The Answer May Surprise You

Q: If a blog falls into ruin on the webs and no one is there to care, does it make a sound?

2009-08-02T04:50:00.003-04:00

A: Yes. It is the same sound as when doves cry.

Q: Why is my blog banned in China?

2009-03-10T08:33:00.002-04:00

A: FREE TIBET! That should do it.

Q: Well which one of us driving?

2009-02-27T09:22:00.006-05:00

A: A poorly timed ad from that Internet company that magically IQ tested all living celebrities.

Just kidding, by the way. I would never assault anything less than a Mensa member.

POSTSCRIPT: It has been suggested by Radosh, who has a nose for dubiosity, that this might be doctored. It's possible some Internet trickster decided this just wasn't quite funny enough. The font does look a little fishy. Anyway, I will have our fact-checking bureau conduct an exhaustive review immediately.

Q: Did the free markets fail us -- OR DID WE FAIL THEM?

2009-02-25T16:31:00.008-05:00

A: Joe Scarborough (@joenbc):

"Free markets didn't fail us. Fannie and Freddie failed us. Wall Street failed us. Free markets were twisted by greed."

Sooo...I guess what you're saying is the free markets failed us?

No, but seriously guys, you owe the free markets a huge apology.

EARLIER: Bush Liberates Free Markets the Same Way He Liberates Nations, by Destroying Them

P.S.: Follow my Twitter! You can win an Atari or something.

Q: How about a kiss for your Grandmother Dupee?

2009-02-25T11:43:00.003-05:00

A: The Monitor's Jack Siler:

Americans said they wanted more hope and optimism, and by nearly all accounts they got it Tuesday night from President Obama. [...] Still, some of our correspondents raised questions about what the president said and didn’t say. [...]

In Clermont, Fla., our aging "Emptying Nest" community, there was some outright skepticism, particularly about the president’s proposal to raise taxes on the wealthy.

Patchwork Nation blogger Ann Dupee wrote in her blog: "What went through my mind when President Obama spotlighted the young girl [from South Carolina], that she could rise above a difficult situation now and be anything she wanted to be –- a doctor, lawyer, engineer –- was that when she achieved this goal after years of intensive and expensive schooling, her reward will be that she better not make more than $250,000 a year because our government is going to tax her more and take her money because she is now ‘rich.’ Where is the incentive?"

Ann Dupee is right! Let's all stay poor forever!

Q: Hey, can I have your autograph? Just sign it to "Stupid jerk devoted to undermining my presidency."

2009-02-25T09:28:00.000-05:00

A: That's my impression of a House Republican.

Spaghetti and meatballs.

Q: Such wonderful things surround you, what more is you looking for?

2009-02-25T08:44:00.007-05:00

A: Kiwi double amputee Nadya Vessey got a mermaid tail, from Narnia or something. The moral of the story is that being a double amputee is awesome.

Vessey: Darling it's better down where it's wetter

The downside is that she had to give a lady octopus her voice.

Q: Why doesn't Andy Richter just go back to working with Conan O'Brien?

2009-02-24T17:58:00.004-05:00

A: I was just on the phone with Dimitri out in L.A., and we were asking just that. Then I hung up and saw this. Sweet!

Q: Why has the RIAA still not found what it's looking for?

2009-02-24T13:21:00.003-05:00

A: Late Friday, TechCrunch reported that Last.fm had spilled its guts to the recording industry, identifying everyone who'd been illicitly spinning the recently leaked U2 album. Because of the timing of the story's release, many may have missed the subsequent updates, wherein the story turned out to be bullshit. I note it here out of love for Last.fm, and also as further evidence of TechCrunch's burgeoning irrelevance.

(Seriously, Michael Arrington, the only idea more terrible than the Microsoft Store is hiring tech bloggers who think the Microsoft Store is not a terrible idea).

Anyway, the fact that Last.fm still moves in mysterious ways should come as a great relief to anyone worried about being publicly exposed for still caring about new U2 albums. Wow, that would have been embarrassing!

