The Adventures of Toner Boy

Miss me???

2011-04-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

Well it has been a real long time since I have been here. My new home is here, and you can find my blogging pretty much daily throughout the work week. I just find the interaction with Facebook and the people on it to be more interesting, and it helps grind the time up in this hell hole!

Well I posted this the other day, but after bring gone for a few days it seemed to get lost in the shuffle of news and other things that I covered, and I am just not ready to let it go. So here is a post from my past week, and the events that transpired once I got back to the office!

Well it is Thursday, and Day 2 of being back here in The Swamp. Still status quo of SSDD around here except for one minor thing…. Funk has done the soft shoe out the door!!! Well not willingly. It was more of a trio he worked with two of Alameda County’s finest sheriffs!! Why does something good happen when I am not here to enjoy it? Well there is a lot to catch up on, so sit back and relax…

So yes it is true. We are now Funkless around this place. There is still a lot of funk, but no Funk! Ahhhh his cud smacking will be missed. NOT! Also while I was out McNasty retired. It may be time to start blogging again so I can update my ‘Who’s who’ section, as well as give me something to do during these slower months. Ok, they are all slow. Guess I am tired of sitting here planning for a restaurant that is never going to happen.

Real quick update from Nationals for Thunder and Little Miss for those of you who have not gotten the memo. Little Miss and Youth Gold came in second place, and suffered their first loss of the season. They were given a big penalty on Sat...urday for something the judges considered a level 3 skill, yet all level 2 teams in the gym perform the stunt the same way, and no other competition judge has ever brought this to our attention or even warned them about it prior. They ended day 1 in third place and even though they had a stunt fall on Sunday had battled back to come in second place only a few tenths of a point out of first. Yeah, that team is just that good. Very nice season to Little Miss and the rest of the Youth Gold team. Little Miss was to attend World’s for the younger teams in 2 weeks, but the gym as pulled out of the event because of injuries on Junior Red who also won an invite to LA. Unless something comes out of the woodwork Little Miss will take next season off to get some major orthodontic work done. Since she just got started she really does not want to take the year off, but you gotta do what you gotta do these days, right?

Thunder on the other hand is complete head scratcher. They were clean on both days, and pretty much flawless on Sunday and still only came in third place. Those girls deserved so much better than they got, but they left the event knowing ...that they were as good as they could be for two straight days. For Thunder it is a bit of a sour note to leave on though considering she is taking at least a year off to pursue her first passion, acting. Thunder you were awesome this season, and for 6 years straight. You never missed a practice and never fell out of a stunt while competing during that time. You showed a total commitment to the gym, your team and the sport, and for that I am very proud of you. If that happened to be your last time competing, you can walk away very proud of yourself and the person that you became while with AP. Good luck following your dreams, and Mommy and I are very proud of you.

We also really want to take a second to thank everyone from the bottom of our hearts who have joined in and truly helped us out by taking part in our fund raisers when we would have them over the years. It is in large part because of you that the girls even had a chance to experience this SPORT of cheer the past couple of years. You are all wonderful friends and family and for that we thank you.

Tuesday McLovin turned the BIG 20! I had taken the day off before coming back to this shit hole, so he and I could go out to see Corn and get some work done. You know, a little father son bonding. Well Corn had people with real money com...e in the door and it was a case of ‘Boats & Hoe’s’ for him. You know… they both cost money to have, and boat these days for Corn stands for, “Bust Out Another Thousand”! So we altered plans and went to get some lunch and headed to Umigo in Livermore to meet Pops and race. After figuring out that every place in town was closed for lunch just about as we drove around we settled on L&L and headed out to get our race on. Had a great time at the track and was impressed how much better McLovin is getting driving those things! It is funny how proud you get as a parent over just the littlest of things huh? But even though I caught up to him after 10 laps to put a lap on him, the little ass fought me off from being able to make the pass! I mean for 12 laps I could not get around the little prick! Well Happy Birthday McLovin from Toner Boy. I love you, and we will catch Corn next time around! FYI – You are still a DD for another year.

Well since the last time I have posted these are just a few of the events…. Wait…. “Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives.” Sorry. Felt needed. Besides this I just wanted to point out this year is already through... its first quarter, and if you ask me it pretty much blows just as much as the years that have preceded it. I have come to grips that Toner Boy has about the same size cult following as Chi Pet owners after 4 months, and my Gastropub hopes are the same as Sarah Palin’s White House aspirations without having to sneak in or hope Obama pulls a Bill turns to ‘the other white meat’. So much for writing my way into Adam Sandler’s heart, or cooking my way into others to save what is left of my mental state. Guess I will settle for making 6 of you laugh and feeding Ducky twice a year! Yes Ducky I know… there is nothing wrong with doing that, but for me this dog needs to hunt!

On a quick note – Government offices should be ran by only women because they can never just ask anyone straight question, or have a direct conversation on a topic without beating around the bush and having you fill in the phucking blanks like we are playing Wheel of Fortune!

Sorry… back to events. (and yes you know all kinds of news articles will follow today!) It seems that the world has turned into Jell-O in the last month. That is very fitting considering we are all going to be glowing a vibrant lime green very soon. Baseball season has kicked off and the world has picked the Red Sox to win it all. I guess someone forgot to mention that little tidbit to them considering they have yet to win a game this season. Maybe they just want to give everyone a head start to add to the excitement? The NBA and NHL playoffs are around the corner and the sports world is at a fevered pitch. So much so that Lebron’s mom took a swing at a hotel worker in Miami for talking shit about her juiced boy. I mean really… I thought he would be the one with the roid rage, not her! The NCAA March Madness ended with a thud and UConn was crowned king with a sad win over Butler. Word is Lebron wants them to either pay him royalties or use his likeness as the schools new mascot. Word on the street is if there is ever a mascot fight you would think that King James would have a large upper hand over all comers, but they have all learned if you place a championship trophy in the same room he is unable to hit anything when it counts.

OK. I have wasted a couple of hours today with this shit. Time to go outside and play Homerun Baseball on my phone. Maybe I should call the A’s over and see if they can pick up any tips from the game on how to score runs? Well I will only call the hitter since the pitching staff is well aware of this process. Peace out!

- Toner Boy

It's all in the hips....

2010-10-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry that is just my favorite scene from Happy Gilmore. No really it's all in the coffee. Funny how a shot of Irish Cream in your morning coffee will change your outlook on the day! Then downside is when this wears off I will be either real cranky or looking for another drink!

See.... now this is how to start a day! No friends once again put something in the microwave that she shouldn't. I am going to guess she tried heating up her rocks in something new and did the same as she did on the day of the infamous 'wounded German Sheppard' shot from last week. Whatever it was she put it in her file cabinet so no one would see while it was still smoldering!!!! This time the molten rocks, and what smells like another melted plastic bowl, starts to burn the papers in the drawer! Everyone around her is in a panic because they think the place is burning to the ground and can't figure out where the smoke smell is coming from. Of course she is just sitting at her desk and is not telling anyone that the smell is coming from her file cabinet. After there are 20 people surrounding her desk she looks up and says that the smell is from something that she just 'over cooked' and it was no big deal. Creeper comes over and tells her to throw out whatever it is because the office smells like a plastic fire. She reaches over and opens the file cabinet to a plume of smoke! Panic has now set in and people are yelling and screaming to put it out. They get the bowl and the papers out into the janitors closet sink outside the door to run them under water while she just sits there at her desk like nothing has happened. So now we are all sitting here with major headaches for the chemical fumes that are in the air. Well... Good Morning Monday!

Crap... my head hurts too much to think at this point. Well lets cover the weekend and call this a day.

OK... quick side note. I just walked to the front of the office and ran into Creeper who calls me over about 'Firegate' and wanted to know if I had smelled anything. I told him no, but I told him it did not shock me because of 'Animal Planet' that occurred last week in the kitchen. I explained to him that she put rock in the microwave, in a plastic bowl and that the bottom fell out of it. I was kind and left out the visual wounds that I had received for the event. He says to me, "You are kidding me? What kind of phucking idiot puts rocks in a microwave in the first place, let alone in a plastic bowl?" We start laughing and then he says, "What is even worse is she did it again today! What a stupid shit." I about fell over because he says this to me right out in the middle of the office. Creeper, you have earned a pass in my book.

This is turning out to be a full blown 'Car 54' moment! People are being taken into offices for interrogations. I have been asked to give a recap of my ghastly scene last week in the kitchen. I really gotta give someone the 'full' story on that one! No. That will result in a trip to HR. Hey she flashed me! Send her! These people over react to everything because with people this stupid running and you let them work a microwave unattended, crap like this is going to happen!!!

OK... back to the weekend that was.... and it was not much!

Friday night I stopped off in Castro Valley and had a beer or three with Hack at Krayon's and watched most of the Playoff game while traffic died down. Had some good laughs and solved 2 of life's mysteries. No I am not going to tell you how they were solved, but let's just say on one of them we did confirmed that Aunt Jemima was NOT a real person, and just a well played marketing scheme. Just sayin. So once I got home we went over to visit once Pops and the crew made it back into town for a little bit and took a walk over to Albert's for a beer and some laughs in the Man Cave.

Saturday was a full on day of work around the house getting things ready for this weekends Halloween party on Sunday. McLovin came over and gave us a hand getting things cleaned up and some of the decorations in place. Once I ran out of gas we got cleaned up and ran over to Turbo's to make dinner for everyone and watched the Giants punch their ticket to the World Series in a great game! Uncle Shartly and Lu were over, and Lu was showing us her best 'step, ball, chain'! As for the Giants, I hope it ends better for them this time around because I don't want to hear Johnny Cock Nozzle, Game Time, Ass Clown, Fuzz, and all my other friends who are die hard Giants fans whine like they did back in '02! No I really like their chances with this team and they have been a lot of fun to watch this year that is for sure.

Sunday I got up early and went to the store before the rest of the house was awake and bought stuff to make breakfast and dinner with before going out and finishing my work around the house. Turbo and McLovin came by and gave us a hand during the day, and Rocco came to visit for the first half of the Raiders game. Once the game was over I threw dinner in the oven and got cleaned up because after we ate we're going over to visit Turbo and the gang for a few hours and a few drinks while we watched the Sunday night game. Rocco was in rare form!

As for around this place since Chernobyl all is quiet. Penis did one of his half in, half out tricks today. The downside for me is right now he is IN. Man... I am with you ladies... I like it more when Penis is OUT! I mean the guy just won't stop pounding on my nerves.

OK... enough bad puns and ongoing coverage of this train wreck I call life. Yeah I am pulling up my tent stakes and closing camp until there is something more interesting to report from this place. I think that even though this is a great way to pass the time, I need to find something else to entertain myself during the day. Maybe I will follow in Smut Queen's footsteps and start writing porn? Na.... bad writing about my office is one thing, but bad writing about fantasy sex is another. That would just show off all of my short comings.

So for McNasty (who just walked through and burped.) and the rest of the gang, I bid you adieu until there are news worthy headlines from here at Adventureland. This is TonerBoy signing off.

Toner Boy

PS - Just wanted to say WHOEVER keeps calling the person in my office with the 'Peanut Butter Jelly Time' ring tone please stop. I will say I do giggle every time the phone rings and I hear that song in a place like this, but..... IF THE PERSON DOES NOT ANSWER THE PHONE THE FIRST 3 TIMES THAT YOU CALL BACK, TO BACK, TO BACK, ODDS ARE THEY ARE NOT NEAR THEIR PHONE TO ANSWER IT JERK WEED!

Freakin' Friday

2010-10-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

I hear Ice Shaker got a new bushel of apples over there. *SMACK* *SMACK* *SLURP* CHEW* *CHEW* *SMACK* I was SO hoping the popcorn was going to do him and his sinuses in yesterday. No luck.

Funk and Wagnalls has already stopped over and taught me the proper technique for hanging up on your boss, who now only sits only a few cubicles away from you, without getting caught. He calls it the 'quietly extended index finger', and not what you really want to do in the 'slamming down handset' method. Judging by the look on Looker's face today, he already knew about the technique employed by Funk and Wagnalls and was not fond of it! Yeah these two are going to have a throw down REAL soon!!!

OK... enough of the office spat, let's wrap this bitch up and put a pretty bow on it, shall we?

The week that was. Was. Not a lot to report above what has already been posted throughout the week.

Last night I did go and meet Fuzz and his cohorts from work down at the Ale House in Livermore and it was like a CV High get together. There were people from classes across the board down there hanging out and watching the game. Ran into the 'ex-wife I never married' and my 'immaculate connception' daughter down there having a party, as well as Infidel! I know... WTF? There were no weights in sight either, so go figure that one out. No, it was great to see her for the first time in over 20 years. Nothing has changed, she was still looking to stir shit up by hanging out with people from the gym who were Phillies fans in a house full of Giants fans..... and me, the A's fan. I kept warning her that Fuzz had his gun and he was cranky and she was not wearing her Converse! (He was too tipsy to shoot anything but his foot at that point!) By the way Fuzz.... NICE GROUP!

The old people are going to be back tonight from their little get away cruise that they went on this week, and Rocco said he has restocked the Crown and Gin supplies. For some reason I think I will be going over to Turbo's house tonight to pay them all a visit!

I was planning on getting all of my decorations up for Halloween, but they say I am going to get rained out. So I think it is going to be a weekend of cleaning the garage and thumbing my bumpkin for the most part. I know... that is just how I roll. Speaking of Halloween.... for those of you attending the Cook-Out next weekend make sure to check the Event Page for details of what to bring and the plan of attack for next Sunday! I want to make sure we all get our eat and drink 'on' very proper like.

I would like to check out UFC this weekend with Brock and Cain, so if any of you out there are interested in checking it out on Saturday night let me know. Maybe there is a bar in town that we can go and watch it at, or we can just hang out and watch it at my place with some poker mixed in. Let me know. I sure could use more of Ass Clown's poker money this week... had to fill up the tank today with his money from Wednesday night. Damn those V-8's. Thanks Ass Clown!

Before signing off I went (where else do I get material?) to the bathroom and just had an odd occurrence. No, not that! I mean I had to look for a while, but I found it once I warmed my hands up a little. What? It's cold out. Anywhooo, there is a guy in the stall when I walk in and it looks like he is over there finishing up. You know... a lot of shit going on up there. So I walk to the far stall and do my business and the whole time he is still over there moving and shuffling things around. OK... WTF? I wash up and start to walk out and out of the corner of my eye I can see him still in the stall watching me leave very intently. Did I just walk in to the bathroom in the middle of this guys... ahhh.... hmmm.... how do I put this.... his personal rendition of 'Hand Jive'? I mean I never heard him pee and he was in there before I got there and for *WINCE* who knows how long after I left. *Ewwwwwww*

On a queasy, and deeply disturbed note.... Toner Boy, OUT!

