That Killing Feeling

Sake To Me

2013-05-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

Back In Black

2013-05-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

Hey there, crime kids. Happy X. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of B-GIRLS, stripper Lexus Cole, hooker Bling Stevens and porn star Neena Jammer break into terrorist-hacker Long Kim's high-security downtown LA condo on their mission to take him down ...

EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - WAREHOUSE LOFTS - NIGHT
A grimy, seedy part of downtown.

We see a former warehouse
that’s been converted into
gleaming, high-security condo lofts.

A DELIVERY VAN
is parked across the street.

INT. DELIVERY VAN - NIGHT
Smith sits behind the wheel.

Bling, Lexus and Neena sit behind him
in the back in black
with satcom headsets.

LEXUS
I’m gonna pee my pants.

SMITH
Relax.
I’ve already done
all the heavy lifting.
You’ve got the security codes
and the floor plans.
We know he’s not there.
All you have to do
is enter the code,
transfer the data we need,
then wipe all hard drives.
You’ll be in and out in no time.

NEENA
Why do you get to stay in the van?

SMITH
I’m the wheelman, babe.
(beat)
And my insurance
doesn’t cover black ops.

INT. LOFT BUILDING - REAR ENTRANCE - NIGHT
The girls stand at the back entrance.

Bling enters the security code
on a panel next to the door.

Opens it.

BLING
It worked. C’mon.

They go in.

INT. LOFT BUILDING - CORRIDOR - ELEVATORS - NIGHT
Bling enters another security code.
An elevator OPENS.

They walk in.
The doors close.

INT. LOFT BUILDING - ELEVATOR - NIGHT
The girls look at a lit button
marked PENTHOUSE.

NEENA
Must be nice having an elevator
that only goes to your floor.

The elevator STOPS.
The doors OPEN.

We see a beautiful foyer,
very tastefully done.

The girls tip toe in.

INT. LONG KIM’S LOFT - CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Bling leads the girls
down a long, dark corridor.

BLING
(into her headset)
The Eagle has dropped --

Fight Club

2013-05-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

Rome Wasn't Built In A Lay

2013-05-16T10:23:00.001-07:00

Beggars Can't Be Coozers

2013-05-15T10:11:00.000-07:00

Divine Sisters Of The Vagina Ya-Ya Hood

2013-05-14T10:13:00.001-07:00

Pussy Patrol

2013-05-13T10:04:00.000-07:00

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

I've been doing this blog for almost five years now. Hard to believe. Over the last year or so you might have noticed that I've been posting some of my older work instead of what I've been writing recently. The reason for this is the theme of the blog is hardboiled/pulp/noir/crime stories, and sometimes I write something that doesn't fit into one of those categories, so I don't post it -- like FILLMORE, a biopic about the blues musician Fillmore Slim that goes into production later this year -- or THE PROPHESY OF RECKCONING, a LORD OF THE RINGS/GAME OF THRONES kinda fantasy epic. Also, the thinking was that some of you are new to the blog, so why not post something again from a couple of years ago?

Well, today I'm please to unveil a brand-new story. I wrote the short film B-GIRLS with a view to raising the money to direct it myself, then expand it into a feature. The template for this was the short film D.E.B.S., which won a bunch of awards, then became a fairly successful cult hit after a feature version was shot. So, without further adieu, get ready for the ride of your life ...

In Chapter 1 of B-GIRLS, we meet stripper Lexus Cole, hooker Bling Stevens and porn star Neena Jammer, who have all been invited to a 'private party' at Friendbook found Randy Mandeltort's joint. The problem is, he's a flaming asshole ... but when the girls find out they're being paid 100k to attend, they throw caution to the wind and get their butts in gear ...

EXT. SPEARMINT RHINO STRIP CLUB - DAY
A giant complex
on the outskirts of LA.

A few cars dot the parking lot
on a weekday.

A DRUNK PATRON
pukes on the cement.

INT. SPEARMINT RHINO STRIP CLUB - DRESSING ROOM - DAY
A gaggle of STRIPPERS sit at their mirrors,
fixing their hair, their faces, their outfits.

LEXUS COLE (20), a blonde
with a killer rack does her lips.

Blots them with a tissue.
Checks herself out in the mirror.

Narrows her eyes.

LEXUS
(to the girl next to her)
Does this lipstick
makes me look fat?

Her smartphone VIBRATES.
She grabs it eagerly.
Sees a text.

LEXUS
(reads it out loud)
Private party -- in the hills --
(reads)
I get paid a hundred-thou?
I’m SO there.
(thinks)
Randy Mandletort?
The guy that started FRIENDBOOK?

EXT. MARINA DOCK - PRIVATE YACHT - DAY
A GIANT YACHT gleams in the sunlight
on a bright, blue day.

EXT. PRIVATE YACHT - REAR DECK - DAY
SENATOR COTTON (50’s) tall, grey-haired,
distinguished-looking sits in the jacuzzi
sipping a glass of champagne.

SENATOR COTTON
Must you go so soon?

BLING STEVENS (20’s),
a tall, brunette high-class call girl
with a heart of black
pulls on her boots, eyes him.

BLING
‘So soon?’
You’ve enjoyed ‘the girlfriend experience’
for three days.
Gal’s gotta get out.
Mingle. Air out her pussy.

SENATOR COTTON
A private party, you say?
Maybe I could tag along.

BLING
Randy Mandletort’s the host.
Still wanna go?

SENATOR COTTON
That asshole? Fuck that.
Why are you going?

BLING
I’m getting paid a hundred-k.
And for that, I’ll
poke his ‘like’ button.

INT. PORN SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A surprising large soundstage
somewhere deep in the Valley.

A MAN (30’s) and a WOMAN (20’s)
are making love on a culinary island
on a surprising good kitchen set.

FEMALE PORN STAR
C’mon, baby -- stuff my turkey,
saute my giblets,
butter my BUNS --
give it to me on a SKEWER.

Meet porn goddess NEENA JAMMER (25),
petite, natural-breasted, natural redhead.
Stunning. Sexy. Natural.

MALE PORN STAR
Prepare to feast on THE IRON CHEF.

Neena’s cell phone RINGS.
She grabs it. Looks. Smiles.

Male Porn Star stops pumping.
Makes a face.

NEENA
(into the phone)
Roberto. What’s up?

DIRECTOR (O.C.)
Cut, cut, goddammit to FUCK, Neena.
We’re in the middle of a SCENE.

NEENA
It’s my agent. Hold on.
(listens, then)
A hundred-grand?
Just to go to a PARTY?
(listens)
Oh. HIM? I dunno --
(listen)
Lexus and Bling are going?
Why didn’t you say so?
Tell ‘em I’m coming.
(laughs)
Pun intended --

Flaming Creatures

2013-05-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In the final chapter of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide dick Carrie Love's standoff with teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty ends in a bloodbath of epic proportions ... but when her former flame, porn star Laura Lang shows up on the scene, she literally gets down on her knees and begs for forgiveness ...

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - NIGHT
Sparkle stops. Looks. Confused.
Something shuts down.

SPARKLE
No, no. Turn it back on.
Turn it back on.
(very quiet)
Mommy, please -- let me do it again, please.
I’m sorry I dropped it.
I know I can do better.
(listens to something)
I don’t get another chance?

She gently places a gun at her throat.
The other at her temple.
Closes her eyes.

CARRIE (O.S.)
No! Don’t do it --

SPARKLE
(a whisper)
I’m sorry.
(beat)
I’ll take my ball and phone home now.
(a whisper)
Bye, bye, Daddy.
Take care of Mommy --

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - ARIAL POV - CONTINUOUS

SPARKLE
Squeezes the trigger.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
Her head EXPLODES in a SPRAY of RED MIST.

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - NIGHT
Emotionally spent, splattered,
Carrie makes her way through
the crowd of NEWS CREWS, COPS, GAWKING BYSTANDERS.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Another thing about Los Angeles --
this sprawling mass of self-satisfaction
is all about air time.
The ‘big story.’ Ratings.

She passes a REPORTER,
a blonde, grinning jock type.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Fucking vultures --

JOCK REPORTER
Yes! I believe that’s her!
(approaches Carrie)
Detective! Miss Love!
Roger Ditz, KTLA Evening News!
How do you feel?

Carrie PUSHES him away.
Keeps walking.

CARRIE
That’s on a 'need to know' basis, Roger.

Veronica approaches.

VERONICA
Don’t bother begging for my favors, Carrie.

CARRIE
We all use each other, babe.

Lipshitz appears.

LIPSHITZ
Carrie, let me give you a lift home.
You can file your report tomorrow.
You’ve been through --

CARRIE
I’ve been through a bloody blender, Lare.
Please, leave me alone -- no offense --
but I’ve got find someone.

LIPSHITZ
I’ll call you tomorrow morning.

CARRIE
I’ll call you.
I’m sleeping in.

