Teenagers Are Ridiculous

Hello and Goodbye

2016-11-11T17:13:00.001-07:00

My sister and I have a running joke that she is up to date with current technologies because she has a Twitter. Any time she tries to say something about technology and is wrong, her response to me is always, "I HAVE A TWITTER!". It never fails to make me laugh.

The other day we had this text exchange:

I don't want to call it quitting, although that's technically what it is. I'm bad at quitting things. I never want to give up, but I think I'm at the point where I'm ready to give up here. I have too much happening in my life right now to sit down and write. I'm getting 170 essays on Tuesday (not to mention the hundreds of essays I've already graded this year), it's weekend after weekend of extracurricular tournaments, and I'm traveling a lot to see family.

If you're someone I've communicated with on a regular basis, and you want to stay in touch, I'd love that. I've met so many fantastic people through this blog, and I want to continue to know you. You can email me (teenagersareridiculous@gmail.com) for my social media (Facebook/Twitter) information, as I post teaching commentary on there.

I love to write and I love to amuse and I love my kids, so while I'm not making any promises to come back in the future, I'm not ruling anything out. There are a million things I want to say in this post, but it keep my from blubbering and getting emotional, let's leave it at this:

And we're done talking now.

2016-10-21T06:27:00.000-07:00

A kid was sitting by my desk and I wanted to eat a candy bar with peanuts in it. I always double check with my classes before I eat anything in class because I don't want to be the teacher who kills a kid because I needed to eat a granola bar.

Me: Kid, you're allergic to peanuts, right?

Kid: Yes, but you can eat that. I won't die.

Me: Cool.

Kid: I mean, I've kissed someone after she ate peanuts and I didn't die.

Me: Well that's good to know.

Kid: I'm not saying we should kiss or anything, but it would be --

Me: NOPE, STOP THAT THOUGHT RIGHT THERE. LINE DRAWN.

Being in my class is like being high on life?

2016-10-19T06:25:00.000-07:00

Kid, looking at his water bottle: When you think about it, water is so refreshing, but, like, it doesn't have a taste. It's, like nothing.

Me: Dude, are you high? I have to ask, just to cover all my bases.

Kid: Yeah I'm high. High on working on my group project.

Me: You know I'm going to tweet this, right?

(I didn't tweet it, I posted it here instead. You're welcome.)

Also, it's called an ampersand...

2016-10-17T06:20:00.000-07:00

Kid: In writing, when should you use the "and" symbol?

Me: When you're texting or trying to save characters on Twitter. That's it.

Kid: Yeah, but when in THIS CLASS?

Me: NEVER.

DUNZO

2016-10-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

Here's a conversation I just had during passing period the second week of school. A kid leftover from the previous was furiously copying an assignment from his phone so he could turn them in. I let him go for like three minutes into passing period and then I said something.

Me: Dude, you know I can see you copying, right?

Kid: Oh, um, yeah, sorry.

Me: Cool, finish up and put it in the trash can.

Kid: Wait, you won't take it?

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS? I'm watching you copy. Cheat. Plagiarize. What was unclear about our discussion of cheating?

Kid: Oh...

I walked away as he tried to protest.

So clearly sending out assignments is already happening and that puts an end to collecting small assignments like that to help their grade. DUNZO.

It's hard to be on the struggle bus!

2016-10-12T06:19:00.000-07:00

An email from one of coworkers:

Four Senior English boys are sitting beside each other working on computers in the back of my room. One called me over, "Mr. -----, can you just pretend you are in the driver's seat of the bus and keep us company because we are struggling with this new MLA format!"

Just checking...

2016-10-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

Kid: Can I use your scissors?
Me: Are you going to stab someone with them?
Kid, affronted: WHAT?! NO! I'm going to cut some paper.
Me: Just checking.

(I always ask kids this when they borrow scissors. I have to cover all my bases you know.)

Explaining that is not my job...

