The Adventures of TMLSB

The new funniest thing on the internet

2006-08-03T15:42:00.000-04:00

I swear to you, this is it. Most of the time this stuff doesn't amuse me, but this little cartoon is different.

Enjoy everybody.

A peek thru a keyhole into the world of internet hosting

2006-08-03T06:46:00.000-04:00

So, for the umpteenth time since we made the cataclysmic decision to sign up with stargate dot com, we're having HUGE problems getting my blog moved there. It seems that their one of the few hosts that don't have a cPanel that's worth a shit, making the process very tedious and time consuming.

The person doing my design and move has been VERY patient, but we are close to the point where I just say "FUCK IT!" and move it all to Bluehost dot com. I am sick and tired of being ignored at stargate.

Like today. I called support and everyone's busy. So I try their "Insta-chat" support feature and am told that it's for sales only, and to call support, who it turn are all busy. So I then open a ticket at livechat's advice and am told that someone will be with me momentarily.

Five hours later, and the ticket doesn't even show up yet. Hell, the support guy I was getting chat-transferred to dumped the connection, so I'm no further than I was four days ago, except my money's getting spent on a developer and my host is fucking the whole thing up times ten.

For the record, my consultanty person has been uber-professional and understanding and committed, but I question how long she'll put up with this shit.

You better get it together stargate dot com. There are about five gozillion hosts out there that would be more than willing to simply not suck at what they do.

Update:

Fuck Stargate dot com. Fuck them Fuck them Fuck them.

After dragging their dicks in the dirt for nearly 8 days, I made the now very easy decision to move to bluehost dot com. And do you know what? They offer a free domain with a transfer, the transfers were ten bucks a piece, I got my new domain immediately, and lo and behold, my developer person has already uploaded a lot of the template to the new site, www.tmlsb.com!

Now tell me how a hosting company stays in business when they don't answer support requests at all, they don't take support calls and it's impossible to get sites up and running? Oh, and they charge 6.50 a month more for less stuff than bluehost dot com.

Oh, and if you by chance do have any trouble with bluehost.com, do you know what you do? YOU CALL THE 800 NUMBER PLASTERED ALL OVER THE FRONT PAGE OF THEIR WEBSITE!!!

Stargate? Why, you had to drill thru a number of windows before finding a toll number that did nothing more than do a loop transfer to a voicemail or back to the receptionist.

Thanks Bluehost and Fuck off and Die Stargate!!

another little teaser

2006-08-01T15:35:00.000-04:00

Here's the second of the two banners you will have to choose from when visiting my new blog, located at: http://www.tmlsb.com

A little teaser

2006-08-01T15:34:00.000-04:00

This is one of the two banners you'll be able to choose from at my new and improved site: http://www.tmlsb.com

This should surprise no one...

2006-08-01T13:58:00.000-04:00

But I've lifted yet another idea from another blogger. With the exception of some homo-erotic brokeback videos I've posted recently, this seems to be all I can do lately.

Anyway, here's the quiz. Sure, it's kind of like those "100 things" or "five things" or whatever quizes, but hey, if you're still here reading this crap, then you're obviously interested.

Oh, and if you're still reading this Mrs. Weber, thanks for all of your hard work and I look forward to seeing you and Mr. Weber in September.

A If you were an ANIMAL, what would you be? I would be a Labrador Retriever. Or possibly a Hawk.

B BOOKS: What’s on your reading list? I am curretly reading Life Expectancy by Dean Koontz and a true crime story called "Cop" by a 21 year LAPD veteran.

C COMPULSIVE about anything? I am compulsive about being on time, my daughters obeying their parents and weighing 199 pounds. The last one's not yet been re-attained.

D DREAMS - Do you … dream in color? remember your dreams? keep a dream journal? I dream in color. I do remember some dreams but not all the time. And the only dream journal I would ever keep is if I wrote about them here.

E EATING - what’s your usual snack? My usual snack is either a Kashi bar (the greatest snack bar ever) or a mustard and swiss sandwhich.

F A Few of your FAVORITE Things: Taking pictures, cooking on my Big Green Eggs, pitching horseshoes, sitting next to my wife in bed while we both goof around on our laptops, having an early afternoon beer with friends at the beach, someday sleeping thru the night again.

G GIGGLES! What (or who) makes you laugh? Do you have a good sense of humor? I think I have a great sense of humor. My wife is, without question, the funniest person I know. My neighbor Stephen is the funniest son of a bitch I think I've ever met in person. Ever.

H major HOT Button: I fucking hate rude or blatantly inattentive drivers.

I I am fiercely protective of my friends and family.

K Also KNOWN As… Aliases? Screen names? A non de plume perhaps? Well, I wrote NASCAR columns around teh internets under the name Mark Backer for a few years. And my BGE screen name is Dos Huevos (Spanish for Two Eggs).

L I LOVE …My wife. More than anyone or anything on the planet.

M How do you feel about MEETING people? Do it all the time? Rarely? Parties or 1-on-1? I enjoy meeting people and do it often. I am horrific with names though. I've got neighbors that, I swear to God, it took me TWO YEARS to remember their names. Most folks that know me know that though, and I'm often mocked for it.

