TennZen: Enlightenment, Southern Style

Herbs: Lemon Balm

2011-07-11T22:35:00.000-04:00

As promised, here's a post to start telling you a little about some of the herbs I'm growing for medicinal purposes. I decided to start with one of my most favorites: Lemon balm.

Lemon balm (Melissa officinalis) is in the mint family. It has a square stem and opposite leaves just like regular mints. When you first see a lemon balm plant, you'll probably think that it is a mint. But rub a leaf and take a sniff - that delightful lemon fragrance is unmistakeable and unforgettable. In fact, I could grow lemon balm just for its scent alone, it's that nice. The leaves also have a lemony flavor with a minty undertone.

Lemon balm is easy to grow and doesn't really require any special attention. I have successfully grown lemon balm from seed and from transplanting a young plant that I purchased. It's a perennial and will come back year after year. It is a mint and will take over if you don't keep it controlled. I suggest planting it in a raised or contained bed. When it gets over a foot tall, cut it back to 4-5 inches tall to encourage bushing out. Here in East Tennessee, it is early July and I have already had 2 harvests from my lemon balm, and I'm about to cut it back again. You can dry the leaves or freeze them in ice cubes.

The fresh leaves make a wonderful addition to a green salad or a fruit salad. It's also fabulous to add to a glass of iced tea. For an extra special touch, you can freeze leaves in ice cubes and then use those ice cubes in your iced tea. In cooking, add some chopped leaves to a seafood dish or added to a light sauce over poached or baked chicken... basically in anything where you may have normally added a little bit of lemon.

As an herbal tea, lemon balm on its own is delightful with just a tiny bit of honey. Combine it with goldenrod and a little bit of catnip and it's amazing!

Besides lemon balm's culinary uses and pleasant fragrance, it also has medicinal value. It definitely deserves the "balm" part of its name.

Lemon balm is mildly sedative and relaxing, making it a good choice for a nighttime herbal tea, especially if you're battling insomnia. Additionally, because of its relaxing effects, it is frequently recommended for relief of anxiety and depression. I guess the best way to describe lemon balm is "pleasing." If you're troubled or stressed, turn to lemon balm for a soothing, calming way to relax.

It's also a good remedy for upset stomach, gassiness or indigestion, especially when accompanied by stress or anxiety. Lemon balm calms an upset stomach and relieves indigestion. Its action is mild enough for children and it has even been recommended as a remedy for babies with colic. As a vasodilator, it helps bring down high blood pressure, relieve migraine headaches and help bring down a fever.

Lemon balm also has antiviral properties and is an effective healer of cold sores which result from herpes simplex. You can either apply a lemon balm tea or an ointment of lemon balm to the sore.

With the combined sedative, antiviral and digestive-calming properties, lemon balm is an all-around "feel better" herb. Plus, it's an immunity-booster and a good choice for an addition to your arsenal of teas and remedies for cold and flu season.

For tea to drink, place either 1 tablespoon dried lemon balm leaves or 2 tablespoons fresh leaves in a cup of hot water. Cover and let steep 10 minutes before drinking to get the full benefit.

To make a topical ointment for cold sores, first you need to make an infused oil.

Gather a bunch of lemon balm and either dry them completely or let them wilt overnight. You don't want to use fresh leaves to make an oil because the water content is too high and could cause your oil to spoil quickly. I prefer to use completely dry herbs to make infused oils because I want them to last as long as possible.

Fill a clear glass jar with dried or wilted leaves (don't pack the jar, just loosely fill it). Cover the leaves with olive oil. Actually, you don't HAVE to use olive oil - you can use any vegetable oil such as sunflower, grapeseed, safflower or whatever you prefer, but olive oil is the most popular choice.

Cover the top of the jar with a cloth or some other material like a coffee filter or several thicknesses of paper towel. Secure the cloth or coffee filter over the top with a twist tie, rubber band or canning jar ring. The point is to let the oil breathe but not let any debris fall into the oil. Don't close the jar with a solid lid.

Let the jar sit in a sunny window for at least a week - two is better - for the oil to become infused with the herb. The herbs will soak up the oil, so you may have to add some more oil after a while, which is fine.

After the oil is infused, strain out the herbs and put them in your compost pile. You now have an infused oil which can be used as-is or used to make an ointment. Store your oil in a cool, dark place.

To make a basic ointment, heat 8 oz of infused oil together with 1 oz beeswax until the beeswax is melted. Pour into clean, dry jars (baby food jars and 1/4 oz canning jars work well), or small plastic containers. When cool, place lids on jars and store in a cool, dark place.

Lemon balm is a great starter plant for those who want to try their hands at growing medicine gardens. It's an herb that the whole family can enjoy. With the way it grows, you may end up sharing extra plants with friends in years to come.

Ball Blue Book - guide to preserving, 2011 edition: My review

2011-07-08T18:21:00.000-04:00

The Ball Blue Book for many years has been a much-trusted resource for canners of all levels of experience. In fact, the first version of the Ball Blue Book was published in 1909. It was the first canning book I ever had when I got started.

The other day I bought the latest edition of the Ball Blue Book. What follows is my personal review.

As far as the recipes go, the vast majority are still there. Notably (and disappointingly) missing are squash pickles, stew vegetables, roasted tomatillo-chipotle salsa, cranberry apple relish (a huge personal favorite of mine and a very popular holiday gift), freezer tomato ketchup, and fruit crisp dessert (from the dehydrator section).

The directions and layout of the book are basically the same as the past 10 years. All the instructions are easy to follow and make the canning process almost foolproof. (Let me offer myself as evidence of that. If I can do it, ANYBODY can do it!)

HOWEVER... (watch out, y'all, TennZen's fixing to go on a rampage)

I guess canning has become chic, or else Hearthmark, aka Jarden Home Brands, aka Ball Corporation is more concerned about the almighty dollar these days, because our beloved Blue Book has been turned into a glorified commercial for Ball products.

The marketing boys at Ball got sneaky and decided to "doctor" the recipes a little.

Let me show you an example.

Here are ingredients for a pickle recipe from the new edition:
cucumbers
sugar
Ball salt (listed as "canning salt" in previous editions)
vinegar
water
Ball Mixed Pickling Spice (listed as "mixed pickling spices" in previous editions)
Ball Pickle Crisp (optional) (not listed in previous editions)

If I were a novice and had never canned anything before in my life and had absolutely no idea about canning or pickling, I'd be scratching my head at ingredient #3. Ball salt? If I went to the canning supplies section of the store, I'd most likely see a jar of Ball canning salt. That's what the recipe is calling for. I would not know that there are other brands available or that I specifically needed to use canning salt. The ingredients just say Ball salt.

If I, the theoretical novice canner, took the time to read through the entire book and its instructions, I may have noticed the "Salt" paragraph in the "getting started" section that says

"Use a pure granulated salt for brined and fresh pack pickles. Pure granulated salt like Ball Salt for Pickling and Preserving does not contain iodine or non-caking additives that may cause pickles to darken or brine to become cloudy."

Then I'd know that I needed special salt for canning pickles and I might even be observant enough to notice that Ball isn't the only company that makes canning salt. Morton Salt also has a very good pickling and canning salt, for instance.

If I'm like a lot of people, though, I'll just go straight to the recipe and start from there. In that case, the Ball salt ingredient may be meaningless to me. I could either use Ball brand canning salt (score another sale for Ball Corp) or any old salt I may have on hand, which could yield unsatisfactory results.

I wish Ball would have clarified the recipe by listing the ingredient as "canning salt (such as Ball brand pickling salt)". I could live with that. Same with the pickling spice.

This isn't the worst example, though. They got downright ugly with the jelly (and if you're familiar with this blog, you know I take jelly seriously).

Ingredients for a jelly recipe, new edition:
3 c bottled grape juice, unsweetened
6 Tbsp Ball Classic Pectin (listed as 1 pkg powdered pectin, previously)
sugar

This example, in my opinion, is playing dirty. With the new recipe, it only gives the option of using Ball's new pectin, which is only sold in bulk jars. It would seem that Ball doesn't have the single-recipe boxes of powdered pectin anymore. There is not even a mention of substituting a box of any other pectin (like Sure Jell, Certo, or Jel-Ease) in the newest Blue Book. I take that back - there IS a "how to measure" chart near the back of the book that says how to measure the bulk pectin, but even it is misleading, only comparing the Ball bulk pectin to Ball packaged pectin. (Example: "6 tablespoons Ball RealFruit Classic Pectin = 1 (1.75 oz) package Ball original pectin")

Even the "Pectin" section of the "getting started" chapter introduction says:

"Use Ball RealFruit Pectin to make jams and jellies having a truer fruit flavor and perfect gel every time. Ball RealFruit Pectin is available in Classic, Liquid, Low and No-Sugar Needed, and Instant varieties. Each recipe in this guide will indicate the correct type and amount of pectin to use. Use only the type of pectin indicated in the recipe as they are not interchangeable."

The way that reads to me, the novice canner, is that no other pectin other than the Ball pectin will work to make these recipes.

I'm here to tell you now that it just ain't so.

Let me make this clear to all you current and potential jam and jelly makers:

HOW TO CONVERT BALL BULK PECTIN MEASUREMENTS TO OTHER PECTINS:

6 TBSP BALL CLASSIC PECTIN = 1 PKG ANY OTHER REGULAR PECTIN
1 POUCH BALL NEW LIQUID PECTIN = 1 POUCH ANY OTHER LIQUID PECTIN
3 TBSP BALL LOW/NO-SUGAR PECTIN = 1 PKG ANY OTHER LOW/NO-SUGAR PECTIN
5 TBSP BALL INSTANT PECTIN = 1 PKG ANY OTHER FREEZER JAM PECTIN

The only caveat: Do not try to substitute powdered pectin for liquid pectin, or vice versa. If a recipe calls for powdered pectin, you must use powdered pectin. If it calls for liquid pectin, you must use liquid pectin.

