That happened people!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T06:00:00.000-08:00

My point: The only thing worse than working, is not working. Be thankful for that crummy job.

This Happened

2009-12-24T06:00:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know, I recently took a demotion at work. Now I am a waiter's assistant, better known as a busboy.

Yes, it is very humbling to use my Masters degree to clean up dirty plates and refill empty water glasses. My main source of excitement? I try to see how many candles I can light with one match (My current record is 8, if you saw the candle layout you would be more impressed.).

If you remember anything I write today, remember this: When you come to dinner tonight, just let me soak in my own humility. Don't try to cheer me up with stories that start off, "When I was your age...."

My response, "Oh really? You were a busboy when you were my age? Because I'm thirty one." (Of course you weren't, I just look young for my age.)

Also, don't be this guy, "Excuse me sir, you poured too much water." (This happened last night). I stare at him blankly. He responds, "Its just not very green of you to give me water I am not going to use." Are you kidding me?!

My point: You want to be green!!! Give me the green in your wallet!!!

Why would you do that?

2009-12-23T06:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was snowboarding down the mountain trying to avoid the tourists who have no idea what they are doing. All of sudden I come out of the trees and almost run into about 20 skiers who are just hanging around in the middle of a run. Naturally I assume someone is hurt. Which means we need one person to get ski patrol, two people to comfort the injured person, and seventeen people to gawk.

As I surveyed the event, I began to notice everyone had their cameras out taking pictures. Now it was my time to gawk. What could be so important that you needed to stop, block the run, and make a Kodak moment?

These people were taking a picture of a woman playing with a wild animal. Not the avalanche rescue dog, not a squirrel, or a rabbit.

This woman was feeding a porcupine. Last time I checked these things had quills that will pierce your clothing and flesh. I've heard horror stories of dogs being attacked. They won't kill you, but you have to pull the quills out with pliers.

My point: I'm not from the beach, but I know not to play with a shark.

She suggested

2009-12-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

My wife suggested I dedicate today's top 10 to the Christmas season. Which is a great idea, but I got nothing funny to say. Instead here are 10 things I want to do to people who talk out loud during a movie at the theater.

10. Squirt them with a water gun in the face every time they say something.
9. Go tell the manger and hopefully get them kicked out.
8. Dump their popcorn down their shirt and pour their coke down the back of their pants.
7. Find out where they live and keep waking them up in the middle of the night.
6. Give out their email address to every spammer online.
5. Have my mom spank them in front of their significant other.
4. Stop the movie, flip on the lights, and make an announcement on the screen telling them to shut up.
3. Put an embarrassing photo of them on popcorn containers.
2. For the rest of their lives, make them sit in the very worst seats in the theater.
1. Give them wedgie and hang them by the entrance to the theater.

My point: Just give me the money for your ticket and I'll give you something to talk about.

One problem

2009-12-21T06:00:00.000-08:00

We just returned from our latest wedding. Thankfully, I only committed one error this time. As you may know, I am notorious for screwing up the wedding license. So far I have forgotten to mail one, signed the wrong date, and one I didn't even sign. New plan: only sign my name, let the wedding party fill out everything else.

This time, I managed to slip in the word webwock. For example, I bring this couple together in Holy Webwock. Webwock is what Charlotte the Spider entered into when she found her webmate.

My point: One of my best qualities is showing up on time, one of my worst qualities is being at your wedding.

Avatar...

2009-12-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

This Friday James Cameron's epic movie Avatar will hit the big screen. It is reported to be the most expensive movie ever made at a cost of $300 million. $300 million!!! On the conservative side, approximately 38 million people will need see this movie just to break even.

Just imagine some of the positive things Mr. Cameron could have done with this money.

He could send 3,000 kids to college @ $35,000 a pop.
Habitat for Humanity could build close to 47,000 houses in Guatemala for $2,000 a piece.
He could provide clean water for 10 million people in India and Africa at $10 a person, and still have money left over!

My point: Go see this film at $1 theater.

Happy to be there

2009-12-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

In honor of my college roommate's wedding this weekend, I am going to take this opportunity to re-run one of my favorite posts.

