This week, AQB had to do a quick show, which means it’s even less informative than usual.  But as all you business pricks are fond of saying, Benglish and Dino are here to give you the “top line” on all the NFL action in Week 5.  OK, not all the action, but you’ll damn sure get a detailed view of what the Giants and the Cowboys did.

We’ll also break down the main reason that Sage Rosenfeld was a key element in one of the most embarrassing 4th quarter meltdowns in recent memory.  And there’s some entertaining speculation as to what Monday Night Football would be like if Ron “Jaws” Jaworski took a dark turn.  The answer is, of course, incredibly offensive and hilarious!

And it’s all here, packaged in a digital media file crammed full of about half an hour of complete and total football nonsense and moral midgetry.  And this week it’s here raw and uncut because Dino is a lazy prick who’s “too busy” to do anything to try and lift this podcast up and make it listenable. So blame him for this.  Benglish does, and look how well that’s working out for him.

Sit back, relax and get ready for one of our least successful attempts to amuse, entertain, and inform. It’s a quick, dirty and fast edition of the Willie Run’s most unrecognized and universally ignored sponsor — those guys you love to not download or tell your friends about or pay attention to in any manner whatsoever. The team who is wasting a good chunk of their valuable time for the sake of one Cowboys fan in the UK, a Denver fan in Australia, and a handful of close relatives. And yes, they’re starting to get pretty bitter about it.  It’s those guys you refuse to write fanfic for in their latest never-to-be-downloaded extravaganza!  It’s Show #47 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

This week, you’ll hear the annual debate between Dino and Benglish as to whether or not T.O. will eventually drag the Cowboys down into the deep, horrid muck where they belong. Benglish sees T.O.’s calls for attention in the wake of the loss to the ‘Skins as the first cracks in the dam … Dino, of course, thinks it’s nothing in spite of T.O.’s previous track record as a team destroyer. Either way, Dino’s refusal to debate the issue makes for less-than-compelling listening.

Also in this week’s show, you’ll hear evidence as to exactly why The Armchair Quarterbacks would NEVER work on standard sports radio. No, ESPN will not come knocking on AQB’s door anytime soon. And believe it or not, it’s not just because of all the cursing, references to prison rape, or the overall lack of any substantive NFL content. Actually, that’s a very big part of it. And you’ll hear more.  And as if to prove that point, Benglish uses the occasion of the arrest of a Giants rookie RB to question the young athlete’s manhood.

THE ARMCHAIR QUARTERBACKS FAN FICTION CONTEST!

The big news in this weeks show is the announcement of AQB’s first (and probably last) annual Fan Fiction contest. If you know what “fanfic” is — or even if you have an actual life and you don’t have a clue — this is your opportunity to create your own twisted script for AQB and get it produced! Now you’re probably wondering what the hell we’re thinking — first of all, hardly any of the so-called listeners in the AQB fanbase even leave comments about the show on the site — and pretty much all of them are personal friends or relatives of Benglish and/or Dino. So why, you may ask, should the idiots running this show expect anyone to bother to waste their valuable time cooking up ideas, writing them, and emailing them to the show? Hell, half the time Benglish or Dino barely bother to write anything. And they can’t even seem to motivate anyone to push a button to download the stupid show.

In fact, the only evidence that there’s an “audience” for the show at all are the comments left by Smegzor. In fact, Smegzor sent an idea for something funny already that we didn’t produce (but we will, we swear).
But we’re asking anyway. And if you send something, we’ll produce it.  Whatever it is.  Have Gandalf walk into the Browns lockerroom and start molesting Brady Quinn.  Or maybe it’s a story about Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek the Next Generation taking over for Matt Millen as the Lions’ GM. Or something wacky like Charles Haley masturbating in a 49ers film session while saying Joe Montana’s wife’s name over and over … no, wait that really happened.  But you get the picture.  Take any genre, twist it and throw some football or sports stuff in there and it’s good to go.

All this plus the latest from our correspondent Phil Skipjack on the latest, greatest edition of the biggest NFL-related waste of time on the Internet — Show #46 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

This week, the guys continue their never-ending quest to create the most inscrutable and unlistenable podcast on the web, replete with talk of old TV shows, the Cowboys‘ gay uniform choices, and other quasi-football-related blather.

And yes, even the legendary Brown Sleestack (the super-smart one who controlled the pylons and had all those wicked-cool crystals) makes his way into the conversation, along with Chaka, the Pakuni.  Why?  Well, why the hell not?  Even after the rough-and-tumble NFL action in Week 3, there’s always room for Sleestacks!

Pointless?  Yes!  Retarded?  Definitely.  But if you want something well-written and clever, you’ll want to check out Kissing Suzy Kolber, With Leather, or Deadspin … Benglish and Dino just aren’t that talented, so they need to make up for that by trying harder, telling more dumb dick jokes, and being as patently offensive as possible.  If you think the Deadspin dude makes Buzz Bissenger sick, AQB would make his pompous head blow right the fuck off of his self-important neck!  YEAH!

It’s all jam-packed into this one adventure-filled episode! This journey into the heart of NFL darkness is beyond belief.  In fact, it’s so memorable and incredible that the writer of this blog can’t even remember what the hell we talked about during the show … all I can remember is that we had some kind of Sleestack, LAND OF THE LOST conversation.  But there was some funny other stuff in there — this should be a fairly entertaining show. So sit back, relax, and enjoy an amazingly wrong-headed view of America’s favorite sport.  It’s Show #45 of THE ARMCHAIR QUARTERBACKS!

Word of warning: there’s much discussion of penis in the beginning of this show, cementing AQB as one of most disturbingly gay-sounding NFL podcasts on the internet. But it’s a nice way to get things kicked off as the guys break down all of the action in an exciting Week 2.

This week’s show is surprisingly chock full of semi-serious football analysis. It’s not funny … well, not intentionally, anyway. But it will give you ample opportunity to realize just how addle-brained Dino and Benglish really are when it comes to sports.

You’ll also find out about the details of Dino and Benglish’s lame attempt to promote the show by hopping on the bio-diesel driven bandwagon of the Willie Run! In spite of the fact that both Dino and Benglish think the global warming scare is a bunch of utter bullshit, and we hate country music!

But why should you read about it when you can click below and download this week’s crappy attempt at sports-related entertainment for yourself? Go on! Pollute your hard drive with the crudest, dumbest, most juvenile and politically incorrect football romp on the world wide intra-web — Show #44 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

It’s here, it’s queer, get used to it! It’s Show #43 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

We’ve all managed to survive yet another dark and hideous off-season replete with silly baseball fans, the meaningless borefest of the Olympics, and an endless stream of maddeningly pointless Peter King commentary. And your inconsistent and idiotic pals The Armchair Quarterbacks are ready to celebrate with a shockingly EARLY and ON-TIME episode.

In this week’s show, you’ll find out that Benglish and Peter King are alike in something other than morbid obesity. You’ll also hear Dino hedging on the fact that he believes that Dallas will rocket through the ‘08 campaign to a Super Bowl title (yes, like all Cowboys fans, Dino is full of shit).

And of course there’s the usual offensive commentary, half-assed “analysis” (emphasis on the “anal”), and hard-to-follow conversation that makes AQB one of the Inter-web’s most unlistenable podcasts. So sit back, relax and enjoy the cackling, moronic NFL hatefest that makes up Show #42 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

The Paraguayan Javelin Chick seen here was a big topic of conversation during this week’s show, which should give you an idea of just how bad this show is. But you’ll also meet Vinnie the Jets fan for the first time, which should give you a laugh or too … as long as you’re not easily offended.
Hopefully, we’ll have a new show up this Friday. And on that show you can hear Benglish moaning about the Giants loss of Osi for the season while Dino titters with barely contained glee. And then you will hear the actual sound of Dino’s trachea being ripped out. So that should be fun for all. Stay tuned.

Also, please let us know if you’re interested in staring a listener Fantasy League. We’ve had some responses, but not enough, and time is running out! If you guys could please post to the site to let us know if you’d like to be a part of it, we’ll set up an online draft ASAP. Could be good for a few laughs. And who knows? Maybe — just maybe — it could help prevent the show from sucking again.

OK, probably not. But let’s try anyway.

In the meantime, buckle in for a rollicking borefest of quasi-football related crap (WHEN WILL THE REGULAR SEASON GET HERE!?), also known as Show #41 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

OK, we’re lying. There were technical issues that got in the way of posting this week’s show. We did record a show. No, really. We did. And that show will be posted - funny bits and all - this coming Monday, August 25th. So the fact that you have nothing to download has nothing to do with Gene Upshaw’s death. We just figured we’d be like our heroes at ESPN and jump on the “Upshaw’s dead” bandwagon, and fill every conceivable football segment with tributes to Upshaw, talk of Upshaw, waxing poetic about Upshaw, and reflections on the life of Upshaw by - who else? - Peter fucking King.

Yeah, it’s a bummer that Upshaw died. He was, no doubt, a great player and as head of the NFLPA did things that forged the modern game. And his input will definitely be missed during the incredibly critical negotiations over the NFL’s new collective bargaining agreement. But did Upshaw’s unexpected passing delay the show? Of course not.

In fact, immediately upon hearing of Upshaw’s demise, Dino went out and bought cupcakes - and not the garden-variety kind of cupcakes, either - the fancy ones with the cream in the middle.

In case you haven’t guessed, Dino is one coldblooded motherfucker.

The bottom line? You’ll all have to wait until Monday to download the latest chunk of NFL-based hilarity that we’ve dreamed up for you good folks. We hope you’ll be patient with us. We’re really busy with the cupcake buying and all. It’s been hell.

Stay tuned! Thanks for checking for the show! And check back on Monday, August 25th for the latest episode of the worst NFL podcast on the worldwide Intranet thing - The Armchair Quarterbacks!

The key to building a large podcast audience is consistency. It’s important to post a show regularly so that the listeners will stay interested and involved. So maybe now we know why The Armchair Quarterbacks is one of the least heard NFL podcasts on the Internet.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t record a show this week. Benglish was busy with work, while Dino became preoccupied with what he calls his “hobby” (see chilling photo at left).

The only upside of this, of course, is that it’s still the pre-season and there’s really not a whole hell of a lot going on. In fact, there’s nothing going on. It’s all Brett Favre crap. And the show would largely have consisted of more ranting about Peter King, Brett Favre going to the Jets, Peter King writing about Brett Favre going to the Jets, and Brett Favre’s “fatigued” (read: “old”) arm.

The Armchair Quarterbacks will be back next week … I think. In the meantime, enjoy the pre-season.

Like Brett Favre, we lied. We didn’t do a “show every two weeks or so” during the off season like we claimed we would at the end of last season. Also like Brett Favre, our return to the NFL universe will be gut-bustingly hilarious. Unlike Brett Favre, AQB’s 2008 season will be intentionally hilarious.

You’ll hear lots about Favre in this week’s show, but unfortunately the blockbuster trade of Favre and his building-sized ego happened after we’d already recorded the show. But there’s plenty of other laughs to be found, including a welcome back cockpunch to our old bete noir Peter King, who seems destined to be St. Paul to Brett Favre’s Jesus for as long as both of them shall live.

It’s loud! It’s obnoxious! It’s offensive! It’s nauseating! No, it’s not the Dallas Cowboys edition of HBO’s HARD KNOCKS … it’s the the first show of the 2008 Season: Show #40 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

Dino the Cowboys die-hard reveals his pitch-black soul as he explains how he even rooted for the Giants — a team he usually despises — because he knew that a NYG victory would result in brain-scrambling agony for Patriots Nation. The guys break down how the combination of Giants love and Patriots hate seemed to have most of America’s NFL fans rooting hard for the Pats to get taken down.

It’s all here: did Eli deserve the MVP? Is Benglish a bad fan? Is blind faith in one’s team more fun or just the road to severe heartbreak? Was Tyree’s catch the catch that will replace “The Catch” as “The Catch?” Is the Super Bowl more fun in real time or frame-by-agonizing-frame as Benglish viewed it?

After all the talk of the final game of the 2007, AQB looks ahead to 2008 as the NFL’s “business season” begins in earnest. You’ll get a quick overview of some of the more intriguing — and in the case of the Redskins, hilarious — coaching moves that have happened, a discussion about some possible off-season moves (with the usual emphasis on the Giants and the Cowboys), how the NFC East is about to become a two-team race for the foreseeable future, and more.

It’s all here on the special NEW YORK GIANTS SUPER BOWL XLII CHAMPIONS EDITION of the loudest, most annoying, and increasingly unfunny NFL podcast on the internet — The Armchair Quarterbacks!

YOUTUBE WILL HAUNT BRADY FOREVER
As we mention on this week’s show, Tom Brady’s somewhat arrogant chuckle at Plaxico Burress’s pre-game prediction of the final score (23-17), has come back to haunt him big time on the internet. If you’ll recall, Brady seemed to think it was funny that Burress thought the Pats would “only” score 17 points (if it’s any consolation, Tom, you’re right: Burress was silly to think that you’d score that many). And Hate-triot Nation has jumped on this now infamous statement. You can see funny examples here, here, and here.

OH MY GOD … JOE BUCK IS IN MY HEAD FOR THE REST OF TIME.
To say that Dino and I have been a little harsh on Fox sportscaster Joe Buck is putting it mildly. We’ve lambasted the man. Verbally tarred and feathered him. Metaphorically treated him the way the Red Army treated the women of Berlin in the spring of 1945. But now, I have to give him a little credit. For all of Buck’s faults, his play-by-play call of Plaxico Burress’s game-winning touchdown in Super Bowl XLII will be with me forever.

“Fifty-nine seconds left … Manning lobs it … BURRESS - ALONE … TOUCHDOWN NEW YORK.” Just writing it gives me chills. It’s supplanted “Here’s the kick … it’s got the distance … it is … NO GOOD!!! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN!” (which was a radio call, actually) as the phrase that crystallizes the best moment in Giants history that I’ve ever experienced. The phrase that will always bring all those incredible emotions rushing back as though they’re happening for the first time.

And this phrase was said by Joe Buck of all people. Well, I’ll be damned.

So this one’s for you, Joe. I want to thank you for those words. And I want to forgive you for your past sins. And I want to apologize for all the hateful things I’m sure to say about you when the season starts up again this September. You will be with me always, Mr. Buck. Whether I like it or not.

DINO IS NOT JUST WRONG ABOUT FOOTBALL
As you heard on this week’s show, there was some disagreement as to which infamous commie douchebag coined the phrase “useful idiots.” Dino was convinced it was Stalin, one of the great monsters of world history. Benglish assured Dino it was Lenin, founder of modern communism.

As it turns out, Benglish was right about which guy from the left used the term. Rest assured, The Armchair Quarterbacks to continue to be useless idiots.

UNBELIEVABLE. INCREDIBLE. AMAZING. SHOCKING. OUTSTANDING. SPECTACULAR. AND ANY OTHER SUPERLATIVES YOU WANT TO TOSS ON THE PILE.

The invincible Patriots? Well, for once they looked … vincible. And now, the most record-setting season in NFL history is just a collection of meaningless numbers. It’s true what they say: stats are for losers.

The Giants shocked the formerly unbeaten Pats 17-14, and beat them at their own game — taking the lead late on a long, improbable TD drive. Eli Manning is the Super Bowl MVP.

Wait a minute … let me write that again to be sure that I’m sane: ELI MANNING IS THE SUPER BOWL MVP.

The Giants defense pummeled and dominated the Patriots, sacking Tom Brady five times, and knocking him off his feet 18 times … one for each of the Pats’ wins this season.

It was a surreal and incredibly rookie-filled performance by the Giants. In fact, it was rookies — and David Tyree, an obscure #4 WR previously known only to Giants fans — who took down the mighty Patriots. Jay Alford (from Orange, NJ). Kevin Boss. Ahmad Bradshaw (the leading rusher). Steve Smith. All played a huge role in what was one of the biggest (easily top 3) upsets in NFL history.

Wow. You couldn’t sandblast the grin off my face.

If you’ve been listening to this show, you’ll know that I’m as stunned as everyone else. I love the Giants, but I’m too big of a football fan to have that blind faith in my team. I’m happy that they’ve once again proven my pessimistic ass wrong, and shocked me and the rest of the sports world. This was the oddest, most frustrating, and most glorious Giants season that I’ve ever experienced in 25+ years of watching this team. And the best. Better than ‘86. Better than ‘90.

The best. Period.

I am left wondering one thing: will Amazon refund my money for my pre-ordered copy of 19-0: THE STORY OF THE UNBEATABLE 2007 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS?

Stay tuned for more on this week’s show. Now excuse me while I go and cry like a baby some more.

– The Armchair Quarterbacks

NOTE: Dino did not approve this blog.

In this Super Bowl XLII preview edition of The Armchair Quarterbacks, you’ll hear how Benglish is very unlikely to enjoy this Sunday’s game, and hear how the stress of the impending clash with the seemingly invincible Patriots has been wearing on him. Of course, Dino is there to lend absolutely no moral support whatsoever. And when Dino backs an unlikely team in the big game, it send Benglish over the edge.

You’ll also hear a breakdown of all the latest NFL coaching carousel silliness, and the guys discuss all the strange moves that are sure to make the weeks following the Super Bowl very interesting indeed.

But mostly, this show is about the Super Bowl, and you’ll get a dark glimpse into the twisted inner workings and emotions of a die hard fan as his team faces down a big, bad dynasty. It’s not a pretty glimpse, either, and by the end of the show you’ll hear a stressed out Benglish writhing about in a metaphorical fetal position. Dino loves every second of it.

It’s all here in the spectacular, Giants-rooting, Big Blue supporting season finale of the least heard and funniest NFL podcast on the internet. It’s Show #38 — the special NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS SUPER BOWL EDITION of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

GO GIANTS!!!

HITLER WAS A COWBOYS FAN … IT FIGURES.
You can see the now-famous (and incredibly hilarious) youtube video that Benglish and Dino discuss at the top of this week’s show here. It features the dictator that everyone loves to hate, reacting to the Cowboys’ playoff loss to the New York Football Giants.

NOTE: Dino did not approve this blog.

Initial impressions … though the Giants did edge the pack, they statistically dominated the game. That’s a real shocker. The Giants had the ball for 40 minutes. Long drives. Good running. Efficient passing. Who are those guys? This team seemed to come together virtually overnight. Whether it was in Buffalo or back in Giants Stadium against the Patriots … this team has turned themselves around.

The Packers game plan really seemed fatally flawed. Only 13 carries by Ryan Grant for 29 yards? What the hell? And though they put the ball in Favre’s hands, he never tested the injured and suspect Giants secondary. Favre was off, even though the Giants pass rush never really pressured him. That just seemed like a radically different Packer team than the one that trounced Seattle just last week. I can only assume that they thought the Giants were going to be freaked out by the weather (note to Mike McCarthy: they weren’t).

And you’ve just gotta praise Eli. No TDs, but 254 yards passing and no INTs. It seems like the light has just gone on for the guy. I don’t recognize this team. They are not the Giants of October 2007. They are the Giants of January 2008. And what’s more, they are the NFC Champs.

More later this week, fellas. Go Giants!

