Ten Dollar Beers

So Long, Doc

2011-07-06T19:54:00.004-04:00

Something funny happened in Toronto this past weekend. Canada Day weekend, as always, is a memorable occasion for those thankful for their country. In Toronto, the sunbathed city streets were lined with red and white. Even the least patriotic appeared to have raided the darkest corners of their closets for anything resembling national colors, as if to do otherwise would have been akin to treason. And while I shared in the collective fervor of a country in the midst of a return to its glory days – peace through strength, what a novel concept – my gaze was fixated elsewhere: the SkyDome.

The Dome, now a giant multimedia store known as the Rogers Centre, is not the world’s prettiest ballpark. Hell, it’s not even a ballpark, it’s a concrete, soulless slab; but it’s OUR concrete, soulless slab. Nevertheless, on a beautiful summer day with the roof open it at least gives off the vibe of a Major League ballpark. That’s why, with a perfect weather report, the choice was simple: Canada Day weekend would be spent at the “ballpark”.

The choice, however, was never really a choice at all. Finally, Roy Halladay was returning to his former home as a member of the Philadelphia Phillies. Halladay, long burdened with the weight of Toronto’s failed sporting hopes on his shoulders, was well deserving of the hero’s welcome he received upon his arrival Friday. Greeted by 45,000 fans and a standing ovation as he presented the Phillies’ lineup card pre-game, he wore what was likely the biggest smile he’d ever had in the city of Toronto. And while he wouldn’t pitch ‘til Saturday, it didn’t seem to matter at the time. The Doc was home. But that’s when the unexpected began.

Somewhere between the national anthems, a tribute to the Canadian Forces, a plethora of Jose Bautista home runs (one even off Halladay, how symbolic), a horrendous piece of umpiring by the much-maligned Alfonso Marquez, and three hotly-contested, emotional games, it stopped being about Roy Halladay. That might not sound like much, but for a city so awash in its own sporting nostalgia – done so to make up for the failings of the present – it was a notable achievement.

Closure is not a term synonymous with Toronto sports fandom. We don’t win titles, we don’t make the playoffs, and we often lose our best and brightest to greener, more southern pastures. But this weekend felt different. Not different in the way Maple Leafs fans tell themselves that this season will be the one, or how Raptors fans hold onto the hope that this new tall and skinny European will be better than the last; but an actual, tangible, difference. For once it wasn’t about the past, or misguided dreams for the future. It was about a good young ball club competing hard over a weekend that saw around 110,000 fans join them in-person for the ride.

I was one of them, wearing my old Roy Halladay jersey – a fashion choice that seems silly now, but also fitting. For while I was berating Alfonso Marquez with unprintable expletives, and serenading Jose Bautista with chants of “MVP!” the name on the back of the jersey no longer mattered. It was about the name on the front. Something real.

Site Update

2011-06-12T18:18:00.000-04:00

As of July 1st I'll be back to writing regularly. Your patience has been greatly appreciated.

Thoughts on the NBA Playoffs: The Dilemma of the Underdog

2011-04-25T21:06:00.003-04:00

Of all the series in this 2011 NBA playoffs, there is none that exemplifies the David vs. Goliath narrative better than that of the L.A. Lakers vs. the New Orleans Hornets. With more size and talent at almost every position, the title-favourite Lakers were widely predicted to sweep the series in convincing fashion (by myself included). After four games, however, the only thing I’m convinced of is that New Orleans has got to be the most endearing underdog since the 2007 Golden State Warriors, who made history by becoming the first 8^th seeded to knock off a no. 1 seed.

As of today, the Hornets have tied the series at two wins apiece behind a performance from their captain, point guard Chris Paul, that has been so terrific that attempting to describe it in passing couldn’t possibly do it justice, and a scrambling defense that has done an admirable job of stymying a veritable army of Lakers big men. In short, the Hornets are my ideal underdog, and choosing a team to root for whenever I turn on their games is by far the easiest decision of my day. Yet despite everything I’ve written above, part of me is conflicted.

It’s a part that I’m not happy about, a part that that doesn’t care about Cinderella stories or legendary upsets. It flares up whenever I read about the famous playoff rivalries from the 80s, the ones fought by the game’s biggest stars and signature teams. Because although watching this New Orleans squad knock back the titanic Lakers has been a joy in many ways, deep down I know that in order for one of my dream Finals matchups to happen, …L.A. must move on. If the Boston Celtics are to renew their war with the Lakers, or the Miami Heat are to collide with the Purple and Gold in a star-studded EVENT, this story has to end with the Villain prevailing.

It’s a strange feeling, fist-pumping after every clutch Chris Paul play and booing every time Kobe is sent to the line on a weak call, when all I can honestly admit to wanting is a spectacular, seven game series where my team doesn’t win. A kind of double-think is required when watching these games, with a voice in the back of my head always whispering against my cheers. Watching Game 4, my eyes widened when Kobe rolled his ankle towards the end of the 4^th quarter, and I breathed a sigh of relief at the knowledge that the Lakers would be unlikely to catch the Hornets that night with their star injured (but hopefully not too injured, whispered the voice, knowing full well that a healthy Bryant would be necessary to dispatch future foes). So, I will continue pulling for the underdog Hornets, shaking my head in wonder at the desperation of their play, hoping for a Game 7 that comes down to one final possession, one series-deciding shot…and that the Villain will walk away the victor.

Site News

2011-04-21T14:34:00.000-04:00

With my University career winding down posting will be sparse due to an obligation to focus and finish strong. Apologies for my tardiness, in a perfect world I would be free to write about sports all day long.

Swing Thoughts - The Masters

2011-04-04T17:04:00.004-04:00

"Swing Thoughts" is a column that features my disparate thoughts on what is going on in the golfing world.

This year's Masters tournament marks the 25th anniversary of Jack Nicklaus' historic performance in his final Major triumph. Coming into the '86 Masters the Golden Bear had not won a Major since the 1980 PGA Championship. By the second nine on Sunday, Nicklaus was 4 back, and given little chance of catching the game's new star, Seve Ballesteros. Proving that the tournament doesn't really begin until the back nine on Sunday, Jack fired a closing nine of 30 to win his 18th and final Major championship. Count on seeing this video all week:

The importance of Phil Mickelson's win in Houston cannot be over stated. Phil had not won in his 40s, had played poorly most of this season, and had not won a tournament since last year's Masters. If not for Tiger's drought, Phil's poor play would have been the biggest story of the year. However, all that is history now. After admitting that he wasn't focused on Houston, but was using it to tune up for the Masters, Mickelson put together an incredible weekend of 63-65 to secure his 39th career victory. Win number 39 ties Mickelson with Tom Watson and Gene Sarazen for tenth all-time. Phil's distance off the tee was fantastic, he seemed to hit every green in regulation, and his putting was as good as it has ever been. While Scott Verplank put up a good challenge, Phil was too much to handle.

After his commanding performance in Houston, Phil Mickelson has to be the clear favorite to put on the green jacket at the end of the week. One of only four players to have won the Masters after winning the week before the tournament, Phil has proven that he can carry a hot hand into the Masters.

Odds makers put Tiger Woods at 8-1 to win the Masters. Only Phil Mickelson is more highly favored. No one really knows what to expect out of Tiger this week. Last year the Masters was Woods' first tournament back and he finished in fourth placce. However, at that time he was still working with swing coach Hank Haney. Since leaving Haney, Woods has been working on his new swing with instructor Sean Foley. Results have been mixed, with flashes of brilliance, but no wins and a lack of consistency. Tiger says he has been gearing up for the Masters all year. This week should answer a lot of questions about Woods' comeback.

Some players to keep an eye on this week could be: Bubba Watson and Anthony Kim.

With the Augusta National lengthened, it favors big hitters. However, the course still demands creativity and shot shaping. Bubba fits the bill on all counts. He is the longest hitter on the Tour, and the most imaginative with his shots. His 300+ yard "dink cut"is a perfect tee shot on many holes that demand a right-to-left ball flight.

Last year Anthony Kim finished in third place at the Masters, fueled by a seven under 65 on Sunday. Defending his title in Houston last week, Kim fired a round of eight under par to carry him into a tie for 13th place. He has rededicated himself to the game, and has shown the potential to go very low.

With all the talk of European dominance going into this season, Europe's stars have not looked particularly impressive as of late. One European player who may be flying under the radar this week is number 4 ranked Luke Donald. Donald played brilliantly earlier this year in the match play championship, and has had a fantastic week of practice at his home course.

As Jim Nantz puts it, the Masters is a "tradition unlike any other." The aura of the Augusta National Golf Club is unique in sports. From the club's founders, Bobby Jones and Clifford Roberts, to the tournament's great champions, who can still play in the event, there is nothing in sports like the Masters. Professional golfers play courses in pristine condition every week, but there is no comparison to the way Augusta National is manicured. The drastic elevation changes, the swirling winds, the storied holes and the immaculate greens all add up to the the most exciting week in golf. Enjoy.

Hope Springs Eternal

2011-04-03T23:14:00.003-04:00

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville - mighty Casey has struck out.

Hope is a superfluous concept for Toronto sports fans, as we tend to rarely see the forest through the trees. Each year we resemble the patrons in Ernest Thayer’s famous baseball poem “Casey at the Bat”, in that we expect failure, yet we still let ourselves become enraptured by false hope. Flawed free agent signings turn into parade planning fodder, winning streaks signal the birth of a dynasty, and mediocre draft picks are labeled as prodigious talents with ease. It’s just in our nature to overreact to mediocrity, because frankly it’s been ages since we’ve had anything worth cheering for.

