It's OK to be Quirky

P buys Bitcoins

2018-08-04T07:11:00.000-07:00

A parody of Madame Zeroni's song in Holes
“If only, if only,” Mr P sighs,
"The price of cryptos would go up so high"
While he waits below, hungry and lonely,
Longing for BTC to moo-oo-oon,
"If only, if only.”

It was a pleasant Saturday afternoon and P had just got up and had a shower. As he was getting out to buy his burger for lunch, P saw his neighbour, a stock trader by profession, pruning his rose bushes in the garden and went over to the picket fence to have a chat.
Neighbour: “P, I hope you won't mind but I have to ask you this question. You are looking very tired these days. What's up?”
P: “I'll let you into my secret. You see, I am planning to buy a Lamborghini."
Neighbour astonishedly: "Did you win the lotto or something?”
P: “No, but I am into crypto currency these days and so I can hardly sleep. And maybe that's why I look tired.”
Neighbour: “Ah! I see… So what coins?”
P: “Only bitcoin.”
Neighbour: “Are you long or short?”
P was puzzled and stunned, wondering why his neighbour who was normally very circumspect and prudent, was changing the topic from crypto trading to his physical dimensions......
Tired of his old Getz, he longed for a Lambo
And though without a twin or a name like Winklevoss,
P went into crypto-world like daring Rambo,
Hoping it would end all his monetary woes!

But P bit off more than what he could chew,
When he borrowed money from his credit card
And bitcoins he could buy just one or two;
His get-rich-quick plans were totally marred!

Of blockchain and cryptos P had no clue
And had bought the BTC at its peak,
Hoping its value would then accrue;
But crashing prices left his future bleak.

He was sleepless, tracking crypto price,
As he HODLed onto his coins tight;
Fud and fomo made his heart rate rise
As bulls and bears made their daily fight.

He doesn't get what is ‘short’ or ‘long’
But if only, if only BTC would moon,
He can stop singing that soulful song
From “Holes", he sings so out of tune;
For his neighbours, it would be such a boon!

On collusion between ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’ and blue moon and blood moon

2018-07-28T04:15:00.003-07:00

Blood moon that comes so rare

But more often than a blue

Had P enthralled in wishful thoughts

To watch the eclipse in the early dawn

And he went about to lay out his plans!

But his love for creature comforts

And the usual sleep-in on a Saturday

Eclipsed his desire to watch

The much talked of phenomenon!

(But maybe it was just Fake News?)

Yet, P wondered how he missed the sight

Even with all his well set plans

But P shrugged it off as the norm

Of collusion that is seen these days

When ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’ can interchange!

P had decided to get up at 4 am on the 28th morning to watch the lunar eclipse. He had read that it was going to be a phenomenal sight in the sky with the blood moon and the glowing Mars next to it. So, for the sake of watching the blood moon, for once in a blue moon, P decided to get up before daybreak. However, P always considered that though his spirit was more than willing, his flesh was weak and often betrayed him. He could not be sure that he wouldn’t (would?) just turn his alarm off and continue to sleep when it woke him in time to watch the eclipse. He therefore decided to rope in his neighbour into the scheme of things and had a long chat with him on the phone about how worthwhile it would (wouldn’t) be to watch the eclipse.

Finally, P convinced his neighbour on what he would (wouldn’t) be missing out, if he would not (would) watch the eclipse, and how such an opportunity wouldn’t (would) present itself for a long, long time. He also managed to get his neighbour promise to give P a phone call around 4 am, to ensure that P gets up in case P’s alarm clock did not serve its purpose.

Everything thus organised, P decided to go to bed early and went about his pre_bed routine. He set his alarm clock to ring at 4 am next morning. He brushed and flossed his teeth, and jumped into his pyjamas. He switched off his phone, put it to charge and turned off the lights. P then hopped onto his bed, snuggled down comfortably and switched on the TV to watch a bit of Fake News but went on to watch a movie on Netflix. It was quite late when he finally switched off the TV and sleep could embrace him.
The next day P got a glimpse of the phenomenal blood moon through the photos people put on the internet and also from those that were taken by his neighbour whom he saw late in the afternoon, working on his garden.

P did not question his neighbour on whether he had tried calling P on the phone as he had promised he would. P did not question as to whether he himself wouldn’t have switched off his phone by accident or turned off the alarm clock when it rang, had he been more committed.

Finally it all came to a collusion between ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’. These were times when ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’ could be interchanged so easily and even at the very highest of echelons of power. It didn’t need a blue moon for that to happen, let alone a blood moon!

P is not for POTUS or for Putin

2018-07-07T01:28:00.000-07:00

Things were not looking good for P and he was worried when he returned to blogosphere after a long break. He had chosen to be known as P rather than by his name 'Pillai' which could also be translated as 'baby' in South Indian languages. But, quite a few things starting with the letter P were showing up in collusion and in bad light or even trying to silence P--- stars, on the sly! And now there was this big baby blimp in a diaper going to be floating in the skies in London!

However, P had no intention of going anywhere overseas, let alone London, any time in the near future especially with all that was happening with immigration and border security. He worried that his visa may be cancelled for no reason. He worried that he could be separated from his family and be put in a detention centre. Times were so bad that, that was what was happening to kids these days! After all, his name suggested that he was a child too!

A big orange blimp, up in the sky;
It broke his heart, not to see it fly!
But with new rules and travel ban,
P worried about his dark skin and tan!

Staying home was not much fun,
But safer than a trip to London.
For times were bad and children sad,
Separated from mums and dads!

P becomes listless with lists

2016-12-10T22:00:00.000-08:00

P was looking at the Daily Post week-end writing challenge and it was about lists. It gave him a great idea! He could make a list of things to do and not to do so that he could get to the interview on time the next day morning. In P’s quirky life, he found it very hard to be on time anywhere, any time.

P firmly believed that this was not because of his fault. Despite striving his level best to be punctual, fate and nature seemed to be conspiring against him.The list of these conspiracies kept on increasing:

1) There were incidents where his alarm clock gave up after he repeatedly pressed the snooze button and had left him sleeping blissfully till noon even when he had an early morning appointment.

2) There were times when the can of tea powder would turn up empty, or there would be no milk in the fridge, when he dragged himself up from bed to get his first cup of tea. He had to rush to the corner shop or supermarket to get these items. Can you blame P if his constitution was such that he could come alive only after his cup of tea in the morning? Can you blame him again when at the shops, he decided to buy other things that were running low in the kitchen? And can you blame him if it took more than the expected time as he checked the prices and searched for the cheapest items on sale? Naturally he would be late if he had not slotted the time for ‘grocery shopping’ in his morning activities prior to leaving for an appointment.

3) His attire also used to give him plenty of trouble. Finding the right apparel from his wardrobe was always a time-consuming task..... especially when he was dressing up to go to some important function and changed his mind several times on what to wear. Who could blame P for wanting to look his best?

4) Many a time, his clothes for the day had been forgotten on the clothesline after washing and it would have rained in the night leaving them soaking wet. He would then have to throw them in the dryer and iron them. P only could shake his head at nature’s vagaries.

5) Even the lowly socks seemed to have it in for Mr P. Many a time his well laid plans to be punctual were trounced by the hunt for a matching pair.

6) Then, there were all those times when he believed that he had eaten well or was not hungry till he was about to leave for some appointment and all of a sudden, pangs of hunger would claw at his entrails. He then had to stop and eat something, upsetting the time schedule.

7) Also, his car keys would disappear at the last moment, and he would spend valuable minutes hunting for it everywhere only to find it hiding beneath some papers on the table or sometimes even in his pockets!

8) Talking about keys, his house keys also had their days of vanishing act, throwing him into a turmoil. Very often he would find them still stuck in the key hole of the door forgotten to be pulled out after entering the house the previous night.

9) Sometimes it would be the turn for his glasses to play hide and seek, and waste his time. They were often retrieved from beneath the bed where he had fallen asleep watching TV, or sometimes in the car.

10) When his wallet became untraceable, P used to become very desperate. He could not go out without it as it contained his driver licence, cash and cards. Frantic searches have often unearthed it from shopping bags he had brought home from the supermarkets, if not from under the car seat, sofa, top of the fridge and so on....

11) There were occasions when he could locate his wallet but was thrown into a panic as he could not find his bank cards within the wallet. The mere thought of all his money being siphoned out by some fraudster, used to get him so worried that he would spend precious time ringing up the bank and credit card companies, cancelling his card only to find it later in his wallet, secreted in one of its small pockets or concealed by some slips from the supermarket check-outs.

The list could go on and on, but for now, P was making a list of things to do to help him get to the interview on time. This interview was important and it was at 9 am, which was the time he usually turned his alarm off and snuggled deeper under the covers in his bed. He also did not want to turn up too early for the interview. “Ten minutes before the interview is ideal” he remembered reading somewhere.