Pbbbllllttttthhhhh to you, Ball Corporation. (That's a raspberry, in case you missed it. Go make some jam with it!)

I understand that Ball and its various parent corporations are in the business to make money. I am not against making money. I am all for a free market. I'm a Libertarian, after all. I'm about as free as they come.

But, for crying out loud, Ball... don't go THIS crazy on us. I mean, you already practically own the market when it comes to canning jars and supplies. I have been many places where Ball jars and lids are the only options available. Those jars aren't cheap, either. Don't rub it in our noses and change your recipes in the Blue Book so radically as to exclude all other options.

This sort of thing - changing the recipes to constantly scream "Ball, Ball, Ball" all the time - is a big turn-off to me. As brand-specific as this new edition book is, I almost shouldn't have had to pay for it. It's basically an advertisement in disguise.

Maybe I'm being too much of a purist. Maybe I'm just set in my ways. Pardon my ranting.

If you need a good canning reference book, I recommend you go to the National Center of Home Food Preservation website and download their canning guide. It's bigger than the Blue Book. It's also FREE.

Exercise your own right to freedom of choice.

Mock Pineapple

2011-07-07T08:00:00.001-04:00

Up to my ears in zucchini, I've tried to find new ways to enjoy them and preserve them. Well, thanks to the good ol' National Center for Home Food Preservation, I found an unusual recipe and thought I'd give it a whirl.

It's for zucchini pineapple. Yes, you read that right: PINEAPPLE. You can use it just like regular canned pineapple. It tastes the same and has just about the same texture as pineapple chunks or crushed pineapple.

OR you can use it like zucchini in baking. Imagine zucchini bread made with zucchini pineapple. YUM!

Another plus - it looks really pretty in the jar. Holiday gift-giving ideas?

And lastly (my favorite reason), it is SO easy to make.

ZUCCHINI PINEAPPLE
4 quarts peeled, cubed zucchini or peeled, shredded zucchini - SEEDS REMOVED
46 OZ. canned/bottled unsweetened pineapple juice
1 1/2 cups bottled lemon juice
3 cups sugar

In a large saucepan, mix all ingredients and bring to a boil. Simmer 20 minutes.

Clean and sterilize 9 pint canning jars. Keep jars hot. Clean canning lids and rings. In a small pot of water, simmer the lids but DO NOT BOIL. Fill boiling water canner with water (enough to cover pint jars plus at least another inch of water), cover and bring to a boil.

Fill jars with hot mixture and cooking liquid, leaving 1/2 inch headspace. Remove any air bubbles by running a rubber spatula or bubble freer wand in the sides of the jar and gently pressing against the zucchini.

Wipe the rim of each jar with a clean, damp rag. Place the canning lid on the jar and screw on the canning ring to finger-tight. Place jars into the boiling water canner.

Place the lid on the canner and bring to a boil. As soon as the water starts boiling, set your timer to process the jars for 15 minutes (or as adjusted for your altitude).

After the processing time is complete, remove the lid and turn off the heat. Let the jars sit in the canner for 5 minutes, then remove the jars from the canner without tilting them. Let jars sit undisturbed on a towel for 24 hours.

After filling all my jars, I had some "pineapple" left over. Mr. Zen absolutely loves pineapple and he was really shaking his head at me when I started cooking this recipe. I let him taste some of the leftovers. Let's just say that he is a believer now!

This stuff is really delicious! Of course, you can tell that it's not TRUE pineapple because of the texture, but the taste is so good. In fact, it didn't have quite the harsh acidic bite that true pineapple has and didn't leave our tongues stinging afterward.

I can't wait until I get another "mess" of ripe zucchini so I can make some more.

Aloha, y'all!

Zucchini Pickles

2011-07-05T17:16:00.000-04:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks at Chez Zen. We went on a camping vacation and had a fantastic time. Mr. Zen and I also celebrated another wedding anniversary (that rascal spoiled me again). After that, it was time for another Independence Day fireworks extravaganza, in which all the assorted Zenlets enjoyed blowing up stuff. No fingers or toes were lost in the excitement.

During all that, the garden kept right on growing. I guess time and vines stop for no one. We're now being rewarded by some monster zucchini and tomatoes. This one is bigger than my hand. We haven't applied any extra fertilizer or Miracle-Gro or anything like that - we just planted the 'mater plants in their raised beds, weeded, mulched and watered. Nothing else. Wow!

The zucchini are growing like crazy, too. I don't have any pictures of the biggest ones, but they were as big as my forearm. I usually try not to let them get that big and prefer to pick them when they're around 5 inches long, right after the bloom has fallen off, but while we were away on our trip, the zukes just went out of control.

So, after using up some of our first harvest in fried zucchini, zucchini bread, in salads, grilled, and in pasta sauces, I sliced and grated a lot of it for freezing.

With the rest of it, I made pickles. You can substitute zucchini spears for cucumber spears in any quick dill pickle recipe. I wouldn't substitute them for cucumbers in a fermented recipe where you have to let the cucumbers sit in a crock for several days or weeks in a brine solution. I don't know how well that would work. But in a quick pickle recipe where you raw pack the spears in the jar, pour the hot pickling liquid over them and immediately process in a boiling water canner, you can substitute zucchini for cucumbers. They may not stay as crisp as cukes would, but the flavor is just as good. I haven't tried adding anything like Pickle Crisp to my zucchini pickles. If I make another batch later on, I may try it.

Here is a good dill zucchini pickle recipe:

ZUCCHINI DILL SPEARS
7 lbs zucchini (about 30 medium zucchini, each about 5 inches long)
1/3 cup canning salt
Ice water
2 tbsp minced garlic
2 tbsp dill seed
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 tbsp mustard seed
4 cups white vinegar
1 cup water

Wash and rinse zucchini. Cut off stem and blossom ends. Cut lengthwise into spears - yield about 12 cups of spears. Place spears in a large container and sprinkle with canning salt. Add ice water to completely cover the zucchini. Place a large plate upside down on top of the zucchini, then stand a quart jar filled with water on top of the plate to weigh it down and keep the zucchini completely submerged in the ice water. Let stand 2 hours.

Clean and sterilize 6 pint canning jars. Keep jars hot. Clean canning lids and rings. In a small pot of water, simmer the lids but DO NOT BOIL. Fill boiling water canner with water (enough to cover pint jars plus at least another inch of water), cover and bring to a boil.

In a small bowl, combine garlic and 1 tbsp dill seed. Set aside.

Combine sugar, mustard seed, 1 tbsp dill seed, vinegar and water in a large saucepan. Bring to a boil, stirring to dissolve sugar. Reduce heat and simmer 5 minutes.

Drain and rinse zucchini. Place spears in the hot pickling liquid and return to a boil. As soon as the liquid beings to boil, remove from heat.

Spoon 1 tsp of garlic/dill mixture into a canning jar. Pack zucchini into jar, leaving 1/2 inch headspace. Add pickling liquid to cover zucchini spears, leaving 1/2 inch headspace. Remove any air bubbles by running a rubber spatula or bubble freer wand in the sides of the jar and gently pressing against the zucchini.

Wipe the rim of each jar with a clean, damp rag. Place the canning lid on the jar and screw on the canning ring to finger-tight. Place jars into the boiling water canner.

Place the lid on the canner and bring to a boil. As soon as the water starts boiling, set your timer to process the jars for 10 minutes (or as adjusted for your altitude).

After the processing time is complete, remove the lid and turn off the heat. Let the jars set in the canner for 5 minutes, then remove the jars from the canner without tilting them. Let jars set undisturbed on a towel for 24 hours.

I also made some sweet sliced zucchini pickles, which turned out tasty!

HERB HUNTER - How to get started

2011-06-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

While there are a lot of edible plants out in the wild, there are also many medicinal plants. Those are the ones I'm talking about here.

Before you go out and just start pulling up weeks, plucking flowers, or peeling bark off of trees, there are some preliminary things you need to do first.

1. DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Invest in some good field guides for plants/wildflowers in your area. Read them and study them BEFORE you go out trying to collect. If you wait until you're out in the field to open up your guides, then that's too late.

Note that I said "guides" and not "guide." It's important to have several different reliable references in order to make a good comparison of pictures and descriptions to ensure that you have a positive identification of the plant. Among the guide

s I use are The Field Guide to Trees of North America and The Field Guide to Wildflowers of North America - both by the National Wildlife Federation. I also use the Peterson Guides - Guide to Edible Wild Plants and Guide to Medicinal Plants. You can find Peterson Guide

s specific to your region of the country. I also have the Department of the Army Guide to Edible Wild Plants, but I find it a little too generic in its descriptions, and it also has a lot of plants that are not found in North America. I do not recommend it as a reliable everyday reference.

It probably goes without saying, but you should also be sure to get a field guide that's specific to where you live. It

's no good for me, living in East Tennessee, to have a field guide for the north central plains region because the plants common to that area aren't the same as the ones growing where I live.

I do not recommend relying solely on what you find on the Internet about wild plants. There is a lot of misinformation online

. Please, double and triple check information you see online

2. FIELD RESEARCH. Get out in the field and start looking at plants. The ideal way would be to go with someone who is very knowledgeable about the plants in the area - a naturalist, forester, conservationalist, or county extension agent would be a good starting resource. If there is a park or nature area near you, be sure to participate in any wildflow

er walks or native plant introductions they might be conducting. Be sure you take notice of what can be found in each kind of environment. Carry notebooks and a camera with you and ask lots of questions.

If you don't have the luxury of a personal guide to introduce you to plants, I would recommend this next approach. Focus on one plant at a time. As you venture outside, find one plant that looks interesting to you. Photograph it, sketch it, take note of its characteristics - leaf structure, flower type, where it grows. Then hit your reference guides. Find something that matches your descriptions. Check it against another guide and then another. Check it again online (tr

y your state's department of environment and conservation, or the USDA plants database on their website). Go take another look at the plant with your field guides in hand and see if it's a match.

