Texas Lipstick Massacre

American Horror Story: Season 2 preview

2012-03-04T17:19:00.004-08:00

Jessica Lange (Constance), Zachary Quinto (Chad Warwick), Evan Peters (Tate), Sarah Paulson (Billy Dean), and Lily Rabe (Nora) will all be returning to the second season of American Horror Story. While the actors will be returning to the show, they will not be returning to their previous roles.

It is rumored that besides the return of a few actors, the setting and premise will be entirely new. From what I can piece together from multiple sources, the new show will be taking place in a mental institution.

Jessica Lange who won a Golden Globe for her role as Constance, will be returning as the complete opposite of her previous role (as will all of the returning actors). In fact, co-creator Ryan Murphy is quoted as saying in this interview:

“We have designed the second season of American Horror Story completely around her character. Last year Jessica came in with Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott. This will really be the Jessica Lange show so I’m very excited about it. We are designing this amazing new opposite of the Constance character for her. She and I have spoken about different things. She has a lot of ideas, and has a lot of input into her character. She told me some things she has always wanted to play as an actress. She’s a great collaborator and a great friend.”

This appears to be a smart move as Jessica Lange is the actress with the accolade and the lengthiest history of winning praise. The real question will be if the show will attract the same fans and praise of it's previous season with an entirely new plot, setting, characters, premise. . . really it's going to be a completely different show, isn't it?

Podcast Episode 4 "Space Stuff" we talking outer.

2012-03-03T13:04:00.000-08:00

New podcast is up featuring Jamie Brinkman with Bobby Ensminger and they talk about space stuff.

MP3 here: http://saltandpink.com/podcast/TLM%203-2-2012%20Space%20Stuff.mp3

Itunes here: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/texas-lipstick-massacre/id497801381

They talk about Firefly, Star Trek, Star Wars and how much George Lucas sucks, and Mass Effect 3!!

The Walking Dead episode 211: Judge, Jury, and Executioner previews.

2012-02-27T18:38:00.000-08:00

I have to say, season 2 part 2 of The Walking Dead has been moving along and much more interesting. Moving away from just having "the farm" as a set piece has done wonders and rekindled what made the first season so good. For those looking for all three sneak peeks of episode 211: Judge, Jury, and Executioner, look no further.

The Raven (2012). Let's talk about what the hell this movie is.

2012-02-27T08:24:00.002-08:00

So most of us, especially anyone in the United States has read Edgar Allan Poe's, The Raven. Most may not understand what it's about, but you at least know about it. The poem has been animated into one of the Treehouse of Horror episodes in The Simpsons, and even Christopher Walken has audio of him reading it, which is a delight. To sum it up for those who haven't read it or remember it, The Raven tells of a talking raven's mysterious visit to a distraught man, who is slowly descending into madness after the loss of his lover, Lenore. Sitting on a bust of Pallas, the raven seems to further instigate his distress with its constant repetition of the word "nevermore" as his dementia sets in.

A little history on Poe and the poem, it first appeared in the New York Evening Mirror on January 29, 1845. Printed twice, it became immensely popular and made Edgar Allan Poe a household name and national celebrity. Readers began to identify poem with poet, earning Poe the nickname "The Raven". The poem was soon widely reprinted, imitated, and parodied. Though it made Poe popular in his day, it did not bring him significant financial success, as he later lamented, "I have made no money. I am as poor now as ever I was in my life – except in hope, which is by no means bankable".

Poor dude, he was poor forevermore.

Here, you can listen to Christopher Walken read the entire poem. It's quite awesome.

So as Hollywood is ought to do, unable to come up with an original idea, they have taken The Raven--a license-free and public domain idea--and as you would expect, bastardized it. I dare say, an even bigger bastardization than Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes movies.

Here's The Simpson's version, sadly I couldn't find the full animated version.

The upcoming movie entitled The Raven, is an American thriller film directed by James McTeigue, who directed V for Vendetta. It's going to star 2012 apocalypse survivor John Cusack (who has dipped his toe into horror before with the films, Identity and 1408), Alice Eve and Oliver Jackson-Cohen. It'll be released on April 27, 2012.

The Raven (2012) movie trailer in all its terrible glory

So, what's the story? Well, it has nothing to do with the poem that's for sure, or Edgar Allan Poe's life. I mentioned earlier Guy Ritchie turning Sherlock Holmes from a sophisticated sleuth into a slapstick comical action movie farce. Well, it seems McTeigue plans to do the same with writer Edgar Allan Poe.

The film's story plans to tell of the last days of Edgar Allan Poe's life, in which the author pursues a serial killer whose murders mirror those in Poe's stories, because the only way to stop the serial killer is to have the person who wrote the stories or something...

Poe teams up with a young Baltimore detective played by Emmett Fileds (Luke Evans) to hunt down the serial killer. As the attacks continue, it appears someone close to Poe may become the murderer's next victim, and raises the stakes higher yadda, yadda, yadda, dribble, dribble, blah.

It should come to no surprise that Hollywood likes to shit all over things, but this one really hurts. Considering, at least to me, that he is one of the forefathers of horror and very revered in my opinion. If you're going to do a "Poe" movie and modernize it, just take one of his existing stories, but no, I'm sure a bunch of people in suits thought that would be a "bad idea" or "boring" and this fictional take, which sports Cusack as Poe running around with a pistol, as a good idea.

The actual Poe claimed to have written the poem very logically and methodically, intending to create a poem that would appeal to both critical and popular tastes, somehow I doubt this movie will appease to either. If the movie turns out good, I'll eat crow, or rather, raven.

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead. Another bizarre zombie movie, this time from Japan!

2012-02-24T13:47:00.000-08:00

What the hell is this... I'm not too sure. I don't even know where to start. The tagline is "We are going to flush you!" So, there is that. I mean, zombies back up into you with their ass? Is this a movie with a lot of fecal matter? Does it have a lot of Japanese school girl porn? There's a Human Centipede-like moment where a two people are impaled with a giant bamboo stick through the anus to the mouth. What the...?

TLM Podcast "Spirit of Vengeance" is up!

2012-02-21T10:40:00.000-08:00

Newest podcast is up as we have a divided debate on the quality of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. We also, talk about some of our own toughest women in horror movies/sci-fi and Bobby rips apart Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. Chrissie also mentions some of the weird words put into Google that land people on our site. There are some weirdos out there, for sure. It's fun for the whole family!

Listen via Itunes here: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/texas-lipstick-massacre/id497801381

Listen via MP3 here: http://saltandpink.com/podcast/TLM%202-19-2012%20Ghostrider:%20Spirit%20of%20Vengeance.mp3

Nick Cage, stealing souls and freaking out.

Blech, this sucked... no pun intended.

Toughest women cards, by Bobby.

Zombibi, the greatest movie of 2012? I think so.

2012-02-21T09:59:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder why people don't make more Shaun of the Dead style films? I know I wonder this often. Well, it looks like the Dutch have heard our cries with Zombibi, and trust me, I'm going to do whatever I can to get a copy of this movie with subtitles ASAP.

Holy crap, does that look amazing or what? The film was just released on February 16, 2012 in Belgium. God, I need to see it.

I Am Legend 2? Say What?

2012-02-21T08:37:00.000-08:00

Well, rumor has it that Will Smith and Warner Bros. are moving ahead with an I Am Legend 2. It also looks like it may be a sequel and might still have Will Smith in it... I have no idea how that's going to work. Considering that the movie, released in 2007, has made over $600 million worldwide, I'm sure the producers are drooling with anticipation to cobble together another zombie-vampire apocalypse with The Fresh Prince.

Akiva Goldsman, who won an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind, and was the original co-writer/producer of the first Legend film, is said to be on board for its sequel. My question is how? The original book has such a finite ending (that the film didn't follow at all) and the reworked ending for the 2007 film has *spoiler!!!!* Will Smith die, that I have no idea what they are planning on doing unless Big Will comes back as a zombie, or indeed he survives the huge grenade blast, which c'mon; that'd be preposterous.

Rumor has it however, it may also be a possible prequel. That makes more sense, at least in terms of having Will Smith back. From this interview, this is what Will Smith had to say about it:

"Will Smith: We have a fantastic prequel idea…we’re still trying to work through a couple of bumps in the story. It’s essentially the fall of the last city – the last stand of Manhattan. The movie would be…within the body of the movie D.C. and then Manhattan would fall as the last city. It’s a really cool idea trying to figure it out…there’s a reason why we have to take a small band and we have to get into D.C. So we have to make our way from New York to D.C. and then back to New York.

Collider: Will the dog be back in it?

Will Smith: Yes, the dog will be a puppy."

Okay, I'm sold on an I Am Legend 2. I'll buy my ticket right now.

So there is that. I guess it could work... I mean I've heard and seen worse, but part of what made the first movie "kind of" work (despite basically shitting all over Richard Matheson's original tale), is that there was danger present at all times. You never really knew if the dog or Will Smith was going to survive. If the movie is a prequel... well you don't have to worry about them surviving at least for that film.

I would much rather prefer to see Will Smith as a zombie of some type in a sequel. That's a role he's yet to do. Welcome to urff.

Okay, either this or the puppy and Warner Bros. will have a hit on its hands.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance Review

2012-02-20T19:31:00.000-08:00

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, isn't a horror movie. We know that. We bent the rules however, because there wasn't a lot coming out to review and it has to do with a demon from hell, so that's kind of horror related, right?

And I'll be honest, I had some high hopes for this movie. I'm one of those people who root for Nicholas Cage, I really do. I know the man is terrible with his money and has to take really shitty roles to make ends meet, but I also know he's a hardcore comic book fan, and I always feel that he is getting to live his dream playing as Ghost Rider.

Which hurts my heart to say, but I'm just going to come out and say it--the following Youtube clip I'm about to post is more entertaining to me that the entirety of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Go on, watch. Tell me that you don't smile, laugh, and then replay it.

That felt good didn't it? You know why? Because you just got to see an entire video clip of the Nick Cage's signature "freak-out." He's particularly good at it and it's always very enjoyable to watch. It's what people who "admire" Nick Cage, wait for in his films. Hell, my cohort Chrissie gets excited for his films solely for the anticipation of the freak-outs. In fact, I'm not even sure he really acts anymore in films, rather he prepares for a role drinking a little absinthe, talking to himself in a mirror, and then lets the cameras start rolling.