2016-10-07T06:10:00.000-07:00

Kid: So, uh, how did Zeus make people?

Me, pausing: What do you mean?

Kid: Like, Zeus had a bunch of kids. How did he make them?

Me: Have you taken health class?

Kid: I mean, yeah, but...

Me: Then maybe you need to check out a book from the library because I don't feel like I should have to explain this to you.

Critical Thinking is Hard

2016-10-05T06:07:00.000-07:00

An email from coworker S:

Students are doing an assignment where they have to come up with an element of dystopian literature Orwell uses. Kid has his phone out, so I ask him to give me his phone.

Kid: But I'm using it to complete this?

S: What do you mean?

Kid: I'm looking up conformity in 1984.

S: No. You're supposed to use your brain to figure it out. I don't want the Internet's response to this.

Progress, or something.

2016-09-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

The other day a girl declared homecoming court to be super heteronormative, which lead to a fantastic discussion about why that is and why it likely will not change at our school in the near future, despite the fact it should.

This is why I love my kids so much this year.

Just stop it, please.

2016-09-28T06:25:00.000-07:00

When in teacher college, professors never tell you how many times you'll have to say to senior boys: "Please stop touching each other. If you want to touch each other outside class and away from me, cool, I support that, but in class keep your hands to yourselves."

They're all basically 5 years old.

We have very different problems, you and I.

2016-09-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

Overheard from some girls talking in class, "Like, I wanted to follow her but the my following to follow ratio would be off and who need that?"

Later these girls found out I have a Twitter (it's on private and they're not allowed to follow me until they graduate) and one was pissed I had more followers than her. Uh, OK?

I'm Still Here

2016-09-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

Hi y'all! I exist! For the last several weeks I've been meaning to sit down and write some posts, but life keeps getting in the way.

I'm currently sitting in a Panera trying to grade, but their painfully slow wifi is making turnitin.com slow and glitchy. Tomorrow starts the last week of the first quarter of the 2016-2017 school year (I KNOW, RIGHT?!) and I have so many essays to grade by the time grades are due on Friday.

I went into this school year with an open mind and a good attitude. 2016 was a shitshow of a year, not really for me personally, but the class in general. They were definitely an interesting group of kids, and not in a good way. I kept my expectations for 2017 low and just hoped no one would try to burn my classroom down.

Here's the thing, guys, this year has been good. SO GOOD. I've been loath to say that out loud, lest it jinxes me for the rest of the year. I adore my students. Maybe not all of them, but most of them. They're kind and introspective. Some of them are piles of weird and sass, but in a way that makes me want to hug, not punch, them. I'm happier in my classroom than I've been in years, which is a weird, yet delightful feeling. It's a feeling I'm not taking for granted and I'm enjoying every minute of it.

All that being said, this year, for the first time in my adult life, I've considered being something other than a teacher. It won't involve me leaving my school and it would still be a school-related job, just not in the classroom. It's nothing that's happening now, or even five years from now. But I'm keeping my options open and hoping something the thing I want is going to happen and it will land me in a job I'd really love to do. Like Aaron Burr says, I'm willing to wait for it.

So that's what's been happening with me. I'm hoping that by the time I've finished writing this the internet will be a bit faster and turnitin.com will cooperate with me. I think I'm ready to start posting again, so keep an eye on whatever you use to read me. I'm probably not going to post every day, like I have for the past few years, but maybe a few days a week for right now.

It's going to be a good year.

The best laid plans...

2016-07-11T21:25:00.002-07:00

I really did intend to post more this summer, but that clearly hasn't happened. I'm not going to post any more for the rest of the summer either. Honestly, I've been debating whether or not I want to keep this blog up. I'm feeling really uninspired lately and maybe it's time to give it up. I'll let y'all know what I decide to do about that.

Until then, I'm going to enjoy my last few weeks of summer. I'm on vacation at my sister's house for a couple of weeks. Currently it's 66 degrees, all the windows are open, the kids are in bed, there's wine and beer aplenty, and the adults are watching Zootopia (which I've already seen, but my sister and her husband have not). It's a good night.

