness.”
Michael Douglas joins the list of Oscar presenters. Previously announced; Tom Hanks, Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise and the cast of Bridesmaids.
Gael Garcia Bernal signed on to play Zorro in a futuristic reboot for Fox titled Zorro Reborn. The plot “will re-invent the masked swordsman by transplanting him into a post-apocolyptic future with a revenge tale that pays homage to Sergio Leone's films and the Coen Bros, No Country For Old Men. Sounds ambitious!
I Am Legend sequel is back on, according to reports. Sources say Will Smith won’t commit until he sees a script but it’s hopeful. “Deals have just recently been finalized with Akiva Goldsman; who was a producer on the first film — and Smith's Overbrook Entertainment.”

Will Smith pissed he left Tic-Tacs in car after another run-in with homeless and bitter street bum, DJ Jazzy Jeff.

Movie Openings for Friday 2/24

Act of Valor

Gone

Wanderlust (Limited)

Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds

The Fairy (Limited)

Hipsters (Limited)

Quote of the week:

"The firing I could handle. It was Trump confessing he frequently pleasured himself, in his youth, to my best selling poster and Sports Illustrated layouts. That's what ultimately broke my spirit."

Image source

Nice girls finish last? Ousted from Celebrity Apprentice, Cheryl Tiegs: “I've built 12 companies in my life. I've been on the cover of Time magazine three times, not for my beauty but because what I was doing was newsworthy around the world. I've worked with teams all my life, but I've been nice and I've been kind. I wanted to bring something to Celebrity Apprentice to let America know that you don't have to be back-stabbing and mean-spirited in order to a challenge."

Clearly she didn’t watch previous episodes or she just doesn’t get the concept of reality tv. Drama sells.

Written by Gingerbreadmama for Tea With Lemon. Photos and captions courtesy of the T (filling in for a acting like he's still on vacation but I know his sorry ass is home because he's posting on Facebook, Editor In Chief). Sources: people.com, tvguide.com, yahoo.com, eonline.com, tvline.com, TMZ.com, hollywoodreporter.com, huffingtonpost.com, fandango.com, deadline.com, variety.com

GreenTech Geek: Social media to the rescue

2012-02-20T11:54:00.000-08:00

Social media to the rescue!

As the GreenTech Geek columnist for Tea With Lemon, my goal each week is to present a thought-provoking article touching on both sustainability and technology. Finding topics that address both at the same time is sometimes a challenge.

So, sometimes I veer more toward the environment and sustainability, and other times technology wins the day. And occasionally I might blabber on about neither topic. For example, oh, let's see, maybe the death of a celebrity or something like that.

That's the freedom the Tea With Lemon staff gives me. And that's why I love being a columnist for this blog.

This week, I'm pretty excited, because I've hit on something that marries sustainability (kind of the 'social responsibility' aspect of sustainability) with technology. It also lets you hear one of the coolest accents known to human ears: Irish.

Check it out after the jump ...

Paul Conneally, the public communications manager for the International Federation of the Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies, is an expert on using digital technologies for humanitarian aid. He believes social media and related technologies are becoming central to disaster response and humanitarian aid.

I know this first-hand, in my job in public relations at San Diego International Airport, where I oversee social media communications. For example, during the Great San Diego Blackout last year, we used social media -- mostly Facebook and Twitter -- on battery-powered laptops to keep a nervous public informed about the status of the airport.

Mobile devices were among the few things working during the outage (for some, not all), and our messages were the only source of information about the airport that reached those people for several hours.

Here's a screenshot from my presentation in PodCamp Second Life.
I'm the tiny guy on stage at the podium.

In response to a far greater emergency, I marshaled the power of social media to create a platform for artistic response and healing in the aftermath of the Hurricane Katrina tragedy along the Gulf Coast. How? I founded a poetry podcast and blog called Hellicane that invited people affected by the storm to submit poems about their experiences and feelings.

It mushroomed into a major online presence that got inducted into the Smithsonian Institution's national Hurricane Digital Memory Bank, was featured on blogtalk radio and was presented as a case study at the 2007 PodCamp in Second Life.

Anyway, here is Paul Conneally in a great TED Talk called Digital Humanitarianism.

He shows how how social media is continuing to tackle big disasters, even something as big as the horrible Haiti earthquake. (Oh, and he has a way cool Irish accent!)

Bird Feeds Dog Noodles

2012-02-20T05:20:00.000-08:00

Bird feeds dog noodles.

The Walking Dead Recap: Triggerfinger

2012-02-20T00:37:00.000-08:00

The Walking Dead goes "Unforgiven"
Photo credit: blogs.amctv.com

Gear Shifts, Hubcaps and Other Lethal Weapons

By SDMattchew

This week’s episode "Triggerfinger" continued the extremely familiar "a-few-survivors-have-been-cut-off-from-the-main-group-and-require-rescuing" formula. However, I cut the show some major slack because the writing was about a 1,000 times better than last week’s episode.

The Walking Dead returned in full form tonight, guns blazing!

"Triggerfinger" got off to a fun start with a walker giving the windshield of Lori’s rolled car a tongue bath. Once she wakes up and screams at this macabre scene, signaling to her attacker that she’s chow if only he can get to her, he attempts to shove his face all the way through the smashed glass, peeling most of it off in the process.

Find out what car part Lori uses to kill this zombie after the jump…

While Lori attempts to escape her wrecked car, Rick, Glenn, and Herschel deal with the aftermath of killing Dave and Tony from Philly. It was definitely a clean shoot (I’ve seen enough cop movies to know this is how law enforcement would label it.) But when more gun-toting buddies arrive and expect an explanation of what happened to the Philly boys, Rick decides what the hell – these guys deserve the truth.

Bad idea.

Glenn - cowering behind a large object, part 1
Photo credit: blogs.amctv.com

This was another one of those moments (among many in this episode) where I’m right there, wishing I could call the play for the characters on screen. Keep your pie hole shut, Rick! Of course he doesn’t. His "well, they drew on us first!" explanation, yelled at some guys outside on the street that we never see, more or less incites a Wild West shootout. (Anyone catch the wagon wheel hung on the wall?)

Back on the road, Lori grabs the car’s gear shift and stabs her walker in the eye. Then she clocks another with a hubcap. Finally, she puts a bullet into the head of a third. When she should be patting herself on the back for giving us some really entertaining zombie kills, she just stands there in a daze and bleeds… perhaps wondering if her insurance company is going to cover all this…?

Meanwhile the group on the farm prepares to eat dinner when they realize that Rick, Glenn, and Herschel haven’t returned. Shane says he’ll go look for them in the morning (would you be a dear and pass the cornbread?) However, when they realize Lori’s also missing, Shane couldn’t be out the door faster. He’s still got a little thing for Lori, it seems.

Glenn - cowering behind a large object, part 2
Photo credit: blogs.amctv.com

Rick, Glenn, and Herschel make their escape from the bar. Not before a sniper on the roof nearly kills Glenn, who cowers next to a dumpster and proves he’s not much good with a gun if he’s facing enemies that actually shoot back. Too bad for the gunmen, when they’re making their own getaway, their sniper tumbles off a roof and impales his leg on a fence stake.

Shane eventually catches up with Lori, still standing in the road, her head bleeding (from the accident, not from a dead hick bite.) Lori insists they go and find Rick. Shane decides to lie to Lori and tell her Rick and the gang are all back at the farm, safe and sound, ready to start seeding this year’s crops. Really? Yes, really. Would I lie to you?

BEST SCENE IN THE EPISODE:

Walkers close in...
Photo credit: blogs.amctv.com

With walkers approaching, Rick and Herschel try to decide if they should save the sniper and if so, will they have to amputate his impaled leg?

Where’s the hatchet? In the truck?

The sniper lies there reacting to the entire discussion. Finally, they decide to take the leg and restrain him.

But it’s too late. Walkers close in. Rick shoves up on the leg and tears it free.

Ouch.

In other farm news… Daryl (guy who looks a lot like a hillbilly version of Sean Bean) continues to alienate himself from the group and push away always-has-a-glum-look-on-her-face Carol. He tried to play hero earlier in the season for Carol by taking it upon himself to rescue her daughter Sophia, but, as we all know, that didn’t work out so well.

Beth continues to be lethargic, run a fever, and look more like a zombie.

Shane and Lori return to the farm, only to find that Shane is a big, fat liar. Sure enough, no Rick there. But Shane had his reasons for lying to her. He had to make sure that she – and their baby – got back there safe.

Oh… uh… whoops! Didn’t see Rick’s young son Carl in the room when baby was mentioned. Sorry about that!

It’s okay, though. Now that Carl knows, Shane is sure that they can all be one happy family.

But then Rick, Glenn, Hershel, and "Randall" arrive.

Aw, shoot!

Shane broods about how Rick and Herschel just want to keep "playing house" on the farm. Bringing Randall back after killing his two buddies is only going to incite a war, he tells Andrea, if Randall is ever able to tell anyone where the farm is. Rick’s going to get everyone killed.

Not how Rick and a few others in the group see what he did: He killed the two Philly guys to protect his family.

We conclude our FAR superior episode this week with Lori whispering in Rick’s ear about protecting his family… Shane thinks the baby is his… Shane is dangerous.

Are we moving toward a Rick/Shane square off?

LINSANITY!

2012-02-19T20:57:00.000-08:00

Photo Credit Frank Gunn AP

The moment Saturday Night Live stopped giving a f*ck and started being funny again.

