That woman speaks eighteen languages and can't say "No" in any of them.

And that kids is why you shouldn't mess around with HTML...

2011-09-07T14:53:00.002-04:00

Or was that MDMA??

Either way, I totally screwed up my side bar. I don't even know where my archives went...hell, I have no idea what happened.

I think it's time for a new blog look anyways. Anyone good at this stuff?

Shopping used to be awesome *

2011-08-14T11:41:00.006-04:00

I went shopping.

That might not sound all that monumental but for the past three years I have either been pregnant or not pregnant for very long...this leaves the body looking less awesome than one would desire (unless you are carrying Seal's babies...seriously, what's wrong with Heidi Klum? She's not human! How does a person have four babies and look like that?!?) and it made me not want to shop for anything. Anyways, rather than whine about the state of my body, I spent five-six days a week at the gym for at least an hour for the entire summer. And I still hate my body...but I hate it less and that's what matters--I guess.

I blame my absence from the mall for my mistake of entering American Eagle. Immediately as I strolled in (literally, with my giant double stroller, I wanted to turn around and run away) I realized that I was too old for most of the clothes. But, before I could turn the barge around and get me and the boys safely out of the store, a boy/employee walks up and asks me (slowly, so that I could follow him), "Do you have a smart phone?" When I admitted that yes, I did, he asked, "Do you have Facebook?" (am I Amish?) Again, another yes. "Do you know how to like something on Facebook?" I told him that I did indeed know how to navigate the curious landscape of the easiest social network in the world and he said, "Great! If you like AE on your phone and show the girls at the front you'll get 20% off!"

Typically, this would've just been good news and I would be praising the guy for doing a great job but it was when I heard him just say to a girl after me, "Just like AE on Facebook and you'll get 20% off!" I realized he was WALKING ME THROUGH THE STEPS AS IF I WERE ELDERLY. I banged my stroller from clothing rack to clothing rack attempting to turn the damn thing around, and go somewhere...anywhere, perhaps the nursing home.

* When I first typed the title I accidentally wrote, "Shooping used to be fun" and I cracked myself up for about 2 mins.

I would've never planned for that one...

2011-08-09T10:11:00.004-04:00

When you're a mother of a 2 year old and 1 year old you become resourceful. You have to. It's kill or be killed and little kids are ruthless. Never forget that. I've never been one who planned anything before; I now find myself packing bags in the car that will allow for any situation, perhaps even alien abduction. I'm that good.

However, even the greatest get tested. I got my test at the pool the other day. As I was suiting everyone up (kind of like trying to catch two greased pigs and put bathing suits on them), I realized that I had to pee. Now here's the list of conundrums that go along with this:

1. I have two boys, they don't have a family bathroom.

2. Both boys escape underneath the stall when I take them individually...if they did it together, I would really be screwed.

3. We were a long way away from the bathroom anyway.

So...I did the only thing I could do. I pulled a diaper out of their diaper bag and peed in it. Vaguely in that moment, I let my mind drift and I remembered a slightly more glamorous life. A life full of much more superficial plans and solutions but I was pulled out of the past by my oldest giggling and saying, "Mommy, you have pee on your leg".

A quick word about my sex life

2010-09-30T17:08:00.005-04:00

Oh friends...let's hope that my birth control pill works this time around (unlike last time when I found out last mid October that #2 was on his way) because after several months of husband imposed sex ban (neither of us really like pregnant sex...*gasp!) we haven't taken our hands off each other. In fact, we were talking about how you wish you could tell your body, "Hey, this is strictly recreational sex,not procreational" but I guess it just doesn't work that way, now does it??

And then, just when I thought I knew John, a sex swing shows up at the door! The things you do in the name of monogamy. Last night I was all strapped up with my legs swinging around as I dangled mid-air in our bedroom, my ass hanging over the swing. It would've looked pretty hot pre-two babies...this time around as I was suspended in front of our mirrored closets, it was well...a tad bit laughable. And laugh we did for about 10 minutes as we tested the thing out...and then we had sex. The end.

PS. There's a giant eye hook hanging from a support beam in our bedroom. Who wants to bet that John's mom goes looking for the item that hangs on said eye hook? I can't wait for that day.

Look What I Can Do!!!

2010-08-11T07:35:00.007-04:00

This here my friends is Jamey, the newest edition to my family (yep, he looks like a generic newborn but he's damn cute...except for Monday night when he wouldn't sleep from 1am-6 am and then Tommy got up for the day and I wanted to kill myself).