– The Armchair Quarterbacks

NOTE: Dino did not approve this blog.

Yes, in spite of the fact the New York Football Giants glorious and stunning upset of the Dallas Cowboys in the Divisional round of the playoffs, there is a show this week. Dino was able to pull slightly out of his funk, brush off the meaningless statistics of Dallasâ??s dead-end 13-3 season, and get into the studio. It should be noted that this collectorâ??s edition of the show was recorded without Dino wearing his battered Cowboys hat â?¦

Benglish, meanwhile, revels in the Giants victory and their improbable march through the playoffs. Youâ??ll hear a complete breakdown of all of last weekendâ??s Divisional Playoffs action, and look ahead to Chargers-Pats and Giants-Packers on Championship Sunday. But most of the show is devoted to Benglish twisting the knife ever deeper into the sad and broken heart of Dino. Youâ??ll also hear how Benglish and Dino watched the gameâ??s titanic and spectacular final play. A good time will be had by all. Except Cowboys fans, but they probably wonâ??t be listening anyway.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy â?¦ itâ??s a festival of seething, fan-on-fan hatred! Getcha popcorn ready! Itâ??s Show #37 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

PACKER WEATHER MY ASS
Is there any fan thatâ??s not already sick of the “Packer Weather” bullshit? Sure, the game-time temperature for the NFC Championship Game between the Giants and the Packers could be zero degrees â?? and thatâ??s without windchill. Naturally, Packers fans see it as a massive advantage. But think about it for a moment: how many Ice Bowl-like Packers games has Favre played on the so-called â??Frozen Tundraâ?? (which, by the way, is the NFLâ??s only heated playing surface, so the â??tundraâ?? never actually freezes)? Could someone PLEASE do some research and tell me the coldest game that beer-swillin’, pill-popping redneck from gulf coast Mississippi has played in? Most of you will recall that Favre hasn’t had a deep playoff run that’s included a January home game in Lambeau for about a decade. I’ll bet you this could potentially be the coldest game heâ??s ever played in, too. And Ryan Grant was on the Giants in August, so itâ??s not like heâ??s played in anything like this either … Can everyone please drop the assumption that putting on a Packers jersey automatically builds Inuit DNA into a playerâ??s genes? How many guys on the Packers roster are from SEC schools? Itâ??s the dumbest myth in sports. If the Packers have an advantage this weekend, it’s that the Giants’ secondary is all injured; the weather will only be a minor factor.

THE OMENS
Not many folks are giving the Giants much of a chance this Sunday. And thatâ??s understandable. Anyone whoâ??s seen the way the Giants played for most of this season is stunned that theyâ??re 60 minutes from the Super Bowl. Itâ??s going to be a tall order for the Giantsâ?? injury-riddled secondary to keep pace with GBâ??s speedy WR trio of Driver, Jennings, and Jones. The potential is there for this game to get out of hand for the Giants very quickly.

In desperate times, fans need to look for omens, and this time around there are a few that fit in the Giants favor. There are some eerie similarities between this Giants team and the 1990 Giants team. And remember: that 1990 Giants team had to play as underdogs in an NFC Championship Game on the road in San Francisco. Take a look at these massively good omens for the Giants:

â?¢ The 1990 Giants played against a Niners team that was going for a third-straight Super Bowl win; the 2007 Pats are going for their second-straight Super Bowl win.

â?¢ In 1990, two of the Giantsâ?? top defensive (LT and DE Leonard Marshall) stars missed the pre-season during much-publicized hold-outs; in 2007, the Giantsâ?? top defensive star Michael Strahan missed the pre-season during a much-publicized hold out.

â?¢ The 1990 Giants played and won an NFC Championship Game on the road against the Niners on January 20th, 1991; the 2007 Giants will face the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field in the NFC Championship game on January 20th, 2008.

â?¢ The Giants last won an NFC Championship Game on the road 17 years-to-the-day from the date of this Sundayâ??s game against the Packers; Giants WR Plaxico Burress wears #17.

Well, OK â?¦ maybe these similarities arenâ??t all that eerie. Hell, theyâ??re not even that similar. But Iâ??ll take what I can get. Do these so-called similarities mean the Giants will win this Sunday? Iâ??m not sayinâ?? â?¦ Iâ??m just sayinâ??.

COCKY PATS FANS NOW CIRCULATING BRADY JOKES
OK, this oughta make you sick. A buddy of mine whoâ??s a Pats fan (to his credit, heâ??s a real Pats fan, not a bandwagon jumper) sent me this â??joke.â?? If youâ??re as tired of Tom Brady and the Pats as the rest of the planet, you may want to skip it. But maybe posting it on the blog will cause them some bad mojo, so what the hell:

Peyton Manning, Tony Romo and Tom Brady are all standing in front of an empty table with God sitting at the head.

God asks Peyton Manning first: “What do you believe?”

Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.”

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, “What do you believe?”

Tony says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve
always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing field.”

God is greatly moved by Tony’s sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: “And you, Tom, what do you believe?”

Tom replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

Ha ha ha. Oh, thatâ??s just so damned funny, isnâ??t it? Yeah â?¦ I didnâ??t think so either.

THE BEST PART: If Brady, Romo, and Favre are talking to God, that must mean theyâ??re all dead.

Now thatâ??s funny.

And if youâ??re ready to give the guys crap over being away for so long, lighten up. Itâ??s not like we took a week off to go to Mexico with some broad whose I.Q. is lower than our jersey number when we shouldâ??ve been getting ready for a playoff run â?¦ like some quarterbacks I can mention.

In this weekâ??s show, youâ??ll hear the guys wrap up Wild Card Weekend and look ahead to the Divisional Playoffs. Naturally youâ??ll get their predictions on how the games will go down. Once again, the Oscar Gamble Doll is up for grabs in Cowboys-Giants III. Will Benglish wrest the crazy-haired podcast mascot from Dinoâ??s evil clutches? We wonâ??t know until Sunday night â?¦

Youâ??ll also here a wrap up of all the coaching carousel news, speculation on who Archie loves more â?? Peyton or Eli? â?? as plenty of snide remarks and cackling. But bubbling close to the surface is the anger and hatred that’s caused by the Giants-Cowboys game. You’ll thrill to the fact that both Dino and Benglish seem to be on a hair trigger during the entire show, and are withing seconds of lunging at one another and tearing at eachother’s trachea! Will this show have a bloody and violent end? You won’t know unless you download it and listen closely to ever single second! In one of the most gigantic ironies of the NFL season, the closer your team gets to the Super Bowl, the more stressful and excruciating it becomes to watch them. And you’ll hear that tension throughout this week’s podcast!

Theyâ??re back, full of hate, and hotter than ever, and they may never speak to one another again after this weekendâ??s Giants-Cowboys playoff game, so youâ??d better enjoy this episode â?? it could be their last. Itâ??s Show #36 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

But we’re back and better than ever with an extra-long Holiday Special that’s sure to amuse you, or at least keep you occupied in the event you’ve got travel plans this holiday that happen to include a trip to your in-law’s place. This week’s show features a close look at some of the top stories of the week (except for the hilarious sodomization of hapless Falcon’s owner Arthur Blank by the NFL’s biggest tease-’em-and-leave-’em specialist, Bill Parcells, which happened after the show was recorded). You’ll hear some of the last Mike Vick talk of the season, as well as the requisite discussion on the state of the Giants and the Cowboys.

You’ll also hear a complete breakdown of Brian Westbrook’s so-called “genius” move of NOT putting his team up by 11 points in the waning minutes of the Eagles-Cowboys game in Week 16. As I’m sure you already know, both Benglish and Dino think Westbrook is an idiot.

Benglish cries himself a river over the misfortunes of his 9-4 “juggernaut” fantasy team, The Magnificent Bastards, who were obliterated in the Divisional Championship round of a big-money fantasy league. Benglish’s $20 fantasy team, naturally, is Super Bowl bound. Fantasy geeks in the audience will either empathize with Benglish’s plight or find his gut-wrenching pain hilarious and well deserved. You decide.

And on top of that, there’s also a breakdown of the playoff picture, a touching holiday gift exchange between Benglish and Dino, and, of course, plenty of Cockpunchesâ?¢ to go around. It’s all here and so jammed full of goddamn holiday cheer that even elves are sickened by it — it’s Show #35 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

* David Bowie does not appear in Show #35 of The Armchair Quarterbacks.

On this week’s mini-show, you’ll hear the guys own up to their rampant distastefully jocular aittitude and rampant douchebaggery in the wake of Washington DB Sean Taylor’s murder; you’ll actually hear them apologize. Is it sincere? Well, it’s up to you to decide.

Of course, there’s also coverage of the Patriot’s near-loss to the ever-whiny Baltimore Ravens on Monday. And the requisite, excruciatingly painful pro-Cowboys blather from Dino, who is gradually becoming the kind of Cowboys fan that all of America hates as Dallas marches ever closer to their embarrassing loss in this year’s Super Bowl. Meanwhile, Benglish comes to terms with the depressing reality that is New York Giants football in 2007, and even admits that he committed the ultimate sin of the true fan during NYG’s thrilling fourth quarter comeback against the Chicago Bears. Tune in to find out what a truly faithless bastard Benglish can be!

Yes, it’s pretty much the same thing you hear every week — except this week, there’s a lot less of it. So sit back, relax, and get ready for some rollicking NFL commentary and plenty of offensive statements! It’s all new! It’s fat free (except for Benglish)! It’s Show #33 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

HATE HATE HATE

HATE HATE HATE

In this week’s show, your twisted co-hosts weigh in on the Sean Taylor tragedy with predictably sick and distasteful results. In defense of Dino and Benglish, however, please keep in mind that Taylor was only in a coma at the time the jokes were made; it was still some hours before his actual death. Which of course makes these jokes OK to laugh at. Kind of.

Speaking of tragedies, you’ll also hear Benglish’s painful breakdown of Eli Manning’s horrific four-interception nightmare against the Vikings. As you may have read in this week’s earlier blog, Benglish refuses to put all of the blame on the Giants’ slack-jawed mouth-breather of a quarterback. It’s Coughlin who needs to get a chunk of the blame, too.

Naturally, Dino makes everyone re-live the Cowboys’ so-called triumph over the pathetic New York Jets, and even goes the extra mile to post this week’s show on Thursday - before the big Green Bay-Dallas showdown. You’ll also hear exactly how Dino and Benglish see the battle for home field advantage in the NFC playing out.

The late, great Sean Taylor isn’t the only Redskin who gets his due in Show #32. You’ll also hear a unique take on ‘Skins QB Jason Campbell, who AQB believes was separated at birth from Commodores front man and pop sensation Lionel Richie. Hilarity results. If you enjoy a couple of morons laughing at their own jokes, then you’ve certainly come to the right podcast.

But that’s not all. In this jam-packed, ill-directed and rambling episode, you’ll also hear a poorly thought-out and wildly inaccurate analysis of the playoff picture in the NFC and the AFC. If nothing else, it will prove to you that though Benglish and Dino have been watching the games, they’ve been paying little attention to the standings.

Of course, you’ll get the usual goodly portion of Peter King commentary, game breakdowns, and Cockpunchesâ?¢ galore. It’s all right here for your listening pleasure. It’s the kind of sick and inappropriate NFL humor you’ll never, ever hear on sports radio, television, in polite company, or even at the most hideous, beer-fueled tailgate party. It’s the kind of thing that will be funny only to heartless killers like Sean Taylor’s murderer and Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick. It’s Show #32 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

The bad news … well, you know the punchline to this sorry joke. Three of the scores went the other way. And which way are the New York Football Giants heading? It sure ain’t toward Phoenix.

Last year, The Armchair Quarterbacks started calling Eli Manning “My Lai” Manning, because his poor play was helping the Giants get massacred. And “My Lai” came back with a vengeance yesterday, throwing a horrifying four INTs against the Viking’s 32nd-rated pass defense, three of which were run back for scores (maybe his new name should be “Three-Li” Manning). Worst of all, Eli’s wildly successful older bother Peyton was at Giants Stadium to see it happen (for once, Peyton didn’t seem to be shooting a commercial).
I didn’t see the game, but listened in awe and rage as I heard the meltdown begin on the second play from scrimmage — the 60-yard TD bomb to Sidney Rice. I was driving through North Carolina on the way home from Thanksgiving.

My first thought? “Uh-oh.”

My second? “Man, am I glad I didn’t stick around in Jersey and get tickets to this game.”

In a wonderful twist of technological fate, my Tivo froze while I was on vacation, and didn’t record the game, sparing me the pain of actually seeing the tragic spectacle unfold.

But I heard every painful minute of the action thanks to the wonders of Sirius Satellite Radio. And after seeing last night’s highlight packages, listening to the post-game analysis, and reading Monday’s sports pages (both national and New York), I know one thing: the sports media has it in for Eli.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not about to write a justification of Eli’s inexcusably horrific play in yesterday’s game. He flat-out sucked. Not just bad decisions; bad throws (which are more disturbing, and speak to his often faulty mechanics). And as usual, he played the emotionless zombie both on the field in the middle of the catastrophe, and in front of the press after the game. He is seemingly a man without passion or fire — even without the ability to recognize the fact that even the appearance of his lack of passion or fire is causing a lot of his problems with the media.

His comment after the game? “I wasn’t very good today.”

Thanks for clearing that up for us, Eli.

While I still think that it’s early to nail the coffin closed on Eli’s career with the Giants, I will happily concede that Eli is, at best, an average and inconsistent QB. And he’s done very little to assure Giants fans or the Giants front office that he has what it takes to eventually lead this team to a championship. What’s more, up to this point, it’s looking like Eli was by no means worth all that the Giants gave up to get him in the first round.

But look at the career of Philip Rivers, the man who was a Giant for about 20 minutes before being traded away for Eli on Draft Day in April of 2004. While Rivers had a 240 yard, 3 TD performance yesterday, he is currently the QB of a 6-5 team that has fallen into mediocrity after a 14-win season in 2006. Most people will tell you that he’s had a lousy season. But who’s getting all the blame in San Diego? Head coach Norv Turner.

As I listened to each maddening snap of the Giants meltdown yesterday, I had an intense feeling of deja vu. Exactly one year before, I’d made the same drive back to Georgia from my Thanksgiving break and heard the Giants implode in a road game against the less talented, struggling Tennessee Titans.

It’s a year later, and yet what I was hearing was nearly identical. Yesterday I heard receivers out of position, running the wrong routes. I heard dropped passes. I heard Reuben Droughns getting stuffed at the line of scrimmage. I heard multiple illegal formation penalties. I heard false starts by the O-line. I heard a defense that couldn’t get Tavaris fucking Jackson off the field. I heard an ill-prepared team that was sleep-walking through a critical home game against a sub-par team. And who do you blame for that? The coaching staff, that’s who.

Throughout his entire career, Eli has been playing for Tom Coughlin, and in Tom Coughlin’s system. Put aside all this crap about Coughlin’s “kinder and gentler” facade and his drill instructor demeanor. What about game plans? What about half-time adjustments? Isn’t Coughlin at least partially to blame for Eli’s lack of progress? Why do we never hear about what offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride is or isn’t doing?

Yesterday in the Meadowlands, Eli was completely unprepared to play. But he wasn’t alone.

Last year, the Giants went 2-6 in the second half. This year, they’re already 1-2 in the second half, and now must travel to Chicago to face the Bears in a critical showdown. If the Giants fall on their face in Soldier Field, darker days await. Then it’s off to Philly, and home against the ‘Skins. The Giants playoff destiny is still in their hands, but for how long? They currently hold a two-game lead on a Wild Card slot. A loss to Chicago in Week 13, and the third straight late-season swoon of the Coughlin era will become an ever-tightening tailspin. If you think Eli is feeling the heat today, wait and see how hot Coughlin’s seat becomes if the Giants lose to the Bears and the Eagles.

When there are so many other critical breakdowns throughout the entire team, at what point do do you put it on the coaching staff? The offense sputters and it’s Eli this and Eli that. Coughlin and Gilbride must shoulder some of this blame.

Have the Giants gotten as far as they can with Eli under center? Maybe.

Have the Giants gotten as far as they can with Coughlin as the head coach? Definitely.

– Benglish

Until then, enjoy the bird and the games, fellas. Thanks for listening and have a great holiday.

– The Armchair Quarterbacks

P.S. Please listen to our Thanksgiving Day voice mail message.

Dino is, of course, nauseatingly giddy over the outcome of the game, seemingly oblivious to the fact that his beloved ‘Boys have taken one step closer toward getting a monumental ass kicking from the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII. And though Benglish is disappointed in his Giants, he saw this one coming and he takes Dino’s abuse like a man.

Apparently, there was more at stake in the Giants-Cowboys game than first place in the NFC East; according to many sportswriters, the game was nothing less than a referendum on Eli Manning’s future as a quarterback. This week, Benglish lets loose a rant for the ages against NY Daily News columnist Gary Myers and his outrageous claim that the Giants are destined never to beat the Cowboys again during the Tony Romo Era.

Dino’s Romosexuality runs rampant, and his man-crush on the media’s new celebrity QB grows to such an extent that it actually reaches Peter King-ian proportions. And just as Dino’s masturbatory Cowboys fantasy reaches fever pitch, Benglish is there to throw water on his misguided co-host by pointing out an ingenious online column that proves the ‘Boys are bound for an unhappy ending this February — something Benglish himself has been saying since the beginning of the season. And remember: Benglish is a goddamn football genius.

And speaking of Peter King, Benglish and Dino speculate whether there’s been a falling out between SI’s most irritating football writer the wily Cowboys QB. Is there trouble in Paradise? Has the curly-topped champion of all things Romo found a different QB upon whom to heap paragraph after paragraph of overstated praise!? A look at King’s Monday Morning Quarterback column after Week 10 may offer some clues …

But that’s not all. AQB’s wonderfully offensive picks segment returns as football genius Jimmy the Jew® comes back to tell you who to pick and why in the Week 11 action.

Is there more? Yes. Are there Cockpunchesâ?¢? HELL YES. Is this week’s show offensive? Of course. Is it funny? Well … a little. But it’s definitely offensive, definitely raw, and definitely the best worst NFL podcast on the ‘net. So sit back, relax, and get ready for a big, heaping spoonful of hilarity. It’s Show #31 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

This time, the honor of AQB’s SFX doll Oscar Gamble is on the line, because “The Oscar” goes to Benglish if the Giants win, or Dino in the sad event of a Cowboys victory. So this one is for all the marbles. And a small, creepy $1 toy from Target. Naturally, tensions are running high.
But thatâ??s not all. Benglish and Dino are also ready with some lame, so-called â??analysisâ?? of the Pats win over the Colts in Week 9. Due to the fear that New England Head Coach Bill Belichick is, in fact, a cold-blooded murderer, you will hear little in the way of negative commentary.

And best of all, this weekâ??s show is 100% bit free! If you wanted some funny pre-produced football sketches, bits, or extras, youâ??ll just have to go to some other schlocky, thrown-together podcast. Or just keep wanting them. Or want them someplace else. Or better yet, get off your lazy ass and look to your right, and click the AQB Sketches tab under “Episodes” and re-live the glory days of the show with some of our greatest hits. Because this week, you get a very special bit-free edition of AQB, which ensures that there are fewer laughs in this podcast than ever before.

