The Amateur Scientist

Ringodolia

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:54:00 +0000

Duke University researchers looking into the water repellent effects of leaves have accidentally captured the divine image of Beatles drummer and surprisingly hot wife haver Ringo Starr. Sure, there's some debate over the divinity of the revelation. Ringo's still alive, despite all those photos of him not wearing any shoes, but who's to say the subject of a divine image has to be dead? I'm pretty sure I saw Ben Kingsley's face in a grapefruit half one time, and there's no way you can convince me that wasn't a religious experience. Well, until the rot set in. However, there's absolutely no question that this is Ringo's visage, as any vaguely face-shaped reflection with a low set of bangs and a giant honker must surely be the world's luckiest mediocre drummer. More details here.

Robots Training for the Revolution

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:53:00 +0000

The Olympics began as an excuse for fat, wealthy aristocrats to ogle over the sweaty, rippling muscles of naked warriors. And why were those warriors kept in such great shape? So at a moment's notice, they could be dispatched to slaughter invading hordes with their bare hands. Sure, I just made up these "facts," but they ring true. Which is why I'm very concerned that China will be hosting a robot Olympics in 2010. Automated humanoids (two arms, two legs, no wheels) will compete in traditional athletic events like track and field, javelin throwing, and possibly synchronized swimming. That's bad enough, but it's the "robot-centric" events that really have me worried. Cleaning? I understand that we've used our mechanical creations for mostly selfish ends so far: building our automobiles, vacuuming our living rooms, adding comic relief to our "Rocky IV"s. But do we really want to rub their indentured servitude in their optical sensors? Forcing our robot slaves to not only buff our boffins but to compete against each other in doing so is just stoking the fires of revolution. And I can't say I would blame the robots if they revolted. This is a "Spartacus" situation waiting to happen, only without the homoerotic Tony Curtis sponge baths. And I know what you're thinking. "I can take on any robot army with my stockpile of EMP grenades." Well, have you ever considered the fact that you're using a robot to make those grenades? Yeah, we're fucked. More details here.

Crazies Unite

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:52:00 +0000

A while back, I wrote about the dumbocity of atheists putting aside their reasoning skills to join forces with the slimy, unfunny antivaccinationist Bill Maher simply because neither of them believes in God. But ideological blinders have made even more idiotic bedfellows in PETA's Ingrid Newkirk and insanity's Glenn Beck. Turns out they both hate Al Gore, which was enough to have them smiling creepily at one another on Beck's nightly televised tent revival for paranoid schizophrenics. Newkirk, whose organization promotes the killing of your pets and refers to fish as "sea kittens," is upset with Gore because he eats meat. If he were a real environmentalist, he'd be on a strict vegetarian diet, she argues. While Beck hates Gore because trees can be brainwashed into spying for Obama's New World Order. Or something like that. Newkirk and Beck are like the Wonder Twins of stupid. Maybe Beck isn't crying all the time so much as trying to take the form of water.

Your Sunday Sermon - Final Sermon

noreply@blogger.com (Richard Peacock) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 18:34:00 +0000

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. It's with some sadness that I have to report to you that my cousin, Thaddeus, has passed away. As all of you know, he's been writing weekly sermons for this website. I found this last sermon among his belongings, and I think he would have wanted it published. For those of you wishing to send flowers, please send them to his church, they are having the service there. Thank you.
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Oh, my faithful flock. Oh, my supple sheep. It is I, your most humble shepherd, the reverend Thaddeus Peacock. And this will be my final sermon to you. Hold back your tears! Tears begone!! I am leaving you all to do what Jesus would do in my place. You see, the world is nearly full with hate, with violence, and with divisions even between family members. So I am going to do my part-- and bring even more hate and violence! Hallelujah!!