Watch Maya Rudolph kill it as Beyonce, Nasim Pedrad slay as Nicki Minaj, Kristen Wiig maim as Taylor Swift, and Justin Timberlake slaughter as Bon Iver, after the jump!

Supernatural Recap: Repo Man

2012-02-18T20:44:00.000-08:00

Coming Back to Haunt You...Literally

by Joshowa

This week, Supernatural crosses into Criminal Minds territory as Dean and Sam track down a demonic serial killer. Don't worry - Supernatural it leaves the dead-eyed stares and bad procedures to the pros.

Flashback!

And I need you now tonight!
And I need you more than ever!

As you may recall, four years ago, Sam and Dean where hot on the heels of a demon name Lilith. Lilith was a particularly evil baddie who was attempting to unleash armageddon by freeing the Devil from his prison. In order to find Lilith, the boys tracked down her demon lieutenants and tortured them until they gave up information.

One such demon possessed a man named Jeffrey (Geoffrey?). With the help of a good witch, Dean and Sam caught the demon and exorcised him from Jeffrey, but not before roughing up Jeffrey bad enough to send him to the hospital. Now we are back in the present day, and murders matching the demon's M.O. have caught Sam and Dean's attention. It's off to Idaho they go in order to send the demon back where he belongs!

Assisting me with this recap is a hefty dose of decongestant and powerful antibiotics. I must also give a shout out to the fantastic "Cool Touch" tissues by Kleenex. The way they soothe my sore snout make them worth the extra dough. I don't know what sorcery causes the cooling, but I am shaking a chicken bone in their honor!

Is there anything worse than a sick person whining? Follow the jump to get back to the action!

With a splash of holy water and a knife to his throat, Sam and Dean confirm that Jeffrey isn't possessed. ("We had to make sure." "Make sure of what? That I peed my pants today?") They quickly learn that Jeffrey is living in a halfway house, apparently trying to put his life together after his experience with possession sent him off the rails. As part of his rehab, Jeffrey adopted a rescue dog with a "cone of shame" around its neck. Kind of like the one Michael is wearing right now. Zing!!

"Yes, I have a shaving kit. I'm a hunter, not a barbarian."
Photo: The CW

Using the "memories" Jeffrey has of his time possessed, the boys get a lead on the demon's next victim. Sam goes to investigate, while Dean stays to protect sad little Jeffrey. Jeffrey suddenly remembers that the demon had a secret hiding place - one he can probably find. Unfortunately, Dean is too busy blaming himself for how messed up Jeffrey's life is to realized that this sudden revelation is awfully convenient and probably suspect.

While Dean trots off to certain doom, Sam is shadowing the supposed next victim at the library. Accompanying him is none other than Satan, who has managed to make a reappearance in Sam's brain. Sam makes a valiant effort to ignore the Devil's childish, attention-grabbing behavior, but it's a tough battle. In a truly freaky scene, Satan makes Sam see a vision of everyone in the library banging their own heads against the table until they're bashed and bloody. Sam uses the panic button of pain on his palm to make the visions disappear, but as his palm heals, it looks like that trick is working less and less.

This has nothing to do with this episode. I'm just sad I didn't get
a chance to put in last week's column. "Those are MY popsicles!"
Photo: NBC

Back at the demon's lair, Dean is examining a guy tied to a chair with chains when he's stabbed with a needle from behind! In a twist you probably saw coming, Jeffrey reveals that he is actually the one who committed the recent murders. In a twist you may not have seen coming, Jeffrey explains that he actually a crazy potential serial killer before he was possessed! Jeffrey wasn't driven mad by his ordeal - he was a full-on lunatic who heard strange "kill me" noise buzzes in the brains of women even before the possession. The demon just managed to unleash his potential. Jeffrey is actually in love with the demon, and wants him to come back and possess him again so they can murder more chubby girls together. How romantic!

Dean and Sam were easily fooled by Jeffrey because they were working under the false assumption that all people possessed are unwilling victims. It's understandable - most of the demons they've faced in the past seemed to delight in twisting their innocent victims' lives into something horrible (take Meg, for example).

"What do you mean you didn't buy tomatoes? You can't
make salsa without tomatoes!!"
Photo: The CW

While Dean listens to Jeffrey's monologue, Sam is busy figuring out what's going on. Unfortunately, he does this by enlisting the said of Lucifer. Sam acknowledges his presence and engages him in conversation, and Lucifer helps him figure out the "Nancy Drew mystery." This is actually very well done - Lucifer never reveals anything that Sam couldn't have known on his own. He's basically just a part of Sam's mind, but one that is helping him put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Tracking down the good witch, Sam learns that she helped Jeffrey come up with a spell that will summon the demon because Jeffrey took her son hostage (and sent her an ear). He's the poor bloke tied up in the chair. She reveals that in order for the spell to work, Jeffrey needs to blood of the one who exorcised the demon - Dean. This explains why Jeffrey tricked Sam and Dean to returning to him. Sam uses his giantess to intimidate Glinda into helping him rescue Dean.

Unfortunately, they are too late. Jeffrey murders the poor dog and uses him and Dean's blood as part of the summoning spell. It's a success, but instead of possessing Jeffrey, the demon enters the body of the good witch's son. During an awkward and bloody slow dance, the demon tells Jeffrey that he's learned all he needs to become a murdering psychopath on his own, and will no longer needs to be possessed. Jeffrey is devastated, but it's hard to feel bad for him, what with the the killing and all.

The original repo man. You kids might know him as
Charlie Sheen's brother.
Photo: EW

Sam and Glinda arrive just in time to see her son-as-a-demon get stopped by a devil's trap painted on the ceiling. (How did that get there, y'all? Not explaining that qualifies as the biggest misstep of a fairly fantastic episode, excluding the bad CGI flies and flames.) Jeffrey, still angry about his rejection, goes to stab possessed boy, but Dean wastes no time firing a few rounds into his chest. Bye bye, crazy Jeffrey! Glinda gets with the Latin and quickly exorcises the demon and reunites with her one-eared son.

Now back at the hotel, Dean flops on to the bed and is ready to pass out. Sam asks him if he's going to sleep. Dean just says yes and passes out. I know Dean was probably really exhausted, but he should know that no one ever asks someone who already has his eyes closed "are you going to sleep" unless that person wants to talk. Sam probably wanted to open up about the fact that Satan is there, and he's not going away. Now that Sam's acknowledged and interacted with him, he's here to stay!

Supernoteral

The actor who portrayed Jeffrey was terrific. He easily slipped between timid, calculating and completely bonkers without being showy about it.
"Leave your name, number and nightmare at the tone." - Dean's voicemail greeting will now become the one I use at work.
Thank goodness the writers actually gave an explanation for Dean's sudden loss of cell phone signal. How many times has that happened in a show or movie at just the right time for no apparent reason?
What do you think about Satan being back? Mark Pelligrino does a good job making him entertaining, but I was kind of enjoying having sane Sam-The-Smart-Guy back.

Next week: Nada! Supernatural takes another random two week break. As will I if these sinuses don't clear up. Moan moan! Complain complain!

T's Trailer Park: Presidents Day Edition

2012-02-17T10:58:00.000-08:00

Trailers for Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, Intruders, Dark Tide, and the International trailer for Prometheus (along with a wee bit of prattle), are embedded for you, as a courtesy, after the jump!

Prometheus International Trailer

A lot like the last preview trailer but without all that letter fuss obscuring the screen.

Dark Tide

Here's the second trailer for Dark Tide, starring Halle Berry, her buoyant, otherworldly breasts, Oliver Martinez (who became her real life lover, unsurprisingly, while this was being filmed), and hungry sharks. You can actually watch this movie on Ultra VOD (Video-on-Demand) on March 8. That's three weeks before its theatrical release on March 30. I suspect a DUD.

Intruders

Intruders, directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo of 28 Weeks Later and featuring Clive Owen, introduces a new character, Hollow Face, that goes around stealing the faces of ugly children.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

Based on the Novel by... Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter (I lifted the following from their Facebook page after I saw our very own Firefly, from Lettuce Eat, yammering on about it and furiously and repeatedly clicking the "Like" button): Visionary filmmakers Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov reinvent the time-honored genre and present the terrifying creatures of the night as they were meant to be experienced -- as fierce, visceral, intense and bloodthristy. ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER brings to the screen the secret life of our nation's favorite president . . . as history's greatest hunter of the undead.

This looks fun.

An Open and Cordial Letter to All Who Would Oppose Liberty

2012-02-15T21:59:00.000-08:00

Michael Kasper, respected columnist and pseudo-journalist, and by extension yourself have been forced to endure an attack upon our civil rights. With our very way of life threatened are we going to sit back and allow those in power to compromise our liberty? I think not.

The date is January 1^st, 49 B.C.E. and Marcus Antonius (Marc Antony), as the tribune of the plebs, is putting forth a measure to the Roman Senate. The political rivalry between Gaius Julius Caesar and Pompey Magnus (the Great) has reached its height. The Senate has asked Pompey to take up arms against his former co-consul to preserve the Roman Republic.

Marc Antony is relating a letter sent by Caesar to the Senate. It reminds the governing body of all the accomplishments achieved by the man for the Republic. He went onto propose that he would lay down his legions if only Pompey would put aside his; A reasonable offer.

Appian of Alexandria tells us, and I quote, “…the Senate became more bitter than ever and declared Pompey's army the protector of Rome, and that of Caesar a public enemy. The consuls, Marcellus and Lentulus, ordered Antony and his friends out of the Senate lest they should suffer some harm, tribunes though they were. Then Antony sprang from his chair in anger and with a loud voice called gods and men to witness the indignity put upon the sacred and inviolable office of tribune, saying that while they were expressing the opinion which they deemed best for the public interest, they were driven out with contumely though they had wrought no murder or outrage. Having spoken thus he rushed out like one possessed, predicting war, slaughter, proscription, banishment, confiscation, and various other impending evils, and invoking direful curses on the authors of them.”