N What’s the story of your NAME? were you named after anyone? Do you go by a nickname? Any aliases? To the best of my knowledge, my name has no story. I'm not named after anyone that I know of. I only know that one time my dad looked me in the face and said "If you need any proof that I love you, know that I didn't name you Floyd Jr." I thought that was pretty cool of him.

O OBSERVANT - What’s around you right now? What do you see? A mess. My desk is always always always a mess. My wife has seizures when she visits my office. If we have "visitors" coming to the office, my desk warrants a special visit from the President to remind me to tidy up a bit.

Q Any Little QUIRKs About Yourself: I know the zip codes of the entire metro Atlanta area. I once had the theme from Indiana Jones and the song Rockytop in my head for over two years. Anytime a tune came out either by whistling or humming, it was one of those two.

R What do you like to do for RECREATION? Throw horseshoes, take pictures, go to the lake, play the mailbox game that I invented (along with my nephew and BIL).

S Do You SING in the Shower? In the car? For your friends? I never sing in the shower. My wife would stab me in the neck with a diffuser if I did that. I do sing LOUDLY in the car, and I also sing while mowing the lawn and working out. Those last two are covered up with my iPod, so the only folks that can hear me are the folks around me.

T What’s at the Top of your TO DO list?: Figure out what I want to do when I grow up.

U Any UNUSUAL Experiences: I had cardiac bypass surgery out of nowhere at age 37 just last November after being told by half a dozen doctors I was lucky to not have dropped dead of a heart attack in the previous six months.

V VEGAS,Vienna,Venice,Vladivostok… How far have you traveled? What’s your favorite City? I've been to Cancun, california, the midwest, the Bahamas and Jamaica. Nothing truly far away. My favorite cities are Hilton Head, SC and Boston, MA.

W WINTER, Spring, Summer, Fall… What’s your favorite season? My favorite season, without question, is Fall. Both for weather and sports.

X EXes - Things You Don’t Do Anymore (but did, once (would you, again?)) Eat absolutely shitty foods in enormous quantities whenever I felt like it. If there were no health risks or drawbacks, I'd do that again in a second.

Y Any secret/deep YEARNINGS? A son. And to win the lottery. But that last one isn't secret.

Z ZERO to ZENITH - Where are you in your life? Still growing? On an upward (or downward) curve? Just skating along? Right now I'm just sort of skating along. Since my surgery I don't take my career as seriously as I used to. Meaning I don't sweat the little stuff at work. My family and being alive matter more than anything else. Period. Everything else is window dressing.

A couple of photos for your viewing pleasure

2006-07-31T08:52:00.000-04:00

(I'd like it noted for the record that I've been trying to upload these five photos for over two hours, but can't complete them. Apparently blogger's got an elephant cock so far down it's throat that it can't make room for some uploaded pictures. I'll keep trying).

Photo posting update: We're now well into the fourth hour of blogger dot com not working worth a runny shit.

I can NOT wait to get moved to my own site.

Another update: It's now been five hours since I started trying to upload pictures. Fuck it. Here's a link to them:

photo 1

photo 2

photo 3

photo 4

photo 5

A little home movie

2006-07-30T14:09:00.000-04:00

We call this one "Drunken Tater Fight." Sorry it's so cruddy, but it's a cell phone movie.

One of the good people...

2006-07-29T16:45:00.000-04:00

My friend Ethel is participating in Blogathon 2006. That's where folks blog every 30 minutes minimum for 24 hours to raise money for a charity of their choice. Ethel is doing this to support our friend and fellow stalker Clare, so go check it out.

Oh, and she's the second funniest woman I know in real life, so it'll be worth it. Especially when she's lookpy and going on and on about Harry Connick Jr.'s ass.

The Ethel Experience

a blog from GBD

2006-07-28T15:28:00.000-04:00

Since GBD won't take the time out of her schedule to maintain her blog, I thought I'd post this here. This is the typical lazy day of a work-at-home-mom. Enjoy.

It's my day off, so I had a few errands to run. My main goal was to go to the tag office and renew my tags. (Believe it or not we are STILL dealing with issues from the trade-in on my old car due to the dealership). It's a long story and I won't bore you with the details - but I had to get a new tag and attempt to get an $85 credit from the DMV .

So after Sophia's nap we piled in the car and off we go.

As soon as I pull in the parking lot I hear "grunting" from the back. Yep - she pooped. There's the smell.

Ok, I change her in the car because I don't want to do it in the DMV. I took off my old license plate, got the girls situated and we went in.....to a HUGE line! Let's say 40 people in line and only 3 DMV workers.

To their credit they moved the line pretty fast. Of course we had "Jimmy talks A LOT and really LOUD" in front of us who wanted to carry on a conversation (like he didn't notice I had my hands full with the girls).

Anyway, we get to the window and I tell my story blah blah blah (at this point I'm just glad to be away from "sir talky". The lady is very nice, but I quickly realize this is going to take longer than I thought. I had called my insurance company prior to leaving because they had to make a correction in their system to show we never had a lapse in coverage (it was the dealership that turned in the wrong VIN number).

Of course, she didn't do what she said so now I'm on the phone at the window and the line behind me is growing and growing. Lauren is playing hopscotch in the color tiles on the floor and I'm trying to get her closer to me and away from the angry line.

