The Apple: A Mets News Blog That's 0% Accurate, 100% Funny

"Watching History From The Worst Seats In The House" Or "The Night Johan Santana Blessed Mets Fans With A No-Hitter"

2012-06-02T00:53:00.000-04:00

I can't sleep so I might as well write. Where do I begin? Tonight was special. Tonight was historic. Tonight was glorious. It was "spectorious" if you will. Johan Santana put the franchise on his shoulders and delivered Mets fans the no-hitter they have been waiting for, some might even say obsessing over, for over 50 years.

No-hitters have a way of turning the even the most hardened jinx-deniers into a superstitious mess, and that is how I ended up watching history from one of the worst spots in the ballpark, the Promenade Club. Now before I go on, keep in mind the Promenade Club is not necessarily a bad place. It just wasn't designed with watching the game in mind. But on an unseasonably chilly June night, keeping Mrs. The Apple @food_fashgirl from freezing was the priority and really, what am I going to miss, right?

So this was how I ended up saddled up to the window that overlooks a portion of the playing field with monitors on a delay to show you the rest. It's a pretty terrible way to watch a game but hey, we'll watch a couple of innings and then move to a better spot right?

Let me make one thing clear. I don't believe in no-hit jinxes. I don't believe in curses of Bambinos or goats or cats or any of that stuff. Yet, in the 5th inning with Johan pitch count at about 349, I turned to friends Keith @mediagoon & Sean @theseankenny who had joined us and jokingly asked "If this plays out like it might, we can't leave this club can we." to which Keith nodded in agreement. It was an uncharacteristic moment of superstition for me but hey, the guy is at like 75 pitches in the 5th. I'm pretty sure we're not seeing history tonight, right?

But we did see history tonight, even if it was through soundproof, and I suspect bulletproof, glass. We watched the first no-hitter in Mets history.

But this felt like more than a no-hitter. From my soundproof box, it felt more like an exorcism. Johan and company were exorcising the demons of a rough few years in Flushing. Those demons from 2006 kept coming back me no matter how much I would rather not think of them. The phrase that kept crossing my lips as the game progressed was "Of course it would be...". Beltran laces one down the line. "Of course it would be Beltran." My favorite Met since Alfonzo would surely break it up. Yadier Molina drives one to the wall. "Of course it would be Yadier." One of the most hated villians in recent Mets history would certainly be the one to wreck it. Those horrible red jerseys with birds on them that fans who kept walking by my window were wearing. "Of course it would be the Cardinals." These guys again.

Surely one of these demons would rise up and make tonight just another ballgame. But it never happened. Beltran's ball went "foul". Mike Baxter literally ran through a wall to glove Molina's shot. The Cards folded and Citi Field rocked like it never has in it's young life. Johan Santana delivered the elusive no-hitter. Mets fans can stop playing Sisyphus and stop pushing that no-hitter boulder up the mountain.

Tonight was different from the other 8019 in Mets history. Tonight was the night Boss.

Sleep well Mets fans...I promise you I will not.

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Murphtracker 2012 Update: Murph Keeps Rolling

2012-05-31T21:19:00.001-04:00

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Banner Day!

2012-05-29T07:00:00.000-04:00

Sunday was Banner Day at Citi Field and of course The Apple was in the building to participate. I decided to go against type and go with a loving tribute as opposed to my usual shtick. Here's the full banner...

For a great look at more of banner day, check out this great recap from Shannon Shark over at Mets Police.

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

Happy Memorial Day Mets Fans!

2012-05-28T10:06:00.001-04:00

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Johan To Padres: I Award You No Points And May God Have Mercy On Your Soul

2012-05-26T17:39:00.000-04:00

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

Mets Brain-trust Holds Meeting About Ike, Also Enjoys The Free WiFi At Panera

2012-05-25T07:00:00.000-04:00

On Thursday morning Mets GM Sandy Alderson called a meeting of his braintrust. Attending were Jeff Wilpon, J.P. Ricciardi, Paul DePodesta, manager Terry Collins, and, of course, team mascot Mr. Met. The meeting was held at a local Panera Bread because of the free WiFi and also J.P. really likes the mac and cheese there.

The Apple was allowed to sit in so here is a transcript of the meeting:

SA: Glad you could all make it. I think you know what we need to talk about. We've got to make a decision about Ike Davis. In a nutshell - the guy is not hitting a lick. We all know Ike is a good guy, a fine fielder, and popular with his teammates. But it's gotten to the point where I'm not sure if I prefer to see him at the plate or Mike Nickeas. And when that's the situation then tough decisions have to be made. Let's hear first from our numbers guy, "Peter Brand."