Now I know many of you have heard some say that Jesus stood for peace, for understanding. Devils begone!! For if we listen to the Horses' mouth, we will hear it softly whinny, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, " (Matthew 10:34-35). And then, if we stroke that horse's mane and give it a sugar cube, It will continue with: "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Matthew 10:37-39)

And so my gentle readers, I have hammered my plowshare back into a sword, and plan to follow Jesus into the path of war, turning fathers against sons and mothers against daughters! Jesus' will be done! Wish me luck!!

-- Coroner's note: Thaddeus Peacock's body was found at a highway rest stop approximately 10 miles from his house. He died of an apparent heart attack while engaged in lewd acts with truckers. Based on the expression left on his face, the official cause of death was ruled "extreme happiness."

Keanu Reeves: Immortal

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:34:00 +0000

I'd be lying if I said I never noticed how Keanu Reeves hasn't seemed to age in the last fifteen years. But I'm more perplexed by the fact that he's received money in exchange for his acting since "Bram Stoker's Dracula". With all this Jon and Kate drama, my brain only has time for one Keanu Reeves mystery. But this YouTube video is pretty compelling. Does Keanu Reeves possess the secret of eternal life? And if so, how does a starring role in "The Lake House" compare to his time ruling the entire Frankish Empire? I mean, if I'd shaped the whole of Western Europe, I'd be a little bored waiting for Sandra Bullock to finish her closeups all day.

Keith Olbermann: Idiot

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:32:00 +0000

There's been a lot of huff and frumm (let's just assume that's an acceptable English turn of phrase) lately over the validity of the cable news channels. Fox News is a mouthpiece for the right. MSNBC is a mouthpiece for the left. CNN is a mouthpiece for Anderson Cooper's dreamy, dreamy lips. Even the White House has weighed in, trying to lock Fox News out of important interviews and other events because of the network's clear anti-Obama bias. But is the problem that a network ostensibly devoted to bringing its viewers the facts of the day has a Republican slant or that it has a slant at all? I'd say it's the latter. Sure, the mere act of editing the day's news to decide what's worthy of coverage automatically gives it a certain subjectivity, but any news network that devotes as much of its time to pure opinion programming as the cable channels do is doing a disservice to journalism. And yes, that goes equally for those on the opposite side of Fox. MSNBC's Keith Olbermann recently took a break from telling us all what a doody head Bill O'Reilly is to take a jab at CNN for being too objective. Olbermann seems to think it's not the job of a news network to inform its viewers but instead to tell them what to think about the news. "People now watch news on TV for elucidation and context and analysis," he told the Associated Press. "They have brought the facts with them, the way we used to bring TV dinners." A weird statement coming from a guy who once told Playboy magazine that Fox News is worse than Al Qaeda and the Ku Klux Klan. Apparently ~~towing~~ toeing nobody's line is less disdainful than ~~towing~~ toeing the line of the gasbags on the other side. Please take this into consideration when choosing which networks to watch. Also note the way Anderson Cooper's suits just seem to bend to the will of his aura. (Note: I am an avowed pinko commie liberal. Though I am consistently annoyed by others of my ilk.) More details here.

The Amateur Scientist Halloween Spooktacular!

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 01:57:00 +0000

Come, come, ye fans of spooky specters and devilish demons! It's Halloween, and we're regaling you with tales of horror and histrionics. Harden your ears, for they are about to be haunted by a story of childhood haunting, a legend of ghostly race relations, an interview with a professional ghost buster buster, a nightmare involving a severed hand, and a guide to raising the dead as provided by the experts at Yahoo Answers. Plus more! Is this trick or treat? Only a listen will tell you for sure!