EARLIER: The RIAA's stuck in a moment and it can't get out of it.

Q: Will Dianetics save the economy?

2009-02-24T11:50:00.013-05:00

A: As the U.S. banking system creeps towards nationalization, the FDIC is running our biggest (i.e., most worthless) banks through "stress tests". I find this deeply troubling -- the last time I took a free stress test, I ended up giving three million dollars to Giovanni Ribisi.

Are you there, Xenu? It's me, Ben Bernanke.

On the bright side, they did manage to completely cleanse the engrams from my thetan.

And speaking of getting religion, here's Paul Krugman working his voodoo on reviving zombie banks.

Q: What ever happened to that white dude from the "Lethal Weapon" movies? You know, the one with the terrible American accent?

2009-02-24T11:17:00.008-05:00

A: Crazyface Mel Gibson has emerged from his hideyhole to debut an entertaining trailer for his latest war epic. In case you missed it on the post-Oscars Jimmy Kimmel Live!, or the million blogs that already ran it...

This thing would have Oscar gold written all over it, except I'm pretty sure it'll mostly end up being about how the Civil War was caused by the Jews.

I continue to be disturbed by Mel Gibson pretending to be an American. Of course, he'd still have a career today if he'd focused less on dropping his Australian accent and more on dropping the quintessentially Aussie habit of drunkenly raving in the back seat of police cars.

Q: What do you get when you combine Cheap Trick, the Smashing Pumpkins, Hanson and "That Thing You Do"?

2009-02-23T23:06:00.005-05:00

A: Cheap Blonde Pumpkins of Wayne. Or Tinted Windows, whatever.

Whatever happened to all this season's losers of the year?

Says Balk, "This idea is too genius to be fake." I support anything that leads to Schlesinger proliferation. (Even this).

Q: Is "Arrested Development: The Movie" gonna happen?

2009-02-23T23:02:00.003-05:00

A: "Well, here's the real truth of it: we are going to do it."

Q: Is "The Reader" the worst Best Picture nominee in modern history?

2009-02-22T19:48:00.007-05:00

A: Okay, so I haven't seen it. But it is almost certainly the worst Best Picture nominee in the history of the Tomatometer.

Harvey Weinstein loves my Hitler 2.0 plan, because aside from saving the economy it would give him lots of new material for movies he guilts/blackmails/waterboards everyone into nominating.

When the movie about the plight of poor Muslims is deservedly named Best Picture tonight (and of course it will be), just remember that the terrorists have won. (Harvey wishes he'd thought of that.)

Q: Why are people suddenly Googling "the answer may surprise you"?

2009-02-20T17:48:00.001-05:00

A: Just curious. Did Lou Dobbs devote today's show to scathing personal attacks on me? Please let it be that.

Q: Did Israeli spies plan 9/11?

2009-02-20T10:28:00.005-05:00

A: No -- but their cousins did!

MARAJ, Lebanon — For 25 years, Ali al-Jarrah managed to live on both sides of the bitterest divide running through this region. To friends and neighbors, he was an earnest supporter of the Palestinian cause, an affable, white-haired family man who worked as an administrator at a nearby school.

To Israel, he appears to have been a valued spy, sending reports and taking clandestine photographs of Palestinian groups and Hezbollah since 1983.[...]

It is not the family’s first brush with notoriety. One of Mr. Jarrah’s cousins, Ziad al-Jarrah, was among the 19 hijackers who carried out the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, though the men were 20 years apart in age and do not appear to have known each other well.

This may seem suspicious, but the Lebanese are like the Greeks. The guy has 4,000 cousins. Me, I can barely keep track of how many of my cousins carried out 9/11.

The stranger coincidence is that it turns out his wife assassinated JFK.

Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change Lou Dobbs?

2009-02-20T07:59:00.001-05:00

A: Thirty-seven. And eight AAA batteries.

