The Alert Parent

2011-04-25T08:52:00.000-07:00

When I spoke to a group of teenagers on communication, one teenager wanted to talk about something else. During lunch break she visited with me privately.

What she wanted to talk about was how to hang on to what you believe to be true about yourself, your life and your passions.

Turns out she was tapped in—in a good way—to who she was, what she wanted and what she believed, though the people around her were anything but.

This teenager knew she was losing ground. She wanted to know how to hang on to what she knew to be true.

Her parents were saying that her dreams were impractical, and her friends were criticizing her attitude. “Is it weird for me to decide I want something and then investigate ways to make it happen? My friends tell me I’m compulsive and way too serious. Does this mean it’s true?”

I reassured her that her actions were not peculiar and that being strategic and pursing goals was admirable.

Before I shared with her a secret that would help her stay on track and remain true to herself, I said, “If you had to pick one thing that you enjoy doing more than anything else, what would it be?”

She said, “I love taking pictures. I love using a variety of cameras and lens. Actually, I keep telling my parents I want to be a photojournalist. They think I am nuts and could never support myself.”

She proceeded to tell me that her parents were encouraging her to pursue accounting. “They believe I’m good with numbers and that if I get an accounting degree I will be more likely to make money. I don’t like accounting!”

I asked her to think about how being a photojournalist made her feel? She lit up, almost giddy with excitement. When I asked her to think about what it would feel like to be an accountant, a dull look covered her eyes. She looked tired and drained.

Then I told her the secret: If you want to know what is right for you to do, monitor your feelings. Your feelings are the indicator. If it feels good, you are on track. If it feels bad, you are off course.

Think of your feelings as a compass. A ship captain relies on a navigational system to keep a ship on course. In the beginning of the journey, the captain enters the destination—the ultimate goal. As the journey continues, the captain continues to check his system and makes adjustments because over the course of the trip it takes adjustments to keep the ship on course.

Adjusting throughout as the trip continues means that eventually the captain will arrive at the place he intended to be.

Our feelings work the same way, and so do the guidance systems of our children. What you believe is their path is not a good indicator. What inspires and excites your child are major clues about the direction they need to take to be a fulfilled, prosperous and happy adult.

Hanging on to yourself during adolescence can be difficult to do. When your teenager tells you she or he is losing their ground, pay attention.

What’s the best way to help your teenagers hold on to themselves and what they know to be true during adolescence years? Encourage them to pay attention to their feelings. Help them recognize what brings them joy. Taking the path that follows their bliss is never a wrong path. It might not pay off as they suspected or hoped for, but it will pay off.

Allyn Evans
Email Me!
www.LiveaPowerfulLife.com

Parenting is Not about Being the BFF

2011-03-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

Your job is not to be your child’s “best-friend” or “sibling.” Parents using this style tend to view a child as a confidante, which typically means giving too much information.

Experience tells us children become easily burdened by parental financial and relationship problems. Likewise, playing the best friend means it is more difficult to correct or make decisions that are displeasing to your child.

As a parent you will say no to your child and you will make her angry. While it’s hard to say no, it’s even more difficult to say no to your best friend.

One day your relationship may develop along the lines of friendship, but during adolescence it is better to be comfortable—as comfortable as you can be—not being the friend. Your child will be better served if you are authoritative instead.

An authoritative parent is one who is warm and caring, but is also highly structured. Authoritative parents have rules and high expectations for their children.

An episode from Grey’s Anatomy helped me see the big picture. Physician Addison Montgomery has a pregnant patient who demands to have a non-surgical birthing. After practicing ‘natural’ childbirth, the patient refuses to accept anything else. She believes doctors push too early to perform C-sections, and she will not agree to the procedure Dr. Montgomery feels is necessary.

Because a past trauma has made her question her own decisions, Dr. Montgomery acts more like an indulgent parent than an experienced and authoritative physician. Under the onslaught of her patient’s tempestuous demands, Dr. Montgomery abandons the position she knows to be necessary.

Another doctor helps Montgomery to realize her responsibility is to be the competent, knowledgeable physician she is, not a woman vying for first place in a Miss Congeniality contest.

Dr. Montgomery returns to the pregnant woman’s room. She has to order the patient to shut up to get her to listen. “I have to make a decision that will save your life,” the doctor says. “It’s important and I’m the one who has to make it. Not you. Not now. Discussion closed.”

Only when the doctor is sure of her own position can the patient who is desperate for another outcome respect the doctor’s authority.

Our goal as parents is to be our powerful selves and to evaluate what’s before us. When we make a decision in the best interest of our children, we must hold our ground and say, “Not you. Not now. Discussion closed.”

One mother who listened to a stranger desperately trying to reason with a howling toddler finally remarked to a friend, “That kid and the rest of us will all feel a lot better if Daddy just says no. There’s a reason parents are made bigger than the kids.” I believe it is important to talk and explain your decisions if the child is old enough to understand, but there are also times when it’s necessary to be authoritative, to be more like Dr. Montgomery.

Author Cheryl Dellasega reminds us, “Holding fast to our standards and allowing our children to hate us, on occasion, is mature and responsible, and provides the opportunity to stay firm in our loving, despite the wrath of our progeny.

What better way for a child to learn that a human can dislike or censor another’s behavior while maintaining affection for that person? Could this be the true test of a loving parent: to love a kid—and herself—enough to be, temporarily, despised by that child?”

As children mature, they will have different best friends. Parents provide them with boundaries they need to grow and learn.

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
Email Me!

Cell Phone and Internet Use Agreements for Caregivers

2011-02-14T07:58:00.001-08:00

RESOURCES and TOOLS for Parents (Internet Safety)

Cell phone and Internet Use Agreements:
If you'd like a copy of a parental/child agreement for cell phone or Internet use, please email me. Write "Send me parental agreements" in subject line.

For other resources you might find helpful, keep reading:

Parenting Online Guide by WiredKids.org

http://wiredkids.org/resources/documents/pdf/parentingonline.pdf

Definitions of Technology Terms Used

http://www.netsmartz.org/safety/definitions.htm

Email for kids: www.gmail.com
For instructions on signing up for gmail

Need help counteracting a cyberbully? Visit: www.wiredkids.org

If you need more than on-line help, call the hotline. For more info
about their services, visit: http://www.wiredsafety.org/911/index.html

For more Short Message Service lingo, visit: http://www.smsslang.com/

Reviews of best cell phones for children:
http://www.consumersearch.com/cell-phones/best-kids-cell-phone

Reviews of best parental control software products:

http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/

Another parental control product to check out: www.pcpandora.com

Signing up for Google Alerts:

www.google.com. For instructions on how to set up, visit:
http://thealertparent.blogspot.com/2008/03/using-google-alerts-to-track-your-child.html

Search engines for kids: www.kidsclick.org, and http://kids.yahoo.com

For Chapter on Determining Your Values from the yet-to-be-released:
(retitled) Helping Your Daughter Live a Powerful Life, visit:

http://www.allynevans.com/pdf/LivingHappilyEverAfterTodayValuesChapter.pdf

There are related articles in this blog. Refer to the listing in the right hand column for subject matter.

Exactly As I Am

2011-01-22T20:14:00.000-08:00

While writing Helping Your Daughter Live a Powerful Life (release date: 2011), I read Exactly as I Am by Shaun Robinson, a book filled with advice from well-known women.

Following are some excellent nuggets from Robinson about “what it takes to believe in yourself.”

1: You Are Who You Are

Many teenagers look in the mirror and see less than they desire. I totally get this. The mirror was not a friend of my younger self. Robinson reports that stars such as Janet Jackson, Sharon Stone and Jennifer Love Hewitt also felt the same way. Sharon Stone said, “I didn’t think I was pretty until I was thirty-three years old. Think of all the time I wasted.” It’s important to help our daughters love who they are. If you are trying to change your child, she knows it. Take the lead by loving her for who she is.

2: If You Fall, Get Back Up

Ever watched The Rookie starring Dennis Quaid? This feel-good movie, based on a true story about someone going after his dream, demonstrates the path to dreams isn’t necessarily easy. While you are heading in the direction of your dreams, there will be challenges and upsets. Meredith Vieira, Today Show co-host, shared with Robinson that she was fired from her first television job after being told she didn’t have what it takes. “My father found me crying and asked, ‘Do you believe you have what it takes?’” Veira said. “I answered, ‘Yes,’ to which he said, ‘Then why do you care what anyone else thinks?’” Helping our children learn this message is key. We can model this behavior. When things go wrong, don’t crumble. You may fall, but after sitting there awhile, dust yourself off and reevaluate. Make a new plan. Change the plan. Your child will learn from observing you.

