Terri Pugh's blog

Couch-surfing Reflections....

2013-05-18T08:02:00.001-07:00

I sit this morning outside my daughter's home. She lives here with her long term firefighter boyfriend who has impressed us all with his sudden success and hard work at becoming certified in his vocation.

I woke up early in spit of promising myself that I could sleep in. I have already contacted the head of my new program at my grad school, updated my files and gone over any information for grad school admissions work. I have a bit of college work to go over while I can this morning but I find that I am very reflective.

I went over my Facebook Profile photos since 2008. On Facebook, these are sort of your main picture to let your friends and family know they have the right person. I was pretty good at actually updating mine regularly.

As I clicked through the shots, I watched myself transform from the scared housewife to the up and coming grad student I seem to be now.

There are photos of me with people...my mom and I, (probably for a past Mother's Day), Manny and I and Joel and I. There are hardly ever photos of my son and I. I did that on purpose even though we are usually together. I might be Ok with my own image and info on the internet but my son deserves his privacy, so even among my Facebook friends I try to avoid slapping his image on all of my posts. I do love our pictures though most of all since we both seem to shine with such glee in the same way.

We are happy in our coastal cities that we lived in after my foreclosure while I tentatively threw myself into a scholar. We were happy in Oregon during our brief 9 months there.

He and I enjoyed Manny in our lives, I can tell by the pictures, even though I have no desire to speak with this past boyfriend or even check on how he is doing.

My son and I loved being in Europe and returning home even though it was a bumpy ride. That boy never complained even though we were hungry during the last 3 weeks quite a bit. He had that spirit of adventure that one gets from watching Indiana Jones movies too much as a child.

All of it is reflected in our pictures.

I lost a few computers since then and that means that I have no way to get back hundreds of European photos we took or several year's worth of pictures that were stored on the computer, but not anywhere on a SkyDrive in the Ethernet....

But the Facebook photos have become a treasure trove of pictures gone by. I am not one for living in the past. Most of my adult life after my break up with my Ex-husband I have been very focused on the future, to be quite honest. But this morning I wanted to take a look back and look ahead as well.

I have loved everything I have had on my plate. Perhaps our small town Italian life was more interesting since we were hungry during the last part of it. Perhaps having the grouch of a boyfriend for 5 years, who steadily worked his way into a Blue Funk that would not abate, helped me to spring forward.

I do know what it is like to be happy. I was happy with Joel, but knew I wasn't staying around here much longer. I was happy with my Ex. I tried to go back to school when our lives were blissfully oriented towards our children and our community, but I could not climb past a cranky counselor who was disgusted that I brought toddlers along for my appointment to consider Columbia Community College nearby. She had no desire to make school possible for a woman who was interested in womanly things like homemaking. She never even gave me a chance to say I wanted to study languages.

I think being happy might not make me ambitious. I think it might even make me feel so joyful and complacent that I lack motivation to change a thing.

Under my normal circumstances those photos I just clicked through on my computer would not have included much outside of Disneyland treks and happy stay-at-home weekends, with home improvement projects and gardening shots.

I never stayed home out of fear of trying anything more. I have heard this sort of thought bantied about by those who are threatened by anyone who chooses to be a stay at home housewife and homeschooling mother. I think it is far richer and more satisfying than endless rounds of new school experiences and I know I chose wisely when I spent decades raising my children and others I hold dear. I never wasted a moment in that life.

I know how to can jelly and jam. I can pickle garlic, mushrooms and tons of vegetables. I can spin wool with my own spinning wheel and sew almost anything by sight alone. I can make foreign foods in the kitchen and cook over a fire.

But now I never have time.

Now I can also survey a culture, situation or experience with an analysis that includes all that I have been before, in my words. I could never write a report for a dignitary in the future about a new culture to be encountered without bringing into my words the rich knowledge that I gained from raising my own children and being a stay at home mom. I happen to like this new life a lot. I feel successful and joyful even as I limp along with my head being droopy from excessive effort.

I am grateful for my education but I think it has only enhanced the gifts of being who I was before.

I feel incredibly grateful for my foreclosure and divorce. I think this version of me will be useful to more then my immediate family. Maybe I can help be the change I want to see in the world since I know what it is like to be a wife and mother, poverty stricken and well to do. I think I can help change the political equation.

Yes, I am a couch-surfing homeless person. But I think that is proving to be just as important in shaping my future as student, wife or mother did.

Romantic Moment

2013-05-14T08:52:00.002-07:00

There was a stunning moment this weekend that keeps filtering to the top of my mind. I was slow dancing in silence with Joel, under the stars, in the woods while camping, pine trees all around and a tent with our three kids a few feet away....

It was so calm, sweet and fun...it was one of the most romantic moments of my life.

I have been feeling secure and happy as I cling to time here to life here at his house knowing full well it is all changing quickly. I know I am gearing up for my jump to grad school, but at this moment he is giving me security and joy as I ready for the move.

I have a rhythm that is exactly what I am going to school to achieve. Here I can do the household's laundry on a specified weekday....I can tend to my son and school and do domestic duties regularly like change the kitty litter, sweep the floor, make the beds and just relax and feel appreciation. I want a job where I can do all these things and afford to go out to eat once in a while.

In the meantime I study like crazy on my present studies as well as my future work.

I know what is going on globally and locally when it comes to policy to make sure I am not the one to walk into class without a clue. But my mind is not there right now...my mind is on that night under the stars.

Soil Science and Other Frustrations

2013-04-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

I woke with a start this morning at 2:16 am. This is typical. If you lived my crazy life since foreclosure you would find yourself waking at all sorts of odd times too.

"Where the heck am I?"

I wasn't in my bean bag back at my friend's house. I could hear my 12 year old somewhere nearby so I was able to lay around and get my bearings instead of hunt him down and assure myself he was fine and breathing.

In the last 4 weeks I have been trying to do a soil assignment for my very first ever Ag Science class.

I have always wanted to know more about planting soils and this was a good match for me when I signed up for it since I love gardening and feel it is a massively important subject. In reality it is way off track.....

Yet I have been doing so poorly in the class I had to sign up for a sort of pass/fail situation. I am almost ready to graduate. This was sort of a required last leftover. Oregon universities need 3 sciences for BA work while my CA world only required one for my subject. Here I am in my last term finishing off with the only biology class I could swing.

Why am I doing poorly? If you read are one of my Facebook friends there is no real reason given in my posts....just a chain of whining about being behind in Soil science and the misery of spending hundreds of dollars this term on dirt and rocks for the labs alone.

But there are very good reasons. Just like people in real life we all walk around judging one another's situations with the scanty information we hold and wonder why others aren't keeping up on their own stuff. But let's face it....WE ALL HAVE STUFF GOING ON....

I am homeless yet again and I have been in 4 weeks of class each time turning in my assignment from a new very different location in California. I have been in the rocky foothills with a loamy soil for week 1. There I turned in an assignment that required a 30 page report on the soils of that region.

