Other shows, like Deadwood, though I never watched regularly, had plenty of action (and plenty of cussing). But this one takes it to a new extreme. There’s very little language – a few words here and there, mostly used in regular conversation, so it’s not bad, but the real over-the-top part is in the sex. Not that I’m complaining. It’s just that it’s unusual for any television show.

 The first part is when one of the couples has sex. This in itself isn’t bad, it’s just not a typical show. You see her naked, which isn’t abnormal, and then you see him – including shots from just about every angle. Though you don’t see all of him, it gets pretty close.

Then you get some more female nudity and the piece de resistance, a hand job (while he watches TiVo, no less!). It’s actually rather graphic, and includes the orgasm – right there on-screen. Now it’s not possible, because of the low-light conditions, to tell if it’s real or not, but it certainly seems as if it could be real, and let’s be clear – does it really matter?

At the very end of the episode, the oldest couple gets into bed and it looks like we’re in for the viewing of some oral sex, but we don’t get more than a hint of that, but I have to say that I wouldn’t have been surprised to see it.

As to the show itself – it wandered quite a bit. While I’m sure it’s not bad, it really seemed like they were doing it more for the thrill of it all rather than a good quality show. Which is a shame. I’d rather see them work it into a good telling rather than just throw it on-screen. That’s nothing more than porn – and while porn has its place, I like to know when I’m getting it, rather than just getting it when I’m not expecting it.

That is exactly what Bret Michaels has decided to do. Back in the 80s, he brought the girls backstage. Now that reality shows are all the rage, he is putting them on cable television for all to see.

Yes, you read that right. A bunch of girls, on television. But as bad as it is, it is not quite as bad as it could be (though surely it will get there). Ostensibly, Bret is trying to find his true love. Of course he is doing it not only through a reality show, he is doing it by putting up a cast of what appears to be groupies, porn actresses and strippers, sticking them in a house and ripping through them one-by-one, like his own personal version of The Bachelor or something. To bad it isn’t pay-per-view or it would get really interesting.

Update: Since things didn’t work out on Rock of Love (and no one saw that coming), get ready for Rock of Love II.

Update: None other than Sharon Osbourne has decided that the problem is with the girls, not with Bret, so the next installment will be Rock of Love: Charm School, so that the girls can learn some manners and attract the appropriate kind of guy.

Update: You-know-who is still on the prowl, so he’s taking the show on the road. Look out for Rock of Love III: Rock of Love Bus.

Update: Apparently Bret has had his true love under his nose all along. She has had two kids with him, and been in an on-again, off-again relationship with him for more than a decade. You can see at least part of their relationship in yet another show, Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It. It will likely be followed closely by Rock of Love IV where he begins dating one – or more – of his daughter’s classmates.

If you are a fan of non-linear storytelling, then this might be the one for you. The tale starts in an elevator. A lobby, really, as the elevator opens. There, we are introduced to Ellen Parsons. To my knowledge, there is no relation to bandleader Alan Parsons. Ellen is covered in blood. This is the end of the season, to “now” as it were. Throughout the episode – and in fact throughout the season – flashes will take you back days and months, and from there it will take you forward again, to gradually piece together how Ellen ended up covered in blood in an elevator in the lobby. Ready?

Six months earlier, we find that Ellen has graduated law school. She turns down a generous offer from a Hollis Nye for a chance at an interview with high-powered lawyer Patty Hewes. The first part of the puzzle falls into place when she came out of the elevator. Ellen had a card in her pocket from Nye – so apparently she went back at some point. But for now (or then – time quickly loses its place in this story), Ellen finds out that her interview is on the same day as her sister’s wedding. So she is unable to make it after all.

Fortunately for Ellen, Patty is intrigued at someone who would turn her down, and shows up at the wedding, and hires her. It turns out that Patty is involved in a high-profile case – she accepts no other kind – involving Arthur Frobisher, who apparently made statements that had people gobbling up his stock while he himself was selling it, making him the worst kind of person imaginable. Patty wants to nail him, and get even richer in the process.

Meanwhile, Frobisher’s lawyer visits Ellen’s boyfriend’s sister and asks her to sign a confidentiality agreement. It seems she was in Florida at the same time as Frobisher, and she just might have seen something – and now we know why Patty may have been so interested in Ellen coming on board.