For the office of tribune was sacrosanct. It was considered a capital offense to interfere with or harm the Tribuni Plebis. Threatening a tribune with violence was tantamount to offending the gods themselves. Marc Antony was correct. A great injustice was committed on that distant day. Just as a great injustice has been done today my friend.

As I was sitting at my desk this morning I received an e-mail from one Editor-in-Chief at Teawithlemon dot com. I was surprised as anyone considering that I am only a contributing writer with limited access to the Teawithlemon Alcohol Reserves. What could it be?

A letter praising me for all my in depth contributions to this blog over the last couple of months? A formal invitation to the Teawithlemon 2012 Spring Break Extravaganza in Montreal? A response to my personal ad? I’m afraid not brothers and sisters. I’m afraid that the correspondence I received today was of a somewhat more serious nature.

It would seem that the Baron of the Blog (Editor-in-Chief) has some concerns over the content that I have been providing you, our dear reader. Well I, like Marc Antony, am forced to call upon men and gods to witness the violence being done to my advice column. The letter read and I quote:

“I like to give writers full creative control over their posts; however the inclusion of a photo of starving children (which I assume is real and not a staged photo shoot) detracts from the overall quality of your post. I understand that it leads into the Hunger Games related question; however I am not sure that starving children are entertaining/funny in any context.”

As you, the dear reader, are well aware: I never for strive for simple entertainment in any of my posts. My only intention is to provide practical, common-sense advice for the contemporary, literate American. A refuge for the modern mind to escape to drudgery and banality of everyday life.

The photo in question was meant to symbolize the terrifying reality of the world we live in compared to the fictional world of prose. The contemporary modern mind is often so isolated that it ignores the horrors that surround our global community. The Editor-in-Chief would like you to remain numb to the grievous injustices of our world.

Numb to a world that endures starving children and unpaid blog contributors. A world where your reality is spoon fed to you by self-indulgent, bourgeois Editors-in-Chiefs who want nothing more for you then to sit back and swallow the latest take on an episode of Glee. A world where Dan Aykroyd has an open schedule and Andy Dick is double booked. Is that a world you want to live in? I think not.

Is it too early to take to the streets announcing war, slaughter, proscription, banishment, confiscation and miscellaneous? No. I must poignantly express the need for revolution. I stand before you today and say that unless we resort to bloody violence all of our freedom shall be squandered at the hands of ruthless blog supervisors.

Think this is not a serious problem? I beg you to reconsider. Take the remarks of one Teawithlemon writer who will go under the pseudonym of “T.” I quote:

“For a blog that says it’s about ‘pointless drivel’ you are asking a lot of the reader.”

There you have it ladies and gentleman; the rippling effects of subjugation upon free speech. Just as malaria ravages the small African village our blog has been decimated by the domineering, stifling attitude of our Editor-in-Chief.

Well fear not my friends. I swear to you that even though on this day my voice has been unfairly silenced I will continue to pursue the good fight for you. I give you my solemn vow that I will continue to provide you of the high minded, educational material that you deserve even in the face of stifling forces of oppression. But I cannot do it alone.

I urge you, citizen, to write your local congressman and tell them to write our editor about the gross injustice that has been visited upon our blog today. A blog that we want to preserve for our children and our children’s children. However I think we can all agree that our children’s children’s children are on their own.

Glee Recap: Heart

2012-02-15T13:17:00.000-08:00

Just When I Thought I Was Out...

by Your Guest Columnist T

When Kara asked me to fill in for her Glee recap column this week I was pissed but accepted through gritted teeth. If it was ANYONE else I would have said “HELL NO! I’m OVER Glee!” but Kara is one of those people that MUST be doing a million things at once and actually THRIVES on it, so if she’s asking for assistance one assumes the situation must be quite dire.

After watching the Valentine's Day episode of Glee, Heart, I’m thinking that Kara is a crafty one and had inside intel! If any episode was going to pull me back into Gleek-dom, this was it. Too bad the last five minutes snapped me out of my trance.

But I digress…let’s take a look at the good, the bad, and the ugly.

After the jump!
The Good

The Whitney Tribute

This episode was filmed some time ago so Mercedes singing "I Will Always Love You" is just a coincidence. But she nailed it. And the nice and subtle mention of Whitney’s tragic passing at episode's end seemed just right.

Photo: Fox Publicity.

Rachel’s Gay Dads

After a horrible introduction with some nonsense about one of them crushing on Tony Danza (seriously, it was NOT funny, embarrassing, and actress Leah Michelle actually looked uncomfortable), they bounced back during their fun dinner party for newly engaged Rachel and Finn and Family (Where was step brother, Kurt?).

So many fun one liners like, “Honesty. Respect. Dance. Those are the foundations of the Berry family.” And my favorite, “No vocal runs. That's how Jennifer Hudson got kicked off American Idol.”

And bug eyed Jeff Godblum has a deal with the devil. His purple sweater fail to hide his still ripped physique and when you consider that he was the FLY way back in 1986 and he actually looks better now…CROM!

Rachel

Her night time regimen was hilarious! "An ice-water bath, à la Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest. The height of glamor." And she looked awesome, while getting serenaded, in that smart red coat.

Brittany & Santana

Wheel-chair driven Funk. Photo: Fox Publicity.

When did they become a couple? And Santana looked beautiful during their V-Day date. I paused when the screen flashed on Brittany’s list of songs that go through her head whenever she thinks of Santana:

"Purple People Eater"
"Disco Duck"
"Monster Mash"
"On Top of Spaghetti"
"Pac-Man Fever"
"Osama Yo' Mama"
"Diff'rent Strokes Theme Song"

The Fun Competition for Rich-Brittany

At first I thought, “Who the hell are these two other people in Artie's love triangle and where did they come from? She’s like Brittany with money, and getting all the lines that Brittany used to get. And that doughy little fella looks like Alfred E. Neuman. I don’t give a rat’s ass about either of them!” But they grew on me (a little) and I liked the competition between the two blokes to win a date with Rich-Brittany. Especially Artie’s wheelchair driven funk of "Let Me Love You."

And best of all….

The God Squad

If I were in High School and the God Squad consisted of the prettiest girl, the two best looking dudes, and a sassy sista with a ferocious set of pipes, I’d certainly claim to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior so I could hang with them. Truth be told, I could have taken a whole hour of Quinn, Mercedes, Trouty Mouth, and “Teen Jesus” (that's some heavenly bone structure!). Loved their discussion of the bible and both of their performances.

And guess what? I thought Trouty Mouth was great on that rap. Yeah I said it!

The Bad

Photo: Fox Publicity.

Mercedes ugly outfit

That horrible t-shirt/pink pants ensemble was not cute and creeping way too close to visible camel-toe territory. Now that I think about it, maybe that was the reason two men were visibly weeping while she was singing. “Sniff. She’s going to embarrass herself in that get-up! At any moment there could be substantial amounts of moose-knuckle. Waaaaaaaah!”

The Gorilla Suit

I was happy to see Karofsky (and intrigued by his run in with a Aaron Hill from Greek) at Breadsticks, but having him walking around in a dumb gorilla suit, handing out Valentines to Kurt, was also not cute.

Finn

What the f*ck Finn? I don’t know if all this can be blamed on the writing. Maybe the actor, Cory Montooth, has checked out. What happened to Finn’s mojo? His virility has all but vanished and he used to be the alpha-male. Now he’s rivaling Kurt for the male with the least amount of testosterone.

The Ugly

Black Man Weeping

When Mercedes big ass, football playing boyfriend wept openly, like Moaning Myrtle, as she warbled “I Will Always Love You” it took everything in me not to call Rev. Al Sharpton (who I have on speed-dial for occasions such as this) to tell him there was a black person in the throes of humiliationand in dire need of a spokesperson, a press conference, and media representation.

“Yeah Al you heard me correctly. He got dumped for a white dude, however fine, but now he’s blubbering like the littlest of bitches and it’s just not dignified. And during Black History Month no less!”

Mercedes replacing Kurt as Queen of needless, trumped up drama

Despite the weepy brother, I enjoyed “I will Always Love You” but the writing leading up to it was sh*t. There was absolutely no reason for Mercedes to sing it Trouty Mouth, since there was nothing standing in the way of them being together! So the writers had her reach into the “Logic-free, Needless Drama and Nonsense Bag” that Kurt used to carry around with him, and spout some stupidity about not knowing herself. Here’s a tip: When Trouty Mouth shows up looking for love you don’t think - you just sit on his face.

Blaine & The Love Shack

Photo: Fox Publicity.

Things were going so well. Then in the last five minutes of the show an eye-patch sporting Blaine returned to preen, mug, and chew the scenery and try to get the B-52’s "Love Shack" off the ground. I shuddered as I remembered how I broke up with Glee on the first episode of this season after "We Got the Beat" failed to launch.

Blaine may be annoying, but when he is on, he’s on (google his "Teenage Dream" and "Wanna Be Starting Something"). He was lost here, though. I CRINGED when they trotted out Kurt to sing the Fred Schneider part. How predictable. They should have had side-lined, bad boy Puck on that part to keep it fresh.

Had they replaced that portion with some Sue & Roz time, they would have pulled me back IN!

Well played, Kara! And oh so close!