Meanwhile, "Jimmy" hasn't shut up at the window across from us (seriously telling the DMV lady his life story which everyone can hear because he's so flipping LOUD). I finally got the insurance company to do what they needed to. Now the DMV lady needs to get a refund form (in triplicate, btw) but she can't put her hands on it, so she goes to ask someone else for one.

The line is now out the door (and it's 98 degrees outside) and I can hear the people moaning.

Sophia decides she is hungry so I attempt to give her some cheerios to hold her over. Of course now Lauren wants some cheerios and she is fighting Sophia for them . DMV lady comes back and says she can't find the form so she's called her supervisor back from her break and is waiting for her return. OMG the people in line are forming a lynch mob now.

"Jimmy" finally stops talking and is leaving the window and get this....everyone in line starts clapping - SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!! Ok, so he's bugging the crap out of everyone not just me - whew!

But now I have become "that person" in line who is taking way too long and they've all started to focus their attention on me. I pull the girls closer and try not to make eye contact with any of them. Then Lauren looks at me and says "Mommy I have to poopy really bad". I think this is where the twitching began.

I beg her to sit on the floor, dance, hold her bum, whatever it takes. No dice - she's gotta go right now. So the DMV lady says go ahead and take her while we are waiting for my supervisor. So I say "Ok, where are the bathrooms"? Right around the corner she said. Yeah, right around the corner from the angry mob!!!!!!!

So I'm running past everyone pushing Sophia in the stroller and pulling Lauren behind me. Lauren lost a flip flop and tried to stop and get it - but I kept pulling and said "just leave it we'll get it on the way back". We made it to the bathroom in one piece (minus a shoe) and I'm trying to explain to Lauren that she can't just sit there - she MUST push and get the poop out!

She made pretty good time and I was able to retrieve the shoe on the way back past the fire breathing mobsters. We return to the window and the supervisor is just walking up - whew!

Wait - who is screaming??? Oh, right - that's Sophia because now she is STARVING and the cheerios are gone. Ok, I can make a bottle with one hand, sign the form with the other and keep a close eye on Lauren - no problem. I talked Lauren into holding the bottle for Sophia while I filled out the forms.

About 45 minutes later we're done. I'm dripping sweat at this point - but I have my license plate in hand. Lauren is thirsty from all the cheerios but the water fountain is in the middle of the line so there was no way in hell I was sending her into the lions den. I ran out of there - got the girls in the car and put my plate on.

At this point, I've decided that I am NOT going to the grocery or to get my oil changed. I had already promised Lauren we would go to the car wash (one of those full service car wash places) because she LOVES watching our car go through, etc. Lucky me, the car wash place does oil changes and since I'm getting my car washed it's half price. So we go inside to wait and there it is.........that smell........that familiar stinky smell........ Sophia pooped AGAIN! But now I don't have my car to change her in so I take all of us to the bathroom in the car wash place. Of course there is no changing table so I attempt to change her in the umbrella stroller! Yeah, that went as well as you would think - NOT! Poop everywhere. Lauren is gagging from the smell and Sophia is laughing. They had a full length mirror on the wall and I looked up and just started LMAO! I looked horrible - the sweat is back, I have poop on my hands, I'm trying to stop Lauren from gagging and Sophia from falling out of the stroller.

Well Lauren is hungry and still thirsty - but luckily this place sells drinks and snacks. So I get her a slushy and a huge slim jim (gross I know - but she loves them). This place also has legos so now Lauren is set while we are waiting. I sit down and try to take a deep breath (but still can't do that). Then Lauren is spitting the slim jim out of her mouth saying HOT HOT HOT. Son of a bitch- I bought her a tabasco slim jim by mistake. So she's chugging her slushy (and cussing me under her breath I'm sure) while I go buy her a regular slim jim.

I'm waiting in line and I hear a crashing sound - Lauren had built a tower with the legos which have now fallen over and the legos are from one end of the place to the other. The twitching returns.

Now it's Sophia's nap time and it's taking FOREVER for them to detail the car. An hour later the car is ready (and so am I)! We get in and they moved Lauren's seat all the way forward. I have NO idea how to move it back. So she rode home with her knees in her eyes basically. My FIL calls me on the way home and as I'm talking to him Lauren yells "Mommy mommy - safety violation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" WTF? I never buckled her in. Seriously. I had to pull over to the side of the rode to buckle her (trying to hide this safety violation from my FIL but trying to get off the phone at the same time).

Ok, we're home now and Sophia is sleeping. I think I'll go poop now. It's my turn....

A statement to all drivers with whom I share the roadways

2006-07-28T14:07:00.000-04:00

I need to get something off of my chest, so here goes.

For some time now, I've noticed that more and more drivers are driving very much like a bunch of blind, insane, 90 year-old asian women trying to eat a salad, talk on the phone, smoke, and put on make-up, and at the same time changing lanes whenever they feel like it, speeding up or slowing down for no reason, running lights, failing to yield the right of way, making U-turns anywhere they'd like, stopping in the middle of the road, diving in and out of HOV lane, dicing six lanes across traffic to make an exit in the last 100 feet, driving in the GOAR, cutting in and slamming on their brakes, making right turns from the left lane or left turns from the right lane, driving and passing in the emergency lane and racing up on the right side to pass one extra car before the lane ends at a brick wall, and many other specific offenses too numerous to mention.

