That happened people!

Disturbing

2011-10-25T13:06:00.000-07:00

I received some disturbing news last week about our 19-month old daughter; she is pushing older children. As you can imagine I was disturbed by this information. Yes, I understand most children do not begin exhibiting aggressive behavior until age three or four. However, our child has been an early developer.
I needed to know how my daughter was pushing children so we could correct this problem. Apparently, she was running up to kids and shoving them right in the chest. If I've told her once, I've told her twice: squat down low and drive with your legs as you push. Our daughter needs to understand leverage if she going to challenge bigger kids. The last thing I want for her is a back injury by using poor technique.

My point: Get low and drive through the desired object you are trying to tackle.

Yes, Christians can do that...

2011-10-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

I am constantly asked questions that begin in this manner, "So you're a Christian...." Just because I am a Christian and I have a seminary degree it does not mean I have all the answers. Sure, I have 99% percent of the answers. However, everyone likes to ask me about the 1% I don't know.

The other night at work I was asked, "Why can't Christians smoke cigarettes?" I quickly replied, "Christians can smoke all they want. I just don't smoke. We all know smoking is not good for your health, but Jesus is not going to deny your salvation because you are a chain smoker. You might have to leave your Marlboro Reds outside the pearly gates, but you're still invited to the party."

Or how about this question, "Is it ok for Christians to practice the Paleo Diet?" (No whole grains, dairy, alcohol or refined sugars.) Really? Does this question need to be answered? This guy's argument: "God put whole grains and milk on the earth, why can't we eat them?" Last time I checked I don't want a steak dinner with a side of steamed poison ivy.

My point: When we were kids nobody was allergic to gluten.

Really?

2011-10-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry blog readers that I dropped off the face of the earth since August. Do you want excuses or do you want humor?

Here are my top 3 excuses:
3. I am more concerned about my hair than I am my blog.
2. My daughter has starting watching Mickey Mouse on my computer. Anytime I want to use it she will say, "I need this." That is her version of "mine."
1. Finally, I have been focusing on my career as a dishwasher. Pretty soon I'll get my big break in the food service industry.

My Point: I just got laid off work tonight, so I'll have a little more free time.

I'm going to camp!!!

2011-08-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

This week I am in beautiful British Columbia attending Malibu Young Life Camp. What is this camp you ask? Only the best week of your life. However, here is a list 5 things that could go wrong. Don't worry parents this has never happened to me.

5. We forget your child at a McDonald's bathroom break. We realize our mistake 200 miles later.
4. A student thinks it will be hilarious to pull a prank at the Canadian Border. Too bad your child was detained and you had to fly across the country to retrieve them.
4. Your child decides they want to become a Canadian Citizen. They insist on watching hockey everyday, they want gravy on their fries, and they love to say eh.
3. Your child has an allergic reaction to In-N-Out Burgers and one of our trip leaders will be scarred for life. He will swear to his grave the burger didn't hurt the child.
2. Your child takes a dare that he cannot land a perfect swan dive off the side of our ferry taking us to camp. Oh he lands it alright, but no one told him about protocol for someone falling overboard.
1. On the day camp ends, one of our students decides to travel home with another group from California to pursue a romantic relationship.

My Point: Anything can happen at the Boo.

Dear Blog,

2011-07-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

I am sorry that we broke up a couple weeks ago. I know we have been together for a couple years now, but my daughter, wife, job(s), and fantasy sports having been taking up more time than expected. I still care so much about you. I am not ready to let you go. We have been through thick and thin. You stayed by my side as I recovered from numerous injuries. You were there when I walked down the isle with my wife. You witnessed the birth of my child.

Don't despair we can still salvage our relationship,

love,

Your Blogger

Dear Pandora Radio

2011-06-30T21:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Pandora,

We've had a great relationship for the past couple years, but lately you have not treated me with the respect I deserve. Please do not feel threatened. I am only asking that you hear me out.

A while back, you added the option of adding variety to our music channels. I've loved this option. Sometimes you throw me a curve ball on my Zac Brown Radio, but usually you are right on cue. You correctly guessed that I am a Journey, Train, and Aerosmith fan. At first, I did not question these selections on my country channel.

