The Armchair Empire's Propaganda Machine

Brutal Legend Companion Video

2013-05-24T10:16:00.001-07:00

A video companion piece to my recent Brutal Legend review on The Armchair Empire - Infinite. Here's a link to the full review in case you missed it.

Killing Data

2013-05-23T13:23:00.004-07:00

The other day I cancelled the data plan for my phone.

For some, this might be the equivalent of suddenly deciding to live under a rock.

But it was a move that I needed to take after I realized how much time I frittered away scanning Twitter, Facebook, news sites, etc. looking for something to fill the time while I commuted, waited for the lights to change, went to the bathroom... It allowed me to avoid thinking for any length of time because I could always jump to something else in a bid to be entertained or somehow educated and kept up-to-date on what was happening in the world.

The moment of realization really began with a ride on the Seabus. I looked up an saw every other person madly texting or otherwise glued to their phone. For the rest of the ride home I left my phone on my hip and just watched, at the same time thinking about the necessity of being always connected to the Internet.

And it's not necessary.

Not to be confused
with...

I used to think what a time saver it would be to have the ability to send and answer emails while on the move, even though I hate using the touch screen to peck out messages and the fact I rarely responded to email while en route, I successfully fooled myself into thinking it was somehow better. Or needed.

Layer the fact that the data plan accounted for about half the phone bill, I wondered why I hadn't already cancelled it.

I'm in front of a computer all day and wifi hotspots are abundant, why did I need data for my phone?

I'll admit that it can come in handy when looking up a phone number or trying to access some other piece of information, but I always have the option to switch on data for brief periods to grab information. In an emergency situation, mind you.

... Rodin's Thinker.

I find that I'm thinking about things more, even if it's just base level like, "Man, that dude over there stinks. When was the last time he bathed? What kind of bacteria is swimming under his armpits right now?" Maybe if I can figure out that small thing, some greater truth might be revealed. Maybe. Whatever the case, my battery charge lasts a lot longer.

So, in summation: data cancelled, more money in my pocket (in theory), and more time to think.

Come to think of it, I'm probably less on edge as well because I'm not constantly reading horribly tragic news stories so add, "Happier" to that list.

Christy Clark and Me

2013-04-24T14:28:00.002-07:00

The audio in the YouTube clip above came from an appearance on the Christy Clarke Show (on CKNW AM980 in Vancouver, BC) when I was guest just before Christmas 2007. I was there as a video game expert to talk about games, what was hot/not, what kids should and shouldn’t be playing, etc. Unfortunately for me – and I’ve done nothing to rectify this particular issue – I have zero media training so it’s kind of difficult to listen to five years after the fact.

Christy’s first question, “So, what are the hot games this Christmas?”

What do I do? I completely sidestep the question and start monologuing about ESRB ratings.

The original question is a solid start and I’m sure I could have naturally slipped in information about the ESRB along the way, but I answer a question that wasn’t asked.

In the first section of the clip, it’s just Christy and I talking and the whole time I was wondering when we’d start taking calls. The fact we weren’t just filled me with dread because it meant I wasn’t engaging enough for people to want to call in with a question. My wife was thinking the same thing but I found out during the commercial break that there was a problem with the phones and they had fixed it for the second half.

First caller: my wife.

Since there were no calls to be heard, she became so concerned that I was boring the Lower Mainland, she called the radio station and sat on hold for 10 minutes until they figured out the phone situation. As the familiar sounds of home filtered across the studio speakers, I momentarily felt like I needed to bring to attention that this caller was my wife but for all I knew this would be the only caller.

Fortunately, there were other callers and just as I was getting into a groove, time was up and my segment was over. Besides starting to feel comfortable and actually answering questions that were asked of me rather than answering questions that hadn’t been asked, most importantly, as opposed to my previous appearance with Jeff on Paul Myers’ Show (in 2003, previously posted clip can be found here), I didn’t descend into making things up on the fly. Score 1 for me!

As a footnote to this whole thing, it’s worth noting that Christy Clark (BC Liberal) is currently the Premier of British Columbia. That may all change in May when the Provincial Election happens – if current polls are credible, it will change – because the current election campaign is getting pretty nasty.

Couple Hours of BioShock Infinite

2013-04-03T14:09:00.002-07:00


Hidden message in the title?

Besides getting a feeling of déjà vu a number of times during the opening hour or so of BioShock Infinite, I was struck by the repetition of character models.

Really, Irrational? This is the best you could come up with? Most games will hide the repetition of character models or mask it somehow, but BioShock Infinite does zero to hide the fact they’re all the same. The kid selling papers is the exact same kid sitting on the garbage can a couple dozen feet away! After having “rescued” Elizabeth from the tower and splash landed on a beach, the same issue appeared. Of the couple dozen NPCs going through the motions on the sand, there were maybe three different characters to see.

Of course, then I started thinking there might be larger implications to this because of the way my brain processed the opening of the game, which pinged the same part of my brain that the television show LOST punched on a regular basis. It’s that part of my brain where I try to figure out mysteries, make up answers to questions that weren’t even asked in the first place. The game opens at the base of lighthouse, which first reminded me of the original BioShock and the opening plane crash, then after a quick ascent you come across a hooded figure bound to a chair, an obvious bullet hole in his forehead. There’s no obvious reason for this scene, no discernible explanation why this guy’s life ended the way it did.

Then you head outside and activate a puzzle which concludes with the sky lighting up and some really ominous smoke monster/Close Encounters of the Third Kind musical noises then rocketing up the Columbia after doing something really dumb.

Under no circumstances should you ever sit in a chair – no matter how comfortable it looks – that is situated by itself at the top of lighthouse.

Booker rockets up to the flying/floating metropolis of Columbia…

…to wade through a baptismal pool that stretches for rooms.

A near drowning – or maybe Booker really does drown – then he regains consciousness amid a cloud of freakin’ hummingbirds. Not long after checking the first garbage can for food and/or money – because, let’s face it, that’s the first thing we’d all do – Booker chews through some guy’s face with a “skyhook” after the “AD” brand on his right hand pegs him as the one who will “lead the lamb astray.”

There’s a lot going on – a number even gets thrown in for good measure, “77”, which is coincidentally the year of my birth and the year Elvis died (think about it) – so my brain has started spinning out answers to questions that may or may not be asked. Barely more than an hour in and my brain has started vomiting theories. How any of it comes together in a meaningful way obviously remains to be seen.

