The Alpaca Buggerer

Lotto win has T-ball Team Pining for Pujols.

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 09:52:00 -0500

LEHIGH ACRES, FL- The MacMurray Auto Body Tigers T-ball team finished in 2nd place in their league last year. For, "Team Mom," Angela Davis it isn't enough and she might just be the person who can do something about that.

Davis, 33 and her husband, the team's Assistant Coach Mike, 36, had the winning numbers in last months record lottery drawing. "265 million dollars is more money than we could ever hope to spend, so we figured we could do something for our son," Mike Davis explained.

Enter Albert Pujols. The eventual Hall of Fame first baseman of the St. Louis Cardinals is a free-agent and expected to fetch a record contract from the highest bidder. "Our Cody is a winner in life and he deserves to be on a winning team. We are now in a position to give him the experience that he deserves," Mrs. Davis beamed. "We are going to use this 'Gift from God,' to be a competitve bidder for Mr. Pujols and hopefully, a championship season for Cody, next year."

"If we are able to sign Pujols, he will have to earn his spot in the starting line-up just like every other boy on the team." Coach Davis said with a sparkle of hope and pride in his eyes. "But I have a good feeling he has the tools to be a contributor to our team's success."

Representatives for Pujols, the Cardinals, and Major League Baseball refused to discuss the matter.

It is That Time of Year Again, Again.

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 22:17:00 -0500

Hey, it is late September. You know what that means? It means it is time for my annual rant about the nominees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. This year, being no different from others, I decided to re-run my rant from last year, with just a few minor revisions(mainly Alice Cooper getting inducted), because things have not really changed. So here it is, my yearly RRHOF rant. Enjoy.

If you are a lover of music like I am, you may want to, at some point in your life, go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. While there, you may expect to see all of the inductees that have had huge success, a long career, and/or were influential to many others. You might expect to see the following artists:

Herbie Hancock(n), Ella Fitzgerald(n), John Coltrane(n), Pat Boone, Sammy Davis Jr.(n), Chubby Checker(n), Paul Revere and the Raiders(n), Willie Nelson(n), Patti LaBelle(n), Wayne Newton(n), The Moody Blues, Cher(n), Randy Newman, Iron Butterfly, Jethro Tull, Steppenwolf(n), Steve Miller Band, Chicago, Grand Funk Railroad(n), Joe Cocker, Yes, Diana Ross(n), Jimmy Buffett(n), The Doobie Brothers, ELO, Meat Loaf(n), REO Speedwagon(n), Thin Lizzy(n), Blue Oyster Cult(n), Peter Frampton(n), Styx(n), Scorpions(n), Bachman-Turner Overdrive(n), Barry Manilow(n), Barry White, The Pointer Sisters(n), Rush(n), Tina Turner, Bad Company, The Commodores, Judas Priest(n), Kansas(n), KISS, Robert Palmer(n), Journey(n), Ted Nugent(n).

That would be one hell of a Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, none of these artists have been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Do you see the names with the "(n)" after them? These artists haven't even been CONSIDERED for the HOF, much less nominated. This list, by the way, is just a short sample of those that are not in. This list also is made up entirely of artists that have been eligible for over 10 years. IF you add those that have been eligible for less than 10 years, you get these folks:

Air Supply(n), Boston(n), Kenny Loggins(n), Luther Vandross(n), Peter Tosh, Sammy Hagar(n), .38 Special(n), Cheap Trick, Foreigner(n), George Thorogood(n), Peter Gabriel, Black Flag(n), The Cars, Devo, Rick James(n), The B52's, Bryan Adams(n), The Dead Kennedys(n), Def Leppard, Iron Maiden, Twisted Sister(n), Weird Al(n), Billy Squier(n), The Go-go's(n), Huey Lewis and the News(n), INXS(n), Loverboy(n), Ozzy Osbourne(n), UB40(n), The Bangles(N), Billy Idol(N), Depeche Mode, Duran Duran(n), Eurythmics, Lionel Richie(n), Ministry(n), Motley Crue(n), George Clinton(n), Janet Jackson(n), Sting(n), Dio(n), Slayer(n), Stevie Ray Vaughan, 2 Live Crew(n), Pet Shop Boys(n), Steve Vai(n).

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame did nominate KISS 2 years ago, but they didn't make it. I will give them credit for inducting Alice Cooper last year, but he seems to be a small bone thrown by the same people who do not think, KISS, Rush, Journey, Deep Purple, and Stevie Ray Vaughan deserve to be in a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. These same voters thought that ABBA was more deserving to be inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame.

There is bound to be some disappointment with this years class. The nominees for 2012 are;

The Beastie Boys
The Cure
Donovan
Eric B. and Rakim
Guns 'N Roses
Heart
Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
Freddie King
Laura Nyro
The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Rufus with Chaka Khan
The Small Faces/Faces
The Spinners
Donna Summer
War

There are some very deserving nominees here. However, as mentioned above, there are way too many who deserve to be in before some of these are voted in. I won't go into my thoughts on, "non-rock and roll" artists in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the fact that they should just change their name to the Pop or Popular Music Hall of Fame. We will see who, from this group, gets in the Rock and Roll hall of Fame in April of next year.

