That Tabor Guy

Tabor's Top 10 roles for Actors

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 16:55:00 +0000

(Bill the Butcher demands to be ranked higher than #6)

I did my top ten best roles for actresses over a year ago. I’ve been putting off doing one for actors mainly out of laziness but partially out of the difficulty of ranking them. I asked myself the same questions I asked myself while doing an actress list.
1) What characters commanded the audience’s attention every time they are on the screen, regardless of the importance of their role?
2) Did they have the ability to move you emotionally?
3) Were they believable?
4) Were their mannerisms true to their dialogue?
I compiled a list of 20 of my favorite roles and grudgingly widdled it down to 10. I find the things I look for in my actresses is completely different than what I look for in an actor. The majority of the actress roles I selected were focused on women who were tragedy laden. Usually roles involving terminal illness, drug/alcohol abuse, inferiority complexes, etc.
However, when it comes to roles that I enjoy from actors they are much more abrasive, much more in control. Most of these characters are people that you’d never want to meet in real life. They are fun to observe, but quite frankly they are assholes in the purest sense. Here we go!

#10. Daniel Plainview- Played by Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood”

Starting right off with perhaps the biggest jerk on the list. Some of the other characters on this list may have some redeeming qualities but not Daniel. He hates everyone he has ever met and at the end of the film, nothing has changed.
Daniel Plainview begins the movie as a silver miner who accidentally strikes oil while blasting in his mineshaft. After becoming fairly wealthy he realizes people are very weary about helping him because he is such a cruel man. After he finds an abandoned baby in a basket he raises the child as his own, not out of love, but more because people will be more likely to do business with him if he takes this child around with him on business endeavors. He hates people in general and probably wouldn't have anything to do with them, but he needs them to make money. By the time the film is over Daniel has killed people, left towns in shambles, turned his back on his deaf “son”, and even made a minister renounce god to being a myth. He is infinitely mean but we can’t take our eyes off him for a second. Daniel Day-Lewis won an Oscar for this role in 2007.

#9. Lester Burman –played by Kevin Spacey in “American Beauty”

It’s a hard job to make the audience fall in love with a married character whom, in his mid- 40’s falls in “lust” with his daughter’s 18 year-old best friend. He also blackmails his boss, begins smoking pot, and regresses back to his teenage years quitting his real job and getting hired in at a fast food restaurant specifically asking for as little responsibility as possible.
I guess it’s easy for him to justify his actions to the audience when we see how fake and bitter his wife is. His daughter hates him. He doesn’t have any real friends. He is forced to drone on through life as a zombie incapable of happiness. His conscious is awakened when he sees Angela Hayes a fellow cheerleader on his daughters’ squad doing a halftime dance. Apparently this reminds him that there is more to life than going through the motions. He uses his newfound lust as a springboard to his own happiness. Shunning the stereotypes of the American dream that he has strived for only to find emptiness. He begins living the life that he wants rather than what his wife’s expectations are. There is a quote he has in this film that rings so true “You’re never too old to get it back.” It’s a great mantra for anyone who finds himself or herself in the rut of the daily grind.

#8. Tony Montana- Played by Al Pacino in “Scarface”

Such a great role in such a mediocre film. I’ve always wished that screenplay writer Oliver Stone would have opted to direct his awesome script rather than handing it off to the unworthy hands of the horrendous Brian DePalma. This film could have been a masterpiece. But as it is the film itself falls short due to the directing but it is saved by one the greatest actors of all-time, Al Pacino. I didn’t know Al had it in him to be so aggressive, to flow from cool-headed Italian Michael Corleone in the Godfather films to hot headed murdering Cuban drug king pin Tony Montana so seamlessly. The accent he uses in the film is still used by everyone. Even people that have never seen Scarface have heard “Say Hello to my little friend!!” considering that line is quoted in at least 5 films per year since 1983. It’s a basic story of an immigrant that comes to America to achieve whatever the American dream to them. In Tony’s case it’s being the richest, most ruthless, drug dealer who takes what he wants whenever he wants it.
There is depth to his character as well. He does have a soft spot for his sister and children in general. He expresses remorse over killing his best friend. He’s also a hardcore cocaine addict himself, which blurs his judgment on more than one occasion.

#7. Walt Kowalski- Played by Clint Eastwood in “Gran Torino”

The thing about Walt Kowalski that viewers must understand is that he’s from another generation. A generation where being a racist was as natural as breathing oxygen. I’m sure many of the people who read this can attribute some of his qualities to their own grandparents. A tough hard-working S.O.B. that values toughness and strength of conviction more than love and compassion. A veteran of the Korean War who has seen more than his fair share of tragedy has caused his own personal relationships with his children and grandchildren to suffer. Clint Eastwood glares and snarls at anyone that makes eye contact with him. He has become a widower in the beginning of the movie and refuses help from priests, neighbors, and relatives choosing isolation as the better alternative.
Walt hates what his Detroit neighborhood has become. Once a healthy a prosperous white area in the 60’s, has now become a mostly Asian dominated ghetto. All of his former neighbors have either died off or taken off for the suburbs during the great white flight. He has no problems dropping racial insults on his neighbors any chance he gets. As the story progresses Walt starts to realize he has more in common with these foreigners than he does with his own spoiled-rotten family. This allows for a wonderfully layered relationship between him and his neighbors, most notably Tao, the young man that ends up looking to Walt as the father he never had, and the son Walt always wanted.

#6. Bill “The Butcher” Cutting- Played by Daniel Day-Lewis in “Gangs of New York”

Like “Scarface” the quality of this movie wasn’t up to my standards but a dominating character like Bill the Butcher can elevate a mediocre movie to Oscar worthy if the academy is enthralled when he is on the screen. Once again here is me rooting for the bad guy. Another racist, another murderer, and another determined individual willing to do whatever it takes for his cause.
Bill “The Butcher” Cutting is the leader of the most powerful gang that ruled the “Five-Points” in New York during the 1850’s-60’s. This was a violent era in American history and the Five Points were the worst of the worst. His gang was called “The Natives” it was made up of men that were born in America. They despised the boatloads of Irish, English, Scottish, etc. immigrants that unloaded in their city everyday. To show their distaste they would murder and pillage from them whenever they had the chance or face them in large-scale battles. Bill is a master with knives and stabbing weapons. He is unforgettable in his battle attire as he clenches a long straight knife in one hand and a thick meat cleaver in the other. His mustache curls up at the sides and his hair is always grimy and gross. His nonstop barrage of insults and hate mongering speeches, as well as a very macabre sense of humor make Bill Cutting one of the most memorable characters of all time.

#5. Gust Avrakotos- played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War”

Those that know me, know that P.S. Hoffman is my favorite actor in the world. His consistency is amazing and his ability to pick scripts is second to none. He has become a leading man over the past few years so it’s surprising to see one of his supporting roles as my personal favorite from him.
Gust Avrakotos was a maverick CIA agent who paired up with Charlie Wilson to help the people from Afghanistan compile weaponry and training to defeat the Russians. He is a no nonsense personality that isn’t afraid to tell his superiors to shove it in more ways than one. He has no filter between what he is thinking and what he says. He spares nobodies feelings in the pursuit of making his point. He is the perfect compliment to Tom Hanks as the smooth talking laid back congressman from Texas. There is something that all working class people can identify with when a man openly calls his boss a douchebag in front of the entire office. To break the glass of a superiors’ office window with a monkey wrench and call him a “fucking child”. It’s not the kind of guy I want to hang out with, but it’s the kind of guy I could watch all day.

#4. Colonel Massoud Behrani- played by Sir Ben Kingsley in “House of Sand and Fog”

This is the quintessential role to show the price that can be paid if you have too much pride for your own good. Behrani is a former Colonel in the Iranian army that lost everything when he was forced to flee Europe with his family. As immigrants to America, Behrani uses all of his money to have his daughter married off to a good family. His family has no idea of the financial hardships that they are under because Behrani has too much pride to tell him that he doesn’t work on the board of Boeing Airlines. Instead he dresses in a suit and tie before he leaves his house then changes into construction gear in a hotel bathroom to work for minimum wage with other immigrants. On the way home he washes in the same bathroom and puts his business clothes back on to keep up the façade for his family.
Upon seeing an auction for a house in the newspaper he finally sees his chance to get some money to put his kindhearted son through college. The house is being sold for a fraction of the value and he sees an opportunity to quickly flip the house for 4 times what he paid. The only problem is that the house was put on auction prematurely and it forced the former tenant a young divorcee played by Jennifer Connelly to move out unfairly. As Behrani hears her argument he refuses to give in and continues to treat her unfairly with his smug arrogance. This sets off a chain of tragic events that results in attempted suicides, murder, and a misguided cop in jail for murder. Upon seeing him and his wife’s only option is to be deported back to Iran and face execution, Behrani does what is the only the option in his view.

#3. Anton Chiggurgh- Played by Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men”

Anton Chiggurgh isn’t so much a character as he is an idea. The idea is the wave of violence sweeping the land in the 1980’s. He’s reason why small town cops all carry guns these days. The view that the days of “Leave it to Beaver” and Andy Griffith and Mayberry are a thing of the past. Nobody that has ever come in contact with Chiggurgh are not tainted in one-way or another. They are either left dead, defeated, greedier, scared, or with a new sense of coldness toward their loved ones. He is pure evil disguised in a human metaphor.
Every time Chiggurgh is on the screen the audience tenses up. He kills without discrimination. He verbally bullies everyone that dares talk to him. He threatens to kill family members of people if they don’t give him what he wants. Some may even call him the angel of death. He dresses in all black, his goofy Sir Lancelot haircut just adds to his creepiness. He talks in a deep but sinister voice. He knows what his goal is and goes after it. No matter if he’s shot or hit with a car he refuses to relent on his desire for chaos. Kinda like the Terminator except with principals.

#2. Danny Archer-Played by Leonardo Dicaprio in “Blood Diamond”

I have no idea how Leo was able to take an accent like he used as Danny Archer and made it sound so believable. I’ve never heard anything like it in all my years. A Zimbabwe accent I suppose but the tone and slang were flawlessly realistic. He also dabbles in Rastafarian, and numerous African dialects.
A soldier of fortune forced to watch his family slaughtered at the hands of the African civil war when he was a child, has grown into a heartless yet resourceful diamond smuggler. He knows how to survive in war zones with cunning, brass balls, and enough know-how when it comes to weaponry that even generals give him a wide berth if they can help it. At the news that there is a pink diamond the size of a fist that has recently been found by a fisherman turned slave, Danny agrees to help the slave get his family back in payment for the location of the stone. Danny Archer’s resourcefulness and unflappable nature make us forgive him for being such an asshole in the first ¾ of the film. Great job Leo!! I finally forgive you for “Titanic”.

#1. Peter Evans- Played by Michael Shannon in “Bug”

A very hard role to describe, yet its complexity is probably why I like it so much. It’s even harder trying to describe without spoiling the film for people who haven’t seen it yet. So just in case: Spoiler Warning: Do not read unless you have already seen “Bug” or do not plan on seeing it.
Peter Evans is a drifter who is picked up at a bar by one of Agnes’ lesbian friends. She is worried that Agnes (Ashley Judd) hasn’t had any romantic relationships since her abusive ex-husband was locked up in jail over a year ago. Unfortunately Peter Evans is the very opposite of a healthy relationship. He is a paranoid schizophrenic with a drug problem. His paranoia only fuels Agnes’ own desperation and paranoia. He has her convinced that bugs are living inside his body and he has passed them to Agnes during intercourse. The bugs are a product of his meth abuse as well as military experiments that were done to him. His mannerisms and speech patterns give his character depth beyond what is expected in a horror film. It transcends roles from Brando, Bogart, and any other of the great actors in the history of film. To truly grasp his power one has to invest themselves in the film 100%. Then watch it again. It might not be everybody’s cup of tea but nobody can discount the fervor that Michael Shannon invested into the role.

Honorable Mentions:
-John Goodman as Walter Sobchak in “The Big Lebowski”
-Joe Pesci as Nicky Santoro in “Casino”
-Don Cheadle as Paul Rusesabagina in “Hotel Rwanda”
-Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump
-Denzel Washington as Alonzo Harris in “Training Day”
-Mark Wahlberg as Sgt. Dignam in "The Departed"
-Brad Pitt as Detective Mills in "Se7en"

Mike Tabor vs. The Oscars "Best Picture" Edition

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 20:12:00 +0000

Well another February is here and that means 2 things for this guy. Sadly, football season is over. (But I’m proud of my Ravens taking 3rd place in the NFL this year) Yet I’m always happy about Oscar season!! I know most people don’t usually get into the Oscars. Most of the movies don’t do great money wise because they aren’t usually films dedicated to a wide demographic. Most of the time the films are slow on action, heavy on dialogue.
Comedies, Horror films, and Comic book movies usually bring in the cash for Hollywood. The Oscars spit on those movies. (Because they usually suck, and they are geared towards retards with IQ’s less than 50). This year is no different. “The Dark Night” and “Ironman” both grossed more individually at the box office than the 5 nominees for best picture combined.
However, this year is different for me than other years at the Oscars. I usually agree with at least 3-4 of the Oscar nominated movies every year but I have to say this year I don’t agree with any of them, nor do I agree with much in regards to the Best actor/actress, and supporting actor/actress nominations. Last year I agreed with 4 out of the 5 (No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood, Juno, and Atonement) I feel the Academy got it wrong this year and in the next few paragraphs I’m going to first start with What the Academy picked, why they chose it, why I didn’t like it and what will win. After that I will rank my top 5 in that particular category and why. Hopefully some of you will enjoy. I’m basically just writing this because it’s really slow at work right now and I need something to keep my mind occupied so I don’t go nutty.

ACADEMY NOMINATED BEST PICTURE CATEGORY:
#1 (and likely the winner) “SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE”- Out of the five pictures nominated for best picture I would have to say this is by far the best. After watching it 3 times I can appreciate its brilliance more than I could upon my first viewing. It’s just such a unique idea for a film. An uneducated teenager from the slums of India goes on “Who wants to be a Millionaire” in attempts to be seen by the girl he has loved since childhood. After answering all the questions correctly except for one because they run out of time on the show, he is kidnapped and interrogated by police to find out how he cheated. To prove his innocence he begins telling the tale of his life in the ghetto and the life experiences that gave him the answers to the questions he was asked. This film is both heartbreaking and uplifting at the same time. It’s directed perfectly by Danny Boyle (Trainspotting) and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to see him take home Best Picture and a long overdue best director trophy.

#2 “THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON”- This film was ok. I think its main drawback is that it’s a bit gimmicky for an Oscar winner. It also tries too hard to be emotionally heavy where as the characters don’t convey enough feeling for the audience to really care about them. Nothing happens in this film, it’s a story of love lost in a very untraditional way, but other than that, it’s really just pointless. Brad Pitt does a decent job with a script that was lacking substance. I hope director David Fincher (Fight Club, Se7en) can get back to doing what he does best, and astound audiences rather than boring them to tears.

#3 “MILK”- Another year for the Oscars and another year to honor anything rainbow colored. It seems the Oscars have an affirmative action rule that must include at least one gay themed film every year, and at least one holocaust film. Well this one is going to be the token Gay Film. It’s the true story of Harvey Milk the first ever openly gay elected official in the history of the United States. I don’t mean to sound bitter because I’m not a homophobe, and this movie actually was pretty good. In fact I usually say that director Gus Van Zant is the most overrated director in Hollywood and this is the only time one of his movies lived up to my expectations. However, I have to give most of that credit to his cast rather than him. Emile Hersch, James Franco, and Josh Brolin provide some of the best supporting work of the year. Top all that off with the enigmatic Sean Penn playing the lead role and you have a recipe for success. It’s about time a movie was made about this guy. He was the Martin Luther King of the gay movement and when he is assassinated because of hatred you really feel for this man who just wanted to love.

#4 “THE READER”- As I said in the previous paragraph, affirmative action for a gay film and a holocaust film. This one is the Holocaust film. Even actress Kate Winslet joked when being interviewed for this film saying “Do a holocaust film, get nominated. It’s as simple as that” Not that she needs any help getting nominated. This fantastic actress is nominated every single year. In this film she is naked for I’d say a good 1/3 of the movie. She is having an affair with a high school boy that has no idea of her former work with the Nazi party. Unlike Ben Button, that felt too gimmicky for an Oscar. This film seems to have been deliberately created to win an Oscar. For that reason it comes off as desperate and pandering. The acting is marginal at best from everyone other than Winslet. Even when it comes to Winslet, she’s good but I’ve seen her much better in films like “Little Children” or “Revolutionary Road”. In my opinion this was the least enjoyable of the 5 nominated films. It’s worth a watch, but I recommend not watching it with parents. I’ve seen softcore porn on “Skinemax” with less full frontal nudity.

#5 “FROST/NIXON”- The Academy loves (director) Ron Howard for some reason. They glorify everything he does no matter how trite and tedious. I enjoyed “Beautiful Mind” but even that was so lacking on the true events that made up John Nash’s life I found it unbearable to watch a second time. I think in Frost/Nixon he was forced to be more factual than other films he has based on true stories because Nixon was such a huge public figure and more than half of the world’s population was alive during these interviews between the two men. This film was somewhat like “Milk” in that the movie itself isn’t astounding, but there are great performances from it’s actors, namely Frank Langella as Nixon, and supporting roles from Kevin Bacon and the always under-appreciated Sam Rockwell. Political junkies will sing the praises of this film, but if you’re not someone that turns on the news as soon as you get home, then you might want to forgo this movie.

MIKE TABOR’S NOMINATIONS FOR BEST PICTURE

#1 “GRAN TORINO”- I cannot believe how badly this movie got snubbed. As far as I know, it didn’t get a single nomination. Not only was it the best picture of the year, Clint Eastwood easily deserved at least a nomination, especially since this might be the last time we see this American Icon on the screen ever again. He plays a Korean War Veteran living in an Asian ghetto in Detroit. He’s as racist as they come and he seems to hate everything from his neighbors to his church, and even his own children. However, upon a chance encounter with the neighborhood whipping boy he becomes a kind of surrogate father and mentor to him and they develop one of the best on-screen friendships I’ve ever seen without having to reach too far into reality to find. Just about everyone I’ve talked to agreed that this film is far superior to anything they had seen from the Academy nominated films above. The Oscars just don’t have much of a sense of dark humor that Eastwood displays so effortlessly on screen.

#2 “IN BRUGES”- This is the one I will call easily the most under-seen, and under appreciated film of the year. Two Hit men played by Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell flee to Bruges (pronounced “Brooje”) after a particularly messy assassination by Farrell. The older of the two played by Gleeson (Mad-Eye Moody, for all you Pott-heads) Plays a gentle fatherly type to the hotheaded and pessimistic Farrell. This was easily the best acting I’ve ever seen by Colin Farrell. Maybe because this role he was finally able to play himself. A womanizing, drunken asshole that pokes fun of midgets right to their faces, he even berates some fat American tourists that are trying to climb the stairs to a tower for no reason other than to be a dick. Ralph Fiennes (Voldemort, for the Pott-Heads again) Is spectacular as the head mob boss. He swears like a sailor and threatens just about everyone he makes eye contact with, with a bullet to the head or a boot up the ass. A plot summary doesn’t do justice to a film such as this. When it’s funny, it’s better than any comedy of the year. When there is gunplay, it’s better than any action film of the year. It’s emotionally deep enough to keep on par with films such as “Gran Torino, Milk, and Revolutionary Road” In fact the more I write about this film, the more I’m realizing it’s the most well-rounded of any film this year.

#3 “REVOLUTIONARY ROAD” – This film had me drooling when I first heard about it. Leonardo Dicaprio (my 2nd favorite actor), Kate Winslet, and Michael Shannon (The most underrated actor in Hollywood) starring in the next Sam Mendes film (American Beauty). Are you serious??!! This was a dream come true. Imagine my shock when critics didn’t quite rave about it. In fact, they all seemed rather lukewarm about the whole package. Some critics that I respect downright hated it. It deterred me somewhat from watching it for a few days but then I just hunkered down and said “I have a job to do and that’s to watch every single movie on this list of the top 150 movies of 2008 so I did.” Not only did I enjoy this film after watching it, I absolutely loved it!! A 20 something couple living as drones during the 1950’s just watching as their lives pass by before their eyes begin getting restless. They grow to hate each other passionately but because of the era, things such as divorce and abortion, simply aren’t feasible. Maybe this film had such a profound affect on me because I know a couple exactly like this. The things they say and do to each other are nearly identical. I also am part of the reason for some of their marital issues so between my own personal guilt and my feelings for them there were at least 4 scenes that had me in tears. A very heavy drama.

#4 “DEFIANCE”- Yeah, I was surprised that it made this list too. Like Winslet says, “Make a holocaust movie, get a nomination”. Unfortunately, “The Reader” had already been given the slot for holocaust film so Defiance ends up being the child left behind. An extremely gritty, film starring Daniel Craig and Liev Scheiber as Jews livng in Poland during WWII. They have been forced from their homes by the Nazis and seen their family members killed by the barrel load. The story centers on 4 surviving brothers fending for themselves. However, day by day more and more survivors flee to the woods were they are hiding out until they form a woodland society of their own. Much internal conflict takes place as the 2 eldest brothers have different views as to their course of action. Daniel Craig wants to stay low key and keep people alive until the war ends, whereas Live Scheiber wants the group to join a Russian battalion fighting the nazi’s in the same forrest they are hiding in. Bonds of family are tested remarkably effectively. The suffrage faced by the survivors in extreme cold and hunger with no medicine and no reinforcements makes this true tale even more remarkable in retrospect.

#5 “SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE- What can I say, that I didn’t say in the top paragraph. This movie is a great achievement in directing, storytelling, acting, and it’s emotionally charged by one of the best movie romances of the past decade. Jamal and Latika are the new Kate and Leo, especially after seeing what happened to Kate and Leo’s post “Titanic” lives in “Revolutionary Road” Haha.

So that would be my list for best picture if I were on the academy board. Rounding out my top 10 would be.

#6 “Doubt”- Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Meryl Streep? Awesome!! And an unlikely Amy Adams stealing the show? The actors make this story work about a Priest suspected of molestation by a domineering head nun.

#7 Body of Lies- What can I say about this Ridley Scott epic? Leonardo Dicaprio once again dominates the screen, this time as an agent working undercover in Saudi Arabia. Russell Crowe is the mastermind calling the shots from the safety of his own home back in America and playing his own agents against enemies, allies and sometimes each other. The action isn’t over-the-top. It feels real not forced. The dialogue is amazing which isn’t surprising considering who the two lead actors are. Filmmakers will continue to take shots at the American government for unjust wars, manipulation of the public, and inside scandals. Usually those films come off as whiny overly liberal BS, but this one actually gets the message across without trying too hard.

#8 “The Wrestler”- Finally Director Darren Aronofsky has given audiences something watch able again. This is easily his best film since the 2000 masterpiece “Requiem for a Dream” that was robbed at the Oscars by the godawful and predictable Russell Crowe cockfest “Gladiator”. Mickey Rourke deserves to win the Oscar for his portrayal of fictional over the hill pro wrestler Randy “The Ram” Robinson. It’s heartbreaking, redeeming, and feels so real it could pass as a documentary.

#9 Forgetting Sarah Marshall- Yeah I’m not usually huge into comedies but this one was hilarious. I could watch it everyday.

#10 “Ironman”- My stigma that I attach to superhero movies all being terrible was shattered this year. Between this film and Dark Knight I was forced to eat my words. I think the reason I enjoyed this film so such was Robert Downey Jr. as a loveable Tony Stark. Spiderman is lame as Peter Parker, Superman is lame as Clark Kent, Batman is an absolute tool as Bruce Wayne. All of the X-Men and Fantastic Four crew can rot in hell as far as I’m concerned. The thing about Ironman, he’s the only character more entertaining in his day-to-day life than he is saving the world. His sarcasm and playboy demeanor is something that all superheroes could learn from. Kudos to John Favraeu for finally giving me a superhero movie that wasn’t going straight into my trash can after watching it.

Honorable mentions to “Changeling”, “Wall-E”, and “The Dark Knight”

Faulty Expectations

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 16:03:00 +0000

A song I wrote about a former relationship. I changed who I was to make someone else happy. I was miserable in turn. I wrote music for it too. Call me sometime I'll sing it for y'all.

FAULTY EXPECTATIONS

Verse 1:
I'm not a puppet, but with you it's like I have no choice
I might as well be a mute cuz when I speak it's not my fucking voice oh, oh
Every moment we're together it's a chore to coddle petty needs
My every want and desire is suspended second to your greed oh, oh
Your greed for attention, your greed to be right, your greed to have your way and my desire not to fight.
I act the way you want me to not out of love, I act like I do cuz when push comes to shove:

Chorus:
I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Maybe if I killed myself then you'd finally fucking see
oooh owww
That your expectations are fuckin pitiful to me
oooh owww
And I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww

Verse 2:
I could end it, but I'm too attached to leave
Years of working with you has left me hollow as an empty sleeve oh, oh
I was a very happy person til I met you then I was fooled
and I lost all my friends due to all your fucking stupid rules oh, oh
Your rules to be your servant, your rules to submit, your rules to control and make me feel like shit.
I act the way I do not because I want you near, I act the way you want me to because my only fear:

I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Maybe if I killed myself then you'd finally fucking see
oooh owww
That your expectations are fuckin pitiful to me
oooh owww
And I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww

Breakdown:
I'm not ready to die, no I'm not ready by far
I'm not ready to die, I can't wish on my scars
I'm in a prison I want out, but where do I go
I'm in this cage behind locked doors as my hatred grows
I don't want to hate you but you're leaving few windows
I'm beginning to play my hate against you like a Nintendo
This mask that I wear for you just cracked under pressure
I feel alive and found myself, my inner treasure...
BECAUSE!!

I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Maybe if I killed myself then you'd finally fucking see
oooh owww
That your expectations are fuckin pitiful to me
oooh owww
And I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww

(Bridge change, more intense drums, louder vocals)
But I'd rather be alive free of chains and live my life for me
oooh owww
I'd rather keep on living and have you just fucking leave me be
oooh owww
We will both be more happy when you open up your eyes and see
oooh owww
That we'd both rather die than live our lives as a fuckin' "we"
oooh owww
WE, OHHH WE, Ohhh Owww WE, OHHH WE!!!

The Crow Just Sits

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:24:00 +0000

I love metal music. I decided to take a break from poetry and try my hand at writing a truly dark and brooding metal song.

THE CROW JUST SITS

Verse 1:
Can you feel the cold?
The crow stares down with malice
Are you what you are told?
The crow invades my palace

Verse 2:
All that I aspire to be
I need to don latex masks
To be the man of your dreams
The crow of nightmares stares and asks

Chorus:
Needing and feeding on your soul I’m breeding
Painful distrust and the façade is bleeding
I have to be told that I will soon die
To avoid this true yet rhetorical lie
Lying for life as I lie for my death
Vengeance rings out through my ice-laden breath
I'm forcing what's not, to hinder my knowing
The crow just sits as my insanity's growing

Verse 3
The crow stares with content
As I squirm and claw my skin
But why should I conform and repent?
The human soul must embrace its sins

Needing and feeding on your soul I’m breeding
Painful distrust and the façade is bleeding
I have to be told that I will soon die
To avoid this true yet rhetorical lie
Lying for life as I lie for my death
Vengeance rings out through my ice-laden breath
I'm forcing what's not, to hinder my knowing
The crow just sits as my insanity's growing

Breakdown:
Fuck you! I never asked for your help,now accustomed, I need it more than life itself
So True!! I became a shell of me, and now my pity is a demon in the hell of me.
Why did I subject myself to you? How do you act so warm with skin so blue?
The crow will never get my forgiveness, it’s not like she wants it, so I’ll have to eat it!!…EAT IT!!!

2X
Needing and feeding on your soul I’m breeding
Painful distrust and the façade is bleeding
I have to be told that I will soon die
To avoid this true yet rhetorical lie
Lying for life as I lie for my death
Vengeance rings out through my ice-laden breath
Tearing apart primal visions of hate
The crow must be killed to acheive my fate

2X:
Needing and feeding my heart is still bleeding
Needing and seething my mind is still screaming
Outscheming the crow as she dies, now I'm leaving
Acheiving my fate as the shattered come pleading…Pleading!!

Election 2008

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:24:00 +0000

2008 Election results!! Congrats Michigan!! During this election I voted strictly based on a degree of moderate politics. I choose not to vote for a single republican or democrat. I voted strictly independant and although my votes may have been "wasted" on the politicians I pursued, I gotta say I was proud that my votes on both proposals passed.

Prop 1 was the bill to legalize medical marijuana. Many people say this bill will lead them to legalize marijuana outright, then open up a pandora's box that will allow other drugs to be legalized. I say, "so fuckin' what?" The decriminalization of street drugs would reduce violent crime by nearly 60%. I don't necessarily condone selling heroin and crack in your neighborhood supermarkets but I think by decriminalizing them you're giving the police an option to turn a blindeye and focus on the "Protect and Serve" slogan that they claim to uphold. Mandatory minimum sentences for drug possessions are purely a means to violate human rights.
By keeping drugs illegal we are giving criminals more power. Is little Johnny gonna drop out of school in the 10th grade to sell weed if he's not turning a ridiculously high profit? Probably not. If Marijuana was available at stores then he might as well be going to Sam's club and stocking up on Bubble Yum, because he's gonna have the same margin of profit. Right wingers try to make the point that legalizing drugs will create more addicts. I believe this to be false as well. I have studied countless hours on addiction, I myself am addicted to alcohol. I've spent a month in in-patient rehab, 2 years going to AA meetings, group therapy with alcohol counselors. The same fact remains within all of these circles. There is no higher percentage of people with chemical dependancy now than there was 10, 20, 50, or 100 years ago. 1 out of every 9 people are predisposed to addictive behavior whether it be to alcohol, cocaine, heroin, etc. And that's way it will remain. Legalization of drugs is safer for our communities, it's better for our economy, and it takes the power away from crime lords and and violent smugglers.
During the prohibition era, Al Capone was the richest and most powerful man on the planet and organized crime was at an all time high. After prohibition was relenquished, Capone was just another thug. Did our country go to hell in a handbasket during this period? No, in fact it's probably looked at as the golden age of our countries' history. We'll be just fine with legal pot and decriminalized hard drugs. If the government was really corcerned with people's safety on the issue of drugs, cigarettes would have been made illegal long ago.
Now as far as proposal 2 goes...I have been a staunch supporter of stem cell research for years. I voted yes on this proposal to further expand the research to find cures for many ailments. Mainly diabetes, because my dad has diabetes and I know it's something that will affect me years down the road. I will say however, if I was on the fence about this issue, I probably would have voted "No". They simply had a much better ad campaign on tv. I felt that the "Yes" supporters merely preyed on people's sympathies and did little to describe the facts of their proposal. Whereas the "No" crew did a very good job illustrating the higher taxes that could be enforced on Michigan's citizens, and went on to also describe the other avenues to stem cells that would exclude the usage of human embryos. They also avoided the hellfire and brimstone approach that I was almost positive would be the primary deterant of their ad campaign. One of the ads that did have me laughing was the one that showed all these huge corporations that would use this bill to begin human cloning, even though there is a stipultion within the ammendmant that denies any action of cloning.
Personally, I have nothing against cloning. Ask yourselves this, would the world really be any worse off if there were 2000 more Scarlett Johansson's walking the earth? Probably not. Boom!! Case closed. It would also help us answer the nature vs. nurture debate once and for all. But that is for another blog I will write in the near future.
Overall I have to say I was much more optimistic about this country, and our states' future after this election than I was in 2000 or 2004. I think Obama will do well for our economy and right now that's the main thing. I know that people get bent out of shape about all the small issues but if you look at the history of any country, after the economy is back on the rise, all those little things seem to fall into place.