Quick shots across the bow today....

2010-10-21T15:46:00.000-07:00

Ice Shaker is over there eating what sounds like popcorn by the handful. I mean he is just shoveling it in. He is doing this with with plugged sinuses. Have you ever try eating with plugged sinuses? Don't you normally ease food in small quantities because you know you need to pretty much do all of your breathing through the same hole in your face? I can't figure out what is worse... the ice, the apples, or him chewing and choking on popcorn while making that stuffy, pluggy sound as he tries to take in air and chew all at once! Hope he chokes.

I can feel my ears bleeding already. They have moved people around in the office and now Funk and Wagnalls to Cracker's cube! So I am going from hearing *CRACK* and *RIP* all day, to 'Blah, blah, blah Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, blah, blah.' Geee.... Thanks a lot Trekkie! But everyone rest easy... Cracker is still within ear shot! As a matter of fact (off in the distance) I think I hear a bag of chips giving their life so he can grow even fatter. Pig. (As I sit on my ass and eat my trail mix.)

The one thing that I can say that may have worked out good for me is that Funk and Wangnalls is now reporting to The Looker, and these two have been going at it all day long! There should be some good blog material, or police blotter news coming from these two working together at some point in the near future.

Speaking of Looker. He is in his finest fall fashion as Willy Wonka today as he sports a breathtaking combination of royal purple and citrus orange garb for us to mystically gaze upon. Looker... the Umpa Lumpa's would like to thank you for keeping hope alive for the factory to make its big come back, but they said next time you better keep Augustus Gloop's fat ass the hell out of there! Looker's reply - 'He ain't phuckin up my chocolate again... shiiiiit!'

I can't top that last one today, so with that I am Audi 5000.

Toner Boy

It is just in my nature....

2010-10-19T16:05:00.000-07:00

... to piss people off. I don't try to, but it just happens. I go for the 'charming, make you laugh' kind of guy and I get... 'what an asshole!' Oh well, I doubt anyone in Napa will know the difference to tell you the truth.

Well we are a day closer to the weekend, so Happy Tuesday to all of you! We will rename this to 'Lotto Winning Tuesday' since tonight all 6 numbers are going to come up. I did not say 'MY' numbers are going to come up, but there will be 6 numbers regardless when they are done. If things do not work out as planned, I think once I am in Napa I will change that name to 'Touch Yourself Tuesday' so it is more fitting to my new lifestyle.

It is 8:34 in the morning and Cracker has already come over and talked Raiders football with me. Why? What did I do to him to promote such actions? I mean do I really want to relive the fact that my team blows more than my place of work? Just go away and get yourself another can of Coke. *CRACK* Ahhhh... there it is! 8:36 and all is well in his world.

Corn posted more great pictures this week, and I really have to get them posted on the Fan Page on Facebook for all of you to see. I keep meaning to do it, but that damn task of sleeping keeps getting in the way after dinner each night. Unreal work Corn. No worries I will get those pictures up on the Fan Page soon!

Halloween is around the corner and it would not be me unless I did it up right and had my house looking like a haunted house. The problem is nothing has made it out of the boxes this year! What is even worse is we are having an all day cook out on Halloween with people coming over and I do not have a single decoration up outside! Sad... I have boxes and boxes of animated ghouls and creatures and they are doing nothing besides scaring the shit out of the insides of some boxes at this point in time! OK... starting tonight... it gets done, and pictures will follow for proof.

I am torn on getting a new phone when my contract comes to an end in a couple of months. Android phones have come a LONG way since I got mine, but they are still way behind when it comes to apps compared to Apple. Plus I watch McLovin walking around with his Droid and his iPod all the time and I think having 2 devices maybe to much for a person like me with limited brain power to handle. Yeah I think it is going to be Verizon's 32G iPod's for me and the misses this time around when they start selling them next year. Sorry Fuzz... you are going to Android and we are going to Apple. What is wrong with that picture??? AHAHAH

OK.... I am no longer talking to Father of our Country until he removes his profile picture of him wearing Niners gear because he lost a bet! Dude man up and wear like Dodgers or Phillies gear if you want to self inflict pain from a bet... but Niners gear? Never! Well unless you were getting some sort of freaky lovin or something if you won... then that is another story and I will let it slide. Just make sure you get yourself Bob Barker'ed (Help control the population and have your pet 'DAWG' spade or neutered...) or learn where they sell rubbers first Mr. Potent! It is getting harder and harder to keep track of your clan.

Damn this day hit the skids. Looked to be rolling along good and now the last 5 minutes has lasted an hour.

Maybe deep down I am missing Trekkie not being here today?

Or maybe it is because Ice Shaker forgot to bring his water bottle and a bushel of apples to keep me entertained?

Or the fact that I have not had Penis all up in my grill bugging me today?

Maybe I will feel better if I go over and give Munson a hand? I know... I need to back off and give the guy a fair shake.

What if I go over and see Catching Flies and chew the fat to see if that makes me feel any better?

Anyway. (Enough said there.)

OK... On to actual events here at Bellevue and enough funny puns on their short comings or idiosyncrasies.

Let me see if I can get this story out and give it the kind of justice that it deserves.

Have you even seen how people when they rob a bank wear nylons over their faces to sort of smoosh them all up so when they get caught people won't be able to spot them in a lineup?

So I go into the lunchroom to heat up my food before heading off to the car for another fun filled hour of movies I have now seen 100 times each. As I walk in No Friends is standing in there with a melted plastic bowl in her hand and rocks all over the ground. Yes, rocks. Now try and stay with me on this one. She put rocks in the microwave for 10 minutes to heat them up for a therapy pack for her back. Again... rocks, 10 minutes and plastic bowl. Can you see where her problem started?

This is also where my problem starts unfortunately! *GULP* She proceeds to clean up her mess and picks up all the little rocks on the floor... in a skirt.... wearing nylons... and I guess bad hips that don't allow her to apply inward pressure! Yeah.... now you see where this is going! There it was.... the money shot! I looked down to see what appears to be a German Sheppard, wrapped in nylon, with a hatchet wound in its fur. Oh dear lord! All I wanted to see what how many rocks there was left to pick up and see if she needed a hand. My bad!

All I can say is I will never look at German Sheppard's, or hatchet wounds in the same light again. And... ladies.... please.... I now understand the reason that crotchless nylons were created beyond easy access. (OK, and besides being sexy as hell!) Was has transpired ALMOST made me take into question the biggest admiration that men have for your bodies ladies. (Yeah I said it... the guys sucking up will still tell you it is your brains. Blah, blah, blah.) You girls think a penis looks funny as hell when it is all wrapped up in a raincoat? I am not going to go into any more detail than I already have, but I will just say.... not even close! There is a big difference from a guy in a straight jacket, to a bug hitting a windshield!

No matter what I did during my lunch.... it was there. The image burned into my mind like a tragic accident involving a school bus, a fifth of Jack, and a pack of Webelos in a crosswalk on a rainy day.

OK... I don't think I can go on after this. "Man down! I repeat, man down!!!"

Toner Boy

Well, well, well.... here we are.

2010-10-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

Yeah it is Monday, and I don't mean Funday. I SO feel like Mr. Vernon is standing in front of me right now giving me his speech about spending the next 10 hours together. My biggest problem is the fact the I am SO John Bender getting busted and being told that he has me 'by the balls' for the next 732 weeks that I just want to cry! Maybe I can get Brian Johnson to hide my 'doobage' until he is not looking and get everyone loaded and dancing on the cubical walls around this place.

News from the road! You may not know but the old folks are on their way down to So. Cal to go on a quick 4 day cruise out of Long Beach.

Hold that thought really quick... Ice Shaker is over there eating an apple like it is a long lost girlfriends private parts, and Cracker is busting open cans of soda and ripping open bags of chips at 9:30 in the morning like they are going out of style. No doubt hungover from yesterday's GREAT day of football in Raider Nationland he is trying to get as much salt and caffeine into his system as he can!

Where was I? Oh yeah..... So on the trip is Turbo, Pops, Lu, Uncle Shartly, Rocco and Auntie and they stop off along the way for a 'pee break'. Oh course you already see this coming, but this update is brought to you by Uncle Shartly! So he proceeds to go into the restroom and he looks around and thinking that he is alone decides to 'RIP' one off! Well low and behold there goes a guy running out of the stalls and out the door thinking that Uncle Shartly may have crapped himself and that he might request a helping hand from his fellow man. After his faux pas Uncle Shartly tracks the man down inside 7-11 and apologies to the guy in case he wanted to stick around and at least wash his hands! The guy of course laughs in off uncomfortably with him and Uncle Shartly discloses that he thought that he may have shit his pants himself. Yeah, like that would be a first!

Just want to throw it out there and say that Bay Area sports fans may now clear up their calendar until the Stanley Cup Playoffs. We can wait until April to be disappointed again! Hate to be the one to break the news to you all, but the Giants are done. Tim can only win 2 games in a series and the Philly's have WAY too much team on both sides of the ball to beat them in a 7 game series. Sorry... that is all she wrote for Bay Area sports for the next 6 months. Then again the really twisted out there will think the Warriors are going to do something for us. Take it from a fellow Warriors fan... NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

Damn McNasty is a gross little booger when it comes to chewing his food! Close your mouth man! He must be learning how to gross people out, more than he already does, by hanging out with Catching Flies at lunch or something. He just walked through the office smacking his lips like he had a mouth full of cud. Go chew an apple with Ice Shaker in the lunch room or something.

OK.... when did my stomach learn to speak? Phucking thing is talking like it is running for office or something! What the hell? I just fed you, now shut up!!!

Well let me do 'the weekend that was' and get the hell out of your hair. I would get you out of mine, but..... yeah well.... you all know that punchline.

Friday night we went over to Turbo's once I got home to hang out with Rocco and the gang for a few hours to watch a little baseball.

Saturday I got ready early and ran to Costco to pick up a few things before heading out to San Jose for Thomas the Train's birthday party. Came back that night and had a big turkey dinner over at Turbo's thanks to Auntie and Rocco. Later that night the old men and me ran over to the bar to have a couple of quick drinks before calling it a night.

Sunday morning I got over to Turbo's early and make breakfast for everyone while I 'soaked my meat' for the BBQ that afternoon. We all hung out and watched some sort of ball game on the TV with 2 teams of special needs children wearing butterscotch and silver helmets were running all over the field like lost ducklings in a storm. The butterscotch helmet wearing ducklings made less mistakes in the end and were crowned line leaders for the next bus ride! Woo hoo!!! Battle of the Pointless was won!!!

As for this week.... yeah.... I got nothin! Oh wait... We have Ed's Birthday on Wednesday! But me... yeah... nothin.

May your work week pass fast, but your actions be remembered forever.

Toner Boy

Nothing will save this week....

2010-10-15T14:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I am done. Don't get me wrong... I had a ton of laughs over the 'washing your car', 'the fit of your shoes', 'hitting a golf ball' and 'getting a tattoo' lines that were made to sound dirty to many of your filthy minds this week on Facebook. But just overall I am done. Done with this drive, done with these people, done with the lack of internal drive around me, done, done, done.

I am so done that I think I am just about done with this blog as well. For the little bit of therapy that it gives me when I am decompressing and letting some of this out... in the long run I am still just a dip shit sitting here talking to myself and wasting as much time as I can at work because there is nothing here to challenge me.

Hello!?!?! Opportunity? Are you out there??? I have been ringing your phucking doorbell for 3 years now!!!! Answer the damn thing already!

Don't mind me today. Really. I am just overly frustrated and burned out. I don't know why. After all Napa is only 2 months, 16 days, 11 hours, and 28 minutes away! Then it is off to a life of finger painting, endless Jell-O lunches, and Lane shower impersonations 4 times a day until I go blind! Yay me.

Yeah... it's confirmed... the cheese has officially slipped off my cracker. In case you had any doubts prior to this blog today. I doubt many of you will question that statement.

While I am still mentally capable I would like to send out some Happy Birthday wishes. It was my nephew Thomas the Train's birthday on Thursday and Chet's birthday today! Coming up in the next few weeks we have birthdays for Ed, George and Pops as well. Boy.. a lot of peoples parents had sex around New Year's and Valentine's Day I see! Must be those cold winter months and no cable TV in the bedrooms. The fact that my wife wears 14 layers of impenetrable jammies and we have a big ass TV at the foot of our bed explains a lot for my track record during those winter months! And summer.... well, and spring.... hmmmm.... fall is not so good either now that I think about it.

Moving on.....

Rocco is back in town so he and the old folks can go on their weekday cruise out of So Cal next week. But while he is here we are going to cook it up right on Sunday for the Raiders-Niners game. Should be a nice battle of two crap teams looking for bragging rights of football supremacy in the Bay Area. Yeah... more like Slopfest 2010!

OK... I just had a person call me telling me that their password does not work and that I 'NEED' to come over and fix it for them 'RIGHT NOW'. Oh did she pick the wrong day for this. OK... first of all anyone who has known me for more than 6 seconds will tell you that giving me orders and telling me that I 'HAVE' to do something is begging for the complete opposite to happen. Second of all computers are nothing more than dumb machines waiting to be told what they need to do. Yes, computers are GREAT at taking orders, not me. Computers don't make shit us as they go... they only do what they are told and odds are... you told it something that it didn't want to hear bitch! So... I walk down the street to the deli and get a Vitaminwater I come back into the office and make sure and talk to every person I can along the way to this woman's desk just to piss her off. Needless to say she was hotter than hell by the time I got there. Good!

So I ask her what she is doing and tell her to show me so I can see it with my own two eyes. She says (for example) that her password is 'sugar' and I tell her to go ahead and type it in so I can see the error she is getting. She let's out a *huff* then I watch her type... s-u-g-e-r and the error comes up 'Invalid Password' and she says 'See! Now fix it!'. Oh with pleasure. I walk right over and type in the password and it logs right in without a problem. She looks at me like I am a complete asshole and asks what I did to make it work. I looked right at her and told her the truth... In order for a password to work, you have to spell it right. Computers can not assume what you meant to spell, so in the future make sure you know how to spell the password you choose before you try and use it. Sugar is spelled s-u-g-a-r.... not s-u-g-e-r. You can't change how you spell something on a whim and think the computer will just figure it out. I think I made a new friend.

All I have to say.... Google Translate... BEST THING EVER!!!! I can now piss people off in all kinds of different languages!!! Huh Hunny??? Paso atrás. Me comí un burrito de frijoles y un camión intestino.