As The Globe and Mail's Stephen Brunt adeptly pointed out in a segment featured before the Blue Jays’ triumphant home opener, Toronto is a sporting city that has not had its fandom rewarded since the early-nineties; yet we still hold onto those memories like grim death. And it’s in that nostalgia that we lose focus on the failures of the present. In the hope for a return to the glory days, we have overvalued nearly every athlete or executive that has called our fair city home. And that’s not fair to them, or us.

Perspective has been difficult to achieve for a reason that’s fairly clear: as a city well versed in failure, any moderate success will be magnified. “You mean the Raptors weren’t eliminated from the playoff race until after the All Star break? Well gosh, what a marked improvement!” It’s in this mindset that we’ve let many meaningless last-minute playoff pushes lead us astray from the ultimate goal for the city’s sporting franchises: sustainable winning seasons.

For all these reasons, anyone of a particularly strong faith would be justified in labeling Toronto as sporting limbo, because we’ve sat back and watched as over a decade’s worth of teams simply treaded water with no end or goal in sight. That’s what makes 2011 so foreign. Because, at the risk of drinking the Kool-Aid once again, it appears that perhaps there truly is light at the end of the tunnel.

The Blue Jays and the Maple Leafs will likely both miss the playoffs this year. And while that’s neither a new development, nor earth-shattering news, they carry with them a hope for tomorrow unseen since the glory days of those aforementioned early-nineties. The Maple Leafs, currently on an astounding late season tear, simply refuse to lose. And as the youngest team in the league, with a multitude of promising young players, and 20+ million dollars in cap room this offseason, it appears that General Manager Brian Burke has finally torn down MLSE’s iron curtain of ineptitude.

Off the ice and on the diamond, that future is even brighter. With a successful opening weekend under their belt – and one that drew over 100,000 fans to the SkyDome – hope is actually springing eternal on Blue Jay Way. With one of the best farm systems in the big leagues, a litany of young MLB-ready talent, and a bright young mind at the helm in Alex Anthopoulos, even the daunting task of life within the AL East has not crushed the spirits of baseball purists who see the vast potential for this team. Which isn’t to say that recent squads have been lousy, after all the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series with less wins than a Blue Jays team outside of the playoff picture, but the sheer amount of youth involved on this year's team makes it easy to dream of something more.

So it’s with this renewed, albeit cautious optimism, that we move forward; a direction we haven’t taken in quite some time. Knowing our luck, or lack thereof, this bandwagon is likely to break down by the side of the road early on in the journey. But for once, just maybe, there will be joy in Mudville. And if not, so be it. At least for a change we have something actually worth believing in.

Welcome Back March Madness

2011-03-29T13:44:00.000-04:00

Of the nearly six million brackets filled out for ESPN’s Tournament Challenge, only two of them correctly picked the Final Four this year. So in other words, welcome back March Madness. Not only did no number one or two seed advance to the Final Four for the first time in the tournament’s history, but also more importantly we have a break from the chalk-laden brackets of the past few years.

Half the fun of March Madness is in the upsets, and more specifically, the ones that you had penciled into your bracket. No one likes that guy in their pool who takes all one seeds in their Final Four, and sadly the past few years such milquetoast behavior has been largely rewarded. Here’s the past four years:

In 2007: We had Florida (1), Ohio State (1), Georgetown (2), and UCLA (2).

In 2008: Kansas (1), Memphis (1), UCLA (1), and North Carolina (1).

In 2009: North Carolina (1), Connecticut (1), Michigan State (2), and Villanova (3).

In 2010: Duke (1), West Virginia (2), Butler (5), and Michigan State (5).

It was a four-year period of such soul-crushing unoriginality that even US President Barack Obama was inspired to pick all one seeds in his bracket this year: a misstep that has surely delighted Republicans basketball fans from coast to coast. But perpetual partisan squabbling aside, this year we should give thanks, for it appears the basketball gods were finally listening.

The whole point of a 68-team championship field is to encourage upsets and to promote drama, so when the favorites steamroll through it defeats the purpose. So while this year isn’t exactly an otherworldly showcase of basketball prowess, Kentucky (4), Connecticut (3), Butler (8), and VCU (11) carry a sense of intrigue that should in part make up for the lack of star power.

Yes, the tournament can be gimmicky, and it requires an ample amount of luck to advance – such a Butler’s officiating gift against Pittsburgh. But it’s for the most part fair, and a baptism by fire is required to reach the pinnacle. The same can hardly be said for college basketball’s counterpart.

Boise State can stroll through an easy schedule on the gridiron and be planted in a top bowl game, while a team like VCU has to earn its stripes on the hardwood against a perennial powerhouse like Kansas. It’s in this proper spirit of competition that the tournament truly comes alive, and thankfully, at least this year, it has returned to the unpredictability that made it so popular in the first place.

Photo credit: Sports Illustrated

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned... Except for the IRS

2011-03-26T12:51:00.005-04:00

When William Congreve wrote The Mourning Bride in 1697 the IRS was not even a distant nightmare, thus explaining his oversight. Today, almost every facet of life seems to be of concern to the taxman. As professional athletes have climbed the income ladder, they have become bigger targets for tax collectors.

The ongoing American recession has resulted in a great decline of tax revenues. As a result, tax collectors at all levels have searched for new ways to increase their take. One area currently being zeroed in on is professional golfers due to their high incomes and complex tax situation.

Professional golfers trot the globe, playing in tournaments in the Americas, Asia, Europe, Africa and Australia. Within these continents, countries, states, provinces and municipalities have different tax codes. As a result, in can be difficult for golfers to calculate exactly how much they owe who in taxes. Additionally, an ambiguous tax situation is being treated like an opportunity to pounce by eager Treasury officials.

Professional golfers have always had to pay taxes in the state where they earn their income. For instance, if a Floridian golfer wins a tournament in California, he pays California state taxes on his winnings. This makes sense, as the player worked in California when he produced that income. However, what is more complicated, and being litigated at this time, is golfers' endorsement income.

Golf Digest's Peter Finch reports:

Let's say a company pays $1 million a year to sponsor you. Some of this money is considered "personal services": what you get for wearing the logo on your visor, appearing in ads and showing up at a few outings each year. The rest is considered "royalties." This is the money you get for your image and your reputation -- that hard-to-define quality that makes people want to buy products you've endorsed...

U.S. tax treaties treat royalty income differently, and in most cases more favorably, than personal-services income. The more players can get the tax man to recognize as royalties, the greater their take-home pay.

Enter Sergio Garcia and Retief Goosen. Eying these players' large incomes, the IRS is trying to reclassify some of Garcia's and Goosen's endorsement money so that it can be paid in back taxes. The IRS claims that Sergio Garcia owes them $1.72 million, and that Retief Goosen owes $160,000, plus $32,000 in penalties. One's initial reaction may not be a great feeling of sympathy for men who earn millions of dollars a year playing sports. However, the consequences of the rulings in the Garcia and Goosen cases will be far reaching.

If it is found that Garcia's and Goosen's do in fact owe the IRS more money, and that their endorsements can be treated like personal services instead of royalties, it will hurt professional golf, and most likely result in lower tax revenues in the long run.

To avoid paying taxes, players will avoid playing tournaments in the United States, or even in high tax sates. While major tournaments will not be hurt, smaller tournaments will be decimated. In order to attract sponsors, tournaments rely on strong fields. However, elite players earn the bulk of their income through endorsements. If players have to worry that their endorsement income will be taxed every time they play in a high tax state it is a distinct possibility that they will skip tournament based on tax considerations. Moreover, if international players have to worry that they will be hounded by the IRS every time they set foot in the United States, they may opt to play more tournaments at home.

In addition to lowering the quality of professional golf in the United States, there are a number of ancillary economic effects a ruling against Garcia and Goosen will have. If tournaments are unable to attract top fields, they will have to lower ticket prices. Without marquee players in the field, sponsors pay less because fewer people are interested. The money payed by elite players in royalty taxes will also vanish if they stop playing in the United States. There are also numerous consequences of less interest in the diluted sport. Less merchandise gets sold, concessions at the tournament sell less, and so on. All of these factors add up to less capital being produced, and that results in lower tax revenues.

The IRS is overeager to reap a short term windfall at the cost of a long term revenue stream. A better system would encourage people who excel in their fields to come and work in the United States. However, that has not been the goal of the tax code for the past nearly one hundred years - and that is unlikely to change.

A Desperate Plea for Sanity

2011-03-25T17:25:00.000-04:00

Last night against the Avalanche – on the same night that Rogers Sportsnet aired a vacuous special on hits to the head entitled “Crisis on Ice” – Maple Leafs’ defenseman Mike Komisarek delivered a booming yet 100% legal hit in the open ice on Colorado’s Mark Oliver (video here). Instantly the Sportsnet Ontario announcing team – and the normally sound of mind Joe Bowen – began to question the merits of the hit. Such a reaction is significant for it represents the real crisis on ice: overreaction.

In the post-Pacioretty era it was an inevitability that an image driven, hockey rabid media would overreact with the gentle hum of the world’s smallest violin playing in the background. But this is too much. On just the first replay hockey fans were greeted with abject moralizing on the hit falling within a grey area, when it did not. This morning the Toronto Star’s Damien Cox claimed that it was a dirty hit because Oliver wasn’t fair game because he hadn’t yet obtained “meaningful” possession of the puck. Here’s a real grey area for a league full of them: what on earth is meaningful possession of the puck? Boy, are we grasping at straws now.

Here’s the thing, there is no great plague laying waste to the integrity of the game. Hits to the head aren’t up. For whatever reason, the actual issues that lead to hits to the head are buried amidst an avalanche of superfluous rhetoric. For one thing, accidents can just happen. And to think that we can just prevent any hits to the head whatsoever is lunacy, and it does a disservice to the game.

