The Medal of Honor, the Nation’s highest military decoration, was awarded posthumously to Marine Cpl. Jason Dunham. In April 2004 Dunham was leading a patrol in an Iraqi town near the Syrian border when an insurgent dropped a grenade into his vehicle. Dunham hurled himself on top of it, using his helmet to try to blunt the force of the blast. He was critically wounded in the explosion and died eight days later at Bethesda Naval Hospital. “His was a selfless act of courage to save his fellow Marines. He knew what he was doing. He wanted to save Marine’s lives from that grenade,” said Lance Cpl. Jason Sanders. Three of Dunham’s platoon mates with Kilo Company, 3^rd Battalion, 7^th Marines, suffered shrapnel wounds but survived. Jason Dunham was 22 years old.

The Apostle Paul gives us a fourfold series of absolutes: “love always protects, always trusts, always, hopes, always perseveres.” The sense is in the intention. We intend always to protect etc. even it is sometimes not always possible. Vows, while meant to be absolute, are not always possible to keep because of changing circumstances, e.g. we intend our marriage vows to be “until death do us part.” But we know that those vows are conditional on faithfulness, trust, and physical and emotional safety. Let me come back to that later.

“Love always protects.” The verb means to cover, to pass over in silence, to keep confidential. It is used to describe a roof. When we want to stop discussion of something we may say that we want to ‘put a lid on it.’ Love throws a cloak of silence over what is displeasing in another person. “Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.” “Love covers over a multitude of sins.” Love finds a way to shelter the wrongdoer from exposure and condemnation. This is how God has treated us. “Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.”

The word for ‘making atonement’ in the Hebrew: kaphar, means ‘to cover.’ The atoning sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross was the fulfillment of the purpose of the Day of Atonement celebrated each year in the Temple, when the sins of the people were covered by the blood of the offering in the Holy of Holies. Jesus was both the High Priest and the Sacrifice to take away our sins by covering them, ‘making atonement’, and protecting us from condemnation. What God in Christ has done for us is meant to instruct us to do for others.

This, therefore, is how we should treat one another. By extending to others our protection, our generosity, our forgiveness, we can enjoy it ourselves. Forgive as we have been forgiven. Loving one another in this way shows that we have the root of the matter in us – we have assimilated the nature of grace. We love one another deeply by not exposing the frailties of others. We are willing to make allowances, to overlook minor infractions. We are reluctant to drag the faults of others into the light of day. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Nowhere is this more illustrated than in the incident of the woman taken in the act of adultery. This describes the “got-you” mentality which is characteristic of the “caught in the act” vigilantes. Jesus bowed down and wrote with his finger on the ground. He who knew everything, knew also what the scribes and the Pharisees knew, before they told him. They soon discovered her guilt, which was easy since her sin was open. They also discovered a new sin, of which they were guilty, by trying to ensnare Jesus with their question. But Jesus ignored them and wrote with his finger on the ground. Why did he avert his gaze? Why did he write with his finger on the ground? Did he sit there like a judge who listens attentively to the story of the accusers, who, listening, bows down and jots down the principal points so that he may not forget them, and judge strictly? Was the woman’s guilt the only thing which was noted by the Lord? Or did he write with his finger in the dust in order to erase it and forget it? There stood the sinner, surrounded by those even more guilty, who loudly accused her, but love bowed down and did not hear the accusation, which passed over his head into the air. He wrote with his finger in order to blot out what he knew: sin discovers a multitude of sins, but love covers a multitude of sins. People who look for sin are sure to find it. Love does not look for sin. Jesus tells them to look into their own hearts: “If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Was he writing their sins on the ground and then erasing them? When they have all left leaving only the woman standing there with Jesus he asks, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin.” Her sin was covered. He would make atonement for it. But she had to change her behavior.

Soren Kierkegaard argues that love protects by silence, by mitigating explanation and by forgiveness. Love always protects by silence, by not gossiping about our neighbor’s faults, for in the retelling of them the truth is often embroidered until they bear little resemblance to reality. Love always protects through mitigating explanations. Every event, every word, every act, everything, can be explained in numerous ways. The lover will choose the most mitigating explanation. We are not called to be judges or detectives seeking to uncover guilt. How many lives have been ruined by drawing the wrong conclusions about events, and making the wrong interpretation of an action. We don’t know all the circumstances or the motives involved in the lives of others. Love seeks a favorable interpretation to protect the innocent. Love protects by forgiveness. God loves us by blotting out our sin. It is forgiven and forgotten. “You have put all my sins behind your back.” The lover forgives, forgets, blots out sin, by turning to the one he forgives, and in so doing he cannot see what lies behind his back. He turns his back on the sin and goes forward leaving it behind him.

Here is where we must revisit the absolute intention of “always” protecting others. While this is the intention, our actions must be qualified by events. Just as we must almost never say “never”, we must almost never say “always.” It is important that we do not press this teaching to the point of covering up a heinous crime. I am sure that St. Paul here is not advocating, that out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, perpetrators of violence should be protected. I can well remember a knock on the door one night, when I was living in Orange Park, and finding my neighbor, Mrs C., in tears because her grown daughter had threatened to bring charges against her father for sexual abuse. While she had been only too well aware of his abusive behavior over the years, she had hidden it, denied it, and put her daughters and neighborhood children (including our own), at risk. Love does not protect criminal behavior at the expense of the innocent and vulnerable. Love does not enable or excuse destructive and irresponsible behavior. Love delights in the truth, it does not encourage lies and deceit by covering it up. Organizations should not protect their employees at the expense of the public, whether it is embezzlement at the management level, or dishonesty at any level. The American Roman Catholic hierarchy has discovered how high a price it has had to pay for protecting priestly perpetrators of sexual abuse by covering up their crimes over the years. The abuse of power is never to be protected.

“The Lives of Others” won an Oscar in 2007 for the best Foreign Language Film. It depicts the work of the Stasi (State Security) in East Germany under the communist regime in 1984. Captain Weisler is assigned to conduct surveillance of a celebrated writer and actress couple, Georg Dreyman and Christa-Maria Sieland. Their apartment is bugged and Weisler listens in on their every word from the attic. As he does so, he discovers that the reason for the surveillance is to uncover evidence against Dreyman so that he might be denounced and removed, allowing a Minister in the communist government to seduce Christa-Maria. Weisler is drawn into the stimulating, intellectual world of this artistic couple, and develops a sympathy for them. When Dreyman writes a controversial article criticizing the government, which is published under a pseudonym in West Germany, Weisler covers up evidence that would incriminate the author. The plot explores the abuse of power and its effects on the lives of the protagonists. Captain Weisler pays a price for protecting Dreyman. He is demoted to the lowest job in State Security – steaming open letters in a basement office. After the Berlin wall comes down, the two Germany’s are reunited and the records of the Stasi are made available to the public, Dreyman discovers how Weisler protected him and expresses his gratitude in a unique way.

Love always protects. God throws his covering over us in the atonement of Jesus on the Cross. “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Jesus Christ the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”

GUIDE FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. How do these terms affect you: protect, confidential, cover, shelter? What are their opposites?

2. What is the significance of the Atonement for you personally and as a model for your relationships?

3. How do you apply Matthew 7:1,2 in your life?

4. Read John 8:1-11. What do you think Jesus was writing on the ground?

5. How do you balance the truth of John 8:7 with the need to maintain moral standards?

6. What is the most difficult for you: protecting others by silence, mitigating explanations or forgiveness? Why?

7. When do you know that protecting someone puts others at risk?

8. Why has the term “cover up” become synonymous with criminal behavior?

9. How can love protect the most vulnerable: the baby in the womb, the disabled, and the elderly?

10. How is God our ultimate protector? How does that make you feel?

Schadenfreude is the German word which describes our malicious enjoyment of the mishaps or misfortunes of others. Schadenfreude is part of our culture. Every one of us experiences schadenfreude. It is intrinsic to every sport. We love it when our golfing buddies hit their balls in the bunkers or miss their putts. We inwardly applaud when our tennis opponent double-faults or hits into the net. We cheer when the opposing quarterback in football fumbles the ball. We thrill to see cars crash in the Daytona 500. Much of the fun in sports comes from schadenfreude: malicious enjoyment of the mishaps or misfortunes of others. It is central to the slapstick comedy of the Three Stooges, and many cartoon series such as Tom and Jerry or the Roadrunner.

