Report from 'The Mirror'
God Bless the Scousers...

ALCOHOLIC SUPER-BUG WASH

Feb 15 2005

Patients drink 62 o proof germ killer

By Lorraine Fisher

A HOSPITAL that introduced an alcohol-based handwash to fight MRSA was stunned to discover boozing patients were drinking the stuff. Staff noticed they were getting through an unusual amount of the special gel, which had been put in wards so people could clean their hands easily and prevent the spread of disease. But patients discovered another use for it. At 62 per cent alcohol, it seemed perfect for an afternoon tipple. A source at University Hospital Aintree, in Liverpool, said: "When we first put out the gel, the worry was that none of the patients or visitors would use it. "So when we kept having to replace the bottles, we were really pleased. "But then we noticed we were getting through it at a rate of knots - far more than we ever expected. We didn't know where it was going until one of the nurses noticed an old lady putting her tea cup underneath the pump and pressing it. "We couldn't believe it. It turned out lots of patients had been helping themselves. "It may seem funny, but it's actually quite worrying because it's very unhealthy." Last year the Department of Health demanded alcohol-based hand rubs be available in all hospitals to fight the rise of MRSA. As no water is needed it is easy and convenient to use and some staff even carry it on their belts. University Hospital uses the Department of Health approved Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer by Gojo Industries. It contains 62 per cent ethyl alcohol and claims to kill 99.9 per cent of germs. To fight bugs, a thumbnail sized amount of gel should be rubbed into the hands until they are dry. Aintree Hospitals NHS Trust, which runs the hospital, said: "There have been a small number of occasions when patients have been caught drinking the gel. "Special vigilance is observed over patients with known alcohol addiction problems and in areas of risk staff carry a personal supply. "Hand cleansing with alcohol gel is an effective infection control measure and we do not intend withdrawing it from use."

The most recent installment of Quantas Gripe reports:

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet"; which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


P Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P Something loose in cockpit.
S Something tightened in cockpit.

P Dead bugs on windshield.
S Live bugs on back-order.

P Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S Evidence removed.

P DME volume unbelievably loud.
S DME volume set to more believable level.

P Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S That's what they're for.

P IFF inoperative.
S IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P Suspected crack in windshield.
S Suspect you're right.

P Number 3 engine missing.
S Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P Aircraft handles funny.
S Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P Target radar hums.
S Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P Mouse in cockpit.
S Cat installed.

P Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S Took hammer away from midget

20 ways to keep a healthy level of insanity:



1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Bin On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Dont Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" (yes Bilge, I know you hear that a lot its not personal (PB))

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. Refuse to finish any typed page, tell anyone who complains 'It's Called Therapy...'


We at AM hope you find this useful in the annyoance of your collegues.

Sincerly

The AM Team

Random silly videos

Medical Record Blunders


The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient had a rash over his truck.

Dictation blunder: lasar radar response (as opposed to vagovagal response).

Test for dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)



First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!



Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?









Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?



You're not very good at this! Are you?



Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper! and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?








Scroll down for answer.





Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.



Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?



Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?


Answer: Nunu?









NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again


Okay, now the bonus round.

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of
sunglasses, how should he express himself?












He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

I can't help but think of dear old Duzz when reading this.

BOY TAKES HOME-MADE EXPLOSIVE TO SCHOOL

AN army bomb disposal team was called to a public school after a pupil made his own version of naplam and took it into class. It is believed that he was seen openly conversing with badgers in the few days beforehand.

His alarmed chemistry teacher immediately told police who called in the army's bomb disposal and anti-badger unit.

The lab and an adjoining classroom were quickly evacuated and the substance taken away and destroyed.

The teenager was given a stern telling-off and warned about making explosive and inflammable materials. The badger thought to be "big bad bob" was not available for comment at this time.

A fellow pupil said: "This lad brought it into class in all innocence and asked the teacher if he could set it off. The teacher was horrified, saying 'Oh my God'."

The boy, aged 14 or 15, brought the napalm in as pupils returned to the £17,000-a-year Woodbridge School in Suffolk after half-term.