She reaches the gauntlet of GAWKING ONLOOKERS.
Pushing, wildly grinning, jockeying for position.

RABID ONLOOKER
Yo, that’s her!

CRAZED ONLOOKER
Carrie, baby! Legs!

Carrie ignores them, pushes through the crowd.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It’s all about the glitz,
the glamour -- the box office.
Which explains the rage behind
the big, bright smiles.
Why someone jams on the horn
if you hesitate the tiniest bit at a stoplight.
Why people will spend five bucks for a coffee
and a buck-fifty for a cookie.
A fuckin’ cookie.
(beat)
And which explains all the shitty movies
they keep cranking out.

LAURA
Stands at the corner. Holy shit.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Except this one, of course.

Carrie walks over to this flaming creature
in pink latex.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And there she was, a vision in rubber.
It was as if the heavens opened up
and delivered me evil.
Brought back to me the missing piece
I thought was gone forever.
The thing that made me whole.

Carrie says something to Laura.
Laura tenses.
Looks like she’s going to bolt.

Carrie pulls out a pack of smokes.
Shakes out two.

Lights them.
Offers one to Laura --

She snatches it.
Takes a long, deep drag.
Blows smoke in Carrie’s face.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Cause when your self-esteem
is running on empty --
you need another warm body
to fill your tank.

Carrie begs, pleads.
Like her life depended on it.

But then, at this point -- maybe it does.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Nobody’s perfect.
I’m not -- and God knows,
neither was she.

Laura’s eyes burn into her.
Considering.

Carrie gets down on one knee --
Giving Laura the view up her skirt.

CARRIE (V.O.)
But we had something
most people never have.
Something they only dream about.
(beat)
And should probably
stay the hell away from.

Laura pulls a leash out of her purse.
SNAPS it on Carrie’s leather choker.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Some people say such passion
is worth the price.
For me, it was a no-brainer.
(beat)
Call me Lassie.

Laura steps back.
Gives the chain a YANK.

Carrie stands. Goes to her.
And they kiss --

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s it.
Time for me to ankle this joint.
And it’s about time for you
to get back to your happy little lives.
(beat)
Me? I’ll be right here,
playing craps with my heart --
and spinning the roulette wheel of love.

Till Death Do Us Part

2013-05-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love and teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty are in the middle of a stand-off at the Bargain Clown Mart, where Sparkle makes her final demand: she wants to talk to the media, who happily obliges and puts her on the air ...

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
A gridlock of COPS, several NEWS CREWS --
And a crowd of GAWKING SPECTATORS.

Larry PUSHES toward Carrie -- GRABS her.

LIPSHITZ
Are you okay?
What’s going on?
How many people are dead?
What’s she like?
Does she have any demands?
Are you okay? Can I get you --

CARRIE
Larry! Slow down. Slow down. Slow down.
(beat)
I’m okay. But there’s dozens
of dead smart shoppers in there --
and one barely breathing bimbo.
And I don’t give a fuck what she’s like --
this pageant princess from hell
is right now in the middle of
a midnight-movie breakdown --
and she’s demanding that we
get the fucking media in there immediately --
so unless you have a better idea --
then I suggest we
grab some prime time meat
and do a little dance
with little Missy devil dog.

LIPSHITZ
(gestures around him)
Go get ‘em tiger. Pick a channel.

She looks around at the REPORTERS,
lights, cameras, CREWS.

A MULTI-ETHNIC CREW, 'TELEVISO.'

HISPANIC REPORTER
Mira, mira! Televiso! Televiso!

LIVE AT FIVE -- with a GLOSSY NEWS GUY,
grim -- but excited.

GLOSSY NEWS GUY
Live at Five, Miss Love! Live at Five!

CNN. The big boys.
With a STUNNING NEWS BABE.

STUNNING NEWS BABE
Carrie. Been a long time.

CARRIE
gulps.

CARRIE
Veronica. You got your dream job.
(beat)
You look great.

VERONICA
You never called.

CARRIE
Please, I’ll grovel at your feet later.
Lick your shoes.
Anything you want, I swear.
But right now we gotta meet the press.

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - MOMENTS LATER
Veronica and the CREW creep up to Sparkle on tip-toes.

SPARKLE
Jesus Christ, this is the 'Action News?'
Lighten up, this is the big scoop,
the exclusive -- it’s the fucking sweeps!
Play it right, and your career goes into overdrive.
Fuckin’ quote’s gonna go through the roof.

VERONICA
(shoves mike toward Sparkle)
Veronica Sawyer, Miss Plenty, CNN.
I must say this the most
unusual interview I’ve ever done.
You’ll have to pardon me
if I’m a little bit scared shitless.

SPARKLE
(crazy smile)
Pleased to meet ya, Ronnie.
And please, call me Sparkle.
It’s truly an honor.
Love that action, love that news.

VERONICA
Do you realize we’re making
broadcast history, Miss -- Sparkle?
Right now at this very moment,
over a hundred million people
around the world are watching us.

SPARKLE
Then take me to your global village,
anchor babe. Lets get that demographic.
(to the cameraman)
Bring it in closer, I want to hear them gasp --
wanna hear them say, but gosh, she’s so pretty.

CARRIE
shoves her gun in Veronica’s face.
GRABS her mike.

CARRIE
Before you get your precious footage --
I need to borrow your transmission.

VERONICA
Bitch.
(into the camera)
As you can see, Detective Love
has just commandeered my crew.

SPARKLE
Hey, you can’t shoot her!
I’m gonna shoot her!

INT. ACTION NEWSROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
The ANCHORS and CREW watch on monitors
with uncontained glee.

LINA
Get her! Kick her fucking ass!

BROCK
Shoot the bitch! Shoot the bitch!

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - CONTINUOUS
Carrie gets closer, looks into the camera.

CARRIE
Laura -- I hope you’re watching this.
I just wanna say I’m sorry.
I really fucked up.
What you do for a living is your choice,
it’s none of my business,
and I had no right to judge you.
I just got scared --
that machine almost killed you.
Almost fried what I pray to.
(beat)
At least what you do is honest.
I mean, I fuck people too,
but they don’t have an orgasm.
They just get a slimy sandwich
and a scary new roommate.
Please forgive me.
Come back, baby.
My sheets are dry.

KEKO (O.S.)
Well, what have we got here?
One of the dolls get out of her box?

Sparkle WHIPS an Uzi toward the voice,
turns to look.

SPARKLE
Ohmigod, it’s Mr. decaf frappaccino.

So glad you could join the party.
Ready for a little ‘death do us part’ action?

BERNIE
holds twin 357 Magnums.
They glisten in the light.

KEKO
In your dreams, little girlie.
There’s two of us now,
so you better put away those toys
before Mommy catches you.

ANGLE ON --
Carrie’s gun at the camera.
Bernie’s pair on Sparkle.

Sparkle’s Uzis on Madrid and Bernie.
Sparkle FLIPS a gun from Bernie to the CAMERAMAN.

SPARKLE
(to Carrie)
Squeeze play -- your choice, hon.
Billy Betacam, or baby Botox.

Pause.

CARRIE
(to the cameraman)
Shut off the camera.
It’ll make her stop.

CAMERAMAN
What? No way.

CARRIE
Shut off the camera,
it’ll make her stop.
She won’t shoot,
it’s gotta be on the air.

CAMERAMAN
No way.
She’s got a fuckin’ gun at my head.

SPARKLE
That’s right, detective --
I’ve got him in my hair-trigger.
And It’s gettin’ itchy.

CARRIE
(to the cameraman)
And I’ve got her number.
She won’t kill anyone else
unless it’s being broadcast --

BANG! BANG! BANG!
A surprised look on Madrid’s face.

Three red stains slowly expand
on her gauzy belly-top.

THE CAMERAMAN
turns to the wounded beauty,
focuses. Excited. Scared.

CARRIE
PUNCHES him.

GRABS the camera.
Shuts it off.

INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS
The monitors go black.

BROCK
Goddammit.

LINA
Fuck me.

The Family Fuck

2013-05-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

B-Movie Meltdown

2013-05-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, newly-reinstated homicide detective Carrie Love arrives at the Bargain Clown Mart to begin her showdown with teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty, who's holding the joint hostage ...

INT./EXT. CARRIE’S OLDS - PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - DUSK
A postcard sunset.
Riot of red, orange and yellow
splashed across the sky, the water.

Carrie races up the coast
in a tunnel of palm trees.

CARRIE (V.O.)
This is the part where I have
my showdown with the beast.
(beat)
Let me tell you a story.
I have a girlfriend who works at a movie studio.
And this mini-major had a big hit movie.
Made 150 million bucks.
It was one of those 'dumb' comedies.
Even had the word 'dumb' in the title.
So, when it comes time
to make the sequel, the suits --

She turns onto Sunset Boulevard.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Well, actually, they don’t wear suits anymore.
Every day is 'casual Friday' in show biz nowadays --
so let’s call them, 'business casuals.'

