TELEVISUAL UTTERANCES

The Thrill of The Chase

2013-11-15T18:25:00.000+00:00

Well if there's one thing that I can take out of being in third year at University thus far, it is that you watch a lot of game shows. Well at least I do, I watch a lot of game shows. Generally I find myself at about half four in the afternoon pondering what I've done this morning and wondering what I'll be doing tonight, both generally lead to me realising I've actually done fuck all but flick the kettle on more times than the president of the Women's Institute would if it turned out they all actually liked to smoke a bit of weed and had some serious cotton mouth.

Probably my favourite of the tea-time game shows is Pointless. Come quarter past five on a weekday, I find myself reclining into my god knows how old sofa, cup of char in hand and as I let the soothing sounds of the Pointless intro theme run through me, as if it was a warm knife and I a cold slab of butter, I can relax in the knowledge that I've got a good three-quarters of an hour of quality quizzing to bask in.

Besides the well oiled banter that Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman bounce off each other as if they were a pair of quibbling minors, it can be easy to forget that these two co-hosts are as well-educated as I am shortsighted, and it's unfortunate for me to say that I'm pretty fucking myopic. For those who are new to Pointless, of which I am severely empathetic towards, the show aims to pluck the relevant obscure knowledge that floats about in the mass of your brain in the name of fun. The idea is to score as few points as possible to progress to the next round. With pointless answers getting you the desirable 0 points, an incorrect answer would score you the maximum 100 points; which more often than not ensures not just your imminent elimination but also your grubby hands will never grace the quiz-show holy grail that is the Pointless trophy.

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Now most people would think that as I am a somewhat avid Pointless fan, I would not have the time of day to watch ITV's alternative; The Chase. But my dear friends you would be wrong. Evening scheduling dictates that I should choose between the two shows as they overlap in the constant battle for ratings. However, with the advent of an ITV1 timeshift channel, unsurprisingly titled ITV1+1, I am able to enjoy the best of both worlds and if I'm lucky, another beautiful cup of tea.

Although the two shows have completely different styles, with The Chase focusing on general knowledge and trivia in which an incorrect answer only serves to leave you stranded on the over-sized Kindle that is the score board. The real difference is the disparity between the presenters. With Xander and Osman you feel as if you're being wrapped up in a patch work blanket sewn together with knowledge and quick-wit, whereas Bradley Walsh's repartee is more like that of the coked up old fella down the local pub who's a bit too over-interested and a bit too friendly seeing as you've never met the bastard before. That and the fact it seems he knows no alternative to the word 'mate'. If I were to take a guess, I'd say that Bradley calls the contestants 'mate' for a good 25-30% of the show.

With all that said though, The Chase is definitely the second best gameshow on the TV at the moment* and you will find me tuning in at 6pm to put my general knowledge to the test, but as it stands Bradley and his team of mates are merely the David to the quiz-show Goliath that is Pointless. Although, if Bradley takes out his slingshot, we could have a different story.

Chmelt something funny Brad? (source)

*although not right this moment, as Paul O'Grady has reclaimed his 5pm slot somehow, apparently people are still interested in mid-range, D to G list celebrities.

Baby Love?

2012-12-14T00:29:00.001+00:00

Today was an insightful day. I was invited in to the world of the 'adult baby' courtesy of Channel 4's The 15 Stone Babies. Now this type of thing is not something i tend to come across in day-to-day life, so it was no surprise that when C4's casual advertising campaign for the show caught my eyes a few days previous, I knew I was going to make sure I allocated some time to tune in. It took me all of about ten minutes to realize that the world of the 'adult baby' is a rather uniquely strange and puzzling thing. Albeit slightly perverse.