Cheers,
The Alpaca Buggerer

Wazzup Dog?

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 10:33:00 -0600

Warning!!! Due to the frank nature of the topic below, reader discretion is advised.

I am not originally from the Chicago area, so my food preferences are a tad bit different than the locals. For example, hot dogs. I prefer just a little bit of ketchup and onion on my hot dogs. To my palette, they are a good compliment to quality frank. But ketchup is sacrilege in Chicago. You can't pay the local wiener purveyors enough to put some ketchup on your hot dog. You may as well ask them to kick a puppy and then eat it alive. They maybe, just maybe, will give you an old packet of Heinz that they found on the sidewalk 3 years ago. But they dare not break the seal on that Devil's juice called ketchup. For the demons summoned forth will surely bring an end to all mankind.

It seems that the only option is the Chicago-style hot dog. I have finally determined that Chicago style hot dogs are hot dogs for those that don't like hot dogs. They put all of the boldest flavored toppings possible on them. It is like they are trying to mask the fact that they are eating a hot dog. In fact, if I were forced to eat a piece of shit, I would ask if I could put it in a poppy seeded bun with some Chernobyl green relish, mustard, onions, a dill pickle, tomato, sport peppers, and just an eensy weensy dash of celery salt. That way, I could fool myself into thinking that I am not eating shit and maybe I am just eating a Chicago dog. I couldn't tell the difference. Nobody could because the shit dog is buried beneath a virtual Matterhorn of condiments. I do agree with the Chicago-doggers on one thing. In keeping with Chicago-dog tradition, the shit would have to be kosher, of course.

Happy New Year!!!
The Alpaca Buggerer

They Calll Him the Streak!

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 19:55:00 -0600

WARNING! This blog may contain images and/or words that some may find inappropriate for a quaint little family get-together at grandma's house. Or it may not. Your grandma might be the hippest chick to ever walk the planet. Anyway, this ain't granny's house, so fuck it. Let's get it on.

I find it a little odd that we have a name for a random crazy dude who runs across a sports field while wearing no clothes. A streaker. But we have no name for a guy that does it while fully clothed.
What do we call that guy? An Asshole! Yeah, that's right. That guy is an asshole. We as a society don't want to see that guy. We would rather have our beloved sporting event interrupted by the naked guy, the streaker. Get off the field, you clothed dick! Bring in the naked guy. Call us when you have no clothes on. If you are going to cause a disruption, make an effort. We want to see the fat naked guy run around the soccer field and then get tackled by some unfortunate rent-a-cop. That's pretty awkward for the poor security schlub that can actually run. If it were me, I'd just taze the guy and leave it at that. Let the medical people cart him off. They are used to that kind of thing.

You don't see streakers at certain sporting events, though. They are usually found at soccer matches or maybe the occasional baseball or football game. You don't see them at the Women's Gymnastics events at the Olympics. That would just be creepy. Some middle-aged fat naked dude running among 14 year-old Chinese tumbling freaks. Of course, a nude guy running across a soccer field isn't just a little creepy in itself. You also don't see streakers at swimming meets. I would give extra credit points to a streaker that dove in the pool au natural and swum a few laps.

In recent years, streakers have started putting advertisements on their body for websites and other stuff. So now we technically have professional streakers. You might be at a party and meet someone new.

Friend- "Hey this is Bob."

You-"Well hey Bob. What do you do?"

Bob-"I am in advertising."

You- "Oh really, what companies have you done ads for?"

Bob- "Oh, Golden Palace.com"

You- "What do you do, print, TV, billboards, radio?"

Bob- "No, I do more of a live advertisement. You know, live events. Kind of a billboard, you could say."

WARNING! Half naked man with chicken cod-piece may reside below!!! You have been warned!!!!

WARNING! No really! He may have a diaper on his head, too.

WARNING! You don't believe me, do you? You will when you see the clothespins.

BOB?

The irony is that everyone gets upset when we see a one-millionth of a second flash of Janet Jackson's boob. But, heaven forbid you have a streaker that has his clothes on. That guy's a dick. You want to see the naked guy. There must be some sort of homo-erotic thing going on there. Everyone is laughing their asses off, watching this guy for 5 minutes, while the security people are chasing him around the field like some modern day Keystone Cops. No, we have a freaking fit over what we may or may have not seen when Janet had her little, "malfunction."