The Porsche races by the Beverly Hills Hotel.

CARRIE (V.O.)
So these business casuals come up
with this brilliant, 'creative' idea.
Let’s not use the original writer.
Since we’d kill to be able to come up
with an idea, something, anything,
a germ of something that might possibly resemble
an original thought in an alternate universe --
we’ll have some input.
Some ego-driven bastardization
of the creative process.

Carrie flies by the Cinerama Dome.

CARRIE (V.O.)
So now I feel like the fucking writer
who got fired from the very thing she created.
I got pink-slipped out of my life.
My girlfriend’s gone, fucked that up.
I lost my job, really fucked myself
in the ass with that one --
and I only got it back because
I’m being summoned to the climactic scene
by the villain --

The car turns left, heads North up La Brea.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Who in this case is the evil spawn
of Jon-Benet Ramsey risen from the dead,
hell-bent on shooting her own B-movie meltdown
in some kind of post-apocalyptic Hollywood Babylon.
(beat)
Don’t drop your popcorn, kids --
cause the hero’s about to lose it.

She stops at a light.
Looks at herself in the rear view.

IN THE MIRROR
Carrie’s eyes burn.
They blink, flicker madly.

Her hand WHAP-WHAP-WHAP-WHAP-WHAPS
the dashboard.

CARRIE
(screams)
No! Fuck you! Fuck all of you!
I will NOT be a passive protagonist!

Carrie JAMS on the horn --
HONK, HONK, HONK, HONNNKKK.
She TAKES OFF into the traffic --

EXT. CORNER OF HOLLYWOOD AND VINE - CONTINUOUS
Carrie’s silver coupe SCREECHES, fishtails right,
then jerks into a tiny parking lot.

CAMERA pulls back to reveal --

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - NIGHT
Three-dozen squad cars, news vans choke the parking lot.
Carrie stands behind yellow police tape with a bullhorn.

CARRIE
(Loud, over the speaker)
Alright, you Waco-wacko, Una-Bimbo,
Branch Dividian wannabe.
I’m here, I’m queer --
and I’m gonna fuck up
your technicolor, tinsletown world.

IN THE STORE
Sparkle snaps on a 'Mr. Karaoke'
with a squeal of feedback.

SPARKLE
So glad you could make it to the show, Detective Love.
Or should I say, ex-detective Love.
Now you listen to me, Missy --
save your threats for someone who gives a fuck,
cause there’s a new sheriff in town.
And she’s gonna preempt your regular programming.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

THE PARKING LOT

CARRIE
Go ahead, kill the trust fund thigh-mistress --
like I could give a holy fuck!

INT. TELEVISION NEWS BROADCAST - AT THE SAME TIME
BROCK BRADLEY and LINA DELGADO
sit at the 'Action News' desk.

BROCK
-- When just moments ago, Homicide Chief
Larry Lipshitz reinstated Detective Carrie Love.
I know we’re not supposed give our opinion, Lina --
but I gotta say, I think there’s gonna be
a lot of controversy over this.

LINA
Give me a break, Brock.
She’s just reclaiming what’s hers.
Like the whispering wind off the desert of the heart,
Carrie Love is a postmodern heroine for a vacant world.
Ride the white horse, girlfriend.
Ride the white horse.

What?

BROCK
Well, look who’s the poet.
(touches earpiece, relieved)
We’ve just been given
a late-breaking bulletin. Skip?

INTERCUT WITH:

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Roving reporter SKIP WHITMAN, the red headed, almost-albino
man on the scene, squints into the CAMERA.

SKIP
That’s right, Brock.
This is Skip Whitman,
man on the scene here on a
crisp, clear, starry night
here at the Bargain Clown Mart,
deep in the heart of
beautiful downtown Hollywood.

BROCK
Very descriptive, Skip.
So what the heck’s going on?

SKIP
Well, Brock, in a stunning reversal of fortune,
infamous former-Homicide Detective Carrie Love
has been yanked back onto the force --
and is right now inside the Bargain Clown Mart
having a showdown with the alleged killer,
who we’ve just learned
is a very attractive teenage girl.
The stunning former 'Little Miss Inland Empire'
only made one demand -

LINA
(touches her earpiece)
Holds that thought, Skip --
I’ve just been given another bulletin.
We’ve just learned that Carrie Love
is wearing a to-die-for
Gucci chocolate brown leather mini.

Brock turns, looks at her strangely.

Bless Me Father, For I Have Fucked

2013-05-06T10:46:00.003-07:00

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Bernie Keko carjacks a civilian's wheels in his mad race to the crime scene in progress, where teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty is holding the Bargain Clown Mart hostage. Meanwhile, disgraced cop Carrie Love is drowning her sorrows in a bottle, but when she gets a call from Bernie to get her shit together and come help, she gets her ass in gear ...

EXT./INT. SUNSET BOULEVARD - BERNIE’S SUV - DUSK
Bernie and Valentine speed down the Strip like a bullet.
They SCREECH to a stop at a light.

VALENTINE
(sees something out the window)
Shit, that kid’s gonna throw a rock at --

CRASH. Valentine’s window SPRAYS
into a million pieces.

A vicious-looking gang-banger
jams an AK-47 at Valentine.

GANG-BANGER
Yo, bitch!

Valentine deftly pulls a
Smith & Wesson from his boot.

VALENTINE
Nice gat, what you pay for that?

GANG-BANGER
Shut da fuck up, this is a
fuckin’ car-jackin,’ muthafucka!

Valentine GRABS the gun barrel in a blur of fury,
BANGS it against the window jam --
SHOVES his piece in the kid’s throat.

VALENTINE
Problem with that rifle shit
is the length of the weapon,
makes it hard to --
(BANGS the kid’s head)
Maneuver.

His body CLUMPS to the ground, WHUMP.

KEKO
That little FUCK smashed my WINDOW.

VALENTINE
Gee. You could say something like,
‘good job, Valentine. Nice reflexes.‘

BERNIE=
Shut up! Let me think!
(beat)
You stay here with the perp,
wait for another unit,
I’m gonna find another vehicle.

VALENTINE
You get to go, and I have
to stay here and fucking wait?
No way, I’m always the one who --

BERNIE
Valentine, you stupid fuck!
I HAVE to go there,
she ASKED me to, remember?

VALENTINE
(surly)
Better hurry up then,
could be some Dog Day Afternoon
shit goin’ on.

Bernie opens the door, jumps out.

BERNIE
You actually make me miss the muff-diver.

Valentine puts two fingers in his mouth,
wiggles his tongue.

BERNIE
stands at the curb.

Looks at the sprawl of cars creeping slowly
in a crunch of prime-time traffic.
Sees something.

BERNIE
Always wanted to drive one of those --

A MONSTER TRUCK
towers over the other vehicles.
White trash pride.

Bernie runs up to the passenger door.
YANKS it open.

BERNIE
(flashes his badge)
Outta the car! Police business!

He GRABS the DRIVER,
a frat-boy looking hulk,
THROWS him out.

FRAT BOY
Hey! You can’t do that!

Bernie SLAMS the door.
Looks down at the kid.

BERNIE
I just did, jar-head!
Go drink some beer
and beat up your girlfriend.

He JAMS the truck into gear.
ROARS onto the sidewalk.

INT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - AT THE SAME TIME
Our not-so-plucky heroine is sprawled on the couch,
a lump of self-pity.

On the coffee table, a bottle of scotch.
Empty beer bottles. A shot glass --

And Carrie’s big, chrome Glock.

From the TV, we hear LAURA’S VOICE
cry out with fake passion.

LAURA (O.S.)
Yes -- gawd, yes. Fuck me!

Carrie grabs the shooter,
FLINGS it at the screen -- CRACK.

POP. The glass SHATTERS.
Smoke curls.

CARRIE
(very drunk)
Fucking -- cunt.

Carrie slowly reaches over.
Picks up the gun.

CARRIE
Girl’s best friend --

She grabs the bottle. Takes a slug.

CARRIE
Pills would be -- much less messy.

Carrie brings the barrel to her crotch.

CARRIE
Wonder if anybody’s ever
blown out their cootch.

Picks up the videotape box.
The title reads HARD CANDY.
Laura’s face grins lewdly.

CARRIE
Oh, yeah -- that’s right.

She FLINGS the box across the room.
Takes another slug.

CARRIE
Candy is dandy --
but liquor is quicker --
(puts the gun to her throat)
But a bullet in the gullet is handy.

The safety clicks.

CARRIE
Dead poet’s society --

She closes her eyes.

CARRIE
Forgive me father, for I have fucked.

The phone RINGS.

CARRIE
Fuck you! Go away! Leave me alone!

It BRRR-RINGS again. She stands.
Marches over to the bar.

Ma Bell’s intruder BRRR-RINGS.
She GRABS it.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

INT. MONSTER TRUCK - AT THE SAME TIME
Bernie YELLS into his cell phone.

