According to the report on ScienceDaily.com, one-third of men 16 - 35 years-old and one-quarter of women drink to facilitate sexual encounters. The report also indicates they use drugs such as coke, ecstasy and pot to improve the sex they do have.

Really? Who would have thought it? This is truly groundbreaking research!

These researchers could have saved a lot of time and money by simply asking anyone who’s ever worked in a bar. It’s called ‘liquid courage.”

This is the bar business’ bread and butter. Take away sexual desperation and half of the people who now drink would stay home.

And the other half?

They’re the ones who drown their sorrows having come to the realization that they’re never going to get laid regardless of how much alcohol they drink or how many drugs they do.

Next…researchers discover marijuana/late-night pizza ordering connection.

Named after owner Mike Cain’s Akita, Kuma’s went from neighborhood hotspot to city-wide sensation in an instant. This Avondale corner pub has so much good word-of-mouth right now that a couple of nights ago when we arrived at another restaurant minutes after their kitchen closed, the waiter there recommended we head on over to Kuma’s where they serve late-night food. We were two neighborhoods away.

I’ll get to the food and beverage, the hook here is atmosphere and attitude.

Head bangin’ metal music blasts non-stop. Pin-ups and tattoo art cover the walls, especially in the bathrooms. Got ink? Show it proudly. Save the khakis and cardigans for Lincoln Park, break out the black leather jacket, jeans and biker boots. The crowd is more roller derby girl than receptionist, more drummer than accountant, more pro-dominatrix than desperate housewife.

When Cain hires staff, he doesn’t want to hear about their experience, he wants to hear a joke and he wants to hear how loudly they can burp.

And, leave the kids at home. They won’t throw you out if you bring the kid rockers, at least not before 11pm, but you’ll regret it every second. The wait for a table is long - an hour to an hour-and-a-half most times. By the time you get a table your kids will be so tired, so crabby, so hungry you’ll miss all the fun. Take my advice, this is adult time…hire a sitter.

If you’re a longtime regular or know someone on the staff, you’ll skip the wait. I don’t have a problem with this. As my grandfather used to say, “You dance with the one who brung ya.” The rest of us head to the bar.

Kuma’s has a full bar and a few specialty martinis like “The Angel of Death” - Malibu Rum, Peach Stoli, cranberry and lime juice - and “The Mother Puncher” - Vanilla Stoli, Southern Comfort and cranberry juice - but it’s obviously the beer they care about.

The menu makes clear their philosophy on beer:
“Death to Miller and Budweiser…they are over-produced and inferior products that prevent passionate craftsmen from sharing their gifts with all of us.”

Though they offer Pabst Blue Ribbon (if you drink it, we’re not responsible for you waking up in a NASCAR shirt), craft brews, often seasonal, dominate the beer list. Bottles range from $4.00 to $25.00, drafts from $4.00 to $6.00.

Try a bottle of Buster Nut Brown Ale from Ska Brewing in Durango, Colorado, or Hopsickle IPA from Moylan’s Brewery in Novato, California. Cane and Ebel Red Rye Ale from Two Bothers Brewing, Warrenville, IL is a hoppy springtime draft and Cleveland’s Great Lakes Brewing’s Edmund Fitzgerald Porter pairs nicely with some of the smoky food offerings.

Finally, the food.

Kuma’s offers only a few unremarkable, yet adequate, appetizers ($8-$10). Who cares? By the time you get a table, you’ll need something fast. Calamari with spicy cherry peppers and lemon aioli or BBQ Pork Fries with Jack cheese will tide you over.

There’s a couple of sandwiches ($10) on the menu - a Buffalo Chicken sandwich and a BBQ Pork sandwich, but you probably won’t give them a second look. That’s not why you’re here.

You may be here for the excellent Make Your Own Mac & Cheese ($10 with two ingredients, $1 extra ingredients) - combine your choice of bacon, prosciutto, chicken, andouille sausage, peppers, onions, sun-dried tomatoes, broccoli, peas, sweet corn, mushrooms and scallions - but chances are you, like nearly everyone else, are here for the burgers.

Kuma’s claims, and maybe rightfully so, to make “The Best Burgers In Chicago.”

The 10oz. burgers ($10-$12), served on a pretzel role with fries or chips, are a bit pricey and worth every penny. If you prefer, a garden burger, chicken breast or chicken tenders may be substituted for beef.

It’s the combination of toppings that make these burgers great.

“The Kuma Burger” is topped with cheddar cheese, bacon and a fried egg. “The Judas Priest” combines bacon, bleu cheese dressing, apples, walnuts and dried cranberries. “The Led Zeppelin” is topped with cheddar cheese, pulled pork, bacon and pickles.

Combining the best of two worlds, “The Goblin Cock” is a bacon cheddar cheeseburger topped with a quarter-pound Chicago-style Vienna Hot Dog - tomatoes, onions, neon green relish, sport peppers, pickles, celery salt and mustard included.

There are more burgers available and daily specials too.