Morning Announcements

Questions, comments, sarcastic remarks

"I like Carol after three Chardonnays!" - LeRoy Berry (Brian Stokes Mitchell) about Finn's mom
"We're finally getting married." - Rachel / "When is the baby due?" - Artie
"Yeah, they say that one out of every ten people are gay. And my guess is Simon because that name's the gayest." - Mercedes
"Teen lesbians." - Principle Figgins
The dreadlocked dude's character is Joe Hart (played by Samuel Larsen). Larsen is one of two Glee Project winners (the other is Damian McGinty, who plays Irish lad Rory). While both were crowned winners and given story arch, creator Ryan Murphy also gave a few eps to runners up Lindsay Pearce and Alex Newell. We've already seen Pearce as a rival glee club member, and Newell's yet to be seen. Larsen's character was originally intended to be a badass, but during the Glee Project it came out that he's a devout Christian, which Murphy decided to work into Glee, since "we haven't had a Christian character yet" and it's something he wanted to explore.

Michael Knows Best: Sagely Answers for the Contemporary Bohemian

2012-02-14T20:59:00.000-08:00

Once again I have returned from the peat bogs of ignorance to deliver unto you, our dear reader, the bog mummies of enlightenment. Let not your hearts be troubled for I am here to address your worldly concerns. Please send all questions, invoices and hate mail to mike@teawithlemon.com

Now let's get started...


Send all questions not relating to free speech to editor@teawithlemon.com

Q: The Hunger Games is pretty intense. How are kids reading this stuff!? I'm a grown adult and I'm having nightmares!

- Shaking in Seattle

A: This is a problem I’ve encountered on numerous occasions. Do not fret yourself for I have a self-improvement plan that you may immediately put into action; However, I would first like to take the opportunity to address the root of your defect.

Somehow you have incredibly managed to not let the modern world turn you into a callous, hollow shell of a human being. Perhaps you march to the beat of your own drummer. This is wrong. You must expose yourself to reality and there will be no room for fear… Only post-traumatic stress.

If you are allowing yourself to be unnerved by books, movies, television, radio programs or rape allegations then you simply have not exposed yourself to current events. Keep yourself up-to-date on current legislation, or better yet watch a corporate owned entity masquerading as hub of journalistic integrity, and the ceiling of reality should come crashing down upon you.

Take for instance the recent sweeping approval of congress for the FAA Re-Authorization Act. Part of its provisions includes the order for the FAA to develop regulations for the use of commercial drones in US airspace. That means by 2020 you could be kept safe by 30,000 government operated surveillance UAVs! Don’t you feel safer now that we have been able to brush aside that pesky 4^th amendment?

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2012/feb/7/coming-to-a-sky-near-you/

http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/319564

http://www.emorywheel.com/detail.php?n=30685

With these bite sized tidbits of reality how could you even allow yourself to be fazed by mere fiction? In fact, a televised battle to the death should seem like a cakewalk compared to the trials our generation is about to endure. Sleep tight!

Q: One of my girlfriends always gets black out drunk when we go out. To make matters worse, she’s an angry drunk and is extremely embarrassing. How can I get her to class it up?

- Contorting in Carlsbad

A: Well I’m sorry to inform you that I’ve imagined what your girlfriend might say about the situation and we think that you’re the one with the problem. It’s like we’re just trying to have a good time, alright? Why do you like have to go and spoil everything?

This is our night. This is about us. Just because you can’t like hold your liquor doesn’t mean you have to go around beating a wet blanket. You think just because you don’t have a kid at home and you can get a promotion without sleeping with your manager that you’re prettier than us. You’re not pretty. We’re like pretty. You’re not our friend. You’ve never been our friend.

And if we’re not classy then why did you take that top and never give it back to us? So what if you look better in it? So what if it compliments your figure more? We still picked it out and you took it from us. Because you’re jealous. You’ve like always been jealous.

It’s like we try to be there for you but like when we need you for us then you’re not there. I just want you to respect us and for you to cut us a break when we want to have a good time. Do you have a cigarette? We should have a cigarette… you bitch.

Q: I have zero intention of getting married in my life, and find the institution of marriage in general as a fairly pointless thing. For the most part I keep this fact to myself since I don’t want to make others feel bad or uncomfortable about their decision to get married.

However, I tend to get incredibly annoyed when I am expected by friends and family to attend a ridiculous number of pointless pre-wedding events, all of which come with the added pressure of buying things off their registry which I know they don’t need.

What is the best way to decline attending these events without insulting our friendship and/or their decision to get married?

- Blissfully Unmarried in San Diego

A: I’m afraid this is an extremely delicate situation. Even in light of the current divorce rates people still tend to take these major-trivial events of their lives by marginally serious standards. You must act with grace and poise or you will find your social standing sinking more swiftly than Whitney Houston in a bathtub.

The only way to combat a nonsensical request is with a nonsensical response. Reject your attendance on religious grounds. Religion has long been the refuge for those who cannot make justifiable claims. More than that, religion is the mortar on which we lay our bricks of separation. Use it as such.

If they’re Jewish then say you’re Muslim. If they’re Muslim say you’re Jewish. If they’re Christian tell them they are not taking sacrament properly. Don’t worry. Christianity is such a tangled web of theology that it will fly.

In the future be sure to keep in mind that you can use religion to diffuse or create any awkward social situation that you desire.

Q: I’m an Apple head…. I own or covet every product Apple makes. I worship at the Church of Apple. I just got Apple TV for crying out loud. I work at a place that uses these crappy ass PCs with Microsoft (I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth thinking about it). How can I get them to convert to Apple?

- Amorous for Apples

A: There is an ancient Chinese proverb that goes, “Yi ke lao shu shi huai le yi guo zhou.” In the unlikely event that you have not been brushing up on your Zhōngwén then this would roughly translate to, “One mouse dropping ruins the whole pot of rice porridge.” This comes down to us English speakers as the adage, “One bad apple spoils the bunch.” And there you have your answer.

I’m afraid that if your employer even brought one Apple “PC” into the workplace then the other computers would be tempted to act like overpriced, inefficient toys. In that event, productivity would grind to a halt and company profits would plummet. Layoffs would ensue and your former co-workers would be forced into prostitution to pay for black tar heroin, Top Ramen and Netflix.

Faced with the reality of your current situation you can begin to comprehend why your employer is your employer and you, the employee, are his employee. In the off chance that you grow a pair of opposable digits I would be proud to build you a real computer for a nominal fee.

Now if you’ll excuse me iMust respond to some texts on my iPhone.

The S.B.D. Smelled Round the World: The Vow Non-Review

2012-02-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

"To make sure this night is extra special I've prepared our favorite dish...burritos!"

The Vow, asks the question, “What if 5 years of your life disappeared?” Clearly enough people were interested to propel this to a $41 million opening! I was not one of them. I was blackmailed into seeing this in order to see Chronicle tonight, and I'm still bitter about it.

After a car accident, the wife (Rachel McAdams, needing only to look perplexed, and succeeding) is in a coma. When she wakes up, she remembers nothing of the past several years of her life, including the love of her life, her newlywed husband (Channing Tatum needing only to look earnest and hot, and triumphs on the hot part). "Based on a true couple" (this info flashes onscreen at end of movie, to my audible groan). But for me to give a review of this predictable and trite film is futile. As proven by it's rotten, Rotten Tomatoes rating, This film is critic-proof, as evidenced by my bubbly, adorable (and none too bright) co-worker Andrea, who thoroughly enjoyed it ("Omigod! Do you think he used an ass double?"), and I’m sorry if you get dragged to it tonight, against your will.

The Vow should be utterly forgettable moments after you've left the cinema but it commits three unforgivable crimes. I will share those with you, after the jump!

Crime #1: It should have only been 10 minutes in length

The Vow (Director's Cut)

Amnesia Patient: Who's that big palooka? (pointing to Channing Tatum)
Doctor: Your husband.
Amnesia Patient: CROM! What the hell are we wasting time for here? Who gives a sh*t if my memory ever comes back. He doesn't look like he can remember too much either. It looks like it hurts him to think. Each time will be like the first time. Release me at once so I can go home and get it crackin'.

Credits Roll

Crime #2 It wastes Jessica Lange

Fresh from her triumphant role on American Horror Story, Jessica Lange flutters around in a thankless role as Rachel McAdam’s mum. It is completely beneath her.

Crime #3: The Silent But Deadly Smelled Round the World

"Can you blast more gas for me? I love the smell of your poots!"

When Channing Tatum farts in an automobile, Rachel McAdams ROLLS UP THE WINDOW TO KEEP THE SMELL INSIDE, as a display of her love and utter devotion to him.

Yup.

That scene should have been saved for a film FAR more interesting and unpredictable than this!

Good Day and Good Luck

My Personal Top 5 As Diva Takes Permanent Dirt Nap: RIP Whitney Houston

2012-02-13T15:25:00.000-08:00

In her prime, before the drugs and a man took hold ("I might have known, there is always some man," sang the Pimp in "Lovely Ladies," from Les Miserables) Whitney Houston was in a class ALL by herself. Regal in stature and voice, she just had that X factor in spades. So I just wanted to post something about her and I settled on sharing my personal top 5 favorite Whitney Houston songs.

Videos and list available, after the jump!

5. I Will Always Love You (Turned Dolly's sweet little, heartbreaking song into a defiant threat!)

4. You Give Good Love (May hold the record for song that I've sung the most in the shower...badly)

3. I Believe In You and Me (Love how Denzel Washington loses his sh*t in this clip!)

2. Saving All My Love For You (Slutty homewrecking and infidelity never sounded so good. Love love love how Whitney is cast as the villain in this video!)

