Teen Dreams!

An abuse of trust

2007-01-27T22:36:00.000-05:00

Hello beauties:

I'm back after taking a couple of days off from posting. I'm considering moving my blog to another platform so I'm going to do some more research into it.

I caught a few minutes of renegadepress.com which is a Canadian TV show. The storyline tonight had a female teacher having an affair with a male student. Pretty topical right now when it seems like every time we turn around there is another adult being charged with molesting a child. It's sick!

"Relationships" such as these are wrong on so many levels. For one thing, there is an imbalance of power between the child and the adult. This means that anything the adult does with the child is exploitation, plain and simple. There can never be equality between a child (or teenager) and an adult.

On another level, adults have the ability to make choices clearly. Something that children and teenagers do not based on their life's experiences. When an adult chooses to molest a child they do so with the full knowledge that they are doing something wrong (and illegal.) Most don't care because they want the instant gratification of relieving their needs on an innocent child.

Adults will sometimes use the fact that the child enjoyed the encounter as an excuse that the child "wanted it". This is so wrong! Sexual contact can be very pleasurable and the child or teenager may enjoy it but that doesn't give the molester the right to take advantage of the child. It is not consensual because the underaged child cannot consent.

People that molest children and teenagers are disturbed and they do not have boundaries. It doesn't matter if the molester is male or female. A female molester is just as sick as a male one.

What is especially heinous is a molester that is in a position of authority over a child (i.e. a teacher, priest, club leader etc.) These people have a duty to protect and nurture children and to help them grow up to be productive members of society. Tragically, a molested child gets stunted. They are scarred for life. Now this isn't to say that they cannot get over the abuse and move on but they have an extra burden to carry while they navigate the treacherous waters of adolescence and young adulthood. This is a burden that no child should have to bear.

I'm going to get off my soapbox now.

Hugs to you!

Martyn

Suicide is a permanent solution!

2007-01-24T23:00:00.000-05:00

Hello beautiful ones!

Tonight I had a mind blowing experience. My wonderful mentor, coach, and friend held another class with University of Masters (where she is a master teacher). Tonight's topic was suicide and how we can help prevent it. It was just an amazing, eye-opening class.

The class brought back some memories that I try not to think of too often. They are painful and I don't like to be reminded of them because they show me at my most vulnerable point. I've mentioned before that my teenage years were pretty miserable. I often thought of killing myself. I wished I was dead. I used to look in the mirror and think that I was just the most colossal waste of space. I loathed myself and everything about me. I was wracked with guilt, shame, and self disgust.

Thankfully, the Universe had other plans for me and my life. I can think of a couple of things that got me through those dark days. One was my love for reading. Through books, I got a glimpse of the outside world and I think, subconsciously, I knew that there was something better out there waiting for me.

My other salvation was the love and acceptance of my friend Susan. I've mentioned her before. I used to help her with her housework on Friday nights. Most weeks we would just sit and talk. She would listen to my hopes and fears and give me unconditional support and encouragement. She was an amazing role model for me and I loved her dearly.

Suicide is a tragedy for all involved, the victim and the ones left to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. There is such stigma attached to the topic of suicide. Victims are thought to be selfish. Really, they are in pain and the only option that they see for themselves is to end their suffering. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.

Please, if you are having thoughts of death or suicide, reach out for help. There are wonderful people willing to take you by the hand and lead you into the light. You don't have to do it alone.

If you know of someone who is talking about death or suicide, take them seriously. They have given you the gift of a sign that they are crying out for help. Don't ignore the sign. Take any talk of suicide very seriously and contact a trusted adult or professional.

I'd like to leave you with the chorus of one of my favourite songs.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"

The Fray "How To Save a Life" 2005

Here are some final thoughts that might make you feel better if you are entertaining thoughts of ending your life. You are beautiful. You are unique. There is no one else like you in the world and you cannot be replaced. If you were to end your life, there is no one else that could take your place because you are irreplaceable! You are a gift to the world. The world needs your talents and we are waiting for you to make your beautiful mark on the planet! Remember that you are loved and that, above all, you have value.

Sending you the biggest possible virtual hug,

Martyn

How many wives can one man have?

2007-01-23T22:31:00.000-05:00

Hello lovely ones!

I've just finished watching In God's Country. It stars Kelly Rowan (from the O.C.) as Judith, a woman married to a man with 7 other wives. She had 5 children of her own and her husband (her second) had 48 other children.

One of Judith's children, Charlotte, falls in love with a young man and wants to marry him but she is forbidden to because she is "supposed" to marry an older man, namely her stepfather.

Freedom of religion is one of the rights that we have. Everyone has the basic right to express their faith in whatever way they see fit. Polygamy, however, is illegal in both Canada and the U.S. Polygamous sects have been raided and the men charged with various offences like sex with minors.

I would have no qualms about men marrying more than one wife. Hey, whatever floats your boat. Not for me but who am I to judge. However, polygamist societies marry their girls off really young (there was talk of marrying off the 12-year old daughter of Kelly's character Judith) and they treat their women and children as possessions. I have a problem with that. Women and children are people and not property. And 12 is too young to be marrying anyone!

What I find really sad about this kind of society is that their women are prevented from getting an education. Judith didn't go past the 7th grade. In my opinion, education is crucial for a young person's development. When children are denied an education, I think their growth gets stunted. This does not make them productive members of society.