That said, there are a few good moments in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance where Cage gets let off his leash to go nuts. In fact, the first time this happens is an agonizing 25 minutes into the film where the preceding events and story the film is trying to set in place are so boring, I couldn't stop checking the time every few minutes. The scene in particular comes when Johnny Blaze (Cage) is interrogating a man and puts a cell-phone in his mouth to shut him up. You'll know it when you see it and it's easily the most memorable scene in this otherwise pointless movie.

It's not quite this crazy, but it's close.

And mind you, I didn't have high expectations for this film and I tend to like the "he's so bad he's good" Nick Cage. Kick-Ass and Bad Lieutenant in particular have great Cage moments, but this film just wasn't doing it for me.

I have a lot to dislike about this movie, so lets get cracking. First, Marvel has been kind of riding high on their franchises as of late. Captain America, Thor, X-Men: First Class and the Iron Man movies has all been received well by critics and fans over the last few years and the upcoming Avengers move is riding on a cloud-9 level of hype. I would have hoped that some of that quality control would have carried over, but sadly, it does not. Spirit of Vengeance is directed by Crank 1 and 2 directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, which those movies are known for their absurdity. Again, I wished some of that would have carried over as well, but sadly it doesn't. What we are left with is a movie that has a very inconsequential story that I personally couldn't have cared less about with a few moments of Cage sparkle.

The first half of the film however, has a rather lifeless Cage, who mumbles and slurs through his dialogue of this particularly lame Satanic story. Breaking it down as best a can; a Satanic prophecy is brewing, in which Satan must capture a young boy who is his son of sorts, and born by a human woman played by Violante Placidom. When the boy turns 13 and on the dawn prior to the Winter Solstice, Satan wishes to perfom a ritual on the boy so that he may transfer his essence into the boy's body, and rule Earth. In order to achieve this, Satan hires goons to kidnap the boy (because he can't do it himself due to his "frail, human form") and a priest, aware of the upcoming doom, convinces "the rider" to stop all of this from happening.

For a movie that has Satan in it and a vengeful soul-eating hellspawn with chains that burn people to ash on impact, you'd think a lot would happen or some big showdowns, but never once does it feel like any of the villains are a threat to Cage's "rider" character. Instead, you are left with an entire movie where the boy gets kidnapped, retrieved, kidnapped again, retrieved again and kidnapped once more. And the latter half of the movie has no climax either. No big comic-book fights, no huge set pieces worth remembering. Nothing... just stuff that happens for stuffs sake to progress the plot to the credits. That's really it, and nothing to invest yourself into.

That's essentially my problem with the movie. There are no interesting characters at all in this movie. Satan played by Ciaran Hinds, is goofy and never really imposes any threat. The side characters Moreau played by Idris Elba as a drunken, fun-loving French priest, never really add anything except to show up when he is needed, a brief role by Christopher Lambert as monk is rather pointless, and side-villain Johnny Whitworth as the contractor the devil hires to find the boy/gains super villain powers to decay things--is given little to do except show up at the right/wrong times in order to keep the dreadful story going.

The entire movie is one long drag waiting for Cage to show up either as Johnny Blaze or the Rider and do something, anything to bring this movie to life. Even when he does show up, he only goes off the rails in a few scenes that turn into hilarity, and honestly, sitting in a crowded theater I felt embarrassed to be watching this movie and the lady sitting in front of me who covered her face with her hands because she too, laughed at the absurdity of the film and seemed to be covering her shame, felt as I did; that we've been ripped-off. To give it a metaphor, this movie is like eating a sandwich with no meat and few pieces of chocolate. The chocolate is good but the rest is filler and doesn't go with the chocolate. That makes sense right? Sure it does.

Not to be confused with chocolate sandwiches,
those are delicious.

While the special effects are good, and Cage is particularly entertaining here and there, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is an utter waste of time. There are better Cage movies to see him go nuts, and there are better superhero movies, especially ones dealing with hell, aka Hellboy franchise. As the movie was coming towards it's end, I felt myself dosing off during it and it was 2:30 in the afternoon when I saw the film. Save your money, and see a better film, unless you need something to help you go to sleep.

Review: 1 out of 5

What to expect this week on TLM

2012-02-17T16:11:00.000-08:00

Here's your meme

2012-02-16T11:12:00.001-08:00

Pretty acurrate, no?

Toughest Women in Horror and Sci-Fi: Ellen Ripley

2012-02-15T14:44:00.000-08:00

Let's be honest here; in most horror movies the female role is usually reserved for dumb idiots with fake boobs that have no character depth past being stabbed in said tits. They are usually victims.

Once in awhile though, film makers decide to break the stereotype and make their female characters really strong and full of a will that cannot be broken.

This article started out as me doing a "top 5 toughest females..." blah, blah, blah article, but I decided as I was doing it, that I would like to give these female roles a little more credit than that, and I also found a lot more than five females.

Therefore, I created "super hero" cards based off how awesome I think these female characters are in the movies/shows and I tried to represent their cards based off their prowess.

Hopefully, I got it right and I'll be doing more of these. Let's start with my favorite female badass first.

Ellen Ripley (Alien franchise)

The ultimate queen of all badass females in horror/sci-fi.

Let's do a rundown of each film and how they make her such a badass:

In Ridley Scott's Alien, she is the sole survivor of the movie. After arming the self-destruct system of the Nostromo's, the large space ship to which all her crew gets brutally killed, she manages to escape the ship in a small shuttle.

In that shuttle, she manages to fight the Xenomorph one-on-one by forcing it out of the shuttle, shooting it with a grappling hook and burning it with the ships engines. So that's pretty gnarly, and for a creature that killed several people, she kills it alone.

The comes Aliens, the James Cameron sequel. A whole squad of Marines die horribly to the Xenomorphs. Again, when trying to escape and save the orphan Newt, who has been left behind she burns the lair of Xenomorph eggs pissing off the Queen. Ripley then, again one-on-one, fights the queen in a exosuit cargo-loader and sends the queen into space off of their docking ship.

Ripley, pure badass.

In Alien 3, she helps lure the Xenomorph into molten lava and cools it down rapidly, forcing it to shatter. She finds out that she has a Xenomorph implanted in her and is given the option to take it out of her and survive, but decides to kill herself by jumping into giant furnace as fearing the people who wish to retrieve the specimen have ulterior motives. I know I couldn't just kill myself if someone told me they could save me and I'd live.

Finally, in Alien: Resurrection, she's brought back as a clone of her former self, only this time she's more badass and arrogant than before. I won't mention the "alien sex scene" as I mentioned that in our Valentine's Day podcast, but the movie has moments of grandeur despite its absurdity.

Card Stat Rankings:

Intelligence: 4/5. Ripley is smart and definitely cunning. She has consistently outsmarted the Xenomorphs which kill trained marines time and time again. She's not a rocket scientist, but she's pretty damn close.

Fighting Capabilities: 5/5. There is no denying that Ripley can handle herself. She knows how to fire giant machines guns, use a grappling gun to kill a Xenomorph, and pilot an exosuit to battle a Queen.

Resourcefulness: 5/5. This is all part of her cunning. Ripley is always the voice of reason, planning, and aware of her surroundings. In the second movie she points out that the marines cannot fire their weapons because of the explosive nature of their surroundings, and it takes a quick thinker to out smart the lighting-quick reflexes of a Xenomorph.

Luck: 3/5. She's not totally unlucky, after all she manages to survive until the third movie with outrageous circumstances. Let's be honest though, every time she tries to escape a Xenomorph is on board her ship, and when she does escape, she crash-lands with a Xenomorph on board. Even after dying she gets re-cloned to come back and fight more aliens, and that's just luck a person wouldn't want to have.

Valentine's Day: Podcast Episode 2

2012-02-14T15:28:00.000-08:00

The second TLM podcast is now available on itunes. Chrissie and Bobby review The Woman in Black as well as their Top Romantic Horror movies, just in time for that romantic holiday we all love to hate. You can download it on iTunes or at the link here: TLM Episode 2.

Also, continue reading for TLM Valentine's Day tips which hint at some of the movies we discuss:

Brush your teeth.

Get your hair did.

Get up the nerve to ask out that weird scientist you've been admiring.

Get a babysitter for the kids, preferrably not a woman wearing black.

Maybe even invite a few of your friends over for dinner.

Whatever you decide to do this Valentine's Day, I can guarantee it pairs well with the Texas Lipstick Massacre podcast, unless it has something to do with Applebees. Nothing pairs well with Applebees.

The Walking Dead Alternate Intro

2012-02-13T13:32:00.000-08:00

I'm really like season 2.5's new intro for The Walking Dead!

Now, where is Balki?

Oh, there he is!

Review: The Caller (2011)

2012-02-09T07:30:00.000-08:00

In 1979, phone calls were terrifying. There was no caller id, much less voicemail so when movies like When a Stranger Calls was released in 1979, the phrase, "We've traced the call... it's coming from inside the house" was poop your pants scary. In The Caller, the premise is similar.

Recently divorced Mary (Rachelle Lefevre) moves into a new apartment and begins receiving phone calls on the land line from a woman asking to speak to Bobby. Assuming it is a wrong number, she tells the caller that she just moved into the apartment and that it must be a mistake, but the woman calls back again, and again, and again. Eventually the caller confesses that she has been in love with Bobby, but he hasn't been the same since and he just got back from the war, the Vietnam war. Mary finds this weird, a little too weird.

Mary becomes annoyed as Rose begins to call everyday, sometimes more than once (anyone with a grandma can probably relate), but Rose has ideas of her own and decides to prove to Mary that ignoring her calls is a bad idea.

When a stranger calls I fart all over myself in fear

What I like about this film is that it doesn't mess around, the strangeness begins within the first 5 minutes of Mary being in the new apartment. What Mary doesn't know is that when she moved into this apartment, she has moved over into a land of both shadow and dark... into an area... we call... the twilight zone.

It's all downhill from here

This film got a limited release, but I don't really see why. It has decent actors, an interesting plot, and a snappy script. The first half of the movie has some great dialog that paints characters quickly. I was also surprised by how creepy it was in parts, the tension really builds with little release as Rose begins to torment Mary. Did I also mention that Stephen Moyer from True Blood is also in this movie. He plays an Italian engineering teacher, which is a bit of a stretch, but refreshingly not that wishy washy Bill from True Blood crap.