3: Reach for the Stars

In The Rookie the character played by Dennis Quaid almost said no to his opportunity to play professional baseball. He was old. He had a decent job. Change would be risky. The only place your child will reach taking the practical or safe road is regret. How do you help your children? Get to the heart of their desire. Ask them what they are aspiring to do. Ask what they want from a goal. Being famous or rich is not a dream worth pursuing. A dream worth pursuing is the dream your child can’t shake, what she does without reward—one that features her skills and talents. Even if parents cannot see it, there are practical uses for a child’s dream. Author Caroline Myss said her family thought she was making a major mistake pursuing a theology degree. “What do you do with theology?” they asked. For Myss it turned out to be an excellent choice. Her best-selling works are laced with theology. Danica Patrick, world-famous woman race-car driver said to Robinson, “Find something that you love to do and you are good at and make a career of it.”

4: Embrace Your Uniqueness

Loving who you are can be difficult for teen-agers. Eva Mendes shared with Robinson’s readers, “The most challenging time in my life was between the ages of thirteen and eighteen. I felt physically awkward and socially inept. I was so insecure about not only how I looked but about everything I said.” Sharing your own experiences with your children will help them be kinder to themselves.

Shaun Robinson says, “What I learned from all the women I interviewed was about how to embrace yourself—warts and all.” Robinson’s book reminded me of this message. Thanks, Shaun.

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
Email me!

Braces Off!

2011-01-16T10:09:00.000-08:00

This column first ran in the newspapers summer 2010.

Addy got the good news her braces would come off in early June.

It is such a momentous occasion, Addy’s orthodontist schedules a day every six weeks strictly for his patients who are having their hardware removed. We were both thrilled.

For me it meant fewer orthodontist trips and the end of buying soft mushy foods every six weeks. For Addy it meant lots more—including bypassing the minor pain that followed every check-up.

I never required braces and didn’t know the ‘after-braces-off’ routine. I had heard people wore retainers, but I had no idea what was required. Before Addy’s big day, we had other adults tell us about their experiences.

Our home renovations guy said he never wore his retainer. After a period of time—a short period—his teeth changed position again. All that time, money, and discomfort wasted.

We had heard more stories in the weeks leading up to her visit. Those who failed to wear the retainer had good reasons. “Didn’t like it.” Or, “I forgot.” An excuse often repeated—“I lost my retainer and never replaced it.”

In an on-line account, Rachel says: “When I got my braces off during my junior year of high school, I was ecstatic. After three long years in metal, I finally had the smile I wanted.”

Then things went downhill for Rachel: “After a while, it got to be a hassle. I was tired of digging through the garbage in the cafeteria after accidentally throwing out my retainer. I hated how icky it got if it wasn't washed frequently. It made me talk and look really weird. A couple of months after I stopped wearing my retainer, I slipped it on for curiosity's sake. My teeth felt like someone was squeezing them with pliers — it was so painful, I had to take it off right away. You would think warning bells would go off, but I didn't think any more of it.”

Rachel ignored the signs. She ended up with a smile that resembled the one she started with in the first place. A smile she now called, “Ugly.”

While I was waiting for Addy to emerge braceless, a former colleague of mine entered the waiting room. She smiled at me with a mouth full of plastics and wires. She, too, had failed to wear the retainer after the first time round, now was back to do it all again. “I have to wear these at least one more year,” she said. “I won’t neglect wearing the retainer this round.”

While waiting for the unveiling, I read a collection of stories, some comical and some exaggerated, written by patients of the doctor. Time after time, the sad tales all explained why the retainer had been lost or damaged. How much does it cost to replace one? About $100.

Addy had a chance to see and hear firsthand what would happen if she didn’t follow the orthodontist’s instructions, and the stories gave me lots of ammunition. Yes, I stooped so low as to threaten Addy. “If we ever had to do it again, you’re paying for it!” The same goes for a lost retainer.

Addy needs to wear her retainer for 10 to 12 hours in a 24-hour period for up to two years. After that, she’ll still need to wear a retainer, but the schedule is less draconian.

So far, so good. The retainer is being worn regularly and so far it hasn’t been lost. She’s only been braceless for less than a month. Time will tell us how this drama will play out.

Allyn Evans
info@allynevans.com
www.thealertparent.com

P.S. She did end up swallowing the lower wire retainer and we have since switched to the same as for the upper teeth. And, as of this posting...she's still wearing her retainers!

Roughing It

2011-01-11T12:21:00.000-08:00

Does your teen need an attitude adjustment? Have you entertained the idea of shipping him or her off to one of those host families on CMT’s “Worlds Strictest Parents?” Maybe you are looking for a more practical solution, one where you don’t have to be selected to air your drama on national TV.

I have the perfect solution, and it doesn’t have to be expensive, either.

Camp!

But not your regular summer session filled with cabins, pools and fun—something much more basic and centered around camping out and rustic living.

As teen-ager I had attended such a camp, the Episcopal Church-based camp in Canton, MS (Bratton Green) which has been offering adventures for teens for over 50 years.

What’s so great about Pioneer Camp besides the price (less than $500 covers the five-day teen vacation plus the required gear)? Both you and your teens will be glad they went.

Addy had her first go at Pioneer Camp this summer. Even though we are different in many, many ways—what I like to do for recreation, she usually doesn’t, and vice versa—I had no doubts that she would love Pioneer Camp. I was right.

Although I wanted to her to have fun, I also wanted her to gain from the experience. While at camp, you are required to be a functioning member of the team. You help with the chores, cooking and cleaning. Something else I wanted was for her to experience pushing her physical limits, which is accomplished by the activities done at camp such as going on long hikes, climbing steep rock walls, and going over the edge of a cliff (rappelling).

Having had the opportunity as a teenager, I knew the benefits. When facing challenging situations I could remember the time I climbed the wall or completed the 90-foot ropes course. I could tell myself, “If I can do that, I can do what I am facing at this moment.”

If you are the caregiver for a troubled teen, there are options for you as well, some more restrictive and demanding than others. Roughing-it programs might be a more palatable solution than appearing on reality TV. For more information, Google the subject. Find three to five options that work and then call to find out more details. Ask to speak to parents of previous campers to get more input.

I found a mix of offerings for severe situations—those who are court ordered, for example. Boot camp is another type of program for troubled teens, and typically has a military training component or disciplinary system in place.

There were also options for teens with mild to moderate issues and included trained therapists. One such place OutBack Treatment in Utah explains, “Outback, the wilderness treatment program, works with students, struggling teens or troubled teens, 13 to 17 years of age with a range of emotional and behavioral issues that may include Oppositional Defiance, Attention Deficit, Learning Differences, Low Self Esteem, Depression, Substance Abuse and Family Conflict.” They do not accept teens who are gang members, sex offenders or suicidal.

There are also plenty of options for those of you who don’t need help with a troubled teenager. Wilderness Adventures is one. The goal of Wilderness Adventures is “instilling self-confidence, self-reliance and lasting group leadership skills; and ... teaching responsible use of wild lands and concern for the continual preservation of these areas for future generations.”

Because of my own experience, I have always been a proponent of adventure camps for teens. Now that my daughter has also benefited, I want to share this good message with you.

Allyn Evans
Email Me!
www.allynevans.com

I Know More Than You Think

2010-11-12T11:28:00.000-08:00

I asked my daughter, Addy, what parents should know about teenagers today.

She immediately had a response: “Parents of teens need to understand that we know a lot about things—more than they think, probably. We get it from TV, Internet and our friends.”

Boy, did I know this to be a true statement.

Just watching TV now will let tell you that. The innuendoes and outright too-much- information peppered throughout even on a Primetime sitcom are not misunderstood by a teenager.

And then there is PG-13 which contains easily sent messages that are not always the ones we want our children to learn.

I was nine-years-old the first time I watched a scary movie on TV. The show was about the Salem witch hunt, and you and I both know that the movie couldn’t have been that scary.

It was on TV in the 1970s, for goodness’ sakes. It freaked me out for months. Addy and her dad have enjoyed watching scary movies since she was a young age. The movies now are much scarier, if you ask me, but they don’t faze her—she mostly laughs at their absurdity.

I did learn the meaning of the most used cuss word of the day when I was in the 2^nd grade. I didn’t hear it a lot until I actually arrived at college. My daughter says she hears it all the time—at school, on cable TV, on the radio (yes, have you listened to Sirus or XM radio?) and at the movies, to name just a few places.