During our time at the University of Montana, I promised my roommate I would wear the same t-shirt everyday for three months if he quit smoking. The one catch, he was given the freedom to pick out the shirt. However, if he smoked one cigarette during this 90 day window he had to wear the shirt for the same amount of days I had worn it.

With the deal in place, we marched down to the mall to pick out the most ridiculous shirt he could find. There was no rule about what type of shirt. The only stipulations: I had to wear it at all times and I could not wear anything to cover it up.

His first preference was to find a t-shirt made for a teenage girl. He really wanted a pink shirt that read, "Daddy's Little Princess." Unfortunately, I couldn't squeeze into the girl's XL. His second option was a women's sports bra... if you don't know this is not a shirt. Finally, he found a brand new N'Sync t-shirt that was about 4 sizes too small.

The shirt was ridiculous. On the front were all the smiling band members. Including my personal favorite Justin Timberlake. Did I mention this was a girl's t-shirt covered in glitter and hearts?

For the next 60 days, I wore the shirt every waking hour. I wore it to the bar on Friday and Saturday nights, I wore it at work and school, and I even wore it on a couple first dates. During this time, people around our small town began to refer to me as N'Sync guy. As our legend grew, our friends would encourage my roommate to smoke because they wanted him to wear the shirt. Other people would encourage me to sing boy band songs. There is a HUGE difference between 98 Degrees, Backstreet Boys and N'Sync. I was representing for my boy JT. Everywhere I people ridiculed my boy band haircut.

Then it happened my roommate cracked. He smoked a cigarette one night. After two months of clean lungs, good breath, and few extra bucks in his pocket, he gave in to the Marlboro Man.

He fulfilled his part of the bargain. He wore that ridiculous shirt for the next 60 days and til this day he has not smoked another cigarette. Also he still owns the shirt and breaks it out on special occasions, like his wedding day. I swear to you it was his undershirt for the tuxedo.

Am I a good friend or just an idiot with a cause?

My point: N'Sync is a natural anti-carcinogen.

A Pen?

2009-12-16T06:00:00.000-08:00

I racked up close to $20,000 in student loans so I could finish a Master of Divinity. (Ooooh a Master's!!!) After three years of intense study I proudly walked away with my degree. This was a huge accomplishment for me. As a child, I was diagnosed with learning disabilities and had to be taken out of main stream school. When I finally reached high school, my guidance counselor told me I would be lucky to graduate. Not only did I graduate, but I earned a couple scholarships for college (Because my father said I was Native American).

I'm telling you all of this, because after all my years of hard work my graduate school rewarded me with a pen. Not even a nice pen, that I could sell on eBay to get a little bit of my money back.

Well yesterday, I used this pen for the first time. Not to write with. Nope, I had to get something unstuck. I needed something a little longer and skinnier than my finger. You guessed it, that pen didn't work that either. I used an even cheaper pen to accomplish my goal.

My point: The school should have just saved their money and given me something useful like a stamp.

Top 10 tourist traps

2009-12-15T06:00:00.000-08:00

10. Fisherman's Wharf San Francisco... If you want to get ripped off in a really crowded place, then this is the place for you.
9. Hollywood, CA ... I don't know how tv makes it look so nice, because it's dirty and unsafe.
8. Panama City Beach, Florida... A great place to get an awesome airbrushed t-shirt to capture the magic.
7. Rock City Georgia... At least my home state is taking time to rip some people off.
6. The Thing? Dragoon, Arizona ... What is it? Its the Thing. Now pay me $100 to see it!!!
5. Orlando, Florida... Disney has figured out how to squeeze every last dime out of your pocket.
4. North Pole, New York... Finally you have the opportunity to take your kids to Santa's Workshop. If we could only teach them to make their own toys.
3. Hole in the Rock Moab, Utah ... This is literally a big hole in the rock, but now they have added a petting zoo.
2. Wall Drug South Dakota ... They have billboards every mile for 100 miles advertising this place. They have everything, but nothing you need.
1. South of the Border ... This place is filled with corn dogs, cheap rides, and tons of useless trinkets.

My point: I love corn dogs, petting zoos, and wasting money.