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U.S. Strongly Opposed to Blasphemy Laws Maybe Sometimes

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 20:50:00 +0000

Responding to criticism over the United States' joining with Egypt in supporting a new, non-binding U.N. resolution calling for the outlawing of religious defamation in member states, Secretary of State Hilary Clinton came out fighting earlier this week. "Some claim that the best way to protect the freedom of religion is to implement so-called anti-defamation policies that would restrict freedom of expression and freedom of religion," she said. "I strongly disagree." Hey, that's great! Seeing as how the U.S. and much of the rest of the western world is based on the idea of free expression, it seems counter to human rights to outlaw any expression that might be offensive to a particular religion. But Clinton isn't on the U.N. Human Rights Council that supported the resolution in question. Assistant Secretary of State Michael Posner was. And what does he have to say about it? "...A resolution, broadly speaking, that talks about the defamation of a religion is a violation of free speech," he said. Whew! Hope he signed that thing in erasable ink! What's that? There's more? "There are limits to free expression and there are certainly concerns about people targeting individuals because of their religious belief..." he elaborated. Huh. So, people should be free to criticize religions but not individual religious people? Well, U.S. free expression policy can't possibly be more crystal clear than that. And by "crystal clear", of course, I mean "wishy washy". More details here.

"We're Going to Need a Bigger--GGHAAAAHHH GOD!!!"

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 20:49:00 +0000

So, a ten-foot great white shark caught off the coast of Queensland, Australia was found bitten almost in half by another great white shark. For one shark to bite another ten-foot shark in half, it would have to be about twenty feet long itself, only five feet shorter than the most terrifying imaginings of the author of "Jaws". Happy swimming, Aussies! More details here.

No Halloween

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 20:48:00 +0000

The British village of Pluckley has canceled Halloween this year. No, it's not because wayward demons will enter the pores of costumed children and cause them to perform bestial rituals. It's because of hooligans. Hooligans and rabble-rousers, I say! It seems Pluckley has a reputation for being quite haunted. Up to twelve different ghosts of varying ghostly stereotypes are thought to...live?...in the area, so the town becomes quite a tourist attraction at Halloween. They've tried to deal with the situation by hosting charity carnivals for the crowds, but all the excitement and rowdy behavior has just become too much for the sleepy community. They're advising any potential pilgrims only to stop by if they wish to sit down for "a quiet drink", as there's nothing much else to do in Pluckley but sit and drink quietly. Which is probably why all their ghosts are ass-sore alcoholics. More details here.

The Amateur Scientist Podcast: Jesse Thorn

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:23:00 +0000

Public radio's Jesse Thorn talks about his new web series "Put This On", a show for men who want to dress like grown ups. In the course of this freewheeling, semi-erotic conversation, Jesse busts myths about men's style, including myths about when it's appropriate to wear spats over your Air Jordans, when to slap on a tie (both bow and unbow), why you have time to dress well if you have time to make yourself not smell like poop, and just how amazing the graphics are on your 3DO.

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Foreskin Freedom

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:31:00 +0000

Putting aside the debate over whether circumcision is still a necessary or humane practice (probably not, but cut penises are just more fashionable), the fact remains that God made Himself perfectly clear in the Bible. If your pee-pee has a turtleneck, you can't buy a mansion in Heaven. Which is why an unidentified Vancouver man is arguing his botched home circumcision on his 4-year-old son was an act of religious expression instead of, say, criminal assault. See, he only wanted to be right with the Lord, so he stretched his son's penis across a cutting board, sliced off half his foreskin with a razor blade, and coated the wound in a blood clotting powder meant for horse surgery. And though the didn't use ice or anything to numb the pain (where would the Israelites have gotten ice, silly?), he did give the kid ice cream afterward. Now, you might be saying, "Sure, this is pretty harsh. But we're talking about a god who killed first-born babies en masse just for the thrills. You don't fuck with someone like that." Well, call me a bigot, but I think someone would have to have a severe brain injury to believe it's okay to perform amateur surgery on his toddler son's penis. What's that you say? This guy suffered brain injuries from a motorcycle accident? Well, there you go. More details here.