Once you've positively identified a plant, take a look at it again in different seasons. Note what the first sprouts look like in spring, what it looks like in flower, and again when it's bearing fruit or seed.

3. MORE HOMEWORK. Check your field guides again to make sure that the plant you're interested in isn't poisonous. Any field guide that is worth having should mention whether or not a plant is poisonous or may cause contact dermatitis. Check additional references about the medicinal value of a plant. One of my favorites is The Green Pharmacy by James A. Duke, PhD. Dr. Duke is also one of the authors of the Peterson Guide to Medicinal Plants that I have.

Be sure that the plant in question is something that you'd actually use and that would be worthwhile to collect. It may be a novelty to go out and collect staghorn sumac berries to make yourself some sumac lemonade, but having to go to all that trouble just to make one pitcher of something to drink as opposed to opening up the fridge to grab a bottle of lemon juice may cause you to think twice about it.

4. DON'T FORGET THE LEGAL STUFF. Check your state laws concerning gathering wild plants. Don't trespass on someone else's property. If you're on public lands, be sure you're not breaking any laws. Many places have laws against picking wildflowers or collecting wild plants on public lands. If you're in a state or national park, don't touch anything. Harvesting plants such as ginseng in the Smoky Mountains National Park, for instance, carries some stiff penalties. Don't try to harvest endangered or threatened species, no matter what the cost or how high the benefit.

5. BE SAFE. If you're going out into the wilderness, try not go to alone. Let others know of your whereabouts, where you're going and when you expect to return. Carry whatever preparedness/safety pack you need for your trek. If you'll be out in the woods and the weeds, wear protective clothing a

gainst bugs and snakes.

6. BE ETHICAL. Don't harvest all of a plant. Take only what you need and leave the rest. Be sure to leave enough for that plant population to survive. Don't leave a mess if you have to dig roots. Cover your tracks. Do your best to leave no trace. If you need bark, limit your harvest to downed trees and limbs, or outer branches that can be removed without major damage to the tree. Do not remove bark from the main trunk of a tree and risk killing it.

7. KEEP A RECORD OF YOUR FINDS. Start a field notebook of the plants you find, where you find them, when they are in bloom and when they bear fruit or seed. Note when you harvested them and what you used them for. Keep a record of how well the remedy worked for you. If you preserved the plant in some way (drying, freezing, making it into an ointment or other preparation), write down what you did and whether or not it was successful. In future seasons you can refer back to your notes and make your next hunting adventures that much more productive.

Hunting herbs isn't a "plug and play" operation by any means. It takes a lot of preparation and forethought. It takes patience and a lot of trial and error. It can be fun. It can also be frustrating. I've endured a lot of headaches, exhaustion, bug bites, and strains from my hunts. But the trouble is worth it to me.

Why all the herbs, TennZen?

2011-06-15T18:16:00.007-04:00

I've had a lot of questions about why I am growing so many different herbs these days, not all of which are culinary.

Well, there are a few reasons for it and they all have to do with wellness.

The current government fiasco with healthcare is one factor. The attempt of the US government to introduce universal health care is just a nightmare waiting to happen. Living in Tennessee, we already have the disaster that is TennCare and it isn't even a universal plan. With TennCare, there is so much fraud, waste, and abuse happening that it has basically bankrupted the system. What's funny is that cutting out government fraud, waste, and abuse is what was supposed to have paid for TennCare. But that's not what's happened. Instead, it's become a prime example of nanny-state politics, creating a bunch of people dependent on the government and enticing medical providers to inflate their costs or order a bunch of unnecessary extras to maximize their payout from the goverment (i.e., the taxpayers). To imagine this on a national scale scares the daylights out of me, especially because it looks like there'd be no way to opt out. If I can use herbs and natural remedies to stay well and avoid the healthcare system, then it would be my own little personal opposition to a government program that I don't support.

Pharmaceuticals are another factor. Nowadays, it seems we can't turn on the tv without seeing some commercial from the Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe saying that anybody who ever took the drug Nosensatol (No-sense-at-all) is entitled to compensation (via a class action lawsuit) because this wonder drug causes people to DIE. The government is more than happy to throw the book at some simple Amish farmer who wants to sell his raw milk, but not much seems to happen to Big Pharma when they're killing us. The less I support the pharmaceutical companies with my dollars, either voluntarily or through taxes, the better.

Part of the reason we have such deadly diseases these days is because we have overmedicated and oversanitized ourselves. Every time someone gets sick, we throw antibiotics at them, whether they really need them or not. And look at all the antibacterial products on the market these days. Even though plain old soap and water would have done just as good a job of cleaning, we have to have the most powerful, strongest chemicals out there. As a result, the bacteria and viruses have mutated to the point that some of them are now resistent to every remedy we have.

Another problem with some of the wonder drugs is that the scientists isolate the one chemical that seems to be effective against a certain disease and ignore everything else. Sure, you can extract all the vitamin C from an orange, but what about the other things contained within an orange that are beneficial? Which do you think is healthier, a pill or the orange? I'd rather try the whole, complete remedy instead of the single chemical - perhaps it's the whole remedy that does the real healing.

Yet another factor concerns self-sufficiency and, yes, survivalism. If the worst happens, or even just the pretty darn bad happens - not total economic collapse, mind you, but just regional or even personal - it isn't going to be feasible to get to a doctor every time one of us gets a sniffle. We are going to have to learn to heal ourselves. What better way to learn other than by just doing it?

It's also an exercise in Zen for me. I believe that we already possess the key to peaceful existence within ourselves and that all we have to do to find it is to look inward and wake up to the truth that is right here, right now. Satisfaction doesn't lie in possessions or material things and true peace is only achieved when one is fulfilled with what is already there. "To find happiness, look no further than your own backyard," so to speak. By taking advantage of the things that are locally and naturally available, I see it as an outward representation of the inward goal.

Lastly, the herbs are fun to grow and the plants are exciting to find in the wild. It reminds me so much of all the folk remedies my grandmother used when I was a child. I guess it's my way of holding on to a part of that. I'm a history buff and I smile when I read about an herbal remedy from Pliny. It's kind of inspiring to know that thousands of years ago, people were gathering these same kinds of plants and using them for the same remedies.

The best six doctors anywhere

And no one can deny it

Are sunshine, water, rest, and air

Exercise and diet.

These six will gladly you attend

If only you are willing.

Your mind they'll ease

Your will they'll mend

And charge you not a shilling.

- Nursery Rhyme

Whatever Happened to TennZen?

2011-06-10T19:04:00.003-04:00

A. She was abducted by a group of aliens who intercepted one of her radio transmissions and wanted to learn more about making jelly from purple hull peas.

B. She retreated into the mountain wilderness to spend a year in silence, pondering the meaning of life and the existence of the perfect bread recipe.

C. She was swallowed up by a rogue kudzu vine and was forced to hack her way out, bare-handed. She spent the following year in recovery, mumbling something about Roundup and dynamite.

D. None of the above.

The answer is... LIFE happened to TennZen. I went through a job change, made some new friends, tried my hand at some new interests, and expanded the garden.

I lived, loved, laughed and cried. Now I'm back to tell the tale.

The blog had to take a back seat for a while, then it just plain got away from me. I missed it like crazy, though. And I missed all of you.

One of my new friends (the self-styled "Prez") persuaded me to take up the virtual quill once again and get thee back to the blogosphere.

So, here I am. Back in the saddle again. (Thanks, Prez)

Life itself hasn't changed too much on Zen Mountain. Mr. Zen and I have a few more gray hairs, and Things 1 and 2 have grown.

We completely overhauled the garden and now have everything planted in raised beds. At first I was kind of a skeptic, but having seen how much easier it is to manage everything - from watering to weeding and everything in between - you can put me down as a believer. I'll post more about that later on. But we were inspired by Mel Bartholomew and his Square Foot Gardening method (though we have a lot more than just a few square feet in our garden).

I'll tell you what we have planted in the garden:
Potatoes (red and white)
Sweet potatoes
Green beans (including some scarlet runner beans, which I'm really excited about)
Tomatoes (several different varieties)
Cucumbers
Squash
Zucchini
Watermelon

I didn't bother with English peas, okra or purple hull peas this year, simply because I tried them in the past and the yield wasn't worth the space they take up in my garden.

Fruits:
Peach (the peach tree is very full of little peaches right now)
Blueberries
Blackberries
Raspberries
Strawberries
Grapes (including a wild grape)
Apple (though the tree did not bloom this year for some reason)

Herbs:
Chives
Yarrow
Catnip
Basil
Oregano
Thyme
Lemon thyme
Sage
Parsley (2 varieties)
Anise hyssop
Blue vervain
Lemon balm
Wormwood
Bee balm
Soapwort
Comfrey
Calendula
Feverfew
Roman chamomile
Lemon verbena
Citronella
Lavender (4 varieties)
Rosemary

I'll tell you more about all the herbs in upcoming posts as well.

I am very grateful to be back. It reminds me of Grandmother, when she'd say "come on in and set a while," coffee and a slice of her cake ready and waiting.

How to blow a child's mind with a radio

2009-10-20T08:27:00.005-04:00

Ever wanted to astound and amaze your kids? Well, here is a way to do it using something you probably already have - a radio.

What you need:
An AM/FM radio (your car radio would work fine)
Nighttime, or early morning before sunrise

Your kid should be used to listening to the local radio stations. They should be used to hearing the local station ID - you know, "you're listening to WZYX... Knoxville's POWER Rock station!" (I just made that up)

Anyway...

If you tune to the AM bands at night, you'll hear long-distance stations. (What we call "DX" in amateur radio. Well, not REAL DX, but farther away than the 50 or 60 miles you hear on the FM bands.)

