tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-143210472024-09-01T20:44:34.693-04:00All your favorite current events, from politics to sports to Iranian arms deals, satirized for your full enjoyment. As the ancient proverb says: "It's not news until someone makes a joke at its expense."Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger94125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1160069448168635342006-10-05T13:04:00.001-04:002008-02-24T14:35:43.974-05:00

The Armchair Politician has been stagnant for some time now, and this is merely a proper acknowledgement.This site isn't going anywhere, and perhaps the Armchair will be filled again someday. But, for now, simply enjoy the posts that were.

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1144261772586265942006-04-05T14:02:00.000-04:002006-04-05T14:29:32.656-04:00

The Washington Post reported that the Government Accountability Office has found that strict requirements from the Bush White House on how much of AIDS prevention money in Africa should be used for abstinence programs "presents challenges to their ability to respond to the local epidemiology and cultural and social norms." Voices from around the nation have chimed in with the opinions of those to

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1144111131538604042006-04-03T19:56:00.000-04:002006-04-03T20:39:29.926-04:00

The dedicated staff of one at the Armchair Politician (sort of like the Army of One, but less fatigued killing, more fatiguing writing) has been hitting the news wires hard lately, vainly trying to scrounge up something of which to make the subject fun.Nothing, but death penalties, killer storms, and life-taking explosions. Since the real news is too dark to make light of, this story serves as

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1143830268588067182006-03-31T13:36:00.000-05:002006-03-31T13:53:12.970-05:00

It was reported recently that some scientists are now calling for a so-called "fat tax" on sodas and fast food, in the interest of forcing the public toward what they view as healthier choices. However, some U.S. Congressmen, who requested to remain anonymous, knowing that their quotes would be mostly fabricated anyway, have already said that they'd like to go much further than taxing merely

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1143660478165297942006-03-29T14:02:00.000-05:002006-03-29T14:29:34.436-05:00

Recently, a Connecticut house cat who goes only by the name Lewis was accused of terrorizing a Fairfield neighborhood. Lewis reportedly bit and scratched several people in a severe manner over a span of three years. He has now been ordered to serve a lifetime sentence of house arrest. The Armchair Politician recently visited Lewis for an exclusive interview.AP: Thank you for spending some time

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1143656619388857812006-03-29T11:43:00.000-05:002006-03-29T13:23:39.470-05:00

With Republicans generally tied to the President's low approval ratings and Democrats still largely viewed as the party of idealess contrarians, the Armchair Politician wonders if political pundits will begin wondering whether these attitudes will mark an upward trend for third parties in the 2006 elections. It could be that American citizens, fed up with the options provided, will flock to

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1143582738211735562006-03-28T16:44:00.000-05:002006-03-28T16:52:18.226-05:00

According to BBC News, mass job protests have hit France. The White House issued the following brief statement in response: "No hitting, please."There is no word yet on whether France plans to hit back, but the White House has also stated that, if that should happen, it has full intentions to "send both sides to their rooms."There is no word yet on whether France and the mass job protests would

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1143474639092149352006-03-27T10:48:00.000-05:002006-03-27T10:59:41.996-05:00

In an alarming move that few will notice, the Armchair Politician posted a story to the blog, The Armchair Politician, today. This comes after a 4.5-month absence. While the blog is not widely read, rumors still surfaced. Primary among them was the rumor believed by most to be true: that the Armchair Politician had not posted to the blog during that absence.When asked to comment on the

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1131992293026776802005-11-14T13:14:00.000-05:002005-11-14T13:18:13.046-05:00

How long will it be before the vast left-wing conspiracy and the vast right-wing conspiracy join forces and fly this country to freedom?How long will it be before the vast left-wing conspiracy and the vast right-wing conspiracy are revealed to be the same conspiracy, run by head conspirator Dick Cheney, who isn't really evil, it turns out, but just likes to cause trouble?[Previous Pairs]

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1130533692257912672005-10-28T16:55:00.000-04:002005-10-28T17:18:54.513-04:00

The avian flu virus hit North Africa in a most unexpected form recently. In a developing story that is still baffling the world's top scientists, a herd of goats have contracted an apparently rare strain of the avian flu that actually makes the goats take on the characteristics of other birds. In the accompanying photograph, these goats are seen taking flight to a nearby tree, where they perch,

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1130522099638836922005-10-28T13:54:00.000-04:002005-10-28T17:19:50.860-04:00

Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts declared on Friday that the U.S. Constitution is unconstitutional, according to the U.S. Constitution. Roberts explained his decision by saying, "This constitution constitutes that if we are to constitute a constituency of constituents constituated by some form of constitutionality, we must deconstitutionalize." Jan Crawford Greenburg, Supreme Court

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1128105505601798462005-09-30T14:30:00.000-04:002005-09-30T14:38:25.610-04:00

Former Education Secretary William Bennett... on his radio show, "Morning in America," was answering a caller's question when he took issue with the hypothesis put forth in a recent book that one reason crime is down is that abortion is up. "But I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country,

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1128089764064176462005-09-30T09:28:00.000-04:002005-09-30T10:17:02.853-04:00

