th1nk p1nk.

Writing on the bus.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 17:32:00 +0000

I know, I have been a terrible blogger as of late. I promise to write more and I don't... Well, that's in part because I vent my emotions to Ross so it sometimes seems redundant if I do it here, too. The other reason is that I want to redesign this blog but I haven't been able to procure a copy of Photoshop for my Macboo yet. The (illegal) version on my old Dell is useless because the computer can't handle it.

So, here I am, writing this on my smartphone (yay Moto Q!) because reading books and writing on paper gives me a headache while I ride but this doesn't. Huh. I'm sure it is just all in my head, as usual.

I'm on my way to see my psychiatrist and, as of today, my new employer. Dr. Hardrict is perhaps the kindest person I've ever met (aside from Ross, though I guess I'm biased). When I expressed my concerns about finding a job because my credentials and professional references were lacking, considering the few jobs there are probably have a bajillion applicants, he said, "Well then, what do you think about working for me?"

My jaw dropped. I had to ask if he was really serious and he said, "Of course, I could really use the help." I knew he'd been running his small, private office by himself since his last secretary/office worker left, but I'd supposed than he didn,t need as much help since he cut back on his client load there. He said he could really use the help and that it could be incredibly beneficial for us both.

I am absolutely esctatic about it. I will be there three days every week working three hours a day. It is a consistent schedule, I will be paid once a week, and if I have problems or issues in regards to my anxiety and whatnot I will have THE most understanding boss on the planet. I won't have to be afraid to go because if I am anxious or panicky, what better place to be than your doctor's office?

I am truly grateful for all that Dr. Hardrict has done for me since the very beginning of my mental troubles. I hope I can do an excellent job while working for him. It is the least I can do to repay him for helping me to recover.

p.s. There are probably a ton of typos and misspellings in this entry. I'll maybe fix it when I get home.

I hate Anti-Stratfordians.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 03:57:00 +0000

Anti-Stratfordians are the people who think that William Shakespeare's plays were not written by a man named William Shakespeare from Statford-upon-Avon.

I don't like them. I don't like them, not one bit.

I can understand why some scholars might speculate that these brilliant pieces of literary genius could not have ever been written by some country boy who had only a junior high-equivalent education (well, by their standards - I don't know any junior high kids who have studied Latin and ancient Greek). Still, I think the theory is stupid because it misses the point. Even if you have years of rigorous academic training at Oxford or wherever that does not make you a talented writer or poet. It just makes you really, really studious.

Granted, I'm not saying Shakespeare wasn't intelligent. I think he was someone who was very smart and gifted but simply did not have the means to attend university. He seems to me like he was the self-study type. I also think he had a natural-born talent for writing and putting words together. Some would call it "God-given talent", but being that I'm an atheist, I'm going to simply say that he got two copies of the recessive AWESOME gene from the 'rents.

Still, what irks me about the whole thing is that the Anti-Stratforidans are incredibly arrogant. They think that just because the man didn't go to college or wasn't part of the aristocracy that he couldn't have written these works. They look down upon the man we know as William Shakespeare because he wasn't an upper class gentleman. You don't have to be in the upper class to be talented.

Le sigh. I know, this whole post is probably a little silly-sounding to most people. I was just working on my Shakespeare homework and it started to bother me again. I needed to let that out.

Bill Shakespeare's mah homeboy. Don't mess with him, or I'll mess with 'chu.

<3

New sorta-kinda job.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 06:08:00 +0000

That's right. I "sorta-kinda" got a new job.

I'm not really allowed to say here details about what I do, but it's an independent contractor position where I reply to texts from customers.

...and before you jump to conclusions, it is NOT phone sex.

I can't get into details, because I'm "kinda-sorta" under contract not to tell publicly. If you know me in person you can go ahead and ask, though. I'm not working for the government so it's not like the CIA is spying on me. Well, okay, since this is the United States under the Bush administration, the CIA probably is spying on me anyway. Le sigh...

The point of my even mentioning it here is so that you all know that I am "kinda-sorta" now employed! Yay! Whoo hoo!!! I'm getting back into the freelancing as well. It's a good way to make money and not feel the pressure of *BUM BUM BUUUUUM* actual employment.

Other than that, the other big news right now is that we had to take one of our guinea pigs, Happy, to the vet tonight. The poor little guy... We're not quite sure what happened, but we think Harry got a little crabby or something and Happy's eye got injured. Again, we can't know for sure, but we heard a very loud squeal and rushed over to see what was up. Ross reached in the cage and grabbed the first pig he could reach, which happened to be Happy, and we checked him over. We immediately noticed that his left eye was discolored and there was some blood down by the eyelid. He wasn't actively bleeding, but we were still very concerned so we put in a call to an emergency vet in St. Paul. They recommended we bring him in, and although perhaps many guinea pig owners would have simply waited until Monday morning to take him to the vet, Ross and I love our piggy guys so much we couldn't bear to wait all night without knowing what was up.