Wednesday's lead story on Lou Dobbs Tonight was devoted to predatory lending. I found this to be somewhat unusual, because it broke from the Dobbsian tradition of having the lead story every night be illegal aliens. Apparently this led to quite a dispute in the Dobbs War Room, which is exactly like the TMZ offices except everyone is an angry 90-year-old white man. According to my sources, it was the most horrific, nauseating, subhuman battle ever in the history of Aliens vs. Predators.

Q: How many Lou Dobbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (Pt. 2)

2009-02-20T07:56:00.000-05:00

A: None. He just leaves the old one there, because Lou Dobbs is terrified of change.

Q: How many Lou Dobbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2009-02-20T07:55:00.000-05:00

A: None. The job was stolen by goddamned Mexicans!

Q: What's the secret ingredient in Google Maps' face-blurring technology?

2009-02-19T18:51:00.004-05:00

A: Google Maps' ever-spreading "Street view" feature has added a technology for automatically blurring out the faces of the people it photographs walking out of porn shops or whatever. It works really well -- sometimes too well:

View Larger Map

If I were selling that slop, I'd want my face blurred too.

Q: Does Andrew Sullivan have some kind of custom RSS feed for horrifying YouTube videos?

2009-02-19T18:10:00.009-05:00

A: Yesterday when I posted that German flower mutants video, I was going to make a joke about it being Andrew Sullivan's most disturbing find since the sashaying horse. Then he goes and ups the ante today with this terrifying high-speed snail gangbang:

Boww chikka bow wow.

EDIT: This may or may not actually be some sort of snail torture porn. Sullivan has replaced it with, what else, another Pet Shop Boys video. I will leave it up, because either way, at least Dick Cheney will find it arousing.

EDIT, PART 2: According to a YouTube commenter, these snails are not, in fact, being salted to death:

"these snails are not dying, i have slug infestation in my home and they die in less than 30 seconds if you salt them. these snails are hibernating, the foam they make dries to leave a watertight seal and snails can survive inside their shells without food for months. these snails have realised there is no food about so have entered "stasis". the bit i found gross was the snail orgy you appear to have filmed. i think theres a touch of salt to stop them from leaving but not enough to kill."

I report, you decide.

Q: Why aren't we drinking our troubles away anymore?

2009-02-19T13:30:00.002-05:00

A: God help us, not even Nate Silver knows.

What ever happened to beer being the cause of and solution to all society's problems? No wonder we're having a crisis of confidence.

Q: Where's Hitler when you really need him?

2009-02-18T21:25:00.004-05:00

A: Feeling down in the dumps over the terrible economy? Well, Paul Krugman is here to cheer you up. Or, wait, no, make you feel much worse. Bottom line, Kruggers?

The bottom line is that there has been basically no wealth creation at all since the turn of the millennium: the net worth of the average American household, adjusted for inflation, is lower now than it was in 2001.

Good times. Good. Times. Fear not, though, there's still hope. For one thing, the Cheney household is doing better than ever. Plus:

If you want to see what it really takes to boot the economy out of a debt trap, look at the large public works program, otherwise known as World War II, that ended the Great Depression. The war didn’t just lead to full employment. It also led to rapidly rising incomes and substantial inflation, all with virtually no borrowing by the private sector. By 1945 the government’s debt had soared, but the ratio of private-sector debt to G.D.P. was only half what it had been in 1940. And this low level of private debt helped set the stage for the great postwar boom.

Hurray! Now all we have to do is go to war with Germany, beat them, appease them, wait for them to create a new Hitler, and then beat them again, with a little bit of Japan nuking for good measure.

Just be sure not to read Krugman's conclusion and everything will be sunshine and lollipops forever.

At first I was feeling guilty about all the Germans we'd have to explode, but then I saw this clip from Deutschland kinder-television [via] and all my doubts went right out the window.

Q: Want to know everything you need to know about everything you don't want to know about the economy?

2009-02-18T18:47:00.001-05:00

A: Watch last night's Frontline -- or as Videogum calls it, "That Amazing Frontline Everyone's Talking About".

You better go watch it before everyone makes fun of you.

Q: Is it really illegal for atheists to hold public office in Arkansas?

