It has been 22 days since my last blog post.

I find it so frustrating when I go this long without blogging.  I find it to be such an outlet, and don’t realize how pent up I’m getting with thoughts and ideas and… blogs.  Until I stop, sit down, and write again.  I remember how good it feels to write.

Our whole family is in this massive adjustment period right now.  Things are changing all around us, faster than we can keep up.  We all feel a little off our center, helter-skelter, trying to come back into balance.  Brock started back at work a few weeks ago, and he’s full time.  I mean… FULL TIME.  I am lucky if I see him before work, and he hasn’t been back before dark yet.  He has had to adjust to not getting to see the kids during the week.  We have had to adjust to no daddy.

A hundred times a day, “Where’d daddy go?”

“He went to work, buddy.”

“Oh, work.” (Pointing at himself,) “Me work?”

It’s sweet and heartbreaking and over and over.  We’ve found ourselves more often at the park, or “pay-ground.”  Trips to the Library (finally!) and playdates with friends.  Going out is tought, but staying home is tougher.

As we look forward and prepare for the coming months, there are more adjustments in store.  Ronan will be graduating out of the CDSA Speech program, and start receiving services through the school system.  Ruby will be turning one… and walking any minute.  I will be switching my work schedule from midnight shifts to day shifts.  And we may – hopefully, breathlessly – be moving out soon.  We have been so incredibly blessed to have this home, this family to stay with.  So incredibly lucky to have such wonderful, loving parents (in-laws, as it were) that allow us so graciously to squat while we get things sorted out.  But it’s stressful for everyone, and the return to normalcy will be a welcome change.

So much change.  Change is good.

My 2011 wrap-up of major events:

• Ronan played with Fox in the snow.
• I fell down the stairs.
• Ruby Kate was born.
• Ronan turned 2 years old.
• Ronan was evaluated and found to have a severe speech delay.
• Our family became gluten, dairy and soy free.
• Ronan began speech therapy.
• Ruby and I, experiencing breastfeeding troubles, traveled to Albany, NY to see Dr. Kotlow.
• Brock, Ruby, Ronan and I moved in with Grandmom and Granddad.
• Beautiful summer days were spent swimming out in the lake.
• I learned to crochet.
• Ronans speech ability and vocabulary began to grow by leaps and bounds!
• Ruby began doing the ‘inchworm’ crawl.
• I took an IBCLC course to become a Lactation Consultant.
• Brock and I, after a rough patch, saw a marriage counselor and found it to improve our relationship immediately.
• Brock interviewed for a job at Lowe’s Corporate – and got the job!
• Ronan had a dental check-up that found 3 cavities.  BOO.
• Everyone went up to the cabin for Thanksgiving.
• Our whole family enjoyed a wonderful, loving Christmas and look forward to a promising new year!

No car wrecks… no major health crises… no disasters.  Even though we feel like this has been the worst year of our lives, we may look back only to find it has been one of the best.

2011 was rough, but I have the feeling 2012 is going to contain great things.  I can’t wait to see what they are.  I hope you stick around to see them with me.

<3.

I’d like to believe that I’ve made some huge photographic strides in the last year, and I’ve enjoyed going through my pictures to pick my top 11.  Without further ado, and in chronological order, here they are.

Jan 8, 2011 – 34 weeks pregnant with Ruby.  This counts as a favorite picture of my kids… because I say so.

Jan 10, 2011 – Ronan’s first snow.

Feb 27, 2011 – Three week old Ruby Kate.

April 8, 2011 – This boy has fun!  I love the action, the grin, and the bokeh!

June 10, 2011 – I finally started playing around with backdrops!

July 7, 2011 – Ronan playing in my blankets… the light was perfect!

July 25, 2011 – Beautiful Ruby Kate!  I love her eyes.

August 26, 2011- This shot was an accident, I framed, looked away and then shot.  But I LOVE it.

August 29, 2011 – ROLLS.

Oct 18, 2011 – Family portraits at Carrigan farms.  This is possibly my favorite picture of all time.

Nov 16, 2011 – Sweet Ruby, 9 months old.  And lovely.

Check out some of the other submissions at naptimemomtog.com – and wish me luck!  I’ve had so much fun taking pictures of these kids this year.  I can’t wait to see the collection for next year.

Our Christmas Tree!

Ronan’s first view of the Christmas booty!

Ronan and Ed playing with a Santa gift – Cars race track.

Opening presents requires serious concentration.

Serious concentration requires a tongue.

Baby chub and sparkling eyes.

This is a hug… I swear it.

Merry Christmas friends.

If you are a follower besides on my blog, you might be aware of the trouble in paradise.