To all of you selfish bastards, I say this:

You better watch the fuck out.

You see, for many many years I drove very VERY defensively. I was way poor. Not that I'm not poor now, but back then I was "buying sammich meat and milk at the gas station at 10 times its normal price just because they would take the credit card on which I could not afford to make the payments. Our two paid off cars were our only real assets and we were willing to do about anything to avoid having anything happen to them.

But you see, we are now a tick better off than back then. That is to say that I could make an insurance deductible payment without worry. And let me tell you, this reveleation should concern you a great deal.

I recently decided that I would take your nonsense no more.

Now, that's not to say that I am going to run around trying to issue Barney Fife-like citizen's arrests or any such nonsense. But I will take opportunities, when presented, to correct you.

I will honk and wave and talk clearly to you even in slow or stopped traffic. I will happily pull up next to you and ask if you've had some sort of cardiac episode that made you do that, or are you just retarded.

But what should worry those of you out there that break the golden rule of driving, which is passing me on the right in a lane that you know ends shortly, is this:

In times past, I would have eventually relented and let you in line for fear of damaging my precious vehicle. But now, I hate my car. Well, I don't hate it hate it, but I don't like it, and I want out of it. I don't care if you hit the right side of it. And I will drive you into that cement wall at the end of your lane rather than let you in front of me.

And do you know the best part? When the law arrives, it will have been your fault.

You see, your lane ends, and is marked by signage that it ends. That means that YOU have to yield to get in line, not that we have to yield to let you in line. YOU ARE THE ONE ASKING PERMISSION, NOT US!

Want in behind me? Fine. There's a spot right there. So many other motorists are so tired of that shit that you often see two, three and four of them nose to tail, literally bumper to bumper, refusing to let your dumb ass in line. It almost renews my faith in some of my fellow men. I and my fellow motorists have recently started acting as a unit, using an unspoken language of upwardly raised thumbs and wild gesticulating applause when we successfully leave you behind to try to merge from a dead stop in front of a wall instead of you being able to merge in behind us at a decent speed.

And why do they do this? Because they too believe that their time is just as valuable as the douchebags that try to skirt the law and generally use bad or no manners and act as bullies in 6,000 pound cars figuring that their aggressiveness will be accepted merely out of fear by their fellow motorists and taxpayers.

Remember the movie Billy Jack? Remember how he taught the kids at the school to take and take and take until eventually he couldn't take any more?

Well look out, folks. Billy Jack just came to town, and he's had about enough. Instead of taking off his hat and his shoes and quietly placing them on the park bench, he's sitting at an intersection in Gwinnett County near you in a Chevy Trailblazer and he's had about an assful of your nonsense.

Have a great weekend everybody.

Homemade IQ test

2006-07-28T13:55:00.000-04:00

I frequently read a blog by a guy named Ben. It's funny. He makes me laugh. Ethel (and others) think I have a man crush on him. To them I say "Who cares? Maybe I do. But as long as Ben's okay with it, then the rest of you can fuck off."

Actually, I say I don't and that I'm comfortable enough to say when a strange guy on the internet makes me laugh. Well, I don't know for sure that he's strange. But he's a stranger to me, or a Don't Know according to my daughter and John Walsh and the people from The Safe Side videos.

Anywho, here is something he came up with, along with my answers at the bottom (so you don't cheat).

Enjoy.

**********************

Today's useless tidbit is animal hearding. See if you can correctly guess what each group of animals is called when there are several of them together. Example: A pack of wolves.

Lions
Crows
Turkeys
Fish
Geese
Horses
Ants
Beavers
Hummingbirds
Hyenas
Jellyfish
Kangaroos
Leopards
Lizards
Crocodiles
Camels
Butterflies
Locusts
Hawks
Owls

We'll make the worth 10 points each, leading up to a possible score of 200 (clarified for those who might not do so well on normal IQ tests).

Yes, it would be very easy to just look the answers up on the internet, but seriously, give it a try before you do. Write down the answers before you open the comments box. No copying others!

Some groups have multiple answers. Answers will be posted on Friday. Let's do a prize too, shall we? Highest score gets a plug on my website, and I'll post on the subject of their choice for a day.

At the end of the day, this is the honor system. There's no money involved, so please be honest.

**********************

See? I hadn't even read the rest. Just answer in the comments and I'll pick a winner or write about a subject of your choice or post a nude photo of myself (a tasteful one of me washing the car or working out). Good luck!!

For the record...

2006-07-28T11:16:00.000-04:00

I've come to a conclusion regarding jokes and the telling of jokes.

Don't bother telling, sending, repeating, or even starting a joke with a real person in it. I'm not listening.

Politics have become contentious enough, and it's made it impossible to even enjoy jokes that start with:

"President Busch, Dick Cheney and Bill Clinton are on an airplane..."

The thing is, I know where this is going. It's dumb, predictable, low-brow and tired. And I'd say the same for a "Hillary, Bill and Monica check into a hotel" or "Ariel Sharon, Yassir Arafat and Ronald Reagan are at the Pearly Gates" or "Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan walk into a bar / are building a house / die in a plane crash" and so on.

