The 20 Year Challenge: Year Nine

Home-Made Turmeric Supplements

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Mon, 09 May 2016 02:40:00 +0000

Turmeric, like Ibuprofen, is anti-inflammatory. Unlike Ibuprofen, it can be found organic in the grocery bulk aisle (in a jar labelled with one ingredient). It's also, you know, a food. A food that is not associated with stomach ulcers (though Google tells me that some people have identical reactions to turmeric as those suffering the side effects of Ibuprofen).

That was all the excuse I needed to purchase a capsule machine. I'd been taking Ibuprofen every day for months to manage debilitating wrist pain. Despite also keeping my wrist in a brace and on ice on my days away from work, I couldn't do yoga and had to go easy on the yard work and gardening if I wanted to be able to wield a chisel and plane at my job as a professional woodworker. I can't remember the price tag, but I do recall that the machine, herb, and capsules cost less than some bottled turmeric supplements.

Making the turmeric pills at home isn't quite as simple as the instructions would suggest, perhaps because my capsules are a size smaller than the machine is built for. Still, it's about twenty minutes worth of work, all told, to make forty or so turmeric supplements.

I haven't taken Ibuprofen in several months, and my wrist pain is a (recurring) memory. Acupuncture has done a lot for my mobility as well, but at $75 a visit I can only go a few times a year. A month's supply of my home-made supplements costs about a dollar.

My psychiatrist approves of the turmeric, saying that some studies show that it may be helpful in overcoming depression. He worried that plain turmeric might not do the trick, however, because the herb supposedly works best when combined with black pepper (and eggs, probably...). I decided to take a store-bought supplement that included black pepper in the ingredients list, and two things happened. First: I immediately experienced the nausea and other stomach problems that some people experience with turmeric (and long term use of ibuprofen). Second: my wrist pain came back with a vengeance. I gave up after a couple of weeks and went back to my dirt-cheap and very effective home remedy.

Year TEN!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Sat, 07 May 2016 23:56:00 +0000

Guys! It's Year Ten!!!

For some reason I felt that May 7th was my blog's birthday (9th birthday, by the way). Glancing back at the very first post, however, I found my mistake. So, happy belated birthday, Challenge. I'm still doing everything wrong :)

It's been a rocky, rocky road to get where I am, and much of it seems to have been spent shoving as many stones in my pockets and sleeves and shoes as possible to carry along with me. I started writing this blog after moving to Austin, where I brought my husband to help me rescue my sister and care for my Dad and I don't even really remember what else. Oh yeah, achieve total financial freedom. Debt freedom. Freedom from having to work. Something I'm not entirely sure is possible, ever, much less in eleven years. I have a car and a cell phone now. A Prius and a smart phone no less. I'm still living in community, at least. Still gardening and turning compost and building fences...

Oh yeah, and I have a dream job. I work with my hands for reasonable pay and benefits under minimal supervision. I build and I learn. Being single has its perks, too. I am ever-so-slowly but surely hammering my life into what I want it to look like. I wake up with the sun, I make my bed, I drink my coffee in relative peace. I spend most of my time alone, which is nice. I have amazing friends and family nearby.

This next year of blogging will focus on recognizing, accepting, and appreciating my myriad blessings. My privacy and freedom, my opportunities and possibilities. I want to master the art of self-love...which, by the way, I couldn't type without grimacing.

And maybe...just maybe...we'll figure this Challenge out after all.

April 2016 Spending Breakdown

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Fri, 06 May 2016 17:20:00 +0000

Moonlighting

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Fri, 06 May 2016 16:21:00 +0000

I'm driving for Uber now.

It was only a matter of time until I gave into the temptation of moonlighting, especially with the new convenience and expense of car-ownership. My intention is to have the car pay for itself: lease, insurance, gas, maintenance, and possibly eventual replacement.

That just happens to amount to a maximum-monthly IRA contribution. Sooooo...guess where that "extra" will be going?

Having driven about five hours last night to learn the system, and about an hour-and-a-half this morning, I figure an average of about two hours a day should comfortably meet my goal. That's about how much time I was on the bus before buying the car, so squeezing that time in at my convenience shouldn't be a problem.

P.S. I'll also create an account to stash about 25% of my earnings. Uber drivers, like all contractors, pay self-employment taxes, and should be prepared for a ginormous yearly bill.

Luxury Mindset

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Sat, 30 Apr 2016 15:05:00 +0000

As I said on yesterday's post, I am DONE racking my brain about investment and debt payment strategies. At this stage, the only way I can devote more cash to these endeavors is by spending less or earning more.

Earning more is a temptation to be resisted. Sure, there are plenty of ways to bring home more cash, and I happen to excel in this area. Unfortunately, my body is pretty beat up from a decade+ of overwork. I'd rather earn income from a single source, devote my energy to mastering the skills that make me a valuable tradeswoman, and increase my income that way. Which is slow going.

That said, the name of the game is SPEND LESS. Which, luck would have it, is another area I happen to excel in. What I want to overcome is my current emotional response to frugality. My divorce introduced a time in my life of not giving a fuck about eating out, drinking in, and otherwise luxuriating in not needing to take care of another person (or myself). Cooking, baking, knitting, and my other frugal hobbies are so strongly associated with taking care of HIM that I couldn't really approach the kitchen without breaking down. I still did certain things, like hanging laundry, while steadily crying.

I'm healing, however, and these are practices that define me and (at least used to) make me very happy. The time has come to experience daily acts of frugality as matters of self-care and luxury. Basically, I'd like to be so busy doing the things I love that the idea of buying store-bought treats is honestly less appealing than enjoying my every-day process of creation.

