The Aging Hepster

The Hold Steady!

2010-08-01T05:26:00.002-04:00

Birthday

2010-01-28T01:41:00.001-05:00

So, alright, it's my birthday, hepcats!
Every year since 1992 (my, um, eight birthday?), I've listened to this one song at 12:01 am on 28 January (shout out to our European readers - 5 per cent at last count!).
So, this is my gift to you. Now you get to hear it too. And see it, through the magic of internet!

So now all you have to do is come back here every year, search for this post, and it will be like WE ARE WATCHING THIS VIDEO TOGETHER. Except I'll probably be passed out in a pool of vomit and scotch. So get here early!

Still working on The Most Awesome Thing ever, but in the meantime we're going to put another movie in the Crappy Movie Compendium. Look forward to that, hepcats. It is your destiny.

Deadspin

2010-01-23T01:38:00.002-05:00

Wassup Hepcats!
So I've mentioned earlier that one of the highlights of the last year was being approved as a commenter on Deadspin. I know I know, sad, right. But if you enjoy sports + comedy + obscure allusions, and if you are here I bet you like two of the three, the Deadspin comments section should be right up your alley.
I don't have a star yet, so I guess I'm the Bobby Moynihan to the Will Fortes there. Which is kind of depressing to think of that way.
Anyway, here are some choice comment threads today from a story that featured an email from a dude who was pissed about one author's liberal slant, and another fully in favor of a whites only basketball league.

The 1st email:

I get it, you hate conservatives. I get it, you think we are all greedy, inbred, bible thumping troglodytes who want to kill off gays, whales and everyone who is darker then Bronson Pinochette (we are all secret fans of his wholesomely delightful Cousin Balky character). Thanks for sharing that opinion. It is a very novel and courageous stance to take in your field of employment. But please, every now and then, just shut the fuck up and tell me a biting and humorous story about Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods banging every $10K per hour hooker in Vegas without referencing George W. Bush or Sarah Palin.

The comments:

MattinglysSideburns 01/22/10

I'd certainly remember making a doozy of a Freudian slip like "Bronson Pinochette."

It was a simple mistake, Craggs. I think he was referring to the time you referenced Who's the Boss? star, Suhartony Danza.

MarkKelsosMigraine 01/22/10

@MattinglysSideburns: Holy Crap. Young commenters, pay attention -- This is how you do it.

Phintastic 01/22/10

@MattinglysSideburns:

You are on fire today.

IamScarletSimmons 01/22/10

@Phintastic: Can someone explain it for the rest of us? I even tried Google :(

Step aside, Son 01/22/10

@IamScarletSimmons: He's referring to (former) Indonesian President Suharto.

/Read a book.

IamScarletSimmons 01/22/10

@Step aside, Son: I got that, but who's Tony Danza?

MarkKelsosMigraine 01/22/10

@IamScarletSimmons: Suharto was an Indonesian president who initiated and oversaw a genocide of his own people.

Stev D 01/22/10

@IamScarletSimmons: +1 Reply

Tommy Craggs 01/22/10

@MattinglysSideburns: This is excellent. Reply

thetaxman 01/22/10

@IamScarletSimmons: +1. Nicely done. Reply

Step aside, Son 01/22/10

@IamScarletSimmons: He was an actor who oversaw the genocide of Danny Pintauro's budding career. Reply

thewhizzonator 01/22/10

@MattinglysSideburns: +1.

Surprisingly, Alyssa Milano was not involved. Reply

Phintastic 01/22/10

@Step aside, Son:

+ 1 closet to later come out of Reply

hugesunglasses 01/22/10

@IamScarletSimmons: Great save. +1 Reply

Sheed's Bald Spot 01/22/10

@MarkKelsosMigraine: Is it possible to retire from the show if you're just a bat boy? Reply
The 2nd email:

I am with you 1 hundred per cent.............then maybe they can have 99 per cent black's.............sitting in the stand's watching them play...................NOT...............98 per cent black's are playing now............with 99 per cent...........stupid white people paying they're outrageous salary's........while they bitch and moan..........and all they want is a white wife............form the league..........I'll assure you, you'll draw a crowd...........I guarantee you I will be there.....................good luck...............steve in florida

The comments:

MarkKelsosMigraine 01/22/10

..while they bitch and moan..........and all they want is a white wife............form the league..........I'll assure you, you'll draw a crowd

This was written by the bastard son of Samuel Beckett and Phyllis Schlafly.

Weed Against Speed 01/22/10

@MarkKelsosMigraine: You should have seen the version he wrote like James Joyce:

"I am with you 1 hundred per cent yes then maybe they can have 99 per cent black's yes and how sitting in the stand's watching them play yes and NOT then he asked me would 98 per cent black's are playing now yes and stupid white people paying they're outrageous salary's yes and while they bitch and moan yes I said yes and all they want is a white wife. Yes." Reply

GuidedByVodka 01/22/10

@Weed Against Speed: I liked the Raymond Carver version as well.
"I am with you 1 hundred per cent. I smoked. Maybe 99 per cent black's in the stands, drinking coffee. Stupid white people. They smoked. All they want is a white wife. The car drove off."

Charisma 01/22/10

@GuidedByVodka: The Carver was a rip-off of Hemingway. And it was 75% Gordon Lish, anyway. Looking through my library, I come upon the Hemingway original:

""I am with you 1 hundred per cent. I smoked. Maybe 99 per cent black's in the stands, drinking coffee. Stupid white people. They smoked. All they want is a white wife. The car drove off. In the rain."

GuidedByVodka 01:06 AM

@Charisma: +1 J.D. Salinger

Comedy is Funny!

2010-01-20T01:18:00.001-05:00

Wassup Hepcats!
So we're big fans of the comedy here at AH. We do enjoy the laffs.
Sunday night I had the pleasure of viewing Aziz Ansari's new comedy/laffs special, "Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening". I watched the Secret Stash version that aired later on Comedy Central, so as not to miss any dick jokes that were integral to the plot.
I must tell you, hepcats, I haven't laughed that hard in quite a while. I as afraid I was gonna wake up Mrs. Hepster and the twinnies. Here's a clip (hint: click on the thing that says "video"):

It got me to thinking about other comedy specials I've enjoyed in recent years.
What follows is in no way definitive, just some talented individuals who brought the ha-ha's with a great degree of regularity.

In the order I thought of them:

MITCH HEDBERG

First caught him on a Comedy Central half hour special on at 10 in the morning during The Bad Time (i.e. 2003-4). I loved it, and it takes a lot to make me laugh at 10 in the morning. I know we tend to lionize the dead in this day and age, but this guy really was special. Comparisons to Steven Wright aren't too far off, but Hedberg was little more out there.

A FAVORITE JOKE/BIT: Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

MIKE BIRBIGLIA

Jokes.com

Mike Birbiglia - Celebrity Golf Tournament

comedians.comedycentral.com

Joke of the Day

Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games

Birbiglia is one of those comedians who "tells stories" instead of "making jokes". In spite of this, he's still really fucking funny. He's on "This American Life" a lot, which is good, because he makes up for the fact that they forgot that David Sedaris hasn't been funny in 10 years.

A FAVORITE JOKE/BIT: "I know, I'm in the future also" is hard to top. I've been trying to rip that off in regular conversation for years. I also love this: When I go to bed at night, it's like a different human being that enters my body for the night shift. I call my guy Sleepy Carl -- that's my guy. And he's a terrible employee, but he's a great dude. He's always slobbering on my pillow and muttering about Vietnam, but then he'll try to talk me out of waking up with his great plans. He'll be like, 'Why would you go out there when you could stay here and ride on a ferris wheel made of pizza?'

PATTON OSWALT

He's like a big movie star and stuff now, but for us comedy nerds Patton will always be the guy who turned us on to "Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People".

A FAVORITE JOKE/BIT: I'm not gonna print the whole thing here, it doesn't translate well to print. But it involves the phrase "I"m gonna fill your hoo-hah with goof juice", and is the best commentary on corporate television hypocrisy ever.
Oh, fine, here:

That's all for now, Hepcats, we'll have to do this again.

Aging Hepster: Song Detective!

2010-01-18T14:56:00.000-05:00

Wassup Hepcats,
Like most of you, I was going to sleep last night and I saw that "Watchmen" was about to start on HBO. "Watchmen" has somehow entered into the pantheon of movies that I can always put on, and kinda get sucked into. Or fall asleep to.
So I switch over, and it hasn't started yet, cuz "Big Love" is running late or maybe I was just early because goblins took my watch (according to one of the twinnies). Anyway, "Big Love" is on. Is ending. And this song is playing as Chloe Sevingny is crying, and then the credits, and hepcats, I fucking FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG. It sounded like Arcade Fire had a baby with MGMT or some other lame "had a baby with" mixture (which is really annoying, and I hate when people do it, because there are like 7 people in Arcade Fire and two in MGMT and WHO'S HAVING THE BABY?) (also hate when people describe something as "on acid". You've never done acid, just stop it).
Well.
I didn't know who it was, or anything about it, and the forums at AdTunes, where I would normally go to find something like this out, had nothing.
So I put on my Aging Hepster: Song Detective! hat! AND!
Found it!

Only took like twenty minutes and wearing the FUCK out of my DVR. So now we're all happy and I fell asleep during "Watchmen", but before Malin Ackerman got naked.

If you have a question for Aging Hepster: Song Detective!, email us at theaginghepster@gmail.com. There is no charge for this valuable service.

Gratitude

2010-01-17T01:22:00.001-05:00

Thank you, hepcats!

Y'all made yesterday our biggest day since AH started. I haven't checked Google Analytics yet, but I'm guessing only like 20 percent of you were looking for pix of naked ladies. And some of you even clicked on ads!* Awesome!

*Really, though, you can do that. It's allowed. You can still retain your indie cred, I ain't tellin nobody.

In response, I'll give you a sneak peek of the list I'm working on, which I keep telling you is GONNA BLOW YR MIND, even though it will probably generate 1/3 of the hits anything with "best of" gets. But I'm excited.

I'M KENAN THOMPSON, AND I JUST SHOUT AT YOU NO MATTER WHAT CHARACTER I'M SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING! WHOA!