So P grabbed pen and paper and made his list:

1) The interview was at 9 am so he planned to get up very early...... He noted to set his wake-up alarm as early as 8.30 am.

2) He decided to choose his attire for the next day and have the clothes laid out on the ironing board.

3) Pressing his shirt and pants for the interview would take some time, P guessed. He mulled a bit on whether he should finish this job today, but then, it was such a nice evening and P was just not in the mood. He decided that as soon as he woke up the next day, he would spend not more than 5 minutes and iron out all those creases.

4) Not to be outdone by his socks the next day, he decided to find a suitable matching pair and have them lying at the top of his bedside drawer.

5) He decided to do away with his morning shave as it could save him some ten minutes. Moreover, didn’t the faint undergrowth on the chin and cheeks help in giving him an intellectual look?

6) Usually his morning showers ranged anywhere from 30 minutes to 1 hour. He decided to reduce the time of his short morning shower to 5 minutes the next day morning.

7) The time spent in front of the mirror sprucing and grooming was to be cut short from half an hour to 5 minutes.

8) He decided to locate his car key, house key, glasses, wallet and cards and place them together on the dining table so that he would not waste any time looking for them.

9) Skipping his usual elaborate breakfast, P decided to have an Up & Go on his drive to the interview. He had estimated the drive to be 10 minutes. Even though he would not be able to reach the venue 10 minutes earlier than the scheduled time, he assessed that he would be able to reach there at least 5 minutes in advance.

10) He decided to go to bed early, rather than stay late into the night watching movies and late night shows, so that he would not hit the snooze button when the alarm went off the next day morning.

P followed everything as per the list and exactly at 8.45 am the next morning, he hurriedly grabbed his brief case and his UP&GO, stepped out of the house and shut the self locking front door behind him.

He put his hand inside his pocket for the car key......................

The UP&GO and briefcase fell from his listless hand as the image of the cards and the car key still lying on top of the dining table flashed through his mind.....................along with the key to the front door of the house which was now auto-locked.

Murder on a train

2016-12-10T21:58:00.001-08:00

P had been ill at ease with the night travel by train in India, especially when he did not get tickets for the air-conditioned compartment and had to travel second class with the windows left open to counter the heat. It was not helpful that only the previous day, he had watched the film 'Madras mail', which was about a murder on a train. Tired, he had however nodded off and was woken as the train jerked to a stop at a station. As he lay there with his eyes still shut, slowly drifting off to sleep, he was jolted by the sound of a slap. He kept his eyes closed and listened...

Child’s voice: “Kill him, mummy, Kill him!”

Woman’s whisper: “Hush! I don’t want you to wake up everybody on the train!”

Through half-opened eyes, P slowly peeped at the family of three on the opposite berth, travelling in the same cubicle. The dim light was still turned on and he could discern the figure of the man slouching by the window, probably fast asleep.

The woman was now looming over the husband with her hand slightly raised as the tot stood by her side, anxiously whispering “Get him mummy, get him!”...

P was shocked to hear the child say those words... He couldn’t believe a child could be so evil!... But then he remembered the famous film, “Omen” and he shuddered.

The woman was now leaning towards her husband and as her raised hand came down in a slap, P cringed and shut his eyes...

Child’s voice: “Did you kill him?”

Man’s voice: “What the...?”

Child’s voice: “Did he escape again?”

Woman’s voice: “Yes, Dennis. And stop calling the mosquito “him” and “he”. It is an “it”...

P breathed a sigh of relief...

The woman was trying to kill a mosquito... and not her husband!

Unless of course, by the term “mosquito”, she was alluding to her husband...

Going in Circles

2016-12-10T21:55:00.001-08:00

Circuitous Paths

A stranger knocks on your door, asking for directions from your home to the closest gas station (or café, or library. Your pick!). Instead of the fastest and shortest route, give him/her the one involving the most fun detours.

If you need to find your way, don’t ask it of P;

His sense of direction is blighted as it could be:

If with his help your journey was charted,

You could end up where you started;

For poor P is indeed not street wise,

And going in circles you’ll soon realise,

His concept of the earth being round.

But on the journey of life, his theories may seem sound!

Stranger: “Sorry to trouble you like this but I am from out-of-town and am a bit lost here. Would you be able to direct me to the city centre?

P: “Not a problem, mate. Where exactly in the city centre do you wish to go?”

Stranger: “I’ve come to participate in the craft market at the show grounds”

P: “Ah! It’s quite far away. Chris, my neighbour was talking about the market the other day and he said it is twenty minutes’ drive from here. I’ll tell you what would work best. I’ll jump in the car with you and show you how to get there”

Stranger: “That’s very kind of you. But how will you get back?”

P: “Don’t you worry about that. I’ll manage to get a ride back somehow just as I found one now to get to the market. You see, I had asked Chris to take me there in his car but he had not obliged, but I have found a ride now...” P smiled.

Stranger: “OK then, that’s fine with me”

P hopped into the stranger’s car and off they went to the market. However, after taking numerous left turns, right turns and driving north, south, east and west, the stranger looked at his watch and said “I guess we have now been driving for more than forty minutes and you said it would only be a twenty minutes’ drive?”

P: “We are nearly there. You should not be in such a panic. Do you believe in souls and reincarnation?”

Stranger: “Yes ....but what has that to do with anything here now?”

P philosophised: “You know, souls are eternal and with reincarnation, what they can’t accomplish this life, they can achieve in the next or the next or the next.... There is eternity ahead and so you should not be so anxious about time. In this round world, we just go in circles...life after life after life... Unless you stop the cycle of rebirth”

Stranger a bit perplexed now: “I don’t want to be late for the market!”

P: “I know, I know!... And that’s why I am trying to help you out here... Wait!...Stop!... Can you just take a U-turn and go back to the big, grey building we saw a kilometre behind us?”

Stranger: “But there didn’t seem to be any show grounds there. I read the board and it said 'Tourist Information centre'!”

P said sheepishly: “Exactly! Let’s go in there and get a map and some directions. To tell you the truth, I have a very poor sense of direction and am totally lost as well!”

Mr P - On One way trip to Mars and Aliens..............

2013-09-21T04:19:00.001-07:00

image copyright Lekha Sreekantan

“Oh, why would you want to go on a one way trip to Mars?” asked Kris.
“Why wouldn’t I? I think it would be awesome. And I would be on TV!” Mr P was making conversation over the fence, with his neighbor Kris.
It was a Saturday morning and Mr P had gone out to get the newspaper. The sun was shining through the trees. The birds were singing, flowers were smiling, bees were humming and butterflies flitting happily. In other words, Mr P was feeling particularly elated as it was the weekend and he could laze at home. That was reason enough for him to stop by and chitchat with his neighbor who was pruning the shrubbery in his garden. After local politics, the subject had veered round to the Mars trip and Mr P had started the topic with “You know, the booking for that one way trip to Mars finished last week. And I just missed it by a whisker,”
He had then started to point out the things that deterred him. There would be no television in Mars. Nor would there be any of his favourite haunts such as Pizza Hut, KFC or McDonalds. “There would be plenty of parking space, I believe” continued Mr P trying to find some advantages for Mars.
“No point in having parking space without cars” argued Kris. “I guess you would only be walking….. and that too in your space suit.”
“I wouldn’t mind walking around in a space suit always. But somebody would have to wake me up quite often. It looks quite comfy and I think l’d fall asleep in it. As long as there is no summer in Mars….” Mr P crossed his arms and closed his eyes picturing himself in a space suit. He wouldn’t mind getting one for the South Dakota winters. He regretted that winters were still too cold on earth even with all the global warming.
“The paper says two hundred and two thousand, five hundred and eighty-six people have volunteered from all over the world. I wonder why more haven’t applied” he brought his thoughts back onto the topic.
Standing back to take a look at the pruned plant, Kris muttered “Well, those who have some sort of family, probably will not want to go”.
“We can’t generalize that. There are a few people whose family would badly want them to go on a never return trip to Mars.” Mr P quipped.
“And I don’t mean you” Mr P added hastily when he saw his neighbour’s forehead crease into a frown.
Eyes on his shears, Kris mumbled “There are a few people whose neighbourswould badly want them to take the trip too……..”
At that point, Mr P realized that for his continued good health, he had to break the conversation then and there. He hastily said farewell and scooted back into the house. After Mr P had finished his breakfast he googled up more of the details of the trip to Mars as the earlier discussion was still uppermost in his mind. He scrolled through the website and was amazed at the requirements that were specified for the candidates. It seemed as if they were listed specifically with him in mind! He down-loaded the page and took a print of it. Kris was still in his garden, so he rushed out with it.
“They have listed on their website, the characteristics the candidates need to have. I think I would have met all the criteria perfectly. Here, take a look” he cried, and handed the paper over the fence.
Dubiously, Kris put his shears down, rubbed his hands on the sides of his gardening pants and grabbed the paper.