Mad Men

2009-12-14T06:00:00.000-08:00

Now that we have moved on from The Wire (Our favorite TV show of all time.), we are watching Mad Men. We are 5 episodes in and I'm still skeptical about the show. For those who have not watched the show, let me sum it up: smoking cigarettes, talking about adverstising, marital infidelity, more smoking, male chauvanism, drinking at the office, more smoking, and submissive women who want to get married.

Did I mention they smoke cigarettes on this show? They even have a pregnant woman who smokes on the show. If I didn't know better, I would guess Marlboro is the show's chief sponsor.

My point: I might be getting second hand smoke from this TV show.

Elk...

2009-12-11T06:00:00.000-08:00

My wife and I, are taking a "New Age" birthing class. In this world, Doctors are seen as bad. Home birth is seen as good. Pain medicine is evil, biting down on a stick is pure bliss. Water birth is a way of life, hospital beds set your baby up for failure.

I go along with everything for the most part, but tonight we saw a video of an elk receiving an epidural. It was a cartoon elk, but this makes the whole idea even more ridiculous. I want to see a real elk giving birth at the local hospital. Maybe the father elk would get all jacked up and wrestle the doctor to the ground with its antlers.

To take it a step further, the video included a wise owl who informed us of the risks of an epidural. Not a doctor, but a cartoon owl. A porcupine was brought in to deliver acupuncture. To top it all off the main caregiver (doula) was a rat.

My point: No rat is going to deliver my baby.

Pirate?

2009-12-10T05:54:00.000-08:00

During this birthing process I've learned one thing: make my wife happy. If she wants it, I'm going to do everything in my power to get it. If she wants a water birth with a dolphin swimming in the tub, I will ride Flipper to glory. If she wants her childhood doctor to deliver her baby... I don't know what I'll do, but I'll figure out something. If she wants to paint the delivery room East Carolina colors and for me to dress like a pirate I am all for it. I just want the opportunity to say things like.... "arrrgh let me feel that baby's booty."

My point: You can have it your way, but don't get crazy.

Just a couple questions today...

2009-12-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought about bringing non-alcoholic beer to a kegger? If not, this would be a great joke. Everyone would blame the alcohol for their actions... not so fast my friend.

My point: I always hear underage kids say, "I like the taste of beer." Yet, they don't want to drink O'Douls.

10 Baby Questions...

2009-12-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

Every week I ask my wife questions about our unborn child. Here are the 10 that worry me the most.

10. How old does the baby have to be before I can take it snowboarding?
9. How soon before we can get the baby on a weightlifting program?
8. How many miles do you think I can hike with the baby in my backpack?
7. Why does our baby need so many blankets?
6. What are we going to do when it sleeps?
5. Do you think it will be smarter than me?
4. Will it have the chance to have a Southern accent?
3. Will our baby be a ECU Pirate or a Georgia Bulldog?
2. What if the baby doesn't like me?
1. What if our baby is ugly?

My point: My Mom says there are no ugly baby. She is also losing her eyesight.

My First Girlfriend

2009-12-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

I met my first girlfriend in pre-school, her name was Betsy. I don't know how she became my girlfriend, but I know we were in love. I remember the days of pulling out my napping mat and looking deep into her eyes. Those special moments of holding the class bunny rabbit together. Or the times we would put two straws into our carton of milk. Those were the days.

Then one day during recess my whole world fell apart. Some little punk named Taco told me Betsy was his girl. How could she possibly be his girl? We were in love. She was my everything. Then I began to question myself, maybe he is telling the truth. Was I the other man? How could Betsy do this to me?

In an instant Taco threw a wild punch that hit me in the face. Immediately I jumped on him like a caged chinchilla. I had to fight for my woman. Some wimp who was named for a Mexican food was not going to take my lady. I finally wrestled him to the ground and before the teacher could break up the fight he bit me on the knee. HE BIT ME ON THE FREAKING KNEE!

You've heard of the scarlet letter, well I had to stroll around school for the next couple of days with a teeth mark tattoo.
Not only that my brother would show my battle wound to all of his friends. Did he not realize the pain I was in?

In sum, I lost the love of my life and I could have died from rabies.

My point: Betsy I hope you and Taco are living happily ever after.

What's The Worst That Could Happen?!

2009-12-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

He-Man is Master of the Universe, my father is the Master of the Worst Case Scenario.

Just last week, my wife asked if my dad put Christmas lights in the front yard. Are you kidding me?