Last week, you went too far. You crossed the line. I may be one of the few Americans who listens to Rascal Flatts, Jason Aldean, and Lady Antebellum while snowboarding. I stand by my choices while I am dropping chutes. However, I do not accept you trying to slip Hotel California past me while I am bench pressing at the gym. In the middle of my set I stopped and rewarded you with a big thumbs down. Everyone makes a mistake once in awhile, but two songs later you dropped Bryan Adams' (Everything I Do) I Do it For You. You did nothing for me except ruin my workout.

My point: Consider yourself on double secret probation.

Questions for Thursday

2011-06-23T18:06:00.000-07:00

Here are 5 questions I have for this Thursday.

5. Who is offended if you call a Honda motorcycle Chinese?
4. When you throw an entire bag of trash on the ground do you envision me shoveling it into a dumpster at 10 o'clock at night? Well maybe you should.
3. What is proper etiquette for passing gas behind the bar at work?
2. When did getting a rental car become such a hassle? Just hurry up with the paperwork so I can wreck it.
1. Should I be concerned that my wife wants to be on the Bachelorette?

My point: I love being treated second class by people with no class.

10 Things I Learned at a Funeral

2011-06-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

Last week I had to rush home to Georgia to perform my first funeral. Here are 10 important things I learned.

10. South Georgia celebrates death with Miller Time, Glocks, and endless rounds of ammunition.

9. Do not drink a Red Bull before you perform a memorial service. Thankfully, I drank a Monster instead.
8. It is perfectly acceptable to change into your suit in the McDonalds bathroom.
7. Men who shop at Piggly Wiggly are not expected to change their children.

6. You can buy an item called smoked knuckles at the local Farmer's Market.

5. It is perfectly acceptable to trash talk each other at a funeral service.
4. Pork Rinds are high protein and low in fat, but they will never be considered health food.
3. To make things interesting its a great idea to make bets before the service begins. You can bet on the length of the service, most unlikely guest, or who will cry first.
2. No one cares if you take a smoke break or answer your phone in the middle of the service.
1. Make sure you get all the facts straight. I told one whopper of a lie at the eulogy.

My point: I didn't win either one of my bets, but at least I wasn't shot.

Yes!

2011-06-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

Here is the strangest thing about being a parent. You want your child to walk, talk, and read before every other child. Why? Because we are Americans and we hate to
wait for anything.

For example, most children start rolling over between 4 and 6 months. Our daughter developed the ability to roll off the couch at 3 months. Sure this caused a black eye, but she did it first. A large majority of children begin eating solid foods at approximately 5 months. Our daughter was eating solid foods at 4 months, by 8 months she was eating odd foods like hummus. By 10 months our daughter was eating Spicy Lime and Tequila tortilla chips. Finally, children will begin walking around one year of age. However, it is perfectly normal for a child to wait until 16 months until they take their first steps. Our daughter started walking at 10 months.

Every time our daughter hits one of these milestones I say, "Yes, my daughter isn't stupid."

My point: I don't see too many elementary school kids crawling around the school or breast feeding. They're going to figure it out eventually, but just remember my kid did it first.

10 Things I'll Never Do

2011-06-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry if you fall into one of these categories, but here are 10 things I'll never do.

10. Own a custom bowling ball. I won't make this mistake twice.
9. Wear a glove when I play billiards. Well I might if it looked like Micheal Jackson's glove.
8. Pay to watch a mime. I would like to meet the people who pay to watch mimes.

7. Dress up like Chewbacca and wait in line for five hours to see the latest Star Wars movie. Did you know Chewbacca is over 200 years old?
6. Attend a Star Trek convention, Dragon*Con, or Comic-Con. However, Dragon*Con is held in my home state of Georgia.

5. Own a Geo Tracker, Suzuki Sidekick, or a PT Cruiser. When I was 16, I wanted a lowrider Geo Tracker with wire wheels. Mmmm... My parents taught me to shoot for the stars.