Enjoy your July and we'll reconvene here soon.

So much irony.

2016-06-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

Email from a fellow teacher of seniors during the week of finals:

Subject: Irony

One of my 3rd hour students just asked me what "apathy" means.

Co-workers are ridiculous...

2016-06-16T07:47:00.000-07:00

An email from one of my co-workers during final exams:

"I heard crazy-loud singing in the quiet hallway. I rolled my eyes and got up to see what kid was being disruptive.

Just take a guess who it might have been.

Here's a hint: it's not a kid."

Who was it? This guy right here. Also the same guy who sent a group text like two weeks ago to some of my workers saying "Uh, I kind of miss you all? Can we get drinks?" And we did.

All ridiculousness aside, we really do love each other.

I did good this year...

2016-06-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

I keep sitting down to write posts and then failing because I start thinking about how fucked this world is and how I'm sending my seniors over into a world where shitty things happen. The Orlando shooting was a travesty and I've been fuming about the Stanford rapist and I can't let it go.

But then I remember this moment, a culmination of dozens of comments and side lessons I tried to teach this year...

My students were at a seminar admin organized for them and one of the speakers told them to spread love by hugging each other all time. Even if someone doesn't want to hug you, you should do it anyway.

A kid whipped around to find me:

Kid: NO! That's not right! Consent! You told us you should never touch someone without their consent!
Me: Correct. Only hug or otherwise touch people with their consent.

If nothing else, I have 170ish kids (assuming everyone listened to me) who are well-versed on the concept of consent and what that means in regards to body autonomy.

Summer time!

2016-06-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

So, school is done for the year.

Yet I'm definitely not done for the year. As I have for the last few summers, I'm running a summer program for middle schoolers, which is equal parts interesting and awful. Going from teaching high school seniors to talking to incoming 6th graders is a challenging change. It's only until the end of this month, then I get all of July off (PRAISE BE!).

This school year was...interesting. If this wasn't an anonymous blog I could talk to you about specific stuff, but damn me and my need for privacy. I'll just leave it at that...interesting. We all made it through. For the first time in YEARS, I had a student who failed my class and couldn't graduate. I don't feel bad about that at all. I'm not saying my class is a breeze, but you have to actively try to fail.

I have a bunch of stuff still to post from this school year, so I'll be posting over the next month or so, and then I'll probably take July off. I hope everyone's end of the year has been quiet and not full of students begging for last minute extra credit.

Heads up, I'm no one's mom.

2016-05-23T06:23:00.000-07:00

Seniors finished up last week and on the last day, five minutes before the bell rings, this happened:

Kid: M, you're not my mom anymore!

Me: Uh, I've NEVER been your mom...

Kid: But we've been together all year, it's sort of like you're my mom.

Me: No, it's not even a little bit like that.

Damn, I'm young!

2016-05-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

"You are NOT 34 years old!" is an thing that was just yelled at me in class today. Somehow my one of my classes was under the impression that after 9 months together a) I've only been teaching a few years, and b) I'm 26.

Thanks, I think?

Cry me a river...

2016-05-18T06:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday one of my students, who was born in 1998, told me his mom named him Justin after Justin Timberlake. So basically I have to quit.

Potty Humor

2016-05-17T06:51:00.000-07:00

An email from reader S:

* * * * *

We are currently on a "hall freeze" (no students out of class except for extreme emergencies), today is the last day for seniors. So far in just ONE class I have had:

1. A student change his shirt, completely taking one off and changing into another.

2. Same student complaining because he need to go to the bathroom, but refusing to work.

3. A student ask to go to the bathroom, when I said there were no passes out, he asked "Can I pee in that jar?"

4. A student ask I would write an office referral if he just walked out of class to go to the bathroom.

5. A student threaten to call their mom so she can tell me to let her daughter go to the bathroom.

6. A student threaten to open my exterior door and pee outside.

7. Girl student: "I have to pee, but I'm a man, so I can hold mine in until the bell rings."

What is it about being "locked down" that makes these kids go crazy and all of a sudden all of them have to go to the bathroom?!?!?