News organizations love schadenfreude. Nothing excites the public more than breaking news about the latest scandal amongst celebrities or politicians. We secretly rejoice to see self-righteous leaders fall from grace. We gloat when prominent and powerful politicians on the opposition party are caught in crimes and misdemeanors. We love scandals because they give us something to be disgusted about, and to make us feel so morally superior. Other people’s sins make us look virtuous. Other people’s misfortunes make our lot easier to bear. They put our problems into perspective.

We are delighted when our enemies suffer. Nothing gives us greater joy than seeing our opponents get their comeuppance. When we are engaged in a battle we are relieved when the enemy is killed or destroyed in some way, shape or form. We feel justified when people whom we loathe, because they have hurt us or our loved ones, drop dead.

But love cannot delight in evil. Though we may have to go to war, though many people may be killed, and families lose loved ones, we cannot delight in it. It is the sadist who enjoys seeing pain inflicted on others. No matter how much the punishment fits the crime we can take no joy in executions or incarcerations. While we may support the free market and the risks associated with investment, we do not delight in downturns, personnel reductions, and bankruptcies.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. When love enters the picture the whole equation alters. When it is our friend who falls from grace, we are dismayed. When our beloved encounters adversity, when bad things happen to her, when the evil day comes for her in her life, when the medical diagnosis is poor, we are saddened and shocked. It is impossible to delight in the misfortunes of those you love, no matter what they have done. It is hard to rejoice in the downfall of leaders, if you wish them well. Love recognizes that “there but for the grace of God go I,” – or as John Donne observed, “any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”

There is no more poignant story in the Old Testament than that of King David’s handsome son, Absalom. In his father’s old age Absalom began to court the popularity of the Israelites. We are told that “he stole the hearts of the men of Israel.” In time he gathered enough of a following to initiate a conspiracy against his father. He proclaimed himself king in Hebron, just twenty miles south of Jerusalem. David fled from the city with his household and royal guard. “The whole countryside wept aloud as all the people passed….David continued up the Mount of Olives weeping as he went; his head was covered and he was barefoot. All the people with him covered their heads too and were weeping as they went up.” Absalom had turned many of the people against his father who could not believe that his son would do such a thing.

Conscious of David’s love for his rebel son, his military commanders: Joab, Abishai and Ittai, persuaded the king to remain behind in the camp. His last words to his generals as the army marched out to battle were: “Be gentle with the young man Absalom for my sake.” The battle in the Gilead oak woods, after 20,000 casualties, closed with Absalom’s hair getting tangled in a tree, and his mule leaving him hanging in midair. Joab defied his royal master by killing Absalom instead of capturing him alive. When David heard of it he was overcome with sorrow. “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you – O Absalom, my son, my son!”

David was only too well aware of the truth – that he had aided and abetted the rebellion by turning a blind eye to Absalom’s ambitions over the years. He was also aware of his own sins that had contributed to the moral decay in the court. His mourning for his son was also a mourning for the culture that he had allowed to flourish, where abuse, anger, adultery, incest, and murder had been tolerated in his own household, and by himself. He came face to face with his own culpability, and the cost in human lives that resulted. He could not delight in the destruction of Absalom’s army because he knew the truth of his own negligence as a father and a ruler.

Love rejoices with the truth. One truth, one reality, is that every one of us sins. “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.” We don’t delight in the downfall of others when we know our own hearts. We are guilty by association. We have to admit we can be entertained by their sick and scandalous behavior. The media provides its audience with a menu of immorality and violence.

Love rejoices with the whole truth, not partial truth. Love knows the difference between a momentary mistake, and a persistent pattern of immoral behavior. Love does not blind us to the lifetime achievements of a person because of the fact of a single error. Love has the perspective to see the whole truth, and does not obsess on one sin as though it negated the rest of life. Love rejoices with the truth, the reality, of redemption – that Christ has come to forgive us and give us a new start when we repent and turn to him in faith. Love rejoices with the truth that failure is not final.

Love rejoices with the truth that God is personal. Jesus said, “I am the truth.” We can rejoice that Christ is the truth, for he shows us the reality of human life that is pure in heart – sincere, unsullied by evil, full of integrity. We can rejoice with the truth of his life. There is something to rejoice about – we need not be cynical or despairing of life, of goodness, of truth.

Love rejoices with the good news that Jesus has triumphed over evil on the Cross. We can rejoice that if he is victorious over evil we can share in that victory with him. Evil is the antithesis of the truth. Jesus came to save us from evil. We cannot delight in evil and rejoice with the truth. We have to choose between the two. That choice is an act of faith, a decision that is critical for our lives. Christ can take men or women at their worst, steeped in wickedness and sin, and still deliver them from evil. That is why we can rejoice with the truth of the Gospel.

Love acts on the power of the truth that is in Jesus to change lives. Love does not delight in other people’s failings, but rejoices with the truth that saves us. “There but for the grace of God go I!” Love is the grace of God that reaches out to us in Jesus. When we receive him, and live with him, and are empowered by his Spirit, we have his truth within us. That gift of love is cause for rejoicing.

GUIDE FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. How susceptible are you to schadenfreude? Be honest! What about the media?

2. How does love alter your attitude to those who fall from grace and encounter adversity?

3. What do you think of John Donne’s famous words?

4. How did David react to the defeat and death of his son? Why did he not rejoice in his victory?

5. What is the truth of 1 John 1:8?

6. What truths can we rejoice in?

7. What did Jesus mean when he said that he was the Truth? (John 14:6)

8. How true is ‘There but the grace of God go I’?

9. How can the truth of the Gospel liberate us from malice?

10. How can love bring perpetrators of evil to just-ice and rejoice in the truth?

Love keeps no record of wrongs (NIV). Love is not resentful (RSV). Love holds no grudges (LB, 1 Corinthians 13:5). The verb Paul uses here means ‘to calculate.’ William Barclay says that the word “is an accountant’s word. It is the word that is used for entering up an item in a ledger so that it will not be forgotten.” Lewis Smedes writes that “Resentment is our memory of the painful, angry past.” It is hard to forget and to forgive.

Grudges can divide families and friends. I know of siblings who have fallen out over how their family estate was managed. Greed has set one against the other. No amount of money can be so important as to alienate one from another. “Someone in the crowd said to Jesus, ‘Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.’” His brother may have been executor of the estate, and he was asking Jesus for a decision in his own favor, to intervene in the family dispute. Jesus will have nothing to do with it. “Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?” He came to bring men to God not to bring property to men. He goes on to warn the crowd about the dangers of greed. In the parable of the Rich Fool he teaches that we can’t take our possessions with us, and that we will be held accountable for our stewardship of what we have been given.

Inheritance can foster much resentment between family members. But love can prevent and heal resentment. Nowhere is this truth better expounded than in the Parable of the Prodigal Son. The younger son asked his father to give him his share of the estate. So the father divided his property between his sons. The younger son squandered his wealth in wild living. When he came to the end of his resources he decided to return home and beg his father’s forgiveness, and ask for a job as one of his employees. He did not ask to be reinstated as a son or to be given any preferential treatment. His father, however, had kept no account of his son’s wrongs. All he wanted was his son back safe and sound. Perhaps one of the most poignant descriptions in Scripture is that of the father watching out for the son. “While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.”

Love covers a multitude of sins. Love keeps no records of wrongs. Love is not resentful. Love holds no grudges. It was more important to the father that his beloved son had returned home safely than that his money was safe. He valued his relationship of love with his son more than his wealth. He was not going to let his son’s foolishness get in the way of his love. For the older son it was much more difficult. He kept a record of wrongs. He resented his brother’s return, and acceptance. He begrudged his father’s joy over his brother’s safe return. He did not love his brother. He loved his own record more. He reminded his father of his brother’s sins and contrasted them with his own worth. He wants his father to compare their scores in his favor.