Buon Giggalo

I really liked this film. It relies on both psychological and physical terror which makes it genuinely unsettling. Also, I think there are only 2 jump scares in the entire film, which I believe is the exact number of jump scares that fulfill the horror movie formula without going overboard. It was a lot scarier than I expected too, so much in fact, that I had to watch Evil Dead afterward as a palate cleanser, because old ladies scare me a lot more than zombies.

Review: 4/5

Review: Burnt Offerings (1976)

2012-02-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

This house is familiar. In the film, it hasn't aged a bit over more than 500 years, and well, in reality, this house was used as the funeral home in Phantasm. Not only is this house familiar, but the story isn't new to any viewer either.

Marian (Karen Black) and Ben Rolf (Oliver Reed) have decided to rent a house for the summer with their son Davey (Lee Montgomery) and Ben's Aunt Elizabeth (Bette Davis). Driving up to the house, they assume something is wrong, as the house is a worn down mansion, much too big for just the four of them, but after speaking to the current owners, a brother and sister couple by the names of Arnold and Roz Allardyce, they realize it is no joke, but there is a catch. They can rent the house for only $900 for the entire summer, but they have to bring food to the elderly Mrs. Allardyce who will be staying in her room at the top of the landing.

Need a ride to ... hell?

Things become immediately strange as the house seems to take hold of each of the visitors in different way. Pictures in the hallway show the house in different decades, with little change to it's exterior. Upon arrival, Aunt Elizabeth, once a vivacious older lady begins to sleep in and suffer from a sudden case of forgetfulness. Marian becomes possessive of caring for Mrs. Allardyce, forbidding anyone to visit that wing of the house. Ben's anger becomes quicker than usual and he begins to have nightmares and visions of a hearse driver from his mother's funeral, which makes Ben do strange things like try to drown his son in the swimming pool and frightfully crush an almost full beer can with his bare hand all over his face and hands.

This is acting ya'll

The film has moments of terror, but overall, the film is slightly dated. The acting is a little melodramatic. Okay, a lot melodramatic, none of these characters ever react subtly. It's also unclear exactly why they want to spend the summer out in the middle of nowhere. It's almost like Marian has become employed as the maid, because she won't stop shining and cleaning everything. Doesn't sound like my idea of a vacation at all.

Now this is a vacation.

The tension does culminate in an interesting turn of events, but by then, the release of tension is probably a little too late. I enjoyed parts of this film, it has some iconic images, but overall, there isn't anything that would make a viewer wish to give it a rewatch.

Review: 2/5

Creak

2012-02-02T22:27:00.000-08:00

This is a neat short film from writer and director Luther Bhogal-Jones at Faster Production's offshoot label "Sincerely, Psychopath." The short is the first in their series of "Disposable Screams."

In summary, a creak wakes a female couple in the middle of the night, but is it only a creak? Or something worse? "It's 4 am and somewhere, something has opened..."

Check out the video and if you like it, don't forget to subscribe to their feed and leave some feedback! Cheers!

Creak from Faster Productions on Vimeo.

First Podcast

2012-02-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

Hey all, I just wanted to let you all know that our first podcast is now available. This is our first time podcasting, so we aren't experts, but I hope we are at least interesting and hopefully funny.

Bobby and I discuss the dumbest horror movies we have ever seen and what got us into horror movies.The list includes; Jack Frost 1 and 2, Rubber, Ott: Or Up With Dead People, Dolls, Deathbed: The Bed That Eats, and more! The podcast is available on iTunes, just search "Texas Lipstick Massacre," or you can listen here as well: MP3 of Texas Lipstick Massacre podcast!

Let us know what you think and if you enjoy it, please leave a review on iTunes, comment here or on our Facebook! Below are some trailers so people know what we are talking about and have a little visual reference.

This trailer basically gives away the entire plot of Dolls:

But there is always Death Bed to be vague enough in it's intentions:

Patton Oswalt talking about Deathbed

Jack Frost 1 and 2, not to be confused with that Michael Keaton bullshit

And finally, Rubber

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark gets neutered

2012-02-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the scariest books in the library? The ones with the mediocre folklore stories, but the ridiculously disturbing illustrations? I remember in my school library, Alvin Scwartz's collection of Scary Stories didn't even have a cover anymore, because it had been checked out so often.

"Mom, I swear, it was a clownhead smoking a
corncob pipe, growing out of a cemetary."

Well, if you don't remember, it won't really matter anymore, because those iconic images are getting whitewashed out right out of Alvin Schwartz's books. In celebration of the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark's 30th anniversary, publisher HarperCollins will replace Stephen Gammell’s artwork with the artwork of Brett Helquist, the illustrator for the Series of Unfortunate Events books. Can't be that bad right? Wrong.

Take a look at this example:

The original:

"OMG YOUR FACE JUST
EXPLODED EVERYWHERE!
NOT THE SPIDERS! THE SPIDERS!
THE BABY SPIDERS!
OH AH OH AH OH AHHHHH!"

The new edition:

"Oh, is there a little spider walking on my face?"
*brushes it away with hand*

The difference is not just noticeable, it's considerable. How many kids do you think will want to read Alvin Schwartz's collection of scary stories now that they have taken all of the danger out of the book? Sure, the stories are still scary, but the illustrations were really what made this book desirable in comparison to all the other collections of spooky stories in the school library. It felt like you were looking at something, you weren't supposed to and yet the librarian would hand it to you freely. I believe, when books have to compete with television for kids attention, I don't find anything wrong with a little shock value.

These kids should obviously read more books

Plus, Gammell's illustrations aren't even half as obscene as anything kids can watch on television. If anything, they provoke kids imaginations to grow, pushing them beyond the boundaries of their wildest dreams or in this case, nightmares. I can understand why a parent would want to protect their child from nightmares, no one wants to comfort a crying child in the middle of the night, but on the other hand, why not? Especially when it can be used as a learning opportunity.

Why not teach your child, that as a parent, you are going to be there for them in the middle of the night when they are scared, and that for their wild imagination spinning horrific images that go bump in the night, you can buy a nightlight. For that creaking sound of the door closing slowly in the middle of the night, WD40. That strange sound before they go to bed? It's actually your father's GI problems.

Little by little, your (future imaginary) children will learn how to filter out the real from the unreal and overcome their fears. Let's teach them to be rational, because won't that better serve them in their future lives, rather than trying to sanitize everything before it reaches them?

Maybe your kid won't grow up to be a jerk if you did

For more original to new comparisons of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, please visit: Buzzfeed.

Source: Flavorwire, Buzzfeed, Adventures in Poor Taste

Top 10 Most Depressing Horror Movie Endings

2012-01-27T12:58:00.000-08:00

WARNING SPOILERS ARE AHEAD!

The title of this top ten can be a bit misleading. Most horror movies, by nature, typically never end well. They almost always having some twist or "gotcha" moment at the end of the film to try to get one more scare in or lasting impression of dread.

Even some of the movies in this list by categorical standards may be stretching what a horror movie is, but I tend to believe that horror is something that would be a "horrible" situation to be in, after all that is where the namesake comes from that we classify it as.

That said, I tend to think movie makers are too scared to test audiences into a true sense of dread or understanding. For example, I Am Legend by Richard Matheson is one of my favorite books of all time, with a delicious, surprising and depressing twist ending. When the Will Smith movie of I Am Legend was released in 2007, I immediately knew it wasn't going to be anything like the amazing book. A tale of the last man on earth trying to survive a newly inhabited world of vampires. Of course, I was right. The ending was absurdly stupid.

Well... not, "Welcome to urfff" stupid.

To my surprise however, the 2007 version of the movie was supposed to be more like the original ending of the book. As always however, the producers of the film thought that this ending was too "depressing" or audiences wouldn't get it. You can see the ending on the "extras" of the DVD. I was going to post it here, but Youtube pulled the video down. :(

I think Hollywood underestimates us trying to scale endings back so that movie goers are "happier" when they leave a theater. This list best exhibits directors and movie-makers who weren't afraid to go further and truly test its audience with some truly depressing and soul-crushing endings and show that those movies are great because of it.

10. The Decent (2005)

I have a terrible fear of claustrophobia with caves. You can put me in a narrow closet or crowded elevator and I'll be fine, but something about inching your way through caverns of rocks terrifies me. My fear, I feel, is justified. Who wants to be buried by tons of boulders, impaled by a stalactite, or plummet down a black hole of the earth? No one, that's who.

The Decent, directed by Neil Marshall, the central focus is on main character Sarah, who's husband and daughter died in a car wreck where she is the only survivor. To help cope with the pain, a year later her friends convince her to go on this adventure to explore a fairly "routine" cave.

Seriously, cave-diving is for crazy people.

Sarah's friend, Juno, has convinced the group that they are going spelunking in the Boreham Caverns. While in the caves, the group decides to take a break for lunch. During the break, Juno tearfully apologizes for not staying in Scotland during Sarah's time of grief. They continue on and while crawling through a narrow chasm, Sarah gets caught, panics and the chasm manages to collapse blocking the group into the cave. Juno then admits during the tension that the group is in an unexplored cave, trapped, and people believe them to be at the Boreham Caverns, not in this undiscovered location, making rescue impossible.

By this story alone, we'd already have a pretty good, tense and scary movie. Nature versus mankind can always be a good antagonist and the struggles and egotism of others to try to overcome it can provide for a thrilling movie. However, the movie really comes in the stride as the group tries to navigate their way out of the cave, and comes upon blind, man-eating dwellers and Sarah finds out that Juno cheated with Sarah's husband prior to the accident.

Another reason not to go into caves...

Stuff goes bad, people start getting eaten and one of the best horror movie scenes of all time, in my opinion, happens in this film; when Sarah has to watch one of her friends get eaten alive in front of her.

Sarah in the chaos of when the creatures first attack, gets separated from the group and knocks herself unconscious. She wakes up a short time later , inside this seemingly endless cavern of bones. She is just about to move, when one of her friend's body is dropped from a hole in the ceiling, and the monsters swarm in after it, and tear her apart.

Sarah takes out the video camera with night vision that they were using to film the cave and tapes them doing it. The sight of what they're doing makes her sick, and she starts to throw up, when a the monsters turn and looks right at her. She notices they are blind and has to sit in silent horror as they continue ripping her friend apart.

The Ending:

The American ending of the film, sadly follows the above I Am Legend trope of censoring a "happier" ending for the audience. In that version, Sarah manages to be the only one to find her way out of the cave and escape the horrors. It's actually done very well as the scene when she breaks out of the cave and gasp for air while freaking out and screaming is very impacting and emotional after all the hell she has experienced. She makes her way back to the car they came to the cave in and while driving away, she pulls over and vomits. When she leans back into the car, she is startled by the ghost of Juno sitting in the passenger seat. Cut to credits.