Some Reasons to Stay...

2016-05-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

Maybe you saw this HuffPo article last week, "7 Reasons You Might Not Want to Teach Anymore". I agree with a lot of what she says and there are so many reasons to get out of the classroom, way more than the seven she lists. But I'm not ready to go yet. I'm here for the long haul. So here are some reasons to stay...

1. It's not going to get better unless we make it better. We need to keep voting to right people into office, taking a stand on propositions that affect our jobs, and talking about issues that affect our classrooms. We need to not give up.

2. Technology is making me crazy, but also crazy happy. I hate the obsession with cell phones. But, on the other hand, I love technology in my classroom. I like the infinite resources the internet provides me. I like how I gave give a poll in class via phones. I like that I can text kids reminders at night and they don't have my cell number. I fucking love turnitin.com and how it helps me find cheaters. I found a box of overhead projector sheets the other day and laughed, because I haven't touched that relic in years. I love my Proxima. Yes, sometimes technology makes our jobs harder, but it also makes life easier, and if that means accepting our eventual robot overlords, then so be it.

3. There is a way to assess if you're good at this job. Are you doing your best? Are you never giving up? Are you helping the kids who need it to the best of your ability? Then you're good at this job. That continual struggle is what makes continual professional growth so important. No matter what my yearly evaluation says (OK, so they're always really good), I know I'm good at my job because I love it and I feel effective. Kids learn in my classroom. Kids grow in my classroom. A decade later kids come back to me with grammar jokes on Facebook, or a reflection on a book we read, or a something they saw in the world that reminds them of me and my class. I know I'm good at my job because I've turned thousands of kids out into the world, and though they may falter and have missteps, they've learned from me and are becoming better people in the world for it.

4. We're making the next generation smarter and not just in the 2+2=4 way. We're introducing them to literature, history, scientific theories, etc. that will have a lasting influence on their lives. People often say what you learn in high school doesn't matter in the real world, and I don't think that's true at all. If I can get one kids to fall in love with a book, thus fostering their love of reading, I consider it a win. If a business teacher teaches someone to do their taxes, if a science teacher introduces someone to animal biology, if a Spanish teacher creates of love of languages, we've all done something to have a lasting impact. I hate inspirational teacher shit, but there are moments where we change lives.

5. We're making the next generation better people. Someone needs to talk to these kids about the world, because sometimes they're not getting that at home. They need to understand the world and personal responsibility, and sometimes it's our job to teach that. Tolerance, patience, real world behavior, these are a big part of being an adult and a decent human being. We're not just making kids smarter, but we're making them better human beings.

6. We're in the trenches together. I say it all the time, but the best thing about my job is the group of people I work with. I would walk through fire and find a hill to die on for them, and I know they would for me as well. We support and want the best for one another. We make each others' days better when bad stuff happens.

7. Teenagers are ridiculous. They are. We know it. But that's why we love them. They say stupid shit that's enlightening and hilarious and for that we come back every day.

Wait your turn, please.

2016-05-13T06:44:00.000-07:00

An email from my coworker S:

* * * * *

Subject: I ran an experiment

So I was tired of students in my third hour interrupting and speaking over me, so I decided to do the same to them. All it took was one student and two minutes of me interrupting before he was like: "Okay I get how this is annoying".

[From M: teaching them lessons like this is my favorite!]

Yeah, I sign yearbooks.

2016-05-12T06:22:00.000-07:00

The other day a girl came up to me and asked all timidly, "Do you sign yearbooks?" Like I'm famous, or just a bitch who refuses to sign yearbooks. I told her of course I did and was happy to sign hers.

Is that a thing, teachers refusing to sign yearbooks?