When we are confronted with our own shortcomings we defend ourselves by dredging up past offenses by our accuser. We have kept record of them in our memories so that we can produce them when needed. We have to feel more virtuous than others so that we can maintain our self-esteem and avoid being put at a disadvantage. So we play the game of tit for tat, exchanging accusations until we exhaust the goodwill we have for one another.

Not only is this destructive in marriages and families, but it is also devastating amongst ethnic groups and nations. Hitler and his followers resented Germany’s defeat in World War I, and the humiliating terms of the Treaty of Versailles. The memories of their losses festered until they were able to avenge themselves in the Second World War. Similarly today, the resentment of the Palestinians over the loss of their land in the wars of 1947 and 1967, feeds the hatred of Israel today. The loss of power by one ethnic group, tribe or nation, is resented by their descendants, until the opportunity comes to get even through yet another war or revolution.

We keep score because it makes us feel superior to the person or ethnic group we resent. We enjoy feeling noble and worthy as the decent person or group who was wrongly hurt. War is waged to redress grievances, and to bring those who have injured us or our countrymen to account. We want to hurt them for what they have done to us in the past.

This is the state of the world today where conflict rules. Group is warring against group because of past grievances and present resentments. The demand for reparations, the revisions of history, the desire to fight old battles and blackmail the winners, and jealousy of the successful is popular. Imagine if the British still nursed the grievance of losing the American colonies, and schemed to get them back? Imagine the Confederacy still wanting its independence? You can’t live in the past. Healthy people move on and make a life for themselves rather than continuing to fight their ancestors’ battles. Children move on to fulfill their own dreams rather than depending on inheriting the assets of their parents to make it easier for them. Christians who have accepted the need for their own forgiveness, don’t hold others hostage to judgment. They let the dead bury their own dead. They want nothing to do with vendettas. For our own peace of mind we have to let go of our resentment against those who have hurt us or our loved ones. Despite our painful memories we don’t want to remain hostages to the past. Miroslav Volf has written eloquently on how to go about this in ‘The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World’. See also Marie Daouda’s new book on colonialism and culture, Not Your Victim.

Love lets the past die. Love does not seek for justice even though it is in the right. Love wants to wipe the slate clean and start all over again. What is important to love is that it is possible to make a new beginning. “Accounts may go unsettled; differences remain unsolved; ledgers stay unbalanced. Conflicts between people’s memories of how things happened are not cleared up; the past stays muddled. Only the future matters. Love’s power does not make fussy historians. Love prefers to tuck all the loose ends of past rights and wrongs in the bosom of forgiveness – and pushes us into a new start. Letting go of the past and beginning here, now, where we are, to move again toward a reconciled life is one of the hardest things any human being is ever asked to do. Love is the power to do that.”

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Salvation in Christ results in the healing of painful memories. It is learning to forget what other people did to us and those we love. The power to forget is the power of the Cross. Jesus said, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Love is the power to forgive, to tear up the scorecard, to be reconciled, to leave the final accounting to the judgment and mercy of God. God settled accounts with us on the Cross. Let us leave our wrongs, our resentments, our grudges at the foot of the Cross of Christ. The love of God in Christ conquers all. The Gospel is God’s answer to the ills of the world.

GUIDE FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. ‘Resentment is our memory of the painful, angry past.’ (Smedes) How can love expunge those memories?

2. How have you dealt with grudges in your family or amongst your friends?

3. Read Luke 12:13-21. How did Jesus respond to a family feud?

4. What does the Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) have to teach us about keeping no record of wrongs?

5. How can we forgive the wrongs done us and our ancestors?

6. ‘Only the future matters.’ How does love give you the power to move on?

7. Read Colossians 3:13,14. What can you apply this exhortation to in your life?

8. How can you learn to forget?

9. What relevance does this Word of God have to the conflicts in the world?

10. ‘God settled accounts with us on the Cross.’ Explain.

I had put up with his dominating, know-it-all attitude long enough. Every time I met him he lectured me on how to do my job. He was considered one of the most powerful men in town, and people were intimidated by him. He was physically commanding because of his height, and literally looked down on you as he spoke. Every church board meeting he found something or someone to criticize. This time he went too far, and attacked our children’s minister, who was doing a great job. Under his withering diatribe she burst into tears. I should have adjourned the meeting and asked to see the antagonist privately and had it out with him. Instead, in my anger, I publicly rebuked him, and told him in no uncertain terms that I was tired of his high-jacking the board meetings and that if he could not say something positive to balance his negative comments he should remain silent.

One of our biggest temptations is to react defensively under pressure. “Be angry but do not sin, do not let the sun go on down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” The devil tempts us to lose it, to react impulsively to say and do the wrong thing. Apparently Saul of Tarsus was like that before he was converted and became St. Paul. As a persecutor of the first Christians he breathed “threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord.” So he knows what he is talking about when he writes, ‘Love is not easily angered’ (1 Corinthians 13:5). ‘Love is not touchy’ (JBP). ‘Love is not irritable’ (NRSV). Love is not short-tempered. “Love puts a long fuse on our emotional bombs.” Love does not blow up at the least provocation. Love is calm under pressure. Love accepts responsibility for how we react to others. Love takes responsibility for how we feel and how we handle unjustified aggravation. We cannot be responsible for how others behave, but we can control how we respond to them. We do not blame how we behave on other people. We do not see ourselves as victims.

Life does not always go smoothly. Interruptions will occur. Other people’s agendas and needs will compete with ours. We do not plan each moment of our day as though we have complete freedom to do what we alone want to do. We live in community. Other events, accidents, emergencies, telephone calls, emails, requests for our attention, will occur. We are not lone rangers, flying solo, with no one to please but ourselves. Love recognizes the context, the environment, the life situations, in which we live, and makes provision for them, so that we are not frustrated when we are confronted with unexpected demands upon us.

Self-absorption and perfectionism sets us up to be easily angered when our needs are frustrated by the realities of life. The goal-setting, highly planned, purpose-driven life that does not allow for the needs of others, results in irritability. Richard A. Swenson’s book, “Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Life” reminds us that we need to allow for margins in our time and financial management lest we over-budget or over-schedule ourselves and there is no flexibility in our lives.

Irritability leads to anger. We get angry at every small obstacle that slows us down or gets in our way. We get angry at the telephone when it rings. Don’t answer it. We get angry at people who ask us to participate in another yet function. Just decline – politely. We get angry at the church or charity that asks us for financial support. Do what you can. We get angry at the person ahead of us in the checkout counter. Read the tabloids. They are hilarious. We get angry at the driver in the car in front of us who doesn’t seem to know what she is doing. Listen to the radio. We get angry at the slow service in a restaurant. A diner once asked a waiter, “Do you tip waiters in this restaurant?” “Yes sir,” he replied. “Then tip me because I’ve been waiting so long!” We think, if only these people would know how important our time was they would be more considerate of us!!!!!

We are so self-centered that we think the world should revolve around us and our needs so that we do not have to wait or be slowed down. We get frustrated by others not doing what we think they should. Sometimes we let our anger show. The mask slips, we lose control, and we let them have it. We become aggressive. We may lash out at others by letting them know how inconvenienced we are. Those who have little control revert to violence. Frustration turns to hostility, which expresses itself in violent behavior.

How does love prevent this problem of irritability and frustration?

Love recognizes the value of anger. Anger is not the problem. Anger shows that we care about something important. Anger shows that we are not indifferent to injustice. Anger may be justified. “In your anger do not sin.” Sin occurs when anger is prolonged and unjustified. God gets angry and has good reason to be so. When God looks at the world and all the sin, evil, and suffering caused by so many hateful people, he has a right to be angry. None of us is guiltless. We are all sinners, who need to take responsibility, repent and change our ways. But God is described as being “compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.” God gives us a lifetime to change.

Love calls us to be “slow to anger.” Jesus models this for us in his trial before the high priest. He is struck on the face by one of the officials. That is provocation. Jesus responded by asking a question: “If I said something wrong, testify as to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth why did you strike me?” Jesus did not immediately blow up at the provocation. He did not take it lying down either. In a calm manner he confronted his tormentor with the injustice of his action. He did not want to give the devil a foothold by allowing anger to control him, even though he would have been justified in responding with anger. We too can respond under provocation with the same request: “Why did you say that or do that? What did I do or say to deserve that?” Jesus gives us the example of bearing up under the pain of unjust suffering. “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.”