The point is that children know more than we did when we were their age. But it’s important to keep in mind this doesn’t mean they are more mature than we were at the same age.

In an article titled “Kids Today Know Far More About Sex,” appearing in a Montreal’s “The Gazette”, Julie Beun said, “I recently interviewed Dr. Michael Popkin, the man behind the Active Parenting movement in Georgia. ‘You want to match your answers to the child's developmental level,' he said. ‘Think about it: 14-year-olds are dealing with sexual issues that we dealt with in college.’" She thinks the problem stems from our children’s exposure to the Internet, TV, movies and the big kids at the back of the bus. I agree. She reminds us, “The trick is not just to ensure they have accurate information—babies don't come from storks or Brad Pitt, no matter what Star magazine says—but to keep it all in context of the values you want them to have.”

“Parents need to understand that is the way it is,” Addy said. And that, my friends, is where Beun’s advice squares with Addy’s. We can’t stop our children from receiving the download, but we can talk to our children about our value systems and what is important to us. They do listen, even if you don’t always believe they do. Beun also reminds us that we do have to untie the apron string and, yes, “sometimes, we do have to let them work things out for themselves.”

So if nothing else today, realize that your teen knows more than you think and that even so, it will be okay. Teens have to deal with knowledge beyond their maturity whether we or they like it or not. It’s the world we live in. As parents and caregivers, we can help them process and deal with mature subject matter by listening, responding and answering tough questions.

Thanks, Addy, for helping me address a much-needed subject matter.

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
info@allynevans.com

Do You Know Where You Are Going To?

2010-11-09T11:24:00.000-08:00

Recently a song has been playing repeatedly in my head.

It starts: “Do you know where you are going to?”

It continues with lyrics that ask listeners if they are pleased with “what life is showing” them.

This song reminds me how important it is to have a reason to get out of bed every morning. Not only adults need a reason.

Tweens and teens need one, too.

The other night I caught another episode of World’s Strictest Parents. The host parent wanted to know what the eighteen-year-old had in mind for his future. The young man didn’t have a clue.

He said: “In school, I just skated by. In the classes I liked, I did well. In the classes I didn’t like, I didn’t.” The mother for the week told him, “That’s life. Sometimes you have to do things that aren’t fun.”

It reminded me of the time my daughter asked me how I could be having a good time doing laundry.

Most of the teens, if not all of them, who are featured on this show don’t seem to be involved in organized sports or activities.

If you happen to have a child who is just not that in to sports or group-related activities, you have a little more work cut out for you. Don’t fret over this. Simply understand that you might have a bigger challenge to fill in that gap and help them learn the valuable lessons organized sports and activities have to offer. There are other ways to do that.

I remember years ago watching a Dr. Phil show that provided an answer. Dr. Phil was helping troubled teens. His answer: Help children find a deeper purpose for their lives—you know, meaning.

This is easier said than done in some cases, but typically children do have ideas of what they like and dislike. Maybe they love photography or art. Maybe they are the family musician. It’s just a matter of helping that child discover what that might be.

Maybe your child has always wanted to learn a new language. My daughter told me about three years ago that she wanted to learn Japanese.

“Really,” I said, not understanding why in the world she would want to do that.

Several people advised me that I should insist she learn Chinese instead because knowing Chinese would benefit her more when she grew up. I didn’t follow this guidance because I knew my daughter’s interest wasn’t about what would help her land the best future job. It was about an interest in learning the Japanese language, which she is still pursuing today. Of course, I just might have to give Pokemon and Digimon all the credit!

We also volunteer at the local Humane Society. There are many, many opportunities that provide a means to discover interests, passions and skills, which serve to give children ideas about their future—what excites them, bores them and inspires them.

To help your children find a home—a place where their skills, talents and interests can be tapped into—is the goal. Not all children fit the same mold. And you might not always like the hobby or interest being pursued. Let your child try different things. Having a goal—to learn Japanese—might seem crazy to you and maybe your child will start and decide it’s not really an interest. It’s in the pursuit that your child will find answers.

Bottom line: All children need something bigger than themselves. Whether that be a sports team, an orchestra performance or walking homeless dogs, all children need a reason to be.

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
Email me!

I Messed Up!

2010-11-03T14:38:00.000-07:00

We’re all human.

We all make mistakes.

While sitting here writing this article, I can recall many of the mistakes I’ve made in my lifetime.

More importantly, I also remember how I felt.

My first recollection of making mistakes involved the dinner table. I remember knocking over tea glasses or breaking plates.

As I grew, my mishaps became more expensive. The world of work set me up for many missteps. Early in my career I fried a copy machine using the wrong kind of transparency slides. Cost: $600.

Not too long ago I really outdid myself. I decided to hang a window ornament above a window. I picked a place on the frame for the nail to go and then began to hammer away. I’m sure you can see where this story is going. Yes, after about three bangs, the full length glass pane window shattered. That little mistake cost me one big mess and $350.

Not all mistakes have a monetary value tied to them, but most have some consequences. I have many memories of messing up at work—reporting inaccurate data or releasing information peppered with typos and mistakes. Mistakes can humiliate and embarrass us, if we let them.

Teaching our children how to deal with accidents and mistakes is important.

Many children are afraid of making mistakes. They tie mistake-making with being bad. I can see where this idea comes from because even in the world of work, when I made a mistake, I mostly felt ashamed and yes, like a bad child who needed to be punished.

As I blundered through my young adult life I’m not sure why I didn’t realize every other person walking on the planet had made mistakes too.

When talking to our children about this very topic maybe we should take a page from motivational speaker Zig Ziglar. "A big shot is just a little shot that kept shooting."

You have a long list of famous quotations you could pull out like: “There is no point crying over spilled milk.” Or, “Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.” Or what about a quotation attributed to Albert Einstein: “Anyone who had never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

Something else to teach our children…after a mistake is made it is important to fess up to it. Model this behavior. It’s important to take responsibility for what we have done whether it be an accident or not. Teaching accountability will help your children better navigate their humanness.

I have mentioned before the story of Randy Pausch, the late computer science professor who wrote a book titled: The Last Lecture. If you haven’t already checked out this book, it is on my list of recommended reads.

At one point in his story, Randy told readers to: “Saddle up and ride.” That’s what we can tell our children too. After the milk is spilled, then there really is no other pertinent message. After a mistake is made, our children need to understand that we can find solutions to fix our problems. Truth: You can’t change what has already happened. But what you can do is learn from what has happened and make better choices moving forward.

As the story goes, Thomas Edison made several thousand attempts before he found success building his first light bulb. Later Edison reportedly said: “I have not failed. I’ve discovered ten thousand ways that don’t work.” Helping our children understand that making mistakes is more about learning how to improve ourselves and our lives is a valuable, valuable lesson to teach.

Allyn Evans
Email me!
www.thealertparent.com

The Get-Away Plan

2010-10-27T14:27:00.000-07:00

A friend told me about an out-of-town trip she was taking alone. If you are the primary caregiver, you know the basics of the story, something along the lines of the following:

Primary Caregiver makes all the necessary plans for her trip. “I’ve checked schedules,” she tells her family. “’I’ve arranged rides and overnight care.” She books flights and hotel and reserves the rental car. She is confident all is well in her world…until about two weeks out.

“Where are you going? When? Don’t go. We need you!”

Guilt rears its head. “How will they manage? Am I insane?”

Caregiver plods forward…beating herself up mentally along the way. She works doubly hard to get everything ready. She not only packs for herself, but also arranges for even the tiniest detail that will occur while she’s gone. In my friend’s case, she had three sports-minded and super active children to make arrangements for.

Caregiver goes to the grocery store to stock the cabinets. She makes a last minute dash to the pharmacy. Having the family run out of anything while she’s away would be disastrous. The day before the scheduled trip she frantically handles last minute details, doubting herself the entire time. Caregiver answers questions while trying not to let negative jabs derail her.

“Too late,” Caregiver says to herself, “I couldn’t back out if I wanted to.”

With every item on the list checked off, Caregiver crawls into bed (two hours later than planned).

Let’s face it. Life is simpler when everyone has assigned roles and fulfills them. But when the Family Manger needs to take a short leave (whether business or pleasure), it’s no easy task to make sure all the fronts are covered. With careful planning, a Caregiver can leave town and everyone will survive. Here are some tips to help you prepare your family for your time away.