As you can tell, weâ??ve upped the dreamy on this weekâ??s show. And Cockpunchedâ?¢ those who deserve it. If youâ??re ready to deal with a complete FBI investigation of your hard drive, hit â??downloadâ?? and enjoy the full, glorious audio spectacle that is Show #30 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!!

This week, your heroes raced against the clock to get the show done — very much like a fat man arriving at the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet 10 minutes before closing time. And the results are just as ugly - a Niagra of rushed and half-baked quasi-sports-related commentary punctuated by lots of salty language. Sounds fun, huh? Yes, this week’s show has all the charm of a Travis Henry paternity suit, and not nearly as much class. Absent is the polish and semi-professionalism that most of our listeners neither notice, nor care about. This week you get raw, uncut, and unexpurgated Dino and Benglish … and you’re sure to be nauseated by what you hear.

In this special Reader’s Digest version of AQB, you’ll hear Benglish bemoan his Giants’ close-fought game with the inept Dolphins in London. You’ll hear a breakdown of Detroit QB Jon “God Boy” Kitna’s hypocritical party faux pas (for you Cowboys fans, that’s pronounced “Fox Pass”). You’ll find out why long-time AQB punching bag Peter King has received his last Cockpunchâ?¢ from the guys, and you’ll also get lots of the Benglish and Dino laughing at their own jokes. Just like every week.

Oh, and in cast you’ve been pinned under something really heavy for the last few weeks, there’s kind of a big game in the RCA Dome this weekend. And just in case you haven’t heard enough bullshit about what’s sure to be the 2007 season’s most over-hyped borefest, Benglish and Dino will tell you how the Pats-Colts game is likely to shake out.

It’s all here and, thankfully, easily deleted at the press of a button. It’s 39 minutes of pure, unadulterated NFL-based hate and anger — it’s Show #29 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

This week’s big news is that AQB researchers have finally been able to unearth behind-the-scenes audio of the famed Blossom porn video. And you won’t believe who co-stars in the former TV ing’enue in her first on-camera sex scene! We’ll also take you behind the scenes of the off-season’s ugliest NFL divorce and play you an actual conversation between Giants DE Michael Strahan and his bitch-on-wheels ex-wife Jean. Who is Strahan dating now that he’s single? The answer will shock you.

You’ll also hear Benglish get extremely excited about this year’s most overrated football squad, the San Diego Chargers and their pizza-faced, Slim Jim gnawing coach Norv Turner.

But that’s not all. There’s also all the usual idiotic NFL banter that keeps you masochists coming back for this weekly audio flogging every week. Dino and Benglish dive deep into all the Week 7 action, and dish out a mega Cockpunchâ?¢ to their old bete noir Peter King for his latest and most preposterous Monday Morning Quarterback column.

Plus there’s a look ahead to this Sunday’s games, and some more bad jokes and unfunny content to hold the whole show together. As Koro might say, “It’s Show #28 of The Armchair Quarterbacks, bitches!”

In a world where these sorts of football miracles are commonplace, is it any wonder that a 27th episode of The Armchair Quarterbacks was on its way? Of course not! And we’re back with our recap of Week 6’s NFL excitement, and a look ahead to Week 7. This week, we breakdown the Dallas-New England game, ponder the future of the Giants, and crack some bad jokes. And this week, we also introduce a new member of the AQB team, our new sound effects doll, Oscar Gamble. His disturbing shriek of terror will underscore many of the points (and non-points) made during this week’s show. You know the show is about quality control when a $1 Halloween novelty item from Target can so easily be incorporated into the action.

Yes … you know the deal. Let’s face it: you know what to expect by now, so you pretty much are getting what you deserve the moment you choose to download the show. Besides: what better way to cap off another week of drudgery at the office than with an hour’s worth of drudgery on your iPod?

You’ll get all that and less in Show #27 of the internet’s most rollicking borefest of NFL talk, The Armchair Quarterbacks!

But then I realized that there was no way the Cowboys could possibly hold on to their slim lead over the Patriots, so there was no need to slay my loved ones. They wouldn’t need to suffer the terror and depravity of a world where the Cowboys were 6-0; the Pats would rally. So I put the knife in the dishwasher and took my sandwich into the living room.

And my family aren’t the only ones who were spared by the Patriots’ victory; a lot of good things came out of today’s Dallas loss. I didn’t need to experience a gloating call from Dino. I didn’t need to cancel this week’s recording of The Armchair Quarterbacks for fear of murdering a smug Dino during the recording session. The nation was spared the disturbing image of the doughy and impish Wade Phillips jumping around like a tubby gnome and jiggling his man-tits. No one had to listen to self-aggrandizing blather and chest-beating from T.O. (though he did have a better day than “the other 81.”) We didn’t need to hear Tony Romo dedicate the game to his dad who has prostate cancer (”This one’s for you, Ramiro!”). As an added bonus, that retarded grin was wiped off Romo’s face — even Carrie Underwood is psyched about that one.

And best of all, I can write this ‘Boy-hating blog with complete impunity because Dino is too lazy to post a rejoinder on the site, and PTP lives too far away to come and kick my ass.

Remember: when the Cowboys lose, the world wins. Rejoice!

You guys psyched, or what?!

This week, Benglish rants against yet another flaw in the HBO Sports series Inside the NFL â?? and for once it’s not Bob Costas. Weâ??ll revisit the horrifying nightmare that was the Buffalo Bills’ Monday night loss to the Cowboys, who should also be known as the luckiest and most overrated team in the history of sports. You’ll also hear the debut the NFLâ??s most politically incorrect picks segment (and the world’s worst impression of an old Jewish guy … by a young Jewish guy). And of course, you’ll get AQB’s in-depth and childish analysis of all of the Week 5 action in the NFL.

It’s all here in Show #26 of The Armchair Quarterbacks. If your ears start bleeding, remember: you were warned.

Youâ??ve got to wonder what Robinson was thinking when he asked for another shot. Are we sure he was asking to get back into the league? Letâ??s face it: heâ??s a drunk. â??Gimme another shotâ?? is a phrase he probably uses a lot. According to a story in USA TODAY (which bears the unintentionally hilarious headline: â??FAVRE: SUSPENDED RECEIVER ROBINSON DESERVES ANOTHER SHOTâ??), Robinson doesnâ??t yet have a meeting scheduled with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. But KoRo was obviously too drunk to realize that he doesnâ??t need to meet with Goodell to be reinstated. Robinsonâ??s suspension ends on October 17th.

Itâ??s fair to draw the conclusion that Favre is badly in need of a drinking buddy, because the Packers WR corps seems to be full at this point. Although to be fair, Donald Driver, Greg Jennings, James Jones, and Ruvell Martin donâ??t look like theyâ??re too fun to hang out with; itâ??s hard enough watching them play football.

The Armchair Quarterbacks raise a toast to Robinson and drink to his future success in both rehab and the NFL.

T.O. HAS SOMEONE PRINT OUT NOTE WITH MISSPELLINGS TO PROVE HEâ??S FOCUSED ON THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS.
Youâ??ve got to hand it to Terrell Owens. When heâ??s not whining about his shitty childhood, dropping key passes, or trying to off himself, he sure knows how to cover his bases. His â??preparationâ?? for this weekendâ??s big showdown between the Cowboys and the Patriots consisted of two big moments. On Tuesday, he planted the seeds for his excuse of why heâ??ll have a shitty game against the Patriotâ??s Assante Samuel by claiming he â??slightly injured his hipâ?? in the MNF game against the Bills. Then he wrote a note â?? well, had someone write a note for him â?? and posted it in his locker. The note reads:

Dear Reporters,
Due to the magnitude of this weekâ??s game and high volume of questions for the Original 81 about the other 81, will be taking all questions immediately following Sundayâ??s game.

Sincerely,
Terrell Owens

P.S. Getcha popcorn ready.

Maybe T.O. did write the note; â??getchaâ?? is not a word. He probably meant â??Get your.â?? Remember: this gut went to University of Tennessee/Chattanooga. But grammatical errors aside, the note clearly is a swipe at Patriots WR Randy Moss. T.O. really knows how to poke the hungry bear with a stick, donâ??t he? Moss is the leagueâ??s leading wideout, with 551 yards and 7 TDs already this season â?? on pace to obliterate every single-season record at the position. Owens has 387 yards receiving and 3 TDs.

Youâ??ve got to wonder what fellow Cowboys think of T.O.â??s latest self-aggrandizing idiocy. He may as well have walked into the Patriotâ??s locker room and posted this note in Randy Mossâ??s locker, too. The Patriots are not a team that needs further motivation. Look what theyâ??ve done since the ridiculous â??cheatingâ?? allegations earlier this season â?? theyâ??re already on a mission of vengeance. It isnâ??t smart to antagonize them. But T.O. will find that out for himself on Sunday afternoon.

This is, of course, just a side show of the Big Show of the â??Boys-Pats throwdown. But after reading this note, Iâ??m sure even Jets, Dolphins, and Bills fans are ready to run out and buy a Tom Brady jersey to wear while theyâ??re watching the game this weekend.

As for me? I think Dallas will be little more than a speed bump for the more balanced and better coached (if not necessarily more talented) Patriots. I say itâ??s New England 31, Cowboys 17.

OH COME THE FUCK ON: PANTHERS SIGN 82-YEAR-OLD TESTAVERDE.
â??Heâ??s back. Again.â?? How many times has that been written about the octogenarian QB Testaverde? More importantly, when will it stop? Incredibly, the Panthers signed Testaverde this week after a season-ending surgery forced Jake Delhomme off the field, and a back problem side-lined David Carr. Two freaky stats about this signing:

1) This wil be the first time in the history of the NFL that two first-round QBs will be playing for the same team at the same time.

2) Panthers WR Jarrett Wayne was born in 1986 â?? the same year Testaverde won the Heisman Trophy at Miami.

Vinnie wasnâ??t a very good quarterback in his prime; one can only assume heâ??s even worse after so many years of rust have accumulated, broken up only by sporadic appearances on preseason rosters. This past summer, Vinnie was on the Patriotâ??s roster, but was cut before the season started. What possible value could Vinnie have for Carolina when he wasnâ??t good enough to be the emergency DEFCON 4 QB for the Patriots? Weâ??ll find out this Sunday, because as of this writing, it looks as though Vinnie may start. And thatâ??s sure to be as hi-larious as a warehouse full of Seinfeld DVDs â?¦ unless youâ??re a Panthers fan. As T.O. might say, â??Getcha popcorn ready!â??

This week, The Armchair Quarterbacks try unsuccessfully to get back into the groove of doing a poorly produced weekly podcast. You’ll hear the guys break down Brett Favre’s record-breaking week, and re-dub the Canton-bound QB “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave.” Naturally, you’ll hear gushing, uncritical commentary about the Cowboys from Dino, and unnecessarily pessimistic talk about the Giants’ big defensive effort against Philly.

But things really heat up when Benglish and Dino begin trashing embattled Chargers head coach Norv Turner, and speculate how he spent his time in the booth while he ran the Cowboys offense back in the 90s.

It’s all here. The offensive jokes. The inappropriate comments. In fact, this week you’ll hear Dino and Benglish do their level best to guarantee that The Armchair Quarterbacks will never, ever get a legitimate sponsor. It’s back for the second non-consecutive week of the season! Embrace it! Celebrate it! Then delete it from your computer as quickly as possible before the Feds catch you with it! It’s Show #25 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

But this week was different. And in our upcoming show, we get back to business, breaking down all the action in the most inexpert way possible. And this time around, we have some time to work in some funny parts like we did in those heady first days of the show back in ‘06. So stay tuned and get ready to download … The Armchair Quarterbacks are back, and we’re bringing our “A” game (which is the equivilent of a “C” game for most people).

Yes, it’s finally here! The podcast you so mistakenly have been waiting for these many months â?? the triumphant return of The Armchair Quarterbacks! Prepare to be underwhelmed as a decidedly rusty pair of would-be sports-talk types take you on a semi-interesting and wildly redundant and unfunny romp through the first two weeks of the 2007 NFL season. Believe it or not, the guys are already in midseason form. Benglish canâ??t seem to complete a sentence, let alone a complete thought. And Dino has already begun to accept the Cowboysâ?? press clippings as Holy Writ and a sign that not only may Romo and company be playing in Phoenix come February â?? they could even win (now thatâ??s high comedy). Youâ??ll hear AQBâ??s take on the Patriots and â??spygateâ?? and, if thereâ??s time to get them into the show, a couple of funny bits.

Thanks for waiting for us. Weâ??re glad to be back. Of course, after youâ??ve heard this show, you may not feel the same way.

Manning pointed out that any criticism of McNabb has nothing to do with the Eagles QB’s race, but his accomplishments on the field … or lack thereof. “When you fill out an HR form, there’s a box for caucasian, hispanic, and African-American. Last time I checked, there’s no box for ‘Lost Three Straight NFC Championship Games and a Super Bowl.’ At least not at any company I’ve worked for.”

Manning’s ignorable tenure as the white quarterback of the New York Giants has been marked by mediocrity. Neither his model girlfriend nor the half-finished bottle of Miller Genuine Draft seen in this picture could be reached for further comment.

After last yearâ??s Super Bowl, we swore to all of you that The Armchair Quarterbacks was going to be your year-â??round source on the â??net for NFL commentary and funny stuff. Sorry that didnâ??t work out. I wonâ??t go into the details of what caused our long hibernation, but the good news is that Dinoâ??s sexual reassignment surgery was a complete success.

Now for the bad news: weâ??re back for the â??07 season. No, we didnâ??t have a pre-season show. And sure, weâ??re not going to have our first episode up until Week 2 of the 2007 is in the books. But weâ??re coming back pistol hot, with obnoxious and offensive commentary that youâ??ll only find on The Armchair Quarterbacks.

So give us a few more days to knock the rust off, update our emails, and all that other good stuff. And weâ??ll be up and running with the first show of the 2007 season later next week. Thanks to everyone who emailed to ask about the show. Weâ??re flattered, and are really looking forward to starting up again.

In the meantime, if you see Tiki Barber tell him to shut the fuck up.

Sorry, but we’re pissed. All that’s left for us now is, the long, hideous months stretched out before us all. Basketball. Hockey. Baseball. The vast, grisly universe of wildly uninteresting non-sports. Six solitary months of NFL-less hell. Are you ready? We’re not. The entire NFL Europe season is barely worth watching for more than half an hour.

And exactly what have we learned since the Bears inglorious (or glorious, depending on your rooting interests) loss to the Colts in Super Bowl XLI? Actually, weâ??ve learned quite a bit. Letâ??s review:

• Weâ??ve learned that Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid is just as good at child rearing as he is at coaching, and heâ??s raised two psychotic, drug-crazed bastards.

• Weâ??ve learned that Wade Phillips is just as good at child rearing as he is at coaching, and heâ??s raised a slut.

• Weâ??ve learned that the Wade Phillips hiring was enough to move Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to tears, even before Jones has seen the Cowboysâ?? dismal 2007 record.

• Weâ??ve learned that the Pro Bowl is still useless, even when itâ??s exciting.

• Weâ??ve learned that â??excitingâ?? is a relative term.

• Weâ??ve learned that Redskins safety Shaun Taylor only plays well in the Pro Bowl.

• Weâ??ve learned that Lavar Arrington, Chad Morton, Carlos Emmons, and Luke â??The Human False Start Penaltyâ?? Petitgout will not play for the Giants in the 2007 season.

• Weâ??ve learned that Lavar Arrington, Chad Morton, Carlos Emmons, and Luke Petitgout are now locks to make the 2007 Pro Bowl.

Weâ??ve also learned that doing a podcast when thereâ??s not a whole lot of football news out there is â?¦ welll, kinda tough and, frequently, pointless. But weâ??re going to tough it out, and keep this thing going in throughout the off season. And so here is Show #23 of The Armchair Quarterbacks â?? our first-ever off-season episode! If you thought we were full of hate during the NFL season, you ainâ??t heard nothinâ?? yet! In this show, you’ll get a post-season Cockpunchâ?¢, along with a meandering discussion on the intense meaninglessness of the Pro Bowl. If we told you that that Show #23 didn’t have it all, we’d be lying! So sit back, relax, and do your best to avoid all the homoerotic “Cactus League” and “Grapefruit League” chat that ESPN will be trying to pump into your head. Get your first dose of off-season NFL hatred from those magnificent bastards, The Armchair Quarterbacks!

Super Bowl XLI is finally in the books, and the Colts won in convincing fashion. I’m already prepping myself for the incredible sports talk radio assualt of the “football purists” who will write this game off as a sloppy, uninteresting affair. Don’t be that guy — it’s wrong to hate on the Super Bowl. The fumbles, turnovers, and miscues added some drama to what may otherwise have disintegrated into a borefest of Peyton Manning TD passes over the floundering Bears defense.

AQB is officially unsurprised by the outcome of the game; we called it. The Colts won comfortably. If nothing else, it was entertaining to see the Bears players go through the brief tease of believing that they were going to win the game, only to see their dreams smashed against a rock. The fact that it was Rex Grossman doing the majority of the smashing is too funny for words. After an entire season of Grossman-bashing on the podcast, Rex’s Sunday night “performance,” was sweet vindication.

In fact, the only thing AQB got wrong about this game, was Benglish’s idiotic assertion on the podcast that, “Devin Hester will not return a kick for a touchdown.” Benglish’s genius for 14 seconds.

Some quick observations on the game:

â?¢ Devin Hester’s game was over after he returned the opening kick for a touchdown. After that, Hester just seemed happy to be there — mission accomplished.

â?¢ Nantz and Simms were miserable: they never called out Bears DB Danieal Manning for his egregiously blown coverage that led to Reggie Wayne’s 53-yard TD catch.

â?¢ Why did postgame analysts feel the need to tiptoe around the fact that Rex Grossman basically cost the Bears the game? Nearly every postgame show featured comments such as, “Hey, Rex Grossman led the Bears to a 15-3 record,” or “Say what you want, but Rex Grossman was the quarterback in a Super Bowl — not a lot of guys can say that.” Oh … so all you need to do is get there, and after that, just do your best? Come on …

â?¢ If you thought Rex Grossman’s quarterback play in the Super Bowl was attrocious, get a load of his website.

â?¢ Worst commercial: the bizarre Budweiser spot featuring Don Shula matching wits with Jay-Z in a trippy, 3D NFL speed chess game. I happen to think Shula is fairly overrated as a coach, but when did Jay-Z become known for his play calling abilities? In the spot, the rapper sits there and coolly out-schemes the guy who coached the undefeated ‘72 Dolphins. In the end, Jay-Z’s victory is saved by some well-dressed slut blowing Shula’s game-winning field goal off course. Why do all rap stars think that because they’re successful in music, they’re automatically unstoppable in any field? Why does Budweiser think that re-enforcing this fallacy helps build the Bud brand? And what does a rap star playing some freakish Star Wars-like football chess game against a near-dead coach have to do with beer?