Just tune in to a station and don't tell your kid anything. Just pretend like you're listening normally. Then, wait for the station ID. When that faraway city is mentioned - in the station ID or in a commercial - act surprised.

"Did that radio just say PHILADELPHIA? As in PENNSYLVANIA? Do you know how far away that is? There must be something wrong with the radio!"

Really play it up until your kid starts to notice it, too. Then, tune around the bands to see if you can hear any other far away stations. Make a game out of it.

If you do manage to hear some far away stations - there's nothing wrong with your radio. You're just experiencing the magic of radio wave propagation. At night, with the electromagnetic conditions in the ionosphere, certain radio waves can travel far, especially lower frequency radio waves, such as those in the AM bands.

To keep the "game" going, get a US map and start putting push pins in all the cities you've heard.

In years past, listeners used to send QSL reports (QSL is a radio code that means "verification" or "I confirm") to radio stations that they'd heard and the radio stations would send back QSL cards in acknowledgment.

In the early days of radio, stations were eager to know how well they were being heard. To encourage listeners to write in and report their reception, stations offered to send listeners souvenir cards and letters Soon listeners began to collect these QSLs from stations as avidly as many people collect sports cards today.

You can try to do this today, but many commercial AM stations don't send out QSL cards any more. And those that do may take a long time to send you a card back. If you don't mind waiting, it could be a lot of fun.

Here's a link to DXing.com - a website with lots of fantastic information about QSL cards - past and present.

And, who knows? Maybe this can get your child (and you) interested in more things, like amateur radio? If you have a son or daughter involved in scouting at all - especially Boy Scouts - you may notice that he or she can earn a radio or communications badge. For Boy Scouts, the radio badge is a rare one... but not difficult at all to earn, if you're active (or know someone who is active) in amateur radio.

Also, there is an annual event that coincides with Scout Jamboree... it's Jamboree on the Air. LOTS of fun and a neat way to communicate with scouts all over the world.

73 (that's radio code for "Best Regards") and good DX!

The ol' girl may be barely breathin', but the heart of TennZen is still beatin'

2009-10-19T17:33:00.003-04:00

Just an update, so y'all wouldn't think I fell off the face of the planet or went into hiding.

TennZen (the person, not the blog) is in SHTF mode. It is now time critical for me.

My company is shutting down its Tennessee division, though the thoughtful, benevolent powers that be are still feeding the worker bees a boatload of bull and telling them/us that the sun is shining while we ourselves are looking out the windows and witnessing the torrential downpour.

In other words, the death bell is beginning to toll for TZ's workplace.

I am frantically scattering my resumes everywhere and calling in old favors. Thankfully I've done a lot of networking over the past few years and have made some friends in key places. I have some good leads... but no big bites as of yet.

Stress level is through the roof. Morale of co-workers is in the crapper. I'm doing my best to tread water.

It would be nice to do the housewife thing, but I have to work because, well, because I have to work. I am the primary breadwinner for our household. Mr. Zen has a good job, but he doesn't make the money that I make. I pay the majority of the bills. I carry the insurance. I buy the groceries and such.

So now that I'm facing the possibility of losing my own job - no formal announcement of corporate shutdown, but I know it's coming - I can't help but go into a little bit of panic mode. Okay, a LOT of panic mode.

So, that's the status of things 'round here.

BUT, Tater has been active in the kitchen.

Last night, he cooked the entire meal. Here are his porcupine meatballs...

TATER'S PORCUPINE MEATBALLS
1 lb. ground beef
1 1/4 c. white rice
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can beef broth
1 tsp. seasoned salt
1 tsp. Italian seasoning
1 tsp. onion powder

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a large bowl, mix ground beef, 1/4 c. of rice, seasoned salt, Italian seasoning and onion powder. Mash it all together with your hands to incorporate everything well.

In a large baking pan, pour the remaining rice and spread it out evenly. Pour the beef broth over the rice and then pour in the tomatoes with their liquid. Spread out evenly.

Roll the beef mixture into golf ball sized balls and place in baking pan. Cover tightly with foil.

Bake for 1 hour and 15 minutes. Really good served over hot buttered egg noodles.

PS-
BIG congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Ranger Squirrel on their newest baby squirrel! She's a precious little thing!

Autumn snack mix

2009-10-05T22:06:00.003-04:00

Light blogging this week - I'm in Nashville this week kicking butts, er, training staff about some various legal requirements.

Despite the work, it also gives me a chance to visit Mama 'n 'em.

I have been introduced to Mama's new favorite autumn snack mix. This stuff is ADDICTIVE! It tastes just like a Pay Day candy bar and if I don't watch it, I'm gonna eat it all up!

AUTUMN SNACK MIX
1 bag candy corn
1 can mixed nuts

Put it all in a big bowl or a big ziploc bag. Shake it up to mix.

Try not to eat it all in one setting.

Have a great week, everyone!

Friday Perspective: Sunrise reminder

2009-10-02T09:23:00.003-04:00

This morning, I got to witness a breathtaking sunrise just as I was dropping Tater and Bud off at school. For 10 minutes, the sky was awash in fiery peach, pink, and orange. It was a marvelous sight to see.

It took my breath away.

Had I not taken my sons to school this morning... had I not kept to my routine, everyday schedule... I would have missed it.

It was a reminder to me to continue to strive toward being mindful and fully present at all times. There is joy to be found even in the seemingly mundane.

Once upon a time, I believed that I needed excitement and could only be truly happy living in a life full of changes and surprises.

I served in the Navy (not just a job, it's an adventure).
I held a multitude of jobs, from skydiving school to world-class hotel to golf resort.
I moved all over the country, never setting down roots for long. California to Florida and all points in between.
I made friends all over the world.
I climbed mountains, rappelled off cliffs, crossed the highest bridges and stood in the tallest city towers.
There was never a dull moment.

My days were full... but my life was empty.

I missed a lot during those years because I wasn't fully present. I was never satisfied, always seeking the next adventure.

This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. What he was doing. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things. - Yoda, "The Empire Strikes Back"

The sunrise this morning reminded me of all that. But it reminded me of other things, too.

I compared my life then to my life now.

It's true that I'm not going "a mile a minute" anymore. I no longer dance in the skies. I took the exit ramp off the fast lane.

But the more I have simplified things, the more I have begun to understand.

It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. - Dr. Seuss, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"

Those whose lives are most rewarding are those who have lived each moment as though it were priceless.

Each sunset -
Each sunrise -
Each bite of food -
Each step -
Each breath -

... priceless

Why fighting a revenue camera ticket in Tennessee is such an uphill battle

2009-09-30T08:41:00.006-04:00

(Note: These Tennessee traffic camera tickets are nearly watertight. If you enjoy these Big Brother revenue generators, be sure to thank your state senators and representatives who enacted them into law.)

Thursday, September 24th, was the first day for drivers to challenge citations issued since the red-light and speed cameras went on line in Oak Ridge.

Of the five people who challenged RedFlex Traffic -Systems camera violations in Oak Ridge City Court, four were found guilty of the traffic offense. The fifth person was given 10 days to file an affidavit naming the other person who was driving her car at the time of the alleged violation.

In each of the speeding cases, the defendants all had the same argument: "I don't know who was driving." The "it wasn't me" defense.

In the case that was continued 10 days for an affidavit, the judge gave the defendant 10 days to find out who was driving her car the day the ticket was issued. She had testified that several people had been driving her car because she had a vision issue. She said she had been going to doctors' visits two or three times a week during that period. He even asked her to go back and check her appointments on those days.

City Attorney Ken Krushenski stated that the law is clear when it comes to the registered owner's culpability. He said the registered owner has the opportunity to tell the court who was actually driving when the ticket was issued. He also said the traffic offense doesn't go on the driver's record.

It would behoove all Tennessee drivers, especially those who expect to travel through revenue camera towns - to familiarize themselves with a section of Tennessee Code Annotated.

Let me break it down for you.

Specifically:

TENNESSEE CODE ANNOTATED 55-8-198. Citations based on surveillance cameras. —
[with my comments]

(d) (1) Except as otherwise provided in this subsection (d), the registered owner of the motor vehicle shall be responsible for payment of any notice of violation or citation issued as the result of a traffic light monitoring system.
[If the vehicle is registered to you, then you're ultimately responsible for the ticket. This makes it legal for those RedFlex cameras to take pictures only of the vehicle's license plate and not the driver of the vehicle. Again, if the registration has your name on it, you're responsible for the ticket.]

(2) An owner of a vehicle shall not be responsible for the violation if, on or before the designated court date, the owner furnishes the court an affidavit stating the name and address of the person or entity that leased, rented or otherwise had care, custody or control of the motor vehicle at the time of the violation.
[You can't just say, "it wasn't me, Judge." You have to submit a sworn (under oath) affidavit to the court and tattle on who was driving... so that the court can ticket THAT person.

Don't take a sworn affidavit lightly. Lying under oath is a crime - called perjury - and it can carry penalties. Also, if you've committed perjury, that can be construed as an insult to the court and you could find yourself facing a contempt charge, too.

And claiming "I don't know who was driving" won't cut it, either. If you can't (or won't) tell, then YOU'RE responsible.]

(3) If a motor vehicle or its plates were stolen at the time of the alleged violation, the registered owner must provide an affidavit denying the owner was an operator and provide a certified copy of the police report reflecting such theft.
[Another situation of "put up or shut up." If you claim that your vehicle was stolen at the time, you have to not only submit a sworn (under oath) affidavit, you also have to present a certified copy of the police report showing that you had reported the car stolen at that time.]

(4) An affidavit alleging theft of a motor vehicle or its plates must be provided by the registered owner of a vehicle receiving a notice of violation within thirty (30) days of the mailing date of the notice of violation.
[And as an addendum to provision 3 above, you only have 30 days FROM THE DATE THE CITY MAILED THE ORIGINAL TICKET TO YOU to show the court that you had reported your car stolen.]