1. Create a schedule. A friend includes Google Maps for her sitters.

2. Don’t complicate the schedule. For example, reschedule the orthodontist appointment for when you are home.

3. Explain your travel agenda and how available you’ll be. Check in regularly, but also keep boundaries.

4. Arrange the pet sitters or any other odd job that you usually handle. Leave instructions for duties that are typically covered by you. Sharing these jobs with your children when they are old enough to be helping will make future trips easier.

5. Leave your family contact information.

6. Be sure everyone has access to cash.

7. In case of medical emergencies be sure your sitter or spouse has the insurance card and/or medical consent form.

8. Having a thought-out plan with back-ups you can count on is important whether you are leaving home on an emergency, a business trip or just for fun.

It’s usually the ‘fun’ trip that causes a Primary Caregiver the most anguish. It is good to remember the occasional trip to recharge, regroup, refuel your interests and desires and, yes, to have some fun along the way, can benefit not only the Primary Caregiver, but also her family when she returns invigorated and refreshed.

As my friend talked about how hard it was to stay on course, she said, “But the most interesting thing is what happened when I finally did get in my bed the night before leaving town. As I lay my head on the pillow with the intention of going over my to-do list for the morning, I realize I was ‘hearing’ something else in my head. I heard myself say, ‘I am so very, very happy.’”

What a great example to share with your children.

Allyn Evans
Email me!
www.thealertparent.com

Fake It Till You Make It

2010-10-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

While writing last week’s article based on Charles Sykes “50 Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School: Real-World Antidotes to Feel-Good Education,” I realized I had lots more I wanted to say about this one.

“The real world doesn’t care about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.”

I often hear, “I can’t. I’m not ready. I’m not smart enough. I don’t know how.”

In some cases we do need to sit back and gather more experience or even more confidence. However, I’ve found more times than not roadblocks are the result of self-doubts and feelings of incompetence rather than whether or not someone is ready to take the next step.

I will never forget one reality-based competition TV program I watched. I share the story with audiences—particularly teenagers—on a regular basis. Although I cannot remember the name of the show or all the specifics, I do remember the message.

The final three contestants, fashion designers (and, no, it wasn’t “Project Runway”), were heading to Paris for the final leg of the competition. Two were thrilled. For one, the news seemed to be a death sentence. Something was wrong as we—the viewers—were about to find out.

Contestant number one had studied, practiced and worked hard. She had become a designer skilled enough to secure a top-three spot. On the verge of having all her dreams come true, she had one teensy problem. She was afraid to fly.

How she tried. She showed up on the departure day. She boarded the plane. She stayed on the plane for as long as she could, but she couldn’t stand it long enough to leave American soil. The two others, minus a major competitor and much closer to their own dreams, flew off without her.

I share this story with teenagers in with my talk about overcoming fears. The message is that we don’t want to be at the starting gate ready for our opportunity and not be able to take the next step.

We usually don’t do anything the first time completely prepared. We must expand beyond our comfort zone. If we really thought mastery was a prerequisite to begin our projects, we’d never attempt anything. We are never fully ready for the next step. That is the lesson we must convey to our children.

How do we share this message with our children? One way is to model it. We demonstrate how this can be done by doing it ourselves. We follow that old adage: “Fake it till you make it.” We allow our children to see our fear and we let them see us doing things we are afraid of.

There are times when it is better to step back and say, “I need more education. I need more experience. I need guidance.” You can’t practice medicine until you complete the program and earn the degree. But there is a difference between making decisions based on fear or fact. If you see your children hesitating because of fear, then they are probably coming from a place of “not being good enough,” or being afraid they will not measure up.

The way to be best prepared for any opportunity in life is to do the preliminary work. Polish your skills, hone your talents and address any fears you have along the way. Help your children do the same. If you do, you are more likely to find the joys you seek instead of watching your peers fly off to your Paris without you.

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
Email me!

Coming to the Rescue

2010-10-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

While channel surfing, I happened to catch CNN’s Education Consultant Steve Perry, who helps parents with discipline and school-related challenges.

Now that our children are back in school being slammed with activities and homework, the timing couldn’t have been better. Perry offered some really great advice. He was speaking to two well-meaning parents who were having trouble getting their 12- and two 14-year-olds to complete chores and do homework. Basically, they were having trouble getting their teenage children to take care of their business.

Taking care of their own business—completing homework, taking their medicine, cleaning their room—is a vital skill for teens to learn. If they don’t learn this lesson, then when they are responsible for themselves they have difficulty leading successful and productive lives.

Where these parents were at fault, according to Perry, was that they continually rescued their children. For example, their youngest child regularly missed the bus because he wouldn’t get up in time. On the mornings that he missed the bus, his father would leave work and take him. Basically, the child had no consequences for missing the bus and so he did it habitually. The 14-year-old male twin tended to forget to take his homework to school. No worries because there was Dad to come to the rescue. He would leave work, return home and then take his son his homework. No consequences and no lesson learned.

It’s hard to not rescue our children. I know. There are many times I am tempted to save the day. Though most of the time I fight this urge, there are occasions when I do help, which means my daughter forgoes consequences for her behavior. Just yesterday she failed to pack medication she needed to take for a spend-the-night outing. In this case I decided it was more important for her to take her medicine than to suffer the consequences of not taking her medicine. I made this choice realizing I would have other opportunities to make my point. You will have the same opportunities and so, yes, there will be times when rescuing needs to occur. There can be many reasons to rescue. Maybe your child has made great strides and you are now more interested in reinforcing the idea that we all make mistakes and it’s okay. Or maybe it’s been one “bad day” moment after the next and your child simply needs your support and help. On such a day flexibility is what’s called for.

But when a pattern is created that is detrimental to your child’s overall well being, then change needs to occur. Sometimes it takes the view of an outsider to help you see what changes are required. Don’t be afraid to seek help if you are concerned about your child and the direction he or she is headed.

The good news is that it is not too late to start. If you have a teenager who is already entrenched in bad habits—and in this case we are referring to things like homework, study habits—you can start now. Perry tells us children thrive in structure, and it is our job to establish a system that includes monitoring and follow-through. You may find it challenging to change the rules, but it can be done.

Perry also said that parents tend to give their children too many choices—or wide-open choices, which means they are more likely to make bad choices. He suggests giving choices, but narrow them down to two or three while making sure that the options you are offering are all good selections to make.

Allyn Evans
Email me!
www.thealertparent.com

Resources and Tools for Parents (Internet Safety)

2010-10-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

RESOURCES and TOOLS for Parents (Internet Safety)

The Alert Parent Blog: www.thealertparent.com

Parenting Online Guide by WiredKids.org

http://wiredkids.org/resources/documents/pdf/parentingonline.pdf

Definitions of Technology Terms Used

http://www.netsmartz.org/safety/definitions.htm

Email for kids: www.gmail.com
For instructions on signing up for gmail

Need help counteracting a cyberbully? Visit: www.wiredkids.org

If you need more than on-line help, call the hotline. For more info
about their services, visit: http://www.wiredsafety.org/911/index.html

For more Short Message Service lingo, visit: http://www.smsslang.com/

Reviews of best cell phones for children:
http://www.consumersearch.com/cell-phones/best-kids-cell-phone

Reviews of best parental control software products:

http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/

Another parental control product to check out: www.pcpandora.com

Signing up for Google Alerts:

www.google.com. For instructions on how to set up, visit:
http://thealertparent.blogspot.com/2008/03/using-google-alerts-to-track-your-child.html

Search engines for kids: www.kidsclick.org, and http://kids.yahoo.com

For Chapter on Determining Your Values from the yet-to-be-released:
Living Happily Ever After with Your Daughter Today, visit:

http://www.allynevans.com/pdf/LivingHappilyEverAfterTodayValuesChapter.pdf

If you'd like a copy of a parental/child agreement for cell phone or Internet use, please email me.
Write "Send me parental agreements" in subject line.

Bigger and Better Things

2010-09-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

What does it feel like to not worry about what other people think of you? I call it the Opinion of Others, or OOO for short. I’ve been working on not worrying about OOO for years. Have I completely mastered it? NO!

Recently I had yet another opportunity to work on this skill—someone had an opinion and they felt compelled to share not-so-nice things.

I fretted. I worried.

Oh dear, that’s not how I had planned to handle the situation. Then I realized I didn’t know what it felt like to not care what other people thought. Intellectually I got it. But to live it?

I thought about the times I really didn’t care. Typically, the opinions of a complete stranger don’t induce the OOO syndrome. Neither do the opinons of those who love me best…I figure with them I am on safe ground, that they’ll keep me. But let other family members, friends, or someone who knows someone say something derogatory, I’m fretting and worrying like a champion.