They're not funny. Ever. And all they are is a chance for a cheap laugh with people of similar beliefs as you or to make fun of / browbeat someone whose beliefs differ from yours.

Now, if you want to see a couple of funny jokes, here are some. Be warned that funny to me might be call the cops unfunny to someone else. But if you've read this far, you know me and know for sure what you're in for.

Number One:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay,you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Number Two:

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

Number 3:

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am
today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma,
know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his
underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're
eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

Number 4:

A man comes home from work and sees his girlfriend's bags packed by the front door.

He says, "Where are you going honey?"

She replies "I'm leaving you, you fucker."

Shocked, he asks "But why?"

"I just found out that you're a pedophile! That's why!"

"Pedophile? That's a pretty big word for an eight year old."

Dad's night out

2006-07-28T10:20:00.000-04:00

Once a month, GBD goes out for MNO. No, it's not Men Need Oral. It's Mom's Night Out.

See, GBD is in a mom's group and has been since 1doh was a few months old, and once a month these broads get together for a meal and cocktails and probably bitch about their husbands.

Well, mine doesn't bitch about me because I'm perfect. But I'm sure the rest do.

Anyway, I'm always complaining about not having a Dad's Night Out. Granted, I don't actually complain about it to her, since if I was the one working at home with the kids, I'd have gone insane about 3 days after starting that job. Needless to say I appreciate her efforts and therefore I don't complain openly, TO HER, about MNO.

But I've always wanted there to be a DNO. UnkTodd and I talk about it often, and we agree there should be a DNO.

So last night, without UnkTodd, I decided to make a little DNO of my own.

See, my buddy Camp Cashion had his brother and sister-in-law in for the week, and I haven't seen them since the horseshoe tournament three or so years ago that saw their dog smacked with a wayward horseshoe. It was the dog's fault by the way, and he ended up with a $500 root canal.

So since I missed the Sunday grill out and bullshit session, I decided it'd head over there last night or a few beers and fellowship.

Well I had a few beers and enjoyed some fellowship, getting bitten by their "gentle" bird, getting my toe split open by a very excited Huc k, and then the sad realization that regardless of how many beers I had, it was Thursday and not Friday night, so I had to go home and get sleep so I could get up for work today. That realization sucked donkey balls.

It was also nice to see former BDL teammate Waller again. I further enjoyed seeing a BonCash unfettered by childcare responsibilities and in the comfort of her own home socially without the responsibility of a post festivities drive. If you get a chance to sit with BonCash for a few minutes when she's got a buzz, do it. It's totally worth it.

That said, these are some things I enjoy:

* Beers with friends, both new and old.
* Talking about the finer points of "The Brazilian" with an actual Brazilian. Oh, and I learned something, by the way. I was told that it means to be hairless from "the anus to the clitoris." (Her words, not mine). Yet that description was followed by a gesturing and a repeat saying "hairless to here," and the gesture ended at the belt buckle.

I've got news for you. If THAT'S where the man in the boat resides, then I've been looking in the COMPLETELY wrong place for that little bastard.

* Proving to someone that their bird is not harmless by letting him bite me in the fucking finger.
* Seeing little girls with suntans and eggshell white bums getting out of the tub. Mine, the Cashion's, whomevers. They are just cute enough to make you burst into flames.
* The laughter of any kids under five when you hold them over your head. It's funny, but they ALL go insane with laughter when you do that.
* Talking about and seeing photos of CampCashion's BIL's new house, to be moved into in mid-August. THAT is going to be goodtime central fo shizzle my bizzle.
* And mostly, just the easiness of hanging out with true friends. There might not be anything better in the whole wide world.

2006-07-28T09:55:00.000-04:00

Here's one that made me laugh, until I got the results:

You Are: Stan

You are Stan. You live a very sad life. That is why you try to flex every little bit of power you have over others. Maybe you were always picked last in gym class or they guy who always stood by the door at parties. Whatever the reason you have a chip on your shoulder and can't let it go even though it keeps you from achieving any amout of success in this world.

Dorktown: Population - me

2006-07-28T09:10:00.000-04:00

Here's a quiz that I made up for you. If you like it, send it to someone that knows me. If you don't like it, my wife made me

My morning

2006-07-27T10:29:00.000-04:00

So today, after inadvertantly putting it off for months, I had an appointment to have my cholesterol, lipids and other stuff checked via blood test for my cardiologist.

I like early appointments and I select them over mid-day ones if I can help it. I cannot STAND missing 3 hours of work sitting in a Doctor's office lobby in the middle of the day. When I have my regular cardiologist appointments, I make them for 7am so it's over and it doesn't waste half the day.

So this morning, the earliest appointment was 8am, so I took that. I got there at 7:30am just to be safe and assure my place in line as FFTGS (First Fucker To Get Seen). I LOVE being FFTGS. That's how I roll.

This gives me the chance to enjoy some banter with the ladies at the counter / check-in area. Halfway thru my sign-in, which included my agreement that you shouldn't be charged a co-pay if you're getting poked with a needle, one of the ladies says "you're only 38 and you've had bypass?"