The Shift

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 17:16:00 +0000

Okay. I created the Betterment account and spent all of yesterday evening and this morning playing with graphs and calculators. I arranged to have payments automatically deducted from every paycheck to fund a 6-month expenses savings account and a Roth IRA. This meant many hours of accelerated thought on which investment should be most heavily funded. The emergency fund protects me from borrowing. The retirement account serves my future self but is inaccessible until then. And the debt payment APY comes to over twice that of any promised by my investment vehicles.

Add the fact that I can invest as much as $5,500 tax-free into that IRA (twice what I thought), raises the bar. That's a lot of tax-deferred investment. The fact that it will take nine years at my current rate of pay to save a six-months emergency fund is another knot. Once that's saved, it's good and I can relax and just worry about the IRA, right? So maybe I should max out my saving in that area for, say...a year...and go without investing in the smartest available investment this year...no...that's not right.

And the car payment. The car payment which haunts me. The car payment, which if I didn't have to pay, could go entirely to maxing out the IRA without a problem...Maybe I should pay that off before making any other choices. Except it slowly sunk in that APY isn't the only number that matters in this particular formula. Sure, I'm paying twice the amount in interest to the car payment than any of my investments will pay me in the next four years.

But the IRA will be compounding that APY for thirty years whereas, worse case scenario, the car will be paid off in four years.

By paying an $30 extra a month on the car, I save less than $300 in interest over the life of that loan.

If I invest that $30 in my IRA on a monthly basis for the next four years, it will earn over $4,000 in interest by the time I retire.

Suddenly investment is about ten times more interesting than debt servicing! I adjusted my car payment back to the minimum payment (keeping in mind that I am still a month ahead, payment-wise), and increased my retirement draft by that same amount. I maintained a reasonable emergency fund draft.

And now the time has come to walk away.

I've said this about a dozen times in the past four weeks, but this time I MEAN it! I am honestly saving as much as I can afford while still dealing with my medical situation, splitting my dedication between a cushion and future comfort. I am honestly happy with my investment strategy, though eager to up the ante. I have edited my monthly car payment more times than I will probably have to actually make payments. Time to divert my attention elsewhere! I'm going to do my absolute best to resist logging onto these accounts until the next quarter, August, when I will have resolved the medical issues and can start thinking about negotiating a raise.

Getting Better

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 01:19:00 +0000

About five years ago I made the move from bank to credit union. Before committing to a building, I researched every credit union that might accept me as a member in my area. I created a spreadsheet in order to record and rate the various fees and rates offered on various accounts, mutual funds, certificates, and IRAs.

Darling and I went with the third-best option for various reasons. After my divorce, I went ahead and signed up for what I remembered as being the best choice, but, upon checking the spreadsheet today, was actually number two. Humans are dumb.

Except maybe not? Credit union #3, which Darling and I chose way-back-when, is now for all intents and purposes the best in terms of financial return. Actually, it's the best all around.

This raised two concerns. First I wondered about the wisdom of investing long-term in an investment that is in such tight competition and fluctuates in its standing. After all, the only certificate of deposit they offer that's worth half-a-damn is a seven year investment.

Secondly? That certificate of deposit (called a share certificate in credit union lingo, btw), is not worth half a damn at all. The fact is, the credit union is a decent way of cashing checks and saving a month or two of expenses...but not for much else. It is not in any way an investment vehicle.

This is a surprise to absolutely no one, but it's still a tough pill to swallow. I need a better plan. I turned to Google, expecting little more than the standard advice: "save six months of expenses, and then we'll talk about investing the other $2,500 you should save on top of that in a variety of mutual fund blahblahblah..." Yes. I'm trying to save that six months of expenses. I have spent many months caught up in the question of what that number should even amount to, and I have made almost zero progress.

Instead, I discovered Betterment. This is an investment website that designs and customizes various funds specifically to one's individual needs and abilities. Do you know what hooked me? Its first recommended priority: Build a six-months emergency savings.

Betterment did more than offer the stale advice: it created a plan. It gave me a number (sure, fine, whatever. It's more than I've ever had saved at one time, it is therefore good enough). It gave me a savings timeline so I'll know, once everything is set up, whether or not I'm on track. It created a model of stocks, bonds, and the blahblahblah so I can pretend that I know what's going on. It suggested a monthly payment that was reasonable and doable.

I can also create an IRA through betterment that will offer the same tools. It tells me how much to expect to need by retirement, how much to save to get there, and the likelihood of actually succeeding.

I love the clarity of being told exactly what the next step will be without having to surrender control. I can pull out the money or rollover the IRA if things don't work out. But right now the structure looks like a really perfect way to manage my savings in the same way I so enjoy handling debt: exact payments, specific goals, and movable timelines.

Recovery Research

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Thu, 28 Apr 2016 02:59:00 +0000

Today I worked my first full shift since having a valve and some surface veins removed from my right leg last Thursday. I've been back on the job since Sunday, but only for six or seven hours at a time. It was slow going, too, and every day I came home and fell directly to sleep.

My days of recovery involved a lot of fantasizing about normal, day-to-day life stuff. Being unable to stand up for twenty minutes at a time really scales down one's desires. The same goes for having spent all of one's money on medical issues.

I made progress on researching savings plans and compared the investment options with both of my credit unions. It seems that my savings is in the wrong account, so that will be switched over in the next week. I also plan on switching to automatically withdrawing a set amount from every paycheck to be deposited into an IRA.