extracted from http://www.mars-one.com/en/faq-en/21-faq-selection/251-do-i-qualify-to-apply

“Resiliency, adaptability, curiosity, ability to trust, creativity and resourcefulness” Kris read out the main headings loudly, trying hard to hold his mirth back…“Hmmmmm… Some of these fit you well. But if you ask me, not all!” Kris tried to say diplomatically.”Resiliency: I must admit you have that quality. “Let’s look at them one by one. ” Kris then proceeded to list out the expectations for the potential Mars trekkers and his take on how Mr P would fit in each case.
“Your thought processes are persistent: Otherwise why would you still keep trying to borrow my car?”
“You persevere and remain productive: I have heard how hard you try to control the fire ants in your tropical home but sure, the ants remain productive and keep multiplying!”
“You see the connection between your internal and external self: Don’t you fall asleep when doing yoga and meditation? Is it that, your external self, is then trying to catch up with your internal self or vice versa?”
“You have a “Can do!” attitude: Otherwise, how would you even come up with the idea of volunteering for Mars? I admire your cheek!”
” Let’s discuss curiosity….. I agree with you there. Aren’t you always wondering what’s happening this side of the fence?”
At this point, Mr P was not sure whether Kris was admiring him or making fun of him. Slightly piqued, he asked Kris who could be good candidates in his opinion.
“Dedicated scientists may want to go” said Kris.
“But, if I were a scientist, I’d rather somebody reach there first and confirm it’s safe before I go. Or what if I die before I report my findings? It would be such a waste,” countered Mr P.
He kept the conversation rolling. “Depending on if any beautiful women have applied and will be chosen, I’d be happy to go if they accept late applications. Shouldn’t there be a “knight in shining space suit” to protect the women from all those aliens?”
He asked Kris if a pepper spray would be handy in that case.
“Don’t worry” said Kris. “The deodorant you spray on you, would keep even aliens at bay.”
Mr P had not fully digested this information before his mind was boggled by what Kris said next. “You know how the US border security and immigration call people from other countries ‘aliens’? Well, if we humans go to space and find some aliens, are they the aliens or are we the aliens?”
It took some time for Mr P to get his head round the question. He was still mulling over it as he returned back into the house. “Are they the aliens or are we the aliens?” he kept asking himself.

Dances with elephants-Mr P takes a joy ride!

2013-09-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

There is nothing wrong in dreaming about riding an elephant! Mr P wanted to ride an elephant, get his picture taken in that glory, and post it on Facebook. This wish had budded in his mind ever since he saw the movie Bride and Prejudice, where the hero and heroine rode on an elephant in the last scene. Mr P had thought it was pretty cool!

So this time on his trip to India, Mr P visited the elephant park at Kottoor near Thiruvananthapuram in Kerala. As soon as he reached the place, Mr P booked his ride straight away. He was worried that if all the people visiting the park decided to take an elephant ride, he would be deprived of the opportunity. He was given a time to turn up at a spot for his ride and in the meantime, Mr P decided to take a walk around the park. He saw several elephants, the proboscideans ranged from very young hairy ones to huge giants. It was then that Mr P realized that he was actually quite nervous about riding an elephant. Mr P felt he needed to keep at a distance from them, even from the baby ones. The baby elephants were too playful and seemed to want to tickle his ears with their trunks! As for the big, adult elephants, he felt them giving him such deep looks as if they knew all his darkest secrets, even the nightly fridge raids! Indeed he had heard about how intelligent elephants were.

Mr P now started having serious reservations about the elephant ride but was worried that if he withdrew now, it would make him look like a coward. When the time came, with shaking legs, he made his way to the location.

The mahout was waiting for him with a huge elephant.

Faint heartedly, Mr P gazed at the large mammal which seemed to give him a mean, disdainful look.

“Can I have a ride on that elephant?” Mr P asked pointing to a frolicking baby elephant that stood some distance away.

“Oh! No sir! It is too small to carry people. We only use adult elephants for rides,” said the mahout.

With no way of escape, Mr P decided to climb on top of the giant that had now bent down on its knees at the instance of the mahout.

“If Tarzan can do it, so can I,” muttered Mr P as he proceeded to mount.

Climbing onto the back of an elephant was indeed a feat and after several aborted attempts, Mr P finally made it to the top. As the elephant stood up erect, he sat astride on its back. Those who have sat astride on top of an elephant would realize how wide apart you have to keep your legs! It was almost like doing the splits!

As the elephant moved forward, Mr P felt very uncomfortable, so much so that he decided to change his position to side-straddle. Slowly he moved his legs around. However, on sitting sideways he found that he had moved too much to one side. He kept sliding further down the side of the elephant every time it moved. His silky, smooth track pants were partly to be blamed for this. A flustered Mr P then decided to return back to his original position and he started moving his legs around again. However, he had lost his sense of orientation in his anxiety and when he finished adjusting his seating, he found that he was facing the back of the elephant! So Mr P started to turn around again.

Changing one’s position atop a moving elephant is not an easy task for a person riding an elephant for the first time, but misfortune had not glanced his way yet. With the last move however, Mr P nearly fell off and was saved only by grabbing the rope around the elephant’s neck. Somehow he maneuvered himself back on top. He was now lying prostrate on top of the elephant, facing its tail end and hugging the animal for dear life. Hearing a loud applause he slowly lifted up his head and saw that he had gathered a huge audience. People thought they were watching an atop-the-elephant-acrobatic show. The mahout however, had no such conceptions and decided to end the joy ride. Very soon (though it felt like eternity to Mr P), the elephant stopped moving and the mahout got it to kneel down. He gathered brave Mr P from the back of the animal. He had nearly fainted. With an end to all the wriggling and squiggling on its back, the Elephas maximus indicus breathed a deep sigh of relief and stood up. No pictures or videos were taken, so Facebook missed a hilarious upload!

The mahout and the elephant walked away traumatised. Both seemed to need counselling!

Mr P (the Avatar of Mr Bean) and Too Many Cooks.........

2013-04-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

Mr P waited anxiously for the door bell to ring. He was nervous about the interview with his new cook. His old cook was bedridden with a broken hip from slipping on the liquid from a broken egg that had fallen off the fridge door (courtesy of Mr P who had carefully removed the pieces of egg shell but forgot all about the liquid originally held within).

When the bell finally rang, Mr P rushed to open the door to find a neatly dressed lady and happily he welcomed her in.

“Come in, Come in. You are right on time. Let’s go to the kitchen straight away”, he said and led the meekly obliging lady to the kitchen.

In the kitchen Mr P embarked on his orientation class for new cooks, showing where utensils and grocery were and how he liked his eggs cooked and what he wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Every now and then the lady did try to put in a word but Mr P just brushed her doubts away saying, “Don’t you worry! Cooking for me is just a piece of cake!” He never gave her a chance to proceed.

At last, when Mr P was finally out of breath, he stopped but then the door bell rang again. On his way to the door he asked, “Well, do you cook a mean meal? Are you a good cook?”

“I think I am”, said the lady. “But I cook only for my family and myself”.

A puzzled Mr P opened the door to find another lady outside. “I have come for the cook’s job”, said the lady who stood outside.

A totally dismayed Mr P glanced back at the lady who stood inside.

She finally found a chance to say “I just came to say “Hi”. We recently moved into the opposite flat”.

Things go wrong for Mr P on the yoga mat

2012-04-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

Shavasana - Image via Wikipedia

Mr P liked yoga. He could go on and on about the delights of yoga. Like most yogis, he also liked talking about the goodness of being a vegetarian. And if you ask me if Mr P is a vegetarian I would have to say yes.....when there is no non vegetarian food available. Mr P justified himself that though he craved to be a vegetarian, “the spirit was willing, but the flesh made him weak!!!” One can only wonder whether Mr P saw the pun here when he slightly misquoted the original saying.

Anyway, coming back to the topic of yoga, Mr P had a yoga teaching certificate under his belt. He had obtained it from Shivananda Ashram probably when they were going through a period of severe shortage of students learning how to teach yoga. Still, it was a Yoga Shiromani certificate giving him the eligibility to teach yoga. After obtaining the qualification, Mr P used to do yoga once in a while. Whenever he noted that his physique was expanding much faster than the progression of his spirit, he would turn to yoga. The Asana that Mr P liked best was Shavasana or corpse posture where one lies flat on the back with arms and legs kept straight and relaxed and eyes closed. And of course Mr P fell asleep quite often while doing this posture. Mat time was nap time for Mr P. He would wake up finally and look at his watch and be happy to see that he had spent at least two hours doing yoga! He was very puzzled why the girth of his waist never seemed to decrease!