Well, I'll get off my soapbox now. Thanks for listening to my rant. That was a good movie and brought up some strong opinions. I love a movie that can do that!

Hugs,

Martyn

Community and Belonging

2007-01-22T23:19:00.000-05:00

Hello gorgeous!

I am so excited today! I have had the best weekend. You know (because I've told you many times - like a broken record LOL) that I'm searching for my authenticity. I'm doing a lot of reading, writing, watching videos, and thinking as I process all that I'm learning. All this work has been fantastic, inspiring, and thought-provoking but there was something missing.

What's missing is the opportunity to talk about what I'm discovering and to get support that way. Now, this isn't to say that my friends have not been supportive because they have been. My coach, also, has been amazingly encouraging (in fact, she was the catalyst for my decision to start this journey to self awareness). So even though I have people in my life that I can talk to, they cannot really understand what I'm thinking and feeling because it is not in their realm of possibility. This is not to put them down or anything but they cannot walk a mile in my shoes because they don't feel as I do.

The reason that I'm so excited today is that I found two groups here in London where I can find people who understand me and what I'm feeling. I've been searching for resources like this for almost 7 weeks now and it just seemed like I was never going to find them. I was skirting around the periphery but I never landed in the middle. It's like a whole new community has opened up before me and I have the possibility of being accepted with open arms.

Community is really important to me for that sense of belonging to something bigger than myself. After all, "No man is an island." I think it was Ernest Hemingway that said that. I've felt so alone in my struggles for self acceptance, not all the time but a good deal of the time. Now it's time to reach out for the support and kinship that I crave with like-minded people. It's time to expand my horizons, network, and have fun.

I wish for you the greatest sense of belonging possible!

Hugs,

Martyn

Sex, Politics, and Religion - The 3 Taboos

2007-01-21T23:05:00.000-05:00

Hello lovely ones!

I have a question for you today. Why is it that sex, politics, and religion are considered impolite topics for conversation? I have a theory about this. Everyone has their own opinion on these matters and no one likes to be told that their opinion is the wrong one. To spare the controversy that these things elicit, it was considered rude to discuss them in public in earlier days. Now it seems like anything goes and all topics are discussed in public. This is a good thing I think.

I've talked before about truth. In the coaching world there is the client's truth, the coach's truth, and the factual truth. We all have our own personal truths and they are filtered by our backgrounds, beliefs, experiences, judgments, and values. We like to think that our truth is the only RIGHT one. We often don't want to see that there is another truth out there that may be very different from our own.

Sex, religion, and politics are the ones that are most controversial because there are so many different points of view. Each of us has her own beliefs on each of these topics. What I learned long ago, way before I started my coach training, was to respect other people's opinions as long as they didn't encroach on mine. I have my own personal beliefs about sex, politics, and religion and if asked, I will share them. I do not, however, go pushing my opinions onto others. That would be rude, obnoxious, and disrespectful.

It's important to know where you stand when it comes to these three controversial matters. Only you can decide for yourself what your beliefs are. Other people may try to influence you but you have the ultimate say in what you believe to be true for yourself. Know your beliefs! Know yourself! Your opinion matters and it is your's alone!

Hugs,

Martyn

Seabiscuit

2007-01-20T22:56:00.000-05:00

Hello gorgeous!

I just finished watching Seabiscuit. That was a really good movie. Very inspiring. The underlying theme was overcoming adversity and going on to do your very best.

If you're not familiar with the story, it's about a racehorse named Seabiscuit who was on the verge of being put down when he was rescued by a loner named Tom. Charles, torn by grief at the death of his young son and abandoned by his wife, buys Seabiscuit and hires Red, a young jockey, to ride the horse.

These three men and the horse create a pseudo family united by the goal of having Seabiscuit win races. The efforts of Seabiscuit and his team united a nation during the dark days of the Great Depression. People were looking for any possibility of hope and something to believe in. They found hope in Seabiscuit.

Both Seabiscuit and Red overcame potentially crippling injuries to compete again in another race despite the risks. That shows true courage.

When you watch a movie like that you kind of have to ask yourself what you would do to achieve your goals. Would you risk your health? Would you risk being permanently disabled? What are you willing to sacrifice to reach your goals? If the goal is important enough to you, nothing should stand in your way. Answers to these kinds of questions can determine your committment to the goal.

So, beautiful ones, what are you willing to do to achieve your goals?

Hugs,

Martyn

Dreams

2007-01-19T23:36:00.000-05:00

Hello beautiful ones!

Here's another quote from Chicken Soup for the Entrepreneur's Soul. The late Erma Bombeck, America's beloved humourist, said "It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else." Very true, Erma!

When we show our dreams to someone else we never really know what kind of reaction we're going to get. We could get any emotional response from the other person like ridicule, disgust, happiness, joy, enthusiasm, or confusion. There really is no limit to the different reactions that people can have when faced with someone's dream.

Sometimes people will try to put down our dreams because it disrupts the status quo and they don't like change. Other times, people will be jealous because we have dreams that they don't have or they are afraid that our dreams are more important than they are.

What we have to remember when we have a dream is that it is ours and we must protect and nurture it. We have to let the dream grow and come to being. Our dreams are sacred. They are a gift from the Universe.