Worst Case Scenario:

The extension cord giving power to all the lights is laying across the driveway. After a couple weeks the cord manages to fray. Then in the middle of the night a spark shoots forth from this frayed wire, finds a leaf, and proceeds to catch the yard on fire. The fire starts raging and the flames eventually reach house. Now the house is on fire, but this is not the worst case scenario. Us dying in the fire is not the worst case either. Oh no, its much, much worse. Now with the fire completely out of control, the flames spread to our neighbor's house. Ultimately, both of our houses are destroyed in the fire. We escape unharmed, but the same cannot be said for our neighbors. Years later I am haunted by their tragic death; I'm so distraught I can't muster the courage to take care of myself any longer. Tragically, I am forced to move back home to live with my father. (Every worst case scenario ends with me moving back home.)

My point: My Dad would say, "The Bible doesn't say anything about Christmas lights."

Pugly?

2009-12-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

I've never seen it happen, but someone out there eats gas station hot dogs. How does your life become so low you will settle for a low grade/mechanically engineered piece of meat that has been sitting on a warmer for hours on end? Tell me: How can you eat it? Anything in the store sounds better to me than this piece of meat.

This is a crazy thought, but there might be people out there who crave hot dogs from the 7-11 in the middle of the night. Or maybe they have worked a long shift on the loading docks and nothing will satisfy them except this nasty piece of meat.

These so-called hot dogs (shouldn't they be called warm dogs?) aren't even Hebrew Nationals. Oh no my friend, stores are paying about 3 cents a piece for these nasty little boogers and charging you 99 cents. Its possible the bun, paper wrapper, and condiments cost more than the little wiener itself.

My point: Don't even get me started on the breakfast burritos you can buy at 4 in the afternoon.

James you better not...

2009-12-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday night my new big brother took me to the Georgia/ Georgia Tech game to do some bonding. First we were entertained by some 100 pound Tech frat boy trying to pick a fight with three huge Georgia fans. The Georgia fans pushed the poor kid over a car and tore his navy sports coat. Thankfully he kept his bow tie on and only lost one brass button in the skirmish. For some reason he walked directly over to me, "I accomplished my goal of making some fans angry."

I looked him in the eyes, "Man, you can barely stand, are you even going to make it to the game?" With all his liquid courage he managed to mumble, "I've only missed one game in the last four years and that's because I was drinking Everclear."

After an hour of watching people drink way too much, we finally made it through the gates. We made it to our seats, but someone was already there. That's when we discovered a scalper sold us counterfeit tickets. From now on I am taking a picture of anyone who sells me tickets on the street.

Much to our surprise, there were no extra seats and no where to stand to watch the game. At this point, we went underneath the stadium to watch the game on TV and regroup. It was beneath the stadium when the real drama started. We managed to find the area where couples went to fight and cry.

Here is an excerpt from my favorite:
Mary (A statistical anomaly: a cute Georgia Tech student) and her boyfriend James (your typical Tech frat boy.)

Mary: "James... James!!! Don't you walk away from me!!!"

James: (Stares at her blankly and walks away.)

Mary: (Runs after James.) "James, if you walk down those stairs, it is over. Go ahead walk down those stairs and see what happens."

James: (Without saying a word he calmly walks down the stairs. Naturally, I follow behind because I need to see the drama.)

Mary: "This is how you want to end it?" (In a fit she chases James down the stairs...like we didn't see this coming.) I can't believe you! I can't believe you would give up on our relationship!!"

James: (Finally he speaks.) "I know you're off your meds."

My point: Mary just needed to keep crazy in the bottle a little longer.

10 Things I Learned in Our Birthing Class

2009-12-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, my wife and I are having a baby in March of next year. If you didn't know, we had sex one time and now she is pregnant. Somehow we missed the memo about birth control.

Last night, we attended our first birthing class. We covered everything from midwives to mucous plugs, but here are the 10 most important items we covered.