â?¢ The Bears ran 19 plays in the first half. Nineteen plays.

â?¢ You’ve gotta love the Indy play calling. All those Addai/Rhodes runs had Chicago on their heels. The Colts won this game on the ground.

â?¢ Edgerrin James is really, really pissed.

â?¢ Peyton Manning was named MVP as a kind of “lifetime achievement award.” His numbers were average. The MVP probably should have gone to Rhodes or Addai.

â?¢ Don’t feel bad for Rex Grossman; feel bad for Eli Manning.

Dino and Benglish use this show to vent their spleens on a variety of Super Bowl-related topics. You’ll find out why Super Bowl XLI will be the “classiest” championship game ever to grace the world of athletic competition. You’ll hear yet more angst about the Cowboys coaching situation from Dino. And as a bonus you never wanted, you’ll get a big, heaping spoonful of needless information about the city of Indianapolis.

But wait! There’s less! You’ll also hear exclusive audio of Bengals wideout Chris Henry as he makes time with a lady friend. And, best of all, you’ll hear all of the many reasons why the Bears will lose to the Colts this Sunday.

It’s all here in the extra special Super Bowl Preview edition of your favorite weekly orgy of NFL hate: The Armchair Quarterbacks!

Luckily, Show #21 was recorded on Monday — just in time to get the breaking NFL news that has dominated this week: the retirement of Dallas Head Coach Bill Parcells. You’ll Dino turn on the former Cowboy coach like a rabid dog — exactly the kind of behavior we’ve all come to expect from Cowboys fans. And the guys will roll through some of the many replacement possibilities that are, even as this blog is posted, still in play.

Naturally, AQB is here with a sometimes insightful and always hostile breakdown of all of the conference championship action. And you’ll hear exactly what’s good and bad about how the games turned out. All this, plus a look at other moves on the coaching carousel, a great new nickname for Eli Manning, and the guys’ initial opinions on “The Soul Bowl“: the first-ever appearance of two black coaches in the Super Bowl.

It’s crude and obnoxious, which makes it all you’ve ever wanted in an NFL playoff podcast! It’s Show #21 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

There are just three meaningful football games left in the NFL season, and The Armchair Quarterbacks are here to help you ward off the coming depression with their best show yet!

This week, you get a complete breakdown of all the potentially moronic coaching moves being made throughout the league, and Benglish as some special words of encouragement for Giants fans still reeling from the Jerry Reese hiring. You’ll also hear a rare non-Peter King Cockpunchâ?¢ being dealt to a columnist for a New York paper.

In spite of their orgasmic glee over the Eagles’ loss to the Saints, Dino and Benglish manage to have an intelligent (well, for them) discussion about all of the Divisional playoff action from last week. And they’ll look ahead to this weekend’s huge conference championship match-ups.

It’s the NFL podcast that’s as classless and hilarious as the Patriots doing Shawne Merriman’s sack dance after beating the Chargers! It’s Show #20: the incredible Championship Sunday Special of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

To the hilarity of all and the surprise of absolutely no one, Vick was nabbed by TSA agents at Miami airport on Wednesday morning as he tried to sneak a fake water bottle full of pot residue past TSA agents. Iâ??m guessing he was in Miami visiting Marcus Vick, his reprobate brother who plays wideout for the Dolphins.

The incident underscores Vickâ??s painful stupidity, and brings glee to the legions of Vick haters throughout the country (myself among them). Vick apparently reads airport security signs about as well as he reads NFL defenses, because he was clearly oblivious to the new airport regulations that prevent passengers from bringing bottles of liquids through to departure gates.

Why would the NFLâ??s highest-paid player, a man with a contract worth in excess of $130 million, risk his career for a $10 trick bottle and some marijuana residue? Why didn’t he just hand it over to the TSA guard and let them throw it out?

Iâ??ll tell you why: Michael Vick is a fucking simpleton.

Judging by the police report and all of the latest news, it seems Vick is likely to wait months for the test results on the â??particulate matterâ?? found in the â??bottle.â?? In all likelihood, heâ??ll receive little more than a slap on the wrist for the incident.

This is good news for Falcons fans. It means that this September, Vick will be free to get down to the serious business of ruining Bobby Petrinoâ??s NFL coaching career.

IT’S A LOCK: COLTS WILL FACE SAINTS IN SUPER BOWL

Iâ??ve already admitted that when it comes to betting lines and calling games against the spread, I donâ??t know jack shit. But in calling the straight-up games, Iâ??m 6-2 since the playoffs started a couple weeks back, and if it werenâ??t for that fat fuck Holmgren and his moronic play calling, Iâ??d have been 7-1.

So hereâ??s the deal. Iâ??m going to tell you which teams weâ??re going to see play in the Super Bowl in Miami a couple of weeks from now. My scoring prediction is merely for laughs. But of the four teams left in the NFL tournament, there are two that definitely have that intangible â??feelâ?? of a Super Bowl team: the Colts and the Saints. Hereâ??s how Championship Sunday is gonna go down:

NEW ORLEANS @ CHICAGO (3 PM)
The Bears defense has gone from fearsome a few months ago, to positively cuddly in the last few weeks. I knew they were in big trouble when they allowed a 99-yard TD drive against the lowly Rams late in the regular season. Now, the NFLâ??s #1 offense rolls into town with dominating, big-play guys at nearly every position: Brees can throw short or long, McAllister can pound the ball, Bush is a danger wherever he lines up, Colston is a towering moose who has tight-end size and wide receiver speed.

On the other hand the Bears have â?¦ Urlacher. And a quarterback who is either adequate or dreadful, depending on the day of the week. They also have Thomas Jones, a solid, if unspectacular RB. And oh yeah â?? Urlacher. And Devin Hester as a KR/PR. Scary? Nope.

I donâ??t want to hear about dome teams, or â??Bears weather.â?? The way the Chicago D is playing, theyâ??ll be lucky to stuff one Saints drive out of three. The Saints secondary showed that itâ??s exploitable against the Eagles, but Grossman wonâ??t be able to do it often enough to keep pace.

The Sixth Sign of the Apocalypse is nigh: the Saints are going to the Super Bowl.

Saints 33, Bears 13

NEW ENGLAND @ INDIANAPOLIS (6 PM)
You canâ??t ever count out Tom Brady or the Pats. But I’m about to. I can sit here and try to make a real solid argument for this pick, but so much of it is just pure gut feeling: the Colts are going to win. There are too many freaky storylines and events that are coming together in strange ways â?¦ before the playoffs started, no one would have thought that an Indy-New England match-up would even happen, but now the Colts actually host a playoff game after winning in the Wild Card round on the road â?? I canâ??t even remember the last time thatâ??s happened in NFL history. The Colts finally get to face their nemesis on their terms, at home. There are no more excuses for the Colts. But they won’t need them, anyway.
This match-up just has that perfect ironic symmetry. Of all of the great Colts teams in the last four years, this one is the worst. No record-setting by Peyton Manning. No Edgerrin James. Wonâ??t it be odd that this mess of a crew â?? a team that lost to the lowly Texans â?? will be the Colts team that finally gets over the hump?

And what about the mojo of the possible (probable, if you ask me) opponent in the Super Bowl? Is there a better way for Peyton to banish the ghosts of all of his failures in college and the pros, than for him to beat the Saints â?? his home town team, and the team that made his father famous â?? in the biggest game of his life?

Not good enough? You want real stats, real reasons? OK, here goes: the Pats will miss Rodney Harrison a lot more against the Colts than they did against the Chargers; Rivers is no Manning. The refs will be especially sensitive to pass interference, especially from the New England secondary, since Colts WRs were mugged so blatantly during the last playoff meeting between these teams that the NFL actually changed rules as a result; the Colts will get a couple of P.I. calls in their favor. And they probably wonâ??t deserve them.

Lastly, Peyton Manning has played poorly leading up to this game. He looks human, and fallible. Itâ??s all a set-up â?? on Sunday, heâ??s going to explode. Belichick will be ready for him, but for once, the brilliant scheming wonâ??t be enough. The Colts will have their Red Sox-over-Yankees moment this Sunday and beat New England on their way to Miami. It’s destiny.

Colts 27, Patriots 21

After doing exactly what was expected of them by extending Tom Coughlin’s contract last week, the New York Giants followed suit in that stolid, plodding New York Giants way by doing exactly what was expected of them with the position of general manager.

The job didn’t go to Patriots GM Scott Pioli, who didn’t even want to be interviewed. The job didn’t go to Bill Parcells, who nearly strangled someone when he was rumored to be even mildly interested in the job. Nor did the job go to Bill Belichick, Charlie Weiss’s special needs daughter, or the zombies of George Young or Vince Lombardi. The job went to a guy already inside the orgainization: Director of Player Personnel Jerry Reese.

Excuse me if I yawn.

The Giants are not a franchise known for edge-of-your-seat thrills, and this move is by no means a shock. This is the quintissential old school organization, and I would have been stunned had they trusted such a position to an unknown with no previous track record within the company. So the Maras and the Tisches aare sure to be comfortable. The fans? Not so much.

Reese has been the director of player personnel for four years, which means that he is at least partially to blame for the Giants’ long string of draft failures in recent NFL drafts. It’s likely that, since he started out as the team’s scout for the southeast region, Reese quite a lot to do with the innumerable bad player decisions that have been made.

I’m not talking about Eli Manning (though by this time next year, I just might be). I’m talking about the fact that the Giants haven’t had a decent linebacker since Jessie Armstead at the turn of the century. They even lucked into their current star linebacker Antonio Pierce, who came to the team as an undrafted free agent.

Ever hear of Tim Carter? If you’re not a Giants fan, you probably haven’t. Nor should you; he’s done nothing. And yet, wideout Tim Carter was a second round pick in 2002 and has only managed to become a spot starter who is notorious for a lack of production. Two spots later in the same round, the Chargers drafted Reche Caldwell. And the last selection in that same round was future Super Bowl MVP Deion Branch.
I can stomache the occasional draft prospect that doesn’t pan out. But with the Giants, this is an every year occurrence. Don’t believe me? Check out the Giants’ draft record in the past few years, paying special attention to the last four years — Reese’s watch. Chances are, you’ll be able to count the known players on one hand.

I’m sorry to say that I’m not expecting much from Reese. I think it’s a bad sign that one of his first statments as GM was that he wanted to try and lure Tiki Barber out of retirement; I think that Reese is intensely out of touch with the state of the team. It should be interesting to see how Reese handles the 2007 draft, especially since this year’s draft seems to be particularly light in the areas that the Giants need to address the most: linebackers, defensive backs, and running backs.

We’ll also learn a great deal about the man during free agency. If Reese makes a play for the 53-year-old knee injury known as Ahman Green, instead of the Charger’s running back Michael Turner I’m burning my Giants hat.

Reese wouldn’t have been my first choice to lead an organization that I think badly needs an infusion of new blood. He has a bad track record as a personnel director, and any similar failures he has at the GM level will have a longer lasting effect on the team than the short-term disasters that are sure to befall the hapless Coughlin in 2007. But the way the Giants do things, Reese is sure to be the GM well into the future regardless of performance.

So am I pulling for him? You better believe it.

You know what? Maybe Marty Schottenheimer should be fired. And not just because of dumb decisions like going for it on fourth and eleven late in the first quarter, or challenging an obvious fumble and wasting a time out. But because of what his players revealed about his coaching after the loss to the Patriots.

Martyâ??s players didn’t seem upset by the fact that they had blown a home playoff game that theyâ??d pretty much dominated. What were Martyâ??s players concerned with at the end of the worst home loss in the long, checkered, and mostly pathetic history of the Chargers franchise?

Dancing.

Ladanian Tomlinson and Philip Rivers were upset that some Patriots players were doing â??the dance that Shawne Merriman is known forâ?? on the Chargers helmet thatâ??s painted at midfield (want to hate Merriman even more? Check out his website.) They didnâ??t just sound whiny, they sounded like a bunch of high school kids who were going to hop in their cars and drive over to a rival school and wait for the other team in the parking lot after the dance. In short, they sounded like idiots.

Marty may have molded a 14-2 team, but it was a team that wasnâ??t mentally prepared to play in the pressure cooker of the NFL playoffs. The Chargers imploded with emotionally charged bad decisions like Drayton Florenceâ??s moronic head butt that kept a Pats scoring drive alive, and Marlon McCreeâ??s bone-headed run-back of a potentially game-clinching INT, which he subsequently fumbled away.

Perhaps the reason Marty Schottenheimer has such a pathetic postseason record is because heâ??s incapable of preparing his teams emotionally. While the Chargers were by far the better and more talented team on the field, they were beaten a collection of grizzled, unflappable playoff vets with antifreeze in their veins. No matter how dire the situation, Belichickâ??s boys just kept chugging along like robots.

When the Patriots started their final drive of the game, did anyone watching it doubt that they would score and win the game? Not me.

Itâ??s hard to believe that a coach with as much playoff experience as Schottenheimer hasnâ??t learned to keep his teams on an even keel. He should have been able to impart some knowledge about the playoffs to his inexperienced postseason team. Meanwhile, the Patriots were getting unexpectedly huge playoff production from no-names like Jabbar Gaffney. What does that say about the difference between Schottenheimer and Belichick as coaches?

Sunday’s comments by Tomlinson and Rivers speaks volumes about the Chargers’ state of mind. And donâ??t give me this crap about how it was â??the emotion of the moment.â?? These guys were still popping off about this “dancing incident” (by the way, if this was so egregious an act of disrespect, how come the the TV cameras never caught it?) after coming off the field, listening to their coaches, hitting the showers, getting dressed, and then taking turns to talk to the press after the game. The post-game press conferences happened nearly an hour after the dancing incident, and Chargers players were still stewing about it.

Nearly an hour later, and their still pissed about the guys jumping around at midfield on that eternal symbol of honor and sportsmanship â?? the Chargers helmet. Seriously â?? how high school is that?

â??I donâ??t like the way they handled winning,â?? Rivers said. Well boo-fucking-hoo. Let me get this straight: itâ??s OK for Merriman to dance around on the field and humiliate a the quarterback he just sacked, but the other way around â?¦ well, thatâ??s classless. Slight logic flaw there, guys.

Note to the Chargers: Grow up.

OVER(RATED) AND OUT: A TALE OF NFL SCHADENFREUDE
By late Saturday evening, the Benglish universe had been reset into its proper alignment, and Benglishâ??s world was once again able to spin happily on its fat little axis: the Eagles and the Ravens were out of the playoffs.

While I try to maintain some modicum of objectivity on this blog and in the AQB podcast, there are certain teams that I hate with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. And the Eagles and the Ravens are two such teams. I loathe the Ravens for trouncing my Giants in Super Bowl XXXV, and I hate the Eagles because â?¦ well, theyâ??re the Eagles.

But I should thank both the Eagles and the Ravens for doing me a favor this weekend and proving a couple of points Iâ??ve been trying to make for years: 1) Andy Reid is a crappy coach, and 2) Steve McNair is an overrated quarterback.

Saturday nightâ??s loss completed Andy Reidâ??s fourth 1-1 playoff run. And while the big guy has done an admirable job in getting his team to the postseason over the years, I donâ??t believe heâ??ll ever get them over the top. Indeed, the 2006 season is his best year, leading what should have been a seven-win team to the Divisional Round of the playoffs.

I feel for Reid; the guyâ??s a Mormon, so he canâ??t even have a couple of badly needed drinks. But Iâ??m sorry to say that a lot of this is his fault. By now, weâ??ve all wondered why he elected to punt on fourth and fifteen after heâ??d gone for it on fourth and ten. Kind of a head-scratcher given that his exhausted defense was starting to give up massive chunks of yardage on every Deuce McAllister run. And thatâ??s what killed them; after punting it away, to the Saints, the Eagles never even got the ball back.

In the post-game press conference, Reid admitted that he wished heâ??d taken that last shot. Once again, bad play calling doomed the Eagles in a big spot. This has always been the case. One wonders if Eagles Nation will ever tire of this kind of crap. Reidâ??s 2006 season, though, has most assuredly guaranteed that heâ??ll be the Eagles coach for years to come. If I were a Philly fan, Iâ??d shoot myself now and skip all the suffering.

Meanwhile, the new offensive savior of the Ravens Steve McNair fell on his face in the home loss to the Colts. Iâ??m not going to say that McNair is a bad quarterback, but I will say heâ??s one of the more overrated quarterbacks out there. McNairâ??s Super Bowl appearance at the end of the 1999 season, and his co-MVP award with Peyton Manning in 2003 have managed to mask a lot of his averageness. This season, McNair completed his first 16-game season since 2002. In the interim have been many games where McNair has â??heroicallyâ?? played hurt and, consequently, cost his teams wins.

I donâ??t dislike McNair as a player, but heâ??s one over-hyped dude. I was not surprised when this better-than-average player wasnâ??t able to elevate a somewhat subpar Baltimore offensive unit in a big spot.

I would like to personally thank Steve McNair and Andy Reid for their major contributions to a Raven and Eagle-free playoff.

If you thought last week’s playoff show was special … well, you haven’t been listening to many podcasts. But the hits just keep on comin’ here at The Armchair Quarterbacks as the guys hit their playoff stride in Show #19. This week, you get a real flamethrower of an episode as Dino is forced to re-live the nightmare of the Dallas loss in Seattle, and the now-infamous flub by NFC Special Teams Player of the Year Tony Romo.

But the Wild Card Weekend was equally cruel to Benglish, and you’ll hear him squirm as he recaps the horrendously Giant-like Giants loss to the hated Philadelphia Eagles. As a bonus, you also get to hear him rationalize NYG’s decision to retain blow-hard underachiever Tom Coughlin. It is a bitter pill, to be sure, and Eagles fans will love every minute of it.

But that’s not all — you’ll also get the guys’ take on the rest of the latest NFL news, complete breakdowns of the less heartbreaking Wild Card match-ups, and an incredibly biased and angry look ahead to this weekend’s Divisional Playoff games. And of course, there’s lots of tasteless jokes, nasty comments and rude behavior. It’s everything you’ve ever wanted in an NFL podcast — and less! Download it! Delete it! But for the love of all that is holy, don’t let your wife or co-workers hear it! It’s Show #19 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

JIMMY THE WEAK: BENGLISH OFFERS MORE USELESS PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

I know you think I’m a pansy. In spite of the fact that I was 3-1 with my Wild Card Weekend predictions, none of those predictions were against the spread. And to the real degenerate gamblers out there, picking games without factoring in the betting line is akin to swaggering into a dive bar and ordering a Choclatini. So I have no illusions about my powers of predictions.

However, that’s not going to stop me from doing the exact same fairy-assed thing this week. I’m going to school you bastards on who’s going to win and why. If you’re smart, you’ll ignore every single one of these predictions — especially if you intend to lay some jack on the games. I’d say that these picks are “for entertainment purposes only,” but let’s be honest: nothing about this blog or podcast is even remotely entertaining.