He made his naplam - the burning chemical which sticks to flesh - from instructions on the net after seeing it in Vietnam war films and hearing about the local badger conspiracy.

A school statement said: "We followed the standard procedure for such incidents. Yep, panic.

"The army was at the school for approximately 15 minutes and removed the substance."

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: "A team were called to deal with a highly inflammable homemade substance. We can confirm that it was not actually napalm."

Napalm was used in Vietnam in flame throwers and bombs. It was banned by a UN convention in 1980 however badgers are known not to have signed this convention (partly due to the lack of opposable thumbs with which to hold pens.)

Here following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. However it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the motherfucker.

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The other engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

A vicar, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The vicar said, "Hey, here comes the groundsman. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The groundsman replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The vicar said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.

In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for £50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark £1 Knowing where to put it £49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Six

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accouunting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight

people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both.

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

We all know how misleading the description of hotels can be. So we put together a translation table to help you out... So when you see one of the phrases listed on the left, you will know what it really means by reading the translation on the right!


Old world charm - No bath

Tropical - Rainy

Majestic setting - A long way from town

Options galore - Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway - Impossible to find or get to

Pre-registered rooms - Already occupied

Explore on your own - Pay for it yourself

Knowledgeable trip hosts - They've flown in an airplane before

No extra fees - No extras

Nominal fee - Outrageous charge

Standard - Sub-standard

Deluxe - Standard

Superior - One free shower cap

Cozy - Small

All the amenities - Two free shower caps

Plush - Top and bottom sheets

Gentle breezes - Occasional Gale-force winds

Light and airy - No air conditioning

Picturesque - Theme park nearby

Open bar - Free ice cubes

Concierge - Stand with tourist brochures

Continental breakfast - Free muffin

Hmmm well i seem to have been given 50 invites for googles email service Gmail, anyone want them?

Oh the shame of writing randomly abusive messages on your chest with velcro letters. Excellent.

diffident \DIF-uh-dunt; -dent\, adjective:
1. Lacking self-confidence; distrustful of one's own powers;
timid; bashful.
2. Characterized by modest reserve; unassertive.

Get a Card? no? dont worry, someone out there must love you.....

I fouind this on the beeb.

*****

"Chav" - the label for these youngsters - has been named buzzword of the year in Susie Dent's book Larpers and Shroomers: The Language Report.

Miss Dent said it was a "horrible" word but "a good example of a word that has burst out on to the scene".

The book lists buzzwords for every year since "hip" in 1904.

Ms Dent, a regular expert on Channel 4's Countdown, said "chav" was "a good example of a word that has flown under the radar for quite a long time".

It is believed to come from the mid-19th Century Romany word Chavi, meaning child.


A CENTURY OF BUZZWORDS
Miniskirts
1904 hip
1936 spliff
1945 mobile phone What? Mobile phones? in 1945??
1949 Big Brother
1953 hippy
1965 miniskirt
1974 punk
1980 power dressing
1998 text message
2004 chav

"It is one of quite a few social class labels that have emerged," Ms Dent said.

She added that while its current meaning was derogatory, it could evolve into something more positive. A likely story!

"I think we may find that because a lot of people have been quite outraged by it, it starts to transform itself into something quite positive.

"Chav fashion may become something quite cool."

"I wanted to look at how language is changing," Miss Dent said.

As everyone knows, being ginger is caused by inbreeding. Now after gaining this knowledge and witnessing an episode of the new series i noticed that there are far too many ginger kids around Greendale village. I think that it is fairly safe to say we can all blame that filthy ginger posty.

Also whoevers idea it was to remake Captain Scarlet as a CGI programme and not a puppet should be fed to some particularly starved (not to mention numerous) weasels, a fate kinder than they deserve really but I'm being generous today.

Kat has brought it to my attention that there is a petition to get DM released on DVD a worthy cause if there ever was one. So go and sign it now I demand it.

Sign it HERE

Well this is ET's bug now. and I have to say it doesn't look anywhere near complete bless it.