Concussions don’t just happen, and guys don’t just drop to the ice on a whim. The human body is meant to withstand a certain amount of punishment. This means the hits aren’t natural. So before we burn Zdeno Chara at the stake, let’s take a look at the three issues in the game today that actually lead to headshots – and no, one of them is not a vast anti-Quebecois conspiracy. They are:

The modern equipment
The increased pace of play
A lack of accountability

Hardly as ominous, these three are the real crux of the perceived problem. And incase you didn’t notice, these are the exact same issues the NFL is facing in regards to player safety.

The modern pads, however advanced, are rock hard. Don Cherry has on a few occasions now rightly pointed out the difference between pads back in the day, and pads now. The difference is night and day. Elbow and shoulder pads today are fit for riot police. The solution is right in front of us: change the regulation on padding. We’d save ink, trees, and the souls of those poor sports realists who have grown wary of their newspaper being drenched in bleeding hearts.

As far as pace of play is concerned, the same sportswriters that called for no more two-line passes and clutching and grabbing are now screaming for the NHL to take drastic action against body checking. Yet once again, the real issue is right in front of us. If you let a dog off its leash at the park – and for sake of argument lets say this dog is a physical specimen that ways around 220 pounds – don’t feign outrage if it barrels over a small dog or two. The game is more violent because it’s faster now, and that’s our doing.

Thirdly, lack of accountability looms large. The NHL league office makes a living on arbitrary suspension calls. When there is precedent set, somehow the hit falls into a non-existent grey area that magically alters the punishment. When there isn’t precedent, they fail to set it. They cannot be trusted to police the game because frankly, they aren’t very good at their jobs. Gary Bettman put hockey in Arizona folks; benefit of the doubt need not apply. So let’s remove the instigator penalty and see what happens. Do we honestly think a paper tiger like Matt Cooke gets away with gutless cheap shots if actual accountability exists?

Think of it this way, if you own a business, and it isn’t producing to its utmost capacity, do you just abandon all hope and cut your losses? No, you micromanage; you analyze what works, and what doesn’t. You dig deep, and you think practically instead of panicking. This is how the NHL should handle its media driven problem. Player safety is tantamount to the game, but so is the integrity of the game itself. This is basic cause and consequence; headshots don’t just materialize in the air. And it’s fascinating really; you’d think an issue involving the brain’s safety would involve at least a hint of original thought.

Swing Thoughts - March 21, 2011

2011-03-21T20:05:00.006-04:00

"Swing Thoughts" is a column that features my disparate thoughts on what is going on on the PGA Tour.

Are we due for an onset of El Niño? In 1999 19 year old Spanish sensation Sergio Garcia wowed golf fans at the PGA Championship with his powerful swing and Seve-esque creativity. Many believed that 1999 would mark the beginning of a long rivalry between Sergio and Tiger Woods. However, poor putting and a bad attitude got in the way of Garcia's ascent. Garcia's frustration was so great he took an extended leave from the game beginning last year. Last week at Innisbrook, Sergio made his return to the United States. While Garcia ended up in a T-15, he put together three good rounds and one great one, which included improved putting. With all the media focusing on the alleged rise of a new generation of players, a rejuvenated and refocused Garcia could make for the year's biggest story.

Phil Mickelson's backwards shot is one of my favorite golf videos:

Tiger Woods' new swing has him drawing the ball off the tee, something he has not done particularly well in the recent past. Hitting a consistent draw will be useful in a few weeks when Tiger heads back to to Augusta to play in the Masters, where draws are a necessity. In an unbelievable turn of events, Tiger has had great difficulty working the ball left to right off the tee. Fading the ball has been Tiger's go-to tee-shot for years. Additionally, his new swing seems to prevent him from playing his famous "stinger" shot.

On a another Tiger note, much of the discussion over the future of Tiger Woods as a golfer is insane. Three points that need to be refuted: 1) Tiger's done 2)It will be more difficult for Tiger to win another 5 Majors than it was for him to win his first 14 because of stiffer competition 3) Tiger's lost the intimidation factor. 1) Finished - Tiger Woods didn't suddenly lose all his talent when he crashed his car last year. He had an awful year off the course and it clearly hurt his play. He is human. He will be back. 2) Competition - This point can only be based on short memories. Tiger Woods has not exactly been beating nobodies for the last 14 years. Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els, Vijay Singh, David Duval, Padraig Harrington, Retief Goosen and Payne Stewart to name a few, all played in the Tiger era. These men have all won Major championships, and all but Duval have won multiple Majors. Lets see some of the under 30 hot shots on the Tour today win just one Major before we anoint them. 3) Intimidation - To be fair, this point is contingent upon me being correct in my previous two points. In 2005, the last time Tiger was in a 'slump,' the media made the same point. They claimed that Tiger had lost his edge and that the guys weren't afraid of him anymore. Then he won the Masters. From 2005 to 2009 Tiger Woods played some of the most consistently dominant golf in PGA history. Guess what? The guys were afraid of him again. The Tiger intimidation factor will return when Woods starts to win again.

Follow Hank Haney (Tiger's last swing coach) on twitter (@HankDHaney). He is brutally honest and extremely entertaining. From the evolution of Tiger's game, to his spat with Sean Foley, to correcting your swing, Haney has interesting insights on all things golf.

This week the Tour concludes the Florida swing at Arnie's tournament, the Arnold Palmer Invitational presented by MasterCard. The field at this event includes most of the top players in the game. Changing his schedule, Phil Mickelson announced that he will be playing this week. Tiger Woods has also confirmed that he will be in the competition. In the past, Tiger Woods has owned this tournament, making a series of dramatic putts on the 72nd hole to clinch his victories. Bay Hill is a beautiful and challenging course that seems to always produce exciting finishes.

It seems hard to believe, but the Masters is only a matter of weeks away. With the season's first Major just around the corner, this week at Bay Hill should help identify who the real contenders are for this year's green jacket. That's all for this week.

The NFL Shrugged

2011-03-16T01:47:00.001-04:00

Contrary to popular belief, the owners aren’t the bad guys in the early stages of this NFL lockout. And moreover, that same popular belief has been greatly misrepresented. Anyone who has read a sports section recently has more than likely come across articles with headlines of this fashion in regards to the NFL’s labor struggles:

“For the owners, greed is good”

“The rich get richer”

“Poor, illness-stricken, scrappy white receiver only wishes to return to running slant routes, but the evil billionaires don’t want him to”

“Report: Billionaire’s cackling maniacally while lighting cigars with burning, secret, concussion studies”

Those last two are exaggerated, but given the tone of the sports writing that has accompanied much of this labor dispute they may as well be true. Yes, the labor dispute is about maximizing profits for a $9 billion dollar industry, but when did that become a bad thing? That’s capitalism for you: the same system that allowed the league to succeed, and it’s the same system that offers us all that same opportunity. The NFL league office is not a drum circle; it’s one of the world’s most popular brands, and ordinary businesses evolve into titans of industry because they know how to stretch a dollar.

The simple issue at hand is this, the 2006 CBA rewarded players with 60% of all revenue. The owners covered 100% of all costs, yet they only received 40% of that revenue. It’s hard to sympathize with that 40% when such a number still ends up in the hundreds of millions, but that’s still a flawed agreement. Such an arrangement was not a viable model for long-term success, so the owner’s opted out of the CBA. That’s actually quite reasonable, so why the greed-oriented spin?

Well for one thing, it’s more idealistic to root for the little guy. Although we shouldn’t overlook the fact that in this equation the little guy is a multi-million dollar athlete who’s rising up against the evil tyrant who rewards him handsomely for his work in front of countless adoring fans and sponsors. So yes, we should be spared the Player’s Union victim card. Now, the NFLPA is not without it’s proper grounds for argument. The 18 game schedule proposal is an atrocious idea, and better benefits for injured players, and new legislation on player safety and insurance is a must. But the rest is just union chest thumping, and a serious case of the pot calling the kettle black.

There is a reason the owners have their jobs; just like there’s a reason the players have theirs. To be an NFL owner, you have to be smart, business savvy, and incredibly wealthy. To be an NFL player, you have to be an incredible athlete, and the wealth will follow. Brains need not always apply, and they often don’t. This lockout is unfortunate on many levels, and hope for a resolution wanes with each passing day. But in order to do both sides justice, we must at least attempt to see the forest through the trees. The league is not at fault, and neither are the players. Whether the 2011-2012 season is saved remains to be seen. Until then, for the sake of proper argument, just stay clear of the word greed in general. That, and the amateur moralizing of writers who view economics through rose colored, and Oliver Stone influenced, glasses.

The Sound and the Fury

2011-03-11T22:33:00.000-05:00

Be still our beating hearts.

Yes, the Max Pacioretty hit was hard to watch. Yes, his injuries are terrible. Yes, the NHL has a history of protecting its thugs. But, the funny thing is, despite all the ranting, raving, and rambling, we keep missing the point here: it wasn't nearly as bad as past incidents because it was entirely relative to the position in which it occurred on the ice, and it wasn't pre-meditated. This wasn’t Todd Bertuzzi’s heinous attack on Steve Moore, which sadly the league bungled as usual – but honestly, what do you really expect from the head office by now? This wasn’t Matt Cooke’s deliberate, gutless, elbow to the head of Marc Savard that may have likely ended the career of the talented playmaker. This wasn’t Marty McSorley’s attempt to behead fellow tough guy Donald Brashear.

Why not? Because those plays could have happened anywhere on the ice, and they carried clear intent. The Pacioretty injury was only made possible by the partition between the benches, and it occurred on a regular hockey play no less. This wasn’t a premeditated mugging by some fourth line knuckle-dragger, this is Zdeno Chara we’re talking about here: a behemoth of a man, who happens to be one of the very best players in the league. Yes, he interfered with Pacioretty on the play, and yes he deserved a penalty. But if that play happens anywhere else on the ice, it’s merely a two-minute minor. And with the inability to prove intent, this outrage is completely misguided. Don’t aim it at Chara; aim it at the league.