So I give the 45 second answer, complete with my having formerly been a needlepuss, but now I'm very brave thanks to friendly but pro-needle pricky folks at their practice and at St. Joseph's of Atlanta. I even told the "I fainted giving blood for my marriage license" story, which they all loved.

Anyway, at 8am all the lab patients get called to a sub-waiting room with no televisions, and we all sit down. That is until one woman says "Have any of you done this before?"

I figure she's scared, so I say "I have, but not here. It's no big deal. I've had a bypass."

She replies "No. I mean here. See, that paper they gave you? If you don't all put that in the basket over there, you'll never get called."

By the way, the sign behind the basket said (in all caps) PLEASE PUT PAPERWORK FACE-DOWN IN BASKET.

So we all do that, and for the sake of courtesy, we let her go first. I went second.

It proceeds to take roughly 15 minutes to call the first person, and another 13 to get her blood draw done. Since I had to fast since midnight last night, I am now officially starving to death. Literally. I have had two quarts of water while in the lobby hoping to fool my system into thinking I'm full, but all it knows is that I've got to pee again and risk missing my turn by not being there when the nurse calls my name.

Nevertheless, I pee again, and get back (the second time) at 8:27am. My name is called at 8:29am and I hustle in, ask her for an arm preference to which she replies "either."

I give her the right arm, she looks, pokes, and is done in seconds. I was literally in my car at 8:31am.

On the way thru the way back thru the lobby, the same three gals looked up and more or less in unison shouted "HEY!! You didn't faint!!! Have a great day!"

Nice.

Before I left yesterday, my boss had said "See you around ten." I had told my boss in return that if I was here a second past 9am I'd be pissed.

I'll have you know that I was at the elevator...I mean the stairs...at 8:58am and if I hadn't fielded a call in the lobby that I didn't want to drop by walking into the elevator, I'd have been at my desk at 9am.

Thumb's up to me.

Well folks, the time is drawing near

2006-07-26T15:44:00.000-04:00

After doing a good deal of research (and stealing from my friend Ethel), I believe I have selected the person to help me migrate from blogger dot com to wordpress to the blog's ultimate home:

(drum roll please)

w w w . t m l s b . c o m

That's right people. In the very near future, this site will undergo a MASSIVE facelift that will include a cleaner look, new features (for both you readers and myself), and a few bells and whistles along the way.

Stay tuned and check back frequently. Cuz when it drops, it's gonna be dope.

Word.

2006-07-26T08:27:00.000-04:00

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...
And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

My local police blotter

2006-07-25T07:51:00.000-04:00

By registering thru some country-provided website, I am able to enjoy the daily police intake records from my area (complete with accompanying photos).

Now, 99.99% of the time, you don't know who they are or where exactly they live. But I will say that the .01% of the time that you either know them or of them or their situation, it's exponentially funny. One example of this is the step daughter of someone I know that's 21 getting busted for possession of meth and coke while in the company of a meth and coke head 56 year old loser, all while on probation. Another example is the dumb fucker on my nephew's football team who is 18, despite being in tenth grade. He was recently busted for burglary, which I believe stemmed from either breaking into cars or basements. He was also (more than a little) suspected of absconding with almost every cell phone, wallet or ipod left unattended in the locker room over the last two years.

Oh, there's another good example where three aspiring MENSA members were busted for breaking into houseboats at Lake Lanier and stealing plasma televisions and similar electronic equipment. Now, these are kids who most assuredly couldn't keep their parents from catching them masturbating, but suddenly they think they are starring in Mission Impossible 4: committing felonies as teenagers and not getting caught either by the law or running their yaps (This is still a working title by the way).

Anyway, today's entries made me laugh and I will share them with you with descriptions and charges (but no names or addresses. That'd be rude). I will list the charges and then show the pictures, and you try to guess which person was charged with what:

(edit to add: I would have posted this in a much fancier method if blogger dot com didn't suck giant elephant balls and was able to post photos once in a blue fucking moon).

Which one do you think was charged with possession of marijuana and which one was charged with DUI and failure to maintain his lane?

(Quite frankly, I think the second guy might have also had a failure to maintain his position in the vehicle or a failure to maintain a shut freaking pie hole when talking with a law enforcement officer).

I mean, look at the second guy. I've seen better bandagings done by six year olds on cats. It looks like someone took a handful of Subway napkins out of a glove compartment and slapped them on his bloody head.

Remember the movie 9 1/2 Weeks?

2006-07-24T09:22:00.000-04:00

Well, you're not gonna like this then. Here's a recent photo of film "star" and "professional" boxer Mickey Rourke.

Holy crap, people. This is the guy that all the girls were damp over just under two decades ago. Whatever happened to the dreamy and mysterious guy from Wild Orchid or Angel Heart? This guy didn't age gracefully at all. He didn't start looking mor eand more dignified. He turned into a combination of Mickey Rooney and Doctor Evil.

Oh, and when I googled him to see what movies he'd been in, I got this story:

Hollywood star MICKEY ROURKE has an unusual way of dealing with his anger - he cuts off his finger. The actor was taken to hospital and had to endure eight hour surgery to save his finger. Rourke is no stranger to violence, he trained as a boxer in his youth and took a five year break from his acting career to take the sport up professionally. The eccentric star says, "I cut my little finger off because I thought I didn't want it. I was angry about something so I decided I didn't need the end of the little finger on my left hand. "I didn't cut it off completely - it was still hanging on a tendon - and an English friend, GARY, carefully carried the end of it as we went to hospital to try to rectify the situation. It took the surgeon eight hours to sew it back on. I still can't bend it properly."