It's That Time Again!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 12:46:00 -0500

If you are a lover of music like I am, you may want to, at some point in your life, go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. While there, you may expect to see all of the inductees that have had huge success, a long career, and/or were influential to many others. You might expect to see the following artists:

Herbie Hancock(n), Ella Fitzgerald(n), John Coltrane(n), Pat Boone, Sammy Davis Jr.(n), Chubby Checker(n), Paul Revere and the Raiders(n), Willie Nelson(n), Patti LaBelle(n), Wayne Newton(n), The Moody Blues, Cher(n), Randy Newman, Iron Butterfly, Jethro Tull, Steppenwolf(n), Steve Miller Band, Chicago, Grand Funk Railroad(n), Joe Cocker, Yes, Diana Ross(n), Jimmy Buffett(n), The Doobie Brothers, ELO, Meat Loaf(n), REO Speedwagon(n), Thin Lizzy(n), Blue Oyster Cult(n), Peter Frampton(n), Styx(n), Scorpions(n), Bachman-Turner Overdrive(n), Barry Manilow(n), Barry White, The Pointer Sisters(n), Rush(n), Tina Turner, Bad Company, The Commodores, Judas Priest(n), Kansas(n), KISS, Robert Palmer(n), Journey(n), Ted Nugent(n).

That would be one hell of a Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, none of these artists have been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Do you see the names with the "(n)" after them? These artists haven't even been CONSIDERED for the HOF, much less nominated. This list, by the way, is just a short sample of those that are not in. This list also is made up entirely of artists that have been eligible for over 10 years. IF you add those that have been eligible for less than 10 years, you get these folks:

Air Supply(n), Boston(n), Heart(n), Kenny Loggins(n), Luther Vandross(n), Peter Tosh, Sammy Hagar(n), .38 Special(n), Cheap Trick, Foreigner(n), George Thorogood(n), Peter Gabriel, Black Flag(n), The Cars, The Cure, Devo, Rick James(n), The B52's, Bryan Adams(n), The Dead Kennedys(n), Def Leppard, Iron Maiden, Twisted Sister(n), Weird Al(n), Billy Squier(n), The Go-go's(n), Huey Lewis and the News(n), INXS(n), Joan Jett and the Blackhearts(n), Loverboy(n), Ozzy Osbourne(n), UB40(n), The Bangles(N), Billy Idol(N), Depeche Mode, Duran Duran(n), Eurythmics, Lionel Richie(n), Ministry(n), Motley Crue(n), , George Clinton(n), Janet Jackson(n), Sting(n), Dio(n), Slayer(n), Stevie Ray Vaughan, 2 Live Crew(n), Pet Shop Boys(n), Red Hot Chili Peppers(n), Steve Vai(n).

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame did nominate KISS last year, but they didn't make it. I will give them credit for nominating Alice Cooper this year, but I doubt he will be voted in by the same people who do not think, KISS, Rush, Journey, Deep Purple, and Stevie Ray Vaughan deserve to be in a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. These same voters thought that ABBA was more deserving to be inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame.
There is bound to be some disappointment with this years class. The nominees for 2011 are;

Alice Cooper

Beastie Boys

Bon Jovi

Chic

Neil Diamond

Donovan

Dr. John

J. Geils Band

LL Cool J

Darlene Love

Laura Nyro

Donna Summer

Joe Tex

Tom Waits

Chuck Willis

I won't go into my thoughts on, "non-rock and roll" artists in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the fact that they should just change their name to the Pop or Popular Music Hall of Fame.

/Alpaca Buggerer

Abhorrent Family Stickers

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 16:30:00 -0500

Have you seen these little family stick figures on the back of vans and SUV's? I am sure you have. They are usually a Mommy, Daddy, a kid or two, and a pet or pets. Like this:

Very cute. Until recently, I thought that these little stick people represented the family in the car. What I saw the other day made me rethink this. I saw a full-size Chevy Suburban with stick figures of 2 adults, 8 children, and a dog on the rear window. This caused me to pause and try to come to grips with what that was saying. Is that a family with 8 children? They sure would like you to think that. The truth, I believe, is far more heinous. I believe these people are using an artistic technique that became popular with the fighter pilots in World War 2. See exhibit A below:

The above photo show a picture of the aircraft of Marine Corps Major Gregory "Pappy" Boyington. Pappy was one of the most famous "aces" of World War II. He was commander of the famed "Black Sheep" squadron which was immortalized in a 1970's television series. If you look closely at the photo, you will see several rows of Japanese flags painted under the cockpit of Major Boyington's plane. Each one of those flags represents an enemy aircraft that the Major shot down during combat, also known as a "kill."

This leads me to the stickers now seen on many SUV's and vans today. I believe that there is a secret underground group that are documenting their activities on their vehicles. I have come to the conclusion that these stickers do not represent the family in the automobile, but in fact are tallies of the pedestrian "kills," the driver has made. The SUV I saw with the 2 adults, 8 children, and dog, has to be the "Pappy" Boyington of killer SUV drivers. I mean 8 kids? C'mon, who are you trying to fool.

The Alpaca Buggerer.

Podcast 7-20-10

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 17:04:00 -0500

The first Alpaca Buggerer Podcast.

Fast Brits, flying donkeys, and more on this edition of The Alpaca Buggerer. But first a word from one of our fine sponsors.