After procuring a Zipcar (and a really cool one at that - a Honda Civic hybrid!), we arrived at the emergency vet within an hour of discovering Happy's injury. The clinic is a small place on University avenue within blocks of the state capital. I parked the car facing the street and as I was turning it off I happened to look at the building across the street. It was a small shop called "Hmongland". Now, this wasn't especially remarkable really, considering the neighborhood we were in has a lot of Hmong people living in it, but it happened to spark a rather amusing memory from the other day. Ross was just telling me about how his racist-yet-endearing grandfather had called and reminded him to "be careful our critters didn't escape or the Hmongs would eat 'em".

We decided it would be best not to tell his grandpa about this adventure so close to "Hmongland". Ross figured his grandpa would say something along the lines of, "Well, I guess if they don't save 'em at that place they just send them 'cross the street so the Hmongs can eat 'em!"

It's horrible, I know, but he's pretty sure his grandpa would say something like that, and subsequently remember awhile afterwards that he probably shouldn't.

We walked in, handed the little pink critter carrier over to the vet tech, and filled out the usual paperwork. They wanted to know some of the basics, like how old he was, if he had access to timothy hay, what we feed him, any other pets in house, etc. I was in a hurry, as always, so I scribbled things down pretty quickly. When the question, "Has your pet been on any different foods?" (or something to that effect) came up I checked yes and wrote down "previous owners" on the line next to it. I'd already moved onto the next question when Ross started to giggle.

"...So he used to eat his previous owners?"

Okay, so all joking aside, we were still very worried about our little Happy. While we were waiting for the vet to examine him, we chatted a bit with the vet tech. We mentioned how we figured he was overweight (well, he is rather chubby!) and she informed us that they did weigh him: almost three pounds! Sadly, there's not a whole lot you can do to put guinea pigs on a diet, especially when they live in your kitchen and they come up to the cage and gnaw on the bars whenever you open the refridgerator.

So, to make an already long story slightly less novelesque, the vet gave us some antibiotics and some pain medication for him and recommended that we take him into our normal vet if he doesn't get better in a few days. She commented on the report that he was an "opinionated guinea pig who is very nibbly". I was a little offended by that, because she didn't seem to take into account the fact that the poor little guy was hurt, scared, and with a bunch of strange people poking stuff in his already-injured eye.

Plus, he's not too bright and thinks just about everything is edible.

Have a good night, kids. I'd better go check on some silly piggies.

Things sure have been... interesting.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 20:03:00 +0000

Ah, time for yet another update about the life and times of Janna. How exciting.

First things first - I am officially no longer employed by Best Buy. I'm disappointed, but at this point I am far too ashamed to go back. I feel awful about how I conducted myself in those last few weeks and I just don't think I can face everyone again.

Second, and more important (if you ask me), is that Ross and I have yet again added to our menagerie. We got a little hedgehog named Henry. He is the cutest little thing! He's around seven or eight weeks old, which is perfect because he should bond very well to us. We looked into getting a rescue 'hog first but were unable to find one. Also, we really did want a younger one so that he would bond to us better. We had to scour the pet shops in the area, since none of the local breeders had hoglets available and most pet stores were either out or had waiting lists. We finally found Henry at the Har Mar Mall pet shop in St. Paul. I wasn't exactly thrilled with the place, as I felt the tiny cages some of the animals (including puppies) were in just didn't quite cut it in my book. Still, we fell in love with a multi-colored hoglet and we couldn't resist.

I began group therapy again yesterday. It's interesting as always, though I'm not quite sure what to think about those in my group. They all seem like nice people but I feel rather naive. All of them have kids to take care of and are well into adulthood, even if they aren't all very old. I feel slightly out of place because my situation is very different. Perhaps it will be a good learning experience, though; and it feels great to finally have a place where I can vent my feelings and get multiple opinions from both therapists and other crazies like myself.

Ross will be home soon. Yay! I'll try to write something more significant later. <3's.

So, I still exist.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 20:41:00 +0000

I haven't touched this thing in months. I decided I wanted to get back into the blog thing today, so I revamped the look of this blog and I purchased a domain that should be working in a few days (th1nkp1nk.net - hooray!).

Here's a brief update about what's been going on in my life as of late.

I was hired at Best Buy this summer. A brand new, very spiffy-looking store was opening at the Mall of America. After losing my previous job, I thought, what the hell? I put in an application, and much to my surprise I was hired. I worked in computer sales and made pretty good money considering I was just starting. I absolutely loved working there. Sure, Best Buy is an "evil corporation" like the rest of them, but for a major corporation I don't think they are too bad. They're based here in Minnesota, and the corporate office is not even ten miles away from our store. They treat us well, and everyone is very nice. They are far more customer-focused than other chains. Plus, I really did get to help people. People need computers, and most people know nothing about them so it was fun to share my nerdy knowledge with others.