Non-retaliation, restraining our desire to blow up, to pay back, to ventilate our frustrations, to express our anger in aggressive behavior, to lose our temper, can only happen when we admit that we have no power to help ourselves, and that losing control, and indulging our desire for revenge will only make matters worse. Instead, let God, who is sovereign over all things, take care of our antagonist in his time. “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written ‘It is mine to avenge, I will repay,’ says the Lord… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Love enables you to see into the heart of the one who is harassing you. Love sees the anxiety, the fear, the pain, the defensive behavior, of the person who is controlled by anger. Love gives you the patience and kindness to endure the provocation of the person who is self-seeking, and who wants to be in control. Love pities the person who is out of control and is making a fool of himself. Love bites his tongue so that he does not say something that he might regret later. Love listens to hear what is not being said, what is behind what is being said. Love gives you the words to respond when you are confronted with bad temper.

The elder son in the parable of the prodigal son got angry when his brother returned and his father threw a feast to celebrate his homecoming. He refused to go into the house and blew up at his father: “Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours [note: he doesn’t refer to him as his brother] who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home you kill the fattened calf for him!”

His father could have given him a dressing down, he could have been irritated and frustrated by his older son’s petulance and selfishness, but instead, in love, he reached out to the sibling, who was hurt by the attention given to his younger brother. His father affirmed him and explained why he was doing what he was doing: “My son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.”

If we are easily angered, if we are quick-tempered, if we have a touchy disposition, if we routinely get irritated, we are like this older brother, sulking outside the door because he is not the center of attention. It reveals a defect of character, a disease of the heart, that is a product of our sinful nature. It needs to be repented of, and healed by an influx of the love of Christ. We cannot change through trying to be better in our own strength. Only Christ can change us. This irritability has to be neutralized and overcome by the medicine of Christ and his transforming power. It is his love that we need, that is given by the infilling of the Holy Spirit.

GUIDE FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. How calm are you under pressure?

2. Can you take responsibility for your feelings or do you blame others for them?

3. Why is the perfectionist, the goal-oriented achiever prone to irritability?

4. What causes you to get angry?

5. What is the connection between anger and violence?

6. ‘Love recognizes the value of anger?’ Explain.

7. Read 1 Peter 2:19,23 and Romans 12:17-21. What does the example of Jesus and the teaching of Paul tell us about love?

8. ‘Love enables you to see into the heart of the one who is harassing you.’ What do you see?

9. Read Luke 15:28-32. How did the father deal with his older son?

10. How can Christ change us from being easily angered?

Love is not selfish. Love does not insist on its own way. Love does not ‘seek her own’ (KJV). Love does not ‘pursue selfish advantage’ (JBP, 1 Corinthians 13:5). Love is concerned with the well-being of others, not solely with its own welfare. Love is prepared to give up for the sake of others even what it is entitled to. Jesus calls us to deny ourselves. His sacrificial life is the model of self-denying love. He said to his disciples: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” Those who follow Christ are motivated by his sacrificial life to give rather than to get, to serve the good of others, and not just our own good.

How do we reconcile this way of life with proper self-love that affirms our own worth? Are we not meant to seek the fulfillment of our own potential, the realization of our personal identity and destiny? Is life not a matter of finding out who we really are and becoming what we are created to be? How is love for others compatible with this search?

We seek to know ourselves. Life is a quest for self-knowledge. We seek to understand ourselves by searching for our origins in our family history, in the lives of our parents and ancestors. I am intrigued by what motivated my forbears. I try to find clues about them from histories of the periods in which they lived. I collect materials on the colonization of New Zealand, and the immigration of my great-grandparents from England and Prussia.

We seek to find ourselves through counseling and therapy. We look for enlightenment through exploring our subconscious. We explore our childhood experiences, and the influences of significant people in our lives. We uncover forgotten traumatic incidences that have been buried or denied over the years. We read biographies and memoirs and identify with incidents in the lives of others. Documentaries and movies also trigger associations.

We seek for illumination in our spiritual lives, through prayer and Bible study, through discussion groups and classes. Love does not prohibit such searching for our true, God-given selves, that are in the process of becoming what he wants us to be, as long as the search doesn’t become an end in itself, and cause us to be so self-obsessed with our search that we become self-absorbed and indifferent to the needs of others.

Seeking to become what God wants us to be, and has created us to be, is surely part of our divine vocation. We are put on this earth for a purpose and we should be seeking to fulfill that purpose. We should not be settling for less than what God has called us to be. We cannot excuse ourselves from self-improvement on the grounds that love does not want us to become a better person.

What then is love cautioning us against? Love cautions us against making our self-seeking an end, the ultimate goal of our lives, the final aim of all our efforts in life. Our search for self-knowledge and self-actualization is a means to love others as ourselves. It is not to be sought for our own selfish fulfillment. Psychologist Abraham Maslow made self-actualization the pinnacle of his hierarchy of needs, but it should be seen as the stepping stone to the highest value of all – true love.

If we make ourselves the end or goal of seeking, we become the supreme good. We become self-centered. We see others as means of contributing to our good, instead of seeing how we can help them. We assert our rights, our opinions, and our needs, at the expense of others. We seek ourselves in ideal terms, as we wish others would see us.

Lewis Smedes writes,

“A composite portrait of the typical secular ideal self, as portrayed in the escapist literature, television, and film of our day, would disclose a combination of all that is creative, charming, clever, and courageous. Such a person is healthy and vital, good-looking, sexually interesting but capable of deep caring. Not only does this ideal person know much, he or she has the wit to express it vividly. Confident yet not arrogant, religious, yet not other-worldly, this ideal is strong against temptation, but understanding of those who yield. When he or she loves, it is always from strength. This is a frame into which most of our ideal selves fit; each of us make a private portrait by adding a few unique features.”

Seeking self-fulfillment, as the be-all and end-all of life results in either self-deception, or disappointment, that is divorced from reality, and distanced from truly loving relationships. We become so preoccupied with our own search that we lose our perspective on ourselves, and neglect helping others. On the other hand, love moves us to make others the center of our concern. It causes us to ask, “How can I use what God has given me, and made me to be, and what wisdom and insight I have discovered, to help others.”

The true ideal self, as seen in Jesus, seeks to go beyond the limited vision of self-fulfillment to the maturity of self-denial for the sake of loving others. Such love is not the doormat variety, that denies self out of self-hatred, or fear, or ignorance. It is a love that draws strength from an awareness of who you are, and what you are called to be, to offer yourself in service to help another. Far from being a doormat, and passive in our relationships, sometimes loving others requires us to assert ourselves.

In the parable of the unmerciful servant, the king forgave his servant a huge debt. He did not assert his right to be repaid, but instead denied himself so that his servant could remain free. The king took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. But immediately the forgiven servant assaulted one of his fellow servants and demanded payment for a trifling sum. Instead of forgiving the man as he had been forgiven, he had his debtor thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the king heard about it he asserted his right to be paid also, and had him committed to prison. Initially the king was not self-seeking. He did not assert his right to be repaid. But when he found that his lack of self-seeking was misused by his servant, he reasserted his right. By doing so he protected the other servant from this ungrateful man’s own self-seeking. He helped his neighbor by asserting his own rights to be repaid. That was the loving thing to do even though it caused his ungrateful servant grief.

Sometimes we have to assert our rights in order to protect others. It is the loving thing to do for an abused mother to seek protection for herself and her children from a violent husband. Failure to do so results in children filled with self-hatred as Pat Conroy chronicles in his books. It also perpetuates the violence into the next generation. Parents have to seek adequate wages in order to take care of their children. Abandoned wives have to seek adequate compensation when their husbands and the father of their children leave them for another woman. We have to seek appropriate remuneration when we are negotiating for a position because we are responsible for our family, and for those who come after us in the position. We are to seek the freedom and opportunity to fulfill our God-given purpose and vocation. We are to seek to safeguard our reputation for the sake of the work God has called us to do, and the witness we are called to bear for his sake. Rosa Parks was not self-seeking for asserting her right to sit in the front of the bus in Montgomery, Alabama because she did it, not only for herself, but for others. Martin Luther was not self-seeking when he refused to recant his witness to the truth of the gospel of grace, because he was doing it for the whole church.