During week 2 I found myself in the Bay area...the soil was very different and my assignment was not completed because samples of soil were in complete. I didn't know if it was OK to dig a hole in the ground there...up to 4 feet deep.

Week 3 I was at my daughter's place in another area of the higher foothill regions. There was no place to dig a pit for my next level of the same assignment assessing soils.

Now I am in week 4...I have not turned in my crucial labs since Week 1, but there is a turn taking place and it is reflected in my feelings as of last night....

I had to stay here since my homeschooler has intense Star Tests taking place back in Sonora.

After a lot of driving, sweating, moving and lifting, we came home to find Joel insisting we all go for a swim.

On the shore of a lake, my boyfriend, suggested I consider staying here...pushing off my sudden move to the coast for grad school until I am closer to my start dates. In the friendly sunshine he reminded me that I can get more aid from the school on covering costs and getting a job on campus. He also practically pointed out that I could use the time at his place to relax, finish my last term and stay with him indefinitely until August.

I was able to take deep breaths for the first time in weeks. And it was nice that he sounded like he wanted me to stick around for a bit longer. I already know that I really enjoy being around him and his kids. So does my youngest who is almost pressuring us to stick together.

But the first thought I had when I was startled awake was the realization that I could dig a hole here and do my assignment correctly. Not only do I crave more time with Joel but I could actually get my work done on my assignments.

The only downside is that we have not been able to spend more then a month together without a blowout.

It makes sense.....for now...

Bouncing on the End of the Diving Board....

2013-04-20T07:58:00.002-07:00

I want to talk about all sorts of personal things that do not make it into my blog, like my son's birthday or my huge disasters as well as some of my greatest excitements, but those seem to be hemmed in by the one factor that is always short in my life, time.

I have never been the sort of person who is bored let's be honest, but I almost never have time to do the stuff that really hits me as "my fun stuff" in many ways like I used to do all the time.

My fun stuff is long luxurious phone calls with family and friends....goofy let's-watch-some-frivolous-fun-TV with my youngest, and squeezing in romantic liaisons with the same person, (life was so lovely when that was always the same person!). Time to pet my dog who is getting older right before my eyes and time to sit and watch the sun set with a slow conversation unfurling around me.

It occurred to me though, this morning before I popped out of bed, that I have been getting some of that stuff during this week of homelessness while I ready for Monterey.

I think I should rush less this weekend and breathe more. I have so much to be VERY grateful for....kids, that I adore and feel proud of....an Ex husband I would throw myself in front of a train for...A boyfriend who comes with the bonus of having really nice kids and family and a future for me, that might not include poverty.

I think that is one of my favorite things about studying and loving other cultures and places. I spent 20 minutes last night in the restaurant getting to learn to pronounce how to say "Have a nice weekend" in Chinese...it is so precious to get to spend time just piece-mealing my way through understanding other ways of viewing life. Yet I don't give myself that luxury often enough. I am at the end of my BA studies and am forced to be taking classes that fulfill requirements rather then fulfill my desires.

Even though I am getting all of my dreams, it is fair to say I have not allowed myself to enjoy this moment.

I think my goal for this special weekend is to look around and appreciate what I have already got in my life, even if it means that I have to be late on my assignments for school.

I am grateful for my children. I am such a lucky mother. I have all the usual guilt that every parent has in their hearts but let's be honest...I have everything I ever wanted for them. They are bright, fun and even my littlest one is so self sufficient he can negotiate many households and interchanging family and friends which his siblings probably would not be able to do at his age since they had such a stable household and life.

In that sense, divorce and financial insecurity have helped him to wind up being a much more resilient child then his older brother and sister. I think the same has happened to me. I am far more resilient than the young mom who was overwhelmed by bills and small disasters.

Walking through the fires of big disasters has made me a much more interesting person.

I loved the Terri who used to spend so much time completely focused on her home life....the one who got up each morning to pick roses from her awning of them that grew over the sunny window..to put those beauties in a vase and place them on a doily in the center of her kitchen table.

I think that kitchen table, used by my Ex's Welsh Nanna, is in a garage at his house and has been since I lived in Oregon.

But this Terri is a much more capable person. I can see a scam a mile off now...I can recognize a court case being prepared against a loved one from a preliminary discussion...I can get accepted to grad school on my own terms and not follow conventional wisdom. I am wading through a final term where I am incessantly behind and know in my heart it will all work out fine for my entry into grad school this fall. I can handle a pretty intense job now negotiating details or analyzing facts in a healthy strong way.

My education has given me many gifts...and most of them are the new me who has a lot more confidence and capabilities now. I can handle a website and see my own products or friend's products filled with my favorite things...or detail my books and put them back on the market.

I have no reason to think that the little house frau from Tuolumne County, California can move forward into successes such as I see for myself...but somewhere inside I know I can do this because of all the gifts of being from Tuolumne County.

It is rugged cowboy country. It is filled with intelligent fun-loving people who enjoy a day's end with a cold beer and a relaxed discussion as they assess the world's happenings from a hill top of security.

I guess what I am saying as I pack up to head out again is that I know it will all turn out fine since I have been seeing that pattern emerging over and over again. The messy stuff seems to create more good stuff in the end....

Packing Makes Us Nervous

2013-04-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

For some reason, we humans find reasons to feel aggravated or edgy even if we get all of our wishes.

I am mortified to admit that I am at present one of those thankless souls. I am going to grad school in a fabulous place that I have wonderful memories of hanging out with my family when little. So here I am packing my family pictures and all my clothes into tubs and boxes and I still have tons of books. But I felt scared....putting my life back in boxes....it makes me nervous...I am a bit of a homebody who is happiest "at home with my own things around me" (read that with an Irish accent akin to the Mary Kate Danaher character played by Maureen O'Hara in The Quiet Man). Something about slopping it all in boxes or tubs and labeling them with sharpies makes me nervous...and a little sick in the stomach. My shoulders were super tense and it wasn't from tossing heavy boxes....I think it was the thought of moving forward to exactly where I want to be...why on earth should I be tense? I am a success...right? Sort of?

I am truly grateful....but sometimes the scariest thing in the world is to have our dreams come true....

Waking Up....

2013-04-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

So I woke up this morning realizing it was high past time to reassess some stuff. I am behind in my two science classes that are all I have left to have my Bachelors from Oregon State University. I am running ragged trying to figure out how to deal with Soil Science...find a home in my new town...finish grad school requirements that need to get turned in even though I have been accepted, and find time to just play a bit and have fun with my homeschooling son who should be my total focus in a perfect world. I wonder sometimes when I look at him whether it will make up for this time of pure focus where I am perpetually soaking in my schoolwork, when I can buy him a car when he is old enough to drive. I find it a haunting thought.

I poured everything I had into my two older kids and now Ex-husband, and I don't have an ounce of regret. I, in fact, look at that time as meaningful and complete in ways no job that pays me well can ever offer.

