So I have taken this big long break from blogging because it was just to hard. I am not great with commitments and there were some things going on that I don't want to share with the world and keeping them out was just too much work but today I feel the need to spill some words.
This morning a very very dear friend JD had to have an emergency c-section at 25 weeks and baby Lucy did not survive. Baby boy (who does not have a name yet) is fighting and that is all they will tell us at this time.
I cannot get my thoughts around this. Lucy has defied the odds from the get go as she was not supposed to have made it this long. Week after week the dr's would paint these horrible scenarios where organs weren't developing etc. From the outset Dr's fully prepared JD that she would lose one of the babies so much so that she didn't tell us about baby #2 until 20 wks because of it. At 20 weeks, they told her she might lose both of them and she decided at that point that we needed to know the full story.
As planned, she was admitted to the hospital to get the neccessary drugs to help the babies develop and to keep them in there as long as possible. Luckily she was there or she would probably have lost both of them. She delivered them via emergency c-section this morning.
I haven't been able to figure out why this has effected me to the degree it has. I have tried twice to go to the hospital but I just can't go - not yet. I think it was because I truly thought those babies would defeat the odds given them because they had until this morning. And I know part of it is just because babies aren't supossed to die, they just aren't .
Please keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers JD, S, P (their 8 yr old) and baby boy and of course for Lucy who has to be the sweetest little angel.
Not spellchecking or proofreading. Am going to try to go to hospital - again.
I have been crying all afternoon and finally had to come home. I wasn't getting anything done.
Six years ago I decided that I needed to break up with my then best friend. It was a hard decision because for so many years she had been a prominent presence in my life, she was even my Maid of Honor when Mr Fly and I got married. I turned to her when I was sad and when I was going through a rough patch with a professor, she was by my side helping me. We were best friends as best friends should be - supportive of each other, a shoulder to cry on, someone to share private jokes with, a companion.
We met the first week of our freshmen year in college. I think to some it was probably an unusual friendship as we were polar opposites. I was a party girl who scheduled studying around parties and she studied all the time and partied only rarely. She was active in many different organizations, I was active in partying (do you see the trend here?). But through it all we remained best friends. I loved to make her laugh. I had silly voices/characters that would have her crying she was laughing so hard. We had so many good times together that even today make me smile.
Somewhere along the way we started growing apart. I am not sure when it really started happening but I noticed it more after I got engaged. So many little things happened, things that at the time I just let go and wrote it off to various stresses in her life (new lawyer, lots of law school debt etc). As I look back now maybe if I had said something it would have made a difference but deep down I know it probably wouldn't have because I think some of the tension was driven by jealousy. I had found my soul mate and she desperately wanted that. When I found out I was pregnant we grew apart even more.
Six years ago, we knew my MIL would not live much longer. We knew that there were no more treatment options and I had the unenviable task of telling my daughters that their grandmother was going to die. While all of this was going on I was keeping my friends apprised of the situation because I needed some support. I got nothing from her - not one single email, not one single phone call to check on me. However, as it got closer to our college homecoming all the sudden she wanted to know my plans, she wanted a piece of me for lack of a better term and I wasn't willing to give it. I am a total package, you take the good and the bad together and love me for who I am.
At homecoming, I refused to interact with her because I am mature. I was deeply hurt that it appeared that she didn't give a damn about me when I was hurting but when it was party time then she could be my friend. I waited for about a month so that I wasn't as emotional about it and sent her an e-mail (I know, I should have called but I couldn't bring myself to do it) and explained why I acted the way I did, I think I even apologized and told her I was hurting. What I got in return was a lot of blame, how I didn't do that and I didn't do that and that I ruined her time at homecoming. That was the end of our friendship.
There has been no contact between us with the exception of me sending her an I'm thinking about you e-mail when her parents home was destroyed by a tornado several years ago. She responded and probably made an overture of some nature in her response but my wounds were still fresh and I was having none of it. I let her go.