I will blame him for my complete lack of posting for this year as well as all of my funny disappearing...although, I'm confident that I'm actually pretty hilarious these days or I'm suffering from complete delirium due to the fact that I only sleep when both of the kids sleep, and when they sleep?? I want to party!!! And by party, I mean drink a beer and catch up on TV that I've missed...

except for Friday. Friday, John and I went out to thithwbar and to the firehouse and it was like old times. I pretended that I wasn't actually a mother of two with tons of responsibilities--which might explain why I woke up the next morning naked cuddling with a cheese curl (?), a headache of epic proportions, my iPhone in the (empty) bathtub (although it was clear that at some point I was trying to play Words With Friends drunkenly), and having Chelle come over the next evening to drop off my wallet because I had left it at the bar. Oh it was glorious...I miss being a drunk...because I am one amazing sloppy mess unlike anyone else you will ever meet. But my drunken days must come in moderation (ah irony, you bitch) and I'm back to wiping asses and tears, playing dinosaur with Tommy and trying to save Jamey from his older brother.

Next Saturday reunites me with Chelle and T for T's bachelorette party, it should be very interesting.

Oh and if you're a fan from way back when, I feel it's necessary to inform you that Derek (the reason this blog was created) is back in town,back to working at thitwbar AND living in my neighborhood with his parents temporarily. Being incredibly happy with John (I'm not just saying that because he reads this...John really is awesome, the father of my children, my soulmate and the one person who can make me laugh hysterically when I'm down), it's just a fun fact that has very little bearing on my current life.

I'm sleeping on the couch

2010-04-29T18:38:00.001-04:00

For the first time in almost four years of marriage, John slept on the couch out of anger. The funny part of this story?? He wasn't mad at me, he was mad at the dog. (For the record, it wasn't my dog who is a saint, it was my mom's dog who's staying with us for a couple of weeks!).

The tiniest things speak volumes

2010-04-17T09:39:00.002-04:00

My friends and I are going to Kleinfeld's in NYC in a few scant minutes. My friend Ml is getting married!!! We all love Say Yes to the Dress so we decided that she had to make an appointment there--even if the dresses are out of her price range.

John stayed up late last night, getting into bed around 3. I woke up and groggily and asked him what the hell he had been doing...

What he had been doing was making me a 2 1/2 hour mix cd. A CD that I just previewed on a little jaunt to Wawa and it made me cry a little. It was the best CD ever--songs I love, songs I know and songs that he thinks that I'll like. What made me cry was the fact that no one has made me a mix tape since about 7th grade and even then, it was more about showing off musical taste than making something just for me.

And that's all, I just wanted to tell you that I love my CD and I love my husband.

Am I 33? or was that 3+3?

2010-03-11T14:07:00.003-05:00

If you don't want to see a 33 year old woman cry on her birthday:

a) Don't give her maternity clothes disguised as a present. C'mon! No one likes maternity clothes and absolutely no one wants to get them as a birthday present. from your mother. who is supposed to know and love you! On top of that I personally, HATE/LOATHE and DESPISE all cropped pants, which is what I was given. Gross.

b) Don't serve her pizza at her own home when she has the opportunity to get out of the house for something that doesn't involve work and hanging out with 150 kids that belong to someone else. Especially when:
i) she doesn't LOVE Pizza Hut pizza (although I'll admit, it was kinda good last night so I might reverse my feelings on Pizza Hut--I <3 their salad bar, that's for sure!)
ii) you're going to leave your 30,000 water glasses unattended which means that I will be cleaning up the water my child has spilled out of your glasses--because when I bend, I can't breathe and I pee myself. Awesome right?

Do I sound like a cry baby? Absolutely. I am a horrible and spoiled person (and I'm totally cool with that). However, in my defense, someone made me that way (my mother, so she shouldn't be surprised when I am upset by ugly clothes that I don't want to wear) AND I'm super hormonal/miserable and really would've enjoyed a dinner away from my goddamn house that was made out of something other than pizza dough.

Anyways, there were two saving graces...my cool bag from John and the fact that I fell asleep at 9:20 so I didn't have to think about anything else that could possibly annoy me or make me cry.

Happy Birthday to Me...

2010-03-10T07:18:00.003-05:00

When your Mother in Law asks you what you want for your birthday, don't ever respond with, "Oh, I think I have everything I need" (even if it's the truth) because you might end up with a pair of these earrings.

John, however, hit it out of the ballpark with a sweet Burberry messenger bag so that I'll stop using my "awesome" resuseable grocery bag from Target as my book bag.