After last Wednesdays murder, i have to say i'm holding out for Watchfield being the new Midsomer although "Watchfield Murders" doesn't have quite the same ring to it. Maybe "Swindon Serial Killers" would be a better name. Yes i like that -Bilge

There are few details of the murder (rather disappointingly) and the police refuse to say anything. The press haven't even covered it. It's not like its a common occurence out here (well not yet anyway but i am noticing an increase in the local squirrel population.)

You know i think the NHS are paying Matt too much :-)

importunate \im-POR-chuh-nit\, adjective:
Troublesomely urgent; overly persistent in request or demand;
unreasonably solicitous.

I think that sums up most peoples bosses nicely -Bilge

Found this on ESATO and couldnt help but think its true.

Yep, its that time of year again, ET and I have started production of the somewhat infamous "ET Show (God help your souls.)" Lock up your pets now, as well as any vaseline (lets not remember what happened there thank you very much.)

Its going to be so bad it'll make Trisha look like a high budget affair. (surely such a thing can never be true -Bilge) Well we'll probably outrage the Daily Mail and get ET locked up.

Jam.

Well its Jim's birthday today, so everyone should give him lots of money, EP90, Cam Cream or Hexi Burners.

Happy Birthday Jim, Try not to end up like this again!

Dick Van Dyke is the man! The roller skating car chase from the DM film last sunday was pure unadolterated class.

Rejoice in his glory.

Amen

Poor kilroy! Following the previous entry i found this picture of him, i'd hardly say he was covered from head to toe. Anyway, he has started his own political party "Veritas." Good for him, after watching "Kilroy, Behind the Tan" the otherday i have come to realise just how bad UKIP is, it's almost a front for the BNP! Go Kilroy!

My reason why fat people should be banned!

Several snowmen run down by a car.

Tragic.

turpitude \TUR-puh-tood; -tyood\, noun:
1. Inherent baseness or vileness of principle, words, or
actions; depravity.
2. A base act.

I think that somes up soooo many people, well mainly the locals.

Sometimes i swear cats are spawned from Satan himself, Mitze is currently "on heat" and has fallen in love with ET (ah bless) and all his goat minions, i only hope she doesnt think she is a goat herself. But her pitiful meowyooooowwweeeyowing is driving everyone insane. Hmmm I don't think I can solve the problem by amputating all of her legs either although the prospect of seeing her whizzing around on 4 stumps does amuse me somewhat i think it might be a bit cruel.

Oh and ET has found that he is destined (by his name) to become a prostitute.

Nasty Nasty Nasty

Well i've updated the websites index page (you know the thing that had the cresent shaped picture that bared no resemblence to the rest of the site) and replaced it with a fairly brief flash animation. Aren't i the hero? what do you mean no?

Screw you!

A man has been arrested after farm manure was thrown over Robert Kilroy-Silk in Manchester.

How terrible, poor Kilroy. I like the fact he carried on with the show regardless (probably how he keeps up his tan anyway!)

Anyway I think we should start a hate campaign against the barbarian that did this to poor Kilroy, he did it "In the name of Islam" so i'm thinking we can do it as a Crusade for her Holiness Bilge, badger pope.

Lovely Jam

Everyday i go into the spar and demand some food for free and everyday they say no. Well except today where on entering spar i neglected to ask for free food, bought my lunch and then they promptly said oh you could have had all this other stuff for free because we are throwing it away.

I use this as proof murphys law exists.

Well apparently the blog looks quite different depending on whether you look at it in IE or Netscape/Mozilla/FireFox and by different i meant it looked crap in IE. I've changed the template to one that works better and have ironed out most of the randomly placed boxes. There is only one problem it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the site, but at least it works.

Chamone!

Watching Robocop 2 last night, ET and I discussed the merits of actually being able to build the robocop 2 thing. Well all we need is a spot of funding and either a local tramps brain (or a dog since they have about the same intelligence as the local populace.)

I plan on using it to create a better world, well one that is local inbred free.

Why must people who design pens insist on fabricating entirely different designs of cartridge that are totally incompatible with one another? Especially when i mistakenly buy a rare brand and have to get the damn things shipped to me. Dammit, i blame ET and Jim (because i can haha.) This wouldn't have happened in the old days when they used to write in the blood of their recently deceased enemies ..... what do you mean they still do that in swindon? they cant do that, they can't even read let alone write.