The State of Tennessee definitely had its ducks in a row when it codified these laws. I wouldn't call them completely watertight, but they're pretty dang close. So, don't put all the blame on the City of Oak Ridge or Knoxville or Chattanooga or wherever. The State of Tennessee did plenty to help out ol' RedFlex, too. Give a great big "thank you" to your state representatives who voted for this jewel, next time you've a mind to do so.

TN State Representatives - how they voted for this law **ALL Tennessee State Representatives of the 105th General Assembly voted in favor of this law - no Nay votes recorded**
TN State Senators - how they voted for this law **ALL Tennessee State Senators of the 105th General Assembly voted in favor of this law - no Nay votes recorded**

The law even survived a good constitutional challenge: Knoxville v. Brown

Mr. Brown argued that because he had no choice but to pay the red-light camera ticket and thereby admit guilt, or, if he was not driving, to inform on someone else who was, the system itself violated the due process and equal protection clauses of the Tennessee and U.S. constitutions.

In its opinion, the state Appellate Court at Knoxville noted that Tennessee lawmakers authorized cities to issue photo tickets as civil penalties (not criminal citations) that sidestep the most important protection provided by the state constitution under the criminal code - namely that the driver must be proved to have been the one who actually committed the crime.

The Court further noted that as long as the fine remained no more than $50, no jury trial would be available to the defendant. Next, because the city had a right to declare the owner of a vehicle automatically liable because of the 2008 Tennessee law regarding citations based on surveillance cameras, no due process protections applied.

"The city code merely permits the responsible vehicle owner to shift the responsibility for the violation to the actual driver of the vehicle in certain circumstances," the Court stated. "This does not mean that the owner of the vehicle was not in violation of the city code."

According to the Court, this was not a violation of due process because the city had to prove "every element of the case." In other words, the city had to prove that Brown owned the vehicle, and that the vehicle was photographed committing a violation on September 18, 2006. It did not have to prove Mr. Brown did anything wrong - his mere ownership of the vehicle constituted the civil crime. Moreover, the court found this arrangement did not violate the constitutional protections against self-incrimination because Brown did not need to admit guilt - he was automatically guilty.

The Court went even further than that, asserting that Knoxville's camera ticket ordinance does not make the driver of a vehicle liable. Instead, according to the Court, the owner of the vehicle is responsible for a red light violation, regardless of who was actually driving the vehicle at the time. The fact that state law allows the registered owner to submit an affidavit as to who was driving is merely a measure of courtesy - it's still within the city's right to go after the registered owner.

In short, I don't know of any easy way to get out of a Tennessee revenue camera ticket, unless somebody is able to successfully challenge the constitutionality of such a thing. That will be a tough fight because these tickets are civil matters, not criminal, and they involve a small fee. As far as the constitution is concerned, they're pretty much "under the radar." (Pardon the pun)

If you get slapped with one of these, good luck. From where I stand, it looks like a losing battle.

Happy (Blog) Birthday to The Humble Libertarian!

2009-09-29T09:18:00.004-04:00

1

A blog that I admire and enjoy is The Humble Libertarian (or THL, as we followers fondly call it).

Over the past year, it has been a great pleasure reading and learning from THL. The blog's author is a bright and passionate young man on a mission not only to educate, but to learn from others. He and I have had some interesting and refreshing debates, and I look forward to more!

In honor of THL's first birthday, the blog is having a GIVEWAY! And what could say "Libertarian" more than something free. I love it!

Go there, now. And not just for the giveaway. Go there to learn something. Go there to think. Go there to engage in respectful debate, not blind mudslinging. Go there and really open your eyes.

Wes, on your birthday announcement post, you said "thank you" to us. Well, it's we who should be thanking you. You've turned The Humble Libertarian into more than just another political blog. You've created a true resource for people who are searching for real solutions instead of just having to choose between the lesser of two evils. You challenge us, but with intelligent, rational, RESPECTFUL discussion - not with inflammatory words and a fist raised in anger.

I am proud to have gotten to know you over the past year, to have seen your work blossom from its infancy. And I anticipate more greatness from you in the future.

Happy First Birthday, Humble Libertarian!

Time flies when you're fighting fires

2009-09-29T08:06:00.003-04:00

No, not real fires. Just virtual office fires.

The proverbial ca-ca hit the proverbial fan at my workplace. Thus, my absence from the blogosphere as of late.

The managing partner quit and took about half of the clerks with him.

We have a boatload of upcoming court dates and nobody knows where key files are located.

None of the remaining office clerks have been cross-trained and every one of them refuses to do certain tasks (post-judgment execution, appeals processing, docket preparation, etc.).

I'm juggling cases in Sessions, Circuit, and Chancery, plus dealing with client issues.

In other words, we're all having a grand ol' time here at Shangri-La.

Yeah. Shangri-LOL is more like it.

If there was ever a legal Hell, this has got to be pretty dang close to it.

Calgon, take me awaaaaaaaaaaaaaay (before the men in the Great White Coats beat you to it)!

Zucchini Madness

2009-09-21T09:20:00.004-04:00

Garden update:
We have very few tomatoes hanging on to life. With all the dampness, the late blight hit the tomatoes hard.
Yellow squash is about finished, though we still manage to pick one or two every other day.
Late-planted zucchini is doing very well
Late-planted cucumbers are dying off. The vines are rotting from all the moisture we're receiving
Purple hull peas are still producing, but a few of the pods are turning mushy because of excess rain
Sweet peppers are still growing and producing like crazy
Late-planted green beans (Tendergreen variety) are producing well, but the beans inside are larger than I expected.
Okra is still producing and there are quite a few blooms on the plants
Potatoes have been left in the ground for storage. They are still fine

We have zucchini by the boatload! We grew it in a raised bed filled with straight mushroom compost. The plants grew very well - no bug or weed problems. The zucchini are pretty and green. Their flavor is wonderful.

One of my absolute favorite things to do with zucchini is to make zucchini bread. It's very easy to make and it freezes well. Just cool the loaf completely, wrap well in foil or in a freezer bag, and freeze. Make plenty now to have in time for the winter holidays!

ZUCCHINI BREAD (makes 2 loaves - enjoy one now and freeze the other for later)
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. baking powder
3 tsp. ground cinnamon
3 eggs
1 cup vegetable oil
2 1/4 cups sugar
3 tsp. vanilla
2 cups grated zucchini
1 cup chopped nuts (I use pecans) - optional

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Grease 2 loaf pans.

Mix flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, and cinnamon together in a bowl.

Beat eggs, oil, vanilla, and sugar together in another large bowl. Add dry ingredients to the wet mixture and beat well. Stir in zucchini and nuts until well combined. Pour batter into prepared pans.

Bake for 60 minutes, or until toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool in pan on rack for 20 minutes. Remove bread from pan and cool completely.

This bread is wonderful for breakfast, coffee cake, or dessert.

For a more savory dish with an Italian flair, try:

ZUCCHINI AND POTATOES
5 medium zucchini, sliced thick
2 medium potatoes, peeled and sliced
1 clove garlic, minced
1/2 c. chopped green onions
1/2 teaspoon basil
2 tbsp. olive oil
2 medium tomatoes, chopped
Salt

In a large skillet, heat oil. Saute onions, garlic, and basil. Add zucchini, potatoes, and tomatoes. Stir and cook until vegetables are tender (about 20 minutes). Sprinkle with salt.

If you have a dehydrator, you can make your own veggie chips. Zucchini make great veggie chips. Just sprinkle with a little seasoned salt and serve with your favorite dip or even hummus.

ZUCCHINI CHIPS
Slice zucchini thin (about 1/8 inch)
Place in dehydrator at 125 degrees and dry until brittle.

Or, you can slice the zucchini thick (about 1/4 inch) and dehydrate until brittle. Use these slices in soups and stews. Add to pasta sauces or casseroles.

You can also fry zucchini, just like you'd fry green tomatoes or squash.

FRIED ZUCCHINI
Zucchini, sliced
corn meal mix
seasoned salt
oil

Heat an inch of oil in a skillet over medium heat. Season corn meal mix with seasoned salt to taste. Dredge zucchini slices in seasoned corn meal mix. Fry slices in oil until golden brown. Try not to eat all these by yourself!

Kroger Challenge: Update through 9/20

2009-09-21T09:06:00.002-04:00

For those of you keeping up with the Kroger Challenge:

On my return trip from Nashville, I stopped in Cookeville for a refuel and used more fuel rewards points.
Purchased: 11.716 gals.
Price after discount: $2.219/gal.
Savings: .10/gal.
Total spent: $26.00
Total saved: $1.17
% saved: 4.5%

Grocery trip, 9/19
Price before savings ("actual retail price"): $108.10
Price after savings ("out of pocket" - tax not included): $61.70
Dollar amount saved: $46.40
% Saved: 42%

Accumulated Kroger Challenge savings: $154.80

35 birthdays

2009-09-18T11:17:00.002-04:00

Today's my birthday, number 35.

It's a struggle today to be mindful and fully present because for the past couple of days, the world has started to crumble around me. But I continue to grit my teeth, choke down the emotions, and dig in.

I could make a list of things I want to do... but I think that would be counter-productive. I think that would only end up as a list of "maybe next year" ambitions that do nothing but remind me that I'm not doing them.

Instead, I've made a list of things that I have done, which I won't list here. There's no need.

I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets - I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course...
Each careful step along the byway -
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew,
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill, my share of losing.
And now as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think - I did all that!
And, may I say, not in a shy way.
No. Oh no, not me.
I did it my way.

To think, "I did all that," and I didn't do anything in a shy manner. I needed a reminder of that today.

I wish there was a present that I could give to the world. I'm not talking about some lofty, grandiose legacy or anything like that. I'd just love to give a simple anonymous gift.