Paradise… that’s funny.  I feel like the going has been rough for ages now.  It seems like things get worse and worse until they can’t get any more terrible.  But then they do.  Get more terrible.  Life is funny like that.  We keep getting kicked while we’re down.

I’d like to feel like we’ve made the very best of a challenging and frustrating situation, but then the situation gets the best of us.  I’m not going to get into specifics (even if you know them) because this blog is read by friends and coworkers and may even by potential employers.  Brock and I have had a very rough time recently.  We weren’t sure that there was still going to be an ‘us’ at the end of the week.

But instead of giving up, we decided to fight.  Like I always do.  I don’t give up easily.  We went and saw a marriage counselor and heard some things that we really needed to hear.  Life is crapping on us right now.  Chewing us up and spitting us out.  It’s okay that we’re unhappy and frustrated and stressed out.  But it’s up to us to use this situation to allow ourselves to grow together instead of apart.  It is ALSO up to us to work on our own problems, our own demons, to make sure they don’t come between us.  We both have the right to feel loved and safe, we both have the responsibility to make the other feel so.

There is a quote going around on Pinterest… “When you feel like giving up, remember what you were fighting for in the first place.”  I’ve been thinking that a lot lately.

In light of this trouble, I find myself very thankful at the exact right time of year.  I AM thankful for my husband.  I’m thankful for my in-laws, and how they have graciously allowed us into their home.  I’m thankful for my parents, and the unwavering, unconditional support they offer me.  I’m thankful for my friends, online and real-life, that say the right things at the right time – the fact that you are there when I need you to be means so very much to me.  I’m thankful for wonderful children, and job security, and health and the possibility of good things to come.  I’m thankful for second chances… and third and fourth and fifth ones.

I’m really pretty thankful lately.

Happy Thanksgiving.

You’ve never met a happier baby.  She smiles all the time… except at Granddad.  He makes her cry.  She crawls at lightening speeds, and gets into EVERYTHING.  She puts everything in her mouth, although lately she’s taken to licking it first to see if she likes it.  She loves food.  Any and all food.  If you are eating, and don’t share?  She will grunt her displeasure until you offer her a bite.

She isn’t really nursing.  I know, I know… it was going so well.  Our lovely nursing ‘vacation’ lasted about 3 whole weeks before we reverted to regular behaviors.  For now, we are both content to bottlefeed/pump during the day and breastfeed at night.  We are both happy, and that matters.

My sweet Ruby, growing up before our very eyes.  Two teeth.  Standing and cruising.  Demanding attention.  Finally starting to babble.  Loves her brother more than anything in the world.  Giggles for daddy.  Kicks when she’s excited.  Pouts when she’s sad.

You are our world, Ruby Kate.  Happy 9 months.

*side eye*

So, whatever.  We had costumes that were passed on from friends.  Ronan had the choice of elephant and Buzz Lightyear.  Ruby was going to be either a Ladybug or a unicorn.

Fastforward to moment of dressing.  I had decided on Ladybug for Ruby, complete with black tights and black dress shoes.  Ronan had picked Elephant.  When it came time for him to step into the costume, he suddenly refused.  Instead, he picked up the “BUG!!” costume set out for Ruby, and tried to pull it on over his head.  What would have fit Ruby like a full body costume fit perfectly like a shirt for him… and he was enthralled with the antenna.  Add one pair of black striped “bug” pajama pants, and you have yourself a little boy Ladybug.

All gender issues aside, he loved his costume.  And we had a ton of fun.  Ronan’s speech therapist Emily came with us.  I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of trick or treating, but Brock and Emily kept assuring me that it would be great…. it really was great.  Ronan got the hang of “Ti-o-tee!” amazingly fast, and was so overjoyed to say hello to people giving him candy.   We spent an hour walking to houses, laughing, and enjoying the evening.  Only ONE person thought Ronan was a little girl!

When we got home, Ronan walked very seriously to the front door and asked for “More ti-o-tee pees.”  I mean really, who wouldn’t want halloween to happen more than one night a year?

It’s blurry, but I couldn’t resist.  Such a cute shot.

Ronan gets therapy twice a week, which is relatively unheard of, and what they really wanted was to find a reason to bring him down to one session a week.

Ronan had his first evaluation in April of this year.  He was 26 months old.  He had delays across the board, although his speech was definitely the most affected.  At 26 months old, Ronan’s evaluation looked like this:

Gross Motor Skills:  20 months

Fine Motor Skills : 20 months

Self Help Ability: 20 months

Social/Emotional Skills: 24 months

Speech/Communication: 12 months

As you can see, Ronan was more than a year behind in verbal communication.  He has been receiving speech therapy for nearly six months now, with a one month break in services because we moved to a different county.