The Return of the Nightmare Deer

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 16:38:00 +0000

September 2nd I posted a blog about a nightmare I had about a twisted and disfigured deer that I tried killing multiple times to no avail. It ended by just laying on the floor screaming and growling at me. This seemed to be the aftermath of an all-out drinkfest the previous weekend that resulted in me blacking out, drunk dialing people I respect, spending too much money, and just falling into the abyss that my life was in 3 years ago. I felt guilty and this was apparantley something in my subconscious. It used to be rather normal for me to drink until blackout status 3 or 4 times a week. However, I haven't been drinking liquor lately and by switching exclusively to beer and only drinking once a week during college football I was happy to be blackout free for the past 2 months. But last Saturday I regret to inform you that I found my limit in beer and suffered similar guilt-ridden feelings that resulted in the return of the deer on Sunday night. This blog also involves 4 dogs from my past that represented different parts of my life and I'm sure there is some symbolism there too.

Here's how the dream played out this time around. I was at my parents house in Williamston right behind the Middle School. I had 4 dogs with me. Cinder and Tiber who belonged to my parents, and Woody and Sammy who belonged to the neighbors I grew up next to in Byron when I was a child.
Sammy was the strangest dog within the dream. He was actually a dog I feared from the age of 3 to 6 or so in real life. He only stood about 18 inches off the ground and he was a mangy white and black mutt. However he made up for his small stature by being extremely mean. Everytime I needed to go down to the lake I had to walk past Sammy's house and everyday he'd growl and come at me full tilt nipping. I was too young at the age of 3 to 6 to just stand up to him so I'd always run away and sneak past him later. He was actually the only thing in the world I was afraid of at a young age. However, when I was 7 or so I began standing up to him and just ignoring him and he'd stop dead in his tracks if I didn't run away. It even got to the point were I could bend down, scratch his throat and he stopped barking at me soon after. I was probably about 12 when Sammy finally died, He was about 17 years old I would guess.
Woody was also a dog that belonged to those same neighbors. He was a purebred Golden Retreiver. He was my favorite wrestling buddy when I was growing up at the age of 8 to 11. He was much more rambunctious and active than the dog my parents had at the time. We would wrestle for hours in my backyard and during the emmergence of Street Fighter II he was great to have a around for pulling off karate moves while I was pretending. Woody had a screw loose in his brain though. For some reason everytime he got out when my other neighbors had their dogs outside he would run right at them and attack them. He gave one of them severe nerve damage, and almost killed the other. After being threatened by lawsuits my neighbors had no choice but to give Woody away to some people on a farm and he was never seen again. Sometimes I wonder if was given to a farm or euthanized. It may have just been a story to keep me from crying because I loved that dog more than the owners did.
Tiber was my favorite dog we ever owned. We got her in the summer of 1992, I was 12 at the time. She was a yellow lab with a dark reddish-gold coat. She had the coolest personality of any dog I've known. She didn't care what you thought of her and she knew she was superior to everyone. She was smart, cunning, and extremely agile. She was also a klepto and she made a habit of stealing all the neighborhood children's hats, shoes, food, etc. Tiber was recently put down this past February at the age of 15. It was a pretty hard pill for me to swallow because she had been the dog that always slept in my room and favored me to anyone else throughout my middle school and high school years.
Cinder is the only dog listed that is still alive, I was 21 when my parents got her but I'm still very close with her because I still lived with them when she was a puppy and I moved back into their house for 3 years between '04-'07. She is a black lab that is very loving toward her family but she is shy around strangers and won't hesitate to growl at other dogs that come up to her. She's about 8 now and she has been recently diagnosed with cancer this past Spring.
There, that's the backstory on the cast of characters. So anyway...I was taking them all for a walk behind the middle school in Williamston. None of them were on their leashes, I was letting them run free as I usually do with dogs. Tiber, Cinder, and Woody were all running up ahead sniffing the ground, being dogs, and peeing on stuff. But Sammy was hanging behind with me. Everytime I looked at Sammy he looked different. Sometimes he looked like the mangy little bastard I remember, other times he looked much more beutiful. His coat would turn different colors, his facial features would change and strangest of all, he was talking to me with the voice of David Letterman. We weren't talking about anything in particular just making small talk. Then after trotting up to the treeline of the woods that bordered the middle school soccer field, all the dogs returned to me and just sat there staring into my eyes. I asked them what was wrong but they just sat there and stared at me.
Then I heard a sound coming from the woods, it was the sound of a little girl crying and begging for help deep into the forrest. I tried to see into it, but "I couldn't see anything for the trees" which may have been a metaphor. Because I realized that is one of my personality traits earlier that night via a phonecall. I was terrified. I thought that some violent criminal may have been in there raping a girl at gunpoint or that maybe a girl was trapped by a bear. Either way, I was petrified with fear for a long time. Whatever it was I knew wasn't good. The dogs continued to stare at me, and I continued to debate whether I should go into the woods and face my fear or walk the other way back to the house and to safety. After a few minutes passed I knew that if a girl was found dead in the woods later in the week, I'd never forgive myself for turning a blindeye when I could have saved her. The dogs I had with me gave me the strength and confidence to finally make up my mind to enter the woods.
The trees and vegatation were thicker in the woods than they usually are in there, in fact it wasn't even the same woods at all. It felt more like a jungle with the prospect of unknown danger around every tree and twisitng trail. I had the dogs walk ahead of me for safety reasons I also wanted them to find where the location of the girl screaming . Sammy was in the lead, followed by Woody. Tiber and Cinder hung back a little with me. I saw a long sharp stick that I picked up to use as a weapon on the rapist I was confident I'd find.
We came to a large downward slope, looking down, there was a large patch of shubbery, trees, and vines surrounded by nothing but fallen leaves and it seemed there was a trail that went around in a circle around the patch of shubbery. There I saw what was making the terrible screams. It was huge grey deer the size of a moose trapped in the shubbery and vines and fighting to get out. I approached the deer to help it, and Sammy and Woody began running towards it barking Cinder and Tiber followed soon after. The deer became even more startled and broke through the vines and took off and ran out of sight. At this point I turned around and looked back on top of the hill that we walked down and there stood another deer just as massive with twisted antlers that came to menacing points. The deer charged toward me grunting and screaming, I had no mobility, I couldn't move my feet and I just leaned slightly to the left as it ran right past me and down to the right side of the looping trail were Tiber and Cinder were. The deer put its head down to gore my dogs as it ran the circle. I screamed out and cried for my poor dogs. Somehow the deer didn't make contact with them, or it went right through them. Either way my dogs were unharmed. The deer then circled around the loop and ran at me again, once more missing contact with me. Then it stood atop the hill and bellowed through the woods before turning around and running the other direction.
I was so happy that the deer hadn't hurt my dogs, I felt a such a feeling of relief it made me cry. I realized I didn't care what the deer did to me as long as it didn't hurt the dogs. I rounded the dogs up and we began to walk through a clearing in the woods to get get to the road that would take us home. Woody and Cinder wanted to go back the way we had come. Tiber wanted to go the way I was going. Sammy stood in one place as we walked. Soon Cinder and Woody came with me and Tiber. But Sammy just stood there. By the time we got to the road I called for him. He said "I can't believe we just saw the Grandfather Deer." I let the other dogs walk ahead and waited for Sammy to catch up to see what he meant by "Grandfather Deer". When he finally caught up with me his coat was a beautiful multi-colored fleece and he had the head of a purebred pitbull with a huge smile on his face. Before he could explain anything to me about the Grandfather Deer I woke up. I was pissed that I didn't hear what he had to say.
Why did the deer threaten me and my dogs with violence then let us be? Why would the deer charge us when we were trying to help his trapped brother? Why would my earliest memory of fear (Sammy) be a voice of reason in my dream, and why the shape- shifting? Why did the deer have the voice of a human child? Did the dogs represent loyalty or friends perhaps? I'll leave that stuff up to interpretation. I guess I'm just baffled as to why the last two times I've felt guilt-stricken about overdrinking I dream about deer.

The Day After...

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 15:38:00 +0000

Unseen is that which goes bump in the night
Intangible thoughts on this untamable fright
I sniff till I smell the odor of my failure
My mind in the grasp of this livid torn jailer
I look to the numbness that I need to cope
Put a smile on my face as if there is hope
But reality tells me that I'm wasting away
By the day I just stray from the reasons to stay
Still there it sits with an ominous presence
Taunting and mocking my pleads for some pleasance
I'm walking on eggshells trying to rest on my laurels
But it remains on my thoughts and it's bending my morals
I must stay in place like my feet have been planted
And wait for selfish needs to be disenchanted
There are moments of clarity in this tightrope act
And fact is, this act has no measure for tact
I am playing chess with my life thinking 5 steps ahead
Only if I don't win I'll most likely be dead
Or I'll be wishing for death and release from my pity
I never knew this would be both so great and so shitty

Mr. Neevers the Beaver Slayer

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 19:41:00 +0000

Hey here he comes, it's Mel Greevin Neevers
He owns 13 pelts made from 500 beavers
The most bloodthirsty trapper in the lower southwest
Killed his one and only son in a pie eating contest
He keeps mangling the skins with his bowie knife
Can't turn a profit to save his own damn life
He's always really wasteful, and he's covered with blood
Can't afford soap, so he washes in mud
This fucking guy without a pot to piss in
Was offered 3000 dollars to sit and listen
But he had no time to hear the sales pitch
Cuz he was wrasslin beavers in a drainage ditch
He killed 5 of em bastards with his sharp brown insisors
Severing corrodded arties and making blood geysers
The beavers fought back, he was getting ate like cake
The beavers were treating Ol' Mel like a Salisbury steak
He had to flee then bail on back to his village
To load up some supplies that he'd have to pillage
Held the shopkeep at gunpoint as he stole all the dyno
Stabbed the man with a horn like a albino rhino
Went back to the ditch and packed it with boom boom
Then lit the match and blew the beaves into a flamed mushroom
But he was blown to fuck too because he had to witness
His hatred of them beavers gave him lack of mental fitness
Legend says he was reborn as some blocks of wood
And beaver's continue to gnaw him, as they rightly should

"That's a story about Karma folks" Did I just blow your mind?

My Lost Red Sock

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:02:00 +0000

Rip tip tibbles, top shelf kibbles
Eating on lunch like Skip von Dribbles
Waxin that shoe like Ogenslarsh Larry
Munching on people that are overly hairy
Cannibals, Hannibals, creatures of fear
Are much less scary after 17 beers
Flyin through space is like sliding on trash
Both are really fun until the bonejarring crash
Lets skip town then set it on fire
Lets put some flames to the Discount Tire
Roast some marshmallows on Paul Bunyans' beard
Then fondle his cattle till it makes him feel weird
Babe the Blue Ox was a mythical beast
So lets all eat her in a mythical feast
Pass the chittlins and fetus gravy
Sailing in a gravyboat like the meat-soaked Navy
Shootin peas and beans and green-type biz
Avoiding them vegtables like a virgin avoids jizz
Especially on the floor because it stains
Tug the shit off with rope and chains
Graham cracker shennatigans and a dog's red cock
This has been a story about my lost red sock
What is the metaphor? Where is the keyword?
It's all right there in the acoustic "Freebird"
But that song sucks, it's not even metal's
But sometimes we settles for less distortion pedals
Some Tiger's have down syndrome, look at that pic
I bet he eats fruit snacks and publically plays with his dick
Sometimes I hate myself more than Hitler hates Jews
When I don't think things through and see what it do's.
But that's just life, we live and we learn
It's like blending oil and water in a butter churn

Alienated and Unforgiving, Last becomes First when the Dogs come Living

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 20:44:00 +0000

Alienated and unforgiving
Last becomes first when the dogs come living
Wanting satchel searching starve for the hunger of redemption
But looking at those reptile ashes is just too real to mention
Where was that man when wanted you to ride those trains of gravy
Not to be found was him in which green demons made him crazy
The eye is found in not the face but rather in the mind
Mountain slopes fuel shattered dreams cushioned by buds of kind
Channeling the Kurt Cobain is freeing at the time
But he is lost, and rock is dead, and I don't even have a "Dime"
Rivers flow on vodka proofs to further make us dumbing
Filthy bricks on raped landscapes is cause for greater numbing
Ripped and tattered human waste, hard hats and shit adornings
A rabbit howls into the night a consensus brutal warning
My realm is gone for now and ever, never to be redeemed
Dreams are dreams and hopes are dreams so I dream the real thing
Sewing closed the mouths to silence is no longer a pressing issue
I'm in your mouth, I'm puppeteering, no one will ever miss you
Ugly sounds and morbid visions haunting our housing mess
When last comes first and first comes last, the dogs will tear our flesh

--Tabor, October '08

Same Old Pacman

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 15:06:00 +0000

Some people just won't change. After multiple arrests due to drunken fights in strip clubs, possession of firearms, and other typical thuggish behavior. Pacman Jones was reluctantly reinstated into the NFL after having to miss the entire 2007 NFL season.

Even though Pacman has loads of talent as one of the finest CB's in the NFL, no teams were willing to take the risk of his distractions and demeanor...no teams but one. Enter the wily redneck bastard Jerry Jones and his stable of criminals and malcontent thugs otherwise known as the Dallas Cowboys.
Yeeee Hawwww!!

Other than the Oakland Raiders and their senile owner, Al Davis. The Cowboys and Jones seem to thrive on flash more than substance. Get the guys with big names, big stats, and a long history of screaming at coaches, teammates and long arrest records. Is it no wonder why the Dallas Cowboys haven’t won a playoff game in 12 years? Big statistics pale in comparison to team chemistry. This is FOOTBALL we are talking about. Otherwise known as the ultimate team sport. This isn’t a sport like basketball where one guy can dominate the entire game by himself. 22 players on on the field per snap in football, everyone has a specific job, and if you aren’t adhering to that system you should be benched. Because talent doesn’t make a bit of difference if you are out of your position and can’t do your job.

The New England Patriots haven’t been the best team in the NFL for the past decade because they spend big money to grab the headlining free agents. They never draft the high profile picks even if they have the opportunity to do so. In fact, they make a habit of trading down in the draft and scoring multiple less known players that will fit into their system. Usually these are guys with good heads on their shoulders that may lack breakaway speed or national hype. But it works. Dallas and Oakland on the other hand only view the short term. I respect their passion and “win right now!!” attitude but someone needs to step in and help these aging starfuckers.

Back to the Pacman situation, Jerry took at least some measures to prevent Pacman from falling back into his old habits. He employed 4 bodyguards (Babysitters) to keep an eye on Pacman at all times and make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. However old habits die hard and less than 7 weeks into the NFL season, Pacman already snapped yesterday and physically assaulted one of the bodyguards (babysitters) hired to help him. Of course, to hear it from Pacman’s interview with the media today, he says he’s a “victim” of racial profiling. Really? Is that honestly the excuse you’re going with? We are a month away from having a black president, and you live in a city that treats the Dallas Cowboys players like God’s amongst mortals and you’re gonna use the “racial profiling” excuse? Dude, you aren’t Arabic, you’re also surrounded by many other African-americans in the city of Dallas. Take some personal responsibility.

Another thing that has me laughing to myself is that all the Pacman supporters out there always said, “He’s worth the trouble because of his talent” All those supporters seem to be falling by the wayside now because through 6 weeks of football, Pacman hasn’t done anything. He has looked slow on the field, he has mishandled punt returns resulting in turnovers, he has been burnt by just about every wide receiver that has lined up across from him. He has even lost his jobs to 2 rookies. Felix Jones has replaced him on punt returns and Mike Jenkins has replaced him at CB. The only upside for him is that top CB, Terrance Newman will be out for a month or so with a sports hernia so they will need Pacman for Nickel and Dime packages. The best part of this whole mess is that the guy who replaced Pacman in Tennessee named Courtland Finnegan is looking like the best Cornerback in the NFL this year.
Through 4 seasons Pacman has 4 Interceptions total!! Courtland Finnegan had 4 inerceptions this year by week 3!! Score one for the Titans!!
Also history seems to be on Pacman’s side because Jerry Jones loves criminals. Since he’s been the team owner Jones has embraced dregs of the NFL and bad character guys like Michael Irvin, “Bullet” Bob Hayes, Deion Sanders, “Hollywood” Henderson, Keyshawn Johnson, Lance Rentzel, Leon Lett, Terrell Owens, and who can forget Nate Newton being arrested for 213 lbs. Of marijuana in his van. The following week when he was out on bail he got pulled over on interstate 45 with 125 lbs. of pot this time.
Duh!!
The landscape of football is changing Mr. Jones. Coaches are smarter, the talent pool is deeper, and team chemistry has proven to beat your flash and dash every year in the postseason. Get with the times, shed your tunnel vision, and for the love of god get rid of your lockerroom cancers... Or don’t, I could give a shit less if the Cowboys suck.

That Tabor Guy's Top 50 Films of All-Time

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:32:00 +0000

(Above Picture: Donnie and Frank take Gretchen to the movies)

I have always intensely enjoyed movies. I think my earliest memory was going to see Return of the Jedi in the theatre when I was 3 years old. A great film can always touch a spiritual cord in me that I can't get from day-to-day life or even football for that matter. I usually avoid blockbusters. (Movies that are created for making money rather than being genuine or creative.) I tend to lean towards movies that hinge on symbolism, tragedy, and the human condition. Most of the great movies that fit into this group for me have been created within the last 15 years or so. So that means you aren't gonna see many classics, musicals, or dumbass comedies from the 80's. I hope my readers will give this list a chance and perhaps give you some rental ideas for a rainy day. I recently had to expand this list to 52 in order to make room for the new additions from 2008 (Gran Torino and Revolutionary Road)

1.
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
starring: Naomi Watts, Laura Haring, Justin Theroux

Darker than any horror movie even though it's a drama. Every scene is so tense we always know that something wicked is brewing even though it can't be seen. Naomi Watts owes her carreer to this film. This movie is part dream, part nightmare, but the events that take place in the real life section of the story are the darkest of all. Metaphors and symbolism are strewn throughout so multiple viewings are nesscessary to truly grasp its genius.

2.
No Country for Old Men (2007)
starring: Josh Brolin, Javier Bardem, Tommy Lee Jones

A perfect blend of dialoge, violence, and symbolism. There is no question why this film cleaned up at the 2007 Oscar's. Anton Chigurgh is easily the greatest villain in film history, and his cat and mouse chase with Josh Brolin is phenominal. Many are turned off by its abrupt ending but I applaud it for being so bold and true to the novel. The Coen Brothers have made it impossible to top themselves after this masterpiece.

3.
Munich (2005)
starring: Eric Bana, Daniel Craig

The true story of the 1972 Israeli Olympic team that was kidnapped and eventually executed at the hands of a terrorist group named Black September. The story follows the aftermath of a 5 man Israeli assassination squad to hunt and kill the Palestinean leaders responsible. We never really know whether the main characters are doing good deeds or bad...and neither do they. The duality of man is the focus. Speilbergs best work, and definately his most controversial.

4.
Donnie Darko (2001)
starring: Jake Gylenhal, Jena Malone, Maggie Gylenhal, Patrick Swayze

Hard to explain, but that's what makes it work. I still find new twists with every viewing. Is it about time travel? Maybe it's about death and what happens after we die. Either way, Jake Gylenhal's troubled teen Donnie keeps us intrigued, entertained, and guessing way after the credits are done rolling. Gotta love the cheesy 80's soundtrack too.

5.
Magnolia (1999)
starring: Tom Cruise, Julianne Moore, John C. Reilly, Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Maybe the best ensemble cast ever assembled. The kaliedescope of characters and their insecurites power this movie. Trenmendous performances by John C. Reilly, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Julianne Moore, Tom Cruise, William H. Macy and basically everybody else involved. Paul Thomas Anderson first earned his noteriety for "Boogie Nights" and "There will be Blood" but "Magnolia" is the film that puts him in my highest regard.

6.
Pulp Fiction (1994)
starring: Bruce Willis, John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Samuel L. Jackson, Harvey Keitel

Stylish, gripping, sensual. An innovative masterwork from Quentin Tarantino. Filmakers still steal from this movie to this day. Perhaps the most influential movie of the last 20 years. A plot summary wouldn't do justice due to the fact that there are about 7 separate plots throughout the film.

7.
Bug (2007)
starring: Ashley Judd, Michael Shannon

Beautifully tragic. Desperation never felt more haunting. Odds are, if you didn't like this movie, then you didn't understand what it was really about. Meth addiction, codependant psychosis, and the clouded judgement that can occur when tragedy and lonliness are all that a person has left.

8.
American Beauty (1999)
starring: Kevin Spacey, Annette Benning, Chris Cooper, Thora Birch, Mena Suvari

"You're never too old to get it back" --Lester Burman. It's a great movie for people that find themselves in the rut of the daily grind. Also has a great sense of dark humor. I truly hope that director Sam Mendes is able to duplicate that type of suburban magic again. Winner of the Oscar for best picture in 1999 as well as many others.

9.
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
starring: Ellen Burstyn, Jared Leto, Jennifer Connelly, Marlon Wayons

What would have been just another drug movie was directed flawlessly by Darren Aronofsky to bump it up to masterpiece status. Also shows the parrellels of illegal drugs and perscription meds in the fact they are equally dangerous if not moderated properly. I still think it's a crime that Gladiator beat this movie in the Oscar's for best picture in 2000.

10.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
starring: Marilyn Burns, Gunnar Hansen

The original 1974 version is the greatest and most terrifying horror movie in american film history. Insane, brutal, and disturbing. Anyone that thinks the remake was better should have their movie viewing privledges revoked. The sequels all sucked ass, it's better to remember the original 3 crazies from this first installment before Tobe Hooper shit all over his legacy.

11.
Blood Diamond (2006)
starring: Leonardo Dicaprio, Jennifer Connelly, Dimjon Honsou

Leonardo Dicaprio's character Danny Archer has to be one of my favorite characters in any film. There is enough action to keep the plot moving at a breakneck pace. Dont let the film's title mislead you, although blood diamond's are shown as being corrupt on a certain level. Even more unsettling is the use of Africa's children stolen from their homes at a young age and being forced to kill entire villages of innocents.

12. Gran Torino (2008)
starring: Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood stars and directed this ghetto masterpiece. So often movies that take place in ghettos focus on the gangsters but this film takes that idea and flips it. Showing instead a man that has lived in Detroit since the 1940's in a predominantly white neighborhood but over the years has been transformed into a mostly Asian neighborhood. Eastwood's Walt Kowalski is rascist and onery and he doesn't care who knows it. However he finds friendship and peace in his life from some very unlikely people and his transformation isn't over the top with sentiment but subtle and realistic.

13.
The Godfather (1972)
starring: Al Pacino, Marlon Brando, Robert Duvall, James Caan, Diane Keaton

Best mafia movie ever. Michael Corleone as the reluctant son and his eventual rise to power. One of the most complex and layered characters to ever be put onto film. Out of Francis F. Copolla's many masterpieces, this one stands out at the best. Other great performances by the always great Robert Duval, Marlon Brando, Diane Keaton, and James Caan.

14.
21 Grams (2003)
starring: Naomi Watts, Sean Penn, Benicio Del Toro

Before Babel and after Amores Perros, Alejandro Innaritu peaked out with this out of sequence downer complete with a bravura performance by Naomi Watts who loses her husband and 2 little girls in one tragic accident.

15.
Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)
starring: Uma Thurman, Lucy Liu, David Carradine, Michael Madsen, Sonny Chiba

Most critics seem to like vol. 2 more, but vol. 1 had so much more to offer. Better cinematography, anime sequences, more fighting, and great original songs by the RZA. Everything about this film is first rate. Quentin Tarantino proves he can do more than the typical american crime flicks with guns and switches gears seemlessly to swordplay with a great sense of Japanese feel.

16.
Casino (1995)
starring: Robert Deniro, Joe Peschi, Sharon Stone, Don Rickles, Frank Vincent

Not quite as critically acclaimed as the Scorcese film that came before it, "Goodfellas". Perhaps because Joe Pesci's character seems nearly identical in both films. But I promise if this movie came out before Goodfellas this is the one that would go down as a better acheivement in film. My personal favorite of Martin Scorcese, perhaps the greatest American director in history.

17.
The Big Lebowski (1998)
starring: Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Julianne Moore, Steve Buschemi

Jeff Bridges slacker protagonist "The Dude" is one of the more memorable characters to ever grace the movie screen, not because he's a hero, more because of his loser qualities and indifference to everything. My favorite comedy by far!! Long live the Coen Brothers who consistantly prove they are more than a one trick pony and can do drama, action, comedy, or even the occasional arthouse flick.

18.
Juno (2007)
starring: Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, Olivia Thirlby

A unique and bubbly 16 year old girl played by Ellen Page has found out she's pregnant. All the baggage that comes with the pregnancy is explored through a modern viewpoint rather than the usual hellfire and brimstone approach. However, this films true power comes from the dialog and interaction between characters due to Diablo Cody's amazing screenplay. The soundtrack also creates a great atmosphere for the film.

19.
House of Sand and Fog (2003)
starring: Ben Kingsley, Jennifer Connelly

Depressing? Sure. But no movie better illustrates the price that can be paid when petty squabbles spiral out of control. Ben Kingsley and Jennifer Connelly have an unparalleled chemistry on screen as neither one will back down. They argue over who is the true owner of a small house in Pennsylvania. Tragedy insues, and it stays with you for a while especially because of Ben Kingsley's greatest performance to date, even better than his Oscar winning role in Ghandi.

20.
There Will Be Blood (2007)
starring: Daniel Day Lewis, Paul Dano

The most recent film from director Paul Thomas Anderson (Magnolia, Boogie Nights) is unlike any of his other films. It's dark and brooding both from the soundtrack and the ominous cinematography. The story focuses on an oil mogul that gets his start in the late 1800's named Daniel Plainview played flawlessly by the always spectacular Daniel Day Lewis. He draws the audience in with his underhanded politicking and desire to accumulate money no matter who he hurts or kills.

21.
Apocalypse Now (1979)
starring: Martin Sheen, Laurence Fishburne, Marlon Brando, Harrison Ford, Dennis Hopper

To me this was always more of a horror movie than a war movie. I think Copolla's point was to make war seem like horror. I've always thought Brando was ovverrated in this movie and Martin Sheen was overlooked. But the eery symbolism and madness captured by Francis Ford Copolla is what makes it a triumph.

22.
Se7en (1995)
starring: Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Gweneth Paltrow, Kevin Spacey

Best ending ever? Maybe. Plus ya gotta love the chemistry between hothead Brad Pitt and even-minded Morgan Freeman. The characters dominate the story so much that the plot seems secondary, and it's a hell of a plot. "What's in the box?"

23.
Grindhouse (2007)
starring: Rose McGowan, Kurt Russell, Freddy Rodriguez, Bruce Willis

A throwback to the exploitation double features from the 1970's that played in drive-thru movie theatres. Although it may not be fair to count this as one film considering it's actually 2 films with 5 trailers for false movies, I saw it at the theatre as one feature and I admit it was the most unique experience I've ever had at the cinema. I wasn't alive in the 70's but this feature made me feel like I had found a genuine time capsule.

24.
The Constant Gardener (2005)
starring: Rachel Weisz,
Politcally driven story with great characters. Rachel Weisz proves she's a force in Hollywood, picking up a best supporting actress trophy in the process. Perscription drug companies finally get exposed for some of their attrocities. Basically a pharmaseautical company is intentionaly infecting africans with strains of AIDS, Tuberculosus, as well as others and trying out their cures on them like lab rats so they can be FDA approved. The pace is slow, but effective.

25.
Raging Bull (1980)
starring: Robert Deniro, Joe Peschi, Frank Vincent

More than a boxing movie. Scorcese and Deniro team up once again to floor audiences with such a visceral portrait of Jake Lamotta that it leaves us breathless. A great fighter with more than his share of personal demons, Jake's life is a roller coaster ride that once it reaches its peak, begins to decline rapidly. One of the eeriest scenes in film history is when a 250+ pound Robert Deniro is reciting Marlon Brando's "contender" speech in front of a mirror, obviously punchdrunk.

26.
Halloween (2007)
starring: Sherri Moon Zombie, Danny Trejo, Daeg Faerch

This is the more recent Rob Zombie version. It pains me to put a remake onto this list because usually I'm anti-remake 100%, especially because I have such high regard for the original. But because Rob Zombie is a director that truly understands and loves horror films he doesn't disappoint. It sticks with the qualities that made the first so great but adding a back story of Michael as a child and his sessions in the asylum with a passion for making masks are magnificent.

27.
American History X (1998)
starring: Edward Norton, Edward Furlong, Charles S. Dutton

Few films have explored rascism in this depth. We have a chance to get inside the characters and see the perspective from every possible angle. Edward Norton shows us why he is a skinhead and speaks with such conviction that you start to feel for his cause. But in the 2nd half of the movie he moves us with equal passion back to tolerance and loving your neighbor. The ironic ending is tragic, however not necessary to get the point across.

28.
Lucky # Slevin (2006)
starring: Josh Hartnett, Lucy Liu, Bruce Willis, Ben Kingsley, Morgan Freeman, Stanley Tucci
Josh Hartnett plays Slevin Kelevra, a sharp tongued fella that seems to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He is being pulled in 2 seperate directions by the citiy's 2 biggest crime lords, one played by Morgan Freeman the other Ben Kingsley. Complete with a brutal and brilliant twist ending. Josh Hartnett proves he's more than a pretty boy and the depth of his character's smart-ass nature is contrasted toward the end with perfect malice.

29.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Alan Rickman, Richard Harris, Rupert Grint

Saw this movie before I read any of the books...I've been a "Pott-head ever since" Goblet of Fire is my favorite of the books, but the first movie installment is the most loyal. So far this is the only film on my list not rated R...weird? A great leadoff movie for one of the highest grossing franchises in history, by the time the 7th film comes out, my guess is that only the Star Wars 2 trilogies combined will have grossed more.

