Tera Kya Hoga Kalia?

Why Shanghai Shanghaied?: TKHK reviews Shanghai

2012-06-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

Note: Shanghaied means “When you discover that something you ordered off the internet turns out to be a cheap, made in China piece of crap.”

Shanghai. What a promising movie! Abhay Deol, Emraan Hashmi, Kalki and a creepily Anurag Kashyap lookalike and Dibaker Banerjee all in one. Amazing setting. Very topical. Good direction. Based on the 1966 book ‘Z’ by Vassilis Vassilikos. Everything is very very promising. But.. but.. it remains just that. A promising movie and what a broken promise it ends up being.

So what went wrong with something that’d the potential of becoming the face of Indian films? Akira Kurosawa’s famous statement on Satyajit Ray “Not to have seen the cinema of Ray means existing in the world without seeing the sun or the moon” could have as well applied to Dibakar, after this movie. But he is a long way from getting there. After Khosla ka Ghosla, Oye! Lucky Lucky Oye! and the unconventional LSD, made Banerjee quite a director. But, was he ready to take on something as brilliant as the story of ‘Z’?

First a li’l background on ‘Z’ will help you see my point. The book is based on a vaguely fictionalized version of the assassination of a Greek democrat Grigoris Lambrakis, under a military dictatorship. ‘Z’ translates to- He Lives. Implying, Lambrakis still lives. Now, Shanghai is supposedly based on this book. But I beg to differ. What Dibakar really did was that he watched the 1969 adaptation of the book ‘Z’ directed by a man who was kicked out of Greece because of radical ideation and of course, his movies. The man in question was Costa Gavras.

Now, the movie ‘Z’ is a political cry of rage! It was a finger shoved up the asses of the government. An exclamation, posed as a question to the military dictatorship that ruled Greece when the movie was made. This movie was made by a man who was constantly in and out of jail because he believed in his movies. His father had been a communist, and was imprisoned after the war as a suspected communist and thus, his father's fate fucked him up and he could not get into any university or move to the U.S.A, so after high school Costa Gavras went to France, where he began his studies of law in 1951. His father's political blacklisting barred him from Greek university. And so, you can understand how pissed he was when he made the movie. He truly believed that Grigoris Lambrakis still lives.

Mikis Theodorakis, the music director was imprisoned when he composed the music for ‘Z’. He smuggled the music out! Do you read the passion of the men who made ‘Z’?

In the movie, world class actors like, Irene Papas and Yves Montand play such minuscule roles, it’s almost a laugh. The lead roles are played by relatively smaller stars, but giving a stellar performance. He did not need a Deol or a Hashmi to get across what he felt. The emotion just makes the movie. The movie starts with the following ‘claimer’ “Any resemblance to real events, to persons dead or living, is not accidental. It is INTENTIONAL.” Now, THAT is having balls!

Zoom back to Shanghai. It has a disclaimer that reads, “All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.” And yes, the characters in Shanghai are fictitious. They never live beyond the fourth wall of the screen! They fall short of what could have lived. A true ‘Z’ never came alive.

Dibakar never felt that emotion, that frustration. It is just another of those movies that tries to speak out, but dies a squeaky death. It is not honest enough! He just saw a brilliant French movie by a Greek director, remade it and told everyone that he made it from a book whose author’s name can hardly be pronounced. Oooo! So fancy! Ass! In my view, he fucked up his credentials. I got into movies because of ‘Z’ and now; he is forcing me out of them, with Shanghai!

It is just sad. Really, sad. Pathetic to see an Oscar winning movie(Not that Oscars have ever been a standard for a good movie) die in the hands of a guy who took on too much than he could. Maybe it’s unfair to compare. But, it was HE who flicked ‘Z’ SCENE BY SCENE and then Indianizes it, and does not even show the sexy Court-Marshall ending of the movie.

Shanghai in the end just Shanghaied. Eh! Dibakar, Agli baar kuch aur copy karna! ‘Z’ is too much for one man to take. In the end, ‘He Lives’. ‘He Lives.’

Dialogue of the day: He Lives. ('Z', 1969)

TKHK Reviews No Smoking

2012-04-18T08:20:00.001-07:00

#00 Kahaani: No Smoking

The movie opens with a glorious display of credits and moving logos of production houses, with globes turning and lions roaring and all that stuff. Marvel at their comprehensibility and depth of meaning- "Eros man! the greek goddess of sex or some shit", because that would be the only comprehensible part of the movie or that would be the last sane dialogue you would utter for the rest of the two hours. You shall be drained at the interval or if there is none (that is if you are viewing it continuously) I'm sorry for you man!

You will be astounded, you shall be repelled, you shall scream open mouthed when Ranveer Shorey's dead finger begins to grow when attatched to his hand, you shall be disgusted and depressed by the films bleakness and dark humor (that is if you are the squirmish type) but one thing can never happen- that is you getting bored and sleeping off in the middle of the movie. No sir! That's not possible. Because if you do, the jazz song of a woman dancing as a man is sure to wake you up, as your friends wont stop nudging you.