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!

The British ending however, is delightfully morbid. Taking the same cues from the American ending, when the camera shoes Juno in the passenger seat, instead of cutting to the credits, the scene shows Sarah awake from a dream still at the bottom of the cave. The voices of the creatures can be heard coming closer to her and are increasing in number as they close in, the movie cuts to credits. Just to recollect, Sarah's husband and daughter die at the beginning of the movie, her friends all die and she watches one get eaten in front of her, she finds out her friend Juno cheated with Sarah's husband, and she waits at the bottom of the cave, only to be certainly eaten? The British are mean, but without the American ending, I guess we wouldn't have the direct-to-home sequel would we? The Descent British ending.

9. Jacob's Ladder (1990)
Jacob's Ladder, is a great movie about schisms. The duality of reality that Jacob Singer has to go through between his happy life with his family and the hallucinations with suffering of cheating with another women and seeing crazy images makes for a truly cerebral horror movie.

It has inspired several other mediums. Video games such as the Silent Hill franchise and Twisted Metal: Black reference it. In music, bands such as Avenged Sevenfold, Nevermore, UNKLE, Therapy, VNV Nation's and probably tons more. Rightfully so that it has inspired very dark and violent video games and metal music; the imagery in the movie is messed-up. Seriously, watch this video, and see what I mean.

Jacob's Ladder: Inspiring metal music for years.

Jacob Singer (Tim Robbins) is a U.S. soldier in the Vietnam War. Jacob's unit comes under heavy fire and while under attack, his unit begins to go nuts for no apparent reason. Jacob attempts to escape the unexplained insanity, only to be stabbed with a bayonet by an unseen attacker. The film then shifts back to modern day 1975 where Jacob is working as a mailman in Brooklyn dating a woman named Jezzie. It is also revealed that prior to the war, his son Gabe and wife Sarah died. As his new life after the war and as a mailman begins, he starts having two kinds of hallucinations; the good kind and the really bad kind.

The Ending:

After having good and bad hallucinations on and off some that consist of having sex with a demon, being run down by a car with demons in it, having a super hot "hellish" fever that's killing him, and being wheeled through the worst hospital ever, you are lead to believe that Jacob is a victim of experimental drug called the "Ladder" that was used on his squad which is making him have the hallucinations.

Five-star hospital here.

The truth however, is in the film's title. Referring to the biblical story of Jacob's Ladder, or the dream of a meeting place between Heaven and Earth (Genesis 28:12), it's fairly apparent early on that Jacob's hallucinations are of heaven and hell, and Jacob is actually dead and stuck in a purgatory type state. It turns out the "Ladder" drug was named for its ability to cause "a fast trip straight down the ladder, right to the primal fear, right to the base anger."

As such, his entire squad was exposed to the drug and actually killed each other, ripping each other apart. Jacob never made it out of Vietnam to the mail room/Jezzie relationship; the entire movie was his dying hallucination. Before the film credits, an on-screen title card states that reports of BZ testing by the U.S. Army on its soldiers during the Vietnam War were denied by the Pentagon.

Interesting fact, the film's director Adrian Lyne used a famous body horror technique in which an actor is recorded waving his head around at a low frame rate (the part in the creepy hospital with the guy who's head goes all crazy with no legs), resulting in horrific fast motion when played back. In a Special Edition's commentary track, Lyne said he was inspired by the art of the painter Francis Bacon when developing the effect.

Francis Bacon art: the perfect picture to hang in a church.

8. Seven (1995)
I might get a little flack over considering Seven a horror movie, I mean it has a serial killer in it, horrible things happen, but it's really a thriller/cop drama. I remember however, in an interview with Rob Zombie, he was asked what his favorite "modern" horror movie was and he easily pointed to Seven. I also watched this movie when I was 11 in theaters (I have great parents) and shortly after my dog died, so it sticks out a bit more in my memory.

The plot is fairly simple: David Mills (Pitt) and William Somerset (Freeman) are police detectives working in a undisclosed crime-ridden city. Mills is a new recruit and eager to prove himself and get promoted and Somerset is about to retire and worn-out on the evils of the city. Both however become deeply involved in the case of a sadistic serial killer who meticulously plans murders based off the seven deadly sins of Christianity: gluttony, greed, sloth, lust, pride, envy, and wrath.

As it turns out, Mills has moved to this horrible city so that he can move up fast in his career. His ambitions are so high, that he doesn't pay a lot of attention to his wife Tracy (Gwyneth Paltrow), or notice that she hates the city and is pregnant. During a dinner where they invite Somerset over, she tells him that she is pregnant, but when Somerset presses why she hasn't told her husband, she tells him she is undecided on keeping the baby and fears raising it in the city. This key bit of info plays out big in the depressing ending.

He later left his wife to go be a crazy anarchist...

Anyway let's go through the kills that lead to such an awesome movie:

Gluttony: The one that kicks off the whole case. Mills and Somerset find this victim is tied to a chair and forced to eat himself to death, although Somerset concludes it was probably a kick to his side that split his stomach that probably finished him off.

Greed: the victim is a lawyer that was forced to cut away a pound of flesh in payment for the greed he has shown in his career.

Sloth: Mills and Somerset find a drug dealer who has been strapped to a bed for a year in a chemically induced coma. There are several air fresheners around to prevent the smell, and the body is stick and bones. Upon think the body is actually dead, it turns out the body is alive and has been strapped to the bed they find it at a year ago to the day. The man dies of shock after coming out of the coma.

C'mon, this is A+ horror movie material.

Lust: Mills and Somerset find the victim, a prostitute who was stabbed repeatedly in the v-jay by a "client" wearing a bladed S&M device. The client claims he was forced by the killer to do so at gun point.

Ouch...

Pride: A young model whose face had been mutilated by the killer, yet he does not kill her. Instead he gives her the ability to live with a disfigured face or pills to kill herself. She chooses the pills over living with a messed-up grill.

The Ending:

After returning to the station from the "pride" murder, the killer, John Doe (Kevin Spacey) unexpectedly appears to them and offers himself for arrest, with the blood on his hands. They find out that he has been cutting the skin off his fingers to avoid leaving fingerprints.

Doe convinces Mills with a reluctant Somerset to take a bargain where Doe will lead the two detectives to the last two bodies (envy and wrath) and confess to the crimes, or otherwise will plead insanity.

Doe directs the two detectives to a remote desert area far from the city; along the way, he claims that God told him to punish the wicked and reveal the world for the awful place that it is while explaining each murder.

All three arrive and a delivery van approaches. Somerset intercepts the driver, leaving Mills and Doe alone. The driver hands over a package to Somerset. While Mills holds Doe at gunpoint, Doe mentions how much he admires him, but does not say why. Somerset opens the package and recoils in horror at the sight of the contents.

Somerset races back to warn Mills not to listen to Doe and that he has the upper hand. Doe reveals that the box contains Tracy's (Mills's wife) head. Doe claims that his sin is "Envy"; he was jealous of Mills' normal life, and killed Tracy after Mills failing to realize what good of a life he had and putting his career before his wife. He then reveals to Mills that she was pregnant and to Doe's delight, finds out that Mills didn't know.

In a heated exchange, Somerset begs and pleads with Mills to not do anything, as this is what Doe wants, but is unable. Mills turns and shoots Doe in the head and several more times thereafter on the ground. Thus fulfilling "wrath."

7. Funny Games (1997 Austrian & 2008 American)

This is definitely a "love it or hate it" film, no doubt about it. The entire movie is pretty much a big middle finger to any joy you might have inside of you. Directed and written by Michael Haneke, he did both the original Austrian version and American remake, with the only differences being language and location only. Everything else as far as story goes is the same, so choose your poison; it will certainly feel like you've drank some watching this film.

The depressing nature of this film seems like maybe Haneke's point about blending realism and fantasy wasn't getting across. Haneke states that the entire film was not intended to be a horror film. He says he wanted to make a message about violence in the media by making an incredibly violent, but otherwise pointless movie. Maybe it's because the actors are really convincing at the terror going on in this film, but what you get is really nothing short of a torture-porn film without all the gore.

The plot of the film involves two young men, Peter and Paul, who hold a wealthy family hostage, Anna, George and their son Georgie, and torture them with sadistic games.

The film tries to convey it's "lighter" message by breaking the fourth wall several times with one of the villains, Paul. He winks and smirks to the camera, asks the audience if they think the family will live through the night, and even rewinds the movie after his partner, Peter, is killed by one of the family members trying to escape. Peter then picks up a remote, rewinds the scene--the scene actually goes in reverse motion--then states, "that isn't how this story ends."

"Don't worry, we are going to torture and kill these people and as
long as I keep winking at the camera, it's not depressing, right?!"

The Ending:

This movie has a few climaxes. The first and most gut-wrenching comes from a scene where Georgie manages to escape the house. In doing so, he goes to a neighbors house only to find out that family, including their little girl that was his friend, has also been killed. In the house, he finds a double-barrel shotgun and grabs it. Paul, chases after Georgie into the house and Georgie takes the gun and tries to shoot Paul with it, only to find out it's not loaded.

She does have a nice body though.
Paul takes Georgie back to the house, and at this point Anna and George have been tied up and beaten pretty badly. Paul and Peter begin to play a game of "eeny meeny miny mo" as to who is going to be shot. Paul leaves it to Peter to decide and walks out of the living room to the kitchen to get food because he is hungry. While in the kitchen, he hears a gunshot, guess who takes the bullet?

It's bold killing a kid in a movie and very depressing.

Paul gets upset at Peter for killing Georgie because he has ruined the suspense of the film if the kid is going to survive or not for the audience. Because of this, the killers leave the house with Anna and Georg alive and still tied up. In a moment of Last House on the Left, the movie leads you to believe that the parents will escape and or get revenge leaving you with some happiness even after the death of their son. Hell, the remake of Last House on the Left didn't even have the girl die because that's just how audiences these days are tuned, everyone wants a happy ending. Remember the rewind scene from above that I mentioned? Yeah...

The killers come back only to recapture Anna who tried to escape and give her the option of who dies first, her or George and how that end comes. Well after a game of reciting a prayer perfectly, Anna gets to choose, instead reaching for the shotgun and shooting Peter. That's when Paul rewinds the movie and when Anna reaches out for the gun the second time after the rewind, he grabs the gun from her hand. They shoot and kill George.