Not only does the video not show a lack of intent, but it highlights one key piece of the puzzle missed in the ensuing sanctimonious and convenient uproar: that partition doesn’t belong to Zdeno Chara. In fact, every team has one. By the sounds of it the past few days, you’d have thought that Chara kept that very turnbuckle in his back pocket ‘til the mood struck him right. Max Pacioretty is the victim here. He was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and it had tragic consequences. A fractured, non-displaced vertebrae, along with a severe concussion is about as close to a death sentence your career can get – without actually dying – in the new age of head injury treament. But sadly, that’s the risk one takes when they’re flying around an ice surface every night with 250-pound men. It’s in the fine print on the job application, and it’s a disturbing possibility for every player in the league.

Now this isn’t to say deliberate hits to the head should be tolerated. They certainly should not be. With each passing day new facts are revealed about concussions and the long-term effects these injuries really have; with each new discovery more jarring than the last. However, when it gets to the point where league sponsors are posturing over an outlier of an incident to gain public favor, while locals are filing police reports, we have a bigger problem than just head injuries. For if we as a general public can no longer differentiate between concrete issues and those irrationally based on emotion, we aren’t part of the solution at all, we’re part of the problem.

If your average Joe slips on a banana peel on the sidewalk on the way to work and cracks his back, is Chiquita really responsible? Sometimes, bad things just happen whether we like it or not. The world is full of variables everyday, and split-second decisions influence other split-second decisions. The decision by Zdeno Chara to rub Max Pacioretty out into the boards shouldn’t be viewed as much different, despite how many outraged YouTube comments it receives. It’s heart wrenching, yes; but let’s put down the torches and pitchforks until we cool off here. After all, there’s a fine line between making the world a better place through safety, and taking the nanny state fast track towards an Orwellian future.

Confessions of a Delusional Mind

2011-03-05T20:24:00.002-05:00

Alex: Umm, hello, everyone. Wow, this isn’t as easy as it looks. Well, my name’s Alex…

Group: Hi Alex.

Alex: Uh yah, Hi. Well I’m here because I have a problem with substance abuse. Do I really have to do this? This seems redundant.

Group Leader: It’s all right son; take your time. Let this serve as a cathartic experience. We don’t judge here, we only care.

Alex: OK, I hear catharsis is good. Well I was raised with a proclivity for this particular vice. It’s in my blood, whether I like it or not. Is that normal?

Group Leader: Yes. Many of the people we deal with inherit their diseases hereditarily.

Alex: Oh, well that’s somewhat a relief. So my problem, this addiction, is ruining my life. It keeps me up at night, it draws me back in even when I think I’ve kicked it for good, and it feeds off my mind like a parasite. I can’t avoid it. I see it everyday on television, the Internet, the newspaper, Facebook status updates, and text messages. People wear it as a sweater. It’s in every alleyway, and on every street. It’s like it’s following me, and there’s no escape. Does that make any sense?

Group Leader: Our problems often seem to follow us around, Alex, so yes that makes sense.

Alex: Good. So this addiction, not only does it follow me around everywhere, but it also leads to unrealistic expectations, with no payoff. Its constantly promising success, when all it gives is failure. But despite being conscious of this, I still can’t give it up.

Group Leader: Changing is never easy Alex. This room is full of addicts who realize the error in their ways, yet it’s never as easy as just blinking and curing your problems with your mind.

Alex: But Charlie Sheen said…

Group Leader: Please don’t mention his name in here.

Alex: Oh right, the whole support group as a cult thing. Well in fairness to him you are serving Kool-Aid in the back.

Group: *Dead Silence*

Alex: Tough crowd.

Group Leader: To get back on track, why don’t you describe the symptoms of your addiction?

Alex: Well I suppose the usual symptoms are: volatile mood swings, heartbreak, blindness, slurred speech, deafness, sleep walking, uncontrollable weeping, seasonal affective disorder, and brain damage.

Group Leader: My goodness, so we’re talking about multiple addictions then?

Alex: Nope, still just one. I feel like a Zombie too, does that count as a symptom?

Group Leader: No, that’s not a symptom.

Alex: That’s too bad, it should be. Zombies are in right now.

Group Leader: Alex, please. Focus. Now tell us, if you’re comfortable, what pray tell is this awful affliction that troubles you?

Alex: Oh had I forgotten to mention that? My mistake. I’m a Maple Leafs fan.

Group: *A collective gasp, followed by muffled cries of outrage*

Group Leader: Pardon me? Do you think this is some kind of joke?

Alex: Not at all! I mean come on. The odds of us actually making the playoffs this year are slim at best, yet I can’t look away. Hell I spent the last three days watching fan made YouTube videos of our winning streak. You can’t tell me that’s not a problem!

Group Leader: This is an outrage; please leave immediately.

Alex: Fine, I need a drink anyways.

As a side note, this has been my 100th piece, so I’d just like to say a quick thank you to all our readers. As a busy student in his final year before graduation, finding the time to post regularly can be difficult, so thank you kindly for your time and patience.

Swing Thoughts - March 2, 2011

2011-03-02T20:30:00.004-05:00

"Swing Thoughts" is a new column that will appear on a regular basis. The column features my disparate thoughts on what is going on on the PGA Tour.

With a complex Official World Golf Ranking system, sometimes official rankings are mystifying. That cannot be said about Martin Kaymer's number 1 world ranking. Last year Kaymer won the PGA Championship and 3 other tournaments. This year, the man with what Johnny Miller described as a "cool hand Luke" demeanor decisively won the Abu Dhabi HSBC Golf Championship, and finished in second place at the WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship. The 26 year old German standout is a deserving top-rank holder, even if he does wear a "Buff."

Bubba from Bagdad (not Baghdad) is the most exciting and entertaining player to watch, week in, week out. There's a reason Tiger Woods likes to practice with Bubba Watson: no one hits shots like Bubba. Everyone knows Bubba goes deep; he is the longest driver on Tour right now. But what makes Bubba so exciting to watch is his ability to see and execute shots no one else dares to look for. Take a look at this shot hit at Kapalua earlier this year:

The Tour has to do something about pace of play. Players are not going to fly through 3 hour rounds on the PGA. Okay. But the glacial pace of today's game turns fans off. There are far too many human rain delays on the Tour. Penalty strokes should be assessed more regularly for not keeping up the pace.

Golf commentators have to remember that Tiger Woods is human. The man did not exactly have a great year last year. On top of that, Tiger has switched instructors and is learning a brand new swing. No one knows if Tiger will ever return to the form we've come to expect from him. However, it is far too early to pronounce defeat for arguably the greatest golfer of all-time.

This week's stop on the PGA Tour is the Honda Classic at the PGA National Champion Course in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. PGA National is one of the most difficult courses played all year. The birdie or better percentage from the fairway is 16%, third from the lowest of any course played. Tour players can expect 1 eagle for every 1,317 holes played, making PGA National the least eagleable course played all year. This difficult test of golf is best known for holes 15, 16 and 17, known as the "Bear Trap." 15 and 17 are par 3s, all over water. This finishing stretch makes for an exciting Sunday afternoon.

With the Florida Swing kicking off tomorrow at the Honda Classic, the countdown to the Masters can officially begin. That's all for this week.

Storm Clouds on the Horizon

2011-02-24T12:17:00.000-05:00

We’re all used to the generic sports argument of, “On paper this is great, but games aren’t played on paper.” It’s redundant, I realize, but I’m opening with it because the NBA finds itself in a unique situation that flips that well-worn cliché on its head. Off paper, the league is flourishing. The league is flush with young, marketable, prodigious talent, along with marquee teams in major markets. And gone are the days of lazy, enigmatic, bad boy oriented stars. So what’s the issue then? Well, on paper, the league is a mess.

Despite the pomp and circumstance surrounding a successful All-Star weekend, all that glitters is not gold. Yes, we had young stars putting on the best dunk contest in years, to go along with an eventful Kobe/LeBron showdown in front of Hollywood’s biggest stars at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. However, behind the scenes the National Basketball Association has a myriad of issues that could potentially derail a league that, on the surface, looks perfectly healthy.

For one thing, the NBA’s current Collective Bargaining Agreement is so weak that it makes the NHL’s patchwork owner-player agreement look like the Declaration of Independence. And with that CBA set to expire at the end of the season, the threat of a lockout looms on the horizon, and it’s no paper tiger. Owners are losing a ton of money, the players have too much control, and the league’s talent pool is unevenly balanced to a remarkable extent. In the first four seasons of the league’s current CBA (2005-2009), the league lost $200 million dollars. And this season, reason estimates have the league losing around $400 million. Chump change by their standards right? Well not exactly. This is a billion dollar, worldwide brand, with a major marketing foothold in the Far East. Such losses should not happen.

Furthermore, recent sources have suggested that over half of the league’s teams are in dire financial straits. Once again, that shouldn’t be happening to a brand that, only a few days ago, was hosting lavish and unequivocally successful events for its fans and the biggest celebrities. In fact, the league has had such financial woes in some markets that Commissioner David Stern suggested earlier in the season that his office would be looking at the possibility of contraction: a word nearly forbidden by league commissioners worldwide.

Contraction, of course, would be a great idea. Every major professional sports league has a few teams and a few markets it could easily do without. But realistically, the odds of such an occurrence happening in the NBA are small, because most commissioners have an unexplainable proclivity for revenue sharing far past the point of common sense. So what can be done to alleviate the league’s financial troubles? This may just be the equivalent of patching up a leaky dam with a chewed piece of gum, but recent trade news has shown us that the player’s union wields far too much control.