KEKO
Carrie, it’s Bernie -- don’t throw it!

CARRIE
What? You -- what the fuck do you --

KEKO
The phone! Don’t throw it!
That’s what you do,
so don’t fucking throw it.
Listen to me, we’ve found the killer!

A horn HONKS somewhere in her fog.

CARRIE
You found the killer?
(beat)
Where?

KEKO
In Hollywood.
She’s taken the Bargain Clown Mart hostage.
I’m on the way there now --

Carrie struggles to focus.

CARRIE
You found the -- movie killer?
How many, how many hostages?

KEKO
One.

CARRIE
One?

KEKO
One.

CARRIE
Well, that’s kinda lame.

KEKO
Tell that to the fifty dead customers.

CARRIE
So why you calling me?
I no longer wear the baby blues.
I’m just a civilian,
I haven’t had a bear claw in a week.

KEKO
That might be true.
But our fatal fatale wants you and I
to star in her final flick.
(beat)
Or else she’s gonna kill her last hostage --

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
A news van idles.

KEKO (O.S.)
Live on the 'Action News.'

CARRIE
Stares at the phone. Sighs.

CARRIE
So I guess this is what they call
a ‘wake up call' --

I Love The Smell Of Napalm

2013-05-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 28 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives Bernie Keko and Jesus Valentine search teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's apartment and find out where she is ... at the Bargain Clown Mart on Hollywood Boulevard, where she just started shooting up the place ...

INT. CIRCUS OF BOOKS - NIGHT
Skinny leads Keko and Valentine down a hallway.

SKINNY MAN
She is a bit odd --
but she always pays her rent on time.
Sometimes early. Real cute.
Looks like Britney.
Has a lot of visitors.
If only I could get that kinda action --

They get to her door.
Skinny fishes out his master key.

SKINNY MAN
(tries to open the door)
Fucking cunt must’ve changed the lock.

KEKO
(looks at Valentine)
I’ve got an idea --

VALENTINE
One, two --

And they KICK DOWN the door -- BANG.

SKINNY MAN
Hey!

KEKO
(hands him his card)
City will pay for it --

INT. SPARKLE’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Keko, Valentine and Skinny regard the decor.

SKINNY MAN
Ooo. I LOVE what she’s done to the place.
Gotta real queer eye --

KEKO
(to Skinny)
Would you mind leaving us alone for a bit?
Might turn out to be a crime scene.

SKINNY MAN
(goes to the door)
I’ll go make some coffee.

And he leaves.

VALENTINE
I think he likes you.

KEKO
Fuck you.
(looks around)
It looks like that guy’s place
who was caught jerking off in a movie theater.

They start searching the joint.

VALENTINE
Pee-Wee Herman.
Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.
Loved that show.
Did you know that Cowboy Curtis
was played by a very young Lawrence Fishburn?
(does impression)
I know you are, but what am I? ARRRRGHH!
(beat)
Most people don’t realize that Paul Reubens
is a gifted comic actor who created
a vast array of hilarious characters,
but was unfortunately typecast as Pee-Wee.

KEKO
And you’re going to be typecast
as an asshole who won’t shut the fuck --
(beat)
Hey, check it out.

He points at Sparkle’s pink I-Mac.
On the screen:

TO DO:
Clean weapons.
Shower and change.
Fill the tank.
Take Clown Mart Hostage.
(Arrive at ‘magic hour’ for best coverage.)
Reunite Carrie and Bernie.
Kill them.

KEKO AND VALENTINE
stare at the monitor.

KEKO (CONT'D)
What the fuck is the ‘Clown Mart?’

VALENTINE
Discount store on Hollywood Boulevard.

KEKO
Then let’s go shopping.
Time for the blue light special --

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - CHECK OUT REGISTER - MOMENTS LATER
Sparkle stands on the counter top.

With enough firepower
to clog Joel Silver’s arteries.

SPARKLE
Mr. and Mrs. America, and all ships at c-word --
citizens, lend me your fucking ears.
You’re gonna give me what I want,
or I’m gonna starting killing you.
One at a time. Slowly. Painfully.
(beat)
We’re gonna have a lotta fun.

SCARED CASHIER
Please don’t kill me. Please. Take anything.
What do you want? Money? Take the money,
we don’t fucking care, it’s not our money,
take the fuckin’ money!

SPARKLE
I don’t want your fucking money.

STORE MANAGER
Then what do you want?
Just tell us.

SPARKLE
I want you to --
(Pacino as SCARFACE)
Say hello to my ‘lil fren.

She points twin pink Uzis at the hostages.
They start CRYING, SCREAMING.

SPARKLE’S
eyes flutter. Scrunch close.
Major chemistry kicking in.

SPARKLE (CONT’D)
I love the -- smell of napalm --

SCARED WOMAN
Grab her, quick!
She’s on something!
She --

Sparkle’s eyes FLASH open.
The madwoman LOSES IT.

SPARKLE
No! That’s a Bozo no-no!

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

Bodies HIT the ground with a
WHUMP, THWAP, WUMP, WUMP, WUMP.

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
Glass SPRAYS, BREAKS, SMASHES, TINKLES -- CRASHES.

Silence. She smiles a nasty pout.

THE CARNAGE
is complete, total devastation.
Bodies. Blood. Debris.

Except for a PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN (18),
propped up against a wall.

She leans forward, bleeding, confused.
In shock.

CLOSE ON --
A gold necklace on her throat.

Tiny gold-lettered spray of diamonds reads 'Madrid.'
The women stare at each other, searching for --

SPARKLE
Hey. Aren’t you --

MADRID
My father’s gonna have your head
on a pinstripe platter.
Do you realize who the FUCK --

SPARKLE
Of course, bitch, you’re Madrid Marriot,
I love you! You fuckin’ rule!
I love your show!
You still coming out with that
fab line of super-cool tote bags?

MADRID
They’re not fucking TOTES.
They’re rebuilt vintage English saddle bags.
(beat)
Please don’t kill me.
I’m throwing a benefit tonight.

Sparkle lowers her guns.

SPARKLE
Are you kidding?
You’re my hostage, cutie.
You’re gonna be my Patty Hearst.
We’re gonna make herstory.
(beat)
What’s the charity?

MADRID
(startled)
Uh -- COMP.

SPARKLE
What, free tickets?
Hotel rooms?
Vegas slicksters on a binge?

MADRID
It’s for -- Children of Murdered Parents.

PUSH IN ON Sparkle. Delighted.

SPARKLE
Then whadya say we make
a charitable contribution, hot stuff?

Shoplifters Of The World Unite

2013-05-02T09:50:00.001-07:00

The Land Of Celluloid Dreams

2013-05-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 26 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty prepares her trap to ensnare homicide detective Carrie Love and her ex-husband/partner Bernie Keko at the Bargain Clown Mart deep in the heart of Hollywood ...

EXT. CIRCUS OF BOOKS - NIGHT
A little red store on Santa Monica Boulevard
with apartments above.

A TRANNY HOOKER walks by,
stumbles in her platforms.

CAMERA PANS UP, focuses on a window, ZOOMS INTO --

INT. SPARKLE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Bonnie’s being played on a pink Barbie stereo
in a tiny room in a child-like explosion of clutter.

Movie posters and photos cover the walls.
AMERICAN PSYCHO. HEATHERS. CARRIE.
RE-ANIMATOR. LOVE STORY.

Head shots of Karen Black. Crispin Glover.
DeNiro in TAXI DRIVER. Bugs Bunny.

Sparkle sits at her Sears workstation.
Works a pink I-Mac, clack-clacks on the keyboard.

SPARKLE
Download this, hot stuff.
Gig me on a gaga-byte.

CLOSE ON --
The bulletin board behind the computer.
Covered in news clippings.

FEMME DETECTIVE FOULS OUT,
with a glam shot of Carrie.

GOLDEN COP COUPLE HITS THE SKIDS,
with a photo of Bernie and Carrie
getting a medal from the Mayor.

HOLLYWOOD HACK BOILED LIKE TURNIP.
VIDEO CLERK HUMAN PIN-CUSHION ON VINE.

TRUST FUND FILLY FILLETED.
TEN-PERCENTER POPPED IN TREACHEROUS TRYST.

SPARKLE
goes to the stereo.
Puts on a CD.

The sunshiny, super-pop of
A-Ha’s THE SUN ALWAYS SHINES ON TV starts --

And, in her own little private disco,
she dances to the music with complete abandon,
lost in the sugary synthesizers.