Of course, as with almost everything else in my life, I screwed it up. I started having panic attacks again and didn't show up for work a few times. I haven't been there in nearly a month and I honestly don't know if I still have a job. I told one of my managers that I needed a break to get myself back on track, and now I've tried to contact her and haven't been able to do so. I guess I'll update you if I hear anything new in regards to that, but at this point I'm pretty sure they don't want a nutcase like me there anymore.

Oh, I also am dropping out of school. I think school is what's been causing most of my anxiety and panic in the first place. I was very diligent and reliable at my job before school started, and after the new semester started up that's when my problems began. I was only taking two classes, one of which was guitar lessons, but I couldn't even handle that.

I realize I must sound very down on myself, and I really am lately, but I'm not too depressed. I'm certainly not as depressed as I have been in the past. I'm going to be joining up with the day treatment program I was in back in the summer of '07 to hopefully get myself back on track mental health-wise. Plus, it's fun commiserating with others about being crazy. I rather enjoy it.

Hm, what else? I got a new kitten. His name is Wesley. Yes, I named him after Wesley Crusher from Star Trek: TNG. He's just, well, a Wesley. What else can I say? He was twelve weeks old when I got him and he certainly has grown. He's going to be quite the chubs when he's all grown up, that's for sure. I post pictures later, I promise!

I moved in with Ross. We were struggling to pay the bills living on our own, so we squished all of our things and our pets into his apartment. At the moment, we now have three cats, three guinea pigs, three hamsters, two rabbits, two rats, and a chinchilla in a "large" studio apartment. I do realize we're a little crazy about critters, but we're happy and that's what counts, I think. I wish we had more space but overall I'm rather content with the situation. Plus, sharing the bills makes things much easier financially for the both of us. I was essentially living with him by this summer anyway, as I didn't really enjoy being alone so much.

Things with Ross are great, too. We luff each other. <3 Not much else needs to be said about that now, but I'm sure I'll gush more about how awesome he is in the future.

I think I'll wrap this up now. I'm going to focus my posts less on my mental issues and more on my various musings and feelings about the things going on around me. Politics and world affairs will sneak in on occasion (Obama/Biden '08, bitches!) but for the most part I just need a place to get my feelings out there and to continue to write things on a daily basis. Maybe I'll start writing more short stories, too. Who knows?

Thanks for, uh, listening? Whatevs. Catch ya laterz.

Okay, okay, so I haven't posted in over a month...

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 05:14:00 +0000

I apologize to anyone who actually reads this thing. I just haven't had much to say, really. Here's a quick update...

I still have restless legs problems on occasion but it's getting better. I can actually sleep now.

Ross and I are still incredibly in love and happy. We're celebrating our one year anniversary on July 1st with a three day trip to Duluth where we'll be staying at a GORGEOUS bed and breakfast called the Cotton Mansion.

The critters are all well. The hermit crab died a few days ago, and as much as I love critters I'm pretty glad he's gone. I never wanted him in the first place (he was abandoned in the apartment I was in last summer) but I took care of it expecting it would die within a month or two like the hermit crabs I had as a kid. Well, a year later and the thing was STILL kicking. It's gone now and I don't think I'll ever own another hermit crab again (unless I have lil' kids who want one, but that's waaaay down the road).

Oh, in other critter news, I came home from work the other day to find that Hermia, one of my rats, had a huge chunk taken out of her ear and was bleeding a lot! Fortunately, it must have happened shortly before I came home because the wound was still fresh and I was able to stop the bleeding. I think Helena must've bit down too hard while the two were play fighting. I'm sure it wasn't anything malicious because the two wrestle all the time and if they got into a serious fight it would probably end in one of them dead or severely injured. Good thing that didn't happen!! I'm disinfecting the wound every night to make sure it heals properly and doesn't get infected. I really can't afford any more vet bills right now.

After searching for a new job to no avail, I finally got the guts to ask parking if they'd take me back. Much to my surprise, they said yes!! I was genuinely shocked, in all honesty. My little "issues" had caused me to be a pretty horrible employee. I started working again last week and it feels good to finally have something that requires me to actually get out of bed in the morning.

For the most part, I have been fairly stable. Granted, I still have to do a little work when it comes to getting up in the morning when I'm not scheduled to work and such, but I'm doing much better. Ross has been a HUGE help, especially in the mornings.

I got my tuition refund. I'm not sure how much my tuition was for last semester in its entirety, but I'm pretty sure I got a decent chunk of it back. The refund was nearly $3900. I'm going to use it to pay off most of the loan I had to take out a few months back so I don't get stuck with massive amounts of interest.