10. According to one of our videos, Asian women are impervious to pain during the birthing process.
9. Interracial couples are most likely to be on birth videos.
8. Babies can be born sunny side up, but this is not good.
7. You must avoid white food. (This sounded like racist propaganda.)
6. We are the only idiots in our class who are using a doctor. (Yes, using a doctor sounds crazy to some people.)
5. I cannot be the doula (An assistant who provides various forms of non-medical and non-midwifery support in the birthing process). Can I be the medulla oblongata?
4. We are white and educated, which means we will have a more difficult childbirth. (How does the baby know we went to college?)
3. Don't eat dinner while watching a birthing video!!!
2. Don't serve the group cookies and soft drinks as we are being warned about gestational diabetes (high blood sugar during pregnancy).
1. Humor was not encouraged or appreciated during the birthing class. (My wife yelled out, "Placenta pancake!")

My point: Tell me how to pay for this baby.

If?

2009-11-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

Scenario: You're at the county fair and you have to go to the porta potty. What do you do if your $200 sunglasses fall into the blue water?

Do you just leave them? Maybe someone else fishes them out? Maybe they die in doo doo heaven?

Do actually reach into the water and pull them out? Problem is, you can't tell anyone. Everyone would chastise you for wearing sunglasses covered with fecal matter.

Why are you wearing $200 sunglasses in a porta potty? If you can afford glasses that expensive, you don't need to be using a porta potty.

My point: If you're dumb enough to let this happen... you're just dumb.

Tryptophan

2009-11-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

Ooooh the Tryptophan got me. Please forgive me, but I'm still trying to recover from my food coma yesterday. Three desserts for breakfast seemed like a good idea... at the time.

My point: I'm thankful I had enough food to make myself sick yesterday.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T06:00:00.000-08:00

I love this cartoon, but I am left wondering why Oscar the Grouch brought his trash can to the dinner table?

My point: Miss Piggy would have been my first choice.

Country Music

2009-11-25T06:08:00.000-08:00

I hate being asked, "What kind of music do you listen to?" Most people answer, "Oh, I listen to a little bit of everything." Which means: Don't judge me because I listen to the Goo Goo Dolls.

I lay it straight, "I listen to country music." Which always results in a long groan, unless I'm back home in Georgia. Followed by, "How can you listen to that stuff?" Its all the same.

Yes, I know what I'll get if I play a country song backwards. I'll get my house, my wife, and my dog back.

Let me ask you this: What will I get if I play John Mayer backwards? That's right: nothing. You'll get nothing back. Not even the time you spent listening to the song.

My point: Country music is the gift that keeps on giving.

Thanksgiving Top 10

2009-11-24T06:00:00.000-08:00

Ten random facts about Turkey Day.

10. Thomas Jefferson's opinion of Thanksgiving, "the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." (No comment.)
9. Turkeys can drown if they look up when it is raining. (Shut your freaking gobble!!!)
8. Approximately 40 million green bean casseroles will be served. (Do 40 million people even like green beans?)
7. This Thursday, you will eat 20% of your cranberries for the year. More than 20% of you will be sick of watching the Detroit Lions lose.
6. Our good friend Christopher Columbus, thought turkeys were a type of peacock. (He also thought he was in India.)
5. A turkey can run 20 miles an hour and can fly up to 55 MPH (How do we catch so many of them?)
4. Ben Franklin wanted our national bird to be the turkey, because it was a good representation of America. (What part did this represent?)
3. Tim McGraw once said, "I love Bill Clinton. I think we should make him king. I'm talking the red robe, the turkey leg - everything." (Bill Clinton said, "I love Faith Hill. We should make her my queen. I am talking red robe, nice legs, and everything.")
2. Loud noises can cause turkeys to drop dead of a heart attack. (How high is their stress level?)
1. Male turkeys are called "Toms" because of their resemblance to Tom Cruise. (Nuff said.)

My point: Be thankful you don't resemble a male turkey.

Our little princess

2009-11-23T06:00:00.000-08:00

One of our biggest questions lately: How will we decorate the nursery?

My idea: Paint the entire room as an homage to the Talladega Superspeedway. I want to have the racetrack painted around the floor, with astro turf to serve as the infield, and bookshelves that double as box seats. This nursery would not be complete without a Tony Stewart crib/ race car sitting on the checkered flag. The final touch: a revving engine noise when I open the door.

My wife's idea: Unfortunately, words cannot do it justice so I've attached this photo.

My point: Currently, I am working to get sponsor decals for the carriage.