It was while thinking about focussing more on yoga that Mr P had the brilliant idea of starting a yoga class. He believed that if he taught yoga, he would be doing all the postures with the students rather than just fall asleep on Shavasana. So Mr P spread the word around and soon had a class started. There were five students on the first day. Mr P started with his favourite posture - the Shavasana. He demonstrated it for his students.

Lying flat on his back on the yoga mat spread on the floor he began with “Relax your toes.”

More than any yoga stretches, what Mr P was good at stretching was the word "relax". He believed that stretching it out was an integral part of yoga and so he said "Relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax your toes!"

“Relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax your feet,” followed after a while. “Relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax your thighs, stomach, chest, hands, face, eyes,” and so on he went upward slowly in a gentle, sombre voice.

When he woke up, he saw that his students were sitting up politely waiting for him. Someone mumbled about Mr P’s snoring being so noisy that they just could not relax. To cover up his embarrassment Mr P gave them a pep talk on the importance of listening to the instructor absolutely. He had not asked them to get up from the Shavasana pose, then why did they?

The next day there were three students in the class. Mr P began with some breathing exercises. When he said “Inhale”, the students had to breathe in deeply and hold their breaths. They were to breathe out when Mr P said “Exhale!” Things were going fine and Mr P had just said an “Inhale” when Mr P’s mobile phone beeped indicating that a message had arrived. He got the phone out of his pocket and checked it. The message was from a friend about a dinner date. He texted his reply back and then turned his attention back on his students. They were red and blue in the face and seemed to be struggling. Can you guess why?

He had not asked them to exhale yet!

In the next class Mr P started with his favourite Shavasana posture, and slept off like usual because .................... he was all by himself on the yoga mat once again!

Pitfalls of cooking and Mr P : Things get more slippery!

2012-04-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

You may recall from the earlier post that Mr P had wanted to cook some Dahl for his guest ( http://avatarofmrbean.com/2012/03/28/pitfalls-of-cooking-and-mr-p-the-saga-continues/ ). The way Mr P prepares Dahl is quite easy. You just have to pressure cook lentils (either green gram which is also known as moong dal or red gram or Pigeon pea which is also known as tur dal) in water with a pinch of turmeric powder until they form a nice soup. Then you heat two tablespoons of oil in a pot and add half a teaspoonful of mustard seeds, cumin seeds and a couple of red chillies. You add the cooked lentils into the pot when the mustard starts popping. Into the liquid you can now add salt to taste, a bit of garlic paste and a very tiny pinch of ground cumin and optionally a pinch of garam masala. Green chillies, onion and one or two tomatoes may also be added. The Dahl is ready when the soup boils for a few minutes.

Image via Wikipedia

Just as Mr P was about to start preparing lunch he realized that he had run out of dish washing liquid and cooking oil. So he brought out the bottles of Canola oil and Sunlight dish wash he had bought earlier in the week and placed one by the stove and the other by the sink. Mr P then cooked some lentils in the pressure cooker and nodded off in the kitchen chair reading the day’s newspaper. The cooker's whistle woke him up when the lentils were thoroughly cooked into a soup. Mr P poured two generous tablespoons of oil into a pot heating up on the stove. He was in a hurry because he had spent time reading the newspaper (he definitely would not admit to napping) when he should have been doing other things to get lunch ready for his guest G who was soon to return from shopping. He did not wait for the oil to get really hot before he added the mustard seeds, the cumin seeds and the pieces of red chili peppers. He was in so much of a hurry that he did not wait for the mustard seeds to pop before he dumped the cooked lentils into the pot with some water and added the garlic paste, cumin and the garam masala powder. He left the pot to boil on the stove and scurried to the kitchen sink to do the breakfast dishes. He opened the tap, stoppered the sink and poured a generous amount of the new dish washing liquid into the basin.

"This is one funny dish washing liquid", thought Mr P. "Looks like someone has invented a non sudsy detergent!".
He put the dishes in to wash. As he tried to rinse the plates, he noticed something strange. The dishes had turned very slick and greasy and no amount of rinsing with fresh water could make them clean. They had tiny globules of something like oil all over them.

His hands also felt very oily. He smelled his hands and the plate he was trying hard to clean. Instead of the lemony smell of the dish wash, he smelled something very different.

“If it feels like oil, smells like oil and looks like oil, it must be oil,” he decided and checked the bottle that he had put by the side of the sink. It said “Pure Canola Oil”.

Mr P groaned. He was in for a big job now to get the dishes oil free. However, he had not yet realized that he was in Double trouble with Bubble trouble. Have you?

A lemony smell was wafting from the pot on the stove. Mr P rushed to check his Dahl. Something strange was happening to it. It was all frothy, sudsy and lathering up!!!

Pitfalls of cooking and Mr P...the saga continues...

2012-03-29T04:06:00.001-07:00

After the breakfast debacle (The Intricacies and Pitfalls of Indian Cooking and Mr P! , http://avatarofmrbean.com/2012/03/26/the-intricacies-and-pitfalls-of-indian-cooking-and-mr-p/), do you think that G would have stayed for lunch if invited? Guess what? He did! He understood that Mr P was feeling a bit downhearted and so he agreed to give him another chance to prove his culinary skills. There are some people who would take any amount of beating and would still turn the other cheek because of a soft heart. G belongs to this rare, endangered species of ‘softies’ that is on a path of accelerated extinction. G is also a vegetarian.

Mr P decided to cook rice and make daal, pappad and Aviyal to go with it. Aviyal is made from finger sized pieces of all the vegetables such as cucumber, snake gourd, eggplant, green chillies, long beans, carrots, yams, green bananas and drum sticks (of course not drumsticks that are chicken legs, but long fruits of Moringa plants).

Image via Wikipedia

These vegetable pieces are washed well and cooked in a little volume of water with tamarind and salt to taste. Turmeric and red chilli powder or pastes are also added. Ground coconut and cumin and curry leaves are added towards the end.

For Mr P, the most difficult part in this whole recipe was cutting the vegetables to size. “The vegetables are to be finger sized. “They cannot be cubes or any other shapes because that is one thing that distinguishes Aviyal from other dishes,” Mr P had learned. While cutting them into finger shaped pieces, he was worried he would cut his fingers as well. However, since he started wearing finger gloves on all his fingers while slicing vegetables, he had become more confident.

So while G left to do a little shopping, Mr P stayed home and cooked the meal. Something happened to the daal which is matter for my next post. “Let’s forget the daal. Yoghurt would serve equally well and I’ll also serve a little bit of mango pickle”, decided Mr P. When G came back and they sat down for lunch, he had the meal neatly served on the dining table minus the daal.

Two spoons of food later, G suddenly choked and turned red. He was staring at his bowl of Aviyal.
“ You do know that I am strictly vegetarian, don’t you Mr P?” he asked.
“Sure, I do,” said Mr P.
“And this Aviyal….. Are you sure it is vegetarian?” asked G slowly moving the vegetables around in the bowl.

Mr P looked at G’s bowl of Aviyal. There, partly covered by the gravy and vegetables was something that looked like a finger! Mr P surreptitiously checked whether all his fingers were intact. Assured, that the strange THING in the Aviyal was certainly not one of HIS body parts, Mr P investigated further. It was bent at an angle that reminded Mr P of the celebrity actress's leg at the last Oscars that had jutted out through the dress slit, sending the whole world a-Twittering and starting an account - Angelina Jolie's Leg @AngiesRightLeg.

Mr P probed further. Amidst the vegetables, it looked like an alien finger. “Probably from Mars” thought Mr P. “But then, the THING was not red coloured and isn’t Mars supposed to be the red planet?”

Mustering all his courage Mr P pulled the THING out.
It lay in full surrender on top of the dining table.

Lo and behold! It was the one finger glove that was missing when he had put them away after washing the vegetables!

Mr P and The Intricacies and Pitfalls of Indian Cooking!

2012-03-16T00:37:00.000-07:00

Mr P was in a flurry. He had a guest G, from overseas, coming for breakfast and he wanted to make an impression. Initially he thought he would make Dosa. Dosas are nice, thin, pancakes made from ground rice and black gram made into a paste and fermented overnight.

Mr P’s cook could make somewhat well shaped and tasty Dosas but unfortunately it was her day off. Mr P could never cook well shaped, circular Dosas. He would have been happy if they turned out at least in the shape of Sri Lanka; but often Mr P's Dosas were in the shape of India, America and some other countries of the world including New Zealand and Japan! So when Mr P thought about it further he was not that sure about serving Dosa to his guest. Moreover, the last time when Mr P had tried to cook a Dosa all by himself, it had developed an attitude and a mind of its own and had refused to come off the pan.

Finally he had to scrape out bits of sticky mess from the pan which in no way looked anywhere related to a Dosa. In fact it had resembled the humble Upma. With this thought, Mr P's mind that had been flitting like a butterfly in the garden of Indian breakfast gastronomy, suddenly settled on Upma.