Love needs to discern when it is appropriate to assert one’s needs or when it is wise to deny them for the sake of others. We need to pray for wisdom to know when to speak up and when to keep silent, when to act and when to wait, when to fight and when to surrender. Love knows the more excellent way of helping others. It transforms self-seeking into seeking to serve others in the most effective way. This calls for prayer and the courage Jesus can give. We cannot do it in our own strength. We need the power of the Spirit of Jesus.

GUIDE FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. How do you reconcile unselfish, sacrificial love with proper self-love?

2. How is love compatible with the search for self-knowledge and self-fulfillment?

3. How do you cope with the pressures of the advertising culture which urges us to make our ideal selves the goal.

4. Love moves us to make others the center of our concern. How can you use what God has given you to help others?

5. How can you love others, and deny self, without becoming a doormat?

6. Read Matthew 18:21-35 What does this parable have to tell you about the dangers of self-seeking?

7. Why do you sometimes have to assert your rights?

8. When is it wise to deny your rights for the sake of others?

9. When can your need to clarify misunderstanding, to justify yourself, to make your point, to appear to be in the right, be a hindrance to love?

10. How does prayer help you to discern what love is leading you to do in a relationship that threat-ens conflict?

We had traveled a long way to stay with friends we had not seen in a long time. From the moment we arrived one of the hosts dominated the conversation with critical comments and put downs which made us feel extremely uncomfortable. He was unrelenting in telling stories at our expense despite our protests and requests that he cease and desist. His insensitivity eventually provoked a confrontation between us, and we decided to leave earlier than planned. When he apologized he excused his behavior as merely an attempt at humor. “I was only kidding! Can’t you take a joke? You’re too thin-skinned.”

The KJV translates “love is not rude” (1 Cor.13:5) as love does not behave itself “unseemly.” Paul is simply saying that there are many ways of behaving badly, and that love avoids them all. J.B. Phillips paraphrases it by saying that “love has good manners.” The root meaning of the word derives from behaving indecently, improperly, disgracefully or dishonorably. Love renounces all such behavior. Love treats others with courtesy and respect. To be rude is to be inconsiderate of others, it is to be offensive.

It is possible to be so self-absorbed, so focused on one’s agenda, one’s to-do list, that the needs of others are ignored. Our agenda may be laudable, of so great value, that our attention to it causes us to devalue or ignore the needs of others. The Type A individual who is task-oriented does not stop to think how rude he can appear to others as he rushes by on his way to achieve his goals. The person who is in the middle of a project does not realize how his irritation at being interrupted is apparent to others who need his help. The colleague who meets you at a social function does not appreciate how he comes across when he relates to you only at the level of his agenda, and ignores relating to you as a friend or as a peer.

Paul Zahl recounts examples of how people in conversation constantly bring the conversation back to themselves. Conversation is routinely taking turns talking about oneself. There is no real listening. When a topic is mentioned, or a personal experience is shared, it is used by the second person as a chance to talk about her own experience. “Everything I hear is just an excuse to bring the attention back to me…Grace is listening to another person without bringing the conversation back to you.” (Grace in Practice, Eerdmans 2007)

Basic to these encounters is the failure to honor the person as a whole, to notice them as children of God and worthy of their attention, to take time to greet them, to take an interest in them as people, and not just as functions. It is at its worst when employers treat their employees dishonorably, by failing to pay them fair wages, and by failing to give them the dignity of being their equal in God’s sight.

In contrast, love slows down to acknowledge the worth of others. Love sees the opportunity that interruptions can give to help others and to be of service to them. Love puts yourself in the position of those who serve you. Love tips generously. Love is appreciative of what others do for you.

Love is not rude, and does not behave itself unseemly. Love does not pollute the environment. Love does not conduct loud conversations in public places. Love does not use cell phones when you are having a lunch date. Love does not litter. Love does not make others endure second-hand smoke. Love does not assault others through crude jokes and cursing. Love does not use slurs or character assassination. Love does not assail you with pornographic images or displays of public immodesty that degrade personal relationships.

Jesus gives us an example of how love overcomes rudeness. Simon the Pharisee invites Jesus for supper in his house. An unnamed prostitute comes into the room weeping. She says nothing, but by her actions shows how much Jesus means to her. Her tears wet his feet, she wipes them with her hair, kisses them, and pours expensive perfume on them. Simon the Pharisee is appalled that Jesus would allow this woman to touch him. He looked down on her. He treated her with disdain. She was one of the unclean, the unwashed, irreligious refuse of the city whom he avoided at all cost. You can almost see him gathering his robes around him so that he would not be polluted by her. Yet we may have a certain amount of sympathy for the host. Who amongst us would not be embarrassed and repelled by such a person gate-crashing our party? We would want to get her removed pronto.

Jesus picks up on his attitude, and decides to teach his host a lesson he will never forget. He identifies with the woman, and not with his distinguished host. He points out that Simon the Pharisee was as rude to him as he was to the prostitute. He had neglected to provide the basic amenities to Jesus when he arrived at his home. His host had failed to welcome him appropriately for an honored guest. He had not given him any water to wash his feet after his journey, but she had wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. He had not greeted him at the door with the oriental kiss on the cheek, but she had not stopped kissing his feet in humble gratitude. He had not offered to anoint his head with oil, but she had poured perfume on his feet. Simon the Pharisee had his own agenda, so he ignored the needs of Jesus.

She had expressed her love in ways that honored him for what he meant to her – Savior, Redeemer – the forgiver of her sins, the bearer of the love, grace and mercy of God. Simon the Pharisee had expressed his rudeness in ways that dishonored him, not even giving him the courtesy and respect that ordinary guests are due. Simon the Pharisee disrespected Jesus, while the prostitute honored him. She knew his true worth. Simon was blind to the worth of Jesus. He could not appreciate whom he was entertaining. He loved little because he did not realize his own need to be forgiven.

We learn to love to the extent we know we have been loved. When we know how much we need to be forgiven, how big a debt has to be paid, and how Jesus has paid it for us on the Cross, we know how much we are loved. When we know that, we know how much we can love others, for we know that we are not superior to others – we all need to be forgiven.

Jesus treated the woman with dignity. He assured her again that her sins were forgiven. She must have known that before she entered the room. Why else would she be so overwhelmed with love and gratitude to Jesus that she wept and kissed his feet, and anointed him with her most precious possession? He anointed her with a benediction: “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” He behaved to her as would a gentleman to a lady of distinction. He never spoke down to her. He never withdrew from her. He never avoided her or rejected her. He raised her up from her humble service to a position of notability. He ennobled what she did with his attitude of generous love.

As this woman loved Jesus by her grateful service, so we are called to express our gratitude and love for his forgiveness in what we do for him. As Jesus loved this woman by accepting her, and assuring her of the gift of forgiveness; so we are called to love the lowest and the least. We cannot be self-righteous in relation to those who behave immorally or indecently. The answer to unseemly behavior is not rudeness in return, but love that gives those who have lost their way, the courtesy and respect that Jesus gave to this woman.

GUIDE FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. What does rudeness mean to you? Recount an experience you have had of rudeness.

2. How does the self-absorption and task-orientation of Type A personalities contribute to rudeness?

3. “Love slows down to acknowledge the worth of others.” Give an example.