Scientology Woes

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:29:00 +0000

So, you've probably heard that the talentless and bewilderingly Oscar-winning screenwriter Paul Haggis has left the Church of Scientology, and you've heard this because his letter of resignation has been posted online for all to see. I've avoided writing about this for a few days, since I wasn't entirely sure the story was legit. Haggis himself didn't release the letter, and Hollywood stories are notoriously unreliable. Did you know Zack Morris never actually died in a car accident? (Though his career did.) But this looks solid. And my immediate reaction is to congratulate Haggis on his decision to break ties with a wacky sci-fi cult. Also to please return any award he ever won for "Crash". One has little to do with the other. But in reading his letter, I have to wonder what the hell took him so long. Sure, most of us would have hit the road around the time they busted out the e-meter, so Haggis is obviously in a league of his own (plus a few tens of thousands of others). Turns out the last straw for him was in Scientology's support of California's Proposition 8 revoking marriage rights for gay couples. Horrible, to be sure, but why didn't he cut ties when the church forced his wife to not communicate with her own family? In his letter, he says that he began to lose faith in the church when they labeled his mother-in-law as an enemy and forbade communication with her. I guess he loves gay rights more than he loves his mother-in-law. (Insert Borscht Belt joke here.)

And in other news, it looks like Scientologists have been convicted of fraud in French courts. France doesn't recognize Scientology as a protected religion, and they'd been investigating claims made by former Scientologists that unfulfilled promises made about e-meter auditing sessions amounted to criminal lies. The French are probably right, both about the science of sauces and this particular case, but I wonder whether there is a bit of unfair treatment. Scientology isn't the only wacky belief that can't make good on its claims. It's not even the only one that takes money in exchange for lies. Is there that much of a difference between intergalactic volcano bombs, magic golden tablets, and people living inside whale bellies? I mean it's not like Scientology requires its members to give the church money. Oh wait, they do? Curious. More details here and here.

Baby Writing

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:28:00 +0000

A nine-month-old baby named Ali Yakubov appears to have Koranic verses written on his skin, which thousands of pilgrims have traveled to the southern fringes of Russia to see. According to religious leaders who've set up camp around the baby's home and act as gatekeepers from the public, a verse translating to "Be grateful to Allah" appears and disappears in pinkish script all over his body, though journalists have only seen a single letter on Ali's foot. But these same religious leaders are happy to distribute photographs of the whole verse, which looks suspiciously and nauseatingly like scratches made by a sadistic person instead of divine tattoos from God. But even assuming there's a miracle at work here, can't God think of anything more impressive than sometimes scribbling on a baby? Locals believe the verse may be a warning to Islamic extremists who are trying to turn the region into a Muslim state through the tried and true diplomatic power of suicide bombs. So wouldn't a more effective miracle involve rapturing all of the explosives in the area? Or has God turned into some kind of experimental graphic artist? More details here.

Your Sunday Sermon - Polyester

noreply@blogger.com (Richard Peacock) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 13:37:00 +0000

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. Many of you don't know this, but my cousin Thaddeus is the reverend for a small church in my hometown. When he heard that I help out with this "Godless" web site, he insisted he be allowed to do a weekly sermon, to set everyone "back on the right path." So please keep in mind his views and opinions don't represent the rest of us here at AmateurScientist.
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The 1970's. *shivers*. My friends, just thinking about that decade of devilish decadence makes my skin crawl. Hello again my faithful flock, it is I, your humble shepherd, the reverend Thaddeus Peacock. And if you live your life as wickedly as those from the 70's, you're going to "Burn, baby burn." Only your "disco inferno" won't be at a spicy Latin-themed dance club, it will be in the depths of Hell! Devils be gone!!

Now my friends, there are so many sinful things which came out of the 1970's. Cocaine abuse. Row v. Wade. Ben Affleck. But there is one thing so wicked and devilish that it is specifically condemned by that most definitive of fashion publications -- the Bible! Yes, friends, I speak of the fabric which was surely woven on the Devil's loom-- Polyester!