As much as I was fascinated at what I was seeing, I couldn't shift that niggling feeling in the back of my brain that was giving it, "let's be serious for a minute, this isn't really on, this is a bit fucking weird", and the show did little to help it's cause. One middle aged chap, sporting one of those 'i'm a serial killer in not so covert disguise' bushy beards that you see Frankie Boyle rocking every now and then, actively encouraging his twenty seven year old girlfriend, who happens to enjoy behaving as a six year old girl, to act "a bit younger". In my opinion, that's probably too young as it is mate, should probably let that one go, move on, have a shave or something, I'll lend you my razor if you want, it's a branded one too; King of Shaves.

Ultimately I didn't feel like i gained anything from the show, perhaps apart from the new found knowledge of a topic that I'd have quite frankly rather not known about in the first place. Anyway, cheers for that insider. Who knows, maybe one day it'll be my 'thing'. But then again, I do highly, highly doubt that.

(p.s. if it is your 'thing', i mean no offence...probably)

2012-09-28T03:58:00.002+01:00

Well, late night boredom it seems, has got me back in to the idea of blogging. You can thank the long, non-drug/drink filled dreary nights at university for that one. I'm probably still going to write about TV, but I might throw in some other shit for good measure, depending on how I feel.

Also, I don't think spending the past three hours reading 'A Big Night Out...' articles on Vice helped much either.

'Killing' Some Time

2012-05-21T19:59:00.001+01:00

Now we might not be aware, or we might be, i don't know, that Jordan's favourite television show at the moment is The Killing US. After watching the first series with awe last year, I could not wait for the second series to begin airing again and luckily for me, it did just that on Channel 4 a couple of weeks ago.

To those who have no idea what the show is about, it's the American adaptation of the Danish series 'Forbrydelsen' which is shown in the UK on BBC2 I believe and it pretty much follows the same guidelines, just with a few name changes to suit the general Western public and I think it's fucking fantastic.

In a nutshell, a young girl named Rosie Larsen get's murdered and is found gagged and bound in the trunk of a car thus leading on to the police investigation which the show is based on, throw in a few red herrings, some dodgy cops, political mind games, some Native Americans (obviously) and a first season cliffhanger that had me on the edge of my seat and boom, there you have it.

The Killing US is broadcast in America on the AMC channel and those of you who like your American drama's will know that this is the same channel which airs Mad Men, The Walking Dead and Breaking Bad so you can see why it might be rather good. It's better than The Walking Dead, probably better than Breaking Bad and definitely on a par, if not just below, Mad Men. But come on, Mad Men is fucking brilliant TV.

Now as much as I like watching it on Channel 4, I just could not help myself and found myself sitting in bed one day, streaming the shit out of the second series so I am now up to date with the antics as if i was living in America, and apparently we find out the 'killer' this series so you know, it's not all bad.

Unwatchables?

2012-05-21T19:44:00.001+01:00

Now I am a big fan of documentaries and in particular Channel 4 documentaries, so when I saw Channel 4's new foray in to the documentary market, 'The Undateables' I thought to myself, yeah alright i'll give that a go. Low and behold, I'm sat here on a Tuesday evening, watching several human beings of which Channel 4 deem 'undateable' presumably because of the disabilities they each possess.

Now i'm not one to mock the inflicted, or laugh at people with disabilities, but whilst watching this show, you can't help but have a little chuckle to yourself. With them, not at them, I'd like to add. Although to be fair, the guy with Aspergers is fucking hilarious and the lad with Tourettes is a fucking stand up comedian so you know.

I've noticed recently that the TV is throwing a lot more disabled people at me as i sit down with my bag of crisps and indulge in my one of my small list of things i love to do. The others being drugs and bitches. A har har.

The diversity currently being explored by television channels comes at a time when equality on TV has somewhat reached it's peak with disabled TV presenters, like that woman from CBBC who's got half an arm and quite frankly I'm all for it, I think it's good that children can grow up seeing people with disabilities on TV to try and put a halt to them pointing in the street, as much as I don't think that'll stop, children are rather quite inquisitive, but I for one am all for it.

Over and out.