I will say that the game has become much more enjoyable now that Elizabeth is part of the game. The interaction between Booker and Elizabeth is great so far…

At the very least, she’s a different character model to look at

Take It to the Grave

2013-03-15T14:23:00.002-07:00

One thing about this blog that I constantly struggle with is how much of myself I should reveal, especially because there’s some anxiety – fear? – that my kids or parents will find the blog and suddenly know things they shouldn't. (And just typing that sentence might be enough to get both groups to wondering.)

I’ve always viewed personal blogs as online diaries. But I think a lot of people don’t know how the Internet works.

People pour out their souls and innermost thoughts with little thought on how it might impact their job prospects, dating chances, and so on. Do you really want a potential employer or that cutie responding to your OKCupid profile to have the option of running your name through Google and finding that blog post you wrote about how you like to lick parrots? Or that travelogue of semi-legal houses of prostitution in Nevada? That half-remembered trip to Amsterdam? What about that post where you described in vivid detail the horrible rash developing on your inner thigh? Your marital problems? Your confessional post where you list all the people you ever stole money from?

“This man Jenkins, we should hire him,” says HR. “Let’s just type his name into Google here… oh, DEAR LORD! He made a sculpture of Mickey Mouse out of his own snot!”

So, that’s kind of where this blog is. I don’t want to reveal too much of what’s actually going on in my head. That’s why so much of what I write about is neutral video game or action figure stuff or posts about writing. Or random thoughts with no particular point. Gazing outward or inward, rather than splitting open the Mind Vault and drowning everyone in unnecessary and private details of my life.

It reminds me of that episode of The Simpsons where Homer teaches a class on marriage and spills the beans of his married life with Marge. She understandably becomes enraged and boots him out of the house.

Some things should just stay private.

Whatever happened to the thought of taking something to the grave? Why did that go out of fashion? Now it’s about posting it to Facebook or Tweeting a picture of something that just maybe no one else needs to know about.

Imagine taking a handful of your last “drunk vacation” pics and approaching people on the street, asking them to look at the pictures and hear the stories behind them. You’d likely be ignored and/or actively avoided – a pan handler that doesn't want money. (That’s the worst kind of pan handler, by the way.)

Somehow, online is the avenue for laying your psyche bare and writing about things that less than 10 years ago would have been mentioned to close family and friends, and then maybe in an embarrassed whisper.

I understand that it works the other way as well. If you have a Cause or need to spread the word about something, jumping onto a social media and spreading information like so much jam, is quick, easy, and can reach hundreds, thousands of people within minutes.

“My dog was just kidnapped! Keep your eye out for this pooch!” <DOG PICTURE HERE>

I've done that very thing. Privacy be damned, I don’t care if people know I have a chocolate lab named Dupree, I need to find him!

But points of friction in my marriage? Conflict with family? Yeah, that’s not your business. It’s not my employers or co-workers business either.

Anyway, that’s why you won’t get the inside scoop on my private life here.

The Waffle/Spaghetti Divide

2013-03-05T17:25:00.002-08:00

Too often I let me brain dip into quasi-philosophy where it has no business dipping. No reason other than the fact I'm so easily sidetracked by other things. Or I start meandering down some critical pathway only to get confused about where I was actually going with my Point.

In trying to order my thoughts and figure out what I actually, you know, think about things it often feels I'm swimming upriver, fighting a current or smacking up against a dam.

Some kind of wall.

I chalk it up to the Waffle/Spaghetti Divide. While I'm not one to hold up stereotypes, I will right here.

Think of a man’s mind like a waffle. Neat compartments. Now imagine each of those compartments to contain some problem or issue or thought or syrup. Man comes to a problem in one of those neat pockets, fixes it or addresses it somehow, then moves on. Here’s a problem; come up with a solution.

Think of a woman’s mind like a plate of spaghetti. A woman comes upon a problem – a spaghetti strand – and starts to address it only to find that the strand touches just about everything on the plate. You can’t start solving the first problem without solving or mentioning every other question, issue, or problem that original spaghetti strand touches.

Conflict is the follow-up to this horrible waffle/spaghetti meal.

While a man can pronounce an issue dealt with (therefore, forgotten almost immediately), a woman needs to swiggle all over the place touching on everything from the numbers of pets she had as child, the background of a woman she met last week, and how much she paid for a knickknack two years ago as she discusses with the man why she thinks so-and-so political party will be getting her vote during the upcoming election. But she can get to the point, no matter how circuitous. (Even if the principle thought banging around in the guy's head is, "When is she going to get to the point?")

I think these struggles with quasi-philosophy and trying to run down a point is just a little too close to spaghetti. My brain’s not used to working like that and when I try it not only frustrates me, it frustrates and erodes the patience of the person I'm speaking with.

There is some co-existence required of Waffles/Spaghetti Divide – having a demilitarized zone between each doesn't help anyone – so the next time your significant other tries to sum things up in a single sentence or rambles for 15 minutes before reaching a conclusion, just remember that your problems don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Love your waffles, love your spaghetti.

Brutal Menu

2013-03-01T22:41:00.002-08:00

Playing Brutal Legend again on PC reminded me just how awesome the main menu navigation is. I'll be posting a clip of this somewhere for sure. Feels like a lot of creative energy was poured out to get this just right.

Beginning

2013-02-27T18:10:00.001-08:00

With every beginning, there's obviously some kind of end.

You see new sprouts popping up in some places as we get closer to the calendar start of Spring. A lot of trees around here get that hazy green look to them. Then, almost overnight, there are leaves and flowers. But before that -- the way things are right now -- everything looks pretty much dead.

It's the clockwork aspect of this cycle that has always intrigued me. If humanity vanished tomorrow -- every man, woman, child, and points in-between -- just up an went, the seasons would stretch inextricably from one to the next without fail. Trying to figure out how all of that works -- spinning of the Earth, tilt of the Earth, the orbit of the Earth around the sun, weather, ocean currents, and so on -- hurts my brain. The amount of balance required to keep things just so is difficult for me to comprehend, especially given the scale of, well, the universe.

