Anyway, i have resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to the gym today. And as punishment for my lack of sticktuitivness, I will forego the perperoni pizza that was slated for dinner this eve(papa johns) and instead I will have a veggie burger (maybe two). Also, since I can’t NOT workout at all I have determined that I have to, before the day is out, complete 120 pushups and 150 sit-ups… score one for home workouts lol… thus far I have done 20 pushups and 40 situps.  I’ll let ya know if I make it

back to rainy wednesday living (lauryn hill pandora station, candle burning and general chillaxing..

Peace & Love,
Teddi

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I remind myself why I’m working so hard, often. I think back to one year ago when I was still struggling to get my income up to the point where I could support myself. or two years ago, when I was still at BlueCross BlueShield, working a job a hated and asking myself if I could really make this freelance thing work full-time…. I remember how my living situation was terrible, but I was stuck in it… and then I look at where I am right now. I look at the goals I’ve checked off and the ones I’m only a few months from achieving… and then I smile to myself and say “Thanks for sticking it out”….

Sometimes I imagine the older version of myself and I ask him, what should I be doing right now… and he tells me, work hard and build the life you want me to have… So I grind today for his benefit tomorrow. And everyday I thank the me of yesterday for getting me just a little bit further along this path I’ve chosen…

I’m not where I want to be, but I’m much much further than where I used to be….

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The image is one I found on another blog (http://www.promoslogos.com/weblog/are-you-tired/)
Peace & Love,
~Teddi B

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Anyway, about the solitude. I actually dont think it’s getting to me. I’m enjoying it and business has never been better. I need to learn to strike a balance between the energy I give to other people and the energy I get from other people. So many of my relationships are unbalanced. I give much more than I ever get, and that’s gotta stop.

I think my hiatus from social life is just about over, but I will have to go back into with eyes wide open and limit the people I allow to take from me to them who actually give in return. Some people I know will have to learn to be less self-absorbed in order to be a part of my new core group, and I suspect that some won’t. In which case, I will have less friends… at some point you have to do what’s best for yourself, regardless of how other people feel about it. This is a journey that I’ve , been on for a long time…I am approaching the end

******* Sidenote ********
Next wednesday is the last soulstage. I will be in attendance whether my hiatus is over or not! so you can catch me there. Probably wont take the stage, but I’ll be out to support. Brandon and Marlo have been a big influence to me and always supported. I’m sure we’ll all miss soulstage! http://www.souluonline.com/

******* Sidenote 2 *******
I would marry sara bareilles just on the strength of her cover of “sitting on the dock of the bay” lol (serious face)… have you heard it??? if you had you would marry her too… somebody who knows her hook me up!
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Peace & Love,
Teddi B

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I wrote this one for the last napowrimo, but it got bumped for “black and mild” and I never got around to posting it
This is part two of the Change

your perception of my person
lacks inspection of my traits

I stand, in overt insurrection
cus my essence can’t be caged

I’ll never fit the box you fashioned
far too fervent in my rage

and every instance you envision
lacks the realness of my face

So stop…
This time just watch

I’ll always show you who I am
never been one to wear the mask

I’m so transparent you dont see me
just create who you think I am

..or who I should be
who I could be..but i’m not

I’ve reached end of burden bearing
Done keeping your time on my watch

I’m synching up with my own being
being only who I am

this is the onset of my living
…the end of selfless giving
witness the death of overt feeling…

~Teddi B Poetic

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You probably have noticed that I missing from facebook. A little while ago I took a week long hiatus from facebook and I blogged about it. and since I’m getting back into blogging, I figure I’ll blog about this one too haha…

In all seriousness though, it’s not so much a hiatus as it is a reverberation of an internal need for external silence and peace of mind.

“you cannot control the people around you, but you can control your willingness to entertain them”

I was on facebook one day (maybe two or three weeks ago) and I was really feeling like people were getting on my nerves. everyone was irritating, and my page abounded with negative energy. On top of which, I was having a slow month as far as business, so I was doubly burdened. I have long held that other people’s issues are their own and when they start spilling over into my peace then I have to let those people go. But, it wasn’t just those people(though there were specific people), it was the whole facebook experience that I wasn’t enjoying anymore. So, I cut myself off from those external energies… cold turkey(why is it called that????)!