INDIANAPOLIS @ BALTIMORE

There’s no doubt that Steve McNair has been a massive upgrade at quarterback for the Ravens. But let’s face it: this is like trading in your bike for a ‘98 Ford Taurus and calling it a massive upgrade. Before McNair rolled into town, the Ravens didn’t even have an NFL-caliber quarterback. Kyle Boller!? Sorry — doesn’t qualify. So the Ravens offense, which everyone seems to love talking about this week, is indeed adequate, but I disagree with the assumption that “this time, it’ll be the offense that wins it for Baltimore.” I just don’t buy it.

I don’t think that the Baltimore offense is capable of gashing the Indy D. They can wound it, but Jamal Lewis just isn’t that good any more, and I think that the Indy D can keep him in check. It comes down to Peyton Manning against the Ravens D. It’s a great match-up. A lot of people say it favors Baltimore. Not me. Manning had a “bad” game last weekend, going 30 of 38 with three picks and no scores. He’ll be better this weekend. If there’s any way the Colts offense can scratch their way to a 14-point lead, McNair and company won’t be able to keep up. Peyton wins it for Indy.

Colts 27, Ravens 17

PHILADELPHIA @ NEW ORLEANS

A lot of people are beating on poor Marty Schottenheimer this week. The poor guy is 0-2 as the #1 seed in the postseason. But there’s another guy who’ll be coaching this weekend who also has a record of underachievement in January, and that’s Andy Reid. In his eight-year tenure as the Eagles head coach, Reid is 8-5 in the playoffs (including last weekend) with one Super Bowl loss in the mix. That’s a lot of 1-1 playoff years, Andy. Unfortunately, four of the five losses have been in the NFC Championship Game or the Super Bowl. Doesn’t exactly speak well of Andy as a big game coach, does it?

The Eagles have won six straight, but they looked like they were running on fumes against the Giants last weekend. It’s never good to be in a dogfight with an 8-8 team, at home, in the playoffs … and then to have to win the game on a field goal. And while the Eagles are statistically the #2 offense in the NFC, they’ll be playing the #1 offense in the NFC on the road. Saints head coach Sean Payton’s record against Jimmy Johnson (Philly’s D coordinator) defenses is 7-3 — he knows how to attach a Johnson defense, having seen it for years while calling offenses for the Giants and the Cowboys.

Get ready to rock the FEMA trailers, Saints fans. New Orleans rolls in this one.

Saints 31, Eagles 20

SEATTLE @ CHICAGO

I’m not entirely sure that anyone really cares about this game. I know I’ll tune in to see how badly Rex Grossman screws it up. To be honest, I don’t know which team I trust less in this situation, Seattle or Chicago. Even Rex Grossman should be able to exploit the just-picked-him-up-off-the-street secondary of the Seahawks. But I don’t know. Something about Lovie Smith doesn’t seem right. I don’t like the way he’s handled the Grossman situation, and I get the feeling that this is a team that’s about to squander a 13-3 season because the coach was being loyal to his awful QB. I say Seattle plays one more week.

Seahawks 20, Bears 10

NEW ENGLAND @ SAN DIEGO

I’ve already expressed my sympathy for Marty Schottenheimer. But at least after this weekend, he can pal around with fellow member of the Big Game Loser Club Andy Reid. I know Tomlinson is Jim Brown, Gayle Sayers, and Walter Payton all rolled into one. I just think that if anyone can figure away to neutralize him, it’s Bill Belichick. The other big factor? The pitchers. Brady versus Rivers. Who do you like in this situation? Mr. Clutch Playoff Guy, or Mr. Hi, It’s My First Playoff Game? You don’t even have to think about it.

I don’t care if Harrison is out or not. If Brady is playing, Brady is winning.

Patriots 24, Chargers 20

It’s official: Coughlin will be back patrolling the sidelines for the Giants in 2007 — complete with all his trademark over-emotional gesticulations and apoplectic behavior. If only Eli could act like he cared in the same over-the-top, scenery-chewing manner.

Now, here’s the surprising part: I’m actually OK with this decision. Because if not Coughlin, then who? It’s not the Giants’ M.O. to go with the coordinator du jour, or some swaggering college coach; that won’t fly in NYC. Instead, the Giants will bide their time hoping that at the end of ‘07, the Cowhers, Weises, and Belichicks of the world are more open to being courted.

The downside of this for Giants fans is obvious: the 2007 season is doomed. It’s a total loss. I’m being optimistic when I say that a 6-10 record is what I expect. You can bet the team will split at the seams beginning with Shockey’s no-show at this May’s mini-camp (he’ll be down in Miami training with his boys from “The U”).

It remains to be seen what the Giants are going to do with their coordinators, and it’s likely that there will be a purge of Stalinist proportions in the ranks of the coaching staff. DC Tim Lewis probably has the best chance to survive. But how will Coughlin fare trying to put a staff together? In spite of his “contract extension,” you can bet that Coughlin would need to advance to at least the NFC Championship game next season to survive. What coach in his right mind would sign on to help steer an NFL Titanic?

The most intriguing part of today’s announcement is that while Coughlin’s extension was announced, the name of the next GM was not. This at least gives some credence to the rumors that Patriots GM Scott Pioli may still, in fact, be up for the job. Many sports writers thoerize that Pioli declined to interview for the Giants GM slot because it would be a distraction for his team while they’re in the middle of what could be another Super Bowl run. It’s a long shot if you ask me, but as a Giants fan, I’m praying that this is the case.

It’s more than likely, however that Jerry Reese is named as Ernie Accorsi’s replacement some time later this week.

So take heart Eagles, Redskins, and Cowboys fans: looks like the NFC East will be a three-team race in ‘07. The Giants appear to be happy to sit this one out.

Sunday’s playoff loss to the Eagles and the Giants’ 2006 season had a lot in common. The team started off OK. The defense played with fire. The offense clicked. Barber bolted through holes, Burress made big plays, Manning showed flashes of being an actual QB. Then the teams sank into a morass of bad tackling and self-destructive, self-imposed penalties. Eli failed to see wide-open receivers, or couldnâ??t hit anyone in stride. The team showed spark in the end, but was eventually doomed by bad tackling and a porous secondary. The 2006 season in a nutshell.
It was the end of an era for the Giants. For Tiki Barber, it was a quiet end to a spectacular career. For Tom Coughlin? Stay tuned.

Did the Eagles do the Giants a favor by beating them and starting the clock on the â??Coughlin Watch?â?? Perhaps not. Unfortunately for Giants fans, Big Blue may have played just well enough to save Coughlinâ??s job. It’s been rumored that as long as the Giants didnâ??t get embarrassed in the Eagles game, Coughlin could well be back.

From my point of view, it would be tough for the Giants front office to justify bringing back a lame-duck head coach in â??07. But hey, these are the nice folks that brought you the Ray Handley Era, so anything is possible.

If ever there was a time for a new Giants coach, it’s now. This year, the Giants not only need to find a new GM, but need to fill the cleats of the best running back in the franchiseâ??s 82-year history. Why not complete the trifecta and get a new coach, too?

Coughlinâ??s Giants have underachieved. Their pricey first-round quarterback has regressed (assuming, of course, that he has any talent in the first place. Coughlin came to New York preaching discipline and a return to pride. He has not delivered. Why let him waste 2007 in an era where teams can turn their fortunes around with lightning speed? Or do the Giants have an eye on Bill Cowher? Weâ??ll know in a couple of days.

As for the Eagles, it was hardly a statement win; they merely outlasted the Giants. The good news: Westbrookâ??s numbers were Barber like; The bad news: Garciaâ??s numbers were Manning like. It should be interesting to see how Philly fares when they finally play some stiff competition next Saturday night in New Orleans, rather than the mass of mediocrity (CAR, WAS, NYG, DAL, ATL) that spurred their â??red-hot runâ?? to the playoffs. The Saints arenâ??t the â??Aintsâ?? any more. And they sure ainâ??t the Giants.

BACK INTO A PUMPKIN: ROMOâ??S CINDERELLA SEASON HAS NIGHTMARE ENDING
To say that the Cowboys season ended ironically would be a gross understatement. I figured that, in some small way, Romo might contribute to a Dallas exit from the playoffs â?¦ but not like this. Only Stephen King could have dreamed up such a twisted ending.

But I didnâ??t feel bad for Romo; thatâ??s Carrie Underwoodâ??s job. The guy I really felt bad for was Parcells. He looked like a beaten man in more ways than one during the post-game press conference. Clearly, this loss aged him significantly. Before the game, Iâ??d figured that Parcells would be back with the Cowboys in â??07 win or lose â?¦ now Iâ??m not si sure. He had that â??I wish I was in Saratogaâ?? look about him.

Romo is young enough to bounce back from this. It looks like heâ??ll be the Cowboys QB for the foreseeable future, so he will have plenty of opportunities to bury this nightmare and to keep from becoming the Dallas version of Joe Pisarcik. But the off season will be a long and brutal one for the Dallas fans. But such is life in the wake of the fall of the Romo Empire.
KATRINA TRAGEDY HELPS SEAN PAYTON GARNER UNDESERVED HONOR
If the levies had never broken, Eric Mangini would have received the 2006 Coach-of-the-Year honors that he so richly deserves. But the AP sportswriters were too blinded by FEMA trailers to see the yearâ??s best coaching job, and the title went to New Orleans head coach Sean Payton.

Thereâ??s no better way to sum this up: itâ??s a bullshit call. And unbelievably, the voting wasnâ??t even close; Payton received 44 votes, and Mangini came in second with three. Three.

Letâ??s look at the facts:

Payton had Drew Brees at quarterback. Brees had come off a pro bowl season with the Chargers, and had thrown for 3,500+ yards, and 24 TDs in 2005.

Mangini started the season with Chad Pennington, who was coming off a second shoulder surgery to his already weak throwing arm. (Brees too had undergone surgery during the off-season for a partially torn rotator cuff on his throwing shoulder).

At running back, Payton had a known quantity in Deuce McAllister, plus highly touted rookie first-rounder Reggie Bush (the second pick overall in the 2006 draft).

Mangini lost future hall-of-fame running back Curtis Martin to injury during the preseason. He made due throughout the 2006 season with underachieving journeyman Kevan Barlow, rookie Leon Washington, and second year man Cedric Houston.

While both teams had improbable seasons this year, thereâ??s no question that Mangini had less to work with than Payton. Payton had the advantage of coaching for the team that everyone in the media is dying to turn into the feel good story of the 2006 season. And they want this storyline so badly that they ignored the facts.

If the voting had been closer than 44 to three, you might be able to convince me that the AP sportswriters had thought this thing through. Instead, they saw a decent season being strung together by the team from Tragedy Town, and voted with their bleeding hearts instead of with their considerably small brains.

Eric Mangini of the New York Jets is, hands-down, the 2006 NFL Coach of the Year. You can take that to the bank, and cash it with your FEMA check.

Later that day, youâ??re in a conference room with everyone from your department â?? including your boss and the owner of your current company. During a lull in the conversation, your idiot buddy says, â??Hey, I heard that XYZ company called to offer you a job at twice your current salary â?? you think youâ??re gonna take it?â?? Everyone â?? including your boss and the owner of your current company â?? stops talking and turns to hear your response.

Are you going to announce to everyone who currently controls your financial destiny that youâ??re willing to jump ship before you know youâ??ve got this new job? Or are you going to lie and tell everyone at the table that youâ??re not interested in the new job with the rival company?

You bet your ass youâ??re going to lie.

This is exactly the situation that Nick Saban, the now former head coach of the Miami Dolphins, found himself in a couple of weeks ago. Rumors were circulating that the University of Alabama was going to offer Saban a big contract. Saban was repeatedly asked at press conferences whether he was going to take the Alabama job. And, probably because his attorney was not yet finished hammering out the details of a contract with Alabama, Saban flatly the rumors on national TV until the deal was final. “I will not be the Alabama head coach,” he said.

Now Saban is being vilified as a â??liarâ?? by most of sports talk radio. Driving to and from work over the last couple of days, Iâ??ve repeatedly heard Saban being slammed for “lack of integrity.” The worst attack came from that overrated, shriveled simpleton Don Shula. â??There were four or five statements that were balatant lies. That tells you a bit about the guy,â?? Shula said. Hey Don, are you defending the honor of your beloved Dolphins, or just talking shit about the guy who took your sonâ??s job? (By the way, your boy Mike could only manage a 6-7 season this year, so Iâ??m thinking he deserved to be whacked.)

Whether you work at a large company or a mom-and-pop operation, the concept of loyalty in business is an antiquated one. While most employers expect their staff to run through walls on behalf of the company, those same employers will fire those same staffers without hesitation the moment those staffers are deemed to be dead weight by the company. In the NFL, itâ??s the exact same way. How â??loyalâ?? would the Dolphins organization have been to Saban if heâ??d won just three games in the â??07 season?

Nick Saban is the perfect model for how you should run your career in corporate America in the 21st century â?? always look out for your own interests first, because at the end of the day, the company sees you as disposable. Sabanâ??s decision isnâ??t about a lack of integrity, or bad morals, or dishonesty. Sabanâ??s decision was about money, and making the right decisions for your family.

No one has accused Saban of “not trying” while he was the head coach at Miami (though personally, I canâ??t see why the Dolphins or their fans would be so broken up that the guy is leaving â?? Sabanâ??s Dolphins teams were big-time underachievers, and the Culpepper for Brees decision over the off-season could haunt the franchise for years). So itâ??s patently unfair to attack the manâ??s character simply because he took another job. And donâ??t give me that crap about â??itâ??s because he lied about taking the job;â?? Iâ??ve already illustrated why he had to â??lie.â?? In Atlanta, Jim Mora basically lost his job because he was forthright about being interested in taking a hypothetical college job, and no one in the media seems to have a problem with that. What was Saban supposed to say?

Itâ??s particularly offensive for members of the sports media to attack Saban for this situation, because this situation was created by the sports media. They were the ones who continually badgered Saban to respond to the rumors about the Alabama job. Had he responded to these questions with cliches like â??no commentâ?? or â??Iâ??m only worried about our next game,â?? would that have ended the sports mediaâ??s rampant speculation? Donâ??t bet on it. The sports media forced Saban into a corner. And now, theyâ??re kicking him for wanting to switch jobs. It’s sickening.

The personal attacks on Saban have to stop. Heâ??s not a bad guy â?? heâ??s a guy like you and me who made the right call and took the better paying, more stable job at a place where he had what he believes is a better chance to succeed professionally. Thatâ??s something that every single working man and woman in America hope they get the chance to do in todayâ??s hyper-competitive business environment. And anyone who has ever gotten corporate Americaâ??s version of â??the coach wants to see you, and bring your playbookâ?? knows exactly what Iâ??m talking about.

Roll Tide, Nick.

STUPIDEST PLAYOFF STAT BEING KICKED AROUND THIS WEEK
At no time during the NFL season do you hear more utterly absurd stats than during the playoffs. Sports talk hosts get their producers to dig deep to dredge up stats that help support their picks. And this week, Randy Cross on Sirius NFL Radio has repeatedly trotted out the most retarded stat youâ??ll ever hear.

Randy is convinced that the Patriots will beat the Jets in the Wild Card game at Gillette Stadium this Sunday. And one of the reasons he sites for this pick is the Patsâ?? home record in the playoffs. â??The Pats havenâ??t lost a playoff game at home since 1978,â?? he says.

On the surface this seems like a very impressive stat, doesnâ??t it? It makes you think, â??man, Foxboro is a tough place to play.â?? And then you think about it for a minute, and you realize that until the mid â??90s, THE PATRIOTS WERE RARELY IN THE PLAYOFFS AT ALL. From 1978 to 1997, the Patriots only played three home playoff games. Winning three games over 19 years doesnâ??t exactly establish a fortress-like home field playoff advantage.

The â??85 Patriots team that made it to the Super Bowl played every one of their postseason games on the road. Between 1994 and 1997, the Bill Parcells coached Patriots played three of their five playoff games at home, and won all three.

Even in the Belichick â??dynastyâ?? era, the Pats only had the AFCâ??s #1 seed in the 2003 playoffs, which gave them two home playoff games. In both the 2001 and 2004 playoffs, New England played at home only once.

While I have to agree in principal that New England is a tough place to have to play in the postseason â?? especially in the past five years â?? I think Randy Cross needs to calm down with the grandiose statements about New England being â??undefeated at home in the postseason since â??78.â?? Itâ??s kinda like saying the Germans are undefeated in world wars since 1945.

BENGLISH’S WILD CARD WEEKEND PREDICTIONS
During the first round of the playoffs, you hear a lot of talk about all 16 teams having a â??fresh startâ?? because, now that the postseason is here, â??everyone is 0-0.â?? Well, to paraphrase George Orwellâ??s ANIMAL FARM, Iâ??d like to remind you that while itâ??s true that all these teams are 0-0, some are more 0-0 than others. Think the Giants can make a run? Putting your money on the Chiefs? Good luck with that.

KANSAS CITY @ INDIANAPOLIS
Itâ??s not excruciating enough for the Colts to lose in the first round; they need to get much closer to the title game so they can really amp up the pain for their fans. Peyton and company will shellack Herm, LJ or no LJ.
Colts 38, Chiefs 17

DALLAS @ SEATTLE
On paper, neither team should be able to stop the other teamâ??s passing game. Hasslebeck is the better QB, but Iâ??ll take Glenn, T.O., and Witten over Deion Branch and a hobbled Darryl Jackson any day of the week. Seattles â??12th Manâ?? will be headed for the sushi concession by the third quarter. Dallas gets to play one more pointless week.
Cowboys 31, Seahawks 27

NEW YORK JETS @ NEW ENGLAND
Has the student become the master? Maybe some day, but not this weekend. Manginiâ??s done an amazing job to get this far with the collection of oldsters, reclamation projects, and third-stringers that heâ??s inherited. Once he gets the chance to build this team, heâ??ll be winning in New England all the time. I would say Bill would get the last laugh, but the humorless prick doesnâ??t even smile. So he just gets the win. Be he wipes his ass with his hand before the end-of-game handshake.
Patrots 24, Jets 13

NEW YORK GIANTS @ PHILADELPHIA
No defense, no passing game, no chance. Giants need a classic Tiki 200+ yard day have a shot at getting past the streaking (yet wildly overrated) Eagles. Garcia will make short work of a porous NYG secondary thatâ??s been shredded for the last two months. As much as Iâ??d like to see the Giants win, I know that a loss brings a more important victory: Couglinâ??s ouster and, hopefully, the arrival of Charlie Weis. For the Eagles, the win will secure a contract extension for the hapless Reid, who will go on the frustrate the franchise with near-miss seasons for the next 10 years. Have fun with that, Philly.
Eagles 28, Giants 16

Benglish discusses the leagueâ??s most undeserving playoff team, the New York Football Giantsâ??, and the teamsâ?? ill-timed (and ultimately futile) win against the Redskins that backed them into the NFCâ??s final Wild Card berth. Dino gives voice to an agitated Cowboy Nation as he describes the brutal loss to Detroit, and Dallasâ??s pathetic free-fall into the NFLâ??s â??second season.â??