1. Shoop Shoop (Exhale)

Don't even get me started on Shoop.

And for an added bonus: Whitney & Mimi singing beautifully together in, When You Believe

Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston - When You Believe. Watch more top selected videos about: Whitney Houston, The Prince of Egypt

Peace out. Nippy

GreenTech Geek: Mind candy ... and missing Whitney

2012-02-13T09:29:00.000-08:00

That's it. This is all you get from me this week. Sometimes the GreenTech Geek just gets overwhelmed by current events and needs to give his mental synapses a rest. The death of Whitney Houston -- who enriched the soundtrack of much of my life -- has sent me into a little bit of a hibernatorial mode. But you can visit joyoftech.com, home of this cartoon, for your geeky tech fix until I return next week with a more fulsome post.

But hey, I still got Whitney on my mind. After the jump ...

This just in. I'm feeling way better now, after seeing Jennifer Hudson's unforgettable tribute to Whitney Houston last night at the Grammies. It boggles the mind to think of the pain and the deaths Jennifer has recently endured in her own family ... and then to be tasked with embodying a nation's grief for a lost legend with that legend's signature song, blending what must be so much of Jennifer's own pain with ours -- her grief for her family with our grief for Whitney -- while staying so poised and sharing a voice as beautiful in its own way as Whitney's.

Not sure how long this video will be accessible, but here it is:

"She had everything, beauty, a magnificent voice. How sad her gifts could not bring her the same happiness they brought us."
-- Barbra Streisand on the death of Whitney Houston

And, oh heck, I guess I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the curious mega-long commercial for Chipotle that interrupted the Grammy drama last night with a beautiful Coldplay song sung by Willie Nelson extolling the virtues of sustainable agriculture, treating the animals we eat more kindly, and being nicer to the Earth ...

The Walking Dead Recap: Nebraska

2012-02-13T00:55:00.000-08:00

Try to hug your dead zombie mom: great idea!

Photo credit: www.blogs.amctv.com

Let's Get This Party Started... 49 Minutes In
by SDMattchew

To those of you who read my article of a few days ago that detailed the last two seasons of The Walking Dead, and who felt sufficiently educated – even excited – to catch the mid-season premiere, I owe you an apology. How could I have known they were going to stoop to using 49 minutes of "Nebraska" to give viewers the rundown on what happened in the season’s first half?

Characters called each other by name when it wasn’t necessary. They talked a lot about their feelings about the bloodbath in the previous episode.

"I can’t believe so-and-so did that."

And then: "Well, I can believe so-and-so did that. It made a lot of sense."

Nothing but dull, shameless recap.

What the group didn’t do was head to Nebraska, as the episode title would seem to suggest. That would have been a lot more interesting. Instead, the group "dealt with a lot of things."

Find out what these things were… and about the episode’s one cool scene… after the jump!

Where do you go from greatness? The basic problem with this episode lay in the fact that the last one was a tough act to follow.

Things began at the exact moment where they left things off (a cinematic move I always appreciate). In this case, just after Rick blew Sophia’s head off. There was a cool scene that followed where Herschel’s daughter, Beth, goes to sob over her now dead zombie mom, but dead zombie mom decides she’s not done with her zombie fun yet. She rises up and snatches Beth. For this, mom winds up taking a sickle to the skull. Certainly one of the episode’s finer moments, even if a bit predictable.

After that, the characters started wondering what to do with all the bodies (burn them or bury them?). Who was to blame for what happened? Should there even be blame?

I tuned out for the next 40 minutes or so. However I did catch several plot points that may prove to be critical to the remainder of Season 2… or they may not:

Shane blames Herschel for the group wasting the entirety of Season 2 hunting for Sophia. Herschel must have known she was in the barn, right? How could he have not known a little girl was in there?
Beth collapses in the farm’s kitchen, and the group's diagnosis of this collapse is that she’s "in shock" from her family being slaughtered. (Come on, people. She’s obviously sick - scratched or something by her mom earlier. She’ll go zombo soon enough.)
Maggie tells Glenn she loves him. Naturally Glenn acts like an idiot when he gets this news and refuses to notice what he’s got going on – that being something sexual with the farmer’s daughter. Can you find a more beautiful cliché than that..?! He later tells Rick: "Never had a woman say that to me before... except my mom or my sisters." No kidding, Glenn.
Herschel takes off to a local bar to hit the bottle, which he swore off years ago. Rick and Glenn go after him.

It’s now 48 minutes into the show. Beth is running a fever and Lori decides (for whatever reason) that she needs to take it upon herself to go to the bar and catch up with Rick, Glenn, and Herschel. Somewhere en route, she’s reading a map and not watching where she’s going. Neither does the walker in the middle of the road. She bangs into him, then loses control of the car and flips it.

Here's where things finally get started...

Rick and Glenn have just finished their dull discussion with Herschel as two strangers from Philly wander into the bar. One of them is the actor who played "Rene the serial killer" from True Blood Season 1. I knew then these guys were definitely not to be trusted.

This was a scene that really examples what happens when the writing goes well on this show. The two guys from Philly begin asking Rick in the friendliest possible way where he, Herschel, and Glenn are staying. Of course Rick won’t give that up. Herschel hates visitors.

We'll make an interesting episode outta this yet!

Photo credit: www.blogs.amctv.com

Guns are pulled out, but in the vein of "hey, we’ll put ‘em on the counter. Relax."

The tension gradually building…

Drinks were poured. Moral of the story here: guns and alcohol definitely do not mix.

Rick winds up blowing both of the Philly guys away with his revolver when one makes a move for his gun.

Great scene, but where are we left? Rick has possibly won over Herschel with his Wild West routine. But will Shane wind up turning the group against Herschel?

Will anyone leave the farm alive?

Again... my apologies, fans. Hopefully next week’s episode will leave us with more interesting things to chew on.

The Awards Witch: Grammy Awards 2012 Live Blog

2012-02-12T16:59:00.000-08:00

54th Annual Grammy Awards poster, designed by
architect Frank Gehry. Photo: Grammys.

Live From The Staples Center
by The Awards Witch

This is the year of Adele. She's up for 6 Grammy's tonight (she should win ALL of them) and is destroying her competition. She could literally shit platinum right now, and instead of it getting sold with Jesus Cornflakes on eBay, it would go the British Museum next to Oliver Cromwell's huge skull.

If I were one of the unfortunate artists nominated against her tonight, I would either a.) skip hair and makeup, put on the gown and shoes, alert TMZ to my location and get sloshed and make some really bad decisions for some press or b.) go dressed for the Prom and pull a Kanye for as many of her acceptance speeches as I could until being invited to leave. It's a no-win situation (ha! literally!) for these poor bastards.

All this means this witch couldn't be happier! LOVE Adele! And as much as I love some Mumford and Sons, if they are going to lose to someone, I'm down with it being my girl.

If you checked out my Grammy predictions, you heard all about Little Witchy and her crazy fascination with Adele: posters on her bedroom door, chastising strangers about Adele's disappointment with their life decisions, and random other weird things that only my 3 year old could conjure up. But you haven't heard this yet...

To balance the bitter, here's some sweet. Wait for
the chorus, folks...it's legen-wait for it-dary.

And away we go...

8:00 pm: Jersey, Bitches! The Boss is kicking off the Grammys! Must be all that Asbury Park air, but the dude doesn't age. Hmm... his face doesn't pull the Joe Cocker-esque contortions, so it may not be Jersey air...just some good old, Dirty Jerzee Botox. Eh. Whatever. It's Bruce Springsteen.

8:05: LL Cool J looks GOOD... "We've had a death in our family." Classy. And now we are praying for Whitney.

8:06: Holy shit. They were actually praying. Like, hands folded, eyes closed, not sneaking a peek praying. Wow.

8:07: Cue the Whitney tribute: video of her Grammy performance of "I Will Always Love You." Damn, damn, damn. Whitney had an amazing set of pipes.

8:09: Adele getting some LL Love. And "Sir O.G. McCartney." I have just decided that Ladies Love Cool James is my favorite Grammy host of all time. OF ALL TIME, Kanye!

8:11: Bruno Mars and his huge head and Richie Valens hair is singing. Little Witchy just pointed out to me that he is "not Adele, mommy." Astute judgement. Now if only she would stop picking boogers for me, because its bedtime.

8:13: Bruno Mars just told the audience to "Get off your rich asses and start dancing!" Touche. And now it really is bedtime.

8:20: Bonnie Raitt and ~~Judy Jetson~~ Alicia Keys are doing a Dead Sea Scrolls tribute to the performers who passed this year. Reminded how awesome Bonnie Raitt is, and wondering why I haven't heard any of her new music lately.

8:23: And they are announcing Best Pop Solo Performance. Lady Gaga looks like Hannibal Lector dressed up as a dominatrix dressed up as a nun. And the Grammy goes to...duh. People. Seriously. Adele. And she looks LOVELY.

8:25: Chris Brown is performing. I'm going to the bathroom. I drank a gallon of water so that I would be awhile.

8:35: Fergie in her beach cover up and Marc Anthony's unbuttoned shirt are announcing Best Rap Performance. JayZ and Kanye pulled it off for Otis. DAMMIT!!! They aren't here! WTF, Kanye? Are you blacklisted from awards shows? PISSED!