Make of that what you will.

The Top 100 Albums of the Aughties: 25 - 1

2010-01-16T12:04:00.000-05:00

Wassup hepcats!

OK, kids, it's been real. And now, as promised, we gonna end this "Best of the Aughties" lunacy, so that we may get back to quantifying our enjoyment of things in different and entertaining ways. Also, with lists!

In the recent past: 50 - 26.

And now!

25. Give Up (2003)
The Postal Service
Best jam: "Nothing Better"

And yes, Owl City totally ripped them off, so can we stop talking about that? YOU'RE LETTING THE TERRORISTS WIN.

24. Satellite Rides (2001)
Old 97's
Best jam: "Buick City Complex"

Fun fact: I'm a good speller, hepcats, really good. Terrible typist, but good speller. But I couldn't spell "satellite" without spellcheck if I had an elephant gun pointed at my testes.

23. Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga (2007)
Spoon
Best jam: "You Got Yr Cherry Bomb"

Worst album title ever? Maybe. This album makes me think of the phrase "tasty licks" for some reason. I'm gonna have to start saying "tasty licks" more. Not in that way, sickos.

22. Welcome Interstate Managers (2003)
Fountains of Wayne
Best jam: "A Bright Future in Sales"

I was living in Austin when they were filming "Office Space", working room service at a hotel with a TGI Friday's. The rumor was they were going to film some scenes for this Jennifer Aniston movie in our restaurant. Well, they ended up using the OTHER Friday's, across town. Which means Jennifer Aniston never met me and fell madly in love, which, let's face it, sucks for her. I would have paid more attention to her than to Twitter, I can tell you that right now.
Which is to say this album reminds me of "Office Space".

21. More Adventurous (2004)
Rilo Kiley
Best jam: "Portions for Foxes"

I miss lyric sheets. I was reading the lyrics to this album the first time I listened to the CD (remember, guys?), and when I got to the end of "Does He Love You?" I almost spit out beer and had to go back to the beginning. I know you can find lyrics online and stuff now, but whatever. This was a change for the worse.

20. The Airing of Grievances (2009)
Titus Andronicus
Best jam: "Fear and Loathing in Mahwah, NJ"

"My Time Outside the Womb" is good, too.We need some noise, once in a while.

19. Vampire Weekend (2008)
Vampire Weekend
Best jam: "Walcott"

The lead singer of Vampire Weekend looks like a Disney cartoon. He's got Disney eyes. I think that's mostly the reason for the backlash against this band: Disney eyes.

18. Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (2002)
Flaming Lips
Best jam: "Fight Test"

My friend really hates the Scientologists, and somehow now he's gotten the Flaming Lips mixed up in that whole thing. I forget what the reason was, I was kinda drunk when we were talking about it, but I think it something to do with them being friends with Beck. See, what I forgot to say at the time is that the Lips and Beck are in a feud. They are feuding. So I declare The Flaming Lips innocent of any Scientology related crimes.

17. Is This It (2001)
The Strokes
Best jam: "Barely Legal"

This album came out when I was 25, living in an apartment just off Hollywood Blvd, single for the first time since I was a teenager. We'd walk to the corner to go to Goldfinger's, or cross the street to hit Boardner's, go to Beauty Bar or Star Shoes if we were feeling trendy. Sometimes just walk around and wander into a seedy strip club or two. It will always remind me of youthful debauchery. And cocaine.

16. The Crane Wife (2006)
The Decemberists
Best jam: "The Crane Wife 1 & 2"

I think I've mentioned this before, but concept albums are always disappointing. You read about it and it sounds cool, but when you listen to it, you would have no idea it was a concept album without that prior knowledge, and like three songs mention someone named "Icarus" or something lame like that. But this is a good one. Plus the cover cracks me up.

15. Neon Bible (2007)
The Arcade Fire
Best jam: "(Antichrist Television Blues)"

My friend gave this album a two word review: "Impossibly good". I always think of that when I listen to it. And then think about Win Butler stealing some guy's basketball. And it makes me sad. It's still really good, but the frontman's basketball stealing ways may have cost it a spot in the top ten. Justice!

14. Elephant (2003)
The White Stripes
Best jam: "The Hardest Button to Button"

People slag on Meg White's drumming. I'm gonna be honest here, hepcats, I consider myself a knowledgeable music fan, but I wouldn't know a good drummer if it bit me on the heinie. Which would be weird if that happened, right? Dave Grohl is supposedly good.

13. Fever To Tell (2003)
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Best jam: "Maps"

Yeah Yeah Yeahs is a really good name for a band. I used to keep a list of good band names, just in case. I feel like I had Yeah Yeah Yeahs on there at some point. Right after The Cool Monkey Heads, I think.

12. The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter (2007)
Josh Ritter
Best jam: "To the Dogs or Whoever"

This album here, I liked a fair amount when I bought it. I would listen to it every now and then, once a week or so. Normal for an album I like a fair amount, once a week or so for approximately six weeks. But this one I never...really..stopped. I realized like 4 months in that I had it pretty much memorized. That fucker snuck up on me!

11. Pneumonia (2001)
Whiskeytown
Best jam: "Mirror, Mirror"

I bought this CD (remember, guys?) from Amazon (those were the days, right, guys?) the same day I bought "Satellite Rides", which if you recall was number 24 on our list. Good day for Timmy, in terms of purchasing music!

10. Lifted, or, The Story Is In The Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground (2002)
Bright Eyes
Best jam: "Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love and to Be Loved)"

Now THIS one, I hated when I first listened to it. I thought it was pretentious, unlistenable. I think I was pretty broke or something and couldn't afford records at the time, though, so it kinda stuck in my Discman (retro!), and then I was listening to it while reading the lyrics, and then I was listening to it all the time, and that, my friends, is how you become Artist of the Decade. You make sure your fans are too broke to buy anyone else's records.

9. Feed the Animals (2008)
Girl Talk
Best jam: Not really applicable to this record here, I guess you could say The Whole Thing

Finally, an album that combines 2 of my passions, DJ culture and hard core hip-hop! Naw, you know that's jokes, hepcats, but all you have to know about this is that at one point Jay-Z is rapping over "Paranoid Android". It it sounds FUCKING SWEET.

8. Transatlanticism (2003)
Death Cab for Cutie
Best jam: "Tranatlanticism"

Or, Music to Recover From a Near Death Experience To. Probably the low point in my life (so far!), recuperating from getting hit by a fucking truck, winter settling in, back in New England. This made it a little easier.

7. Twin Cinema (2005)
The New Pornographers
Best jam: "Sing Me Spanish Techno"

I think to really enjoy this record fully, you need a summer day and a convertible. And good speakers, because if you're on the highway in a convertible, it can be hard to really hear anything. And your hair gets all messed up. Plus sometimes, even on a hot day, it can make you kinda chilly. Don't take your convertible on the highway, I guess is what I'm saying here.

6. Yankee Hotel Foxtrot (2002)
Wilco
Best jam: "Jesus, Etc."

Ha ha! Fuck you, Warner Music Group! Bet you never thought this album would make it into a Best of the Decade review in a format you hadn't heard of in 2001!

5. Middle Cyclone (2009)
Neko Case
Best jam: "People Got a Lotta Nerve"

Not really a concept album, but there is a definite theme. And that theme is: don't fuck with nature, Jack. Badass. "Red Tide" makes me kinda queasy, though. Sea life and stuff, gross, right? Barnacles make me throw up sort of.

4. Gold (2001)
Ryan Adams
Best jam: "Harder Now That It's Over"

I didn't have to look up what year this one came out. Those planes hit those buildings, and we were all looking for meaning in things, and the first single off the album had just been released and it was "New York, New York". And we music snobs, we don't like people finding out about our people, we don't want them to succeed, not really, but this time we were okay with it. And it never really happened, but I think most people liked the song. And Ryan Adams went back to being the guy we would see at 7-11 in the middle of the night, looking at pictures of himself in magazines. (I mean that affectionately, it was AWESOME seeing that. I totally would do the same thing if I were ever in Entertainment Weekly.)

3. Boys and Girls In America (2006)
The Hold Steady
Best jam: "Massive Nights"

Tinkly piano, tasty licks (yes!), and enough "whoa-oh-oh"s to choke a water buffalo, plus lyrics that combine smart and funny like nobody since Warren Zevon. This is good.

2. White Blood Cells (2001)
The White Stripes
Best jam: "Fell In Love With a Girl"

The runner up for Artist of the Decade, as well. Even though the drummer is (apparently) sub-par. I first heard the White Stripes on a mixtape (seriously, cassette - we're old!) from a girl I don't remember. The rest of the tape was okay, but I kept coming back the "Hotel Yorba". Which meant rewinding a whole bunch. We romanticize the past, hepcats, but the past sucked, mostly. Except for lyric sheets.

1. I'm Wide Awake It's Morning (2005)
Bright Eyes
Best jam: "Lua"

I almost feel instead of this nonsense I've been putting in these capsules, for this I should just include all the lyrics to this record, along with a note saying "And the music is gorgeous, too". But that would require a whole lot of copying and pasting. Formatting of some sort may be involved. So you can look them up if you want. But this is my favorite, from "Lua": "I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss/ So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it/ But me I'm not a gamble/ you can count on me to split/ the love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist."

The Top 100 Albums of the Aughties: 50-26

2010-01-15T02:27:00.001-05:00

Wassup again, hepcats!

OK, let's run through this, so we can get to the good stuff.

In the distant past: 75 - 51.