Commercial

A team of British scientists and engineers has created a full-scale model for a 1000mph car they intend to use to shatter the land speed record of 763 mph set back in 1997. Some experts say they may also break the record for most horrific crash.

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Indonesia's Muslims learned on Friday they have been praying in the wrong direction

Muslims are supposed to face the holy city of Mecca in Saudi Arabia while praying, but they actually have been facing Somalia or Kenya.

The mix up came to light when a visitor from The United States was showing a local Muslim official, the compass app. on his I-Phone.

-----------------------------------------------

We'll be right back after this short commercial time -out:

Commercial

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Heroic mailman saves 3 lives while on the job

Keith McVey a postal worker from Akron, Ohio is hailed as a local hero. He has saved 3 lives in the last 20 years while on his route. When asked about the deeds of the mailman, an unidentified supervisor said that they would, unfortunately, have to fire the veteran mail-carrier. When asked why, the supervisor said that McVey's behaviour was doing damage to the service's long cultivated tradition of "going postal."

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Breaking News!

This just in, 3 doves arrested for planning a coup.

-------------------------------------------

Russian officials are investigating possible animal cruelty in the case of a donkey seen parasailing over a beach in Southern Russia.

An unidentified official claimed that the parasailing donkey was not a new type of stealth aircraft. He went on to say that the technology is old and had been developed for anti-aircraft cannon training.

-------------------------------------------------

More news after the break.

Commercial

And now an opinion piece:

Opinion:

There is an age old question that needs to be answered. Many have tried but none have gotten the definitive answer. On one hand it has been said that "Bird" is "The Word." On the other hand, it has been claimed that "Grease" is "The Word." Now you might say, "wait a minute, I though that 'Word Up' was The Word." You would be wrong, as it is well documented that "Word Up," is actually the "Code Word" and not "The Word." But I digress. So now we have bird versus grease. Grease versus bird. How can we solve this age old conundrum? Hmmm. What if both side are correct? What if we put "The Bird," in "The Grease?" What would we get? We would get fried chicken! That's right, fired chicken. So now you know how to answer when someone asks you, "What’s the word?" You can answer with all confidence that "Fried Chicken” is, in fact, “The word.”

Yo VIP! Let's kick it!

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 14:41:00 -0500

The Tampa Bay Rays are gonna say Ice Ice Baby! The Major League Baseball team is going to have early 90's "rapper," Vanilla Ice perform after a game as part of a concert series to boost attendance.

You know your team sucks when you have to get Vanilla Ice to perform in order to try to increase attendance. Can you say scraping the bottom of the barrel? Was Snow (Video Here) not available? Was Kriss Kross (Video Here) booked solid? Was the team not able to come to terms with the perfect early 90's rap/baseball tie in, 3rd Bass (Video Here) ?

I guess the team was Under Pressure to stop, collaborate, and listen to its fans, all 950 of them. I wish the Rays good luck with their promo and hopefully it bring spark the yearned for Another Bad Creation reunion tour.

Peace out,
-The Alpaca Buggerer

Dearly beloved, we are here to mourn the Internet.

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Tue, 6 Jul 2010 20:02:00 -0500

In an interview with the UK's Daily Mirror, pop music icon Prince says that he will never sell his music online, saying the Internet is no longer "hip."

"The Internet's like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated."

However, I think it is safe to ammend his statement to read, "Prince is like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated."

What is his new stat-of-the-art method of music distribution? Newspaper. His new CD is to be included for free in the UK's Daily Mirror.

So apparently, the Internet is dead, but newspaper is the way of the future. The purple one has now officially lost his marbles. If he wanted to be completely cutting-edge, he should just issue it on 8-track, cassette tape, or even Mini-disc. I, for one, demand it be released on wax cylinder.

-The Alpaca Buggerer

Promiscuous Olives Disrupt Extra Virgin Olive Oil Production

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Mon, 5 Jul 2010 15:39:00 -0500

Where will Lebron go? Francophile Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Thu, 1 Jul 2010 22:55:00 -0500

Now that the free agent sweepstakes, free-for-all, and melee has started in the NBA, I figured that I would have to add my expert opinion on where the most talked about free agent, a certain Mr. Lebron James, will wind up playing next season.

There are many who speculate that Lebron, which comes from the French for "the bron," will follow the money and just sign with the highest bidder. There are others who insist that Lebron, who is not from France, wants to win a championship and doesn't really care about the money as he is already making at least $40,000 per millisecond and stands to make even more, wherever he ends up.

I fall into the second camp, mainly because they have s'mores making paraphenlia. I think Monsiuer James, of not even French Canadian background, wants to win. I think that he will want to sign with a team that gives him the best chance to win. He doesn't want to be part of a rebuilding project. He will go to a proven winner. A team from a major market (No, Paris doesn't have an NBA team) where he can also get the exposure that he deserves. A team that, with Lebron on the court, will be almost a shoe-in to win. As a result of my tireless and expert analysis, I predict that Lebron James will sign with...

The Harlem Globetrotters. You heard it here first.