4. Read Luke 7:36-50. Why was Simon the Pharisee rude? What did Jesus think about his rudeness?

5. Why did the woman love Jesus so much? What does this have to tell us about our own attitude to Jesus?

6. How did Jesus treat this woman? What has this to tell us about our attitude to others?

7. How should we treat those who serve us?

8. How should we respond when we encounter unseemly behavior?

9. What do you do when you are reminded of your own rudeness?

“Love is not proud or arrogant” (1 Corinthians 13:4)

We had hired a general contractor to renovate our house and were assigned a project manager. Our architect had produced a helpful set of plans and we were excited about the prospect of getting the job done. However, we found that, although the contract called for regular meetings between us and the project manager, to discuss progress, and to make decisions about details, we were rarely consulted. When we told the project manager what bathroom fixtures, lights, floors, brick, windows and doors we wanted he disputed each choice, and instead wanted to substitute his own choices and vendors. As a result the project was delayed and cost us more than we had budgeted. In effect we had to do much of his work for him because he was too arrogant to work with us or for us.

St. Paul uses a word that is translated “arrogant” in the ESV, which he uses half a dozen times in this letter, and only once elsewhere. No other New Testament writer uses it at all. The KJV translates it “not puffed up.” That is literally true, for the word expresses an attitude that is puffed up, inflated with pride, vanity and arrogance. J.B. Phillips paraphrases it: love does not “cherish inflated ideas of its own importance.”

He cautions against “taking pride in one man over against another. For who made you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did not receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?”

He says, “knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know.” The person who thinks he is something is a windbag, full of airs but of no substance. Whereas the person who loves others builds them up, edifies them, and leaves them for the better.

Jesus warned against this kind of pride in the religious leaders of his day. “Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and the Sadducees.” The yeast is the teaching of these religious leaders. Their arrogance and self righteousness permeated everything they said and did. They cherished inflated ideas of their own importance. They were puffed up by knowledge. They saw themselves as superior to others. Jesus said, “they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues.”

As a young boy I used to like to make ginger beer. I would walk down the street to the brewery on the next corner of our block and ask the brewer for some yeast. He would dip my jar in his vat and I would return home to use it in the bottom of my bottles, with the ginger, sugar, water and raisins, to concoct my ginger beer. The yeast would generate the fermentation that would provide the carbonation, the fizz, for my drink. When Antoinette makes bread at home she uses yeast and waits for the dough to rise before she puts it in the oven. The yeast permeates the dough to puff up the bread.

Love is not puffed up by a sense of inflated importance. Yet the yeast of the Pharisees, Sadducees, and Herod, permeates our self-consciousness. If you were like me, you were raised unconsciously with the belief that, as a Westerner, you were better than other people. Western Europeans, and North Americans were regarded as smarter, more disciplined, more highly educated, more hygienic, more moral, more law-abiding, more trustworthy, than the rest of the world. It didn’t need to be said. It was a given. We were superior to others. This sense of superiority was resented by the rest of the world. It led to the image of the arrogant British, the vain French, the domineering German, and the ugly American. It encouraged racism, religious bigotry, colonialism, and imperialism. The novels of the nineteenth and twentieth century portrayed characters who embodied these attitudes. Westerners professed to be Christians, to follow the teachings of the New Testament, but the yeast of the Pharisees permeated their behavior. It puffed them up, and turned proper national pride into arrogant jingoism. Nowadays there is a serious backlash against all white races by the Majority world who resent any hypocrisy and condescending superiority. Today this disease has permeated into radical Islamic extremists. Terrorists and suicide bombers believe that their fanatical commitment shows that they are superior to all who do not agree with them. Also secular humanists and other academic atheists suffer from the same hubris when they disdainfully dismiss as ignorant those who believe in God.

This is the yeast of the Pharisees. It is a sense of self-righteousness by which we judge others as inferior to ourselves. Almost unconsciously we pass judgment on others. It seems we can’t help it. It is part of our DNA. It is the result of original sin that permeates our human nature, our history and our culture.

It manifests itself when we look at people who have made, what we consider, poor choices, in their lives. They may have married the wrong person, or got addicted to alcohol or drugs, or made bad investments, or trusted questionable people. We judge them as being inferior to us. We may have made, what we consider, sensible, good choices, and that qualifies us for the credit of being worthy of praise. “The Pharisee gave himself credit for the ‘smart choices’ he had made in his life….there was no compassion on the part of the Pharisee, none at all. There was self-congratulation and contempt.”

This sense of moral superiority is one of the reasons why we may not feel compassion for people who are going through a hard time. We feel that, if they had made better choices, like us, and were sensible and responsible, like us, they would not be in the position they find themselves. At least, we rationalize our indifference this way. While we reject the Hindu caste system, which is based on karma, the belief that we are reincarnated into a life form based upon our choices in a former life, we unconsciously embrace it.

What is the answer, the antidote to this yeast of the Pharisees, this puffed up pride, this arrogance which inflates our sense of importance? It is love that is motivated by compassion. “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear, children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth.”

The Cross of Christ is God, not remaining aloof from us, not regarding us as deserving to stew in our own juice because of our choices, but being moved with compassion, and entering into our suffering and dying in atonement for our sins. Love is full of compassion for others. Jesus was full of compassion for the hurting and the hungry. He was a healer and a helper. He did not blame the 5,000 who did not bring enough food to feed themselves. He had compassion on them, and fed them. He could have thought that they were stupid and incompetent to come out in the countryside without enough provisions, but he still took care of them.

We have been raised on a diet of self-reliance, individual responsibility, and accountability. Those of us fortunate enough to have been blessed with opportunity, education and good health are tempted to believe that we deserve the success and affluence we enjoy, and that the reason others don’t enjoy it is that they haven’t worked hard enough for it. We can easily fall into an attitude of self-congratulation and contempt rather than compassion.

This compassionate love is what has fueled cross-cultural mission. It is what motivated Christian missionaries to take the Gospel to those who did not know the love of God. It is what sent medical and educational missionaries, healers, preachers and teachers, into the most needy parts of the world. They did not regard themselves as superior to those to whom they were sent by a loving God. They were not inflated with a sense of their self-importance. Instead they were like Jesus, who, “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” We can be like that too, if we see ourselves as recipients of God’s grace, undeserving of what we have, and equally in need of God’s compassion. We are not superior to others, however much we may want to think ourselves to be. The ground is level before the Cross. It is God’s compassion that saves us. It is his compassion that can overcome our arrogance, so that we may be able to love others.

GUIDE FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. How does knowledge ‘puff up’?

2. What is the source of our feelings of superiority over other races/nations?

3. How can we maintain our convictions about Christ being the Way, the Truth, and the Life without being arrogant to other religions?

4. Why is hubris incompatible with love? How does it manifest itself in secularism?

5. “Almost unconsciously we pass judgment on others.” What form does this take for you?

6. Is compassion difficult for you? Why?

7. How does the Cross and the ministry of Jesus show us the meaning of compassion?

8. How does the diet of self-reliance, individual responsibility, and accountability, affect our compassion for others less fortunate than ourselves?

9. How does compassionate love fuel cross-cultural missions? How has love motivated you?

10. How is love the antidote to inflated self-importance?

A former colleague has written an autobiography. I can remember my mentor, John Stott, commenting that he would never write one because it was dangerous to write about yourself. The tendency is to portray yourself in the best light and to avoid anything that would be embarrassing. In this autobiography the writer lists his achievements, drops names of the celebrated people he met, and dazzles us with his importance. There is no mention of his failures, his being forced to leave a prestigious position because of accusations of impropriety, or his struggles in relationships. In other words, it is dishonest. It is an exercise in boasting.

Love recognizes that everything we possess, everything good and worthy of praise that we have done, is a gift of God. Without God we could do nothing. Love is secure in the love of God. Love feels valued by the most significant player in one’s life. The beloved believer has experienced an encounter with God in Christ. We discover that God is, as Charles Wesley put it “Jesus, Lover of my soul.” Christ is the Bridegroom who “loved the church and gave himself up for her” …. “Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness.”

As the Bride of Christ we are grateful for his love, for his choosing us in love, for providing for us now and in our future, for making us part of his divine life. Because of this identity, we know who we are, and we rejoice in the privileges of our position. We are his family, his household, with constant access into his hospitable presence.

We enjoy these privileges, not because of our merit, but because of his grace. We cannot boast of our blessings as earned by our own efforts, but as freely given to us. God chose us – foolish, weak, lowly and despised as we are – “so that no one may boast before him…..Everything that we have – right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start – comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. That’s why we have the saying, ‘If you’re going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God.’”