I don't like letting my brain stray into that territory if only because it makes me feel like a speck. Barely a mote. Insignificant compared to the vast OUT THERE-NESS of the rest of existence, of which we've barely scratched the surface of and may never actually accomplish to any extent. Forget the rocket-to-face of discovering other life out there, if it's there at all. This isn't Mass Effect or Star Trek or Star Wars or Alien or ALF. This is reality and the reality of making a connection with some other race out there... well, it's billions of trillions to one. A long shot.

Sure, scientist have located Earth-like planets out there, millions of light year away -- "practically next door!" -- but that hardly guarantees life.

So much of the universe seems to hinge on balance. Too much of this; too little of that. KABlooey! Or merely a whiff. A cosmic fart in jacuzzi -- unnoticed and insignificant.

While all these zillions bits of chaos blasting through the universe, it's a wonder we're even here in the first place. A fluke? An abberation?

Then question comes, "Can we affect the balance?" On Earth, sure. We've seen that time and again, especially in present day. Technology has allowed us to roam the Earth with impunity for the most part -- spilling and despoiling as we claw over one another for land, space to live, and accommodate the mechanization of pretty much everything. Earth is a closed system the same way a hamster cage works, so of course, humanity has some agency on the way things turn out here. But free of Earth... Could we move stars? Start pushing Universal Balance around to suit our ends? Though I have trouble grasping the purpose of why we'd be moving stars or creating artificial black holes, I don't think humanity will ever have that kind of power of technology.

Million? Billions of years from now? How does one predict what will happen that far ahead? What about 50 years? Even that one is tough.

But to my original point. I've just been thinking about Spring and this stuff started boiling inside me.

Talk about tangents!

1UP Show Finale (Fan Fic)

2013-02-21T17:26:00.002-08:00

On December 17, 2008 -- the date's important -- I posted my 1UP Show Finale treatment on my 1UP blog. Basically it amounted to fan fic, but it could be seen as PROPHECY! I've copied/pasted it here from my 1UP blog simply to preserve it. Enjoy!

I submitted this screenplay to Demian Linn prior to his departure from 1UP and I held hope that the screenplay might be turned into an episode of the 1UP Yours Show. Matt Chandronait tells me that it won't be used leaving me free to post it on my blog. (It has a surprise ending and I wouldn't want to ruin it if it was going to be used on the 1UP Show.) It was setup as a finale episode, so keep that in mind, and written purely as a creative exercise to keep my brain active. (And please forgive the formatting!)

So, here we go!

INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – SHANE BETTENHAUSEN’S OFFICE – DAY

DONAHOE crouches at SHANE BETTENHAUSEN’s desk, rummaging through the detritus and tchotckes underneath the desk.

DONAHOE
He said it was here. How the hell does Shane find anything in this mess?

SHANE walks into the office housing his desk.

SHANE
You’re going to clean that stuff up, right?

DONAHOE
(frustrated)          .
Where the fuck is it, Shane?

SHANE
It’s there. Keep looking. And clean my shit up when you’ve found it.

SHANE walks out of the office.

DONAHOE
(angry)          .
Fuck! I’m not seeing it anywhere!

DONAHOE shoves another pile of debris out of the way and finds a badly tarnished brass lamp. On the lamp is a small nameplate.

DONAHOE
What the fuck does he have this for?

DONAHOE holds up the lamp to take a closer look at it.

DONAHOE
Some writing… can’t read it.

DONAHOE rubs the lamp on the lower part of his shirt. Simon Cox walks by and sees DONAHOE apparently masturbating in SHANE’s office due to the angle Simon sees DONAHOE. Simon shakes his head. On the clipboard Simon is carrying he makes a check mark on a page headed “Employee Evaluation: Michael Donahoe” beside a box titled “Masturbating at Work” and continues down the hall.

There is a sudden flash of light and a puff of smoke.

CRISPIN BOYER appears in SHANE’s chair.

DONAHOE
(surprised)          .
What. The. Fuck. Crispin?

CRISPIN
(very relaxed)          .
Call me Genie. You get three wishes. Make ‘em good ones.

DONAHOE
(excited)        .
Three wishes? Awesome! I wish I had the fucking thing I was looking for!

There is another flash. CRISPIN is gone and a copy of Cho Aniki appears on the chair.

DONAHOE
(excited)        .
Fuck yeah!

CUT TO BLACK

[TITLES & GAME STUFF]

INT. ZIFF DAVIS/1UP OFFICES – MICHAEL DONAHOE’S CUBICLE – DAY

DONAHOE sits in his chair with his feet on his desk, while sipping something from a cup.

DONAHOE
(contented)          .
Two more wishes… what should I wish for? Money? Power? Women? I haven’t heard Ryan Scott say “Hell, yeah” in a week. Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn’t. After this I’ll only have, uh,”

DONAHOE sits up and scribbles some numbers on a pad of paper. He taps a few buttons on a calculator.

DONAHOE (CONT’D)
One wish left.

DONAHOE looks thoughtful for a moment then shrugs.

DONAHOE
I wish Ryan Scott would say, “Hell, yeah.”

INT. ZIFF DAVIS/1UP OFFICES – RYAN SCOTT’S CUBICLE – DAY

RYAN SCOTT suddenly drops his pen.

RYAN SCOTT
(with satisfaction)          .
Hell, yeah.

RYAN SCOTT picks up his pen, looking slightly confused.

INT. ZIFF DAVIS/1UP OFFICES – MICHAEL DONAHOE’S CUBICLE – DAY

DONAHOE
(angry)          .
Shit! I should have wished to hear it! I’ve only got one lousy wish left!

Hearing DONAHOE from a few cubicles away, MATT CHANDRONAIT leaves his desk and arrives in DONAHOE’s cubicle.

MATT
(whispering)          .
Dude, you found Shane’s lamp?

DONAHOE
Yeah. And I found out Crispin was a fucking genie. I always wondered where he got all his cool shit.

MATT
(whispering)          .
I heard you say you only have one wish left. Let me give you a tip. Wish for the object of your affection. I wasted my last wish on getting some cool glasses. Don’t do what I did.

MATT walks back to his desk.

DONAHOE
The object of my affection? You mean, like, besides Darth Vader? Hmmmm.

DONAHOE has a flashback of Maggie Q; humping a car; and holding a copy of Robocop.

DONAHOE
(excited)          .
Yes! The object of my affection! For my last wish, I wish for the object of my affection!

A blinding white light envelops the entire cubicle.