I'm still struggling with the whole "paying bills on time" thing. I haven't been real organized so I've forgotten on occasion. Perhaps I should get a little white board for my kitchen and write down the due dates for these things so I don't kill my credit and get stuck with more late charges.

I got an extension on my logic course. I wanted to complete it on time or even early, but things just don't pan out the way we'd like sometimes. I'm picking away at it and I hope to have all of the assignments done by the end of the month. I still will have the two exams to take, but those shouldn't be too tough. Since I'm taking the class pass-fail, it'll be fairly simple to get the C- I need to pass even if I do horribly on the tests.

Ross and I went to Barack Obama's big "I am the Democratic nominee for president" rally at the Xcel Energy Center last Tuesday. It was absolutely AMAZING! That man gives me hope that perhaps this country isn't doomed after all.

Ross has been sick with mono for the past month or so. At first we thought I had it, too, but it turns out I just had the flu at the same time he found out he had mono. We just assumed when he was tested positive for it that I had it as well since I was also sick. I haven't had the constant fatigue and lingering symptoms that he's had, though. I was over it in a week or so and he's still tired pretty much constantly. It's no fun at all, for either of us.

Hm, I can't think of anything else too important that's gone on recently. For my own benefit, I'm going to make a list of a few goals I have for the next month or two. You can probably ignore this part.

Write more.
Make an effort to not take on too much work.
Eat better.
Make some new friends.
Go to Lake Calhoun with Ross sometime soon.
Get up in the mornings.
DO NOT GET MORE CRITTERS.

I think that's all for now. If I think of anything else of interest I'll post it tomorrow. I have a lovely twelve hours of work tomorrow. I know, I know, I said I wouldn't take on too much, but I like doing a bunch of work in one or two days and having the rest of the week off. It's much easier.

Anyway. I <3 you all!

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Whoops, I forgot to write...

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 00:41:00 +0000

Lately I haven't had much to write about, so I have been forgetting to write. Sorry. Not like many people care much anyway...

Today was excellent. Ross and I went for a long walk down to the Midtown Global Market. There, we got ice cream and looked around. Following that was a trip to Target to pick up a few necessities and a nice walk back home. It's a gorgeous day outside. A nice breeze kept us cool as the sun shone down upon us, tanning (or, in my case, burning) our pale complexions. It was rather enjoyable.

Now, I'm sitting at a coffee shop trying to get my tuition refund letter done but not having any luck. I'm too bothered by my legs. Unfortunately, restless legs syndrome is something that runs in my family so it's not unusual that I have it, though it's been very bad lately. Since I was a kid I've had it on and off and most of the time it's merely a minor irritation. This time, though, it's been keeping me awake until 4 or 5 in the morning. I know that the reason I'm feeling it right now is because I've had a little too much caffeine today, though for the most part I've cut back on my caffeine consumption. I've been taking my vitamin supplements, too, so it's not the usual iron deficiency that's causing it. I'm not really sure what the problem is, but I'm going to try soaking in a warm bath tonight before bed.

I'd better get back to "work". <3

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Trying to keep my cool.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 17:09:00 +0000

I'm very energetic today. A little too energetic. Either it's the caffeine or the Adderall that's causing this, but either way I'm going to try to keep my cool so that I don't burn myself out. After about two weeks without any Adderall, I finally got around to the pharmacy to refill my prescription. I feel much better now. For some reason, I kept forgetting or when I did remember I just didn't feel like going.

The Lamictal is working quite well, though. I'm not quite as hungry as I was before and I am feeling much more stable. I won't know for a couple more weeks now just how effective it'll be, but I have high hopes for this one. Perhaps I've finally found the medications that work best for me.

Oh yes, it's spring! YAY! I do enjoy the lack of snow. Not needing a coat to go outside is nice as well. Sure, if it were 50 degrees in other parts of the country, people would be wearing parkas, hats, and gloves. Only in Minnesota does 50 degree weather cause people to break out their shorts and sandals.

Much love <3

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Freedom.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 18:53:00 +0000

I'm officially free. I am no longer employed. I can't work for parking anymore because I'm not taking enough credits at school. So, that's it. I'm now just going to work on my freelancing and on taking care of myself. I need to learn to relax, to flow with things, and to enjoy my life. I think this time's going to be vital for me. Wish me luck :)

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I'm okay now.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 18:54:00 +0000

I'm feeling better now. I am much more motivated today. I've written three freelance articles, bid on a few freelance projects, and I have even stuck to a fairly healthy diet thus far. I'm hoping the new meds are helping. I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not, but my doctor switched me to Lamictal. It takes awhile to build up so we'll see if it's going to work or not in the next few weeks.

The new meds always give me hope. I just hope that this one doesn't let me down, too. Wish me luck

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Sad day...

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 03:30:00 +0000

Today was pretty sad.