I sent her to the Mexican Market in town to get the stuff to make salsa for Thomas the Train's birthday party tomorrow. I told her if she has any problems finding anything to find a guy who works there and tell him - me llevan en la espalda y me muestran su pimienta! Once he helps you to tell him - Veo que tienes cebollas grandes también! If he tires to get fresh with you for some strange reason just tell him - mi gato está sucio. If that does not work try - tengo gas y lo voy a utilizar. As your last resort before you call 911 - oops. no estornudar con la influenza. peces mierda! peces mierda!

Yeah... I am going to hell. I know.

OK.... one more mind bender for CV Stroll Queen on my way out.... I like rubbing flavored oil on the breasts and thighs before pinning its legs back and stuffing it.

Toner Boy...... OUT!

Joys of the office are back!

2010-10-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

I said I was going to be nice, but she brings this on herself!

Phone call -

Dummy ~ "I was out yesterday and someone touched my computer! Everything on my desk has been moved and when I went to log in there was a name there other than mine! Are they watching me?"

Me ~ "It was only me installing updates, but I was not at your desk, I installed them from here at my desk."

Dummy ~ "Oh. OK. Yeah, maybe nothing on my desk was touched. So how do I log in? There is another name where mine is supposed to be."

Me ~ "Just type yours in."

Dummy ~ "What about the password? Do I just use mine?"

Me ~ "Sure. Just try yours and lets see if that works!" (Being a TOTAL smart ass when saying it!)

Dummy ~ "Waiting... waiting... Wow! That worked. That was weird."

Me ~ "Very."

Dummy ~ "So are they watching me?"

Me ~ "You did not hear it from me... but I would keep an eye out!"

Dummy ~ "I thought so! OK, thanks."

---------------------------------------------------

Another call from someone in office -

Person ~ "Yeah my light went out."

Me ~ "On your computer? Really? Which one? One of the monitor lights or something?"

Person ~ "No. The lamp on my desk."

Me ~ "Ahhhh ---- OK. I work on computers and the occasional printer, not lights. You need to call GSA or just replace it yourself."

Person ~ "But it is my computer lamp. Where would I get a bulb at?"

Me ~ "Any store."

Person ~ "Oh, OK. Once I get it you will be able to help me replace it."

Me ~ "No."

Person ~ "Why? This is my computer lamp."

Me ~ "Just because you use this lamp for your computer it has nothing to do with me. Buy and replace your bulb yourself."

------------------------------------------------

This all before 10 AM! WTF people?

DOUBLE CRASH!!!! This is SO cool! Within a 2 minute window we had our dinosaur mainframe server crash (putting a screeching halt to everyone in the office!), and a real crash of a moron standing on the arms of a chair in the lunchroom trying to hang up decorations for Halloween! His foot slipped off of the arm of the chair, he then fell and bounced off a table and then onto the floor... per reports from eyewitnesses. It is like mass chaos here now. Now THIS is entertainment!!!!

OK... Penis just walked by and blew ass! Not a gentle little squeal either. It sounded like he was stomping on ducks with each step!!!! Even Ice Shaker stood up and looked over his cube at me after he went past like 'WTF was that'!!! What kind of Third World place is this????

I swear this place is like a monkey phucking a football. There is a group for this, a group for that, 17 managers that have to report to one another before a decision can be made on should the coffee pot be turned on in the morning. No one is allowed to think for themselves in this damn place. This server issue have been a complete joke to the point that the one group that supports the applications had no clue that the group that runs the servers were having a problem. They are not allowed to pick up the phone and ask the simple question of 'why' or 'how long until it is fixed' because their manager needed to do it for them. Dude.... just fix the problem and let us know when it will be done so people can get back to work! If I had ever done anything like that when I was on the network side clients would have pitched a complete bitch. The bottom line to a client... time is money. Every second that server is down is money I am spending and not making anything in return. When I did work for Google the manager was in my ear reminding me every couple of minutes that he was losing close to $1 million dollars of revenue every hour! (Yeah... it was that long ago! I am sure that number is MUCH larger now, or even by the minute!)

OK... who pulled the e-brake on my day? Damn I was humming along and the clock was my friend, then BAM we are back to a snails pace. I think Hunny is putting pins in her voodoo doll of me for Albert and me talking about washing our car on Facebook today and making it sound like something completely different. It is so funny how easy it is to read one thing, and make it sound like something completely different in your mind! (By the way.... I really like it dirty! Don't believe what you read.) Time to go feed the animals here at the zoo and see if anything funny turns up.

Until we meat again!

Toner Boy

I don't wanna grow up....

2010-10-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

.... I'm a Toys 'R Us kid! That is right... I am never going to grow up, or grow old. No not in everything! I will always take my work (Not what you people read! I take a LOT of pride 'my' level of work, just not in the current 'level' of my work. The smarter ones got that.) and parenting very seriously, but outside of all that.... yeah.. I am just a kid!

Well we are back from Disneyland and as tough as it was on the body to do that 700+ mile quick 3-day haul with a crowded park, with tons of walking, getting beat up on the rides, and very little sleep.... I am still very glad we went! Love the mindset a place like Disneyland puts you. It just takes you away from all the other grief of life and let's you (For one hell of a price!) just be a kid again.

Speaking of kids... I want to give credit where credit is due for one of my own spawn. Thunder rocked it in her first trimester with all A's & B's and will get honor roll for her first time! She has overcome many struggles that she has had in math in the past and I think has gotten herself into much better study habits. Even with her VERY active life, she has shown that she can do what it takes to get the job done. Very proud of you!

Well time for a quick rundown of the weekend that was.

On Thursday night I met up with McLovin, Fuzz, Albert and Chet at Rusty's and we had some pizza's and drinks while we watched the Giants game. Good time was had, and Rusty made sure of that with Jagerbombs on the house for most of the night! Fuzz made it in Rusty's 'Cooler Crew' with an invite by Rusty to join him for a shot during the game. Damn those Giant fans! I think there was more going on in the cooler than just a shot with Rusty though. Fuzz came out of the cooler with Rusty wearing pink lip gloss all of the sudden. Just sayin....

Friday it was time to get up and moving so we could meet up with everyone and head out of town! (We missed you Ed!) I went and picked up McLovin and Cat after I got my haircut, loaded everything up and we were OUT! Hack, Fuzz and Chet had a head start on us by about 20 mins, but we all slammed into traffic in downtown LA and met up with The SC at the park soon after. Well make that soon after I poured myself a cocktail to come down off of that 'flashback' of a drive I just had! Hack and the fam had tickets to the Halloween event over at Disney park while the rest of us hung out at California Adventure for the night. It was Cat's first trip to Disneyland so we started her off right and took her on Soarin (Turbo's favorite ride!) as soon as we got into the park with the rest of the crew grabbed a bite to eat. Since Paparazzi gets an early start in the park each morning we road a few rides and called it a night so we could beat the roosters to the punch in the morning! Not before stopping and getting Cat a Birthday Cupcake! Yes.... on top of it being her first trip to Disney, she spent her birthday with us as well! We hope you enjoyed yourself!

No time to yawn... rise and shine everyone!!! As the sun came up and the roosters were still trying to figure out why in the hell they were even up at this hour of the day, we were all showered and off into the parks! We had a great day of rides and hanging out as everything seemed to work out in our favor most of the day. We went on one ride and grabbed a Fast Pass for it again later in the day... then another, and another! None of the lines were bad at all throughout the day, even though the park was VERY busy. The only bitch I have... IT WAS HOT OUT! With no wind to speak of either. As we are walking back from Splash Mountain here comes someone running at me. WTF? My brain starts to function after my lack of sleep and I see it is CHiP's! CHiP's is one of my poker buddies who moved from the Bay, down to San Diego.... well, cause he could! Of all places that I would run into him, that would have been the last place in the world I would have picked. The first eight places I would have picked would have included 'Bar' in the title! That was a shocker. More to come on CHiP's and his family later.

Speaking of bar... Me, Fuzz and Chet ran back to my room to grab a few shots and some man soda's (OK Fuzz and I did that part... Chet just came to escape the girls for a while!) before going back to grab lunch with the girls. McLovin and Cat went and grabbed some food and headed back to the room for a nap while the rest of us had lunch over at the Napa Vineyard inside the park. Food was killer and I was just getting my 'fun hat' on when everyone, yes EVERYONE, left me to go back to their rooms and rest! What kind of old people am I hanging out with? Geez! So I sat outside and drank my beer only to call Ass Clown to bitch about being left alone. Needless to say he got a big kick out of that. He thinks that people need to leave me more often, and for even less reason.

After a few texts from CHiP's I headed down to ESPN Zone 'Bar' to meet up for a drink. McLovin was on his way as well. Ran into Hack powering down some doughnuts along the way in Downtown Disney and told them to come and join us when they were done. A couple of beers and a shitty diaper (I am not even going to tell you who had the shitty diaper.... going to let you wonder on this one!) later CHiP's and the fam headed out to find a place to stay for the night and The SC rolled in for dinner. Me, Hack and McLovin ran upstairs to get in a quick game or 4 of football in the arcade where Hack and I realized one important fact.... we are old! After dinner we headed out for some more rides and the World of Color show before the old people I was with needed to grab another nap. All I can say about the World of Color show is WOW! It is a must see. After the show we met back up with McLovin and Cat and went on a few more rides before leaving them and calling it a night as the little ones were done.

Dragging their asses out of bed at the butt crack of 8:30 (As my wife likes to call it!) we got everything loaded up and head back to the park to try and squeeze in a ride or two before leaving town. Once we got into the park it was a zoo and we only got a chance to ride a couple of rides before meeting up with Fuzz and the gang to eat and follow each other home.

Note - If you have any plans to go down to Disneyland soon... go ride the Halloween version of Space Mountain called Ghost Galaxy... OFF THE HOOK! They made a great ride even better, and bring a change of shorts if you scare easily!

All-in-all, a great trip in my book. Not a lot went on, but it was just good to get away and hang out with the family and some friends. Next on the old dance card is Halloween in a few weeks. Love it!

Pictures of the trip will soon follow on the Toner Boy Fan Page on Facebook. If you don't visit or follow the Fan Page.... sucks for you! Stay up to date with me and everything Toner Boy on my Facebook Fan Page. If you are already a fan make sure you check the Fan Page for all your updates because you will only see SO much on the Facebook News Feed. If you're not a fan, what are you waiting for? Like wine... sex.... and the ability to snore.... my blog is getting better with age. Dry farts only go away with age... sorry Uncle Shartly.

I am also going to be posting a gallery of Corn's work as well for those of you who are not friends with him on Facebook so you are able to see his work. I get asked all the time about him and getting him to do a road trip back out to the house and see us, but with his schedule at the shop these days he just does not have the time. Maybe all of these pictures will get you in the mood to make plans to get some work done down at the shop! That is my dawg and I always gotta pimp for him... ya know??? Once my arm is finished I will post his finished product as well. Posting just the outline will do him, or it, no justice!

That is it from Wonderland!

Toner Boy

That is all she wrote....

2010-10-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

Well at least for this week. For some reason, for good or bad, I think I am going to have a whole lot to talk about when I get back!

OK let's wrap this S.O.B. up and call it a week!

Happy Birthday to 2-T! (No... not the Tootie I have seen naked playing Pictionary!)(If you don't know this story..... don't ask!)

First of all I am flying the coop at 3:30 today to get a jump on traffic and less aggravation to start my little vacation weekend with The SC and family! Yay me!

That just means I need to find a way to squirm through the next 5 hours and 39 minutes and I am home free to see the apple of my eye. God I am SO looking forward to getting away with everyone, even if it is only a couple of days, it is not even funny! Now if the DAMN weather service will make up their minds on the temperature down there for the weekend! One day it says it is going to be in the mid 90's, the next day it is the low 80's! I know those bastards are only guessing, but.... COME ON!

Here is a big newsflash... you will never guess it... Raiders game is blacked out locally. If they were kind they would black in out nationally and save us the embarrassment of having it be seen by others! It is bad enough that 30,000 people paid to attend the event in the first place. Must just be an universal meeting place for parole officers to talk with their clients or something. It sucks to have to love and hate your team at the same time.... every year! The plus side of it is I now have 13 open weekends to do whatever I want until the playoffs without having to feel like I missed something. It is now all about the draft baby! Oh wait... we gave our 1st round pick away for a player with 4 sacks in 20 games since joining the team. Nice trade off.

OK... I just shaved another half hour off of my departure time today! That and the fact that I have been busy giving my wife a ration of shit over email for the last hour, this day is coasting by! The plane is now leaving the terminal in 3 hours and 51 minutes! With my hour long lunch nap thrown in the mix, this looks to be a pretty good day for Toner Boy! I have got a little pep in my step. Can't get to full of myself. The last time I was feeling good like this I told my wife 'I am looking pretty good today. You might have to work a bit harder for this. I may be cheap.... but I am not easy!' she cut me off ever since. That was '02. There was the Great Christmas Eve Flashing of '06 that is still hold dear to my heart though. Good times.... good times.

Best Friend are you and 1-T going to make it out to visit us or not little lady? I have not heard anything from you except a picture of a penis pillow this week!!!

Halloween is coming up fast and I need to get my house decorated all proper like. Anyone who knows me knows that we really do it up every year for Halloween! This year is no different. We are going to have an all day cook out at the house leading up to Trick-or-Treating that night for the kids. If you are in the area come on out and enjoy the day with us! Stop in and say hello, or see what you can bring and hang out for the day. We will be hanging out under the Easy Ups in the back watching football and cooking all kinds of food!

Penis is off soaking in some vacation time himself today so that is just like icing on the cake. Not having to listen to him all day is a blessing that is for sure. But then again I did have a conversation with Anyway that made me want to cut his heart out with a spoon! Damn that guy drives me nuts when he get stuck on a word. I know Infidel.... I know! Some words get stuck, but when I already know what he is going to say I just go all - 'Smut Queen getting cutoff while driving' deep down inside!

Catching Flies is just about completely gray now that the squid ink has worn off of his head. What do you want to bet his shit will be Elvis black by the time I return next week? Dude... you're old.... let it go.

*SHIT* Damn that Wiggleworth! Scared me like Mere on Facebook the other day just now. I need that bell.

Ass Clown and Albert... while I am out of town... think 6 numbers... not 3! You are only thinking of yourselves and pocketing $10 at a time. Dicks!

Hey Hunny.... don't forget the Almond Salad Toppers!

OK... I am only going to look at
the ones in the middle!

That is all she wrote! Enjoy your weekends. I am going to kick mine off tonight at Rusty's with the boys and watch some playoff baseball while enjoying pizza and beers! Mix if you are out there and in town come over and join us.

Starting tomorrow I will be in Fantasyland looking at these....>

That is right... that is how I roll! HA HA HA!!!!!

