the angry stickman

Shocking Clickbait Discovery Alert! What will happen to the internet of computers?

2018-11-15T13:31:00.001-06:00

Based on scientific research, in conjunction with the artificially intelligent computing resources at the Google company, we have discovered a shocking discovery about the future of the internet of computers.

Whereas computers and internet have been in fashion as of late, recent research indicates that these things are ultimately doomed. More doomed than frogs, which will also have their day.

As the graph above clearly indicates, computers (shown in A COLOR) and internet (shown in A DIFFERENT COLOR) had their heyday between 1985 and 2005. However, these great technologies are now on the decline!

Based on our accurate scientific projections, we believe that internet will end in 2025. Computers are currently projected to end later (2052). But, we may reasonably estimate their rate of demise to increase when they become sad no longer being able to talk to each other on the internet. This could possibly accelerate their final demise to within a few years of the end of the internet.

The threat is real.

The pointless dot-com will survive, of course, because it is the transcendent dot-com, living more in our hearts and minds that on internets and computers. But, the rest of the dot-coms are doomed!!!

And what about Duke Nukem! What will he do!?

What will you do without internet and computers?!

Do you think our projection is accurate? (It is.)

(Leave your comments below.)

Please remember. Don't panic. (Do panic.) Think clearly. Rationally. Throw a chair. Save the internet.

The truth about voting in elections

2018-11-08T14:25:00.000-06:00

With the 2018 elections in our wake, and with the dust settling on the many Facebook and Twitter wars that ensued, we at thepointless.com would like to take a moment to clarify a few misconceptions about your votes in those 2018 elections and all elections.

Myth: Your vote counts.
Fact: Voting machines count. Jewelry thieves count. Small children count. And monkeys can count sometimes too. And nothing else.

Myth: It doesn't matter who you vote for as long as you vote!
Fact: It doesn't matter who you vote for as long as you keep it to yourself. If you show up at the polls, it only matters if you vote for our angry stickman with a public display of affection. Everything else is lame.

Myth: You're voting for the candidates on the ballot.
Fact: All votes are translated behind the scenes into Loony Tunes characters and are eventually reduced to gun battle duel between Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd. But, this too is moot, because Bugs Bunny wins by default every election and chooses one of the "elected" officials to feed an inordinate amount of carrots too.

Hence the lengthy history of orange guys in various offices ...

You are welcome for the facts. Feel free to agree with completely them in the comments.

post spookery tom foolery

2018-11-05T14:28:00.001-06:00

Tom Foolery. The Man. The Legend. The turn of phrase. Does it get any post-spookerier than that?

I think not.

Therefore I am not.

But, don't put all your grapes in one basket. Put them all into one bowl. Baskets are for apples. Bowls are for grapes.

And grapes are for monkeys.

Don't act like an ape. Just get back to business.

Monkey bizniss.

the pen is mightier than the fjord

2018-11-01T21:27:00.000-05:00

It may seem like I'm talking nonsense. But, clearly I am talking cents.

That's right. Golden (not actually golden) pennies. Umerican pennies. America.

Birds. Birds with scales, and gills. Like dragons or dinosaurs.

And unlike other crappy dotcoms that aren't worth more than two of these Abrahams, we've got a whole lot of them. A fjordfull.

And well what does that have to do with pens? And why are they mitreier than a fjord?

As the saying goes, if you have to ask I'll just tell you.

Monkeys. Bananas. And Penguins.

Need I say more?

does anyone remember salad fingers?

2018-10-30T15:55:00.003-05:00

I mean, I don't personally remember salad fingers — except for just now when I was remember salad fingers.

But seriously. Salad fingers was a thing.

And it got me wondering, like ... why was this ever a thing at all?

Does anyone out there not have salad fingers?

Let me know in the comments. Thanks.

facebook integration is broken

2018-06-26T21:21:00.000-05:00

Salutations internet readers.

I write to tell you that our single sign-on integration with Facebook is presently broken. I mean -- I think it's broken. Mostly I just assume it's broken. I haven't actually tried it in awhile. But, since I haven't written a post or done any development for the best dot-com on the damn web in basically forever, I pretty much assume it's broken.

We have no plans of fixing the probably-broken Facebook single-sign-on for now. I've been told that Facebook is the devil, and that they steal your 1's and 0's and scatter them across the interwebs haphazardly. So, we do not feel bad about having a probably-broken integration with them.

Thanks for reading.

Please subscribe. Or ... follow us. Or ... ... What is it that people do to blogs exactly?

Oh yeah.

Nothing. ... they do nothing. Keep on doing nothing, my faithful and unfaithful readers.