I'd love to give the world - each person in it - five minutes of emptiness. True, real, peaceful emptiness - without emotion, without baggage, without clutter. I think some people have never really experienced it, and if they did, a lot of things might change.

Happy Constitution Day - The U.S.'s REAL birthday

2009-09-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

222 years ago, on September 17th, 1787, the Constitution of the United States was adopted by the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia. After it was later ratified by the states, the US Constitution became the supreme law of the land. Our government was officially formed and the United States of America, as we know it, was born.

Our Constitution holds the distinction of being the oldest working constitution in the world today. The runner-up is Norway, whose present constitution was adopted in 1815. (Some argue that Greece's Mega Ritra of Hios - from the 8th century - is the oldest, but it's not their supreme law.)

The US Constitution is also the shortest working constitution in the world, having only 4400 words.

Do you know how each part of the Constitution works - what each Article does?

The Preamble (which, of course, we all remember from history and government class, right?) sets forth the "why" of the Constitution. In today's terms, we might call it a "mission statement." It has no legal force, however. In other words, you can't present a defense in court claiming that your Constitutional rights under the Preamble have been violated.

The Preamble states:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Brief. Direct. Powerful. I wish I'd been a fly on the wall at the Constitutional Convention.

The "meat and potatoes" of the Constitution goes on to set up the structure of our federal government. This framework is still in action today.

Article I sets up the legislative branch... our congress. It splits the legislative body into 2 houses: the Senate and the House of Representatives. It then goes on to tell what specific powers the legislature has, as well as list its limitations. It also puts a few limits on the individual states, so that they can't overstep federal authority when it comes to things like printing their own money or declaring war.

Article II establishes the executive branch... the presidency. It tells how the president is to be elected, sets forth the president's powers and limitations. It also spells out the impeachment process - how to remove a president from power.

Article III outlines the judicial branch... the court system. It tells about judicial powers and limitations. It explains what kinds of cases the federal courts may hear. It guarantees trial by jury for criminal cases. It also defines the crime of treason in no uncertain terms.

Article IV describes the relationship between the states and the federal government, as well as the states amongst themselves.

Article V explains how to make changes to the Constitution - through amendments.

Article VI contains the Supremacy Clause, which declares the Constitution to be the supreme law of the land. It mandates that all federal officer, judges, and officials take oaths or affirmations in support of the Constitution. It also states that "no religious test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States".

Article VII sets forth the process of ratifying the Constitution.

4400 words. Seven articles. Twenty-seven amendments. 222 years.

Say what you will about our government, but the original framework still stands. It still works.

You can read it here. You might be surprised. You might gain a new understanding of "the system."

Kroger Challenge: Road trip - saving on gas?

2009-09-16T21:03:00.005-04:00

Technically, this is supposed to be a grocery challenge, but a crisis came up with my work and I had to high-tail it to our Nashville office to put out some major fires.

So, how does the Kroger challenge fit in to this?

Some Kroger stores also have gas stations, er, fuel centers. By shopping at Kroger, you can earn discounts on fuel. Here's how:

Fill 2 prescriptions or more at your local pharmacy and receive $.10 cents off your fuel purchase.
Spend $50 or more on gift cards and receive $.10 cents off your fuel purchase.
Spend $100 or more on groceries and receive $.10 cents off your fuel purchase.

AND these points will accumulate. If you spend $200, then you get 10 cents off 2 fuel purchases, for example. To get the discount, you have to swipe your Kroger Plus Card.

As I mentioned above, I'm in Nashville for a couple of days. Not a bad drive, but it does require a fuel stop.

Wouldn't you know it, there's a Kroger fuel center almost exactly halfway between - in Cookeville. I decided to take advantage of the savings.

All along the interstate, from Oak Ridge to Nashville, I kept my eye on the gas prices. They were between $2.289 and $2.369. The regular price at Cookeville Kroger, before discount was $2.329. After discount, it was $2.229. That's 6 cents per gallon cheaper than any of the other gas stations I saw along the way, including usually reasonable places like Pilot, Raceway, Love's and Flying J.

I bought 9.422 gallons ($21.00) worth of gas, which saved me 94 cents, or about 4.5% off. Yes, I paid with my gift card.

It was the equivalent of getting a $1 off coupon for gas. When was the last time you saw a gasoline coupon?

Accumulated Kroger savings: $107.23

Kroger Challenge: Ground rules and 1st shopping trip

2009-09-15T08:07:00.006-04:00

Last night, I kicked off the Kroger Challenge - to see how far I can make $1000 go.

But I'm not doing this frivolously. I'm not just going out and buying a bunch of things I don't need just because they're on sale or would be free after coupons. To me, that would be wasteful. I don't need diapers or 15 packs of Zyrtec. So, I decided to lay down a few ground rules for this challenge:

Only buy things that we would eat or use. For instance, there are certain brands of laundry detergent to which I am allergic. Even if there's a killer sale going on and Kroger is giving the stuff away, I'm not going to buy it.
Don't limit this to "coupons only" shopping. I'm trying to present a realistic picture. If I need milk or bread or anything else, I'll buy it - even if I don't have a coupon.
Stocking up on good sales is allowed. Because that's how I normally shop, anyway. If there is a really good sale on something that I'd normally use and I'm able to store it and have room for it in the shopping budget, then I do stock up on things.
No frivolous buying just because I have a gift card. You aren't going to see me buying expensive lobster or gourmet deli or bakery items. No need to use this as a reason to splurge.

So, with coupons in hand and rules in mind, I headed out to Kroger (or kro-zhay, as I call it).

I was out, or almost out, of several things, so I filled up a cart.

Price before savings (as Bob Barker would have said, "actual retail price"): $220.07
Price after savings (what I call "out of pocket" - tax not included): $113.84
Dollar amount saved: $106.23 (48%)

For those of you playing along at home, we just DOUBLED our money. In effect, I walked into the grocery store, filled up a cart and said, "I'm only going to pay HALF PRICE today." I got $220 worth of stuff for only $114.

The breakdown (i.e., what I bought):

Non-coupon items (things for which I didn't have a coupon):
Fresh chicken legs (Sale .99/lb., reg. 1.20/lb.)
Pork chops (Sale 1.99/lb., reg. 3.19/lb.)
Fresh chicken thighs (Sale .99/lb., reg. 1.20/lb.)
Whole fryer chicken (Sale .79/lb., reg. .88/lb.)
Smithfield bacon (Sale BOGO [buy one, get one free], reg. 4.77) - bought 2
Kroger creamy peanut butter (reg. 1.89) - bought 2
Kroger freezer bags (Sale 2.89., reg. 3.29)
Green Giant canned peas (Sale .59, reg. 1.05) - EXCELLENT unadvertised sale - bought 4
Green Giant canned corn (Sale .59, reg 1.05) - bought 6
Green Giant canned green beans (Sale .59, reg. 1.05) - bought 6
1% milk (Sale 2.38, reg. 2.87) - bought 2
Large eggs, 18 ct. (reg. 1.65)
Frito-Lay snack pack chips (reg. 6.39)
Kroger bread (reg. .78) - bought 4 (I buy bread and freeze for kids' sandwiches and such)

Coupon items (things for which I had a coupon):
DiGiorno Pizza (Sale 4.47, reg. 7.49) (Add'l .50 off w/ Kroger Mega Sale; + 2 Qs ("coupons") for $1 off) Final price: $2.97 - bought 2
Nestle Toll House refrigerated cookie dough (Sale 2.49, reg. 2.55) (Add'l .50 off w/ Kroger Mega Sale; + 3 Qs for $1 off) Final price: .99 - bought 3
Lean Cuisine (Sale 2.17, reg. 3.21) (Add'l .50 off w/ Kroger Mega Sale; + Q for $2 off 3) Final price: $1 - bought 3
Kraft Singles American cheese slices 16 oz. (Sale 1.99, reg. 2.49) (Add'l .50 off w/ Kroger Mega Sale; + Q for .55 off 1, Q for .75 off 2) Final price: 1 for .94, 2 for 1.11 ea. - bought 3
Oscar Meyer Deli Select ham and turkey (Sale 2.99, reg. 4.49) (Add'l .50 off w/ Kroger Mega Sale; + 2Q for $1 off) Final price: 1.49 - bought 2
Oscar Meyer Bun Length franks (Reg. 1.99) (Add'l .50 off w/ Kroger Mega Sale; + Q $1 off 2) Final price: .99 - bought 2
Knorr Rice & Pasta Sides (Sale 1.00, reg. 1.07) (Q .60 off 2) Final price: .70 - bought 2
Betty Crocker Potatoes (Reg. 1.09) (2 Q .40 off 2 DOUBLED, Shortcuts eQ .40 off) Final price: .50 - bought 4
Jello gelatin (Sale 1.27, reg. 1.49) (Add'l .50 off w/ Kroger Mega Sale; + Q .50 off 2 DOUBLED) Final price: .27 - bought 2
Nestle Toll House Morsels (Sale 2.49, reg. 2.99) (Add'l .50 off w/ Kroger Mega Sale; + 4 Qs for .50 off DOUBLED) Final price: .99 - bought 4
Colgate Wave toothbrush (Sale 1.50, reg. 1.79) (2Q .40 off DOUBLED) Final price: .70 - bought 2
Crystal Light drink mix (Sale 2.99, reg. 4.79) (Add'l .50 off w/ Kroger Mega Sale; + 2Q for $2 off 2) Final price: 1.49 - bought 2
Kashi cereal (reg. 4.99) (Q for free Kashi cereal) Final price: FREE
Cocoa Puffs cereal (Sale 2.50, reg. 2.99) (Q .55 off) Final price: 1.95
Kraft Ranch dressing (Sale 1.69, reg. 2.99) (Add'l .50 off w/ Kroger Mega Sale; + Q .55 off) Final price: .64
Rice Krispies cereal (Reg. 2.77) (Q $1 off) Final price: 1.77
Pop Tarts 12 ct. (Sale 1.98, reg. 3.28) (Q $1 off 2) Final price: 1.48 - bought 2
Suave body wash (Sale 1.48, reg. 1.99) (2Q .50 off DOUBLED; 1Q - buy 2 get 1 free; eQ .65 off) Final cost: .10 ea. - bought 3
Capri Sun (Sale 1.87, reg. 2.11) (Add'l .50 off w/ Kroger Mega Sale; + Q .75 off 1; Q $1 off 3) Final price: .93 ea. - bought 4
Quilted Northern toilet paper (reg. 8.49) (Q $1 off) Final price: 7.49

A win and a challenge

2009-09-14T16:03:00.007-04:00

The Knoxville News Sentinel recently had a $1000 grocery giveaway on their website. I clicked and entered, thinking, "sure, it'd be great to win" but not holding my breath. Then I promptly forgot about the contest.