Happy days.

On a more cheery note i've noticed that there is a new series on BBC3 called "Behind the Tan" and its about Kilroy, bless him. I cant wait to see him get abusive again, it's been so long. I also had the misfortune of seeing the new Trisha show on 5 today, what exactly has she done to her hair? and she was reuniting people, there weren't any fights or inbreds mouthing off! how crap.

Boycott Trisha Goddard now.

Well, its taken me an afternoon but i have finished crafting possibly the largest anti riot weapon ever (well other than ET when he got drunk that time and turned himself into a human battering ram.)

Chamone!

Well i have to say that i'm far more concerned with Jims blatent obsession with goats, not only did he "find" the goat trauma foundation whilst at work (no comment about me writing this at work obviously.) Thinking about it he was quite obsessed with ye olde "Lover Goat" (£12 from Matalan) and recorded its song on his phone as a ringtone.

Hmmm ET do you want to take out an injunction order for your safety?

After much searching on the internet Master Shattock found us this (and people say i'm obsessed with goats!) What I find more worrying is that it apparently started up the same year ET was born, bless his little cotton socks.

ET do you care to comment?

Yes its that time of year when everything goes wrong and you feel the need to shout about it. Well after reading yesterdays paper i have come across the fact that made me nearly choke on my diet coke (much to ETs amusement i might add, but then he knocked his over answering the phone the muppet)

Apparently all you need to get a B in GCSE maths is 17%

17%

I've finally turned into one of those people that says "Well exams were harder in my day" nooooooooo but 17%? Bilge could get more than that and shes been dead for 40 years. I would have imagined writing your name accounts for 10% of the grade these days. What exactly would you need to do to get a C or a D, turn up?

And 45% for an A? now either exams are getting much harder (something about which i have many doubts) or the sad truth of the matter is this:

THERE ARE TOO MANY CHAVS (notice i dont say "thick chavs" since that would be repeating myself)

And to this end Bilge has decreed a holy war on the filthy burberry and cheap argos gold jewellery wearing cretins (damn this swearing ban its killing me!) they are giving the swindon locals a comparitivly good name.

-Miles

Well yes i'm late at posting this but well not like i care! i've been busy coming up with fantastic new ideas for films!

Merry christmas all ye animal mafia faithful, I trust the yuletide badger
will bring you the WMD's of your choice (bilge all dressed in red and white,
awww bless)

And assuming you survive till the end of December have a good new year too!

-Et-

_________________________________________________________________
Express yourself with cool new emoticons http://www.msn.co.uk/specials/myemo

Well i think the title sums it up really. Now people just need to
start using this.

-Miles

--
All Guilt Is Relative, Loyalty Counts And Never Let Your Conscience Be
Your Guide.

Its all good!

Although i'm awaiting a copy of all the Barney songs from Gyn to do the obligatory "Spethal Edition" that includes all the deleted scenes!!

Order your copy now!

Yes ET has been sold for a lowly £32

So i now intend (with his agreement) to sell his shoes in an attempt to raise enough money for him to buy a new pair!


eBay preview adverts

Right Shoe

Left Shoe

• My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
• He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
• It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
• I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
• I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
• And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
• I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
• My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
• Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
• I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
• 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
• I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
• Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
• I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
• The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
• Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
• I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
• Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
• I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
• This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object that is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery, which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cellblock, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast that I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact that can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports, which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits that could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. 84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." 86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency; the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Kenichi Wai!!!! (Also a Japanese Greating)
Bon Anniversaire Duzz!!! To celebrate Duzz'z Birthday Miles, ET and Laura decided to get drunk how nice. Thing is Duzz actually wasn't there! I, for once didnt get drunk how cool. Actually it sucked as every one was falling every where an i wasnt!!! I was deprived. :-(
Oh well tomorrows another sunny day hopefully, as we are going strawberry picking!!!!!!! Waahhhhhhooooooo!!!!!! 8 Days to go!!!!!
Joi Geen (Chinese for Bi bi)