The Upma had become world famous when it had helped Floyd Cardoz in New York, to walk home with the award for Top Chef Master Season 3, of 2011. Mr P in all his humbleness was confident of beating any Top Chef Master in Upma preparation. After all wasn't it a South Indian preparation and who else could claim to cook it better than Mr P? He also decided to make tea the Indian way to serve with the Upma.

Before continuing with this anecdote, let me impart this knowledge for those who are not aware of the intricacies of Indian cooking. Upma is prepared by adding roasted semolina into the correct quantity of water while it is boiling. The name Upma is derived from two words. The first word, Up for Uppu, means salt or salty. The second word is Ma and you have definitely got it wrong if you think Upma means Salty Mother!!!

The term Ma stands for Mavu which means dough. So together Upma means salty dough and it is easy to guess that salt is a major ingredient. The required amount of salt is to be added into the boiling water before the semolina. Ginger, green chillies, curry leaves and sometimes onions are added to give flavor. In Kerala, plenty of grated coconut is also added.

The traditional Indian way of preparing tea is by boiling water on the stove and adding tea leaves/powder directly into that water. Sugar is also added into that boiling water and the liquid is then strained and mixed with boiled milk.

“Easy meal to prepare” thought Mr P and roasted a cup of semolina for the Upma first. He then put a pot of water for tea on one burner and a pot of water on the other burner for the Upma. The cooking went off incident free and the Upma appeared to be alright albeit a little bit sticky.

Guest G arrived on time and Mr P served the Upma and the tea to his guest. We can imagine how lyrical Mr P would have been praising the Upma as a wholesome food and what a winner it was at the Top Chef Master competition.

G put a spoonful of Upma in his mouth. Mr P waited eagerly for a comment and the guest cleared his throat. “Interesting” he said. G was in a cover-up mode and with a face devoid of any expression, hastily took the cup of tea in his hand.

Mr P tasted the Upma then. It was slightly sweet. But was there any salt in it? No, not a teeny weeny bit! Nil! None! Nada! The "Salty dough" was totally salt free, unsavory and unpalatable!

“Where did all the salt that I put in the water go?” Mr P wondered. He glanced at G furtively. G had taken a big sip of the tea to wash down the bad taste of the Upma from his mouth....

A tortured look came over G's face and he gagged.... in an involuntary retching reflex!

Funny Travel Incidents: Oh No! Mr P loses his sight!

2012-03-03T01:18:00.000-08:00

Mr P was driving his car when he noticed that he was slowly losing his sight. He had been alright before he started his journey from that small town to his home city. It was indeed a long drive and he had managed to finish his business just before dusk and had set out for home playing his favourite song “Why this kolaveri, kolaveri, kolaveri di” on the car audio. He had only stopped for a cup of tea at a convenience store and had continued to drive when he noticed that he was not able to see properly. Mr P rubbed his eyes a few times thinking it was just bleariness from tiredness but soon he realized that he was indeed becoming blind. He wondered whether he had had a stroke from high blood pressure that ran in the family. He remembered that he did have a terrible headache a month before. “Can it be that I suffered a stroke then and it is being manifested as this sightlessness now?” he wondered. He worried whether the drinks he had consumed lately contained any methyl alcohol which is also known to cause blindness, but he had been drinking only tea and Bournvita for the past few months since that episode with Moose drool and Long island iced tea (He bunks work with a tummy bug and drinks moose drool http://avatarofmrbean.blogspot.in/2012/01/sneaking-off-early-from-work.html).

However he could not deny that the tea he had in the evening from the convenient store really tasted as if there was some sort of poison in it. He had stopped for the tea around dusk and it was soon afterwards that the problem with his vision had started!

A worried Mr P was slowly trying to drive home when he was stopped by the Highway Patrol. “I don’t need this now” he muttered to himself as the police officer tapped on his window. Mr P wound down the glass and the policeman asked him “Why are you driving without your lights on sir?”

Moral from this anecdote? Car manufacturers should make vehicles that sense night when it follows dusk and automatically turn on the headlights when the car is being driven by people like Mr P. As for Mr P, for the first time in his life he felt like giving a hug to a police officer. Wasn’t he glad that he was not losing his vision!

Mr P catches a ghost!

2012-02-28T03:54:00.000-08:00

Mr P could not sleep because of the ghost. Every time Mr P moved in his bed, the ghost would tap on the window and send him curling to form a shaking, shivering ball under his blanket…... Strangely the ghost hesitated in coming out of his bedroom and he heard the knocks only from the bedroom window, especially when he turned out the lights and lay down in his bed.

Things got so bad that Mr P sought out all sorts of excuses for sleeping on the couch in the living room, or prolonging the time he stayed out of his bedroom. On this particular night, Mr P had finally gathered up some courage to go to bed and had brushed his teeth. He had spread his washed towel on the clothes stand by his bed and was wiping his hands on it when the knocking started. Mr P screamed and ran out of the room. He was shivering, crouched on the sofa in the living room when he heard another knock and screamed again before realizing that the latest knock was coming from the front door. He went and opened the door and saw his friend and neighbour who had come to investigate the screams.

Through chattering teeth, a trembling Mr P told his friend about the ghost and he wanted to check it out. They walked into the bedroom. There was no sign of the ghost anywhere and there was no knocking sound when both of them stood still in the room and waited with bated breaths. Then Mr P suggested that the ghost could be waiting for Mr P to get into his bed before it started knocking. Mr P’s friend asked him to get into his bed to stir the ghost up and Mr P obliged.

As soon as Mr P climbed into his bed, they heard a knocking sound coming from the window. Every time he moved in his bed the ghost did not seem to like it and kept knocking at the window. While Mr P shivered and slid under his blanket, his neighbour moved close to the window to catch the ghost in the act of knocking. And he did! It was the clothes stand!

The clothes stand that Mr P had inherited from his grandfather and kept next to his bed was touching the bed. It was wobbly and it moved every time there was the slightest movement on the bed and a part of the other end of the stand knocked on the window bar! No wonder there were loud knocks at night that woke Mr P up from his dreams of playing soccer. Bear in mind, Mr P kicks around a lot with his legs when he is sleeping. Anyway, the long and short of it is that Mr P was very glad HE had knocked off the knocking ghost!

A Kind of Holiday! - Mr P goes to Kangaroo Island

2012-02-25T11:27:00.000-08:00

Have you heard of Kangaroo island? Before you jump up from your seats and say “I know…. it’s Australia”, let me tell you it is Not. Agreed Australia is a large island continent and agreed there are plenty of Kangaroos there. But just because of that it does not become Kangaroo island. And No, it is not a place of Kangaroo courts that some of us know well of.

Kangaroo Island is an island that belongs to Australia and separate from the mainland. The easiest way to get there is by ferry or flight from South Australia. Mr P had chosen to go there for holidays and he had chosen the ferry operated by SeaLink that also transported his car to the other side for him. The ferry operated between Cape Jervis on the mainland and Penneshaw in Kangaroo island. There were two things that made Mr P nervous about this ferry trip. 1) He did not like the name Cape Jervis. It gave him the creeps. For some reason Mr P was convinced that Cape Jervis was in fact the location for the movie ‘Cape Fear.’ He felt there was an eerie atmosphere there and he kept looking over his shoulder for a psycho to pounce on him any time. 2) Mr P hated driving his car to and from the boat. This had to be done over a bridgeway and Mr P’s heart was in his mouth while he drove from the land into the boat and back. He kept looking at the sea fearfully while doing this and it can only be SeaLink’s good luck that he did not drive straight into the waters.

Mr P liked the boat trip but for the occasional butterflies he felt in his stomach when thinking of driving his car out from the boat when they reached land. Once Mr P and his car were on solid ground at Penneshaw, he felt better.

He had decided to spend that day and night in Kangaroo island and had reserved accommodation at a motel in Kingscote. He drove to the motel, got checked into his room, took a nice shower. He had had to wake up early in the morning to drive down to Cape Jervis from Adelaide to catch the ferry and was very tired. He turned on the TV and fell asleep on the bed. He dreamt of kangaroos and koalas.

It was late in the afternoon that he woke up from sleep. He ate a hasty lunch and then embarked on the journey around the island. It was just mile after mile of grey tarred road with bushes and trees on either side and there was not a soul in sight. He kept his eyes peeled for any sort of animal life but did not see any drowsy koalas up on the gum trees or any kangaroos. As to "animal life-lessness", he saw plenty on the road in the form of carcasses of small dead animals that had met their fate under the wheels of some speeding vehicle. Finally he came across a junction where he found a shop and Mr P bought some toasted cheese sandwiches. He sat in his car and ate them and then he saw his first wallaby.

The cute creature had come looking for tidbits of food. Mr P did not share his sandwiches with the creature, not because it was considered bad ecological practice to feed the native creatures, but because he was terribly hungry himself.The wallaby even held its front legs together and prayed and begged for some crumbs, but Mr P could not be moved. After some time the disappointed creature gave him a very disgusted look and disappeared back into the bushes.