Adieu!
-The Alpaca Buggerer.

The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Blog Post

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 14:48:00 -0500

West Viriginia Senator Robert Byrd has died at the age of 92. He was the longest serving Senator in history. I think it would be fitting for West Virginia to memorialize him by naming a monument, building, or road after him.

From:

http://soulofthesenate.org/named.html

What's Named After Senator Byrd?
Robert C. Byrd Academic and Technology Center
Robert C. Byrd addition to the lodge at Oglebay Park, Wheeling
Byrd Aerospace Technology Center
Robert C. Byrd Bridge between Huntington and Chesapeake, Ohio
Robert C. Byrd Cancer Research Center
Robert C. Byrd Clinical Addition to the veteran's hospital in Huntington
Robert C. Byrd Community Center, Pine Grove
Robert C. Byrd Community Center in the naval station, Sugar Grove
Robert C. Byrd Drive, from Beckley to Sophia (Byrd's hometown)
Robert C. Byrd Expressway, U.S. 22 near Weirton
Robert C. Byrd Federal Building
Robert C. Byrd Federal Courthouse
Robert C. Byrd Freeway

A drive, expressway, and a freeway. That about takes care of roadways.

Robert C. Byrd Green Bank Telescope
Robert C. Byrd Hardwood Technologies Center, near Princeton
Robert C. Byrd Health Sciences Center of West Virginia
Robert C. Byrd High school in Bridgeport
Robert C. Byrd Highway

Seriously? I forgot about the highway.

Robert C. Byrd Hilltop Office Complex, Mineral County
Robert C. Byrd Honors Scholarships
Robert C. Byrd Industrial Park, Hardy County
Robert C. Byrd Institute in Charleston
Robert C. Byrd Institute for Advanced Flexible Manufacturing
Robert C. Byrd Library and Robert C. Byrd Learning Resource Center
Robert C. Byrd Life Long Learning Center
Robert C. Byrd Locks and Dam

Damn! are we there yet?

Robert C. Byrd National Technology Transfer Center
Robert C. Byrd Rural Health Center
Robert C. Byrd Scholastic Recognition Award
Byrd Science Center, Shepherd University
Robert C. Byrd Technology Center at Alderson-Broaddus College
Robert C. Byrd United Technical Center
Robert C. Byrd Visitor Center at Harpers Ferry National Historic Park

I don't see any bodies of water listed so maybe a river or lake could be named after him. Maybe a Boulevard or Avenue? How about the Robert C. Byrd memorial Cul-De-Sac? Shit, just rename the state of West Viriginia after him and be done with it. It will get the state out from under the shadow of its namesake to the East. As for me, I will just name this post after him.

-The Alpaca Buggerer

Naughty Nursery Rhyme?

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Wed, 26 May 2010 13:16:00 -0500

Like many parents, when my son was just a baby, I would read him nursery rhymes. We had a book full of them that we would choose from. There was one in there that I had never heard before. It is called, "I Love Little Pussy." Have you heard of this? I had to look it up and found that it dated from the 1830's. It is in fact a legitimate nursery rhyme. Who came up with this? If you have read it, you know that it sounds dirty. If you haven't, here it is.

I love little pussy,
Her coat is so warm,
And if I don't hurt her,
She'll do me no harm.
So I'll not pull her tail,
nor drive her away,
But pussy and I,
Very gently will play.

I'll sit by the fire
and give her some food
and Pussy will love me
because I am good.

Obviously this is from an older generation. Talking about pussy's warm coat. Of course they didn't have modern grooming techniques (Brazilian wax jobs) back then. So pussy was a little furry. I think the moral of this nursery rhyme is to treat your pussy nice. Don't abuse it, be gentle, and you will enjoy your pussy's company for many years.

The Modern Public Restroom

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Sun, 2 May 2010 23:06:00 -0500