FADE TO WHITE

[GAME STUFF]

INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – DEMO ROOM – DAY

David Ellis and Ryan O’Donnell are playing a game [GAME STUFF] in the demo room when a white flash envelops the room as they near the end of their conversation.

INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – MEN’S WASHROOM – DAY

The white flash envelops Nick Suttner as he stands at a urinal

INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – PHILIP KOLLAR’S CUBICLE – DAY

The white flash envelops Philip Kollar as he types at his desk

INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – GALLEY KITCHEN – DAY
The white flash envelops Alice Liang and Tina Sanchez as they make tea.

INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – SIMON COX’S OFFICE – DAY

The white flash envelops Simon Cox as he completes DONAHOE’s employee evaluation with the words, “Recommend psychiatric evaluation.”

INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – PODCAST STUDIO – DAY
The white flash envelops the Retronaut regulars as they prepare for their podcast.

INT. ZIFF DAVIS/1UP OFFICES – MICHAEL DONAHOE’S CUBICLE – DAY

DONAHOE
(orgasmic)          .
Yes! Yes! Yes! This is the best day ever!

JEFF GREEN
(confused)          .
How the hell did I get here?

[1UP SHOW CREDITS]

[1UP SHOW CREDITS - Possibly using the 1UP Orchestral Theme with a tip of the hat to all the 1UP writers that have left this year.]

Dust to Dust and Vice Versa

2013-01-30T23:19:00.001-08:00

If there’s one constant aspect of universe, a thing that will never change in this or any other dimension, it's that things will always break. Eventually, everything breaks down into component parts scattered to the Seven Winds of Chaos.

This pencil I'm holding, the desk I'm sitting at, my very bones and this planet will eventually split apart into infinitesimal pieces that could easily be sucked up by a vacuum cleaner.

Thinking about it too hard is enough to make me sigh and casually wonder about drinking Vodka at work.

What’s got me thinking about the dust-to-dust feature of the universe? What profound event has occurred to make my brain dip into the vast incomprehensibility of the MEANING of it all?

The van's in the shop having some work done on the brakes. Mostly, it's brake pad replacements.

If my pencil turned to dust in my hand, no big deal. A pencil isn't required to stop a ton of metal, plastic, and rubber buzzing along the highway at 90 km/h. Even with a full eraser on the “safe” end of the pencil wouldn't do anything to slow a van down. And a new pencil doesn't cost $600+ to replace.

From what I can tell, a brake pad is basically a collection of compressed metal dust, formed into a crescent that gets worn away – sliver by sliver – every time the brakes are applied. (It’s likely more complicated than that, but that’s how it works in my head.) This is where my brain came up with “dust.”

That’s what I'm paying for in the in end: dust.

$600 for dust.

That feels a little like a poke in the eye but brakes are kind of a necessity for a vehicle, especially one that I'm driving. Car dealers never sell a car with the option for brakes – they’re part and parcel. And I owe it to pedestrians and other drivers to be able to stop effectively. (It goes without saying; anyone in my vehicle would also be appreciative of being able to stop as well.) I just wish it wasn't such a hit to the bank account! We may all be caught up in the underlying constant of the universe – something I can accept – but why does it have to cost so much?

No Risk, No Reward

2013-01-28T19:24:00.004-08:00

Over the last few days I've done a lot of thinking. Maybe too much thinking, if there ever could be such a thing.

Maybe I'm starting into a mid-life crisis already and I just don’t realize it. That in itself is kind of a sad thought but that’s not what it is. It’s a stark realization – somewhat prodded to the surface – that I'm 36 and don’t really feel like I have any meaningful direction in my life. There’s nothing I'm working toward. Just working.

A radical departure might just be what’s needed to shake things up. I’ll have to talk to the bank or someone “in the know” about how I could go back to school full-time for 6 months and still be able to feed and clothe my family, pay for school, and still be able to fund my mortgage. Skills training doesn’t get enough play and if I was able to be awarded a Mulligan I’d probably have given much more thought – hell, any thought – to learning a trade of some kind. Like a lot of trades in Canada, there’s a standard that’s transferable to any province so it doesn't really matter where you end up, you could always find work. Building codes, etc. might be different but you’d be using the same skills everywhere.

And there’s something innately satisfying to stepping back from a day’s work and having something to show for it.

Seems like nowadays – oh man, I'm getting old! Who uses phrases like that except the aged and elderly? – most of the workforce merely has a digital folder of emails and a drawer full of paper to show for their work. And the paper part is becoming less and less important. Now, it’s pushing 0’s and 1’s, bits of information back and forth across a digital highway that could be wiped out by an EMP or a simple mistake. (“I pressed Y, when I should have pressed N!”) Most are soft and doughy and toy with the idea of drinking at work just to make things more interesting.

Step back from a wall you've just framed or a building you've painted and you have something to show for it. “There, look what I did today!”

Too many of us work in jobs that are just that, jobs.

There also seems to be fewer and fewer people following a calling. I know that if I was truly doing that, I’d be making a living with my words. Advertising, story telling, scripting movies and plays, writing video games.

I don’t think enough people do it anymore and too often the people held up as “Doing what they want” seem to be failures. Maybe it’s the fact that kids are hanging on at home for far longer than they should. Maybe it’s the diminished attention span Western culture seems to suffer from. Maybe it’s focus on the trivial and meaningless. (“Stars Without Make-Up! They’re Just Like You!”) Maybe it’s a combination of all those things plus some more subtle aspects I'm missing. Too much meat and not enough roughage? I don’t know.

For me, it’s my willingness to play it safe with almost everything I do. The known, even if I hate it, is preferable to something I don’t know. Moving to something wholly new – and on the face of it, almost dangerous, possibly reckless – is almost unthinkable. But it’s a risk that absolutely needs to be taken, I've realized, or I will die without realizing my full potential.

With no risk, comes no reward.

With no risk I feel half-dead inside and it’s not a good feeling. And it’s damn hard to admit to myself that I've tried to take the easy path when presented with an issue. It’s the path of least resistance and less likely to cause friction with anyone in my life. It’s weird though because up until this weekend, I didn't actually want to fully admit that to myself.

Going back to the “full potential” line. When I was digging through a box filled with old memories from elementary school, I came across a number of old report cards. (Remember when teachers wrote those out long hand in cursive?) One of the running comments year-to-year was “If Aaron applies himself, he will excel in whatever he chooses to do.”