SPARKLE
(sings along)
Hold me -- believe in me -- touch me --
the sun always shines on T.V. --

Sparkle strikes a pose --
somewhere between Travolta in
'Saturday Night Fever'
and the Olsen twins on ecstasy.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
It was destiny. Fate.
The Gods pulled up my skirt
and gave it to me good.
I had a vision. A mission.
A poison pen pal from hell.
I realized that Carrie Love
and Bernie Keko were the
parents I could never have.
(beat)
I knew it the minute they
walked in the store --
and into my heart.
All of a sudden it became like,
so clear what I needed to do.
I had to bring them together again.
(beat)
So I could tear them apart.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SPARKLE’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DUSK
Sparkle is now vision in
dayglow fuschia battle fatigues.

Giant pink ten-inch moon-boot platforms.
Centerfold makeup, fake lashes.
Some kinda Spice Girl on acid
from 'Taxi Driver' hell.

She pours a shot of Jaegermeister, raises it.

SPARKLE
You’re very good.
(downs it)
Come on, ma!
I’m trying to do my thing down here.
I got a big show to get ready for.

She BURSTS into hysterical laughter.
Opens the medicine cabinet,
takes out a bottle.

Shakes out a handful of pills. GULP.
Pours another glass.

SPARKLE
What’s so fuckin’ funny? Huh?
What’s so fuckin’ funny about me?
What -- do I make you laugh, huh?
Do I a-muse yoo?
What am I, some sorta clown?
Make you fuckin’ laugh? What.
What’s so fuckin’ funny about -- me.

The psychette GIGGLES.
Then remembers something.

Takes a red Bozo nose out of her pocket.
Pops it on.

SPARKLE
(at her reflection)
But Mommy, I don’t want to go the circus,
the clowns are scary.
They make me cry.

She GRABS a set of hair clippers,
FLICKS it on -- BUZZZZZ.

SPARKLE
Well, then -- take me to the big top.

And starts shaving the side of head,
long, beautiful blonde hair cascading in waves,
floating like feathers --

SPARKLE
scrapes off foam with a pink razor, revealing --
A big, beautiful blonde mohawk.

IN THE MIRROR

SPARKLE
You talkin’ to me?
You -- talkin to me ?
(beat)
Me? You talkin’ to -- me?
(raises gun, sticks it in her mouth)
‘Cauhz tha no-uhn elth heah.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - PAWN SHOP - DUSK

CARRIE (V.O.)
You know Hollywood is actually
a pretty shitty part of town.

A crappy, bile-green 1970
Dodge Dart Swinger pulls up, parks.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It’s nothing but pawn shops, guitar shacks,
tourist shit, strip joints, star maps,
sleazy bars, street trash
and hustlers of indeterminate gender.

Sparkle gets out.
Locks the car.
Looks around.

No one notices, no one looks.
She blends.

CARRIE (V.O.)
A far cry from 'the
land of celluloid dreams.'

We follow the young woman
marching down the sidewalk.

No one looks at her twice.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Not only is it a mecca for the
sea of humanity yearning to be famous --
it’s also a vicious black hole of hell,
sucking in a staggering array of psychotic,
self esteem-challenged social misfits,
driven by rage, sin --
and a pathetic desire to be famous.
(beat)
Almost none of them make it, of course.
So the town is strewn with the litter
of faded dreams, broken hearts,
and a hell of alotta whores.

Sparkle reaches a store.
An old, original facade.

THE BARGAIN CLOWN MART.
She smiles devilishly.

SPARKLE
Well, alrighty then.
Let’s check out what’s
under the big top --

Full Moon Fever

2013-04-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

911 Is A Joke

2013-04-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

Spin The Dickhead

2013-04-26T10:23:00.000-07:00

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 23 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, our story takes a twisted turn when teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty murders a film industry hack she picked up in a club, cuts up his body ... and then pleasures herself ...

INT. SHITTY HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
The kind of room where
you don’t need a black light
to see the stains.

Sparkle sits on the bed,
very pin-up.

In nothing but a teddie
and a big smile.

Presses PLAY on a big boom box
on the night stand.

Some strange, obscure 80's new-wave
song percolates over the speakers.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
(about the music)
I like this, who is it?
It was in that film --
what was it, uh --

SPARKLE
DollsHead.
The film was 'Random Acts of Architecture,’
a dark little indie coming of age flick
about a teenage girl who has her first orgasm.
She kills the guy who gave it to her --
and then goes on a cross-country road trip
where she has a bunch of episodic adventures
on a journey of self-discovery.

ANGLE ON:

The MAN she’s talking to,
a FILM INDUSTRY HACK (50’s),
scary in black Gucci boxers, cigar.

FILM INDUSTRY HACK
That’s right. I read about that.
(slides onto the bed)
Ever smoke before sex?

SPARKLE
You make me laugh.
Long and hard.
Fucking 'LOL' time, slick.
Can I POKE you?
Wanna cyber-fuck?
Can I instant massage you?
Give it to you up the avatar?
Wanna SOCIAL NETWORK?

She starts laughing maniacally.
Cracks herself up.

FILM INDUSTRY HACK
Oh. My. God.
I totally forgot.
I got this -- thing tonight.
How could I forget.
God, am I an asshole.

She WHIPS out a big, chrome HANDGUN
from behind her back.

JAMS it in his mouth.
Whispers, a’la Dirty Harry.

SPARKLE
You got that right, buster.
Now shut the fuck up
and get on your knees.
It’s time for you to play
'spin the dickhead'
and beg for your fictional life.
Ride the 45 caliber pony.
Time to give a
Chuck Heston blow job,
go down on the NRA --
and swallow.

CLOSE ON --
Her face. Having a ball.

We hear the sickly THWUNK of a silencer, and --
blood splatters her perfect bone structure.

SPARKLE
Cut, print -- that’s a TAKE.

She smiles.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - BATHROOM - DUSK
Sparkle stands naked over the body
in the bath tub.

She’s covered in blood.
Cutting up the body.

CAMERA stays on her as she leans over,
saws off pieces.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
AMERICAN PSYCHO was widely
misunderstood by the critics.
But then, who could blame them?
The book it was based on
was a misogynistic piece
of yuppie masturbatory crap.

She raises up an arm.
Salutes it.

Tosses it in a garbage bag.
Returns to her work.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
The film is actually a black comedy --
a satire of the go-go
Reagan eighties in Manhattan.
It almost derailed when
Leo DiCaprio came on board,
causing the low-budget indie
to bloat overnight into a
fifty-million-dollar mega-production.
Thank god for Leo’s handlers,
because he ended up getting cold feet.

She raises up a leg.
Makes a face.

Chucks it in the bag.
Grabs the saw. Continues.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
As fun as it is,
this flick didn’t completely
satisfy this critic.
I mean, there’s no point to
Jason Bateman’s killing, is there?
He’s just a psycho --
there’s no story, no plot, per se.
It’s completely random.
It’s hilarious, sure, but it’s
the cinematic equivalent of a Happy Meal --
goes down fast, but devoid
of any creative nutrition.

Sparkle saws harder.
This one’s tough.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
This installation -- this piece --
this reinterpretation is
the stuff of real meaning. Of truth.
A commentary on the banalities
of the modern mating ritual.
It is my intention to desconstruct
and then reinvent the American family.
Show the world that you
don’t have to be a victim.
That you can create your own family,
control your own destiny --

The killer cutie finishes. Smiles.
Raises up the Industry Hack’s head --

SPARKLE (V.O.)
And make your own fucking movie.

And kisses him on the mouth.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The slinky, femme, crime theme
trip-hop groove of DollsHead’s
TOUCH THE MOON over --

IN MONTAGE:
Sparkle glides in from the bathroom.

In a sexy red nightie.
Pink fuzzy slippers.
And a lot of blood.

She goes to the bed.
Places the gut-smeared
fishing hook-knife on the nightstand.
It gleams in a flash of light.

CLOSE ON --
The table.
Crimson hands open a drawer.

Take out a foot-long
'back massager' VIBRATOR.

That’s right, folks --
say hello to the 'Space Needle.'

SPARKLE
lies down on the bed.
Gets ready for lift off.

CLOSE ON --
Her dainty, pretty feet.
With bloody, blue frosted nails.

They arch, stretch like a cat.
A soft sigh. A little kittie-yawn.

The CAMERA SLOWLY PANS UP
tanned, slender legs, as --

the BUZZING starts.
Causing thighs to slightly twitch, part.

SPARKLE’S
face. Eyes closed. Dreamy.
A hint of a smile.

A finger itches her nose,
leaving a smear of blood.

IN MONTAGE:
Sparkle GRABS Bruce Ball by the cuffs --
SLAMS him into a wall with a SHRIEK.

BRUCE
twists and turns in agony
in the scalding shower.

THE VIBRATOR
roto-rooters in gentle circles
on her private place.

SPARKLE
writhes in wave after wave of pleasure.

THE HIPSTER VIDEO CLERK
lies on the floor of the crap hotel room.
Muffled SCREAMS as Sparkle STABS the fuzzy body.

SPARKLE
moans, arches her back

DINA
gagged, tied and bound
in an abandoned restaurant kitchen.