After being emotional and physically defeated, they decide to take Anna out on a small sailing boat, while she is still bound and gagged. There is a glimmer of hope for her, as she finds a small knife on the boat to try to cut herself loose. The killers notice her attempt and laugh catching her. They casually throw her overboard still bound and gagged, and dock at another nearby house starting the cycle over with a new family.

This sure is a depressing movie...

The movie isn't gory at all and you never see the violence. Haneke deliberately avoided showing those depictions, and the movie is supposed to show that the good guys don't always win like the movies show us, and that reality is really harsh sometimes and very depressing.

6. The Wicker Man (1973)
I must be thorough in saying this post is entirely in reference to the 1973 version, not the 2006 version starring Nicholas Cage. That version is a campy clusterfuck of a movie where Nicholas Cage punches everyone. No, the original weaves a horrific tale of an investigation on a small European town with heavy paganism that's a delicious treat.

The story centers on Police Sergeant Neil Howie receiving and anonymous letter to find a missing girl on the isolated island of Summerisle. The girl has been missing for a number of months and her mother is not really searching for her. Due to the island's isolation it is unlikely she could have left by herself, or abducted.

The 2006 remake isn't without its merits though.

Howie is devout and celibate Christian, meaning he is still a virgin, though he plans to marry soon. He travels by seaplane to the remote island and upon investigation of the missing girl, learns that no one knows who she is, has ever heard of her, or is willing to talk about her.

During the investigation, Howie becomes upset that the society of the island worships the old pagan, Celtic gods of their ancestors and the people of the island sex-it-up openly in the fields, teach their children in school the phallic importance of the maypole, toads are placed in the mouth to cure whooping cough, and the island has no Christian ministers or priests. Its church and graveyards have long been desecrated and are now used for the idiosyncratic burial rituals of the locals, who believe in re-incarnation.

Sounds like a good place to live, actually.

Howie continues his investigation, but encounters difficulty in extracting information from the islanders about the girl, who claim never to have heard of her, and even her "supposed" mother insists does not exist. He eventually finds a gravestone bearing the girls name on it. This puts Howie in contact with Laird.

Upon meeting Laird, Howie is introduced Lord Summerisle and learns of the island's history that they became fruit farmers and worshiped pagan and nature gods so that they would have good crops. As the crops came in, the people of the island began to denounce the Christian God and the clergy on the island driven away.

Howie learns the island decrees that the Christian god is "dead". This outrages him and, Howie demands permission to dig up the grave where the little girl's tombstone is. Howie believes that such a religious community is incapable of murder, and upon digging up the grave reveals only the body of a hare. He angrily confronts Summerisle once more, declaring that he believes that the girl was murdered as part of a pagan sacrifice and that he intends to bring the full weight of the law upon the inhabitants of the island.

Or perhaps having a cheeky laugh?

The Ending:

Upon trying to find justice for the "supposed" murdered little girl against Summerisle, things begin to unravel against Howie's good intentions. Breaking into the local chemist's shop, Howie discovers a negative photo of the previous years harvest, with the little girl he is searching for, in front of a pathetic group of fruit boxes. Thus indicating that last year's harvest was a poor one and that the crops—the island's only means of income—had failed.

Howie draws the conclusion that the island is trying to appease to the "old gods" for the bad harvest, and the that little girl is indeed alive and that they may be sacrificing her to appease those gods so that the island's upcoming harvest will be plentiful.

He tries to leave the island to get more officials to come to the island to make and arrest and prior to his departure is even seduced by one of the women on the island, but keeping to his faith and honesty, avoids the temptation, which sadly will cost him is life.

If he just would have had a shag, he would have lived!

"Yeah baby!" That's still relevant, right?

His plane is sabotaged and he us unable to leave. He doesn't allow this to interrupt his investigation and begins to try to find the little girl himself. He finally finds her during a festival as she is tied up ready to be burned at the stake.

Howie manages to cut her down and runs with her through a narrow cave, only to be stopped by a large mob of islanders. The little girl who was acting afraid and scared at the stake, embraces the islanders leaving Howie confused. They began to surround him and capture him.

Lord Summerisle explains to Howie that, he was specifically chosen and lured to Summerisle because a sacrifice needed to be made to their Sun god for a good crop harvest. Lord Summerisle explains that, "animals are fine, but their acceptability is limited. A young child is even better, but not nearly as effective as the right kind of adult."

Howie's devout Christian lifestyle and career as a policeman mean that he meets the outstanding criteria for a human sacrifice in that he has come of his own free will, has the power of a king and he is a virgin. He cries out while the villagers tie him up and put ceremonial garbs on him that the crops failed because fruit was not meant to grow on these islands and that next year the sacrifice of Lord Summerisle himself will be called.

The villagers lead Howie to the summit of a cliff where he horrifyingly sees a giant, hollow wicker man statue. He is then locked inside and the statue set afire. The islanders surround the burning wicker man and sing the Middle English folk-song "Sumer Is Icumen In." Howie curses them in the name of God. The film ends, with a righteous man who only wanted to do well and find a missing girl, with the burning head of the wicker man falling from its shoulders and the sun setting in a crimson sky.

5. Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom

One of the most controversial films of all time, this 1975 Italian drama film written and directed by Pier Paolo Pasolini is truly soul crushing. Some may argue is it really "horror?" Remember, I classify it as being put in a situation that is truly horrible or horrific, and it doesn't get much worse that this movie.

Based on the book The 120 Days of Sodom by the Marquis de Sade, the movie depicts insanely graphic scenes of violence, sadism and sex. Because of its graphic portrayals of rape, torture, and murder—mainly of people thought to be younger than eighteen years of age—remains banned in several countries to this day.

What's more depressing than the actual movie, the film was Pasolini's last film, as he was murdered shortly before Salò was released. That's some Twilight Zone shit there.

He was murdered by being run over several times with his own car... good God.

The film focuses on four wealthy, corrupted fascist libertines after the fall of Benito Mussolini's Italy in 1944. These aristocrats decide with their enormous wealth that worldly possession bore them and pay to have a total of eighteen teenage boys and girls kidnapped and take them to a private mansion in Marzabotto. They then due some extreme shit to them, and by that I mean they make the kids eat their shit and the aristocrats themselves eat their own shit. It's nuts.

Coprophagia! Yummy! Look it up.

The Ending:

For four months the kids endure extreme violence, sadism, sexual and mental torture. The film is said to explore the themes of political corruption, abuse of power, sadism, perversion, sexuality, and fascism. I'm not sure this comes off too well today. By modern standards this movie is the epitome of torture porn. And you'd think, that after watching this two hour gut-wrenching movie, one of the kids would make it out alive, or survive, or something happy would happen? Nope.

Some of the kids get killed off early for having affairs for one another, or getting close to one another for comfort (I mean, being with each other was the only happiness they had). The end of the film, the remaining victims are murdered. Prior to being murdered, each aristocrat takes a survivor and tortures them mercilessly by scalping, branding, and cutting their tongues and eyes out.

The final scene of the film shows two young soldiers, who had witnessed and collaborated in all of the prior atrocities, dancing and listening to merry music, completely ignoring the teens being murdered outside. This is supposed to be a metaphor for man's indifference to other men's suffering. To me it's like a battering ram to joy.

4. Inside (À l'intérieur 2007)
Part of the new era of French horror films, Inside is an insanely violent home-invasion horror film. Now, I normally hate home-invasion movies especially in horror.

The reason is, I find it very hard to believe that the intruder knows their way around the owners house better than them and can prolong that into a long game of cat-and-mouse. The only film I think successfully does home invasion is actually Home Alone, and that's because the intruders are put into traps over and over again and don't know the house better! In fact more horror movies could learn from Home Alone in my opinion.

Home Alone: home invasion done right.

The film has a pretty simple premise Expectant mother Sarah, gets in a car wreck. In the car with her is her husband who does not survive the accident. She does as does the baby in utero. Months later on Christmas Eve, Sarah is making final preparations for her delivery the following but is still very upset and depressed at her husband's death, and alone at home (or should I say home alone, zing!) wanting no company.

That evening, a mysterious woman arrives at Sarah's door asking to use the telephone to call for help. Sarah lies that her husband is sleeping and she does not want to be disturbed, but the woman tells her that she knows her husband is dead. When the visitor persists on coming in, Sarah, a professional photographer, attempts to take her photo through a window and telephones the police.

If Sarah would just put a hot iron on the door knob, she wouldn't have to worry about the mysterious woman trying to get in. Another point for Home Alone.

The police arrive but cannot find the woman. Assuring Sarah that she will be fine, they arrange to have a patrol car visit throughout the night.Upon developing her photos, Sarah recognizes the woman in the background of an earlier photo that Sarah had taken, indicating that the woman has been stalking Sarah. She sends the photo to a friend where she works to see if they could enhance the photo and bring it to her.

Sarah decides to go to bed. As she closes her eye and drifts to sleep, the woman hovers above Sarah in the bedroom and punctures her stomach with scissors. Sarah fights the visitor off and locks herself in the bathroom, where the woman tries to gain entry screaming that she plans to steal Sarah's child.

If she had put tacks around her bed, this would have alerted
Sarah and prevented her from getting stabbed in the gut with scissors.
Seriously, Home Alone has it all covered.

Sarah's employer arrives at the house and shortly her mother shows up as well, both unaware that Sarah has locked herself in the bathroom with a scissor wielding maniac in the house. As Sarah's mother nears the bathroom, Sarah thinking it's the woman wanting to steal her child, furiously attacks and kills her mother with a shard of glass. Meanwhile her employer is stabbed to death with the scissors by the mysterious woman. The police arrive to check up on Sarah and seeing the dead body of her employer and mother try to stop the attacker, but they too get killed in a pretty gruesome fashion by the deadliest scissors on the face of the planet.

I don't have a good Home Alone joke for sharp scissors killing everything in this movie.

The Ending:

Finally, the lady with scissors begins to break down the door to the bathroom and a confrontation ensues between Sarah and the woman, with both of them injuring each other. Sarah manages to burn off half the woman's face with an aerosol container and cigarette. The woman flees, and upon being cornered by Sarah, reveals that she was in the other car and she too was pregnant, only the accident resulted in her having a miscarriage.