Today I found out that she got married almost a year ago and I found myself a bit sad that I wasn't involved in the festivities. I am very surprised by my reaction. I have several theories about why I feel the way I do ranging from regret (over the way I handled things, I know I wasn't the most mature about it) to my own current emotional state to even a bit of jealousy around the people who were involved. But whatever my reaction may be I am glad she is happy and has finally found someone to love and to be loved because that is something she always desperately craved. I truly am happy for her.
I learned so much over the past couple of weeks I need to record so that I don't forget these very valuable lessons....
Being with a close friend who lives far away is some of the best therapy around and it is free.
A new hair cut/color/new makeup can do wonders for your mental state of mind.
Finding out someone that you really looked up to and held in high regard is really in fact human and makes very human mistakes is really humbling but also disappointing to know that in fact their judgment can be THAT impaired.
For the most part people in airports need to chill out and quit being such assholes.
It is very hard to sympathize, even empathize, with someone who wants something so badly that they cannot see beyond their desire to notice that what they have is actually pretty good.
It is very important to support your friends unconditionally even if you think they are being overly sensitive.
Going away for a few days is therapeutic and the family you leave behind will miss you terribly but it does not make them appreciate everything you do for them
Outdoor weddings in the mountains are truly beautiful even if the bride is not very nice and the groom appears to have lost his mind..
In higher altitudes alcohol affects you much quicker and not noticing that fact can result in a 32 hour hangover that will leave you curled in the fetal position wishing for a Gatorade drip.
That I do have people in my life who love me for me and would do anything for me and it was good to be reminded of that.
Hope everyone had a great weekend!
So I tried to write this yesterday but I just couldn't, it was just too hard.
As of yesterday, my Mom has been gone for a year. I wasn't really sure what the day would bring or even what I was supposed to do. I mean really how do you mark the anniversary of a death. It isn't something that you celebrate per se and there aren't any Hallmark cards that say, Your loved one has been dead for a year, hope you are dealing with it or Hey, It's been a year get over it already. Do you retreat inside yourself or act as if nothing has happened? I was in both camps yesterday but mostly some place in between.
Overall, the day was mostly OK. There were plenty of distractions with Bug (the 11 yr old) having a back-to-school party (first of 4 this week) and chatty and a friend going to the pool and this oh so small matter of our sewer line backing up and having to have roto rooter come clean it out. But through all of that my thoughts were firmly around Mom. I had to try hard to not relive what was going on last year and I mostly succeeded. My most emotional moments were really around Smiley - she is so funny right now and Mom loved this age, she would have gotten such a kick out of her. There is also have the added stress of Dad still being in the hospital. We talked on Saturday night if he wanted me to drive down and put flowers on her grave and he didn't. He told me what he had planned to do (donate $ to the church in her memory) had he been home and he was rather upset that he wasn't home to do it. My brother contended that it was good he was in the hospital because he was distracted. I contend that he would be much happier at home without the various tubing and wires protruding from his body. My brother and I disagree on many things and of course, this is no exception.
I think I have managed pretty well over the past year. I have my moments of almost crippling grief but I think I have done OK. I can talk about her without crying and can remember all the fun we had. I think I have a harder time when others share their memories of her because I can see the impact that she had on so many other lives and it makes me sad that so many others have holes in their hearts as well. It is also hard with the girls. Chatty has seemed to have the hardest time with losing Grandma but curiously enough she misses her most when she is having a rough time which is also when I miss her the most. Bug doesn't talk about it much and of course, Smiley doesn't remember her and that is so very very hard for me.
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Mom, not a day goes by that I don't wish to hear your voice or more importantly your laugh.
I miss our phone calls when I am driving. I even miss those frustrating calls when you couldn't get the computer to work right. I miss being able to just talk and have you listen and tell me it is going to be OK.
I miss your cooking advice although I think you would be proud of the cook I am becoming.
I have only had one dream about you and in it you were smiling and laughing and it brought me much needed comfort.
The girls miss you so much that it makes my heart hurt but I know that you watch over them and keep them safe.