Things I never thought I'd hear myself say...

2010-03-01T13:34:00.003-05:00

"Don't pull on your pee pee so hard, you're going to hurt yourself!" (to the baby of course, not to John)

"Don't poke your pee pee with a fork! That's gotta hurt!" (also to the baby)

My life is perfect, but perfectly boring

2010-03-01T12:16:00.003-05:00

So, I've been absent from the Internet for just about forever...that kind of sucks. I think about posting whenever John tells me I need a hobby--because blogging used to be my LIFE not just a hobby but I hesitate because my blog just isn't really fun anymore, mostly because my life really isn't that fun anymore.

I have an awesome husband, who I love so much and exasperate with my constant tears and/or violent verbal outbursts. I have an adorable son, who is just so perfect and wonderful. I have another (most likely just as) adorable son on the way and yet I am almost never happy and I have no real idea why.

Well, I kind of have an idea. I have no identity whatsoever anymore. I am a mom and a teacher--those are the two main identities I assume daily and there's really no time for anything else. From 8pm-10 pm I don't have any obligations (minus ignoring the grading that I need to do) and usually I just fall asleep on the couch. I haven't had my hair cut since the end of July. I haven't dyed it since 2008!!! Insanity! I used to get it done monthly, in various dark shades/highlights whatever. I don't really have time to put make up on. My clothes are hideous...the clothes I like, I can't wear because I'm pregnant and the clothes I have to wear are just plain ugly and more importantly, plain. I'm almost certain that the me from five years ago would've mocked the me of today. And with good reason.

I don't leave the house much, there's not much to do and anyways most of my friends are knee deep in tiny (not ready to be civilized) children too--so we're all living in self imposed lock down. Do I have friends anymore?? I'm not sure. And even if I could leave the house, what would I do?? I can only shop so much...I can only eat so much...Uggh, I just don't know. So my big question is--what do adults do for fun these days? And how can I make my life better? Any suggestions?

Shit or sit...it makes no difference

2009-12-29T14:35:00.004-05:00

Either the kid is telling inanimate objects, fruits (such as bananas), and grocery store workers to sit, or I say the word "shit" entirely too often. I went with the former as my explanation to the elderly woman behind me in line at the grocery store. It went something like this, "Oh no, he wasn't saying shit (SHIT! I said it again!), he was just telling you to sit!" She didn't even crack a smile...and Tommy didn't help, he said, "shit, shit, shit" fairly merrily as we exited the building.

Bananas and barstools

2009-12-29T13:17:00.004-05:00

My child is pointing to and calling for a banana, the way I used to beg bartenders not to cut me off and to just give me "one of those" (whatever was closest, I'd point to it)--which usually left me muttering incoherently into the straw of my ice water that they would give me instead.

I hate the smell, texture and taste of bananas (the last of which shouldn't count except that the kid likes to share his fucking bananas with me!!! GROSS!). Consequently my mother hated hearing stories about how I fell off a barstool and probably should've gone to the hospital for headwound sutures. I think this is cosmic payback and I'm not too happy about it. Because there are going to be worse things than bananas aren't there? Damn you weren't supposed to say yes.

Meant for each other

2009-12-16T13:55:00.003-05:00

Last night John and I were laying on the couch and he was pouting because we were both bored. We went to the computer and pulled up on netflix queue and scanned through them...nothing was hitting the spot. I mused to him, "Today I was reading about the 10 Best Alien Rip Offs and..." he cut me off...
"You were reading that? I was reading that too!"
"Really? So weird! I don't even know how I got to the list" I said.
"I just love top 10 lists" John responded matter of factly.
"ME TOO!" I shouted a little too enthusiastically.

Then I grabbed his hand and did a little booty shakin' dance (which wasn't very little because my booty ain't so tiny) and we laughed, kissed, held hands and realized that even on something so vast as the Internet (wasteland) we still end up on the same sites.

Ah...true love.

Tommy's 1st Halloween

2009-11-12T18:06:00.002-05:00

This is my little man dressed up like a rhino (for Halloween). It melts my heart, it should do something to yours too, or this proves that you don't have one!

The vacation in an hour

2009-11-12T18:00:00.004-05:00

Yesterday my sister in law took Tommy with her to see his Great Grandmother before I came home from work and that meant that I had about an hour to myself. Giddy, I thought about all the things I could do...like squeeze in a quick stop to thitwbar (the hole in the wall bar...remember that?!??), pick up a pack of smokes and listen to music.