The "%" option got me super-excited about saving. But I can feel burnout coming on and want to shift gears into regularity and routine-building mode. I want to build patterns that carry me through the rough times, and, more important, the boring times. I need some combination of automatic bank drafts and savings plans to portion out my paycheck, set something aside for the future, pay my bills, and leave me with enough cash to get me comfortably through the month. Without thinking about it all the darn time!

I want...But I Want...

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Sat, 23 Apr 2016 20:54:00 +0000

Yesterday I sat down and wrote a list of the things I most want. It looked like this:

1. Total Financial Freedom
2. Very Successful Career

I think the list would have been longer, but item number two was paralyzing. This has never been true of me before, ever, except in the wildest dream sort of landscape I've kind of stepped away from. In fact, I sort of equate Total Financial Freedom with the sacrifice of career, or vice versa. Which is probably not how much of the western world operates. I think career and financial success are more often seen as going hand-in-hand than contradicting each other.

Recognizing this is a big step towards overcoming some of my negative thought-processes. See, whenever I'm trying to feel good, I naturally think about my progress towards living the life I want. Which means fantasizing about not having to work any more, and fantasizing about succeeding at my career. My not-working fantasy includes growing my own food, owning rural property, and varying degrees of subversion. My career fantasy includes travelling the world and prestigious certifications. These two lifestyles are not necessarily contradictory. But at some point, I'd decided they were and I had to make an impossible and painful choice. Whenever I thought about the steps needed to take towards one, part of the process involved taking steps away from the other...which would make me sad rather than inspired.

I'm not going to write about how and why I can pursue both of my dreams (and many more dreams). I'm going to ask you to stop and think about what contradictions you've arbitrarily built into your own deep wants. Here are some more examples:

1. I want to lose weight...but I want my family to feel satisfied and well-fed.
2. I want a meaningful relationship...but I want time to myself and self-development.
3. I want to save money...but I want to pay debt.

My goal this week will be to look at how I can blend and pursue my dreams. How do I pay off my debt, build savings, and create passive income while pursuing certifications and courses and otherwise developing the skills necessary to create a name for myself?

I already have ideas.

It's gonna be awesome.

Spring Surgeries Bring Summer Recoveries!

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Thu, 21 Apr 2016 17:42:00 +0000

Today I go under the knife for the first of a two-part operation having to do with a minor but uncomfortable vascular issue. I'll be back at work in a few days and have a month of recovery before the second stage. The benefit of all this will not only be improved circulation and reduced risk of blood clots, but a hard-won and long-overdue understanding of how health insurance discounts, deductibles, co-pays, and out-of-pockets work.

Oh, and I'm hitting my deductible.

It only took a couple of months to save for this procedure, during which I also set up a lease agreement for a car and establishing a reasonable (though hardly notable) savings account. Which represents a serious shift in my relationship with money. Remember when I exalted the magic of having a $20 bill sit in my wallet, week after week? That's definitely not how it is anymore. I did have three crumpled dollar bills in my wallet for much of this month, until purchasing exactly that much in gas a couple of days ago.

The second operation will take place four weeks from now, followed by an unrelated oral surgery four weeks after that. THEN I'm going to save for a week-long vacation in Ohio to see my brother and attend a trade convention in the fall. Because I really, really need something to look forward to that doesn't involve recovery!

At this rate, my health expenses should be wrapped up this Summer. If so, I intend to reward myself with a week in Ohio to visit my brother and attend a trade convention this November. It's a pricey endeavor, but will solidify relationships developed in the June workshop and increase my general value as a worker. In other words, it's an investment that will almost certainly pay for itself AND provide something to look forward to.

In the meantime, I think constantly of savings and debt payment. My last post was about setting up a percentage to be deducted from my checking account into savings ever week. Since writing that post, I edited the draft to withdraw 20% of my available balance. I also increased my monthly car payment by 20%. The former feels almost decorative. As mentioned before, I don't actually keep much money in my checking account. I use it to pay rent (most of the time, sometimes I use cash), my car payment, and my car insurance. All three payments are scheduled to take place a day after my paychecks are deposited, which means there is rarely more than a small cushion in place to account for emergencies or mistakes. This means even 20% should only draft about $10/month into savings. I know that sounds minimal and silly, but it's not.

First off, I'm wrong. Everyone is almost always wrong about their financial situation, humans seem naturally hard-wired against being able to perceive the literal reality of monetary facts...I know I'm wrong thanks to many years of meticulously tracking ever penny earned and spent, and recalling the absolute surprise at my findings every single month and year of tabulations. I know I'm wrong because, one week after setting up the draft, having predicted with the help of a great deal of thought and data, that I would probably save about $10 the first month, and would be lucky to afford that...I saved $60 without feeling it. Unless you have done what I have, and found very different results, do not judge me. Perhaps I am somehow profoundly stupid when it comes to finances, but I am also profoundly experienced. Most important: I now have $60 earning interest in a savings account that otherwise would have converted itself into gas or nachos by now.

The 20% increase in my car payment (which actually amounts to 30% more than the minimum payment), knocks a solid year off of the schedule. How can I resist that?

So surgery today. Surgery next month. And yes, I even have surgery in June.

My New Savings Game

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Sun, 17 Apr 2016 00:35:00 +0000

I only have four days to catch up at work before my vascular operation on Thursday. I'm taking a three-day weekend to recover. That and a few other odds and ends are absorbing the rest of my April income. And my savings! I have an exciting new savings strategy!