If we choose to share our dreams with others, we must be prepared to defend them. I've had to do this with my mother. I told her that I found out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life (coaching) and she said "Martyn, you're dreaming!" There was such disgust in her voice as she reacted to my news. I hope so! If I can't dream I think I would rather be dead.

I'll admit it, I have big dreams for my future. I know I'm going to achieve them, too. I'm not going to let anything or anyone stop me. This is my life we're talking about here and I'm the mistress of my own destiny. I get to choose how I want to live my life and what I want to accomplish and experience.

You, dear one, have the same opportunity to make your life what you want it to be. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't be anything that you want. You deserve to have a life as wonderful and unique as your beautiful self. So dream those big dreams! Believe in yourself! The world is open to you and is just waiting for you to make your precious mark on it. Go make it!

Hugs,

Martyn

All for the love of perfection

2007-01-18T22:51:00.000-05:00

Hello darling ones!

Here's another fortune cookie quote " You have yearning for perfection." Very true. I've always been a perfectionist. It's caused me a great deal of stress over the years and most of it was unnecessary.

When I was preparing to give a teleclass on Highly Sensitive Children for the University of Masters, I was reading the Highly Sensitive Child by Dr. Elaine Aron. In the book she wrote that highly sensitive children strive for perfection to cover up a a flaw that they feel is inherent in themselves. That was me. I felt flawed as a child. I felt that there was something seriously wrong with me. One way I tried to be perfect was by copying my class notes over and over again until they were perfect. It was my way of having control over part of my life when I felt that I had no control.

I was such a good girl when I was a child because I obeyed my parents and teachers and I didn't rock the boat. The only time that my parents were ever called in to school for a parent-teacher conference was just as I was about to graduate from grade 8 and my teacher told my mother that I had to stop being a perfectionist because it would hurt me when I got to high school. I wouldn't have the time to copy my notes over because there would be too much work.

These days, and with some coaching skills in my personal toolkit, I'm learning that I am perfect right now just as I am. I am exactly where I'm meant to be. One of the beliefs of the coaching field is that everyone is perfect just as they are and they do not need fixing. Get this, you ARE perfect just as you are!

Now instead of perfection, I'm striving for authenticity. I want people to see the real me, without the mask I've been wearing my whole life. Everyday I'm getting closer to revealing my truth for the world to see. It's exciting and scary and it feels risky but it's something that is necessary for me to grow into my power. I will be powerful. I will be real. I will be authentic. What about you?

Hugs,

Martyn

Ah, the frustrations of life

2007-01-18T07:28:00.000-05:00

Hello lovelies:

This is a very early post because Blogger was acting up last night when I wanted to make one so I decided to go to bed instead. Which brings me to the topic for today: What do do when you're frustrated? Well, you could scream and swear like I had two customers do to me yesterday. You could grin and bear it (like I do most of the time.) You could vent to a friend. I often do this as well. You could also distract yourself with something else (I also do this) There are lots of different ways to deal with frustrations. Some are healthier than others.

We all get frustrated. It's just part of life because there will always be people and things that disappoint and hurt us. It's inevitable. But it's what we do with the frustrations that determine whether we sail through life relatively stress free or we get bogged down with our disappointments and frustrations and stagnate. Here are some ideas off the top of my head to deal with the frustrations of life:

get a sounding board. Confide in a trusted friend what is bothering you. There is a saying that goes something like "A problem shared is halved." Talking about our issues helps to lessen them.
if you want to distract yourself, pick healthy activities like exercise, reading, treating yourself to a movie, whatever makes you feel more in control of your life
if someone has disappointed you, try to remember that everyone has their own beliefs, attitudes, habits, and patterns. Their personal truth is going to be different from yours. Try to be tolerant of the differences.
deal with it. When we have a frustration that is recurring or just won't go away, sometimes all we have to do is look at it and find a solution. Life is too short to have frustrations that hang on and on.
look at the big picture. In 20 years is this frustration you are having now really going to matter? Only you can decide that. If it doesn't matter, let it go. Don't hang onto frustrations because then you become bitter and that's certainly not an attractive trait.

So that's my thoughts on frustrations for the day. Now I'm heading off to work to have a frustration-free day of helping customers with their Internet service problems. Have a happy stress-free day, lovely ones!

Hugs,

Martyn

What you know

2007-01-16T21:33:00.000-05:00

Hello darlings:

The quote for today comes from a fortune cookie I got who knows when. I have about 25 of them pinned to my bulleting board. The fortune reads "Listen to what you know instead of what you fear." I love that one.

I have a good example for this one. I heard Sharon Wilson give a telecall (that's like a class done over the phone with several hundred people listening at the same time) on November 16, 2005 for the Coaching Institute. At that time, she was one of the co-founders of the school. She talked about what coaching is, how it can be done, and how you can learn to be a coach. I was almost crying as I listened to her because this is what I had been looking for my whole life and didn't know it. I hadn't even finished listening to the call before I was at the website and signing up for training. I was so excited! I knew that my life would never be the same (and it hasn't been).

Then the fear set in. Did I make the right decision? That was a lot of money. Did I just waste it? How will I ever make it as a coach? These thoughts are now what I realize as limiting beliefs (they are the ones that play in your mind like broken tapes and tell you that you aren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough). I was literally paralyzed by the fear. I procrastinated in doing my homework. It wasn't until my friend told me bluntly that I just spent a lot of money on the course and I better get moving or I would be wasting the money. That was the motivation I needed to start taking action.