Eggs Benedict

2012-03-20T00:16:00.000+00:00

I've been pleasantly surprised recently by the calibre of movies that have presented themselves to me on free-to-view television. Last night I watched the utterly brilliant A Clockwork Orange courtesy of ITV4 and like most Kubrick films I sat in awe at the pure genius of his creation. Tonight, the glorious Starter for 10 is on BBC2 and low and behold the wonderful Benedict Cumberbatch pops up brilliantly portraying the films comedic antagonist, Patrick Watts.

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Now I've not been a fan of the rather odd looking, yet strikingly handsome, Mr Cumberbatch for long, but ever since I sat down on New Years Eve to watch Sherlock, I cannot get enough. Seeing as Sherlock is created by Steven Moffat, the guy behind Doctor Who, and occasional Doc Who collaborator Mark Gattiss (who plays University Challenge's original host, Bamber Gascoigne, in Starter for 10 actually) I thought, "It can't be that fucking bad can it?" and it wasn't, thank God.

As you'd expect from a good British film, you see many faces you've most probably seen before, Benedict Cumberbatch being one. As well as him, there's Steve from Shameless, Smithy from Gavin & Stacey and the un-funny, Catherine Tate.

I've run out of things to say, probably something to do with me being rather quite lean, so I'm gunna leave it there.

(source)

Yeah, and what if I'm proper craving watching Sherlock? Suck ya mum.

The Power Of Advertising

2012-03-16T08:34:00.004+00:00

Well I was sat watching the television the other day, as you'd expect from me I'm sure, and I noticed a couple of things. Not only do some adverts fuck me off to a point of pressing a revolver against the side of my head and slowly pulling the trigger back to sufficiently cover my bedroom wall with a mixture of blood, brain and particles of hair. But, they also show these audacious adverts quite a few times within the space of a few hours.

He's only a tenor.

Now I can see why advertisers would do this, I mean repetition is the key to getting people to remember things and surely that's what an advertiser would aim towards, but when you have someone as annoying as this cocky little cherub on your screen how can you not want to just pull those strands of hair he calls a moustache and wind it round his chubby little neck?

O2: Things are changing, apparently.

One other thing that annoys me about television adverts are adverts that don't really advertise what they're supposed to and pretend to be some sort of 'avant-garde' production that inspires or motivates the viewer. This is true of this lovely lady who sings about her 'little boxes' whilst flitting through a field like a butterfly on a summers day annoying the fuck out of the Smith family who are on their annual picnic and don't want to hear about her little fucking boxes. You can thank O2 for that lovely piece of cinematography.

But that's enough of that, I can't be bothered to write any more so you can all watch this brilliant collection of Tango adverts. You know when you've been...ah fuck it.

Thursday Nights, Channel Five

2012-03-08T21:12:00.000+00:00

I like football, and I like TV. So it stands to reason, that I should like football on TV, and I do like football on TV. I just don't like football on ITV.

Every time I settle down to watch football on ITV, I approach the situation with the same sort of apprehension one would approach, say, an oncologist. We all know what we're there for, but we don't particularly want to hear what they've got to say.

The root of the problem for ITV lies within the commentators they've hired to oversee such fixtures. Clive Tyldesley and Peter Drury more often than not chat a huge amount of shit, totally irrelevant to the match at hand. Without fail, referring to Manchester United, and more in particular they're failures in the Champions League, whether they're playing or not.

Now, when Manchester United were knocked out of this season Champions League campaign to the hands of the mightily impressive FC Basel and to an extent SL Benfica, I for one was heartbroken, for the first time in 5 years, my beloved United would not be involved in the Champions League past the group stages. But after the initial shock settled, I realised we should relish this opportunity and prove that we could still be the best in Europe, albeit through winning the lesser appreciated, Europa League.

'Thursday Nights, Channel 5' was a chant I used to use for the dirty scousers a few years back, but now having to eat my words, I've realised it's not all that bad.

I mean this way, I get to watch all of the Champions League football from a neutral perspective and appreciate said football as well as supporting my team from the comfort of my bed thanks to Channel 5's somewhat more bearable coverage and commentary.