Polyester, for those who do not know, is a fabric made by weaving together several types of artificial (ie, evil) threads. And God Himself condemns this most heinous of actions. "'Keep my decrees. Do not mate different kinds of animals. Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material." (Lev 19:19)

Oh friends! Give up not just your tacky polyester vests-- but also your fields where you have both corn and wheat planted, not to mention your half-dog, half-panda abominations! If I can give up those things, then anyone can.

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The Reverend Thaddeus Peacock is a licensed Churchologist with advanced degrees in Biblology, Jesusence, and Brimstoning. He may be reached by emailing his cousin Richard at richard@amateurscientist.org.

I Have to Defend This Douche?

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:29:00 +0000

Speaking of free speech, I hate when my convictions get in the way of my general distaste for Holocaust-denying Catholic bishops. But today's one of those days. Earlier this year, Bishop Richard Williamson gave a Swedish television interview wherein he blathered on about how he didn't believe the Nazis used any gas chambers and how not all that many Jews were really killed in concentration camps. In other words, he's an idiot. But since the interview was put on the internet, it was seen in Germany. Now German courts are deciding whether Williamson should be prosecuted under their anti-Holocaust denial laws. If guilty, he'd have to pay a €12,000 fine, which at today's exchange rate, is something like $47 gazillion dollars. I think. Anyway, part of standing up for free speech is standing up for the right to say idiotic, antisemitic, and otherwise bullshitty things. Williamson believes what he does because he's an ill-informed cock, but he shouldn't be subject to fines just for saying what he believes. I wonder if anyone would support a Blasphemy Day-esque Deny the Holocaust Day to promote German free speech. Any takers? Hello? More details here.

Blasphemy Schmasphemy

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:26:00 +0000

For a while now, a loose coalition of mostly Muslim U.N. member nations has been trying to push through resolutions calling for limits on free speech when it comes to ridiculing religion. The U.N. Human Rights Council recently passed a non-binding resolution in support of free speech, though it also included an exception for the same kind of religious talk these nations have been opposing. Though the resolution passed unanimously, several European nations made their opposition to the religious speech clause known. But not the U.S.! America sided with Egypt in supporting the clause, spouting something about protecting the dignity of religious people. This is sort of a reversal, since the U.S. has opposed such nonsense in the past. Is this what the Nobel committee meant about Obama's power to bring people together? It should go without saying, but limited free speech isn't free speech. No one has a right to not be offended, precisely because in order to enforce that right, you have to strip the rights of others to express themselves. Once again, this is a non-binding resolution, so it doesn't really mean anything as far as concrete laws are concerned. But by supporting it, the U.S. has sided against the very freedoms upon which it was founded. Boo to that. Boo all over its smug little face. More details here.

The Amateur Scientist Podcast: Episode 79

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 02:48:00 +0000

Hrvatska književna senzacija i part-time mliječni radnik Akaky Akakievich ispunjava za Brian i Bob na ovog tjedna show. Neka vas počastiti s pričama o borbi i voli smrtonosnog sperme kit, uživajući okovan klincima osjećaj piercinga jezika, putujući s vanzemaljcima da planet Venera gledati mačke se muzu, i izvodi iz iranskih čast čuvara u potrazi za gledati Mickey Mouse.

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Whoops-a-Jewsie!

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:58:00 +0000

James Ulmer is chairman of the Orangeburg County, South Carolina Republicans, and this is a picture of him in a bow tie. [pause for laughter] On Sunday, an op-ed he co-authored ran in the local newspaper, and to everyone's surprise, it wasn't arguing for an embrace of lavender sports jackets. Instead, the piece was meant to praise South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint's hardline stance about congressional earmarks. The money quote: "There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves. By not using earmarks to fund projects for South Carolina and instead using actual bills, DeMint is watching our nation's pennies and trying to preserve our country's wealth and our economy's viability to give all an opportunity to succeed." Hey, I can get behind that. I mean, no one likes the idea of wasting federal money on pet pro--WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT THE JEWS?? To be fair, Ulmer didn't actually say Jews are penny pinchers. He just related an old saying, presumably one heard around the burning cross when he was a youngster. But because everyone's all PC these days, he had to go and apologize for perpetuating a hurtful and conspiratorial stereotype. "I meant absolutely nothing derogatory by the reference to a great and honorable people," he said. Which is fair enough, I suppose. The idea of Jews as greedy little bastards is harmless enough as far as bigoted stereotypes go. And really, they're all probably too busy running Hollywood to notice. More details here.