I guess the long term problem is that I didn't really “choose” anything. I then compounded the problem by not applying myself. Didn't excel. Haven’t at a lot of things.

That’s not opinion or self loathing talking, that’s a verifiable fact.

"self loathing 1940" nets some weird image results from Google.

Every once in a while, there are flashes of what my elementary school teachers saw in me. This weekend I really thought about things like that. There are moments, but too often they’re transitory as I look to easier, known paths, thinking it was the result of blind luck more than anything else.

It’s time, if it’s not too late (and I pray that it isn’t), to start sticking my neck out rather than ducking and swerving.

Michael Palin in Spa-a-a-a-ace!

2013-01-22T17:52:00.002-08:00

If there’s one thing I don’t seem to have any shortage of its ideas.

Sometimes the ideas slow to a trickle when I’m feeling tired…

Come to think of it, a lot of my ideas come when my brain is fatigued and my body is a step above inert. Then there are other times, when I’m feeling good – rested! – and filled with that something-something that the French pegged so long ago, je ne sais quoi. Then ideas practically peel off my brain like some kind of metaphoric banana. There’s always more and more.

My main problem is that I hardly write any of them down and sometimes the ones I do write down have already been done.

I had this awesome idea for a bath toy that was basically an egg-beater shaped like an octopus that a kid in the bath could spin to froth the water and restore a flat bubble bath. Already invented! But I will say, I thought my incorporation of an octopus made for a better toy.

Last night I was watching one of the Michael Palin BBC travelogues “Hemingway Adventure” when I was struck with an idea for the next Mass Effect game. More specifically, the lead-up to the next Mass Effect.

BioWare should hire me – I’m sure they would; I played MDK 2 – to write a travelogue program focusing on the Mass Effect universe. How about a Michael Palin-like character – hell, hire Michael Palin – touring the galaxy to follow the exploits and life of “the Shepherd.”

I’m thinking it would be more cost-effective to keep the entire 6-part series computer-generated rather than go live action (though I would expect some mo-cap).

What say you, people?

A Working E3

2013-01-17T21:20:00.002-08:00

The gamer part of my brain truly loves E3.

There’s spectacle, controversy, games, and free food and booze. The order doesn’t really matter, but that’s what my gamer brain starts thinking about when it comes to E3. I conveniently forget about dehydration – my worst headaches are found at E3 – tired feet and almost bitter Los Angeles water. And besides that year in Santa Monica and the year after that at the Los Angeles Convention Centre, my ability to hear things properly quickly degrades.

This year I have my fingers crossed – typing is a bit of chore – that things pan out the way I hope they will, which will be much, much different that previous years.

Basically, E3 offers the perfect avenue to Indulgence. I’ve been there in the past representing The Armchair Empire to attend press conferences and meetings; getting “scoops” (or soft serve ice cream that Nintendo usually offers.) I try maintain a veneer of professionalism to obscure the fact I’ve blown off a week of work and life at home to basically goof around.

I do actually take it quite seriously. Otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered with business cards, combing through LinkedIn to ensure I could place names and faces together, keep a “database” of contacts on-hand, or be bang on time for appointments, no matter how many people I had to knock over to do so.

If the winds of the universe blow the right way, I could actually be working at the event. Actually, doing something and possibly eschewing E3 parties to ensure my brain is limber enough to function.

I don’t want to jinx it by saying anything more about what the job might be, but it’s safe to say it’s “scut work” in the sense that it offers nearly zero editorial (i.e. personality) to shine through. I thought that might be a problem for me, but I’ve put in study hours trying to smooth out Personality.

You know what? I’m excited about the mere possibility of actually working the event!

Wheel of Time

2013-01-04T12:51:00.003-08:00

When I got home yesterday a box with the 14th (and final) book in the Wheel of Time series was waiting for me. When book 13 was released, I plowed through it (for review) even though I had no previous experience with the series. This past summer, I read the first four books with the goal of "catching up" so all the blanks would be filled in.

I stopped at the 4th book - The Shadow Rising - because I was getting burned out on the characters, especially because the number of them was incrementally inflated to such an extent I really had to concentrate on the names and remember why certain characters might be important.

But when I saw the book, I was actually excited to read it. Coincidentally, I'd just taken out out Tom Wolfe's latest "Back to Blood" from the library because I was looking for something to read during my commute.

"Back to Blood" grabbed my interest because I'd enjoyed his "Man in Full" a few years ago and thought I'd give this one a whirl... but I may take it back so I can drop into "A Memory of Light." I have eight (8!) Wheel of Time books on my "To Read" pile but I don't think I'll hold off on reading the 14th (and final - it says so on the cover) book in the series. Besides, this far in does it matter? Would I need to see Star Wars Episodes I-III, in order to appreciate the destruction of the second Death Star at the end of Return of Jedi?

This is a rhetorical question.

Sleeping Dogs - 68% Done

2013-01-03T13:02:00.001-08:00

My eyes aren't what they used to be. I know this for a fact. I don't wear glasses but it's possible my aged 36-year old eyeballs may need assistance. At least, that's what I'm taking away from Sleeping Dogs.

I'm playing the game on Xbox 360 (and a hi-def display) -- having a good time with it for the most part -- and when I have the subtitles on, which is always, I have a hard time reading them.

The dialogue often dips into Chinese (or Mandarin or Cantonese, I'm guessing), sometimes just for a word or two then swings back to English, but occassionally there are entire exchanges in Chinese which are subtitled in English but the font size is so incredibly small it's like I'm constantly taking an eye exam.

The trouble extends to other parts of the game as well: any part with text, like the menus and mission summations.

It's most troubling because the game actually lets the player adjust the screen size. Why not the font size? Why isn't that even an option?

I understand that United Front Games wants to showcase the graphics and the drama of some of these scenes, but why squelch the text down to Ant Man size? Was the technical side so difficult to deal with that it made heads explode? It seems so easy to me.

Select font size. Click "14." I can read it now!

Was that so hard?

At any rate, I'm approaching 70% completion of the story according to the in-game stats so I should be finishing off Sleeping Dogs -- finally! -- in the next couple of weeks.

A "Planetside 2" Smack to the Face

2013-01-02T10:44:00.001-08:00

Geez, Planetside 2 really drops the player into the thick of things without explaining a lick of what is going on.