4 surprising things beautiful people do with silverware

2013-09-20T14:03:00.001-05:00

We're not saying you'll suddenly be beautiful by doing these things. But, who knows! Here are 4 things we never expected to find beautiful people doing with silverware.

Eating. By a successively lowering the silverware to the food and lifting it in one form or another to the mouth, every beautiful person we've encountered in our research does this.
Cutting food. With knives in particular, we found that beautiful people routinely cut their food. Not all food, of course. But cuttable food, like meat.
Spreading spreadables. Butter, peanut butter, Nutella -- you name it! When a beautiful person has something spreadable, they turn to silverware to spread it.
Washing it. Almost every beautiful person we found likes to eat, cut, and spread with clean silverware. For this reason, to our amazement, we found that they routinely washed their silverware, either by hand or by dishwasher.

If you find yourself doing these things too, look in the mirror! You might discover you're the sexiest person alive!

congratulations to squirrels!

2012-08-10T14:59:00.002-05:00

Before we get started on the squirrelly business, we'd like to take a moment to deliver a well-deserved congratulations to ourselves. And here it is:

Congratulations to Us on our inadvertently accomplished mission of pointlessness!

And onto squirrels.

Congratulations to Squirrels, for burying nuts and finding them later!

Having tried to bury and relocate a few nuts in our day, we can assure you, they're tough to keep in the ground! So, let's all raise our glasses to the champions of the day: thepointless.com and squirrels!

untitled post

2012-05-18T20:25:00.004-05:00

We couldn't think of a reasonable title for this article. We couldn't even think of an unreasonable one. But, we've got important things to articulate nonetheless. And here they are.

We have been in business for approximately eight years. And after eight average length years, some only slightly longer than the average year, we owe it to our faithful community of followers to provide the most pointless and long-awaited update of all time. If you write for a blog or newspaper, or report for any major news networks, now is the time to pay attention: now is the time to rest your eyes on thepointless.com and it's accompanying angry stickman blog (that's this).

Dedicated fans, the very moment we find the words, images, and scents to adequately describe the update we're nearly about to unveil, you'll know. So, keep the presses hot, and keep your eyes and ears at attention: an update of supreme pointlessness is in your midst.

we are also good at poetry

2011-12-22T16:57:00.001-06:00

As proof of our awesome poetocity, we present to you the following.

poem 1
a poem
should never be a haiku
because they are dumb

poem 2
a slippery spark upon a goose
with slippers on his slippery feet
are altogether less than loose
so long's he isn't super 1337

so what the hell is this about
i'm pretty sure that i don't know
so go and have yourself some trout
and don't forget to clean your feet

poem 3
la la la la la
ta ta ta ta ta
nnnnnnaaaaaaaaa
this is definitely not poetry
i mean srsly, it doesn't even rhyme
unless ... i say something like ... DIME!
bwahaha
we are the awesomest poetites ever
la la la la la
bwahahahahah!

fin.

enough silliness already!

2011-08-29T10:48:00.000-05:00

Dear public,

We at thepointless.com would like to express our concern with the increasing amount of silliness floating about t3h internetz. Thus, we hereby express our concern:

We are concerned about the increasing amount of silliness floating about t3h internetz.

And, if you have in any way contributed to this silliness, we semi-formally request you to stop:

Please stop. We've had enough of your silliness!

Thanks,
thepointless.com

total facebook integration

2011-03-15T10:19:00.001-05:00

Facebook PWNS the world, and we want a steak in it. A medium-rare steak with juicy off-brand steak sauce. That in mind, thepointless.com now allows you to create accounts and/or sign in using your facebook account.

Isn't that awesome?

And, as if that weren't enough, we're also handing out imaginary dolphins to EVERYONE. And, as if THAT weren't enough, you can have an imaginary replica of our delicious aforementioned steak. You can even imagine eating it!

Hooray for monkeys!

security alert: all your base are belong to us!

2011-02-10T13:18:00.000-06:00

Listen up, kids. All your base are belong to us, and here's why:

In the mid-30's a group of elite phonograph hackers stumbled across the biggest security risk ever discovered in the world of stationary (non-portable) music players. It was discovered that by merely entering a phonograph owner's home, one could acquire sensitive information about the victim. That's right -- by simply stealing the phonograph owner's belongings, enough information could be gathered to successfully assume the victim's identity and belongings.

The threat continues today, even with modern stationary music players, such as RADIO and SHINY MUSIC DISC PLAYER and MAGNETIC TAPE READING THING. By allowing such an elite hacker to have knowledge of the presence of a stationary music player, you become subject this nasty form of IDENTYFICATION THEFT. Elite hackers will necessarily break into your home, steal your identity, and use your money to fund their 1337 h4x1ng activities. On top of that, Glenn Beck and John Stewart will also arrive and engage in an everlasting thumb war which will have make all your base are belong to us.