After numerous attempts at combining Zumi with my new chinchillas, Zelda and Zinnia, I gave up. I was pretty much ready to take them into the humane society when I saw an ad on craigslist. A young couple was looking for some chinchillas. They came and took them home. They were really sweet people who love animals so I was glad to see them get a good home.

It's a little depressing, but that's not what's really got me down right now.

I am fat. I am so super fat. I've gained so much weight recently. I haven't gone down to the YWCA since last week. I keep meaning to but I run out of time or I forget. I keep eating junk food, too. I crave it madly. It's ridiculous. I hate what I've become. I'm so incredibly ugly. Ross says I'm beautiful and all but I'm beginning to wonder about his standards of beauty. He says I'm more beautiful now than when I was a senior in high school. What the hell? I was freakin' hot back then. How can anyone see a fat blob like me as beautiful? I sure as hell don't see it.

Sigh. I need to sleep.

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Y-W-C-A!

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 02:09:00 +0000

That's right, folks: Janna's finally getting off her ass and getting herself back into shape. I am getting a membership to the YWCA where I am going to work out six days a week.

Not only do I want my former fit physique back, but I want to feel better. I want this damn anxiety to go away. I want to concentrate, to function, and most of all, I want to live. I know exercise can and does help me. Today I was incredibly proud of myself. I had just two hours before work, but I managed to get myself down to the Y, get a quick tour of the place, and try out the facilities. What would I have done had I not done this? Taken a nap.

Sleep is for sissies.

I feel really good now. A tad manic, but that's okay. I like being manic. I'm not actually bipolar, because my manic swings aren't severe enough for it to be classified as bipolar. So, for me, being manic is good. I am filled with energy, ambition, and drive. Perhaps this is the way I am
supposed to be. Maybe this is what I was meant to feel like.

Either that or I've had far too much caffeine today. That's always a possibility.

Love you all.
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Things fall apart...

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 02:04:00 +0000

Nothing is ever constant in life, is it? Things are always changing, always moving, always different. My mood reflects this nicely. One day, I am full of hope and excitement for life. The next, I can hardly crawl out of bed to cross the street in my pajamas for a burrito at Taco Bell. Life is funny like that, I suppose. I never really know what I want. I mean, sure, there are some things that are constant: my love for Ross and critters, that's one example. Another example is my dream for the future. I believe I've written about it before.

I've made a decision that's going to bring me a little closer to my dream. I've decided to drop my classes and take the rest of the semester off to work on my writing.

When I sat down and thought, "What do I really want to do?" that's what I came up with. I don't want to go to school or work. I want to sit here at the coffee shop or at another coffee shop or anywhere really and just write. I know that my writing is the one skill I have that I can depend on. It's what I am meant to do, I suppose.

I'm not giving up. I'm simply taking a different direction for now. I'll go back to school in the fall, and in the meantime I still have a few distance learning classes to finish up. I'll never be a "traditional four-year student". Then again, I'll probably never be a "traditional person", either. That's just not how I roll.

Oh yeah, and Ross and I got guinea pigs. They're in his apartment and they're ADORABLE. Hehe.

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I fixeded it!

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 21:36:00 +0000

I was already making plans to buy a new laptop rather than spending $200 on replacement parts when I got an ingenious idea for fixing my CD/DVD drive: dusting it. I blew inside the compartment where the drive sits, and lo and behold, IT WORKS!!

I'm feeling rather accomplished, and I'm happy because now I can watch a movie while I'm at work here. I'm currently watching Seven Samurai which is pretty good so far but I just hate watching movies alone. It's not my thing. I like to have someone to watch it with.

The other day, Ross and I took Daisy on her date with a handsome little bunny boy named Gizmo. He's a "special needs" bunny; he's got a problem with his front legs. They don't work very well and he probably doesn't have any feeling in them. He hops around with a swimming-like motion, but he gets around nonetheless. He's absolutely adorable! The date went rather well. I was worried about Daisy, though, because there was a cold wind outside and we had to wait for the train, the bus, and for our ride to the Animal Humane Society in Golden Valley. Still, she and Gizmo got along wonderfully. The two of them are so cute together!

In other news, Ross and I are probably going to get guinea pigs as well. We found a few pigs on Petfinder that we really like, so we've got some choices. I am so excited! It's so nice to be in love with someone who shares your love for critters :D

Love you all. Buh bye.

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Bunnies and piggies and kitties, OH MY!

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 18:23:00 +0000

My kitty is such a cuddler. He refuses to stay to my side like I want him to and insists on climbing right in my lap, making typing a little difficult. How can I say no to a face like that, though?

Things have been bad recently, but I think I'm on the rebound again. 56 <- that was some cat typing there. He just happened to hit the 5 and 6 keys before I pushed him off.

Back to what I was saying. I haven't done anything for a couple of days. I just couldn't. I was so apathetic and just... tired. Exhausted. Emotionally and physically. Life just gets too tiring sometimes.