4. Wear mesh gloves, spandex, or Gold's Gym t-shirt when I workout. The mesh gloves might come in handy for spaghetti.
3. Wear tight-whiteys, turtleneck t-shirts, or gold chains. I might consider a sleeveless turtleneck for a day at the water park.
2. Wear black jeans with no shirt at the beach. Did I even consider wearing this outfit?
1. Attend a Nickleback concert. Pandora tried to sneak a song past me yesterday, but I nipped that one in the bud.

My point: I'll never do that.

Good News and Bad News

2011-06-01T15:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but sometimes I catch myself searching Craigslist for part-time jobs to supplement our income. Has this ever paid off? No. Do I think this will ever pay off? No. Will I stop this pointless search? Probably not.

Then today, gold finally struck. The big break I have been waiting for. After going to college for 5 or 6 years (Who is really counting?), graduate school, and a couple years on the job training. My big break was found hidden in a Craigslist ad.

You guessed it: Red Lobster is hiring!!!

My point: If we can't live at the beach, I might as well work for Dead Lobster.

10 Reasons...

2011-05-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

Here are the 10 reasons I didn't have time to write a humorous blog this week.

10. I just returned from picking up dog poop from the front of our church. I am still curious how dogs are able to poop in some of these places.
9. I found out I am having another lip surgery. So much for keeping a stiff upper lip.
8. I was reminded more than once this week I lost on American Gladiators. Does that make you feel better?
7. I played poker with a coal miner until one in the morning. I complain about my part-time job and this guy is a coal miner. He spends half of his life in a cold dark mine shaft.
6. One of my co-workers was fired for his bad attitude and I had to wait on a customer with the last name Glasscock. I wonder how they handled that last name at Ellis Island?
5. Atlanta Braves' second baseman, Dan Uggla, has taken joy out of my life. I'm blaming you Mr. Uggla, but I am not sure why.

4. My wife and I drove seven hours to see U2, but had to skip the concert because our daughter hates sleeping away from home. Can you tell a one-year old to suck it up?
3. I drove two hours to deliver a sermon and then my theology was questioned. Yet, the person had no specific question.
2. Reality TV has made me feel bad about my lack of singing or dancing talent. I miss the good old days when TBS was the best thing on cable.
1. Finally, I'm going through a rough spot right now because Pandora suggested I like: Michael Buble, Boston, and Bryan Adams. Please Pandora, you are giving me way too much credit.

My point: Maybe next week.

5 Questions for Friday

2011-05-20T11:06:00.000-07:00

Here are five questions I have for Friday:

5. After I come home from vacation, why does my memory foam act like we've never met?

4. Why do people shoot imaginary guns at my daughter?

3. Why is auto-bill so difficult?

2. Why aren't more arguments settled with cage fighting and chicken feet?

1. My daughter is beautiful, smart, and healthy. So why does my wife want to have another child?

My point: I want another snowboard, but you don't hear me complaining.

Witch One?

2011-05-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I forgot to share this story. When I was fresh out of college, I worked as a drug and alcohol counselor for teenagers. This had to be the worst job I've ever had. First of all, I had to beg the employer to hire me. Then, they stuck me on the graveyard shift. It was my job to put the teenagers to sleep, make sure they didn't break out of their rooms, and wake them up in the morning for breakfast. There were absolutely no redeeming qualities about this job. They called me a counselor, but I would refer to myself as a babysitter with a college degree.

The second worst part about this job was my co-workers. (If you are reading this, you do not fall into the worst category because we are still friends.) Several of them told the kids not to smoke pot during the day and then these "counselors" would go fire one up before bed. You know I am not talking about a candle from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Another one of my co-workers was an exotic dancer during her days off. Not the role model I want for my children. It's my belief that it should be a prerequisite for an "exotic" dancer to have horns, scales, or webbed feet. However, my strangest co-worker was not the nudie duck dancer, but one who claimed to be a witch.

You heard that correctly, she claimed to be a witch. She did not have a wart on the end of her nose and she never asked me to pick up any 'eye of newt' when I was downtown. Yet, she claimed to be a real deal witch who cast spells. Here is an interesting fact about this witch: she only casts spells for good. Well thank goodness for that. I was always worried about getting on her wrong side or stepping on her black cat.