50. Two Suns (2009)

Bat for Lashes

Best jam: "Daniel"

49. Antics (2004)

Interpol

Best jam: "Evil"

48. Stay Positive (2008)

The Hold Steady

Best jam: "Slapped Actress"

47. Digital Ash in a Digital Urn (2005)

Bright Eyes

Best jam: "Take It Easy (Love Nothing)"

46. Plans (2005)

Death Cab for Cutie

Best jam: "I Will Follow You Into the Dark"

45. The Black Parade (2006)

My Chemical Romance

Best jam: "Welcome to the Black Parade"

44. Fold Your Hands, Child, You Walk Like A Peasant (2000)

Belle and Sebastian

Best jam: "I Fought in a War"

43. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix (2009)

Phoenix

Best jam: "Lisztomania"

42. Fleet Foxes (2008)

Fleet Foxes

Best jam: "White Winter Hymnal"

41. Re-Arrange Us (2008)

Mates of State

Best jam: "The Re-arranger"

40. Costello Music (2006)

The Fratellis

Best jam: "Chelsea Dagger"

39. The Rising (2002)

Bruce Springsteen

Best jam: "The Rising"

38. Franz Ferdinand (2004)

Franz Ferdinand

Best jam: "Take Me Out"

37. Separation Sunday (2005)

The Hold Steady

Best jam: "How a Resurrection Really Feels"

36. Heartbreaker (2000)

Ryan Adams

Best jam: "Come Pick Me Up"

35. Hot Fuss (2004)

The Killers

Best jam: "Mr. Brightside"

34. Illinois (2005)

Sufjan Stevens

Best jam: "John Wayne Gacy, Jr." (I almost feel this song is too disturbing to call a "jam", but we're too far along to change the nomenclature now. Really good song, though.)

33. The Greatest (2006)

Cat Power

Best jam: "The Greatest"

32. Volume One (2008)

She And Him

Best Jam: "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?"

31. Kid A (2000)

Radiohead

Best jam: "The National Anthem"

30. Fortress 'Round My Heart (2009)

Ida Maria

Best jam: "Oh My God"

29. New Wave (2007)

Against Me!

Best jam: "Thrash Unreal"

28. Rooney (2003)

Rooney

Best jam: "Sorry Sorry"

27. Oracular Spectacular (2008)

MGMT

Best jam: "Kids"

26. The Sunset Tree (2005)

The Mountain Goats

Best jam: "This Year"

We'll finish this up tomorrow, hepcats. And then we'll start the Good Stuff.

(unless I decide to do some Best of 2009 lists. Do you want me to do that? Cuz I totally would if you want me to. I'm that kind of eblogger.)

All Apologies

2010-01-15T01:18:00.000-05:00

Wassup rockers!

Terribly sorry about the long interruption.
What happened was....
Well, someone posted this video...

And that pretty much ruined it for me for December, and most of January.

We're gonna finish that last list there, and get started on some new shit soon. I've got a list in the works that will BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND. In all likelihood.

In the meantime, press play on that video again. Do it as much as you want, baby, it's free.

The Top 100 Albums of the Aughties: 75 - 51

2009-12-24T02:02:00.000-05:00

Wassup Hepcats, and a happy holiday to you, whatever the holiday is that you celebrate. May Santa be good to you, may Hannukah Harry bring you all that wanted, may you be triumphant in your Feats of Strength.
Here's 100 - 76.
And here's 75 -51.

75. Liz Phair (2003)
Liz Phair
Best Jam: "Extraordinary"

74. Electric Version (2003)
The New Pornographers
Best Jam: "All For Swinging You Around"

73. Turn On The Bright Lights (2002)
Interpol
Best Jam: "PDA"

72. Fox Confessor Brings the Flood (2006)
Neko Case
Best Jam: "Hold On, Hold On"

71. Show Your Bones (2006)
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Best Jam: "Phenomena"

70. Lungs (2009)
Florence + The Machine
Best Jam: "Girl With One Eye"

69. Get Behind Me Satan (2005)
The White Stripes
Best Jam: "The Denial Twist"

68. Sky Blue Sky (2007)
Wilco
Best Jam: "What Light"

67. Youth and Young Manhood (2003)
Kings of Leon
Best Jam: "Molly's Chambers"

66. Rated R (2000)
Queens of the Stone Age
Best Jam: "The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret"

65. Graduation (2007)
Kanye West
Best Jam: "Champion"

64. Hold On Now, Youngster... (2008)
Los Campesinos!
Best Jam: "You! Me! Dancing!"

63. Get Away From Me (2004)
Nellie McKay
Best Jam: "It's a Pose"

62. Rabbit Fur Coat (2006)
Jenny Lewis
Best Jam: "Rabbit Fur Coat"

61. Veni Vidi Vicious (2000)
The Hives
Best Jam: "Die, All Right!"

60. It's Blitz! (2009)
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Best Jam: "Hysteric"

59. Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not (2006)
Arctic Monkeys
Best Jam: "I Bet You Look Good On the Dancefloor"

58. The Airborne Toxic Event (2008)
The Airborne Toxic Event
Best Jam: "Sometime Around Midnight"

57. All Hands On The Bad One (2000)
Sleater-Kinney
Best Jam: "You're No Rock 'n' Roll Fun"

56. Funeral (2005)
Arcade Fire
Best Jam: "Wake Up"

55. Tallahassee (2002)
The Mountain Goats
Best Jam: "No Children"

54. Achilles' Heel (2004)
Pedro the Lion
Best Jam: "Arizona"

53. The Life Pursuit (2006)
Belle and Sebastian
Best Jam: "For the Price of a Cup of Tea"

52. The Heat (2004)
Jesse Malin
Best Jam: "Hotel Columbia"

51. The Midnight Organ Fight (2008)
Frightened Rabbit
Best Jam: "The Modern Leper"

Next post: actual analysis! Awesome for you! Win.

The Top 100 Albums of the Aughties: 100 - 76

2009-12-22T23:46:00.000-05:00

Wassup Hepcats!
Oh of course I was gonna do it this week. This is the big one, right? Well maybe not as big in the last decade as in decades past, decades past when people used to buy "albums", and not just cherry pick songs off of iTunes (or LimeWire - not that I do that, federales).
I'm not sure how I feel about this list. I would guess about 70 -80 of these albums I've never owned in any physical form, never pored over the liner notes, never stared at the cover art, never did lines off the jewel case. (Jokes, federales!). And I know it's annoying and old-fogeyish to bitch about weird shit like that, and I wouldn't trade what we have now for what we had then, but I do kinda miss the tangible aspect of the album, especially arguing with friends over things like sequencing. August of 1992 was in large part a discussion with my friend Brian about the best order of the songs on "Achtung Baby".
And in honor of that there is a U2 album AND a Bruce Springsteen album in here. But don't worry also like 4 White Stripes records.

BRUUUCE!

Which brings me to another caveat: there are certain bands here who may be what you call "over-represented". But I don't. If one of my favorite groups released 3 or 4 albums in the last ten years, and I really liked all of them, I'm not gonna leave them off so that I can pretend I enjoyed whatever it is that Sigur Ros thinks they're doing. That said, it was a factor in the tiebreaking process, and you can thank your lucky stars for that, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club.

So! 100 through 51 will be done in small little capsules, and we'll save the big guns for the top fitty. S'alright?

S'alright.

100. BRMC (2001)

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Best Jam: "Love Burns"

99. Merriweather Post Pavilion (2009)

Animal Collective

Best Jam: "My Girls"

98. Earthquake Glue (2003)

Guided by Voices

Best Jam: "The Best of Jill Hives"

97. The Believer (2006)

Rhett Miller

Best Jam: "Fireflies"

96. You Are the Quarry (2004)

Morrissey

Best Jam: "First of the Gang to Die"

95. Wilco (the Album) (2009)

Wilco

Best Jam: "You Never Know"

94. The Execution of All Things (2002)

Rilo Kiley

Best Jam: "Spectacular Views"

93. Rockin' The Suburbs (2001)

Ben Folds

Best Jam: "Gone"

92. Poses (2001)

Rufus Wainwright

Best Jam: "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk"

91. Scissor Sisters (2004)

Scissor Sisters

Best Jam: "Take Your Mama"

90. Silent Alarm (2005)

Bloc Party

Best Jam: "Like Eating Glass"

89. Picaresque (2005)

The Decemberists

Best Jam: "We Both Go Down Together"

88. All That You Can't Leave Behind (2000)

Best Jam: "Walk On"

87. Cassadaga (2007)

Bright Eyes

Best Jam: "If The Brakeman Turns My Way"

86. Gimme Fiction (2005)

Spoon

Best Jam: "Sister Jack"

85. Humanoid (2009)

Tokio Hotel

Best Jam: "World Behind My Wall"

84. Blood Money (2002)

Tom Waits

Best Jam: "God's Away On Business"

83. Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes (2004)

TV on the Radio

Best Jam: "Dreams"

82. Wolfmother (2005)

Wolfmother

Best Jam: "Joker and the Thief"

81. Narrow Stairs (2008)

Death Cab for Cutie

Best Jam: "Grapevine Fires"

80. Icky Thump (2007)

The White Stripes

Best Jam: "Icky Thump"

79. You Are Free (2003)

Cat Power

Best Jam: "Good Woman"

78. The Resistance (2009)

Muse

Best Jam: "United States of Eurasia/Collateral Damage"

77. Essence (2001)

Lucinda Williams

Best Jam: "I Envy The Wind"

76. For Emma, Forever Ago (2008)

Bon Iver

Best Jam: "Blindsided"

The Golden Age of Video

2009-12-22T13:42:00.001-05:00

OK, Hepcats, fair warning: if you watch this video, you're going to have "WE CAME, WE SAW WE KICKED ITS ASS!" in your head until New Year's.

Here are the complete lyrics, along with the movie/TV show it came from.

BBC Logos:
1, 2, 1 2 3 4.

Freaks:
We accept her, one of us. We accept her, one of us.
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
We accept her, we accept her.
We accept her, one of us. We accept her, one of us.
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
We accept her, we accept her.

Ghostbusters:
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

School of Rock:
I was testing you – and you passed.

The Simpsons:
Dental plan! Lisa needs braces.

South Park:
Be required to fart on a regular basis.

The Godfather:
I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.

Robocop:
Channel 13, eyewitness news!
Robocop, who is he?
Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.

Sesame Street:
In a hurry to be fed, beady eyes and big blue head.

Back to the Future:
I’m telling the truth Doc, you gotta believe me.

The Simpsons:
Why does everything I whip leave me?

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory:
My beautiful chocolate! Candy is dandy.

Silence of the Lambs:
Fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Seinfield:
You can count on Slippery Pete.

Back to the Future 2:
Suicide will be nice and neat!