Ummm....what? He "thought he didn't want" his little finger?

Jesus Christ, dude. That's screwed up.

Oh, and while I was looking and reading this story, I found a few more fabulous pictures.

Here's one of Mickey wearing God knows what staring at Brittney Murphy's moneymaker.

Here's Mickey doing his best to look like Karl Lagerfeld.

And here's one of Mickey looking like a corpse.

When is Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man 2 coming out anyway?

A little photo essay

2006-07-23T14:14:00.000-04:00

Yes, it was after moving around 300 bags of charcoal, but this is how bad my psoriasis has gotten in the past two weeks. I'm already finding another dermatologist and hoping this one will be a tic more aggressive.

An oldie but a goodie

2006-07-21T14:37:00.000-04:00

(I posted this in January, but I only had two readers then, and I already know my mom's answers to this).

I was working on the laptop of a guy at my office and we were talking during the "work," when he said something like "How many jobs have you had?"

"A lot," I replied.

"I've had a lot too," he said.

I always thought that I'd had a lot of jobs. Then he proceeded to show me a list of all of his jobs. He is a little older than me (maybe five years), but his list of jobs was extensive.

See, since I was 25 years old, I've only had two jobs. But between 13 and 25 years of age, I had jobs o' plenty.

And that got me thinking. How many jobs have I actually had?

And the thing about looking back and trying to remember jobs is that it's similar to trying to recount or remember sexual partners (I assume). A job / person or two always gets overlooked.

Anyway, just to get the ball rolling, I am going to list jobs that I had over the years to the best of my recollection. If at some point I remember more, I will simply copy and paste the old list into a new entry and add the recently recalled job.

Enjoy everybody!

(I am going from most recent to oldest as best I can).

Hardwood Lump Charcoal Sales and Distribution
Catering
Computer Systems Consultant
Network Administrator for world's largest condom manufacturer
IT Tech Support rep for worst RF equipment manufacturer in America
Customer Service rep for Primerica Life Insurance
Telemarketer (for about 30 minutes)
Customer Service Manager for phone-based job listings search company
customer service rep for 800 and 900 number service provider
Bouncer and Waiter for Atlanta sports bar
Customer Service Rep for Mitsubishi in Irvine, California
Customer Service Rep for Toshiba in Irvine, California
Bouncer and Waiter for Atlanta sports bar
Waiter at Buckhead Mellow Mushroom
AP clerk for the IRS in Atlanta
Stocker for Turtles records and tapes
Pizza kitchen and appetizer"chef" at Denaro's Restaurant in Auburn, AL
Pizza Delivery guy for Morton's Pizza in Auburn, AL
Shift Supervisor / area designer for Pizza Hut Delivery
Stock boy at Bargaintown in Opelika, AL
Landscaper / shrub planter / pinestraw spreader
Order taker at Pizza Hut delivery
Busboy at Fuddruckers in Atlanta
Runner / cleanup guy at J.C. Penny's in Atlanta
Bagboy at Kroger in Atlanta
Dishwasher at Mario's Italian Ristonrante
Dishwasher at Swenson's Ice Cream in Atlanta

I think that might be it. Actually, I'm fairly certain that's not it at all, but until I hear from someone who hired me or fired me or laughed when they heard about either, this'll be the list.

How about you? How many jobs have YOU had? Can you list them?

This just came to me in the breakroom.

2006-07-21T08:02:00.000-04:00

It's not often a reasonably funny joke comes to you, or at least it doesn't happen that often to me. I mean, I think of funny stories, but not Sheckie Green like jokes. But I did today while selecting an item from the complimentary tray our company provides us.

I like my women like I like my bagels.

The smaller the hole the better.

Now, it's not laugh out loud funny, but it's not horrid either.

Happy Friday everybody!!

I heart psoriasis

2006-07-21T07:20:00.000-04:00

For those who aren't down with reveling in someone's complaining about a skin condition, feel free to either hit the "Next Blog" button or just type Storm Large into Google to see this Rockstar: Supernova contestant's prior "work."

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let's get on with it.

Until one year ago this past May, I didn't know how to spell psoriasis or even what it was. Hell, I'm not reallly sure that I know what it is today. I only know that I have it.

Actually, I knew a guy growing up whose father had it (I believe). I know he always had medicine on his arms from his elbows to his wrists and if I am recalling correctly, it was quite similar to what I am enjoying today.

First of all, Psoriasis is NOT contageous. I know that folks don't know / believe that (since when they see it, most don't know what it is), and I know that when people see what it looks like on the hands and / or elbows of someone that they don't know, they look long and hard before ultimately taking a wide berth.

This disease is one of the more mysterious chronic, non-lethal diseases that there are. No one really knows where it comes from, whether it's genetic or not or what causes it, and there is no cure for it.

According to webmd, psoriasis is:

"Psoriasis is a chronic skin condition that causes skin cells to grow too quickly, resulting in thick, white, silvery, or red patches of skin. The patches range in size from small to large and typically occur on the knees, elbows, scalp, hands, feet, or lower back. Psoriasis is most common in adults, although children and teens may be affected.