Be good all, and just remember....

Life is not ALL that serious.... don't forget to stop and laugh at yourself once in a while. Humility is a good thing to have, it shows you are human.

2 months, 24 days, 10 hours and 35 minutes until Napa!

Toner Boy

Da na na na na na, You say it's your birthday....

2010-10-05T11:43:00.000-07:00

.... oh wait... you don't watch movies to know what I am talking about! Well that is a CLASSIC Anthony Michael Hall scene from 16 Candles right there Fuzz. An 80's cult film that the rest of The SC can't get enough of! Well maybe except Chet... there were no sports involved to peak his interest! Other great lines include ~

'Sofa city sweetheart.'

'The Donger need food!'

'I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up.'

'Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.'

'What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... Hmmm? No, he's not retarded.'

'Oto-mo-biiile?'

'I can't believe it. You make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you.'

'What's happenin' hot stuff?'

Sorry... this was about your birthday and not one of the all-time best movies, huh? OK, my bad.

Well Happy '37' Years in this swirling shit bowl we call life my friend! Who would have ever thought I would have found a cheer weekend drinking buddy, (who lets me play with his guns mind you!) at my daughters cheer gym? Go figure! Fuzz... Happy Birthday my friend! I know we missed lunch yesterday so you could get the Foo-mo-biiile fixed, but we will kick the weekend off properly with some pizza and beers at Rusty's on Thursday. The part about the Giants winning their playoff game so everything is perfect in your little world... I can't offer any promises! No I think they are safe going through the first round, it is just what follows for them that has me worried. Rumor has it the first 4 rounds are on Albert! Then it is off to Disneyland and our Captain filled water bottles! We will have to take some 'Put a little Captain in you!' pictures of us around the park and add them to the Toner Boy Fan Page on Facebook!

Hack I hope this wife thinks we are funnier than the last one when we are down there!

OK... Tuesday is here. 2 days, 7 hours and 44 minutes until the weekend! What? OK... my weekend! Best Friend... are you going to join us when we are down there?

I had a night of fun filled computer work over at Creeper's house last night. But it was all good and away from this place the guy is not all that bad I must say. He holds the same opinion that I do of the County-Government being run like total shit and it this were a real business they would not last a month. And here I thought that all of these 'Ass Hats' (Thank you for that term Hunny!) were just blind ass cup droolers who did not know their ass from a hole in the ground. Go figure.

I have to give another shout out to Corn today. He has been posting some AWESOME new pictures of his work on Facebook over the last week! Very nice! And the cross you did on McLovin's friend was great! If you have not seen him in a while, or if you are looking to get some ink work done... go see my boy at Simms Ink in Hayward and he will take care of you.

I have another buddy Double R out in Danville who is doing it right as well and would be real glad to see you. I hear he will work for a double cheese burger if you catch him at the right time of the day! AHAHA Just kidding. He is out in Danville and has posted some really great looking work himself!

Oh yeah that hit the spot. Nothing like a Triple Mint Latte on an empty stomach to kick you into gear! The only problem that I have is that I have nothing to do that requires me to be put into any gear other than 'N'eutral! Maybe I will run laps in my car at lunch to burn it off? Or I can run to Castro Valley and pick up Val's, eat, run over a see Corn, swing by San Francisco and feed a sea lion and then head back to the office. No... I am wearing the wrong shoes for all that. I will just sit and hover in my car.

Just looked at my calendar on my Outlook sidebar.... damn Napa State Hospital is getting closer, and closer, and closer.... (Thanks for reminding me Lu!) FLY!!!!

The Looker is back in the office after a month away. I don't know if he was gone on vacation, or just another one of his extended breaks! He left at 10:30 for one this morning and strolled back in the office at 11:07. That is the best job of rounding off 15 minutes in your favor I have ever seen!

Well since no one except Ass Clown posted a joke when I asked, (It went over like a fart in church by the way!) I am going to try movies! Tell me your all-time favorite movie and the best quote from it. One movie, one quote. Fuzz give us a Star Wars quote. Oh yeah.... you have not seen that one either. 'Well? We're waiting!' <--- Name the movie and the actor. First person will get a signed original script from my first movie 'Toner Boy - All Inked Out!'

The sequel will be called 'Toner Boy - Life in Napa. Oh Look... FLY!!!!' in 3D!

It is getting close to lunch time. Time to vibrate off and go get the RIGHT 6 numbers. Can't depend on any of you to get it right it seems! VROOM, VROOM! Why are my teeth chattering?? Was that liquid crank or coffee? Wow!

Toner Boy

The Monday Blues....

2010-10-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

Then again every Monday from September to December is a Monday that 'blows' after watching a Raiders game!

In the words of Smut Queen.... 'What up peeps?'

Yes it is Monday and I would rather be any other place in the world than here, but with a cup of coffee in my body I am going to make the most of it. After all, what are my options at this point?

Well it is October. I time for change. The leafs change, weather changes, and so do our waistlines! Because it is time for comfort food and my cooking has been known to raise hell on everybody's wardrobe around me! I promise to do better this year, but just in case I am wrong... get some new running shoes and get out there and enjoy the brisk fall and winter weather!

Since we last spoke... On Friday I had Monkey tip me off to a glorious commute home which just put me in a funk going home. The SC went to Tracy High's homecoming game and I had to play catch up once I got into town. I ran home to change and stop to grab a bite to eat before heading over, but after running into my neighbor out back and having a gab session for a little bit I just got in my car and ran to meet them. I was lucky enough that Paparazzi had a jumbo bag of sunflower seeds to fill the hole and she was happy to share! I made the mistake of asking Mama Ruth to go and grab me a hot dog during halftime. Not only was it not a real hot dog, but one of those jumbo cured Slim Jim types of things, she brought it to me with nothing on it! Just a dry ass dog when I asked for mustard and relish. Her words were, "They ran out of mustard and ewww I am not touching relish!" Thanks Pockey Huck!

Saturday I got up early to help Smut Queen only to get called off duty at the last minute. Gee... thanks... who needs sleep!?!? AHAHAHA Lucky for her I had other shit to do so I was on the go anyway. Made breakfast for everyone and then worked on Thunder's school project for a few hours before heading out to Pleasant Hill to work on Creeper's computers. Well 5 hours later I finally got out of there to go and meet Albert at the Crawl in CV. Ahhh CV. The good old days. Yeah right!!!

We went to Krayons and hung out waiting for Topher to show up after sending him one threatening message after the other. Glad you could make it with having to have your arm twisted to hard there Topher! Shortly after he showed up we ran into more friends of ours and went on with the Crawl. Albert and I headed to the Bowl while they went on to Don Jose's. You could say we sort of got ditched! We had a quick beer and then met up with them and a whole bunch more people from our class over at Don Jose's. Yes, the chairperson of the Crawl The CV Stroll Queen was at Don Jose's as well! All was right with the world at that point. We all wandered down the boulevard to a few more CV dives before calling it a night. Albert left me as we tried getting into the next bar, and I made a beeline out of there once the person I was talking to 'claimed' to have a stomach ache and went inside to look for her ride. Damn... I got ditched twice in one night by these people! I see how well I still fit in. I got left standing out front of the bar for bad belly and a guy in a kilt! The CV Stroll Queen text me about coming down to the bowl to meet back up with them as was leaving, but since I was planning on going home hours before hand I thought better of it. Went through the old Golden Arches drive thru for a couple of dollar menu chicken sandwiches and called it a night.

Sunday me and McLovin went to the Raiders game so I picked him up early and we stopped off at Bebe's and had some breakfast. Game was the shits, but we had a great time and a bunch of laughs. After all it is a Raiders game and most of the people there are entertainment all on their own. It is like an airport, people watching nirvana! The people who sat in the row in front of us literally drug their drugged drunk asses into the game and most of them proceeded to slip into an unconscious state of mind. I mean these fools were OUT! It was classic Raiders fans... for them it all ends in the parking lot before the game.

Back here at Monday. 3 days, 3 hours and 16 mins and it is vacation thirty! The SC and The Hack Family Robinson are off to the Happiest Place on Earth. Yes Thunder... Daddy is going to go to church and pray on Sunday morning. I will be praying for a good Bloody Mary while I wait for kickoff! Da Da Da! Da Da Da!

Fuzz text me today and tried to go to lunch with me since he was out here in the hood, but my strict County schedule would not permit that to happen. So instead we are going to go to Rusty's and watch the Giants playoff game on Thursday. Pops, Uncle Shartly, Albert, Chet, After 6, Game Time, George, KP, Sleeper Cell, Ass Clown, Cock Nozzle and anyone else who wants to go and hang out... this is your call! Rusty's about 6:30 for man soda's and pizza as the Giants battle the Braves. Yes Chet, you can have a regular soda if you want! Ducky I would list you, but we all know that you are not allowed to be that far away from home. McLovin... a few more years and you can join us. Actually if you sit in a booth you can go to Rusty's with us. You and Chet can drink Soda together!

Ass Clown, Albert and Hack... I am still waiting for the call the one of you have hit all 6 numbers! Not the 3 numbers that I heard about on Sunday from Ass Clown! I guess I am going to have to step up and shake off my 0 for 24 slump of even getting my money back and just win this thing myself. It would seem that I can't depend on you guys to get this done! Until then though I will only take calls from Ass Clown or Hack about a possible change in my work venue. If you got nothin... don't call me, I'll call you. Rat bastards. Hope you choke on a short and curly.

Tonight I need to run out to Creeper's place and finish what I started now that he has all the parts that I need. Just what I wanted... a trip to Pleasant Hill after work. It is all good though.  He has beer and cash!

I hope to hell that this week flies by and the weekend seems to last forever for once.   I know it is not going to be the case, but hey... you can't blame a guy for wishing! I mean this morning has gone by at a pretty good pace, so you never know. I could get lucky. (OK. Are you done laughing so I can go on?) Besides the 14 hours of the day when I am here in solitaire, the calendar is pretty full this week. Now if I can just find a way to resolve the 'still' 14 hour portion of the day I will be all good. I tried throwing some verbal jabs to sort of 'spark' up my day, but it seems that I was just punching myself. There is a shock!

The zoo here is getting quieter and quieter with each passing day. For these lifers here at the County many of them that are near retirement age are all bailing ship and taking their retirement because of purposed cutbacks by the government on their retirement benefits. This way they leave now and lock in a better retirement package than what the union is telling them is on the table. Looking at the age of most of these folks there should only be about 6 of us left when it is all said and done. This place is like a retirement home! What is most sad is that besides Quasimodo leaving a few months back, all of these others leaving... ARE NONE OF THE PEOPLE THAT I TALK ABOUT!!!! Yes.... there are that many fools in this place. The only person that I talk about that I know who is leaving soon is Creeper.  Which has already retired once and is back as a consultant until the end of the year collecting two checks every other week! Besides sneaking around in squeaky shoes... pretty smart cookie!

The Throat just walked by... I swear one day I am going to give her a karate chop and clear up whatever it is she has lodged in there!!!

On that note.

Not that anyone should ever need to be told these words of wisdom, but never forget....

Live. Laugh. Love.

You only get one chance, so don't one of those chances pass you by. Live life to the fullest.

When I die I don't want people to look at me at my funeral and think 'He looks good'. I'm dead. I don't want to look good. I want people to look at me and say out loud, "God damn he looks like SHIT! But the bastard always put a smile on my face, and I know he had a lot of fun getting there. I am going to miss him." No shoulda, woulda, coulda's should ever follow that sentence.

Unlike Rachel on Big Brother you never will get the chance to say, "I'm back bitches!"

Toner Boy

Happy Hump Day....

2010-09-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

.... I guess it would be if I were the 'humper' and not the 'humpee'! Guess that is why... never mind.

All I know is Fuzz better bring a BIG bottle of Captain with us to Disneyland in 9 days! Oh wait... you are not even going to be there until Saturday. Grrrrr...... OK Sleeper Cell I am counting on you for Friday! Ed... double check the supplies before you leave!

Think I have just about had enough of being Toner Boy. But Ass Clown and Albert can't seem to get the right 6 numbers for our Redneck Retirement Plan.

Seriously. One more day of 4 hours in a car that does not result in me being in Monterey teeing it up on a golf course with an ocean view or Disneyland acting like a fool, shit is going to hit the fan! Soon you will find me in a ball in the corner of the room talking to myself about $5 footlongs, toner, passwords, spreadsheets and..... FLY!!!! It is bad enough that I talk to myself on this damn thing.

Calgon..... take me away!

Even better yet... Just tried to send a message to Hunny through our phones and her chat is turned off. Don't know how I should take that. Damn.... there are a ton of ways and a whole bunch of puns that go with that sentence right off the top of my head. 'Guess I still can't turn her on even after all of these years.' is the first one that comes to mind. Story of my life. A punchline.

So glad to see that October 1st is only 2 days away. Love the fall weather more than any other time of the year. Just hate the fact it is also a sign of another year wasted here at Sandal's with Sock's Resort & Spa.

Just read that After 6 and Monkey are going on a cruise in June. Bite me. Maybe I can blow up a raft and circle around in your pool so I can go on a cruise as well!?!? 'Next stop... same as the last stop! All aboard!'

Why is it when you are trying to regain your footing in life the most you are always standing on algae covered rocks with bars of soap strapped to your feet?

This Saturday marks the 60th birthday of Peanuts specials being shown on TV. I bring this up because my all time favorite Peanuts is coming up next month with 'It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown'. When you watch it (You know you will watch it!) and you hear the words, 'I got a rock.' cross Charlie Brown's lips I want you to think to yourself.... 'That's Toner Boy!'

If this season of the Biggest Loser does not make you want to get up off the couch and do something, nothing will. Best season by far when it comes to motivational reality. None of the fluff, just honest truth. Love it.

Need to go over to Creepers house this Saturday and do some side work on his home computer network. That should be an experience! All I know is he better have beer and cash. Albert.... meet you at The Crawl if we are going.

I would like to thank Mother Nature once again for this hot weather because she has given Ice Shaker back his name. Guess he ran out of apples to eat and he still needed a way to piss me off.

In only an hour and a half I am out of here and into traffic. Woot-Woot! Still better than Number 2 who is sitting at home in the heat with no AC in her house. I had no idea you could even get a house with no AC in it these days!?!?

Trekkie is doing hot laps like an expecting father today. Dude relax and go back to your office and play more World of Warcraft and think that no one knows. Well I am sure most of these other dip shits don't, but I know what you are doing for 6 hours of your day when I am typing this blog!

I just sneezed. Please, please bless me! I have been without Influenza here in the office now for over a month and a half!