Dusk was settling in by then and the lady at the wayside shop had told him it was dangerous to drive in the dark as animals, especially big kangaroos, could jump across his path and cause accidents. So now Mr P decided to cut his drive short and return back to the motel. Back at the motel, Mr P collected his fishing reel and went to the Kingscote pier. He threw the line into the sea and waited anxiously for a catch. The wise fish in the seas of Kingscote gave a wide berth to Mr P’s hook, line and sinker. Of course, Mr P had forgotten to bait his hook! By evening it had become very windy and cold and after getting chilled to his bones for a couple of hours Mr P came back to his room, ate a TV dinner and fell asleep.

The next morning Mr P drove to Seal Bay and saw the seals. Oh! The Poor seals! All the downturns in the world economy couldn't make them more depressed.

They all looked bored and despondent and were lying straggled on the beach! Mr P felt he could agree with them wholly. He would be terribly depressed as well if doomed to a whole life time on that island. It was with this thought that he suddenly remembered that his return ferry would be leaving from Penneshaw within the next hour. He could not have driven faster to the ferry even if all the animals of Kangaroo island chased him.

On returning back to Adelaide Mr P talked to his friends about the lovely time he had ….. He waxed loquacious on the romanticism of Cape Jervis! (He tended to pull down his shirt sleeves as he mentioned Cape Jervis. His hair still stood up eerily). He boasted about the different animals he had seen (he kept it to himself that they were mostly dead on the road sides), such a good time he had fishing (not that he was chilled and nearly caught pneumonia without a single bite on his line) and how jolly the seals were. Truthfully of course, he mentioned the wallaby he had seen the first day at Kangaroo island,...... and the kangaroos and the koalas. Remember? Hadn't he seen them in his dream?

Dumb? Mr P was just being himself!..

2012-02-19T06:06:00.000-08:00

Many of us would have heard of the world’s dumbest criminals. The story of the thug who went to steal a shop and found that the till was nearly empty, is especially hilarious. He had threatened the shop owner and thoughtfully left his phone number with him with instructions to inform him as soon as the till filled up. Can it be just bad luck or Karma that the thug’s thoughtfulness was soon rewarded by the police knocking on his door? However, it cannot be denied that had it been Mr P who was the shop owner, the outcome could have been quite different. It must be conceded that there are “world’s dumbest victims” too as the following incident proves!

Getting up late in the morning, Mr P had opened the door of his flat to collect the newspaper that had been left outside. He saw that his neighbour was also standing at her door and was talking to a man in the hallway. To the rest of the world Mr P wanted to project himself as a diligent early riser and Mr P felt slightly ashamed that the neighbour saw him still in his pajamas getting the newspaper so late in the morning. To appear as nonchalant, Mr P squeaked out a “Good Morning” to her. She was quite startled by the greeting. “Oh! Good Morning!” she said. Then, may be to cover her embarrassment in seeing Mr P in his pajamas, or to dispel doubts about what she was doing with a strange man at her door, she resorted to some unnecessary explanation. “This man has come for the newspaper dues.”

Mr P now looked at the man standing outside her door and said “Please come and collect my dues too. I would like to pay for a couple of months in advance as well. It is a pain paying every month and I may not be in every time you come a-knocking.”

“Sure”, said the man and he came to Mr P’s door. Mr P went in and brought out the money and gave him two months’ dues and two months’ advance payment. Needless to say that it came to a hefty sum and Mr P asked for a receipt. The man wrote out a receipt, signed and gave it to Mr P and hurried off.

Later that week Mr P was asked to pay the dues for the newspaper again, but this time the person who knocked on his door was a different man. Mr P said he had already paid for the paper and he even had a receipt to show. He brought out the receipt and the new person had a look at it. “This can’t be genuine, sir," he said trying to hold back his laughter. "Looks like you have been duped. Did you check the name of the person who signed this receipt? I am sure that President Barrack Obama would not be walking around collecting the dues for the Times of India!”...

Funny Travel Incidents: Mr P's woes with customs!

2012-02-15T12:08:00.000-08:00

If you would ask Mr P to mention some scary things he has done in his life, he would say it was passing through customs and immigration and border security at the various international airports during his travels. No matter how many times he had done this during his frequent travels, he was a nervous wreck as he passed through these checks.

Every time, he felt as though the officers who checked his passport and looked into his eyes were trying to read his deepest secrets and did not like what they saw! Just the thought of the Tylenol and Paracetamol tablets he carried for headaches, made him feel as though he was being suspected of carrying something illegal. Whenever they asked him about the purpose of his travel, he felt that they believed he had some evil plans. This made Mr P so nervous that his replies often came out in a squeaky voice. Mr P would struggle to rectify his voice to their next question and it would then come out as a hoarse grunt. Suffice to say that all this combined with his fidgeting made him appear as a suspicious character. So, very often he was subjected to strong scrutiny and checking. Often he was asked to remove his shoes and he was pat-checked. This really irritated Mr P as he could not now safely hide in his socks, the larger than 100 gram tooth paste tubes. Since he could not carry them in his cabin bags ever since the new rules came into effect, he had tried hiding them in his socks. Walking with a tube of tooth paste stuck inside the sock and kept there with a rubber band is definitely not one of the most comfortable things to do. It did have its advantages sometimes like giving Mr P a limp and a strained look on his face which helped him get sympathy from fellow travelers. Some of them let him ahead in queues and some even helped him with his luggage! But with the thorough checking he had to go through, he had to throw his tooth paste tubes away so many times!

Then at the airport there were those sniffer dogs. After that incident on his travel to New Zealand when he had to pay a fine of NZ$ 200 for carrying a forgotten pear in his bag from the lunch at Melbourne, he was very careful. He understood how much New Zealand customs hated plant material......... in the luggage. So he had made sure that he was not carrying any plant material to that country other than what he had consumed in the plane and was safe in his stomach. Yet on one travel, this little sniffer dog had hounded him and the customs officer had detained him and thoroughly checked his bags before the problem was identified as some residual smell from the bananas he used to carry as part of his lunch in his briefcase to work. Till he was allowed to proceed, he had felt that every eye in the airport was on him, scornfully wondering what sort of drug he was carrying in his bags!

Mr P had been deeply embarrassed by this incident. It was because of this embarrassment that Mr P bought a brand new "American Tourister" bag from Walmart to carry as cabin bag on his next trip. On reaching Auckland airport, Mr P rested his new bag on the floor and was in the process of collecting his checked in luggage from the conveyor belt when a sniffer dog came a-sniffing at his bag! "Not again!" thought Mr P as the customs officer followed and started examining his bag. The officer started questioning Mr P on the contents and kept asking if Mr P had had any fruits in the bag within the past few days.

"No, Never", he replied. "Just to avoid this situation I left at home my regular briefcase in which I take my lunch to work. This is a brand new bag that I bought just yesterday!"

"Ah! That explains it!" said the officer. " Sometimes this sniffer dog falsely alerts to the smell of new bags!"

Mr P stood agape! "One can never win with immigration, customs and border security!" he realised. "You could not avoid suspicion if you traveled with your old fruity smelling bag. Can you not travel with a new one either? Life was tough."

Something you don't want to give as a Valentine's Day Gift, even with a price rollback!

2012-02-08T05:36:00.000-08:00

Mr P was planning well ahead for Valentine’s day. He did not want things to happen like last time. And he was not going to buy anything other than the gift when shopping, especially no two things similar in size. Mr P cringed even now on remembering last year’s Valentine’s day.

Last year, he had totally forgotten to buy a gift for his girlfriend and had gone to Walmart in a hurry at the last minute. Searching through the pharmacy aisles for a fragrance that was not expensive, he had finally picked one that was just $10. While looking through the aisles he also bought some stuff for his personal use. At the check-out, he had asked for two separate bags, one for his stuff and the other for his girlfriend’s gift. He had then rushed to his girlfriend’s flat and found that she was not at home. So he had written a note and slipped it into the plastic bag he thought contained the gift. “Sorry for this late gift. But better late than never! I hope you will really love this”, he said in his note. He had hung the bag from the door handle and left for home to watch a game on TV. It was quite late in the night that he had decided to get the stuff he had bought for himself to put it in his medicine cabinet in the bathroom. That was when he nearly fainted with shock. Out of the plastic bag had come a bottle of ladies’ perfume!

He shook in his shoes even now thinking what his then girlfriend would have discovered in the plastic ag he had left for her on the door knob! Fleet Liquid Glycerin Suppositories:#1 doctor recommended laxative brand. It was: $4.56 but he had bought it because there was a rollback and was selling for $3.98!

Fleet Liquid Glycerin Suppositories:

Acknowledgement: Pictures were copied from Walmart online catalogue.