The movie plot is simple. A narcissistic man called K (just K or "Ka" in hindi) smokes a lot. He has ashtrays more than dinner plates and has smokes even in the bathroom. His wife, disgusted by his habit, insists him to join a prayogshala (laboratory) run by a crazy man with a weird sense of humor played impeccably and flawlessly by Paresh Rawal. K descends into his worst nightmare when his addiction takes over and every puff of smoke he inhales leads to dire consequences.

The movie borrows heavily from Stephen King's Quitters.Inc and surreal elements from Kafka's The Trial. That is the plot. No twists, no sensational character arcs. Just plain old plot.

To this just add the Russian army, A Bathtub, Phantasmic entities running amock in the Prayogshala, ladies in burkha's, decapitated fingers, sleazy jazz songs, hilarious comic book balloons, non-sensical dialogues and Ranveer Shorey's squint. Try to find out how these things figure in the plot. If you do understand, you havent understood it at all. If you don't understand, watch the movie again! In the end the movie eats itself, consumed by its own ambition and surrealism.

The characters suddenly blankout, descend into insanity or passiveness and indulge in non-sensical dialogues. But the whole point of surrealism is to emphasize the meaning by taking away the meaning. Which Kashyap fails to do, because once surrealism takes over, the film spins out of control. And instead of controlling the movie's theme (I'm guessing it has one) he further deepens the wound and adds some more masala. This is evident in the second half when K squeezes his way into the mob and ends up in a jail. WTF! The scenes refuse to unfold its meaning, giving the viewers nothing but a growing resentment towards Kashyap's movies. The man literally says- "I know the meaning, I wont tell you!" and basks in the open-mouthed frustration of the viewers. The second part of the movie is madness.

The movie does not hesitate in violence. Fingers are cut, fingers are regrown, 'Finger's are shown and the audience finally end up plunging their fingers into their ears as the strange songs are played out in front of them. Another aspect heavily borrowed from Kafka's The Trial is the presence of authoritarian figures who force the character to their whims. The end basically isn't as shocking as it seems because people are so washed out and de-fibrillated that they can hardly drive home without glancing nevously at their fingers (making sure its intact) and honking at the dogs lest comic book balloons appear on top of their ears with words like "Kaminey" written on it (In hindi).

But the movie certainly represents a break from the conventional style of Cinema. Even though Kashyap obscures the moral, changes Plato's dialogues into Socrates' and finally into Sinatra's you just wont be bored.

Phew!

Dialogue of the day: Beedi Jalaai le' ke is Vishal desh mein, cigar Gulzar. (Yes, That actually is a dialogue from the movie)

Arbit Connections!

2012-04-16T08:37:00.003-07:00

Arbit connects. Muhahaha! Finally, We are at Arbit Connects! The very reason of this Blog’s existence is because we happen to know a LOT of Arbit bullshit and we cannot wait to show off! So here we are going Bollywood A-Crazy!

Now, the whole thing about our Arbit Connects is that across Bollywood, there are a lot of connections that many people aren’t aware. These connections could be anything and they make for some pretty interesting read. So here goes, without beating around the bush (as many of our readers want us to do, but we do like rambling, so bear with us):

Arbit Connection #00: Remember the Amitabh starrer Don? Of course, you do! And no, we are not gonna talk about Don, but about this particular extra who played “Shakaal”. Watch the video and refresh thy memory.

So, that bald man happens to be a man named M.B Shetty. He was a 60’s henchman, who has played varied roles across decades. He gave us outstanding fighting scenes in Don, Deewar etc. M.B. Shetty lived mostly in poverty, his film life almost fading as he got old.

Rohit Shetty

Now, the Arbit Connect here is really sexy. M.B Shetty isn’t just some random bald man who was played random roles. He happens to be the father of the man who was the assistant direcor of several of Ajay Devgan's movies like Pyaar To Hona Hi Tha, Raju Chaha and gradually developed his friendship with Ajay. And the man is…. Rohit Shetty. Yup! The random bald henchman is Rohit Shetty’s father. Rohit Shetty of the Golmaal Franchise. Muhaha! Yes. Very Arbit.

Arbit Connection #01: If you think the previous one was Arbit, think again. Think Vikram Bhatt. What movies come to your mind? 1920, Raaz, Haunted 3D and most recently, the Karishma Kapoor starrer, Dangerous Ishq 3D are some of the movies that hit you.

One common misconception is that he is related to Mahesh Bhatt. No. He is not.

Now, think of the 1952 mega-blockbuster “Baiju Bawra”. It was one of the biggest hits of the year. It gave Meena Kumari the Best Actress Award at the FIRST FILMFARE in 1954. Brilliant movie. The director of this movie is a man who was the founding fathers of the Film and Television Guild of India. His contribution to Indian Cinema was recognized in 198 by Indira Gandhi and was honoured when Indian Cinema hit 75 years. And this man is…. Vijay Bhatt. HE is the grand-father of the Vikram Bhatt.

Vikram Bhatt

Yes, the man who made Baiju Bawra is the Grand-father of the man who makes Horror movies so bad, you laugh!

So that’s a wrap for now. Hope you like our Arbit Funda. Do write in and let us know.

Dialogue of the day: “Mere Paas Maa Hain”

The Man Who Made Agneepath.