You get all this, plus lots of tasteless commentary on the Darrent Williams tragedy, the weekly Peter King Cockpunchâ?¢, a breakdown all the league’s coaching hot seats, and a look ahead to which teams have the best chance to survive Wild Card Weekend. Itâ??s all here right here on the most offensive, least-heard, and funniest NFL podcast on the internet. Itâ??s Show #18 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

This week, you’ll hear Dino practically push the Cowboys bandwagon off a cliff as he packs it in on the ‘Boys after the brutal Christmas day loss to the Eagles. And yet again, he’ll shrug off T.O.’s latest postgame foolishness as run-of-the-mill “bat-shit craziness.” But wait — there’s more! AQB’s Dallas-centric Romo-Mania continues as you’ll hear exclusive audio of a sexy, private phone conversation between Dallas QB Tony Romo and his new paramour, American Idol winner and country crooner Carrie Underwood.

The comical end to the New York Giants season is also covered in painful detail. Benglish brings you up to speed on the latest (and most baseless) rumors on who will replace Tom Coughlin after the Giants inevitable loss to the Redskins on Saturday night. And you’ll hear why CNNSI.com’s NFL columnist Peter King will get his 537th Cockpunchâ?¢.

You get all this — plus our latest (and possibly most hilarious) Web Envy segment, a review of last week’s games, and a look ahead to the thrilling conclusion to what’s easily been the most freakish NFL season in recent memory. It’s all right here — totally free, and mostly ignored — on the funniest NFL podcast ever heard by less than 40 people a week worldwide! It’s the balls-to-the-wall throwdown that is episode #17 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

But not you guys. Youâ??ve been very, very good this year. So weâ??re going to give you what you’ve been praying for since August — one week off from The Armchair Quarterbacks podcast. We really wanted to get a show out before Christmas, but work just got too nutty. Also, no one involved with the production of the show has been sober at any point during this week.

Unfortunately, AQB will be back next week with a special holiday episode crammed with our views on the Christmas weekend games. In the meantime, best wishes to all of our fans for a safe and happy holiday season. As always, thanks for listening and checking us out online. Please accept this blog entry as a meaningless and poorly written token of our esteem.

HE AINâ??T HEAVY, HEâ??S MY BROTHER â?¦ AND HEâ??S A MUCH BETTER QUARTERBACK THAN ME.
â??Why canâ??t you be more like your older brother?â??

Iâ??m sure Eli Manning heard this phrase more than once as a kid. Sorry, Eli â?? but itâ??s time you heard it again.

Watching Monday nightâ??s Colts win over the Bengals, I was impressed as usual by the older Manning brotherâ??s approach to the game. He is the epitome of the â??field general.â?? He yells at his linemen. Heâ??s visibly upset with himself when he makes a bad throw. When heâ??s on the sidelines, he doesnâ??t stand there sipping Gatorade â?? heâ??s poring over pictures of defensive sets, conferring with his receivers, talking with coaches. The guyâ??s one of the all-time greats because heâ??s consumed by the job of being an NFL quarterback. And heâ??s obviously a perfectionist.

As for Eli â?¦ well, they donâ??t call him â??Easy Eâ?? because he looks like he was in N.W.A. back in the Compton days. Eli has the vacant stare of an emotionless zombie. He doesnâ??t look irate when he throws an interception; just mildly annoyed. Or, more often, he has that slack-jawed â??what-just-happened?â?? look. Of course, Eli throws a lot of interceptions, so maybe heâ??s just become inured to them. On the sidelines, Eli sits. Eli stares. Eli looks as though heâ??s a million miles away â?¦ and the way the Giants have played lately, who can blame him? It’s not like the games are particularly compelling to watch, even if you happen to be playing in them.

Iâ??m getting a bad feeling about this guy. Eli hasnâ??t yet entered the great pantheon of NY Giants first-round busts â?¦ but heâ??s knocking on the door. When New York dealt away Philip Rivers for Manning on draft day in 2004, I know I wasnâ??t the only Giants fan with visions of Peyton dancing in my head. I remember that the rumor about Eli coming out of Ole Miss was that he was, potentially, even better than Peyton â?? a premise that seems laughably wide of the mark now.

Indeed, Giants fans have had to settle for three seasons of somewhat adequate quarterback play, illuminated by the occasional flash of competence. Right now, Eli looks more like a first-round pick late in his first season than a veteran starter coming to the end of his third campaign. I donâ??t know enough about quarterback play to critique Eliâ??s mechanics (although in Sundayâ??s loss to the Eagles, the coffin-nail INT was a result of Eli bouncing a screen pass off the helmet of a six-foot tall defensive end who didnâ??t even have his hands up to block the pass). But his inability to read defenses, or to go through his progressions correctly seems apparent. In the last three weeks, Heâ??s clearly ignored easy throws to wide-open receivers, many of which have led to scores â?? much to the very vocal chagrin of Plaxico Burress and Jeremy Shockey.

At the very least, Eli Manning is likely to get a new quarterbacks coach and a new offensive coordinator (unfortunately, it appears that Coughlin will keep his job) for the â??07 season as the Giants begin the post-Tiki era. The Giants will be rebuilding, so heâ??ll get at least one more season to prove he was worth all those draft picks. I have to say that right now, Iâ??ll be shocked if he pulls it off.

Are the underachieving Giants all Eliâ??s fault? Hardly. The Giants defense is porous and inept, and the injury-riddled defensive line and linebacking corps isn’t there to bail them out. So itâ??s hard to hang all of Big Blueâ??s woes on Eli. There have been some bad breaks for the Giants this season, both literally and figuratively.

But on Monday night, Eliâ??s big brother faced adversity, too. The week before, the Colts had been blown off the field by the Jaguars. The Indianapolis defense had been gashed for a hideous 375 rushing yards, and the resurgent Bengals were coming to town. The Coltsâ?? grip on the AFCâ??s #2 seed seemed to be slipping away.

Eliâ??s brother responded. Eliâ??s brother took control of the situation. Eliâ??s brother threw four TD passes, and lifted his entire teamâ??s level of play. Eliâ??s brother played like a leader. Eliâ??s brother played like a #1 draft pick.

By now, Giants fans have accepted that Eli will never be Peyton. I think most Giants fan would be happy if Eli could just be half as good as Peyton. So when I ask Eli, â??Why canâ??t you be more like your big brother?â?? Iâ??m not expecting him to actually achieve such an incredibly high standard of excellence. But it would be nice if he could at least seem like he’s trying to.

N.F.C.: â??NO FUCKING CHANCE.â??
Nothing typifies how weak the NFC is better than the fact that the 7-7 Giants â?? losers of five of their last six games â?? actually have a grasp (tenuous though it may be) on the conferenceâ??s final wild card slot.

Am I the only one who finds this hilarious? The New York papers are actually writing stories about the Giantsâ?? playoff scenarios â?¦ all of which assume the Giants will beat New Orleans this weekend.

Hold on â?? let me take a break and finish laughing about that â?? itâ??s a good one â?¦ There. I feel better now. Let me continue.

No one who is sane and watches football thinks that the Giants have even the slightest chance of beating the Saints this weekend. Of course, if the season ended today, the Giants would be in the playoffs. Unfortunately for the Giants, there are two more games on the schedule. And I expect the Giants to lose them both.

The NFC has more pretenders than a room full of female impersonators dressed as Chrissie Hynde. The apparent â??bestâ?? team in the conference (record wise, anyway) is the 12-2 Bears, who were only able to clinch the #1 seed by beating the lowly Bucs in overtime â?¦ after blowing a 24-10 fourth quarter lead. At home.

The Saints? Yeah, they looked pretty tough against the Cowboys â?¦ and then they got beat at home. By the Redskins.

But wait, you say â?? thereâ??s the mighty Cowboys. They have the sure-to-be-Canton-bound phenom Tony Romo at the helm. But they also have a defense thatâ??s given up nine touchdowns in the last eight quarters of football â?? four of those TDs were thrown by Michael Vick.

And what about Philly? Theyâ??re on a three-game winning streak! Oh, wait â?¦ they beat the Panthers, the Redskins, and the Giants. Gee, thatâ??s â?¦ impressive?

Nope. Time to face facts. The NFC representative in the Super Bowl â?? whoever it is â?? is destined to get a merciless beat-down from the AFC squad â?? whoever it is. If â??NFCâ?? stands for anything this season, itâ??s â??No Fucking Chance.â??

Itâ??s just like when the NFC used to slaughter the AFC every January back in the 80s. The same thing has been happening for the bulk of the 21st century, only in reverse. Only this time, the AFC is on top … and luckily we donâ??t have to listen to Culture Club while it happens.

I actually feel sorry for the winner of the NFC Championship game in January â?? theyâ??re going to get horribly embarrassed in front of the whole planet. Hey, maybe I should start pulling for the Cowboys …

MARCHING PENGUINS TURN
KINGâ??S BRAIN TO MUSH
NFL writer Peter King of SI.com has taken an inordinate number of beatings from AQB, both on our podcast and here on the blog. It all started with his rampant, and totally uncritical praise of everything that Dallas QB Tony Romo has done â?? or not done â?? over the past two months. And to be frank, the guy deserves a break. But heâ??s not going to get one this week.

There is now proof that all of Kingâ??s Romo talk has dangerously softened the manâ??s brain, and it was published in weekâ??s edition of King’s Monday Morning Quarterback column. Toward the end of each of these columns, King lists what he calls his â??non-football thoughts of the week.â?? This weekâ??s non-football thought included this gem:

â??Finally saw March of the Penguins. Can’t believe I avoided it all these months. A terrific movie. Those penguins are heroes, as are the French filmmakers who risked their lives to tell their story.â??

â??Those penguins are heroes,â?? Pete? â??THOSE PENGUINS ARE HEROES!?â?? This has to be the most completely idiotic sentence ever strung together in the history of the English language. Itâ??s the kind of statement that makes King’s Romo coverage seem objective and erudite.

A collection of flightless arctic birds exhibiting genetically in-bred migratory behavior is not heroic. The guys that jumped off the landing craft at Omaha Beach were heroic. The service men and women in Iraq and Afghanistan are heroic. Penguins are fucking birds, Peter. Birds that can’t even fly. They don’t have opposable thumbs, they’ve never cured a disease, they’ve never built a road, or a hospital, or a university. They’re lucky they don’t taste good, or we’d be slaughtering their “heroic” asses by the millions.

Heroic penguins? Seriously, Pete: Get back on the meds before you fire up the laptop and start your next column.

In this thrilling 16th installment, youâ??ll hear Dinoâ??s heart break as he re-lives the Cowboysâ?? demoralizing rout at the hands of the resurgent Saints. Donâ??t worry: Benglish takes the opportunity to slather some Romo hate into Dinoâ??s open wounds!

Youâ??ll also get the guysâ?? take on the kaleidoscope of playoff possibilities in the NFC East — and Benglish doesnâ??t favor who you’d think. Plus, youâ??ll hear an ad from the podcastâ??s newest sponsor, and exclusive audio of a dangerous liason between Dallas QB Tony Romo and his biggest fan, Sports Illustrated NFL columnist Peter King.

Get ready for football laughs served up with a heaping portion of bad taste. Itâ??s the only NFL podcast thatâ??s completely devoid of seasonal holiday cheer â?? itâ??s episode #16 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

I actually feel bad for Romo. One minute, his bandwagon is clattering down the road stuffed full of every sports writer in the country (Peter King took up the most space). Then one bad game and â?? poof! â?? he checks his rearview and sees nothing but a big, empty expanse of Corinthian leather.

Romoâ??s seeming fall from grace is just as absurd as his meteoric ascent; while he didnâ??t play well against New Orleans, it wasnâ??t him on the field giving up 42 points to Drew Brees and company. In retrospect, maybe this bump on Romoâ??s road to Canton wasnâ??t such a big surprise. After all, Romo had the benefit of beginning life as an NFL starter against defensively suspect teams like Carolina, Arizona, Tampa Bay, Indianapolis, and the Giants. On Sunday night, Romo faced a Saints defense that was fourth in the league against the pass.

Thatâ??s when things got messy. Romo threw two INTs, and I counted at least three other INTs that were dropped or went through the hands of the Saints defense (one of which ricocheted off a defenderâ??s chest and into Terrell Owens grasp for an inadvertent TD pass). It wasnâ??t good night for Romo. But this was the first quasi-decent defense the guy has faced.

I understand when fans get carried away with a playerâ??s success, but whatâ??s bothered me so much about Romo-Mania is that the sports media are (or at least were) equally smitten to the point of not being completely uncritical of all that Romo did. And no writer did more to heap praise on Romoâ??s every play than Sports Illustratedâ??s Peter King (see related story below).

Until this week, that is. Now, you canâ??t find any positive Romo news â?¦ hell, you canâ??t find any Romo news. Granted, this is the immediate aftermath of a brutal Cowboys loss. Cooler heads are sure to prevail. Bill Parcells will have the Cowboys whipped into a frenzy for this Saturdayâ??s game against the Falcons. And all Romo needs to do is throw one TD pass against Atlanta this weekend and the Romo circus will be back in town. Peter King will be clambering over his empty Starbucks cups to get back on the Romo bandwagon and calling â??shotgun.â?? Let this be one week of calm before yet another Romo storm.

FANTASY FOOTBALL “EXPERTS” BOOT BENGLISH FROM THE PLAYOFFS
We don’t do a lot of fantasy football stuff at AQB. But I’m ticked off and I need to rant. Last Sunday, my one surviving fantasy football team bit the dust in round one of the playoffs this weekend. In spite of the fact that I started The Greatest Running Back on the Planet, Ladainian Tomlinson, I managed to lose the game by the score of 71-70: one lousy point. It was a fitting end to what has been a heinous fantasy season.

But I refuse to take all of the blame for this loss. There are several people that conspired against me to cost me the game. The first is Chargers fullback Lorenzo Neal, who chose to score his first touchdown in about 21 years this weekend. It was a one-yard plunge into the end zone on a trick play. And of course the Chargers needed to run a trick play to score from the one against Denver. After all, it’s not like the Chargers have The Greatest Running Back on the Planet in their backfield. And itâ??s not like The Greatest Running Back on the Planet wasnâ??t trying to break the single-season rushing touchdown record during that game. So what the hell? Give the ball to the fullback.

I also blame the internet-wide cabal of fantasy football â??experts,â?? all of whom said that running back Clatrick Fason would start for Vikings in place of the injured Chester Taylor last Sunday.

If youâ??re wondering who Ciatrick Fason is, youâ??re not alone. Iâ??m not entirely sure that the Minnesota coaching staff is even aware heâ??s on the Vikings roster. Because it was Artrose Pinner â?? another no-name back â?? that got the start on Sunday, not Fason. And Pinner scored two touchdowns against Detroit. And if the experts had informed me that Pinner was to start, I would have picked up Pinner, not Fason to fill in for my other injured back Laurence Maroney. And Pinnerâ??s two touchdowns would have won me my game.

But both of the â??expertâ?? fantasy sites that I pay to consult â?? thehuddle.com and ESPN.com â?? told me that Ciatrick Fason would be the starter. And foolishly, I believed them.

So Iâ??d like to publicly thank thehuddle.com and ESPN.com for misinforming me in this way. After all, it was only Week 14 of the NFL season â?? the first week of the playoffs in most fantasy football leagues. Itâ??s not like thatâ??s a particularly important time to have accurate information about who will be starting at running back for an NFL team. Iâ??m still glad that Iâ??ve already fronted them my money for all of their help this season. Theyâ??ve really done a bang-up job.

Now do your best to wipe the sarcasm off you and read on.

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED COLUMNIST INJURED FALLING OFF ROMO BANDWAGON
That deafening thud you heard on Monday morning was the sound of Sports Illustrated columnist Peter King falling off the Tony Romo bandwagon. From the Richter scale readings, Iâ??d say it was a hell of a drop.

After a seemingly endless string of nauseating Romo worship during King’s various TV appearances and in his online columns, Kingâ??s personal Romo-Mania came to a screeching halt after Romo’s catastrophically bad performance against the Saints on Sunday night. I counted just two lonely Tony Romo referenceâ??s in Kingâ??s Monday Morning Quarterback column at CNNSI.com:

(1) â??The (Saints) defense undressed Tony Romo.â??

(2) â??Stop the presses: Tony Romo completed four passes in the first half of a football game.â??

What a difference a week makes, huh Pete? Just days before, Kingâ??s most egregious act of Tony Romo ball licking appeared in his weekly Peter Kingâ??s Picks column. He wrote that the Cowboys would come out on top, 27-21, and then added:

â??I am positive that at some point in the second half, former Dallas offensive coordinator Sean Payton will look at Tony Romo and say to a trusted aide: â??I taught this kid too well.â??â??

Wow. Have you ever read a bigger suck job? Iâ??m positive Sean Payton made a comment about Romo at some point in the second half of Sunday nightâ??s game â?¦ but he was laughing when he said it.

I hope King learns a lesson now that his long string of Teen Beat-style paeons to Romo have backfired somewhat. Maybe now King can stop penning love notes and get back to writing about the NFL. I expect a critical and unbiased view of the NFL from sportswriters like King. I suppose I’ve set my expectations too high.

MORE NEGATIVITY ABOUT THE GIANTS FROM A GIANTS FAN
It took a quarterback to turn the New York Giants season around. Unfortunately for the Giants, that quarterback wasn’t Eli Manning; it was Chris Weinke of the Carolina Panthers.

Last Sunday, Weinkeâ??s shockingly bad quarterback play helped propel the Giants to a lackluster 27-13 win over the Panthers, temporarily halting NYGâ??s free fall into oblivion. And I mean temporarily.

Oh sure, there are Big Blue fans out there who will insist that I am a bad fan. That I should take heart that the Giants seem to be righting their ship, and could be getting hot just in time for a playoff push. And itâ??s to those fans that I say: were you watching the same game I was?

Chris Weinke had a horrible day, it’s true. And yet Weinke â?? the octogenarian backup QB with one of the worst cases of male-pattern-baldness in the NFL â?? managed to throw for 423 yards against the Giants secondary. This does not bode well for the Giants playoff chances; other than Rex Grossman, the Giants are likely to face some good quarterbacks should they slip into the playoffs.

And the playoffs are nowhere near a foregone conclusion. The Giants face the Eagles and the suddenly hot Jeff Garcia at home this weekend; itâ??s the third huge game the Giants will have played in as many weeks. The following week, New Orleans rolls into the Meadowlands â?¦ I wonder how that NYG secondary will do against Drew Brees? That leaves the final week of the season when the Giants will go on the road to face the division rival Redskins. By then, that will likely be a must-win game for the Giants to get to 9-7 and into the playoffs. I’m guessing that the Redskins would love close their disappointing season by getting a win over their divsion rival in front of a home crowd. A win that will be even sweeter if it denys the Giants a playoff berth. I’m guessing the ‘Skins will be ready.

In recent years, Giants teams have not responded well to this kind of big-game pressure, and I haven’t seen much from the 2006 team that makes me think they will fare well under these circumstances.

I say the Giants finish 8-8 and are home for the playoffs. You heard it here first.

