And no, you didn’t know
how powerful your voice
your beautiful
songs of swans
and others
which I drank in
would reach
my old wretched
wrinkled and
yes, sometimes hated ears.

And if the years were kinder
and our hearts younger
And if the ifs
of our lives
torn asunder

If the ifs
of so many dreams lost
could become like us
hanging on
to our threads
in our lonesome beds?

If the ifs
of our lives
could escape our heads

and soar

into the purple dawn’s light
I see out the window
of a new dawn?

And if the ifs
of ours pasts be forgotten
and start anew
with this morning’s rays begotten
with its purple glory, above the haze
our tears ablaze

with star-shine crystals
salted with love and pain

If I could but share
your secret flame!

Oh, but if I could just
hold you tight
and whisper away
our fright?

of being new again.

sometimes i feel so old
like a stale piece of bread
covered with mold
no one would eat it
unless they were starving

sometimes I feel like i’m hungry
for something maybe i used to have
or perhaps never did
for what i used to be
for secrets
i hid

and when all is said and done
and whispers cease from my lips
would you have said you have won?
would you watch the liquid drips

from some machine?
i think you know
what i mean

sometimes the dreams are too much
i wake with sweat
wondering forever
if i’ve paid the debt

and if i can die easy

AND I went down to the dock
walked the
familiar path
slower, now and heavier
the stones were crumbling
strange
after all, the rocks, the shells
still seemed the same
the sand
the water glistening
in my old eyes

Stood and used
all my senses to take it all in
and remembered with joy and pain
I saw our ghosts on the river
swimming, sailing, fishing…
it was almost too much
for my decrepit brain

And I wanted to dive in
and drown with our ghosts
and be who we were again
to swim amongst the seaweed and reeds
to feel the salty breeze
to sail the winds
of yesterday

I hesitated
on the edge
the sea-birds calling our names…

The boat is gone
you have another
Our wives are gone
we have each other
friends forever (We promised!)

And it is sad but fitting
that we share this bond
for we ran fast and far
when we were young
DARING the wind to catch us!

I see our ghosts
of years gone by
sailing the river
with a tear in my eye
though I would never admit it
the lump in my throat
I wish I could kill it

SO before I return
leave me this please
and do not tease
my tears
for the ghosts
are watching.

(in response to a provocative internet conversation…)

I embrace the river, the marsh, the sea -
I remember who I used to be
and I relish in the days of old
but continue with friends
in the now, though cold
and my life, I have no regrets
because I never ever forget
my friends, my family
the things that remind me
what it is to be human.
What it is to be free.

©2010, Jim Sabean

pour mes enfants, je vous aimerai toujours

I find my eternity in my daughter’s face.
If there is only one single thing I can pass on
to her and my son, then yes,
I might be able to die in peace,
defying all that time has done to us.
Knowing that these wrinkled old hands
with which I type
were once as as vibrantly full
of the pureness and purpose
of our former youth.

And we swore we would die
before we ever got old,
but here we are, and life goes on.
Our eternity lives on,
in other lives and other eyes.

Whispers, soft whispers
of what we were,
and long to be again – but never can….

So let us rejoice in the beauty
which our children may discover.
Let us never dismiss all
that our youth had uncovered.
The secrets we thought were our own.

Let us be brave in the twilight
as they are in their morning sun.

Let us never forget what it was…
what it was
to be young.

©2010, Jim Sabean

splish splash
patter plop plop
I hate the rain
except when it reminds
my soul to smell your scent
and touch you again

Soaked, uncaring, oblivious
to the wetness
between us

Pureness of your lips
touching mine
the bliss

Oh! That touch I miss!

And we didn’t care
about the clouds around us
we didn’t care that lightning
might strike us
The darkness was our friend
Touching in the rain
until the end

And I drank pure
from your pristine lips

-Jim Sabean ©2010

Am feeling happier. I bought my daughter a birthday present for the first time in about 13 years, thanks to the generosity of my ex-wife who agreed to put the past behind us and move on She’s great!

Got my daughter and son some late Christmas presents and birthday presents for Jake since he’s 16 today. Will send them to them when they get in. I hope they like them, I tried to get them stuff they wanted or would like (or both)

Anyway, I’m just happy that I can talk to my kids again. Though they are quickly becoming adults now, they will always be my babies and in my heart always. I will always support them as best I can, emotionally, spiritually and financially (although I can’t do much on the latter, I do what I can)

They are the best kids anyone could ask for and I love them both dearly. And I love my ex-wife for being so considerate to me and my feelings, and agreeing not to keep us so separated. We both have grown, for the better, and life is good

Thank you Debbie, Jacob and Arianna! I love you all and always will!