A Night at the Museum:
I didn’t build the Panama Canal.

2001: A Space Odyssey:
Open the pod bay doors please, HAL.

Star Wars:
These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.

The Prisoner:
I am not a number. I am a free man!

Citizen Kane:
Rosebud.

Seinfeld:
To the Idiotmobile!

Knight Rider:
Right away Michael.

The Prisoner:
I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered!

Ghostbusters:
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

On the Waterfront:
You don’t understand, I could’a had class.

Sesame Street:
Round and tasty on a bun.

Rainbow:
Ooh Zippy, look what you’ve done.

Pirates of the Caribbean:
Finally, cast off those lines!

Airplane:
No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.

The Shining:
Red Rum!
What’s the matter honey?

The Dukes of Hazzard:
Just robbed Boss Hogg all of his money!

Ghostbusters:
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

Top Gun:
Writing checks your body can’t cash.

The Simpsons:
I was elected to lead, not read.

Top Gun:
I feel the need, the need for speed!

Mystery Science Theater 3000:
Watch out for snakes!

The Man Who Knew Too Little:
A good man’s loafer.

Mystery Science Theater 3000:
HQ, my hat looks like a muffin, over.

2010: The Year We Make Contact:
My God, it’s full of stars.

The Car:
There was no driver in the car.

Knight Rider:
Right away Michael.

The Dukes of Hazzard:
Well you see I’m in hot pursuit!

30 Rock:
There are only two things I love in this world, everybody and television.

The Simpsons:
The Simpsons!

Family Guy:
Ugh, you must be ’shrooming.

The Moomins:
Wait for me Moomin!

Shaun Micallef:
Cross live to meet the host of that show, Meat Boy.

30 Rock:
I want to go to there.

Ghostbusters:
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

Starsky and Hutch:
An oil tycoon, like a – moustache.

The Naked Gun:
Nice beaver!
I just had it stuffed.

Blow:
I don’t give a shit, close enough.

The Fast Show:
Where’s me washboard?
I’ll get me coat.

Jaws:
You’re gonna need a bigger boat.

Anchorman:
What’d she say?
I think she bought it,

30 Rock:
Suck it monkeys, I’m going corporate!

Cars:
C’mon let’s take a drive.
A drive?

Short Circuit:
Number 5 is alive!

It Couldn’t Happen Here:
It’s only a laugh, no harm done,

Sesame Street:
Pickles, french fries, yum yum yum.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off:
Bueller, Bueller, Bueller.

Good Morning, Vietnam:
It’s 2 degrees cooler.

Blade Runner:
The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

This is Spinal Tap:
Six words in the whole song.

[Freaks chorus]

The Prisoner:
You are number 6.

Short Circuit:
Five.

?:
Four, three, two.

The Prisoner:
I am not a number, I am a free man!

Ghostbusters:
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

The Big Lebowski:
Give me my 20,000 in cash.

Ghostbusters:
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

Back to the Future 3:
I think you woke up the dead with that blast!

Ghostbusters:
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

Pulp Fiction:
I think fast, I talk fast.

Ghostbusters:
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

Family Guy:
Lois, this is not my Batman glass.

Ghostbusters:
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

[Freaks chorus]

Blizzard

2009-12-20T03:49:00.000-05:00

Wassup Hepcats!
Every year, I pray. Not to a "god" or anything like that, more to like a unifying energy force that I don't really believe in but it doesn't require any effort on my part so Hey Why Not?
I pray that winter won't happen this year. It would be like a sad kids TV special from the '80s, "The Year Without a Winter", except everyone would be happy and rejoicing and drinking margaritas. Virgin margaritas for the kiddos. And it wouldn't be because of ~~global warming~~ climate change or anything, it would just be because nature forgot. And when nature remembered? Too late, nature! It's spring! Which it has been all along because you forgot! Silly goose.
Yeah, well.
Maybe next year.
*use your old hairspray cans though, just in case.

The Top 25 Movies of the Aughties: The Top Five

2009-12-18T22:44:00.002-05:00

Wassup Hepcats!

OK, we're finishing this up tonight. Here's the previous entry: 10-6.
Any arguments about my list? Post a comment below, or email me at theaginghepster@gmail.com. Include a photo so I know if I could beat you up or not.

5. A.I.: Artificial Intelligence (2001)

First Impression:
I saw this at the (then) Mann Chinese Theater with a few of my friends on opening night. I loved it. Loved the whole idea, loved the look, loved the ending. And expected that my friends felt the same. As we were walking back toward my apartment, I said something like, "Wow, guys, great movie, right?" And there were a few moments of silence before my friend Christine muttered, "Well, the teddy bear was funny."
My point, Hepcats, is that sometimes we must go our own way. We must swim against the tide. We must be bold, so that mighty forces may come to our aid. And fuck you, A.I. was a great fucking movie. Especially the robots (NOT ALIENS, ASSHOLES) at the end.

Best Line:
Professor Hobby: [after stabbing the mecha's hand in a demonstration] How did that make you feel? Angry? Shocked?
Secretary: I don't understand.
Professor Hobby: What did I do to your feelings?
Secretary: You did it to my hand.

"Holy Shit!" Moment:
When we see the robots (NOT ALIENS, ASSHOLES) flying over the arctic landscape. Life has never seemed more pointless while watching a movie.

Pretty Girls:
Not a whole lot of females in this motion picture. David's mom is cute, I guess.

Best Scene:
Well, not the one with Robin Williams, I can tell you that right now. Speilberg just can't help himself sometimes. My favorite scene, though, is the end. He waited all that time, just for one day with his "mother". And now what?

Rewatchability: If I happen to be suffering through an existentail crisis, 10. Otherwise, probably an 8. But it is rarely otherwise.

4. No Country For Old Men (2007)

First Impression:
You know Bill Simmons, The Sports Guy, right? Before I had a chance to catch this picture, he wrote something like "I loved everything up until they showed the pool". So I'm watching it, can't get over how awesome it is, but dreading the shot of the pool. What the hell could that mean? I assumed it was Tommy Lee Jones kicking back in a pool with a mojito. This was 2007, mojitos were huge. And that really would have been off-putting. So the ending happens. And I think it's some kinda alright. What the hell is Simmons's problem. Through later reading we discover Simmons is anti-English major. Since I was one, I dunno, is that why I loved it? We didn't need to see Josh Brolin get dead to understand what happened, right?
Anyway minus five points for Simmons on that.

Best Line:
Nervous Accountant: Are you going to shoot me?
Anton Chigurh: That depends. Do you see me?

"Holy Shit!" Moment:
When Anton Chigurh totally strangles the fuck out of that cop dude. Or really anything he does.

Pretty Girls:
A solid no on that count.

Best Scene:
Anton Chigurh in the gas station is probably the most famous scene, and deservedly so I guess. But I love the scene with Josh Brolin in the hotel room, with the lights off, watching the light under the door to see if anyone's stopping there. Classic fucking suspense.

Rewatchability:
Incomplete, but right now a 9.5. I've watched it twice now, and it was even better the second time.

3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

First Impression:
For the third time in my (then) short life, Kate Winslet had made me fall in love with her. And I say this to all the straight me and gay women out there: how do you watch this movie and NOT fall in love with Kate Winslet?

Best Line:
Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.

"Holy Shit!" Moment:
There's few, I just can't remember them.
SEE WHAT I DID RIGHT THERE?

Pretty Girls:
Well, duh. AH Girlfriend Emeritus Kate Winslet.

Best Scene:
In the bookstore, all the titles disappearing.

Rewatchability:
I'm going to be honest here. I've only seen this once. So it really shouldn't be up this high, right? But the feeling I had after I first saw this movie was so unique, so full of optimism and romance or some such baloney, that I went out and met my wife a week later. So that happened.

2. Kill Bill, Volumes 1 and 2 (2003/4)

First Impression:
That the first Kill Bill would end up being my Best Movie of the Aughties, hands down. (Yeah, I start thinking about this stuff early). Then I saw the second one, and I realized it would be an argument. And argument that another movie (and my awesome rule bending) later rendered moot. But still. I haven't caught Inglorious Basterds yet, and shame on me of course. But is there anyone who makes movies even half as entertaining as Tarantino? These two movies, when considered as a whole have EVERYTHING. Mmm, except boobies, I think. Again: but still.

Best Line:
Well, this is Tarantino. I could just pick a line at random. How about this:
The Bride: You and I have unfinished business.
Bill: Baby, you ain't kidding.

"Holy Shit!" Moment:
Vernita Green's daughter coming home during her fight with the Bride.

Pretty Girls:
I acknowledge Uma Thurman's beauty while confessing that she's never really done it for me. Tall, thin, pale and blonde. We're gonna go ahead and call that TTPB here from now on. Not my thing. Lucy Liu, though. Now we're cooking with gas.

Best Scene:
After you've watched all these amazing set pieces, The Sandwich Scene comes along and just fucks you in the head. How good is this scene? When David Carradine forgot to have a backup plan this summer, almost every obituary mentioned it.

Rewatchability:
10.5. Bonus half point for being able to just click over during a commercial if you're watching something else, and knowing you'll be seeing something cool.

1. What Happens In Vegas (2008)

First Impression:
Sometimes you see a movie that just speaks to the inner depths of your soul. You had all these feelings that you could never quite explain, until you saw a masterpiece of pure cinema that
Naw, I'm fucking with ya again. I've never even seen this movie. As far as you know.
Here:

1. The Dark Knight (2008)

First Impression:
I posted on my fantasy league message board (I RULE) "I have just watched my favorite movie since Pulp Fiction." And I then watched it another five or six times to make sure. And now it's on HBO every night, so I have to check in once in a while to make sure it's still awesome. It is.

Best Line:
Alfred Pennyworth: Because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

"Holy Shit!" Moment:
Aw man, that whole chase scene. Especially when the Batcycle or whatever does a flip against the building. Also when everyone shows up to save Harvey, instead of Rachel. Also every scene with the Joker.

Pretty Girls:
Well, this is the $65,000 question, isn't it, Hepcats? Is Maggie Gyllenhaal pretty? Some claim her as a crush. Some call say she has a face like a pig. Being supremely talented, I can see both sides. And I saw: I don't know. I really don't. Sometimes she looks hot.