Typically a remark involves my pride and targets the opinion I hold of myself. You know…Reputation. I instinctively want to play the “good girl” part. And then I can’t believe I’m really still wrestling with the Big R. Didn’t everybody else leave that behind in high school?

Finally it dawned on me that I do know what it feels like to not care about the opinions of others. It feels light, airy. It feels good. I am beginning to understand more fully my reputation is what Wayne Dyer describes in his book The Power of Intention. “Your reputation is not located in you. It resides in the minds of others.” He tells us that we have no control over the mind of someone else. What they think is what they think. Dyer explains further, “Leave your reputation for others to debate; it has nothing to do with you.” In short…what other people think of me is none of my business.

I’m ready to believe this. I am ready to feel this. I am ready to live this. While driving home from our summer vacation, my daughter and I chatted about many things. I decided to ask her thoughts on the issue and said, “How do you not worry about the opinion of others?” Although I haven’t been able to fully participate in this concept, something has worked for her. She doesn’t have this problem—at least not yet. Here’s what my wise daughter told me, “That’s easy. Find something bigger and better to think about.”

As is typically the case, once a lesson is learned the universe gives you an opportunity to test yourself. This time I passed with flying colors. As the days grew into a week, I realized I really am residing in a new place. What I thought would bother me (my tempest in a teapot for the moment) did not. Everytime I thought about that irksome situation, I could quickly divert my attention. I, without much effort, could let it go. What was happening outside myself wasn’t impacting me.

The old Allyn would have been very bothered. What will the neighbors think?—‘the neighbors’ being all those people I care about. Breathing deeply, I can say to myself: “It’s okay.” What a relief. People can have opinions and those opinions do not impact me.

I feel so much better. Free.

I’m ready to turn in my worrying about OOO for some real joy in believing in myself…some Oh Oh Oh.

I’m off to think about bigger and better things. Help your children do the same!

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
email me!

Raising Capable Children

2010-06-05T14:35:00.000-07:00

I heard a man on TV give some good advice to his wife about raising their teenage daughters. “It’s like driving a car,” he said. “When you cross the center line, you gently correct it. If there is a flat, you can’t move forward until the flat tire is removed, repaired and replaced.”

We spend their childhood years teaching our children all we know as best we can. Then we metaphorically put them behind the wheel of a car and watch as they drive off. Of course we still have work to do. When our children transition from childhood to teenager, we adjust and begin to parent differently. If we don’t change our parenting style, we hurt ourselves and our children.

If we can remember our goal is to prepare our children to get behind the wheel—to direct their own lives as they head towards adulthood—then they are much more likely to be able to drive when it’s time—and safely and smartly at that.

In college many of my peers had difficulty getting themselves out of bed in the morning. Some didn’t know the basics—like washing clothes, setting an alarm, balancing a checkbook, cooking simple meals. They had been sent off behind the wheel without operating instructions.

How do we raise capable children?

1. Spend time with them. One of the best ways to teach your children is to be with them. Many times I have used car time to teach things I think my daughter needs to know—from mundane to important, from basic driving rules to my beliefs. Often something will be said that will lead to the sharing of information.

2. Honor who your child is. It is difficult to allow your children to be themselves. For instance my daughter and I have different ideas of hurry. I’ll say, “Hurry up, we are running late to meet your friend.” She’ll say, “Okay, Mom.” To me this means, “I will get what I need so that we might still make it on time.” To her it means: “I’ll walk a little faster, but I’m still going to stop and look at this odd shaped bug.” This difference means I am critical every time one of these situations arise. The message delivered is: “Something is wrong with you.” We help our children by constantly evaluating ourselves and our reactions, doing everything we can to send the message, “You are okay.”

3. Encourage your child to take risks and to learn from their mistakes. Many children are afraid of making mistakes and it is important we give them a safe place to trip up. A good example for this is Toastmasters International, a non-profit organization that teaches public speaking. When you mess up, the audience is supportive. No one laughs, snarls or makes fun of you. Your audience wants you to do well, makes suggestions for next time and, before you leave the lectern, applauds.

4. Put them behind the wheel. As children grow and mature, they will need to try and do more things without parental supervision and assistance. This may be one of the most difficult tasks we face. Letting go. We can do it slowly and carefully—one string at a time. But to ensure that our children develop into capable adults, we must begin the process. We can start in the toddler stage by giving them simple choices. “What do you want to wear today?” Or, “would you like beans or carrots?” By the time they are teens, we need to be giving them many opportunities to do things without us.

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
Email me!

2010-05-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

Tamara Barcinas, casting director from World’s Strictest Parents, requested I write another column about their show and include casting information. Turns out the show’s producers still need parents—parents like you—to help them make a difference in the lives of troubled teens. Casting continues through February, 2010. Contact details are at the end of this column.

Remember last week’s column when I talked about how children still need us in their lives? The World’s Strictest Parents episode that I watched to prepare for this article reminded me how important we are to our children and how much they really need us—even when they appear to be pushing us away.

In this particular show, the host parents were from Iowa. Host Dad was a police officer. Karli (17) arrived with piercings and a bad attitude, “I don’t do _ _ _ _,” she told the camera. She also explained that she didn’t respect her mom and never cared about what her mom said. When she and her mom did talk, Karli always dismissed her and questioned her authority with sarcasm and sneers. In one scene the teen said, “I don’t get to live here if I pierce my nose? Really? That’s what you said about my lip.” In another she said, “I’m only two hours late and you are totally tripping.”

The male teen, Zack (18), showed up at the McCormick’s house on a similar track. He told us, “I do whatever I want whenever I want to do it.” One scene between Zack’s Mom and him sets the stage.

Mom: “I want you to clean up the dishes.”

Zack: “You don’t always get what you want, do you?” Both teens are parented by single parents—moms who are at their wit’s end. Both moms have similar concerns about their children. They fear that their back-talking teens will turn into lazy, nonproductive citizens not living up to their full potential.

I love the opening banter between the two teens as they head to their home away from home. They insist that no adult will be able to make them do anything.

They haven’t met the McCormicks yet.

As always, the first two days are rough. The teens attempt to get their way. In this show, it works out opposite to what the kids expect. The adults establish rules and enforce consequences. The teens—even the 17 and 18 year olds—realize they are not in charge. The transformation that takes place in such a short period of time amazes me.

I wish every troubled or confused teen could have this experience. They usually walk away with genuine appreciation for their caregivers. The experience seems to help them get on track with goals and dreams, and helps them see through the eyes of others how self-indulgent they have been for most of their young lives. For most, it seems to be a legitimate turning point.

By the time Zack and Kali leave, they have turned a corner. Zack tells the camera, “I needed a good kick in the teeth.” Zack also told the McCormicks he was initially surprised at how nice they were to him despite his actions and looks. “That’s never happened to me before.” Kali told us she came into the experience thinking she was going to give the host family hell. “But now, it isn’t like that. I see that I have potential.”

To contact the World’s Strictest Parents Casting department, call their hotline: (888) 41-TEENS. Or you can send an email (teens@shedmediaus.com). For more information before contacting them, visit their website: www.theworldsstrictestparents.com.

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.blogspot.com
Email me!

Be Spontaneous

2010-05-25T16:02:00.000-07:00

“Let’s go get some ice cream,” my daughter says.

“When?” I think of all the reasons I can’t get ice cream—I am too busy. I’m avoiding ice cream so how fun would that be for me? I have a long to-do list. I want to finish my list. Now?

“Now,” she says.

“Let’s schedule it for next week. How does Tuesday afternoon work for you?”

“Mmmmooooommmmmm.”

Here’s the truth. Sometimes…Addy would say all the time…I seem to lack the ability to live spontaneously. I see this as being responsible, a way to get done what needs to be done. She sees this as sad.

So I have challenged myself to view this issue through my daughter’s eyes. Let’s face it parents, grandparents and caregivers, we are not always the teachers. Our children are, if we can open ourselves to the idea, sometimes our greatest teachers.

As I think about what adding spontaneity would bring to my life, I realize my young teacher is very wise. Being more spontaneous would mean I would have more fun. Why do I fight it so mightily?

I don’t have an answer for that, but I do have a new answer for Addy now. On a recent trip I had time to think about what my teacher said. In a phone call I promised, “When I get home, I will be more spontaneous.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Home for five days, I have done at least two spontaneous things—according to my daughter. Good for me. Not sure how easy it will be to break a deeply engrained patterned, but I will continue to try. And if not for me and the fun I will have, then I want to do it for my daughter.