Terrified eyes pleading and screaming --
As her hand is guided into a meat grinder.

THE VIBRATOR
is kicked up a notch. BZZZZZZZZZ.

SPARKLE
moans louder. Eyes clenched shut.

THE FILM INDUSTRY HACK’S
mouth opens. The gun barrel slides in.
BANG. Blood SPLATTERS the wall behind him.

SPARKLE
climaxes, spasms --

SHRIEKS, an animal baying at the moon.

SPARKLE
Mommm-yyyyyyyyyy!

Tricks Are For Chicks

2013-04-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 22 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty scares the shit out of a suit who tries to hit on her at a sleazy nightclub. Meanwhile, demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer prepares to shoot a most unusual porno starring homicide detective Carrie Love's squeeze Laura Lang ...

EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
An ugly, gutteral-twisting techno groove --
Curve’s violent, feminine WISH YOU DEAD.

Pain.
Hollywood’s glittering
club-of-the-moment.

Celeb-filled.
Self-conscious.
Fabulous.

A cluster of TRENDIES
lay in wait
behind the velvet rope.

INT. PAIN - BAR - CONTINUOUS
Sparkle sits on a bar stool,
sips a chilled Twisted Nipple.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Okay, here’s the thing.
I’m gonna spell
it out for ya.
No subtext here,
just the straight poop.
Ready on the poop deck!

A DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
slides onto the next stool.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
Hi, there.

SPARKLE
What’s the hub-bub, bub?

The MBA stares, confused --
then recovers.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
40’s noir.
Love it.
You must be a writer.

SPARKLE
As if. What-ever.
Gag me. Your bad.
We must not do lunch.
Have your people
tell my people
to shove it up your ass.
Buh-bye. Bigger, better offer.
(sips drink, off his look)
'Tex' Avery, 1950’s.
Cartoons, big fella.
Big fucking Bugs Bunny --
whassup, doc.
Silly rabbit,
tricks are for chicks.

Pause.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
Uh -- right.
(pulls out prescription bottle,
hands it to her)
Here.
Take a couple of these.
They’ll level you out.

He leaves,
muttering to himself.

SPARKLE
(sings)
Your love is
giving me bad medicine --

She sips her cocktail.
Lights a Dunhill.
Laughs to herself.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
'Kay.
Gonna smash all your
precious little myths.
Yes, my dad was a closet case
that drowned himself
in Iron City beer
and Broadway musicals --
and yes, my dear, sweet mama
finger-fucked her
precious little
beauty pageant prisoner.
(beat)
But that’s not
why I’m doing this --
no way, Jose.
This chick’s not into it
for some kind of
emotionally scarred
payback kinda thing.
This ain’t no party,
this ain’t no disco,
this ain’t no fooling around.
It’s just -- fun.
It’s a high.
Better than coming.
(beat)
C’mon, admit it.
You’ve got someone in your life
you’d like to do bodily harm to,
maybe even kill.
Your neighbor, someone at work.
Maybe, if you’re
really blessed, an ex-lover?
Or, if you’ve been chosen,
found your calling --
a relative.
(beat)
Yeah, that’s a good one.
Blow em up.
Imagine how great it feels
to totally obliterate
the demented creators
of your misery and pain.
It’s like having a big bowl
of instant karma,
served with mother’s milk --
and Daddy’s banana.

INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A real soundstage.
A surprisingly good set.

This is a porno with a budget.
Production value. A CREW.

Laura is on a chrome gurney,
very Barbarella in plastic and vinyl.

Bored look covering her dread.
Her creeping panic.

KLAUS
Take number 4 and 5
up a bit more, please.

BURLY GRIP
Brighter? More brighter?

KLAUS
No. Make it darker.
So we can’t fucking see her.
(mutters to himself)
Non-union idiot.

LAURA
What are you,
taking a fucking light reading?

KLAUS
Hold your horsies,
my little turtle-dove.
(to a tech)
Let’s try the music.
Check the levels.

TECH (O.S.)
Scary gothic Nazi tunes
coming right up.

The soaring, over-the-top
stormtrooper-in-love sound of
Ultravox’s LOVE’S GREAT ADVENTURE
blasts at full-volume.

KLAUS
Ja. Too sexy for my fucken T-shirt.
(to a PA)
The dry ice!
Start the dry ice!

A dense fog sweeps into frame.
Circles his waist.

Klaus hands Laura a CONTROL BOX,
demonstrates the knobs.

KLAUS
This one controls the amps --
this one for the watts --
this, for the frequency modulation --

LAURA
And the Energizer Pussy
just keeps on getting electrocuted.

KLAUS
You snicker now,
my bitter Fraulein,
but you have never
scaled the heights that
the Pandora Box will take you.
Never felt such pleasure,
such ecstacy, such bliss.

Laura slowly turns a knob,
gets a JOLT in her privates.

LAURA
Ow, FUCK! Bollocks!
(beat)
Fuckin’ bliss is gonna
blow my bloody fusebox.

KLAUS
Yes! She’s angry!
That hurts!
But it feels so good!
Ach de lieber -- mein chubby!
(throws up his arms)
Speed! Roll video! Magic time!

Look Who The Cat Fucked In

2013-04-24T11:34:00.001-07:00

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 21 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, suspended homicide detective Carrie Love and her partner/ex-husband Bernie Keko meet with police chief Larry Lipshitz, who plays them a tape teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty left at the scene of her latest grisly 'installation' ...

INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - LIPSHITZ’ OFFICE - DAY
Larry sits behind his desk.
Sips his designer coffee.

LIPSHITZ
Damn, that’s good.
Who knew Ethiopia had such --

A sharp KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
on the door.

LIPSHITZ
Come in.

It opens.
Bernie strides in.

Stops.
Looks behind him.

KEKO
Carrie. C’mon.

Carrie shuffles in.
Dishevelled.
Stinking of last night.

CARRIE
(low)
Hey, Chief.

LIPSHITZ
Jesus, look who the cat fucked in.
Nice outfit.
Where’s your shopping cart?

She goes to a chair.
Pours herself into it.

CARRIE
Didn’t know the rules applied
when I’m suspended.

KEKO
I found her in a bar, Chief --

LIPSHITZ
Can it, and sit your ass down.
This is serious business.
I’ve got no time for your
‘Divorce American Style’ crap.
(to Carrie)
You’re here Carrie because
we believe you were the
last person to see Ms. Daerr alive.

CARRIE
How could that be?
She was here at the station,
and tons of people were --

LIPSHITZ
Ramirez has a surveillance tape
from the morning she was killed.
(beat)
You really get around, don’tcha.

Busted.

CARRIE
(turning red)
Look, I can explain --

LIPSHITZ
And I don’t wanna hear it.
I could give a holy fuck.
I just want you
to listen to this tape --
and tell me if Daerr
said anything or did anything
that could shed some light
on this madness.

He points to a boombox on his desk.
Punches ‘play.’

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Hey there, film freaks!
Welcome to Murder Fone!
If you know the name of the
grisly dead body
you want to see, press ONE.
If you know the name of the movie
that’s being depicted, press TWO.
And if you know the name of
the brilliant auteur, press THREE.

They exchange glances.
Lipshitz rolls his eyes.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Time’s up! BUZZZZZ.
(beat)
Pathetic.
You rubes probably watch reality TV.
The cultural scourge
of this once-great nation.
(beat)
I’m talking Brian DePalma, people!
Brian Fucking De-Palma.
The. Man. Gimmee five.
Gimmee some skin.
Gimmee some skin flick.
(beat)
DRESSED TO KILL was unleashed on the world
by Paramount Pictures back in ‘82.
Although most critics initially
dismissed it as a blatant,
cheesy Hitchcock rip-off,
it more than holds up today as
an erotic, beautifully shot mis en scene --
a pre-postmodern noir of elegant pacing.
It briefly let Angie Dickinson shine again
in a ‘brave performance’ --
(beat)
And it was a fucking brilliant plot device
to have what seemed to be a major character
sliced and diced like that thirty minutes in --
(beat)
Poor, bloody, sexy baby
in creamy beige lying in the elevator,
shredded to ribbons --
(beat)
So, I said to myself, ‘self?
How can I top that?
(giggles)
Guess the meat grinder
takes it to the next level, huh.
(beat)
Don’t worry.
I thought of making
deviled sandwiches out of her --
but even I have some limits.
Crazed, genius serial killer, oui --
depraved cannibal, no.
(beat)
Oh, and Carrie --
you and Bernie better
get your shit together.
‘Cause the end of the third act
is gonna get very messy.

Silence.

CARRIE
I feel sick.
(beat)
And oddly hungry all of a sudden.

LIPSHITZ
Did Daerr mention
anybody she was mad at?
Or who was mad at her?
Her ex, maybe?
I mean, seeing as how
she was a muff-diver,
you might have some insight
into the matter.

Carrie shoots him a look.