PHRASES THAT SHOULD BE REMOVED FROM THE SPORTS LEXICON IMMEDIATELY
Here are some NFL terms that Iâ??ve grown tired of hearing in the last few weeks:

â??OUTCOACHEDâ??
Itâ??s one things for players to say a team is â??outcoached.â?? Or for coaches to say that they have been â??outcoached.â?? What the hell does â??outcoachedâ?? mean? How do you guage when a team has been â??outcoached?â?? I really hate when fans â?? the majority of whom know next to nothing about coaching â?? determine from watching a game or reading a box score that the a particular team was â??outcoached.â?? Everyone is saying â??outcoachedâ?? these days, and itâ??s one of those sports clichés that seem to be utterly devoid of any real meaning.

â??ME PERSONALLYâ??
This is one of the more irritating redundancies that seems peculiar to NFL players. Players are always asked to talk about themselves, and seem to feel the need to clear up exactly whom theyâ??re referring to when they say â??me.â?? I’m tired of it. But that’s me … personally.

“LINSFRANC INJURY”
Is there a fruitier-sounding injury in the NFL? This is the one instance where the name of the ailment is more debilitating than the actual injury. It has that prissy, French-looking spelling, and itâ??s hard to say without sounding moronic or pretentious (or both); itâ??s a lot like trying to pronounce â??Cannes.â?? The NFLPA should appear to the American Medical Association to try and get â??Lisfranc Injuryâ?? renamed to â??Vicious Badger Injury;â?? at the very least, it would sound a lot cooler.

CHARGERS FANS SHOULD EMBRACE THE COLOR OF SUCCESS
The San Diego Chargers seem to be hurtling toward a date with a Super Bowl Championship in Miami this February. This is not an easy thing for me to write as a Giants fan; I donâ??t want to spend the two weeks between Championship Sunday and Super Bowl Sunday listening to every sports media outlet on the planet reiterating how the Giants got taken to the cleaners in the Rivers-Manning trade on Draft Day in 2004.

But the Chargers have that â??look.â?? And while Rivers has played well, it sure doesnâ??t hurt that heâ??s handing the ball off to a running back who appears to be Jim Brown, Walter Payton, Emmitt Smith, and Barry Sanders all rolled into one. Antonio Gates? Well, he doesnâ??t suck either.

The golden era of the San Diego Chargers is right now. San Diegot fans should revel in it. Ladanian Tomlinson will set a single-season rushing TD record this season that could last longer than Roger Marisâ??s 61-home run season lasted in baseball.

Marty Schottenheimer became choked up as he talked with the press about about Tomlinson setting the record. I donâ??t blame him â?? it seems this Tomlinson kid is going to get Marty the Super Bowl ring thatâ??s eluded him for so long.

And I couldnâ??t help but notice what Tomlinson was wearing when he set the record: a dark blue San Diego home jersey. Not the prissy powder blue jersey of the Lance Allworth era when, I’ll remind you, the Chargers won nothing.

Get with it San Diego: navy blue is the color of your teamâ??s best years. Ditch the powder blue crap and live in the now.

Youâ??ll also get the guysâ?? take on the log-jam of mediocrity in the NFC, and of course the final word on the Giants fourth-straight loss at the hands of the sinister Cowboys. All this plus previews of this weekendâ??s match-ups and exclusive audio of Lovie Smithâ??s bizarre defense of comically inept Bears quarterback Rex Grossman.

Itâ??s the podcast thatâ??s even more hilarious than the New York Giantsâ?? play calling, and itâ??s only slightly less nauseating than Romo-mania! Itâ??s episode #15 of the most ignored NFL show on the internet â?? The Armchair Quarterbacks!

The time has come for me to face facts.

Itâ??s obviously not enough for me to recognize that Tony Romo is a solid QB whoâ??s having an unexpectedly huge breakout season. I need to give myself over to the Power of Romo. I need to praise him. The sports media is telling me to do this, and since thatâ??s all theyâ??re talking about these days, you and I would both be insane to fight it any longer. We all must be swept up in the tide.

I am now a Romo-sexual. Everyone else is, so what the hell?

And even though the Tony Romo bandwagon (or is it â??The Romo-bile?â??) is groaning under the weight of not only Cowboy fans, but every sportswriter in the nation. And letâ??s not forget the Cowboys fans who crawl out of the ground like 17-year locusts whenever the Cowboys get on a roll. Yes, the Romo-bile is packed tighter than a clown car, but I want on. Everyone is telling me this is the next big thing, and I donâ??t want to miss out.

This is like Kurt Warner all over again. But better! How do I know? Because right now, someone at CNNSI.com is writing a column that will explain how Romo is already better than Warner â?? even though the playoffs havenâ??t started.

Letâ??s face it: itâ??s Tony Romoâ??s world, and weâ??re all just living in it. In fact, I think Cowboy Nation should pass around the hat and scratch up enough coin to buy the nation of Romania and re-name it — what else? — Romo-Mania. And while theyâ??re at it, they should change the name of the capital from Bucharest to Canton. Could there be a more fitting name for the center of the Romo Empire? After all: who among us doesnâ??t believe that Tony will end up enshrined in that fabled city in the state of Romo-hio?

If youâ??re still a doubter as I once was, be warned. Donâ??t bother to call in to sports talk shows or speak your blasphemy to the Faithful (dare we call them Romo Catholics?). The sports media is full of Romo-Cops, who not only praise Romo with Romo-botic regularity, but do their best to bash the nonbelievers.

Indeed, we would not have Romo-Mania in full flower were it not for a writersâ?? movement. Letâ??s call these dilligent scribes the â??Romo-Mantics.â?? And the poet laureates of this movement are Sports Illustrated NFL writers, Peter King and Don Banks. Letâ??s see what Peter King said about Romo after last weekend’s game against the Giants:

â??Tony Romo’s 42-yard pass to Jason Witten to set up the winning Dallas field goal. A beautiful throw. Encapsulated everything Romo does well. Moved to the left to avoid pressure. Hustled out of the pocket, looking downfield all the while. Found Witten with a step on Will Demps. Delivered a perfect throw, in stride, with heat bearing down on him. I don’t know how you watch this game and not think Romo will be a great player for a while. I see no downside. None.â??

Nevermind that Romo completed this amazing feat against a porous Giants secondary that rookie Vince Young scorched for 24 unanswered points the week before. Forget that Romo was facing the leagueâ??s 23rd-ranked pass defense. This is Tony Romo weâ??re talking about here. Just give in to the Romo-mentum and get swept away!

Are you thinking that Romoâ??s stats were unimpressive in that game? That a would-be god should do better than 20 of 34 for 257 yards, 0 TDs and 2 INTs? Then youâ??re obviously a Judas; a fan with ulterior Romo-tives. CNNSI wordsmith Don Banks says â??pipe downâ?? about statistics â?¦ the infant god — the NFL baby Jesus — is just getting into his Romo-tion, and even more glorious miracles are on the horizon. Stuff that will make that water-into-wine stunt seem like dimestore chicanery.

Itâ??s not enough to be a common Romo-sapien, people. You have to realize that youâ??re watching greatness at its peak. That Tony Romo will be the Super Bowl MVP is a foregone conclusion; just sit back and bask in his reflected glory.

Romo is now. Romo is forever. Whatever the question, Romo is the answer. Dallas is Americaâ??s team, and Tony Romo is the worldâ??s quarterback. Be thankful that you have a home where even the buffalo Romo.

HOUSH ARE YOU?
Yet another Bengals player has run afoul of the law this week. This time, it was rookie WR Reggie McNeal, who was arrested in Houston at 2 AM last Sunday.
Apparently, he was trying to get into a club that was about to close, and â?? as is the way with all Bengals â?? utterly lost his mind when he was denied entry.

Down time and Bengals players clearly donâ??t go well together. McNeal was obviously availing himself of a free weekend he had because the Bengals played in the Thursday night game, beating the division rival Ravens 13-7. So McNeal, the former Texas A&M quarterback, when home for the weekend to tear it up.

McNeal is no stranger to legal issues. Back in September, Bengals LB Odell Thurman was arrested for DUI while he was driving McNealâ??s truck. Wideout Chris Henry and McNeal were passengers, and were not charged. McNeal was the lone player in this incident to avoid censure by Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis; Thurman was suspended for the season, and Henry for two games.

And as if all thatâ??s not bad enough, Iâ??ve noticed a disturbing similarity between Bengals WR TJ Houshmandzadeh and would-be terrorist and â??shoe bomberâ?? Richard Reid. (By the way, the next time you have to take your shoes off at the airport, think of Reid â?? itâ??s his damned fault. I think he should be summarily executed for this fact alone). Houshmandzadeh is of partial Iranian decent, so that makes him at the very least a ball bearing in the â??Axis of Evil.â?? Oddly, Houshmandzadeh is one of the only Bengals receivers not to have had a run-in with the law in the past year. His absurd, un-Bengal-like good behavior and scrupulous avoidance of any illegal team bonding activities lead me to believe that he may be member of a sleeper cell.

GIANTS FIND NEW SPONSORSHIP
This week, the New York Football Giants announced a new sponsor, Graceâ??s Cock Flavored Soup Mix. There was no official announcement by the Giants front office, but the way the New York has been performing on the field makes this one of the best NFL product tie-ins since the heady days of Flutie Flakes.

â??We were approached by the Campbellâ??s Soup company, but none of their flavors really said as much about the Giants 2006 season as Graceâ??s product,â?? said Giants GM Ernie Accorsi. â??As our fans know, this soup mix has a flavor our team has been well acquainted with since Week 10.â??

Accorsi assured Giants fans that even if they have trouble finding the product in their local stores, â??all they need to do is tune in to the Giants game against Carolina this weekend and they’ll be able to get a real good idea of the flavor.â??

And since the Giants front office has given the proverbial â??vote of confidenceâ?? to head coach Tom Coughlin, Big Blue fans are sure to savor the taste of Graceâ??s Cock Flavored Soup Mix â?? spicy or mild â?? for years to come.

In Episode #14 of The Armchair Quarterbacks, youâ??ll hear Benglishâ??s complete inability to come to grips with the Giantsâ?? collapse, and listen as he becomes a Prophet of Doom for the NYGâ??s 2006 season. And though itâ??s not audible, you may just be able to make out Dinoâ??s smile of satisfaction as Eli and Company swirl quickly down the toilet.

And as if the Giantsâ?? breakdown werenâ??t enough, Benglish also has to wrestle with the his feelings on Dallasâ??s new media darling Tony Romo.

But while thereâ??s an inordinate amount of talk about New Yorkâ??s woes, the guys actually do get to cover some other NFL issues. Both of them delight in Michael Vickâ??s latest misadventures. There are also some funny laughs at the Giants expense, and the guys answer the eternal question thatâ??s been on everyoneâ??s mind: Is that a pencil in Dinoâ??s pocket, or is he just thinking about Tony Romo again?

You get all this and more in a crazed, meandering shout-fest that will have you ready to take a sledgehammer to your iPod. But what the hell â?? itâ??s free. Itâ??s Episode #14 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

The Armchair Quarterbacks

You’ll hear a drunken Dino titter with glee like a little school girl as he revels in the Cowboys’ impressive 21-14 win over the previously undefeated Colts. It’s as if Nick Buoniconti, the old and irrelevant paterfamilias of the ‘72 Dolphins is sharing his champagne with Dino … believe us, you’ll be nauseated!

The guys also take the time to register some inappropriate snickers at the expense of the Eagles after Donovan McNabb’s season-ending injury. Two special Cockpunchesâ?¢ are doled out to offending members of the sports media, and you’ll hear some super fresh (and wildly inaccurate) analysis of all the games.

But wait! There’s less! Benglish rants about some potential Hall of Fame candidates, and Dino breaks down some of the latest rumors about the future of the Cowboys. And you’ll even hear AQB’s first-ever Drop-Down, Stone-Cold, Absolute 100% Guaranteed, Lead-Pipe Lock of the Millenium!

It’s just the sort of sports podcast to sour your holiday weekend! You’ll wonder why you downloaded it! You’ll wonder why we bothered to record it! It’s the amazingly underwhelming Episode #13 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

There’s also exclusive audio of Titans DE Albert Haynesworth’s anger management classes, and the guys dig deep to ask the eternal question: When the hell will Vinnie Testaverde’s career finally be over? And as always there’s plenty of Dino and Benglish’s special brand of superficial and half-assed analysis of the latest NFL news.

All this plus a look back at the Week 10 action on the latest installment of everyone’s least favorite NFL podcast, The Armchair Quarterbacks!

But the degradation doesn’t end there. The ever-smiling Emmitt happily strutted his stuff in the most ludicrous outfits. If the poncey sleeveless satin shirt didn’t make you retch, then those catastrophically gay bands around his biceps definitely induced vomiting. I just want to know what goes on in the mind of the NFL’s all-time leading rusher as he’s backstage tying those things around his arms. What in holy hell could he have been thinking?

As if the outfit weren’t bad enough, the three-time Super Bowl winner, Super Bowl MVP, and league MVP then proceeded to the stage where he did more of the revolting hip-shaking and pelvic thrusting that, quite frankly, guys should avoid.

I remember thinking what a mockery Lawrence Taylor had made of himself when he moved on to professional wrestling after his NFL career. But Emmitt’s twinkle-toed affrontery is a new rock-bottom low. This is the sort of behavior I would have expected from Troy Aikman or Bill Bates … but Emmitt? And the fact that many Cowboys fans actually supported this nonsense just makes it worse.

Today, I am prouder than ever to be a fan of the New York Football Giants. I’d like to thank Emmitt for validating my hatred of the Dallas Cowboys.

I know this will sound like sour grapes â?? and it probably is â?? but the Giants served up that game on a silver platter to Chicago on Sunday night. And they did it with their incredibly moronic decision to try a 53-yard Jay Feely field goal attempt. Never mind that Feely had already missed a 33-yard attempt earlier in the game from the same end of the field. Never mind that the field goal, if it was good, would still leave the Giants down by a point, 24-23. But the kick in the ass is that even though they knew the field goal was likely out of Feelyâ??s range, the Giants field goal unit seemed blissfully unaware that a missed field goal is returnable by the opposing team â?? in spite of the fact that Chicago had actually returned a short field goal for a TD last season.

Maybe Iâ??m a bad fan, but my TV was off before Devin Hester even made it into the opposite end zone with the return; I knew the game was over right then and there. I’ve been watching the Giants long enough to know better than to stick around and feel the knife twist in my guts for the remaining ten minutes of the game.

What Iâ??m hoping is that this will be one of those â??goodâ?? losses for the Giants â?? a wake-up call that spurs them on for the rest of the season. But I donâ??t know â?¦ I thought they actually played fairly well, and that it was the abandonment of the running game that really cost them the game. Add to that the fact they lost yet another starter to a season-ending injury (O-lineman Luke Petitgout), and I just get the feeling that itâ??s not their year.

THE BODY BAG LEAGUE
Speaking of injuries â?¦ is it me, or has this gotten totally out of control? Maybe Iâ??m hypersensitive to this being a Giants fan (and NYG’s players have been dropping like proverbial flies over the last few weeks), but it seems like every team is getting absolutely hammered by the injury bug this season.

Get a load of the guys who will miss significant time after this weekendâ??s games: Clinton Portis (hand, out three weeks); David Givens (knee, placed on IR); Luke Petitgout (leg, placed on IR); Tony Gonzalez (shoulder, out three weeks), Patrick Kerney (torn pectoral muscle, placed on IR); Greg Ellis (torn Achilles, placed on IR â?? possibly career threatening) â?¦ and I think Iâ??m actually missing a couple of guys, too.

Hey, itâ??s a contact sport and these things happen. But itâ??s been some time since the injuries have come this fast and thick. I canâ??t remember a year when so many of the leagueâ??s impact players went down for so long. Letâ??s not forget all of the problems with the players from last yearâ??s Super Bowl teams â?? Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander are still not ready for the field, and Ben Roethlisberger is so punch-drunk that he takes the short bus to the Steelers games â?? and I donâ??t mean Jerome Bettis.

We all know that attrition is a major factor in the NFL, and it seems like this will be more of a factor this season than ever before. Sorry to use my standard Giants-centric view of things, but look at NYG: they have so many injuries to key starters that itâ??s very likely to hamper what otherwise could have been an impressive playoff run. The wounded Seahags are staying afloat, but only because theyâ??re in one of the weakest divisions in the league.

With six weeks left to play in the regular season, I suspect that even more injuries are to come â?¦ the team with the most starters left gets the Lombardi Trophy.

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED DEMEANS TOP NFL WRITER WITH HORRIFICALLY FLUFF-FILLED FEATURE
Say it ainâ??t so, Dr. Z (aka Paul Zimmerman). For the love of all that is holy, please tell me that those awful â??She Says, Z Sayâ?? pieces seen on CNNSI.com werenâ??t your idea. That someone on the SI editorial staff is holding a gun on The Flaming Redhead and threatening to pull the trigger while those nightmarish features are being filmed.

I know that an NFL writer of your caliber must realize that a picks segment featuring you and some empty-headed modeling bimbo is a bad idea. Itâ??s reeks of the kind of dumb-ass stunt youâ??d find on The Today Show, or worse yet, The NFL on Fox.

Arenâ??t you the same guy that reviews every game played and maniacally ranks the performance of each player in a composition notebook? Havenâ??t you been doing this since the early 1970s? How can a guy like you give in to those bastards who want to make light of a manâ??s God-given right to be utterly obsessed with the NFL? How can you trivialize all of your hard work by taking part in such a cliché-ridden piece of tripe?!

Since Iâ??ve been a fan of your columns for 20 years, Iâ??m willing to give you the pass. But youâ??ve sold us all out, Dr. Z. Youâ??re now part of the problem with the sports media. As far as Iâ??m concerned, from this point on, when I hear â??Dr. Z,â?? I wonâ??t think of you â?? Iâ??ll think of that renowned simian physician, Dr. Zaius.

This week’s show is rotten with quarterbacks. The guys will tell you about America’s newest crime fighter: former Cleveland Browns QB Bernie Kosar. A certain Hall of Fame quarterback receives a Cockpunchâ?¢, and you’ll even get some exclusive audio of human punching bag and Oakland Raiders QB Andrew Walters.

And you won’t want to miss the debut of our first commercial sponsor! All this and so much less on Episode #11 of the internet’s most mediocre NFL podcast, The Armchair Quarterbacks!

I’m sure there was a shudder of revulsion throughout Redskin Nation when they heard that Shuler was headed back to town as a representative from North Carolina’s 11th Congressional District. The wildly overrated Shuler played 19 games as a quarterback for the ‘Skins from 1994 through 1996 (though he only played in one game in ‘96, tallying zero yards on a single rush attempt — which leads me to believe he took one kneel-down at the end of a game). During his grusome tenure, Shuler passed for a total of 13 TDs and 19 INTs, and never started more than 11 games in a single season. I’m sure he’ll be as welcomed around Washington as Dave Brown would be in New York.

How intense was the anti-Shuler bile of some Redskins fans? Just check out the hilarious blog www.stopshuler.com to find a detailed and very well thought out rant on exactly why Rep. Shuler will be bad for Washington … and the country.

OBNOXIOUS EAGLES FAN RENDELL THUMPS SWANN IN GOVERNOR’S RACE; PA REMAINS MOST HATABLE STATE IN NATION.