I was looking at making automatic deductions from my checking to savings account, and struggling with the fact that I don't actually feel comfortable committing to a specific number. I've been devoting more than a quarter of my income to dealing with health issues for over a year now, and that doesn't look due to change in 2016. Now that I'm spending just as much on car payments...well, long-term savings just isn't easy. I've built up a cushion with small, inconsistent piles of cash over the past few months, which is better than nothing. I've also hoarded away the money for my operation. I just haven't enjoyed it. Not enough, at least, to resist suddenly making an extra $500 debt payment on the car. Now that would be fun!

While trying to work up some sort of excitement about an automatic deduction strategy, I noticed the "%" option. My credit union will let me save a specific amount every week (or month, or whatever)...which would be another stressful number to absorb and distract my obsessive attention. Or I can automatically save a % of whatever happens to be in my checking account once a week.

Whhaat? Why does that sound SO amazing?! It's practically random...beautifully random...vaguely dangerous. At the same time, it's as consistent as it is thoughtless. If I forget because I'm stressing out about, say, an expensive upcoming operation, the bank still steps in and moves the money over. I can move it back if I need to. I operate almost entirely with cash, so it's unlikely I'll ever be caught short. At the same time, there are little levels and challenges to attract my attention to make things exciting. A certain amount of money in my checking account will enable it to start earning interest - but maintaining that would mean transferring a healthy (and probably doable) amount into my savings account to earn even higher interest. Then it would only be about six months before I would save enough money to open a decent IRA account at even higher interest! After I save the magic tax-free $2000 to my IRA, I can look to switching to a money market account for even higher interest and then look into other socially responsible investment strategies while I save for land!

If I start to feel squeezed, it would be easy to save a smaller percentage. After a raise or some other windfall, I could increase the percentage. And I have goals to shoot for!

So far, so good. Today was the first automatic deduction, and I enjoyed the "surprise" even though it was a little more than expected (rent check is late cashing). I can afford it, though, by shifting my expectations. Now I look forward to next week...will I somehow save MORE?

Bermed Out

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Thu, 07 Apr 2016 01:37:00 +0000

After roughly ten days, and hauling more than a dozen wheelbarrows of soil up the hill, the berm is officially turned. I am exhausted. Now the time has come to load that fresh soil into the corn patch, finish the corn fence, and actually plant the corn and beans.

My Vinegar Geyser

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 15:16:00 +0000

This looks deceptively innocent.

Yesterday I learned to clean out the lines of the tank-less water heater. Austin has super hard water, so my house has tried to be good about doing this at least every six months. Actually, one person has been good about doing this. No one else I know, with our without a tank-less hot water heater, had any idea this is a thing you would ever do or how to do it.

So D talked me through the process, which seemed simple enough. It involves pouring three gallons of white vinegar into a bucket, feeding a hose from the line into the bucket, and attaching hose to to a pump immersed in said vinegar to feed water back into the system.

D went to work, and I faced the chore alone and confident.

I didn't have all the necessary tools. I didn't KNOW I didn't have all the tools. End result was a vinegar geyser that shot up above the second story of the house and also directly into my face while I wrestled with the toggle switches to shut everything off.

Noooo. The actual end result is an (eventually) clean system and having all the parts and components for future maintenance in one place. And a story my housemates will love to tell for the rest of forever. And surprisingly soft (if somewhat stinky) skin. And the pride of pulling the maddest April Fools prank ever...on myself.

Strange Pleasures

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Sat, 02 Apr 2016 03:46:00 +0000

Today I set up an automatic payment plan to eradicate my car debt. I'm paying 10% more than required and it starts a month early.

Debt servicing is so perfectly delicious that it took real effort to tear my attention away from the process when it came time to think about something (anything) else. I scanned my calendar, looking forward to future expenses...and old anxieties. After all, having just purchased a car, how the heck am I supposed to pay for those upcoming surgical procedures?

Except...I've been saving for said procedures. And I didn't actually dip into my savings to make the car purchase (the down payment was a birthday gift from my adopted Mom, who hates that I don't have credit. In a way this was all a fairly elaborate bribe to force me to build my score). So turns out that, despite all odds, I still have my savings cushion and the cash to make an appointment with the knife this month. On Monday I'll call the doctor and make an appointment.

Is that a weird thing to be super happy about?

I'm weird.

Lost On My Always

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 02:30:00 +0000

These are the flowers I should stop and smell.

In February of 2007, my husband and I took a train from our home of two years to our new home in Austin, TX. My brother picked us up at the station and drove us to his apartment on East Riverside, which at that point was not a notably nice or safe part of town. Pit bulls and chickens roamed the busy streets, empty lots featured small tent cities, and the HEB sold large bags of rice and fresh-chopped cactus.

Darling and I lived there for about two weeks before finding our own place on a slightly (and increasingly) more trendy neighborhood. We were priced out within the year and eventually landed what may actually be my forever home in one of the trendier neighborhoods in the city (at, miraculously, an even lower rent than I was paying in 2007).

In 2012, I landed a night job exactly across the street from where my brother's apartment was once located. The building had been knocked down to be replaced by luxury condos. There were still empty lots, chickens, countless stray cats, and dirty mobile homeless communities that I passed every evening and morning on my way to and from work.

I was overjoyed when the 24-hour coffee shop opened a block from my job. It meant so much to have a cup of coffee, write in my journal, and watch the sun come up after a long shift at work.