Plain and simple, I miss you and your presence and your love. I have a hole in my heart that will never heal - it may not hurt as much but it will never be the same.
I love you with all my heart has......Amy
This is very very long, my apologies up front.
The past 10 days have contained 4 surgeries for 3 members of my family, 7 dr's appointments, 4 day visit from SIL and family, 5 days of middle school training and 4 days of pottery camp, many many tears and more stress than I could ever imagine well maybe I could imagine more stress but for my fragile psyche it has been pretty tough.
7/29 Mr Fly had knee surgery. It was not an emergency, he hurt it playing soccer back in June. The surgery went well and he is recovering nicely but it added an extra layer of complexity to what would happen the next day. As an aside, they gave him versed to relax him, told him it would make him feel like he had a 4 martini lunch. As they wheeled him away they asked him if he felt like he had had the 2nd martini and he quipped that he would have rather have had a mojito. I laughed as I told him "You know how I know your gay??" Yes the last thing my husband heard before he went under was his own wife questioning his sexuality - wife of the year sitting right here!
7/30 Took Mr F to lunch (he is not a sit at home person) ran a couple of errands and took him home for a healthy dose of painkillers and ice and for me to take a shower (this will be important later). Get phone call from Dad, he is an ambulance on his way up to a hospital in our fair city with a case of appendicitis. I meet him at hospital to asses the situation. They will be doing surgery but not sure when. Call FIL to come be with Mr F and kids leave to run home to pick up baby and pick up dinner for everyone (except me, forgot about me)and head back to hospital. He goes into surgery around 8:30 and is out by 9:30 - did great. I headed home around 10:30, exhausted, hungry and smelly.
7/31 Have an important appointment with therapist in afternoon and Dad is getting released at some point. He calls in morning and gets me all worked up telling me he will be released at 12:08 and he would just sit around in the lobby until I could come get him. I tell him I will be there in 30 min to talk to nurse. Drop Smiley off at the sitter's and head to the hospital to find out Dad had read the board in his room wrong and the would not be releasing him until he farted and no it certainly would not be until much later in the afternoon if he was lucky. Too late to go home and shower so we headed to appt. After appt, took the girls to get lunch and run another errand. Called Dad and said I would run home take a quick shower and be up to get him. He was ready then so I dropped Mr F off, grabbed diaper bag (Mr F still on painkillers) and went to pick Dad up with big girls and baby. Girls immediately get into fight, I turn around and make one of them stay with Mr F. Got Dad and made the hour drive to his house. Realized that he has very little food in the house and I have nothing to feed the kids and in his small town they don't have fast food and everything else closes early and also forgot a bottle for the baby - not a good thing to forget. Finally get home at 10:00 with 2 very hungry tired kids, hungry smelly tired worried Mommy. Finally get a shower (3 days later, yes I went 3 days without a shower) and food not fried and not fast.
8/1 Tried to get caught up on laundry and clean up because SIL and family will be visiting on Monday. Went to outdoor theater in 1000% humidity and heat that caused my feet to swell so badly that I had to go barefoot. Got home very late and looking forward to sleeping in.
8/2 phone rings at 8:00 a.m. Dad on his way back up to ER, his neighbor is going to drive him. Met them at hospital after breaking up several fights (the teenage years are clearly going to kill me) spend 5 hours in ER waiting for them to move him to a room. His stomach is so swollen he looks like he's pregnant and he is in a lot of pain. The put a tube down his nose and into his stomach to drain the stuff out. I make it home in time to go with Mr F and the girls to see some of his extended family and to be ignored by FILs bitchy girlfriend.
8/3 Spend day cleaning as much as I can and spend a few hours at hospital with Dad. Swelling has gone down some but he cannot have anything by mouth so his mouth and throat are very very dry but he is doing ok.
8/4 Tweenager has middle school training class every morning this week. Clean some more, go see Dad and take chatty to pottery camp every afternoon this week. Get groceries and head home. Guests arrive and chaos ensues. Dad is still the same, tells me I don't have to come see him because I have so much going on. Tell him that is not on the table and I will be there every day.