Normally, skin cells mature gradually and are shed about every 28 days. New skin cells replace outer layers of the skin surface that are shed or sloughed off during normal daily activity. In psoriasis, skin cells do not mature but instead move rapidly up to the surface of the skin over 3 to 6 days and build up, forming the characteristic patches (plaques).:

What this means in layman's terms (without the benefit of a digital camera while I am writing this) is that I have what looks like moderate to severe poison ivy on my wrists, elbows and the bottom of my forearms. It's also on the tops of my toes and my knees to some extent, but not like my fingers and forearms. There is also some peeling and flaking on either side of my nose and in my eyebrows.

Oh, and the palms of my hands look like they are either healing from severe burns or a serious sunburn, complete with peeling after the blistering has subsided.

The other bad part is that my hands are so dry that, even in the summer, the peel, crack, split and even bleed. The webbed portions between my fingers hurts second only to the deep tears in the center of my palms. If I were my friend Robert, I could say that I was the second coming of Christ and that the palm injuries were merely healing from the crucifiction, but I don't think that would fly with most folks.

I had been dealing with what I thought was just regular old dandruff since college, and it's been irregular in its frequency and severity over the years. At least until recently.

About 18 months ago, folks I knew pretty well (including friends and family) started asking me about my elbows and suggesting things like loofas and special steroid creams and such. Finally, my SIL referred me to a dermatologist who looked at me for about .00001 seconds before saying:

"You have psoriasis. There is no cure, and anything we treat it with will eventually be rendered useless due to the fact that the psoriasis morphs and becomes resistent to treatments. We will continually rotate treatments for the rest of your life, up to and including daily injections that you will have to give yourself, not unlike those received by a diabetic."

Wait. Do you mean that at some point, I will have to give myself daily shots for this? Me? The guy that passed out giving blood for his fucking marriage license?

Sweet Christ.

Another fabulous side effect of this disease is this: Psoriatic arthritis. I didn't even know about this until the last few weeks. I just thought my knees hurt from working out vigorously. But the husband of a friend informed me otherwise. He's my age, has psoriasis, and deals with the same symptoms, including the arthritis.

From webmed again:

"Psoriatic arthritis is a form of arthritis that sometimes develops in people who have a skin condition called psoriasis. It causes swelling and pain in joints—most often in the fingers and toes—in an irregular pattern that may be different on opposite sides of the body.

Treatment for psoriatic arthritis includes pain medication, patient education, and physical and occupational therapy. Severe cases may require more powerful medication called disease-modifying antirheumatic drugs (DMARDs) or steroid injections."

So, in addition to treating the psoriasis with shots, I could end up having to get steroid injections? You know....steroids. The things that make people angry, sleepless, bald, and make their dicks small?

Perfect.

Is there anything else?

Oh yeah. It can be made worse by stress (stressed? Me?), drinking alcohol (don't even say it), and beta-blockers, which are common treatment tools for cardiac patients.

Wow. Why not say that folks that like NASCAR and eating bbq from the Big Green Egg will get it too?

So there it is, folks. When you see me, that's what's on my hands and elbows and the backs of my hands and knuckles. Know that I not only hate it, but I am more than a little self-conscious about it.

"So what's the upside?" you might ask.

First, salt water and sunlight are great for it. I asked if I could be medically required to move to Hilton Head, but he said no. I have been told that I need to hit the tanning bed a couple three times a week, which while a tick gay-sounding, probably wouldn't be terrible.

The other upside? That's easy. In discussing the "condition" with my cardiologist yesterday, I came to the quick realization that it was better to be alive and heart-healthy with psoriasis than to be dead, leaving a widow and two fatherless children and NOT having psoriasis.

My pity party is over folks. Look all you want. I couldn't care less. Hell, wince if you must. But know that I am thrilled to be alive to see you recoil at my condition.

Today was my six month checkup

2006-07-20T14:56:00.000-04:00

with my caridiologist.

Actually, it was my 8 month checkup, and it was with some other cardiologist and not my own. I am beginning to believe that my actual cardiologist was either a figment of my imagination or Batman. Either way, he's someone I haven't seen I let him stick some tube in my groinal area and poke around in my heart like a kid putting a fork in a wall socket.

I got there half an hour early, was first to be called and had to wait because the doctor I was seeing was late. Go figure.

My blood pressure was 117 over 77, my resting heart rate has gone from 93 bpm to 63 bpm since I last saw someone and my weight is at 208. Oh, my turn-offs are rainy days, girls that smoke and litter. My turn ons are sunny days, girls that read and girls that have a good sense of humor. Oh wait. They also need to have nice tits.

I also asked if I would have to be treadmilling at any future date as a result of this surgery and I was assured that as long as I was doing 4ish miles a day five to six days a week on my own, there'd be no need for that now or in the immediate future.

I do have to go back next Thursday to get my cholesterol checked, but other than that, it's like it never really happened.

Well, that's not true. the fact that I now keep the region cleanly shaven is a direct result of the two procedures. And as Dr. Evil likes to say, "There's nothing quite like the sight of a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking, really."

Happy Thursday everybody.