Within the past two days, Carmelo Anthony and Deron Williams have both orchestrated their own trades from small markets – Denver and Utah - to major markets in New York. Both deals carry interesting subplots, Carmelo returns home to New York – where he grew up – while Williams joins forces with billionaire Russian owner Mikhail Prokhorov on the New Jersey Nets, who will soon be moving to Brooklyn. Both deals are great sports-loop fodder, and the talking heads are close to spontaneous combustion, but lost in the magnitude of these deals is the simple fact that these two players were still under contract to their original teams.

LeBron James stabbed Cleveland in the back on national television, but he was a free agent. The actual decision to leave Cleveland was acceptable, “The Decision” certainly wasn’t, but he was still on the open market. This is different, and it could be the sign of a troubling trend. Like it or not, if you sign a contract, you are indebted to your employer. The same goes for millionaire athletes. And for a league already in financial trouble, the mere fact that two players strong-armed their organizations into trades doesn’t bode well for next season. Such behavior just screams 2011-2012 NBA Lockout, and it’s a shame.

It’s hard to envision a scenario in which a lockout doesn’t occur because it’s no longer good business to be an NBA owner. The expiring CBA has allowed players to collude and tamper, while leaving owners and general managers in the dark. Add onto that ironclad, guaranteed contracts, and what you have is the inmate’s running the asylum. No disrespect is meant by such a moniker – and for a league finally free of an image issue that may come across as unfair – but I can think of no more fitting a metaphor. There’s a reason owners are owners, general managers are general managers, and players are players. They all have roles to play. And because the league has lost site of that, don’t be surprised if all three spend next season not on the hardwood, but at the bargaining table.

TradeCentre: A Satire

2011-02-11T16:09:00.004-05:00

Brian Burke isn’t done dealing, not by a long shot. Just days after shaking up the world sporting landscape with the trade of his fourth defensemen, sources close to TSN are reporting that the Maple Leafs have acquired a bag of pucks from the Detroit Red Wings for free.

TSN hockey insider Darren Dreger has filed this report from the scene down at the Air Canada Centre:

It’s pandemonium down here at Maple Leaf Square. On the one-year anniversary of the Dion Phaneuf trade, Brian Burke has made another move that is equally valuable. In acquiring this bag of pucks – 12 in total – he has significantly altered the future of this franchise. These pucks, which are housed in a disheveled old brown sack, will be used in practice and other hockey related activities. You’d have to think they’ll be shot at the goal and passed along the ice surface, but at this point that’s purely speculation. But speculation aside; what we now know for sure is that this Maple Leafs organization has more pucks than it did yesterday. For TSN.ca, I’m hockey insider Darren Dreger.

Not to be outdone, our wall-to-wall coverage includes fellow insider Bob McKenzie’s breakdown of the parameters of the deal:

On paper, this deal is the definition of a win-win for both teams. According to people inside the franchise, Detroit had a surplus of pucks because they are an actual hockey organization, so when Toronto came calling they just said, “Yeah sure whatever, take them. We literally could not care less.” Inside sources also tell us that the bag of pucks had been sitting out behind Joe Louis Arena next to a dumpster, and at one point a female raccoon got in there and gave birth to twins. But regardless, for the Leafs organization, this deal could serve as the catalyst for a last second playoff push. And in regards to the pucks themselves, the stats behind this deal are staggering. According to hockey blog Wikipedia:

The black rubber of the puck is made up of a mix of natural rubber, antioxidants, bonding materials and other chemicals to achieve a balance of hardness and resilience. This mixture is then turned in a machine with metal rollers, where workers add extra natural rubber, and ensure that the mixing is even. Samples are then put into a machine that analyzes if the rubber will harden at the right temperature. An automated apparatus, called a pultrusion machine, extrudes the rubber into long circular logs that are 3 inches (7.6 cm) in diameter and then cut into 1 inch (2.5 cm) thick pieces while still soft. These pre-forms are then manually put into moulds that are the exact size of a finished puck. There are up to 200 mould cavities per moulding palette, capable of producing up to 5,000 pucks per week. The moulds are then compressed. This compression may be done cold or with the moulds heated to 300 °F (150 °C) for 18 minutes, depending on the proprietary methods of the manufacturer. They come out hard and then are allowed to sit for 24 hours. Each puck is manually cleaned with a trimmer machine to remove excess rubber. The molding process adds a diamond cross-hatch texture around the edge of the puck for more friction between the stick and puck for better control and puck handling.

Those stats will certainly have Leafs fans chomping at the bit to see them out on the ice. But can they produce in the pressure packed Toronto marketplace? Only time will tell. For TSN.ca, I’m Bob McKenzie.

TSN.ca will keep tracking this story throughout the day, and make sure to stay tuned to TSN and TSN2 as we have 6 panels currently dissecting the deal. Also, as a programming note, don’t forget to tune into our new show That’s Hockey 2nite at 10pm, and keep an eye out for the debut of That’s Hockey 2morrow -- in which pundits will predict the scores and headlines for games that have not yet even occurred.

Smoke and Mirrors

2011-02-09T17:21:00.001-05:00

We’ve all seen the cover of Pink Floyd’s “The Dark Side of the Moon”, in which a prism is refracting light. Well, the modern media, if it had an album cover, would have something similar. The media prism will always distort and change the truth because of the human element. Even those champions of impartiality at the Associated Press have their reports processed by humans – even though at times it seems like they’re written by an omniscient super computer that could never tell a lie.

Why this relates directly to sport is because false truths are given power each day. Recently, 23-year-old Maple Leaf Phil Kessel came under fire for suggesting that his line combination wasn’t working properly. Instantaneously, the Toronto media cycle deduced that he wanted a trade, and that he was acting like a petulant child – while conveniently omitting that he beat testicular cancer in 2006. He also was jumped on because he suggested that an introverted kid in his young-20’s didn’t talk a whole lot with his hardnosed coach. Looking at the Toronto sports pages, you would have thought the Hindenburg crashed again, and TSN.ca’s front page may as well have just read “Oh the humanity!”

Oh the humanity is a fitting term because the nature of the business has becoming increasingly disingenuous. It’s not a coincidence that ex-Maple Leafs succeed in different markets, and anyone that tells you otherwise works for MLSE. Within an hour of today’s announcement that struggling Leafs defenseman Francois Beauchemin had been traded, instantly stories began popping up that lauded the incoming talent. Joffrey Lupul, a player who has never been healthy, has instantly been labeled a top-six forward that will provide great scoring depth. While young prospect Jake Gardiner, who’s still in college, has already been penciled in as a top-4 defenseman for the future. Really? Could we not have at least waited a day before jinxing it this time?

Phil Kessel is 23, he doesn’t play with a quality center, and he’ll still score 30 goals. How does that make him a stiff? Here’s a stiff for you, Mike Komisarek. He has a horrid contract, and at time his play on the ice resembles the Bismarck after its rudder was jammed by a torpedo; although the Bismarck still had functioning weapons so maybe he’s getting too much credit. Komisarek’s nickname really should be Commu-sarek, because when he’s on the ice “Leafs Nation” endures an equal sharing of misery; although we do so anyways. But instead of targeting him, the media has spun false stories about the only truly promising player in the Maple Leafs system. And some still wonder why Lord Stanley hasn’t graced us since ’67?

For a distinctly American example, let’s look at one Ben Roethlisberger. He is not a clutch quarterback, yet that moniker has been practically sown onto his jersey since his rookie year. “He just wins football games!” “He just gets it done, without the stats!” “He just wins Super Bowls!” Here’s a newsflash: in two of the three Super Bowls he has played in, he has had abysmal performances. And if not for his teammates, he wouldn’t have won two of them, let alone one. Football is a team sport, more so than any other. Yet for some reason clutch ability is solely attributed to him, and not his team. There is nothing even distinctly tangible that can back up the claim that he’s the best big game quarterback, because the field is full of other players playing the same game. He is not the only person out there, yet he’s treated like one by bloviating pundits.

These false perceptions are one of the reasons I began to write. Now of course the mainstream media is also full of tremendously talented people that I couldn’t hold a candle to, but the nature of the business is now more bombastic than ever. When he was chasing Babe Ruth’s home run record in 1961, Roger Maris was mislabeled as a disinterested, ungrateful, mid-western simpleton. Yet over time we all learned that simply wasn’t true. So why do we still fall into the same traps? Why do sensational stories with no facts still trick us? And more importantly, why do we still give our fellow man benefit of the doubt when the mistakes of the past perpetually shine as clear as day?

An Open Letter to the Green Bay Packers

2011-02-05T16:11:00.001-05:00

Dearest Packers,

You don’t know me, but I know you. And while those sound like the words of a stalker, at least hear me out. You need to win tomorrow. Redundant right? Wrong. Winning the Super Bowl is important, and it represents the pinnacle of achievement in football, but tomorrow carries with it a far greater weight than you can possibly imagine. In winning, you would save us from ourselves, and more specifically the endless onslaught of Pittsburgh related puff pieces. I already run hot and cold with the media, that’s why I started blogging after all, but if the Steelers win I just know the mainstream media will finally jump the shark.

If you thought the fickle nature of drive-by journalism was bad already, just wait ‘til you see how Ben Roethlisberger is treated after a third title. I can see it now: “Unburdened by two sexual assault allegations, Big Ben heroically proved all the doubters, and the legal system, wrong.” Or if James Harrison has a big game: “Despite being weighed down by NFL hypocrisy, James Harrison still led with his head, literally, as he concussed the Packers into submission.” Not pretty right? Well it has the ability to get worse, much worse.