Penis just shot out of here to go and take pictures of the sites of Alameda County for our yearly Budget Report. Try taking real pictures. You know empty commercial buildings, panhandlers, graffiti, pot holes in the roads you could hide a Sherman Tank in, or the Ferrari in the parking garage driven by an overpaid member of the Board of Supervisors.

As a fan... RIP Greg Giraldo.

Toner Boy

Jokes....

2010-09-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

Give me your best jokes! Here are a few to get you started. Infidel needed a pick me up today so I have used some of the better ones already today....

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?

A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
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Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.

The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"

"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
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What is the difference between a sin and shame?

It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
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Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?

A. She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her cigarette.
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What do you call an anorexic with thrush?

A quarter pounder with cheese!
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Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.
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A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.
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What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?

He smashed his nose.
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What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?

Your wife will always blow your bonus!
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A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock.

A lady asks "What are you dressed as?"

He says a fireman!

You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can.
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One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.

She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.

She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."

He replies "BREASTS."
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Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"
-------------------------------------------------

Toner Boy

Same shit....

2010-09-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

... different Monday. Well that is not true. I am one step closer to becoming a resident of the Napa State Hospital!

I hope everyone had a fun filled weekend of food and football. Wait... we live in the Bay Area... there is no such thing as fun and football anymore. No need to go into any details here, we all saw the crap with our own two eyes. Then again with the great weather that we had I don't blame you one bit if you did not see one second of football this weekend. There will be plenty of 'indoor' required Sunday's in the months to come that you can see all the football you want guilt free!

Moving on. I would like to thank Albert for putting the curse of bad juju on the rest of us this fine morning with my 2 hour and 15 minute commute into work this morning. Why would I think that this Monday would be any different than the rest? Damn positive outlook on life crap.

I want to thank Ass Clown for not winning the Lotto over the weekend and me having to come in here in the first place as well. I know he wants to blame me, but it is SO his fault!! But hey... if you get that job and need to fill a team.... I put out. I may not be cheap, but I am easy. Just sayin.

As for my weekend.... I know... you are all riveted to your seats waiting to hear how I roll. Friday night once I made it into town after 7, we went over to George's for dinner with the family. Auntie and Rocco were back in town for a family funeral on Friday, along with Bert and Lippis. Good to see everyone, but sucks as to the reason why.

Saturday we got up and went over to Turbo's and I made breakfast for Hunny, McLovin and the girls. Then we went and worked on reports that they both have for school within the next two weeks. Thunder on Native American Tribes which is due on the day we leave for Disneyland, and Little Miss on ancestry due this Friday. I feel pretty good that Hunny and I will get A's on both of our, ahhhh... I mean, THEY will both get A's on THEIR reports once again that is. Once they were done the four of us played Wii for a little while and it was good for some laughs!

Later in the day Hunny and the girls went to a SC get together over at Chet's place, while McLovin and I went to Dublin to go and bowl with Ass Clown and Ducky for Ducky's birthday. Well needless to say, (Even though my dear, dear friends reminded me of it non stop the entire time I was there!) bowling 3 games twice in a 4 year period.... good things are NOT going to happen. McLovin beat me the first game, as did the 2 jackasses like a drum. I had a fair second game and beat all of them shooting a low 200. The wheels came off my cart as well as Ass Clown's the last game and we pretty much bowled like crap to round off the night. I know my excuse... what is theirs to even let me win one game? Per them I was never good to begin with. God I love my friends. Always there to pick you up! Guess I will stick with what I am good at.... don't know what that is anymore, but I am going to stick with it once I find it. Either that, or I need to get new friends! I can't even go with cooking and playing with myself... I even screw those up on occasion.

Sunday morning I got up early and went with Rocco and Pops to Costco to pick up BBQ goodies so we could hang out and watch some football with the family. Rocco picked up some links from Lockeford Meat the day before and I cooked up a pork loin, chicken and asparagus for good measure. It was more of a family gab session, than it was a football gathering! So regardless of the outcomes of the games a good time was had by most it appeared. The kids hung out in one room and let the adults chat in the other. It was almost like Facebook in real life! Go figure.

Hey Hunny.... "FLY!"

Is it just me or does everyone find it pretty ironic that the owner of Segway (An investor, not the creator) dies by falling off of a cliff while riding one of their devices? Hell with ironic... I find it funny as hell! Can I say it? Can I? OK..... It looks like he made a bad investment! *Bazinga*

Did you see The Race last night? I know the commercials have been playing for some time now showing that girl getting hit in the face with the watermelon, but nothing compared to watching it last night and hearing her say 15 times, "I can't feel my face." No shit? You just took a watermelon off the grill at 80mph! You are lucky it was not a seeded watermelon or you would have turned into a Gatling Gun the first time you sneezed!

11 days until Disneyland. Not that it is a big trip or a long trip, but for some reason I think it is going to be a real good trip. Then again... I have been known to be wrong in the past. Hell I bet I was wrong in my last paragraph to some degree. I guess as long as we don't eat any hot dogs this time we will be OK. We are all going to go on this trip and McLovin is even bringing his girlfriend who has never been to Disneyland before. At some point The SC is going to kidnap Hack and the 'Boys' are going to have to go out and ride a few rides together while the girls do what they do... 'cluck and shop!'

Oh I know you are thinking that I am going to get myself into trouble by saying these things.... no worries. Anyone reading this knows that I am full of shit to begin with! There is something to be said about being a jackass 24/7!

The CV Crawl is this weekend and rumor has it that Albert and I may make a run out there and make an appearance. Don't hold your breath.... we have not gotten final approval from the bosses yet! McLovin and I are going to go to the Raiders game on Sunday as well, so an all night bender it will not be. But it will be good to see those of you still locals that I missed when I crashed the reunion at midnight earlier this year. So look for us at the first couple of stops if you make it out! The CV Stroll Queen agreed to pick up my tab if I made it out, so how can I turn that down?

OK I am off to finger paint! (Getting ready for my time in Napa)

Toner Boy

OK two quick 'WTF's!?!?'

2010-09-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

First I go over to our other office and Dummy gives me 2 bags on mini Baby Ruth's and says thanks for helping her all the time. Plus she gives me a leather car visor tissue holder and says winter is coming. Grrrr...... Now how can I be mean to her????

The other is a whole different WTF. Munson is resting his arm on his head while he reads and his hand falls off and bounces off the ground and into the walkway as I go past and I end up kicking it! Dude! Keep your hand out of the walkway! I almost fell... over laughing that is!

Toner Boy

How do ya do?

2010-09-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

It is Friday and the world smiles. Well so they say. I am here at work while the family lays to rest one of our own who was taken from us too soon. RIP.

Sorry I have not been myself of late as I 'herd my kittens of life'. Just been one of those times in life when it was time to stop what you are doing and try and gather life back in and reflect on what it is you are doing. For those of you who stop this process after you pour yourself cereal each morning, so you can follow along with my thought process here, it is like how you found out that you have to eat All Bran a hell of a lot faster than Captain Crunch before it gets soggy! It was time VERY well spent though because going forward from here life is going to be so much better I feel.

OK... enough of the total enlightenment, that is not why you have cum, sorry.... come. Eye hate when eye cross words up when righting. You no the mind starts going on with thoughts and the fingers just dew what they want. Dam it two hell. Sun of a bith. Write Ed?

So Hunny really is getting into college football for reasons unknown after I have watched it for all of these years with no interest on her part in the past. She is looking for a team to get behind and so far her biggest reason for liking any team has been the colors that they wear. So pretty! She tried to tell me that USC was going to be her team because their colors were close to the Niners. Being a Notre Dame fan I just about burst a vein in my head hearing that, but I think I talked some common sense into her since they are the 'brotherhood of lined handshakes' and the 'devil children' of collegiate sports. I told her to go for respectable teams local to us that she would be able to see most of their games being played on Saturday's.... and to piss off Chet I told her that Stanford would be the perfect fit! Good team, and probably the best college QB in the country. Who unfortunately will kill the Irish in South Bend this week I hate to say.

14 days until our Disneyland trip! I don't know who is looking forward to it more at this point... me or the kids? McLovin can't make it because his mom is getting married that weekend, (Go Lisa!) but I am sure we will make another one or two before the year is out with The SC that he can attend and run around with me, Chet, Sleeper Cell and Fuzz!

Foo got a Blue VW Bug this week from the folks. Very fitting I thought since is will be bouncing off of everything just like a bug as she buzzes around town! Congrats Foo! Sorry City of Tracy.

I get a text this morning from Ducky asking if I was bringing apps to the bowl tomorrow night. I am guessing that the term 'Empanada' is what he really meant to say. I don't know Ducky, even though it is your birthday I will see what I can do for you! Those things are a ton of work on short notice, but I am sure I will come up with something if my schedule permits me too. You should have sent in that request last week!!! Then I could have went all 'Peter Brady' on you!

I was thinking about our next fundraiser for the girls cheer and I have come up with the perfect idea! For $20 per person I am going to give tours of my office so everyone can put a face to the names in this blog. As a bonus I will offer to the highest bidder the chance to spend a day here on 'Take our Child to Work Day' as my kid! Just think... you can spend a day looking through my eyes at the world of Toner Boy! All bids will start at $200 and go up in $20 increments. God I hope Game Time wins so I can explain his tan to these people! This should raise a few grand without fail!

Just went for a time wasting stroll (chewed up a big 4 minutes!) to find that they have installed a new pay phone in what had been an old gutted phone booth in the lobby ever since I started here 46 and a half years ago. A few questions.... first, do people really still have a need for pay phones in this day and age? It is sort of like offering a Beta VCR selection at Blockbuster. (oh wait they are gone now too!) Next if you were on a cell phone call why would you take your call inside the pay phone booth? One of the dumbasses from the office was in the booth (that has no door mind you!) talking on his cell phone! It just looked odd.

Obvious is out today. Penis is just being nutty. Anyway... yeah, anyway. Which one do I look at? just walked past my cube wearing her yoga outfit. There goes my lunch. Yeah these group of goobers go out onto the roof of the parking garage at lunch and yoga it up on their little mats. You would think I was in Berkeley! Her and The Muff-keteers go up there most days. Hell I have even seen Catching Flies with his mat in hand joining them. Maybe I should go up there and watch? You know... for some new material!

Well that is it from the trenches today. Going to go to our other office and.... FIX A PRINTER! FML.

Toner Boy

Make the bad man stop....

2010-09-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

No not the boogie man. The guy who has placed this black cloud over my head a few years back and forgot where he left it.

Well it is Monday once again and another weekend that has come and gone way to fast for my taste. I will say that this is no weekend that I am going to lock away in the old 'memory prize vault', but it is one that I will look back on at some point and feel I learned some life lessons because of it.

First of all, tell those around you what they mean to you more often because you never know when you won't have that opportunity. Life changes in the blink of an eye. 4 teens died in a car accident in Tracy early Saturday morning near our home. Godspeed.

Make time to live. We are all tired at the end of the day once you come home from work, but there are those who have waited all day for you to come home just to see you. They do not know what kind of day you have had, nor do they care. They are just happy to see you. Remember that.

I would say God created this... but it would be a lie. The truth is... some little Asian guy created DVR's so we could go on with our lives and not be tied to the whims of the television networks and their advertisers who make sure there is something that we all want to watch every night of the week. So hit record and don't forget that their is a world outside of your electronic devices that are 'must see'!

Live by the 3 L's - Live, Laugh, Love. There is no wrong order with these three words. If you are living by them.... they will all happen together without even trying. Those are the words of Toner Boy.

Before a quick rundown of the weekend I want to give a very special Thank You to Corn for working on my arm last night. We only worked on the outline (His back was killing him!), but it looks great and I can not wait to see it when it is completed. Yes... I will have a half sleeve when all is said and done. We have it from the shoulder cap, to the elbow with some arm pit in-between! That entire arm is dedicated to my family with one koi fish for each of my kids with a very special 'extra large' water lily for my wife that they are all swimming around. Just below the roses I have added a Japanese character that reads 'Family Love'. When it is finished the koi will be in a calico style with each of the kids favorite colors (Green for McLovin (But he wants neon green for his fish!), Red for Thunder, and Pink for Little Miss) in each of the fish scales, the lily in some of my wife's favorite colors (Pink, Purple and Yellow) and will have a blue and white water splash. Can't wait until it is all done and just wanted tell Corn thank you once again for the work. It really means a lot to me personally!!! Not that it is a big secret anymore, but we will be doing my other arm in a half sleeve as well with more things that I hold near and dear to my heart. As for what it is... just going to have to wait and see once it is done!

As for the rest of the weekend. First and foremost I hope y'all had a great one, and enjoyed yourselves. Rocco and Auntie came into town for the Raiders game and like normal Turbo's house was jumping because of it! Auntie's birthday was Friday so once everyone got into town it was a gathering at Pops place.

Saturday morning rolled around and I rolled out of bed early to go shopping for cooking my MIL's 60th birthday dinner out at Goobie's that night. We loaded up in the car and headed out to San Jose for my version of Panko Rolled Chicken Cordon Bleu, Roasted Dijon Red Potatoes and Fresh Green Beans. Looking at all the plates when we were done and the lack of talking during the meal I would say that it all came out pretty darn good. This is where I get my first message from Corn telling me the chair was clear and that I needed to come out. Damn. Told him we were busy in San Jose with the family and that if it were open on Sunday to drop me a line. Once we got back into town we stopped over Pops to visit Rocco and the family for a little bit before heading home.

Sunday morning I got up and made Texas style Eggs Benedict for Hunny. Toasted Jalapeno Cheddar Bread, Smoked Ham, Poached Egg, Garlic Lemon Mustard Sauce and some fresh dill and Spanish Lemon seasoning to top it all off. Off the hook! Of course I hit mine will a little Sriracha at the end for a lil sumpthin, sumpthin. Just sayin.... Ran out the the Bockle with Pops to help Yong out with the food prep for the Crawdad races to get them started. Felt bad that their turn out was not what it has been in the past. Especially since losing her husband such a short time ago. But it was good to see her and the kids carrying on the tradition of the event and being so strong. Hunny and I ran out to Manteca with the girls once we were done and got the girls some pants that actually fit them before the winter months come calling. Those two are just growing like weeds these days I swear it!

Here we are today. Back at the grind. OK, it is not really a grind.. it is a place for me to blog! Penis is MIA today and everyone else has been in their caves leaving me alone for the most part. Well besides Wigglesworth! That jackass has been creeping up on me all day. It is all good though.... I wore my 'drop the soap safe' boxers today! Yep... some lead lined drawers for Toner Boy today! Speaking of creeping... Creeper wants me to come to his place and connect all of his new computers and printers in the coming days. Wonder if he will wander around me while I am at his house as well? "No it is normal for me to check for wireless signal strength in your wife jewelry box!"