     Back in the day, science fiction books, movies, and TV shows would provide visions of the future. They predicted wonderful things such as flying cars, teleportation, and time travel. They were wrong. They didn’t show the one area of life that has become a futuristic, automated wonder. They missed the restroom. Look at the modern public restroom. Everything is automatic. Auto-flush toilets, automatic faucets, and even automatic dryers for your hands. If the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey was to be accurate, HAL should have been a computer bathroom attendant. "What are you doing Dave? Leaving without washing your hands? This is highly irregular." "Open the bathroom door HAL!"
     The problem with the modern public restroom is that these fantastic devices don't always work as intended. Take the auto-flush toilet. They seem to want to flush while you are still sitting on them. Of course, they can't be a normal toilet; they have to have a nitro-methane, jet assist flushing mechanism. So when they do trigger while you are still making a deposit, you feel like you are going to be sucked into the municipal sewer system. Luckily, you are sitting where it doesn't matter that the volume of the flush would have made you soil your pants.
     The automatic faucet is another modern restroom "convenience," that can cause momentary bits of rage. In theory, they provide a steady stream of water while your hands are underneath them. In practice, they are designed to test the sanity of even the most stable person. You step to the sink, wave your hands under the faucet, and whoosh, the water starts. You soap up and rinse. Whoosh, the water is still going. You turn to dry your hands. Whoosh, the water is still going. You walk out of the restroom. Whoosh, the water is still going. Who can't feel guilty about wasting this precious resource? This can make one regret washing one's hands. At the other end of the spectrum is the miserly faucet. These are even more evil than their brethren. You wave your hands under the faucet and are rewarded with what can only be described as a spritz of water. It isn't even long enough to get a finger wet. So you have to keep waving your hands under the faucet, getting them wet one drop at a time. Occasionally, these faucets go one step further in their quest to destroy mankind, through psychological warfare.
     There are a certain number of faucets that like to play a game of cat and mouse. You wave your hands under them and nothing happens. A second, maybe two, later the spritz of water shoots out. Now here is where the game gets potentially deadly. The spritz only lasts long enough for you to get your hands close to the faucet. As soon as your hands cross the plane of the water's stream, the faucet cuts off. And so it starts. You wave, spritz, Damn! Just for giggles, the faucet will occasionally not do anything when you swipe your hands through its detection beam. You now have to find the "sweet spot," of the faucet. Now this "sweet spot," is the proverbial needle in a haystack. You are standing there, waving your hands violently around the faucet, looking like a fool to those who enter the restroom. This is the goal of the evil faucet. Public humiliation.
     Now that you have given up on washing your hands, you need to dry the 3 drops of water that mistakenly found their way to your hands. You step to one of two drying implements. The automatic air dryer or the automatic towel dispenser. We will deal with the air dryer first. The automatic hand air dryer works on a simple premise. It uses forced, sometimes heated air, to blow-dry your hands. They create less waste than paper towels and don't rely on the cold blooded murder of innocent, peace loving, tax-paying trees. Air dryers fall into one of two categories, the emphysemic variety and what I like to call the Katrina models. The emphysemic dryers provide a gentle breeze to lovingly whisk the dew away from your precious hands. THEY DON'T WORK! You would get them dry faster if you blew on them yourself or just waved your arms around in a circle. On the other end of the spectrum is the model made from recycled engines from the Concorde. These dryers produce a gale of such velocity that they will rip the skin right off of your hands along with the water. These dryers work too well. As a side-effect, they are so loud that they will make you deaf within 4 seconds of use. I recommend ear protection.

     The other option for drying your hands is the automatic paper towel dispenser. Here you will encounter some of the same problem as other automatic restroom implements. Like the evil faucets, automatic towel dispensers, can have the dreaded "sweet spot." You have to wave your hands under them several times to get a towel. Sometimes, the manufacturer has programmed a delay into the sensor so that you have to wait a few seconds before it will dispense another towel. This allows you to look like a buffoon while waving your hands around the dispenser. When it finally decides to give you a towel, you will be overjoyed to receive a total of 3 square millimeters of paper towel. Once you have dried one of your fingernails, you will require another towel. And so begins again the wild waving of hands, as the delay timer has not yet reached zero.

     Even though automatic features are very prevalent in today's society, you will occasionally come upon a restroom that doesn't have some or any of the modern automatic features we have been talking about. You will, however, not realize this until it is too late. The makers of these devices have styled some non-automatic products to look very much like the automatic counterparts. This is especially true of the paper towel dispensers. Many a fool has been made by wildly waving his or her hands around an innocent, unintelligent, old school paper towel dispenser. You know the kind, where you have to pull the paper out. There is no tell tale lever or other mechanism to let you know that you are dealing with a, gasp, manual unit. So you find yourself waving at this thing like a maniac for several seconds. Just long enough for someone else to enter. The damage has been done. You can tell by the looks that you get, that they are wondering where your guardian might be.
     One can only speculate at what the future holds for the public restroom. There is only so much more that can be automated. Might we have auto-wiping toilets? How will they know when you are done? Will they wipe at inappropriate times like the auto-flush? How will they know if you are male or female? And is there a medical hazard from all of these lasers being aimed at our genitals? Will there be auto-shaking urinals? How will they work, a robot hand? Will the robot hand be warmed? Will it compensate for “size?” What if it malfunctions? Will it rip the member right off? Will the future be populated by a number of “restroom eunuchs?” No one knows what the future will bring, but we can only hope that these machines will never become self-aware and consciously plot our destruction. Now if HAL would only open the damn door…

Pomeranians Replacing Pit Bulls in 'Hood

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 21:39:00 -0500

President Obama: "This is what change looks like." No, Mr. President, that is buttsex.