2012-04-13T10:17:00.001-07:00

We have all gone gaga over Karan Malhotra's rendition of Agneepath. Decent stuff. Sanjay Dutt does a good job. Hrithik and Priyanka, well... they are a part of a good movie, is all we can say.

Agneepath happens to be a remake of one of India’s cult movies called, of course- Agneepath. Now, THAT is a movie. It is touted as a rip off of Scarface! Yes, Al Pacino’s Scarface. Now, two things:

· NO ONE can remake SCARFACE! “Say Hello to my li’l friend *Dhichkyao Dhickyao*”
· If Agneepath WAS a rip off, we at Tera Kya Hoga Kaalia(TKHK) happen to LOVE that rip off! Simple logic, pah!

So Agneepath- the old one- has some very sexy performances by Big B, Mithun “I-am-a-disco-dancer” Chakraborty and finally, Danny Denzongpa! Danny is THE shiz! No son of Sunil Dutt can beat him over that role. Amazing movie, with amazing music, amazing story, amazing drama(especially, the Sambhar fight sequence). In short, Sexy Shit. If you haven’t watched it, watch it. TKHK recommends it. So, do it.

Now as it happens, some directors somehow remain in obscurity, in-spite of their innate brilliance and so is the case with the director of Agneepath, Mukul. S Anand. His untimely death in 1997 hasn't given him the recognition he deserves. So here we are, telling you some very interesting stuff about The Man Who Made Agneepath(the REAL one). He has directed quite a few notable movies. We are not gonna talk about all his movies, since this is NOT Wikipedia. For a good list of his movies, wiki him up.

He directed Agneepath, of course. He is also the director of a movie that brought two biggies- Rajnikant and Big B- together. Yup! They have starred in a movie together. The movie is Hum, by the way. He is also the director of this Afghani romantic movie, Khudah Gawah which is a li’l hilarious because of Big B’s accent and all. Trying too hard. Oh! It also starred Nagarjuna. Si! The Telugu actor. But, the movie did win Anand a fimfare.

Anand has also directed Trimurti. Yes, the completely stupid, pointless and ridiculous movie starring Anil Kapoor, Jackie Shroff and SHAHRUKH KHAN in his stupidest role after Duplicate. Yes, The Man Who Made Agneepath also made Trimurti. What can we say, shit happens!

Now, what is interesting is that he started making this movie called DUS. Remember the song “Suno Gaur Se Duniya Waalo”, with Shilpa, Salman and Sanjay jumping around? Yes, it was from a certain movie called Dus.

The story line is a li’l bleh, so we won’t talk about it. But, the point is that he died midway the movie in 1997, leaving the movie “40% complete” (How do you measure how much a movie is done, really? The figure 40% seems to be omnipotent. It features everytime you research Dus. Weird) So, he dies leaving the movie with nothing but a few action sequences and an album(Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy’s debut composition).

Tinnu Anand

In 2005, Nitin Manmohan, the producer of Dus releases another movie called Dus. Yup! It’s all loopy. So the 2005 Dus was technically, Mukul’s legacy and it was a pretty good hit. Kudos to Pankaj Kapoor.

Arbit Fact: Mukul S Anand is Tinnu Anand’s cousin. Tinnu Anand is the toothy boss of Asin(Kalpana) in Ghajini. Tinnu Anand is not only an actor, he is also a director. He directed the Big B starrers Shahenshah and Major Saab!

So that’s the shiz about Mukul S Anand who never quite got his due and we are doing that li’l bit. Amen. Hope now you know Bollywood isn’t JUST Bollywood. Please do write in, comment.

Dialogue of the day:

“Pura naam...... Vijay Dinanath Chauhan,

Baap ka naam..... Dinanath Chauhan,

Maa ka naam...... Suhasini Chauhan,

Gaon Mandwa.”

Tere Kya Hoga Kaalia?!

2012-04-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

We(the authors of this blog) often have orgies over Bollywood. We talk arbit shit about Bollywood. RANDOM shit! We have baffled people because of what we know. And a certain friend just mentioned, "Why not Blog about your non-sense?" and we say, why not? So, here we are aptly named after one of the most iconic dialogues in history of Indian Cinema, we give you Bollywood.

Bollywood is not the name of Salman's dogs. Bollywood is not how many siblings Katrina Kaif has. In short, Bollywood is not a useless ticker on a worthless zooming channel!

So here we are. Talking about Bollywood. From the most arbit trivia to the most fascinating connections. We have it all! Did you know Prithviraj Kapoor's last movie was a Kannada movie directed by Puttanna Kannagal?

Yes, we know crazy shit!

We bring our love for Bollywood to you. Basking in the glory of Bimal Roy's brilliance to laughing at the stupidity of Sajid Khan. Sigh! We are gonna talk. We are gonna be controversial. Going against conventions, we will review movies. Point out mistakes. Applaud unknown geniuses. We also have a li'l feature called "Dialogue of the post". Every post, we will have one dialogue in the end. One SEXY dialogue. Yes, we are bored people. Amen!

Dialogue of the Post: "Tera Kya Hoga Kaalia?"