Game Time has a birthday this Wednesday. If I get to corral him this week it will be nice. If not we will do like we did for mine and have a birthday drink 5 months later! Just sent him a dirty email... let's see what comes of it! Like most of you, he doesn't read this thing either!

Ducky has a birthday this Sunday. It looks like me and McLovin will be joining the old guys down at the bowl on Saturday night to get him drunk and send him home with the wife. What are friends for? I am going to drag a few others down there yelling and screaming..... they just don't know it yet! It is a sight to be seen. How often do you get to see a guy as old as Ducky try and bowl with shot glasses glued to his eyes? It is worth the trip!

Turbo looks to be lining me up a catering event in Dublin for a college graduation next year. I am telling you.... one of these days Ass Clown... Lotto = Sports Bar = Gastropub = Retirement of Toner Boy, HELLO Happy Boy! Hunny, Ass Clown and Albert Run the bar, and me, McLovin, Turbo and Lu run the kitchen. Don't worry... Lu is just there to keep things clean! No eggs for her to monitor. Sorry Hack and Ducky... you two would eat all the profits!!!! Uncle Shartly and Pops are the bouncers. Shartly can scare the shit out of them. Or vice versa.

OK it is 2 hours until Niners kick off and they are already down 7. Sorry Fuzz... this is how you are going to end your 3 day weekend! But hey.... if the Raiders can win... anyone has a shot! Who Dat????

Countdown to Disneyland trip with The SC and Hack's family.... 17 days! I would like to send my apologies to the rest of the park for Foo. She knows not what she does. So put ice on any lumps, and rub dirt in any wounds as she blows through!

Toner Boy

What was learned from Week 1 in the NFL.....

2010-09-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

No real shock.... the Raiders are still the Raiders, and will be as long as Al still owns them. Lets face fast people. The only time we have been good in the last 19 years was a 4 year window when Al let Gruden run the show. Chucky became a cult icon and Al wanted no one to forget that the sweatsuit still owns the show. Someone please tell me who looked more confused.... Campbell figuring out how to slide feet first, or Al wearing a sweater and a jacket in balmy Tennessee? Campbell kept sitting down and I hate to tell Al that it was in the low 90's and 90% humidity!

The Ravens have Godzilla as a middle linebacker because I saw Jets crashing all over that field last night around him! Dude is straight savage and you have to be out of your mind to think that you are going to get out of 60 minutes with him unscathed! He was all over the field and there were two hits that had guys blowing snot bubbles! Trust me Greene and Keller will go into the fetal position right there in the huddle if their numbers are called to go across the middle of the field against the Ravens again in their careers. I bet you after that last hit Keller went to the sidelines and when he was asked if he was OK he came back with, 'Of course. I am Batman!' (Insert old Snickers commercial from 90's here!) Ray Lewis is a man among boys.

Not throwing jabs here, but the biggest 'WTF' of Sunday has to go to the Niners! This is a team that some people said would have home field advantage throughout the playoffs this season, and they got their asses handed to them by the Seachickens! The D did not play anywhere near their billing and they looked lost on offense. Davis's ripping of Crabtree looks well founded as he was running around like a lost puppy out there. I know everyone and their brother wants to rip Alex Smith, and to a point you should, but when your receivers routes look like the lunch bell just rang at a Latch Key class.... you try throwing to them!

I hate touted prodigies for the most part, and teams in the AFC West... but the Chiefs are for real! Between the world blowing Cassel and Haley before they had ever accomplished anything, just because they are the spawn of that voyeur Belichick, they were just instantly put on my shit list. Those kids can play some ball and will own the AFC West real quick if the other teams in the division are not on top of their game. Last night was no fluke. They can win some games and may not do it all this year. I am sure their youth will show its face from time to time and they will get gashed like the Raiders do week in and week out, but in the long run... these guys are going to be good!

The Chiefs rivals for the next few years in the AFC?? The Texans! They are big, young, strong, and fast! Johnson is the best overall receiver in the league and Schaub is no flash in the pan. With Foster running the rock, and Slaton catching passes out of the backfield in addition to that aerial attack.... ouch! Stout defense, a great owner and smart coaching staff.... yeah they are going to be a team to fear come January! Consider yourself warned.

The Pats are going to be doing things with smoke and mirrors this season, and their fans are going to have a roller coaster ride until the end. Their schedule is brutal as hell and that defense will give up more than they will stop in the long run. You know sort of like a fat hooker.... you may think it is OK to rent her for an hour because she probably has low mileage on her, but the brunt reality is she has been ridden more than Seattle Slew! Those extra LB's just make her feel like low mileage.... if you get my drift. *Wink-Wink* Doubt me now.... acknowledge me later.

Cowboys your fate is the same as the Pats. The only difference is you have 99% of the players you need to make a long run, but with a QB as bright as a port-a-potty cleaners outlook on life after clean up call from a Raiders home game.... an owner who is worse than the cast of The View when it comes to getting into peoples business.... and a coaching staff that is better suited for running a Tijuana Churro cart because the recipe won't confuse them! Yeah, my Spidey Senses don't tell me that this is a recipe for success for some reason.

Hate to say it Payton, but the Colts are done. Very simple... no Bob Saunders... no title. There are more holes that need to be filled in that defense than a gang bang at a Roman bathhouse! And you are not going to be able to throw your way through the playoffs again this season, like you did last season. The Texans are going to be your worst nightmare going forward, and your new contract extension that you want is going to kill your chance to reload. I think you are the best QB in football by a long shot, but sorry. Not going to happen this year.

Steelers are a team that I am not sold on just because of the issues with QB and what seems to be an all to often injured secondary. I mean Big Ben is doing his best to plug all the wrong holes and Troy is bound to have neck issues with all that hair! Get Ben a date, and Troy a haircut and I may have a change of heart.

J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets! Fighter Jets on defense, crop dusters on offense. Unless they can go down the field like a cop goes down on a doughnut, (Sorry Fuzz!) they are not going to be able to win games the way the Ravens did 10 years ago. I know Rex is having flashbacks of Dilfer not giving games away and Ray winning them for the Ravens with his current roster, but it is just not going to happen. Rivas is going to have a so-so year and teams are going to score just enough to force them to throw the ball. That is when the shit is going to hit the fan! Sanchez is OK, but he is not going to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat very often.

A prime example of only going as far as your leader can guide you... the Chargers. The ongoing displays of 'hissy fits' that are thrown by Rivers has tones of Ryan Leaf ringing in my ears. No I am not comparing their abilities so save your comments. I am talking about neither one of them being very tightly wrapped! Between him on offense, the HGH machine on defense, and Capt. Norm at the helm... they will do as they always do and set themselves up for failure in the playoffs. It will be the dumb call, bad penalty, or bad decision made by one of them that will lead to their downfall once again. Better luck next year. NOT!

Packers just got dealt a huge blow in losing Ryan Grant for the season, but they have enough tools to play with the big boys. Rogers is a fantasy stud without question, but lets see if that translates into big wins on the field of play before we hand them the title. I know the are the 'hot pick' this season, but coming from a Tedford system has my jumpy. Great for the highlights... so-so for the big win. Hawk and the defense are a good group that will give them lots of chances though. Rooting for them... cautiously.

Don't pin your hopes on 'Brett.... Faaaav-ra' recreating that old black magic again this season unless he has sold his soul to the devil! The numbers he put up last year were the best of his 19 career at that point, and there is no room for him to improve upon them. His wide outs consist of Bill his mechanic, Fred the doorman and his cousin Earl from Kentucky currently. Brett was a little too pigheaded to think he was going to repeat last years performance by staying home and playing catch with the kids at the local high school. They have no timing and once they do his regular batch with receivers will be back and far from football shape. Even though the defense is a stout one that will not give up a lot of points, this team is destined to be a mess by seasons end.

Who Dat? Yes, yes, yes... the Saints are good. Stop crowing. Just the feel good story of the decades at this point. Blah, blah, blah. The nuts and blots of it are simply this.... Brees plays and they will score a lot of points in their new aged 'Run & Shoot' offense. The defense is solid and will be playing with a lead most of the time that will allow them to be aggressive as they want to be. BUT, don't count your chickens just yet.... They are not going to have a turnover ratio like they did last season to take advantage of and will have to play better on the road. Their schedule is not the toughest out there and they will walk into the playoffs, but the real test will come in January for this team.

Anyone with two first names worries me. Yeah Matt Ryan has put up some good numbers since coming into the league, but after showing little fight in Week 1 against a Steelers team that was not at 100% is just a sin. They seems to have all of the parts to make a run and are the sexy pick to unseat the Saints, but...... I don't know. Something just stinks in Hotlanta and I don't think it is just the B.O.!

They were nice, but not THAT impressive. I mean the beat up on a Raiders team who I guess thought that it was still preseason when they got off the bus. CJ is a ghetto fabulous running back that I just can't get behind. He wants to take claim to the best back in the league, but up until he busted one out for 75 yards he was only averaging 3 yards a carry against the leagues worst run defense last season. He is like a poor man's Barry Sanders that can score. He in no way has the gift of jelly legs and swivel hips like Barry, but he is more of the 'enough I run the ball enough... I will break free at some point' type of guy. No real respect for that... nor a guy with a gold grill! Young is much better as a QB in the league now, but I just can't see a team running the option going real far in the NFL. Very young defense may hurt them at times in the season as well. This Titan is more of a Mermaid!

Then there are the teams not even worth my breath to bring up.... the Rams (Though there is hope in the long run!), Lions (See Rams.), Cardinals (Done), Bears (With Cutler in control? He is more psycho than Rivers!), Broncos (Hope they go 0-16!), Browns (Named after marked undies.), Bengals (Come on they will have more arrests than wins!), Giants (Is it me or does Eli always look like he is lost and needs directions?), Redskins (When he retires ABC will do a mini series - 17 NFC titles, no rings. The McNabb Story), Dolphins (Nice... but not that nice.), Jags (Come on.), Panthers, (Pussy Cats.), Bucs (Gay pirates!), Bills (They are full of bullshit.), Seahawks (Too afraid of Colonel Sanders. Plus if they won they would have the trophy stripped from Carroll's rules violations.), and the Eagles (Wings were clipped at QB and sold to Hooters!)

For the record - The rule for possession in the end zone is an absolute joke! The catch by Calvin Johnson was a catch in the eyes of common sense. I mean it would be like saying that sticking it in and pulling it right back out is not considered rape. Hell he did everything but give her the money shot! The NFL is taking the best product on the market and turning it into a 'Guiding Light' sports soap opera for men. "No. Be gentle and tag, not tackle!" or "OK. I saw two feet down but my law office really wants me to get more face time so I am going to make up some shit as I go! So you grab the ball and start wandering around like you are counting shit off and try not to laugh at me as I wing this."

My picks for the season with Week 1 in the books -

AFC West - Chargers
AFC North - Ravens
AFC South - Texans
AFC East - Pats (9-7 wins the East!)

Wild Cards - Colts, Steelers

AFC Champs - Ravens

NFC West - Does it really matter? Seahawks (8-8)
NFC North - Packers
NFC South - Saints
NFC East - Giants (Could be any of them, but just throwing this out there for Ducky! Don't be too happy... whoever wins is gone in the first round!)

Wild Cards - Redskins, Falcons (Only because they have 4 free games against the Panthers and Bucs!)

*The streak lives on that the hosting cities team will not play in the Super Bowl. Sorry Cowboys, but you are not even going to make it to the playoffs this year. On the bright side... you will have another new head coach like the Raiders will next year to blame for your short comings. Too bad it is the teams owners who are the source of the problems!!!!*

NFC Champ - Saints

Super Bowl Champs - Ravens

Raiders Record - 6-10 (Rams, Cards, Denver, Seattle, Jags and a meaningless game to KC)
Niners Record - 7-9 (Raiders, Denver, Rams, Bucs, Cards, Rams, and Cards)

There are my visions from the week that was in the NFL. Just call me the Swami!!!!

Toner Boy

Yep, Monday the 13th.....

2010-09-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

The lessor known and far worse day on the calendar. At least on Friday the 13th you have the weekend to recover from whatever horror was brought upon you. On Monday the 13th, you have all week to be reminded of it as you look at your co-workers!

Well I hope that every ones weekend lived up to its billing. *Crack* Wow... an early start for Cracker today. Must have been that weekend in football that has him reaching for the soda so early. You know... to settle the belly. I know that the performance of the Bay Area teams made me sick! Wow, they sucked!

Well my Monday is in full flight first thing in the morning today. First of all let me state that I am thankful to get out of the weekend with my life. Found out there is an organ snatcher on the loose. Yeah. It was texted to me. No really. We Googled it and Snooki said so. Whew....

Back to today.... Yeah here at the Colonoscopy Training Center for the Blind we are in full bore!

Trekkie came in and then beamed out for some reason known only to him. Must have been a World of Warcraft meeting he had to attend.

Obvious is being a full blown pain in my ass today. You know.... he is talking to me without a request on my part for him to do so. What da hell?

The Whisperer, Funk and Wagnalls and one of the other turd pushers are unable to push the proper keys on their keyboards as they locked themselves out of their computers this morning.

No Friends is wearing brown stretchy pants with a fuchsia skirt with what looks like bed skirts layered on it, black shoes, black shirt, brown vest and her Duraflame red hair. *Crack* (Not as bad as it appears... it has been an hour. I know Ednolb would be going into soda shock waiting that long, but it was only about 5 minutes of reading after all!)

Speaking of the devil.... Cracker just came over and told me things are not as bad as they looked for the Raiders after yesterday. I told him he was right. There are only 15 games left on the schedule, and not 16 like before. He got mad and left. What? He knows I am a Raiders fan right? Could be worse.... could be a Niners fan after this weekend. Wait Hunny, come here!

So what about the weekend that was now that I have pissed everyone off? Damn it is cold in this place. You would swear I was in an ice bath or something. No Hunny really, come back!

Friday was a great drive home. Only took 2 and a half hours. Woot-woot! I did drive by a truck-b-que that made me hungry after 2 hours. Made me crave... what was it again Infidel? Fried chicken and corn bread?

Saturday we got up early and went to the Bean Festival in the morning. Met up with much of The SC while we were there and had a good time hanging out with everyone. Our friends daughters are part of the Royal Court and they did a talent show that was a lot of fun as well. Bought some fudge from Momma Ruth at her grandparents booth while we were there. Damn good stuff I must say! In the afternoon me and McLovin went out to the tattoo shop so I could play in the poker tournament they were having and visit corn. Needless to say, like everything else, it was not my day! Played soft with AQ in the big blind and tried to nail someone to the wall VERY early in the event and hit a pair of Q's on the flop. I checked them and then spiked an A on the turn for top 2 pair. Yeah well some ass hat flopped a set of 6's and road me like Seabiscuit to the river for all my chips. Buh-bye. The only plus to the day is I got all of my artwork in place for Corn to do my next tat when he gets the time. We went back to Turbo's and had a killer dinner made by Hunny. No not 'Man Down' killer.... kick ass killer! See... told you that you could cook more than tater tots! (Can you feel the air as I try and suck up from my earlier bombs?)