On the short list of things contributing to society’s downfall, I rank bleeding-heart, personal interest stories near the top. And if you don’t sit Rodgers back in shotgun with four to five wide receiver sets, you’ll get a story like this: “Dan Jenkins finished up his twelfth can of Iron City beer, and looked longingly towards the bright lights of Heinz Field. And his hands, despite being shaky due to early stage arthritis – on account of being a steel worker – pointed almost whimsically towards Pittsburgh’s football mecca. ‘I know the game was played in Dallas,’ he said with his raspy voice, ‘but this team is always at home, in our hearts.’ He stopped and took a drag of his cigarette, which isn’t wise because he also has lung cancer from being a steel worker, and he began to speak again. ‘I’m going to let you in on a secret that not many reporter types know. Heinz Field may sound like it’s full of ketchup, but what it really is, is full of spirit.’ With that he passed away, his now still hand clutching his Terry Bradshaw jersey tight. And almost on cue, the wind picked up, as if it were carrying his spirit back home… back to Heinz Field.”

Horrifying schmaltz right? Well that was only to prepare you, dear Packers, for the worst. I’m talking of course about Brett Favre. Let’s just take a look at the ghost of Christmas future: “Aaron Rodgers threw for 500 yards and 5 TD’s, but when it mattered most, his defense couldn’t stop Big Ben. Why you ask? Well, because he’s not Brett Favre. If Brett Favre still played for the Packers he would have willed the defense to victory through his cult of personality. His beard, all grey and silver fox like, would have transfixed his opponents into buying jeans instead of making tackles. And his smooth, sweet, southern drawl would have made the Steelers remove their pads, kneel down, and worship at the Church of Brett. Rodgers is not Favre, and because of that, Green Bay goes home empty handed. Stats are just stats, Aaron. Brett knows that. And he would have thrown into the proverbial triple coverage of our hearts.”

So with that Green Bay, I ask you, no, I implore you: Please win. Spread out their defense, and don’t be afraid to abandon your lackluster running attack if it’s not working. If you don’t, we’re all doomed. Sentenced to a fate far worse than death: Modern media purgatory. Call me old fashioned, but Pittsburgh recession porn and undeserved redemption stories just don’t do it for me. So please, give it all you’ve got.

Waiting with bated breath,

An NFL fan who isn’t drinking the Kool-Aid.

A Farewell to Friday Night Lights

2011-02-04T19:19:00.001-05:00

Next Wednesday the series finale of Friday Night Lights will air on DIRECTV to little fanfare, which is too bad because it’s deserving of much more. Adapted from Buzz Bissinger’s award winning, and best selling non-fiction novel of the same name (and the subsequent movie released in 2004) the show has told five seasons worth of compelling drama. The story, which is based out of the fictional Dillon, Texas, focuses on an inspirational coach named Eric Taylor – deftly played by actor Kyle Chandler – and his wife Tammy. And through those aforementioned five seasons a rotating cast of players, parents, and boosters have surrounded them.

By going into specific plot details I wouldn’t be doing the story justice, because it’s far more than a local melodrama. The reason so many sport-themed shows and movies fail is because they struggle greatly to both identify and ground their characters amidst the pomp and circumstance surrounding big games. For every Hoosiers, there have been 50 middling, disjointed, feel good flicks about two-dimensional characters. What makes Friday Night Lights great is that it avoids those missteps. The show first and foremost is about the characters, and more specifically, life in Middle America. Every now and then you get the usual overly dramatic football scene – in which every game seems to end in a Hail Mary – but they actually work because the primary focus of the show is the characters and the story outside the lines.

The show has seen great critical success, but the ratings have never followed suit due to the unconventional subject matter. The story is about a father figure who molds young men beneath the crushing weight of football-rabid Texas, so it’s certainly not your basic CBS-type procedural. It has also, luckily, avoided the trap door that many football dramas have fallen into in the past. Due to the motivational qualities the sport of football possesses, so many stories surrounding the pigskin feel the need to end with a trophy being lifted. And while Friday Night Lights has included State Championships – and the finale will include one – that’s not the entire point of the narrative, because life goes on, and obstacles don’t stop appearing after the big game.

Movies like Rudy, however heartwarming, have done a disservice to young football fans because they have given them the notion that the entire point of their existence should be shaped around being carried off the field on their teammate’s shoulders. Friday Night Lights focuses on life after the fact. It showcases real life, real issues, and the struggle to come to grips with the inevitable equalizer known as time. It’s everything good storytelling should be, and yet it has been consistently overshadowed by the worst network television has to offer.

But that’s also what makes the show what it is, because – at the risk of sounding elitist – it speaks to a brighter audience. Quality storytelling isn’t afraid to break that mold. Shows like The Sopranos, The Wire, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, or Friday Night Lights don’t speak down to their audience; they speak up. And given how easily sporting portrayals on screen tend to miss that mark, by the end of next Wednesday evening this superb and heartfelt show will be missed. Ironically, what has made this show about football great is that it really hasn’t been about football at all. Hollywood, take note.

Those Tall, Virtual, Georgia Pines

2011-01-29T16:27:00.002-05:00

In 2006 I had the distinct pleasure of attending The Masters. Now, I’d like to say I deserved it, but I didn’t. The thanks certainly need to go to great parenting, as no self-absorbed, irrational, teenager can possibly be worthy of the hallowed grounds at Augusta National. It was every golf fan’s dream. Augusta seems to be the one place on earth that can reduce grown men into nostalgic, romantic, zombies. The spectators don’t just walk around the course; they seem to float, as if in a trance. And it’s entirely warranted. The tournament has always looked beautiful on television, and now more so than ever in the age of HDTV. But being there is entirely different.

It’s so pristine that you’d swear you could eat lunch off the first cut of rough, and the undulation of the course gives you sightlines you wouldn’t believe possible. The air is full of the sweet smell of pine and cigar smoke. Entering the course is like stepping into a time machine. And the golf isn’t too shabby either. Part of the mythos surrounding The Masters is owed to the exclusivity the event commands. However, that exclusivity has been both a blessing and a curse. It makes the event feel distinctly unique, but that lack of accessibility can be detrimental in regards to the event’s popularity with young people. I knew how lucky I was to be there on that Sunday in 2006. Not just because it’s “a tradition unlike any other”, but also because there was hardly anyone else my age present.

That’s not to say that’s a problem. Who really wants a course full of teenagers? But there has always been a distinct gap between the Augusta National club and the general public. The air of importance that surrounds the Masters can appear to keep it at arms length: as if it’s doing its best impersonation of a divided Korea, with the DMZ in between. However, in an exciting twist announced at the beginning of January, the nature of that relationship appears to be changing.

For the first time ever, Augusta National will be appearing in a video game. EA Sports has announced that the course will feature prominently in their annual PGA release. The game, which is entitled: “Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2012: The Masters”, will be released on March 29th. The surprising announcement came after a secret three-year development process that had the game developers working hand in hand with club officials. They have gone over every inch of the course with a fine-tooth comb – capturing every bunker, change of elevation, and Georgia pine. The game will even include Jim Nantz as an announcer; because let’s be honest, it’s not an authentic Sunday at Augusta unless Nantz is waxing-poetic in hushed tones.

It’s an exciting announcement whether you’re a fan of video games or not. As a young male in his 20’s, of course I was ecstatic when I heard this news. I’m directly in their target demographic, I drink Arnold Palmers while watching the tournament, I’ve actually been there, and I’ve been known to kill a few hours from time to time on my Xbox. But more importantly, this is great for the game of golf. The PGA has long struggled to engage young viewers; that’s no secret. This game has the ability to change all of that. It can connect past and present, while marketing golf’s version of The Sistine Chapel to young people far better than any aging golf pundit’s finest soliloquy.

Show of Strength

2011-01-25T16:14:00.001-05:00

As a casual viewer of the UFC, and a bigger fan of boxing, I can understand some of the stigmas associated with the rise of MMA’s popularity. And while I sympathize with some of the arguments, most of the claims against the sport are largely misguided. We’re really kidding ourselves if we consider it any more violent than boxing, although I do wholeheartedly agree with the general public’s aversion to gaudy, bedazzled, Affliction t-shirts. With that being said, I’m not here to argue about the validity of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, because I’m not an expert.

However, there’s one thing that has become abundantly clear in regards to the relationship between boxing and the mixed martial arts. And that is, the UFC’s growing traction and popularity is due in large part to the fact that its brand is focused, tight, and unified; the complete opposite of the modern boxing system.

On Saturday night, the UFC staged its second annual “Fight for the Troops” night. Broadcast live from Fort Hood, Texas, the event was attended by over 3,000 members of the American military, and the main card was broadcast live on Spike TV in the States, and on Rogers Sportsnet here in Canada. And while the fights were lively, it was the setting and the message that deserves the most credit. UFC and Spike TV put on the event to raise money for the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund; a charity that aids troops suffering from traumatic brain injuries. And throughout the telecast, messages from troops, celebrities, and UFC fighters were woven into the coverage to help raise money for the cause.

Early estimates indicate that the event brought in upwards of $5 million for the charity, and the TV ratings show that the event pulled in 2.5 million viewers – which is very high for a cable broadcasted sporting event, and that’s not including the online simulcast. It was a moving evening of television, and the UFC should be very proud of the show they put on. It was a tribute to America’s real heroes, not just the one’s idolized in the media, and they took consistent strides to get that message across. The event was almost subservient in nature, as fighters normally known for their bravado directed their pre-fight and post-fight interviews towards the men and women in uniform.

Such a successful event was made possible because the UFC has clear direction. Dana White, the President of the UFC, came over from boxing because he was disenchanted with the lack of unification. As we all know, organizations like the WBC are a mess. Professional boxing is spread thin with far too many classes and ranks, and that has led to widespread corruption. It appears at times that the only thing that can save boxing’s mainstream popularity is a Mayweather, Pacquiao super fight; and even then the two stars have shown varying levels of disinterest in regards to such a contest.