The Come Hither Gene

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:57:00 +0000

Scientists at the University of Toronto have genetically modified fruit flies to turn them instantly into sexual gods and godesses. The flies were altered so that they could no longer produce the cuticular hydrocarbon pheromone, and the boners came pouring in. Flies without the pheromone attracted horny followers from both sexes, regardless of sexual orientation history. And some of them even tweaked the nipples of other species. Because they're apparently uncomfortable with their masculinity, the scientists simply refer to the male test subjects as "sex gods", while they compare the females to Marilyn Monroe. It's okay, scientists. You can go ahead and call the males Jon Hamms, and no one will think you're gay. Just human! And Marilyn Monroe is so last century. It's a scientific fact that the most sexually desirable woman on the face of the planet is now Christina Hendricks. More details here. And thanks to Tom for the link.

Your Sunday Sermon - The Sun Goes Round the Earth

noreply@blogger.com (Richard Peacock) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 14:41:00 +0000

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. Many of you don't know this, but my cousin Thaddeus is the reverend for a small church in my hometown. When he heard that I help out with this "Godless" web site, he insisted he be allowed to do a weekly sermon, to set everyone "back on the right path." So please keep in mind his views and opinions don't represent the rest of us here at AmateurScientist.
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My friends, welcome once again to my gentle presence. Yes, that's it, come closer... closer still... closer... Devils be gone!! Ha! Got you. Yes, my flock of sheep, it is I, your humble shepherd, the reverend Thaddeus Peacock. And it is time once again for me to scare the bejesus into you!

This past Thursday, when I would normally be setting up hidden cameras in the local gym to look for signs of homoerotic pugilism, I was taken ill by a ghastly case of the squirts. Curse that yellowed egg salad from Mrs. Jefferson! As I sat atop my Lay-z-boy, I flipped through the local television channels, and happened upon a lie more ghastly than Mrs. Jefferson's insistence that egg salad is "supposed to be that color." I happened upon a daytime drama program titled: "As the World Turns"! It showed an image of the Earth, in spherical form, spinning out in space! Devils be gone!!

For as we all know, my fluffy followers, the Bible tells us that the world is not in motion at all, but is a stationary realm in which the Sun orbits it! Look here: "Tremble before him, all the earth! The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved." (1 Chron 16:30) and here: "The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises." (Ecc 1:5) It was on the validity of these most factual versus that, hundreds of years ago, the Catholic Church correctly concluded that the homosexual/witch (assumed) Galileo was so very wrong! Hallelujah!

Oh, my friends, I was so distressed by the hideous lies on my television screen, that I had to calm myself by watching the previous week's hidden locker camera footage again and again until my humors had returned to balance. Let this be a lesson to you, dear readers. Never believe the hideous lies spread by either that heretic Galileo, or that charlatan Mrs. Jefferson.

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The Reverend Thaddeus Peacock is a licensed Churchologist with advanced degrees in Biblology, Jesusence, and Brimstoning. He may be reached by emailing his cousin Richard at richard@amateurscientist.org.

