Tennessee Jed

A much happier Jed

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 22:26:00 -0400

Y'all knew that eventually I would have to post something happier... well, here it is.

Wallowing long enough to be getting comfortable I have connected with someone. We just returned from a lengthy trip to the forgotten coast where we bonded over a near death experience fighting King Neptune in the after effects of a tropical storm. She takes very good care of me and I try to do the same for her. We are hoping to keep it as simple as possible as we have both led complicated lives.

Wish me luck as I continue to try and not make matters worse.

Connected disconnect

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Sat, 6 Aug 2011 12:50:00 -0400

There is this need to reach out and retreat all at the same time with me lately. It brings to mind the lyrics of a song a dear friend wrote... "I try and stay one step ahead of my ghost while I'm burning the bridges that I care about most".

While facing ghost last night I smacked my closest allies right square in the jaw emotionally speaking. Sorry, but not sorry. Connected, but not connected. The moon did come up like a neon lemon and my ghost caught up with me while I paused to feel the heat from the road.

Damn selfishness on my part is the only excuse I can offer. Pure old pride, the gateway to the other seven deadly ones got to me. In the haunting way things like that do... they are... they did.

Beg forgiveness while I bite the hand that feeds me? Yep, sounds about right for a self defeating dog on a long enough leash to get up to full speed before choking hard. Yep, thankful for that long lead, most of the time, the time just before the throat of emotion closes tight.

Trying hard to not make matters worse does not mean achievement at all. No, not at all, recon it is the trying that matters? The key to this blogs tagline "trying"... try and stay one step ahead of my ghost.

New Look for a New Life

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Sat, 21 May 2011 09:53:00 -0400

Trying a new look to hopefully not make matters worse.

Observation #: 1,000,001aka turning point

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Sun, 15 May 2011 22:10:00 -0400

As I look back at all the devastation I can clearly see the power play and war of wills that went on. I hope we both feel peace soon.

I had a conversation with a friend last night... a great conversation that helped me a lot. A conversation that gave "big picture oversight" to my situation. We spoke about vows, the ones you take in a marriage, the ones you should keep, but forget in your struggle to get what you need to survive. The details set aside are null and unimportant in this line of thought.

LOVE / HONOR / CHERISH

I was not cherishing her enough in her eyes, and she was not honoring me enough in my eyes, but the love was still there. The love is what made us crazy with the other two in terrible imbalance. The troublesome unforgivable acting out on both sides ended the marriage vows and it came from both sides progressively worsening until we reached some invisible point of no return. I regret not being able to see that pivotal point as much as she does.

Now we are in another war of wills, playing the court system game. A further and important point in our "big picture" conversation that sets aside the null details was the conclusion that trying to steal peace from someone never gives you any peace at all. And with that in mind, remembering that time is linear and unidirectional and any time spent being unhappy is time you will never get back.

Enough said for now. Wish me luck as I try to not make matters worse. There has been enough effort on both our sides to make matters worse and end the love part of that vow lately... it lays in three neatly broken pieces and we move on.

I guess I'll just go away

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Thu, 5 May 2011 04:08:00 -0400

I guess it will be easier on the majority if I just go away. I was one of the couples in that scene... now I can't seem to find my place in it anymore since she coupled with someone else in that same scene.

Kick my ass

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 02:02:00 -0400

All day today I tried to get someone to kick my ass because I am growing weary of doing it all myself. I still do not understand why she felt I did not love her. I know I was disappointed, discouraged and all kinds of dis-words with her for some crazy character quirks that were impossible to understand. Perhaps she was acting out some stuff in her head, but these things were just common "rules" we all must abide by. Now I have been blamed for things that were not about me at all... addiction, infidelity and outright fraud to everyone. I can't and won't help her work this out. I guess I am much better off, but my heart is still hers in a lot of ways.

Perhaps her boyfriend can help not make matters worse.

Stop thinking

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 04:36:00 -0400

I Just wish I could stop thinking about it. It is all the time.

Landslide

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 18:53:00 -0400

So... I physically and metaphorically hold her hair while she pukes for most of ten years and she just spits me out for infatuation when she feels better. Damn, damn and damn it. She took her love and took it down alright! Mirror in the sky, why do you hate my reflection?

So robbed, so hurt, so angry... this seems impossible.

This landslide sure made matters worse.

Go to the places

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 21:39:00 -0400

I don't want to go to the places where we were known because she still dwells there. Who wants to see their wife being all macked upon by men you considered at least respectful?

God damn it, so hard to not make matters worse.

Insight

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 08:44:00 -0400

In total I guess it matters very little about the details of who cheated on who, or who became the most put upon. The fact is that loss is loss on all sides. Nine years is a great investment in a spouse and a lot to toss out with the bath water. As in any game each move is a part of it, but random luck plays a role that no one can predict.