I'm feeling better for now, though. On Friday, Ross and I are going to the Minnetonka Petco so Daisy can have a date with a bunny-boy named Gizmo. Ross is really interested in adopting Gizmo which makes me very happy. He's an adorable little lionhead who looks a lot like Daisy. They'll be so precious together! Speaking of Daisy, here's a picture of her. After brushing her, she was all static-y so I took some pictures. She's such a fluff-head.

Also, Ross and I are considering getting guinea pigs. We're just a couple of critter lovers!!
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Critter addiction?

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 03:55:00 +0000

Is there such a thing as a critter addiction? If there is, I think I have it.

...I want another bunny.

Just one bunny in particular, though. I was looking at rabbits with Ross because he'd like to adopt one eventually. Well, I ran across one in particular who I want really badly and think would go well with Daisy. Arg. I am obsessed.

But... but... Daisy would probably like a friend!! Bunnies are social critters.

Ah well. I'll probably get over this eventually.

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Sigh.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 18:47:00 +0000

Things are... bleh. I'm trying, I really am. Don't ever doubt that. It's just...

I'm not doing.

I'm making it to class maybe half the time. The beginning of the week is always pretty good, but by the end I am overwhelmed. And yet, for some reason, I am able to pile on more hours at work. I know I'm in need of money but I think I'm going a little overboard.

I got some more self-help books from Barnes and Noble. I have a lot of hope that ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life will prove itself helpful. As for the others, well, we'll see.

All I know right now is, after this summer (because of all of my distance learning and potential summer classes) I am determined to start writing a novel. I'm going to finish a novel, edit it, and start sending it out for potential publication. I want to prove to myself that no matter what happens I can rely on my talents and strengths to make it in life. I'm going to prove to myself that I can do this. I need to prove to myself that I'm worthwhile.

I'll do whatever it takes. I promise.

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A dream.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 16:32:00 +0000

I think I've discovered the solution to my problems. It might be the "magic fix" that I've been looking for all along. It's that glimmer of hope I've been needing that, no matter what happens with school or work or whatever, that things are going to be okay. It's something that nobody can take away from me because it is mine.

It's a dream.

At the end of this last week, things were getting rough. I was missing classes again and feeling as if I was failing once more. I wasn't quite sure where to go or what to do until Ross suggested something that I'd thought about before but never realized the power of until last night. A dream for the future.

Want to hear my dream? Okay, here it is.

Ross and I are going to live in a cute little house here in Minneapolis. We're going to paint it light pink. It will have at least three bedrooms. One bedroom will be our room, another will be Ross's library, and the last room will be the "Critter Room" where we'll keep the chinchilla, bunnies, hamsters, rats, and whatnot. Roaming around the house will be our cats, of course, and I'm going to get Ross a beagle. The house has to have stairs so the beagle can scamper up and down the stairs.

I'm going to be a writer. I will spend my days at coffee shops around town with a computer on my lap, sipping a cup of chai as I pen a novel or screenplay. Maybe, if our house is big enough, I'll be able to make my own little home office where I'll do my work. Perhaps I won't be able to always have creative freedom, so I'll do a little freelancing here and there until my works start getting published, but I'll always put what I want to write first before anything else. Ross will be going to grad school doing this time. Who knows? Maybe I'll go to grad school, too. The university has a great creative writing MFA program. The point is, I'm going to be self-employed. That's all there is to it.

The most important part about this dream is that it is shared. Ross and I have talked about it, and we honestly see ourselves together in our future dreams. We are young, in love, and happy together, so why not? It feels good to know that no matter what happens you're going to have somebody there by your side.

Call my an idealist, but I can honestly see this dream becoming a reality. It will take some work, of course, and it's a dream I'm willing to put my heart and soul into making come true. Some dream of money, fame, big houses, fancy cars, success and the like, and that's all fine. I'd like some of that stuff, too, but that's not my priority in life. My priorities are love, happiness, and Ross. Wait, let me re-order that... Ross, love, and happiness. In that order.

What's significant about all of this is that I have something to work for now. A "big picture", if you will. Sure, I have a number of short-term goals that need to work towards before I can get there, but I realize now that even if I fail a test, get anxious over a class, or even get fired from my job, I'm still going to have that dream. It can still come true. My life isn't going to end just because I have a panic attack or something.

I think that's what I've been needing: a Big Picture in my life to focus on so that I won't perspire over the minuscule details in life. Let's see how it goes, shall we? I'm going to find some way to always remind myself of this dream and I'll keep that reminder with me always.

I may not always be happy, I may have hard days, and I may fail on occasion. But I'll never give up that hope. It's mine and I'll never let go of it.

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My Valentine.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:25:00 +0000

Today my Valentine skipped class for me. When I was down, having a hard time making it through, he came to be by my side. He held me close, wiped away my tears, and made things all better. He talked me through my pain. He told me time and time again that he loved me. I looked back into his eyes, whose gaze told me his love was true, and I told him I loved him, too.