This is not health food, but if my life expectancy is shortened by one day because I ate here, it’ll be a day well spent. If somewhere along the line I gain an extra day, I’ll make sure to spend it eating here.

I don’t recall any desserts on the menu…I didn’t look, I didn’t ask and I wasn’t offered. They want the table. When the plates are cleared, the check is down and we were out…full and happy.

There is one downside to Kuma’s Corner…they pump out so many burgers from the semi-enclosed kitchen near the back of the long, single room that when you leave, you’ll smell like a burger…but at least you’ll smell like a really, really good burger.

Kuma’s Corner 2900 W. Belmont Chicago, IL 773-604-8769

Judith brought down the house with a killer rendition of Janis Joplin’s Cry Baby and walked away with $100.

Second place went to James (no last name-pictured with Judith below) who squeezed out a victory singing New York, New York. James won tickets to Broadway in Chicago’s Avenue Q.

Judith and James advance to the semi-finals to be held Saturday, May 31, at Sidetrack (3349 N. Halsted) where they will compete against winners from eight other Chicago bars and the winners from a wild card round.

Semi-final winners, which Judith is sure to be among, compete for a $1000 Grand Prize and other prizes Friday, June 13 at Circuit Night Club (3641 N. Halsted).

Go Judith!

The owners aren’t abandoning the space, but they are ditching the live music and dj’s in favor of a jukebox. Word is they’re ripping out the stage and dj booth, remodeling the bar and re-opening in one month under a new, yet to be decided (or maybe just yet to be disclosed) name.

The decision to close The Note apparently centers around eliminating the cover charge. Bands and dj’s cost money which means customers here paid a cover - usually $6 - $10 - and that chased away customers just looking to drink and hangout.

The Note first opened in Bucktown as the awesomely loud, always packed “The Blue Note.” In 1996, they moved to Wicker Park, losing the “Blue” along the way. The owners also own Nick’s Beer Garden (1516 N. Milwaukee Ave.) and the new Nick’s on Wilson (1140 W. Wilson).

Though The Note will be missed, most important to The Angry Waiter is the future of the staff. According to a bartender there, all of the staff is being retained.

No, the beauty of this hole-in-the-wall is that it’s seemingly known to only a few…and I hope it stays that way.

Located about one block north of Bryn Mawr on the west side of Clark Street, Cafe Bong is easy to miss. The sign hanging over the sidewalk gives the impression the place is a cheap Korean restaurant. There are no large picture windows here for passersby to peak in. Instead, the facade is nondescript, bricked up save for a small, rectangular window at eye-level or higher.

Nothing about the outside indicates this is one whacky dive bar.

Everything on the inside screams dive - A few tall tables, about 18 - 20 seats at the long, dusty bar, a slightly under-sized pool table, no real decorations to speak of and bathrooms that make using the alley seem appealing.

Walk into The Bong unprepared and you’re likely to turn right around and go elsewhere…unless you know its secret appeal.

Now would be a good time for you buttoned-up conservative types to stop reading. There are a lot of great bars in neighborhoods all over Chicago and beyond, so go and enter the term “great dive bar” in the search box above and start searching. Stop reading this right now. No, really, this place isn’t for you, so good luck in your search.

Now that the stick-in-the muds are gone and are hopefully drinking further north in Edgewater or maybe even up in Roger’s Park, I’ll share with those of you smart enough not to be fooled by my attempt at misdirection the real appeal of Cafe Bong (Ho).

First, there’s nobody there. On several occasions, my friends and I have been the only customers in the place except for a few, literally two or three, regulars who looked like they probably just got done working in the kitchen of one of the area restaurants.

Our first time visiting Cafe Bong it was actually these guys who served us our very cheap cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon - not that we normally drink PBR, but it was on special and it matched the ambiance perfectly - because the bartender who also claims to be the owner, was way too “over served” to serve us. We loved this. We’re all restaurant and bar people too and each of us has, at one time or another, had to step in and help out a favorite bartender who was too drunk to do his or her job.

I say the bartender “claims” to also own the place because I “think” that’s what she says, but frankly, between her heavy accent and slurred speech, she’s a little difficult to understand. But, she’s always smiling, always looks glad to see us, opens up a jar of peanuts and pours them into a bowl and at some point in the evening she buys a round of shots for the house.

These aren’t always the best shots. She drinks Tequila Rose, a disgusting strawberry cream liqueur concoction, but last time she made some type of cherry shot. Still, it’s the thought that counts.

Still here? OK, then I’ll let you in on another secret about this place. It has a karaoke machine with a 50-foot cord.

I don’t karaoke. I’m the guy who watches as his friends who are singers get up there and do their thing, but at Cafe Bong and really only at Cafe Bong, I’ll grab the mic and belt out an off-key rendition of anything Nirvana.

On our last visit, there was another small group of friends (not related to our group) already there when we arrived. We looked each other up and down, but kept our distance. It was like one of those “dance off” movies or “Roll Bounce” where one group of friends tries to out skate the other group of friends for control of the rink. It was our best singers versus their best.