30.
Traffic (2000)
starring: Benicio Del Toro, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta Jones, Don Cheadle, Erika Christensen

The line of politics and family life are blurred in this dismal portrayal of the drug war. We are left feeling hopeless and more confused about what needs to be done about drugs in America, as well as the corrupt Mexican Drug Cartel but still eyeopening nonetheless. Traffic has an amazing ensemble cast featuring Benicio Del Toro, Don Cheadle, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and a breakout role for the young and talented Erica Christensen...who seems to have dropped off the map as of late

31.
The Departed (2006)
starring: Leonardo Dicaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Vera Farmiga.

Finally Scorcese gets his long deserved Best Picture and Best Director academy awards after being nominated what seems like every film he's done in the last 40 years. This movie is great, but it's not higher on my list strictly because it's a remake of a Japanese film called "Infernal Affairs". Therefore the creativity is second hand. But the plot is cool. A cop posing as a mobster vs. a mobster posing as a cop. The pace never relents.

32.
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
starring: Steve Buschemi, Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Michael Madsen

Quentin Tarantino's first and grittiest film. It's currently ranked the #1 Indie film of all time by most lists. Doesn't offer the same humor filled violence of his other films. This one is realistic, brutal, sadistic, and doesn't seem to stop being so until everyone is dead. Steve Buschemi and Harvey Keitel both provide their best roles to date.

33.
Revolutionary Road (2008)
Starring: Leonardo Dicaprio, Kate Winslet, Michael Shannon, Kathy Bates

Fans of marriage should steer clear of this one. The story centers on a young couple in the 1950's trying to be the perfect American family. They buy a house in a nice neighborhood with a picket fence and everything. They have two children but it doesn't take the audience too long to discover that their lives are merely a facade. Tremendous performances by Winslet, Dicaprio, and Shannon fuel this heart wrenching tale of people who get trapped in the rut of 50's culture when things like divorce, abortion, and mental disorders are judged with extreme predjudice. The director of this film, Sam Mendes (American Beauty) was criticized for this film for reasons I don't understand. Apparantly it wasn't subtle enough, but I thought the ferocious and passionate hatred the characters had for one another was the best part about it.

34.
Halloween (1978)
starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Pleasence
Probably the best slasher film of all time. A definate "cut" above the Friday the 13th series. Most people are still creeped out when they hear the soundtrack some 20+ years later. Not to mention the Captain Kirk mask spay painted white of the expressionless Michael Myers. Donald Pleasance as Dr. Loomis is the type of protagonist that every horror movie could use.

35.
Braveheart (1995)
starring: Mel Gibson, Brendan Gleeson
Yeah, it's official Mel Gibson is friggin' crazy! Has anyone ever noticed how every single movie he's directed has included some extremely depraved torture sequences? Nonetheless he's pretty good at his craft and the Oscar he won for Best Picture on this film is well deserved. Who cares how historically accurate it is? It keeps you enthralled for every second of the 3 hour feature.

36.
The Godfather Part II (1974)
starring: Al Pacino, Robert Duvall, Diane Keaton, Abe Vagoda
Considered by many better than the original. Possibly the greatest sequel ever made but still not better than the original in my opinion. Jumps from the 1930's with Al Pacino as the top dog in the criminal underground as well as flashbacks of his father making a name for himself in Sicily and his eventual trek to America. Michael having no choice but to kill his dim-witted brother Fredo is one of the most tragic events in film history.

37.
A History of Violence (2005)
Starring: Viggo Mortenson, Ed Harris, Maria Bello

Viggo Mortenson landed a great role for displaying he has range by literally changing his persona right before our eyes. In the beginning, his character is a mild mannered owner of a diner but as his past catches up with him and he accidently tastes blood again by saving a woman from killers we see him morph back into his former self leaving his family terrified of the man they thought they knew.

38.
Taxi Driver (1976)
starring: Robert Deniro, Harvey Keitel, Cybal Sheppard, Jodie Foster

Not too many films can influence a presidential assassination but this Scorcese movie was the the catalyst for John Hinkley's bullet into Ronald Reagan. Robert Deniro gives such a great performance of a guy that has been shit on by life, one too many times finally culminating in a bloody rampage across New York leaving pimps dead, politicians dead, and Deniro just plain crazy, covered in blood, and with a shaved head.

39.
The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
starring: Mark Hammill, Harrison Ford, Frank Oz, Carrie Fisher

The diamond of the 6 Star Wars films. We meet Yoda, We find out Luke is Vader's son, The Hoth battle is phenominal and best of all NO FUCKING EWOKS. Apparantley I went to the theatre to see this when it first came out, unfortunatley I couldn't see it because I was inside my mom's womb.

40.
Thirteen (2003)
starring: Evan Rachel Wood, Nikki Reed, Holly Hunter

Evan Rachel Wood breaks out in a big way in this unsettling tale of teen angst and the price of popularity. The range of her character is so wide. She starts off as a loving daughter and good student. But quickly descends into a monster that her mother and brother dont even recognize. She shoplifts, picks pockets, does drugs, sells drugs, has unprotected sex, and when she gets really depressed, she cuts herself .The fact that it's the true to life tale of co-star Nikki Reed adds to it's power

41.
In the Bedroom (2001)
starring: Tom Wilkenson, Sissy Spacek, Nick Stahl, Marisa Tomei

Nick Stahl plays a high school senior that falls in love with a divorcee played by Marisa Tomei. She has a child and an unstable ex-husband. When tragedy strikes and Stahl is killed, his parents are left coping with the loss of their only child. Sissy Spacek and Tom Wilkinson are so believeable in their roles you can't help but shed some tears. The ending is rather shocking for a slower movie like this, but it feels completely natural. It's the only way the audience wouldn't have felt jipped.

42.
Any Given Sunday (1999)
starring: Al Pacino, Cameron Diaz, Jamie Foxx, Lawrence Taylor, Dennis Quaid

I'm a huge fan of football, but normally I hate sports movies because they focus more on personal life than the sport itself. However this film focuses almost entirley on football. Even when we see the personal lives of the football players the story still seems to linger about the game itself. Al Pacino as the head coach is great, plus this was the breakout role for the future Best Actor winner, Jamie Foxx as the talented yet disillusioned starting QB that goes from 3rd string to starter.

43.
Being John Malkovich (1999)
starring: John Cusack, Cameron Diaz, Joan Cusack, John Malkovich, Catherine Keener

Charlie Kaufman is known for his overly strange screenplays and this one probably stands out as his strangest. John Cusack finds a portal in his office that lets him see life through the eyes of John Malkovich. It's like a drug and the more people he tells about it the more they want to stay inside Malkovich to escape their own boring lives. John Cusack's character is a puppeteer and after he realizes his only chance with the woman he loves is through Malkovich, he takes his body over with mixed results.

44.
Boogie Nights (1997)
starring: Mark Wahlberg, Julianne Moore, Burt Reynolds, John C. Reilly, Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Paul Thomas Anderson's first film. Mark Walberg gets his breakout role as a shy teenage kid that is recruited by the ultimate porn producer of the 70's played by Burt Reynolds. It's fun and fresh and never loses its true message of how empty and shallow the life of the pornstar truly is.

45.
Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
starring: Nick Cage, Elizebeth Shue

Nicolas Cage is a goofball, and usually he just picks any piece of shit script that comes to his house. But this particular role had me actually believing in him as an actor. He plays a man who is a hardcore alcoholic that decides to empty his saving account, move into a hotel in Vegas and proceed to drink himself to death. While there he befriends a prostitute played by Elizebeth Shue and continues to break our hearts with his own self destruction. Very Powerful film.

46.
Schindler's List (1993)
starring Liam Neeson,

Speilberg's holocaust epic that won him an Oscar. A man who is so unnerved by the Nazi's genocide that he risks his life and huge sums of money to get Jews out of the death camps and into a factory where they can be treated as humans again. Liam Neeson's performance is a tour de force, especially toward the end of the movie.

47.
Psycho (1960)
starring: Anthony Perkins

Considered by nearly every critic over 55 years old this is the greatest horror movie of all time. This film set the bar in the psychological horror rather than the saturarted market of monster films at the time. Thank you Alfred Hitchcock, every great horror movie of my lifetime has borrowed something from this film.

48.
Apocalypto (2006)
starring: a bunch of tribesman

Another Mel Gibson work. This film didn't get seen by many people because it came out less than a few months after Mel Gibson's anti-semetic drunken ramblings. But make no mistake, this was one of the top 5 films of 2006. Nevermind the subtitles and unfamiliar subject matter. A great history lesson of the Mayan culture and its downfall.

49.
Lord of War (2005)
starring: Nick Cage, Jared Leto

Nicolas Cage might not have been my first choice for the role of Yuri, but it seems to work for the most part. Arms dealers are exposed as well as the US government and their role of helping 3rd world countries continue their genocides. Once again Africa seems to be the main victim.

50.
Clerks (1994)
starring: Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith

Renegade filmaker Kevin Smith threw together this indie circuit gem for next to no money at all. Black and White cameras, no name actors, and absolutely no special effects made this a marvel in profit margin. In the process of making money, it also is one of the greatest cult classics of the 90's. The acting isn't that great but the conversations between Dante and Randall are some of the most shockingly funny conversations that true nerds as well as well as cool kids could all find the brilliance in.

51.
My Life Without Me (2002)
starring: Sarah Polley, Scott Speedman

Sarah Polley shines in this touching portrail of a woman who has never really lived her life for herself. Living in a trailer with 2 kids and a husband that spends more time unemployed than working, she gets a drastic change in the form of tragedy. After being diagnosed with a terminal illness she is told that she only has 2 months to live.She decides not to tell anyone, but rather make a list of things she wants to do before dying finally discovering a lust for life that she has never known. It's the best role for an actress I've ever seen.

52.
Memento (2001)
starring: Guy Pierce, Joe Pantaliano
Quentin Tarantino perfected the "out-of-sequence" storytelling with movies like Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction, but even he had to be in awe of Christopher Nolan's genius of filming the entire story backwards (the first scene of the film is actually the last event chronologically) The only way he is able to keep the audience guessing is to give the main character a rare type of amnesia that prevents him from remembering anything more than the last 5 minutes.

Derf Nosferatu

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 18:18:00 +0000

A poem I wrote about a handicapped vampire.

You thought you knew vampires, well look again
Derf Nosferatu always trips,and lands on his chin
Got punched in the ear, and blew out his drum
Equilibrium lost, and his feet went numb.
Since he's already dead, there's no chance of it healing
So he breaks into Red Cross and resorts to some stealing.
But more times than not, he stumbles and crashes
And gets beat the fuck down by anti-vampire fascists.
No one takes him serious enough for a stake through the heart
Just a few facial kicks and some jabs with a dart.
He used to be the "Alpha" in Transylvania
But he now gets less respect than the 2nd Wrestlemania.
He has avoided mild pains by dressing in Nerf
This stumbling has-been that all know as Derf.
To "derf" means to fall and land on your face
Just run away from him he wont try to chase
He fears humiliation more than he fears death
And if he were to run he'd look like a retard on meth.
He opts to sit in his castle to keep people from knowin'
Jacking off to pictures of the "goth queen" Rose Mcgowan.
He eats rats and bats and whatever he can trap.
Compared to human blood it all tastes like crap.
He keeps holding out for scientific advances.
So he can flirt with some jailbait at middle school dances.
But he'll never be badass, he'll never be scary
Just a dumbshit vampire, who acts like a fairy.

The state of Michigan: Marijuana and Stem Cell showdown

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 18:29:00 +0000

Ok so I've established that I'm neither voting for McCain nor Obama. I'll probably write Ron Paul in and hope that many other people do the same. The larger the percentage for a non republican or democrat, the better off we'll be. So if people like Paul, Nader, and Leiberman can successfully steal 15% or more votes from the 2 main parties I think we may finally have a shot to get some moderation and rational thought in Washington.
But enough of the presidential election. This blog is dedicated to the 2 proposals we are currently being told to vote on in the state of Michigan. I would like to shed some light on what voting yes or no on these proposals would mean for us and they are probably the two issues I feel the most strongly about.

Proposal 1 is referred to as the "Michigan Medical Marijuana Act" It would allow patients suffering from debilitating ailments such as cancer, glaucoma, HIV, AIDS, hepatitis C, MS to be granted the legal right to use and grow marijuana after being approved through the department of community health.
I am always amazed whenever I look at the death toll in the world from cigarrette related deaths in the millions and the marijuana death toll sitting strong at "0". Then realizing that marijuana is the one that we have deemed illegal. Scientists have been forced to run biased studies by the American government since the 60's to find proof that it is as dangerous as they say but the results have been so diluded that the arguments tend to fall flat. Marijuana is less deadly than most Americans diets. (and that's excluding fast food)
The real reason Marijuana is illegal in America has a great deal to do with the Mexican Drug Cartel and having a reason to pull over trucks full of Mexicans and send them back to Mexico. I guess this is a double edged sword for me considering I want America to take a harder stance against illegals but I also think Marijuana being criminalized is a travesty. I'm going to vote "Yes" on this proposal, not because I'm a pothead, but more because of common sense and less government control.

Prop 2 if voted yes upon, it would add an amendment to the constitution to expand the research endeavors for stem cells in Michigan. Stem cell usase has always been a passion of mine ever since I heard about them. I feel that they are the key to curing AIDS, Diabetes, Infertility, bad organs, etc. However the right to life crowd is against them mainly because of their old testament witch doctor mindset. They'd rather have human beings die painful deaths or live less than satisfactory lives than use human embryos that would be thrown in the trash regardless to help people. I mean the people who are opposed to this proposal call themselves the "Right to Lifers" but they are taking the right to life away from people that are dying.
I want to take this opportunity to reassure you that I'm not in favor of skinning babies alive, I simply think that if that little puddle of sperm and eggs can be a miracle for someone else, then it's better that we put that little puddle to use. If scientific advances find a way to turn that puddle of sperm and eggs into a living and breathing human being then I'd say that the Pro-lifers might actually have an argument. But if they are just going to be flushed down a toilet, then who's the pro-lifer now bitches?
The folks against this bill have also used bold-faced lies in their ads; saying that the Stem cell research would cost the state oodles of cash which is proposturus. If anything, this research will actually bring jobs to Michigan. The pro-life group publically admitted that they were full of shit and pulled the ad off the airwaves. This type of underhanded jibberish just shows how much they are lacking a logical leg to stand on. Once again illogical religious views are trying to trump cold hard facts.
Of course there is always the natural paranoia for some people in regards to human cloning and genetically altered mutant men, also the black market selling of human embryos for profit. Here's the ammendment in it's true form to hopefully put your worries to rest.
(1) Nothing in this section shall alter Michigan’s current prohibition on human cloning.

(2) To ensure that Michigan citizens have access to stem cell therapies and cures, and to ensure that physicians and researchers can conduct the most promising forms of medical research in this state, and that all such research is conducted safely and ethically, any research permitted under federal law on human embryos may be conducted in Michigan, subject to the requirements of federal law and only the following additional limitations and requirements:

(a) No stem cells may be taken from a human embryo more than fourteen days after cell division begins; provided, however, that time during which an embryo is frozen does not count against this fourteen day limit.

(b) The human embryos were created for the purpose of fertility treatment and, with voluntary and informed consent, documented in writing, the person seeking fertility treatment chose to donate the embryos for research; and

i. the embryos were in excess of the clinical need of the person seeking the fertility treatment and would otherwise be discarded unless they are used for research; or

ii. the embryos were not suitable for implantation and would otherwise be discarded unless they are used for research.

So there ya have it, a little bit of info on the proposals. It's a no-brainer for me to vote "YES" on both props. I'm not saying that you have no brain if you vote "NO" on either one of them...but it does make you stupid. Face!!!

So sick of politics.

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 17:37:00 +0000

Am I the only one that doesn't give a shit about this election? What's the point of democracy anyway? As long as we still have the electoral college, democracy doesn't fucking exsist!! The most votes don't win automatically. Look it up bitches.

Secondly, we never have a candidate worth voting for. Obama or McCain? Who gives a cock? They both have less integrity than the turkey sandwich I just ate. These two cheese-dicks kiss so much corporate ass and special interest groups asses it's sickening. By the time they are elected, they are already millions of dollars in the hole to all the corporations that helped get them elected. Therefore the needs of the people, or "mob" as we are referred to in the constitution get thrown on the backburner and forgotten. That's just politics I suppose. The most qualified people never get into office, because it's a money game. People like McCain, Obama, Hil-dog Clinton, and Mit Romney get all the money for their pandering and cock stroking of the money makers. "Big Oil, pharmeceutical drugs, NRA, pro-life, pro-choice groups." Corporations unfortunately come first in politics. People with integrity like Ron Paul and Ralph Nader tell the corporations to go fuck themselves. Therefore, even though they would be better for our country, they don't have the cash machine backing them.

We need to trash the 2 party system if we want America to be great again. Republicans and Democrats will continue to run this country into the ground with their back room dealings with the companies that are keeping americans from the life that their ancestors fought for. Stop sending me mail for Obama or McCain. Voting for a republican or a democrat is the same as saying that you hate your country. Lets get some balance and logical thought back in the American political landscape.

Vote independant, or vote with your heart, vote for your needs and your families needs. Don't simply vote for the same party you've been voting for your entire life without even hearing the issues first.

That Tabor Guy's 2008 NFL Predictions

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:50:00 +0000

Just like last Thursday was opening day of college football, this Thursday is opening day of the NFL regular season. Giants vs. Redskins play tonight and it should be a good one. But rather than talk about 1 game, That Tabor Guy is here to lay down his opinions as well as some facts on the entire NFL. This is my favorite time of the year and I'd be happy to debate my opinions with anyone. First, we’ll start with playoff predictions....

AFC Division winners:
East- New England Patriots
North- Pittsburgh Steelers
South- Jacksonville Jaguars
West- San Diego Chargers

Wild Cards- Indianapolis Colts, Buffalo Bills

NFC Division Winners
East- Dallas Cowboys
North- Green Bay Packers
South- New Orleans Saints
West- Seattle Seahawks

Wild Cards: New York Giants, Arizona Cardinals

Why?
1. New England is still the class of the AFC East. However the gap is closing and New England’s roster is in their 30’s for the most part. It was starting to show in the secondary and LB corps in the playoffs last year. Luckily for them they've signed some young talent in the offseason so there's still gas in the tank come the 4th quarter.

2. Bills and Jets have massively improved their rosters to help close that gap. Yes, the Jets signed Favre…but honestly he might not even be their biggest acquisition. They also signed Pro-bowlers Alan Faneca, Damien Woody, and Kris Jenkins in free agency as well as landing 2 first round draft picks that will be immediate starters Vernon Gholston and Dustin Keller. The only problem with the Jets is that their Coach Eric Man”gina” is a giant pussy and also a little cry baby bitch. This will filter down causing girlish behavior in all of his players. (It’s true, look it up!!) The Bills however are a tough, hardnosed team that only gets tougher every year. They have had the best drafts of any team in the NFL if you combine the last 3 years together. (Marshawn Lynch, Trent Edwards, Paul Pozluzny, Leodis McKelvin, James Hardy, and Donte Whitner) As well as signing defensive monsters Marcus Stroud and Kawika Mitchell in the offseason. The Dolphins are in rebuild mode and due to their lack of experience on both sides of the ball, I wouldn't expect much more than a 3-13 season out of them this year. However they are making the right moves and expect them to be a legit team in 2 years time.

3. AFC North is a tough pick. Because every team has glaring weaknesses as well as glaring strengths. Pittsburgh has a horrible offensive line but they seem to be the most well rounded everywhere else. Ravens have issues all over the offense (McGahee’s knee, the QB situation, the departure of Ogden, lack of play makers at WR) I love my Ravens, but I’m not holding my breath. Cincinati is in disarray and have been for a while. No defense, egos, and lack of running game will all play roles in leading them to a 4-12 season or lower. Carson Palmer is no longer a premiere QB and Chad Ocho Cinco is no longer a premiere WR. If RB Chris Perry can stay healthy look for him to have a long awaited breakout season. But outside of that, the Bungles are doomed.

And the final team, the Brownies!!
4. DON’T BUY INTO THE BROWNS HYPE!! They have the worst secondary in the entire NFL. There isn’t a single QB in the NFL that couldn’t rattle off a 400 yard passing game on those chumps. The 10-6 record last year was a fluke, expect them to take a back slide this season. Jamal Lewis won’t run like last year, Derek Anderson won’t pass like last year, Kellen Winslow Jr. isn’t as good as people give him credit for. Donte Stallworth isn’t really that big of an acquisition. They didn’t get anyone in the draft. Shaun Rogers is fat, slow, and couldn’t even make the cut in Detroit. Braylan Edwards is amazing!! But he’s about it.

5. Yeah that’s right I picked the Jags over the Colts in the South. Colts top 4 players (Manning, Sanders, Freeney, and Harrison) are all coming off offseason serius surgeries. Their age is beginning to show on both sides of the roster and they are getting cocky drafting 3 centers in their first 4 draft picks. Whereas the jags are young and hungry. Every year they pick up steam and I look for them to have the most devastating pass rush in the entire AFC this year. As well as the most effective ground attack with MJD and F. Taylor pounding the rock. Garrard doesn’t make the critical mistakes and he has matured a lot over the last couple seasons. Expect the Texans and Titans to have brilliant performances on defense but there are way too many question marks on their respective offenses to warrant much of a threat. Most noteably the Texans RB’s and the Titan’s WRs. However the Titans have made the playoffs with worse rosters and I can't count out Jeff Fisher's ability to maximize his talent.

6. San Diego is the obvious pick in a lackluster division. They are solid in all facets of the roster. They seem to have the Colts number, thumping them twice last season and making it to the AFC Championship game. Much depends on the health of Shawne Merriman’s knee and Ladanian Tomlinson’s vagina. I think the Raiders are probably the second best team in this division although it’s a distant second. They have improved everywhere except for O-line (which will once again be their downfall) But their secondary is amazing. With Asomugha and Deangelo Hall at CB they easily have the most dominant secondary in the NFL. Look for them to make the playoffs not this year, but the next year. Broncos have too many issues on defense. Last place in the NFL last year against the run and they didn’t do anything to improve it. Their once great secondary is also lagging. They lost Foxworth and John Lynch and the once feared duo of Champ Bailey and Dre Bly started to show their 30+ age last year.
Cheifs are the other team in here but they aren’t worth mentioning because they are easily the worst team in the AFC

7. The NFC East looks like it belongs to the Cowboys on paper. In fact the Cowboys look more like a pro bowl team than a legit NFL team. However that’s on paper. Will the chemistry be there? Will Romo choke in the clutch as usual? Will TO be as forgiving? Will PacMan stay out of trouble? I think they’ll be fine in the reg. Season but the playoffs are a different story. The Giants looked to be poised to make a run at a repeat championship. But in my opinion their best player is Osi Umenyiura, and he’s out for the season with a knee injury. This is devastating but their roster is deep enough to still make a playoff run. Plus they made some excellent moves in the draft. Adressing all of their key losses. The Redskins are a team in transition. Look for one of the most run-heavy offenses of the past 3 years to take a completely new approach and pass the ball close to 70% of the time. The whole success of the squad rests squarely on the shoulders of QB Jason Campbell who has improved in the past 3 seasons and needs to take that final step under Jim Zorn. They provided him with a plethora of passing targets in the draft, taking 2 WR’s and a TE with their top 3 picks. Defensively they are solid, but not great. Especially if Jason Taylor can’t get healthy. Philly will be the odd men out in this division once again. Injuries plague this team every season and I’m doubtful if this year will be any different. Signing Asante Samuel might have been smart. But we’ll soon see if he truly was a top CB in the NFL or if he was just a polished turd that flourished in New England like so many other mediocre talents. Desean Jackson is the wild card on this team. Selected in the second round at WR and KR this kid has speed on speed. He had a stellar preseason and if he can stay healthy with his tiny 170 lb frame, he could be the game breaker that the Eagles have lacked ever since TO left.

8. NFC North has changed. For the first time in 16 years Brett Favre wont be QB of the Packers. But they are solid everywhere else. Even if Aaron Rogers only averages a 80.0 passer rating (158.3 being perfect) the Pack has enough talent that they could skate through the division. The only competiton will be from the Vikings, and their QB situation right now is shaky at best. Their defense is scary but I’m not sure if it’s enough to make up for 4 INT’s per game. Expect the Lions to start with a 5-3 record but to finish the season around 6-10 because the first half is cream puffs on their schedule but the 2nd half is brutal. They lack defensive consistency however they have improved a bit from last season as far as personal is concerened adding Leigh Bodden and Brian Kelly to their weak-ass secondary. Look for the same solid passing ame on offense and a much improved running attack punctuated by rookie Kevin Smith and verteran arrival Rudi Johnson. The Bears are just the opposite. The very definition of stability on defense but perhaps the most sorry offense I’ve ever seen. It was considered a terrible offense when they went to the superbowl 2 years ago, and since then they've lost their top 2 runningbacks and top 3 wide receivers. Hopefully the defense and special teams whiz kid Devin Hester can provide some great moment for the Bears faithful, but I wouldn't hold my breath for a playoff birth.

9. NFC South is a relatively easy pick for me. Saints are definately gonna be the team to beat regardless of what the Panthers and Bucs fans will tell you. Saints have added so much defense to finally compliment that fantastic offense led by Brees. The Saints moved up in the draft to snag Sedrick Ellis, one of the top DT prespects in recent memory as well as CB Tracy Porter early in the second round.. They also added folks like Jonathan Vilma and Randall Gay to give a boost to all 3 facets of their defense. The Panthers could be a scary team if it weren't for Jake Delhomme's constant injuries. Also the once most feared defensive front 4 in the NFL has been completely disbanded. Kris Jenkins, Mike Rucker, and that other guy are all gone. Now only Julius Peppers remains, and he's coming off the most piss poor season of his carreer. But luckily for them they have a new leader on defense in second year MLB Jonathan Beason. Beason is just the latest in the long line of dominant Middle Linebackers from the university of Miami. If it weren't for Patrick Willis' unreal rookie season last year, Beason would have snatched defensive rookie of the year honors hands down. Also look out for Rookie RB Jonathan Stewart. The Bucs were lucky to get into the playoffs last year, and they'll be even luckier if they sneak in this year. Good defense, but once again no balance on offense. Falcons don't warrant much mention. They are in full on rebuild mode, new coach, new qb, new dirty birds Expect them to finish near the bottom of the NFL. Matt Ryan may turn out to be good in the long run, but this team has let go of probowlers left and right over the last few years leaving them with no names on defense or offense.

10.NFC West: Seahawks have owned this pitiful piece of NFL real estate ever since they moved from the AFC West. The Rams, 49ers, and Cards seem to be in a permanant slumber with no aspirations to ever reach the playoffs. Hawks are also playing for their coach Mike Holmgren who has already announced he is retiring at the end of this season. Cards could however be a surprise team to many. Most folks don't realize that they were 8-8 last year and that Kurt Warner threw 27 TD's in the 13 games that he started in. With that WR core it would be pretty easy, it's the best in the NFL. What has surprised me is how they've quietly built that defense into something great. The secondary holds 3 first rounders and their defensive line is a rock. Combine that with the fact that they are in the weakest conference in the league, and you've got the recipe for a surprise playoff run. The 49ers and Rams are both in disarray, may god have mercy on their souls. I expect the coaches of these two teams on the hot seat. If Mike Nolan or Scott Linehan can't build upon their pitiful past seasons expect them to get the boot.

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It's time for OFFENSIVE ROOKIES OF THE YEAR!! (prospectively)
1. Jonathan Stewart: RB- Carolina Panthers. Size, Speed, Vision and a coach 100% dedicated to the run make Stewart a sure fire factor.

2.Desean Jackson- WR- Philly Eags- Blistering speed, tremendous preseason, returns kicks and punts. Also the Eagles lack of any playmaking WR's already puts Jackson #1 on their depth chart and guarantees plenty of touches.

3.Chris Johnson- RB- Tennessee Titans. Johnson ran the fastest 40 time in the history of the NFL combine (4.22) He doesn't have to be very good to take the starting role away from Lendale White. He also will get extra votes due to returning kicks. Titans have a solid O-line and like to pound the rock. Great vision for a scat back.

4. Darren McFadden-RB-Oakland Raiders- I didn't even really want to put him on this list but his physical attributes force me to. The guy is a physical marvel running one of the fastest 40 times at the combine as well as throwing up quite a few reps on the bench press. But god given abilty isn't enough in football. I'm not sure if he has the head for this game. He doesn't have the best vision, he seems to always run into the backs of his blockers. He's also had the most fumbles in the nation over the past 4 years in the NCAA. He's also going to be splitting carries with Justin Fargas and Michael Bush which will make him seem less valuable to his team in the eyes of voters. Couple that with his poor Offensive line and we might have a "Bust" on our hands. I hope he can be successful, I've always loved him in college. I just don't know if it's gonna be 1st year success.

DEFENSIVE ROOKIES OF THE YEAR!!!
1. Jerod Mayo- MLB/OLB- New England Patriots- Stud MLB has won rookie of the year past 2 seasons. Will be playing on a great defense, amazing instincts, will be extremely well coached. Great defensive line will take on blockers allowing Mayo to come clean at the ball carrier.

2. Leodis McKelvin- CB- Buffalo Bills- Instant starter, best CB prospect in the deepest CB class in the history of the draft. Also returns kicks and punts. Phenomenal preseason.

3.Derrick Harvey-DE-Jacksonville Jaguars. Great motor, speed in droves, singlehandedly won the national championship for the gators two years ago. Pro-style body already, look for immedite sack increase for Jacksonville.

4. Vernon Gholston- OLB/DE New York Jets-- Gholston is a freak of nature. Stronger than an offensive tackle with the speed of a safety. Absolutely dominated Jake Long the 1st overall pick from Michigan when they lined up across from each other last season. Intimidates anyone when he's in the zone but only downfall is that he sometimes takes plays off. If he isn't a pro bowler at the end of the year it will be due to mental reasons rather than physical.

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AFC Championship game
Patriots 23 Jaguars 16

NFC Chamionship game
Saints 31 Cowboys 28

Superbowl
Patriots 40 Saints 14

So there ya go folks feel free to comment right on the bulletin I'll respond.

The Deer of my Nightmares

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 20:04:00 +0000

Normally I don't pay much attention to dreams. Sometimes I have a terrible dream about hurting someone I love, but then I wake up and I'm just thankful that it was merely a dream. On the flipside of that coin sometimes I'm having a dream that I won the lottery or that I'm married to Keira Knightley, then waking up is met with disappointment when I look around at my mediocre bedroom, in my mediocre apartment. However last night was an exception. I've never had a dream that felt more real, symbolic, and relevant to me. However there are a few aspects that had me scratching my head until I really got critical with myself.