The problem is that when we are insecure and indifferent about being loved and valued by God, when that is not enough for us, and we crave the adulation and affirmation of others, we blow our own trumpet.

The basic sin we suffer from is that we want to be loved for ourselves, we want to feel intrinsically important, we want others to recognize our singular worth. Jesus said that we want to be rewarded by our peers, so we boast about our accomplishments. He cautioned about doing good in public to be noticed by others. He warned about announcing with trumpets our giving to the needy so that we are honored by men. He prohibited advertising our praying and fasting to be seen by men. All this is boasting. It will be seen by our peers, and we will be rewarded by our peers, but we will have no reward in heaven. Good works are to be done in secret, and our Father, who sees what is done in secret will reward us. Living out of the love of our heavenly Father rather than our peers is the way to store up treasure in heaven. Trying to impress others in this life is a losing proposition. It requires constant effort to market ourselves. Life becomes a public relations treadmill. We can never rest on our laurels. If we drop out of the race we will be forgotten quickly. We will disappear from sight. That is why political candidates, who are always running for office, must keep themselves continually in the spotlight. By contrast, as Christian believers we should look for our reward from God in the future. His reward should be enough. It is eternal.

But it isn’t, is it? We want affirmation now. We want to be thanked now. We want to be noticed now. We want to be appreciated now. We want to be honored now. Why? Because we are frightened that we will be forgotten, that our contribution will be taken for granted, that our lives will count for nothing. We fear loneliness, anonymity, being lost in the crowd, being insignificant. When we get together with others we talk about ourselves, we blow our own trumpets, we boast about our families, we drop names, because we feel the need to be loved and admired by our peers.

Jesus told the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector to illustrate this condition. The Pharisee stood up in the temple and prayed about himself: “God, I thank you that I am not like other men….I do this and I do that, aren’t I good and worthy of praise?”

He boasted about himself. He was not loving to the tax collector. He looked down on others. He exalted himself. Jesus said, that “everyone who exalts himself will be humbled.” The person who is blind to his own faults, and is full of himself, will be humbled. Love is humble, not boastful about oneself. Love recognizes that we have much to be humble about. “God, have mercy upon me, a sinner” Eventually the boastful will be humbled. Aging has a way of humbling us.

Love does not boast. Love is humble. None of us should be impressed with ourselves. We have no reason to look down on others. We are all sinners who need the mercy and the love of God. All of us will age and do things over which we have no control, which if we knew ahead of time would silence our boasting.

For twenty years I convened an annual meeting of clergy friends in a Covenant Group. We met for three days each January and shared our lives with one another for support and encouragement. Each person has an hour to tell us what is going on in his life. One of our rules was that we must not boast about our achievements. Instead we must share our challenges, our struggles, and our difficulties. We did not want our group to be competitive, where we would play the game of who had the most successful church, who had the greatest numbers, or the biggest budget. It is the spirit of competition that fosters envy, and boasting in order to feel good about yourself.

This can happen in any group. We feel the need to justify our existence, and engage in frantic activities in order to be seen by others and to be rewarded by their approbation. Preachers and politicians make long speeches and long sermons to be seen by men as being serious contenders for public office. To be long-winded is to be boastful. Love that is humble knows the value of an economy of words and gets to the point fast.

At one point in a debate with opponents of the love and grace of God in Christ, St. Paul listed his religious credentials. He called them “reasons to put confidence in the flesh.” He boasted about them: “If anyone thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more.” After listing them he went on to say: “The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I’m tearing up and throwing out with the trash – along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant – [rubbish]. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him.”

What is important to you? What other people think of you! Why is the appreciation of your peers so important to you? Why do you want to be recognized? Why do you feel the need for all that? Why do you feel the need to boast? Why are you insecure in the love of God? How can you embrace Christ, and be embraced by him? Let him love you. Receive his love in Christ. You don’t need to earn that love. You can’t earn that love. It is freely given. But you must be humble enough to accept it, to be wooed and won by the Bridegroom.

GUIDE FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. Read Ephesians 5:25-27, 1 Corinthians 1:29-31 and James 1:17. Where do all our accomplishments come from? What does an awareness of this do to our need to boast?

2. Why do we crave the adulation and affirmation of others?

3. Read Matthew 6:1-17. What did Jesus say about boasting? Where should we look for appreciation?

4. How does aging humble us?

5. How can we avoid looking down on others?

6. What did Shakespeare mean by “comparisons are odorous” ?

7. Competition is ingrained in our culture. How can we relate to one another so that “all shall win and all shall have prizes.”

8. How can you become aware of boasting in your conversation?

9. Read Philippians 3:7,8. What perspective does this give us on what is important in our lives?

10. How can you receive God’s love? What does it mean to you to be the Bride of Christ?

“Love does not envy.” (1 Corinthians 13:4)

The desire to have what others have, to be what they are, is absurd. When we compare ourselves with others we can feel deprived and angry. We can begin to resent their seeming good fortune. We want their skills, their ease of life, their health, their circumstances, their prospects. Instead of enjoying what they are, and how they have been blessed, we envy them, and that envy poisons our relationships, and destroys our happiness. Shakespeare warns us in Othello:

“O! beware, my lord, of jealousy;

It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock

The meat it feeds on.”

Envy rejects the gifts God gives us, and resents our limits. Envy wants it all – or for no one to have anything. Envy is a reaction against differences. Instead of seeing the advantages of others as a challenge to succeed and excel, envy seeks to take away from others what they have. It is the essence of Marxism. It is a leveling down, a compulsory conformism, a denial of distinction. When envy becomes a national or ethnic characteristic, it results in rivalry and violent reaction. It fuels social injustice and conflicts, such as in the Middle East today.

Psalm 73 is the story of a man who fell ill from envy, and who was healed.

“I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong.

They are free from the burdens common to man;

they are not plagued by human ills.”

Their mouths lay claim to heaven,

and their tongues take possession of the earth.”

It reminds me of year-end letters from friends, who tell you all the good things they have done in the previous year, and all the blessings in the lives of their children and grandchildren. They never tell you their struggles and sorrows. The impression given is that their lives are constant sunshine, and in comparison with yours, so much better. We can envy these rosy pictures of their lives. We can resent them and get angry with God.

“What’s going on here? Is God out to lunch?

Nobody’s tending the store.

The wicked get by with everything;

they have it made, piling up riches.

I’ve been stupid to play by the rules;

what has it gotten me?

A long run of bad luck, that’s what –

a slap in the face every time I walk out the door.”

Envy leads to resentment, anger, and self-pity. The only antidote is to trust in God and his love for you. He has his purposes, and you must trust in what he is doing. God knows what he is doing. There is more to this than meets the eye.

“Until I entered the sanctuary of God.

Then I saw the whole picture:

The slippery road you’ve put them on,

with a final crash in the ditch of delusions.

In the blink of an eye, disaster!

A blind curve in the dark, and nightmare!

We wake up and rub our eyes….Nothing.

There’s nothing to them. And there never was.”

There is so much we cannot know about what is going on in the lives of others. We may envy their apparent success, but do we want their hidden struggles and sorrows too? There is nothing so blinding as envy. The serpent, the devil, our weak sinful nature, can make even Paradise appear an insult. Eve was made to feel discontented with what she had been given. So can we be, until we turn to Jesus for guidance, and seek first his kingdom and his life in all its fullness.

“When I was beleaguered and bitter,

totally consumed by envy,

I was totally ignorant,

a dumb ox in your presence,

but you’ve taken my hand.

You wisely and tenderly lead me,

and then you bless me.

You’re all I want in heaven!

You’re all I want on earth.!”

The only answer to envy is trust in the love of God as seen in Jesus. He did not cling to equality with God but shared himself with us.

“He has equal status with God but didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human. Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn’t claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death – and the worst kind of death at that: a crucifixion.”

The love of God as seen in Christ’s descent from heaven and death on the Cross, eliminates envy. When we go into God’s sanctuary, we find the presence of the loving, sacrificing Christ. Envy is defeated by the love of God in Christ. We encounter a God who is not immune to our needs, not withholding his blessing from us, but is doing everything he can to heal us, and give us his abundant eternal life. He gives, not only himself, but his people in the Body of Christ, to share their gifts with us. We learn to appreciate these gifts, to respond in thanks, to count our blessings, and to focus on what we have rather than on what we don’t have.