The two are interrupted by the revival of one of the police officers; who in his delusion attacks Sarah instead of the other woman. He brutally beats Sarah with his club, and the woman comes to Sarah's aid and kills the officer. The attack forces Sarah into labor, but the baby is stuck. Desperate to save the child, the woman takes her scissors and performs a Caesarian section on Sarah, splitting her completely open and left to die on the stairs drenched in blood. The woman takes the baby to a rocking chair and sits comforting it.

A little Home Alone tactics could have stopped this all from happening.

3. Martyrs (2008)

I'm going to be hyperbolic with Martyrs, because I love this film. A 2008 French-Canadian horror film written and directed by Pascal Laugier, is insanely violent and insanely depressing, yet original and considered along with Inside part of the new era of French horror films. I'm a little sad that the same company who produced the Twilight (yes the glittering vampire one) films is planning on releasing a U.S. remake.

This is going to be a tough one to describe especially for those who haven't seen it. If you haven't, I highly suggest you get a copy of the French version with subtitles, otherwise someone has posted the entire movie in segments on Youtube with the awful English voice-over on it. Either way, it's still worth watching.

The film begins with Lucie as a young girl, escaping from a abandoned warehouse where she imprisoned and physically abused for a lengthy period of time. Lucie is placed in an orphanage, where she is befriended by a young girl named Anna. Anna soon discovers that Lucie believes that she is attacked by a horrible, disfigured, ghoulish woman covered in scars.

Imagine this thing constantly chasing you.

Fifteen years later, Lucie bursts into a normal family's home and starts blasting the family with a shotgun. She kills the father, the mother and even the son and daughter with almost no remorse. Afterwards, Lucie calls Anna to tell her that she has finally found and killed the people responsible for her childhood abuse and requests her help in burying the bodies, but is then attacked by the emancipated woman again.

This is why you always look through the peep-hole to see who it is.

Anna comes to the house and is horrified at the carnage, and worries that Lucie may have murdered the wrong people. Anna, while trying to bury the bodies in the backyard, discovers the mother is still alive and Anna tries to help her escape, but Lucie finds out and bashes the mother to death. The scarred creature returns again shortly thereafter attacking Lucie, except this time Anna sees that it is Lucie attacking herself and the scarred woman is nothing more than a psychological manifestation of Lucie's guilt for leaving behind another girl who was also imprisoned and tortured with her as a child. Lucie pleads with the scarred woman to stop attacking her as she has killed the ones responsible for torturing them as children, but it has no effect. Lucie finally realizes that her insanity will never leave her and slits her throat.

This is where the movie gets really weird. After Lucie slits her throat, Anna tries to clean the house to take her mind off her best friend's death, and discovers a secret underground chamber. Imprisoned within is a horribly tortured woman, covered in scars with a strange metal contraption nailed to her head. While Anna attempts to care for her and clean her wounds, a group of men in suits arrive and shoot the woman dead.

The armed-men then capture Anna and take her to meet their leader, an elderly lady named Mademoiselle. She explains that she belongs to a secret society seeking to discover the secrets of the afterlife through the creation of "martyrs". The only way to discover these secrets to the afterlife is to inflict extreme amounts torture and pain upon young women in the belief that their suffering will result in transcending them into communicating with the world beyond ours. So far, all of their attempts have failed as non of the woman have reached the euphoric state only to die. Anna then becomes their latest subject to be imprisoned and tortured. Really, this is the stuff only rich people are crazy enough to do because what else are they going to spend their money on?

Rich people money list: torturing people for "enlightenment," buying a
hairless cat and putting a sweater on it.

The Ending:

Anna becomes the new victim to their torture. She is beaten and degraded over and over again. Anna hallucinates a conversation with Lucie, who tells her to "let go" so she won't be afraid any more. Soon after, Anna is told she has progressed further than any other test subject, and has reached the "final stage" and will suffer no more. Anna is taken to a surgeon and is flayed alive. Yes, they strip her completely of her flesh.

Anna survives the procedure, and achieves the euphoric state that the rich-people society have been searching for and has communicated with the other side. Mademoiselle arrives, eager to speak to Anna about her experience. Anna turns to her and whispers into her ear.

After Anna whispers to Mademoiselle, the members of the society begin gathering at the house to learn what Anna has shared with Mademoiselle. A member of the society speaks to all the other members hyping them up and says he is going to go get Mademoiselle who we are lead is preparing herself in the bathroom to speak. He comes up to her door to speak with her asks if what Anna said was clear and precise. Mademoiselle replies that there is, "no room for interpretation", and asks him if he could imagine what comes after death. He says no, she tells him to "keep doubting" and places a pistol in her mouth and shoots herself. After, the words "martyr" appear stating it is Greek for "witness".

Leaving us to believe when you found out what comes after death, it's worth killing yourself. Yay!

2. The Night of the Living Dead (1968)

At the time, it was not typical for an African-American man to be the hero of a film. In fact, most of the cast was composed of mostly white people, and giving typical movie "standard" the black guy always has to die early on right? So this ending is pretty bittersweet in the context of the "time" the movie came out as well. Romero said it was completely coincidental and that that Duane Jones "simply gave the best audition."

That doesn't make this ending any less impacting or depressing. It's funny to consider Night of the Living Dead such a "revolutionary" movie considering it was a blatant rip-off I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. Romero even said himself he was really trying to just make a film version of that story with different characters.

"I thought I Am Legend was about revolution. I said if you're going to do something about revolution, you should start at the beginning. I mean, Richard starts his book with one man left; everybody in the world has become a vampire. I said we got to start at the beginning and tweak it up a little bit. I couldn't use vampires because he did, so I wanted something that would be an earth-shaking change. Something that was forever, something that was really at the heart of it. I said, so what if the dead stop staying dead? ... And the stories are about how people respond or fail to respond to this. That's really all [the zombies] ever represented to me. In Richard's book, in the original I Am Legend, that's what I thought that book was about. There's this global change and there's one guy holding out saying, wait a minute, I'm still a human. He's wrong. Go ahead. Join them. You'll live forever! In a certain sense he's wrong but on the other hand, you've got to respect him for taking that position." -- George Romero

Siblings Barbara (Judith O'Dea) and Johnny (Russell Streiner) drive to visit their father's grave. When Barbra is announces her fear of ghost Johnny teasingly frightens her with, "They're coming to get you, Barbara!", soon they are attacked by a zombie (Bill Hinzman).Johnny tries to rescue his sister, but is then presumably killed when the man shoves him head first onto a tombstone.

Barbara flees, to a nearby farmhouse where she discovers the half-eaten corpse. Running out of the house, she notices several undead figures approaching the house. A man named Ben (Duane Jones) arrives in a pickup truck, drags Barbra back into the house, and barricades the doors and windows. Barbara insists that they must rescue Johnny, she hysterically slaps Ben, he slaps her back and she collapses in shock.

As Ben searches the house with Barbara still unconscious from the hit he finds in the cellar a married couple, Harry (Karl Hardman) and Helen Cooper (Marilyn Eastman), their daughter Karen (Kyra Schon), and teenage couple Tom (Keith Wayne) and Judy (Judith Ridley). Harry asks everyone to hide in the cellar, but Ben deems it a "deathtrap" and remains upstairs. Tom agrees with Ben and asks Judy to come upstairs. Listening to the radio, reporters say that mass murder is consuming the East Coast of the US. Ben turns on the TV to show that the dead have reanimated and are consuming the flesh of the living.

Harry returns to the cellar to Helen and Karen, are ill after being bitten. Ben hears of a local refuge that might have medical supplies to help Helen and Karen, but after the zombies attack him at a gas station destroying his truck, killing Tom and Judy in the explosion, he is forced to run back to the house with more zombies following him and surrounding the house.

The Ending:

Ben returns to the house with the ghouls after him to find Harry has locked the house and in the cellar. Ben outside with the zombies gets angry and manages to break into the house and attacks Harry. Meanwhile a report on the television reveals that, aside from lighting dead bodies on fire, a gunshot or heavy blow to the head will stop any zombie and that groups of armed men are patrolling the countryside to restore order.

The ghouls attempt to break into the house and Harry more concerned with Ben, grabs a rifle to shoot him but shoots himself instead. Zombies manage to pull Helen and Barbra through the windows, while Harry retreats wounded to the cellar to find that his daughter Karen has died of the infection on her arm. Helen manages to break free of the zombies and goes to the cellar and to her horror, sees a reanimated Karen consuming Harry's flesh. Karen starts to walk slowly towards Helen where she is forced to stab Karen to death.

Harry is such a little bitch. Barbara upon the chaos of zombies sees her brother, Johnny, among the horde is carried away by the horde. Karen blaming the death of Harry and Karen on Ben attacks him, but he escapes and seals himself in the cellar, where he kills the reanimated Harry and Helen with a rifle shot to the head.

Finally the movie gives you a break. With everyone of the survivors either consumed by the horde of zombies or killed by one another, the movie leaves you thinking that Ben will be the sole survivor and seals himself in the cellar. The next morning, Ben awakens as a posse arrives; but is killed when a member of the posse, mistaking him for a ghoul, fatally shoots him in the head and declares "that's another one for the fire." Ben's body is then placed onto a burning pyre along with other dead bodies.

1. The Mist (2007)

This is a zombie movie by all traditional standards, except replace zombies with intergalactic monsters. The reason I categorize it as more a "zombie" movie is it has all the caveats of being one: survival, being holed up in a building, the biggest threat being each other not the actual monsters.

This movie gets the number one spot because the ending is so deliciously depressing and good that Stephen King (to which the movie is based off one of his short stories) said that he wished he came up with the ending that Frank Darabont gave to film. It is that good.

Sheesh, why didn't I write that!?

The morning after a violent thunderstorm, David Drayton (Thomas Jane) and his wife Stephanie (Kelly Collins Lintz) witness an unusual mist outside their lakeside home. The aftermath of the storm has destroyed a lot of property and David and his son decide to go to a local store to get supplies to fix up some damage while his wife stays home. Most of the community has lost power and police activity has increased heavily, and the fog has only grown thicker. A man runs into the store with a bloody nose warning of something dangerous in the oncoming mist.

The mist covers the parking lot and they hear the scream of a man who ventures outside into it. Everyone in the store decides it is best to seal themselves inside until it clears. The building is soon shaken by violent tremors, visibility reduces to nothing, and the customers grow more and more nervous about the fate of the screaming man, as they take refuge in the grocery store afraid to leave. One man walks out into the mist only to be sucked in and screams. He doesn't return.