That didn’t last long. Soon, the two groups were mingling, sharing the mic, doing duets and even joining together to do an “All Sing” where everyone in the place had to sing Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
A girl from the other group did a hysterical version of “My Funny Valentine” while slithering all over the pool table.

And, the karaoke itself is hysterical. I’m guessing the CD’s they use are bootlegs from overseas, probably Korea as the bartender/owner always sings some sad sounding Korean song, badly, but with a ton of emotion.

While the songs are familiar, they sound like they were recorded in someone’s basement. And the video that plays behind the words look like random shots from stolen vacation video. Pigeons eating breadcrumbs in Rome backup Karen Carpenter. Ocean tides pounding the shore provide the backdrop for Kansas’ “Dust In The Wind.” Watching which video ends up backing up which song can prove most entertaining.

To appreciate Cafe Bong requires an open mind, a laid back attitude and the ability to find beauty in the absurd. Service industry people, actors, artists, writers will love this place. Non-creative types will hate it.

5706 N. Clark St., Chicago

773-275-0430

There’s nothing in this article restaurant, bar and coffee house people don’t already know, but it may help inform a few of your customers.

And for you restaurant and bar patrons reading this, if you really want to do something nice for your server, pay your bill with a credit card, but tip with cash.

It’s the story of a super-hero, The Server, and his busboy sidekick who track down poor tipping, overly-demanding customers.

Just so everyone knows, I’m trying to stay away from the “Customers Suck” theme of so many service industry websites and blogs out there. I’m also a little uncomfortable with some of the stereotypes portrayed in this video.

Dominic, who wrote and directed The Server, has a fairly extensive IMDb profile and The Angry Waiter is always happy to promote the work of people in the industry, so I’m going to assume Dominick was poking fun at those stereotypes and not promoting them.

[youtube width="425" height="355"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=o9eRPzNRHMc[/youtube]

Two bartenders and a dj-turned-photographer were the real hit of the show, though.

Plan B’s own Jamie Reda (pictured), one of the event’s organizers, offered up probably the hottest exhibit of the evening, drawings of human nudes. But, these aren’t your run-of-the-mill nudes - rather than human heads, Jamie draws cartoon rabbit faces and heads on her figures.

Her work combines the beauty of the adult human form with the playfulness and unexpectedness of childhood. If you’re interested in seeing more of Jamie’s work, you can call her at 773-541-1310, but don’t expect her to answer…just leave a message.

Rodney Toler, a professional photographer who took the night off from his part-time bartending gig at T’s Bar and Restaurant (5025 N. Clark), showed six of his pieces - 20 inch by 20 inch photos shot with a 35mm camera, transfered to poloraids and then manipulated giving the photos a somewhat surrealistic feel. Viewers asked him all evening if they wear photos or paintings.

My favorite was a picture of Chicago’s skyline reflected off The Bean sculpture in Millenium Park and then manipulated so the buildings looked as if they were being blown sideways by the wind.

Ben Zeab, a dj and a photographer who chronicles Chicago’s nightlife scene, obviously has a talent for capturing the essence of his subjects. His portraits were hard to miss and few did. Maybe it’s all his years in the club scene - Ben obviously knows how to spot a pretty face and he knows how to shoot one too.

Let’s hope this is just the beginning for B-Side. The crowd has a good time, the entertainment was a blast and, as far as The Angry Waiter is concerned, it was great way for at least three people in the service industry to get some exporsure.

I don’t have all the details, but as I understand it, the idea is to provide a space for service industry people to come out and play their music.  Since so many restaurant, bar and coffee house people work nights, they miss out on a lot of opportunities to play.  This is Uncommon Ground’s answer to that problem.

This is exactly the type of event The Angry Waiter can get behind.  So, start practicing your guitar licks, warm up those voices and get ready to show your fellow bartenders, servers and baristas what you’ve got.

And, for those of you not in the service industry…don’t worry, you’re invited to come and play too.

As I said, I’ll provide more details as they become available.  Oh, and the picture here is of the original Uncommon Ground (3800 N. Clark St.) sorry for the confusion.

As I approached his truck, I saw what looked like a pro-life bumper sticker.  Sure enough, it was.

I don’t mean to make light of an important issue, but the idea of a guy who kills bugs and rodents for a living riding around town with a right-to-life bumper sticker on the back of his work vehicle struck me as more than a little ironic.

Yes, I have a sick mind…My first thought was, “I wonder how the mommy cockroaches and mommy mice feel about this guy?”

To be fair, I called Orkin’s media representative and he says Orkin takes no stance on abortion.  Also, he says the truck is a company owned truck, not a private vehicle, and that Orkin’s policy does not allow drivers to place their own bumper stickers on company trucks.

The bumper sticker includes a web address for VictoryWon.com.  From what I can tell, VictoryWon seems to specialize in selling all sorts of pro-life merchandise including models of fetuses in various stages of development, t-shirts and my favorite, abortion-related Christmas ornaments.

Obviously, this guy’s no Buddhist.