I played for an hour or so last night and it's obvious that I should have spent some time watching some of the suggested "How To" videos because I was completely mystified for all but the last five minutes.

As an engineer class, some of the "skills" I honed from Battlefield: Bad Company 2 I was at least able to help out by repairing tanks, but since the battle rages far and wide I felt a little inadequate, particularly because I'd sprint out into the open and be blown to smithereens and have no idea why.

What I've been amazed by is that Planetside 2 is free to play.

Free?

A game this massive -- albeit my opinion is formed by about 60 minutes worth of play time -- and complex and good looking as this and it's free? If you told me five or six years ago I'd be able to play a game like this for free I'd have laughed in your face or derided your predication on MySpace.

Besides continuing my playthrough of Sleeping Dogs -- 53% finished according to the stats -- it seems like Planetside 2 will be the game that gets my attention for the early part of 2013.

"This Generation"

2012-12-22T23:07:00.001-08:00

Rather than write a "Game of the Year" feature or some other Top 10 to close out 2012, my approach this year was to take a look at "this generation" of hardware and games and attempt to figure out five hallmarks or touchstones of this generation. The Wii U is the harbinger of the "next gen" and rather than look ahead at "What might be" I decided to take a look back at what this generation would be remembered for.

I probably could have added a couple more aspects of this generation that fit the bill as helping to define this generation, but I felt the five I picked were probably the strongest. These aspects will be the hallmark of what this gen is remembered for:

Part I - Meaningless Rewards

Part II - Motion Controls

Part III - Co-Op Gaming

Part IV - Episodic Games and DLC

Part V - Open World Games

I tried to be "on point" with my observations and make the pieces easy to read; and offer some evidence for why I picked those aspects.

Leave a comment here or smack one down on your article of choice.

HYDROGEN GAS IS EXPLOSIVE

2012-12-10T09:53:00.002-08:00

Sometimes I read something that just catches my attention. A billboard with a controversial slogan, the ingredients of most canned variety of soups, whatever, something grabs my attention and sometimes I learn something new. In this case I was reading a "Quick Start Guide" for a frontload clothes washer. And I got this part:

Under certain conditions, hydrogen gas may be produced in a hot water system that has not been used for two weeks or more. HYDROGEN GAS IS EXPLOSIVE. If the hot water system has not been used for such a period, before using a washing machine or combination washer-dryer, turn on all hot water faucets and let the water flow from each for several minutes. This will release any accumulated hydrogen gas. THE GAS IS FLAMMABLE. DO NOT SMOKE OR USE AN OPEN FLAME DURING THIS TIME.

Who knew doing laundry could be so hazardous?

Of course, that kind of thing isn't a danger in my house, where it's an exception that the clothes washer isn't in operation.

It's also one of those warnings that I'd like someone to independently verify. How easy it to cause an explosion in such a way? How does the hydrogen build-up in the first place? Common thought is that warnings that appear on products are there because some moron without two IQ points to rub together used the product incorrectly. That's why so see those, "This bag is not a toy" and "Poison DO NOT EAT" on those little silicon packets found with new shoes. My imagination takes me to that moment when some repair guy showed to look at a busted washer only to have the whole thing explode in his face when he lit a cigarette. It's straight out of a Daffy Duck adventure.

Killing, A-Okay. Naked Breasts, No Way!

2012-11-22T00:00:00.001-08:00

In playing Hitman: Absolution I was struck again by this really weird thing that exists in popular media, like television and games. It is absolutely okay to gut your enemies in every gruesome way possible but showing a naked breast is a wild exception.

I can only think of a handful of (mainstream) games that have included nudity in this regard: God of War, The Saboteur, The Godfather, Dante's Inferno, uh, there might have been some in a Larry 6 (my memory is foggy).

Moments later Agent 47 garrotted this poor sap and
left his body in a dumpster. Fortunately, there are no
exposed breasts in this sequence. Phew!

In the latest Hitman it just seems strange to be able to kill and destroy in creative ways, but when it comes to exposed skin somehow that's not okay. Agent 47 goes into a strip club and while there's exposed skin (technically) there are bathing suits and "pasties" involved. (The might as well have gone the Saints Row: The Third route and just blurred the sensitive areas.) IO Interactive, for whatever reason, just couldn't or wouldn't go the rest of the way.

Here's a situation where nudity would actually fit in with the locale that Agent 47 is stalking around. It doesn't make sense to just have boobs all over the place, but in a seedy strip joint, yeah it does make sense.

I'm not so sure that's a bulletproof argument for more nudity -- it's more of an observation that Violence is a-okay and Naked Breasts should rarely be seen (and never, ever heard) than any kind of argument for or against.

Nikola Tesla

2012-11-19T13:17:00.001-08:00

The second time a game ever got me to go to the library and start reading a book, was Red Alert 2, which featured a defensive structure that zapped incoming opponents with a burst of electricity called a Tesla Tower. (The first was Gabriel Knight II and King Ludwig II of Bavaria.)

I actually meant to pick-up a book about Nikola Tesla ages ago, but when I saw "Wizard: The Life and Times of Nikola Tesla : Biography of a Genius" on the new arrivals shelf at the library I finally had the topic thrust toward me. I'm interested in the topic and it was free. A perfect storm.

Besides examining Tesla, what I find so fascinating about the book is how well it situates Tesla in the larger world around him and the kind of profound technological changes that were happening at the turn of the last century.

People didn't have electricity, even in the cities and this was a time without radio. Books, newspapers, and magazines were the principle purveyors of information and news. And at that same time in different parts of the world there's the onset of wireless communication, electricity (Tesla's AC current winning out over the DC advocated by people like Thomas Edison), and flight technology. All of this would bring profound social, commercial, and economic changes to the entire planet, but the author, Marc Seifer, argues convincingly, I think, that Tesla -- a single person -- had more impact on those three than anyone else.

Besides all that, he was on the verge of almost single-handedly leaping technology about 300 years into the future. (100 by Tesla's figuring.) The fascinating aspect of "Why didn't it happen?" is quite simple: Money.

More specifically, J. P. Morgan's money. And his choice not to invest any more of it into Tesla's Wardenclyffe site.

Tesla's vision of the future was wireless technology for everything. It was his figuring that electricity and information could be sent and received from anywhere on the planet completely wirelessly provided one had the correct receiver, using natural condition present in the atmosphere and something to do with harmonics -- some of the explanations in the book kind of confused me, but I think I got the gist of it. It seems as though he was on the aforementioned verge at Wardenclyffe (pictured below, with embellishments).