So thank you Graham Taylor and Dave Woods. Although I don't really know who you are, I do know, you're better at commentating than those mugs over at ITV.

Skins or The Show That Should Have Ceased Production After Series 4

2012-03-02T20:49:00.002+00:00

I think it's safe to say that no teenage blog would be complete without at least one mention to televisions venereal disease that is, Skins. Sure, I was a fan at the start, Series 1 and 2 were actually quite good and if push came to shove, I'd probably admit to liking the 3rd and 4th series too. But now the time has come to cut the cord and E4 should put a gun to it's head and pull the trigger quicker than an American school kid.

Although I've not been watching the current series, of which I don't know much about granted, I do know that they have so royally run out of ideas that they've had to cast lookalikes of previous characters to remind us that we're still actually watching Skins and not some bullshit American show.

Jal from Series 1 + 2?

Liv from Series 5 + 6?

Excuse me for thinking this, but surely if you've seen Series 1 and 2, you'd at least have a sneaking suspicion that these two females look slightly familiar right? I mean is it just me or what?

Put it this way, I think it's a fucking sad state of affairs if we have to cast very, very similar looking girls to play very, very 'different' roles. What, have we run out of female actors in the UK or what the fucks going on?

Sort it out Bryan Elsley and Jamie Brittain, although I suppose the moneys good for you two so why would you. I'm just worried about the shit your pumping in to my fucking eyes.

N.B. it seems as if Channel 4 have read my blog
Skins axed by Channel 4 (@guardian)

Master-find

2012-03-02T20:33:00.003+00:00

As I sit here on this glorious Friday evening, I'm given the best selection of television that one could hope for. BBC1 offers me EastEnders, ITV1 offers me Coronation Street and the eternal Come Dine With Me presents itself on Channel 4. Despite this however, I've opted for the marvelous Mastermind courtesy of the Beebs slightly more sophisticated sister channel, BBC2.

Hosted by the enigmatic and ever long John Humphrys, I find my self enthralled by the topics of 'Porridge', 'Queen Victoria's family' and 'the Golfing Stories of PG Wodehouse' of which I know fuck all about, but I'm here for the general knowledge round, that's my time to shine. Albeit alone, on my own, in the solitude of my own room.

Being a rather large fan of the 'quiz show' I find Mastermind to be the Premier League of television quiz shows compared to say Weakest Link and Pointless which can only be described as Blue Square Premier at best. Arguably, the best thing about Mastermind is that with just a 30 minute slot, you don't have to sit around with your finger up your arse, waiting for some Anne Robinson wannabe to blab on about some bullshit you don't care about. It's just straight up question after question after motherfucking question. The way it should be.

Anyway, the next installment of one of my favourite quiz shows has now forced its way on to my tv so I'm gunna go watch that shit.

Oh, and who wouldn't want a great glass bowl as a prize. Classic Mastermind.

Late Night TV

2012-03-02T02:14:00.003+00:00

Being a chronic weed smoker, I find myself with a lot of time on my hands to sit aimlessly on my office chair and stare dishearteningly in to my television screen from all but a few inches away. This leaves me with the age old problem; what should I watch? And indeed, what should I watch?

At the moment I have the choice of the FIVB World Beach Volleyball Tour on 4Music, Weapons Races on Yesterday and the insightful Luton Airport on Pick TV. All riveting television shows I can assure you. Fortunately for me however, some wonderful television channels, for example E4, have adopted a 'timeshift service' which allows me to watch The Big Bang Theory a whole one hour after it's scheduled airtime, oh the joy.

But now, as I write this, the aforementioned Big Bang Theory has finished and I've decided to feast my eyes on some increasingly unbearable How I Met Your Mother of which I find myself chuckling at here and there, barely not even enough to audibly detect.

Don't get me wrong, I have an xbox, so in theory I should be fine playing Fifa 12, but after seven tireless season as PSG, it does start to drag and at the end of the day, I can't be fucked.

Time to roll up some more of that shit.