Live long and prosper, ape face.

what's been keeping us busy

2011-02-03T22:38:00.000-06:00

Hey folks, this is our first ever installment of what's been keeping us busy. Much like the what's been keeping us busy sections of other notable dot-com's, we'll review the litany of things that have been keeping the folks here at thepointless.com busy since our last update.

So, without further ado, here's what's been keeping us busy:

Eating.
Sleeping.
Petting zebras.
Chasing monkeys.
Updating our Facebook status.
Wrestling squirrels.
Wrestling badgers.
Wrestling with our imaginations.
Wrestling reality.
Wrestling pro wrestlers.
Working at our real jobs.
Referring thepointless.com in 1st person plural form.
Writing a list of things that have been keeping us busy.
Waxing our eyebrows.
Waxing baby kittens eyebrows.
Waxing babies' eyebrows.
Waning.
Absorbing nutrients from the sunlight as a means to end world hunger.
Absorbing nutrients from red meat as a means to end our hunger.
Roping pigeons together to annoy PETA.
Roping members of PETA together to annoy pigeons.
Fighting crime with superhero powers.
Raising one eyebrow and looking slightly to the left.
Drinking copious amounts of water.
Urinating (frequently).
Pressing buttons that do unknown things.
Running away.
Recycling air.

Hmm ... that's about it for now. Be sure to check back with us in a few days ... or weeks. I'm sure we'll have something terribly impressive (and new) for you to see. In the meantime, here's another goat. (not goat)

zebra awareness

2010-12-30T16:13:00.000-06:00

Zebra awareness is important. Not only is it important that we recognize the zebras around us and accommodate their needs - I mean hey, they're people too - it is our social obligation to assist all people in determining whether they are zebras themselves.

Zebras have a notably different set of skills than that of average people. Imagine living your whole life not knowing why you get funny looks in the movie line and drive-through. Or imagine disadvantage you would face as a zebra attempting to drive a car or ride a bicycle designed specifically for a human.

Zebras are people too.

Be part of the solution. Help raise zebra awareness. Take the zebra awareness quiz and share the results and the quiz with your friends and family.

Bipedalism vs. Quadrupedalism

2010-11-27T12:56:00.000-06:00

Over the years it has become apparent that some creatures prefer the bipedal position while others prefer the quadrupedal position. Through those years of study, noticing hardly any tripeds or pentapeds, it has been taken into consideration that bipedalism and quadrupedalism are the dominant pedisms. However, due to the vast majority of carnivorous quadrupeds overpowering bipeds repeatedly through the ages, the question of whether humans should continue to walk bipedally has arisen.

Traditionally, there has been an issue with large carnivorous quadrupeds, such as lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) out-running, over-powering, and devouring innocent bipeds, such as humans. In the new age, while these occurrences have declined, they have yet to cease entirely. In the well known Oz incident, a girl named Dorothy is emotionally attacked by one quadruped after another to the point of multiple emotional breakdowns. There have also been recent concerns with large aquatic quadrupeds related to the Loch Ness "Monster" coming forth from bodies of water to consume innocent bipedal types.

Bipeds are becoming fed up with all the attacks from quadrupedalism. Thus, the Biped and Quadruped Unity and Peace Alliance (BAQUAP) has called forth several meetings to discuss better relations. However, the quadrupedal community has never taken our peace talks well; so, humans everywhere can expect the switch to quadrupedalism to be soon and swift.

There may be a lack of support for the switch initially, but experts agree that "once humanity gets a good taste of quadrupedalism's power, we'll never go back to our bipedal wasteland." Not only will quadrupedal positioning increase our speed, power, and overall ferocity, but it will promote unity among the animal kingdom.

the truth about thanksgiving turkey

2010-11-10T21:33:00.001-06:00

With Thanksgiving fast approaching, it is important that all Americans know the truth about Thanksgiving turkeys:

This is a Thanksgiving turkey. Turkies are large reptiles that only live on farms. They were brought to America by John Smith on his boat for the Indians on Thanksgiving Day. They are yummy. Turkey is not and never was a country.

Here are some more facts about turkeys:

Turkeys have exactly four feathers as depicted above.
Turkeys, like most reptiles, have gills.
Turkeys are known to have at least one wing.
Turkeys often have their heads chopped off for fun.
Turkeys always lean forward, as shown in the above photograph.
Turkeys are composed of black and white lines.