To help me take on this new role, I did a little research. I liked what Kristie Leong M.D. said (www.ehow.com), “Even if you're not a naturally spontaneous person, you can add spontaneity and creativity to your life by taking some simple steps to break out of your established routine. By doing so, you'll find yourself less burdened with stress, anxiety and depression as you uncover new ideas and opportunities. “

Because I was still wondering about the “how” part of the formula, I dug a little more. I found a book titled 50 Ways to Feel Great Today! written by Dr. David Biebel and Dr. James and
Bobbie Dill. The authors told readers to get your work and deadlines met first. Spontaneity can come as the reward. They reminded us that this isn’t about “shirking your responsibilities.” It’s more about “spicing” up your life, which can be done by taking an unplanned trip to the ice cream store. In addition to telling us to keep wearing our responsibility hat, they also told us to “be naughty.” Their ideas of what constitutes being naughty are doing things like splurging on a dessert or reading a novel. They encouraged readers to spend time with others and to drop agendas. Maybe more than anything, spontaneity is an invitation to include more people in our life for fun reasons.

Addy turned thirteen in March. That means, realistically, there are only five more years before she’ll not be around to encourage me to have more fun. The girl’s got big plans…plans about going off to college. I ask you…why am I allowing busy work…work I always seem to get done anyway…interfere? I am thinking that any grandparent reading this will tell me to drop everything and go and be with my child as often as I can. I’m listening…

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
Email me!

But Everybody Does It!

2010-05-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

Here is the Copyright Challenge I promised readers. To read the full article scroll down below the quiz. Enjoy!

The Copyright Challenge

Read each scenario and then decide if the person featured is making the “right” choice when it comes to copyright law protection. Suggest that you spend time talking about this with your child.

1. A friend gets a new CD and wants you to enjoy listening to it too. The friend makes you a copy. She keeps her copy and continues to listen to it. Is this ethical?

2. You love your new CD of your favorite band. You want to protect it and decide to make a copy of it for your own use. You make the copy and put the original in a safe place in your home. Is this ethical?

3. You made a video and you want to upload a song from your favorite band as background. Is this ethical?

4. All your friends in your tight-knit circle have seen the new movie and all love the sound track. You buy one copy of the soundtrack and decide to download it on all their MP3 players. They’ve all paid for the movie so everything is okay, right? Is this ethical?

5. You borrow a movie from the library. You decide to show it to your friends. You invite them over and you have popcorn and sodas as you watch the movie. When you are done, you return the movie to the library. Is this ethical?

Answers to Copyright Law Challenge:

1. No. Making a copy and sharing it with someone else is a copyright law violation.

2. Yes. Only the person who purchases the CD has the right to download to their MP3 player or to burn a copy for personal use.

3. No. In some cases you can be penalized, if discovered. Although some companies are now allowing this to happen in exchange for the advertising it brings them. If you take this risk, it is just that…a risk.

4. No. Paying to see the movie and paying for the sound track of the movie are two different things. Support the artists and purchase the CD! Downloading the CD to everyone’s MP3 player is a violation of copyright laws.

5. Yes. You are using the library as it is intended.

Article: But Everybody Does It!

Many people do not take copyright law seriously. Not only children think it is perfectly okay to rip a CD of the latest movie sound track or their favorite band—adults do, too.

In March, I chaired a conference for an organization known for its educational, self-development and pain management CDs. On the agenda we included a Q&A about ethical behavior concerning copyright laws. Why did we have to do this? Because we had discovered that many thought it was okay to share CDs or MP3 files without paying for the right to use them.

We asked questions like:

1. Your group borrows a CD from the library. You want everyone to have a copy. You make 10 copies and pass them out at the next gathering. Is this ethical?

2. You give a member one of your commercially purchased CDs. You did not make any copies and are giving it as a gift. Is this ethical?

The exercise helped participants have a better grasp of what is legal when it comes to sharing music or proprietary materials. It’s an exercise that you might wish to pursue with your children. So that you don’t have to create your own questions, I have a provided a list of questions at www.thealertparent.com.

Here’s the deal. Copying and sharing the music or work of others is a violation of copyright laws. It is, in fact, stealing.

Some of the confusion for our children might stem from the fact that computer programs exist on the web to help children and adults download music for free. Just because a company provides this service doesn’t make it legal.

And not all music, movie and other industries are just letting people get away with this. Although the music industry seems to have stopped targeting individuals for the time being, they did go after and sue approximately 35,000 people in 2008. One of those individuals “caught” happened to work about 10 minutes away from my home. His payout was in the six-figure range.

Although the music industry is taking a new course of action, it appears independent film makers are targeting the individual.

In March, over 20,000 people have been sued in Washington, DC federal court for copyright infringement. According to the sources of Hollywood Reporter, Eriq Gardner, there are another 30,000 downloaders who are about to be served. Gardner reports in his article (March 30, 2010): “This could be a test run that opens up the floodgates to massive litigation against the millions of individuals who use BitTorrent to download movies.”

What is the law when it comes to copyright? Math and Reading Help for Kids, endorsed by the American Library Association, explains: “The law states that no one may reuse music (or any copyrighted material) without permission from the material's owner. The exception to this is what is known as 'fair use.'”

Reporters, researchers and educators fall under this ‘fair use’ definition and can reuse copyright material as long as they give credit to the owner.

There is a way to download music legally and for little cash. Several on-line sites have offerings that are legal because of licensing agreements. Math and Reading Help for Kids provided the following lists: Apple's iTunes, Napster, eMusic.com, MP3.com, PressPlay, RealOne Music, and Listen.com.

Copyright protection for artists, writers, musicians, filmmakers and others is a big deal. We will do ourselves, our children and all those artists a favor if we take copyright infringement seriously. Caregivers, teachers and grandparents, please take the time to download and give the Copyright Quiz to the children and adults in your life.

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
Email Me!

Sharing What We Believe

2010-04-28T14:14:00.001-07:00

Because I believe communicating our values to our children is one of our most important tasks as a parent, I devoted a chapter on values in my upcoming book: Help Your Daughter Live a Powerful Life.

If we believe in hard work, truth, honesty, realness, it’s up to us to make sure our children understand why we feel the way we do.

As they grow and mature, they will step away from some of our values, but will also hang on to others.

I made time to discuss my values with my daughter, and began the discussion with some simplistic advice from The Last Lecture by Carnegie Mellon University computer science professor Randy Pausch, who died of pancreatic cancer. This simple expression of basic truths helped me outline my value discussion with Addy.

“Whether you think you can or can’t, you are right.”

I used this quote to begin our discussion. I wanted her to understand how powerful her beliefs are, and included a conversation about the Little Engine that Could. Addy had heard the story before and didn’t like it, but the example still worked. The point was made.

Along the same lines, we talked about “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.”

I told her stories about Rudy Ruettiger, the 5’6” and 165 pound man who dreamed of playing football at Notre Dame, and Liz Murray, the homeless girl who eventually graduated from Harvard. Both heard many no’s before reaching their goals. Both succeeded beyond their imaginations. These stories are movies and can be rented if you’d like to introduce them to your child.

I told her the story of young Ben Carson, whose mother, Sonya, turned his life around. Sonya had a third grade education and had married when she was 13. Ben’s parents divorced when he was eight years old, and Sonya had to work multiple jobs to support her two boys. When Ben was in fifth grade he had a terrible temper and ranked at the bottom of his class.

Alarmed, Sonya made a commitment to herself and promised she’d change things so that her boys could succeed in life. She allowed them to watch only three television programs weekly. She made them finish homework before they played with friends. She insisted they read two library books a week and write a report on each one. She persisted even though she couldn’t understand what they wrote.

Within two weeks of starting the new regime, Ben astonished his classmates by naming rock samples the teacher brought to class. The event changed his life. Ben understood he wasn’t stupid. He suddenly hungered for knowledge. Ben now had a chance to be something, simply because his young, uneducated mother was determined to give her children a different life—one that would be better than her own. She wouldn’t give up. She kept making changes until something worked.

Turns out that the dumbest kid in the fifth grade, Ben Carson, grew up to become the youngest Chief of Pediatric Neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins University Hospital.

These stories can lead to discussions about “brick walls” and what to do when you run into one, about how important it is to never give up when it matters to you.

We concluded with “Life isn’t fair.” We talked about what to do when faced with an unfair situation, but more importantly, I emphasized that in our family we believe sometimes the only thing you can do is: “Saddle up and ride.”