As I got into the course work I started believing in my abilities to be a good coach. I absorbed my lessons and started living them every day. My colleagues at the call centre noticed the difference in me. My supervisor remarked that I looked very happy these days. I was listening to what I knew about myself and trusting in my previous academic successes and the teachings of my coaching training. I knew I was going to make an awesome coach!

So here are some words of wisdom from someone who has felt the fear and done it anyway. Don't let fear hold you back. Remember fear is just False Evidence Appearing Real. It's not real. Fear is what you make of it and you can banish it from your mind.

Go after your dreams, beautiful one. Don't let anyone or anything stand in your way of all that you deserve. You deserve the best that life has to offer. You have value and worth by just being on this planet. I believe in you and I know that you can do anything that you want. You go, girl!

Hugs,

Martyn

My greatest shame

2007-01-15T18:07:00.000-05:00

Hello awesome ones!

This is going to be a hard post to write because I'm about to reveal something that to this day I feel great shame over. It's especially appropriate because today is Martin Luther King Day in the States. A day declared to celebrate the equality of all human beings.

Let me give you a little bit of background. I've mentioned before that my mother is very judgmental but that's not all she is. She's also bigoted, racist, and homophobic. As near as I can tell, she's had no reason to be. She hasn't ever mentioned any bad experiences that might have coloured her perspective. The only thing I can think of is the generation that she was born into (being born in 1930 and growing up during the Depression) was not very tolerant of differences.

So what does my mother have to do with my greatest shame? I'm getting to the point here. When I was in public school, I had to be bused in to the nearest town (and it was a loooooong ride). I had a little friend that I used to sit with on the bus and I liked her very much. My little friend was African-Canadian (her family was the only black family in the whole area.)

One day, I think she must have said something to me (I don't even know what) and I called her the N-word. I'd heard it at home but I don't think I understood the implications of using that word against another person. I remember the look of hurt in her eyes and I immediately felt ashamed. I understood at that point that I NEVER EVER wanted to hurt another person that way again.

That day was a turning point for me. I started seeing that I didn't want to hate groups of people just because they were different from me. I realized that I didn't have to believe in the same things that my mother did. I could have my own opinions about things. I could make the choice between being intolerant or being compassionate and non-judgmental. I choose to think that we are all created equal. We all have the same feelings, wants, desires, and loves. The colour of our skin and the people that we choose to love does not mean that inside we are any different from anyone else. We are all beautiful, unique, wonderful human beings!

I don't even remember the little girl's name now (it's probably been at least 30 years) but I wish that I could apologize to her for the nasty name I called her. I'm not sure if she would have remembered the incident all this time (maybe it scarred her or maybe it was just one more remark in a long list of racial slurs she heard) but I would love to tell her that she changed my life that day. I would like her to know that because of her, my values and beliefs veered away from my mother's that day and I started to think for myself.

So on this day that we celebrate the birth of Dr. Martin Luther King, I would like to leave you with this quote from Dr. King's most famous speech "I have a dream that one day ... little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers." I, too, have that dream, Dr. King! Peace be with all of you.

Hugs,

Martyn

The mask I wear

2007-01-14T23:05:00.000-05:00

Hello beautiful ones!

In my quest to become more authentic I'm doing lots of reading these days. This morning when I was down in the laundry room doing a few loads of laundry, I came across a passage in a self-help book. It reminded me of something that I had forgotten for a long time.

When I was in therapy 16 years ago, I was told by my therapist that I wear a mask. That was the first time I had been introduced to that concept and it just fit. I had learned how to survive in a hostile environment (my childhood) by presenting a public self, a mask to my family, friends, peers, and the world at large. Negative emotions like anger and grief were frowned upon in my family. I had to present a happy facade to protect myself.

Ever since I can remember I've used laughter to cover up my feelings. I've giggled when I'm angry, upset, hurt, embarassed, or depressed. I was the happy, jolly fat girl but underneath I had a secret, private, real self. Someone I knew intuitively I was. The real Martyn, not the fake one I presented to the world. The greater the difference between my public and private selves the more confused I felt about myself and how I related to the world.

I think that I probably would have kept on presenting this mask to the world had I not started my coaching journey. One of the greatest benefits to becoming a coach is to have the opportunity to be coached yourself. My coach, and she will disagree with this, changed my life. She would say that I did the work myself and that is true. But it is with her support and encouragement that I have come this far in such a short amount of time.

I'm starting to integrate my public and private selves now. It's been confusing, painful, exhilarating, and affirming. It's been just a month since I decided that I needed to start this journey. What a ride it's been! I've found wonderful resources both in print and online. I've spoken with amazing, supportive people. I can feel the progress I've made.

Most importantly, I can see the shifts I've made in my thinking. This is where true change takes place. When we can examine our beliefs, habits, patterns, and attitudes honestly and with awareness, then we have the ability to discard those that don't serve us anymore. This is being authentic. Every day I feel I'm getting closer to my goal of being the real, authentic Martyn. Watch out world because there will be no holding me back when that happens!

Thank you for sharing this journey with me by reading these posts. Live authentically, dear ones!

Hugs,

Martyn

The Terminal

2007-01-13T23:30:00.000-05:00

Hello darlings!