8:37: Kelly Clarkson and some dude in a cowboy hat are singing. It sounds like something Phil Collins wrote in 1988. The cowboy, Jason Aldean, has the wrong buttons on his suit jacket buttoned. Fail. Fire the stylist, although I bet it was his significant other and that would be awkward. Golf clap. Also, I've just been informed her colorist has been on vacation for about three months. That wasn't intentional.

8:47: These are some insanely long commercial breaks. Damn it. Hello, Jack Black.

8:48: Foo Fighters! Performing live OUTSIDE the Grammys for all the poor people!

8:54: Commercial sneak peak of Rihanna. She looks like a strung out Farrah Fawcett performing a walk of shame from a gas station. You are way too pretty for this, girl. I am seriously hoping my contacts were effed up for the two second shot. Oy.

8:56: Well, it appears I should be paying my eye doctor at Mancine Optical a little more, because these contacts work AMAZINGLY well.

8:58: Rihanna and Coldplay. Well, its just Rihanna so far. Waiting impatiently.

9:00: That's better. Sing it, Mr. Martin. Depress me. I like it. Even your Jersey-shore addiction to neon that you have been displaying of late. Its cute.

9:06: So at the hour (and six minute, give a girl a break) mark, only two Grammys have been distributed. And you people thought the OSCARS dragged on.

9:10: The Chipotle Farm commercial is the best minute of the night since LL Cool J did the Whitney tribute. Get it together, Grammys. You're losing me, and I actually HAVE to watch this.

9:12: Some of the NY Giants and the creepy chick from NCIS are here to announce Best Rock Performance. Because that makes sense.

9:13: Foo Fighters beat out Mr. Mumford. And his Sons. Bastards.

9:16: Ryan Seacrest is here to save the show. He borrowed Bruno Mars' hairstylist for the evening. But he did introduce Adam Levine. Who is singing Beach Boys and looking...SHIT. Also like he borrowed Bruno Mars' hairstylist. Oh, well. Luckily his face is perfect.

9:21: And here are the Beach Boys. Good Vibrations. If they are singing live, I'm pretty damn impressed. Madonna should be watching. And taking notes. They are about the same age, right?

9:23: Ohhhh...Adam Levine is singing WITH the Beach Boys. I would pay to see this. If Adam Levine was singing with Jimmy Buffett, however... I'd sell the house, my car and all my remaining eggs to see that.

9:28: They are now teasing that Paul McCartney is going to sing next. Hurry up.

9:31: Stevie Wonder. "We all love you Whitney Houston." I love Stevie Wonder. Wait! He is introducing Sir Paul! Classic!

9:32: And this, Madonna Half-Time Show-tacular, is how you go about being an aging performer, somewhat past your prime. This is how you give a showstopping performance, while breakout out a set of overused pipes and make a huge crowd stop in their tracks. Well done, Sir Paul Good on ya.

9:36: Best R&B Album: Chris Brown for Fame. WTF is up with his Marc Anthony shirt and Sirius Black tattoo. And this fool just thanked "Team Breezy." Gag.

9:40: Taylor Swift is singing. I'll be honest, it's not so exciting when Kanye doesn't show the hell up to spook her. She does better with a little fear. Also, this little number is a little too bluegrass-y for me. Yup. I just invented that word. Try to use it tomorrow. She looks like a supertall version of Laura Ingalls Wilder heading for the Prairie tonight, with the rest of the cast of Grapes of Wrath backing her up.

9:45: Incessant Commercial Break #546549874321. Un-effing-real. I can't recall another broadcast of anything with more commercials. And I tend to be a 4:00 am-so-I-can-see-it-live Olympics viewer. This is insane.

9:50: Neil Patrick Harris announcing Song of the Year. He states he is telling no jokes. I am disappoined. I need some amusement with this show. I haven't even seen LL for about 20 minutes or so.

9:51: Adele for Rolling in the Deep. My girl is on a roll! Also, her last name is Adkins, apparently, so if this singing thing hits the shit for her, she has a long career in porn.

9:53: Katy Perry performing E.T. Where the FU%R&% is KANYE?!?!?!?! I am calling bullshit. And the performance just got all messed up like an Andy Kaufman joke, and she reappeared to sing a song I don't know. Her hair is blue and crimped, and she is wearing a shiny silver and gold ensemble. Not for anything, but her stylist must have LOVED Jem and the Holograms back in the day.

9:57: Miranda Lambert and Some Guy Who is Hotter Than Her Husband are introducing Best Country Album. Her husband is nominated. This could be pleasingly awkward.

9:58: AWKWARD!

9:59: Lady Antebellum. Who knew they had a song other than the one that chronicled my early 20's...

10:00: Ugh. Grammy announcer just informed us that Gwyneth Paltrow would be introducing Adele. I'm going to have to time this bathroom break with razor-like precision.

10:05: I did not time that right. LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA....

10:06: ROLLING IN THE DEEP! Kicked it off A CAPELLA!! And she looks amazing!!!

10:11: Unreal. Unbelievable. That was the performance of a lifetime. And a standing "O" that's still going on.

10:13: Not to beat a dead horse, but she didn't just sing that song, she SANG it. Holy hell. Thank you for not disappointing me, Grammy. I cannot wait to play that back for Little Witchy. She is going to dance her face off.

10:16: Taylor Swift is back, announcing Glen Campbell. I do NOT like her dress. But I actually do like The Band Perry. The girl reminds me a lot of Sheryl Crow when she was younger. Her brothers remind me of one of the BeeGee's (stage right) and John Mayer in a Jim Morrisson Halloween costume (stage left.)

10:19: Blake Shelton, straight off his loss for Country Album, where he was forced to watch his wife give it up to some other dude (the award, get your mind out of the gutter) is singing a song that I bet is called "Southern Sky." I am pretty sure the girl behind him is a contestant on The Voice this year. He introduces Glen Campbell, The Rhinestone Cowboy. Taylor Swift just pointed out that he retired because he has Alzheimers. 1.) Wow. He's doing pretty well, not even taking into consideration his age or condition. 2.) This is a pretty ballsy move for the producers. This could have gone horribly wrong, with shades of Dick Clark on New Years Eve.

10:31: Carrie Underwood and Tony Bennett singing It Had To Be You. I am reminded of Marla belting this out in A League of Their Own. The moment is ruined.

10:33: Best New Artist goes to...Bon Iver. Hmmm. I had this as a "Should Win" in my predictions. Good. However, this guy looks like he sits outside of schools in a white maintenance van with a bag of candy and a puppy leash with no puppy. Time for a stylist that doesn't work at Sears, my man.

10:36: Short about The Grammy Foundation. The music started playing about 20 seconds in, and I thought he was getting played off for a minute. I laughed at the bad production. I snorted juice. Then I realized that I was the asshole and that I should be paying better attention.

10:39: Dead Sea Scrolls. Crazy how many awesome performers passed this year. And yes, they spliced in Whitney. Because the entire production team responsible for the Dead Sea Scrolls hasn't slept since yesterday afternoon.

10:43: Jennifer Hudson (looking amazing, btw) is singing I Will Always Love You. God bless her, but the thought that every single person watching this is thinking is "This doesn't hold a candle to Whitney." And it doesn't. And Jennifer Hudson is more than capable, which only goes to show you how special Whitney Houston was. What a stark contrast.

10:45: She (smartly) does not go for the glory note. Because if you can't do it as good as Whitney, you shouldn't do it. The audience rewards this decision with a big, fat standing "O."

10:54: Little Wayne, Chris Brown (thank you, team Breezy!!) and some dude with a stupid Mickey Mouse head are performing. Oh, and David Guetta. Wait. And the Foo Fighters again. Yeah, I'm not feeling this. I'm going to take this time to do some spell check. I can't watch Dave Grohl actively disappoint me.

11:01: Do these producers know what time Little Witchy is going to be awake in the morning? This show is pissing me off.

11:05: Nicki Minaj. This is not a good idea. She is performing Roman Holiday... And it's starting with her and a priest in a confessional. And we are skipping to a movie, where a priest shows up to ahouse to exorcise her demons. Back to the live show. She's chained to a wall, and questionably singing live. There are dancing priests. I'm pretty sure she just got herself excommunicated. Also, the Pope's pretty old. They may not even want to allow him to see this. Christ knows what will happen.

11:09: Now they are singing Adeste Fidelis and she is levitating. I want this to be over.

11:10: Lady Antebellum is announcing Record of the Year. Which makes sense because they won this category last year. See?

11:11: Adele. What do you want to bet she had 100% of the votes?

11:17: If I squint really hard and out my fingers in my ears, I can kind of make it seem like Adele is really anyone from any of the Harry Potter movies winning a legitimate award at a legitimate awards show. Love the accent.

11:19: LL just announced Diana Ross. Even better, they played him in to Mama Said Knock You Out. How infinitely awesome would it be if her were to perform that? Now?

11:20: Album of the Year. Please, please don't eff this up, Grammy Voters.

11:21: And that is how you sweep the Grammys, bitches.

11:21: Oh, my God. When she cries and wins awards, she sounds just like Kate Winslet crying and winning awards! Haha. I do love the Brits.

11:22: She was crying so hard she booged on live TV, wiped it, and said "oh, I've got a bit of snot!" Wow. Now I get it. Now I understand why Little Witchy idolizes this woman. Its not the voice. Little Witchy is the booger kid who hands over boogers she picks for me all the time. Adele is a grown up booger kid.

11:24: Paul McCartney is making my night here. With the Foo Fighters, who were apparently hired to be the house band tonight and Bruce Springsteen. There is a lot of guitar jamming and cuts to Sir Paul's (much) younger wife. It is fairly awesome. He is older than my dad, has sweaty pits, and is clearly having the time of his life.