What inspires you? Why? Use books, movies and everyday encounters to share your values with your child.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
Email Me!

The Power of Choice

2010-04-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

When writing my soon-to-be-released book: Helping Our Daughters Live a Powerful Life, I asked my newsletter subscribers to contribute.

One of my subscribers shared with me:

“For a long, long time I let those societal restrictions influence me to believe that what really mattered was the destination, even though I knew deep down that the quotation I used in my high school year book was what I ought to believe in: ‘Life is not a having and a getting, but a being and becoming.’ My children are also on a journey of being and becoming…change is always happening, always possible.”

What we need to help our children understand is that change comes because of choice.

There is an anonymous quotation I love that reminds us of how important the power of choice is: "It is very important you remember you have choices. It’s so important you simply can’t forget it."

When we think about making choices and then explaining this concept to our children, we need to buy in to what making choices means for them.

As author Shad Helmstetter in The Gift: The 12 Greatest Gifts of Personal Growth reminded us, “it’s usually the smallest choices we make that affect us the most.”

It’s important to remember this as a transition from making all choices for our children to allowing them to make age-appropriate ones. Making choices is a big part of defining self.

Help your children understand that as they grow they need to rely more on themselves. Explain the benefit of getting input from others but also make clear the caveat. Others give you advice based on their own experiences.

Teaching your children to trust their instincts—their gut feelings—is the best ammunition.

There’s more we need to understand and help our children understand. There are no wrong decisions. Decisions have results. Those results can bring us joy, but sometimes they bring us pain and sadness.

In an article about choices written by Jennifer Griffon she said, “Each decision that we make at any point in time is the best decision that we can make at that time and also reflects a lesson that we must learn.” She goes on to tell us, “Judging the wisdom of our choices once we learn their results, thus regretting the past, is like being able to pick the lottery numbers after we know what they will be.”

There are times we know we are not making the best decision. I can recall one as recently as yesterday. This also brings to mind something I repeatedly told my sister Jennifer before she moved to New York. Picking the right path for yourself doesn’t mean you are guaranteed the easy path. Best choices don’t necessarily mean you’ll find a gold-covered road leading to the rainbow minus pitfalls and obstacles.

In Reviving Ophelia Mary Pipher tells us, “Parents can only do so much, and they are not responsible for everything. They are neither all knowing nor all-powerful. Parents can make a difference in the lives of their daughters only if their daughters are willing to allow this. Not all daughters are. Daughters have choices and responsibilities.”

It’s our job to teach what we can and then to move out of the way. We do this by allowing our children to make their choices and accept responsibility. All we can do is the best we can and we must ask our children to do the same. And then maybe one day we and our children can be like Marianne Williamson and “come at last to live in the comfort of our own skin.”

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
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Taking From Others

2010-04-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

Addy and I watched “Odd Girl Out,” a movie based on an advice book by the same title and written by Rachel Simmons.

In one scene, several girls are shopping at an expensive store. Vanessa can’t afford to buy the clothes the other girls can, and her best friend Stacy gifts her with some of the clothes. As they are walking out Stacy turns to the girls and says, “I forgot to pay for this scarf. My purse is too small.”

The girls look at one another. Some repeat the “my purse is too small” line. Then they all turn to Vanessa.

Vanessa caves in to the pressure. She sticks the scarf in her oversized bag. She walks out of the store and doesn’t get caught. She leaves the burden of paying for the scarf to someone else; in this case, the merchant who will foot the bill and pass the cost on to other customers, to you and to me.

Stealing happens frequently. Electronic devices and locked cabinets point to a problem massive enough that merchants pay big bucks to hang on to their stuff. Retail stores aren’t the only ones with “stealing” problems. The music industry is still trying to stop the bleeding.

This summer presented several opportunites for Addy and me to review this theme. The first was a few months back while we shopped at Rue 21.

Addy wanted to know why the store locked its dressing rooms and why we were limited to how many items we could have in the dressing room.

As I explained, something hit the floor with a thud. It was an electronic tag that had fallen out of a pocket of the shorts she was trying on. I knew what it meant. She didn’t. I explained that someone removed the tag, stuck it in this pocket, then strolled out the door with stolen merchandise.

But stealing isn’t only about intentionally shoplifting.

A few weeks before school started, we did our annual back-to-school shopping. At the cash register, I noticed the man didn’t charge us for one of the items. The thought drifted through my head, “Should I tell?” It was immediately followed by “Not telling is stealing.”

I spoke up and paid for all of our merchandise. Addy had the opportunity to learn knowingly taking advantage of other people’s mistakes is also stealing.

A few weeks after that experience, she showed me a CD her friend made for her. I asked what was on it. She named the song and the band. I said, “Addy, that is pirated. We can’t keep it.” When I explained that copying songs you don’t buy was stealing and illegal, she didn’t want the CD anymore. Right then we broke it.

More recently we visited another store, this time to purchase a watch for my husband. We looked at a wide-variety of sports watches and finally selected a medium-priced model. Once home, we realized that the clerk had given us the most expensive watch, but charged us for the mid-priced variety.

This time there was no second-guessing. Addy and I knew immediately our only option was to jump in the car, return to the store and correct the oversight. And that’s exactly what we did.

There is a moral to this line of stories. The moral is that taking something that isn’t ours is stealing. It’s a lesson that our children need to understand. And there are many, many ways to teach it. For starters, use this article and the examples included to teach the children in your life this most important lesson.

Allyn Evans
Email Me!
www.allynevans.com

Speaking Tic

2010-03-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

Toastmasters, an International non-profit organization designed to help individuals improve their speaking skills, teaches speakers to avoid using verbal fillers—fillers like ah, uh, you know.

Because I have been a member of Toastmasters for a very long time, I am hyper sensitive when a person relies heavily on verbal fillers when speaking.

I’m constantly amazed by the high profile TV/radio personalities who do this and aren’t told by company executives to fix it.

There’s a popular filler word used by tweens and teens, particularly girls. I hear it repeatedly when Addy and friends are loaded in my car.

Can you guess what the word is?

A couple of weeks ago, I spent three straights days working with teenage girls at Career Technology Centers in Oklahoma. I heard this word so much that I found myself overusing it.

Not good.

While waiting for a presentation to begin on one day, three girls arrived early. I told them to feel free to chat while we waited for the others to join us. Big mistake. For fifteen minutes, I had to listen to the constant repetition of the offending word.

“LIKE he told me what he said and then LIKE I said well okay and then LIKE I left. Later, LIKE I decided to go back and find him. But LIKE he was gone. And LIKE I didn’t know what to do.”

Yes, the “filler” word for this generation of children is still LIKE. The 1980’s movie Valley Girl was the world’s first introduction to the word and nothing seems to be stopping its use—not teachers, not parents.

While speaking to the students, I pointed this out. I asked them to help each other stop this bad habit. Hoping to help them improve, I would point out every use of the word throughout our time together.

My daughter and I work on this at home. In her defense it’s rare that I hear a slip unless she is hanging out with friends.

William L. Bainbridge , Professor at the University of Dayton, wrote an article about the overuse of ‘like’ for the Columbus Dispatch. He described how he and colleagues were disturbed by a teen’s presentation.

She was the president of her senior class and had exceptional scholastic qualifications—excellent grades and high national test scores. He explains: “The session was videotaped. We reviewed the tape and, to no surprise, found sixty-four instances by actual count of this bright person cluttering her sentence with the word LIKE in less than four minutes: "You know LIKE I feel LIKE students LIKE have trouble LIKE selecting LIKE career awareness LIKE experiences."

Bainbridge says popular TV personality Larry King calls this type of overuse of a word a “speaking tic,” which means it’s something a person can’t seem to stop doing no matter how hard she tries.

But there is good news. If your tween, teen or even you have this “diagnosis,” it is fixable. Ask others to help you become aware every time you say the word. Record your daughter and friends (with their permission, of course) and then play it back. You can call them out every time, too.

A favorite Toastmaster’s trick is ringing a counter bell every time you hear the offending word.

The counter bell tactic works—just ask any Toastmaster who has experienced it. I rarely, if ever, get flagged in meetings for using word fillers. When I do find myself picking up a verbal word filler habit, I immediately get to work solving the problem. Do your children a favor and help them do the same thing.

Allyn Evans
Email Me!
www.allynevans.com

I Promise Not Tell

2010-03-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

I want to take a poll.

First question: How many times have you heard, “I promise not to tell.”?