Here's the dream:
I'm hanging out with my friend Weston, he and I are former friends from work and we don't see each other all that often but he and I are driving down a dirt road near where i grew up. (Bird rd. for all my buddies from Byron) I'm in the passenger seat looking out to the left of the car. I see a open corn field that has already been harvested along with hundreds of deer just standing there looking at us. The day is cloudy and cold. There are also about 5 hunters pointing guns toward the deer with their backs to us. I see one of the hunters shoot a deer right through the heart. The blood is instantly spreading over it's entire chest. As it goes down, myself and Weston walk over to the animal along with the hunter, who I figure out is my friend Scott (who actually grew up on Bird Rd.). As we approach the downed deer it jumps up and starts attacking Gibbs with its hooves and gnashing it's teeth at him. Myself and Weston think it's funny for a while but after Scott gets hit in the head a couple times with the hooves it's obvious that he's in trouble. I run up to the deer and kick it in the side to distract it long enough for Scott to get away. But the Deer now turns on me and begins charging with the same type of attacks. I go into a defensive stance covering my face and head to avoid a skull splitting hoof attack. After I realize nobody is going to come to my aid I lash out blindly and catch the animal with with a right hook to the chops putting the animal down on the ground then I jump on its back and snap the animals neck hard to the right until I feel the bones in its neck crack. I collapse afterward. (I'm not a hunter and I don't hurt animals so I was pretty depressed about having to provide the mercy kill.) Right when I think it's time to leave the deer begins to rise up again groaning all the while and staring into my eyes. I jump on it once more, this time twisting the animals head hard in the opposite direction until I hear the same sickening sound. Myself and Weston get back in the car and decide we're going to the bar....Then I black out within my own dream. I have no recollection of the bar but I wake up in a house. (I think it's supposed to be my parents house, even though it looks nothing like their house) Myself and Weston are asleep in a room in a basement. We are in two seperate beds and when I wake I ask him what happened. He recalls in detail the whole situation with the deer. I'm pretty sad at this point because i was hoping that it was only a dream but unfortunately I still have blood all over me. My dad comes into the room and he says something in a very mean tone, I forget what it was exactly but my mom is also extremely mad at me. (If you know my parents, you realize how uncharacteristic this would be for them) I walk out of the room and into another area of the basement, I'm a little taken aback when I see my parents, aunts and uncles, friends and cousins all sitting in this closed-in room with one window and no doors. It's an intervention and they want me to stop drinking. People cry and tell me how much they love me and whatnot. A few of my friends can't even make it through the inervention because it's too painful for them. Right before my Grandma begins to talk, I hear a scratching at the window behind me. I turn around and it's the deer from the previous day. It's still bloody and mad. It's back legs no longer work and it drags its body through the window and lands on the carpeting it moves in grotesque jerking motions it's face is angry and it's making noises too horrible for words. I look down with pity at this broken animal as it's dead legs trail behind it. I look around for some kind of support but everyone that was in the room is gone. The room has no doors so I am stranded with this animal. I fall to my knees and just begin crying my eyes out. Then my alarm goes off and I wake up for real this time. My pillow is covered with tears and my nose is running.
The End. Pretty weird eh?

For the past 9 months I've done a lot to control my drinking. I rarely get sloshed anymore. It's more of a casual thing to pound some beers while playing Madden online or watching some football. I don't mess with liquor anymore at all!! But after this dream I must still must be harboring alot of guilt over the fact that I still drink at all. It has cost me so much already, friends, jobs, respect, girlfriends. Alcoholism is a "progressive disease" that only grows stronger over time. Maybe I've convinced myself that the worst is over but subconsciously I know it's not true as long as I continue to drink. Just because I haven't had any legal troubles or lost any jobs in the last 3 years I think I have my disease beat. Obviously this dream suggests otherwise. Here's why...

The details that I haven't released yet further prove my thesis.

1. Although Weston and I are far from "best friends" he is a guy that I've always had alot of respect for. The last time I saw him was 2 years ago at a bar in Williamston the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Apparantley he offered me ride back to my parents house that night so I wouldn't have to walk through town hammered. When I tried to get into the car the door was locked but I pulled so hard with my drunken "retard" strength on the door handle that I ripped it off. I had no recollection of this for the last 2 years until he showed up at my mom's bank. He ask her how I was doing and then told the story about his door handle. My mom relayed the message to me later that day. She said he was laughing about it, but it still made me sick to my stomach to do something like that to a friend trying to do me a favor.

2.Scott was always a great friend growing up in Byron. We went to elementary and middle school together and we also met back up in our college years and worked at the same OfficeMax for 3 years or so. However in 2005 the year the shit hit the fan and I went on constant benders and other fun such self-destructive excursions. All my former friends from OfficeMax took notice and started treating me as a distant friend that they might respond to over phone or e-mail but never really wanted alot to do with me in person. Maybe the Deer attacking him was a way of showing my addiction causing harm to a friend. And when I kicked the deer to distract it, was a metaphor for taking the brunt of my addiction on my own shoulders and giving up on the notion that me and Scott were ever gonna be friends again. Letting my addiction hurt me to protect my friends from destructive behavior. That's when I started flying solo on drinking outings and avoiding other people for a few months in that span of time.

3.Bird Road was where Gibbs lived but also another childhood friend named Travis Bogart. Travis died our senior year in a car accident on that very road. I still haven't gotten a 100% true account of whether drinking was involved. Some people say yes, some people say no. Either way I think drinking was once again the central reason that the dream took place here.

4. I've done research online today about what a deer represents in a dream. The "experts" say it has something to do with feminine aspects of ones personality, a representation of grace and beauty, and also that killing a deer in a dream is a way of supressing the feminine aspects of your personality. Well I do alot to put on a tough front with my death metal and football. So I guess I can see some relevance. However the more i think about the central aspect of the dream (drinking) I think it represents my addition to alcohol. Gibbs shooting the deer was the manifestation of him turning his back on me in a sense to try to help me get help. As I said before then I took on the deer solo for a while and tried to squash it. It got in some good shots on me first a couple hooves to the head (Jail, Court, Loss of friends) So I tried to kill it twisting it's neck. (That was when I went to rehab and AA.) But it lived (relapse) so I tried killing it again. I went back to AA and other forms of alcohol couseling. I thought I had it under control so I went back to the bar. After smooth sailing for a while, I made an idiot out of myself at my friend Bob's birthday party last January I was pulled aside and given a quick intervention in his garage by my buddy Andy, his wife Crystal, and Bob himself. I vowed not to drink again and it lasted for a while until my favorite dog Tiber was put down in March due to old age mainly. I relapsed again and never really looked back. The intervention in the dream represented probably all the interventions that I have been given either formally or unformal in the last 5 years. When I turned my back on my loved ones to see the deer scratching at the window I believe that was a metaphor for turning my back on my loved ones and giving in once again to alcohol. The obvious outcome was that all my friends and family will be gone if I continue to give in to this ugly monster. The deer is crippled, shot, beaten. But unkillable. My addiction is something that will always be with me. Although it may be weak right now with my trying to limit my intake of alcohol, I will never be fully rid of this thing. The deer grows stronger the longer I allow it to live inside my room. I will be left with nothing but an empty room and my addiction...And I don't think that deer likes me too much anymore.

Top 10 greatest Actress Roles

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 22:27:00 +0000

Most of you who know me know that I am a huge fan of film. I've seen just about everything ever made. Even though I usually avoid, romantic comedies, parodies, and remakes at all costs. Myself and some friends were talking about some of our favorite characters in movies of all time. I was able to compile a list of my top 10 favorite roles for actresses in film as well as a top 10 for actors. A common theme for these roles is that none of them take place in the future or are sci-fi films. Every single one of these roles is realistic and could happen in real life. The strength of the characters and their interactions with one another is the fuel that drives these films. Robots, Ghosts, Monsters, and High-speed chases need not apply to movies that are carried on the backs of capable actors.

ACTRESS COUNTDOWN

10. ELLEN PAGE-"JUNO"- Somehow Ellen was able to take a screenplay that was a mish mash of crazy dialogue and make it her own. In the process of conveying the seriousness of teen pregnancy, she also manages to make the audience laugh just about every minute of the movie. Her sarcasm is flawless almost to a fault. The sign of any great character is that your focus remains on them, even when they aren't talking. Ellen definitely has that going for her in this film.

9. ELLEN BURSTYN- "REQUIEM FOR A DREAM"- I love it when older actresses who have been missing for a while finally get another role worth waiting for. In this film Ellen Burstyn plays a widow who is living alone in Queens. Her son Harry is a heroin addict that constantly steals from her. Her only real source of joy is a cheesy game show on tv. When she receives a phone call that she has won the opportunity to be on that game show, she goes through the roof. She wants to wear her favorite dress, but when she tries it on she realizes she's gained a few pounds. She goes on some diet pills that are basically a type of LSD. It starts off fine, but soon she is having to double and triple her dosage in order to keep up with the desired results. Her hopeful outlook coupled with the bleak truth makes for a nice duality to the character. Her downward spiral never really comes back up. And her journey into rambling insanity is played with the grace that only a veteran like Burstyn could pull off.

8. SCARLETT JOHANNSSON- "GIRL WITH THE PEARL EARRING"

Scarlett Johannsson is now a household name and she has this film to thank for it. The first film that she carried from start to finish proved that she had the acting chops to hang with the heavyweights of Hollywood as she starred in this film with the likes of Tom Wilkinson and Colin Firth. She plays a peasant girl living in the mansion of the great Dutch painter Johan Vermeer in the 1600's. Her character isn't overly talkative but she does such a good job portraying emotion and thoughts with facial expressions that it should be studied by mimes everywhere!! Her character is thrust into a world so different from the poor life that she grew up in and her fear of the unknown is always evident. She inadvertently becomes the subject of Vermeer's most famous painting. Making Vermeer's wife and bratty children conspire against her. The cinematography is fantastic in this film but Scarlett is the one who powers it from start to finish.

7. JULIANNE MOORE- "MAGNOLIA"- Although she is only on screen for about 25 minutes of this movie. She succeeds in being the most gripping character in this 12 person ensemble cast. She is a money grubbing whore who marries a tv producer 50 years her elder for his money. She cheats on him, treats him like shit, and uses him. However now that he is on his deathbed dying from cancer, she realizes that she has actually grown to love this old man. Her guilt becomes unbearable to the point that she doesn't even want to inherit his fortune anymore. She is so completely erratic due to being on prescription meds as well as seemingly suffering from depression and bi-polar disorder. You can't take your eyes off her for a second. She kept me on the edge of my seat simply because she is so verbally and physically abusive due to her own inner turmoil. But within seconds she is back to acting compassionate towards those she hurts. Kinda scary.

6. MARILYN BURNS-TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)

For Marilyn Burns, acting and reality seemed to collide during the filming of the most suspenseful horror movie of all-time. Terror will never look this real again simply because she honestly was scared for her life. She was stuck in a house with 5 guys she barely knew. The hot Texas heat in the house was in the 120's and they had been shooting for days. All of the props within the house were actual animal carcasses and they were turning rancid in the heat. The entire crew began becoming delirious from the smell as well as dehydration. Creating for a bit of the 'ol temporary insanity. In the scene where the hitchhiker cuts the inside of Marilyn's hand with a "prop" knife the heat was so hot that it had melted the protective layer of wax on the knife and he slashed her deep. (Later on she would receive a great deal of stitches.) As she cried for the director to cut and for the actors to stop they just kept poking at her, harassing her, and taunting her to the point that she thought she was in a genuine snuff film and these guys were actually gonna kill her. They ran with that idea for the remainder of the film and Marilyn, although severely traumatized by the experience managed to turn in the best performance in the history of horror.

5.JENNIFER CONNELLY- "HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG" I love Jennifer Connelly. A true actress that usually avoids big payoff roles to pursue more realistic and slow paced drama because she can play off of other great actors so well. This was probably her biggest test as she goes head to head with Ben Kingsley. She plays a woman who has been abandoned by her husband and finds out not too long after, that her house is being repossessed by the bank. She successfully ruins the lives of the family who moves into her old house but we still sympathize with her due to her own misfortune. The scenes between her and Sir Ben Kingsley are so real and powerful that I doubt if any feud over property in film will ever look good again. She also succeeds in ruining the marriage of another man and his family too. Her selfish air of entitlement is a hammer that smashes everyone around her. She never comes across in the film as someone with bad intentions, but that is merely a credit to Jennifer's flawless acting.

4.NAOMI WATTS- "21 GRAMS"- Nobody does sadness like Naomi. In this film she loses her husband and 2 little girls in one tragic hit-and-run accident. She is also a recovering alcoholic and drug addict that adds depth to her character. Her husband is the one that got her sober and she feels empty now without her family. Also an interesting dynamic is the relationship between her and Sean Penn's character. Sean received a heart transplant from her husband before he died. Now Sean loves her apparently because that is the heart that has always beat for her. She is faced with the dilemma of giving in to this man. But her reluctance is evident. Can she honestly love this man who benefited from her decision to pull the plug on her dying husband to save someone else? I guess you'll have to watch it buddy.

3. EVAN RACHEL WOOD- "THIRTEEN"- Another relative unknown at the time this film was made was rocketed to super- stardom after this Indy Festival Film spread like wildfire. Evan plays a straight A student and the ideal daughter who quickly descends into a nightmare for her family when popularity knocks at her door in the 7th grade. She pickpockets her way into the hearts of the "cool kids". Before long an entire world of crime, drugs, sex, and manipulation open before her. It is a story based on the actual life of her costar Nikki Reed. Therefore the source of the material was always readily available for her. It truly made her character as authentic as possible. The true strength of this film comes in the relationship between Evan Rachel and her mother who used to be best friends before "Evie" drove a wedge between them. Her mother tries love and understanding to steer her 13 year old daughter back to reality. Evan Rachel just gives her the cold shoulder, and degrades her in front of people making for some of the most heartbreaking and real interactions ever captured on film. Quite a feat for such a young actress to topple such mature subject matter, it is sheer brilliance.

2.NAOMI WATTS- "MULHOLLAND DR." Naomi is the only actress on the list to have 2 spots and it is rightly deserved. Her character in Mulholland Dr. is played with an almost schizophrenic authenticity. The film is basically 2 segments. Her character is completely opposite in the two. The first half is the way her life was supposed to be. A beautiful young actress that takes Hollywood by storm. She is helpful, warm, and talented. She befriends a scared woman that ends up being the love of her life. Producers stumble over themselves to hire her for their next role. However that segment is merely a dream. The 2nd half is the bleak reality of the situation. She switches gears seamlessly to a broken down actress as ugly on the inside as she is on the outside. She is degraded by producers, made a fool of by friends, and nobody really seems to give a shit about her ultimately culminating in a decision to have the woman she loves killed by a hitman. Her guilt is draped around her, thick as a blanket and she wears her scowl and desperation so well we don't even recognize her as the same actress from the earlier half of the film. This film takes about 7 viewings to grasp its genius but it's well worth it if you have the time. It's actually my favorite movie EVER!!

AND THE WINNER IS…

1. SARAH POLLEY- "MY LIFE WITHOUT ME"- Sarah Polley isn't a household name but the Canadian actress continues to deliver some the best roles of her generation. In this film she plays a 23 year-old mother of 2 little girls. She has a nice husband who is a bit of a loser because he's always unemployed, and they live in a trailer behind her mom's house. It was never the life that she saw for herself but she feels she can't really do much to change it. However after a doctor's appointment she is told that she has uterine cancer and she only has a few weeks to live. Instead of telling her friends and family the bad news she opts to keep it quiet because she doesn't want her remaining days to be filled with people crying and being fake. She instead, writes a list of all the things she wants to do before she dies. In trying to complete this list she finds a passion for life that she never had before. There are so many times in this film that Sarah makes tears come to my eyes by the slightest of gestures or words. Sometimes less is more and all great actors know that. Even though this film is slow paced it's the single finest job of acting I've ever seen from an actor or actress. I challenge everybody to "Google" Sarah Polley and check out some of her films. She is even directing now and her first film won all the awards at the Toronto film festival last year and she also provided her lead actress with an Oscar nomination for best actress. Talent upon talent.
Honorable mentions:
Hilary Swank-"Boys don't Cry"
Annette Benning- "American Beauty"
Judi Dench -"Notes on a Scandal"
Nicole Kidman and Julianne Moore- "The Hours"
Sissy Spacek- "In the Bedroom"
Christina Ricci- "Pumpkin"
Jennifer Connelly- "Blood Diamond"

Birds of the Apocalypse chapters 1-4

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Thu, 22 May 2008 16:07:00 +0000

Chapter 1: The intro

There once was a house tucked deep into the woods in a quiet Michigan township. This house was cozy and warm. In it, lived a man always dressed in orange, the woman with the terrible voice, a little bastard of a 12 year old son, and a big-ass fuckin’ dog named Ulrich. A bunch of the same type of horseshit happened around this house as any fucking house in the area. A whole lot of sitting around watching tv, making dinner, internet surfing, blah, blah, blah. Luckily for you assbags, this story isn’t about the fucking people sitting around with their thumbs in their rectums, it’s about all the events and characters that populated the property on the other side of the window glass. The woodland and barn-dwelling fucks. There were fat ass squirrels, horny cardinals, extremely douchey morning doves, some bloodthirsty cats, there were also many other fucking animals too but you’ll just have to read the fucking story to find out what they were bitch!! However the true heart of the story focuses on a crew of Blue Jays in the area that thought that they owned the neighborhood. Of course they didn’t really own the area but if you heard how much they talked shit to everyone else you’d think they did.

The first of these blue jays was Archibald. He was the smartest of the lot, and the oldest. He was 4 years old and he was being groomed to be the king in his first 3 ½ years of fucking life before tragedy befell his father. His parents had just flown south a few months prior to escape the hatin'-ass-haters. Archibald's dad was called Archie Sr. and he used to run the tree line for years. However, after a very nasty incident last winter, when it was so cold during the night that Archie Sr. woke up and his ballsack was frozen to the tree branch he was sleeping on. He didn’t realize that he was stuck until he tried to fly down to get some breakfast, when he elevated himself off the branch all the feathers on his scrote were ripped off exposing his frostbit nuts for the whole neighborhood to see. It was a tragic event for the whole family. Archie Sr. went from being the most respected animal in the neighborhood to being a laughing stock of all the animals, even the dumb shit morning doves laughed even though they were probably too retarded to even know why they were laughing. This sent Archie Sr, into a degree of exile, and the following spring he and his wife packed up their shit and decided to fly south for retirement hoping that the southern birds would be more compassionate than the dickheads that he was surrounded by in Michigan. Before he left he told Archibald the he was now the ruler of the tree line and if any of the other birds got out of line it would be his responsibility to enforce the standard blue jay rules that usually apply in such situations. Archibald nodded and vowed to keep the blue jays in a position of power or die trying. Even though he knew that his family wasn't necessarily the royal line anymore.

Archibald wasn’t as strong as his father physically, but he was infinitely smarter, this was something he had known for quite a while after seeing his father eat about 2 lbs of pink insulation in the pole barn on a bet. His father almost died from shitting shards of fiberglass out for about a month as it tore the fuck out of his stomach and intestines. Then when it was over, he planned to eat more just to prove he was still tough. Luckily Archibald was able to talk him out of it before he repeated the bonehead task. Archibald knew that being powerful wasn’t to surround yourself with “yes men” and cronies that slob your knob all day. Just because they were more abundant and easy to manipulate didn’t mean that they were the answer to a fast track to power. His father had rows and columns full of chickadees, finches, morning doves, and cardinals at his command, among other fucks. But when it all came down to it these birds weren’t good for much in maintaining a degree of rule. The chickadees were good for surveillance missions because they were so small. Many blue jays improved their aerial moves by training with Jonesy the daredevil hummingbird. He was great at showing the blue jays how to angle their wings to take corners sharper, and improve their in-flight agility. All he asked in return was for the student to carry some nectar-rich flowers into his sleeping quarters so he didn’t have to go out for breakfast in the morning. His little bitch beak couldn’t carry anything for shit so the service was well worth giving flying lessons to some birds that would have beat his ass anyway if he didn’t do it otherwise. But other than that, the cardinals weren’t really worth much outside of their sex stories. They were the resident hornballs, always telling stories about some chick they railed the night before. Most the time the cardinals were full of shit because they were monogamous and pussy-whipped queeftards, but they had a way of degrading females enough that it gave the crew a sense of male commrodery. But seriously, every male in the bird kingdom wanted to shag a female cardinal at least once before they died so the Cardinals didn't get their balls busted as much as they should have. The Morning Doves were worthless as a bucket of poison shit. They were tubby bitches that spent their time stuffing their fat fuck faces, and complaining about the stupidest shit. If they were ever asked to do anything they’d either make up an excuse of why they couldn't, or say they’d do it, but then forget. I guess you can say that they were the neighborhood’s crackheads or welfare recipients, always wanting a handout but not willing to do anything in return. Archibald’s dad kept them around for one reason only, and that was to be the shield between the blue jays and the barn cats. If given the choice the cat would always go after a dove first simply because they were fatter, slower, dumber, docile, and pretty gay in all aspects of life. After the tubby bitch was snagged by the vicious feline, the Blue Jays were given ample time to reach safety. The squirrels were different. They were the wild cards of the woodlands. Every now and again you’d have some squirrels working with the Jays for the common good. Other times you’d find a fat bastard going it solo and pushing all the others around like the O’Doyle family from Billy Madison. These guys were probably even more of a problem for the Blue jays than the cats, simply because they hogged down all the food at the bird feeder which was the tastiest and easiest source of food in the area. Boris the Brown squirrel was the most feared of the wild animals in the area, and he sat in that birdfeeder for hours gobbling down corn and challenging everyone to a fight. Even the cats dared not mess with him. His ass was as wide as a fucking Jersey Giant Sub sandwich. His eyes were narrow and black. He moved extremely well for a beast of his size. He also kept in fighting condition by doing constant chin ups in his den as well as keeping his claws sharpened like needles and filing his teeth into points with stones to keep then sharp and ready to impale some bitches if shit jumped off.
Upon his father’s absence the community never gave Archibald much respect. Even though he was next in line to be ruler, he was never granted the title of King. The members of the Primeline just roared with laughter about his dad’s torn nutsack and how the sins of the father trickle down to the son. Jonsey the hummingbird bird said “You are destined to inherit your father’s baggage. Archibald. You were going to inherit his kingdom but upon the scrote incident, you have inherited his shame instead. I move that we install a 12 man council in place of our Monarchy and see how that works out. The Blue jays have had their day, I say we smaller birds finally have a voice too!!” Roars of “Here, Here!!” reverberated throughout the Primeline. “Wait you little fuck!!” said Archibald as he lunged at the pussy-ass hummingbird with his talons ready for blood. Jonesy easily out-maneuvered Archibald and fled to a higher branch. “You can’t just overthrow the past 30 years of the Royal line because my father’s balls froze to a tree branch!!” “You’ll still be given a spot on the council” said a Wren named David. “A council ruled by the weak is less effective than outright anarchy. I mean rules and prosperity are still important to you right? asked Archibald. Boris the giant squirrel made his presence known and spoke “The Blue jay is right, there will be no thriving in our community when chickadees and morning doves are rulers. Blue jays are the only birds around here that have a built in sense of territory, and those crazy fucks will defend it or die trying.” Look how many Jays we lost to Talon and Tyranus’ claws because they were the only animals around here with balls enough to take the fight to them.” As he said this he pointed toward the memorial wall of residents that were brave enough to sacrifice their lives to keep the cats from the polebarn at bay, 90% of which were Blue Jays. “They are reckless birds, they are members of the crow family and their ways have cost more lives than they’ve saved!!” shouted some whiny little vagina in a Finches body. The smaller birds all agreed with him, not because he was speaking facts, but more because they were excited to finally have a voice in the Primeline. So agreeing with him automatically sapped power from the Blue Jays. “Then so be it.” said Archibald, we'll try this council idea on for size but when shit falls apart, don't come crying to me. With that he exited his father's throne room and began plotting his next move.

Chapter 2
(This chapter is a fucking prequel to chapter 1. Don’t read this shit if your mind can’t comprehend that idea. I’m gonna pull a Tarantino move on you chodes and do some out-of-sequence storytelling. This is a fucking flashback to paint you a picture of the early years of Dirk and Dale and the brutal fucking tragedy that occurred in their childhood. You'll also get to know their alcoholic father, Earl the Drunkard)

Earl was a friend of Archie Sr. in fact, Archie Sr. probably did more to raise the kids into adolescence than Earl could have ever managed. The nest that Dale and Dirk grew up in was on a completely different tree line than the one Archibald grew up on. It overlooked a tavern in the woods. Actually the tavern was the only thing keeping them there, because their nest was a piece of shit…literally. It was made of dog shit and some straw because Earl was too lazy and drunk all the time to build a proper nest for his family. Apparently the owner of the tavern was a bird watcher of sorts and a fellow drunkard so when he saw Earl out on the patio drinking out of the half empty glasses of beer and mixed drinks he decided to make it easy on the local birds to get a buzz on, so he bought some cheap-ass bird bath made out of plastic or some type of polymer shit and filled it up daily with cheap beer that tasted like feet mixed with butt hole. But Earl didn’t care, the taste wasn’t as important as the effect and the effect was magical. Earl would spend hours at the birdbath sucking down piss-warm flat beer that became stale in the sunlight. One day he even got lucky. A female blue jay moseyed into the area looking for a drink of water. After seeing Earl take gulp after gulp with no lethal effects she decided the water was safe to drink even though the smell didn’t match the water she was used to. After a few big drinks she was on the moon with liquid stupidity coursing through her veins. Her and Earl stayed up until the wee hours of the night singing songs about morning doves and why they’re so lame. When they woke up the following morning she was pregnant and covered in the dog shit that made up the bulk of Earl’s home. She was ashamed of herself when she woke up and saw what a sloppy chode Earl was. But seeing how there are no abortion clinics for Blue Jays she knew she had to follow her natural instincts and hang out until she squeezed out the eggs, after that, she decided, they were gonna be Earl’s problem.