I don't care if it's cheesy or corny, damn it. I love him. I love him with all of my heart and all of my soul. I've never loved anymore more deeply than I love him. This is a feeling that won't suddenly go away or even fade with time. When love is true, it lasts. I believe this is the case with my Ross and I. We truly love each other and for that I am eternally grateful.

I love you, Ross. More than anything or anybody else. More than I can say with words alone.

I will always be by your side, that can I promise you.

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Hamster baby-making.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 02:47:00 +0000

Sooo... I am trying to make hamster babies.

I got two female Chinese hamsters, who I've named Mocha and Chai (though I can barely tell them apart), last week. I decided to go with female Chinese hamsters so that I could attempt to breed my current hamster, Ashley, and make little Ashley babies. I made the first attempt tonight to make hamster babies. Let's just say... it didn't go entirely well. The first ham, Mocha, wasn't very interested in baby making. The second, Chai, was more interested but a fight broke out after a little while. Ashley got bit on his bad paw and was bleeding. I stopped the bleeding and cleaned his wound with some salt water. I feel bad that he got hurt, though. I should have been watching more closely to break apart any fights before they started.

Ah well, I did my best. And I may have hamster babies on the way. At least, I certainly hope so after all of that!

Today wasn't so good overall. I felt awfully tired so I missed class and my doctor's appointment. I just couldn't wake up. Then, my cough started to get bad again. I was sick last week and I thought I was better but now I'm feeling sick again. Bleh. Just what I needed, huh?

I think part of the problem was work last night. I got stuck working an event. But not just any event, OOOOH no... It was a Gophers basketball game. It's the Big Ten, so it's kind of a big deal. It was absolute INSANITY. I probably just exacerbated my lingering cold by working outside for long periods of time. The only plus to the whole situation was that a few people told me to keep the change so I got an extra $7 in cash. That, and I got to go home early, also a good perk.

Time to go check all the critters before I go to bed. Peace out, yo.

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Wasting time.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 19:05:00 +0000

Am I wasting time right now? Yes. Do I care much? Not really.

I'm not feeling especially good today, in some respects. Mostly in a physical sense. I've got a cough and sore throat, leading me to believe that I'm getting sick. I can only hope that this is the end of it and it won't get any worse. Mentally, I'm feeling quite good. I actually finished my reading for my English class last night. I was so proud of myself because I didn't think I could do it, but lo and behold, Janna pulled it off. Nearly 100 pages in an hour and a half! Not that the text was especially thick or difficult, but still. That's quite an accomplishment to me.

Of course, it was only a matter of time before I got that itch again. That itch that says, "Critters are cute! You need more!" I know I don't need any more pets. But... now that I'll have an extra hamster cage, it's very tempting. Another ham-ham would be nice. Ashley shouldn't live much longer anyway. I know, I've said that for like six months, but that's when I thought he had cancer. It turns out the tumors must be benign because he's still kicking and is in good shape. He sleeps most of the time, but he comes out to run on his wheel or chew up a toilet paper tube every once in awhile.

I really am addicted, aren't I?

I am excited for my support group today. Since I've decided to quit the volunteer thing, I can go to my support group again now. Yay! Nothing like chatting it up with other students who are a little messed up in the head. It's great.

I really need to finish a paper now... Okaybye.

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Ups and downs.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 02:42:00 +0000

Wow, talk about ups and downs. Yesterday I was like on a high, and today was another low. It's strange, really. A lot of it has to do with energy levels. I had no energy today because I couldn't sleep last night. I forgot to take my meds before work, so I didn't accomplish much there in the realm of homework. So, after having brunch with Ross, I went home to take my meds and I'd planned on going to class. I was so exhausted, though, I thought I'd nap and go to geology later. That never happened. I'd set my alarm and all, but I fell asleep slumped over the side of my bed and overslept for class. Ouch.

Thus, I got anxious. I called in sick to work. Ross came over to calm me down. The usual.

I'm going to attempt to get a good amount of sleep tonight. I really need it.

DBT yesterday was pretty nice. We started the unit on Interpersonal Effectiveness. My first thought as we were given the sheet overviewing the unit was, "Why couldn't I have learned this stuff a year ago?" Honestly, these skills would've been so nice to have during my conflicts with Lief and Miki. Seriously. Now, I have no real way in which to practice them. My relationship with Ross is essentially perfect right now, so there's not much need for these skills. I will learn them the best I can, though, because I know they'll be useful in the future. Things won't always be perfect with Ross and I.