But now this whole scholarly section of my life is bringing me great joy and confidence to be honest as well. I guess when I analyze it...so did all of my so-called failures like attending my home's auction in 2008 just before my birthday, and losing an excellent soulmate and hubby, and screwing up my attempts at understanding life as it unfolds around me...all of these things are enhancements if you ask the me of today.

Regardless, I woke up and looked around and felt incredible pressure to move forward now. Time to look at what is not helping me move forward and assess what needs to go as far as habits and time usage.

So I have been Facebooking to keep myself busy while I wait for endless downloads for my school to complete. These files always take 10-15 minutes or more to load and I enjoy the communications that alleviate the tedium and help me to network with a large group of friends....people I have loved in the past and still but would avoid saying so at all costs. I have a tendency to really feel strong affection for the people around me and it is always a positive to have people around you who make you feel good about them and yourself.

So Facebooking has been useful in keeping me focused on my schoolwork....otherwise it is my nature to walk away from the computer and go outside to be honest. But will I need that as much when I am no longer an online student? When I am in person the conversations will not be unfolding online....they will be unraveling all around me....so I might need to nix as much of my online communications.

I also have to look around and see what is happening with my inner and outer life.

I have a lot more chatter in my head at the present time...it is as if my school has taken an already active mind and pushed it into hyper drive. I think I am going to shift meditation, yoga and prayer back up to my first priority in the morning. It actually seems to enhance my studies too and help me to keep my focus together. I also would like to do more physical again....I know I have problems with my physical health but even so I am strong and very physical. I think I can go back to running when I get down to the coastline. I am going to go back to walking several miles...I used to regularly, 3-5 days a week walk along the Boardwalk to Natural Bridges in Santa Cruz...came out to 5 miles most days, 7 when it was sunny...

All of these things are worth putting my energy into and seem to also make it easy to focus on my work in front of me.

I am not sure what to cut out...but at least now I have an idea of what to add back in to the mix....I did yoga and meditation every day for over 15 years before getting sidetracked by school. And when I was in Italy, my friends gave me prayer books of Italian prayers that have enhanced my ability to feel calm, cool and collected when I utter them in clear Italian at dawn.

I guess I can start today...maybe I shouldn't wait......

My Website Is Back Up....

2013-04-14T18:28:00.002-07:00

I got up and at 'em early today to make my website. www.terripugh.com is now working but I don't have any of my books on it yet. I have less then 3 weeks to earn some money to help me support myself while along the coast at grad school.

If I play my cards right I can put two of my books up for sale and be able to make mostly profit on those to help me make ends meet when I am in school. My big goal is to be able to focus exclusively on schoolwork and home time with Spencer and I am hoping a website can help me market some of my favorite products to boot.

So I hope to buy a cache of jewelry created by my facebook friend that I showcased a few weeks ago....and put them up for sale.and other gifted people who help me stay healthy and surround myself with beautiful things.

I bought my site from GoDaddy.com with the start of buying my own name. I like to use my name because anyone who knows me knows that. Since my blog uses my name too it really is a matter of consistency. So I plugged in www.terripugh.com again and bought it for the third time. Next I spent the morning loading my website...writing pieces to set up the background for my two books. One was from before foreclosure...the other is a series of essays about life after foreclosure.

I hope to also sell my favorite books to read....upbeat stuff about keeping in a positive frame of mind and how to manifest your desires.

I am hoping to get many readers off of my facebook as well...need to really focus a bit on pinterest since I have almost nothing on it. And I need to use my google-plus and tweets more as well. I am hoping this all creates a secondary income that will make it so I can afford to do schoolwork on the side instead of a part time job that will pull me away from my studies or my son.

I am not sure how much I can sell but I find that my blog's readership is going through the roof as far as being read by lots of people....so here it goes....wish me luck...

Grad School and Other Concerns...

2013-04-07T17:52:00.001-07:00

So Joel and I have been a thing for a few weeks now without a breakup...I think we are both feeling good...the upside is that we enjoy one another's company...the down side is that I am moving away soon...

And I am thinking of Grad school all the time while squeezing in my preparations for Monterey both school and living. I also am working at the reporting gig but not doing the best job at it since my computer has had multiple problems..

On the computer front you can't have issues with your computer when you are a student...but as an online student it could have easily derailed me from finishing school all together. I lucked out though since I spent my school money on buying a quality laptop with a guarantee from Staples...

My older computer has lasted through Europe's very different voltages and finally popped without any way that I could turn it on to retrieve information like pictures and documents from other classes.

So I lost lots of info there...but now there is a loss of info in having to take a brand new computer back to Staples and ask them to fix it..

It took a few hours since I had to reload a lot of programs and get information pulled off the old for the new but they did 90% of the work for us....it was awesome...but it still required a lot of information to be recaptured...I am still reeling form the changes...but hopefully I am back on track for my mobile life I have had since leaving Sonora back in 2008...

Now to get on the stick for moving again...but I am now noticing songs about leaving....I have NEVER had a long distance relationship and that is what is the direction we are headed in...Joel is used to such things...but I don't think it will be fun to be honest...

On the Cusp…

2013-04-01T15:21:00.003-07:00

So here I am on the cusp of something great, getting geared up for leaving…and in the end being allowed to leave not in a sudden lurch last month but in a more precise manner. I can now move to the coast in an organized fashion, with at least some of my ducks in a row…so you would think.

Yet I have been finishing off term papers (that was soooo last Monday!!), embroiling myself in a fairly tumultuous yet oddly easy romance, that includes an awesome family along with it…and squeezing in quality time with my 11 year old and today, I start a new term. When did I have a Spring Break? That felt like it was all squeezed into one breath!

Yesterday was simply the most fun I have had on Easter and Easter Eve in a looong, loooong time.

My youngest and I slept over last night at my oldest child’s well appointed apartment…I can hear the hawk’s chicks peeping from a nest nearby and the clock ticking on the wall. My oldest left a bit ago for her long commute to work so it is the dogs, Roxie and Samara, snoring next to me that are my companions as I reflect on my past few days.

One of the reasons I loved Italy so much was the way they had so much lovely ritual in every little moment. My rituals for Easter include dying Easter eggs, hiding eggs that are filled with candy, and as the kids got older…money…but in Italy it included those ubiquitous church bells peeling out their joy all that Easter week.

Easter Eve morning, Spencer and I woke to another child in the house so Spencer went swimming in the pool with her after our long, hot morning walk and he got to dye Easter Eggs with her as well. They both were like peas in a pod…

On Easter Eve…I had the delight of dying the eggs with Joel’s family, playing in the snow up the road, filling Easter eggs with money and candy…and generally having a great time….I went to bed that night wholly happy and satisfied but the kids and I were awoken by the wild intensity of an after midnight lightning and thunder show that was simply awe-inspiring!! It was the day that just kept on giving.

Easter was also equally wonderful. We had a great morning. It was a lot of fun to see the kids go for the 86 eggs that were hidden in the house while the rain poured outside….It was also just plain fun to really enjoy the moment. I was not worried about grades…money, futures or pasts….it was simply living in the here and now. Somehow Joel managed to squeeze in some awesome romantic moments when we were completely embroiled in kid time.