PD: Damn it, Sandy. I've asked you not to call me that but it's always DIG, DIG, DIG with you isn't it?
Anyway boss, you know I projected Ike before the season to give us an OPS of about 850 with 20 to 25 HRs. We're a quarter way through the season and he's hitting like .160 with an OPS barely over 500. If he starts hitting "like he should" right now he probably can reach 20 homers and maybe an OPS of 750 or so.

SA: But will he start hitting like he should right now?

PD: How the hell should I know?

SA: Great. Big help. Who's next? What do you have for me J.P.?

JR: Sandy, my concern is who will play first if we make the move and send Ike down. As I see it we could bring Duda in from rightfield where he is atrocious or we can slide Murph over. If it's Duda then we can fill the vacant outfield slot with Bay when he comes off the DL.

SA: Something I have decidedly mixed feelings about.

JR: As I was saying. If it's Murph then we can finesse second base with Cedeno, Turner, or even Valdespin. While none of this looks good, none of it looks as bad as Ike flailing away clueless at the plate.

SA: Can't disagree with you there. Terry, you got anything on the subject?

TC: Hey, you guys know I love my guys and Ike's one of my favorites. But he's killing us out there. Every few days he'll catch a foul ball that no one else would get to but that aint going to put runs up on the scoreboard. So if you all decide to make the move then I'll make it happen with someone at firstbase.

SA: Jeff? Oh for Pete's sake, will you get your head out of the Daily News and tell us what you're thinking.

JW: It says right here the Yankees might sell for about $3 BILLION!! What do you think Dad, Saul, and I could get for our team?

SA: Come on Jeff. That's not what this meeting is about. What should we do with Ike?

JW: You're the baseball geniusses. You decide and if it's not going to cost the team more money then I'm for it.

SA: Alright. Let's put it to a vote. And I don't want anyone influencing anyone else so write down on this 3x5 card what you think we should do and I'll tally the votes. (Hands each a card. Scribbling can be heard on the tape.)

SA: OK. Here's a vote to keep Ike here. And now here's one to send him down and that's another one in favor of a demotion. And here's one I can't read at all. Who writes like this? This handwriting is terrible....

(Mr. Met stands shrugs and dejectedly leaves)

SA: He's so damn touchy. Anyway the consensus is to send him to Buffalo. Let's give him just a couple of more games. Statistics show that Buffalo is 12% less depressing in June. Also, if anyone in the media asks our story is that we have no intention of sending him down.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Story by Larry Smith. You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

As Bad As "Somebody Left The Gate Open" Is, I Still Think This Is Worse...

2012-05-24T20:02:00.001-04:00

Anyone else subjected to these nightmares during Mets games? There's like a whole series of these for various City Island restaurants. Apparently, Horrible Commercials Inc. was having a sale in City Island.

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The Fans Have Voted And Your New Subway Car Mets Are...

2012-05-24T15:48:00.000-04:00

David "The Captain" Wright, R.A. "Kilimanjaro" Dickey, Johan "El Gocho" Santana, Daniel "#ImWith28" Murphy & newcomer Kirk ~~Fluugenvanheimler~~...um let's just call him Kirk. Thanks for voting.

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

Murphtracker 2012 Update: Murph Takes Canada

2012-05-21T13:01:00.000-04:00

Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple. #ImWith28

Vote Your Favorite Mets On Or Off The Apple's Subway Car

2012-05-18T16:16:00.001-04:00

I've been getting a few request for various players to be added to the subway car in the site header so I've decided to put the choice in your hands. Vote for your favorite players below. The top 5 vote getters will get to ride the train...

Which Mets Should Be On The Apple's Subway Car?

Murphtracker 2012 Update: Happy Hockey Flight

2012-05-17T22:10:00.001-04:00

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Frank Francisco Truly Is "The Most Interesting Closer In The World"

2012-05-17T16:47:00.000-04:00

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

Mets Closer Frank Francisco Starts Screaming Telegram Business

2012-05-16T07:00:00.000-04:00

Everyone has someone in their life that they want to rip into for one reason or another. Boss making you work late? Husband not taking out the trash? Neighbor's dog keeping you up? Sure it would feel great to just have a meltdown and tear them a new one but that isn't always socially acceptable. Fortunately, Mets "closer" Frank Francisco has the answer...let him yell at them for you.