God’s love is seen in his sharing with us that which is most precious to him. We bear the image of God when we learn to love in the same way. Instead of love being envious, love shares, and gives generously. Instead of us wanting to be or to have what is not ours, we learn to appreciate who we are and what we can contribute to others. We learn to value what we have been given, and what we can do for others.

A Prayer:

Teach us, Father, in whatever state we are, to be content, that we may know both how to be abased and how to abound; that in prosperity we may bless you, who gives us richly all things to enjoy, and in adversity may not allow our faith in your love to fail. Help us to rejoice in the differences between us, and to appreciate what others can contribute to our lives. Allow us to see what we can share with them, and to do so freely. We thank you for giving us your love through Jesus, so that our envy might be forgiven and healed; through his great Name. Amen.

GUIDE FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. Read Mark 7:20-23. What is the origin and source of envy?

2. Why do we envy God’s life?

3. Read 1 Corinthians 12:21-26. Why is the desire to have what others have so ridiculous?

4. Share an example of jealousy as a green-eyed monster?

5. Why is envy the essence of Marxism?

6. How does envy affect politics and international relations?

7. How do you react to year-end letters? Why do friends paint such a rosy picture of their lives and hide their challenges?

8. How can envy blind you?

9. Read Psalm 73. What is God’s antidote to envy?

10. Read Philippians 2:6-8. How is envy defeated?

When King Saul was trying to take the life of David, his son Jonathan pledged to protect his friend, and warn him of what his father was planning to do. In return Jonathan asked David to promise to “show me unfailing kindness like that of the Lord as long as I live, so that I may not be killed, and do not cut off your kindness from my family.” Later, when Saul’s sons, including Jonathan, were slain by the Philistines in a battle on Mount Gilboa, and Saul took his own life, David grieved for their deaths. He was anointed king over Judah and eventually united all the tribes of Israel under his kingship. Twenty years after he made his promise to Jonathan, he asked, “Is there no one still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show God’s kindness?”

“God’s kindness!” This is the quality of kindness that St. Paul talks about as descriptive of love: God is love, love is kind. God demonstrates his loving-kindness to us in what he has done for us in Christ. “But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.” The Gospel is God’s kindness to us, “the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus,” to do something for us that we do not deserve. It is God’s loving kindness that woos and wins our hearts to respond in like manner. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”ⁱ

It was brought to the attention of David that there was a son of Jonathan, who was crippled in both feet, from his nurse dropping him as a baby. David had Mephibosheth recalled from exile to the court and said, “Don’t be afraid, for I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all the land that belongs to your grandfather Saul, and you will always eat at my table.” Overnight Mephibosheth became a rich man, and part of the royal court again.

This is a beautiful picture of the kindness of God. Like Mephibosheth, all of us have been crippled by the Fall. We have fallen short of God’s purpose and plan for our lives. We are crippled in our minds, and emotions, and wills. Like the prodigal son, in a distant country, we have experienced spiritual exile, for there is distance between us and the kingdom of heaven. Then God in his kindness comes to us in Christ, and invites us to sit with him at his heavenly banquet in the palace of his presence.

It is this generosity of character and action that God’s Spirit wishes to produce in our lives. Paul tells us that we should “clothe ourselves with kindness.” Dr. Harold Koenig, in his book, Kindness and Joy: Expressing the Gentle Love, writes, “Real kindness is altruistic and generous at its core. It involves a giving of oneself to another in a completely other-centered way. Kindness is honest and up front. Kindness expects nothing in return, and is wholly focused on the other person’s good. The kind person must intend to do good for the other.”

When General Robert E. Lee was president of Washington Academy, which was renamed Washington and Lee University, a new student came into his office and asked for a copy of the school’s rules and regulations. Lee replied that the school had no printed rules. He said, “Our only rule is kindness.”

Abraham Lincoln said, “Kindness is the only service that will stand the storms of life and not wash out. It will wear well and will be remembered long after the prism of politeness or the complexion of courtesy has faded away.”

How do we clothe ourselves with kindness? For many of us it is very hard. Our personalities, our temperaments, our experiences of life, make it very hard for us to be kind to others. A person may be a devout Christian and yet find it very difficult to be kind. The competitive world of business, the school of hard knocks, and the lack of kindness in our childhood, seem to cripple us, and make us almost incapable of kindness. This is a real problem which cannot be remedied by moral exhortation alone. It requires deep spiritual conversion.

If kindness is a fruit of the Spirit, it can only be produced by the power of the Holy Spirit, and it is nurtured by being in communion with Jesus. Our hearts and habits have to come under the control of the Spirit every day if we are to be kind. Kindness is desiring to live out the Golden Rule of Jesus: “To do to others what you would have them do to you.” It is to treat others as we would wish to be treated ourselves. It is the essence of encouragement.

Clothing ourselves in kindness must be done every day. Just as we require fresh clothes every morning, we have to intentionally put on kindness every day. It requires cultivating the habit of kind interpretations. Our tendency is to judge one another, to be clever in our comments, to the point of sarcasm. Instead, love that is kind gives the other person the benefit of the doubt. It is to opt for charity rather than suspicion, to learn to inwardly praise rather than to criticize. This doesn’t mean being naïve, and lacking discernment. But it forces us to see people in Christ, and to think the best of them. It could transform our attitude to others.

Kind words cost us nothing. They are the stuff of encouragement.

It was but a kindly word,

A word that was lightly spoken;

Yet not in vain

For it stilled the pain

Of a heart that was nearly broken.

It strengthened a faith beset with fears

And groped blindly through the midst of tears,

For light to brighten the coming years,

Although it was lightly spoken.

Frederick Faber has written that “it is harder for a clever man to be kind, especially in his words. He has the temptation to say clever things; and somehow, clever things are hardly ever kind things. There is a drop of acid in them…. A man who lays himself out to amuse is never a safe man to have for a friend… There is also a grace of kind listening… Kind listening is often an act of the most delicate interior mortification, and is a great assistance towards kind speaking.”

Kindness in speaking and listening is an act of humility. It is also more effective than sarcasm. Faber writes, “Satire will not convert men. Hell threatened very kindly is more persuasive than a biting truth about a man’s false position.”

Kindness should never be confused with weakness. The world’s kindness can lead to indulgence which encourages denial of problems, failure to act for the good of others, and excuses bad behavior. It is not kind to allow or overlook bad behavior because of cultural differences or moral relativity. Acceptance of immorality at the expense of God’s commandments is not being kind. Sometimes it requires being willing to be unpopular rather than going along wanting to be accepted. It is kind to be honest with a friend about their lifestyle. It is not kind to allow the influence of non-Christians to corrupt our community. God’s kindness sometimes requires forcing an addict to go through the hell of withdrawal. God’s kindness means saying ‘No’ to a spoiled child, or a spoiled adult. God’s kindness may mean reporting a crime committed by a friend, and making them face the consequences. It may be necessary to be tough in order to be kind. That may be the loving thing to do for the good of the other.

We strengthen ourselves with kindness when we recall God’s kindness coming to us through people in our lives, many of whom, though dead, yet speak through their kindness to us in years past. Our hearts are filled with gratitude as we thank God for them. As David thanked God for his loving kindness shown in Jonathan’s friendship, Mephibosheth thanked God for David’s kindness.

A much quoted saying is attributed to Stephen Grellet. “I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.”

GUIDE FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. How does the story of David, Jonathan and Mephibosheth illustrate the nature of loving kindness?

2. Read Titus 3:4. How is God’s kindness expressed?

3. What is your definition of kindness?

4. How can we clothe ourselves with kindness?

5. What circumstances can make people incapable of kindness?

6. How can they be overcome?

7. How can we cultivate the habit of kind interpretation?

8. Why is it hard for a clever man, or a humorous man to be kind?

9. How do you avoid kindness being confused with weakness?

10. How can you maintain kindness in the face of cruelty?