Saturday’s fight night further underscored the reason why the UFC is causing boxing’s bigwigs to sweat. UFC’s message is on point, and focused, while boxing’s is disjointed, jaded, and seemingly devoid of proper direction. Whether you like the UFC or not, their rise to prominence has been deserved. Once a niche offering, they still stick by such small business principles as running a tight ship, and refusing to paint in broad strokes. And when you add outstanding charity work to that formula, it certainly becomes harder to resent the rise of such an organization.

PGA Preview 2011

2011-01-24T16:04:00.000-05:00

The 2011 PGA Tour season is under way. This season promises to be interesting, with a wide-open field. Some of the most intriguing story lines will be: can any of the under 30s make a move, how will the 40+ 'establishment' fare, and of course, what does 2011 hold for Tiger Woods?

The up and comers on the Tour are many. By now, we've seen Martin Kaymer, Dustin Johnson and Rory McIlroy. While they all look promising, what will 2011 hold for them?

Martin Kaymer, last year's PGA Championship winner, has to be the favorite in this group. Kaymer, this week's champion in Abu Dhabi, is poised for a very strong year. He has a well rounded game and he has proven that he can hold up under pressure. That combination makes him a contender week in, week out.

Dustin Johnson definitely had the most heartbreaking season in 2010. His victories were overshadowed by his collapse at the U.S. Open, and an outrageous ruling made against him that cost him a spot in the PGA Championship playoff. However, the cool Southerner has already proven that he has the ability to bounce back, after his U.S. Open debacle. If he can limit his Sunday mistakes, and make a few putts this year, Johnson's "stupid long" distance makes him a contender wherever he plays.

After his dominant performance in the final round last year at Quail Hollow, it seemed as though nothing could stop Rory McIlroy. However, this season McIlroy decided not to continue as a member of the PGA Tour. Instead, McIlroy will remain on the European Tour, and participate in a few PGA events. His lack of desire to prove himself on the most talented Tour is a red flag. Additionally, his threat to take a pass on the Players Championship because he doesn't like the course is also worrisome. McIlroy is already a wonderful player - hopefully he doesn't waste his talent.

Of course, there are other young guns on the Tour, like Ricky Fowler, Camilo Villegas and Anthony Kim. All these talented players should ensure entertaining golf for years to come.

The 40+ crowd faces some serious competition this year. Ernie Els, Phil Mickelson, and Jim Furyk have all been atop leader boards for over a decade, and don't expect them to disappear anytime soon.

Last year a a resurgent and healthy Els got off to a hot start and contended at the U.S. Open. Ernie desperately wants one more Major, and he still has the smooth swing to win. His re-dedication to the game and his fitness leaves him with a few more years of top notch golf.

Phil had his shot at the number one ranking most of last season, but inconsistent play and injuries held him back. Mickelson has very little left to prove. The one accomplishment he most wants to achieve is a U.S. Open victory. If his health holds up, Mickelson can still win any week.

Jim Furyk, the winner of last year's FedEx Cup, is often overlooked. His remarkable accuracy and ball striking still make him a formidable force. Having won only a single Major, Furyk is looking to win a second in order to assure himself a spot in the World Golf Hall of Fame.

Of course, the player everyone is most curious about is Tiger Woods. After the worst season of his professional career, for the first time ever, there are serious questions surrounding his game. Woods says his mind is clear, and he is adjusting well to swing changes made with new coach Sean Foley. The question about Woods had always been when would he would break Jack Nicklaus' Major record of 18? Now, the question has become will Tiger break the record? If his play at the Chevron last December is any indication, we should see the Tiger we have grown accustom to this season. Woods makes his debut this weekend at the Farmers Insurance Open, played at Torrey Pines.

The 2011 PGA Tour season has a number of intriguing story lines, and is poised to be one of the more exciting seasons in memory.

"God Bless Us, Every One!"

2011-01-22T16:29:00.001-05:00

Unbeknownst to many, last night the city of Toronto had a collective religious experience. And those skeptical of miracles, should be no longer. In an instant, the immovable became movable, the sick became healthy, and water turned into wine. I’m referring, of course, to the Vernon Wells trade. Once the news broke, I could have sworn it was an elaborate practical joke. Sports Illustrated once called Wells’ contract the worst in professional sports, which somehow comes close to an understatement. It’s a contract so cumbersome that if it existed in 1912, it would have taken down the Titanic long before it reached the iceberg.

With 4 years and $86 million left on his deal, he was labeled as completely untradeable. That is, until the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim struck out badly on the free agent market. All the credit in the world needs to go to Blue Jays GM Alex Anthopoulos for picking up on this weakness. If he traded Wells away for nothing, and paid a team $40 million to take him, it still would have been a good deal for Toronto. Instead, in return he received Mike Napoli – a solid power hitter who feasts off lefties – and the Jays didn’t have to send any cash to Anaheim to sweeten the offer.

On Toronto’s end, today really should be labeled a citywide holiday. Wells was a slightly above average ballplayer, whose defensive prowess was negated by dwindling range. Some will lament the loss of his glove, but he’s actually considered a poor defender by the statistical analytics community. Offensively, Napoli is considered a better player. He hits for power, has a high walk rate, and he hits lefties very well – which is always a valuable commodity. And despite defensive shortcomings, Napoli is clearly still the better player.

For Anaheim, this deal reeks of desperation. They missed out on Carl Crawford and Adrian Beltre in the free agent market, so they had to do something to help out their middling offense, but this deal does more harm than good. Wells’ best offensive and defensive days are behind him. If he were to hit .240 with 20 home runs next season, that would be considered a solid season for him. That’s not worthy of $86 million dollars, nor is it worthy of even a quarter of that number. Based on name recognition this deal will be met with relative optimism in Anaheim for the time being, but soon it will be casting ominous grey storm clouds throughout the perpetually sunny Southern California skies. It’s bad business, plain and simple.

Now, in some respects Vernon Wells will be missed. He was a good clubhouse guy, a hard worker, and he’s the rare modern player to spend 10+ years with one team. But that’s where it ends. It’s not his fault that he signed such a mammoth contract, that onus falls on the embattled J.P. Ricciardi. No one turns down over $100 million dollars, unless they’re being offered $200 million dollars. And while it’s unfortunate that he was turned into a scapegoat the past few years, that’s the reality of the business. And I think we can all hastily agree that if someone were to offer you upwards of $100 million to take some grief from a floundering baseball market you’d sign on the dotted line without hesitation.

But the reality of the situation is that Wells just isn’t that good. Offensively, and defensively, he’s expendable. And that’s what makes Anaheim’s interest so staggering. They gave up the better player, while allowing Toronto to get rid of the constant elephant in the room (or centerfield) that was Wells’ contract. This deal now gives Toronto flexibility to resign its young core, while freeing up money to lock up Jose Bautista. This also grants them the ability to be a major player on the open market for years to come. It’s a stunning turn of events, and frankly one that’s hard to believe. He was untradeable, and his contract was killing the future of the franchise; yet now he’s gone. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.

Out of the Shadows at Last

2011-01-18T18:59:00.001-05:00

When Green Bay General Manager Ted Thompson made the switch to Aaron Rodgers in 2008, following Brett Favre’s short-lived retirement announcement, many viewed the move as a positive. It was evidently clear that Favre was playing on borrowed time. Despite his legend, greatness had a shelf life, and Favre’s performances had become increasingly erratic – and that’s saying something for a quarterback who even at the height of his popularity had a few brain cramps a game. However, the media’s love-in with Favre created a cult of personality around the ol’ gunslinger, and Thompson was vilified in many circles. He was threatened, heckled, and hounded by those who viewed Favre as an infallible icon, as opposed to the deeply flawed human being we now know today.

Three seasons later, Thompson now has reason to exhale. He knew he made the right decision at the time, but the mainstream media is only finally giving him the credit he deserves due to Rodgers’ recent outstanding performances. During Rodgers’ three-year tenure on the Green Bay sidelines rumors emerged of super human performances in practice, but such stories largely stayed in house. And the fact that he even fell to the Packers in the 2005 draft (24th overall) is a small miracle in and of itself. He was the best quarterback in that draft, bar none. Yet teams were scared off by his relative lack of size (6-2) and a supposed “big man on campus” attitude. Which is funny, because as the star quarterback at the beautiful University of California-Berkeley, which kid wouldn’t have had that attitude? “Not Brett Favre! ESPN reported that he rides a translucent unicorn to the stadium each Sunday that leaves rainbows in its wake.” Right, moving on.

Picking the low hanging fruit of Favre-truthers aside, it’s nice to finally see Thompson and Rodgers get the proper respect and admiration. Thompson has put together a team that is well coached and great on both sides of the ball. Green Bay’s defense finished the regular season as the second best defensive unit in football, ahead of the much-ballyhooed Jets and Ravens. On offense, despite losing impact players Ryan Grant and Jermichael Finley early on in the season, the passing game hasn’t missed a beat. Despite missing two games due to injury Rodgers still finished the season with 28 TD passes, and 4 rushing TD’s – to go along with just 11 INT’s.

Rodgers’ impact can’t just be measured in this season’s numbers however. He’s now put together three straight outstanding seasons to start his career, which defies the general learning curve of NFL QB’s. His time on the sidelines clearly did do him some good, but Brett Favre’s awful tendencies shouldn’t get too much credit. He clearly just has the goods. More over, as an underrated scrambler, he’s very much a dual threat. But what separates him from most agile quarterbacks is that he’s smart with the ball. Roethlisberger often evades the first tackle, only to be buried five yards deeper because he holds onto the ball far too long. Rodgers seems to shake off tackles only if a proper play is in the cards. The greats know when to abandon a play; just watch Manning or Brady throw one away or duck to the ground when nothing is available. Flawed QB’s panic and go for broke on each play. That isn’t Aaron Rodgers.