I am at that coffee shop this evening for the first time in at least six months, if not a year. I took a wrong turn getting here, distracted by the Pho joint, Starbucks, Chipotle, Walgreens, and other business that seemed to have sprouted spontaneously out of thin air. My city has grown and expanded, leaving me strangely lost on one of the most familiar streets of my life. Despite having name mostly cruddy box stores, this isn't an indictment of that growth so much as an expression pure amazement. I understand the sorrow of my parents, the appalled wonder at hearing someone say, "yeah, I'm old Austin. I've been here since '96." It shouldn't be bad, it isn't bad, to see a city that has been tilled up, re-seeded, and thriving with a strange new crop of students and techies and musicians and families. At the same time, my home is unfamiliar territory, which is a feeling both crowded and lonely.

How long were my eyes closed, to not see this happening?

And how much of this experience is an extension of my self-relationship? The face that stares back at me every morning, laugh lines that much more defined than the day before. Another gray hair, eyes shifting from golden brown to grey-green. Looking more like my mother every day even as I settle into a strong sense of being me. Who is this lonely woman? When did she get here, with her calloused hands and soft chin?

Between my face and my city I find the changing territory of my home. My house, my room, the walls painted over and still stained with the past. Everywhere I look I see what used to be. I see Him. The way He climbed nimbly onto the roof to sweep off the leaves, scaring the crap out of me. His maddening habit of washing dishes so rapidly that water soaked through his shirt and dripped onto the floor. The fact that he was the only one who would properly scrub the toilet, that he at least tried to keep up with the laundry, his constant presence so much more comforting than stifling. His complete lack of self-awareness at times, an apparent inability to control the volume of his voice. The way he watched, constantly, to be of service, leaping across the room to open a door for someone, noticing if someone was running late or missing.

He haunts me. So do the chickens, the pit bulls, the temporary homes. The Familiar is gone. Good or bad, for better or for worse. I sleep in the same bed, journal in the same coffee shop, and get lost on these streets I have known all of my life.

Feeling The Berm

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Sun, 27 Mar 2016 13:31:00 +0000

Loving the recent influx of dragonflies.

I hope everyone is enjoying a beautiful weekend and holiday! I spent some time in the garden yesterday rigging up a fence to protect the corn patch from squirrels, planting English Ivy cuttings in the front yard, and turning the berm.

Our house is situated on the slope of a hill, so we have a wall of leaves, branches, and other such material alongside the bottom fence to catch water and soil on during heavy rains. It's a pretty awesome set-up, preventing erosion, providing wildlife habitat, and turning hundreds of pounds of oak leaves into beautiful soil. We very rarely give it much attention, but it's definitely time to do so now. I'll probably spend several weeks attending the 20'x4' stretch for a few hours at a time, carting plenty of fresh soil back up to the top of the hill to nurture our spring veggies.

Balancing The Closet

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Sat, 26 Mar 2016 12:24:00 +0000

Weeding and watering the garden.

Yesterday morning I pulled everything out of my closet. I went through my clothing, item by item, and put about half of the things I like in a suitcase. I figure that setting them aside for six months will renew their novelty, extend their life, and make me enjoy them even more over a longer period of time. I also created a give-away bag, mostly stuffed with extra metal hangers. I went through my socks and undergarments, tossing out those that no longer have value and re-affirming my need to hit up a sale at JC Penny. Finally, I pulled out a number of borrowed items that have been taking up physical and emotional space, and put the items in the car to be returned that evening.

Of course, somehow, the rest of my room is now trashed and will need to be addressed today. But my closet, safe behind its closed door, is pristine.

When Darling first left the house, the majority of items in our shared space, including the bed and desk, were "his." I was easily able to fit everything that was my own into the closet while I boxed up his property. After delivering those boxes to his new home (unloading them together, chatting gently, agonizingly reminiscent of a couple unpacking into their new home), the closet was the easiest part of the room to arrange. That compact space, with its clear sense of duty and natural order, became my refuge. I didn't have a bed, my handful of books and personal possessions were scattered across the bedroom floor, and my Dad's possessions flooded the newly-emptied space as I cleared out his apartment. But the closet was totally orderly.

Taming that clutter clears my head and invites clarity. Purchasing the car and discussing travel arrangements for the workshop in Ohio made for an emotionally overwhelming week. I wanted to sit at my computer and re-asses my spending, my saving, my budget...but no good would come of it. Anxiety would turn to depression, and hour at the desk would turn into a weekend eating chips in bed. Instead, I cleaned and organized and created a safe space. I invited feelings of comfort and security. Maybe the correlation between a clean closet and a balanced check book isn't obvious to everyone. For me, it's vital.

Mature Mobility

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 14:38:00 +0000

Shopping for the ~~apocalypse~~ co-op

My new car affords me a freedom I never imagined. Sure, I drove the truck for a few years. But most of those years were spent juggling multiple jobs, struggling to meet overwhelming family obligations, and a sharing time and space with another individual whose every whim I placed at higher priority than any of my own needs. The truck was also in itself rather demanding: gas was close to $4 a gallon at that time, making every fuel-heavy trip a pricey investment.

The shift from driving my mother's truck primarily to meet others' needs to buying my own fuel-efficient car to make my own life easier is one of the more obvious physical manifestations of my personal development and maturity. Owning the car does not make me any more responsible or adult, but my reasons for owning a car are born of a budding maturity.

It's the maturity rather than mobility that evokes the feeling of freedom. Had this car been handed to me eight months ago, I might still be driving around like a mad woman, trying to fix everyone and everything while my own life continued to decay from the inside out. I wouldn't have been forced to center and focus and cope with the quiet daily struggle of meeting my own needs.