Then I remembered that I was pregnant...no seriously, I turned into the bar's parking lot and it wasn't until I put my feet on the pavement that I remembered. I packed my ass back into the car and made a solo trek to the grocery store instead. Way less fun, but I guess a little more healthy for the two of us.

Coming home, I flung the groceries on the counter and quickly grabbed a book (honestly, it was any book...in this case, Mohawk by Richard Russo which I've read a thousand times and I just happen to always have it on my nightstand) and read a few pages until I heard the squeak of the front door and I realized that my mini-vacation had ended, just like that...and I didn't even get tan lines.

Imagine when there are two of them. I'll never get another hour vacation again.

On the plus side

2009-11-08T09:10:00.003-05:00

Oh Internet. I haven't told half the people in real life, but I figured I'd tell you...
I'm pregnant again.

I'm half excited and half terrified at the prospect of two diaper terrorists on my hands.

That is all.

2009-10-16T23:49:00.002-04:00

I'm half lit. I miss my blog. I miss all of you. Does anyone even read /check this anymore?

He should have a tattoo that says Squeeze Me!

2009-06-27T09:38:00.002-04:00

Fat, Drunk and Stupid is no way to go through life

2009-06-26T13:43:00.005-04:00

Operation "Don't Be A Fatass" has begun and I'm pleased to say that in 8 days of having a membership to the Y, I've gone 6 days. Go ahead, tell me I'm awesome because I kind of am ( I lost 2.6 lbs this week alone! Wooo!). With almost two weeks under my belt of hanging with the baby and I can say that we're going to survive the summer (I think) and have fun (I think).

Some interesting things that have happened as of late:

Yesterday was a comedy of errors in which I kind of wanted to kill myself (not really, don't call for help just yet) after Tommy peed on me, the couch, himself and the dog 4 times and we all had to change 4 times. He also sputtered pureed peaches me which was kind of like the Exorcist except it was delicious and not scary. However, that was shirt number 5 of the day. Finally I gave up and went to the grocery store looking like I had lost a food fight, which if you think about it. I kind of did. In other news, I apparently have a motherly bone in my body.

A few days ago my Mama Bear instinct reared her ugly head when I went to the Y daycare and dropped my baby off. When I came to pick him up, all different ladies were in there and I just pointed to the baby I wanted (my own of course) and they handed him to me!!! I flipped shit and told them to never just give me my child, always ask me for my ID card. They looked at me like I was crazy but whatever, my kid's the cutest and most well behaved kid in the place--everyone's going to point at him at one time or another!

As a teacher, I've had the awesome advantage of having lazy summers. Summers in which I would go out to bars or sit out on my deck into the wee hours of the morning, sleep in, layout, feast when I felt up to it, watch ER reruns when it was too hot (for some reason TNT is always on at my house and I have no desire to watch ER reruns because I never watched ER firstruns but that's what I do) Last summer was different in that I couldn't drink but I still had my freedom. This summer is incredibly different in that I can't drink (fine), I can't layout...I can't do anything really except for our very healthy options of taking long walks, going to the gym and babbling together on the floor. So far, it's been pretty fun but I'm a pale ass mofo which makes me sad. Also, the fact that I can't sit and read a book is a little sad too...my mom said in 7 years I'll be able to read again, I look forward to it.

I went insane on my summer vacation

2009-06-14T19:11:00.003-04:00

At exactly 3pm tomorrow afternoon I'm officially done with teaching for the summer. I am both elated and terrified. Elated because, yay! this has been the hardest year for me (worse than even my first year of teaching).We got a new curriculum, new textbook, I had a baby, you know--the usual!

Terrified because although I love my child, I only really spend nights and weekends with him. Basically, he's like a really cool cell phone with a really shitty plan. So, as of Tuesday I get to be a mom and really hang out with my child but in the back of my head I keep thinking, "What the hell are we going to do together from 6 am to 7:30 pm?!?" I guess we'll figure it out and I have a feeling that this might just jump start the blog as I try to stay sane.

Thong Injury

2009-05-01T20:21:00.003-04:00

I don't know if you know this about me but I like my undies to be flashy and fancy like a stripper or perhaps a really flashy or fancy hooker. It all stems from my college job at Victoria Secret...I only bought the shiny stuff. So it's no wonder that I would own a thong that had black rhinestones that formed a v in the back. Well...I put the thing on in the morning because believe it or not, they're not my fancy undies and I went to work thinking nothing about my underwear selection.