Let's face it, I've never won anything in my life. Never even $2 on a lottery ticket. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

Well, my phone rang last Wednesday, and on the line was a nice lady from the News Sentinel, telling me that I WON the giveaway.

My mind raced. What giveaway? What are you talking about? Then I remembered that click from a week or so ago.

My reply: "GIT OUTTA HERE! You're kidding!"

She wasn't kidding.

Oh. My. GAWD!!! I won! Thank you, News Sentinel! I really, really, REALLY appreciate it. I have a houseful of boys and let me assure you that grocery money is ALWAYS appreciated.

So, I went to the News Sentinel office in KnoxVegas today to pick up the prize. 2 $500 gift cards for Kroger. I met with the nice lady, we took a picture and chatted for a while, and I even got to meet the Sentinel's BlogMan extrordinaire, Michael Silence of No Silence Here (listed among my favorites).

That could be the end of the story, but I am going to turn it into a personal challenge.

I am going to see how far I can stretch these cards.

My plan is to keep a log of what I buy and how I maximize the savings. Now, I'm not as good as some of the coupon queens out there, but I believe can do a pretty good job. Stay tuned for results!

A side note:
If you think I'm lucky... not so fast.

On my drive back from the Sentinel, I had a flat tire. Not just a plain ol' flat, but a full blowout. On Interstate 40. People weren't moving over to allow me any safety space. A Knoxville police car and a TDOT truck passed me and didn't even slow down. And I didn't have a cell phone with me.

Thank goodness I know how to change a tire. So, I did.

Wait, it gets better.

About a mile down the road... the SPARE tire goes flat. Now, I'm really in trouble. Again, nobody even slowed down for me. Nobody offered to help.

Thankfully I was off the interstate (JUST off the interstate) and within walking distance of a car audio store that let me use their phone to call my husband in Oak Ridge. He came to my rescue, bought me a new tire, and changed it for me. My hero!

But let this be a warning to you. There are an awful lot of people who don't know how to change a flat tire.

LEARN HOW! Look in your owner's manual. Read it and re-read it. Get out the jack and the tire iron and know how to use them.

Also, check the condition of your spare! Just like you change the batteries in your smoke detector, check your spare tire.

Learn how to do it yourself - don't rely on someone being there to help you out.

In which I address Obama's healthcare speech

2009-09-11T08:34:00.006-04:00

I had hoped to post something on this yesterday, but I wanted to get a clear grasp on things beforehand.

Obama's speech to Congress about healthcare. Obama's vagueness left a lot of Americans believing that their best interests were being taken to heart, yet it left a lot of questions unanswered. He said a lot, but there's also a lot he didn't say.

I'd like to address this point by point.

Towards the beginning of his speech, Obama said that "in just a two-year period, one in every three Americans goes without health care coverage at some point."

He didn't say how many of those people go without coverage by choice. He didn't say how many of those people had a short lapse in coverage because they changed jobs (which happens frequently). He didn't say how long those Americans went without coverage. This statistic, in my opinion, is a distortion. He's making things seem more bleak than they really are, which is a scare tactic. More on that later.

Obama said, "More and more Americans worry that if you move, lose your job, or change your job, you'll lose your health insurance too."

Another scare tactic. The federal government addressed this very issue back in 1986 (under a Republican president, I might add) with the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act - also known as COBRA. COBRA provides certain former employees, retirees, spouses, former spouses, and dependent children the right to temporary continuation of health coverage at group rates. By law, if you lose or quit your job (for reasons other than gross misconduct), are laid off, or have your hours reduced, you are still entitled to the company's insurance (unless the company has gone out of business and/or no longer offers insurance) at the group rate for up to 18 months (and sometimes longer). The only catch is that you have to pay 100% of the premiums - which is fair, considering that you no longer work for the company.

"More and more Americans pay their premiums, only to discover that their insurance company has dropped their coverage when they get sick or won't pay the full cost of care."

I'd like to see examples of this "out of the blue" insurance coverage termination, Mr. Obama. In my research, the only instances I can find of this is when the policyholders lied on their insurance applications - when they didn't give full disclosure of their past medical histories. In that situation, the policyholder would clearly be in breach of contract and the insurance company would be within its right to terminate coverage.

Some people may also be confusing this with denial of benefits, not termination of coverage, which happens more frequently. There are people who will buy the cheapest insurance available, not taking into account the things that are and aren't covered by their policies. It's just like car insurance. You can buy minimum coverage... but you'll get minimum benefit. If you buy minimum health insurance, don't expect it to pay for everything.

That's why it's so important to really read through your insurance plan. If there's something you are concerned about, ask questions. Personally, I don't know of any insurance plan that provides 100% coverage for everything. If such a policy exists, then I'll bet you that it's very expensive.

Pre-existing conditions

Lots of concern about denial of coverage because of pre-existing conditions. Also addressed by the government way before this. In 1996, the government passed the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), which, in part, limits the ability of a new employer plan to exclude coverage for pre-existing conditions.

It also:

Provides additional opportunities to enroll in a group health plan if you lose other coverage or experience certain life events;
Prohibits discrimination against employees and their dependent family members based on any health factors they may have, including prior medical conditions, previous claims experience, and genetic information; and
Guarantees that certain individuals will have access to, and can renew, individual health insurance policies.

So, again... I'd like to see examples of people being denied because of pre-existing conditions. Either they're not following the guidelines set forth in HIPAA, or they're not being completely honest.

"Then there's the problem of rising cost. We spend one and a half times more per person on health care than any other country, but we aren't any healthier for it."

Sir, you use this as a reason why insurance is so expensive these days, but you fail to state why health care itself is so expensive.

One of the reasons why we aren't any healthier is because Big Pharma likes us to stay sick. There are more "-itises" and "syndromes" today than you can shake a stick at... and I'm convinced that a majority of them are dreamed up by Big Pharma. All over the tv - what do we see? Commercials for the latest and greatest wonder drugs that nobody can pronouce for some -itis or syndrome that nobody has ever heard of but everybody thinks they now have. For crying out loud, there's a new drug out for growing longer, thicker eyelashes, something I'm sure we're all worried about. Pharmaceutical companies have kicked it into overdrive, coming up with newer, more expensive drugs every day. We take pills, then we take pills to counteract the side effects of the first pills. We inject, we spray, we rub, we inhale. And, no - we're not any healthier for it. Sheep medication... that's what it is.

Mr. President - I don't see you calling Big Pharma out on the carpet. Instead, I see people who try to use tried-and-true homeopathic remedies being labeled as being "on the fringe" or "radical." Tell me, how did your grandparents treat the flu? I'm certain it wasn't with Tamiflu.

The long list of provisions

Obama went on to spell out a long list of provisions. No exclusions because of pre-existing conditions. No loss of coverage due to illness. No annual/lifetime benefits cap. Limits on out of pocket expenses. Free routine and preventive care. The new, competitive "insurance exchange." Low cost catastrophic insurance. And then he mandated that all people, including "irresponsible" individuals who would otherwise opt-out of buying insurance, would be required to carry insurance.

Nice things to have, right? Well, all those goodies don't come cheap. The kicker was the cost. His estimate: $900 BILLION over 10 years

Even better was how he said it would be paid for.

He said that it wouldn't add to the deficit and wouldn't touch the Medicare trust fund.

He said that the money would come from eliminating fraud, waste and abuse.

Read that again.

Apparently, there is 900 BILLION dollars worth of fraud, waste and abuse going on in current government healthcare spending.

How in the hell can you waste 900 BILLION bucks and not notice it? Why, fellow Americans, hasn't anybody said anything about this before now? Why?

Because it's fiction.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm sure there's plenty of fraud, waste and abuse going on. And I'm sure there are plenty of areas that can be better managed. But 900 BILLION dollars worth?

I didn't just fall off the turnip truck yesterday... and neither did you. As a Tennessean, this kind of plan should sound familiar.

With regard to President Obama's plans to use savings from Medicare waste, fraud and abuse, Governor Phil Bredesen noted similar arguments were made with regard to TennCare, an effort in 1994 to expand the state's version of Medicaid to cover many more people.

"Tennessee has been there and done that," said Gov. Bredesen, who became governor in 2003. "That's exactly the argument for TennCare and it didn't turn out that way."

- Chattanooga Times Free Press

Truth be told, if all those things are enacted into law, the government won't be paying for it with all the loose change dug up from between the cushions of all the "fraud, waste and abuse" couches that are apparently all over the place.

They'll make the employers pay for it. Which, in turn, means that we'll be paying for it in the end. Sky-high premiums - for COMPULSORY insurance, I remind you - and taxes. According to Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander's estimates, Tennessee's share would be “about the amount of money a new 10 percent state income tax would raise.” Just imagine a 10% state income tax ON TOP OF the nearly 10% sales tax we already pay. Not to mention property taxes and such.