I miss having my wife. I miss the friendship. I miss sleeping next to a warm woman that means the world to me. As with any disease the symptoms are the hardest part to cope with, but not the cause.

I loved her very much, and she could not feel it. The reasons are symptomatic of a lifetime of pain and mistrust on every side. I hurt, but I will survive. She hurts, but she will survive. I hate that pain so much.

I can't see her anymore because the hurt is a blinder. I can't hear her anymore because the sound was so loud that ringing is all there is. I can't feel her anymore because I have blisters and callouses from the toil. I can't smell her now because the tears have my nose stopped hard up. I can't taste her skin because the bitter is the only thing on my tongue. She is gone, we are gone, us is gone... I am here trying to not make matters worse to little avail.

For the record.

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 04:10:00 -0400

Just so you know... I never sanctioned what went on with her and her "playing with the boys" plan to satisfy her selfish itch. Now I must prove my disapproval. She mortally wounded the beast and I put it out of it's misery. Goodbye my wife and friend of nine plus years.

Sorry, I am not strong, weak or whatever enough to be your friend anymore.

Blame it all on me since I pay all the bills and try and not make matters worse.

Reconcile, yer doin' it wrong

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 22:02:00 -0400

She keeps texting me saying, "Do you want to talk?". Why would I want to say the same things that she can't hear and have her say the same things I can't hear? Sometimes I say, "okay lets talk", and then she stands me up.

What the heck?! Stop that, just stop it! If it is a game please know that I can't play, because I do not feel playful. I feel threatened which is not at all play.

The only thing I can do is retreat in order to not make matters worse.

R-U-N-N-O-F-T

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 21:19:00 -0400

Well, it appears the second wife has gone too. Of course all the material loss is mine to bear as is only right as it was laid out a long long time before I got to these here parts. I am an angry kind of numb, numb if you leave me alone about it, and angry as hell if I talk about it.

I ponder how many times a man can start over before the world labels him a loser. I believe in sharing the burden of this dissolution, but I ain't buyin' that this was mostly my fault. This life cost me absolutely nothing and I can't lose anything that was not simply handed to me right from the start.

I place this text from a kind friend's house the same one who offered me shelter in another rough patch in my life eleven years ago. I am thankful to have his stability in the absence of parents on this earth in my life.

I'll keep trying to not make matters worse and I suggest everyone try and do the same.

A Place to Put it

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 19:55:00 -0400

You know how sometimes you just need to lay it down? You need some little place to stash a bit of grief. Weird summer, a place to put it seems like here is good enough.

My youngest elated then broke my heart, my middle gave life, my step freaked all the way out, my oldest stays in trouble. I fear I have reached some middle aged depression and in topography every direction is up hill when one is in a depression. I sleep well for an old man, and I still work hard enough to deserve it too.

I have been letting my hair grow this summer and I like having long hair because it suits my disposition. Now as fall starts so does my seasonal beard. I am pretending I look like the white man's version of Jesus Christ if he had turned out to be a sinner and grew old like me. The black sheep instead of being the sacrificial lamb.

You know I am still trying to not make matters worse, trying ain't doing though.

Jesse Ventura asking good questions

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 13:48:00 -0400

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 23:25:00 -0500

Still trying to not make matters worse

In Vain

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Mon, 25 May 2009 11:50:00 -0400

I find it funny when Christians complain that "In God We Trust" should remain on money and buildings surrounding our institutions. It is a blatant misuse of the Almighty's image and a direct violation of one of the big ten commandments. Money is especially disturbing since it is the biggest scam ever created. To use God's name in vain is not at all what we have been told it is. Do you think you are a nasty sinner when you stub your toe and exclaim "God damn it", is that vanity? Is selling a faulty product with God's name on it, or proclaiming you have a direct link to God and his wishes more like vanity?

Ponder this, if you will, it can't make matters any worse.

Built on punishment and crime

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 21:23:00 -0400

It occurs to me that everything in every city built is based on the position of "crime" and "punishment". Recently here in my scrappy little city on the Tennessee River a small group of Asians, who had several restaurants and an apartment house, were busted for immigration violations. I was reading the article and its comments on the local news channel when it occurred to me that the only reason these folks were busted was because they had built a small empire. There are thousands of illegal immigrants here who have nothing. Why bust them? Simply because there is no money in it.

Look at the recent local history in your city/town you will find similar trends where the "criminal" sects of your village built something that your "law enforcement" claimed as their own. It does not matter to me that this is a fact of business and society building, but it is good to know where things really dwell when we are casting stones. To throw morals around from a false doctrine seems to make matters worse as we view the graft taking place in a larger arena.