2009-02-18T13:41:00.000-05:00

A: Yes and no. Especially no.

See, this is how rumors get started. A post last week on the WaPo's Under God blog reported that Arkansas state Rep. Richard Carroll (the Green Party's highest-ranking elected official) had introduced a resolution to repeal Article 19, Section 1 of the state's 1974 Constitution, whereby: "No person who denies the being of a God shall hold any office in the civil departments of this State, nor be competent to testify as a witness in any court." As Under God's David Waters writes:

Arkansas is one of half a dozen states that still exclude non-believers from public office. [...]

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled all such state provisions unconstitutional and unenforceable in a 1961 ruling in a Maryland case: "We repeat and again reaffirm that neither a State nor the Federal Government can constitutionally force a person 'to profess a belief or disbelief in any religion.'"

Carroll is merely trying to do some symbolic constitutional housecleaning...

Waters goes on to say that Carroll might face opposition from the wahoos who run Arkansas, but the point stands: It's a "symbolic" gesture meant to clean an outdated provision off the books. But when the U.S. News' Bonnie Erbe reblogged the story, she left the bit about symbolism out:

Can it be constitutional to exclude from public service or service as a witness in a state court any and all atheists? Such a practice is so throw-back in nature, that it reminds one of the Spanish Inquisition. And yet, when I read the first part of this Washington Post piece, I was flabbergasted to find that Arkansas is one of a half-dozen states that does so.

I don't know that it reminds me of the Spanish Inquisition so much as, oh, say, 19th Century Utah.

Anyway, Erbe's piece rocketed up the charts at Reddit, where it now hovers near the top of the front page, declaring "Arkansas, 5 Other States, Ban Atheists from Public Service. Seriously..."

Well, I have some good news for you, Bonnie Erbe & the Redditors. The first good news is that "Bonnie Erbe & the Redditors" is the greatest name I've ever heard for a 1960s R&B act. The second bit of good news is that state provisions that have been ruled unenforceable by the Supreme Court are... wait for it... unenforceable.

Richard Dawkins: Future mayor of Little Rock.

For one thing, any Arkansas prosecutor who sought to bar a witness' testimony based on Article 19 is basically giving the defendant a "Get Out of This Court's Ruling Free" card. And the only thing stopping an atheist from getting elected in Arkansas is the wahoos who live in Arkansas. I mean, how do you even test for atheism? Sadly, atheists don't float -- and I'm pretty sure the Supreme Court has ruled burning them at the stake to be unconstitutional.

One of the downsides to recording all of our laws in constitutions and books and such (rather than letting a dictator decide on the fly) is that, because there happen to be a lot of laws, there tends to be a lot of bureaucracy involved, and sometimes the massiveness of that bureaucracy means no one has a chance to remove all the old, dumb laws no one follows anymore. For instance, right here in Cleveland, did you know...

it's illegal for women to wear patent leather shoes, "lest men see reflections of their underwear"?
And illegal to catch mice without a hunting license?
Or that in North Canton, it's illegal to roller skate, or play any game in a public park without alerting the proper authorities?
Or that in Bay Village and McDonald, Ohio, it's illegal to parade a cow or duck, respectively, down the main drag?

Seriously, there are enough dumb laws in Ohio and all over this big, dumb nation to fill up a big, dumb Web site of them: namely, DumbLaws.com. But just because a dumb law is still on the books doesn't mean anyone still considers it valid. Policemen in Lima, OH, are explicitly permitted to quiet dogs by biting them, but I'm pretty sure all the "Cop Bites Dog" stories in Lima end with somebody handing over their badge.

In all of my research, by which I mean 35 seconds of Googling, I was unable to find any evidence of Arkansas' Article 19, Section 1 being invoked in modern times. And regardless of what happens to Carroll's resolution, it almost certainly never will, not without SCOTUS getting involved. That's what the Supreme Court's for. (But not Scalia. He'd be happy to give you the chair for your duck-parading ways. And I'm pretty sure he bites dogs just for fun.)