Mrs. Carmody (Marcia Gay Harden), an insane religious fanatic suspects this is the beginning of Armageddon. Another woman in the store, begins to panic and exclaims that she has two young children at home alone that she must get back to them. She begs and pleads to others for help to join her, but she leaves alone walking slowly into the mist. This is the biggest queue for the amazing ending.

Mrs. Carmody, this bitch is crazy.

Tensions grow tighter in the store as half the group starts to side with Mrs. Carmody that this is indeed a sign of the rapture. The other half side with David that there is a rational reason for everything happening. Eventually, we get--in good old zombie style fashion--human versus human conflicts in the store as everyone begins to have different ideas and plans for what to do. One man bravely decides to venture into the mist to retrieve a shotgun from a car in the parking lot to protect themselves against anything that tries to come to the store. With a rope tied around his waist and other members of the grocery store holding on to him, the rope tightens as he walks into the mist. Suddenly, it goes completely slack and those holding on pull it back only to reveal the upper half of the mans body has been torn off and only his lower torso returns.

Hmmm... that didn't go as planned.

New creatures appear as night approaches attacking the store due to the lights (which have been activated by a generator). Enormous flying insects with pterodactyl-like animals attack and kill several people and one flies to Mrs. Carmody and instead of giving her a fatal sting, flies away. She claims this validates that the apocalypse is happening and she easily converts more followers among the distraught people, believing that the world is ending and a human sacrifice is needed to save them from the wrath of God.

Meanwhile, David and a group of volunteers try to retrieve medical supplies for the severely burned Joe from the pharmacy next door, but are attacked by spider-like creatures. The spiders kill several that went to the pharmacy. The failed trip leads more to follow Carmody.

Soon the group learns from Private Jessup, who has been trapped in the store with them, that the US government was working on something called the Arrowhead Project. The project was an attempt to look into other dimensions and the mist is likely a result of the project working and pulling in creature from another dimension. He speculate that they have liken taken over the city and possibly able to conquer the world. Carmody's commands that Private Jessup becomes a human sacrifice and is stabbed three times before he is thrown outside. Jessup pleads to be let in, but he is killed.

The Ending:

The next morning, after Private Jessup's sacrifice, David and his group decide to leave the store, but are intercepted by Mrs. Carmody, who decides that David's whole group should be sacrificed as well, but a member of David's group manages to shoot Mrs. Carmody, stopping her followers in their tracks and allowing David's group to leave.

On the way out of the store, only a few members of David's group make it to the car they are planning on using alive, including his son. One of the members killed in the scuffle to get the car had a gun with four remaining bullets that David gets before they drive off.

Driving through the mist, David returns home to find it destroyed and his wife Stephanie dead. Heartbroken, he drives the group south, witnessing the destruction left in the wake of the mist. As David continues to drive on, the group encounters a giant beast towering hundreds of feet tall.

Eventually, they run out of gas and pull over to the side of the road, disheartened that they hadn't seen any other survivors. While David's son is sleeping, the four adults discuss their fate, deciding that there is no point in going any further. With four bullets left in the gun and five people in the car, David shoots the three adults and his son to spare them violent death by the creatures.

Distraught and determined to die, David exits the vehicle, ready to be attacked by whatever is in the mist. A loud approaching noise turns out to be a self-propelled artillery vehicle, followed by a squad of soldiers equipped with hazmat suits and flamethrowers. As the mist clears, several trucks, filled with soldiers and survivors, pass David. Among the survivors is the woman from the supermarket that no one would help, and her two young children. Realizing that they were that close to rescue and that he killed his own son, a distraught David falls to his knees, screaming, while two soldiers look on in confusion.

The book ends with the group just driving in the car to an uncertain world. So you decide which is the better ending, but no doubt the struggle the group goes through and the gut-punch Darabont pulls with the theatrical release is amazingly depressing.

Honorable Mentions: The Road (2009), A Serbian Film (2010)

Both of these films are quite depressing. I had a real close call on The Road, mainly because the movie is 95% depressing and has a "slightly" happy ending, even if everyone and everything dies pretty much throughout the movie and has a terrifying scene with cannibals. But, the ending does have a bit of a ray of sunshine in it. A Serbian Film, is thoroughly depressing and is trying to have a similar theme to Salo, as it's a film depicting horrible visions of rape and violence as a metaphor for 100 years of suffering that the Serbian government has done to its own people. I think A Serbian Film fails at doing as good a job as Salo however, and I think the ridiculousness of that film doesn’t get you emotionally attached to be depressed because it’s not a very good film.

High Expectations for "The Woman in Black"

2012-01-25T13:55:00.000-08:00

It is rare that I have such high anticipation for a film, especially in the horror genre. While it is my favorite genre of film, horror seems to be in a bit of a slump lately with only one good horror film, if any, per year. Let me give you the reasons this film should be good. Please, please, please, Woman in Black, be the first good horror film of 2012.

First of all, this film is part of the return of Hammer horror. Hammer was a producer of British horror films in the way back when and itself created it's own subgenre of horror films.

Secondly, the actors and filmmakers are actually talking about the film. There is something hopeful when the filmmaker and actors are taking pride in their work. Radcliffe elaborated by saying that he chose the role because:

"It was certainly not a part that people can really compare to Harry… But [the] main attraction, to be honest, was simply the story, and how compelling it was, and being a part of a really, really good horror film."

Thirdly, the film is based on a book and the author is writing the screenplay. This could also be a reason for failure, but I have hopes because the book has already been turned into a successful play and made-for-tv-movie. It would seem that this story actually has substance and isn't just a horror film that is trying to make easy money. Again, I parry to Radcliffe, who describes it as:

"A character-driven, well-written horror film that had the capability of being just as scary as any 'Paranormal Activity,' or any of those films that have recently come out, while also having a depth of character that you don't often find there."

See the feature below for more Radcliffe and more glimpses of The Woman in Black.

The Woman in Black will be released in theaters February 3rd.

The start of a podcast

2012-01-24T15:03:00.000-08:00

Chrissie and George Romero at Texas Frightmare Weekend

Everyone put on your big Romero glasses and hearing aids! The writers here at Texas Lipstick Massacre have decided to create our own podcast so we can branch out into more areas. We recorded a test episode last night where we listened to some humorous horror sound effects. The episode should be available soon in all it's scrappy glory.

Keep a lookout on itunes and don't forget to subscribe.

Who will go in the Bram Stoker vampire vault?

2012-01-18T20:44:00.000-08:00

Dead Sexy.

The nominees for the "Bram Stoker Vampire Novel of the Century" have been assembled and there are some very big and unglittery names on the list. The novels were chosen by a jury of scholars and writers who are well versed in the field. The jury is headed by Leslie S. Klinger, a leading authority on Dracula. Other members include James Dorr, Linda Addison, Ron Breznay, and Jo Fletcher.

They narrowed their choices down to a slim, but impressive, six. The winner will be announced March 31, 2012 at the World Horror Convention in Salt Lake City and we will also repost the results here on Texas Lipstick Massacre. [mediabistro, Stokers 2012]

Previous winners of various Bram Stoker awards include: J.K. Rowling, Clive Barker, Harlan Ellison, Joyce Carol Oates, Ray Bradbury, and Neil Gaiman.

Who do you think should win? Or is there anyone they left off?

The Nominees:

The Soft Whisper of the Dead by Charles L. Grant
Published in 1983, this is the first novel of a trilogy by Charles L. Grant. The novel takes place in Grant's hometown of Oxrun, Connecticut where Ned Stockton comes face to face with the vampire Count Gregor Brastov who is attempting to take over the town of Oxrun. It's a quiet novel in the vein of hammer horror, where fog and shadows rule over gore and carnage.

Excerpt from his 1997 novel Symphony:
“The cover was pebbled black leather, the pages onionskin, and he opened it carefully. It was his first Bible, the one his mother had given him, the one that had taken its time showing him what he was supposed to do with his life, his size, that voice of his. It was the one used for his ordination, and when he had buried his mother on a autumn hillside in Tennesee five years ago. King James. He didn't care about the scholars or the accuracy or the bringing of his church into whatever century they claimed it was these days; he cared about the poetry, and about the comfort it brought to those who needed to hear it.”

Salem’s Lot by Stephen King
In 1975, this was Stephen King's second full length novel. Taking place in Jerusalem's Lot, a small New England town, Ben Mears returns to his hometown to find something undead plaguing his town. Stephen King wrote it as an homage to Dracula, and like Dracula did for Bram Stoker, it really put King on the map as a horror writer. Salem's Lot was turned into a movie by Tobe Hooper in 1979 and also a television series starring Rob Lowe in 2004. Stephen King received the Bram Stoker's lifetime achievement award from the Horror Writer's Association in 2002.

Excerpt from Salem's Lot:
“Before drifting away entirely, he found himself reflecting---not for the first time---on the peculiarity of adults. Thet took laxatives, liquor, or sleeping pills to drive away their terrors so that sleep would come, and their terrors were so tame and domestic: the job, the money, what the teacher will think if I can't get Jennie nicer clothes, does my wife still love me, who are my friends. They were pallid compared to the fears every child lies cheek and jowl with in his dark bed, with no one to confess to in hope of perfect understanding but another child. There is no group therapy or psychiatry or community social services for the child who must cope with the thing under the bed or in the cellar every night, the thing which leers and capers and threatens just beyond the point where vision will reach. The same lonely battle must be fought night after night and the only cure is the eventual ossification of the imaginary faculties, and this is called adulthood.”

I Am Legend by Richard Matheson
One of the greatest horror writer's of all time is most widely recognized for his 1954 novel I am Legend. In the novel, Robert Neville is the last man on earth, but he is not alone, because the human race has been mostly annihilated by vampires. By day, he hunts out their hiding places, killing them when they are at their most vulnerable state, by night he barricades himself in his house, hoping that he makes it to see another day.

Richard Matheson wrote many episodes for The Twilight Zone including the famous Nightmare at 20,000 Feet (originally a short story called Alone by Night, 1961) which starred William Shatner as a passenger who sees something on the wing. I Am Legend has been turned into a film 3 times beginning in 1964 with the Vincent Price film The Last Man on Earth, 1971 with Charleton Heston in The Omega Man, and in 2007 starring Will Smith in I Am Legend. A forth film was made, a direct to dvd film by the name of I am Omega was made in 2007, but the film does not credit Richard Matheson as source material. Matheson received the the Bram Stoker's lifetime achievement award in 1990.

There's a Shatner in my seat.