Yesterday, at 33 months old, his evaluation looked like this:

Gross Motor Skills: 30 months

Fine Motor Skills: Age appropriate (33 months)

Self Help Ability: 30 months

Social/Emotional Skills: 30 months

Speech/Communication: 24 months

The evaluator, when she was giving us this information, seemed very guarded.  She seemed to feel like she was telling us awful news.  And yes, it is sort of awful to hear that your child has such a broad array of delays.

However.

However… we were thrilled.  Ronan went from an 18 month speech deficit to a 12 month deficit in 6 months?  He closed the gap in his delay by 6 whole months.  Sure, he hasn’t caught up yet.  But catching up isn’t what we expect; it’s not the way apraxia works.  What we’ve seen is HUGE progress in a short period of time.

We know that this is going to take a long time.  We know that we have a very long road ahead of us in all areas.  But it feels AMAZING to see how far he has come in such a short time, thanks to Miss Emily, our incredible speech therapist, and the ways she’s helped us teach Ronan to grow.

It’s going to be hard work.  But he is so worth it.  And we are so, so lucky.

–

Please excuse any and all errors in this post.  It’s late, I’m tired…and I’m not proofreading before bed.  Boom.

For those of you not acquainted with the breastfeeding world, that stands for International Board Certified Lactation Consultant.  I spent from 7:30 am until 5 pm helping new mommas learn how to breastfeed their babies.  It was incredible.

There were so many things I took away from my first day.  I wish I had written this the same day, but I didn’t get home until after 11:30pm, and I crashed into bed.

First, it surprised me how ambivalent some mothers were about breastfeeding.  They are ONLY on the lactation schedule if they have specified that they are choosing to breastfeed.  However, several of the mothers we went in to see first thing in the morning were happily feeding their new infants formula.  One mother in particular, when asked why she wanted to breastfeed, remarked “Because it’s better for my baby than formula.”  Meanwhile her little one was sucking away at a bottle.   A few moments later, the baby began coughing, choking on the formula, and spit out the nipple.  The LC I was shadowing took that as an opportunity to offer to help the woman latch the baby on to breast.  With very little effort, they achieved a perfect latch and the woman stated she had no pain.  She was being discharged that day.  Who knows if she will continue nursing when she leaves.

Second, it surprised me how much more there is to lactation services in the hospital than simply helping mothers breastfeed.  So many of the patients we saw required something more than just help latching – supplementation of their babies who had lost too much weight, help learning to pump, help using a nipple shield, discussions about what to do when their hospital stay was over.  It struck me how such a huge percentage of women had to have more than just latch support.

We saw the mother of a baby that was about 30 hours old.  She had lots of trouble keeping the baby awake enough to actually nurse.  She would achieve a good latch and her infant would promptly fall asleep.  We spent nearly an hour with her showing her techniques to wake the baby, and still felt like the baby needed constant or near constant stimulation to stay awake enough to nurse.  We offered to go back for her next feeding to assist again so she would have two good feedings before discharge.  At the next feeding, her baby remained sleepy and difficult to rouse.  She was offered a nipple shield as a tool to help the baby feel the nipple in her mouth… and it was suddenly a different baby!  In a matter of seconds, the sweet newborn sucked with vigor and energy, and appeared to be transferring milk as there was colostrum left behind in the shield when latch was broken.  It was incredible to see this mother’s confidence suddenly soar; previously she had been unsure and already contemplating formula, where now she was again excited about her ability to feed her baby.

There were so many more.  I wish I could write about them all, but this post would span pages.  At the end of the day, I felt so consumed by my emotions.  Humbled by these mothers that open themselves up to our help, and trust us with their breastfeeding relationships.  Unsure of my ability to rise to the needs of these mother-baby dyads.  Overwhelmed by the struggles that women face despite the urgent, desperate desire to nurse their children.  And so, so excited for what the future holds for me.  I’m so terribly thrilled about the passion I feel to do this job, to make this work.  I can’t wait.

So I dressed up my family, packed up the car, and we went to the pumpkin patch.  My darling mother-in-law came with and wielded the camera so I could be in a few shots too!  I’d love to share a few of my favorites with you.

Do not underestimate the difficulty of getting two children to look at the camera at the same time.

My sweet cherub.

He’s so much fun!

I probably couldn’t be happier with this picture.

Me and my sweet girl!

Every one looks great!… except… oh, Ruby.  Hahahahaha.

Oh… I die.

My favorite shot of the day.

Thanks for looking. <3.