Childhood, vanish middle class

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Sun, 5 Apr 2009 18:04:00 -0400

I had a great childhood, my parents were gainfully employed up until my senior year then the "NEW WORLD" economy started to settle in as their jobs moved to Mexico back in 1982. When I say they were gainfully employed I mean they were working for a manufacturing firm that designed and built electronics right here in Tennessee, and they were paid a stable income with longevity bonuses with benefits such as health care and vacations.

Since they were long time employees they received long summer vacations some times as long as six weeks, in which I was a part of. We would set out to see America because fuel was cheap and time was long.

I ponder at times if that last glimmer of American prosperity was the last my eyes will see. I worry that my children will never see that kind of comfort. They have never seen a summer vacation of weeks on a road trip or an extended camping excursion with their parents. My kids parents divorced while they were fairly young and neither have they had a father that lived with them every day that they can remember. Their mom barley makes enough to clear each month and dad is the same and yet in separate homes they witness first hand struggles of parents not having resources to make the rent or anything easily. I don't think I considered money shortages as a young child. I remember doing things to make some cash that I could completely control at about 12 years old on, but there was never a problem with my folks chucking out the dough to send me on a field trip with school, paying my lunch card well in advance, buying me a class ring, or renting me a tux for the prom. My kids have to do without vacations, extra trips with school and even shortages in lunch monies.

I would like a little truth before I die. Was the implosion of our country caused by too many middle class people or was it the controlling few, hungry for too much too fast? I know it is far more complex than I am able to comprehend, but there must be some truth reveled to not make matters worse.

Fool of April

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Wed, 1 Apr 2009 18:42:00 -0400

I have found myself very uninterested in writing down my feelings. Moreover I have not cared about this "American Dream" in the way that I did my first forty years here. Therefore I feel my sharing may not meet the requirements I keep in my mission line to not make matters worse. I am about to spew my indifference and fail to fall within the boundaries of my blog.

You may remember how nearly two years ago I wrote of losing my home to the A.R.M. loan debacle. This scandal was happening to me when these things were unheard of, and folks just thought, oh well here is another loser whining about his stupid decisions. Now that it has been headline news a while and the government is giving people help who are about to lose a house or a business "too big to fail", I find my feelings on the matter apathetic, and the only emotion alive is bitterness.

As I know from my common mans dabbling into the psychological realm, disappointment comes from unmet expectations, so I expect nothing now. I have a dark craving to see this mess go into total collapse, every system down, burning houses for fire wood and way gone past the point of no return. Feelings on this are very difficult to shake as I have never seen a god damn bail out and all my punishments for being short on funds have only further made other people rich. It has all been a lie, a grift, a sham, a system designed to deceive built on real estate that is not real. I don't care to see this economic system heal if it is going to be the same type of amortized impossible-to-catch-debt. Rather my vision watches it burn into ashes. Rebirth from ash is the only hope, otherwise it is the same uncomfortable perceiving freedom, as money mongers rape your REAL efforts, with deceptive bank "products" and carefully languaged policies.

You are wondering what has happened to Jed the lovable fool? He is no longer lovable, he is a fool simmering into the stew of this melting pot and hoping matters boil dry. Don't let any of this worry you, because Jed only sees the obvious and never the future.

Code of Cake

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 10:43:00 -0500

I hate that I have not made time to Blog, read or write. It seems I have defeated my goal of not making matters worse. I always contend, life if you live it long enough, will make a hypocrite of you while you try and stand steady in the flow.

I am glad there was a peaceful transfer of power the other day, perhaps things will get better. Hope is a good thing no matter the odds.

My daughter and I pass these lyrics back and forth in text messages to remind us of the things we are not in control of. Join us in our secret code.

We are building a religion
We are building it bigger
We are widening the corridors
And adding more lanes

We are building a religion
A limited edition
We are now accepting callers
For these pendant key chains

To resist it is useless
It is useless to resist it
His cigarette is burning
But he never seems to ash

He is grooming his poodle
He is living comfort eagle
You can meet at his location
But you'd better come with cash

Now his hat is on backwards
He can show you his tattoos
He is in the music business
He is calling you "DUDE!"

Now today is tomorrow
And tomorrow today
And yesterday is weaving in and out

And the fluffy white lines
That the airplane leaves behind
Are drifting right in front
Of the waning of the moon

He is handling the money
He's serving the food
He knows about your party
He is calling you "DUDE!"

Now do you believe
In the one big sign
The double-wide shine
On the boot heels of your prime

Doesn't matter if you're skinny
Doesn't matter if you're fat
You can dress up like a sultan
In your onion head hat

We are building a religion
We are making a brand
We're the only ones to turn to
When your castles turn to sand

Take a bite of this apple
Mr. corporate events
Take a walk through the jungle
Of cardboard shanties and tents

Some people drink Pepsi
Some people drink Coke
The wacky morning DJ
Says democracy's a joke

He says now do you believe
In the one big song
He's now accepting callers
Who would like to sing along

He says, do you believe
In the one true edge
By fastening your safety belts
And stepping towards the ledge

He is handling the money
He is serving the food
He is now accepting callers
He is calling me "DUDE!"