Earl was a good enough guy, he wanted to make the relationship work because this bitch was hot as fuck and he knew that all his friends would jack off to her at least once per day after they saw how fine she was, garnering Earl much high fives and ego stroking. But he had to wait until after she laid the eggs because nobody wants to show off a girlfriend that’s preggers. Plus the girlfriend had kind of an ego too. She didn’t want anyone to see her with Earl because he was such a loser. She couldn’t very well invite her friends over to eat seeds in their dog shit apartment that overlooked a decrepit tavern. So the next few weeks were spent in uncomfortable silence with Earl occasionally doing something nice for her and she would just roll her eyes or make some shitty comment about Earl being a fucknut. When the eggs were finally laid she took off and never came back just as she planned. Earl saw her fly away and tried to follow but ran into a tree in pursuit because he was drunk as shit, about .25 BAC drunk. (3 times the legal flying limit.) After he shook off the cobwebs he sauntered up to the nest and saw 5 multi-colored eggs lying in his dog shit home.
Earl was overcome with both anger and sense of purpose. Two things that he usually tried to avoid more than he tried to avoid one of those salvation army queefs that stand in front of stores near Christmas time asking for money like bum-ass douche nozzles. So Earl sat and he sat and he sat on the same 5 bullshit eggs forever it seemed like. After 10 days he started to lose his shit. He started shaking and lusting for his beer. He was so pissed at his primal instincts for not letting him leave the nest for a few gulps of liquid gold. Every time he tried to stand up, his legs were pulled back down forcing him to tea-bag the eggs until the fucking cows came home. Luckily for Earl his fortunes were about to change. “Hey guy, you pullin' wife-duty holmes?” asked a cardinal a few branches over startling Earl. “Oh thank God!” responded Earl obviously thrilled that someone could finally go on a beer run for him. “Hey douchebag” said Earl, “how about your little fairy-ass goes and gets me some beer from over there?” and he pointed toward the birdbath. The cardinal was a bit taken aback by the Blue Jays’ dick-faced nature. “I don't know who you think you are chico to be talking to a member of the Playboys like that” responded the Cardinal. Earl had no idea who the fucking Playboys were, but it did remind him how sexually voracious cardinals were. Seriously, who other than a fucking Cardinal would actually think “Playboys” was a cool name? “Hey man, I'm seriously sorry.” said Earl “I'm just so parched right now, plus my whore girlfriend laid these bastards and bailed on them even worse than Britney Spears bailed on her self respect.” and he pointed toward the 5 eggs. The cardinal stared at the eggs as Earl spoke. “I have 5 eggs here, one of them is bound to be a female, as soon as she reaches sexual maturity I'll give you first crack at her vaj. Of course, Earl had no plan on giving his daughter to the cardinal, but he could tell that he peaked the cardinals' interest. “OK” said the cardinal “that sounds good, but I have some questions.” And with that, the cardinal flew over to Earl's nest and puffed his chest out like he was a fuckin Don Juan crossed with Tony Orlando, it wasn’t very intimidating at all. In fact, it was probably about as threatening as being fronted on by Richard Simmons. He glared deep into Earl's face and said “Look here chico, I know that all you Jays think that Cardinals are pussies, in fact, I think that one of you Jays even wrote a song about it called “All cardinals are pussies, if you disagree, fuck a tree.” “Yeah that sounds like a song we'd write, sorry.” replied Earl as he stifled a laugh. “Is your house made of shit?” asked the cardinal. “Yeah only the highest quality dog shit for me and my kids, you should try it.” The cardinal laughed and said “Yeah maybe I'll try it when all the fucking mud is gone... But anyway, Here's my questions, What do you ask that I do for you, to grant me your daughter's virginity?” Earl looked at him and said “Bring me steady beer until these fucking eggs hatch!!” “How do you propose I do this?” asked the cardinal. Earl sat up for a minute and searched the yard for containers. “There!!” he exclaimed, those cracked acorn shells, fill them up in the birdbath and bring them back to me full of fucking booze to pour down my face.” The cardinal searched the yard and found what Earl had pointed out. “OK” said the cardinal you have a deal...by the way my name is Kevin, I'm the leader of the Playboys I came here searching for a new location to set up shop and take over. “Hello Kevin, I'm Earl, I hope that you can keep up with my appetite, it's that of a pregnant alcoholic I feel like I am drinking for 2 people”. “Don't worry, we Playboys always make good on our promises”, and with that Kevin flew down to the birdbath with 2 acorn shells in foot. Earl appreciated the grace that Kevin utilized while scooping his beer. Kevin dipped them into the Golden bath that Earl loved, and flew them back up to Earl without spilling a drop. Earl sucked down the ale with 2 big sips per acorn. It was after this gesture that Kevin realized that he was in for a long 7 days. Kevin kept grabbing acorn shells of booze and Earl kept pounding them like water. He started getting vocal towards Kevin saying things like, “Hey you bubba goo bum chuda chatta” and the classic drunkard quote; “I think doo bam chiddle ba-ding-dap.” It apparently made sense at the time, but Earl was definitely back into drunkard form, what with all the jibberish-speak and unproven insults. Earl had even accused Kevin of killing JFK even though Kevin was born 30 years after JFK's assassination. Kevin didn’t pay much mind to Earl he was focused 100% on the sex promised to him. Earl the drunk was enjoying his surroundings. He sat back and enjoyed the cool wind blowing the crest on the top of his head as the world spun underneath him. He was experiencing such a great body-buzz that he leaned back a little too far in his nest and accidentally knocked 3 of the 5 eggs onto the ground splattering in unison. He was hammered but he knew that he fucked up...Bad!! He sat in silence for a handful of seconds sighing, wincing, and acting like nothing happened. But after the original shock, he flew down to the cracked eggs to see if the were salvageable. The answer is: No They Are Not! 3 of Earls 5 kids are dead because Earl was so drunk that he killed them in egg form and punted their shit like a football holmes!!. Kevin flew back up to the dog shit nest “Hey fucker, you better not have killed my bitch”. Earl stared daggers into that bullshit cardinal named Kevin, but Kev kept on shooting off at the mouth like Joan Rivers at a local carnival. He was telling Earl that one of those two kids better be female otherwise he was gonna sodomize the two sons. And guess what?? The eggs just hatched you Queef-Von-Chodes. Obviously I foreshadowed they were gonna be boys, and they were named Dirk and Dale. Kevin took one look at them and smiled...he smiled evilly. Or as close to a smile that could be mustered with a fucking beak. I'm mean seriously, how can a beaked-bitch smile or express facial happiness? Maybe it's all about the crest being high or low. Jays and Cards both have crests on their crowns and use that shit as if it were cleavage, sending out buckets of sexual energy for the opposing sex. But Kevin was definitely sporting some type of cruel demeanor as he floated away with that pedophile grin. As Kevin flew away he said "Remember what I said about the Playboys, we always make good on our promises." Dale and Dirk approached Earl and asked if he was their daddy. Earl froze up, he felt like he was in a shit sundae covered in piss-nets. “Yeah” said Earl to the kids, “I boinked your mom, so I guess that makes me your Pappy-Smear for the time being.” The kids looked at Earl and went fuckin' nuts. “Yayyy!! We've got our shitbag father. Fuck all you orphans, all you orphans can suck our scrote!!” exclaimed Dale and Dirk. They were full of piss and vinegar and they wanted blood constantly. They wanted to firebomb foster kids and poke adopted kids with shards of glass. They seemed to adapt to street life and having an alcoholic father to grow up with gave them their fair share of freedom and access to booze and alcohol. But they avoided that even though their genes were pre-wired to addiction. Finally after they had kicked their dad in the dick for the 20th time he decided it was time to fly to the other side of the forest and enlist the help of his childhood pal Archie Sr. to help him with his heathen children.
Earl intentionally stayed sober for the first time in his miserable life because he wasn’t sure if he would be able to find his way back home from Archie’s otherwise. Before he left he said to his sons “Look here you little pricks, you don’t like me and I hate your fucking guts in return, but I swear to the bird form of Jesus if you dicks try to leave the nest or pull some type of hinjinx I will lose my shit and superglue your beaks shut until you die of hunger.” Dirk sat up and said, “I’d like to see you try it you hideous failure of a bird.” And with that Earl left the nest and started on his trek to Archie’s but stopped after getting a few yards away from his kids. He knew it wasn’t safe to leave them there but that wasn’t the reason he turned around. He dive-bombed the bird nest and took an extremely messy shit as he passed over Dirk, leaving Dirk’s right eye stinging with fecal matter. “I’m still the master!!” laughed Earl as he flew away.
The path was less dense than Earl had remembered it. More and more houses were being built in the forest and Earl was actually sober enough to comprehend what a horror this was to his habitat. As Earl flew over construction crews he cussed them out like the master of profanity that he was. Some of the humans looked up at Earl asking each other “What’s wrong with that fucking bird?” Earl was infinitely sad that he left his last turd at home. He would have much rather shit down one of the humans gaping mouths than teach his kid a lesson that probably would just bring upon more retaliation.
After flying for about 10 minutes Earl had arrived at his destination. He was flying from nest to nest looking for his old chum. He arrived at a tree with a large cove dug out in the trunk as he peered in to find Archie Sr. he was met with a booming voice “Halt!, don’t move you little queer.” There wasn’t much in the area that could scare Earl but when he saw the 10 lb. Brown Squirrel Boris totter out of his den, Earl had to take a few steps back. Boris was as large as a groundhog with light brown fur over most of his body but his eyes had black around them giving him a most menacing demeanor. “Holy shit, you sure are a fat fuck!” said Earl. Boris stood up on his hind legs and started flexing his arms. “Does this look like fat to you? He asked as he pointed to his biceps and washboard abs” “I guess not” Earl was forced to reply. “How did you get so buff?” “I need to be strong, stronger than the cats if I want to survive. Those cats killed both my parents and I’m gonna stomp their shit after I get to my ideal weight and desired power. Replied Boris. “But first, I need some practice!” and with that Boris lunged at Earl and punched him right in the stomach. Causing Earl to throw up foamy beer vomit all over Boris’ feet. Boris glared at Earl for a moment. “You smelly bitch, did you just puke on my feet?” Earl looked down and laughed, “Yeah I guess I did, you fascist.” As Boris wound up for another power punch he stopped short and smelled the aroma of the barf. “Is that beer?” he inquired. “Yes indeed” replied Earl. “Where did you get it?” “Ha, well I guess maybe I’d tell you if you weren’t such a cockmunch.” “But everybody knows to stay off my tree. If I didn’t make an example of you, the others would think I’m getting soft. pleaded Boris. "Then I’d have to deal with all sorts of douchey morning doves shitting in my living quarters and being first class queefs when I’m trying to sleep.” Earl looked around and saw the whole community staring at him and Boris. Earl sympathized with Boris, he knew what a waste of space the morning doves were and he wouldn’t wish their kind on anyone. “Alright man, you can follow me back home after I talk to Archie Sr. The beer is right by my nest. However, I will expect a favor from you when the time comes.” proclaimed Earl as he fixed his gaze on the monstrous squirrel. “Agreed” nodded Boris.
Just then a voice piped up from down on the lawn. “I thought I smelled pussy! I should have known it was my old drunken cock of a best friend Earl of the Beer Treeline.” Earl recognized the voice of Archie and flew down to greet him. “What’s up homo? Looks like the winter was kind to you.” said Earl. Archie struck a pose, and said “Well somebody’s gotta reflect the image that Blue Jays are still the kings around here, we can’t all drink our lives away and live in dog shit.” “Fair enough” replied Earl somewhat ashamed at his own misfortune. Archie clapped him on the back, “I’m just bustin’ your balls old friend, in many ways I actually envy your care free lifestyle…but it’s not exactly carefree anymore is it?” “Who told you that?” Earl asked. “A little bird” replied Archie. Earl looked around at the many chickadees and finches that may have been spying on him for god knows how long. “You have me on surveillance?” Earl inquired. Archie took a deep sigh and searched for the words he was looking for. “Earl, ever since you left this place to go drink your ass off until you died, I’ve been keeping an eye on you from afar. That way if you passed out in the birdbath we could keep you from drowning. If you fell out of a tree we could bring you to a place to heal before the predators got a hold of you. I had sentinels in place that could help you out of any situation because I love you like a brother. And now, I hear you have the task of being responsible for 2 sons. “ “It was supposed to be 5” sulked Earl as he looked down at his feet. “Yeah I heard about that too. But accidents happen; to be honest I was proud that you stuck with those eggs the way you did. Most male Blue jays would just say “Fuck it!” and leave the eggs for the predators, but you stuck close and never left them.” “That’s only because my instincts prevented me from doing what I wanted to do.” Replied Earl. “Well that proves that you were truly meant to be father and you need to stop being so down on yourself all the time, and give those kids the life that your father never gave you.” “Fuckin’-A Archie, you’re right. I’m gonna be ok and I’m gonna do the things I need to do for my sons to make sure nothing happens to them. Do you want to come over and meet them?” Earl asked Archie. “Sure buddy, let me go get my permission slip signed from my wife, maybe I’ll bring my boy with me if he wants to stretch his wings a bit.” And with that Archie flew up to the most elaborate tree on the whole Treeline. There was corn and sunflower seeds being delivered to his front door as a sign of respect.
Earl remembered back when he was the stronger of he and Archie. Archie was always his little sidekick, but now times had changed so much. Archie was a god amongst mortals, and Earl was a forgotten has-been bent on self-destruction. He often wondered what his life might have been without discovering alcohol, would he be happier, sadder, richer, dead? He was a wise enough Blue Jay to realize such questions only lead to more questions but no fucking answers. So he went to back to Boris’ den. “Hey man, are you ready to get hammered?” shouted Earl into the den like wild banshee. “Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute, let yourself in.” said Boris speaking from a chamber of the tree that Earl couldn’t see. Earl walked through Boris’ den admiring the many make-shift exercise machines that Boris had built from rock, twigs, plants, and leaves. “You’re quite the buildsmith Boris, this stuff is amazing.” He also couldn’t help but notice the names etched on the walls accompanied with shitty drawings that Earl could only assume were supposed to be cats. The names were. Talon, Malice, Bane, and there was a name Tyranus that was scratched out. “Who’s Tyranus?” Earl asked. There was a long pause and Boris came into the room blinking his right eye extremely fast and rubbing it, then he looked at Earl. Earl a bit taken aback paused, “Don’t worry it’s just some eye drops I’ve been using, they burn like a bastard” Earl gave Boris a once over and shrugged his shoulders. As Boris continued to rub his irritated eyes he began to speak. “Tyranus was the meanest of all the barn cats. Once upon a time he used to be allowed inside the human's house. The humans named him Zeke. He used to just lay around all day never bothering a single other creature. He became very enamored with the human's “films” as they call them.” One such series was called Star Wars and there was a group in it called the Sith. Now Zeke had never really had much power in his early years but something about the way the Sith went after power by bullying, outsmarting, and using their skills within the force, made something within Zekes head snap into evil. He began emulating the jedi’s and sith lords training tactics. He would try to move things with his mind. As well as fetching toys thrown by the humans while his eyes were closed to raise his sense of awareness over sight. His cruelty started to surface when he began catching mice in the basement and torturing them, and sucking their happiness out before he dispatched of them. He would only respond to the name Darth Tyranus when addressed by other animals. One time when Ulrich the big ass dog in the house refused to give him the proper respect that Tyranus thought he had earned, he launched himself at the enormous Wolfhound and scratched the shit out of his face. Ulrich had to get stitches and he avoided Tyranus at all times within the house after that. I mean can you imagine being out weighed 12 to 1 and still being able to win the fight? Well, the humans decided to keep him around for a while because the child really liked him. However, when Tyranus went after the child’s face because he made a crack about Tyranus' momma, the adults banished him to the polebarn. For weeks Tyranus sat outside the door crying to get in, but the humans just ignored him. He was cast out and forced to live the life of a beast. He let the hatred build inside him for 3 years in the polebarn. He turned that hatred into resolve. He started to believe that he could actually feel the force coursing through him. He stopped eating the dry food the humans brought to him and began only feasting on the flesh of other animals because he believed that you could absorb their strength by digesting them. “Jesus” gasped Earl. “After 3 years of exile, Darth Tyranus was granted a protégé, a female stray named Ruby. She was the most beautiful cat in the area, long fluffy white hair, carolina blue eyes, and the body of a goddess. She belonged to an old woman from down the block. When the old woman died some people came to the house to put her inside a tiny cage and take her away. But Ruby bolted out the door as soon as she saw an opening and headed for daylight. She ran and ran until she found the polebarn. When Tyranus saw her he aimed himself from the atop of some of the cross boards that supported the barn lest he be afforded to kill for pleasure and lunged down upon her. His claws extended to shred and winding up to rip the back of her fucking head off. But at the last minute she sidestepped the blow, even though the attack was from behind she could sense it with the force, or so the legend says. After that show of perfection, Tyranus took her under his wing as his pupil to study the ways of the force. She was Ruby no more, from that day forward she would be called Darth Talon.” “OK, nice back story, but why is Tyranus’ name crossed out?” asked Earl. “Because my father killed him” replied Boris. Earl burst out laughing, “Are you shitting me? A little squirrel killing a death machine like Tyranus?” laughed Earl. Boris glared at Earl before saying; “My father was very smart, and he was sick of the cats killing all of us that live on the treeline. I was a mere child and he knew that none of us were long for this world when Tyranus and Talon’s bloodlust began to became more prominent. They hunted as a pair and their cunning was too crafty for any of the woodland creatures to react properly. Rabbits, Squirrels, Birds, Woodchucks, even fuckin' Raccoons fell to their jaws and claws. It was very dark times for the area. When Talon became pregnant the whole community lost their fucking sanity. There was no fucking telling how many savage beasts would be added to the Sith army after this. So my father figured the only way to garner some type of small victory was to cut off the head and hope the rest of those son-of-a-fucks would follow. He waited patiently watching neighbor and friend die around him until finally Talon was too preggers to go hunting anymore. My father sprung into action and ran to the polebarn. I could hear him yelling at Tyranus calling him foreskin-breath and saying things like he was a tubby bitch with basket-tits and that his face looked like a AID's riddled rectum. Then I saw my father flee away from the polebarn followed by the demonic Darth Tyranus who was frothing at the mouth. He sprinted all the way through the front yard and into the road. Then my father turned and stopped right in the middle of the pavement letting Tyranus sink his teeth into his throat killing him instantly. What Tyranus' force skills didn't let him know was that there was an 18-wheeled semi-truck coming through the neighborhood right on schedule as my father had calculated. The truck smooshed Tyranus flatter than an Olsen twin's fuckin' chest. “Wow, that takes serious fuckin' balls to sacrifice himself like that, I mean the most I've ever sacrificed was 10 days of beer drinking time to teabag my whore girlfriend's eggs until the fuckin' cardinal came by to be my beer-bitch.” After Earl said this, his eyes got huge and scared. “Oh my god, I've abandoned my boys!! I've abandoned my childs!!” just like Daniel fuckin' Plainview in “There Will Be Blood” “C'mon Boris, I have a bad idea that's tweaking my shlong's grammar!!” exclaimed Earl. Boris wasn't sure what that meant, but he knew that anytime someone's shlong was tweaked or jostled it was never a good thing...unless she was hot. (LOL)
Earl fluttered to Archie's house “Hey, Hey, I gotta go! I think I'd like your help. Said an exasperated Earl to Archibald and Archie. After shaking Archie by the shoulders he took off towards the Beer Treeline or Beerline for any of you fucking readers that didn't know that it was called that already...you bitches. Anyway, Earl was heading vigorously towards home with the idea that his boys were in some type of trouble. Boris followed behind jumping from tree to tree using his athletic ability to raise him above mediocrity. Archie Sr. followed at a close distance and eventually caught up with Earl. “What's the hurry guy?” asked Archie Sr. “I just think that my boys aren't ready to be alone yet and I have some sort of paternal crystal ball telling me to go home.” panted Earl. “Alright then, that sounds completely rational” said Archie Sr as he rolled his eyes. However when they got within 200 yards Archie thought Earl might be right. He heard the screams of at least one blue jay child. The 3 of them picked up their pace and blasted through the woods like Paul Bunyan on meth. When Earl arrived at his nest he could only see red. Figuratively and literally, he was pissed as shit for certain, but he also saw red because his home was infested with those crimson queefs the cardinals, apparently not just any cardinals but the whole Playboy crew. Dirk was being held down on the branch that supported their nest by 3 cardinal fucks. He struggled to help his brother but he was too young and small to break free. Dale was being forced facedown into the dog shit nest choking on poop particles. 2 cardinals were pinning him to the nest, but worse than that was that cock sniffer Kevin. He was positioned behind Dale sodomizing his bunghole and laughing about it like a pedophile dipped in extacy. Dale screamed in pain as Kevin proceeded to be a homosexual, even though he constantly denied it. Earl sent all his energy toward sending Kevin's head flying through the air but the cardinal to the left of Kevin blocked the punch and then started doing karate psych-out shit. While this lame bullshit was going on, none of the cardinals heard the pitter-patter of Boris' feet climbing up the tree. He appeared on the branch where Dirk was being held down by the 3 cardinals and smiled. He grabbed one cardinals and snapped his neck like a cheap toy made in Tokyo, then he grabbed another by the neck and as he squeezed the ever-loving shit out of his throat, he also lunged with his pointed teeth toward the neck of the remaining cardinal causing his jugular to erupt with crimson sprinkler action. Obviously Boris was experiencing some sort of bloodthirsty rage so Earl and Archie both backed down as Boris now lept toward the nest to save Dale. Archie took this opportunity to stab out the left eye of the cardinal to the left of the action with his beak, his retina burst out hot puss as he screamed like a liitle bitch. He flew away leaving just Kevin and another Card there. Boris plunged headlong for Kevin's fucking face but Kevin dodged it and took to the air. He was fast, no doubt, but Archie gave chase anyway. This left one cardinal in the nest with 3 blue jays and 1 rabid squirrel. Who do you think would win? Yeah well, that cardinals head was stuck on a spear and used as a mailbox for the next decade if that answers your fucking question. After the nest was clear of cardinal cockswabs Archie returned to the nest and said “That little piece of donkey scrote is fast as fuckshots.” Earl ran to Dale and began apologizing to him for failing him as a father and protector. “Oh god why have you forsaken my seed!! Punish me!! I'm the failure. My boy was good! Can you hear me god? You spunk-ass Biscut Lizard!! I hope you rot, you gnome erection!!! But god never appeared to Earl that day. In fact, he wanted Earl to feel anguish until he regained some perspective. It was during this procedure that Earl found a purpose and he said to Archie sr. “Archie, I want you to raise my children on the Prime Treeline, I will do nothing but fail them if I'm their caregiver, but I can sure as shit make the world a better place by hunting down that fuckity fagtard Kevin.” “No!!” barked Boris, “They need to grow up where they were born, it is written in the Forest Bi-Laws. Archie you must tend the Primeline as you are the leader there. I will stay here and raise the boys. Teach them how to survive in this dicked-up world.” “What about learning to be a Blue Jay, a fucking bird. You can't very well teach them how to fly Boris.” exclaimed Archie. “We will meet up with you twice per week. To learn your precious birdie training and fag them down about 5 notches. They will get a chance to learn the forest on these treks, in the mean time I'm gonna make them tough as nails to keep them from having to deal with issues like butt-rumping ever again.” said Boris. Earl stood there for a second before looking at his children and said, “Well, then it's settled, my boys will be raised by a muther fuckin' squirrel. I guess it coulda been worse. You turds could have been raised by morning doves.” Outside of Dale the whole group burst into laughter just at thought of morning doves trying to do something useful. “Old friend,” said Earl as he looked at Archie Sr. “May your reign on the Primeline be long and prosperous” “Thanks vigilante man, you better come back after killing the Playboys. Your kids still need a proper father.” replied Archie. “If all goes as planned, the world will never have to worry about cardinals or my drunk ass ever again.” And with that Earl the Drunkard and Archie the Golden-ish locked wings and bowed to one another. “You have my word that I will keep watch on your sons until they are men.” Earl laughed at him and said “You have my permission to slap the shit out of them if they get mouthy.” They both laughed for a while before Archie asked Earl “Where are you gonna search for that Kevin douche?” “I figured I'd rely on eye-witnesses. I mean that dude was so dramatic, I know he likes when people stare at him so somebody will have some info. Being flamboyant is about to cost him his hollow life. Said Earl. Let's just call him a wanna-be, the equivalent of someone famous for being on a reality tv show.
Earl spent the night with his sons, and in the morning he told them to be brave and that he could somehow make up for Dale's ass-raping by torturing Kevin. Neither one of his sons cared much for Kevin so the fact that he was due for a torturing didn't bother them in the slightest. In fact, they were happy that their underachieving dad had fire in his eyes for the first time since they could remember. Earl left the nest hungry for pain.
The creatures decided to go back to the Primeline after the sun came up fully. Dale and Dirk both had some wounds that were too painful for the primitive supplies at the Beerline. Boris stopped at the beer bath before leaving because he was looking for that good morning nip.
The trek back to the Primeline was very slow. Boris carried Dale for much of the way mumbling words of encouragement to him, the poor blue jay hadn't said a word since being butt-crammed by Kevin. He just laid in Boris' arms with a blank fucking stare. Dirk occasionally flew to the ground to check on Dale to see if he was still sane. Dale would nod his head to certain questions but still refused to speak fuckin' vocally. He was traumatized bitches!! He was violated hardcore. A part of him was lost that day and odds are that he was pretty unstable and might someday snap. Yeah it's kinda accurate...maybe. I guess your ugly face is gonna have to keep on reading to find out. I'm gonna take a few minutes to insult the reader.

Hey you, ugly mess, you look like hot trash covered in vomit. I'm the author and you are a mere eyeball stare person. I think that you have weaved one too many sand baskets in your day. I don't like your nosed-faced demeanor!! I only talk to people without noses, bitch.

After Dirk and Dale arrived at the Primeline, 1 year-old Archibald studied their aggression with rising interest. They scrapped with his father and Boris like two savage cougars. Dirk was very aggressive and fluid in his movements and on more than one occasion was able to get a good beak shot to Archie Sr’s taint. Dale was training almost exclusively with “Boris the Maniacal” as they were calling him now after word spread about his savage ass-stomping of the pedo-rapist cardinals. Dale and Dirk ventured to the primeline twice a week to learn how to be birds from Archie Sr. and Archibald. But after that year was over Archibald didn’t really see them very often anymore. They lived almost exclusively at the Beerline learning how to grapple and fight with Boris as well as foraging for food. The problem with the Beerline was that it was in a shithole of an area. The ground was hardened clay so it’s not like very much grass fucking grew there, plus most of the trees in the area were dead and rotted. Therefore they didn’t really have shit for food. Green Leaves, berries, nuts, and seeds were in small quantity. This wasn’t something that really bothered them too much however, because Boris explained how Blue Jays and Squirrels were both omnivores and they could eat plants and meat. “We are very fortunate to have diverse forms of nourishment” said Boris “We don’t have much plant life but we have infinite opportunities to eat flesh. Which is probably a better source for we who want to be strong. There is much higher energy in bugs and frogs than there is in plants. Therefore you’ll be able to put on lots of mass in a shorter time.” Boris was always trying to bulk the boys up. Dirk was getting big but Dale was becoming monstrous. He was now a full grown blue jay but he kept growing larger and larger.
One day when Dirk came back early from foraging he saw Boris holding an eyedropper made out of straw and a frog skin up to the eye of Dale. After the drop made contact with Dale’s eye he started blinking extremely fast and recklessly scratching the christ out of his eyeball. “What the fuck, Boris!!” belted Dirk. “Can't you see that shit's fucking him up?” He looked deep into his brothers eye as it was oozing goo. Dirk pointed a wicked fuckin look towards Boris. “What the fuck was that slime Boris? What was it!! You monkey-lookin' bitch??!! “It's a steroid to make him stronger and better. “ said Boris. “Where the fuck are you getting roids Boris? I mean that's not some common shit in a goddamn forest!! said Dirk. “I know a Robin, and he knows a Field Mouse that lives on a farm round yonder. He gathers the supplies and brews it himself. 80% of it is made from Bull and Horse semen. The other 20% is tobasco sauce, it really kicks it up a notch!! It would add mass to anything, even your little chode of a dong” said Boris to a more increasingly agitated Dirk. “So what you're saying is that my brother is now a retarded mute taking money shots to the eyeball with donkey jizz!?!? screamed Dirk. “Actually it's horse jizz, not donkey. I have standards” said Boris with a condescending tone. “You tubby bitch!!” yelled Dirk as he got in Boris' face. “I'm sick of your bullshit you fuzzy wanker. Every single day me and Dale have to listen to you go on and on about how you're gonna save the Primeline from from the feline tyranny. Yet you volunteered to come over here to raise us at the Beerline because you know that you are a big-talking douche that's all show, and no go. You try to uphold your fathers legacy but you are a fat bitch short of your father's legacy. In fact, you don't even tickle the taint of your father's legacy. What are you gonna do with all your muscle? Probably just rot away here on the Beerline and and force your queefdom on me and my retarded mute bro-ham? Well fuck that shite Boris, and to hell with your ego!! ” Boris looked vulnerable for the first time the young jays could ever remember. “Well Dirk since you obviously know so much about me and what my intentions are, why don't you tell me what I'm gonna do next you flaky bitch?!?! growled Boris as he sneered the balls out of Dirks eyeline. “I don't know Boris, you'll probably just buckle down and do nothing just like you always do. And by the way those roids are shrinking your balls in more way than one.” said Dirk. As Dirk said this to Boris it was mere seconds before Boris was lunging with sharpened claws toward Dirk's throat going for his fuckin' jugular. Boris needed blood, and he was furious at the disrespect that Dirk was giving him. Especially because Boris was the one reason why Dirk didn't get ass-raped. He interjected and killed those cardinals so what the fuck right does Dirk have spouting his bullshit? So he quickly developed a mental picture of how he'd dismember Dirk's face and shit. Dirk braced himself for a ball-shattering bludgeon but as he winced with his eyes shut ready for the pain...he felt nothing but wind as he opened his eyes and saw his brother Dale block the blow from Boris the Maniacal. Dale stared eye to eye with Boris and shook his head in shame at the squirrels actions. Boris searched for words but none appeared to him. Dale pointed his wing toward the woods. A gesture that could only mean get your ass out of here. “You heard him Boris, you aren't welcome here anymore. I guess you better take your ass back to the Primeline and receive the inevitable feline thrashing that you keep trying to avoid.” said Dirk. As Boris slowly gathered his shit he kept looking towards Dale for some type of sympathy but Dale just furrowed his eyebrows with impatience at his surrogate father. As Boris descended the tree for the final time he could have swore that he heard Dale's voice for the first time in his life. Boris couldn't make it out the exact words but it sounded like words of encouragement. Boris had to return to the Primeline fearing death and the shame that he had brought upon himself. Dirk and Dale were to rule the Beerline for the next year until their destiny arrived in the form of an old friend.

Chapter 3: Back to present times...bitch.

Ever since Archie Sr. left the Primeline there hadn't been much leadership there. Food was less prominent, Talon and her 2 kids were becoming a feared trio that went unchecked by the Primeline inhabitants, and overall the quality of life was fading. Instead of a strong dictatorship that the community had thrived under for years, the weak council now ruled in its place. All of the most prominent species had a representative and all the votes between the lot were equal. Blue Jays, Cardinals, Morning Doves, Chickadees, Hummingbirds, etc. There were 12 councilmen in all. Archibald's stomach turned over the fact that his vote in all matters was equal to the Morning Dove representative named Reginald the Douche. Reginald the Douche did nothing more than delay results. Nobody ever paid him any respect nor did they talk to him or listen to his bullshit. But when he became a member of the council that gave him a chance to spout out at the mouth about any fuckin' thing he wanted. Every time a bill was going to be passed Reginald took the opportunity to filibuster the bill. Yesterday there was to be a bill to enforce a fine on citizens that were found shitting in the bird feeder or on the ground within 5 yards of the bird feeder in an order to keep there best food clean. But Reginald used that opportunity to give possible outcomes of a fight between a spatula and an oven mit. After two hours of speculation he finally came to the conclusion that the oven mit would win because spatulas don't have teeth. Obviously this was most douchey conclusion possible but the meeting had to be adjourned because the time was up. All the citizens used this opportunity to shit on the food as much as possible like the dicks that they were. Seeing how there was no law.
There was also a representative of the Robins. His name was Hannibal. He was a most vile and devious bird. Anything going down on the Primeline was something that Hannibal knew before anyone else. His Robins kept to the ground digging for worms and bouncing from tree to tree unnoticed. Their ears were already evolved to the point that they could hear worms moving under soil so you can just imagine how fucking easy it was for them to hear private conversations taking place in treetops. Hannibal used this knowledge for immunity, currency, favors, women, and pretty much whatever he wanted. Cardinals had a representative, his name was Juan. Juan was one of the few members of the council that didn't give Archibald a desire to shred the shit out of. Archibald didn't always see eye to eye with Juan but he knew that Juan was just trying to do what was best for the community. Today Archibald called for divebombs against any raccoons in their feeder as well as any cats that came near the treeline. Juan suggested that maybe siding with the raccoons would be a good move because they could fend off the cats and maybe even dish out some pain to Boris who was becoming much more aggressive towards birds in the last few months since he had arrived back at the Primeline from the Beerline. Archibald disagreed. “Then we become reliant on the fucking raccoons, then once we have to share our food with raccoons, the possums, rabbits, and deer will come too. Then guess what? All of the birds of this area will be the last in line for the food that's designated to us in the first fucking place.” yelled Archibald. However after some deliberation Archibald's proposal was voted down within the Bird council. Only Hannibal the Robin sided with him. The other 10 members of the council voted to enact an alliance with the raccoons. Archibald shook his head. He knew this leadership was going to be the death of them all. “Sometimes I wonder if these birds are even interested in long-term survival” said Hannibal as he stood up and left the meeting hall. Archibald followed. When the birds arrived outside of the meeting hall they were greeted by the massive squirrel Boris. “So I see all the top fairies had another one of their useless fairy gatherings. What was the topic this week? Maybe Reginald took the opportunity to discuss the benefits of eating feces mixed with food because that seems to be the decision after last weeks meeting.” Boris pushed his way through the councilmen, punching, kicking, and slapping birds upside the head as he made his way toward Archibald. The hulking Boris stood 5 inches taller than Archibald and probably outweighed him 4 times over. As many of the council members fled to their homes or fluttered to another tree, Archibald stood his ground standing chest to chest with the squirrel, and not even flinching as Boris raised his fist in a threatening gesture. Upon seeing Archibald wasn’t to be intimidated with the threat of physical violence Boris growled at Archibald. “I thought you said that you were passing a bill to punish those responsible for shitting in the feeding platform?” “That was the plan, but some members of the council are a far cry from smart and apparently an argument between Spatula vs. Oven Mit was a much more pressing issue to the community. Replied Archibald in a condescending tone. “You insolent swine. The Primeline is my home, I’m the only mammal that lives here year round. If you birds aren’t willing to uphold the quality of life for your residents, then maybe we need to vote on an amendment that mammals can act on the Council of Birds as well. Maybe if I’m there something will actually get fucking done.” Archibald began laughing as the squirrels face began turning red with rage. “What’s so funny dick!?!? Shouted Boris. “If it’s more mammals you want, then more mammals you’ll have. The council is offering the raccoons a spot in the community for protection from the cats. “What!!,” growled Boris, the raccoons? But that will just lead too…” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, possums, rabbits, deer, yadda fucking yadda. Interrupted Archibald. “Boris, I’m trying to restore some dignity to this community but I’m one vote in a council of 12. We Blue Jays are the most territorial birds in the world, it’s not in the nature of chickadees and hummingbirds to act in aggression towards trespassers. That’s why I need you Boris, I need you by my side when the time comes for our revolution. We will restore this place to a utopia again. We’ll even do something that my father never did and rule over the cats as well as the hawks in the sky.” Boris roared with laughter. “Rule over cats and the hawks? Are you fucking daffy? I gotta say Archibald, I like the way you think, but first why don’t we worry about keeping shit out of our food then we’ll work our way up to global domination.” Archibald didn’t crack a smile, he didn’t even blink as he looked at Boris’ big squirrely face. “Just say that you’ll have my back when I start cleaning house up in this bitch. Boris thought about it. “Very well, my dad always spoke highly of your father, so I’m sure he’d rather me side with a Blue Jay rather than the weaker birds of the area. “Your father was great man. He slayed Tyranus and bought the community some time to evolve a defense against the cats.Too bad his sacrifice was for nothing because this council has squandered precious time due to gay-dogging and pandering for penis compliments. Tyranus’ kids will be full-grown soon and will need to be dealt with. By siding with me you are showing your dedication to his sacrifice and we will finish the job your father started on the evil brood. Archibald said to Boris as they shook hands. “So what’s the plan?” asked Boris. Archibald fluttered up to a higher branch and stared out at the rabble that called themselves birds infesting the community. “Rounding up more muscle, said Archibald. “We need more Blue Jay talent around here. All these jays are crusty old fucks we need some new blood.” Boris looked nervous as he said these next words. “Dirk and Dale will be ready to fight, they are mean little fucks but unfortunately I don’t think they will want to fight alongside of me.” Archibald nodded, “Well I guess I’ll just have to make them an offer they can’t refuse.”
The first order of business for Archibald was to cut ties with his dad’s crew. They bailed on his father when his chapped balls were swaying in the wind so fuck those chodes, he thought to himself. So at the next council meeting, Archibald brought up the idea that he was going to hold tryouts for those strong enough to be in his crew and they would overthrow the council. He was met with roars of laughter. “Who died and made you leader?” asked an asshole dick of a chickadee. “Who died and made you leader?” repeated a big-time douche of a morning dove Reginald, obviously too stupid to think up his own question, in so, stealing the chickadee’s question. He even beamed at his brilliance after asking it like he said something profound like he was the modern day fucking Hemingway. Archibald glared at the dove for a minute before returning his eyes to the group. “My dad was king of this tree line before Jack Frost ripped his scrotum, I know that I am just as good of a leader as my dad ever was, and with time and experience I can be even better.” Jonesy the Hummingbird peeped up, “But your dad was stronger than you could ever be, how can we rely on your muscle in the face of adversity? Back when you were a kid you were always dicking around taking notes about plants like a fucking nerd while your dad wrestled and fought with that drunkards 2 blue jay boys.” I am going to meet with those two sons of a drunkard's boys right now, and ask for their allegiance to my cause. Odds are they'll be sick to their stomachs when I tell them about this mockery of council and the queefs that are running it. I’m gonna start my new crew from scratch and all you fucktards are gonna wish you signed up for tryouts when the offer was on the table, we're gonna kick you all in the dicks, and leave you for the savage feline prowlers. “It doesn't matter” said David the Wren, “3 blue jays cannot overthrow an entire government, he is barking mad. He is trying to call our bluffs” Archibald sneered at the dumb dick “I knew none of you pussies would have the stones to side with me, I just wanted to give you ample warning ahead of time. You bitches better be gone by the time I come back, or violence will be dealt to any of those loyal to this bullshit council. With that, Archibald set off to find his first 2 recruits, Dale and Dirk.
Chapter 4: Dealing with the Devil