Holy Basil!...A version of Mr Bean as a good neighbour and Fire Ants!....

2012-01-31T04:39:00.000-08:00

Mr P was collecting the newspaper from his porch in the morning when he saw over the fence that his neighbour was already seated on the veranda next door in his arm chair with a cuppa, going through his paper. He noticed that his neighbour was sneezing and seemed to have a bit of a cold. Whenever Mr P came in the proximity of a sick person, he had this vision of all these little creatures (they looked like creatures from the movie 'Critters' in Mr P's imagination) jumping off from that person to invade Mr P's body. And even with a common cold, Mr P imagined the worst possible scenarios. "What if that person had the dengue fever or an infection by a super bug?" Mr P was very scared of germs. Normally Mr P would have rushed back inside and shut the door... to keep the germs out. But today he was feeling generous and kind. He had had a good night after an evening spent in his garden which was now rid of all those fire ants.

The morning was pleasant and all was right with Mr P's world. The sky was blue, the birds were singing and the flowers were smiling.... So he called out to his neighbour and asked about his well being. The neighbour told Mr P that he was recovering from a cold and it wasn't too bad. Mr P commiserated and the neighbour then responded he was feeling quite alright and planned to go to work that morning. Mr P advised him to take a home remedy to get over the cold very quickly. He suggested a hot cup of tea made with holy basil (known as Tulsi locally) leaves, jaggery, pepper and dried ginger. As if to prove his good neighbourliness, Mr P walked into his garden, plucked a heap of the holy basil leaves and offered it over the fence to his neighbour who came and collected it. Mr P quickly withdrew his hands from over the fence, scooted up the porch back into his house, shut the door, washed his hands and face with Dettol soap and went about his day's business.

It was a few hours later that he heard the sirens of an ambulance that stopped at his neighbour's house. Peering through the curtains, Mr P saw his neighbour being taken to the ambulance which left in a hurry. Mr P solemnly shook his head. "These days people seem to call for an ambulance even for such silly things as a common cold!" he thought. Later, he saw his neighbour's wife return back from the hospital and Mr P rushed out to get the news from her. He learned that his neighbour had had a stomach wash and was stabilising in the hospital and would probably be back home the next day. The wife was very puzzled about the illness as her husband had been doing fine till he had taken the basil tea. It was after that the diarrhoea and vomiting had started. "And holy cow, it was not that he had never had holy basil tea ever before" she said!

It then dawned on Mr P that his neighbour's illness was related to how he himself had spent his time the previous evening. Mr P had spent a lot of time in his garden. He felt that sinking feeling as though the bottom of his stomach was falling down. He recollected what he was doing in his garden. He was generously sprinkling ant killing insecticide and had dusted lavish amounts on the basil plants!

He Bunks Work with a 'tummy bug' and drinks Moose Drool..…..!

2012-01-24T01:41:00.000-08:00

It was Wednesday and Mr P was already feeling very weary and tired of work. He felt like leaving work early and he badly wanted to go somewhere like Cubbys Sports Bar and Grill and relax. He knew that to get a nice place to sit at Cubbys he had to be there early before the other office goers hit the place. Leaving work early was quite a habit to Mr P. In fact it had become so much of a routine to him that he had exhausted all the excuses for obtaining permission to leave early. He did not like to bunk work and go without permission after that incident when he had sneaked off one afternoon on the sly and on the way out had walked into his boss who was returning from a meeting.

Mr P thought over all the excuses he had used recently and the list included 1) headache 2) tooth ache 3) toe ache 4) sore eyes 5) nose bleed 6) itches and bites 7) chills 8) dentist’s appointment 9) doctor’s appointment 10) receiving parcels and postal order deliveries couriered to his home address 11) Sister's, brother's, uncle's, aunt's, niece's and nephew's weddings 12) Grandma's and Grandpa's funerals 13) hospital visits to see sick parents, friends, cousins and all sorts of relatives 14) appointments with the cable and internet services guy, plumber, electrician and exterminator. He noted that there were not that many stomach aches in the excuses he had used. So he decided to have a “tummy bug”.

He saw his boss in his office and told him about this excruciating stomach pain he was having from something he must have eaten the previous night. He said he just wanted to go home and curl up in his bed. His bedroom had an ensuite and attached toilet. With the readily and hastily given permission, Mr P slunk off from work and drove straight to “Cubby’s Sports Bar and Grill”. There, he found himself a nice little niche from where he could watch the football on the TV and he congratulated himself for having beaten the rush. He lounged on the cubby seat and ordered Nachos, fried chicken and sweet potato fries with a Caesar salad. To wash the food down, he ordered some ‘Michelob Golden Light’ (definitely not something off the Alaskan gold mines). He ate and drank and watched the games on the TV and later ordered some ‘Moose Drool’ (definitely not that liquid trickling down the jaws of that big North American animal Alces alces, also known as the Elk in Eurasia).

Time just seemed to fly at Cubbys. (Not at all like at work where it seemed to take ages for the clock to strike five and one could go home.) Mr P had finished his food, the 'Michelob Golden Light' and the 'Moose Drool' and was nursing a tall glass of ‘Long Island Iced Tea’ (certainly not liquid black tea from Long Island with ice cubes floating on top) when he called the waitress over and ordered a Mexicali Burger.

He had to raise his voice because of the din with all the blaring TVs and the chatter of the people. Then he saw from the seats across that were now occupied, two glaring eyes watching him. Mr P could never mistake those eyes. They sent a shiver down his spine even with the fortifications from the Michelob Gold, the Moose Drool and the Long Island Iced Tea. And they were not even in his boss’s office then! No matter where, even at cool Cubbys, those eyes looking at him with displeasure covered him in cold sweat! How could he explain the sudden disappearance of his "tummy bug"?

Mr P asks for more……….!

2012-01-23T02:58:00.000-08:00

It was Monday and settling back to work after holidays was very painful for Mr P, an avatar of Mr Bean. It was really hard! He wished that there could be more vacation days. It would have been alright if there were fewer working days in a week. Having just the weekend of Saturday and Sunday off was not enough at all.

For example, it is well known that Mondays are for getting rid of the hangover and headaches from the weekend celebrations! Those who are not suffering from any hangovers may be suffering from Monday blues! People can be mean and grumpy for being necessitated to put an end to the joys of the weekend and get to work on Mondays. “This will have a negative impact on the productivity of others besides themselves”, thought Mr P.

Then one surely must have Fridays off too. He was of the firm belief that not much work gets done on a Friday anyway! People are so eager for a break by Friday that all what gets done on a Friday is just planning things for the weekend.... Such as whether to go to the Mexican restaurant and have Tacos, nachos and Burritos or to ‘Cubby’s sports bar and grill’ for sweet potato fries, fried chicken and Long island iced tea for dinner. Plans had to be made for Saturday and Sunday as well such as whether to go to ‘Papa John’s’ or MacDonald’s for lunch…There were so many important decisions to be made! So why not have a holiday on Friday as well? Thus long weekend holidays for every week in the calendar was what Mr P was aspiring for.

But then Mr P would have liked Wednesday to be a holiday as well. “Does it not make perfect sense to have a day off in between the two working days? Wouldn’t that keep you fresh and eager to work on Tuesday and Thursday?” he thought.

So he put forth these suggestions to his boss as measures to improve efficiency. His boss sat back in his chair and Mr P could see him close his eyes and take in some deep breaths. Mr P was glad that his boss was giving such serious consideration to his suggestions! Then he opened his eyes and told Mr P that he wouldn’t mind if Mr P could stay home on Tuesdays and Thursdays too…..and he need not come in to collect his pay checks either!

Funny Travel Incidents: Stranded And Counting!!!

2012-01-18T07:46:00.000-08:00

Often we come across questions such as "Who would you like to be stranded with in a tropical paradise?" Some may have dreamt of being stranded with a Miss Universe or a Mr Handsome on an island. But what if you are stranded on a traffic island and the person who was supposed to give you a pillion ride on their motor cycle left without you at the back? Especially when you are left there without a dime as your handbag and purse were dangling from the handlebar of the motorcycle. This is what this avatar of Mr Bean, Mr P (not short form for Pea OR Pelican) did with his date. This is a very common event where the pillion rider gets left behind and the person who drives the motorcycle leaves on the assumption that the other person is safely seated at the back. However Mr P's date refused to see him thereafter. Because, Mr P seemed to be leaving his companion stranded everywhere!

There was that incident when Mr P took her in his car to see his uncle and after the visit Mr P got into the driver's seat and drove off. He did feel something was amiss then. He could not pinpoint it, but something was not alright. Only after ten minutes did he realise that he had a companion sitting at the front of his car on his way to his uncle's house and that seat was totally vacant on his return! So he turned his car back and drove in a hurry to rescue the damsel in distress. She was indeed a very furious damsel in distress! His excuse was a lame one ....... that he was so used to driving alone that he forgot about her!