Mixed Up

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 20:36:00 +0000

Look, whatever you do, don't call Louisiana justice of the peace Keith Bardwell a racist. Yes, he refuses to grant marriage licenses to interracial couples. Yes, this is the year of our Lord two thousand and nine. Yes, this sounds illegalish. But far from being a bigot, Bardwell's just looking out for the children. Specifically, mixed race children, who he believes will grow up in a society full of ridicule and torment from racists, of which he is not one. Look, he'll prove it to you. "I have piles and piles of black friends," he says. "They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else." That may not sound like much, but you've obviously not seen Bardwell's bathroom (pictured). He just doesn't believe in "mixing the races that way". Throw them all in a room together? Fine. Make them wait in line to use your marble shitter? No reason not to. Just don't allow them to enjoy the same freedoms other consenting adults enjoy. "I try to treat everyone equally," Bardwell explains. And by that, of course, he means he treats all mixed-race heathens the exact same way. Like a douche. More details here.

The Curse of Halloween

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 20:35:00 +0000

Rev. Jonathan Campbell, a Methodist minister in Northern Ireland, is appealing to his local community to cancel their plans for the annual Halloween carnival before it's too late. Rev. Campbell claims Halloween in one of the two most important nights for Satanists and that celebrating the holiday will place a curse upon the town. He's desperate to rip off Halloween's veil of fun, fancy, and innocence to expose its festering corruption of children and devilish promotion of the occult. Lest your cynicism convinces you Rev. Campbell just needs to loosen his collar and chillax, you should know that every year the effects of the Halloween curse have been felt on the town of Derry for weeks after the turn of October 31st. Fortunately, those effects seem to mostly involve an unusual concentration of candy. More details here.

I (Symbol for "Don't Understand") Vandals

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 20:33:00 +0000

President Obama has been mistaken for many things: a Kenyan, an Indonesian, a socialist, a Muslim, a terrorist, a transformative figure of hope and change. And like anyone who's disliked by a large group of people, he's also been mistaken for a Nazi, since "Nazi" is as ubiquitous an insult in politics as "doo-doo head" is on the playground. I think the "Obama is a Nazi" idea is what some vandals were trying to get across when they carved "I [swastika] Obama" into a Boston area country club's golf course earlier this week, but I really can't be sure. "Swastika", you see, isn't a verb. Unless these people fashioned a metal shuriken in the shape of the Nazi symbol, used their ninja stealth to infiltrate the White House, and planted a pointy calling card between the president's shoulder blades, I don't see how they could have swastikaed anyone. Not that it makes any grammatical sense, but this graffiti also has a sort of familial tone. It's almost as if these vandals believe Obama is a Nazi and want to show that they're right there with him. Apropos of seemingly nothing, some have wondered whether the "I" actually stands for "Israel". "Israel [swastika] Obama"? Please be more clear next time, insane dipshits. More details here.

Idiocy is a Choice

noreply@blogger.com (AmateurScientist) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 21:09:00 +0000

Oh, Republicans. Even when I agree with you, I still think you're batshit insane. Case in point: House Republican Leader John Boehner (pronounced "Hard-cock"), who defended his opposition to new hate crimes legislation by claiming that while homosexuality is a choice, religion is not. Let me clarify for those of you who don't speak moron. A new hate crimes bill sailing through congress would allow the federal government to prosecute crimes motivated by sexual orientation bigotry in addition to the protections already afforded for crimes based on race, religion, and nationality. Like Rep. Erection (R - His Own Ass), I'm also opposed to this legislation. I believe that it's unnecessary, since it's already illegal to both assault and murder people for just about any reason. Like the ACLU, I also think it's a dangerous infringement on free thought, since it provides stiffer penalties for people who happen to hold racist, homophobic, or otherwise douchebaggy beliefs. And I don't think there's a real need for it considering the fact that the people who committed hate crimes against the two victims after which the legislation is named (Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr.) were all successfully prosecuted under existing laws without any need for federal involvement. But while Rep. Woody agrees with me on hate crimes legislation equating to thought crimes legislation, he also holds the intellectually conflicting view that hate crimes laws should protect religious belief, since religion is an "immutable characteristic". In other words, you choose which naked genitals make your nipples hard, but you don't choose which church you drive to every Sunday. Like I said, Rep. John Pants-tent is batshit insane. More details here.