Sunday we got up with the chickens to go over to After 6 and Monkey's house for the kick in the nuts, I mean kickoff to the football season. I have been to funner wakes. There was some good grub though! The fun kicked in until we ran out of ice. Then the fun really kicked in when we found out there was a real need for the ice if we wanted to live. Or at least visit Mardi Gras and live once they cut out your kidneys and liver. We also learned that texted is a noun for some of us. Others of us would rather not admit that it is a word. I am one of those people who thinks that Webster's Dictionary is on crack for saying it is! Dictionary.com from now on is the only way I fly... they are with me! When you type in texted on Dictionary.com and click search, the results come back 'Are you serious?' I like this site more than porn now. OK.... more than gay porn at least. OK... guy on guy gay porn. There. What is funny that blogger is even saying that texted is not a word as I am typing it right now! AHAHAHA Texted, texted, texted... that is some funny shit! Late addition!!!! I forgot to mention that we also learned that OJ is innocent of going Ginsu on his wife and her hump per Monkey. Yeah figure that one out!

OK now that my wife and Ednolb are no longer talking to me..... can a brother get some ice to slow the bleeding? (For those of you not laughing.... you missed-ed a moment in time that just can not be recreated! Thanks for the laughs girls!! You too McLovin... you were quick on the draw! Don't let word of that get out to the ladies though!)

Thunder is playing in her first volleyball game for the school today! Good luck and don't hurt anyone like Foo would!

Warren Buffett rules out any chance of a double dip recession with the growth of the economy. Really? Dude, not only do we NOT live in your world.... you lose more money in the dryer falling out of your pants pockets than most of us will ever see again. Keep your opinions to yourself! Ask someone looking for a job if they feel the same way. These fools need a clear dose of reality. Why do people listen to the opinions of the filthy rich? Because they are rich? What is going on in the day to day lives of us normal folks tidal waves of economic change... for them someone just skipped a penny across a glass-like pond. You have no sense of reality when you have that much money, so shut your hole and go back to Nebraska!

Keystone Cop and Corn got those new HTC Evo phones and let me tell you they are nice! The only downside that I can find to them is a just horrible battery life, even for smart phones. When will these phone companies stop teasing us and give us a phone what we can use without being attached to a wall charger at the same time? I mean if you have an iPho... hello? Are you still there? Hello?

Just went up stairs and walked past Pigpen's cube. I am guessing she attended the Bean Festival as well for some reason. Damn. I think Bean-O should sponser next years event. Just sayin....

Well like bad yeast in a loaf of bread, I once again I did not rise to the occasion.

Toner Boy

Also for those of you who have searched texted on Dictionary.com..... I thank you for giving my little joke the extra legs it deserved.

Be warned.... I was bored....

2010-09-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

Well I have nothing else to do, so I am going to do you. In the eyes at least. Well you are the ones reading this, and trust me... I am phucking you. Like my wife... you just don't know it yet, so I will remind you when I am finished. Will you tell me how much you enjoyed it at the end to make me feel good as well? Yeah... her either.

Since this place and my life are more and more like a morgue each and every day, and no one wants to hear about my life, let's talk....... hmmmm, well whatever in the hell I can come up with I guess.

*Takes a sip of coffee. Scratches himself.* Yeah I got nothin.

Sorry I am bored and you are paying the price. God as much as I would hate to be you right now reading this.... well, I am already me so you have a leg up on me. I already know my way out of this mess as I will be swinging from a tree. If I were you I would dig my eyes out with a spoon to make the pain from this blog stop!

Oh look! We got our yearly batch of spare/replacement computers delivered just now. All 9 of them???? Yeah I guess jobs are not the only things being hit hard by the economy considering we normally get 50 or so. How in the hell am I supposed to get through 12 months with 9 spare computers for over 220 users? Do you know what these dip shits do to these things? Then again if I am still working here in another 3 months, 20 days, 6 hours and 43 minutes I have much bigger problems to concern myself with. Oh well their funeral.... Or mine depending on how you look at it I guess. Remember Ass Clown you promised to come and play cards with me if the doctors can pull me through!

Oh my gawd I have never been this bored in my life! My biggest fear in life is being alone, and these days I feel like I have been living in solitary confinement for the better part of a year in a half just about every waking moment of my life. I always thought that it was strange that people freaked out when prisons placed them in solitary. I thought that if it were me I would rather be in there then deal with the scum in the jail. Well I was wrong... they would both suck!!!! Guess we are all now clear on why I drink. Before it was for fun.... now it is for need!

Got side tracked there for a minute, because now it is post-lunch hour. Thinking about walking over to our other office and working from there the rest of the day. At least that office has a view outside. Maybe that will help my gloominess???

Nope. It is just brighter over here. Not the people, the light. Still feeling like a rain cloud is over my head. Either that or I am being pissed on by flying crickets. I need to defunk. Any thoughts out there? And before you say it Fuzz I took a shower! I think Corn needs to clear the chair and get me some new ink. Yeah a little fresh color in my life is a good start! What do you say Corn? How's my credit?? AHAHA

Ice Shaker just hit his knee on his file cabinet and is rolling around in pain over there. I almost had water come out my nose I was laughing so hard!! Bet that hurt. Sucks for him.

Penis is now sitting in the cube behind me working on another computer. What is it about having 'penis' and 'behind me' combined in a sentence that bothers me?

After months of waiting for the new Kindle to come out, and then weeks of waiting for the order to finally get filled Thunder's new Kindle got delivered today. Cool huh? I just read an article on CNET that says in a few weeks Best Buy will be selling the Kindle 3 in their retail stores for the same price as well. Go figure.

I think I am going to add to my frustrations today and go home and play online poker. Nothing like getting sucked out on to finish off a good day! Then again there is truly nothing like getting suc..... sorry. Flashback.

I know... my mind is always in the gutter. I am a male. What can I say? Maybe if I had the sex drive of a Eunuch we would all get along. Then again if sex were on the table like it was during those courting years this would be much less of a problem to begin with. And the couch. And the bathroom. The stairs. The car. Kitchen counter. The floor. Yeah.....

Yeah I know. All that passion and stuff is just gross! Especially when it does not live up to the 47 smut books you have in your nightstand drawer when they depict you getting mounted by Fabio. How could we live up to that, right? Yeah I take a good read over the real thing myself. You should really check this author out.... Toner Boy. His stuff is hot!

With that.... I leave you with Ben Stiller's best line ever, "Oh, and Jack.... Pam's pregnant. Focker, OUT!" - Meet the Focker's

Toner Boy

WTF was that????

2010-09-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

When are people going to learn? To drive? To walk? To talk? Most importantly... shut the hell up!?!?!?

Yeah, I am bitchy today so get used to it!

So my day starts out in heavy traffic... what else?!!?!? (Thanks Ducky for giving me the head up this morning!) So a dumpster fire of a truck driver nods off at the wheel on 580 in Livermore at 3 this morning and just ruins ten plus thousand peoples day. Yes I am one of the lemmings as well. Now this is not some big Hollywood explosion type of thing, or a rig that went rolling down the roadway with parts spread from asshole to elbow.... no. There were 3 to 4 gallons of diesel fuel that they had to fucking call HAZMAT out to clean it up and close off most of the lanes!!! You ruin all of these folks day over 3 or 4 gallons? Really? Dude give me some kitty litter and a broom and I will have that shit up in about 5 minutes so people can get to work, without trying to figure out how they are going to piss out their morning cup of coffee as they sit door-to-door in the #2 lane with 5,000 other cars! Get real people!!! You think those few gallons of gas are going to bring the world to a crashing halt with all of the other crap that we do to it each and every day? I bet all of those cars sitting and burning fuel in one spot was a LOT worse on the environment then a little gas on the ground considering it probably added to holes in the ozone.

Yeah I am cranky. You would be too if you had to hit the country back roads to drive 49.4 miles to work in 2 hours, on what should be a one lane road, (Patterson Pass) and have some asshole in a truck trying to come in the opposite direction like a salmon swimming upstream against a school of fish. Like the Caldecott Tunnels the shit needs to be one way traffic during certain hours of the day! What an asshole.

So after that little butt nugget of joy.... I get around the puddle of gas on the road (That I am sure took 17 men, some Mop & Glow, a couple of bags of Egg McMuffins and a governors order to clean up!) and I got back on the freeway eventually just to find that they have released special needs people loose! I mean people were just stuck on stupid in their cars! I mean I know everyone was a little punchy after getting through that crap, and it is early as hell so not all of us are awake to begin with... but damn! I even saw an asshole use the shoulder for about a mile before his off ramp while doing about 80. Is getting to your job that important that no one will understand that America's finest are out there on our roadways and had a little boo-boo this morning!?!?

Side note... was there a phucking sale on squeaky shoes over the Labor Day weekend or something???? Maybe my level of sniveling bitch-a-tude is amplifying the noise or something?

After about 2 hours I am now in the Happiest Place on Earth.... Hoodland. Once again I missed the memo about people not needing to look when crossing the street around the lake and cars must freeze in place. Cause we all know that it is simple to slow down the momentum of a 4,000 pound vehicle doing 30 mph within 6 feet! This lady was jogging on the sidewalk and just made a hard left turn into the crosswalk like she was in a dusty Nebraska town with a population of 62 and never even so much as glanced around. The lady in front of me jams on her brakes and puckers her ass as she watches me do the same thing in her rear view mirror. She looks at me to sort of say 'sorry' and then turns out her window and tells the runner how she should have turned her into a hood ornament in 4 letters or less. Something that rhymed with stunt I think it was. Of course with iPod in hand she heard nothing but Jay-Z is my guess.

I get into the office to find Anyway stuck in full stutter mode this morning. Just throwing out 'Anyways' like F-Bombs on the phone. One after another as he is ticked off about something while talking on the phone. Penis comes up and tells me that he would have thought that I would not have been in office until at least noon with the traffic issues and I tell him, "No if that were the case you would have not seen me at all. At this point you may be lucky if you ever see me again after that drive." He walked away with a 'he may be serious' look on his face, not quite knowing how he should take my statement. Seriously is how he should take it. Right now I could be bought for a stick of gum and a hand job!

That was followed up with Trekkie coming over and telling me that there was no traffic on BART this morning. With a rye smile I fire back, "Well I never road the school bus when I was in school, so once I got my license I was compelled to drive like an adult would." He looked at me like, "How did he know I road the school bus to high school?" Look at you. Ya ass hat.

So.... anyone else care to push my buttons today? Hack is off to a good start on my fan page. Dummy has already called and thinks that the county is spying on her and her computer. Freak. Then to top it off.... an email about.... toner. FML. FML. FML. FML. FML.

I would like to thank Action Jumper for his updates from DMV this morning. Much needed laugh! Just want to say.... ALALALALALALALALALALA

Today is definitely Hump Day..... because I have been phucked. Been nice if there was a soft naked girl involved. In its place all I get is a Viagra drip and a monkey with rough, dry hands and aggression problems. Story of my life.

So pile on my joy wagon.... I am off for a fun ride today!

Toner Boy

Feels like a Monday....

2010-09-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

Right back where I left off it seems. One step forward, two steps back.

WTF is it about gaining momentum these days? I thought Newton knew what the hell he was talking about?!?! Besides my belly there is nothing that I have going on that starts in motion, and remains in motion.

Speaking of which.... time to drop the L-B's and get back to the gym, or at least some road work. Me and buck 90's don't get along too well these days. There was a time when I made that number look damn good, but that time has long passed. Much more of the low 180's kind of guy these days. No need for the bulk, just cut thin to win. Too much beer and couch this year. With cool weather coming I mind getting out and exercising a lot less. God I must be getting old.

I hope everyone out there had a great, fun and safe holiday weekend. I hope you enjoyed it to its fullest, because it is the last one that we get until November! So let's cover the weekend that was...

Friday night I left work at 5 and got back into town about 7:10. This should have been my first clue! Went over to Turbo's to visit Live at 5 and Keystone Cop who were in town. Always great to see them and just hang out and catch up on the latest. Not to mention a damn good laugh!

Saturday me and the fam went over to Ass Clown's for a gathering that included Johnny Cocknozzle and Ducky. Had a great time with them for a little bit before we headed out to watch Noodle play his football game back in Tracy. They kicked ass and before getting the wind knocked out of him he caught a deep pass for a touchdown! McLovin, Albert and Ednolb were on hand as well to check out the game. Afterwards we went back over to Ass Clowns to sit and chat it up with everyone for a few hours. Great group of people and a fun time was had by all. The girls had a blast playing with all of the other kids until all hours of the night and they all got along really well. Sorry we did not do any shopping. It seems hunting season has been called off. Gasp! Thanks for the great time guys!

Sunday morning we had our fantasy football draft online with McLovin and some of the boys, before heading back out for more holiday weekend festivities. We made our way over to a BBQ in the park with the Jumper Gang and the rest of the Raider Posse for a few brews and gab. Thanks for having us out, we will have to do it again! After a quick run to the store it was time to go to The SC get together. Looking around there was a bit of an issue though..... No Ed. WTH Ed? We still love her regardless, but we did spend the first hour or two together giving her shit via text! After a few drinks and some food we wandered outside for a game of bocce on the front lawn until it got so dark that we could no longer see! Of course that just lead to the adults thought process of how capture the flag would be a great idea! Look... no one said we were bright! Chet, Paparazzi, Smut Queen, Fuzz, Hunny and myself went to the park and made injury filled asses out of ourselves! Chet did a header in the tanbark, I stepped into a knee high ditch to wrench my back, and Paparazzi went running through the rose bushes all in the name of a 0-0 tie game! Yeah... we know. Sad.

Monday was a day of recovery for the most part. Sat around the house and played a little online poker between some cooking and cleaning up. I played just enough poker to remember why I hate online poker. Bunch of donkeys. Turbo and Pops stopped by for a few minutes in the afternoon. It was open gym so we could go and watch the girls practice, so Hunny took Little Miss down to the gym and Thunder and I ran over to Fuzz's for some leftovers from the night before. Watched a little college football before heading down to the gym and baked as we watched the girls work on their routine for this season. Damn that place is hot! We look around and wondered where Thunder had vanished too. Fuzz and I walked into the parents room to find her out like a light on the couch! Guess the weekend was long for her as well. The sad part is that she had not even practiced yet. It is going to be a long night for her! But she sucked it up and had a good practice by busting out some great stunts while working with her elites base group.