Being better able to control my time is also a responsibility I hadn't realized I was refusing. I liked the restrictions of bus schedules, the enforced putting-off of things that need to be wrapped up in order to move on with my life. I'm ready to face these things now, I'm ready for that phase of healing.

I Bought A Car

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 12:01:00 +0000

Her name is Tempest.

Yesterday I made some calls, sat behind some wheels, filled out some paperwork, and drove home a 2010 Toyota Prius.

Yesterday I accrued roughly $16,000 worth of debt. As of May I will owe a payment. And insurance.

For the first time, my lack of credit was a problem.

I've decided not to get a car every time in my life I felt capable of purchasing a car. Last week I wrote a blog post about how my Real Hourly Wage is affected by the length of my commute. Thanks to having completed my actual (unpublished) calculations, I know that the car technically pays for itself thanks to the amount of time it will save me.

That's not why I took the plunge. I would have purchased a cheap Craigslist vehicle if that was the case, a car that would have actually paid for itself in a much shorter period of time even if its expiration date was more rapidly forthcoming.

I bought a good car because my career demands it. There are many routes I can take with my training and development. I could travel the world, travel the country, live in New York or Chicago, go back to school...I have spent the past year weighing these options while also testing my own commitment to the trade that basically fell into my lap. After very meticulous calculation and no small amount of agonizing, I determined that the absolute best way to improve my life and advance my career would be rapid, affordable, dependable mobility. Not simply for me, but for tools, coworkers, and projects. Being accepted into the bass workshop was the final push I needed. I can get to and from work easily enough by bike or bus. I can not get to or from northern Ohio with a me-sized instrument by obvious or affordable means.

I can fit TWO double basses in the back of this car, by the way. That is a very, very big deal. It took over an hour exploring the car lot to find the hatchback that would comfortably and without-a-doubt accommodate one double bass without pulling the passenger seat forward or whatever. I very nearly gave up to explore the SUV crossover abominations. What a great coincidence that it also gets the highest mpg of all the hatchbacks I looked at!

Change. This is such a big change. Such a wonderful and scary and terrible change.

In Defense of The List

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Tue, 22 Mar 2016 11:18:00 +0000

I think we just had the best harvest of cabbage I've ever seen at the house. And I still really just don't cook much cabbage.

"I distrust lists," a friend responded to my list-of-demands story, "I've been told by people before that I check off every item on their list, and they still left me."

"Yeah, but did they actually write the list?" I pressed. There's a difference between having a list (you know, in my head) and having actually created a list.

Humans are funny creatures. We adjust amazingly to circumstances and context. If I meet an amazing mate, or land a great job, or sign on a fantastic lease, what I "want" or even "have always wanted" will almost certainly mutate into a reflection of what I've just gained. In part because I probably had to do some work to achieve the mate or job or living situation, work that already required some emotional attachment to inspire. However, the fact remains that having achieved something good and worthwhile is not the same as having achieved one's dreams or goals.

Humans are always seeking to improve. Once comfortable with what we have gained, the individual or situation who "checked every item" on the unwritten list, we will start looking for the next thing that "checks every item." In many cases there is only one item: we seek people and places that make us feel good about ourselves, that give us a sense of accomplishment. And as such we crave novelty, change, and admiration.

When we find a time, place, and mindset that allows us to record our wants as truthfully as possible, we find ourselves describing a stable situation. A mature and healthy situation. It can be challenging because the sit-down-and-put-this-on-paper list probably contains items that won't be found in a job search field. A written description of the perfect mate might describe an individual who does not look like those you dated in the past.

"People like this do not exist," I found myself thinking as my words spilled onto the page. Yet I've met similar people across the country. Reflecting on the belief, it was impossible to ignore the fact that I simply don't feel worthy of the person I described. And, perhaps more importantly, I've actively pursued relationships that involved very desirable mates with opposite characteristics. Mates who checked every item on my short list that might as well be entitled: "Best I Can Get," or perhaps even "Next Thing That Came Along."

It's also very important to sit down and write down what you want because you don't know what you want. There is a very good chance that after you sit down and write down your list of qualities sought in a mate (or whatever), you will realize that you will never show this list to anyone ever because it reflects an individual who you aren't terribly proud of being. Maybe size does matter. Maybe high pay trumps noble ideals. Maybe your deepest desire is to live as far away from your mother as physically possible. Maybe not. Or maybe this is okay. Maybe writing down these guilty secrets is the path to removing their ugly power, the belief that lets you accept what you're offered because what you really want is inherently "bad."

Once the list is written, it only has as much power as you give it. You don't have to quit your job or relationship because it's not perfect. Likely as not, you can request changes to make your current situation match your dream. More important, the roots of your dissatisfaction can be more accurately traced. If you determine that you want to work for yourself, or to be at the top of a hierarchy, this might explain current feelings of hatred towards your immediate supervisor. "I hate my boss," is impossible to fix. However, if you realize you hate your boss because you feel disrespected and powerless, there are actually things YOU can do to improve your situation without changing jobs. A therapist or coach can guide you through assertiveness exercises, for example. Maybe you can't realistically quit your job to work for yourself, but at least you know that accepting a job with another boss isn't a solution, either. No more job hunting to find the same exact lame situation everywhere you go.