One thing I found funny was that my therapist began by saying that we'd probably never be in a relationship with the perfect man, the man of our dreams. To be completely honest, though, I am with the man of my dreams. I couldn't imagine anyone better than him for me. He's the ultimate support when I'm down, the perfect, attentive lover, the skilled cuddler, and a connoisseur of all that's cute. What's NOT to like? I'm not even saying this from some delusional standpoint. I never would've called my previous relationship perfect.

Sure, life might not always be so easy in these regards, but I think it won't be too hard. Ross and I both love each other and respect each other. We're lovers, friends, and partners. That's what makes for a good relationship. You've got to be all three in order for things to work.

...

I just ordered a new hamster cage. Do I need it? No. Do I want it? Of course. It's the CritterTrail Pink. I think it'll be a little more kitty secure and on top of that, well, it's PINK. Haha. My poor little Ashley, the guy's been so emasculated. He has one testicle that's cancerous, he sleeps in a pink elephant, and now he's going to be living in a pink home. I love the lil' guy to death.

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Ouch, that's no fun.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 17:07:00 +0000

So, my financial aid appeal has been denied.

What does that mean, exactly?

It means I don't get my financial aid because I haven't completed enough credits. Ouch. I was super depressed about it last night, but this morning I read the e-mail a little more carefully and discovered there's a stipulation.

I have to complete more of these credits that I have yet to complete. So, here's the plan.

I'm almost finished with my creative writing incomplete, so that grade will get posted real soon. That's four extra credits. Then, I'm going to finish my online psychology class next week. I'm on chapter four of eighteen. Is it going to suck? Yes. Will I have no life after Sunday night? Pretty much.

I might as well go out with a bang, though.

Sunday's my birthday, as I mentioned before. I'm twenty. Whoo! It'll be exciting, I think. I've got a bunch of friends who are planning on coming out to the Village Wok to eat delicious Chinese foods with me. Following that, we're going to my place to eat cookies and hang out. It's one of those times when I wish I had a copy of Guitar Hero. I should invest in one, perhaps.

Anyway, I need to get going on my homework. I've got a lot of it to do here. It's time for me to prove to myself that I CAN DO THIS.

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Schedule changes.

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 14:00:00 +0000

My schedule has changed dramatically from what I thought it'd be last week. For one, my work schedule has been straightened out. They messed up when making the schedule so the schedule I'd requested was given to someone else. I got a different schedule, which I would've been okay with except that they had me working from 7 to noon on both Saturday and Sunday. To make matters worse, they were float shifts, so I wouldn't know until I got there where I'd be. Bleh. I talked to my boss and got switched to some different shifts at the West Bank Office Building on Friday and Saturday. Much better.

Since I don't have to work Monday and Wednesday mornings anymore, I switched my karate class time, too. I'm now doing the Monday-Wednesday class instead of Tuesday night. It'll be easier and probably better health-wise to spread it out.

Other than that, things are going quite well. My birthday is this Sunday and I've got plans to hang out with friends and have a wonderful evening. Oh, have I mentioned that Ross is moving into my apartment building as of March? I am super excited! It'll be so nice to have him nearby.

Time to get going on some readings I have to have done before class today. Have a wonderful day, everyone. I know I probably will.
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Chicken Noodle Soup for the Janna's Soul

noreply@blogger.com (I'm Janna.) — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 04:04:00 +0000

I've had two bowls of chicken noodle soup today, along with a few glasses of orange juice. I don't care if there's no scientific evidence supporting these cures. They taste good and make my stomach feel better.

I am feeling a little better, physically. I made it to one class today. That's quite a step for me. When I'm even a little bit sick, I usually stay home entirely. I was feeling very sick today and I still made it to one class. Sure, I missed work and two other classes, but it's better than nothing I suppose. I was going to try to make it to another class but the three hour wait on campus in between classes was too agonizing. I managed to stick around for a half an hour until I decided I felt far too sick to handle it any longer.

Walking up the steps in Nicholson Hall to get to that one class was difficult enough. I already knew I was late, and when I arrived and looked down at my schedule to find that I needed to get to the third floor, I was a tad disappointed. I should have found an elevator rather than stress out my virus-ridden body, but I tried the stairs anyway. I'm sure the guy who was walking behind me thought I must have tuberculosis or something. I coughed and wheezed up the staircases until I finally arrived on the third floor.

The class, Intro to Film Study, looks to be fairly interesting. I arrived a little late, but when I did get there the teacher was having the class go around and share names, majors, and favorite movie scenes. I was the last to go since I came in late and all, and the first scenes that came to mind were from Much Ado About Nothing and Star Trek First Contact. Oh, what a nerd I am. But who could not love the scene where Lily compares Captain Picard to Ahab hunting Moby Dick?! It's so freakin'... GOOD. Plus, I just watch that film last week so it was fresh in my memory.

Patrick Stewart is probably the only old bald man I'd have sex with.

Anyway.

I'm going to pet a kitty and go to bed. I want to make it to work tomorrow morning. Work is good. Money is even better.

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