“But sir, something about this just doesn't seem right. We shouldn't be selling out birds to the cats, they're our species” “I don't care what your conscious is telling you. Interjected Hannibal the Robin towards one of his underlings named Nick. “The only species I'm loyal to is that of the Robins. All the other birds can suck a dick. As long as Talon continues to give Robins safe passage into the polebarn for shelter, nesting supplies, and immunity what difference is it if a few finches get snagged?” “Aren't you worried about the council catching wind of this? This type of treason warrants death in the eyes of the forest.” asked Nick. “HA HA HA, that council is nothing more than a farce. Laughed Hannibal “A mere gathering of weak-minds to stroke egos and act important without actually doing anything. As long as we have Reginald the Douche in our midst, I'm not really worried about the council hearing anything outside of his worthless blathering. The only one in that council that I fear is Archibald, and he's gone to the Beerline for the night. This is the perfect opportunity for the Robins to move up a few rungs. Robins ruling the treetops without fear of the Blue Jays, Hawks, and Cardinals...we can also rule the yard and soil without fear of Cats and Squirrels. If we can manipulate Talon to our advantage just right, us Robins will be immortal!!” Nick sighed and reluctantly nodded his head in approval. He didn't want any part of shady dealing with the cats. Especially when the deals usually involved pumping the cats with injury updates around the Primeline. A couple months ago (flashback) Hannibal went to Talon and her spawn, with info that Michelle the Sparrow had injured her wing flying into a window that she thought was open air. She managed to get back into her tree for the night. So Hannibal gave the coordinates to Talon by morning Michelle was fucking gone due to the stealth and savagery of Talon. Only some feathers were left in her tree as well as 4 hungry mouths to feed. Hannibal knew that they were as good as dead anyway so he pushed them out of their nest onto the ground to let Talon's daughter Malice, and her son, Bane enjoy bird's blood for the first time in their young lives. That bought him some clout with the felines and it also showed the type of initiative that Talon could respect. “And they call us savages!?” remarked Talon as she walked by Hannibal sending a shiver down his spine. “You'd sell out your own mother for a piece of corn Mr. Robin, wouldn't you?” “I do what I need to do to for the Robins. Dead sparrows don't mean a fuck to me.” replied Hannibal trying not to shit his pants in fear. He could feel Talon's whiskers on the back of his neck and closed his eyes grimacing at the prospect of death. “Maybe some birds are worth more than just dinner.” purred Talon as she continued past Hannibal leaving him unharmed “Keep me updated on activities in the Primeline and I will give you access to the polebarn during thunderstorms for shelter, as well as any of your Robin buddies.” “What about all that straw for nesting, can we have that too?” asked a Hannibal who was gaining a bit of confidence. “Sure, we'll call it a package deal” said Talon. This is how Hannibal struck a deal with the devil cat, and his lust for power began to take shape. (back to present times bitch!!) Nick and Hannibal quietly hopped their way towards the polebarn. Hannibal occasionally stopped to dig in the ground for some slimy worms from the cool soil, however Nick was far too scared and ashamed to have an appetite. He was continuously twitching his head up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right B, A, start. Like his head bobs would give him 30 fucking lives bitch!! If you don't get the reference to that joke then I guess you didn't grow up with a fucking Nintendo in the eighties...bitch!! “Why can't you just go to her??” pleaded Nick with Hannibal “I gave you the info, why do I need to go too??” Hannibal whirled around on Nick and poked him in the chest with his wingtip. “Because you piss-head, it's important that the cats know that the Robins support them as a whole, and not just me. As they were mere inches from the polebarn entrance Nick started to freak the fuck out. “I can't go in there Hannibal, it's not right, this place smells like death!!” “Quit being a vaj Nick, suck it up and do something noble for the Robins for once in your rancid life!!” screamed Hannibal.
They entered the polebarn with caution. Even Hannibal's facade couldn't withstand the ominous atmosphere that this place harnessed and he was visibly shaken with fear only adding to Nick's already shaky demeanor. The bones of mice, birds, moles, and other creatures littered the floor of the barn. Years of Talon, Tyranus, and the brood's genocide upon all the woodland creatures seemed to be accumulating by the fuckload. The humans had neglected cleaning this barn because they never really used it for shit, but the cats had turned this place into the most disturbing homage to necrophilia since the cops raided Ed Gein's house in Wisconsin back in 1957. Ed Gein was the dude that turned corpses into furniture, clothing, lamp shades, silverware etc. He was also the inspiration for Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Silence of the Lambs and Psycho. 3 of the greatest horror movies of all time. Goddamn!! Must I explain everything to you tards? Shit!! Anyway there were bones everywhere. It was gross.
A whisper of a voice slunk through the darkness. It was Darth Talon, and she was singing a lullaby to her children. A quiet menace filled the room with a heart choking desperation as she purred,
“Eat those birds like you were dying
Eat those babies whilst still crying
I like hiding in your house
Peering like a little mouse
From the shadows I am creeping
Looking at you while you're sleeping
You can feel my...”
“Ahem, whispered Hannibal in a choked voice. “Darth Talon Miss?” Sssshhh. said Talon. “They have just gotten to sleep.” Nick and Hannibal looked over to Bane and Malice asleep on the worn tee-shirts and filthy oil rags that occupied the upper left hand corner of the barn. “I'm sorry my lady, I just think I have some info worth your attention. Said Hannibal. Talon went from pawing a mud puddle in disinterest to perking her ears up. “Go on then” said the inquistive feline. “By the way, here is my successor, Nick. I kinda wanted to groom the youth for our future together.” said a nervous Hannibal. Darth Talon encircled the two robins walking laps around them for what seemed like hours all the while staring daggers into Nick's eyes. “Is that right...NICK!! You wanna help the cats!?!? grilled Talon. Nick tried to open his mouth and speak but nothing more than a half pint of digested worms and raspberries came out in a frothy mess. “Heehee hee laughed Talon. “Yeah Hannibal, that's one hell of a next generation you're packin'. Hahaha!! Hannibal was embarrassed and jabbed Nick in the nuts a few times with his elbow to wake up his sane mind. “What the fuck? Hannibal? You dick, why you hittin' my balls dude? Hannibal gestured toward's the face of Talon. Nick looked in that direction, the nut-punches obviously erasing his temporary memory to see for the first time to his tard-ass brain, a hungry death-machine with crazed morals named Darth Talon. Nick jumped the length of 5 fucks in a bathtub on acid. (Your guess is as good as mine, but it was far) He fled to the upper beams of the barn. “You sick fuck Hannibal!! What have you done to us robins?? Have you made us allies to vicious savages bent on death to our shit?” asked Nick. “Yeah Hannibal, what have you done to your race?” laughed Talon. She continued to laugh as Hannibal still tried to wrap his brain around his own betrayal. Hannibal realized that he had indeed made a deal with the devil and that any deal struck within that polebarn was null and void. Most likely not due for refund. So anyway, what a douche for trusting a cat in the first place. As he contemplated his place in hell, Hannibal decided to make a break for it. He flew to a beam on the upper portion of the barn. Darth Talon was on the opposite side of the barn from him, staring at Nick. Hannibal looked up to the loft where Bane and Malice slept, they hadn't moved since his arrival. “Nick you can bolt left and get to the exit of the polebarn” screamed Hannibal. The exit was either under the sliding door or out through the hole in the upper northeast corner of the barn. Nick would chose either at this point. He fled first to the upper northeast corner but stopped feet short before fleeing because the the jet-black Bane was in the escapology gap. “Fuckin' Shit!! yelled Nick, he was petrified at Bane's ability to warp through the entire barn in mere seconds. It simply wasn't possible. He descended downward to escape through the gap between ground and door as his 2nd option for escape but was greeted by steel claws owned by Malice instead. She swiped her paw in precision, knocking Nick nearly unconscious and halfway bloody...just like your period...you bitch, LOL. Anyway, enough shenanigan's. Let' s focus.... So a half unconscious Nick the Robin is being dragged through the barn. He can see his helpless leader, Hannibal shedding tears in the upper portion of the barn looking down on him. But unwilling to sacrifice himself, like the sellout bitch that he was. He can see Bane and Malice's faces as they drag him towards their mother, Darth Talon. He was losing blood fast, but he noticed up on the sleeping platform Malice and Bane still sleeping in their beds. How could this be? His dying mouth agape sucking in every last scrap of oxygen that his earthly body would let him escape with. “How...???” was all that he could muster with his head gushing liquid crimson like a drinking fountain. Talon peered down into the face of Nick. “Decoys” she hissed to him. “Merely optical illusions!!” “Bullshit bitch!! That is obviously is more than an optical illusion. Hannibal belted as he frantically floated over toward the sleeping Bane and sleeping Malice. As his eyes achieved the desired pix elation (even spell check had issues with that word combo. I still say it's wrong but what the fuck do I know?) What Hannibal found was sheer terror. The sleeping kittens were stuffed cadavers. Apparently Talon and Tyranus had 4 kittens but 2 of them died as kittens. Instead of giving them a proper burial Talon had stuffed them with straw and twine, still singing lullabies to them like the crazy biznitch that she was-nitch. “Tommy and Maddy weren’t worthy of my bloodline.” said Talon to Nick but speaking loud enough that Hannibal could hear it too. “They had to be eliminated to maintain the high quality of product that we barn cats are known for.” “What product would that be?” shouted Hannibal as he choked back sobs. “We deal death” sneered Talon. “You psycho whore, you killed your own children because they weren’t up to your ridiculous standards?” Nick said through gurgled and fading breaths. “No, don’t be silly. I didn’t kill them. I’m their mother…Bane killed Tommy and Malice killed Maddy in fights to the death. Pitting siblings against each other just seemed slightly more biblical and poetic to me. I guess you could call me a sentimentalist in that regard. Tommy and Maddy never displayed any awareness of the force and in routine hunts they were loud and clumsy. Many meals were lost due to their flaws. However these two display powers equal to my own and by the time they are fully grown I expect them to be stronger than even their father was. Bane and Malice both reveled in that prospect. “So Nicky my boy, what is the news that you and your chickenshit friend came to tell me.” Asked Talon. Nick continued to lose blood quickly and could barely focus. Survival was more than likely out of the question but he made one last effort to break free of Bane and Malice’s clutches dislocating his right wing in the process. He screamed in pain as he frantically kicked his feet trying to spring upright and make a dash for the door but it was futile. The cats were too strong and he was too slashed-to-shit. Bane and Malice both laughed at Nick’s disposition. “Let him go!! He never hurt anyone!!” yelled Hannibal “Why don’t you come down here and take his place Hannibal.” Hannibal thought about it for a minute. “Let him go first, then I’ll come down.” said Hannibal Talon shook her head. “No you come down here first, I know what a sissy you are and you’ll just bolt as soon as release him. “ Hannibal pondered it briefly before he heard Talon say. “Too late bitch, hold him down” Bane and Malice held Nick to the barn floor face up, wings outstretched, so his red robin breast was fully exposed. She extended her blackened claw on her index finger and slowly cut him laterally across his abdomen. Then bane and Malice counted in unison “1,2,3, GO!!” Upon saying go, they both tandem punched Nick in the chest causing his entrails to fly out of him through the razor thin laceration that Talon had provided. Pieces of worms, berries, and Nicks internal business littered a 5 foot radius. Hannibal himself blew chunks all over the beam he was perched on. “You fucking savages!! When Archibald gets back the Primeline will take action on you bastards.” Talon laughed at Hannibal trying to speak between barf bursts. “Sure Hannibal, why don’t you just go tell everyone on the Primeline that you were making deals with the barn cats and selling out injured birds for scraps.” “You said you’d give the Robins immunity!!” shouted an enraged and puke soaked Hannibal. “Well then, I guess that makes you quite the douche for trusting me doesn’t it.” Laughed Talon as she played with Nick’s guts. Nick seemed to cringe at the touch of her claws. He was somewhere between the living and the dead. Ravens were the medium between the two realms of life and death and Nick could hear them coming. He welcomed the thought of the ravens carrying him to the spiritual world. He didn’t know what that world had in store for him, but even hell couldn’t be as bad as his last 10 minutes of life on earth. Nick began to speak in a whisper. “Don’t…any of you…have the fucking stones…to kill me?” Bane loomed over the face of the incapacitated Robin staring eye to eye, then exposed his fangs and bit deep into the face of poor Nick killing him instantly. Hannibal knew he was next if he stuck around any longer so he flew out of the hole in the northeast corner of the barn and made his way back to the Primeline where he was faced with quite the fucking dilemma. He knew that either he could play dumb about Nick being missing, or tell the truth and face the blood battering beat down he would receive.

Oscar Time!! 2008 Best Picture Nominees

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 19:07:00 +0000

I love the Oscars, sometimes I think that I'm the only one. All the truly great movies are usually represented there. However, most of the public knows nothing about the top nominees. I blame stupid society. I'm used to travesties such as Adam Sandler grossing more money in the opening weekend of his latest predictable drivel than true filmakers getting the credit and money they deserve. Matthew McCaunahay movies are all shit and thank god to the Oscars for realizing this. Box office numbers don't represent quality films. So we have the Oscars to reward people for not selling out for mass box office draw. True art is recognized for 1 night. The acceptance speeches are lame the music sucks and some Hollywood personality will say something dumb and try to get political. But oh well, I still like 'em. This blog may be used as a tool to let you know a little something about 5 movies that you may have never heard of. The Nominees for best picture are Michael Clayton, Atonement, Juno, There Will Be Blood, and No Country For Old Men.

MICHAEL CLAYTON: My Grade: 4/10

I am truly in the minority on this one. I really don't see what seperates this movie from so many other films. Oscar nominee!!! Are you kidding? George Clooney plays the same role in every movie and he gets an Oscar nod?? I swear to christ if he took a shit on a cracker, Hollywood would eat it, and tell the world it tastes like heaven. I get it man, you're anti-corporation, anti-war, and really cool. I have already seen him play this character a million times. (Think of him in "Out of Sight", pretty much the same dude with a different profession)I've also seen this plot a million times and it was 10 times better when it was called "The Constant Gardener". Individuals taking down huge corporations with no experience in doing that type of thing. Also multiple plot holes and unrealistic human reactions. Maybe if I went into this film before hype got ahold of it I would have appreciated it more. As it was, I watched this film after the multiple Oscar nominations and just didn't see how it could be a top 5 film of the year. I think the only movie that was more overrated this year was "American Gangster".
The only redeeming part of this movie was the character played by Tilda Swinton as a conflicted CEO of a multi billion dollar corporation. Her character actually had layers upon layers. She moved seemlessly from being an insecure newbie to the job to calling for assassination attempts on people that got in the way of the bottom line of her company. However, we could see her pain when she had to take it to that extreme. Normally i'm a huge Tom Wilkinson fan as well but his character was not believeable at all to me. I'm sure he did the best he could with the subject matter but it didn't translate into any type of sympathy or feeling for me. After this movie I felt like I just walked out of just another movie that was based on a John Grisham novel. Some decent points but overall just more of the same.

Osacar Nominations--
Best Picture
Best Director--
Best Lead Actor-- George Clooney
Best Supporting Actor-- Tom Wilkinson
Best Supporting Actress--Tilda Swinton

ATONEMENT: My grade: 7/10

I was sucked into this movie during the first 45 minutes that take place at the Tallis residence, a very large mansion with loads of property somewhere in England. I was intrigued the way it was shot with lush landscapes, close-ups on perfectly expressed faces, and overall the way the camera just seems to draw your eye in. The soundtrack is also flawless with tear inducing piano and the percussion of a typewriter typing in rythym. (Because most of the harm in the film comes from the letters that are typed) The first 3 scenes of the film are shot twice. The first from the eyes of a talented 13 year old Briony and how she misinterprets events from seeing them from afar, or coming in late on events. The 2nd time around they are shot so we know better the actual truth of the matter. Obviously we get the feel that she is going to confide in others what she has seen which would cause much heartbreak. It all seemed to be building to a wonderful climax with great character developement being the key... Then, bam!! you're hit with an extremely anti climatic arrest and the hero Robbie is taken from from the Tallis house into a life in the military working off a debt for a crime he didn't commit. This period in the film is not shot with the same grace, and the military segments don't really add anything to the actual story. It just draws the film out longer than needed so the last 30 minutes can fit in with the rest of the film. (Even though in many ways they don't) The "true" ending is somewhat of a cop-out but Vannessa Redgrave plays her 5 minutes on camera so well that you can forgive the misleading information. In fact, it's so beautifully tragic that it actually saved me from writing a much more scathing review than I have. I still think this movie is better than most, but since it's Oscar Time, and this is up for Best Picture then I have to be more critical. Keira Knightley also delivers a good performance but I don't blame the academy for leaving her out of the Lead Actress category. I put this movie ahead of Michael Clayton but not above the other 3 nominations.
Major nominations
Best Picture
Supporting Actress-- Saorise Ryan

JUNO: My Rating 9/10

I have to admit when I saw the list of movies for that were up for any of the major awards for the Oscars, Juno was the one that I was dreading. As a general rule, I hate teen comedies (probably because they suck) but I figured a movie directed by Jason Reitman (Thank You for Smoking) and starring Ellen Page (whom I fell in love with after seeing "Hard Candy"") I figured I'd suck it up and watch it. Imagine my surprise when I not only enjoyed it, but also liked it more than "There will be Blood" which was a movie I liked before I even saw it. The soundtrack is so unique I'm not sure what you'd call it other than "Modern Folk" but it works for the film flawlessly. Juno is the most loveable character that I've ever seen in a movie. She's flawed but she doesn't care, she's transformed into a social outcast but doesn't seem to care, and she has the most unique and interesting dialog and phrases that I've ever heard in a film. 99.9% of the young actresses would have made the words seem forced and lame but Ellen is ahead of the game and blends the overwritten screenplay speech into something that actually sounds like a real conversation. Her relationship with her father and stepmother is complicated but throughout the movie it flourishes into something beautiful, as does her relationship with her ex-boyfriend/best friend/baby's daddy played by Michael Cera.
Teen preganancy isn't a laughing matter but it's also not the end of the world. Christians have spoken out on this movie saying that movies like this are the reason teen pregnancy and abortion rates are so high. I say to them if anything this will decrease abortion rates because she decides to have the child and it in no way glorifies teen pregnancy because it doesn't make sex look fun in any way and it illustrates the complications of being preggers in high school. So to the nay-sayers out there I say "It's a social commentary that makes people think, get over yourselves and let people raise their own children instead of always trying to regulate art".
I can't express how pleased I was with this film. Last year at the Oscars Abigail Breslin was Little miss sunshine but her Olive Hoover character can't hold a candle to Ellen Page's Juno. Hat's off the the screen writer too. Even the usually dull Jennifer Garner played a somewhat interesting role.

Osacar Nominations
Best Lead Actess-- Ellen Page
Best Director- Jason Reitman
Best Picture

THERE WILL BE BLOOD: My rating 8/10

Oh yes, finally after nearly 6 years my favorite director has revealed his true masterpiece. This film starts relatively slow and boring without any dialogue for the first 20 minutes or so, but the mood is definately set with one of the most ominous and evil soundtracks I've ever heard in a movie. The music keeps you forever knowing that bad things are churning. The first time I watched this movie I was wondering why all the hype? I thought maybe Paul Thomas Anderson had lost his knack for being one of the greatest directors in history. But upon the second time of seeing it I realized that the reason for the boredum was to come full circle in the end and make sense.
Daniel Day Lewis plays Daniel Plainview, an "Oil Man" as he likes to say. He talks a good game and by taking his son H.W. around with him everywhere is able to sell people on giving up their land so he can suck it dry. Although he comes across as a shrewd businessman and decent father in the first half, by the midway point the audience realizes how truly sadistic he is. He hates anything and everything. He'll kill and assault anyone that enters his personal space. Honestly, he is the biggest dickhead I've ever seen in a movie, but you know what? You can't take your eyes off the screen anytime D.D. Lewis is on it. We're drawn to him like moths to a flame knowing it will cause only pain but embracing it because we see some of ourselves in his hatred and ambition. If Daniel Day Lewis doesn't win the Oscar for Lead Actor then I will be shocked. Viggo Mortenson from Eastern Promises is the only other role that could come close but even then, Viggo hasn't been a true acting force for long enough to warrant any votes from the academy. Another noteable performance comes from the relative newcomer Paul Dano (You know him as the mute dickhead son from last year's "Little Miss Sunshine") He plays two roles. Twin brothers Eli and Paul Sunday. His Eli character is what makes the movie click. As a passionate minister and champion to his flock. He is constantly bumping heads with Plainview and seems to be the only one that will stand up to him. The whole idea of religion vs. oil isn't shoved down our throats but it is in the foreground. Too many movies try to make a point about greed, government, religion. Thank god this one just tries to be a good movie. Which it pulls off extremely well. I'm not voting for this for best picture, because No Country as I've said many times deserves it more. Plus, as I've said it didn't suck me in until 45 minutes in. The final 2 hours blew me away. I will be voting for this film to win for Best Director because Paul Thomas Anderson has earned it after being snubbed by not winning with Magnolia and Boogie Nights. At least the Coen's (No country directors) have got previous recognition with Fargo.

Oscar nominations (major)
-Cinematography
-Best Picture
-Best Director-Paul Thomas Anderson
-Lead actor- Daniel Day Lewis (75% of the votes at the Golden Globes. He's a lock. Take that shit to Vegas Holmes!!)
-Adapted Screenplay
Noteable snub- Best Supporting Actor--Paul Dano

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: My rating 10/10

Rounding out the 5 films nomintaed for best picture is "No Country for Old Men". Believe me when I tell you this one is the best of the lot. If you like action and violence, this movie has it. If you like great dialogue and character developement, it has that too. If you like symbolism and metaphoric story telling, look no further. However, if you don't make the connections with some of the symbolism, the story will not be wasted on you because it speaks to the audience on a linear level too. The 3 main charatcers all represent 3 facets of society. Tommy Lee Jones plays an old timey sherriff that works a small town in Texas. He represents the way things used to be, back when he started his carreer, cops didn't even wear guns and he constantly reminds us how he has no capacity in his mind for the brutallity that humans are capable of doing to each other. He realizes evil is spreading throughout his community and there really isn't a whole lot he can do to keep it in check. This "evil" that he constantly alludes to is represented in it's purest form with the role played by Javier Bardem. His character is named Anton Chiggurgh some might say he has principles that transend money, compassion, and human nature in general. He kills without much thought, usually letting a coin flip decide the fate of the innocent people that stand in his way. He does it with style too, strangling a man with handcuffs, a silenced shotgun and his "cattle gun" which consists of a propane tank hooked to a hose that shoots out a small metal rod and sucks it back in therefore leaving no exit wound or bullet to be traced to him. It also comes in handy for breaking into houses because the power it has can blow dead bolt locks right off the door. He is nominated for best supporting actor but he's in the film enough that he easily could have been nominted for lead actor. As it is this way works out better because he will easily win supporting and that leaves Daniel Day Lewis being a lock for his role in "There Will be Blood". The 3rd and most important role is played by Josh Brolin. His Lewelyn Moss character displays a quiet no nonsense approach to life. While hunting in the desert he tracks some deerish looking animals to a drug deal gone terribly wrong. Dead mexicans, pitbulls, and a whole truckload of heroin. He also finds about 2 Million dollars in cash, providing the catalyst for the plot. He needs to escape from Chiggurgh with the money as Tommy Lee Jones tries to find him alive. Sounds pretty basic, but the Coen Brothers do such a masterful job of directing that we are constantly enthralled in the cat and mouse chase that never relents. This will be the only film of 2007 that will get a perfect 10 out of 10 rating from me. Even the great films this year still had shtortcomings. But not this one, easily the best movie I've seen in a while. I plan on buying the book by Cormac McCarthy. Usually the book is better than the movie, and if that's the case with this one, that'll be a good damn book!!

Major Oscar Nominations
Best Picture
Best Directors-Joel and Ethan Coen
Cinematography
Best Supporting Actor--Javier Bardem
and a shit ton of lesser awards such as editing, sound, adapted screenplay, etc.

"Bug" A new twist of the Horror Genre

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 16:05:00 +0000

Now obviously I haven't read every review on "Bug" but from what I have read, nobody seems to get what this movie is about and it's pissing me off because they seem to be watering down how powerful of a story and character study this truly is. *spoiler alert* Don't read if you haven't seen this movie yet!!!

This movie is about crystal meth and the effects it can have on people. It also deals with co-dependant psychosis that is common in meth addicts. It was disguised as cocaine in the movie to avoid being obvious as to what was really going on. But Ashley Judd's character was also a meth cook evident in her grocery supplies. I can see why people might be upset, movie goers that were expecting a piece of trash like "Cabin Fever" or "Eight Legged-Freaks" were actually treated to something more real like a "Requiem for a Dream" meets "Spun". I can see how that would make a person with an IQ of 15 or less, a little mad. (Go watch Pirates of the Carribean next time you unoriginal bastards)
I didn't see this movie in the theatre, but I just rented it over the weekend and I was able to watch it a couple times. The first time I saw this movie I thought the charcters were just plain crazy, but upon seeing it for the second time, the fact that this was a meth movie was so obvious.
Early in the film Ashley Judd's character Agnes goes to the grocery store and buys no food just certain household chemicals such as Drano, some kind of cleaning chemical, and Liquor. Meth heads rarely eat food, also evident when Peter picks them up breakfast and they barely touch the muffin that he bought for both of them to share. Goss' character (Agnes' ex-husband) mentioned on more than one occasion that Agnes had gotten thinner since he last saw her. Meth rots your teeth, that's why the earliest form of discomfort came from Peter's tooth. Next comes the chemical burns and constant picking at your skin to make you look like the walking dead. The sores and lesions were burns and and self mutilation. Not to mention that bugs on or under your skin is one of the most common side effects of bad drugs
If you've never been around people that are "spun" (a word to discribe a multi-day meth binge without sleeping for days) then I can see how you might think the acting was over the top. However, the paranoia is really that bad. I've known people like this and it's a tragic situation to be around. Conspiracy theories run rapant, usually its the cops that are everywhere, not the military but since Peter actually did have history in the military, his conspiracy theories are far more sinister than simple cops outside the door.
Peter was a mentally unstable meth addict that found someone that cooked meth and that he could stay with and have all the meth he wanted. Agnes was a broken woman with no sense of joy, and being in close quarters doing drugs with a madman was the only thing she had to hang onto after the loss of her son 10 years prior and an abusive ex-husband always threatening her. She follows Peter down the path to destruction and finds anyway to make Peter's theories make sense, no matter how far fetched. The sybolism used to illistrate that fact was done ingeniously when Peter leaves her during the night but then comes back and tells her the story of the doctors doing experiments on him in the military. The whole time Peter is telling the story from his side of the door we hear a survelence helicopter near the motel but when the camera is showing Agnes locked inside the bathroom we hear no helicopter. However, by the time that he is done telling his story we see Agnes shed a tear, and tell him she doesn't want him to go, and right after that we can hear the helicopter inside the bathroom with her now. This is great way of illustrating that she is now willing to follow Peter into his path of self destruction and insanity.
The Doctor at the end of the film represented the only thing that could restore Agnes to her right mind but when Peter kills him, it was the same as killing Agnes. The ending is painfully beautiful. They complete their mental transformation into the Drone and Queen bug. In their minds they light themselves on fire to save the human race because if they burn themselves and the motel then the bugs cannot escape into the world and infest other people. You can't help but feel for these characters. I normally don't like anything Ashley Judd does but this was far and away the best character developement I've seen in a movie since Eric Bana's character in Munich. The story of Agnes and Peter is one that I will never forget.
One knock I've heard on this film is that "It isn't scary". But for someone with a friend or family member that is actively using methanphetymine, this film is scarier than Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Psycho put together. 3 Thumbs up!!!

My spiritual journey: Christianity to Godnostic part 3 of 3: Walking through Hell to find peace.