Back in the present, Ellen is taken up to her apartment, only to find that her boyfriend is dead, covered in blood. The plot thickens.

Update: While the plot seems like it might be interesting, there is just way too much back-and-forth for me. I don’t think I’ll be keeping up with this one regularly. I need a summary version. You’re on your own here.

Which should you choose? Should you choose either? It all depends on if you care about which one is more real.

Most of us are unlikely to actually be stranded in such a situation. But if you are, it quickly becomes apparent that Man vs. Wild is much more of a production – in scenes where he floats down a river, you can often spot a life vest  underneath the shirt. This is unlikely to provide much in the way of survival skills, but you can never really tell if something might help, right? You could also have a personal flotation device when you’re stranded, right?

Meanwhile, Survivorman appears to be more of an actual survivor. Not only is he dropped on his own, he makes the trek multiple times – once to set up the cameras, but then back again to get the gear and record himself making the trip. Sure, he has extra gear that you aren’t likely to have, and you do tend to learn something useful now and again.

It is true that neither of them will be the best resource if you are going to spend serious time trying to live off the land on your own, but in a pinch, you might actually be able to glean something that could be useful. And if I had to choose only one, I would probably choose Survivorman. Go Les!

Specifically, it seems that a more logical approach to the board would be to take it in a top-down fashion, starting with the fifth-grade questions and not the first-grade ones. After all, those questions are (generally) going to be harder. You would want to have your cheats available to you when you approach them.

There is something to be said to being “warmed up” when you get to those questions, sure – but if you get all the way to the fifth grade and have no cheats left, you’re hosed. Why not start at the fifth grade, use up the cheats and slide into the end with some easy questions at the first-grade level instead?

Now I realize that you may be required to take the questions in a particular order, or perhaps you cannot skip a grade or something along those lines – but it seems to me that you would want to do it in the precise opposite order of what everyone does. Moreover, I have seen more than one person skip from the first to the third grade, so it seems like it ought to be possible, I just wonder why it doesn’t happen that way. Surely I can’t be the only one who thinks of doing it that way.

Update: This only applied to the original programming – if you look at it from the syndicated version, it really doesn’t make any sense, so feel free to ignore the strategy comment above!

Whatever the case, while on set, Harold gets news that his wife is having their baby – only he doesn’t have time to get out of costume (and later back into costume), so he’ll have to head to the hospital wrapped in his bandages.

 Along the way, he has some problems, to put it mildly.

First he stops for gas, only the station attendant is freaked to see Harold in his costume, and the screams of the attendant scare Harold as well – so he runs off, into the bayou. A bit of an odd reaction, perhaps, but the plot needs to move along, so he has to get out there somehow.

Out in the night, Harold runs across some rednecks in a truck and they start shooting at him – amazingly he manages to avoid the occupants of the truck and their gunfire, even though he is tightly wrapped in bandages. Because he has some sort of prosthetic in his mouth, his feeble explanations come out as grunts, which does not help his situation. He runs some more.

Eventually, Harold comes across a small cabin, where he comes across a blind man, and there he meets comfort – the man even offers him some tea. Sounds a bit like Frankenstein, perhaps. Even to the point that where the man feels Harold’s bandages and starts screaming. The old man runs into the back of his cabin, where he encounters a sarcophagus (yes, in a cabin in the bayou – just deal with it), and inside is the real mummy!

As the two mummies run through the bayou – and even through a graveyard – Harold nearly gets lynched, but eventually makes it to the hospital, where his wife identifies him, and someone declares “This mummy’s a daddy!”. Meanwhile, the real mummy makes it to the movie set, where they start to unwrap his bandages.

The main issue to resolve is the war between the two families started in the last episode. For now, Tony and his family are living in separate safe houses while they try and figure out where Phil is located so that they can take him out. Until then, it seems that no one will be safe on either side.

The only clue that they have as to Phil’s location is his use of pay phones in a certain area, so they start to watch those locations, and before long, he shows up at a gas station where Phil is taken out – to add insult to injury, Phil’s idling SUV rolls over his head. Good stuff.