I watched The Terminal tonight on TV. This true story starred Tom Hanks as an Eastern European citizen who traveled to the U.S. and got caught between a rock and a hard place. While he was in the air, his country went to war. He couldn't go back there and because he couldn't get an American visa, he couldn't leave the airport.

Victor, Tom's character, arrived in the U.S. barely speaking any English and unable to understand the airport officials who told him his country was at war. When he finally found out what was happening back home you could just see the horror on his face. I felt so bad for him I wanted to cry (but I sucked it up like a big girl LOL)

Victor ended up spending several months in the airport terminal (I think in real life it was something like 15 months.) He created his own little world there. I have to hand it to him, his resourcefulness was amazing. I don't think I could handle those kinds of conditions. I like my creature comforts too much. I could probably do without TV (but I would miss some shows a great deal) but I couldn't deal without my computer. And for heaven's sake, the guy was eating crackers with ketchup on them. Gross!

It was a great movie and it really made me think about how lucky I have it. I live in a very safe country, I have a great apartment to live in, I have my little Cocoa, I have wonderful friends, I have a job that pays the bills, and I have a great coaching practice. I am truly blessed!

Well, I'm off to count my many blessings. When you get a chance count yours too. The more we are grateful for, the more the Universe gives us. Wishing you abundant blessings!

Hugs,

Martyn

Promises are made to be kept!

2007-01-12T19:30:00.000-05:00

Hello gorgeous!

I was coming home tonight from tutoring my reluctant reader at the library when I found something in my pocket that I had forgotten was there. It was the fortune from my fortune cookie that I got when my family came to visit me just before New Year's. The fortune reads "Keep the promises that you make." Very profound!

So I got to thinking about all the promises that I make in everyday life that I keep:

I made a promise to take care of Cocoa for the rest of her life when she came to live with me 13 years ago this month.
I made a promise to my best friend to love and support her in any way that I could.
I made a promise to my little friend to love him for the rest of his life on the day he was born (but I already adored him before he even arrived!)
I made a promise to my employer to be at work everyday on time and ready for work.
I made a promise to volunteer at the library as a tutor for a year.
I made a promise to my landlord to pay my rent in full and on time every month.

These are just a few of the promises that stick out in my mind right now. These promises all have one thing in common - they are promises made to another person (or kitty). So what about promises that I make for myself? These are the most important ones, I think. The promises that you make and keep are the ones that show your true character.

When I began my coaching journey in November 2005, I made a promise to myself that I was going to learn the coaching skills and become the best coach I could possibly be. I know without a doubt that this is the right path for me. It's the one I have been searching for my whole life. All the detours that I took in my past life have prepared me to become an extraordinary coach. I have a solid foundation of skills to build upon and I'm doing that by continuing to learn even after I have already received my certification from my training program. For you see, I'm a believer in lifelong learning. I will NEVER stop learning until I take my last breath on this earth.

So what about you? What promises are you making? Which promises are you keeping and which ones are you breaking? Consider this - if you break a promise, was the promise really worth keeping? Only you can decide that but remember that our characters are often judged by the promises that we keep. Let the world know that you are a woman of honour!

Hugs,

Martyn

My funny bone was tickled tonight

2007-01-11T23:08:00.000-05:00

Hello brilliant ones!

The topic of the day is laughter. Did you know that children laugh several hundres times per day and adults only laugh a few. I think that should be reversed. After all, growing up is serious business but adults are already grown up and deserve to have all the fun LOL Just kidding!

I spent a very enjoyable half hour tonight watching my favourit sitcom. Thursday nights is for The Office. I love that show! It always cracks me up. The scary thing is that I've had bosses like Michael Scott so the humour sometimes strikes a nerve. Sometimes I just have to wince at it. But it's still really funny!

Other things that make me laugh are British comedies like Are You Being Served? and Mr. Bean, comics like Calvin and Hobbes, movies like Wayne's World and There's Something About Mary, and TV shows like My Name is Earl and the Drew Carey show (when it was on). I would have to say that my humour style is pretty eclectic and varies between black humour, dry humour, juvenile humour, and sarcasm. The only types I don't like are mean humour or humour that is derogatory to groups of people.

I love laughing because it gives my insides a workout. It's also a great stress reliever and I needed that today. It's a well known fact that laughter releases endorphins in the body and those are the feel good hormones. I guess the saying is true "Laughter is the best medicine!"

So what do you laugh at? I'd love to hear if you wanted to share your comments with me. Happy laughing!

Hugs,

Martyn

My promise to you!

2007-01-10T21:38:00.000-05:00

Hello beauties!