LIPSHITZ
Nothing?
Well, look -- here’s the deal.
She’s made it personal,
has some fucked up thing
for you and Bernie.
But unfortunately for me,
you’re off the team for now.

CARRIE
I’d come back to work
if you asked me nicely.

LIPSHITZ
I want you to go home
and think, think hard.
And get your shit together.
Don’t spiral down into
a black void of sex,
alcohol and despair.
(friendly)
‘Cause if you do,
I’ll kill ya.

Carrie stands. Nods.
Goes to the door.
Called on her shit.

CARRIE
I will.
(beat)
Nice to see you, Chief --

And she’s gone.
Larry gets up.

KEKO
I think you got to her, Lare.

LIPSHITZ
Let’s just hope
she doesn’t get to herself.
(points at the door)
I want you and Valentine
to keep checking out those clubs.
It’s our only lead.

KEKO
(as he leaves)
Don’t worry.
We’ll get the bitch.

LIPSHITZ
So what does she want
with Love and Keko?
Must’ve had a FUCKED UP childhood --

The Days Of Wine And Lesbos

2013-04-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, suspended homicide detective Carrie Love and porn star Laura Lang have a snack after their evening of debauchery. The next morning, detective Bernie Keko tracks down Carrie at her favorite dive bar to inform her that teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty has killed her latest victim ... the chick that Carrie's been cheating on Laura with ...

INT. CARRIE’S KITCHEN - BAR - DAWN
The lovers sit on bar stools.
Carrie feeds Laura a White Castle cheeseburger
with her fingers.

CARRIE
I think I hurt my back.

LAURA
I think I hurt my tongue.

Pause.

CARRIE
It feels like,
I don’t know anything anymore.
If I can orgasm --
without you even touching me --

LAURA
But I was.

CARRIE
Yeah.

They stare at each other.
Goofy. Lean in. Kiss.

LAURA
Mmm. That was good.

CARRIE
And you liked the burger?

LAURA
You taste better.
(beat)
Would you nuke a couple more?
Please?

CARRIE
For you, my love --
I’d nuke heaven and earth.

She goes to microwave, pops a few in.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
So what’s the name of the video?

LAURA
Electro-Glide in Lube.
It was supposed to be Blade-Fucker,
but Klaus got scared that
Warner Brothers might give him a problem.

CARRIE
Aren’t you scared?
I’ve seen that gear.
Looks kinda dangerous to me.
All that voltage in your --

The microwave DINGS.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
You know.

LAURA
Don’t worry, love, I’ll be fine.
Klaus said I’d have the controls.
(beat)
Set phasers to ‘stun.’
So to speak.

Carrie comes in with an
offering for her goddess.

CARRIE
I know.
I’m sorry -- I -- that was stupid.

Pause.

LAURA
(very quiet)
Thanks.
(looks at the plate, then her)
You’re so good to me.

CARRIE
You’re so good to ME.

Laura’s eyes are bright, liquid.
She looks small, fragile
in her big, white terrycloth robe.
Makeup long gone.

LAURA
Sometimes I -- don’t think
I deserve someone like you.

CARRIE
Hey, enough of that. Listen.
You deserve it. I deserve it.
We’re just people. Both of us.

Pause.

LAURA
Then -- why doesn’t it feel like it?

INT. THE CIRCLE BAR - MORNING
The Supremes’ STONE LOVE plays softly on the juke.
Bright. Cheerful. Full of soul.

Unlike the bar. Dark. Quiet.
Inhabited by drunks at 9AM.

Carrie pours herself into plush bar stool.
Orders her favorite poison.

Hears the music.
Takes off a combat boot --
And FLINGS IT at the music -- THWAP.

The record stops -- THWIK.

PABLO, the bartender,
Vin Diesel on sleep deprivation --
CRACKS his knuckles.

CARRIE
Sorry about that.
(beat)
Love songs make me wanna kill someone.
Put it on my tab.
(beat)
Better set up another.

BARTENDER
(pours)
Trouble with the ladies again?

CARRIE
Lady. A woman -- girl, really.
(beat)
Ladies. Sounds so --
(takes a big slug)
Demure. Pristine.

BARTENDER
Well, that's the idea, isn't it?
I mean, who doesn't want a lady?

Long pause.

CARRIE
My girlfriend, Pablo.
My fucking girlfriend.

AT THE FRONT
Bernie ambles in,
spies his prey, grins.
Shakes his head.

KEKO
(sings)
The days of wine and lesbos --

CAMERA follows him to the bar, laughing.

CARRIE
Get the fuck out of my bar, detective.

KEKO
Oh, 'your bar?'
This is your bar?
I bet Donnie Dapello
would find that interesting.
Did you finally pay off the vig --
or did the old man finally die
and leave you his estate?

CARRIE
This isn’t some stupid movie, Bernie --
where the former lovers
have to work together,
fight for awhile,
confront each other, change --
patch up their differences --
and end up back together,
happily ever after.
This is my life.
And I want you out of it.

KEKO
Ooh. That’s real hard-boiled
lady dick lingo, little girl.
You think I came here to do a
little Hepburn-Tracy dance with you?
Well, think again,
miss carpet muncher.
I’m here because Lipshitz
wants to see you.

Carrie grabs the bottle.
Pours a shot. Pounds it.

CARRIE
What. He’s gonna ask me
to turn in my swiss army knife
and my decoder ring?

KEKO
You know Double D-Girl --
the airbrushed filly you’ve
been two-timing Miss gang-bang with?

She stops cold.
Gives him a look that maims --
then kills.

CARRIE
What the fuck is it to you.

KEKO
She was found this morning
in her apartment.
In about a hundred pieces.
Spread like chunky peanut butter --

Dirty Little Secrets

2013-04-22T10:44:00.001-07:00

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love and porn star Laura Lang check out the perverted pleasures at Club Fuck ... and then take them home to the bedroom ...

EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
The filth-sleaze go-go of the
Thrill Kill Kult’s DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS over --

A faceless warehouse on the
cheap end of Santa Monica Blvd.

Laura pulls Carrie
behind the velvet rope.

ON THE WOMEN
Laura, an SS erotic piece of art.
Carrie, just getting her feet wet
in something too short, too tight.

LAURA
Ready to get totally depraved?

CARRIE
Yes, please.

INT. CLUB FUCK - FRONT BAR
A carnival of perversion.
The fall of Rome. Fellini, on tap.

The magic couple sip cocktails.
Hands all over each other.

CARRIE
It’s the nipple clamp version
of the Star Wars alien bar.
(beat)
I love it.

LAURA
(takes her hand)
Then c’mon, love --
let’s tighten the screws.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR
The throbbing groove of
The Thrill Kill Kult’s BLUE BUDDHA.

In a hailstorm of strobes,
an earthquake of music,
Carrie and Laura shake it,
grind -- delirious. Intoxicated.

CARRIE
(sings along)
Ultra flesh, is what we want --

IN MONTAGE:

ON A BANQUETTE AT THE REAR BAR/LOUNGE
they hold hands.

Laura leans over, whispers something.
Carrie ERUPTS with laughter.

IN THE 'PLAY ROOM'
The girls watch the demonstration.

A TRIBAL MASTER deftly flogs a
young ANDROGYNOUS BOY
on his panty-clad privates --

AT THE FRONT BAR
Carrie and Laura order drinks.
Stare at each other.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR
The kinky sounds of the
Thrill Kill Kult’s SEX ON WHEELZ.

The women twist and shake.
Bump and grind.
Slither and slide.

IN MONTAGE
An 'almost there, but not quite'
VALLEY COUPLE stare.

Two tweaky ecstasy GAY CLUB BOYS leer.
A SCARY GOTH GUY and GIRL
slide up next to them.

FROM ABOVE
The lovers do their mating dance.

IN THE BOOTH
the DJ YELLS something at the LIGHT BOY.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR
a spotlight HITS the girls.
They don’t notice, entranced.

Laura takes Carrie’s neck in her hands.
KISSES her mouth.

They stop dancing. Kiss.
Devour. Melt. Merge.

And, as CAMERA starts a
slow circular pan around them --

Laura GRABS Carrie’s hair.
Pulls her head back.

Bends into her neck.
Starts sucking. Biting. Feasting.

Strobe lights EXPLODE,
spinning shards of pulsing passion.

INT. PLAYROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The scary, depraved goth-ooze of Daniel Ash’s
COMING DOWN bubbles under the dark dankness.
Last call. Final fix.

Carrie and Laura stand stage right.
A DOMINATRIX unshackles an
underage-looking nymph
in a Girl Scout uniform.

Laura unclips a leash.
Hooks it to Carrie’s collar.

CARRIE
gulps. Part fear. Part wet.

LAURA
gives a little yank.
Pulls her up onto the stage.

Guides her over to a large wooden cross,
like a big ‘X’.

CARRIE’S EYES
flicker. Liquid. Innocent.