Sometimes she looks awful.

Even in this one movie. So we'll go with "No one as pretty as Katie Holmes" for this, while remembering that Katie Holmes almost single-handedly ruined Batman Begins.

Best Scene:
A lot of people didn't like the scene with the two ferries. I thought it was brilliant.
But I'm gonna go with Every Scene With The Joker.

Rewatchability:
10. Damn straight.

So there's my Top 25 Movies of the Aughties, keeping in mind I haven't yet seen "Inglorious Basterds", "Up in the Air", "Avatar", "(500) Days of Summer", or "What Happens in Vegas" (or have I?)
Thanks, Hepcats, that's one more Best of the Aughties (Albums), but I might not get to that till after the new year. And maybe we'll do books. I dunno.

Gran Up Torino

2009-12-17T19:01:00.002-05:00

Mash ups are usually awful, but this one made me laugh.

Pixar's: Gran Up Torino - watch more funny videos

Facebook Games

2009-12-17T15:59:00.000-05:00

Wassup Hepcats.
I can't write for long today (and we'll contiune soon with the endless lists that make up this part of the year) because I have to go upgrade my Research Lab to Level Two, and Raid an Ore Mine.
Yes, Hepcats, I have been sucked in again by the scourge of our online existence: The Facebook Game.
They're all basically the same: you click on a button to begin a process, wait a designated amount of time for the process to complete, and are then rewarded with something that you can use to begin more processes. As you become a more experienced clicker, the designated time for the process to complete takes longer, but your reward is greater.
I know. I can hear you. "That isn't a game," you say. "A game involves a skill of some sort, or the option of a negative outcome. That is just, why, that's just a carrot and a stick!"

You are absolutely right. So why is this bullshit so addicitive? Why did I once wake up at four in the morning to collect my take from a massage parlor in "Mafia Wars"?

Because if you don't, the game takes your shit from you, that's why. Wait too long, and all your clicking has gone to waste. Your FarmVille corn, that you spent 20 minutes lining up in perfect rows, will have wilted. Some phantom "rival" mobster will have busted up your illegal sportsbook (and probably made off with your hoes.)

That's just one part of the mad genius of these games. The other (not counting the shady crap they want you to click on the get more loot, the free trials and surveys and what not) is that some games make you recruit friends. One perk of actually signing up is that those random updates in your news feed make sense all of sudden. The one I'm playing now, "StarFleet Commander", has certain tasks you can't even do unless you sign up new players. (So if you're Facebook friends with me, send me a note so I can sign you up.)

So basically the goal of these games is to keep playing them, and to invite others to do the same. It's a Mobius strip of 21st century marketing. The machines are self aware. The end is nigh.

The Top 25 Movies of the Aughties: 10 - 6

2009-12-16T00:51:00.001-05:00

Wassup Hepcats!
So I've been checking the Google Analytics on this here site (fellow bloggers: you MUST get this. It's free, and you can easily waste three hours with masturbatory stat checking), and was pleased to see we've had visits from 9 countries in the last 2 days. Including two different ones from Greece. So allow me to say, yasas, Greeks!
Previously, 15 -11.
And currently:

10. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

First Impression: Eh. I'm pretty sure I was drunk, and I put it on at like 3 in the morning. I was talking to my buddy Thomas Jay about it later, and was convinced to give it another shot. I'm pretty sure no one who sat near my cube at the time would ever forgive him.

Best Line: Well, of anything on this list (including this movie's inclusion on this list), this may inspire the most argument. I don't know why, but what always cracked me up the most was
Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.
Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.
Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.
Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.
Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.
Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.

Although you can't go wrong with
Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.

Anyway. Begin arguing with my choices. And oh shit wait till you see what made Number 5 on this list of the Top 25 Movies of the Aughties. I bet you hated it.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: The fight with Wes Mantooth and his whole crew. "Did you throw a trident?"

Pretty Girls: Christina Applegate is fine here. But, and I think I speak for all males born between 1974 and 1978 here, what would your junior high self have done just to see one of Kelly Bundy's boobies? Kill a family member? Shoot the President? And now they're all gone. Like sands through the hourglass.

Best Scene: The introductions to all the Channel 4 Newsteam.
"I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded. "

Rewatchability: You tell me. I just did all those quotes from memory. (I totally didn't. But it's a 10.)

9. Le fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulain (2001)

First Impression: Naw, I just call it "Amelie" too, I was just giving a shout out to our Cahiers du Cinema bruthas. My first impression was that someone (Jean-Pierre Jeunet, that crazy bastard) had made a chick flick that male hipsters could love. And did love. I see a movie like "Chocolat", and I see the emotions it was trying to evoke, and then "Amelie" took "Chocolat" by the back of its fat sweaty Weinstein brothers neck and made "Chocolat" go down on it. "This is how you move people, bitch!"

Best Line:
Narrator: Amelie has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment. A soft light, a scent in the air, the quiet murmur of the city. A surge of love, an urge to help mankind overcomes her.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: When Amelie dissolves into water. It's pretty damn cool.

Pretty Girls: Audrey Tatou has NEVER been written about in a sentence that didn't either mention Audrey Hepburn or use the word "gamine". Until now: Audrey Tatou is gorgeous, way prettier than Audrey Hepburn and I didn't know what "gamine" meant until I looked it up. Shit, oops.

Best Scene: Not really a scene per se, but the whole thing with her dad and the garden gnome was tres charming. (Tres is French for "wicked".)

Rewatchability: 9. One of those movies where you forget how entertaining it is until it's on.

8. Juno (2007)

First Impression: After the scene with Dwight Schrute, I was ready to walk out. If I wasn't on a date with Mrs. Hepster, I might have. The first five minutes were everything I was afraid this movie was going to be. And then by the end, I was choking back sobs. But I could still kick your ass!

Best Line: There IS a lot of cutesy dialogue, and a lot of it is actually funny, but this exchange always makes me laugh:
Mac MacGuff: No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno MacGuff: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac MacGuff: Paulie Bleeker?
Juno MacGuff: What?
Mac MacGuff: I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah: I know, right?

"Holy Shit!" Moment: Ah, when we finally see the note, and it's framed in the baby's room. Choking back SOBS I tell ya. And I could still kick your ass.

Pretty Girls: Jennifer Garner is pretty easy on the eyes.

Best Scene: When Juno and her dad meet Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman. Especially since it sets us up so well that Bateman is the cool guy and Garner is an uptight bitch. Well done, Diablo Cody, even if your name is Diablo Cody.

Rewatchability: 9. I had to stop watching it last month. It was on all the time. Would be a ten but certain lines ("Honest to blog") get more annoying with each view.

7. There Will Be Blood (2007)

First Impression: I know I made fun of people who use the term "pure cinema" in an earlier post. Seriously, though, this is pure fucking cinema. If I never had a vasectomy I would impregnate Paul Thomas Anderson just to have offspring half as talented as he is. And I had never given Daniel Day Lewis any thought, other than he was a little overcooked in "Gangs of New York". Daniel Day Lewis is my fucking boy now, after this piece of cinema, which is pure.

Best Line: Everybody now!
Plainview: They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantelpiece. Where were you when Paul was suckling at your mother's teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli- one of Bandy's sows? That land has been had. Nothing you can do about it. It's gone. It's had. You lose.
Eli Sunday: If you would just take this lease, Daniel...
Plainview: Drainage! Drainage, Eli, you boy. Drained dry. I'm so sorry. Here, if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw. There it is, that's a straw, you see? You watching?. And my straw reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to drink your milkshake... I... drink... your... milkshake!
[sucking sound]
Plainview: I drink it up!

"Holy Shit!" Moment: Not to give away what I haven't already, but it involves a priest and a bowling alley.

Pretty Girls: Hold on, let me check IMDb. OK, I'm back. That would be no. This is PURE CINEMA, after all. No room for playing grabass.

Best Scene: Daniel Day Lewis at the beach with his "brother". Just looking at him, as he bobs in the waves. Just looking.

Rewatchability: Incomplete. And the only reason this is out of the top 5. This pure cinema needs to start playing on HBO or Cinemax soon, or I'm gonna have to do something like buy a DVD. And we don't want that, Hepcats.

6. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

First Impression: I honestly don't remember, as I'd been jacked for this movie the moment it came down the wire that Wes Anderson's next movie was going to be about a family of geniuses. I think I almost passed out when I heard that. I do remember watching it at my little brother's apartment one night a few years ago, proud that he had such good taste in movies. He had the Criterion collection edition and everything.

Best Line:
Richie: Did you say you were on Mescaline?
Eli: I did indeed. Very much so.

Note: This is why I still, to this day, think "I did indeed" is a funny phrase, and try to fit it in where I can. Ask Mrs. Hepster. She can confirm.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: Eli crashing into the house. "Here I come!"

Pretty Girls: I'm not the biggest Gywneth Paltrow fan in the world, but sometimes she looks good. She looked really good in "Iron Man". She looks good here. Enough to be approved for our purposes.

Best Scene: The montage of Royal with his grandsons on the town is poignant and funny. Just like almost every other scene in this movie.

Rewatchablity: 10. Almost a 10.5 now that you can try to figure out which cast member Luke Wilson ate before he started doing those AT&T commercials. I bet it was Seymour Cassel.

The Top 25 Movies of the Aughties: 15-10

2009-12-14T19:10:00.000-05:00

Wassup Hepcats!
Ado? None.
Before: 20 - 16
And now:

15. Up (2009)

First Impression: My first impression was that I was watching a movie sitting in between two talkative little girls. Yes, Hepcats, this was the first movie I took the twinnies to. They really liked it. I liked it better.

Best Line:
Dug: Hey, I know a joke! A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead." Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead.

"Holy Cow!" Moment: Seeing that house and all those balloons take off on the big screen was pretty darn cool, I admit.

Pretty Girls: Yeah, no.

Best Scene: The opening. I'd avoided any reviews before I took them to see it, so I was pretty unprepared for it. Sniffles may have been involved. Twice.

Rewatchability: Incomplete. Prospects are good, though.