11:33: Just to point out how often this witch is right, Adele did win ALL 6 of the awards she was nominated for. It would have been so much better if Kanye had shown up and...well...pulled a Kanye...

11:35: And that's a wrap! Oscars are next, predictions coming soon! Maybe Adele can somehow win some of them, too. Check back on Sunday, February 26 for the Academy Awards! I'll be blogging all the mean shit you are afraid to say out loud!

Supernatural Recap: Plucky Pennywhistle's Magic Menagerie

2012-02-11T22:16:00.000-08:00

Unicorns are Evil. Obviously.

by Joshowa

It is pretty easy to recap the plot of this week’s episode. When people start dying in strange ways, Dean and Sam investigate Plucky Pennywhistle’s Magical Menagarie, a clown-themed, Chuck E. Cheese-type restaurant. They soon find that an Howard, an employee, is using magic to bring children’s fears to life, and then using those fears to murder bad parents. Howard uses this magic to murder a janitor stool-pigeon and to summon evil clowns to sic on Sam. Dean discovers Howard’s plot, uses the spell to bring Howard’s own fear to life and saves Sam from the clowns. In the meantime, Sam confronts his clown phobia and Dean apologizes for sometimes being a terrible big brother.

Yes. This happened.
Photo Credit: Funnyjunk

It’s easy to summarize because this episode was not about plot. It was about giving the viewers a fun, emotional break after such a heavy, emotional episode. From the clown-colored title card to the unicorn shooting rainbow out of its behind, it was pretty obvious that we weren’t meant to take this adventure very seriously. Whether or not you enjoy these kind of lighthearted outings depends heavily on how much you expect each episode to advance the overall mythos.

It also depends on how you feel about clowns. Are they the fun, entertaining embodiment of silliness and whimsy? Or are they creepy, giggling creatures from the depths of your most disturbing nightmares? Hollywood seems to think they belong in the second camp.

Follow the jump to see how the Plucky Pennywhistle clowns stack up against some of the more famous scary clowns in entertainment!

Cavities are nothing to laugh at.
Photo Credit: The CW

The Plucky Pennywhistle Clowns
Through twisted magic, this deadly due was called to life with jacked-up grills and murder in their eyes. Wielding seltzer and tire irons, these clowns have no trouble keeping up their psychotic giggling whether they are getting beat up or putting the smack down.
Scary or a Joke? They bleed glitter and gunshots don’t slow them down, making the Plucky Pennywhistle clowns kooky yet frightening. Luckily for Sam, they were more into toying with their prey than going for the kill.

A face even a mother can't love.
Photo Credit: Villains Wiki

Pennywise the Dancing Clown from Stephen King’s “It”
This homicidal clown is actually a terrible force of evil that reappears every thirty years for some murder and mayhem. When he’s not getting his kicks torturing the group of seven friends who dare oppose him, he’s baring his razor sharp teeth and killing children. Delightful!
Scary or a Joke? Tim Curry as Pennywise talking to a small child through a storm drain might be one of the creepiest scenes in movie history. Do not invite this clown to your birthday party.

Act now and you can also get the adorable
Susie Strangleface for an additional $19.99!
Photo Credit: Mandajuice

The Clown Doll from Poltergeist
This nightmare has a double creep factor going on - he’s both a clown and a doll. That plastered grin, the nonstop staring and the long arms all just scream “sinister.” Why Robbie didn’t boot that creepy freak out the door instead of just throwing a sheet over it is still a mystery.
Scary or a Joke? While his disappearing and reappearing act certainly scared the crap out of children in the 80s, he loses creep points for not actually murdering anyone.

Hey girl! What's Brad up to today?
Photo Credit: Diary of a Genre Addict

Killer Klowns from Outer Space
These space aliens who just happen to look like clowns used killer cream pies, monster popcorn and cotton candy to stun and trap helpless. Once incapacitated, the Klowns would suck the “life juice” from their victims.
Scary or Joke? While their exaggerated proportions do lend to their overall creepiness, the clowns in this campy cult classic are played more for laughs than scares.

Angst is hilarious!
Photo Credit: American Juggalo

The Juggalos
Fans of the Insane Clown Posse “band” paint their faces and a meet up once a year for the “Gathering of the Juggalos.” These Juggalos often listen to horror-themed rap music, wear their hair in spider dreads, drink Faygo soda and shout the blood-curdling phrase “whoop whoop.”
Scary of a Joke? The scariest thing about these clowns are the infectious diseases they could be carrying.

On the run from good taste
Photo Credit: McDonalds

Ronald McDonald
The face of the McDonald’s fast-food franchise, Ronald spends his time pushing greasy french fries, mystery meat burgers and chicken McNuggets on children everywhere. His favorite tactic? Promising kids that these sodium-filled dinners are actually “Happy Meals.” Oh and he sometimes does some charity work out of his house.
Scary or a Joke? Hide yo’ wife! Hide yo’ kids! Ronald be giving heart disease to er’body!

Overall, the Plucky Pennywhistle clowns do a decent job of carrying on the grand entertainment tradition of using clowns to inspire more terror than frivolity. Still, exploding into a cloud of glitter is definitely going to hurt their street cred.

Supernoteral

“Guy in his thirties hanging out at a Plucky’s alone. Yeah that’s normal. Not pervy at all.” - Dean at Sam’s suggestion he keep tabs on the employees.
Sam dealing with the clowns and fear they inspired gave Jared Padalecki a chance to pull off some more great physical comedy.
It’s about time we got to see Dean laugh for real. Sure, he was laughing at his younger brother’s psychological trauma, but it’s been too long since we’ve seen a genuine smile.
“You look like you got attacked by some PCP-crazed strippers.” - Dean in reference to Sam being covered in clown glitter.
I can't decide if my favorite detail was the way the clown ran when chasing Sam or the guy in a lion suit trying to turn a door handle with his paws.
Will Dean really stick with his “no booze” policy?

Next week, it’s time for more demon trouble as Sam And Dean face off against one of the black-eyed baddies from their past!

Gingerbreadmama Bite: Whitney Houston Dead!

2012-02-11T18:38:00.000-08:00

Should have stuck to herb only.

There are no official details on cause of death, but her publicist has confirmed that she is dead. Rumors are of a drug overdose in a Beverly Hills hotel. She was set to party at the Grammys and might have tied on one too many. Check back Friday for the full scoop!

The Awards Witch: Grammy 2012 Predictions

2012-02-11T18:37:00.000-08:00

Image credit THR

Grammy Awards 2012: Adele Wins Sunday Night Smackdown!

by The Awards Witch

Poor everyone-but-Adele. It must suck to get all dressed up only to have the camera man in your face to catch your disappointment and thinly veiled anger when you lose... All. Night. Long....
As a diehard Mumford and Sons fan, I am only slightly disappointed they should only win one award (for one of two categories they are not head to head with your girl) as Adele's 21 was a MONSTER of an album (the first album since Pearl Jam's Ten that I can listen to start to finish without skipping) and truly deserving of having almost all of the major acceptance speeches sound like Mary Poppins with a cold...

Here are some predictions to get you though the night, along with some wishful thinking:

after the jump!

Record of the Year
Will Win: Adele for Rolling in the Deep
Should Win: Adele for Rolling in the Deep
Upset: Bon Iver for Holocene

Reasoning: Do I really need one? Rolling in the Deep is a HUGE song. Huge in a "not so repetitive that its an annoying ear worm" (a la Umbrella) way but in a "this song is so damn good that Grammy voters will mark the ballot with the blood of their firstborn" way. Bon Iver is a ballsy enough choice to snag a few votes for a robbery, but I think its pretty safe to say this is the beginning of Adele pulling a Michael Phelps.

Album of the Year
Will Win: Adele for 21
Should Win: Adele for 21
Upset: Really? No chance.

Reasoning:  Have you heard this album? Why do I need to explain myself here?

Song of the Year
Will Win: Adele for Rolling in the Deep
Should Win: Adele for Rolling in the Deep
Upset: Mumford and Sons for The Cave

Reasoning: Again, I shouldn't need one, but I'll throw another one out for you. My daughter is a DIEHARD Adele fan.  She is also batshit crazy. Case in point: the checkout girl at Whole Foods last night had her lip pierced about 4 times, a nose ring, and spacers in her ears I could have fit my foot through. My kid, Little Witchy, asked her what was wrong with her face. 5 times. When the girl finally gave up trying to find an age appropriate description for rebellion and whiskey, and said she didn't know, Little Witchy informed her that Adele wouldn't like her boo-boos on her face. Little Witchy is 3. She has a picture of Adele on her door, and memorzed the words to every song on 21, as well as half of 19, especially Chasing Pavements. Little Witchy has taste. Enough Said.

Best New Artist
Will Win: Someone I've never heard of, if last year is any predictor.
Should Win: Bon Iver
Upset: The Band Perry

Reasoning: I'm going with Skrillex here (and yes, I totally cut and pasted that name, as I have NEVER heard of them, and wanted to make sure I spelled it right). Nicki Minaj is made of plastic Barbie hair and Hello Kitty lunchboxes, so I doubt she gets taken seriously. Also, Adele is not nominated here. She won this shit a few years ago, bitches.

Best Solo Pop Performance
From now on, when Adele is nominated, let's just go with that so I don't get carpal tunnel with all of the "Will win, should win" horseshit, shall we? Excellent.