At least for now --

Laura places Carrie’s left wrist
on the cross.

Into a shackle.
SNAPS it shut.
Then does the other.

The blonde reaches up to the
zipper at Carrie’s throat.

Slowly unzips it --
all the way down.

The glistening black vinyl flies open --
Revealing lingerie. Bare, trembling skin.

Goosebumping. Glistening.

Laura reaches down.
Places Carrie’s left ankle on the cross.

SNAPS the shackle shut.
Then the right ankle.

She stops.

Takes a black leather-gloved hand,
strokes Carrie’s calf.
Our heroine shudders.

Then slowly, achingly --
goes up, up Carrie’s leg.

Reaches her soft, milky thigh.
Stops.

CARRIE
quivers.
Bites her lip.

Closes her eyes.
A tear of pleasure trickles down.

Yes.
Laura’s hand continues on it’s journey.
Reaches Carrie’s panties.

Stops.
Carrie’s hips buckle.
She can’t take it.

Please.

LAURA
stands up abruptly.

Boots CLOMP, CLOMP over to
a rack of instruments.

Paddle. Whip. Riding crop.
Cat-o’-nine tails.

She grabs the cat-flogger.
Takes a breath.

The women lock eyes.
Laura smiles.

Slowly raises it.
CRACKS it in the air.

Carrie reacts.
Hands grip the restraints.

Laura walks over.
Kisses her.

Whispers sweet naughties.
Returns to her position --

And starts making love
to her trembling slave-girl.

Gently swirls the dozen
soft deerskin straps like a flag --

And softly whacks Carrie’s tummy.
A tickle. A tease.

Carrie jerks with pleasure.
And again, crack -- on her shoulder.

Crack, on Carrie’s thigh.
She moans softly. Surprised.

Uhhh.
INT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT - LATER THAT MORNING
The fragile, subterranean croon of
David Bowie’s cover of GOD ONLY KNOWS over --

In the bedroom,
softly lit with a lone candle.
Carrie’s handcuffed to the bedposts.

In the same outfit.
But the dress is gone.

Laura kneels before her
on the foamy comforter.
Flogging Carrie gently.
Delicately.

And on each swirling
whissssk of the soft straps --
Carrie jerks with new pleasure.

Without the visual,
it sounds just like lovemaking.

Because it is.

Laura’s flogging quickens.
Softer. Closer. Deeper.

Carrie writhes. Moans.
Starts to reach climax --

Pause.

And she HOWLS AT THE MOON.
A carnal, animal bray.

SHRIEKS like a banshee virgin
finally finding release.

Starts crying, sobbing from so much.
Laura THROWS the flogger to the floor.

Reaches up.
Unfastens Carrie’s wrists.

Throws her arms around her.
Holds her there.

PUSH IN on their faces.
Simple. Pure. Perfect.

Liquid Lunch

2013-04-19T14:11:00.002-07:00

Splendor In The Ass

2013-04-18T14:20:00.001-07:00

The Other White Meat

2013-04-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Bernie Keko investigates yet another one of teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's victims. Meanwhile, as police chief Larry Lipshitz gives a press conference about the murders, we discover disgraced detective Carrie Love in bed with witness Dina Daerr watching it on TV... as is her porn star flame Laura Lang, in bed with her director ...

INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - DAY
At the crime scene,
BERNIE inspects Bruce’s steaming body,
char-broiled to a crisp --
like a big, bright red lobster.

Joining him is Detective JESUS VALENTINE,
a fireplug of restless anger
stuffed into the cheapest suit in the world.

KEKO
(wrinkles nose)
Pee-yoo.
Haven’t seen a scalding in awhile.
Talk about 'well done.'

VALENTINE
Smells like my mama’s cooking.

KEKO
The other white meat?

VALENTINE
No, rice and beans, man.
Got so fucking sick of
rice and fucking beans --
was dyin’ from that shit.
Saturday night was the one night
we’d have something different.
I can still smell it -- the sausage.

KEKO
That’s what I said,
'the other white meat.'

Jesus stares at Bernie, uncomprehending.

KEKO (CONT’D)
Pork, Jesus. Pork.

VALENTINE
You think just because I’m
a fucking Mexican we had fucking pork?
Well, fuck you, we were different,
man, we had -- Pizza.
Dominos, Shakey’s, Little Caesar’s,
even Wolfgang Fuckin’ Puck.
We ran the gamut on that shit.
(beat)
Weird. He smells like fucking pizza.

KEKO
Hey, I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to -- you know.

VALENTINE
(looks at the body)
Must be Italian or shit.
Got that European 'bathe once a week'
kinda thing goin’ on.
(beat)
It’s fuckin’ uncivilized, man.
No wonder the killer did it
in the fucking shower.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
From behind, we see Laura’s beautiful tush.
She turns toward us, grabs a razor --
and steps into the shower.

IN THE SHOWER
The razor slides across a shiny, perfect thigh.

LAURA
(sings)
On the night you murdered love --

A TELEVISION NEWS BROADCAST
A stiff, HANDSOME ANCHOR and a gorgeous
LATINA ANCHORWOMAN, shellacked hair,
grim frozen smile,
lean into THE CAMERA --

HANDSOME ANCHOR
We take you now to a press conference
in front of police headquarters, where --

LATINA ANCHORWOMAN
Brock Bradley is on the scene --
(dramatic pause)
Brock -- we’ve been told Larry Lipshitz,
chief detective, LA homicide --
is going to make a statement.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT STEPS - NIGHT
A gaggle of PRESS, ONLOOKERS and
COPS surround a podium crammed with mikes.
Larry Lipshitz takes a swig of Maalox.

BROCK BRADLEY
a vacant John Tesh on steroids
grips his mike, cocks his head,
gazes into THE CAMERA.

BROCK
That’s right, Lina.
They’re about to start any minute now --

YELLING MAN (O.S.)
Fuck you, stop pushing!
Unfair to the Guild!
Writers have rights!

HANDSOME ANCHOR
Holy homicide, Brock --
what the heck’s goin’ on down there?

BROCK
Well, there’s a couple of
protest groups out here, Biff --
one of them’s a group
from the Writer’s Guild --
they’re saying it’s
unfair to blame them,
and refer to the killings as
'cinema copycat crimes' --

LINA
And what’s the other group, Brock?

BROCK
I’m glad you asked, Lina --
protesting against Hollywood
marketing violence to children --
the Christian Unified Nation of Teachers.

The beauty spells out
the letters to herself. Gasps.

BROCK (CONT'D)
There’s Lipshitz.

BIFF
And not a moment too soon.

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT STEPS - CONTINUOUS
Larry tugs at his tie, loosens it.
Looks at the crowd.

LIPSHITZ
Thank you all for coming.
I know these are scary times we’re living in,
dark days in the city of angels.

He takes out a scrap of paper,
puts on his glasses.

SARCASTIC REPORTER
'City of angels?'
Who do you think you are,
Raymond Chandler?

LIPSHITZ
Nice to see you too, Mim.
What’s the matter,
didn’t get any last night?
(to the crowd)
I’m going to read a statement.
There’ll be no questions --

INT. KLAUS SPEER’S ESTATE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Klaus lies sprawled on his king-sized canopied bed.
Swirls, sips cognac from an oversized snifter.
Watches the telly.

KLAUS
(to someone offscreen)
The fucking police have nothing.
Nothing. Just this, this -- statement.
It’s incredible, I tell you.
The killer’s some kind of twisted genius.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
Takes one to know one.

KLAUS
Flattery’ll get you -- anything you want.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
(sexy)
You’ll come in and help me douche, then?

KLAUS
Come back to bed, my little vixen --
I like your natural, animal -- scent.

He chuckles, eyes light up with mischief.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
You Germans --

Laura walks in, naughty smile --
and naughtier lingerie.

LAURA
Are such kinky, naughty little devils.

INT. DINA’S BEACH HOUSE - BEDROOM - AT THE SAME TIME
Watching the news coverage is --
Dina, snuggled in bed with Carrie.

LIPSHITZ (O.S.)
This devil, this animal -- and bring him --
or her -- to justice once and for all.
And make the (BLEEP)ing streets
safe once again for
our law-abiding citizens.
(beat)
Pardon my metaphor. Sorry.

DINA
Your boss is an angry man.

CARRIE
You’d be angry too if you were my boss.
(grabs cigarette, lights up)
Be right back. Gotta pee.

She climbs out of bed.
Pads over to the bathroom.

DINA
You’re gonna miss all the fun.

IN THE BATHROOM
Carrie sits. Pees.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
You thought I was the hero?
Well, I’m sorry to puncture your balloon.
Tip your fucking applecart --
but life doesn’t always have a happy ending.
Now if you’ll excuse me --
I’ve got a thoroughbred
waiting for me in her bed.
And I’d like to give her a little sugar.
(beat)
Cause when the going gets tough --
the tough get laid.