As if the morning and time with Joel and his kids weren’t present enough for one day I got to have my oldest along with me on the car ride down to my sister’s house in a valley town 1 ½ hours away. It was nice to listen to her perspective on things as I drove.

By the time we made it down to my littlest sister’s spacious abode, we call it the swanky 60’s pad even though it is a design from 1947 and a bit of a historical beauty, I had already lived more than a day it seemed inside of that Easter already.

But it was a beautiful day where we lived our typical Easter of the last decade. Om Easter we always get to see our extended family on my little sister’s side and it is always nice to hang out with them…the only down side is that we don’t seem to get enough time in this one day to make up for the year since we last saw one another and I found my attention span worse than usual as I flitted from one area to another but not making it far around the room.

Excellent food as usual and glorious conversation and then back home for sleep….

Easter is one of my favorite holidays since it is so easy….just relax and feel appreciation in a way…for everything that brings us the life we are enjoying…I can do that….

Terri and Joel Part 3

2013-03-29T07:58:00.002-07:00

The Real Beast

I have to admit…I thought Joel’s Beast was scary to begin with…that upset Joel since he is a nice guy…the kind that doesn’t hit or yell or even get upset…but I found that I am not the kind of girl to be scared very often….it has been my experience that no one wants to hurt me, not really. No….so I only get scared when I can’t fathom what just happened.

I was scared on the Bologna train platform ticket in hand, luggage all around and overburdened son in tow. I had been sent to the wrong platform and missed my connecting train…I had no idea how I wound up in this position…I could not afford yet another expensive ticket….but I negotiated with the stationmaster, met the most amiable porter and had the time of my life…so I know that being scared does not have to mean bad things or that I can’t handle it. I can honestly say I can handle whatever life tosses at me.

But I was scared…his “Beast” seemed to come out of no where…I was happily in my own little world feeling joyful, (“my bubble” one of my sister’s calls it!), and Bam!!! I was in trouble with him. And I had no idea what I had done to get there. When I asked what was up…I got nonsensical answers…that made no sense to me like “I am feeling territorial!”

Since I was in my childish scaredy cat mode….I was unaware of my posture being somewhat adversarial.

But with this couple technique we had learned from the 5 Languages of Love, we had learned how to make things less argument and more conversational. The book describes keeping your partner’s love tank full.

It seemed to work at keeping our Beasts placated and our tanks full.

My conversation with Sandy had me realizing we had gone pretty far.

But it isn’t just getting through conflict that makes my time with Joel worth it. The fact is he is fun…whether he is with kids or without. I work pretty hard at my schoolwork but when I play, I play hard too…he is that kind of person. He does whatever he is doing with gusto.

Even though he has Multiple Sclerosis…he is pretty physical….and he lacks fear…I guess that makes him do things even more intensely. I wondered the other day…could I have handled Joel since he is such a doer and I have a tendency towards being a dreamer…before he was slowed down a bit by his MS? Before the label, he snowboarded, waterpolo-ed, played basketball, was a skier, climbed huge tall pine trees and seemed to do everything.

I have the calmer, thoughtful version of him now that could not just charge in wherever he felt like going.

I asked him last week if we can run together.

I did not know that it would require thought or action to get from here to there. I don’t even remember his answer at the time.

Yesterday he came back at me with a whole explanation from his doctor, ‘Not yet. Let’s wait on that….give it a couple of weeks of exercises first.”

Wow. He has MS. I keep forgetting that since he does not act sick. He acts well. He walks normally. Jokes intelligently….is quick on his feet…but he has been avoiding doing things he can’t.

But for now I am grateful. I don’t think I could have kept up with the Joel that didn’t have MS. But I have the feeling he is not an adventure I wish to miss. I also feel like he is going to somehow reverse this dis-ease…or simply make it a non issue, like he has so far with me. It has been my experience that when you love someone nothing that you share is really a burden…it is all part of the adventure.

I figure Joel has already shown me that being with a guy with MS can be fun already. If it is a label…and from where I stand it is and nothing more, he is going to find a way to make having MS an adventure. So I guess for now, I too, see it as part of the fun.

Terri and Joel Part 2

2013-03-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

3/28/13

“So, wait!” Sandy was sounding insistent, “…how did you and Joel wind up together since I saw you last?”

I tried framing my answer as we walked through the grocery store together.

“Well just before Christmas, I was studying Economics really intensely one evening that I didn’t have Spencer. I was already wearing my big huge Victorian nighty and ready for bed as I worked away at my MOOC….you know…Massive Open Online Course…..and I got a text from him…it sort of went on from there…” I didn’t think what I was saying matched the intensity of what happened. It was not easy to go into the way he constructed words in such an eloquent way….he had been both engaging and funny, sexy and classy. He had managed to be so fascinating that we had started at 7:30 pm and went on texting via the phone until 4:00 am in the morning!!

In that one conversation we somehow went from friends kidding around to me fantasizing that he was here sharing my bean bag bed…me with my shapeless Victorian nighty and crazy nightcap with my head on his chest. Nothing naughty…just clean cut romance.

With Sandy I did not manage to convey any of that….we were after all shopping for fruits and vegetables at the time.

“We met in person at the old John Sierra Market parking lot and simply hugged later…but that was a game changing hug, Sandy….he felt just right…and you know how I think like a dog…he smelled right…” My friend Bette gets me most when we talk…she also thinks like a dog. She would know exactly what I meant by that.

Sandy laughed lightly.

“By Christmas we were so close that we were sending texts all the time. When Spencer saw a text from Joel he assumed it was from his buddy….Joel’s daughter and popped it open to read. I was embarrassed to find out that my oldest and youngest had seen a loving text Joel sent about looking into my eyes…” That created a situation since his kids didn’t know yet… and of course neither did mine...we had all only been seeing movies together as a big group. Now we had to work on being sensitive to all the kids so the truth was I denied anything when Spencer asked me about it.

“Anyway,” I concluded the conversation with Sandy, “We have been on again, off again ever since….Joel says we are a work in progress.”

Sandy always cuts to the key to everything. “So you guys are a thing now?”

“Yep.” My answer didn’t say a fraction of what I felt.

How would I put into words the weekend in Strawberry? That was where he had me laughing so hard I cried more than once. We talked all night long, keeping each other awake until the early dawn. We walked the small street noting icicles that were several feet long and slipped on ice that was thick in this intense cold that kept the car from starting. How I snapped a picture for my Facebook profile and he had almost instinctively turned and kissed my hair...he had such a natural and affectionate way about him? How do you describe that?

Or the playful way he named my southern accent, Claribelle? I have had my female Blue Collar Comedy gal voice for as long as I can remember...but only he bellowed back at me from the other room in an equally fun voice calling my alter ego a fitting name. She has been Claribelle ever since.

How do you tell a close friend about the poignant day that I met his grandmother a month before she passed away?