14. Adaptation (2002)

First Impression: That I somehow liked it better than Being John Malkovich, which I'd thought to be impossible. Nicolas Cage, who I normally hate, was awesome. And I loved the ending. Now, normally I can't stand when someone's argument is, "The reason you didn't like it is because you didn't understand it". It's lazy, it's rude, and it's almost always wrong. Trust me, I've been on the other side of it a couple of times. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND ALL THE INS AND OUTS OF DONNIE DARKO. I ALSO UNDERSTAND THAT IT SUCKED.
That said, most of the people who didn't like the ending to this movie didn't understand it.

Best Line:
Donald Kaufman: Anyway, listen, I meant to ask you, I need a cool way to kill people. Don't worry, for my script.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: Pretty much the entire last half hour, as you realize what's happened.

Pretty Girls: Well, Tilda Swinton pretty much blows the rest of the world away in terms of .... aw, see I was fucking with ya. Um. I think the waitress was kinda cute, but I can't remember.

Best Scene: Any scene with Chris Cooper in it.

Rewatchability: 9. Beyond all the metaphysics and questions of reality, this movie is just really funny.

13. Almost Famous (2000)

First Impression: That I loved this movie like a little brother. There were scenes in this movie that I knew from the first that I'd remember a long time, and I was right.

Best Line:
Elaine Miller: Adolescence is a marketing tool.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: When the plane is going down, and everyone starts confessing their deepest secrets.

Pretty Girls: Hmm. Kate Hudson, AH Girlfriend Zooey Deschanel AND AH Girlfriend Anna Paquin? Well played, Mr. Crowe. Well played indeed.

Best Scene: William Miller on the phone with Lester Bangs.
"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool."

Rewatchability: A solid 10.

12. Memento (2000)

Rewatchability: 8.5. Surprisingly high, considering it goes backwards.

Best Scene: When Carrie-Anne Moss starts beating the shit out of herself.

Pretty Girls: Not movie star pretty, but Carie-Anne Moss or Jorja Fox would both probably be one of the hotter women in your office. For our purposes here, though, no.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: I think this entire movie is an "oh shit!" moment. Or, at least the beginning of every scene is.

Best Line:
Leonard Shelby: My wife deserves revenge, whether I know about it or not

First Impression: About fifteen minutes in, I thought I was going to get a headache. But I kept my head down, pushed through that shit, and watched as the best mystery movie of the decade unspooled before me.

11. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

First Impression: That I was ten years old again. I know it was popular at the time to say things like "The fight scenes are more like ballets than fights!", but that obscures the fact that THESE FIGHTS ARE AWESOME. We've become inured to it now, but in 2000 watching people run up walls and fly through the air was still new (to Americans, anyway) and no one had done it this well. I'm still not sure anyone has.

Best Line:
Jen Yu: [while slicing through customers at a local restaurant] You want to know who I am? I am... I am the Invincible Sword Goddess, armed with the Green Destiny that knows no equal! Be you Li or Southern Crane, bow your head and ask for mercy! I am the dragon from the desert! Who comes from nowhere and leaves no trace! Today I fly over Eu-Mei. Tomorrow... I topple Mount Wudan!
(I bet that sounds better in Mandarin.)

"Holy Shit!" Moment: The first time we see the thief run up the wall of a building onto a roof.

Pretty Girls: Ziyi Zhang is quite fetching indeed. I guess some of you like Michelle Yeoh. To each his own.

Best Scene: I think the massacre in the restaurant. I don't know. Anything that involved swords and fighting. And ballet.

Rewatchability: 8. The action still holds up, but the other stuff can be a drag if you aren't in the right mood. But, again: the action is awesome.

So here we are Hepcats, at the threshold of another Top Ten. I'll probably keep doing them five at a time, though, because I know your time is precious. Tomorrow!

The Top 25 Movies of the Aughties: 20-16

2009-12-13T21:20:00.001-05:00

Wassup, Hepcats!
So a change in schedule - we're gonna bust these out five at a time for the next few days instead of in one lump sum. Or two lump sums. Can you have two lump sums?
25-19 is here.
And 20-16 is here:

20. Minority Report (2002):

First Impression: Like with any Tom Cruise movie, I had to will myself to forget he was in it. And this was before he started jumping on black ladies' couches. More than any other actor of our time, he is incapable of disappearing into a role. Even in Magnolia, you're watching him, thinking, "Wow, Tom Cruise is really good here." Or in Tropic Thunder, with a big old fat suit, you think, "Wow, Tom Cruise with a big old fat suit is being really funny!" Anyway, here, you think, "Hey, this Tom Cruise movie is really good!" Also, I remember being kinda bummed that his character wasn't named John Minority. I may have placed a wager with someone on that.

Best Line:
Director Burgess: You don't have to run, John.
John Anderton: You don't have to chase me.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: A lot of good effects shots here. I liked the robot bugs best though.

Pretty Girls: Not so much. Samantha Morton can be kinda pretty sometimes, but here she is made up like a fish embryo or something.

Best Scene: When the guy comes home to find his wife cheating, and the helicopter things arrive.

Rewatchability: 9.5. This is on a lot, so I've had ample opportunity to test this number. Futuristic movies usually have a high degree of rewatchability for me, for some reason.

19. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2003)

First Impression: I had no interest in seeing this. I put it in my Netflix queue for reason I cannot quite articulate, and it got sent out before I could bump something else up ahead of it. Luckily for me, I watched it at almost the precise moment where I had that stage that guys hit as they get older, where history starts to become interesting. I loved the naval battles, the cat and mouse movements of the ships, and the little, endearing touches to the characters. I borrowed the first book in this series from the library, and was enjoying it, but it was during one of those phases where it takes forever to get through a book. Plus I had to keep Googling the different nautical terms in it, so I had to bring it back when I was about halfway through. I'll try it again someday, especially now that I know what a "fo's'cle" is.

Best Line:
Able Seaman: Is them 'is brains, doctor?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: No, that's just dried blood. THOSE are his brains.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: All of the battles are impressive, but the amputation scene probably comes closest to our definition here.

Pretty Girls: I'm pretty sure there aren't ANY girls in this movie.

Best Scene: The chase with the "Phantom" ship.

Rewatchability: 8. The length makes it intimidating to put on, but I've watched watched it three times and haven't been let down yet.

18. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-3)

First Impression: OK, maybe I'm cheating by combining them (not the last time I'm gonna do this by the way. -ed), but my list, my rules. I get them all mixed up in head at this point. (See Rewatchability below). The first one was much better than I'd expected, the second just damn awesome, and the third one had its moments but really was too fucking long.

Best Line:
Gandalf: [to Pippin] Fool of a Took. Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity.
(I just love "fool of a Took!" The way it sounds makes me laugh. Oh, and Worst Line: "Nobody tosses a dwarf!")

"Holy Shit!" Moment: There are a lot dispersed throughout these ten hours. The first appearance of the Ringwraiths was hard to top, though.

Pretty Girls: Nothing to get too excited about. Liv Tyler has her moments. Not a Cate Blanchett fan. And I'm not making the Orlando Bloom joke you're waiting for.

Best Scene: Gollum/Smeagol arguing with himself in The Two Towers.

Rewatchability: 6. The only reason this is so low. I might turn it to catch a particular scene or two, but I haven't once said to myself, "I wanna watch one of the Lord of the Rings movies again." Alas.

17. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006):

First Impression: Urine. In my pants.

Best Line:
Azamat: [points to two cockroaches] The Jews have shifted their shapes!

"Holy Shit!" Moment: I mean, could it be anything other than the naked wrestling?

Pretty Girls: Pamela Anderson, about fifteen years before this movie was made. Otherwise, no.

Best Scene: The dinner party. "Why you call police, the retard escape?"

Rewatchability: 10. I'd be watching it right now if not for this stupid fucking blog. (Naw, just kidding. Love you guys. Y'all are the best. Support our sponsors.)

16. Ghost World (2001)

First Impression: This had looked like something that was right up my alley, and it was. If Steve Buscemi is in a movie (and Adam Sandler is not), it's almost definitely gonna hold my attention.

Best Line:
Enid: We need to find a place where you can go to meet women who share your interests.
Seymour: Maybe I don't want to meet someone who shares my interests. I hate my interests.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: There really isn't one. This being an art-house movie and all. Art-house movies generally frown upon "oh shit!" moments, unless they're directed by Todd Solondz.

Pretty Girls: Some find Scarlett Johansson attractive. And by "some", I mean those with Y chromosomes.

Best Scene: Seymour at the "blues" club. Man, if I had a nickel for every one of those faux "blues" bands I used to go see in Austin. Not that they aren't enjoyable, I just felt like being uppity for a bit.

Rewatchability: 7, which is kinda low for a movie up this high, I know. But it's just cool knowing this movie is out there.

The Top 25 Movies of the Aughties: 25 - 21

2009-12-12T06:35:00.000-05:00

Wassup Hepcats!Thanks for joining us again for a little bit of quantification of enjoyment. What we're doing here is the Top 25 movies of the last decade, which, we've all agreed, is the Aughties.
Here are the films that didn't quite make it.
I think number twenty-five would be a nice one with which to begin.

25. Sideways (2004).

First Impression: I first saw this one on video, but this was a movie that almost guaranteed me liking it. Based on a small novel, starring Paul Giamatti, directed by Alexander Payne. Indeed, I liked it so much, I've never even thought of reading the book it was based on. That's usually a bad sign, but here, it is high praise.

Best Line: (The "fucking Merlot" one is most famous, but I liked this exchange)
Maya: So is it kind of about death and mortality, or...?
Miles Raymond: Mrnmm, yeah... but not really. It shifts around a lot. Like you also start to see everything from the point of view of the father. And some other stuff happens, some parallel narrative, and then it evolves - or devolves - into a kind of a Robbe-Grillet mystery - with no real resolution.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: The waitress having sex with her husband.

Pretty Girls: Virginia Madsen did age nicely (see what I did there?). But stop it all you critics trying to tell us Sandra Oh is attractive. She just isn't. Charming, maybe, but not at all hot. This also applies to Vera Farmiga. I don't know why movie critics keep trying to sell these women to us, but I'm going to see "Up In the Air" anyway. And Vera Farmiga will still be kinda ugly.