Excerpt from I Am Legend:

“In a world of monotonous horror there could be no salvation in wild dreaming. Horror he had adjusted to. But monotony was the greater obstacle, and he realized it now, understood it at long last. And understanding it seemed to give him a sort of quiet peace, a sense of having spread all the cards on his mental table, examined them, and settled conclusively on the desired hand.”

Anno Dracula by Kim Newman
Published in 1992, this novel has everything. Taking place in a sprawling fictional world in which Dracula defeated Van Helsing, instead of the other way around. He then goes on to marry Queen Victoria imposing a vampire police state on the United Kingdom. All the while, Jack the Ripper is murdering vampire prostitutes. The first in a series, Anno Dracula contains cameos by over 40 characters from literature and film as well as many historical figures, including Sherlock Holmes, Fu Manchu, and Count Orlok from Nosferatu.

Anno Dracula has not been turned into a movie, but if it was, it surely would have to be a miniseries.

This guy knows a lot about a lot.

Excerpt from Anno Dracula:
“There will never be slaves in Britain,' Godalming continued, 'but those who stay warm will naturally serve us, as the excellent Bessie has just served me. Have a care, lest you wind up the equivalent of some damned regimental water-bearer.'

In India, I knew a water-bearer who was a better man than most.”

Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice
First published in 1976, Interview with the Vampire became an immediate bestseller and has since sold more than 8 million copies. The novel is framed by an interview that is happening between Louis and a journalist Daniel Molloy (who is only mentioned as the boy). Louis tells the story of how he became a vampire meeting a vampire by the name of Lestat in 1791. The two then travel to Paris where they terrorize high society and Louis begins to learn the full meaning of what it is to be a vampire.

The novel was turned into a film in 1994 starring Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Christian Slater, Antonio Banderas, and Kirsten Dunst who won a nomination for a Golden Globe in 1995 for her portrayal of the young vampire Claudia. River Phoenix was supposed to play the reporter, but died weeks before filming began. Anne Rice initially wanted the actor Julian Sands to play the major role of Lestat, but later saw that Tom Cruise was perfect in the part.

Anne Rice was given the Bram Stoker's lifetime achievement award by the Horror Writers Association in 2003. She was the second woman to ever win this award. Joyce Carol Oates was the first woman to win in 1996 for her novel Zombie.

Ain't so melancholy now.

Excerpt from Interview with the Vampire:
“The great adventure of our lives. What does it mean to die when you can live until the end of the world? and what is 'the end of the world' except a phrase, because who knows even what is the world itself? I had now lived in two centuries, seen the illusions of one shattered by the other, been eternally young and eternally ancient, possessing no illusions, living moment to moment in a way that made me picture a silver clock ticking in a void: the painted face, the delicately carved hands looked upon by no one, looking out at no one, illuminated by a light which was not a light, like the light by which god made the world before He had made light. Ticking, ticking, ticking, the precision of the clock, in a room as vast as the universe.”

Hotel Transylvania by Chelsea Quinn Yarbro

Published in 1978, it is the first of a continuing series of books starring the vampire Le Comte de Saint-Germain. The character of Le Comte de Saint-Germain is based on a real life historical figure. This particular novel follows Le Comte de Saint-Germain as he falls in love with a young lady by the name of Madeline, but he is not the only one who has taken notice of the girl, as a group of noblemen and evil sorcerers plan to use her in a ceremony of the black arts.

There is an animated film being released in 2012 under the name Hotel Transylvania, but it has no relation to this novel.

Chelsea Quinn Yarbro was awarded the Bram Stoker's lifetime achievement award by the Horror Writers Association in 2009. She was the third woman to ever win the award. She was also the first female president of the Horror Writer's Association. Chelsea Quinn Yarbro publishes an average of 3-4 novels a year under various pseudonyms.

Excerpt from Chelsea Quinn Yarbro's novel The Palace:

“Art goes into the world unarmed, vulnerable to every quirk of fate, and it must survive only by its power to move men not to destroy it.”

American Horror Story wins Golden Globe

2012-01-15T20:53:00.000-08:00

I am pleased to announce that horror television goes 1 for 2 at the Golden Globes as the fantastic Jessica Lange took home the best supporting actress award for American Horror Story. She was the only actor or actress to be nominated in a horror related show and took home the much deserved win.

In her acceptance speech, she commented on the lack of good writing in Hollywood and how she jumped at the chance to act in a show that actually gave her something to do. In the wake of the first season of American Horror Story, there is much discussion of what the layout of the second season will look like as almost all of the cast will be new as well as the location.

While, the creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk are taking a huge risk in changing out the cast almost entirely for the second season, I'm thinking that with the Golden Globe win and the critical recognition the show has received, the second season will attract a high level of talent that will continue to support the incredible screenwriting.

Bobby's most anticipated for 2012

2012-01-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

Well, it's always hard to choose your "most anticipated" movies because you pray they won't suck. It's always terrible to look back in hindsight and be like "man, I was so hyped for that movie and it turned out to be garbage."

That said, I'm picking a few safe picks and a few risky ones for my most anticipated horror/thriller movies for 2012. None of these are in any particular order of excitement, except for the first one, which I'm most excited for, so let's get going.

1. Prometheus

Where to start with this film? Firstly, it's directed by Ridley Scott, you know, the director of Alien, and this was supposedly to a prequel of sorts but Fox decided they would only fund the movie it was an "original" story as the Alien name has been tainted with bad quality due to the last few films (Resurrection anyone?) and the Vs. Predator series.

The trailer is terrifying. I'm sure this will turn out amazing, I'm just hoping it stays suspenseful and doesn't turn into a full-blown action movie. The release of June2012 makes me a little worried it might be heavy on the action side of things.

The story revolves around a group of scientist who think they have found the origins of mankind. “Prometheus” is the name of the Greek titan who stole fire from Zeus and gave it to humankind – only to be punished for his actions by being strapped to a rock and having an eagle eat his regenerating liver out every day, for the rest of eternity. Scott has that his new sci-fi project is very much an allegory for that tale, saying it too involves a “higher being [who is punished] in perpetuity in a horrible fashion” for stealing technology from more powerful beings and handing it over to humans.

I couldn't be more excited and though it's not longer a prequel to Alien, apparently sets the stage for them, but I guess we'll have to wait and see.

2. The Lady in Black

This has me excited because it's Daniel Radcliffe's first starring movie without Harry Potter attached, and why he said he decided to do the movie. I remember watching a video on Yahoo that stated he has done the big blockbusters of Harry Potter and said he will never make another movie bigger than those. Which I found insightful that he realizes that.

Therefore, he said he wanted to focus his career on movies with a good story. That leads me to believe that this will at least have that, with a small budget of $17 million (considered to the $150 million Deathly Hallows: Part 2 had) and a creepy trailer, I'm hoping this is more thoughtful and introspective horror than jump scares. I'm also hopeful because James Watkins, director of horror/thriller Eden Lake is helming this project, so it's a known quantity he can do horror well.

The Woman in Black is a 1983 thriller fiction novel by Susan Hill about a menacing spectre that haunts a small English town. According to local tales, seeing the Woman in Black meant that the death of a child would follow. Hopefully the movie follows that closely and stays as creepy.

3. Dark Shadows

There isn't a trailer for the movie yet, but the lady with the annoying voice in the video below can explain it all.

It's a Tim Burton movie, so it'll be dark and yes it has Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter but she isn't the leading lady this time, other Burton alumni, Michelle Pfieffer is. It's going to be interesting to see Burton bring back this corky show for a movie that's a mix of soap-opera with the Adam's Family. Not truly "horror," but it still has monsters and ghouls in it.

4. The Cabin in the Woods

There are two things that really excite me about this movie: Chris Hemsworth, aka Thor, and Joss Whedon writing it. Now, the R-rating also makes me happy as well. Reason being is that this isn't a cash in on Hemsworths' good looks and success from Thor to make a PG-13 horror movie to get teen girls in. Joss Whedon I'll trust with anything, and this is coming out a month earlier than his Avengers, so he has his money maker; this looks like a love project that he wanted to make.

It has a bit of stoner-slasher movie look to it, with some of the snarkiness from Buffy, but I'm a little skeptical director Drew Goddard as this is his directorial debut. Now as a producer and writer he has some big stuff under his name--Cloverfield, Lost, Alias and Six Feet Under--but he's an unknown quantity in this equation.

What sells me though is on the surface it looks like another story of 20-somethings wanting to escape to the woods to get away from it all and bad things happening, and it's hard not to compare it to the awful Cabin Fever, but the trailer leads me to believe it looks a little more like test-subjects trying to survive against an experiment of sorts with this mechanical cabin and crazy mind games type horror movie. Plus, it has some pretty good satirical writing in it.

5. The Grey

Not all scary movies have to have the supernatural or serial killers in them. Sometimes surviving the harshest elements and creatures that nature throws at you can be terrifying. I think The Grey will do a good job of that.

Starring Liam Neeson, the plot revolves around an oil drilling team's struggle to survive after a plane crash strands them in the harsh cold wild of Alaska. Again, we have another movie that has almost the exact same plot, another British actor, The Edge, though there wasn't the biting cold or a pack of wolves in the The Edge, rather just the woods and a grizzly bear. No, the cold and wolves share another similarity to the 2010 movie Frozen, but that movie sucked. The way the wolves eyes look in the trailer, the part where Neeson forms a broken bottle glove/weapon, and the fact that it has a bigger budget, has to make it better than Frozen. Plus, with his recent movies Taken and Unknown, he's on a bit of a proverbially action streak that's pretty awesome.

Honorable mentions:

- World War Z: With no trailer out yet, it's hard to judge what this movie is going to be. It had Brad Pitt in it, which I'm a fan. World War Z the book however, has a bunch of disjointed stories woven together after the war has happened. I'm not 100 percent sure how they are planning to do this movie, but I'm intrigued and eagerly await a trailer.

- Total Recall: Okay, it's more sci-fi than horror, and it's a remake of the 1990 version that had Arnold Schwarzenegger in it, now replaced by Colin Farrel. The original was held in high regard and remembered fondly, and I've read that they have changed the screenplay pretty drastically from the original story We Can Remember it for you Wholesale by Philip K. Dick, which is never a good sign. It also has a $200 million dollar budget, so the company is banking on it doing well, but only time will tell.

The robots and cars in the movie look pretty sweet though.

- Underworld Awakening: Kate Beckinsale is back and it has more action and violence in it. Consider it a guilty pleasure.