Or that Joel had surprised me in the hospital, taken me home so stoned from some medication at time that I had to be poured from a wheelchair into his car? That particular night he had not only taken care of my son and met my mother, but he had sung me to sleep while I was sappy and sick all at once? He had to deal with me needing help to even reach the restroom....when he left me alone I remember falling asleep on the bathmat and thinking it was a tiny blanket. Eventually he and Spencer found me complaining about the size of the "blanket".

How do I define the intensity of our breakups and getting back together each time? How do I put words to what seemed bigger than words?

Instead I blurted, “Yeah, he seems great…I really like being around him.”

Joel and I had passed a milestone of major proportions this weekend. We had been able to spend a kidless weekend together from Saturday all the way to Wednesday. We had not managed to stay together for over 4 days…the 4^th day seemed to be our epic sticking point where we would always manage to wind up in an inevitable argument that drove us completely apart.

I blamed his “Meanie.” It was this side of him that seemed to randomly pick a fight with me. He also felt that I was suddenly different when these arguments would happen. Like we each had another personality lurking within that ruined everything on purpose.

But this weekend we were armed with a book that Ann had given me. The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. We had been talking about it for weeks. We had locked down that we both spoke the same two languages first…touch and words of affirmation.

We had been trying to touch each other often…you know that nice way some people have of touching your arm when telling you a story? We have a tendency to touch each other’s hair often when kid free. When happily with kids we were less hands on…but even that will probably change with time. Now we were touching a shoulder or hand whenever possible.

And it sure was an icebreaker. Since we both respond so strongly to touch it seemed like it caused us to see each other’s souls or something more easily. It sort of cuts to the chase and squishes out the parts of our conversation that are not as heartfelt.

The other language of love, according to Gary Chapman, that resonated with both Joel and I were words of affirmation. I definitely respond to hearing positive things. It seemed to work wonders to focus on such simple aspects of communication but I felt they really worked.

When the “meanie” appeared…he found his voice and told me how he felt instead of simply being dismissive and mean, (from my childish perspective). It was amazing how much warmer I felt when the “meanie” turned out to have a personality of his own that was in fact somewhat loveable too. We decided to change the names of those other less desirable personalities to “beast” like the character in Beauty and the Beast. It takes Belle a bit to understand the Beast and when she finally does it is up to her whether the Beast is too scary and something she would never choose to live with or simply another facet of a person she loves.

Terri and Joel Part 1

2013-03-28T09:15:00.000-07:00

3/28/13

Yesterday, I ran across my close buddy Sandy. She ranks as one of my best friends, yet in true typical Terri fashion I had not spoken to her in months. I followed her around though now, as she did her shopping at my old grocery store where I had worked.

“How are you doing?” she chirped in her usual cheery fashion.

“I am on again with Joel.” I blurted. Of course he was on my mind….he and I had just managed to pass a huge milestone for us…we had spent 5 days together and not had a blow out! I was ecstatic.

“What !!?”her voice got loud as the shock of what I said resonated with her, “….the guy you had over at Mike and Ann’s when I was there?”

That was when I realized that life had moved fast in the last few months. Sandy and I had not talked since Christmas, and Joel and I had been together only since then. Her confusion showed me how much things had changed for me in a very short time. Well, really it was a long time in the making but it sure had stops and starts in it.

We met over the kids a couple of years ago. Our kids had already been very good friends. I already knew I really liked his daughter and that day I met Joel and his son.

I was meeting them in Santa Cruz where I was living and my boyfriend of the time once again did not want to join me in the activity of dropping off my son with Joel and his kids. So once again, I went without him.

I found myself meeting Joel at a McDonalds I particularly despise. The food is as OK as McDonalds can do but the restrooms are horrendous and homeless people there are unusually rude to the kind friendly staff. It gets on my nerves.

Spencer and I were embroiled in our latest read…book on the table in front of us when he and the kids jumbled through the door.

I noticed he was handsome….which was strange since I didn’t usually notice that in men. I was with someone and though we were both dissatisfied I have an intensely loyal steak, but I noticed Joel’s outer shell, and I was aware he was a nice looking guy. Great smile.

I was supposed to be dropping and running, but I decided to show them how to get to the boardwalk and where to park.

Then I stayed with them, hanging out until all my money was gone, late at night. We had squeezed in a dinner out, Joel’s treat, a boogie boarding excursion and a full night on the boardwalk. I have the pictures to prove it.

I have to admit I thought about him long afterwards. I thought it was a reflection of how unhappy I was in my relationship at the time, but no, I think it was indicative of something more.

Our kids kept hanging out until after our return from Europe. I invited his kids over and had the fortune of him staying. I was struck again by how much I liked talking to him.

My oldest daughter knew him well and liked him…my youngest also felt the same way about him. Joel is big on play…he likes to play games in the car, aloud and at home. I could see why he caught their imagination.

He is intelligent, worldly and a local, not a combination that you can put together every day and wind up with a prize. When I spoke of European destinations I had enjoyed he had memories of his own that sparked conversation. When I talked about San Francisco and Bay Area life, he had decades of experience to countermand the conversation with since he had been a successful contactor down in The City. In fact he was more well versed then I with it since he has actually lived there while I have not.

He also was articulate….he had a command of words and ideas that was sort of exceptional. I also noticed his political thinking mirrored my own…his outlook was as cheery as mine and it stood out that he was appreciative too.

I usually notice people in a flattering light so none of this was that amazing but there was another quality there…he felt good to be with…in a way I can’t describe. It was a sort of feeling like a puzzle coming together.

There is a song that reminds me of how I feel with him….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XX5Dan0VE7w

I hope this song is good consolation to me when I am off at grad school hours away from here in a month or so.

A Spring Full of Promise....

2013-03-21T16:01:00.000-07:00

I dragged myself out of bed again at 3 in the afternoon.

I had been up since before 6 am but the bulk of my chores were complete before lunch.

One of those chores was to follow through with an appointment I made the other day to take my CA Driver's License test. I knew my record was immaculate but I never received a pin number to renew...what with all of my moves lately I figured I just got lost in the shuffle. So here I was all studied up and ready for my test...on the practice tests I had only missed one, but I was still nervous...for school I take many tests a term, but this one is far more important. The privilege to drive is crucial to any CA, old or young, we all take it seriously.

The other most important thing was to take another picture...I have been saddled with a wretched looking, tired faced slog of a picture for a few renewals...I was desperate for a new one. Now people wont comment on all the weight I lost I hope...

I left bearing my new temporary license and the assurance that the new one will be coming weeks before the old one is unusable.

That made me laugh!! I turn 50 in over a month and I finally have dealt with this sort of thing at the right time!! Usually I am racing through this on the last few days...but not this time...give a girl a half a century to learn something and here I am proving it is possible to figure out some stuff!!

And my other big news is that I have been accepted at the only grad school of my choice!! I knocked off all the cool European choices to roll into this old favorite that has been my longtime desire since 1980...

Even though that is what is on my mind...I am dragging myself through a tedious round of slow pokey colds that leave me tired and exhausted after something as simple as a shower.