8/5 MS training, Pottery camp go to brunch with guests and then head to family therapy. Head to hospital while guests go visit some other friends. Dad hasn't improved much if any.
8/6 MS training, Pottery camp, take Smiley to the pediatric asthma specialist and find out that yes, she does have asthma and put together action plan. At the same time Mr F is at the other end of town with Chatty at her psychiatrist appointment. Decide her stimulant meds are ok but need to add a mood stabilizer (not happy about this but am going to try for 6 wks) to help with her anger issues. I drop Smiley at sitters, head to school to pick up Tweenager and Chatty to take Chatty back to other end of town for appointment with psychologist. While waiting on Dr, Dad calls, morning xrays were worse than prior days and he will be having surgery but not sure when. Go ahead with appt and head home. Go pick up Smiley and Chatty and Dad calls again will be doing surgery soon. Speed home drop all kids with SIL (Mr F on his way home) and head to hospital. Delayed surgery to 9:00 and then it was bumped up and then moved back. Dr explains that he is concerned because Dad's bowels and intestines do not appear to be working and they need to know why. Will do scope unless they find anything big and then they would have to open him up to fix. I am scared shitless and very very worried that he will die. Mr F bring me a sandwich and SIL to sit with me while I waited, both were welcomed. Surgery is quick. A band of fat has slipped down and obstructed the bowel. Dr took it out and said everything else looked good - no bowel/intestine perforations etc. He got back to room at 11:00 I told him goodnight and headed home.
8/7 MS training, Pottery Camp. Talked to Dad this morning, told him what they found in surgery etc. He was pretty groggy so I told him I would come up later. Toilet flooded not sure why. BIL tried like to fix but was unsuccessful. Saw guests off. Took big girls to lunch and then ran some errands. Black sheep brother called and was pissy with me because Dad isn't feeling good because you know that is my responsibility. Head to hospital and Dad really does not feel good. Dr came in and pulled back to covers and Dad's stomach looked like it did 5 days ago - swollen and it is very very tender to touch. Dad told Dr that he had had a very bad day which is not like my Dad at all. Dr says he will give it another 24 hours. I asked what would happen after 24 hours and he didn't really have an answer, he only said I can't imagine that he wouldn't be better. But I can tell he is perplexed. As he was standing there, I could almost hear the wheels turning in his head.
So that has been my last 10 days, I have been so busy it has not been funny but it has done one good thing, take my mind off the fact that as of Sunday Mom will have been gone for a year. My diet has been crappy, I haven't been getting enough sleep and my emotions are on the surface. I am so afraid of losing my Dad. I was already battling the depression and this is not helping but I cannot find the time to get in to see a Dr. Hell I can't even get the prescriptions my kids need filled. I am being pulled in 50 different directions and to top all of that off, when I got home tonight Smiley fell and hit her mouth and had a breath holding spell which means she holds her breath until she passes out - I had the phone in my hand ready to call 911 when she finally came around.
I haven't done any back to school shopping, Tweenager had to cancel a planned movie outing where I was going to take her and several friends to see a movie because if anything happens with Dad I need to get to the hospital quickly and can't have other kids with me - too stressful. Tweenager was as understanding as she could be but the poor baby was so upset and she has been planning this for 2 weeks. She is also experiencing a high amount of anxiety related to starting middle school in a couple of weeks
I have so much to do in the next couple of weeks, including a small task called finding a job since my severance and insurance run out at the end of the month. To say I am stressed is a small understatement. I know I need to take care of myself but I can honestly say, I don't know how. Therapist says I need to take time for myself but I don't have time to find someone to take care of my kids and Mr F is pretty much back in school mode. He starts soccer practice next week and then school starts and then soccer season starts and then it is pure craziness.
I know it will slow down soon and I will be able to relax once things settle down a bit but until then I am hanging on by a thread, a very thin thread but I am hanging on nonetheless.
Now I am off to feed my inner rockstar with some Guitar Hero 3.