There was that trip to Bangalore and Mr P and companion were late for the train. The train was slowly moving off the platform and Mr P ran with his bags and managed to catch it. He had immediately moved forwards in the carriage looking for two seats for his companion and himself. Only when he found some seats and had turned around did he realise that his companion was not behind him. The train had gathered full momentum and was a long distance away from the boarding point. So Mr P had to wait and get down and take a train going back the other way to catch up with his companion who had been stranded on the platform.

There was that bus ride where Mr P had asked her to get off at a particular point and she had promptly done so, but he had absent mindedly missed the point and had gone on to the next stop. There was that boat trip from Vivekanada rock where Mr P had hurried in and embarked to beat the rush but his companion was left high and dry on the rock!

So Mr P seemed to have left his companion behind no matter what mode of travel was used. Lucky to his finances, he had not stranded his companion on a plane trip. But then, there was that incident written earlier (http://avatarofmrbean.blogspot.com/2012/01/funny-travel-incidents-mr-p-catches.html ) where he himself had missed the plane!

Now, when Mr P realised that not only was he losing his luggage during travel (http://avatarofmrbean.blogspot.com/2012/01/funny-travel-incidents-and-then-he-lost.html), but also his companions, Mr P decided to pay more attention to both. And that is why he counted the number of heads on that trip from Baroda to the Gir forest inhabited by Asiatic lions. He was travelling with a family of four (husband, wife and two children) in a hired van. Mr P and the husband sat at the front with the driver. Mr P took the head count and there were five people including the driver, travelling with him.

It was late in the night when the drive through the forest began. The destination was a hotel in the middle of the forest aptly called "The Mane". Mr P had stayed there once before and still remembered with trepedition that dark night when he had checked in. He had felt like Jonathan walking into Dracula's castle. And that sombre looking, soft footed hotel usherer in the traditional costume and handlebar moustache had given him the creeps. He was also worrying about the lions that he thought were lurking behind every tree. His nervousness made Mr P fidget so much that his friend thought he would be better off at the back with his wife and kids. They were fast asleep at the back. He asked the van to be stopped so he could get into the back. The driver stopped the van briefly and Mr P's friend got out. He nearly tripped and fell because of his shoelaces. He had loosened them so he could take his feet off the shoes for comfort while travelling in the van.

Mr P slammed the door shut and asked the driver to accelerate and drive off quickly. He was afraid that lions could attack them if the vehicle was stopped for longer than necessary. The driver asked Mr P if the other person had got in. Mr P took a quick head count peering into the gloom of the back seat. Of course there were five people in the van and said so to the driver who then calmly accelerated and drove off.

It was after some time that Mr P started getting that sinking feeling in his stomach again. Something again did not feel alright. He felt like he had forgotten something. He looked at the back of the car trying to get a look at his friend. But he could not see his head. He could only see the wife and kids who were still fast asleep. Then Mr P realised what had gone wrong with the headcount.

He had not counted himself to make a count of five the first time!

Avatar of Mr Bean: Mr P in Kiel amidst the throes of labour.....

2012-01-15T01:24:00.000-08:00

The place where this tale took place was Kiel in Germany. Kiel is the state capital of Schleswig-Holstein and has a long ship-building and naval tradition. A group of Indian submariners were deputed there to get trained and be involved with the assembling of some submarines that India was buying from Germany. The navy men could take their families also with them and it happened that a lot of the accompanying wives were pregnant. It is with one such family that Mr P stayed to save on boarding charges on a trip to Germany.

As his host officer could not take a day off from work, Mr P volunteered to escort the wife who had reached full term to the hospital for a scheduled check up. Three other pregnant ladies also then tagged along for check ups as their husbands could not leave work as well. So Mr P drove all four ladies to the hospital and after reporting at the reception they all sat on chairs waiting for their names to be called for the doctor to see them. While Mr P sat down, the four fully pregnant ladies sat on either side. Can you imagine the spectacle it would have made in that German city? No wonder the local people who walked in and went through the reception area looked stunned, stared and kept giving furtive looks at the four women and Mr P sitting in the middle. After getting a lot of these strange looks, Mr P realised what was happening. He understood that people thought all four fully pregnant ladies were his resposibility and he was to be blamed for their condition, especially because he was sporting a beard at that time. Mr P felt embarrassed. He started to sweat and turned red. Somehow he got up and distanced himself from the ladies till all their check ups were finished and it was time to go home. As soon as they reached home, Mr P shaved off his beard.

He had to go back to the hospital again a few days later as his hostess was going into labour and the husband was not at home to take her. After he phoned and the husband reached the hospital, Mr P planned to make a speedy exit. However a couple more ladies in labour were also admitted into the hospital at the same time and Mr P's friend arrived with the other two husbands. The usual routine in the hospital was that these ladies would have to get out of their clothes and get into hospital gowns. They would also have to remove their jewelry and hand them to someone for safekeeping.

From one of the rooms a nurse came out and asked for the husband. Mr P immediately understood that it was probably for taking care of the jewelry. He also understood that only the husband could go in as the lady would be without any clothes. He rushed and summoned his host officer who was just coming in and took him to the room and hurried him in to see his wife. Mr P wisely stayed back.

Mr P's friend who went in saw the lady and she certainly did not have any clothes on. But then she was surely wife,..................................................... only to somebody else!!!

Funny Travel Incidents: Mr P and ghost travel

2012-01-13T03:10:00.000-08:00

It was also on a Friday the 13th that Mr P was travelling from Baroda to Ahmedabad in a taxi. He had spent much longer time with his friends and it was quite late in the night that he left Baroda. The taxi driver seemed to be an amicable chap who also seemed to love old hindi songs and kept playing them loudly. His mobile phone also kept ringing frequently and it seemed to be from fellow taxi drivers who wanted to know where he was and from friends who wanted to share the latest gossips. These conversations were not hard to overhear at all as he seemed to believe that if you talk at the top of one's voice, it overcomes the power of distance. On top of that, he wanted to chat with Mr P in a loud voice. So Mr P indicated to the driver that he was planning to take a nap and moved to the back seat. There at least, he was slightly better off with the noise pollution. Mr P kept his eyes closed and pretended to fall asleep.

The taxi sped through the streets of Baroda and just before it entered the Expressway connecting the city with Ahmedabad, the driver stopped at a junction. Mr P opened his eyes and sat up to see why the car had stopped. The driver turned around and told Mr P that he was going to get a cup of tea and some "paan" before they hit the Expressway. He asked whether Mr P needed to get a drink as well. Mr P indicated in the negative and pretended to go back to sleep again. As he did not want to start another barrage of conversation he proceeded to make a show of putting some cotton plugs in his ears and closed his eyes. The driver clearly understood the message Mr P was trying to convey and decided not to try and converse with Mr P again. He left for his tea and 'paan'.

Mr P kept looking at his watch and noticed that the driver was taking a long time with his tea break. The thought of tea suddenly made a craving for some cardamom tea grow in him and he succumbed. It was always like this with Mr P. A lot of his good intentions and decisions somehow get overridden and that later landed him in trouble. So Mr P got out of the car and walked to a nearby tea shop and enjoyed a cuppa.
On returning back, Mr P noticed that the driver was still not there. But then the car was not there either!

Initially he thought he could have erred on the exact place where the car had been left. So he walked up and down the streets a bit, trying to locate the car. When these attempts failed, Mr P took out his mobile phone. "What an idiot I am," he thought. " I can ring and ask the driver where exactly the car is."

Mr P rang the driver and the driver answered the phone.

"Hello"

"Hello" said the driver and the phone went dead.

Mr P rang a few more times and did not get to the driver. The message on the phone said "Out of range.."

Mr P persisted and got to the driver again. The ensuing conversation went like this.

"Are you the driver?" he asked.

"Yes, I am the driver. And there are many taxi drivers in Gujarat. Whom do you want?"

"Where are you?"

" I am halfway down the Expressway linking Baroda to Ahmedabad. Who wants to know?"

" Hey, this is Sahib here.."

"What sahib? Which sahib?"

"That sahib who was supposed to be taken from Baroda to Ahmedabad in your car this evening"

"Ha, Ha, Ha! What a joke! Are you a ghost of that sahib? Because I did pick up the original sahib from Baroda and he is fast asleep in the back of the car! Or is it a ghost in the back of my car? He He He!"

"YOU ----------- --------- --------" (These words are censored. Could be SAALEY KUTHEY KAMIINEY---- the hindi equivalents of some English foul language). "Turn around and see if there is a ghost in the back of your car."

"D---! I am so sorry sir! I am coming back to get you sir!"

One can only imagine how long it would have taken or how the driver could have come back "to get Mr P" considering there are not that many exits on the Expressway from Baroda to Ahmedabad!