After a morning of successful endeavors...and a lunch with Joel and my son...I should have been zipping full boar into my last papers for classes I love...yet I fell asleep for an hour while my son played video games with his faraway brother. I fell asleep to him laughing and chattering away with him.

Even though I looked nice today...I dragged myself out for a walk with the dogs, donning a knit cap, big warm boots my sister gave me and my warm OSU sweatshirt...and I still was not warm enough in the sunshine...but gosh is it pretty outside...the grass is green...the breeze was fresh and spring-like and the delicate little buds were popping out on all the hundreds of oaks around the beautiful house.

This spring feels full of promise....

Petitioning For More...

2013-03-19T08:16:00.002-07:00

Sunday I worked away at school papers. Within minutes after I turned in my written assignment we found out my Ex hubby, one of my best friends was on his way up to hang out with us!! Spencer and I had a great time going to the new Oz movie, (James Franco, the all powerful Oz, looked just like Joel to me), and just being most of our family. After all 4/5 of us were together. My oldest, my youngest, my Ex and I had a blast being glued to one another's side for a couple of days. My older son was too far away to play with us.

We went up to a high country spot we consider to be a sacred family spot...sojourning there for years...petitioning the Universe with scrolls filled with wishes and requests.

This time I had a scroll filled with new requests since all of the old have been granted. After all I am a few short weeks off of another college graduation, I have traveled to some cool places and experienced some awe inspiring changes. It was time to touch bases again.

This scroll, rolled up and wrapped with beaded blue wire, asked for fun ahead, grad school for me and a happy life in our next great adventure.

While I attended to my dreaming the guys indulged in a very wet snowball fight as they walked another nearby summit.

I sat on the throne and marveled at how much the vegetation had grown since I was here last...at least 5 years ago.

I was overcome with peace as the dogs explored the area around. I had the calm feeling it was all going just as planned and that it was entirely possible to have my dreams of being employed soon in a professional position be fulfilled.

I smiled. It would be so nice to be self sufficient financially. And working in a professional capacity.

I also want to buy my own Disney passes and zip down on weekends that I do not have papers due.

I would like a life with comfort and ease...a 3 bedroom house. A decent car to drive that is not only stylish but reliable. To be able to travel for fun too and eat out on occasion.

I don't need a fancy life...just a more comfortable one...and it almost feels like the next logical step.

Now when I do these relaxing lists...I like to go back and change the "wants" to "haves"....

I am self sufficient financially. I have my own Disney passes. I have a life of comfort and ease and a 3 bedroom house. I have a car I love. I travel for fun. I can afford to eat out on occasion.

Then my recipe is to walk away from my prayer and see what happens. I just don't worry about it after that. I kind of feel like when I do I am letting the Universe figure out what is next...and at its pace I seem to wind up doing just fine.

A Dark Place Gone Light...

2013-03-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I found myself at the DMV. For my international readers I should explain what the Department of Motor Vehicles is to us Americans who spend a lot of time abhorring our very government that we hate and revere all at once.

A Californian worries for weeks before visiting the DMV...fretting about when to squeeze in the trip and knowing that beyond any doubt...there is a miserable time waiting for them at the hands of a government bureau fraught with red tape. I think that is why everyone I know waits until the last minute to deal with anything that deals with the place even though it really holds our most dear possession in a sense...our privilege to drive.

I was fortunate since I was not waiting until the last minute but instead attending to my license renewal which is coming up soon but not today or this month even. I could drag my feet and relax in here.

I walked in and there was a smiling Joel. I know, what is wrong with me? The guy is everywhere. And the hard part is that we always seem to have such a nice time even though we are not a thing anymore. And I am getting geared up to move...there is no chance this is going anywhere...right?

But he was there easy laugh and all. I worked my way through the lines of bureaucracy with a smile and a companion as I found out that my driving record is spotless as usual...my car is not in the CA system since it was purchased in Oregon and I made an appointment to take another written test to drive with plenty of time in case I fail to retake the thing.

Usually the room is heavy with anxious people getting ready to part with the ungodly sums us Californians shell out to drive on our roads and pay our officers to ticket us.

Today, though I was tired and overworked on schoolwork and other things...I felt somewhat serene. It could have been sitting next to a guy with a cute smile or it could have been the sheer scope of good things that seems to be dazzling the corners of my vision...but even one of the darker experiences of any Californian's life...a visit to the DMV...seemed...I don't know, fun.

There, I said it. I had fun at the DMV. The guy behind the counter was funny, handsome and nice too. He had remembered me at my supermarket checker job from a few months ago and he was really helpful.

I had to admit it was just really nice to be there.

مرحبا

2013-03-16T05:26:00.001-07:00

So I have been adding to my "Dreambook" that I cart around adding new dreams. There are new additions adding my grad school choice and what Spencer and I want our new house and life to look like there along the coast in a new/old favorite town in California.

It was always one of my favorite places to go with my parents when I was little. One of my favorite memories is when dad and I climbed along craggy tidepools, dad toting his ubiquitous camera. My sister, now the blond bombshell, always lagged behind and mom always stayed close by her. She was always so much calmer then I was....

When I am in this old city I feel like I am a new explorer like that kid in my memory. I don't think the version of me exploring alongside my amazingly strong father ever worried about whether she should be right at the forefront with dad or not. She knew she would do fine and she was only there since it was the most interesting place to be at that moment.

I want my now one and only grad choice since I am convinced it is the most interesting place for me to be right now. I think Spencer will enjoy exploring it alone with me. We can have a blast.

They sent me a note saying that I was nominated for scholarships and admission by the committee. I was thrilled by the email. Let's hope that means I am in the realm of making it in, or at least it might be a possibility.

I hate to say it...thinking I might jinx myself, but I feel like it is going to happen....almost as if it was meant to be...I mean I have dreamed of this place since 1981. All the languages and culture. I had a paper I found recently of my old yellowed sheet describing the exciting experience of studying there. I had sent for it in the mail in 1980.

I just have to relax and trust...I chose Arabic as my study language again so here it goes...I spent $45 on Arabic CDs to listen to in the car to rehash what I already know...I am geared up for the jump...just waiting another week for word if I have been accepted...السلام عليكم

My Dream Book....

2013-03-13T09:04:00.001-07:00

So I have a way of dealing with life's uncertainties.

When things seem out of control and my stomach feels out of sorts, I know it is time to focus instead on what I want. I find at each change things get....uncomfortable...and I crave some idea of what I want. When I am out of touch with what I want in life it seems like sometimes I even get what I have been asking for and I don't even see it since I wasn't at all sure of what I wanted from the Universe.

In fact in truth, I find that most of the time for me...when I am not sure of what I want...all sorts of things turn out to be what I was asking for or thinking about or praying for with out knowing it...that I really did not want in reality.

I think of it as trying to live consciously...I have to admit though that it might not be anywhere near the right way to live or anything but it is my way...and I am sticking with it for now...

This is the time when I pull out a Sketchbook I bought before Europe.