How would our lives have been different now, more than a 100 years after Wardenclyffe was essentially abandoned to the elements and creditors? If we didn't need fossil fuels to drive our cars but instead just "tuned in" an electric signal and never have to stop for gas? The same for aircraft? How would industry have developed if anyone could tap into free electricity? What other incredible electrical and engineering feats would Tesla have gone on to realize had Wardenclyffe succeeded?

Tesla made some horrible missteps when it cam to dealing with J.P. Morgan, but he also wasn't very good at maintaining ownership of his patents or commercially exploiting them properly. He was broke most of the time, even if he lived a good chunk of his life at the Hotel Astor in New York. He should have been rolling in cash. However, if JP Morgan had decided that he didn't care so much about his holdings in coal, oil, steel, copper -- you know, all those things that in some way were directly tied to producing and delivering electricity and gas/oil -- and hadn't warned off other big investors, Tesla just might have succeeded. The "What ifs....?" are enormous.

The reliance on oil and gas continues to this day. Why haven't Tesla's ideas been resurrected, even completed? In the intervening 100 years, why hasn't that happened?

It's multi-faceted, but I think the principle reason is that oil and gas companies have been reaping billions of dollars of profit and have managed to bury Tesla's ideas of free electricity to ensure those profits continue. If suddenly there was free electricity and the Internet was everywhere and cell phones didn't need cell towers any more and oil and gas values plunged, what kind of massive shock would that be to the economic system of the world?

Boggles the mind.

I'm not quite finished the book, but so far it's making me think. One, about the impact Tesla's vision of the future might have come to pass, but two, about who the modern day version of Tesla is. Who's out there right now with the vision and technical skill that might be on the verge of rocking the foundation of the globe? And is he (or she) being adequately funded?

I Just Thought it Was Funny

2012-11-16T16:31:00.001-08:00

It was the "Touch and Feel!" part that got me chuckling, but the exclamation mark that got me laughing out loud.

Halo 4 Review Coming Soon

2012-11-06T16:08:00.001-08:00

My Halo 4 review is "in the can" as it were.

That means I have only to hit "Publish" and the review will be live. It's not a glowing review. In fact, the tone is quite negative all-round.

As is my habit after writing a review, I peruse the Metacritic and Gamerankings collection of reviews, both "professional" and amateur. Not so much to confirm my own thoughts but to gauge the reaction the review might receive, when put alongside these other reviews.

While the review doesn't dig a hole for the game like the one on Quarter to Three, it sure doesn't align with the early reviews from last week, which seem to trip over each other to heap praise on the game. There are things I like about Halo 4 but as you'll see in the review on ae-infinite.com this is definitely one of those games where I wasn't feeling it.

Game Design and The Number 3

2012-11-05T10:01:00.001-08:00

I got so irritated with Halo 4 last night that I actually turned off the game. In a move that is definitely not restricted to the Halo series or the fine folks at 343 Industries, Cortana, the digital desire of nerdy fetishists the world over, informs Master Chief to disable 3 relays.

This after I'd just spent a chunk of time taking out three other things and disabling three force field installations.

Another "three directive" and I was out. It just struck me as utterly lazy and I turned off the game -- just pressed the power button and was done with it.

But thinking about it for a handful of minutes while brushed my teeth, the number 3 is endemic to games in general. Right back to Super Mario Bros. on the NES, which most everyone has played, as an example. World 1-1, 1-2, 1-3, then the castle level, "Our princess is in another castle," then onward.

Still on the Mario bent. Triple jumping from Super Mario 64 onward.

Link completes the Triforce

again. Why not create a more

complicated shape than

a triangle?

Legend of Zelda's Triforce. Hello, 3! Then any game that has boss battles that must be fought in three stages. Smash TV's Mutoid Man being one of the first examples that comes to mind. Or puzzles that have three specific criteria to solve?

As I flossed my mind wandered into film territory. Trilogy. Godfather, Star Wars, Indiana Jones (I argue), Lord of the Rings. But the passion for the number 3 is wholly embraced by video games. Why is that?

One isn't enough. Two just seems like the developer wanted to double the play time or maybe the first time was so awesome that "Wouldn't it be cool to do that again?"

Three makes it somehow more impressive. Maybe. Does the designer want to ape the stages of a three act play: protasis, epitasis, and catastrophe? I don't know. Gargling now.

"Would you kindly,
eat a giant squid,
Aristotle?"

But what I do know is that the point last night where I turned off Halo 4, suddenly I was completely tired of the number 3 in my games. Make 1 spectacular, put 2 on a pedestal, light fireworks off in the background, and make the player feel like a god, but as soon as 3 starts rounding the corner, it should just be skipped. Open a portal to the next section and be done with it.

My challenge for the next generation of games, so close to the horizon, is that the number 3 gets the cold shoulder. Break the Triforce into five pieces. Dr. Tenebaum, Fontaine, and Andrew Ryan should be joined by Aristotle the Talking Sperm Whale. The final boss should slip on a banana peel and die rather than have two layers of armour protecting him.

It also occurred to me that because I was looking for 3 I was finding it all over the place and conveniently ignoring anything that didn't fall into the three-fold trap. Possibly. But the fact 3 pushed me to turn off Halo 4, it was the only thing on my mind.

"Last year my brother was skewered by a moose."

2012-11-02T10:10:00.001-07:00

I've started posting items on a more regular basis to the Gaming Enthusiast Press Awards blog and as result I find myself constantly flipping back through the metaphoric pages in my brain looking for "pinnacles" of good writing.

I've already added a post to Old Man Murray's classic feature "Crate Review System" which actually provided quite a bit of mirth back in 2000. Oddly enough, the Crate Review System is still valid twelve years later, possibly more so. But there are other "classics" that stand out over the last decade and one of those is a (fake) Cudgel of Xanthor game preview, penned by Jeff Green back in 2007 (in Computer Gaming World), which I've included below.

The piece does an effective job of completely skewering games writing and lampooning the extremely low bar that many of the enthusiast press aspire to. The article also manages to include just about every cliché about games writing one can find, all the while not saying anything substantive about the game even though the writer was "literally foaming at the mouth" after playing the game.