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 20:24:00 +0000

When I left you last I was jobless, I had to move back in with my parents, I had just been dumped by Katie, and I was drinking constantly. Obviously, I can't blame all of this on my new found Atheism, but I think it was the final nail in my coffin to a full-blown downward spiral. I continued to write tortured poetry, and flaws of the gnostic religions. After I found out that Katie was already hooking up with guys within a week of our breakup I became extremely depressed. She was already in the process of falling out of love with me before the breakup, so for her it was an easier transition. I would have been fine if I thought she was just sitting around the house feeling sorry for herself like me. After being her everything, I felt that I must not have mattered as much to her as I thought. There was even a day when suicide didn't sound like a bad idea. Now that I had no fear of hell, what's the worst that could happen? Eternal sleep? That would have been fine. Then I snapped out of it and figured that I needed to stop being a pussy and letting someone else have control over my emotions. She is a great person, and I learned a lot about relatioships and love from her, but it was time to move on.
I didn't want to find a new job and work 9 to 5. I just wanted my bed, my bottle, and my pencil. I was in a rut and things needed to change. But ya know what they say about alcoholics, before it gets better, it has to get worse. Buckle the fuck up, this was a bumpy ride!!

My parents were cool about me moving back in but they still wanted me to get a job so I could pay some rent and keep up with my car payments. I milked that out for a long time by posting resumes on Monster.com and never checking the results. After a while I think I took my internal clock out of any type of work-like schedule. I was staying up until 6 or 7 in the morning and sleeping in until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. It was pretty patheitc waking up every morning knowing I hadn't done shit for yet another day. After a while I started running out of excuses for why I was always home and never looking for jobs so I took my show on the road. I packed up my Hyundai with a chair, cooler, cd's, and a backpack full of literature and notepads. I'd go to different parking lots in Williamston and sit in the passenger side of the car read, write, and drink. I would always get bored just sitting there so I decided to move my party over to the Meridian Mall. I spent many an afternoon in Schuler's books as I numbed myself to everything and focused on hypocracies. This atheism was giving me freedom, the freedom to go ahead and live life without consequence. Then "consequence" happened. After knocking back a pint in Schuler's I decided to go to Ruby Tuesday's and watch the '04 presidential election. While there, I had some more drinks and left. Apparantly when I left I was visually drunk because a security guard followed me out to my car and as soon as I put the key in the ignition he asked me to step out of the car. I blew a .23 BAC and had to do a couple days in jail and plenty of probation and fines. Not long after that I got a ticket for "disturbing the peace" because I ran from a cop when I was leaving a party. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I must have just thought it would have been funny. I got about 20 yards down the sidewalk until I derfed-out right on my face. The cop then put me in a wicked-fresh cross-face chicken wing. The most embarrassing thing that I ever did occured at a track meet. I was sitting in my lawn chair in the woods behind the Williamston Football field and Track. It was the first beautiful day of spring and I just wanted to be out in nature for the day. When I heard the PA start announcing the field events my mind traveled down memory lane. I was on the Williamston Track team in high school so I wanted to hang out with old coaches and former teammates that were currently coaching. I wanted to re-experience the atmosphere that I loved to compete in while in high school. There was only one problem, it was 5 O'clock pm and I had been drinking since 11 am. Therefore, I proceeded to make a complete dildo out of myself in front of peers, parents, athletes, and worst of all the coaches that I respected so much. Before long someone had called the cops and they had me escorted off the premises. Luckily I didn't get a fine, but I should have. I still worry that I will see one of those coaches in the grocery store someday and I will be too embarrassed to even walk up and apologize. I was disgusted, I stayed in bed for a day deliberating if the path that I was on spiritually was working out. Obviously it wasn't. I wanted to save myself from that type of embarrassment from ever happening again. So I vowed to hit the job search hard and limit my drinking to weekends. The money that I had saved was pretty much gone. I figured I'd do that after May 19, 2005. May 19 was the opening of Star Wars episode III and me and some of my dork-ass friends wanted to go tailgating at Celebration Cinema and go to an afternoon show after we had some drinks. After I had been there for about a half hour I got calls from both of my friends saying they couldn't make it. I figured I was already there and already had a fifth in my possession, so I decided to go it alone. I drank most of the fifth in the car and by the time I got into the theater I was on a different planet. I plopped myself into a chair and passed out about 5 minutes into the movie. I woke up just in time to see the credits. (that was $8 well spent) As I walked to my car I finished up what was left of the fifth that I had poured into my $5 cherry coke from the theater. I got in the car and everything seemed ok, but by the time I got onto the expressway things were not cool at all. It was crowded, raining, visibility was low, and worst of all, I was seeing double. I knew that I had to get off the expressway. I started getting so scared that I wasn't gonna live past the night. I wouldn't have the opportunity to do any of the things in life that I was so passionate about accomplishing. I started praying to a god that I had denied and and mocked. I was looking for anything to help me through. I don't know if a higher power intervened but simply by praying calmed me down and helped me focus on the task at hand. I got off on the Okemos exit and parked at Big Boy I racked my brain as to who I could call. I tried many of my friends and I got many voicemails. I didn't want to drive all the way back to Williamston so I went to anyones house I could think of in the area. I just wanted a place to sober up and crash for the night but every apt, house, or condo I went to was empty. Nobody was home and I had checked at least 7 places. Finally I decided that I needed to get home before it got too late. As I was driving down Beech st. in East Lansing I was playing with my radio and crashed into a telephone pole going about 15 miles per hour. I couldn't get it off the curb so I fled the scene because I knew I couldn't pass the breathalyzer if the cops showed up. I ended up sleeping inside a garage of a house that I lived at with my friends Kortney and Jason. Soon enough I woke up to a flashlight in my eyes, the cops apparantly tracked me with a scent dog from the accident site. That was DUI #2 and this time it didn't fall on deaf ears. I was actually somewhat relieved that I was being forced to take some steps to getting my issues taken care of.
I was in jail for a little longer this time. The first thing that I did when I got to jail was ask my mom to start looking for some in-patient rehab facilities. I figured if I told her that while I was so low emotionally. I couldn't go back on it after I got out. Jail was crazy this time around. I had a really scary roomate and he snored like a bear, every time I kicked his bed to get him to shut up he would threaten to kill me. What a tool!! I passed my time in jail reading Atheism: The Case Against God by George H. Smith. He made some good points to show flaws of religions. But after reading some of his opinions, I realized how hypocritical the Atheist viewpoint is. This smug bastard was so full of himself for apparantly having all the answers to everything. He was guilty of the same "faith" that he was attacking religious people for. If an atheist has the absolute faith that there isn't a god, isn't that the same thing as a christian that has absolute faith that there is a god? I think so, considering neither are proveable one way or the other, but they both debate like their views are facts. One of them is wrong or maybe they are both partially right or wrong who knows? The worst part is I knew that I was guilty of these douchebag crimes. This is when I read in Mr. Smith's book about what he called "weak atheists" also known as agnostics.
I was intrigued as I started to read about what the agnostics believe and it made me feel stupid that I was 24 years old and their views were honestly the only thing that made sense. I couldn't believe that it took me so long to embrace something that was so obvious. Agnostics believe that God is unknowable in this lifetime on earth. Maybe there is a god, maybe not. Since it is unprovable why debate about it like the christians and atheists? Why kill for gods in Holy Wars when you have no solid basis to take another's life other than a 2000 year old book? After getting out of jail I had all these ideas as to what I wanted to do with myself. I relaized I did want to go back to work and actually get on a regular schedule. My mom showed me some of the places that she was looking at for rehab and the best one for the cost and statistics was called Sundown M. Ranch in Yakama, Washington. I was excited as hell, not only was I gonna be getting some much needed maintenanece but I was also getting a chance to fly out to the west coast and hang out in the Yakama Valley.
I flew out there in June, it was a 27 day program. The schedule was strict but I loved it. I'll go into this whole rehab experience in depth in another blog because I can't do it justice within the context of this article. I will just touch on the spiritual aspects. In most recovery programs there are the 12 steps. In this program we were to complete the first 5 before we left. I had no problem with the first step which was admitting that I was out of control. I had no fear of steps 4 and 5 either. But steps 2 and 3 just didn't seem right. Step 2 is: "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". Step 3 is: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him." What kind of shit is that? So here I am an agnostic, who not even a month before was a devout atheist fighting off the myth of God on the frontlines, and I'm supposed to just change everything I believe in because I drink too much? I was too educated on religion and the idea of god to simply be scared into believing in whatever the counselor told me. They would find loopholes around the wording and say "your higher power doesn't have to be "God", it could simply be that chair over there." I would look at them and be like "How can that chair give me the inner strength to stop drinking?" They obviously had no answers for that.
It was crunchtime, I had finished my first step and tommorrow it was my turn to do the 2nd and 3rd steps. We had worksheets that we needed to do before we went to class and officially did them. These worksheets had a bunch of questions about our "God" and I had no answers. After becoming frustrated with the whole thing I decided to go outside at dusk while there was still some light outside. As I was walking around the beautiful complex I looked around at all the mountains and cliffs that surrounded me. The sky was shades of purple, orange, and pink. The temperature was 70 degrees with a slight breeze. Everything about this night was perfect. I walked over to the white picket fence that surrounded the facility and looked up towards the face of a cliff. There was a hawk gliding in the air on a current and although we were more than a mile away from one another I felt connected with it. It was just hovering their high in the air looking right at me. A feeling of euphoria filled me up. Actually to be honest, I felt like I had been inhaling nitrous oxcide (laughing gas). I just stood there and smiled at the fact that I finally felt some type of supernatural force come into my life. I knew that the God in the religious books was not the god that worked for me. I wanted something I could see and feel. I chose "nature" and all of god's creations to be my higher power. Ever since that day, I haven't had a day where the beauty on this planet hasn't absolutely blown my mind.
Now that I knew that I had a higher power it was time to work on my other issues. Not necessarily my drinking, but my mindset as an alcoholic. As an alcoholic I lived life as 2 different people. The person that I wanted people to see me as, and the secretive and unthuthful person that I was when I was alone. I got very good at calling people's bullshit in our group sessions at the Ranch and I started to just spill my guts to complete strangers about things I had done that none of my friends or family members knew about. It was very freeing, and I was liberated with how much better I felt by just telling the truth, instead of trying to give into my facade. Halfway into my time at Sundown Ranch I was leading our group meetings. I was also the guy people came to for help with their assignments and steps. After finishing that program I felt like I could do anything. I started going to AA meetings and slowly but surely I became numb to any types of negative feelings. After being in recovery programs for months as well as my time in jail, I heard so many stories of abuse, rape, child protective services, vehicular homocide, and every single other attrocity that can happen to people. I just lost the ability to be sad or upset about anything. I have been so blessed on this earth. I was born in America, I grew up on a lake, I have the greatest parents in the world, I have don't have any physical or mental disabilities, I have great friends, and I've had all the opportunities and advantages that anyone could ever need, and the cherry on top is a job and coworkers that make my carreer enjoyable everyday. There is no need to worry about the things that we have no control over. All we can do is enjoy life to the best of our ablities and do positive things for our fellow man and environment.
I still referred to myself as an agnostic for quite a while simply because there was no term in exsistence for what I really was. I was somebody that believed in a God but not in the context of any of the Holy books. I like to believe in an afterlife, but that's something that is completely unproveable as well. I will continue to try and live life as a good person and when I die if there is a heaven, I hope to go there. There can only be good to come out of a society if it's individuals believe that helping their fellow man can grant them passage to paradise. Atheists will probably call me gullible, but that's fine. I believe god communicates through different frequencies with everyone including the Atheists. It keeps our society diverse in faith as well as scientific progress. So what to call my new rligion, agnostic was simply too neutral. If my belief in god was a glass it would be at least 75% full. I was talking on the phone with my friend Andy one day and we were discussing my beliefs and Andy came up with the term "Godnostic". I liked it because it was pro-god but I still leave the possibility open that there may not be any divine creator because, if our belief in god is simply because we believe that nothing can be created without intelligent design, then what intelligently designed god? If you response is: God simply "is", then wouldn't that mean that the universe could just exsist? However, that is more philosophical than spiritual. I choose to believe, it makes my life more enjoyable. I've studied up on religion and I have honed it to custum fit my life and personality. I plan to keep Godnostisism very broad and flexible. Other religions have suffered by trying to sharpen and make too specific certain translations. Christianity has been broken into 2500 pieces which is pretty amazing considering they are all studying out of the same book!! Flexibility is the key.
I have a long way to go on my path of life. I'm not gonna turn this into an after school movie, because I do still drink on occasion. However, I only drink on weekends and usually even that is just Friday night. I'm an alcoholic and I enjoy drinking. I havn't been in any trouble in 2 years, and when I drink it's more of a social thing than a "drown my pain" kind of thing. It's not perfect, but I'm living my life and enjoying every second, when it all comes down to it isn't that experiencing the glory of God's greatest gift- Life?? Hope you enjoyed the 3 part series that has given a glimpse into some of my darkest and most uplifting experiences. Till next time, your favorite, and mine-- Tabor

My spiritual journey from Christian to Godnostic. Part 2 of 3: Breaking Free

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 15:20:00 +0000

Here we go again, part 2. I explained in the first blog that I became a christian by default. I never questioned what my parents told me in the ways of religion. However, I wasn't active in any capacity in that religion for another few years. My mom and I didn't start going to church regularly until I was in 4th grade. I think she waited that long because she didn't want to be one of those annoying parents that bring their really young kids to church that cry and throw temper tantrums throughout mass. Those types just end up pissing everybody off. Especially because those kids aren't even paying attention they're just there to ruin everyone's experience. My Dad never attended church with my mom and I because he was a protestant and we were going to a catholic church. (I think it's because he just didn't want to go, I didn't blame him) I think I enjoyed the idea of church for about 3 weeks, then it kinda went downhill. Christianity worked for me when it was purely about faith in Jesus and the afterlife but I hated church. I hated the fact that I had to wake up early on the one of the few days I got to sleep in. I didn't understand why mass averaged out to an hour and 15 minutes when it was an hour of the same shit week to week with a 15 minute sermon. People droning on with the same chants and responses to the preists words, most of whom were comatose and reciting words out of habit rather than actually understanding what they're saying. Sit, stand, kneel, stand, kneel,sit anyone who has been to a catholic mass can relate to this. Does god really care how our body's are positioned as we worship? Maybe when we kneel it sends out some type of dogmatic frenquency through our vocal cords and that's the only frenquency gods ears can hear. I still don't see why church had to be so repetitive. I listened to the sermon because that was the only thing that I got anything out of. It was a man interpreting the bible to draw parrallels to today's world, and that's actually effective and enlightening at times.
I also had to go to church school (CCD) that meant going to church in the morning on sunday, coming home, watching some football then right in the middle of the afternoon game I had to go right back to the parrish hall for a 2 hour class about the bible. This was a class taught by parents that didn't have teaching degrees. They just kinda winged-it and added their own little spins on every little thing. Needless to say, I never got into it. After being involved with that for 3 years I finally told my mom that I didn't care what the punishment would be, but there was no way in hell I was going back for my 8th grade year. I would have been able to be "confirmed" if I would have stuck with it for one more year but I couldn't handle it anymore. My mom wasn't thrilled with my attitude towards CCD but she understood.
In 10th grade, I moved from Byron to Williamston. The 2 towns were only about 25 miles away from one another but there was a huge contrast between the two. In Byron, I was only kid out of all my friends that had to go to church. In Williamston, almost every single one of my friends attended church. Even by surrounding myself with people of faith it didn't do anything for my steadily declining respect for the catholic church. I still considered myself a christian throughout this period, but attending church was by far the least favorite thing in my life.
Finally when I turned 18, my mom told me that I no longer had to go to church if I didn't want to. I felt bad that she was going to have to attend alone but I was ready to be done with church forever. I was happy to have my faith in Christ without having to conform to the bible's rules, attend church, or water my faith down with ritualistic BS. Luckily I didn't have to wait very long for my guilty conscience to stop pestering me to go to church with my mom because she just stopped going. One Sunday I came upstairs and saw my mom sitting on the couch reading a book during mass hours. I asked her why she wasn't at church and she told me that she hadn't went to church for the last couple weeks. I felt responsible somehow, maybe she stopped going because she didn't have anybody to go with. She went on to tell me all about how they were taking a collection plate around the church asking people to donate money to help the pedophile preists pay for their court fees. After that, I don't think that either of us ever set foot in a catholic church again. But that's fine, my mom and I have both grown so much stronger spiritually without the churches help.
About a week after I graduated from high school I started dating a beautiful young lady named Katie. Katie was everything that I wanted in a girl. Kind, gorgeous, smart, well mannered, and funny. She made me wanna be someone that I knew in my heart I wasn't. She was a 4.0 GPA student in high school with plenty of faith in Jesus, she was drug-free and a virgin. I basically got by with a slightly higher than a 2.0 GPA, my faith was shaky at best, I smoked pot on a daily basis, and I was not a virgin. But we loved each other and I hid much of my baggage from her. She ended up getting me to go to church again. Her mom was a hardcore christian, the type of lady that only listens to music that's christian themed. Her faith is everything to her, but inside her heart she is very depressed. She tries to make that pain go away by doing anything and everything for her family and friends, but she neglects herself in the process. Katie wasn't quite as gung-ho about church as her mom. She liked to sleep in as much as I did so we definately missed church more than we attended. When we did attend we started going to a nondenominational church because we were both disgusted by the catholic church that we attended in high school. The nondenominal church was the best christian stronghold I had ever been in. The people actually seemed to enjoy themselves, they laughed, danced, sang, and "felt the holy spirit" Although I never got into the cheesy christian rock I liked this church because it wasn't repetitve. Every week was different, if the pastor forgot something, no big deal, he'd do it next week. It felt more spontaneous and "from the heart" than Catholic church. Kate and I attended sporadically for the next few years, and it was fine. I liked the pastor and he actually gave me advice I could apply to my personal life. It's also kind of funny that the one pastor that actually got me to listen was also the one that started me on my journey away from christianity. I think maybe if I would have paid attention in church or CCD when I was younger I would have come to these conclusions earlier. Since I paid attention to Pastor Brad, I realized that the majority of these stories that he was referencing from the bible were not historically accurate, scientifically accurate, nor logical in the slightest sense. I was told the story of Jonah and the Whale and nearly burst out in laughter in the middle of the service. I started viewing the bible maybe not so much a text meant to be taken literally, but more as a guide to living a better life through stories and parables. (B.I.B.L.E. "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth") This made me thirst for knowledge, and therefore I did what very few christians do...I actually read the friggin' BIBLE!! I was intrigued with finding the truth about Jesus. I was a little taken aback when I found more detours, absurdities, and flat out hogwash the further I read. I wanted so desperately to believe in God and Heaven but to no avail. I started becoming skeptical and questioned everything faith-related. One night when I was 23, I was sitting in the living room watching Larry King Live. He had on a guest that looked familiar but I couldn't put a name with his face, this guest ended up being Bill Maher. He was very bold and unapologetic towards christianity, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I figured people would have been calling in to yell at him or threaten him with fire and brimstone, little did I know what a strong following he had. He was funny, but more importantly he was logical and intelligent from a common-sense perspective. He had a way of making the biblical doctrines sound so ridiculous that only a moron would believe them. He spoke the words I wanted to hear at that point in my life. I started slowly leaning towards atheism.
While Katie and I were living together I started bringing home books on atheism. I was still too much of a pansy to tell her that I wasn't a christian anymore so I made up some excuse that I was simply using these atheism books to get a different perspective than the christian perspective I had been fed my entire life. (Which was true in a sense) I also just assumed that all the great minds in the history of the world were christians. I thought words like Atheist and Heretic were the same thing as pure evil. As I researched I found that Atheism was no more than the absense of belief in god and that heresy was actually a beautiful thing. Heretic comes from a latin word that means "choice" . A heretic is nothing more than someone who chooses a different religion than the prominant one in their society. Therefore in the middle east a christian would be considered a heretic. As I did research I realized that the majority of the great minds in the world were Atheists. (Stephen Hawking, Ben Franklin, Isaac Asimov, Fredric Neitze, Karl Marx, Albert Einstein, Mark Twain, Magellan, Karl Sagan, Thomas Jefferson, Voltire, etc.) They all had expressed varying degrees of Atheism but all of them were 100% against the church. I figured if all the smart people of history were atheists then I wanted to weild that type of intellectual superiority over everyone. I basically became a flat-out asshole. I was one of those guys that would go into christian and muslim chat rooms and talk down to them about their faith. I statred being more open about my beliefs and I would debate people at work or in social settings to point out the flaws of their beliefs. I was so happy to be learning something, I wanted to flex my new found brain muscles over the weak minded. Since there was no consequence to my shitty attitude I basically started drinking everyday. I enjoyed knocking back shots of vodka as I read book after book on religions, governments, and philosophies. I started writing heavily. I wrote poems, short stories, 100 pages of a screenplay, chat rooms message boards, and anything else that was in the line of fire from my new found passion for knowledge. Due to the fact that I was in constant state of intoxication and high and mightiness, my relationship with Kate started falling apart slowly. It was a couple months coming when we finally broke up. I can't blame her, I always thought she was out of my league anyway.
I moved back home with my parents and continued on my search for knowledge. My drinking got worse and with all the pride I felt for finally breaking the shackles of christianity. I started becoming a person that I hated. The more I learned, the more I became jaded until their was nothing left but a guy that based his entire life around drinking and debating, nothing else mattered. I stopped going to my job and I guess you could say I was in a temporary state of depression. I guess ignorance is bliss, and I was much happier living in an artificial bubble than while I was exposed to my new reality. I had a long way to go spiritually and personally to get me back on my feet. Stay tuned to find out if I survived or not in the next edition of "That Tabor Guy". Oh and here's a list I found on the internet of biblical contradictions back in 2003 that steered me towards Atheism. Some are petty, but some are still pretty prominant. I would definately like some feedback from my christian readers regarding some of these claims. Till next time, your favorite, and mine-- Tabor

1. God is satisfied with his works
Gen 1:31
God is dissatisfied with his works.
Gen 6:6
2. God dwells in chosen temples
2 Chron 7:12,16
God dwells not in temples
Acts 7:48
3. God dwells in light
Tim 6:16
God dwells in darkness
1 Kings 8:12/ Ps 18:11/ Ps 97:2
4. God is seen and heard
Ex 33:23/ Ex 33:11/ Gen 3:9,10/ Gen 32:30/ Is 6:1/
Ex 24:9-11
God is invisible and cannot be heard
John 1:18/ John 5:37/ Ex 33:20/ 1 Tim 6:16
5. God is tired and rests
Ex 31:17
God is never tired and never rests
Is 40:28
6. God is everywhere present, sees and knows all things
Prov 15:3/ Ps 139:7-10/ Job 34:22,21
God is not everywhere present, neither sees nor knows all
things
Gen 11:5/ Gen 18:20,21/ Gen 3:8
7. God knows the hearts of men
Acts 1:24/ Ps 139:2,3
God tries men to find out what is in their heart
Deut 13:3/ Deut 8:2/ Gen 22:12
8. God is all powerful
Jer 32:27/ Matt 19:26
God is not all powerful
Judg 1:19
9. God is unchangeable
James 1:17/ Mal 3:6/ Ezek 24:14/ Num 23:19
God is changeable
Gen 6:6/ Jonah 3:10/ 1 Sam 2:30,31/ 2 Kings 20:1,4,5,6/
Ex 33:1,3,17,14
10. God is just and impartial
Ps 92:15/ Gen 18:25/ Deut 32:4/ Rom 2:11/ Ezek 18:25
God is unjust and partial
Gen 9:25/ Ex 20:5/ Rom 9:11-13/ Matt 13:12
11. God is the author of evil
Lam 3:38/ Jer 18:11/ Is 45:7/ Amos 3:6/ Ezek 20:25
God is not the author of evil
1 Cor 14:33/ Deut 32:4/ James 1:13
12. God gives freely to those who ask
James 1:5/ Luke 11:10
God withholds his blessings and prevents men from receiving
them
John 12:40/ Josh 11:20/ Is 63:17
13. God is to be found by those who seek him
Matt 7:8/ Prov 8:17
God is not to be found by those who seek him
Prov 1:28
14. God is warlike
Ex 15:3/ Is 51:15
God is peaceful
Rom 15:33/ 1 Cor 14:33
15. God is cruel, unmerciful, destructive, and ferocious
Jer 13:14/ Deut 7:16/ 1 Sam 15:2,3/ 1 Sam 6:19
God is kind, merciful, and good
James 5:11/ Lam 3:33/ 1 Chron 16:34/ Ezek 18:32/ Ps 145:9/
1 Tim 2:4/ 1 John 4:16/ Ps 25:8
16. God's anger is fierce and endures long
Num 32:13/ Num 25:4/ Jer 17:4
God's anger is slow and endures but for a minute
Ps 103:8/ Ps 30:5
17. God commands, approves of, and delights in burnt offerings,
sacrifices ,and holy days
Ex 29:36/ Lev 23:27/ Ex 29:18/ Lev 1:9
God disapproves of and has no pleasure in burnt offerings,
sacrifices, and holy days.
Jer 7:22/ Jer 6:20/ Ps 50:13,4/ Is 1:13,11,12
18. God accepts human sacrifices
2 Sam 21:8,9,14/ Gen 22:2/ Judg 11:30-32,34,38,39
God forbids human sacrifice
Deut 12:30,31
19. God tempts men
Gen 22:1/ 2 Sam 24:1/ Jer 20:7/ Matt 6:13
God tempts no man
James 1:13
20. God cannot lie
Heb 6:18
God lies by proxy; he sends forth lying spirits t deceive
2 Thes 2:11/ 1 Kings 22:23/ Ezek 14:9
21. Because of man's wickedness God destroys him
Gen 6:5,7
Because of man's wickedness God will not destroy him
Gen 8:21
22. God's attributes are revealed in his works.
Rom 1:20
God's attributes cannot be discovered
Job 11:7/ Is 40:28
23. There is but one God
Deut 6:4
There is a plurality of gods
Gen 1:26/ Gen 3:22/ Gen 18:1-3/ 1 John 5:7

Moral Precepts

24. Robbery commanded
Ex 3:21,22/ Ex 12:35,36
Robbery forbidden
Lev 19:13/ Ex 20:15
25. Lying approved and sanctioned
Josh 2:4-6/ James 2:25/ Ex 1:18-20/ 1 Kings 22:21,22
Lying forbidden
Ex 20:16/ Prov 12:22/ Rev 21:8
26. Hatred to the Edomite sanctioned
2 Kings 14:7,3
Hatred to the Edomite forbidden
Deut 23:7
27. Killing commanded
Ex 32:27
Killing forbidden
Ex 20:13
28. The blood-shedder must die
Gen 9:5,6
The blood-shedder must not die
Gen 4:15
29. The making of images forbidden
Ex 20:4
The making of images commanded
Ex 25:18,20
30. Slavery and oppression ordained
Gen 9:25/ Lev 25:45,46/ Joel 3:8
Slavery and oppression forbidden
Is 58:6/ Ex 22:21/ Ex 21:16/ Matt 23:10
31. Improvidence enjoyed
Matt 6:28,31,34/ Luke 6:30,35/ Luke 12:3
Improvidence condemned
1 Tim 5:8/ Prov 13:22
32. Anger approved
Eph 4:26
Anger disapproved
Eccl 7:9/ Prov 22:24/ James 1:20
33. Good works to be seen of men
Matt 5:16
Good works not to be seen of men
Matt 6:1
34. Judging of others forbidden
Matt 7:1,2
Judging of others approved
1 Cor 6:2-4/ 1 Cor 5:12
35. Christ taught non-resistance
Matt 5:39/ Matt 26:52
Christ taught and practiced physical resistance
Luke 22:36/ John 2:15
36. Christ warned his followers not to fear being killed
Luke 12:4
Christ himself avoided the Jews for fear of being killed
John 7:1
37. Public prayer sanctioned
1 Kings 8:22,54, 9:3
Public prayer disapproved
Matt 6:5,6
38. Importunity in prayer commended
Luke 18:5,7
Importunity in prayer condemned
Matt 6:7,8
39. The wearing of long hair by men sanctioned
Judg 13:5/ Num 6:5
The wearing of long hair by men condemned
1 Cor 11:14
40. Circumcision instituted
Gen 17:10
Circumcision condemned
Gal 5:2
41. The Sabbath instituted
Ex 20:8
The Sabbath repudiated
Is 1:13/ Rom 14:5/ Col 2:16
42. The Sabbath instituted because God rested on the seventh day
Ex 20:11
The Sabbath instituted because God brought the Israelites
out of Egypt
Deut 5:15
43. No work to be done on the Sabbath under penalty of death
Ex 31:15/ Num 15:32,36
Jesus Christ broke the Sabbath and justified his disciples in
the same
John 5:16/ Matt 12:1-3,5
44. Baptism commanded
Matt 28:19
Baptism not commanded
1 Cor 1:17,14
45. Every kind of animal allowed for food.
Gen 9:3/ 1 Cor 10:25/ Rom 14:14
Certain kinds of animals prohibited for food.
Deut 14:7,8
46. Taking of oaths sanctioned
Num 30:2/ Gen 21:23-24,31/ Gen 31:53/ Heb 6:13
Taking of oaths forbidden
Matt 5:34
47. Marriage approved
Gen 2:18/ Gen 1:28/ Matt 19:5/ Heb 13:4
Marriage disapproved
1 Cor 7:1/ 1 Cor 7:7,8
48. Freedom of divorce permitted
Deut 24:1/ Deut 21:10,11,14
Divorce restricted
Matt 5:32
49. Adultery forbidden
Ex 20:14/ Heb 13:4
Adultery allowed
Num 31:18/ Hos 1:2; 2:1-3
50. Marriage or cohabitation with a sister denounced
Deut 27:22/ Lev 20:17
Abraham married his sister and God blessed the union
Gen 20:11,12/ Gen 17:16
51. A man may marry his brother's widow
Deut 25:5
A man may not marry his brother's widow
Lev 20:21
52. Hatred to kindred enjoined
Luke 14:26
Hatred to kindred condemned
Eph 6:2/ Eph 5:25,29
53. Intoxicating beverages recommended
Prov 31:6,7/ 1 Tim 5:23/ Ps 104:15
Intoxicating beverages discountenanced
Prov 20:1/ Prov 23:31,32
54. It is our duty to obey our rulers, who are God's ministers
and punish evil doers only
Rom 13:1-3,6
It is not our duty to obey rulers, who sometimes punish the
good and receive unto themselves damnation therefor
Ex 1:17,20/ Dan 3:16,18/ Dan 6:9,7,10/ Acts 4:26,27/
Mark 12:38,39,40/ Luke 23:11,24,33,35
55. Women's rights denied
Gen 3:16/ 1 Tim 2:12/ 1 Cor 14:34/ 1 Pet 3:6
Women's rights affirmed
Judg 4:4,14,15/ Judg 5:7/ Acts 2:18/ Acts 21:9
56. Obedience to masters enjoined
Col 3:22,23/ 1 Pet 2:18
Obedience due to God only
Matt 4:10/ 1 Cor 7:23/ Matt 23:10
57. There is an unpardonable sin
Mark 3:29
There is not unpardonable sin
Acts 13:39