The first pages are filled with pictures I drew with my son using colored pencils of our walk in Santa Cruz that was a main focus of ours before we left. Last time I was there a year ago drawing these images...we had no idea we would not be returning to our life there in SC....there they are...the soft color of colored pencils drawings...an otter lazily floating on the water...a lighthouse in the distance...that was my daily reality before our trip...so I drew it...

I also had pasted in 15-20 postcards with images I thought were fun...for me there are the usual things...I carry in my wallet a picture of Albert Einstein sticking his tongue out...a Tibetan monk making a peace sign while wearing sunglasses and a free Tibet pin over his official sacred looking garb...reminding me that Spirit is fun...fun is Spirit....

Steve McQueen is sitting atop his motorcycle in 1963's The Great Escape to remind me it is OK to try stuff...I scribbled a line from Van Halen's song..."Go ahead and jump...might as well jump!"

I left many blank pages and found myself filling them in with Spencer as we flew around Europe or rode in buses...or walked around...or sat in airports...or in a lovely Welsh Police House. We drew with the colored pencils in little metal tins we dragged all over Europe...I wrote a poem I learned in the Abruzzo from my friends there about September and the time of the Sheep Migration.

I wrote about what we were doing...what I wanted to do and what we had done...

Before grad school...I have to sort of refocus...what do I want? So I am going to spend a bit dreaming....with my sketchbook...and it makes me feel, I don't know...calm...and nice...and I read it when I feel unsettled...and I feel better....

Clarity and Smoke....

2013-03-11T05:33:00.000-07:00

We just spent 4 lovely days involved with dear friends at the Celtic Faire in Sonora. They loaned me renaissance era clothes and I bought a few pieces and we found ourselves having a true vacation from our own life....what a blast!!

I tried to get an idea of what was important since I have so much on my plate what with moving, school, figuring out transportation and nailing down a good job and home in Monterey. Instead I found myself immersed in Elizabethan Guilds, Pictish Vikings...smoking a fire breathing dragon, (when I flipped a switch the mystical beast's fog machine rolled into fluffy white motion) and spending quality time with my son. What a nice healthy weekend of pure fun.

Since I had to buy a new computer I have had an impossible time getting any video or pictures to load...so there are no cool shots of the fire breathing Welsh dragon yet to share but it is a really nice thing to have felt such release from all the things that I enjoy but weigh me down to some degree. It makes it all the easier to focus and gain some clarity now as I tackle my school work for a couple of hours before my youngest wakes up.

Goodnight...

2013-03-03T21:22:00.001-08:00

My computer time has been considered premium since my internet has been spotty and my loyal laptop has been dead since a few days before I last wrote in here. Most of my computer time has been spent on schoolwork where I am nearing the end of my term and getting my application into my grad school choice once Europe got tossed out of the picture.

If I work at it I think I can get in ...I chose Arabic as my language of choice since I can't choose my first choice which is Italian. I am hoping I make it into this school and I am also gearing up to move over as soon as I finalize things...I have no money for such an endeavor but I feel confident I can find something again.

This time I am also excited about a different kick to the proceedings...I am hoping to be able to find work while in grad school...I really want to leave the ranks of poverty stricken students and support myself in the manner I wish to become accustomed to....(that quote is Ali McGraw from Love Story)...

I received three Letters of Recommendation...two of which I was fortunate enough to read...made me cry in one case...I don't think of myself as the kind of person that people would say such glowing things about. I now need to start working towards finishing up my BA from OSU's online program. I had an apppointment with my counselor on Friday and she gave me the good news that I was not behind as I feared..and instead I am on schedule for graduating in June from Corvallis...

Which makes me want to just try to swing going up for my graduation...I can meet my favorite professors...and my three favorite people who probably made it all happen...a bookstore guy...an ECAMPUS liaison and an excellent counselor. Wearing the cap and gown again and going up for maybe a couple of days seems outlandish since I can ill afford a trip to my next town much less Oregon again...but I really want to go. I think I am ordering my cap and gown anyway...just in case...it can be a present to myself in any case...

And today was once again a first chance to see Joel after our last and final breakup...today we were just our kid's parents...it went much better this way....I wound up sitting next to him at the theater...which was so uncomfortable that he actually cracked up when the kids suddenly switched and left a gap open next to me...forcing him to sit there...uncomfortably next to me...

But the movie was funny and his sense of humor was nice to be next to...he laughs at all the right spots...I think we both pulled off friendship really well...

A few more times like that...hopefully... before I move away and I am positive we can be good friends...instead of the whole romantic thing that felt good but soooo did not work. Then we can do visits when I am gone and it will be alright...gotta clear that up BEFORE we go...

Overall...I feel more accomplished then messed up this week and that is a good thing for anybody to admit...and tonight I am planning on doing a rare thing for me...I am going to go to bed without reading anything for school...or like the good mom to my son...and tomorrow...(Gasp!!)...I plan on SLEEPING IN...something I only very rarely do...if I am lucky I will make it to 7 or 8 am instead of my usual 4 am...I think getting in my app by my March 1st deadline deserves a great reward....sleep is just the thing for me...and now I can afford it...

And on that note...G'night!

Running Into The Storm...

2013-02-24T13:22:00.001-08:00

Life rolls along with amazing surprises...stressful surprises and cool ones as well.

I received the best Letter of Recommendation I have ever seen about me Friday, reconnected with an amazing friend yesterday and poured out my rather full soul on Sunday...

Sometimes it is easier in my book to ignore the truth and run for the facade....and sometimes we have to run into life head on and hope we don't get hurt in the process.

I picked a headlong run into a brick wall yesterday...which I have to admit was infinitely superior to waiting for it to hit me in the head...and I was grateful. And I realized how deeply I love all the people around me and what I am willing to do for them.

Often I joke about life being better when we pull the ostrich with his head in the sand techniques...but sometimes that is not enough either. I am the last person to look stuff in the eye...if I can help it....I would always much rather run from then run into the storm....

But the storm is a great place to find out what we are made of...I like what I am seeing about me...

Endorsements...

2013-02-22T14:30:00.003-08:00

Usually I don't endorse much here on this blog...just me and my slightly raw emotions rolling out in a stream that moves in fits and jerks...but I had a pair of earrings...the most vibrant blue...and some silver moons...they made me feel good...they weren't too big, (though let's face it... I love huge earrings!) but they always felt so nice...

I eventually left them somewhere and I have often thought of them...I found out today she sells the stuff...after years of not having them...I just figured out I can replace them...just i ncase you are interested...here is the link to these lovely creations...

http://wrappedtogetherjewelry.webs.com/

Today Has Arrived

2013-02-22T10:29:00.002-08:00

As I immerse myself in my studies...my personal anesthetic...I ran across an amazing fact in my Policy Studies class...According to my textbook, "The federal income tax that was passed by Congress in 1914 had a top rate of 7%; less than 1% of the population had incomes high enough to be taxed. Today the rate is 35% and half the population pays income taxes."