I just finished participating in my wonderful mentor's class with University of Masters on 50 Ways to Show Teens You Love and Respect Them. It was very inspiring so I thought to myself "what could I do to show my teen clients that I love and respect them?" Well, I developed my own list. So without further ado here is my list of 25 ways I will show my clients that I love and care about them:

1. I will create the structure and boundaries for the coaching relationship. This way we both know upfront what is expected of us.
2. I will tell you often how much I enjoy coaching you.
3. I will marvel at you as the beautiful, unique, wonderful being that you are!
4. I will believe in you always, without fail!
5. I will marvel in your growth and we will celebrate how far you've come.
6. I will applaud and celebrate your successes.
7. I will not fix you. You are perfect as you are right now. You do not need fixing.
8. I will ask you how you are doing and really listen deeply to the answers.
9. I will honour your feelings. Your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's and deserve to be heard.
10. I will learn what you have to teach me. I am the student and you are my teacher.
11. I will ask for your opinions and honour and respect them as your truth.
12. I will keep promises that I make. Always!
13. I will be consistent.
14. I will be curious with you. I will ask powerful questions and listen for the answers.
15. I will let you solve your own problems. I will be with you to help you discover your own solutions.
16. I will admit when I make a mistake. It happens! I'm not perfect.
17. I will let you make mistakes and I will not judge you for them. I will be there to support you as you learn and grow from your mistakes.
18. I will be with you in your sadness and confusion. I will create a safe space for you to feel your feelings and express them.
19. I will find the hope if it is missing and communicate it to you.
20. I will give you immediate honest feedback without judgment.
21. I will be honest and authentic with you
22. I will give you the time that you need to think about what I've said and respond to it.
23. I will insist that you act like a teenager. Your job as a teen is to learn about yourself and I am here to help you uncover your authentic self.
24. I will keep my heart open so that it can connect with your heart.
25. I will tell you outright that I love you.

This list is my promise to you as your coach.

Hugs,

Martyn

A nice relaxing evening...

2007-01-09T23:07:00.000-05:00

Hello gorgeous ones!

This will be another quick one tonight. I've had a very relaxing evening. I decided to just veg and watch TV. That happens very rarely these days.

I used to be a real TV addict. I would plan my week around what was on TV and I wouldn't make any plans if there was something on that I wanted to watch. My friends used to laugh at me but I think it worried them a bit too.

These days I don't get a chance to watch a lot of TV. I'm too busy building my coaching practice and before that I was studying for my certification. I'm not complaining because I love what I'm doing! I do still tape my favourite shows but I don't even get a chance to keep up with them.

The Fall season used to be my favourite time of the year because the new shows debuted. This past year there was only one show that I was really looking forward to and that was Ugly Betty. I loved America Ferrera in both movies I saw her in (Real Women Have Curves and Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants). Unfortunately, I missed the first episode and since I hate doing that I never caught the rest of the series. I'll buy it when it comes out on DVD.

So the point of this whole rambling is that I took advantage of something that I loved doing as a treat to myself. It's important to do things that you love doing. After all, we cannot work all the time or we get burned out and then we aren't any fun to be around. Remember to have fun. It makes life much more enjoyable.

Hugs.

Martyn

That clutter is taking over your life!

2007-01-08T22:02:00.000-05:00

Hello awesome ones!

I'll make this a short one because I'm tired and heading off for bed soon. It's been a long but productive day. The topic for the day is clutter. I'll be the first to admit that I have a lot of clutter. My desk is cluttered, my apartment is cluttered, and my e-mail is cluttered. All this clutter really sucks the energy out of me.

Yesterday, I started taking action against the e-mail clutter. I still had e-mails from October in the e-mail program that I was testing temporarily. I didn't like the program because it kept crashing so I reverted back to my previous e-mail client, Thunderbird, and left a month's worth of e-mail behind. I've cleaned out all but one of the folders and there are some e-mails in there that I definitely need to save.

Now my Thunderbird won't open up some of the many folders I've made because there are more than 300 e-mails in them. But I hate to delete any of the messages because I'd like to read them someday. Realistically, I'm NEVER going to be reading them if I haven't in the last year. Now is the time to get ruthless with my e-mail! I know that when this job is complete I will feel a sense of freedom and lightness. Everytime I look at my e-mail I get overwhelmed with the quantity. It is sucking the energy out of me.

So where do you have clutter in your life? Is your room messy? How about your e-mail? Are there relationships that you hold onto even though they aren't good for you? This is clutter too. When we get rid of the clutter, we leave room for more to come into our lives that we do want. So I say, banish that clutter! Make room for more. More freedom, lightness, and joy! Happy decluttering.

Hugs,

Martyn

Changes

2007-01-07T22:40:00.000-05:00

Hello beautiful ones!

Oprah Winfrey has been known to say "We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are." This is very profound and oh so true. Change is inevitable. The only certainty we have in life is that it is always changing.

Sometimes the change is imperceptible and we don't even notice it. But rest assured, it's happening whether we can see it or not. Not all changes occur in big ways. For example, your bodies have been changing as you grow up and that didn't happen overnight (although sometimes it seems like it did.)

What makes change easier to handle is to accept that it is happening and go with the flow. That's easier said than done. We usually resist change because of fear. Remember when I said that an acronym for fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. But also remember, we're at the point that we're at right now because we've overcome the fear - we've changed.

I'm in the process of changing right now. I've mentioned this several times over the past few weeks. Sure it is scary and confusing and exhilarating but I also know that I've successfully changed before and I will do so again. I look on change as the opportunity to stretch and grow. I'm becoming the woman that I was meant to be. It's an ongoing process and one that I'm enjoying, even through the fear. Sometimes all we have to say to ourselves is "Just do it!" Embrace the change, revel in it, accept it!

Happy changes, gorgeous ones!

Hugs,

Martyn

Moments

2007-01-06T21:56:00.000-05:00

Hello gorgeous!

I ran across this quote from ... guess where? That's right! Chicken Soup for the Entrepreneur's Soul and it makes my whole childhood make sense. The quote is "We do not remember days ... We remember moments." Cesare Pavese said that. Now I don't know who he is or was but I'd like to give him a big hug.