After months of being intrigued by the witch (should witch be capitalized?) I finally said, "I think its weird that you are a witch." Without missing a beat she said, "Well, I think its weird you are a Christian."

Then the day came when things got really weird. Witch called in sick to work. It happens to all of us, unfortunately for her she had to be rushed to the emergency room because she was suffering from severe dehydration and exhaustion.

How did she get so sick you ask? Her best friend was not feeling well, so she had stayed up all night with her casting spells. By the time morning had come, the witch had been drained of all of her power, not energy my friends... power. Yes, she had been drained of all her magic power. She cast so many spells it almost killed her.

My point: I've got to go, I left something brewing.

Smell That?

2011-05-10T15:24:00.000-07:00

Have y’all seen all these new Febreze smells? I figured there are two smells in life: fresh and nasty. I bought one of these "new smells" yesterday, called Brazilian Carnival. Now I’ve never been to Brazil, but if I had to guess it does not smell like children’s cough syrup. I bet that 99.9% of people who buy this have never been to Brazil. 50% of these people could not find it on a map and 20% think Brazil is some liberal town in California.

When are they going to start creating some smells that I understand? For example: Backwoods Georgia, Sunburned at the Beach, or Burnt Rubber on Asphalt.

Better yet, create some useful smells like… Smell of Success… Smell of Victory… or Smell of Telling Your Boss to Shut Up. I guarantee you I would be in his office spraying that stuff in the middle of the night. I might even hide by the coffee maker first thing in the morning.

My point: This post was just for fodder and is not directly targeted toward any of my current employers. With that said, you know who I am talking. Seriously just kidding, but you know what I am talking about.

If My Daughter Could Talk Like an Adult...

2011-05-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder what goes through my daughter's little mind. I would love to know what she is thinking when I give her milk when she clearly wants juice or when I place her in a car seat for an hour long car ride.

Here are the 10 questions I bet she is dying to ask me:

10. Why do you put everything out of my reach?
9. Its my mouth, why can't I put rocks in it?
8. If candy tastes so good, why do I have to eat that other stuff?
7. Where does Dad go before bed at night? Why can't I go with him?
6. Why does Dad always look nervous when I decide to explore on my own?
5. Dad wears the same outfit everyday, why can't I do the same thing?
4. Why do I have to look at the backseat when I get in the car?
3. When does Mom change your diaper?
2. Why do you always put me to bed when y'all are staying up having fun?
1. Why does Dad wear shorts when we get in the tub?

My point: You are growing so fast, please slow down.

Two Year Anniversary

2011-05-02T11:13:00.000-07:00

In honor of our wedding anniversary today, I have decided to provide the top 10 challenges we have faced during these first two years of marriage.

10. We had to cancel our honeymoon due to the world's battle with the swine flu.
9. We endured my 5th major knee surgery.
8. We moved to a new town, where our closest friends and family live approximately 600 miles away.
7. For approximately 4 months, I supported our family on one part-time job.
6. We sat on the floor for three weeks after we had to give back our borrowed couch.
5. To earn a $150 dollars a dug a hole for some stranger one Saturday morning.
4. We moved 5 times in our first year of marriage.
3. We became pregnant after being married for one month... Still not sure I understand birth control.
2. One of our highlights last year: receiving public health care for our daughter.
1. We had to move two weeks before our daughter's due date.

My point: At least we haven't hit a rough patch.

I'm Looking For Someone Special

2011-04-28T14:21:00.000-07:00

I don't usually post things of this nature on my blog, but I am going through a rough patch right now. My partner just left me. After 5 years together, its over. He was my soul mate. The peanut butter to my jelly. The Wendy's Fries to my Frosty. The Skeletor to my He-Man.

We were inseparable. We bench pressed together, we did bicep curls until we wanted to puke, and sometimes we would stay up late at night drinking protein shakes.

Now I am back in the game. I'm not even sure how I find a new partner. Are there websites for this sort of thing? When I see a guy who works out, how do I approach him? Maybe he already has a partner. Maybe he likes to workout alone. Maybe he's not looking for anything serious at the moment.