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 07:48:00 -0500

Way to go Congress! Way to pass a law that purposely destroys an industry! I set the over/under on single-payer, government run health care at 10 years. I'll take the under. Any takers? Let's look at some facts from this AP news report:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100320/ap_on_bi_ge/us_health_overhaul_glance

businesse...s are not required to offer coverage. They will be assessed a fee of $2000 per employee if they don't offer insurance. The basic math says that is less than what an employer pays for an average health plan for an employee. That means that financially, it would be dumb for a company to offer it's employees insurance.
So, now that your employer has dropped insurance, what do you do? You complain to your congresscritter. You join the now 200 million uninsured, due to the laws, "unintended consequences." The insurance companies have stopped providing health plans because they are a money loser. Congress now HAS TO ACT! The only answer is single-payer, government run health care because the "evil insurance companies and corporations that have no regard for the well being of the American people."
Once you have single-payer government health care, anything that you enjoy, that might harm you is fair game. Bacon? Taxed to high-heaven or gone. Anything with sugar in it, taxed or gone. "Risky," behaviors such as motorcycles, mountain climbing, skydiving, surfing are regulated or outright banned because they increase health care costs. You also need to prepare for long waits for care and don't think that just because it is government run that you will actually get care. Medicare and Medicaid deny claims for care all of the time. As the costs go up, things will have to be rationed as there just isn't the money.

I'd like to give a big attaboy to Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson. His being bribed with the "Cornhusker Kickback," delivered the deciding vote in the senate for the health care bill. Only to say that he Now, his bribe is going to be removed from the bill. Way to go! The only reason the bill passed the Senate in the first place is going to be removed.

So, way to go congress.

Jason's Census Tips

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 21:37:00 -0500

Note: I am not an official with the Census Bureau. The answers contained below may or may not be correct. Please consult your lawyer before filling out your census form.

Jason's Census Tip #1.

Question: According to the instructions on the form you must, "Count all people, INCLUDING BABIES, who live AND sleep here MOST OF THE TIME." I have a baby who lives here, but he/she seems to hardly sleep. Do I still count him/her?

Answer: That depends. You need to measure how much the baby sleeps on the night of April 1st. If it is over 50%, then the baby is counted. If the baby sleeps less than 50%, then you have an undocumented child and will be hearing from the proper authorities. I suggest Benadryl.

Jason's Census Tip #2.

Question: The instructions state, "Do not count anyone living in a nursing home, jail, prison, detention facility, etc., on April 1, 2010." What is their definition of prison? Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in my own hellish prison at home. Should I not count myself?

Answer: Even though the census form doesn't make an explicit definition of what constitutes a "prison," you can be safe to assume that they mean an actual penitentiary. You should count yourself, unless, of course, you are losing sleep over the definition of prison on April 1st.

Jason's Census Tip #3.

Question: The forms states, "If someone who has no permanent place to stay is staying here on April 1, 2010, count that person. Otherwise, he or she may be missed in the census." By tradition, my family has hosted a randomly chosen urban outdoorsman from March 1st to April 2nd. Since he will be leaving right after the census date, should we count him?

Answer: That depends. The instructions clearly state that you should count those who don't have a permanent palce to stay who are living with you. However, you need to determine how well he is sleeping on the night of the 1st. If he sleeps like a baby (unless it is the baby that is NOT sleeping, then this analogy doesn't work) you should count him. If he stays up all night drinking Mad Dog, leering at your teenaged daughter, and playing X-box, then you do not count him and wait for him to be deported to Guatemala.

Jason's Census Tip #4.

Question: "Question number 3 on the form asks, "Is this house, apartment, or mobile home-" and then there is a place to mark if it is owned with a mortgage, owned outright, rented, or occupied without rent. My question is, I am living in a tent in a shanty town, how do I answer this?"

Answer: OK, this one is easy. Since you are not paying rent or a mortgage, you should select the box for occupied without payment of rent. This selection also pertains to abandond crack houses and any property claimed under "squatters rights."

Follow-up Question: I thought that we didn't have to answer this question. Isn't the only question that requires and answer the one about how many people sleep there long enough to be counted as living there? What if your husband is Bill Clinton? How do you count where he sleeps?

Answer: Since I don't live with, nor am I married to Bill Clinton, I am not planning on answering about where he sleeps. However, He may end up at our place on April 1st. That is why it is important to wait to fill out the census. Of course, how well he sleeps when he is here will determine that answer also.

Jason's Census Tip #5.

Question: The form asks for your age and then your date of birth. Wouldn't just one of those be required? I mean, can't they just get your age from your date of birth?

Answer: What are you, a smart-aleck? It is obviously to catch those of you who lie about your age. There are people who have been 29 for so many years that they now believe it.

Jason's Census Tip #6.

Question: Oh wise Census Guy: Question #10 asks: Does Person 1 sometimes live or stay somewhere else? Well sometimes he stays in a hotel/motel when he travels. Do we still count him?

Answer: Great question and one that pertains to your very own Census Guy. Since the person lives primarily at the residence, then yes, you should count that person. But, also make sure to check the box under question 10, "For another Reason." This would include those who travel regularly and those who sometimes live in vans down by the river. OF course, this all depends on how well the person slept on the night of the 1st. See previous Tips for more information.

Jason's Census Tip #7.