Introducing Frank Francisco's Rage-Grams. For a small fee, Frankie will show up at your target's home or place of business and just go off on them. Whether or not they even actually wronged you is irrelevant to Francisco. As long as you pay he'll get the job done. Plus, Frank Francisco is completely confidential, so your victim won't even know why they are being yelled at. For an additional charge he'll even have Terry Collins get between him and the target to make the whole thing that much more confusing and terrifying for your victim.

So call 1-800-I-YELL-4-U today and let Frankie go nuclear on someone for you.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

MurphTracker 2012: A Very Special Mother's Day Update

2012-05-13T11:57:00.000-04:00

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Video: What It Would Look Like Had The Mets Simply Chose To End The Season After Sweeping The Phillies...

2012-05-11T16:30:00.003-04:00

The Mets just swept the Phillies in Philly. It doesn't get any better than that. So, why are they going to continue playing games after this? Call me a cynic, but this could realistically end up being the high point of the season. So why not just walk away while you're on top? I'll even go one step further and say the credits should roll after the Davis 3-run shot, don't even show the actual ending to the game. Don't believe me? Watch this video of how the season could possibly end and tell me I'm not on to something...

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

"There's Nothing Wrong With The SNY Scorebug" Says Scorebug Designer Carlos Beltran

2012-05-09T22:20:00.000-04:00

"Just move on and enjoy the game Mets fans" - Carlos Beltran

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

PhiLOLdelphia!

2012-05-08T22:24:00.000-04:00

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Even More David Wright Photoshops

2012-05-08T18:45:00.002-04:00

These came in from my buddies at the Atlanta Braves blog Talking Chop, specifically Danny Hong. Superb work Danny!

Everybody gets one!

David Wright: Average Joe

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

What If... David Wright Had Hosted SNL Instead Of Eli Manning?

2012-05-08T18:04:00.002-04:00

I can't help but wonder...is the banana still larger?

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

More Hilarious Entries Into The David Wright Photoshop Challenge

2012-05-07T18:32:00.000-04:00

MJ by Guidishfish via Amazin' Avenue

Atomic Elbow by RJantz3198 via Email

Sergeant Pepper by CTRefJay via Amazin' Avenue

One Crazy Summer by FrancoTAU via Amazin' Avenue

Let It Be by @MetGiantRanger via email

Ghostbusters by RexTheJet via Amazin' Avenue

Kruger's Family Photo by RexTheJet via Amazin' Avenue

Birthday Boy by Sam Jacobs via Facebook

Ice Cream Thief by Sam Jacobs via Facebook

Oral Exam by Sam Jacobs via Facebook

Two And A Half Men by Ray G. via Facebook

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

Rather Than Suspend Cole Hamels The MLB Should Sentence Him To A Worse Punishment...

2012-05-07T10:10:00.002-04:00

...make him play goalie for the Flyers.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

The Obligatory "Mets As The Avengers" Pic...

2012-05-04T07:00:00.000-04:00

...and yes that's Ruben Tejada as Black Widow.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

No Mets Game Tonight, Perfect Time To Update The Murphtracker

2012-05-03T20:03:00.000-04:00

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Check Out Some Of The Hilarious Early Entries In The Apple's David Wright Photoshop Contest

2012-05-03T16:15:00.000-04:00

This is why I love my readers. Last night I challenged you to go to work on this David Wright photo and you guys did not disappoint. Here's a look at some of the best submissions so far.

He's still out there!!! from @BoobiesNStanton via Twitter

American Gothic by Ray G. via Facebook

Monkey! by Fred Nunez via email

Mr. Owl by Ogre39666 via Amazin' Avenue

A Christmas Story by SJ10689 via Amazin' Avenue

You Gonna Finish That Mo? by SJ 10639 via Amazin' Avenue

Keep them coming guys. You can get the original Wright image here. I'm going to send a "prize" to whoever comes up with the one that makes me laugh the hardest.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

Mets Fans: Take The David Wright Photoshop Challenge

2012-05-02T21:43:00.000-04:00

Ok so when I logged on to Mets.com today to check on the Mets game I was greeted with this:

Now there are a number of things wrong with this picture but let's just focus on David. Is that seriously the only photo they had or are intentionally trying to make Wright look stupid. Regardless, the (Photoshop or MS Paintz for you Amazin' Avenue types) potential is astronomical.

But why should I have all the fun? I'm opening this one up to the public. Take Captain Tongue over here and digitally insert him into any ridiculous scenario you please. Send them to me at readtheapple@gmail.com or post them at facebook.com/readtheapple. If you guys come up with some good stuff I'll pick a winner and send them an underwhelming prize package. I've even made it easier for you by isolating our boy David here:

I'll even get the ball rolling with one of my own.

OK, now lets see what you guys come up with.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.