Since my facebook exodus I’ve been great! business has picked up, I feel more productive, my spirit is less heavy, and I get to choose who I let into my personal being. I have kept in touch with maybe three people from facebook and I only see one on a regular basis. This reduction in external energies has been really good for me, as it allows me to focus on me. I am being “self-centered”, as a friend put it, and I’m loving me more for it.

My compassion and empathy for the feelings and well-being of others often gets in the way of my progress and self-fulfillment. And I didnt really realize that until I removed myself from those influences. It’s funny, the things and people who made me happy, are the very things and people who tend to drag me down. I’m not sure what that means, but there’s a connectivity there….

Anyway, that’s the update on my facebook absence. fyi, you can still find me one twitter to a very small extent. there’s less interaction there so  it doesn’t really affect me. it’s just nice to check in on folks every once in a while

Peace & Love,
Teddi B

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like winter’s muse, the fall steps in
and there’s no use in trying
to hold on to the moments passed
cus we all know, no moment lasts
beyond appointed timing

time just unfolds and folds again
creates new shapes that hold the bends
of every instance we’ve experienced….

~Teddi B

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Im thinking maybe I could be the one to need here
you could give me back what I been giving you
but seems like I’m the only one who ever bleeds here
and the truth..
is that I’ve always known what I gotta do

But if you’d…
Just gimme one reason to stay here
and I’ll turn right back around

[this is unfinished... but it may end up being a performance piece, so if you've seen me perform, you know how this goes, lol]

Peace & Love,
Teddi B

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Wasn’t it the same dollar?

reminds me of toll highways
in the pan handle

seems like the only thing
that aint taxed is panhandling

..that’s probably why they try to shut it down
under the guise of public nuisance…
political nuisance is more likely..
they think we dont peep the nuance..

But “god bless america”
Where you handing me a dollar
for a job well done
means I gotta break uncle sam off some

…twice!

More than that, really..
cus if I spend it on some tangibles
I get taxed for owning shit
like “this land is our land”
but we pay protection to the government

Biggest extortion ring ever built…

and I’m not really complaining
but it seems like if gov need that much dough
momma would tell them to go get a job
or start doing they one they have…

I’m just sayin…

~Teddi B

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He finds pride in the work
But sallie mae don’t accept pride
for education

Chalk it up to a loss
they say it pays to be the boss
but not in dollars and cents it don’t

Not always…

New Hustle…
Cus it’s still better to be the boss
Than to be on someone else’s time
barely making it, with nickels and dimes

They say..
“Get a real job..”
and he’s perpelexed
Cus he aint never put in more work in his life
sounds lot like “lay down and die”
…to him

New Hustle…
He’d rather clean up houses
than get w-2′d for office work

w-9 feels good at tax time..
..if he files taxes…

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She whispers, almost whimpers into the phone
“I can’t talk to you anymore”
and I can feel his eyes
burning through her words

…he’s there with her

He’s so insecure..
So weak…
So lonely..

she thinks he’s strong
But I know better

He uses fear to keep her
and I’ve heard he beats her
but she would never admit it to me
And I pray that her kids don’t see

I think…

“is she so insecure…
…weak
lonely…”

The phone beeps
facebook tells me she’s messaged me
I check the message
already irritated before the first word
But I had to
Because I love her…

She’s written…
“I miss you. I’m leaving him…”
and I can feel the sincerity in the words
But I don’t believe her…
it’s not the first time

And I wonder…

What makes a beautiful woman, like her
break her back, and heart time and again
for a man who treats her no better than a pet
A thing to be had and controlled

What breaks a beautiful woman
into a million little pieces
to be easily managed
by hands that have no intention of restoring them

I don’t respond…
I can’t, because Im tired
My heart is heavy from aching for her
and I can’t do it, right now….

I think…

“does that make me a bad person”
through the silen tears shed for her

I often wonder…

“why doesnt she just leave?”
and I want to blame her
for not being strong enough
for her children who will be more likely
to accept abusive relationships

But I can’t…
because I love her…

I message back…
….no response…

and I think…

“she must be back with him…”

~Teddi B

Tracy Chapman – Behind the Wall

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