Question: Census guy. I'm a musician. I live out of the back of my van. Will I be getting a census form on my windshield, or should I make sure to get counted in the club I'm playing at on the first?

Answer: Good question. Since the club is not a residence, they will not receive a census form. What you need to do is find a home to crash in for that night and have them count you. Make sure that they also mark Question 10 yes and select that "this person sometimes lives somewhere else." This selection covers those with a mobile living arrangement such as a van down by the river.

Follow-up Question: Nice catch on question 10. "Does Person 1 sometimes live or stay". Would this be applicable for the Illinois' governor's mansion as well?

Answer: The Governor's business in none of your business. Now, would you like to be deported?

Jason's Census Tip #8

Question: Census Guy: Q 6 regards a person's sex. Will hermaphrodites be able to sue the Census for lack of representation? Only options are M and F.

Answer: This is a sticky subject for the Census Bureau. The forms says to only check ONE box, male or female. A hermaphrodite would have to check both, but that choice is not available. After much research, it was found that hermaphrodites don't usually sleep well, so they will not actually be counted in the census and will be deported to Gibraltar. See previous Tips for discussion on the issue of sleep and the census.

Jason's Census tip #9

Question: What if there are more than 12 people sleeping at this residence on April 1st?

Answer: Please refer to the Spanish Language form for details.

Jason's Census Tip #10

Question: One more question Census Guy. I just asked my husband if we had received our Census form. He replied in the affirmative and then went on to tell me that he had already sent it in. Will we be prosecuted?

Answer: It depends on what he answered and how you sleep the night of the 1st. Also, try not to get arrested before then. Unless, of course, he answered in a way that anticipated the arrest.

Winnie the Pooh and Addiction too

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Sun, 7 Mar 2010 12:07:00 -0600

Recently, it was announced that, for the first time in over 80 years, there would be a new Winnie the Pooh novel coming out.
Apparently it is going to be updated for modern times. Eeyore will battle addiction to anti-depressants. It will expose, for the first time, Tigger's meth habit, and the main story will focus on Pooh's honey "problem."

Poll: Chileans unhappy with gov't's quake response

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Sun, 7 Mar 2010 12:07:00 -0600

In a poll released Sunday, Most Chileans are unhappy with the response to the earthquake. In the poll, 20 percent believed that aid agencies were too slow to respond. 17 percent said that the extensive damage caused the delays. 63 percent blamed George Bush.

From the Soylent Green Files

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Sun, 7 Mar 2010 12:06:00 -0600

A Western Massachusetts funeral home is trying "bring life" to business with a chili cook-off. Now you can be buried, cremated, or simmered.

Among other other events sponsored by the funeral home are monthly birthday cakes to the Pittsfield Senior Center. Inscribed on each cake is, "We hope to see you soon!"

My inner A**hole

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Sun, 7 Mar 2010 12:05:00 -0600

I think I am too much of a nice guy. I have been trying to get in touch with my inner asshole. Unfortunately, I found my prostate and haven't left my house in 3 days.

Hamas Bans Male Hairdressers

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Sun, 7 Mar 2010 12:05:00 -0600

Just what Gaza needs, more interior decorators.

Canada Proposes New National Anthem

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Sun, 7 Mar 2010 12:04:00 -0600

New transgendered maple leaf flag, with breasts, also to debut soon. Government spokesperson claims the new flag, "does not have an Adam's apple."

Rise of the Nondependents

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 19:17:00 -0600

Let me start off by apologizing for political content. I will try to keep this blog as a light-hearted page, but occasionally I will delve into the evil underworld of politics. If you could care less, then just skip this one. There, you have been warned. If you are still with me then... well you'll see.

This past year has seen the birth of a true grass-roots movement that has influenced elections, legislation, and even caused a supermajority in congress to fail to live up to it's potential. Of course, I am talking about the Tea Party movement, or Tea Baggers, if you disagree with them.

The problem is their name. It was a good idea at first because it brought about the images of the Boston Tea Party and a fed-up populace displaying rage against the uncaring, distant leaders. The left, fully supported by the media, soon turned the name into a joke by renaming them tea-baggers. Tea-baggers, to the uninitiated, is a term for a sexual act involving a part of a man's anatomy and a mouth. By design, this was not a flattering description for the new movement.

I propose a new name that also is descriptive and gets down to the core ideals that the Tea Party was founded on. The Tea Party is an independent movement, not affiliated with any political party. However using a word like independent is loaded, as it is a catch-all for anyone who doesn't consider themselves a Republican or Democrat. It could be a die-hard Communist or a Nazi, or a Naderite, or a Libertarian, or a moderate. It doesn't really describe who they are.

The word I propose is nondependent. It is the opposite of dependent. It describes someone who does not want the state "taking care of them." They don't want government doing "the people's business." Shouldn't the government be doing the government's business, which is let the people do "the people's business?" I plan on using this new term right away. Let me be the first to call my self a nondependent.

The Alpaca Buggerer

Ban the Killer Okra!

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Zenda) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 14:25:00 -0600