Best Scene: Miles getting drunk at the wine tasting, and eventually doing the drunk dial. We all want to reach out into the screen and physically stop him. Cringeworthyness on a David Brent scale.

Rewatchability: 8. You can tell the actors are all having fun, and goddamn I could watch Paul Giamatti read the phone book. Which would be better than "John Adams".

24. Best in Show (2000)

First Impression: Not as funny as "Waiting for Guffman". Second impression: Nothing is as funny as "Waiting for Guffman". This is really fucking close, though.

Best Line: Buck Laughlin: Look at Scott! He is prancing along with the dog! Man, I tell you something, if you live in my neighborhood and you're dressed like that, you'd better be a hotel doorman.

"Holy Shit!' Moment: Not really applicable here, though I guess the result of the show could count.

Pretty Girls: Parker Posey is some kinda alright, always. And Catherine O'Hara would be a cougar if that weren't such a dumbass doucheface term.

Best Scene: The Swans torture a pet shop clerk looking for a dog toy.
Meg Swan: I didn't ask for your opinion. I asked for a toy that you don't have!

Rewatchability: 10. As with any Christopher Guest movie. Every single sentence in his movies is funny, after you watch them enough.

23. American Splendor (2003).

First Impression: Somehow, this movie was not overrated. And I've never been more sure of a Best Actor statuette. Or more wrong.

Best Line: Harvey Pekar: You might as well know right off the bat, I had a vasectomy.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: This isn't that kind of movie.

Pretty Girls: Hope Davis is an attractive woman, but here? Um, no.

Best Scene: Harvey's friend talking him into seeing "Revenge of the Nerds".

Harvey Pekar: What movie could be worth driving 260 miles round trip for?
Toby Radloff: It's a new film called "Revenge of the Nerds". It's about a group of nerd college students who are being picked on all the time by the jocks. So they decide to take revenge.
Harvey Pekar: So what you're saying is, you identify with those nerds.
Toby Radloff: Yes. I consider myself a nerd. And this movie has uplifted me. There's this one scene, where a nerd grabs the microphone during a pep rally and announces that he is a nerd and that he is proud of it and stands up for the rights of other nerds.
Harvey Pekar: Right on.
Toby Radloff: Then he asks all the kids at the pep rally who think they are nerds to come forward, so nearly everybody in the place does. That's the way the movie ends.
Harvey Pekar: Uhhmmm, so the nerds won, huh?
Toby Radloff: Yes.
Harvey Pekar: All right. Wow, well you know, you got this movie and I'm getting hitched. We both had a good month, huh?
Toby Radloff: Right.

Rewatchability: 8. I think. Still haven't seen this on TV since it came out. Boo, TV!

22. A History Of Violence (2005)

First Impression: This was marketed as an arthouse movie. Which, in a way, I guess it was. Was the title telling us that this was a metaphor for man's inhumanity to man,or that this man (Viggo Mortensen) had a history of violence? It doesn't matter. Because this isn't an arthouse movie. This is a badass movie. And Viggo is a badass.

Best Line:

Jack Stall: What am I supposed to call you now? Tom? Joey?

Tom Stall: You're supposed to call me Dad. That's what I am, your Dad.
"Holy Shit!" Moment: The sex/rape scene on the staircase.

Pretty Girl: Maria Bello. This movie was relased in the apex of her "Maria Bello gets all kind of naked" phase.

Best Scene: Every scene with William Hurt is fantastic, but the best scene is when Viggo has to drop his "nice guy" facade, and totally fucking breaks that guy's arm. And kills motherfuckers. In front of his son. And now we have a badass movie.

Rewatchability: 8. This isn't a movie that you can pick up halfway through, but if you're lucky enough to catch it from the get-go, you're good.

21. The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)

First Impression: You mean, besides the poster? In case you forgot.

BEST POSTER EVER

Best Line:

Andy Stitzer: [Watching Beth masturbate in the tub] Wow. This is graphic.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: Andy's morning wood.

Pretty Girls: Goodness, a cornucopia of pretty girls. Elizabeth Banks, Leslie Mann, Kat Dennings, and AH favorite Carla Gallo.

Best Scene: "Kelly Clarkson!"

Rewatchability: 10. As with most good comedies, eventually every line of dialogue become quotable.

The Top 25 Movies of the Aughties: Also Rans

2009-12-12T00:21:00.000-05:00

Wassup Hepcats!
OK, now we've all caught our breath from the thrilling countdown of the Top 100 songs of the last decade - and I'm not gonna lie, that drained my chi like a muthafucka - we're gonna switch gears a bit and count down the top 25 movies of that same last decade. Note I wrote "movies" and not "films", because if you call them films you're a pretentious assdouche who probably keeps issues of Cahiers du Cinema on your coffee table even though you don't read them. (If you do read them, then you're a triple assdouche who uses phrases like "pure cinema". Go away. But click on an ad or two first.)
No, just kidding, "film" is okay. I just like to make fun of film school grads, cuz I didn't get accepted.

So! First.
The ones that didn't make it. These were movies I genuinely liked, and before I started ranking this thing I thought they were possibles for the final 25, but they didn't make the short list. In no order of any particulance:

Spider-Man 2
Audition
Jackass
The Incredibles
Pan's Labyrinth
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

The Squid and the Whale
The Savages
Gone Baby Gone
Y Tu Mama Tambien
Observe and Report
Brokeback Mountain
Moulin Rouge! (note: movies with ! in the title automatically excluded from shortlist)
Superbad! (yes, even if it's ironic)
The Prestige
American Psycho
Zodiac
Talk to Her
Grizzly Man
Capturing the Friedmans
My Kid Could Paint That
Lost in Translation
Gladiator
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Frost/Nixon
Slumdog Millionaire
Mystic River
House of Sand and Fog
Finding Nemo
Requiem for a Dream
Traffic
Sin City
Sexy Beast

Little Miss Sunshine
A Beautiful Mind
X-Men 2
The Departed
Hotel Rwanda
The Bourne Ultimatum
In the Bedroom
Funny People
King Kong
Knocked Up
Ocean's 11
Erin Brockovich
Catch Me if You Can
Big Fish
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Charlie Wilson's War
Pineapple Express
Tropic Thunder
Spirited Away
O Brother Where Art Thou?
Seabiscuit
You Can Count on Me
About Schmidt
Michael Clayton
About a Boy
In America
Bridget Jones's Diary
A Mighty Wind

Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist
Vanilla Sky
Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
King of Kong
Capote
Little Children
In Good Company

So, suck it, those movies.
And here are the ones that made the shortlist, but were cut after careful deliberation.

THE SEMI-FINALISTS

Cast Away - A perfect movie for commercial breaks. You've seen it a few times, and it's always on TBS or TNT, so when you're watching a game or something, you can just switch over for a few minutes. And sometimes it just gets stuck on that channel.

High Fidelity - The movie that begat Jack Black, for better or worse. Only movie to give me inside jokes with 2 different people: "Belle and Sebastian...." with Crow, and "A Caaahhh-sby sweat-ah!" with Mrs. Hepster.

Charlie's Angels - Damn right. I'm pissed this didn't make the Top 25. I was looking forward to the arguments. This here is pure cinema.

Children of Men - This was actually a last minute removal from the Top 25, because it's been on cable all month, and I've only put it on a couple of times. Not great on rewatchability, but amazing the first time I saw it.

District 9 - I have to see it again. Maybe it belongs up there.

Punch Drunk Love - Another tough cut. This one ranks high on rewatchability for me.

Wall-E - I just couldn't have two animated movies in the Top 25. This got cut because it didn't give up the sniffles.

City of God - I just couldn't remember enough about it to put it in the Top 25. All I remember is sitting on my bed, watching the DVD and continually exclaiming, "This movie is awesome!" Intoxicants may have been involved.

So - next is 25-11, and then 10-1 (aka the Top Ten). Hoping to have both of them up this weekend, but maybe only one. So you know what you'll be getting, we're gonna break this down by:

First impression
Best line
"Holy Shit!" moments
Pretty girls
Best scene
Rewatchability

See you soon, my comrades in cinema.

Jersey Shore Tonight!

2009-12-10T16:59:00.000-05:00

Wassup Hepcats-
Just a reminder that the 60 minutes of awesome that is "Jersey Shore" is on again tonight.

Will Snooki be in a scene where puking is involved (Almost definitely!)

Will that really big guy "pound out" one of this housemates? (It is almost assured!)

Will my TV contract genital warts? (The outlook is positive!)

Pauly D, keep on representin' the Biggest Little!

I am giddy with excitement!

The Worst Movie of the Decade

2009-12-09T03:22:00.000-05:00

Wassup Hepcats.
So you know we're doing this whole decade retrospective thing, we just finished counting down the best 100 songs of the aughties. That was cool, right? And we've got some more countdowns on the way. In fact, tomorrow (maybe) we're gonna start the top 25 Movies of the Aughties.
But, as Julie Chen would say, but first....

THE WORST MOVIE OF THE DECADE

Okay, I'm sure there were worse movies. Most of them had the word "movie" in the title. And some others were directed by Michael Bay. But no one expected those to be anything more than awful. And this wasn't something that the first person outside of Hollywood saw a clip of and knew it would immediately be terrible. That was "Tiptoes".

And "Bringing Down the House" also wasn't the most disappointing terrible movie of the decade, either. That was "Spanglish".

But "Bringing Down the House" was the first movie I'd ever seen that starred recognizable actors (including two great comic actors, Steve Martin and Eugene Levy) where I wondered if any of them had ever had a conversation with another human being. This movie felt like someone told aliens about black people and white people, and then made them write a movie about it.
I only watched this once, and it was six years ago, but don't you think a middle aged white guy said something like "Oh snap!" at some point? That almost definitely happened.
Quotes (from IMDB):

Howie Rottman: I'd like to dip you in Cheez Wiz and spread you all over a Ritz cracker, if I'm not being too subtle.
Charlene Morton: Boy, you some kinda freaky!
Howie Rottman: Oh, you have no idea. You got me straight trippin', boo!

