The All Nighter

Investment Bank CEOs: Another one bites the dust

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 06:33:11 PST

As another investment bank head throws in the towel, another set of investment banking inspired lyrics begin dancing in front of your eyes, sung to the tune of "I Will Survive", but from that vey embattled CEO's point of view.First I was Chief counsel, And then the CEO,I pinned red umbrellas in my suit, But the shares they moved so slow,Investment banking was doing well, ECM made cash to burn,I

The poetry of investment banking

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 05:32:20 PST

It's late at night, you're in a cab on your way home and you are paging through you schooldays companion, a book of poetry that reminds you that there are people that have more to say that the overvalued manufacturing arm of the nation's largest conglomerate. As you page through the book, your financial overload of the day metamorphosizes with the words on the page. Before you know it, you are

Stewie Griffin Meets Wall Street

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 09:21:12 PDT

A gem of a video...

Investment Banking Training Video

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 04:53:14 PDT

The monkey's hat goes off to the performing artist in an investment banker's shoes in the video below.No comment necessary.

Investment Banking Banannas

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 12:59:44 PDT

Courtesy of another monkey...

The investment banker moves on: out with private equity, in with the strategics

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 03:33:37 PDT

So what if the Kruelbergs and Blunderstones of this world are finding it hard to get the kind of cash from their investment banks that they did just a few months ago. It’s an investment banker’s duty to try and then to try harder. Prepare pitches, present profiles, think in the box, out of the box, around the box – whatever it takes to get that damn tombstone. It has to be said,\however, that

The Monkey is back: the New Investment Banking Paradigm

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 11:03:22 PDT

It feels like an age has gone by since you last reflected on you existence as an investment banker. You almost don’t know where to start, what words to use, how to describe the feelings of bitterness, resentment, pride and greed that, in subtle, interwoven overtones, paint the skies of the investment banking universe.You sit reflecting on what you need to catch up on since the last time you had

Where will this investment banker be in ten years' time?

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 08:06:48 PDT

So, the jury is out. You’ve been running around the bank, asking everyone where they thought you would be in ten years’ time. A great strategy, you thought to yourself, given the fact that you don’t have a clue as to what you will be doing and who you will be doing it for. After all, investment bankers are the some of the (self proclaimed) best brains around - the best and brightest – the

Letter to an Investment Bank's Shareholder

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 07:25:49 PDT

From: The firm's management committeeDear shareholder, We would like to take this opportunity to provide you an update of the recent trading performance of the firm. As you may already know, the overall market conditions, both on the debt and equity side have been rather challenging of late. We take this opportunity to explain to you, our fellow shareholder, the firm’s exposure to this market

Hedge Funds

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 11:49:00 PDT

For your viewing pleasure...

Born to be an investment banker

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 13:44:23 PDT

You wake up all hyped this fine morning, as a revelation passes in front of your eyes. You don’t need to have Rupert by the cojones in order to make your way up the firm’s structure. We live in efficient markets, as you discovered on your coffee break, and there seems to be little you can (legally) do to go round that fine point. But hey, as with all rules, there are even finer ways of twisting

Games for investment bankers

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 04:34:16 PDT

Getting ready for the conference call:Step one:Prepare a four by four square, randomly filling each cell with one of the below phrases / words.synergyaccretivepitchbottom linerevisitdouble checkmargin expansion24/7scrubbedbenchmarkingvalue-addedaggressivepremiumimpressive growthmarketleverageStep two:Tick off each block when one of the phrases is mentionedStep three:When you have ticked off four

Value added in investment banking

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:31:16 PDT

Working for a client on the buyside is always fun. You’re in a kickoff meeting you’re your client, for whom the firm is a house bank, and you’ve just been handed a presentation the client received from an investment bank hired to sell the company your client wants to buy. The first thing you can think of, is trying to pick at little bits and bulbs that don’t add up in their numbers, spelling

Douey, Cheatham & Howe

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Sat, 28 Jul 2007 08:14:26 PDT

How investment banking is like royalty

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:30:49 PDT

Funny thing, you think to yourself, crouched over a discounted cash flow model on your screen on a Friday evening, that investment banking is so much like royalty. And not progressive royalty like a number of European countries have today. No. This is the old fashioned Marie Antoinette kind of shit we’re talking about here.Thinking about why you’re sitting over an excel model for a project you

Application to become an investment banker

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:31:42 PDT

(Click on the image to enlarge)This is how a real investment banker applies for a job.Confident,Articulate,Capable,Useless.

Harry Potter and the Deadly Hours

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 11:13:29 PDT

Two investment bankers meet in front of the lobby of the firm in the dark of night. Not a sound is made, and in an instant, like cowboys in the Wild West, they whip out their blackberries, pointing them at eachothers’ chests. In a few moments. They recognize eachother and make their way quietly into the lobby of the firm.As they approach the elevators, the doors open, and a managing analyst

Investment banking and efficient markets

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:30:01 PDT

...continued from "The kind of shit that (often) happens in investment banking"Having met Mike at the lifts, you head down to get a coffee. None of that cappuccino bullshit the silly little monkeys drink, and then ask for three shorts to make it stronger. You order an espresso - double. Mike has had a rough time - went home at four and was back at nine - he orders a tripple shot espresso."Oh,

...and the kind of shit that (often) happens in investment banking

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:29:32 PDT

... continued from "The kind of shit that (not so often) happens in investment banking"You waltz into the office at around 10:30 am, feeling like you own the place in light of the information you acquired the night before, on your way home from work. You get to your desk, drop your things onto loudly, look at your phone, where the red indicator light is blinking indicating that you have

The kind of shit that (not so often) happens in investment banking

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:29:32 PDT

So you’re leaving the office late. It’s 1am as you get into a cab to take you home. Bonus paid, money in the account and no offer at hand, so you decide to drown yourself in workaholicism, in the hope that you will forget that seven of your fellow analysts quit today and there are a good few more to come over the next few days.You can’t believe your luck as your taxi driver dims your lights, and

A New Beginning

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:29:05 PDT

Ok. So the news is out. Bonuses have been paid and the annual game of musical chairs is about to begin. You look around the floor, trying to guess who will quit in the coming days. You observe the analysts’ faces for signs of an upcoming resignation.A few cubicles away, Pete Flannigan is a substantial deal more joyous than his usual chain smoking, grumpy, sleep deprived self. He’s sitting on the

Why can't investment banks take the shortest path from A to B

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:28:40 PDT

Failsafe Interviewing Techniques for Investment Bankers

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:28:24 PDT

Theres a great deal of paranoia when an analyst goes for interviews. This stems from a combination of the fact that ibanks promote a misplaced sense of loyalty to the bank you work for (lets face it, this is not a word that is in an ibankers vocabulary) and the fact that jobs open up and thus interviews happen shortly before bonus time, and no analyst wants to ruin their bonus by being seen as

Managing Analyst Syndrome

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:28:24 PDT

Now that it's bonus time, and every monkey (in many cases quite literally) gets a bonus. From top bucket to the bottom of the pile, a new generation of kids will be a few tens of thousands richer than they were a month ago. Investment banks in a bull market are very much like communist regimes in that sense - they don't really discriminate . Everyone gets a bonus and a pat on the back. The

Bonuses and Resignations

noreply@blogger.com (The Investment Banking Monkey) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:28:24 PDT

Bankers, for the most part, can be quite articulate people. It is a true shame that this particular one took seven years at a bulge bracket firm before sharing this talent with the world in a farewell email. "Dear Co-Workers and Managers,As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it