Historical Facts

58. Man was created after the other animals
Gen 1:25,26,27
Man was created before the other animals
Gen 2:18,19
59. Seed time and harvest were never to cease
Gen 8:22
Seed time and harvest did cease for seven years
Gen 41:54,56/ Gen 45:6
60. God hardened Pharaoh's heart
Ex 4:21/ Ed 9:12
Pharaoh hardened his own heart
Ex 8:15
61. All the cattle and horses in Egypt died
Ex 9:3,6/ 14:9
All the horses of Egypt did not die
Ex 14:9
62. Moses feared Pharaoh
Ex 2:14,15,23; 4:19
Moses did not fear Pharaoh
Heb 11:27
63. There died of the plague twenty-four thousand
Num 25:9
There died of the plague but twenty-three thousand
1 Cor 10:8
64. John the Baptist was Elias
Matt 11:14
John the Baptist was not Elias
John 1:21
65. The father of Joseph, Mary's husband was Jacob
Matt 1:16
The father of Mary's husband was Heli
Luke 3:23
66. The father of Salah was Arphaxad
Gen 11:12
The father of Salah was Cainan
Luke 3:35,36
67. There were fourteen generations from Abraham to David
Matt 1:17
There were but thirteen generations from Abraham to David
Matt 1:2-6
68. There were fourteen generations from the Babylonian captivity
to Christ.
Matt 1:17
There were but thirteen generations from the Babylonian
captivity to Christ
Matt 1:12-16
69. The infant Christ was taken into Egypt
Matt 2:14,15,19,21,23
The infant Christ was not taken into Egypt
Luke 2:22, 39
70. Christ was tempted in the wilderness
Mark 1:12,13
Christ was not tempted in the wilderness
John 2:1,2
71. Christ preached his first sermon on the mount
Matt 5:1,2
Christ preached his first sermon on the plain
Luke 6:17,20
72. John was in prison when Jesus went into Galilee
Mark 1:14
John was not in prison when Jesus went into Galilee
John 1:43/ John 3:22-24
73. Christ's disciples were commanded to go forth with a staff
and sandals
Mark 6:8,9
Christ's disciples were commanded to go forth with neither
staffs nor sandals.
Matt 10:9,10
74. A woman of Canaan besought Jesus
Matt 15:22
It was a Greek woman who besought Him
Mark 7:26
75. Two blind men besought Jesus
Matt 20:30
Only one blind man besought Him
Luke 18:35,38
76. Christ was crucified at the third hour
Mark 15:25
Christ was not crucified until the sixth hour
John 19:14,15
77. The two thieves reviled Christ.
Matt 27:44/ Mark 15:32
Only one of the thieves reviled Christ
Luke 23:39,40
78. Satan entered into Judas while at supper
John 13:27
Satan entered into him before the supper
Luke 22:3,4,7
79. Judas committed suicide by hanging
Matt 27:5
Judas did not hang himself, but died another way
Acts 1:18
80. The potter's field was purchased by Judas
Acts 1:18
The potter's field was purchased by the Chief Priests
Matt 27:6,7
81. There was but one woman who came to the sepulchre
John 20:1
There were two women who came to the sepulchre
Matt 28:1
82. There were three women who came to the sepulchre
Mark 16:1
There were more than three women who came to the sepulchre
Luke 24:10
83. It was at sunrise when they came to the sepulchre
Mark 16:2
It was some time before sunrise when they came.
John 20:1
84. There were two angels seen by the women at the sepulchre, and
they were standing up.
Luke 24:4
There was but one angel seen, and he was sitting down.
Matt 28:2,5
85. There were two angels seen within the sepulchre.
John 20:11,12
There was but one angel seen within the sepulchre
Mark 16:5
86. Christ was to be three days and three nights in the grave
Matt 12:40
Christ was but two days and two nights in the grave
Mark 15:25,42,44,45,46; 16:9>
87. Holy ghost bestowed at pentecost
Acts 1:8,5
Holy ghost bestowed before pentecost
John 20:22
88. The disciples were commanded immediately after the
resurrection to go into Galilee
Matt 28:10
The disciples were commanded immediately after the
resurrection to go tarry at Jerusalem
Luke 24:49
89. Jesus first appeared to the eleven disciples in a room at
Jerusalem
Luke 24:33,36,37/ John 20:19
Jesus first appeared to the eleven on a mountain in Galilee
Matt 28:16,17
90. Christ ascended from Mount Olivet
Acts 1:9,12
Christ ascended from Bethany
Luke 24:50,51
91. Paul's attendants heard the miraculous voice, and stood
speechless
Acts 9:7
Paul's attendants heard not the voice and were prostrate
Acts 26:14
92. Abraham departed to go into Canaan
Gen 12:5
Abraham went not knowing where
Heb 11:8
93. Abraham had two sons
Gal 4:22
Abraham had but one son
Heb 11:17
94. Keturah was Abraham's wife
Gen 25:1
Keturah was Abraham's concubine
1 Chron 1:32
95. Abraham begat a son when he was a hundred years old, by the
interposition of Providence
Gen 21:2/ Rom 4:19/ Heb 11:12
Abraham begat six children more after he was a hundred years
old without any interposition of providence
Gen 25:1,2
96. Jacob bought a sepulchre from Hamor
Josh 24:32
Abraham bought it of Hamor
Acts 7:16
97. God promised the land of Canaan to Abraham and his seed
forever
Gen 13:14,15,17; 17:8
Abraham and his seed never received the promised land
Acts 7:5/ Heb 11:9,13
98. Goliath was slain by Elhanan
2 Sam 21:19 *note, was changed in translation to be
correct. Original manuscript was incorrect>
The brother of Goliath was slain by Elhanan
1 Chron 20:5
99. Ahaziah began to reign in the twelfth year of Joram
2 Kings 8:25
Ahaziah began to reign in the eleventh year of Joram
2 Kings 9:29
100. Michal had no child
2 Sam 6:23
Michal had five children
2 Sam 21:8
101. David was tempted by the Lord to number Israel
2 Sam 24:1
David was tempted by Satan to number the people
1 Chron 21:1
102. The number of fighting men of Israel was 800,000; and of
Judah 500,000
2 Sam 24:9
The number of fighting men of Israel was 1,100,000; and of
Judah 470,000
1 Chron 21:5
103. David sinned in numbering the people
2 Sam 24:10
David never sinned, except in the matter of Uriah
1 Kings 15:5
104. One of the penalties of David's sin was seven years of
famine.
2 Sam 24:13
It was not seven years, but three years of famine
1 Chron 21:11,12
105. David took seven hundred horsemen
2 Sam 8:4
David took seven thousand horsemen
1 Chron 18:4
106. David bought a threshing floor for fifty shekels of silver
2 Sam 24:24
David bought the threshing floor for six hundred shekels of
gold
1 Chron 21:25
107. David's throne was to endure forever.
Ps 89:35-37
David's throne was cast down
Ps 89:44

Speculative Doctrines

108. Christ is equal with God
John 10:30/ Phil 2:5
Christ is not equal with God
John 14:28/ Matt 24:36
109. Jesus was all-powerful
Matt 28:18/ John 3:35
Jesus was not all-powerful
Mark 6:5
110. The law was superseded by the Christian dispensation
Luke 16:16/ Eph 2:15/ Rom 7:6
The law was not superseded by the Christian dispensation
Matt 5:17-19
111. Christ's mission was peace
Luke 2:13,14
Christ's mission was not peace
Matt 10:34
112. Christ received not testimony from man
John 5:33,34
Christ did receive testimony from man
John 15:27
113. Christ's witness of himself is true.
John 8:18,14
Christ's witness of himself is not true.
John 5:31
114. Christ laid down his life for his friends
John 15:13/ John 10:11
Christ laid down his life for his enemies
Rom 5:10
115. It was lawful for the Jews to put Christ to death
John 19:7
It was not lawful for the Jews to put Christ to death
John 18:31
116. Children are punished for the sins of the parents
Ex 20:5
Children are not punished for the sins of the parents
Ezek 18:20
117. Man is justified by faith alone
Rom 3:20/ Gal 2:16/ Gal 3:11,12/ Rom 4:2
Man is not justified by faith alone
James 2:21,24/ Rom 2:13
118. It is impossible to fall from grace
John 10:28/ Rom 8:38,39
It is possible to fall from grace
Ezek 18:24/ Heb 6:4-6, 2 Pet 2:20,21
119. No man is without sin
1 Kings 8:46/ Prov 20:9/ Eccl 7:20/ Rom 3:10
Christians are sinless
1 John 3: 9,6,8
120. There is to be a resurrection of the dead
1 Cor 15:52/ Rev 20:12,13/ Luke 20:37/ 1 Cor 15:16
There is to be no resurrection of the dead
Job 7:9/ Eccl 9:5/ Is 26:14
121. Reward and punishment to be bestowed in this world
Prov 11:31
Reward and punishment to be bestowed in the next world
Rev 20:12/ Matt 16:27/ 2 Cor 5:10
122. Annihilation the portion of all mankind
Job 3: 11,13-17,19-22/ Eccl 9:5,10/ Eccl 3:19,20
Endless misery the portion of all mankind
Matt 25:46/ Rev 20:10,15/ Rev 14:11/ Dan 12:2
123. The Earth is to be destroyed
2 Pet 3:10/ Heb 1:11/ Rev 20:11
The Earth is never to be destroyed
Ps 104:5/ Eccl 1:4
124. No evil shall happen to the godly
Prov 12:21/ 1 Pet 3:13
Evil does happen to the godly
Heb 12:6/ Job 2:3,7
125. Worldly good and prosperity are the lot of the godly
Prov 12:21/ Ps 37:28,32,33,37/ Ps 1:1,3/ Gen 39:2/
Job 42:12
Worldly misery and destitution the lot of the godly
Heb 11:37,38/ Rev 7:14/ 2 Tim 3:12/ Luke 21:17
126. Worldly prosperity a reward of righteousness and a blessing
Mark 10:29,30/ Ps 37:25/ Ps 112:1,3/ Job 22:23,24/
Prov 15:6
Worldly prosperity a curse and a bar to future reward
Luke 6:20,24/ Matt 6:19,21/ Luke 16:22/ Matt 19:24/
Luke 6:24
127. The Christian yoke is easy
Matt 11:28,29,30
The Christian yoke is not easy
John 16:33/ 2 Tim 3:12/ Heb 12:6,8
128. The fruit of God's spirit is love and gentleness
Gal 5:22
The fruit of God's spirit is vengeance and fury
Judg 15:14/ 1 Sam 18:10,11
129. Longevity enjoyed by the wicked
Job 21:7,8/ Ps 17:14/ Eccl 8:12/ Is 65:20
Longevity denied to the wicked
Eccl 8:13/ Ps 55:23/ Prov 10:27/ Job 36:14/ Eccl 7:17
130. Poverty a blessing
Luke 6:20,24/ Jams 2:5
Riches a blessing
Prov 10:15/ Job 22:23,24/ Job 42:12
Neither poverty nor riches a blessing
Prov 30:8,9
131. Wisdom a source of enjoyment
Prov 3:13,17
Wisdom a source of vexation, grief and sorrow
Eccl 1:17,18
132. A good name is a blessing
Eccl 7:1/ Prov 22:1
A good name is a curse
Luke 6:26
133. Laughter commended
Eccl 3:1,4/ Eccl 8:15
Laughter condemned
Luke 6:25/ Eccl 7:3,4
134. The rod of correction a remedy for foolishness
Prov 22:15
There is no remedy for foolishness
Prov 27:22
135. A fool should be answered according to his folly
Prov 26:5
A fool should not be answered according to his folly
Prov 26:4
136. Temptation to be desired
James 1:2
Temptation not to be desired
Matt 6:13
137. Prophecy is sure
2 Pet 1:19
Prophecy is not sure
Jer 18:7-10
138. Man's life was to be one hundred and twenty years
Gen 6:3/ Ps 90:10
Man's life is but seventy years
Ps 90:10
139. The fear of man was to be upon every beast
Gen 9:2
The fear of man is not upon the lion
Prov 30:30
140. Miracles a proof of divine mission
Matt 11:2-5/ John 3:2/ Ex 14:31
Miracles not a proof of divine mission
Ex 7:10-12/ Deut 13:1-3/ Luke 11:19
141. Moses was a very meek man
Num 12:3
Moses was a very cruel man
Num 31:15,17
142. Elijah went up to heaven
2 Kings 2:11
None but Christ ever ascended into heaven
John 3:13
143. All scripture is inspired
2 Tim 3:16
Some scripture is not inspired
1 Cor 7:6/ 1 Cor 7:12/ 2 Cor 11:17

My spiritual journey- Christianity to Godnostic part 1 of 3: The preprogramming of christianity.

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 12:55:00 +0000

It's been a 5 year long hobby of mine to visit numerous religious chatrooms to watch the banter of the Atheists that go to Christian rooms to blast Christians for being morons, and then in turn watching the Christians try to "save" the people in Atheist chat rooms. It just blows my mind that there are so many people on this earth that are either 100% positive that there is a god or 100% sure that there isn't a god. How can these people be 100% on something that is absolutely unprovable?? I don't mean this as a blast on either Christians or Atheists because everybody is entitled to their own beliefs. Plus the Atheist/Christian debate is the most prominant religious debate in America (Sorry Muslims). I have experience on both sides of this fence, and this is the tale I will tell you about my journey that I have made from birth and my evolution starting as a christian for the first 22 years of my life, to dabbling in atheism, eventually discovering the beauty of neutrality in agnostism, and finally defining a new religion that my friend and fellow blogger (The Revolution)coined, Godnostisism.

As a former Catholic kid growing up in a small town in mid-Michigan, I understand the pressures faced when everyone you've encounterd in your lifetime has been telling you that Jesus is everything. How can a child understand the complexilties of Christianity when all that child gets is one side of the story?
I grew up in a neighborhood that was chock full of the largest Catholic family in the township of Byron, the Cormiers. The Cormiers owned 4 houses and 3 trailers in my neighborhood. The eldest Cormiers had many children and their children all had kids by the litter. I was a nature lover since birth, and as a child enjoyed being outside in the lake, woods, and fields as much as possible. So I had constant contact with the Cormier clan because their were always a few of them running around. Donna Cormier was my babysitter for the first three years of my life. Donna was the choir leader and main singer in the choir at the local catholic church. Her husband Curry, was the Deacon of that church. Some of my first memories were of me toddling around their enormous house looking at pictures of Jesus, crucifixes, inspirational bible passages written across paintings and hung on the wall. I remember Donna singing and humming different psalms and contemporary christian music as she tidied the house. I remember how loving both her and her husband were towards everybody. These were "true" christians. They did not push their beliefs on anybody or condemn anyone to hell for believing differently than them. I also remember Donna's 2nd to the youngest son, Paris. Paris was always one of my favorites of the Cormiers. Paris always made time for me. I remember how lucky I felt that a 17 year-old like Paris wanted to hang out with a 7 year-old kid like me. We would sit in his basement and play Atari for hours. Being only 7, I never caught on to the fact that that Paris was a little slow mentally and he was also an epileptic that would have Grand Mal seizures. (I never witnessed one of his seizures) I don't think Paris really had any friends his own age and I think he was happy for my company. One summer when I was 7 and starting first grade, the Cormier clan had their annual family reunion and about 150 Cormiers from around the world would come out with rv's and tents and set up for a week or so to visit with family, worship together, eat, and of course, go swimming off the high dive. I remember it was a weekday and there were about 50 of us kids swimming and diving, way too many kids for the adults to keep their eyes on all of us. I was playing king of the raft with some of my friends and all of the sudden it started raining. We all swam back to shore and went back up to the house to dry off. After about 15 minutes people started asking if anyone had seen Paris. Panic swept the room because everyone knew of his condition and if he were to have a seizure in the water there would be no hope for him unless someone saw him go under. After calling for him for a few minutes Donna called the authorities. Police, Ambulance, and recue teams came from all the neighboring towns to search for this 17 year-old boy. It seemed like an eternity waiting for any sign of Paris. Finally after an hour or so my mom decided it was best for me to walk back up the hill and go to bed because it was past my bedtime. I think it was more because she didn't want me to be traumatized when the inevitable happened and they pulled Paris to the surface. The next morning I woke up and as I was eating my breakfast I asked my mom if they had found Paris. She said "yes" I said "good" and then as she was trying to fight off the tears she said to me "No honey, he was dead". It was a hard concept to grasp, so she did what most parents would, she told me all about Heaven and that Paris was in a better place. Naturally I believed it, why wouldn't I? My mom said it and that was always good enough for me. I remember this tragedy also gave me the opportunity to witness the power of faith. At his funeral I remember how positive Donna was, of course she was sad and she couldn't help but shed some tears but her faith in Christ was so strong that she was able to praise his name and thank god for letting her be a part of Paris' life. She never once became spiteful or vindictive towards god. I'm still in awe of the power that faith had given her.
By the time Paris had died I was already in first grade, and although I lived in Byron my whole life, I spent young fives and and kindergarten at Highland Elementary because it was easier for my mom to drop me off and pick me up from school. But my first grade experience took me a little while to make new friends at a new school because I was somewhat shy as a kid. But a couple months in, I finally made a friend and his name was Robert. Robert was a very friendly and outgoing blonde kid that had the same priorities as me, Transformers and He-Man. Due to these similarities we formed a pretty solid friendship. I remember coming home from school and telling my mom and dad about my new friend. For the next week I was in a fierce competition for "best friend" status with Robert. My nemisis was a scrappy ruffian named Shawn Groves. Shawn and Robert were friends before I showed up to Byron Elementary. However, what I lacked in longevity I made up for with my superior knowledge of He-Man and all the storylines of Eternia. This made Shawn mad. I was fine with being a trio but Shawn wanted Robert to himself. I was punched and threatened at recess for that entire week. I didn't realize that was the easy part of being friends with Robert. The next week I came to class expecting to see Robert and Shawn...I only saw Shawn. He didn't look good and the entire class was being pretty quiet, it just didn't feel right. A few minutes later my teacher Mrs. Elbract came in and asked for our attention. She told us that Robert died last night. Apparantly his dad's car stalled on the train tracks and his dad was able to get out of the seat belt and to safety but Robert didn't have enough time. I didn't question it at the time, but looking back it sounds pretty fishy. Anyway, Mrs. Elbract gave us the story of Heaven and God's "mysterious ways" (pretty ballsy for a public school)and when I got home I got the same thing from my parents. Although it was confusing, I didn't hesitate to buy into it. Afterall, I was only 7 years old and I had just lost 2 of my friends in one year. I wanted to believe that they were in some type of paradise not any of the alternatives. (By the way, Shawn Groves and I ended up becoming best friends and are still close today) And so it went for years that I considered myself a christian. And that's gonna be my main point about christianity. It's passed down from generation to generation and the majority of these people never question what they've been raised to believe since birth. It's the easiest way to explain death to a child because there's no finality and life as a spirit goes on. It's not that it's the most rational or factual religion in America, but it's the most accepted. A politician in America could never run for president if they are not Christian. Even if every view they support directly conflicts with Jesus' teachings, if they say that they're Christian that's like the gold seal of approval. But why? Only 2 of the 10 commandments are actual laws in America (Killing and Stealing). Why should everybody have to be a christian to get elected? I'll tell you, morality. Also even more shockingly, I understand why people feel like that. Not very many Americans like the idea that a person of power doesn't fear god, I don't either. The destruction caused could be limitless without the fear of consequence from a superior power. An American president would be the the dominant force to exude that type of power. We've got money, nukes, and Football we could turn the rest of the world into a wasteland within a day. Therefore it's importanat for americans to have a president that is on some type of invisable leash. If I feel that way, then I know that the majority of the American voting block does. Even though I sincerely believe that people can still be morally righteous without religion I don't want to experiment by giving a person with no faith that type of limitless power. It is my sincere belief that religion was created in order to keep humans in check, and it seems to have had at least some success over the years. So I guess even non christians shouldn't try to fix something that isn't broken. These last few sentences make me realize what a hypocrite I am, because I also don't think that religion should play a role in schools, law-making, or politics in general. I guess you could say I'm in a conundrum. I guess I want politicians to fear god, just not to push god on society. So concludes part one of this blog that I have no idea how many parts it will end with. Your favorite, and mine--Tabor

The cancer that is: Illegal Immigration

noreply@blogger.com (TABOR) — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 17:04:00 +0000

Obviously the issue of illegal immigration is a huge topic for discussion in America today, and it should be. It's pretty apparent that the politicians in Washington aren't gonna do a damn thing about it. I'm sorry that the quality of life isn't great in Mexico, but why should America be forced to bear the burden for Mexico's corruption? I'm all in favor of America looking out for ourselves, which we haven't done recently. With debacles like Vietnam, the Iraq War, and Bosnia I thought we would have stopped trying to help everybody else while we denied ourselves the glory that America can accomplish for her own citizens. I personally have friends on both sides of this argument. My liberal friends are too afraid to be labeled as racists to oppose illegal aliens. My friends that lean to the right are absolutely opposed to immigration in any form. The "right-leaning" friends seem to be in direct contrast to the right-wing politicians in Washington. I suppose the fact that the hispanic voting block in America is huge and anyone that wants to stand a chance at getting elected needs those votes. Also I suppose it could be because the majority of those politicians are getting their campaign contributions from large corporations. These are the same corporations that are benefitting from the fact that these illegals are working for low-as-dirt wages. Which brings me to my first point.

--"Illegal aliens are not doing jobs that Americans wont do." Americans do the same jobs as anyone else. The reason that Mexicans are taking so many jobs from Americans is because they can afford to do them for less than minimum wage. The CEO's end up with an extra 50 million per year in take home pay, but middle class American families cannot survive on minimum wage or less. However, if you're Mexican and you work in America for 6 months out of the year and spend the other 6 months in Mexico, you could live like a king. That's taking money out of our already fragile economy and giving it to Mexico. Why should we be letting a country that so openly hates us, steal away so much of our money and jobs?

--Work is not necessarily the only reason illegals come to America: For many illegals, America is seen as a land of opportunity. Not to work hard and live the American dream, but more to find loopholes and exploit them. 33% of our prison population is illegals from Mexico. Just think about how enormous of a number that is. You gotta figure in America there are so many different categories of people. (Caucasian, African American, Asian, Native American, Latino) then you have all those categories broken down into sub categories such as (born here, immigrant, illegal alien) and a friggin' THIRD of our prison population are Mexican illegals. That's where stats cease to be mere numbers and should be more like a slap upside the head from a 200 pound gorilla. Wake up!!

--Another common loophole is our Welfare system. Up to 42 percent of illegals are on welfare. That's America helping law breakers for not doing anything but sit on their asses and steal from us. People are branded as racist if they suggest that dependency on welfare had become a way of life in inner cities, or that an extremely liberal welfare system was contributing to the family breakdown and juvenile delinquency urban areas. If nothing is ever expected of you, and things are handed to you free of cost for your entire life why would you want to aspire to actually do something for yourself? I'm against lifetime welfare for U.S. born Americans so you can imagine how pissed I get when 42% of illegals are getting it. Welfare should only be available for American citizens and even they should only get it for 6 months per every 3 years. If we actually force some of the dregs of our society to contribute to our economy instead of mooching off it, they would be better off and so would the economy. Households headed by illegal aliens imposed more than $26.3 billion in costs on the federal government in 2002 and paid only $15 billion in taxes, creating a net fiscal deficit of almost $11.4 billion, or $3,100 per illegal household. That's not peanuts!!

--The guest worker program is not the answer to helping Americans: Let's just pretend for a minute that the morons are right when they say, "Mexicans are only doing the jobs that americans won't do." Like their aren't U.S. born Americans that pick lettuce or mow lawns. Give me a break!! Well it turns out that people involved with the guest worker program are being granted H-1B visas that allow them to apply for many great jobs that any American would want. Accountants, Administrators, Programmers, computer scientists, Various engineers, Technicians, Research Associates, Lawyers, Tax Analysts, Teachers, Nurses, Med-Techs, Pharmacists Dental Assistants, Architects, and Day Care to name a few. Every time an alien gets hired in to one of these jobs, it's taking it away from an American citizen. That includes screwing over the the American-born Latino population. This is not a "race" thing, which is what the pro-illegal activists are turning it into. It's a "country thing" and as American citizens it's important for us to want what's best for our country. In March 2003, the American Engineering Association reported that the US high tech sector lost 560,000 jobs between January 2001 and December 2002. It is worthwhile to note that during the same period companies sponsored more H1B and other "temporary" visas than the numbers of jobs lost. Obviously, there could not have been a shortage but employers simply wanted cheaper labor.

--The word "illegal" means it's against the law. Just because you think it's right doesn't change the fact that it's illegal. I think they should legalize marijuana, that doesn't mean I shouldn't be prosecuted if I'm caught with weed on my person.

--Illegal aliens bring Americans Third World Momentum. That includes crime, drugs and diseases. Sooner or later, every American community and millions of Americans will be affected as we allow three million illegal aliens breaching our borders annually without regard to their health, criminal background or drug expansion endeavors.

--In 2003, 77 border state hospitals spiraled into bankruptcy. This is because of the millions of people showing up to hospitals without insurance. 65% of whom were illegal aliens.

--In five years, 16,000 cases of multi-drug-resistant tuberculosis breached the Mexican border. In three years, 7,000 cases of leprosy (Hansen's Disease) arrived with immigrants from India, Brazil and the Caribbean. Tens of thousands of cases of hepatitis A transplanted into America. Another South American disease, affecting 14 million and killing 50,000 annually, Chagas Disease, a parasite that attacks the heart and other organs, invades U.S. borders in the bodies of the unchecked illegal aliens.

--The problem of illegal aliens and identity theft: Behind many of the nation’s millions of undocumented workers are someone else's documents. To get a job, illegal immigrants need a Social Security number, and they often borrow one. It's estimated that about 100 thousand or more Americans are sharing their identities with immigrants and don't even know it. If somebody uses your number to get a credit card or car loan, the nation's credit bureau creates a new credit file instead of telling you about it. Just imagine what someone could do to things such as your credit score if they had your identity and there were permanent repercussions for them.

--95% of Mexicans are Catholic. Do we really need any more Catholics? Not really, people that have 12 children because they believe condoms are evil, and people that call someone like the Pope infallible because he wears a funny hat aren't gonna do much for our quality of life as Americans. Over population is gonna be a huge problem in this country with all the Mexicans pouring in here and trying to have as many kids as possible. With this overpopulation comes the cost of America's identity. I don't want Spanish to become a mandatory language in this country.

-- The academic quality of US citizens is dropping because of immigrants. Especially when you consider 66% of Mexican immigrants are high school dropouts and only 4% go on to finish college. Mexican immigration has increased the number of dropouts in the U.S. workforce by 11 percent. Which basically dilutes the quality of product.

--The fact that foreigners can enter our country so effortlessly is scary when thought of in aspects of terrorists. Al-Quaeda could enter America through the same path that the Mexicans take. There needs to be National Guardsmen on our border instead of fighting in some bullshit war across the seas.

--Mexico is NOT a poor country. By sending its teeming masses to our country, the Mexican economy keeps on rising. Mexico has more resources per square mile than the U.S. and plenty of money to take care of its own people. Why should the U.S. taxpayers of this country facilitate Mexico's corruption?

--Mexico is hypocritical: If I were to go into Mexico with no proof of ID and started getting welfare and other "gifts for being lazy" Odds are, I wouldn't simply be deported, I would probably be killed. I can't believe that the Mexican government is calling for the heads of the 2 border patrol agents that shot a drug smuggler in the buttocks who was running drugs into America. The bad part is that the border patrol agents are now in prison and the drug smuggler who was found with 743 pounds of Marijuana was granted immunity. L-A-M-E!!

--Every immigrant that is granted citizenship should have to pass an English exam: The language barrier is a big deal. After watching the movie "Babel" I realized just how many problems can arise without being able to communicate with others. It might sound mean, but I get pissed when I walk into a store or restaurant and the associate that I deal with can't understand me and vice-versa. All I wanna know is that you're at least gonna try to learn English. If you want to live in this country then you should have to embrace our culture.

It's pretty apparent after 7 years with President George W. Douche he is going to continue to turn a deaf ear to all the important issues in America. I doubt if any of the Democratic contenders will do anything about illegal immigrants when they get into office. So basically this blog is all for nothing other than to solidify the fact that 70% of Americans are against illegal aliens and the United States government doesn't do the things that it's citizens ask of it. Here's some stats in closing from NumbersUSA.com to illustrate the financial aspects of illegal immigrants.
>Taxes: Mass immigration costs taxpayers some $87 billion each year. Giving amnesty would nearly triple the already massive federal deficit.

> Schools: Taxpayers fork over some $7 billion each year so illegal alien students can attend public schools.

> Social Security: New proposals to pay retirement benefits to Mexican citizens who worked illegally in the U.S. could cost the cash-strapped Social Security system as much as $345 billion - money that SHOULD be used to pay the benefits WE have been promised.

> Language Barriers: According to economists, poor English skills among foreign-born residents cost more than $75 billion a year in lost productivity, wages, tax revenue and unemployment compensation.

> The Job Market: An estimated 1.8 million American workers are displaced from their jobs every year by mass immigration. Because mass immigration drives down wages, U.S. workers lose an estimated $133 billion a year as a result of open borders.

> Health Care: Mass immigration costs Medicare and Medicaid a whopping $20 billion each year, while federally mandated health care for illegal aliens cost U.S. taxpayers as much as $2 billion annually.

> Welfare: Mass immigration is producing a subculture of government dependents that are nearly twice as likely to be on welfare. Benefits for recent immigrants cost taxpayers an estimated $75 billion each year. (That doesn't include the money they put back in from taxes, but it's still nearly a 12 Billion dollar drain on the economy annually.)

> $ Exported: Mexicans living & working in U.S., sent $12.4 billion to their homeland in the first 9 months of 2004, according to the Bank of Mexico.

> Net Cost: Between 1997 & 2006, the projected total net cost to taxpayers for immigration will be $866 billion.

> Influx: Immigration from 1925-1965 averaged 178,000 per year. As of 2003, we’re taking in approximately 1.1 million legal immigrants & up to 700,000 illegal aliens annually. In 2004, the Border Patrol estimates that 3 million illegal aliens entered the U.S.

> Population: Currently, we have 294 million people, but because of today’s mass immigration, 420 million is projected by 2050.

> Crime: The cost of locking up illegal aliens in CA alone is $1.4 billion a year. These are hard core criminal convicted of gang-related crimes, murder, robbery, drug-trafficking and sex offenses. These undesirable criminal aliens blend in with illegal day laborers and others violating our borders.