What if my new partner has weird habits? He only wears super tight Zebra Spandex. He breathes bad breathe into my face while I am doing bench press. Or he's an extreme grunter.

Its entirely possible, he is the guy who likes to hang naked in the locker room for twenty minutes. There is no reason to do this, except to prove he can.

My point: Get your minds out of the gutter. We are talking about a new workout partner.

The Runaway Bunny?

2011-04-25T11:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sure I am not the only parent who does this, but I might be one of the only one to admit that I do. I will purposely change the words in my daughter's children's books to add a little laughter to the story.

Here is my version of The Runaway Bunny.

Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away.
So he said to his mother, "I am running away."
"If you run away," said his mother, "I will save a lot of money on our grocery bill.
For you eat a lot little bunny."

"If you run after me," said the little bunny,
"I will become a fish in a trout stream
and I will swim away from you."

"If you become a fish in a trout stream," said his mother,
"I will probably go down to the dock and have a couple drinks."

"If you don't become a fisherman," said the little bunny,
"I will become a rock on the mountain, high above you."

"If you become a rock on a mountain high above me."
said his mother, "I will be a mountain climber,
and I will toss that rock right off the top."

"If you become a mountain climber,"
said the little bunny,
"I will be a crocus in a hidden garden,"

"If you become a crocus in a hidden garden,"
said his mother, "I will lift my leg and pee on you."

"If you pee on me,"
said the little bunny, "I will become a little boy
and run into a house."

"If you become a little boy and run into a house,"
said the mother bunny, "I will call the police and
press charges."

"Shucks," said the bunny, "You are mean as a snake,
I might just just as well stay here and be your
little bunny."

And so he did.
"Have a carrot," said the mother bunny.

My point: I'll read this story how I see fit!

Do you think I am stupid?

2011-04-20T11:40:00.000-07:00

Male readers listen up. Do not say to your wife, "What do you think I am stupid?" In the next week, I can guarantee with ninety-nine percent certainty you'll do one of the stupidest things you have ever done. It will be one of those moments where you say, "Thank goodness no one saw that!"

Unfortunately, someone did see. That one special person you promised for better or worse. Currently, you are sitting on worse.

My moment happened last week when I was doing the brakes on our Subaru to save our family a little money. I put everything back together and I hopped in to take a test drive. Only there are two problems with this scenario. One: Our driveway has a steep slope that ends in a ditch. Two: I forgot to pump the brakes to make sure they were working.

How could I forget to pump the brakes? Everyone knows to pump the brakes. Let's move forward to the chaos. I slowly put the car in reverse, but I can't stop. I yank the emergency brake moments before the car falls all the way into the ditch.

Seconds later, my wife comes running out of the house. "Andy, what's the car doing in the ditch?"

"What? I didn't even notice I parked the car in the ditch."

Then she busted me, "Andy, did you pump the brakes? Everyone knows to pump the brakes!"

My point: Learn from all of my mistakes.

Mellow Yellow?

2011-04-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

I saw an add for Mellow Yellow earlier this week and thought to myself, "Who picks Mellow Yellow over Mountain Dew?" In honor of Mellow Yellow, I have decided to come up with some new marketing slogans for some products which may have dipped in popularity.

10. Mellow Yellow... The other yellow testicle shrinking soda.
9. Maxwell House Coffee... Good to the last drop, if you can't afford Starbucks.
8. Blimpie Subs... America's Sub Shop, if you can find one.
7. Pony... Taking Wal-Mart customers down one shoe at a time.
6. Jordache Jeans... Perfect for your high school reunion.

5. Old Navy...Our clothes won't last long enough to be called old.

4. Jelly Shoes... Nothing says class like cramming your toes into a clear shoe.
3. The Game of Life... Its not a game anymore.
2. Mcafee Virus Protector... You're infected and we'll make you think we're working on it.
1. My Buddy Doll... Guess who's finally out of prison!

My point: I still want a pair of parachute pants!