Most important: having a list of your own means not focusing primarily - and helplessly - on meeting their requirements. My response to my friend could have been so much better. "You deserve someone mature enough to know what they want. If they somehow don't want to be with someone they describe as the perfect partner, they're lying to themselves. When you write your list, be sure to include 'honest and self-aware.'"

Did you ever write a list of demands? Did you make any surprising or enlightening discoveries?

Dental Update and Good News

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Sat, 19 Mar 2016 13:38:00 +0000

My little windowsill garden. The two on the right are grown from clippings of friends' houseplants.

My dentist appointment was yesterday, from which I walked home with a prescription for antibiotics and a referral for an $800+ procedure.

On the brights side, my pain really has subsided since the events described in my previous blog post and it seems likely that the antibiotics will knock out the rest of the pain. I'll still need the procedure, because the wrongs of a dentist past (circa 2009) left me with a serious vulnerability. But it's basically on par with my other medical procedure. It causes mild discomfort and the risk for complications, but isn't exactly new.

On another note entirely: I got accepted into a two-week long training workshop taking place in June! Even applying for this workshop was a huge leap of faith for me: it required taking a long hard look at what direction I want to take my career and which risks are worthwhile. Bringing it up to my employers was especially difficult, because I need them to cover the potential expense. Facing that rejection was way worse than the expected nonacceptance into the program. Even now I have anxiety about approaching them and saying, "Hey, yeah, you know that thing I said we probably wouldn't have to worry about but I filled out the application for anyway and wanted you to know about 'just in case?' Well..."

Let that be a lesson to me about selling myself short, which I have steadily been doing since starting this job in 2014. I'm used to feigning humble naivete while my accomplishments are noticed and praised extensively, which has not been as, um, organic a process at this company as others. It's time to grow up and start standing up for myself. Thus applying for a somewhat prestigious program and worrying myself sick about sharing that information with my employers and never actually imagining that I'd have to face the logistics of actually attending the workshop itself!

Intention Tension

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Wed, 16 Mar 2016 03:01:00 +0000

I caught this little bean sprout waking up yesterday afternoon. The little leaf babies on either side of it are beet seedlings.

Two weeks ago I woke up to agonizing facial pain. TMD (often referred to as TMJ), perhaps, but also likely some infection or other terrible nerve irritation in my gum or jaw. Sometimes it feels like an ear infection, as though the ear drum is about to burst. Sometimes I can barely open my mouth, other times I can't press my teeth together. Occasionally the sting even makes its way down to my chin, and for a day or so a migraine tore through my neck and back and slammed mercilessly against the back of my eyes.

I should have gone directly to the dentist, but IB Profun and denial exist. I'm going Friday. It makes me very, very grumpy to do so. Having just had a medical expense approved by my insurance that already basically cleans me out for the rest of the year, and having already agonized over whether or not I should still purchase a desperately wanted bicycle, having "one more thing" to deal with - a thing very directly exasperated by stress - was...stressful.

My depression came back with such full force I wondered if making an emergency psychiatric appointment might trump the emergency dental appointment. The agony of clenching my jaw was waking me up every couple of hours every night, a terrible juxtaposition to my typical (and only recently managed) fatigue. The two disorders blended together in my mind until I wondered just what the Hell I have to do to get some relief. My psyche was holding my face - and my ability to eat, speak, and sleep - hostage. Negotiation was the only option. I opened my eyes last night at one a.m. and demanded, "What is it? What can I do?"

I thought I'd never ask. I'd been determined not to ask, to never ever ask, what would make me happy ever again. But I did last night because my face hurt and I was tired and really, what do I possibly have to lose?

I needed a pen. I grabbed my notebook and started writing. God help me, I wrote down the requirements for a life partner. The one thing I never want to hope for or depend on again, and that's the relief my pain demanded. It felt like writing a horrible confession: I want a partner who wants children as much as I do, someone who loves their job as much as I love mine, someone who loves live music, camping, playing games, living in community, serving others...

I don't remember going to sleep. I woke up from a dreamless rest at dawn, pen still clenched in my hand. My face...I mean, it's sore. I don't want to make this something it isn't. I'm excited to go to the dentist on Friday still. But it's incredibly bearable. I only notice the discomfort when yawning. And today was the first day in many that tears haven't stung my eyes. I'm...I'm fine. I've even picked up the list a couple of times, added to it: Someone who likes to travel, Someone who is spiritual. A vegetarian.

It's not that I suddenly want to start dating. I have since my divorce. It's lovely. I don't intend to search for such an individual as described in my list. I don't especially mind whether or not they exist. There is simply powerful relief in writing the list, in admitting to my own cravings and hopes that exist outside of circumstance and availability. It's really a list of traits I want to be celebrated for myself. It's a list of lifestyle choices, a list of dreams and behaviors and pursuits that would be so wonderful to share with another person. It's a list of areas in which I would like to grow.

It's a wish list, that's all, after years of refusing to dare to dream again. It's a promise. I will let myself be vulnerable again, but I am wary now. My heart might be broken again (impossible though it is to imagine), but whoever does it is going to be absolutely amazing and chosen with the greatest care and self-protection and admiration.

The Cost of My Commute

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Sun, 13 Mar 2016 00:44:00 +0000

Lizzie recently wondered why I track my time spent at work and commuting. I developed the habit after reading "Your Money or Your Life," which introduces the concept of Real Hourly Wage. Real Hourly Wage is determined by accounting for the amount of time and money devoted to one's employment that one isn't actually being reimbursed for, and then deducting that from your official income.

Let's say that last week I got a check for $600. I was on the clock for 40 hours last week, so it doesn't take a Google Search to work out that I earn $15/hour.