If America up and got rid of its military, would that mean it'd also have to get rid of the commander in chief?If America up and got rid of the president, would that mean it'd also have to keep the executive branch alive by replacing the top position with something more reasonable, like a nice slice of pumpkin pie, with some whipped cream?[Previous Pairs]

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127711347962476732005-09-26T15:06:00.000-04:002005-09-26T16:20:27.950-04:00

(MINNESOTA VIKINGS EDITION: WEEK 3)(1)"No... your teeth are fine."(2)"Now, Coach, just settle down... no--no, we don't want to see what else you have in your pants."(3)"I'm number one! I'm number--hey, wait!"(4)"I am Thor: master of the Whack-a-Mole!"[Feel free to provide your own quote via the comments, you funny lad or lass, you.]Pict-o-Quote Archive

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127707726445038542005-09-25T23:54:00.000-04:002005-09-26T00:08:46.446-04:00

Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has unveiled a new initiative he hopes will help balance the budget, while avoiding the usual tricky accounting measures used to temporarily keep it balanced each spring. His intentions have been made clear that he will not raise a single tax in this state (except when he calls them “user fees”). Naturally, if revenues are to remain steady, the only way to balance

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127707542383182992005-09-25T23:43:00.000-04:002005-09-26T00:05:42.383-04:00

How long will it be before the iPod comes in a pill form that the user digests and then hears the songs he or she wants to hear--for 99 cents per song--right inside his or her own head?How long will it be before the porn industry grabs hold of this idea, only to have it wrestled away by Congress, who will then use it to feed the masses petty-insult-ridden campaign commercials?[Previous Pairs]

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127707195558592432005-09-25T23:30:00.000-04:002005-09-25T23:59:55.570-04:00

If Hurricane Katrina was really sent by God to punish sinners in New Orleans, was Rita a sign that Bush's Texas Holy Land is also full of sinners?If Hurricane Katrina was really sent by God to punish sinners in New Orleans, does that mean the rest of the hurricane-free country is doing a-okay in God's book (not to be confused with the Bible)?[Previous Pairs]

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127254220646662862005-09-20T17:42:00.000-04:002005-09-20T18:10:20.656-04:00

Psst! President Bush's mission to make himself the lifelong ruler of a theocratic America is merely the first step in a far greater plan that will involve, among other things, a mass effort to convert homosexuals (to the Republican Party), the annointing of Pat Robertson and Michael Moore as joint chairmen of the Board of Insanity, the creation of a permanent congressional task force to look into

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127167728343811962005-09-19T17:58:00.000-04:002005-09-19T18:08:48.353-04:00

The new owner of the Minnesota Vikings football team, Zygi Wilf, was recently informed that his April Fool's joke was five months and 18 days too late.Wilf, ever the jokester, recently proposed that the Vikings build a $675 million retractable roof football stadium in the Minneapolis suburb of Blaine, MN. He suggested that $240 million come from Anoka County sales taxes, and that $200 million

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127167073743587682005-09-19T17:32:00.000-04:002005-09-19T18:26:01.940-04:00

Is there any way to justify spending $104 billion to send astronauts back to the moon other than a potential for off-Earth oil exploration?Is there any way Nasa could turn the next moon mission into a reality TV show, possibly called "Road Rules: Moon," "Survivor: Lunar Landing," or "The Apprentice 13," featuring the classic tag line, "You're fired--into the sun!"?[Previous Pairs]

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127136466251227542005-09-19T09:23:00.000-04:002005-09-19T09:27:46.253-04:00

"Dick? Condi? Wake me up! I'm having that dream again...."[Feel free to provide your own quote via the comments, you funny lad or lass, you.]Pict-o-Quote Archive

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127109850035264622005-09-18T23:59:00.000-04:002005-09-19T09:01:36.150-04:00

If a poor American ran for president in a highly publicized candidacy, would he or she do well on Election Day?If a poor American were elected president, would his or her background greatly affect the way he or she ran the country, or would the American political structure and the way human nature handles great power ultimately rule?Bonus follow-up question: If President Bush had a poor

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126821748043281552005-09-16T18:28:00.000-04:002005-09-16T18:40:55.723-04:00

Iran is ready to trade nuclear secrets with other Islamic states for peaceful purposes, the country's leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said.... Irna quoted the Iranian president as saying: "With respect to the needs of Islamic countries, we are ready to transfer nuclear know-how to these countries."The immediate reply from the White House was, "Pfft. Like those 'secrets' are anything we don't know

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126909360749511672005-09-16T18:15:00.000-04:002005-09-16T18:22:40.756-04:00

It was reported recently that, "Three mice infected with the bacteria responsible for bubonic plague apparently disappeared from a laboratory about two weeks ago." And though, "health experts said there was scant public risk," that didn't stop fingers from being pointed in every direction. Most distinctly, the fingers have been pointed to the left and the right.A small group of liberals, lead by

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126908106238773022005-09-16T17:48:00.000-04:002005-09-16T18:01:46.246-04:00

The new iPod nano is a marvel of technology; no one has yet to doubt this. But some groups, including some Christian fundamentalists and conservative ethicists, argue that Apple Computer, the designer of the mobile music device, has begun to push the ethical boundaries. One activist said in a recent interview that, "Advancements in technology are great, but we need to start asking ourselves: have

Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0