I always thought there was something seriously wrong with myself because I couldn't remember huge chunks of my childhood or teenage years. I thought I wasn't normal. Everybody remembers their lives, don't they?

I told you before that I had a year of therapy when I was in my early 20s. After my therapist left (he was a student therapist and was returning to school to finish his doctorate) I was supposed to continue on with his supervisor but we didn't click. She told me that I was probably sexually abused before the age of 3. I was horrified by this prospect since it is entirely possible that it could have happened with one of my half brothers as they were 20 years older than me and living with us during that timeframe.

This piece of conjecture had haunted me for 16 years until my very wise coach asked me what I felt intuitively. My gut instinct tells me it never happened. I've never had flashbacks and although it is possible I've never had any of the signs of sexual abuse. That therapist was off her rocker!

Before my coach helped me reframe this experience, I was worried that because I couldn't remember a lot of my childhood that something bad did happen to me that I wasn't aware of (the stuff I was aware of was bad enough!) So to find out that I'm not the only one who cannot remember chunks of time is very liberating. Yippee! I'm normal!!

I do have some good "moments" from my childhood that I can cling onto. It wasn't all bad. I remember loving times with my father who adored me, I remember friends that I had, and I remember things that I liked to do like read and sew. These happy memories pulled me through the dark days of my adolescence.

So, as you go through your lives, you may not remember all the mundane day-to-day events but you are going to remember the moments. I hope they are very happy memories that you can cling to during the dark days.

Wishing you a world filled with wonderful, beautiful, thrilling moments!

Hugs,

Martyn

Be a good girl ... NOT!

2007-01-05T23:08:00.000-05:00

Hello awesome ones!

I was listening to a CD this afternoon on my way to the library and it was from the Home Study Kit that I got when I signed up for my coach training with the Coaching Institute in November 2005. The founder of the school, Terri Levine, did a recording for a class called Coaching for Fun and Profit: Becoming a Life Coach with Terri Levine. I was struck by something that she said on the recording that resonated with me now as I seek to become more authentic.

Terri said that we are trained from the time that we are babies to be good girls and good boys. She says that she trains her clients to make a sign that says "good girl" and to cross it out (just like on a NO SMOKING sign). Stop being so manageable and easy to control. Don't let anyone tell you how you should be. This shouldn't be at the expense of your authenticity. When we bury our authenticity we don't have passion for our lives.

What Terri said really resonated with me because that is how I was my whole life. I was always trying to be the good girl, the good daughter, the good student, the good friend, the good employee. I was never being just the real me. Just Martyn

Now I have this wonderful opportunity that came to me in the form of a personal crisis. It really was a blessing. This is the perfect time for me to examine my life, reconnect with my passions, find new passions, and design my life on my own terms. I suppose you could say it is a bit of a midlife crisis (although I hope I'm not at my midlife yet. I'm much too young for that LOL)

I've told you before that I've been on a self acceptance journey for about 20 years now. The work I've done before has led me to the point I'm at now but I really think it is just the tip of the iceberg. There is still so much of me that needs discovering. I'm loving this journey that I'm on. I'm feeling happier, freer, and lighter as I learn more about myself. I can feel myself growing every day. It's an amazing feeling!

I know you're a good girl and you know you're a good girl but are you being authentic too? It's really important to live your truth every day. When you are being authentic you are honouring yourself and all of the special qualities that you have. You get to share those qualities with the world. That makes the world so much better because your bright light shines through it. So shine on, beautiful one. The world is waiting for you. We are blessed to have you here!

Hugs,

Martyn

I'm so excited ... and I just can't hide it!

2007-01-04T23:05:00.000-05:00

Hello beautiful ones!

Today I'm feeling an incredible sense of joy. I did something that I was scared of doing and it turned out better than I expected. Sometimes when we fear something we blow it all out of proportion. It becomes a big mountain to scale over when it was actually just a little pile of dirt we could jump over.

There is a pretty common acronym in the business world for fear. It means False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear is just our anticipation of the outcome. It coaching we learn to detach from the outcome. What that means is that we are prepared for whatever reaction we get from our clients whether it be anger, sadness, defensiveness, grief, happiness, joy or any other emotion. We are not attached to the reaction/outcome so that makes us coaches able to help our clients examine their feelings and beliefs.

So I took this action today that I had been fearing and it was easy, effortless, and felt natural to me. Now I have the thrill of facing my fears, taking action, and knowing that I'm growing stronger and more authentic. I'm starting to live my truth now.

I feel so blessed to have the strength, courage, determination, and honesty to examine my truth about myself and how I fit into the world. I've said it before - self knowledge is power. Today I feel POWERFUL!

It is an honour to be sharing my thoughts about my journey with you. I hope you're enjoying my posts as much as I enjoy writing them for you!

Wishing you an abundance of joy, ALWAYS!

Hugs,

Martyn

The truth revisited

2007-01-03T23:22:00.000-05:00

Hello gorgeous!

Today I'd like to revisit our old friend the truth. I've mentioned the truth before. This is what we believe to be true based on our filters of beliefs, habits, patterns, behaviours, and backgrounds. Remember that I said that coaching is concerned with three truths (your truth, my truth, and the actual factual truth). A good coach will respect and honour her client's truth, share her own truth in the form of powerful observations, and help the client examine the actual truth.