Apparently, over the course of the day one of the rhinestones must've fallen out of the little metal clasps. The little metal clasp snagged itself on my pants and pulled itself down into an evil little hook. Later, that little hook would sink deep into a tender part of my ass that I would have to suavely remove (it hurt so bad and I was trying to not to let it show because there was no way that I could get at it without the whole world knowing). I'm not sure what's worse...the fact that I cut my ass with my underwear or the fact that I had a snoopy bandaid on my butt.

Is it wrong that I'm planning to get drunk in July already?

2009-04-19T08:08:00.002-04:00

Every year (well...we've only had two wedding anniversaries but...)John and I go to a different city for our anniversary and do a little sight seeing but mostly we go to get drunk in a city foreign to us. Shocking but true, John and I love to drink. I've always liked Carribean destinations myself but John has turned me into a city loving-vacationer because he fills me to the brim with _______ (insert liquor here...most likely, dirty gin martinis or lots of beer). I'm guessing that this year's drunkapolooza will not be able to go down as they have in the past because of our spawning (Oh child, why must you interfere with Mommy's drinking? ha ha...kidding), which on most occasions is cool but I guess I'm going to have to get my anniversary/drunkfest done in Clarion, PA this year when we're out at a wedding two weeks before our anniversary. I just did some research and there are about 7,000 people living in Clarion and the "sights" are hunting and maybe a little farmer's market action. I sense some VFW or hunting club drinking that weekend.

Blight on my life

2009-04-16T18:12:00.003-04:00

I am pleased to announce that for the first time in my life since 2004 I will be living without seafoam green carpetry. When I moved into my first townhouse (a gorgeous, gorgeous building) I was completely pleased with the state of things minus one thing--it had the most hideous green carpet in the living room. But...it was only in the living room and I was mostly out drinking in the bars so I wasn't really living in the living room so it worked for me--quite well actually.

Then I moved to a house closer to my work. So close in fact that I can walk to work and John can envy me daily as he gets on the train each day for an hour commute (after his 40 minute commute to the train) it is very clear to me he loves me--or he's having wild, passionate sex on the train each day..either way, it seems to be working for us. Clearly, I bought the place because of the 30 second commute but in the bargain I was "blessed" with an entire 2nd floor of seafoam green carpet-AGAIN. Now, you can claim that perhaps it was a trend in Pennsylvania at the time--however, my first home was built in 2004 and my second home was built in 1998 or thereabouts, so you'd be wrong. You'd be correct if you said that seafoam green carpet must've been dirt-ass cheap throughout the past decade!

Well, finally in my lifetime I am out of debt. John and I worked really hard...and the fact that I was pregnant helped us to stay out of bars and to rack up bar tabs in the triple and even quadrouple digits (true story...I once racked up a four digit bar tab in my effort to woo John...it seemed like a good idea at the time but of course I was drunk as a skunk). Because we got out of debt I can finally get my ass away from my 21 year old carpet (original with the house and complete with my personal stains which include Hurricane's dropped on the floor--that shit does not come out). Next week, I will offically own hardwood flooring. The guy delivered it today and I had to hold myself back from pleasuring myself on the boxes. They're right in front of the window and wood is really hard--that's the real reason why I didn't.

I'm back bitches

2009-04-14T20:53:00.003-04:00

Blogging is always on my mind. I get cross with myself because I think of all the things I want to be doing and I don't get any of them done...this includes blogging, showering and doing actual work for work. I've almost gotten over the fact that I give up showers for extra sleep...I don't call it laziness, I call it me time. (You say tomato, I say fuck you). I haven't gotten over the fact that I haven't been blogging.

But anyways...

I really miss blogging so I'm going to make an effort to just toss out a stupid post here and there--posts that don't involve Tommy every second, because really? That child takes up enough of my brain, he can leave my blog be...thank you very much. Last week was my Spring Break and sometimes I think back to the days of yore when I would enter and win wet t-shirt contests...I think I could still win one. I'm willing to test my theory. However, this year I wasn't fated to test it out because I was sick as a dog--which is what my body does to me every. single. vacation I ever have. I would totally kick my body's ass if it didn't require coordination and effort. I was so sick to the point where my mom had to come over and take care of me (let me sleep, ply me with meds and liquids) and take care of the baby. It was the most relaxing and soothing day of my life post baby--she made me lunch, dinner (with dessert! bless her heart!) and let me sleep for HOURS, it was amazing. Had I not been so deathly ill I would've kissed her hard.
Ok, so this wasn't an earth shattering post but I'm easing myself back into being awesome.
What's been going on with you?