I can see now how this whole thing got started! The mid-western farmers and poor southerners were trying to make the rich railroad tycoons pay their fair share...but somehow it is now way off the mark...especially since many big companies are hitting our news for not paying taxes while most people I know pay something when it comes around to tax time.

How crazy is that? Or interesting at least....

Tomorrow is Another Day

2013-02-22T07:54:00.005-08:00

Tomorrow is Another Day was not written by me but it has turned out to be true all the same. Yesterday was bleak and the day before was a roller coaster of crushing defeat but EVERY single crushing defeat has given birth to good stuff so let's see what is in store now.

I am using my access to a friend's excellent computer speed to make up for lost days on schoolwork and I also have to turn in my invoice for my fun reporting gig which has been quiet for 2 weeks....during my down time with limited access to the computer I missed a stabbing in a nearby town and a structure fire. But the next round I can devote better time to it since my computer cord should be showing up soon and I am going to work on making sure I can use fast service elsewhere.

Today I don't miss Joel as much...and I am feeling more capable of doing things.

But yesterday reminded me of darker days I have gone through. My question is, "How come change messes with my self esteem?"

I swear, it felt like I was questioning every part of my character and make up in general. I felt creepy self loathing and sorrow like it was a normal state and it surprises me now to analyze it since I generally understand I am a valuable person. In fact I really get the fact that EVERY person is valuable.

Having a double whammy of changes thrust on me that really cause a huge shift in my plans makes me feel like a homeless person or a world traveler. In some ways they feel the same. I can speak from experience.

When I was traveling the world, my son and I were constantly dragging around our belongings in our bags. I joked often that we were turtles as we carted around our clothes, toiletries, souveniers and keepsakes as well as stationary items through every airport, train and bus.

Because of my internet issues and the idea of moving up my shift to Monterey, I am now carrying my dog's food, my clothes and bed things, toiletries and every one of 20 schoolbooks along with me as I wind my way from my beloved Schnoogs to my buddy's house to use a faster internet that can handle the streaming I need for documentaries etc....

Anyway, it sure feels better to be here then where I was yesterday in the dark pits of despair. Here I feel confident and movement. There is only occasional pangs of self loathing that seem to extinguish themselves as if they were never meant to be. Yesterday they seemed to feed themselves and engulf all of me in minutes.

I suppose that everyone is allowed their moment of sorrow, but I sure have to say that it really bites if you ask me.

I release you Kind Funny, Joel...and I move forward on the move to Monterey, Terri, to show my confidence in you. I will be accepted and I am going to succeed.

Two Bricks and a Vow.....

2013-02-21T19:58:00.000-08:00

When it comes to love I have to admit that I have been experiencing a much more violent form then my much happier sisters. Love often seems to hit me much like a brick to the head.

I have loved very worthy men. My husband was one and deserves my adoration still.

I think Joel does too...but it is obvious to both of us that we can not spend a long weekend, 4 days together and stay happy.

Right after I wrote that piece I found my heart on the floor and the proverbial brick to the side of the head...if he had not been such a good match it would have felt good to part...instead I have spent the last two days licking wounds that are far deeper then I care to admit.

I just finished a marathon session of silently snivelling into a blanket and getting over him.

I was hit by two bricks yesterday and I think that one hurt just as much...can't go into it...but it still is crushing...and add to that the frustration of having internet and computer problems while finishing off one of the last terms of my BA level work at OSU...and my aggravation is EXTREME!!

So it was definitely time for a solid good long cry...I thought I cried enough for a year with the last round of letting go of Joel...I guess that was why I tried it one more time...he felt the same obviously or we would not have given it one more shot.

I wish I could be as cavalier as I was last time I was jilted....it was hard to notice while I was having the time of my life in Italy or Wales...but right now the pain is acute and I am embarassed to admit to succumbing to a marathon session.

It was my Ex who dutifully sent me texts to life my spirits and after he got my text Joel as well....

I will feel better tomorrow of course...but today is not a great day and yesterday was worse...but I have noticed a pattern I do believe in. When bad stuff happens something good always comes of it...but if I ever give you any advice when it comes to romance my advice to you is to laugh and ignore me...anyone else is bound to be a better advisor then me...but I can admit that I have gotten it right before and I know it is not impossible because I have lived happily ever after before and someday...I will again. We can bank on it.

What Nice People!

2013-02-20T00:25:00.001-08:00

I found myself stuck in the neighborhood watching their inner workings and figuring out that these were just really nice people.

I walked my Samara...my black and white dog...or to put it more honestly, she walked me, around the neighborhood. I have been the outsider since I have only been visiting, but everyone was chit chatty when I took the dog out before the snow...but afterward, it was as if the ghost of Christmas Past had decided to plant himself on today as well. The cheer was infectious as I found myself embroiled in an amazing scene.

All the children and adults filtered back in as the afternoon unfolded and they were thrilled with the weather and the mounting snow. The usual sounds of children outside playing, (and adults talking), in this very social neighborhood were multiplied as everyone seemed to need to be outside in this sudden storm.

As I walked around the loop, I noticed many of the people living here had congregated near the busy road at the entrance to this little dose of suburb in the country.

It warmed my heart to realize that there were about 6 people or more helping the stream of trapped motorists. There was a man directing traffic and many who were pushing cars who were stuck. As I spent hours there hanging out, group after group were pushed, pulled and helped out by this clump of really nice folk. Over and over I feebly jumped in when I could to dig out snow around tires, put down plywood planks and mostly help push the cars. Sometimes I felt I was making a real difference. I knew beyond a doubt that others were making a huge difference.

As we hovered around trying to help the latest group of cars get home, there were young moms bringing the children up to a safe distance to watch and also enjoy the weather.

I have lived in this county for decades so it is no surprise to me that people are nice...but it was a surprise to me that so many people braved the freezing cold wet weather to just be helpful. I think usually I am holed up in the house making soup or walking the dog in my yard. This showed me that more often then not people are just plain nice.

As the sun started going down and the traffic seemed to dissipate, I talked to a couple who had been out in that storm doing an immense amount of the rescuing I witnessed. They gave me their names so I could quote them in my news story I want to send in. The site I work for might not use it since I am so new...or they might not be interested in this sort of story about nice stuff but I am writing it and sending it in tomorrow anyway. But I just could not get over how this couple sort of represented this little subdivision they live in...they helped a girl who was younger and had to figure out how to put on her car chains in the middle of the street. Out of kindness, they had also been guiding many others over how best to get on their way. He was soaked to the skin within a half hour of me getting to the scene so he must have been cold for hours in his wet sweatshirt. Yet they both lingered around waiting until there was no one left to save.

Aside from this couple, the rest of the team fluctuated and changed as some dropped out to go home and get dressed or take care of their kids. Always a new batch seemed to emerge as new people got home and came out to help.

I thought that sort of says it all about why I am glad to be back home....even if it is not for long..it is still a treat to be here with such nice people!

When it was all said and done I measured 6 inches of snow on the fence post outside!