Given his exceedingly high level of play right now – solo performances statistically regarded as some of the best ever – the Packers should be considered the Super Bowl favorite going forward. The Ravens outplayed Pittsburgh, yet the Steelers benefited from some late blunders and questionable calls. The Jets’ offense has the ability to disappear at the drop of a hat, and it took a concentrated dose of late game luck for them to get out of the first round against a hobbled Indianapolis squad. And the Bears, while playing well, gave up far too many points to a Seattle squad that was largely considered the worst team in playoff history. Such competition bodes well for Green Bay, a team that is playing better offense and defense than anyone in football right now.

Rodgers can handle the burden of carrying his team to the Super Bowl because he emerged from his professional baptism by fire almost effortlessly. With just three seasons as a starter his career numbers are staggering (87 TD passes for just 32 INT’s, 13 rushing TD’s, and a 98.4 QB rating). Ted Thompson was right to choose him, and to handle the reins over to him when he did, because in actuality he’s already a better quarterback than Brett Favre ever was. Aaron Rodgers watched from the sidelines as a flawed, self-absorbed icon held on too long, and he endured the vitriol of misguided fans. He has been mislabeled, overlooked, and disregarded. But that’s fine, because all those things have made him what he is today: the best quarterback in the NFL.

The Blue and White Disease

2011-01-15T16:13:00.002-05:00

The following story is inspired by Max Brooks' novel "World War Z". The book's format is that of first person, anecdotal accounts, as told to an interviewer. Brooks' story focuses on the key survivors who braved, and survived, the worldwide spread of a Zombie plague. The following is my attempt to pay homage to that story, with a distinctly Toronto based take.

The outskirts of Toronto, Canada

(It has been five years since the outbreak of the “Blue and White Disease”, and while the city of Toronto lies in ruin, the infection has been successfully quarantined. My interview subject, Dr. William Dawkins of the Center for Disease Control leads me on a tour of the research center that sits just outside of the walled city; before guiding me into his laboratory that doubles as an office. He takes out two vials of blood: one just the regular red, the other a menacing looking mixture akin to septic sludge.)

What can you tell me about the initial outbreak?

I remember the day I got the call rather vividly. As a CDC employee, if you get a call late in the evening you know instantly that something is very wrong. So when I awoke to my phone ringing at 3:30 in the morning, I knew right away that I had to be on the move. My orders were to be at Dobbins Air Reserve Base just outside of Atlanta in 30 minutes, no questions asked. As a scientist I’m not exactly used to being around military personnel, so when I arrived at the base the level of controlled chaos overwhelmed me.

The tarmac was littered with hulking transport planes that were being filled with soldiers, armored vehicles, and my fellow scientists. My clearance pass was examined, and then I was hastily herded onboard one of the awaiting aircraft. The plane was littered with personnel from all walks of the American government, and once I was seated we were wheels up in less than a minute. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. Only 30 minutes ago I was dreaming about the Falcons winning the Super Bowl, and now I was rocketing through the sky, sitting next to men with assault rifles in full tactical gear. Around 20 minutes into the flight, a senior military official came over the loud speaker and gave us the bare bones of what the situation was. We were heading to Toronto, Canada, and the situation was dire. There had been at outbreak, but he wouldn’t elaborate any further. They had been in constant contact with the office of the Defense Minister of Canada, and military support was also required. That was all we were told. After that I fell asleep, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. I more than likely passed out after being floored by such a message, but that secret stays between you and me, you hear?

(I nod.)

When I awoke, I could feel the plane descending. I must have been out for quite sometime, but my initial concern over my deep state of unconsciousness was instantly pushed aside when I saw the Private in the window seat next to me jittering while peering out the window. While we were still a few thousand feet in the air, the view of the city was unmistakable. Toronto was in flames.

We touched down at Pearson International, and we were instantly greeted with a scene far more chaotic than the one in Atlanta. A makeshift base had been constructed just off of the runways, and all flights non-military related appeared to be grounded. We de-planed, and were instantly met by a wave of Canadian and American military officers. We were told that downtown had been overrun by some form of virus. Instantly I panicked and asked why we weren’t wearing HAZMAT suits to prevent the disease from spreading. It was then that a Canadian General pulled me aside firmly. He was a regal looking man, with a blonde, slightly greying moustache. But what stood out the most in regards to his appearance was the look in his eyes, and to this day they still haunt me. For a man whose whole career was built around professionalism, respect, and a commanding presence, his eyes looked empty.

“You don’t know, do you?” He said. “The disease… it isn’t airborne, nor is it transmitted by any traditional method. It… it appears to be passed along when a person is bitten, as crazy as that sounds.” It did sound crazy. But I could see in his eyes he was telling me the truth. I asked him if it was a form of rabies, but when he vehemently shook his head I quipped jokingly, “So what are you telling me General, that we’re dealing with Zombies here?” I was met with total silence, but it was accompanied by a knowing glance. Before I could pick my tongue up off the tarmac I was whisked into a helicopter along with fellow CDC scientists and a dozen troops that were armed to the teeth. Rattled, I shouted to the soldier sitting adjacent from me, “Where are we headed?” He checked the site on his M4 Carbine, and without looking up he replied, “Forward Operations Base Delta, we’re taking you to see Patient Zero at the point of origin.” “And where’s that?” I replied. He hesitated for a moment, relaxed his weapon, and looked up at me. “The Air Canada Centre.”

Tell me about the trip downtown to Maple Leaf Square and the Air Canada Centre, what was that like?

I remember very little about the helicopter ride itself. My nerves were fried, but I do remember touching down at the base. The area, this Maple Leaf Square, was very swanky indeed. But it was clear that it had been overrun. All around the 25-foot walls of the base, buildings were in shambles. The base was on high alert, with Canadian and American soldiers scrambling to firing positions on the walkway that lined the top of the base’s walls. I was escorted into a tent that doubled as an infirmary. But I could tell instantly it was no ordinary combat support hospital, because there was only one bed, and one patient. They called him Patient Zero.

What did they tell you about him?

Firstly, I’d be a lousy interviewee if I didn’t first describe how he looked, because that’s what instantly stood out to me. Sure, he wore the typical bedazzled t-shirt and skinny jeans that a 30-year-old in the midst of an identity crisis now wears, but it was his skin that was captivating. Besides the traces of worn-off bronzer, his skin had turned into a pale, unhealthy looking blue. His waxed eyebrows and cleverly styled faux-hawk couldn’t hide the fact that while he still looked like your unfortunately typical modern male, he was no longer human. His skin had also started to decay at a rapid rate, and the color in his eyes had all but vanished. He was gnashing his teeth and struggling wildly to be freed of the harnesses that bound him to his hospital bed. A team of doctors was working on him; taking blood and skin samples. One of them, the chief physician, pulled me aside to bring me up to speed.

“What are we dealing with here?” I asked. “Well,” he replied, “he’s the first, but sadly not the last. He was at the Leafs game this evening… and even worse… they won.” “What does that have to do with anything?” I replied. “Everything.” He shot back. He told me how that, even when a season is lost in Toronto, it’s never really gone. The team’s odds of making the playoffs were slim-to-none, but supposedly after a sloppy win over the Florida Panthers Patient Zero went haywire. He was liquored up beyond repair, and stumbled over to the swanky new Real Sports Bar that sits adjacent to the arena. It was there – surviving eyewitnesses report – that he started slurring to all the patrons that the Maple Leafs were going to win the Stanley Cup this year. At that very moment, his brain broke. Such a ludicrous statement, accompanied with all the alcohol, was too much for his system to handle. He collapsed dead to the horror of the sports bar crowd. An ambulance was called, and the paramedics attempted to revive him, but to no avail. The authorities on the scene were clearing the bar, when he reanimated.

I didn’t believe the story initially, and I scoffed at the notion that he could come back to life. But the chief physician’s tone, and the madness swirling outside the base’s walls indicated that this was in fact the truth. You see, when I say reanimated, I don’t mean that he came back to life in the traditional sense. By all accounts he was dead. A mindless, captain-less ship. But he started biting people, first the attending paramedics, then aloof patrons. The bite killed all of those he first got his teeth on rather quickly. The infection seems to flow through the body instantaneously, shutting down every major organ, including the brain. But then they come back.

They’d just gotten back MRI results on Patient Zero, and we stared at them in stunned silence. Everything that made a human, human, was no longer functioning. Not the heart, not the lungs, not the circulatory system, not the brain. Except, at the base of the neck, the brain stem was still intact. It had somehow reactivated, and it had turned him, and now the legions of infected outside our protected walls, into mindless, infected Zombies.

How long after your encounter with Patient Zero was the base evacuated? I know it was overrun soon after.

No more than 24 hours after I touched down. There were just too many infected in the area. Snipers and reinforced concrete walls can hold almost anything, but such a small base wasn’t built to suppress hundreds of thousands of undead. We knew we had to move, but we also had to recommend the unthinkable. By our accounts, it was incurable. The only way to avoid the “Blue and White Disease” was to not get bitten. No antidote was possible. So just before the base was overrun and we were evacuated by helicopter from Maple Leaf Square we put in a call to central command. The city had to be quarantined, or such an aimless affliction would spread. The “Blue and White Disease” was an incurable and hopeless affliction, and with that, the military constructed the giant barriers around the city that you see today.

And this all happened because of one Maple Leafs fan?

Yes, although I’m told that it in reality it could have been started by any Torontonian – not just our Patient Zero. Experts from before the outbreak tell me that the masses lived and died with each disappointing season, and even the most lackluster of wins could inspire false hope throughout the land. It was an incurable affliction, and a problem devoid of a solution. You know, when you come to think of it, that doesn’t sound particularly different from the disease at all.