I present to you the piece in its entirety:

Standing outside the offices of Copenhagen-based Braak Studios, developers behind the acclaimed Xanthor fantasy strategy games (Blade of Xanthor, Sword of Xanthor, Dagger of Xanthor), I had to take a breath of air. As the first journalist to see their new game, Cudgel of Xanthor, revealed here for the first time in this exclusive first look, I was literally shaking with excitement. And that was before I even saw the game. Afterward, when I was certain that what I had just seen was not only well on its way to being a certifiable masterpiece, but, more important, the likely recipient of our coveted “RPG of the Year” award, I was more than shaking: I was literally foaming at the mouth. It’s not often that a computer game makes you feel that way, but, then, not every game is as amazing as Cudgel of Xanthor.

“This is the best game I’ve ever seen,” agreed Braak’s PR and marketing director Hans Schok. “It is simply astounding in terms of what it brings to the party for PC gamers. I look at this game and think, World of What?” High praise indeed.

While Braak Studios has cut its collective teeth on strategy games, Cudgel represents a giant leap forward into serious envelope pushing, expanding the series into the fertile yet deep waters of RPGs. It’s not the first time the company has taken a risk, nor will it be the last. “Last night I ate an entire block of cheese,” boasted creative director and team leader Vet “Slap” Billen, as if to illustrate the point.

With a staff of 50 full-time employees working hard on Cudgel, the effort is obviously paying off in copious spades, as the hands-on time I had with the game more than amply proved. You being the game in standard RPG fashion by creating your character from a variety of interesting classes, such as rogue, and then customize your look with a robust set of sliders and buttons to put a unique spin on things for such details as eye color. Choosing a character class further adds to the customization by letting you play as, for example, a fighter, who would use melee weapons to “hit enemies” according to lead designer Helje Bendt. This is just one example of the many different ways you can play the game, all of which will affect how you interact with the game’s unique world.

And what a world it is! Thought I don’t really want to spoil too much, I will say, as the first journalist in North America to get to play the game, it is one of the most unique fantasy settings I’ve ever seen, bar none. The first time I gazed upon the gorgeous water effects on display in the waterfall outside the starting area, my eyes literally popped out of my head. And that was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Around every corner in this stunning open-ended fantasy world is yet another jaw-dropping splendor to behold, be it a magical bean field or something similarly awe-inspiring of a magical bent. It’s the type of world you wish you could just jump through the monitor and be part of, rather than living in the mundane world of today the way we are now.

Sound is another of the game’s many strong points. At times when I was playing, some of the sounds in the game seemed so “real” to me that they were more real than “real life.” I would turn around quickly to see if something was behind me, like a goblin, only to realize it was in the game all along! To make this kind of magic happen, Braak is using all the latest sound drivers and cards technologically available today, which puts them right on the cutting edge, which is exactly where they want to be. “Last year my brother was skewered by a moose,” said Billen, as if speaking to the company’s determination to move forward. To further highlight this, the game will also naturally support physics cards, which will only add to the game’s realism on yet another plane—the physical one.

Combat is similarly impressive. Different weapons will have different effects, depending on which ones you choose. Hitting with a sword, for example, will not, as in many other games, feel the same as hitting with a staff. Both will be different, in totally unique ways. In all the hours I played, almost every battle felt different depending on whether I used a different weapon or not. It’s yet another of the small details that define Braak’s ambitious approach to a genre well-worn with standards and clichés at this point in time.

Truth be told, not everything functioned perfectly during my visit. Enemy A.I. was still spotty, with most monsters usually standing around defenseless as I killed them, or more often than not disappearing from the screen altogether. Performance still needs to be tweaked, as the game came to a halt numerous times, even crashing the machine at one point and forcing Bendt to reformat his hard drive. Still, minor niggles aside, Cudgel of Xanthor looked and felt to me like nothing short of a miracle, and proof once again that the PC is the best gaming platform in the world. Hopefully, the kinks will be worked out when the game ships this winter, because I for one can’t wait to wield this Cudgel once again!

Maybe It's the Candy

2012-10-31T13:02:00.002-07:00

Only hours away from zero-hour, it's finally starting to feel like Halloween.

As a kid, I remember the lead-up to Halloween was often weeks of planning and covertly lighting off firecrackers. The firecracker part is self-explanatory, with the possible exception of bottle rockets -- single stage; three stage rockets are inferior -- that are akin to Silly Putty in the many different uses we came up with, which mostly revolved around firing them out of metal tubes.

But the planning...

That always seemed to me as "carefully considered" like some kind of complicated math problem. We'd consider the best route through the neighbourhood to take, cutting across lawns when needed, take into account what houses gave away full size chocolate bars last year, then timing it out because after a couple hours people took in their jack-o'-lanterns and turned off their lights. Planning the route was key!

Layered on top of this was costume choice. If a costume was big and bulky, that meant a slower pace. Plus, you'd have to account for time being lost for taking a tumble. Big and bulky usually meant missed steps. At best, that meant stumbling down the stairs; at worst, sliding off a porch into a hedge and scattering candy in a 10' radius. As I recall we had no such motto about "Leave No Man Behind!" It was closer to, "Keep Up or We'll Leave You Behind and the Teenagers Will Eat You Alive!" A fuel of adrenaline and sugar is just about the worst combination for collaborative candy acquisition.

Bottle rockets were a
mainstay.

A leaner costume meant speed but it also meant you'd probably wind up feeling cold. Or wet and cold.

On the west coast, October is often marked by continual rain.

That was also the zero-hour factor that could hardly be planned for. Weather just happens, especially when you're young. There's no rhyme or reason to it. At that point, you just had to accept the cards as they fell.

One year I remember that it snowed during the walk home from school. That was a monkey wrench that no one could have foreseen. Fortunately, the snow was just passing through and within 30 minutes you'd never know it happened.

Weather was important because we didn't want to wear our coats, jackets, or gloves. What was the point of putting on a costume if no one could see it?

It's raining today and it probably will be tonight. But there's something right about that. I've seen people -- young and old -- wearing costumes today. Warms my heart just a little that for a few hours, if you want to, you can escape from the confines of reality and accept candy from strangers while wearing a mask. Any other day of the year, that same situation could result in jail time for somebody.

NOTE: Be safe out there, people. Watch out for kids that are running on nothing but sugar and adrenaline! The last thing they'll be doing is paying any attention to anything that isn't free candy.