Just to remind you that Tony is a real family man and not just a family man, he also has to deal with his own problems. Anthony Junior feels like they are after him when his own SUV explodes – but it is just because the leaves ignited underneath it. This results in him wanting to join the army. Later, Tony gets him involved in making movies with Little Carmine – no word on whether this will distract him from joining the army or not.

Tony also goes to visit Uncle Junior in the hospital, and Junior doesn’t seem to know who he is – or perhaps he has been playing dumb so long that he doesn’t know when to drop the act. Either way, you have to imagine that he is the one that will take a fall for anything that gets handed down from the FBI.

In the final scene, Tony and his family sit in a diner to eat as the scene fades to black and that’s the end. Did Tony live? Did he die in his onion rings as Meadow walked through the door? Was the guy in the Members’ Only jacket a clue or just a distraction? Draw your own conclusions – you won’t find them in the episode.

At least until Pete realizes that he is being held up by a guy with a water pistol. Then Wayne has to knock Pete out because he needs time to come up with a new plan.

Meanwhile back at the house, Dahlia has her own problems – namely a big one, goes by the name of Dale. Just as Dahlia convinces him to leave her alone, he catches a whiff of something going on. The good neighbor Nina has always known something is going on, and is just happy to be along for the ride.

Eventually the Malloys make a run for their RV, they find out that getting away won’t be quite so easy – it seems that Dale has been doing some maintenance work for them, and now they are stuck in their new lives for at least a while longer.

There are just two episodes to go until we get to the end of this ride, and it seems like it has been taking forever – while it has been a great ride, the last couple of seasons have been painful. Really painful. What started off as some of the most amazing, interesting stories ever seen has slowly degenerated into mindless drivel. At the same time, it seems that the long, slow turn may actually be bringing things back around. It is just too bad that it took so long to get here.

Across the river, Phil has decided that he has let Tony and his crew slide by long enough – it is time for him to cut off the head of the beast. At last, some action! This decision sets in motion a flurry of activity, and strangely enough it is not just those with guns that are doing all the work.

All along, one of the more interesting developments has been with Dr. Melfi, and of late she has been troubled both by the fact that (lover, therapist, whatever) Elliot has been blabbing about her infamous patient. Surely he knows that isn’t a good idea, right? The good doctor reads the study that investigates sociopaths taking advantage of their therapy, and decides it is finally time to end their sessions. Good on her – but maybe she ought to end her own therapy as well.

Meanwhile, as the war brews, Phil does not get whacked – but his mistress does along with her father, who is mistaken for Phil. No comment on the age of the guy or the father, but you can draw your own conclusions.  In retaliation, Bobby is taken out (while he is buying model trains no less), and Silvio is attacked, but is not yet dead. And if that is not enough pressure now that he has no therapy, Tony has to deal with Janice coming around and asking him to pay to care for Uncle Junior. A guy can’t catch a break.

I mean really – lush scenery, incredible landscapes and pirates, for crying out loud. It has to be good, right?

Unfortunately, not really.

While the landscapes are good – they probably just moved the crew over from a Survivor shoot after all – and the budget for backdrop was pretty cool, since it was set on a pirate ship and all – the show itself was really bad.

Most everyone loves pirates, and while the success of Survivor shows that we love to see people connive against one another when money is involved, something just didn’t work quite right. It was probably because all the traipsing through the forests and mud meant that there was precious little time to develop the personal relationships that make Survivor work.

Survivor is a success in spite of the challenges, not because of them. Much of the show is spent showing the scheming, and the challenges are compressed to fit into the airtime. When you get a bunch of people wandering around the island figuring out how to get the gold, it doesn’t allow for that sort of interaction. If the two teams were up against one another in pirate battles, it might have been a whole lot more interesting.

Update: After just six episodes, it seems like the network agrees. Pirate Master is moving from Thursdays to Tuesdays.

Update: After just two of these Tuesday episodes, they are moving off the tube entirely – the rest of the season is to be streamed online only.

Update: The finale (two hours – online – are they trying to make this show more painful?) came and went, and I have no idea if anyone watched. But Ben Fagan of Charleston, SC became the first winner of Pirate Master. I suspect he will be the only one, ever. Congratulations, Ben!