If you do not believe what I say about turkeys, you are wrong.

continuing pointlessness

2010-10-27T23:00:00.001-05:00

Sitting back in my swivel chair, I took a moment to ponder the nature of thepointless.com. Though I am the author, sole developer, and the "we" you've all heard about, the site is as much a mystery to us (me) as anyone else. At times, it seems to be even more of a mystery to us than to anyone else. And, still sitting back in our chair a bit, we had to question whether the website was truly pointless. What is it about the site that makes it true to its name? (aside from the simple fact that it's a .com, like twitter or facebook)

Sparing you the philosophy, failed religions, and bloody battle scenes, we've come to the following conclusion:

We're winging it. Aware that any solid aspirations of pointlessness might constitute a point, we do little to avoid making points. We do equally little to make points, of course.

To be clear, it's not our avoidance of a point that makes it pointless. That would be a pretty glaring point; it's really that the whole thing is just an ongoing accident. The site isn't what it is because we planned it that way. It just happens ... and it keeps happening, by no real preconceived intentions or forethoughts.

Most importantly, Santa Clause.

Dear Mars Inc.

2010-10-25T23:57:00.001-05:00

Dear Mars Inc.,

I am writing to inform you that your Twix bars do not work as advertised! Having been caught in numerous embarrassing and troublesome situations, I have repeatedly reached for a Twix bar in hopes of obtaining a sufficient lie to cover my greed, bigotry, chauvinism, and general bad character. But alas, after countless kerfuffles and many-a-Twix, no such saving lie has arisen while consuming one your delicious, yet falsely advertised, bars. And let me tell you, nothing makes a compromising situation more awkward than stopping to eat a tasty treat!

To be clear, your Twix bars are indeed delicious! I am not disputing that fact. Were I welcome back in the local grocery stores and near their vending machines, I would gladly purchase and consume your Twix bars on a regular basis. Though, since your bars have not worked as advertised in providing adequate lies in sticky situations, I am now unwelcome in many places that would otherwise provide ready access to a plenty of your scrumptious bars.

I know that you did not intend to falsely advertise your product, particularly since it is so delicious! In light of this, you should be made aware that these bars simply do not work as your marketing team believes they do. Perhaps they are timezone specific or simply carry high-latency lies which arrive too late and out of context? I trust that your research team will look into these possibilities, as well as many other reasons for the malfunction.

Whatever the case may be, I look forward to future upgrades to the Twix bar! Don't worry about these initial failures — not every product works as expected the first time. And, I'm sure you'll get it right soon enough. Until then, I will work on recovering from the recent trouble I have been in on account of the faulty bars, and I will be ready for action when Twix 2.0 arrives!

To my non-Mars Inc. readers, please write your Twix bar malfunction stories below. We need to provide the Twix engineers and researchers with sufficient data to correct the problem!

Thanks!

thepointless.com and the angry stickman unite!

2010-10-24T14:17:00.001-05:00

This is now the official blog for thepointless.com. All the other important sites out there have official blogs, like Google and Yahoo ... I think. I guess I've never really checked. But, I mean hey, thepointless.com is as important and meaningful as any other site out there, right? So, we should have a blog. And since this one was just laying around, we've decided it should belong to thepointless.com.

And now it does. And here's a goat.

5 reasons to make a "10 reasons" list

2009-12-10T23:18:00.004-06:00

Those damn "10 reasons" and "top 10" lists pop up all over the net all the time. And there's good reason. There are probably even 10 of them; but I can only think of 5.

People are stupid. They need to be convinced that there are enough reasons to do something while still being able to count those reasons on their fingers. My list is only 5 reasons long, which, on the upside, makes it accessible to folks who missing up to 5 of their fingers.
People can't resist Digging them. When people see that there are "10 reasons" to do something, they either get really skeptical or really excited. Either way, they'll be posting some hasty, unfounded comments on your blog. (or "site" for all you 1337 h4x0rz)
You're really awesome. And because you realize how truly awesome you are, you owe it to yourself to blog up some "10 reasons" list that will show off how knowledgeable and awesome you truly are.
Your opinions will spread like wildfire. Think about it. Have you ever read a "10 reasons" or "top 10" list and NOT suddenly changed your entire outlook on life? Me either. People see a list that they can count on their fingers, stop thinking, link it from their own blog, start chain emails about you, and eventually establish a cult. Being the object of worship in a cult is reason enough to start one of these lists ...
A list of only 5 is bullshit. If you can't think of at least 10 items for your list, don't even bother — you're not qualified to make the list. We can't go starting revolutions or start using paper over of plastic if you can only think of 5 damn reasons. So make your list; but make it a list of 10, you nancy.

There you go, kids. Eat it up. Nom nom nom ...

a whole new blog

2009-11-21T16:13:00.002-06:00

The days of being silly are over. The days for unwarranted anger over opposing opinions have begun. So, if you disagree with me, I'll poop on your pillow.