Now I am back here at Wack-a-Doodle World and finding ways to entertain myself. Not always a bad thing, but it is pretty bad when 9am rolls around and you have to ask yourself, "Now what?" I would say that everyone in this place has a case of 'the weekends', but this is their energy level 24/7 for the most part! All hands are on deck I am afraid and they are being as productive as ever. This coming from a person typing his blog currently. Yeah... I am still more productive, so bite me! If I were more their speed you would have nothing to read so save your little comments... Hack. By the way, your ass shouldn't even have the time to read this! *HINT* *HINT*

What's on tap! Well lets take a look at the Toner Boy date book. OK, the computer calendar. Hmmm... phone reminders. Ahhh.... yeah. So. Who's ready for football season??? No the calendar is not all that bare. This weekend besides kickoff Sunday, the Bean Festival is in downtown. Bring gas masks, or Bean-o. Since I will not be doing any cooking in it this year, (since my sous chef moved out of town!) so we will just be doing the stroll through there on Saturday to see what everyone else has cooking. Not to mention the fact I am still ass sore over the burger cook off last year. Just sayin. Coming up I am going to do some cooking for my MIL's birthday over at Goobie's. We have Ducky's yearly golf, drink and bowl fest coming up as well. The SC is making a trip down to Disneyland in a few weeks to put those season passes to work. Game Time has a birthday in there as well, and a possible run to Tahoe for some poker thrown in there. All of that wrapped around football and getting up Halloween decorations in the next 6 weeks. Yeah baby, that's right it is Fall time! Bring it!

Mmmmm it is someones birthday and they brought cupcakes. Not bad. Not bad at all. Not like yours Turbo, but this is a pretty good lemon cupcake. Hmmm.... check that.... got milk?

This one is for Pops real quick - "Dad. Dad. Can we go fishin' dad? Can we Dad? I wanna go fishin' Dad. Dad. Dad."

There has been an unconfirmed sighting of Uncle Shartly. From what I hear it is not going to be a long sighting as he turns around and heads back out on the road this upcoming weekend. Travel safe, and bring some extra undies! Just going by the track record. You never know.

It is official... this day has hit the skids. (Don't know why Uncle Shartly brought that to mind.)

OK folks I am going to find a place to curl up and take a nap. Y'all come back now. Ya hear?

Toner Boy

Oh holy hell.....

2010-09-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

So I walk into the office this morning and almost fall down blind because No Friends has pulled the ultimate Ronald McDonald by dying her hair.... well.... RED! No, no, no.... not smokin hot redhead red.... FIRE ENGINE RED! Hence the name No Friends! Her hair dresser has to just hate her guts to let her walk out the door looking like that!

I will say sorry from now... it is Friday... I am bored... and I am trying to do whatever I can to get this day over! So all of you... are my victims! Suck it up, and deal with it.

So a quick show of hands. How many of you are going to be willing to visit me monthly at Napa State Mental Hospital as I play with Play-Doh and boogers? Oh come on! I am sure it will be well worth the drive! You just know I will snap and start trying to change out toner in the printers or fix computers without rhyme or reason. Replacing the green toner with smashed peas while sitting on top of the printer naked yelling, "Print now! Print now!" Sticking a piece of gum under the 'Z' key so the first time the hit it it sticks and I come up behind them yelling, "Puter is tired! Go to sleep! Nappy time!" Going on the server and change all the passwords to 'notagainDummy' with a phone duct tapped to my ear and a cut off phone cord hanging down to my side saying, "What do you want your password to be this hour?"

I know Infidel would visit, just because she is sick like that! Hell she would probably make me do toe lifts while they have me strapped down to my bed with a Prozac drip running in my forehead for direct access while telling me, "Come on! Two more you sissy! Now quit drooling all over yourself and puke!"

OK.... flash back 4 months to present day. How is everyone doing today? Ready for the weekend? Thanks Ducky for making sure Dummy called me today with your 7am text about forgetting your own password. Dude, I am telling you.... it was going to happen with or without your text, but that sealed it! I am telling you this is no joke! There are 4 possible passwords that one has to use here to get into various applications and systems. I have changed at least 20 passwords for her in 2 days! Yeah... that is the same ones more than once within this daily 8 hour drool fest!

Penis proceeded to tell me how to go about getting an average when working with numbers in a spreadsheet. Really? The big number goes into the little one? No fucking way! All this time I thought 1 was 400% of 4! I'll be dipped. Guess that is why he is the chief and I am just the wee lil' Indian here. I told him that if I were confused about that to just shoot me now. Then I begged him to just get it over with and shoot me now! Still here. Rat bastard.

Looks like my dance card for the weekend is now full, if not over booked! Tonight Keystone Cop and Live at 5 are coming out for a visit to Turbo's. We might make it to the Tracy High football game to I Spy on Foo and Momma Ruth. Tomorrow Ass Clown is having a get together at his place and Noodle is playing football that night. Rocco is still going to be in town so there may very well be a to-do over at Turbo's as well, and I have our fantasy football draft first thing in the morning. Sunday we are going to an SC gathering and to TP Ed's house if she does not make it out. There is a BBQ at a high school buddies and Albert and I are going to try and hit early in the day. There is another party that friends are having that we are going to try to attend later in the night if we can. I have a couple of hunts that I need to address during that time and then things to do around the house on Monday. Damn that is a lot of shit! You know what... it is all good though. I would have it NO other way! So everyone we will see you at some point, or at least do our damn best to make it with food in hand! Hold on Hunny... it is going to be a bumpy ride! Not to mention we have a lot of running around to do! What?

OK... coffee has worn off, time has gone still, and mind has gone blank. Is this the calm before the storm? Am I shutting down? Nope. Just turning into one of them. A county employee. Nothing goes in, and nothing goes out. Your mind goes blank and you are unable to think. Nothing seems to matter and all you can see is your computer screen. There is nothing y... 'SQUIRREL' ...ou can do to stop it.

Told you I was bored.

I would like to thank New York's newest resident Tiger Woods for playing like crap today after starting him in my fantasy league this week. Guess that $54 mil you pulled out of your house so you could buy in NYC is weighing on you a bit there huh Eldrick? 3-over through 5... Hack plays better. OK... I am pulling your leg, but still. COME ON!

Preseason football is over and college football is here! Now bring on some fall weather, lets eat comfort food and get fat! Woot-Woot! (Is that how it goes Smut Queen?)

OK... well lunch is almost here so I can go take a nap. I hope nap time in Napa will be at noon as well. I am starting to get used to it and expect it!

Be safe and happy hunting!

Toner Boy

On Safari....

2010-09-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

Ahhh Crikey! Deep in the jungles of the Atlantis Hotel and Casino there lies an amazing creature. Let's go in for a closer look. Yes there she is the famed Diamond Cougar I have heard about. You can tell she is the leader of the pack by the tiara she has on her head. As I move in closer I can hear her talking with her pack. Listen close and let's see if we can make out what she is saying.... "What up BITCHES?"

Yes.... it was a successful hunt and the 'Bitches' were in full affect in Reno this past weekend! Now let's figure out how I got there in the first place!

Thursday I headed into the office in the morning to tell them that I did not feel good since I had already taken Friday as a vacation day. You know... put on a good front! What they did not know is my bags were packed and in the back of the car and with highway 80 within sight I was heading northeast to Reno, not back to Tracy! There was a deep stack No Limit tournament going on at the Peppermill that I could not pass up. Guess I should have!

I got up there about 11:30, and the event started at 12. Played good tight poker for the first 2 hours and was right about even in chips for the most part. After the break I came back to the table and had a couple of 'cooler' hands dealt to me that I had to fold out of to stay in the event because I got sucked out on. With less than 20% of my starting stack I got my ducks back in a row and got to where I was 3rd big stack at my table and in pretty good shape to cash overall. There were 122 people that played the event and we were just about half way through the group at this point. Then it happens.... the recreation of Ass Clown and Johnny Cocknozzle arrives.

With a pre-flop raise by another player and 2 calls ahead of me I look down to see I am holding a pair of 5's. Doing much better in chips at this point I take a chance and see a flop by calling the raise. The dealer turns over 5-A-4 with no matching suits. Nice 3 5's on the flop. The initial raiser puts in a follow up raise that is pretty small. The first caller folds and the player on my right doubles his raise over to me. Nice... one of them has to have an ace and the other maybe a big pocket pair. So I put in a pot sized raise that is about 4 times the re-raise put in by the player to my right. The initial raiser thinks about it for a while and then folds. There goes that pocket pair, right? The player to my right re-raises me once again. Now WTF? There is no way he played pocket aces that soft. Even though this guy has caught a ton of cards on draws or what have you, there is no way I am behind to him and I hope he has either 3 4's, two pair after playing a weak ace, or just think that a pair of aces is good enough to beat me. I re-raise him for about 75% of my chips. Without hesitation he puts me all in and at this point I can do nothing else but call even though I have been playing super tight and he knows it. I turn over my 3 5's and he slow rolls over a 2-3 off suit. Are you fucking me right now? Great hand, don't get me wrong, but what in the hell was he doing calling a pre-flop raise and call that was in front of him with players to his left that still had to react? Well donkey boy took all my chips since I never pair the board for my boat or hit the case 5. I am happy to report that I did see him about 2 hours later in the casino and he did not cash either. Not a big shock playing the way he was. Well I finished in 61st, right in the damn middle and they only paid out the top 12 players. To make any real money you had to at least finish in the top 7.

OK enough of cards. So Thursday came and went and Hunny, Albert and Ednolb were on their way into town. I got up and went down to the Atlantis to wait for them and hang out at the bar drinking my breakfast. No sooner they got into town here comes Hack right behind them. We all hung out for a bit and then got ready and went and grabbed some food over at the Peppermill until Keebler Elf got into town later that night. We all hung out shot the shit and laughed to Keebler Elf's dumb ass until about 2 in the morning. Headed back to our rooms and left Hack and Elf at the bar as they decided who was going to be the back spoon once they got back to their room! Last chance for me to be with a woman in her 30's, so the Mrs. was a Princess and removed any dried ink from Toner Boy's lines.

A new day in upon us and Albert and Ednolb are already up and on the move. They left us a note that they were going to her parents house and visit while they wait for her sister to get into town and join us. So Hunny and I got up and went downtown to have some breakfast at the ass crack of dawn (in her mind) and hang out down there for a while. Hack tracks us down and has breakfast with us as well as Elf is out trying to run off the effects of the night before. After a few hours we head back to our hotel and meet back up with Albert and Ednolb to play in the casino for a little bit until it is time to go get ready for dinner. What the hell happened to Elf? Low and behold here comes the little guy, with a drink in his hand and a slur in his voice! Oh my this is going to be a long night. Elf sat with me and Hack and proceeded to tell us the same story 6 times and 5 different ways for an hour while we drank until we could no longer hear what he was saying. Either that or he had started to make sense to us.

I went back to the room to get ready and I get a text from Hack telling me that Elf is passed out cold on the bed. I told him to leave him and run! Well the sissy that he is he woke him up and told him he had 5 minutes to get ready and meet us in the casino. Glad he did because the drunk little bastard was funny as hell all night! (Besides the part where he kept spilling drinks!) We went and met up with Mighty Oak and his girlfriend downtown at Roxy's for some good dinner and drinks. Just another great night of talking, laughing and hanging out with a great group of people. What more could you ask for? Well if you were in the same part of the restaurant as we were, you could be like them and ask for another table. Yeah we were loud as hell, but there was this one older man who sat right there with us and thought that we were just a group of young people having fun and he was great. The lights were also real low so you can understand how he thought that we were a group of young people and not the immature adults that we really are!

After dinner we went down to the casino and hung out and had a few drinks waiting for 12 to roll around and we could finally crown Hunny a cougar! Well not a cougar in the sense of the word that y'all are thinking.... basically I just wanted an excuse to bag her, so cougar it was! Hence the safari theme to this long ass game of Scrabble I am playing. Ednolb's sister Lefty had to get on the road BECAUSE HER DADDY WAS PICKING HER UP so they left and headed back to the hotel before my hunt was on. Once 12 rolled around we went to another bar with the rest of our motley crew to have a birthday drink, relax and listen to a cover band play for a little bit. I got the wife a night cap. You know... to impair the hunt. Went back to the hotel and left Hack and Elf to go decide their sleeping arrangements for the night once again. (Rumor has it that Elf front spooned it all weekend. Such a giver!) Went back to the room and tried to do my best Steve Irwin but once the lights in the room got turned off I realized I was without a trusty flashlight! So I improvised and went all Team Edward on her! That is right.... need to adjust in a pinch when needed to Get er Done! Like a bat.... I can see better in the dark. Lord knows I am blind as hell during the day!

Sunday morning we go up and rolling as soon as our bodies will let us. My body let me get going MUCH sooner than Hunny's, but that goes without saying. That's right. That's how I roll. We grabbed a bite to eat and heading back home after a great weekend to see family and friends who were unable to make the trip. Albert and Ednolb were kind enough to host a great party for Hunny over at their place since they have enough room for all of us and places for the kids to run around outside. Turbo did a great job busting out all of the food and cakes for everyone, and for that I once again thank her! You are the best Ma! Good food, good people and I got to see all my kids. All in all.... a DAMN good weekend!

Now I am three days into the county fair out here in Oakland, and let me tell you they are just as puuuurrrrddeeee as they were when I left. Just as dumb too. Rocco is in town visiting and he says has pepper macs waiting for me over at my mom's tonight (Right next to a cocktail I am sure!) so I am going to go hang out and eat after work. That makes the week move by SO much quicker, let me tell you.

Thank you once again to eveyone this weekend who made it out to Reno and over to Albert and Ednolb's house on Sunday. We had a great time all weekend and it was good to see everyone. Mighty Oak, Hack, Elf... it was great to see you guys again after all of this time. Well except Hack.. I see his dumb ass every few months. Albert, Ednolb, thanks for a great weekend and being great hosts after a LONG weekend! SC, glad you were in the house on Sunday. Thanks again to Turbo, Pop's and McLovin for getting everything together for Sunday. Smut Queen for her kickin fruit salad. (Yummy, yummy!) You made her birthday one that she will remember for a long time. Or at least until next year when her memory is completely shot. "Little Miss. Did you brush your teeth today?"

This weekend appears to be as up in the air as a Chinese gymnast, so I am just going to keep my mouth shut and roll with the punches. There is only one thing I know for sure.... I will be sporting the camo! With that said, have a great weekend everyone and be safe out there.

Toner Boy