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance
Will Win: Tony Bennett and Amy Winehouse for Body and Soul
Should Win: Adam Levine and Christina Aguilera for Moves Like Jagger
Upset: Coldplay for Paradise

Reasoning: Winehouse FTW, but only because the voters will feel the need (and perhaps rightfully so) to lament the amazing songs that will never be written and we will all be deprived of hearing. Also, isn't Tony Bennett mentioned as one of Methuselah's sons in the book of Genesis? How is this guy still alive?    Adam and Snooki should pull this off for their monster song (which Little Witchy LOVES, by the way.) Coldplay only because they are British.

Best Pop Vocal Album
21. Duh.

Best Dance Recording
Ok, seriously, I'm skipping the routine on this one to call it for Barbara Streisand. I had no idea she had a dance song, and the whole idea is so effing absurd that there is ZERO chance that Babs doesn't snag this. It will be even funnier if she accepts in character as Yentl.

Best Rock Performance
Will Win: Mumford and Sons for The Cave
Should Win: Mumford and Sons for The Cave
Upset: Foo Fighters for Walk

Reasoning: The Cave is just some really good shit. I actually got to go to Target alone a few weeks back (never happens to this witch) and on the way there, whatever station I was tuned to on XM played a block of Mumford and Sons, so I got The Cave, Little Lion Man, and Sigh No More all in a row. THEN...the Starbucks drive thru screwed up my drink so I got it for free. I should have bought lottery tickets.  Foo Fighters always manage to squeak by with something though, so I am calling them for Rock Song.

Best Rap Song:
Will Win: Wiz Khalifa for Black and Yellow
Should Win: Wiz Khalifa for Black and Yellow
Upset: Chris Brown for Look at Me Now

Reasoning: Black and Yellow was a pretty good song, and its not my type of music, so I'd vote for it. Chris Brown is an upset only if the voters want to appear progressive at the risk of appearing to be assholes. Also, I want to see if Amber Rose shows up in clothes or just body paint, as if Fantasy Fest in Key West threw up all over her bald ass head.

Best R&B Album:
Will Win: Kelly Price for Kelly
Should WIn: Kelly Price for Kelly
Upset: R. Kelly for Love Letter

Reasoning: Let's face it. Its totally useless for El Debarge to pull out the "W" here if there isn't a hope for Jeri Curl any longer. Also, isn't this dude in jail with Conrad Murray? That would be one bad-ass acceptance speech, live from the showers...

Best Rap Album
Will Win: Jay-Z and Kanye West for Watch the Throne
Should Win: Jay-Z and Kanye West for Watch the Throne
Upset: Kanye West for My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Reasoning: I like when they let Kanye West implode live, so this should be great. Maybe he can kill a puppy or tell some kids there is no Santa Claus or something during his acceptance speech. If Jay-Z has half the brains I think he does, he'll beat 'Ye to the stage and pull a Heisman to keep him away from the microphone.

I am not even going to begin to pontificate on Country Music because I truly don't have a clue who most of the people are. Other than Blake Shelton, but that is only becuase he shares screen time with Adam Levine... sigh.... Also, when did Enya stop getting nominated for Orinoco Flow every year? Looks like Best New Age Album will be bathroom break time.

It will be interesting to see if the production crew, who are clearly in a blind, shitting themselves panic right now, are able to splice Whitney into the Dead Sea Scrolls. Holy Shit. Jobs I Am Glad I Don't Have For a Thousand, please, Alex.

And finally, my performance wish. I try to make one every year for this show. I wish, I wish, I wish that Adele and Mumford and Sons would team up for a performance of Fairytale of New York by The Pogues. This wish also includes Shane McGowen being half lit at the show, annoyed he isn't performing this witch's favorite Christmas carol, and streaking the stage while Kanye West laments via microphone iPhone app that Adele has the best voice of all time. OF ALL TIME!!!!

Tune into the live blog tomorrow night during the show... I am going to kick the blog off with a debut performance you won't want to miss! Grammy's or BUST!!!!

Gingerbreadmama Gossip Wrap: SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!

2012-02-10T19:19:00.000-08:00

This week’s round-up of entertainment highlights

by Gingerbreadmama

Lockdown
Happy 18th birthday Tallulah Willis…sorry mom Demi couldn’t celebrate with ya, as she’s checked into Cirque Lodge in Utah, reportedly being treated for addiction and an eating disorder (a.k.a. the just dumped diet). Sources say, “She's on total lockdown and only talking to a small group of people.”

The EIC would be making inappropriate comments about her now that she's of age but she's not hot.

For the record, although I jest, I do hope Demi gets the treatment she needs to get back on her feet.

Flip-offs and pregnant women
I guess, when you get to be a certain age, you can just say what you want. At least Karl Lagerfeld thinks so, clearly speaking his mind though not making a bunch of sense, “I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She's not alone with implants."

What is most disturbing is that he thought these were implants
Photo: popledge.co.uk

See what else he has to say (it gets worse) after the jump!

And perhaps one of the more confusing statements, in regards to M.I.A. flipping the bird during the Superbowl halftime show, “Nowadays people give the middle finger quite quickly -- it's not the best behavior. Everybody does that, what's new about that? It's just become a bad habit. People in magazines are 50 percent bimbo and 50 percent pregnant women."

How the heck he went from flipping people off to pregnant women in magazines is beyond me but I suppose that sometime with age, does not come wisdom.

Makes sense to me! He's got so much truth to drop he can't help but non sequitur
Photo: contactmusic.com

Someone Do Something! (Written by the EIC)

Before this column was posted, our own blog publisher T sent in the following two photos with comment.

"Isn't she 25? SOMEONE DO SOMETHING"

My response: She'll be a'ight.

Then there is this:

"...not only restored my will to live, but strengthened my resolve and enthusiasm in general. "

And for that we are all grateful!

The bits

Robert Downey Jr. and wife Susan welcomed a boy, Exton Elias.
Marla Sokoloff and hubs had a girl, Elliotte Anne.
Lindsay Sloane and hubs welcomed baby girl Maxwell Lou.
Jason Lee and wife are expecting another baby (his 3rd, her 2nd).
Simon Heldberg (Big Bang Theory) and wife are pregnant with their first child.
The Jay Z/Beyonce baby ridiculousness continues as the couple trademark their daughter’s name. But maybe it’s a good thing since the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office received other filings from peeps (allegedly) looking to cash in on the tot’s famous parentage.
What is with Brad Pitt and the overshares this month? Now he’s talking about his gal pal Angelina’s between the sheets demeanor, “She's still a bad girl. Delightfully so. It's not for public consumption." Then why are you talking about it?!?

He deserves to brag about it a bit, and as a "bad girl" I am sure Angelina loves it

TV bits (Spoilers!!! Read at your own risk)

Bones returns April 5.
Jessica Tuck (True Blood) will guest on Grimm as “Adalind's fellow Hexenbiest mother, Catherine”.
In the episode titled, The Things with Feathers, on Grimm, Azura Skye guests as a kind, mild-mannered bed and breakfast owner named Robin Steinkeller, who also happens to be a Seltenvogel (an extremely rare bird-like creature). An air date for this episode has not been listed yet.
The House series finale is set for May 21.
Ryan Phillippe has signed on for a lead role in an “untitled hour-long pilot (formerly known as Golden Boy) from onetime Brothers & Sisters boss Greg Berlanti and ex-NYPD Blue EP Nicholas Wootton that tracks one cop’s meteoric rise from officer to detective to Police Commissioner.” True Blood‘s Kevin Alejandro and Pushing Daisies Chi McBride also star.
Barry Corbin has been cast as “Merle Tucker, the father of Eric Stonestreet’s Cam” on Modern Family.
Sources say that “NBC has taken its Munsters reboot, Mockingbird Lane, out of the running for a fall 2012 debut in order to give it a little extra finesse.”
Pilot news: “Autumn Reeser (No Ordinary Family) has been cast opposite Andre Braugher in Last Resort, Shawn Ryan’s new drama for ABC, playing a lobbyist for her family’s weapons manufacturing company.”
John Stamos will star opposite comedian T.J. Miller in Fox’s Little Brother, playing a man who discovers he has an ex-con for a half-sibling.
Ellen Barkin is in final talks to co-star in Fox’s Ryan Murphy/Ali Adler blended-family comedy, The New Normal. She’d play the mother of a surrogate for a gay couple.
Glee‘s Mike O’Malley will play the lead character’s father in Prodigy Bully, the comedy pilot he wrote and will exec-produce for Fox.

Movie bits

Naomi Watts will play Princess Diana in the upcoming biopic Caught in Flight, replacing Jessica Chastain.
Billy Connolly joins the cast of The Hobbit, as dwarf warrior Dain Ironfoot.
Hitchcock’s Rebecca, based on the story by Daphne Du Maurier and one of my favorite books and movies, is being remade. This news saddens me but I suppose it’s inevitable as there are so few original ideas these days. Tim Bevan and Eric Fellner will produce and Steven Knight is adapting the script.

The EIC recommends anything by Alfred Hitchcock
Photo: geektyrant.com

Movie openings

Limited Release

Quote of the week:
“My husband can not f––ing throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times." – Gisele defending hubby Tom Brady.

Instantly leap frogged over Eli Manning as the most despised person in the Patriot's locker room

Aww, so sweet that you are a loyal wife, standing by your man but do you honestly think creating discord between teammates is a good idea? Just shush now and look pretty.

Written by Gingerbreadmama for Tea With Lemon. Photos and captions courtesy of the TWL Editor-in-Chief. Sources: people.com, tvguide.com, yahoo.com, eonline.com, tvline.com, TMZ.com, hollywoodreporter.com, huffingtonpost.com, fandango.com, deadline.com, variety.com