Forget tax cuts. You can kiss your pre-tax health insurance premiums goodbye... and flexible healthcare saving/spending accounts.

But in the end, Obama upbraided those people who had resorted to scare tactics. Yet, he used them himself.

He said that if we do nothing:

The deficit will increase
More families will go bankrupt
Businesses will close
More people will lose their insurance coverage when they get sick
People will DIE

Scared yet?

Just wait. That's not the scary part.

This is - a direct quote from Obama's speech:

"sometimes government has to step in"

Try swallowing that pill.

Game recipes: Dove

2009-09-10T09:20:00.005-04:00

Right now it's dove season in Tennessee. Dove season opened at noon on September 1, 2008. Doves can be hunted now through September 26, October 11 through October 26 and December 19 through January 15, from half an hour before sunrise to sunset. For Mourning doves, the daily bag limit is 15. There is no bag limit on Eurasian-collared doves. For more information, or to find your nearest state-managed dove field, check with the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency.

I'm not going to get into a lengthy ethics discussion here. I do not believe in killing just for the sake of killing. When it comes to hunting, I believe it should be for consumption only. When my family hunts or fishes, we eat what we kill. And when we hunt, we do it mindfully and ethically. We never resort to savage or unnecessary measures. We never take more than we need or can preserve.

Some friends of ours are going on a dove hunt and we've been promised a big "mess" of doves. So, I've gathered up some recipes to have ready.

When it comes to cooking with wild meat, some people are afraid that it'll taste too "gamey." That's possible, but I've not really experienced it with birds. If you're afraid that your game meat will taste "gamey," then you can soak the meat in milk or a solution of 2 quarts of water and 1 tablespoon of baking soda for an hour. Rinse the meat thoroughly after soaking.

With dove, you can basically substitute it in any chicken recipe that you have. Just keep in mind that doves are a lot smaller than chickens. The average serving is 2-3 doves per person.

DOVE BREASTS AND WILD RICE CASSEROLE
10 Dove breasts
Juice from 1/2 lemon
Salt
Pepper
1 Rib celery
1/2 lb Mushrooms
4 Scallions or green onions, sliced
3 Tbsp. Butter
1/4 tsp. Tarragon
1/2 c White wine
1 1/2 c Chicken stock
2/3 c Wild rice

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Rinse the wild rice, drain, and set aside. Skin the dove breasts, wipe with lemon juice, and salt and pepper the breasts.

Chop the mushrooms, scallions and celery. Lightly saute in the butter (3-5 minutes).

Put the wild rice in the bottom of a casserole dish. Arrange the dove breasts on top of the wild rice. Pour celery, mushroom, and scallion mixture over doves. Add rest of ingredients (tarragon, white wine, and chicken stock). Cover the casserole with foil and bake at 325 degrees for 90 minutes.

DOVE CACCIATORE
4 Doves
Salt and pepper
1/4 c Olive oil
1/2 c Beer
4 Med. onions sliced
1/4 tsp. Oregano
Garlic salt
Flour
3 Tbsp. Chopped parsley
1 Clove garlic. crushed
1 Green bell pepper, diced
1 (8 oz) can tomato sauce

Sprinkle doves inside and out with salt, pepper and flour. Heat oil in skillet and brown doves on all sides.

Add tomato sauce, beer and remaining ingredients. Stir to spread seasoning. Bring to a boil, cover and cook over low heat 30 to 45 minutes or until doves are tender.

FRIED DOVES/FRIED QUAIL (Granny always used to fix fried quail at Thanksgiving - it was a Mississippi tradition)
4 Doves or quail
1/2 c Butter
1/2 c Vegetable oil
Flour
Salt & pepper to taste
1/2 tsp. Onion powder

Clean and split doves or quails. Rinse, dry and roll in seasoned flour.

Melt butter and oil in heavy skillet. Put doves or quails into hot oil; cover skillet and cook for 5 minutes. Remove cover and cook until tender.

DOVE PIE (an English tradition)
6 doves
1 cup water
2 ribs celery
1/2 green bell pepper
1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper
1 tsp. salt
1 recipe 2-crust pie pastry
1/4 cup butter
Black pepper

Place doves in pot with 1 cup water. Add celery, bell pepper, red pepper and salt. Bring to a boil. Cover pot and cook 45 to 60 minutes until birds are tender. Cool and bone doves. Reserve 1 cup broth.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line an 8-inch square baking dish with 1/2 pastry. Top with meat from doves. Dot with butter. Season with salt and pepper. Pour in reserved broth.

Top with remaining pastry. Brush with melted butter or egg white. Bake at 350 degrees until brown, about 1 hour.

DOVES A L'ORANGE
12 doves, cleaned and rinsed
4 Tbsp. butter
1 1/2 tsp. salt
2 cups orange juice

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Brown doves in butter in heavy skillet.

Place doves in a casserole dish. Add salt and orange juice. Cover tightly with foil. Bake at 325 degrees for about 1 1/2 hours, or until doves are tender.

Autumn Saturdays in the South

2009-09-04T14:14:00.002-04:00

College football time.

Hearts swell with hopeful pride as warrior teams clad in triumphant regalia - their legions of fans dressed to match - swarm green battlefields across the campuses of the South.

Their eyes grow misty as bands with names like "The Best in Sight and Sound" (Univ. of Arkansas)," "The Redcoat Band" (Univ. of Georgia), "The Golden Band From Tigerland" (LSU), "The Spirit of Gold" (Vanderbilt) play the majestic and sentimental strains of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," "My Old Kentucky Home," "I Saw the Light," and "Mr. Touchdown."

I, too, am a college football fan. And though I live in the heart of Big Orange Country, I am not a fan of the Tennessee Volunteers.

Yes, you read that right.

I am not a Vols fan.

This time of year is especially difficult for me. Why? It is because I am a fan of Tennessee's arch-rival: Alabama.

I am a Crimson Tide fan. Yes, I even named my firstborn son after Coach Bear Bryant.

For a Tide fan, life in Big Orange Country can be a challenge.

By and large, most Vols fans that I encounter are gracious and even friendly. Let's face it - both of our teams would love to put a first class whoopin' on Georgia. But the underlying rivalry between UT and 'Bama still exists, and we do feel the tension.

There are some UT fans that get hostile at me when they learn that I am an Alabama fan.
I've had the "Bama" tag on my car defaced and stolen. I've gotten ugly looks and remarks when I've worn an Alabama shirt.

But I don't let it faze me. Thankfully, those people are in the minority.

College football season starts tomorrow, and I am excited. To the UT Vols and all their fans, let me wish you good luck tomorrow.

To Alabama and all my fellow fans, let me say:

Rammer Jammer
Yellowhammer
Give 'em hell, Alabama!

And click here to sing along with me:

Yea, Alabama!
Drown 'em, Tide!
Ev'ry 'Bama man's behind you,
Hit your stride.
Go teach the Bulldogs to behave
And send the Yellowjackets to a watery grave!
If a man starts to weaken,
it's a shame,
'Cause 'Bama's pluck and grit
Have writ her name in crimson flame.
Fight on, fight on, fight on, men -
Remember the Rose Bowl we'll win then!
Roll on to vict'ry!
Hit your stride!
You're Dixie's football pride, Crimson Tide!

Sometimes, I wish I were a traffic cop

2009-09-03T08:52:00.002-04:00

Driving my boys Tater and Bud to school this morning, we were in traffic behind a minivan.

Not an uncommon occurrence, right?

Well, dangling from beneath the license plate of this minivan was a set of plastic testicles. Decorum prohibits me posting a picture of the offensive item here. "Realistic [caucasian] flesh color w/veins, wrinkles & one hangs just a little lower," as advertised on the manufacturer's website.

Realistic testicles. On... A... MINIVAN... taking children to school. I wish I had a picture of the person's LICENSE PLATE to post here.

We all noticed them, but Tater, my youngest, was the first to speak up.

Tater: "Mom, what's THAT?!"

Me: "Don't worry about it, Tater. It's ugly."

Tater: "Mom, that looks like... oh, DEAR!" (That's Tater's current phrase: "Oh, DEAR")

Bud: "Hey, that looks like those things under a guy's penis! What do you call them?" (My boys are 10 and 11 and we're entering the phase where I do my best to explain the body matter-of-factly, without embarrassment. Birds and bees stuff, you know.)

Mom: "Testicles. Yes, I know. Don't worry about it."

Bud: "Mom, why would somebody have something like that on their car?"

Me: "They're trying to be funny, but it's really being vulgar."

Tater: "That's not very nice, is it, Mom?"

Me: "No, it isn't. People shouldn't be showing things like that."

It's mess like this that makes me wonder what has happened to common decency. No wonder violent, horrific crimes abound. People don't have any respect any more. No respect for others and no respect for themselves.

I wish, at that moment, that I'd been a traffic cop.

I would have cited that driver under T.C.A. 55-8-187:

55-8-187. Obscene or patently offensive bumper stickers, window signs, etc., prohibited. —

To avoid distracting other drivers and thereby reduce the likelihood of accidents arising from lack of attention or concentration, the display of obscene and patently offensive movies, bumper stickers, window signs or other markings on or in a motor vehicle that are visible to other drivers is prohibited and display of such materials shall subject the owner of the vehicle on which they are displayed, upon conviction, to a fine of not less than two dollars ($2.00) nor more than fifty dollars ($50.00).

“Obscene” or “patently offensive” has the meaning specified in T.C.A. § 39-17-901:
(10) “Obscene” means:

(A) The average person applying contemporary community standards would find that the work, taken as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest;

(B) The average person applying contemporary community standards would find that the work depicts or describes, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct; and

(C) The work, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value;

(11) “Patently offensive” means that which goes substantially beyond customary limits of candor in describing or representing such matters;

I hardly think testicles dangling from a vehicle could be classified as serious artistic expression.