Next question: How many times has the person who promised not to tell TOLD?

For many people, keeping something private from others is impossible to do. It’s not to say that the Secret Sharer is bad a person. More times than not, the person who violates your trust is a well-meaning friend or family member who supports you in many ways.

But for whatever reason, they have a hard, hard time keeping quiet.

I’m talking about adults. Here’s something to consider…if adults have so much trouble—adults who love and support you—then wouldn’t you think a teenager might find it even more challenging?

I talk a lot to girls about this very topic. The betrayal stories I have heard and read about push me to have this conversation regularly with teens.

Now you might be wondering if I advise them to keep all their secrets bottled up inside? No, I don’t. But I do ask them to tread carefully and to be mindful of what they tell to others in their lives.

Bottom line: Friends and family members earn the right to be told your secrets. This means that as you build a relationship with someone, you share bits and pieces of your private self in increments. It’s a natural way for a friendship to unfold. It’s after you begin to share personal information with someone that you need to be an observer. I tell girls to pay attention to how the information is handled.

It reminds me of the game of tennis. Hit a ball past me and down my alley (the side of the court), I pay attention. Do it again and I start thinking about the old idiom: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

In my own life, I take careful notes about who keeps my personal information confidential. And sometimes it really isn’t about how much they love you or respect you, but their maturity level. Not everyone can keep a secret. Recall your own experiences when you wanted so badly to share some information you had, but had been asked not to. It’s challenging, is it not?

You’ll now find me repeatedly telling teenagers to be careful. Mostly this talk goes along with my Internet and Cell Phone presentation to teens. In that workshop we spend time talking about public communication. What many of them might not have thought about is that ANY private communication with someone via email and cell phone could, with a push of a button, become instantly public.

To help them avoid embarrassment or harassment, I encourage them to not write or text anything that they wouldn’t want posted on the classroom bulletin board. If they feel compelled to criticize someone, I encourage them to do it in code. Of course, in an ideal world we’d rather they not criticize anyone at all, but we know how difficult that is for us—let alone them—to do.

This is a topic that I continually talk about with my daughter and other teens. Of course, just because I’m talking about it doesn’t mean the message will be heard. Yes, many times it takes learning something the hard way before a point can be absorbed. When your child is betrayed, which WILL eventually happen (if it hasn’t already), help them process and forgive. But more importantly, remind them to be careful when sharing information or personal secrets with friends or family.

Allyn Evans
email me!
www.allynevans.com

Time to Make Summer Camp Plans

2010-03-10T14:18:00.000-08:00

As I child, I started annually attending summer camps by the time I was eight. Most summers, I attended at least two camps or sessions.

Whether I took a friend or not, didn’t matter to me. Camp was fun.

For my daughter, Addy, it was different. She had no desire to go. I decided to take a relaxed approach: “When she is ready, she’ll ask.”

Last year, at the age of 12, ready she was. And so we began searching for the ideal place. We looked in Oklahoma and surrounding states and found many good options—some expensive and some more moderately priced. Because we had started late, however, most camps were full. As my own plans started to evolve for the summer, I realized how convenient it would be for me, if we could find a camp in the state I call home. I suggested we check out one of the camps I regularly attended. We did. They had space. The price was more than reasonable. The deal was made.

Although very comfortable with the choice, I must confess I fretted some. Last year while visiting a good friend, her child wrote heart-wrenching letters about wanting and needing to come home. My friend made her stick it out, but not without tears of her own. But fear of the unknown or how it will all work out is never a good reason to not try something. My friend’s child learned an important lesson that summer. She learned how to deal with a challenging situation.

If your child has yet to experience camp, you might want to reconsider. The majority of children, mine included, have wonderful camp experiences. A study done by the American Camp Association surveyed more than 5000 families who had attended 80 ACA-Accredited camps to evaluate the experience from the perspective of parents and children. In most cases, the parents and children reported significant growth in: self-esteem, independence, leadership, friendship skills, social comfort, peer relationships, adventure and exploration, environmental awareness, values and spirituality.

After hearing all the “camp” tales from my daughter post trip, I would have to report that it was all good! She can’t wait return. Never mind that she caught the flu (not the Swine flu) and had to leave camp a day early.

There are other reasons to consider sending your child to camp. According to Dr. Bruce Muchnick, a licensed psychologist who works extensively with day and resident campers, “Camp is a learning experience.” Dr. Muchnick explains that being in a new environment and away from the familiar “provides an opportunity for your child to explore a world bigger than his/her neighborhood and a chance for you and your child to practice ‘letting go.’” He claims that “letting go” is important to develop autonomy and a strong sense of self.

The American Camp Association (http://www.acacamps.org/) offered more advice:

1. Make Joint Decisions: Include your child in the selection process. Ask your child to pack with your help.

2. Talk Openly About Fears and Concerns: Being afraid to be away from home is common, especially if it is the first camp experience. Share your “first-time-from-home” experiences with your camper. Talk to them about what they can do when and if they feel sad or lonely.

3. Help Them Have Realistic Expectations: Explain to your child the real purpose of camp, which is to relax, have fun and enjoy. It’s not about winning the biggest trophy or prize or succeeding. Talk about a typical day of activities that will include fun activities, but also some chores like making a bed or keeping your bunk tidy.

If your child has never attended camp, you could always select camps with shorter durations. Addy’s camp last year ran for one week.

Best Hint: When trying to figure out how to pack Addy’s camp supplies and clothes, I asked a friend if she had a trunk I could borrow. She told me, “Don’t do that. Instead, purchase a plastic chest of drawers. When transporting, tape the drawers shut.” This solution was ideal and made all of Addy’s key items easy to reach. You might want to check with the camp staff before making this decision.

Allyn Evans
http://www.thealertparent.com/
info@allynevans.com

You'd Be So Pretty, If...

2010-03-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

I’d like to remind you again of Dara Chadwick’s book, You’d Be So Pretty If: Teaching Our Daughters to Love their Bodies—Even when We Don’t Love Our Own.

Chadwick told us: “I grew up listening to my mom bemoan everything from the size of her thighs to the shape of her eyes.

So you can imagine my dismay the first time someone exclaimed, ‘You look just like your mother.’”

Chadwick’s message struck home because I am that mother who doesn’t love her body. Hard to write it, but it’s the truth. I pledged not to pass that message on to my daughter. My plan was simple. When she was in my presence I didn’t talk about my appearance or desire to lose weight. If I was going to be on a diet, which I did often when she was young, I called it a new health plan.

So far this tactic has worked. Now that she’s older when I do slip up occasionally she’s surprised by my self-deprecating words.

The best way to help our daughters love themselves as much as we wish we loved ourselves is to model self-love even when we might not actually believe it.

Chadwick’s subtitle tells it all: “Teaching our daughters to love their bodies—even when we don’t love our own.” It’s important to watch the words we direct toward our daughters.

In You’d Be So Pretty If… a fourteen year old shares, “I hate it when my mom calls me a lumberjack because I’m tall and sort of strong. It’s just a joke, but it gets old fast.”

These words, whether in jest or not, drive home the point that this child is bigger than the cultural ideal.

Mothers have a tremendous influence, but what Chadwick calls the “X factor” also comes into play. Comprising the X factor are the men in your daughter’s life: boys, brothers, dads and husbands.

I remember in graduate school meeting a beautiful girl who believed she was ugly. She had an older brother who repeatedly called her names and told her she was a “train wreck.”

As I wrote in my first book, it was the boys in my life that impacted me the most—the boys who would be, could be or had been boyfriends. I listened intently to their comments/evaluations and I absorbed them all.

Chadwick told us: “Being teased and tormented about your physical appearance in childhood and early adolescence is often how a lifetime of body image struggles begins. Like pulling weeds from the garden, it’s our job (as parents) to nip that kind of meanness in the bud.”

Chadwick offers many suggestions on building a healthy body image. One I thought particularly helpful: Help her feel good about how she looks. Take her to a professional hair stylist. Many still charge children prices until girls are 13. When she wants to start wearing make-up, show her how. Or take her to an expert. Department stores in malls and hair salons will usually do this for a minimum fee or product purchase. Find a store or stores that sell clothes within your price range that are flattering for your daughter’s body type.

Not all girls can wear skinny jeans, and although they are a popular thing to wear, there are many other stylish choices out there. Watch TLC’s What Not to Wear with your daughter. You’ll pick up tips for all types of bodies, and your daughter will see a wide variety of shapes, sizes and looks.

As Chadwick says, “Make it your goal to help her feel confident among her peers.”

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
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