Peter Sanderson: I message for you. Howie says, 'The cool points out the window and you got him all twisted up in the game.'
Charlene Morton: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Charlene Morton: I kicked it off the heezy and bounced... fo' real, tho!
Peter Sanderson: What did you just say?

Ashley: Compliments of Tae-Bo: 2 hours a day 5 days a week.
Charlene Morton: Compliments of the hood: 24 hours a day all my life!

Well, I could just do that all day. Let's see what the Real People on IMDB had to say,
Comedy of the year!, 23 December 2005

Author: nbickerstaff from United Kingdom

This movie was amazing, Steve Martin and Queen Latifah are a great team they made the whole movie so much fun. When Peter Sanderson (Martin) expects a date with a classy lawyer at his home, instead a large loud woman just out of prison Charlene (Latifah), appears on his doorstep and comes into his home and his life with a bang! At the end of this hilarious movie after a whole lot of havoc Charlene and Peter actually build up a good relationship despite their differences. All of the cast were brilliantly picked including Peters hilarious assistant (Eugene Levy) Mrs Arness (Joan Plowright) and The Sanderson kids, they all contributed to making this film the movie of 2003!

Yeah, well, fuck you nbickerstaff from United Kingdom. This movie clogged up my Netflix for like three months before I finally let it come through, and (obviously) I'm still mad about it. Everyone involved in this piece of shit should be summarily executed, except Steve Martin, who must have needed a new pool or something. Sorry, Eugene Levy, even the Christopher Guest movies don't absolve you here.

Anyway.

Top 25 Motion Pictures of the Aughties starts tomorrow. Maybe. If I've calmed down.

Top 100 Songs of the Aughies, 10-1 (AKA the Top Ten)

2009-12-08T17:08:00.001-05:00

Wassup Hepcats!
Okey dokey smokies, here we are. A couple of things before we get started.
I had a note in yesterday's post, 20-11, about the unofficial video for "Kids" by MGMT, and how internet weirdos were obsessed with the girl in it. Hepcats, let us not pass judgment. After viewing the video thirty or so times in the last 72 hours, I'm beginning to see the light.
Also, some clarification on the rules in play here. So that this list wasn't top heavy with tunes from certain albums, and to get a variety of artists involved, I restricted it to one song per album. This led to some tough calls, so songs like "Sing Me Spanish Techno", "First Day of My Life", and a host of others got the shaft, even though they were definitely among my 100 favorites songs of the decade. Stupid rules.
Also, I tried to limit it to rock and roll and pop songs. Just so I didn't get angry emails from Kanye West.
The Top Ten!
10. "Transatlanticism" - Death Cab for Cutie (Transatlanticism, 2003). Maybe my favorite song ever that is theoretically impossible to whistle. Seriously, don't even try, you end up sounding like R2D2.

9. "Maps" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Fever to Tell, 2003). Well, when we first starting hearing about Karen O and the YYY's, and seeing photos of the live shows, we certainly didn't expect this. Not a power ballad, exactly, not with that weird guitar squiggle, but something rousing and moving. The video of the decade, too, hands down.

8. "Trains to Brazil" - Guillemots (Through the Windowpane, 2006) Why a song with the word "Brazil" in the title is so evocative of winter is odd. Will forever remind me of waiting for the bus on cold winter mornings, trying to feel good about the whole situation. The horns helped.

7. "Lua" - Bright Eyes (I'm Wide Awake It's Morning, 2005) And speaking of cold winter mornings. I mentioned earlier about this album (and Digital Ash in a Digital Urn) both came out 3 weeks after I first met Mrs. Hepster. This song: driving around Providence on a clear, cold February morning, vowing that "Me, I'm not a gamble, you can't count on me to split" would no longer apply to me. And it didn't, so good for me. Also, one of the all time tunes about being young and fucked up in the city.

6. "Fell in Love With a Girl" - The White Stripes (White Blood Cells, 2001) Yeah, I know, I picked the single. In my defense, this wasn't the first song I'd heard from the album (a friend had sent me a mix with "Hotel Yorba" on it), but this was the one that I would rock out to after eight or nine beers. The second most surprising hit song of my lifetime ("Smells Like Teen Spirit" will forever hold that title.)

5. "Portions for Foxes" - Rilo Kiley (More Adventurous, 2004) This song hits some highlights for me: driving around Rhode Island in summer 2004, finally feeling somewhat settled in; back in L.A. with Mrs. Hepster the following spring, stuck on the 405; the first rock show after I became a parent. Plus one for the vocals on "I do the same thing, I get lonely too".

4. "No Children" - Mountain Goats (Tallahassee, 2002) The perfect MG song (sorry tape hiss purists): funny, biting, and depressing all at once. The title, I assume, refers to the fact that we should be thankful these two never procreated.

3. "The Bleeding Heart Show" - The New Pornographers (Twin Cinema, 2005) In my head, this song would begin playing in the birthing room as Mrs. Hepster went into labor, and the babies would start popping out when they got to the "we have arrived" part. And all the nurses would sing along to the "hey-la"s. The doctors would be all, "That was pretty cool," as I held my newborn daughters. Was uninformed about: music options in delivery rooms, amount of time twins take to come out, effervescent spirit of nurses, musical taste of Ob-GYNs. Still, though. That would have ruled.

2. "Fluorescent Adolescent" - Arctic Monkeys (Favourite Worst Nightmare, 2007) Just for this first verse:
"You used to get it in your fishnets
now you only get it in your nightdress,
Discarded all your naughty nights for niceness
Landed in a very common crisis
Everything's in order in a black hole
Nothing seems as pretty as the past though
That Bloody Mary's lacking your Tabasco
Remember when you used to be a rascal?"
That pretty much sums up getting older and settling down, doesn't it?

1. "One Foot In Front of The Other" - Bright Eyes (Saddle Creek 50, 2003) OK, I know this was re-recorded as "Landlocked Blues" for Wide Awake (and would therefore be ineligible) but this version is so superior, that yes, my favorite song of the decade is only on an out of print compilation. Scour eBay for this, Hepcats, it's well worth it. Here's a live version just to give you a taste. Seriously, though, the Saddle Creek 50 is the balls.

So there we are. Thanks for sticking with us through the end, Hepcats, it's been some kinda alright. More soon!

Top 100 Songs of the Aughties, 21-11

2009-12-07T17:05:00.001-05:00

Wassup Hepcats!
A quick note on the last post, 30-21. The MGMT video for "Kids" that I posted wasn't the official one obviously, and I did some research on it. Turns out it was a project for USC Film School, and the people with the facepaint were friends of the director. ANYWAY when you look at the comments on YouTube, it turns out people are obsessed with the girl. Which I kinda get, she's cute for a someone who's face you can't see, but folks are losing it. Like, scary obsessed. Like, "I'm gonna kidnap her" obsessed.
People are weird.
Almost there!
20. "Tear You Apart" - She Wants Revenge (She Wants Revenge, 2006) There's a part of me that's convinced that is a bad song. And that guy's accent is probably fake. But I'm naming it Official Song of Sophomore Year Hookups. Followed about three months later with...

19. "Sometime Around Midnight" - The Airborne Toxic Event (The Airborne Toxic Event, 2008) ...the Official Song for A Night Out Getting Drunk And Running Into That Bitch With Some Douchebag Who Probably Thinks He's So Cool But Totally Isn't.

18. "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" - Death Cab for Cutie (Plans, 2005) A beautiful love song/renunciation of organized religion, this is on the short list of me and Mrs. Hepster's "songs". There was an amazing unofficial video for this, with animated rabbits and what not, and it used to make me all dusty. But it seems to be gone now. I don't know who is to blame, but in protest I'm putting a clip from "Alf" here instead. Assholes.

17. "Walcott" - Vampire Weekend (Vampire Weekend, 2008) Can you like Vampire Weekend and hate "world music"? I guess, cause that's me on both fronts. Although this song sounds more like Jerry Lee Lewis than Youssou N'Dour. It makes me want to jump up and down very rapidly. Up! Down! Awesome!

16. "Hey Ya!" - OutKast (The Love Below, 2003) This probably would have made it if it was just one lyric: "Lend me some sugar! I am your neighbor!" How did a hip hop group make one of the greatest pop tunes ever?

15. "Evil" - Interpol (Antics, 2004) I used to work at a job where on occasion I would have to call a co-worker named Rosemary. And EVERY SINGLE TIME she answered the phone, I wanted to start singing this song. I never met Rosemary in person, but she seemed like she was in her fifties, and thus it was doubtful that she was an Interpol fan. Unless she was a Really Aging Hepster. So she would have been wondering why this punk from Group Sales was singing that heaven would restore her in life. Man. I so should have done that. Also, "weightless/semi-erotic" was my Friendster status for two years, back when Friendster existed for non-Filipinos.

14. "Wake Up" - Arcade Fire (Funeral, 2004) I knew someday I would hear this song in a movie trailer. My plan was to somehow get a job scoring movie trailers, before someone beat me to the punch. Plan: unsuccessful.

13. "Mr. Brightside" - The Killers (Hot Fuss, 2004) Fun fact: I actually wrote down all the lyrics to this song in a notebook because I was trying to memorize them. Second fun fact: I was twenty-eight at the time. In my defense, I was recovering from getting hit by a truck. Also: totally memorized them.

12. "Take Me Out" - Franz Ferdinand (Franz Ferdinand, 2004) Jesus Christ, what the hell was happening in 2004? That's four in a row. "Take Me Out" is what I call a "Janet Leigh" song, where it starts out as one song (like "Psycho" starts out as a movie about Janet Leigh stealing money) and then turns into a completely different, way better song. This was a great album, but the follow up was disappointing, and I think I actively hate the most recent one.

11. "To The Dogs or Whoever" -Josh Ritter (The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter, 2007) I've never seen Josh Ritter live, but I bet when he plays this, everyone in the crowd sings the line "Did I mention how I love you in your underwear?" really loud. That would be cool. Have to check that out sometime.

Okay, Hepcats, just one more in this dog and pony show, and then we'll move on to another list. Because I don't want to have think of any new topics before the New Year. What with the holidays and all.