My commute to work, however, is an hour both ways. That means that I actually devoted 50 hours to my employer. When I take that into account, my Real Hourly Wage is only $12/hour.

Never mind the mixed blessing of having a couple of hours to read and relax every day before and after my shift. I would absolutely NOT be sitting on a public bus for ten hours a week if it weren't for my job. It is a direct and literal cost of my employment that comes out of my pocket and my life. Facing this fact enables to me to come up with solutions, if one need be found, and recognize a good solution vs. a bad solution. It even gives me a budget for solution hunting!

A solution that eliminates my commute entirely but costs as much as $120/week to implement would negate any benefit it provides. If I move across the street from my workplace, increasing my rent by $480, my Real hourly wage will still max out at $12/hour. I could save 5 hours a week by driving (and not purchasing a $62 monthly bus pass), so to solve this problem with a vehicle I could only justify spending $302 a month...at a net zero gain. In order to actually see even a $.50/hour increase in real hourly wage, I couldn't spend more than $212/month on a vehicle ($150+$62 monthly bus pass I would no longer purchase).

The hassles of car ownership is big price to pay for a fifty-cent-per-hour raise, especially compared to another potential lifestyle change which would reap the exact same savings: I could work fewer days a week. By shifting my schedule to work 4 10-hour days instead of 5 8-hour days, I could save two hours a week without changing a single other thing in my life. I could have the same financial benefit of owning a car without any of the consequences AND enjoy an extra full day off of work a week!

Life is complex. I could theoretically move, purchase a car, work four days a week, AND ask my boss for a raise. Knowing my Real Hourly Wage creates a baseline against which to predict and measure the effects of many lifestyle choices.

My Real Hourly Wage is very simple. Your formula may include the cost of childcare, housecleaning, car maintenance, lawn care, restaurants, and any other self-care you pay for due to a lack of time and energy after work. You may pay for special training, tools, and uniforms. You could quite possibly risk a negative Real Hourly Wage! Let me know if you do the math and find yourself surprised by the number :)

A Savings Plan: Operation Don't Fail

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Sun, 06 Mar 2016 03:34:00 +0000

The good news is that, after many weeks of hemming and hawing on the part of my health insurance company, they've agreed that I do in fact qualify for a certain medical procedure.

The frustrating news is that the procedure will still cost me about $1,300. That is, the first half of the two-part procedure will cost $1,300. The second half, which is to be scheduled either one month after the first or whenever I can pay for it, is some mysterious amount of money only to be divulged when and if the insurance company chooses to share their opinion on the matter. I'll have met my deductible, so reason suggests that the second procedure should be cheaper. Reason has nothing to do with American healthcare, though, so who can say?

Thanks to health insurance, an affordable living situation, and an overall good job, I can afford this procedure. That's the excellent news. It's also given me an excellent incentive to pull up my big girl pants and really look at my financial situation and think about what new habits I'd like to establish.

My spending patterns have always been entirely subject to whim, weather, circumstance, and compromise. The only thing consistent about my saving and spending was a sense of urgency. Emergencies were my primary motivation, followed immediately by guilt.

I no longer allow these forces to drive me, which leaves me...well, strangely stalled. Fortunately, my health-related expenses came in bite-sized portions up until now. My cash hasn't been going to waste, it just hasn't been going to savings, either. Now I get to learn how to make that change.

My main goal is to not fail. This is a learning experience that can later be perfected. So I looked over my spending from the past three weeks, my regular monthly expenses, my projected plans for the next three months, and made an educated guess as to what I could realistically save without really impacting my quality of life. Monday I'll call and schedule the procedure for June. My hope is to have a reasonable cushion in the bank account after the doctor cashes the check. An even bigger hope is that this is such a reasonable amount of money to save that I continue to do so even when my short-term financial needs have been met!

Tracking Again

noreply@blogger.com (Tread Softly) — Fri, 04 Mar 2016 15:33:00 +0000

I have resolved time and time again to resume tracking my daily income and expenses. Around the time I turned twenty-seven and paid off the last of my student debt, the habit I'd cultivated for several years seemed suddenly impossible. I'd force myself into obedience for a couple of weeks only to let myself slide one day, then two, and then decide to start over next month.

Two weeks ago I opened my notebook to the back page (as was once my long-standing process), marked out familiar columns, and recorded the day's information. The act seemed to come out of nowhere. I even sort of resisted the impulse, feeling that mid-month is a silly time to start this record. I figured it would be good practice for "really" starting at the start of March, and I wouldn't be hard on myself in a day or two when my devotion petered out.

Instead, I've kept up the daily log with thoughtless ease and compulsively recorded every penny earned and spent. I also track every hour spent commuting and working. It is as though part of me had slipped out the back door for a quick coffee break, back in 2013, and practically three years to the day got back to work as though nothing had happened. "What are you talking about? I've been here the whole time...I was just, you know, away from my desk for a minute."

I wonder about the "whys." Why did I stop, why couldn't I start again for so long, and why is it so easy now? Is this a symptom of my recovery from depression, or a quality of my new routine-oriented life, or tied to the Pisces waxing moon? Will it go away as suddenly as it came, or can I hold on tight forever?

Although I wonder, I'm not worried. It feels right. I can't really imagine stopping again for any reason. I love the meticulous care of recording my expenses, of having data to track and share. I even love the things I used to hate, marking up the "bad" choices: beers with friends, snacks at work, forgotten bus passes. I love the power of facing reality again.