Do you believe
In the one big sign
The double-wide shine
On the boot heels of your prime

There's no need to ask directions
If you ever lose your mind
We're behind you
We're behind you
And let us please remind you
We can send a car to find you
If you ever lose your way

We are building a religion

We are building it bigger

We are building

A religion

A limited

Edition

We are now accepting callers...
For these beautiful...
Pendant key chains

Atlas in Rags

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:11:00 -0500

You may remember this time of year gets me a little dark as the sun emulates me in its short quick path across the winter solstice sky. I know it is arrogant to feel like the sun is following my lead, but it does seem like I am the center of my universe inside this emotion. Please forgive or simply dismiss me as I ramble in a self-pitiful way. At the very least you can never say I was not honest in sharing myself with you as a writer and keeper of everything. Albeit too much too often I will not repent today.

When I study myself in as careful a way that anyone really can, I find the common denominator in all my bad dealing is me. It is difficult to have objectivity while being the center of the universe and my gravity affecting the path of my closest star. Nonetheless I blame nothing else exactly as I do myself.

I honestly feel better about my bankruptcy than ever before seeing that so many other people and entities have felt the gravity starved stomach rolling fall. Better, smarter and wiser people than I have come to join the company of misery loving lately, but be it wrong or right I am glad to have pulled them into my vacuum. Justice clearly has been made when I see how my darkness has spread to this globe and I made the world to fall from my back.

That is right, I did this, and I am proud and bitter concurrently to watch my things get dingy with my disregard to replace them. My bedclothes are threadbare, my towels full of holes and my clothing is worn and dated from my decision to pull things off course. The longer my rest the more weary my items, yet I have lost the urge to come back from my vacation.

Freedom is what they say it is when I scrounge for coins to buy life and watch others shop for useless things to brighten this otherwise dark time. Good luck, for I am all powerful obviously to have veered you into my foreclosure. Believe me when I say that I have held you as tight as I can, but you fell when I lost my footing on this slippery spinning universe.

Forgiveness is never expected or coveted because I know you have no choice the way that I do. You will be patting yourself on the back at how you pulled your own bootstraps up in recovery, and I will know who was the tug, because I needed them to suspend my rags.

It can't make matters worse to do a little creative writing.

Pomegranate NS08 phone

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 12:23:00 -0500

The Pomegranate NSO8 leaps way beyond any other device in history. The flash site is a bit lengthy to load but it is worth it. The masterminds behind this device have taken phone technology past the twenty second century to a place where no phone has ever gone before.

This phone's creator is not making matters worse with this dream device.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. All I want for Christmas this year is a little less grief, how about you?

Law, what an absurd joke sometimes

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 16:23:00 -0500

Zero tolerance is a way for people who get paid to hear a case, to get out of hearing a case and yet, still get paid. Let us all remember to always throw out the baby with the bathwater. Has zero tolerance kept anything from happening? The closest High School to me had a gun killing not too long ago, I guess it would have been worse if zero tolerance were not enacted...right?

Perhaps the lazy Judges, Lawyers and lawmakers will enact zero tolerance for civil cases soon and we can all wonder around making accusations and collecting checks for an easy living.

Please people, don't be calling my people and asking them to change my words or write letters apologizing in my name. If anyone can pick up a computer and write a letter in my pseudonym and get me removed from a RSS feed, then anything is possible on the wild-wild internets. Of which I am sure a special team of lawmakers are working on right now to suit their own agenda and financial backing.

If you are taking the word of any nut on the internet as anything other than their skewed opinion, then the problem is not with the writer. The problem may be in your own ability to not make matters worse in your individual thinking aptitude.

Shame on you, my Red State Tennesseans

noreply@blogger.com (Tennessee Jed) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 20:44:00 -0500

I am so ashamed sometimes for people of my own color and people in my own City.

Do you really think President-elect Obama is going to take all your guns with all the other daunting task at his hand? Sure, let the people starve while we haggle over rights about automatic rifles. You should really worry about getting habeas corpus back if you want rights free from undue accusation.

Do you really think your taxes are going to skyrocket? Where is your faith in your country's ability to equalize the tax burden? Give the new man a chance, hell even I did that in 2000 when "W" started.

You are calling this man a "Nigger" and you yourself have accomplished nothing to the degree that this man has. In reality you have a president-elect who may be the most educated, articulate and intelligent president your country will elect in your lifetime. I know he ain't no cowboy oil man or famous actor, but he is an expert on constitutional law. Don't you agree with the constitution? Do you really hate America, or is just "niggers" you hate?

I am really hopeful our newly elected president can start to undo the mess that has been created, because it can't make matters any worse to try something completely different.