Sick Child

2011-04-12T11:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Babycenter.com and Parenting.com,

I am a father of a 1 year old girl who has a bad cold at the moment. Last night she refused to fall asleep. I rocked her, rubbed her back, gave her Pedialyte popsicles, watched an episode of Backyardigans, gave her Tylenol, but nothing worked. Finally, at 2am I turned to your websites for any help you could provide.

For one, I do not appreciate reading your comments that start off with these statements, "Its okay mommy." or "I know how you feel mom." or "Its tough being a mother sometimes." Yes, I realize there are a lot of dead beat dads who don't know how to use the internet. However, it would be nice to see gender inclusive language like y'all. For example, "I know its tough being a parent y'all, but suck it up."

For two stop telling me to breast feed my child. I cannot physically breast feed my child and she won't take a bottle. Last time I checked, no child is drinking breast milk from a sippy cup. Finally, I can do without these comments as well, "Dad, wake up your wife because there is nothing you can do to help your child."

My point: Be thankful I don't have your home number.

My co-worker

2011-04-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

As many of y'all know, I am a part-time youth pastor and work part-time at a bar. The good news, I am a full-time disappointment to my wife's family.

Let's not get sidetracked. As I am sure you can imagine, I have to defend my faith on a daily basis when I am behind the bar. Most people are shocked that my "other" job is being a minister. For one: working at the bar is my "other" job. For two: I did not move to a ski town to grind out an existence as a bartender to fulfill my dreams of being a snowboard bum.

Once again I digress. I have to defend my faith at work. Some of my co-workers tell me religion is a waste of my time. They will prod me with the standard questions, "Do you think I am going to hell?" or "Are you judging me right now?" I don't think you're going to hell, but I might be judging your decision not to brush your teeth.

Every now and then I will have a small break through with one of my co-workers. For example, one of them started coming to church despite the fact he had stayed up drinking the whole night before. Am I judging him? No! The good news he made it on time. The bad news he passed out in the middle of service.

Last week, one of my co-workers pulled me aside. "When you get to Heaven I want you to do a favor for me." (I already knew where this was going. He was about to ask me to put in a good word for him. Was this it? Would this be our breakthrough moment?) He proceeded to ask, "Would you ask God how he feels about smoking pot? Why would he put something on Earth that's so good if he doesn't want us to use it?"

My point: God definitely works in mysterious ways, but I am having a tough time with this mystery.

I am a big fan

2011-04-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

I am not ashamed to admit this, but I am huge fan of this world. I love the intricate details of our landscape. The never ending beauty found on Planet Earth. I especially love the circle of life.

However, here are five things I would change about our world if I was left in charge for one day.

5. I would rid the world of mosquitoes, poison ivy, and sweltering hot summers in Georgia. Imagine all three at one time. You've summed up my childhood.
4. I would make all foods have the same calorie content. What do I mean? 4 ounces of your favorite food (Twinkies for example) would have the same caloric content as 4 ounces of chicken. "The See Food and Eat It Diet", would no longer be a joke about overweight people. It would be a way of life.
3. I would rid the world of my father's greatest fear in life: black ice. You can't stop it. You can only hope to contain the black ice.
2. Everyone in the world would be either ugly or beautiful. This way no one would feel bad about the way they looked. Do you think a baboon ever looks at another baboon and says, "Bless his heart, his parents must have been siblings?"
1. I would make glow in the dark deer. You say this would ruin their chances of survival in the wild. Are you worried about the deer who is dumb enough to dart in front of my car at midnight on a windy road?

My point: I'll put these in the suggestion box when I reach the pearly gates.

5 questions I have for Friday.

2011-04-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

5. How did I get a promotion at work, but no raise? That's the equivalent of graduating high school and then repeating my senior year.
4. Who is the health nut that created organic cigarettes? Last time I checked, we are not worried about organic cancer.

3. Why do people order items not on the dinner menu? Its a menu, not a suggestion list.
2. When was the last time you saw a mattress store that was not going out of business? Maybe selling "going out of business" signs to mattress stores is my million dollar idea.
1. Why do people wear workout clothes when they are not going to the gym? Its not the thought that counts.

My point: I have better things to worry about on Friday.