So I've got truth on the brain again (I'm seeing a pattern here!) My wonderful coach made a powerful request of me to help me move forward in my quest for my truth (this is what good coaches do - they make requests of you to stretch you and help you grow towards your goals) She said that she would like me to make a list of my truths and inspirations right now and add to the list every day. I love when she gives me writing assignments to do!

I started my list today and I can already see how powerful it is going to be. With this list that I'm making I will be able to see where I've grown and where I'm stuck in my beliefs, habits, and patterns. What this does ultimately is help me find out what is holding me back so I can examine that belief, habit, or pattern and get rid of it if it isn't helping me anymore. This will allow me to grow and acquire new habits, patterns, or beliefs that will move me forward toward my goal of self knowledge.

So I would like to make a powerful request of you, dear one. Make a list of things that you believe about yourself right now. Describe what you feel, see, and think about yourself. Add to the list what you know about yourself. You could also add what you love, hate, respect, and acknowledge about yourself. You don't have to show this list to anyone if you don't want to. Add to your list every day as you discover new things about yourself.

Look over your list occasionally and ask yourself "Is this really true about me? Is this an actual fact or is it just a belief?" This can help you begin to determine habits, patterns, and beliefs that you want to get rid of. The more you know yourself, the more power you have. Be knowledgeable! Be powerful!

Happy truth-seeking!

Hugs,

Martyn

What is your purpose in life?

2007-01-02T23:03:00.000-05:00

Hello lovely ones!

Here is another quote from Chicken Soup for the Entrepreneur's Soul. The quote is from Ray Charles and he states "There are many spokes on the wheel of life. We're here to explore new possibilities." This quote is very meaningful to me as I am examining certain spokes of my life right now.

What is great about every person is that we are all totally unique. There is no one else on earth like me just as there is no one else on earth like the wonderful, beautiful you. We all have different dreams, hopes, beliefs, attitudes, habits, patterns, backgrounds, education, and experiences. This makes us wonderfully diverse.

I strongly believe that we are placed on this earth to discover our life's purpose and fulfill it. Some people are very lucky and learn their purpose very early in life. Others find their purpose at a later age. Still others never find their life's purpose. I've known for at least 10 years now that my life's purpose is to serve people. I'm one of the lucky ones that knew at a fairly young age what my purpose is. All my jobs and education have been people-oriented and in the helping professions. I love helping people!

I was drawn to coaching because it will allow me to serve my clients and help them achieve their goals and dreams. This, in turn, will allow me to achieve my dreams. Coaching is my calling. This is what I have been searching for my whole life. I can think of no better way to contribute to the world than by helping my teen clients reveal the strength, beauty, and confidence that they already have and showing it off to the world.

So what are the spokes on your wheel of life? What are you interested in? What are your special talents? What are you particularly good at doing? How do you want to contribute to the world? What dreams do you have for the future? Where do you see yourself in 20 years? 10 years? 5 years? 1 year? What do you want to be remembered for at the end of your life. Answers to these kinds of questions may give you a hint as to your purpose in life. We all have one. Discover it, nurture it, grow it, celebrate it!

I appreciate you so much!

Hugs,

Martyn

Living well is the best revenge!

2007-01-01T21:12:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year, lovely ones!

The topic of the day is revenge. No, I'm not ticked off at anybody. Quite the opposite in fact. I was watching Dr. Phil this afternoon and he had on a woman that owns a website where women can post about their rotten ex-boyfriends. The other guest was one of the men who had some things posted about him. He claimed that these postings are lies and he is suing the owner of the site. A very nasty legal battle is ensuing.

Now I can understand the motive behind wanting to get back at an ex that hurt you. I was devastated when I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me and had lied to me right from the beginning. I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I met him on an online dating site where we corresponded for 3 months before we met face to face. I briefly considered reporting him to the administrators of the site but thought against it. All that would do is bring me down to his level. I would be holding onto the energy of the anger and that would keep me tied to him. Instead I threw myself into building my coaching practice and that provided a wonderful distraction. The anger dissipated so that when I ran into him last month there was only indifference left. Contrary to popular belief, the opposite to love is not hate; it is indifference. Love and hate both carry energy, whereas indifference has none.

I prefer to think that living well is the best revenge. That way I take back my own power and not waste it on anyone or anything that isn't worth it. Besides, the Universe looks after her own and what goes around comes around. People who wrong others get theirs in the end. It's all karma.

I also prefer to look on the bright side of things. This relationship allowed me to strengthen my boundaries, learn more about myself, and define what I wanted in a romantic partner. It was an awesome learning experience.

So when someone has wronged you and you're thinking of revenge, think about what you want the outcome to be. Will it make you feel better to hurt the other person? Or will it make you feel worse? Do you want to be tied to this person because of the energy you are expending in hating him or her?

If you do decide that you want revenge, are you thinking of anything illegal? DON'T! It's not worth it. You have your whole life ahead of you and life really is very short. Don't do anything that you'll regret in the morning after the glow of satisfaction has worn off. You'll likely hurt yourself far worse than you would your intended victim. Remember, living well is the best revenge. That person will regret what he/she lost and that is the wonderful, marvelous, beautiful YOU!

Live well, love well, learn well!

Hugs,

Martyn