OK, so the headline was redundant; all Eagles fans are obnoxious. But I’m sure the nation at large is incredibly discouraged by the re-election of the loud-mouthed former mayor of Philly over the the urbane Hall of Famer Lynn Swann. Maybe Pennsylvania has more Eagles fans. Or maybe Pennsylvanians didn’t want to elect a man with a girl’s name to the governership of their commonwealth. I suppose it depends on which exit polls you check.

Rendell appears every Sunday on Philly’s Comcast Sportsnet show Post Game Live, which airs after every Eagles game. He pointed out that the Pennsylvania governor’s race pitted a politician who wants to be a sportscaster against a sportcaster who wants to be a politician. For an Eagles fan, that’s Oscar Wilde-caliber wit.

SON OF SUCCESSFUL REDSKINS COACH DROPS SENATORIAL BALL WITH SIMIAN GAFFE.
As I write this, incumbent senator George Allen, Jr. (son of the Redskins’ legendary head coach) is trailing Jim Webb in the Virginia senate race by just 6,000 votes. It looks like this is headed for a recount, court injunctions, hanging chads, and all the rest of it.

You’ve got to wonder how many votes Allen lost to transplanted Cowboys, Giants, and Eagles fans throughout Virginia, and the Metro D.C. area.

There is also an ironic NFL dimension to this particular election. Political writers believe that Allen’s campaign was done irreparable damage by the “Macaca” incident. During a campaign stop last August, Allen twice used the term “macaca” to refer to a Webb campaign “tracker” who was filming Allen’s speech. The tracker was of Indian ancestry, and “macaca” is a French racial epithet meaning “monkey” (the term dates back to France’s colonial days in central Africa).

As NFL fans know, Howard Cosell drew a lot of criticism in 1983 for referring to Redskins WR Alvin Garrett a “little monkey” during a play call on Monday Night Football. Cosell left the Monday Night team after the ‘83 season, almost certainly due to the bad publicity from the “little monkey” incident.

So nearly a quarter century after Cosell lost his job for calling a Redskins player a monkey, the son of a Redskins coach has most likely lost a senate seat because he called someone a monkey. That’s monkey karma.

Who can figure out any team this season? On paper, the Bears had no right whatsoever to lose a game to the Dolphins. Especially at home. But lose they did, and in horrendous fashion. In an implosion rivaled only by his own seven INT performance against the Cards last month, Rex Grossman lost a fumble and tossed three INTs, and Chicago went down to their first loss of the season. As a result, countless poor bastards were unceremoniously booted from their survival pools.

The funniest part of this game was watching Grossman tanking in the game, and then seconds later seeing the Pro Bowl Voting commercial where he and Bears WR Muhsin Muhammed vote for one another on their Motorola cell phones. Brutal.

The Bears looked uncharacteristically beatable and bland in this game. I find it very hard to believe that they were, to use the time-honored sports cliche, “looking past” Miami to their Sunday night showdown with the Giants next week. Maybe they were bit in the ass by that other sports cliche — “any given Sunday?” The worst part was that it was the Dolphins that beat them, so you just know that those old pricks from the ‘72 Dolphins are going to put their dentures into their rotted skulls, and come out of the woodwork to talk some shit.

The bottom line is that they hardly looked like world beaters today, and they’re probably going to roll into Giants Stadium good and pissed off. Now that they don’t have to carry the burden of the undefeated season crap, they could loosen up and play even better. As a Giants fan, that makes me nervous.

DALLAS LOSES TO WASHINGTON IN MOST ABSURD WAY POSSIBLE

I don’t know where Dino caught the Dallas-Redskins game today, but I’m glad I wasn’t there. He probably would have put me in the awkward position of asking me to gouge his eyeballs out with a butter knife … and I would have obliged. I’m sure Dino was able to find a suitable object with which to take his own life after what was an absolutely ghastly divisional loss to the Redskins.

You’ve all probably seen it, but to recap: 4th Quarter, less than a minute left. Game tied at 19. Redskins miss 49-yard field goal, give ball back to ‘Boys. Romo (aka “Homo”) completes long pass to set-up 35-yard Vanderjagt kick to win game. Said kick is blocked. Shaun Taylor picks up blocked kick and returns it to the Dallas 44. He’s stopped, but Dallas is flagged for a 15-yard face mask on the return (in truth, it really looked more like a five-yard face mask). Time runs out, but the game cannot end on a defensive penalty; there will be one untimed offensive play in regulation. Thus, Washington Kicker Nick Novak (who?) gets another shot at a game-winning FG from 47 yards. He makes it, but barely — sqeaking it past the right upright for the win. Pandemonium on the field.

Parcells looked disgusted. Gibbs looks a little befuddled. In fact, Gibbs looked like he was barely aware of what was happening in the last 10 minutes of the game. This loss was as odd as the Eagles’ collapse against the Giants. Just a very odd set of circumstances.

The brutality of the loss aside, there seemed to be words between T.O. and Parcells. Owens had a cutesy end zone “celebration” after his TD — he curled up on the ground and used the ball as a pillow. It was funny, but not Chad Johnson funny, and T.O. was flagged for an illegal celebration — apparently, there’s a rule about leaving your feet when you celebrate, which just seems totally retarded. When Owens came off the field after this, Parcells said something to to him, in response to which T.O. seemed to shout and a gesticulate wildly (I’m starting to suspect T.O. shouts and gesticulates wildly when he does anything). I already know that Dino will downplay this exchange. But I know it’ll be all over ESPN, so I just wanted to be the first to feed into the latest “T.O. is losing it” rumors.By the way, how many more critical passes with T.O. drop this season?

CARNELL WILLIAMS: ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE

With apologies to the growing number of Tampa Bay Bucs fans that are fans of AQB, I just have to say that I hope the inapropriately named Cadillac Williams is hit by a large and extremely heavy and well-built bus some time in the near future. Say what you like about the sophomore slump, but this guy really sucks this year. This is based entirely on his year-long lack of performance on my fantasy football team. But I’d really love to know what the hell the excuse is. Earlier in the season it was all about how his O-line was letting him down. But Bruce Gradkowski had the time to complete two TD passes to Joey Galloway, so don’t give me that crap. This guy is doing to me what Jamal Lewis did to me back in 2004. And in case you can’t tell, I’m really bitter about it.

On this weekâ??s podcast, Dino and Benglish break down the biggest games from Week 8, including the Cowboys win over Carolina. If youâ??re a Cowboy hater, you may get physically ill while listening to Dino basking in the post-victory glow. Benglish will give you the full story behind the Giantsâ?? new â??Ballinâ??â?? celebration. And in an AQB exclusive, youâ??ll also hear a sample of what Coach Denny Green could be doing with his time after he gets canned by the Cards.

And in honor of our 10th episode, The Armchair Quarterbacks have crammed in 10% more funny into this podcast. Download it now, and donâ??t miss it!

FATHER OF THE â??VICTORY CIGARâ?? DIES â?¦ AGAIN?
I was shocked to hear the news of Red Auerbachâ??s death. Not because itâ??s surprising when a 91-year-old guy passes on, but because I thought Red Auerbach was already dead. And Iâ??m sure Iâ??m not the only one who thought this.

Iâ??d like to thank ESPN for cluttering up my Sunday morning football programming with endlessly redundant tributes to Auerbach. Iâ??m sure this guy did a lot for his sport, but I get really fed up with people blathering on about the â??good old daysâ?? of any sport.

In fact, notorious numbskull quarterback Terry Bradshaw made some comments to this effect this week, and Iâ??m winding up for a big Cockpunchâ?¢ on the Steelers former functional-illiterate hall-of-famer for next weekâ??s show â?¦ stay tuned.

FROM GOAT TO GOD IN JUST SIX DAYS
Last Sunday night, Tony Romo miraculously converted himself from The Worst Quarterback in the History of the Dallas Cowboys to Future-Ring-of-Honor-Inductee. And all he had to do was throw for 270 yards, 1 TD and 1 INT against the Panthers. While the performance was solid, the praise from the always Cowboy-centric media was completely over the top. CNNSI called Romoâ??s wildly adequate performance â??Brilliant.â??

Brilliant? Until Sunday night, the people of Dallas were ready to give Romo the same treatment they gave John F. Kennedy. Sure, he probably saved the Cowboys season. But letâ??s calm the hell down. Heâ??s a rookie and thereâ??s a lot of season left. Romo has every opportunity to become the next Quincy Carter. Or even the next Nell Carter.

THE â??UNDER THE RADARâ?? PATS HAVE PLAYED NO ONE
I donâ??t want to take anything away from Tom Brady. If he never threw another pass, heâ??d still deserve to go to Canton. And yes, Brady had a lights-out game against Minnesota on Monday Night.

But letâ??s face it: the Pats just havenâ??t played anyone. Yes, the Pats are good. But Iâ??m tired of hearing Pats fans calling up sports radio and bitching that their 6-1 team hasnâ??t gotten any respect. They beat the Vikes. Whoop-de-damned-doo. Like the Vikes, the Pats play in one of the NFLâ??s silliest divisions.

And at least the Vikes can say they play Chicago. The Pats play the Jets, the Dolphins, and the Bills. Hardly murdererâ??s row. In this respect, the Pats remind me a lot of the San Francisco 49ers teams of the 80s, when they were a great team in an absolutely dreadful division.

If the Pats want some respect, go out and put a whipping on the Colts this weekend. I believe that theyâ??ll be able to do this, if only because the Colts just canâ??t do anything to stop the run. But up until the big Sunday night game this weekend, the only other decent team the Pats faced was Denver â?? and they lost that game, 17-7. Sure, they beat the Bengals, but that win looked a lot more impressive in Week 4 than it does now, because Cincyâ??s been falling apart.

The Pats are indeed one of the better teams in the league. But calm the hell down about respect.

FLYING HIGH: ORIGINS OF NYGâ??S â??BALLINâ??â?? CELEBRATION
Sure itâ??s obnoxious. And yeah, itâ??s a little stupid. Possibly a lot stupid. But Iâ??m digging the new Giants â??Ballinâ??â?? celebration. This little move that Strahan dreamed up is getting a lot of press, and itâ??s pissing a lot of people off. And thatâ??s another reason that I like it.

The celebration has a weird origin. Apparently, itâ??s based on rapper Jim Jonesâ??s song, â??We Fly High.â?? And Jones â?? who is apparently a huge Giants fan â?? has even made a remix version of the song that includes references to Tiki, Strahan, and even the oh-so-white and incredibly un-hip Eli Manning.

Itâ??s not like me to come out in favor for something as flat-out juvenile as this latest form of athlete self-aggrandizement. But if you saw the look on Dinoâ??s face when Strahan was doing this in Texas Stadium during NYGâ??s win over the Cowboys â?¦ well, youâ??d be a fan of it, too.

ENOUGH WITH THE BEADS
By far the most grotesque NFL fashion trend in recent years has been the incorporation of Mardi Gras beads in NFL team colors. Wow â?¦ how fruity can you get? Itâ??s hard to believe that a grown man will happily wear thirty-seven necklaces made of shiny plastic beads. And then put a team logo on his cheek like a little girl at a country fair. This has to stop. And the guys that are doing it need to be a lot less proud of this sort of behavior. This past Monday night, I saw at least five crowd shots with different Patriots fans all with this get-up. When I see this I can practically feel the breeze of Vince Lombardi spinning in his grave.

The only thing that rivaled this bead thing in horrendous bad taste was the Zubaz nightmare of the 1980s. The Zubaz company clothed more guidos and wanna be guidos all over the U.S. for year. And you still see the Zubaz diehards out there in stadium parking lots all over the country. These people should be hunted down and slaughtered like the dangerous monsters that they are.

But in spite of their violent differences, the guys still managed to cram some football talk into this weekâ??s show. Benglish weighs in on Tiki Barberâ??s pending retirement. Dino will give you a â??Boys fanâ??s view of the state of Big D. And one of the hosts of ESPNâ??s NFL Live receives a devastating Atomic Cockpunchâ?¢.

Youâ??ll also hear how Raiders fans celebrated their first big win of the season, frightening FBI tapes of a foiled plot against Americaâ??s NFL stadiums, and exclusive audio of Bill Cowherâ??s locker room chat with punch-drunk Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger.

Itâ??s the only podcast on the internet thatâ??s as funny as the World Series’ pathetic TV ratings! Itâ??s Episode #9 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

The Armchair Quarterbacks seem to have survived the first Cowboys-Giants showdown. Benglish and Dino (as well as two friends who served as moderators) met at a local sports bar for the big Monday night game. There was more on the line than first place in the NFC East; it seemed the future of the podcast was at stake.

Unfortunately for our listeners, it looks as though the podcast has survived.

While I heard this game described as a â??dominating Giants winâ?? on the radio and in this morningâ??s papers, it seemed a whole lot closer from a Giants-fan perspective. Indeed, if you look at the glass half-full (and thatâ??s how I roll â?¦), the Giants gave the Cowboys every opportunity to win that game, and the Cowboys couldnâ??t take advantage.

For the good of the podcast, I will not dwell on the results of this game. But needless to say, Iâ??m pretty happy with how it turned out. The Giants still have a long way to go before they can wrap up the NFC East title, but the 3-0 division start — with two of those wins on the road — is a nice start.

I don’t think that the Cowboys should be anywhere near the DEFCON 1 crisis mode they seem to have reached in the wake of this loss. While they do have three straight road games, two of them are against Washington and Arizona.

The only other thing to say about this game is that â??Romoâ?? is just one letter away from â??homo.â??

BIG BENâ??S BELL RUNG YET AGAIN

It seems like Ben Roethlisberger has spent most of 2006 (the year, not the NFL season) recovering from some form of unconsciousness. At this point, youâ??ve got to think that Muhammed Ali is more self-aware than Big Ben, and if I were the Steelers, Iâ??d be very worried. Heâ??s only one hit away from becoming that guy from Goonies. And I don’t mean Chunk.
YUMPIN’ YIMMINY! WALRUS MAN LOSES HASSELBECK!

Overrated Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren has lost QB Matt Hasselbeck to a knee injury for at least three weeks. It seems that the Curse of the Super Bowl Loser lives on! Shaun Alexander is out for at least another week, and a road trip against the suddenly resurgent Kansas City Chiefs is looming. I donâ??t think Seneca Wallace or Maurice Morris are going to scare anyone.

JUST WIN (ONE), BABY!
Iâ??m sure Raiders Nation was relieved to get at least one win. It might be their only win, but they accomplished it with the usual Oakland style. It didnâ??t matter to Raider Nation that Oakland was putting a beating on what was clearly a psychologically wounded Cardinals squad; Oakland fans were still happy to hop and caper like troops of ferocious baboons, and strut about as if they were winning the AFC Championship game. The circumstances of the game usually matter little to this bunch.

Iâ??m sure that the Bay Areaâ??s leather bars were fully packed with the celebrants of Raider Nation in the wake of this glorious victory. But next week, the rest of us can all hope that Oaklandâ??s Tradition of Pointlessness continues.

PHILLY GETS BOOT IN THE GROIN FOR A SECOND STRAIGHT WEEK.

Ouch.

Not easy being a Philly fan this week. Or, it seems, this season. Once again, theyâ??ve found a fancy and convoluted new way to lose a game on the last play. First, it was Plaxico Burress in OT. Last week it was Jon Carney at the end of regulation. And this weekend, they were beaten by the third-longest field goal in the entire history of the NFL. No wonder McNabb is throwing up all over the field.

The rough part of this is that Philly hasnâ??t yet hit the rough patch of their schedule yet. The way they close the season is a killer: @ IND, v. CAR, @ WAS, @ NYG, @ DAL, v. ATL. If they donâ??t make the playoffs, they have Carney and Bryant to thank.

Speaking of which, did anyone else notice the bizarre Giants connection in yesterdayâ??s loss to the Bucs? First, Ronde Barber, brother of the Giants RB Tiki Barber scores TBâ??s only two touchdowns. And then former Giant Matt Bryant boots his way into the record books for the win. Coincidence? I think not â?¦

I SHOULD GIVE VICK SOME CREDIT â?¦ BUT I WONâ??T.

A lot of people would give credit to MichaMcel Vick for his breakout game against the Steelers.

I am not one of those people.

I wonâ??t go on about this too much since itâ??s the underlying theme of the podcast nearly every week, but Iâ??m just not buying it. Six years into his hideously overrated career, Vick throws for his first-ever 3+ TD game. Three of his four TDs went to â?? who else? â?? his TE Algae Crumpler. I know Mike is now tempted to have another of his, â??See, I told you not to doubt my unbelieveable God-like powersâ?? press conferences. Just like the one he held last year after his annual spectacularly adequate performance against Miami.

Do yourself a favor: donâ??t buy it. Letâ??s see olâ?? #7 rack up a few more big days before we proclaim him the next Steve Young. Iâ??ll bet you any amount of money he canâ??t do it.

Thanks for making us wait six years for your â??eliteâ?? performance, Mike. I guess at this pace, we can all tune back in for your next big game in 2012.

â??BANG ON THE DRUMâ?? WORST STADIUM SONG OF ALL TIME.
Who the hell is in charge of the PA systems at the nationâ??s NFL stadiums? These morons are single-handedly responsible for keeping the horrendous Todd Rundgren song â??Bang on the Drumâ?? in the American consciousness. I first noticed this when I would hear it after Green Bay touchdowns back during their run in the late 90s. But now itâ??s everywhere. I heard it several times on TV this weekend, and it made me want to drive a contractor nail into my forehead to stop the pain.

I know that PA guys are low-paid DJ wannabes â?? they only work eight home games a year, and the playoffs if theyâ??re lucky (and the crowd is unlucky). But how about something other than â??Bang on the Drum?â?? What the hell does â??Bang on the Drumâ?? have to do with scoring a touchdown? Iâ??d take â??Back in Black,â?? or â??Smack My Bitch Upâ?? over â??Bang on the Drum.â?? For the love of God â?? how about some other song.

Thatâ??s it for now. Stay tuned for the next episode of AQB later this week!

–Benglish

In Episode #7 we told you that Week 6 was going to be filled with unwatchable bore fests. Instead, it was one of the most exciting NFL weekends in recent memory.

Regardless of our unbroken string of inaccuracies, we encourage you to download Episode #8. This week we break down the Bears’ glorious win (or was it the Cardinals’ hideous collapse?). Benglish will tell the tale of his visit to the Georgia Dome where he saw his beloved Giants put a beating on the player he loves to hate, Michael Vick.

There’s another AQB exclusive you’ll hear out-takes of a motorcyle helmet safety ad featuring Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger recorded last week by our very own Dino.

All this and plenty more heart-pounding excitement on the latest installment of everyone’s least favorite podcast, The Armchair Quarterbacks!

The fallout from this disaster has been incredibly entertaining. Denny Greenâ??s deranged rant at the post-game press conference is an instant classic. And Iâ??m sure that there will be more laughs to follow. This loss was so egregiously heinous that even the apathetic Cardinals owner Bill Bidwell will sit up and take notice; Dennis Green will surely be back working at ESPN in time for the Pro Bowl.

The fact that Neil Rackers is still breathing today is a testament to the self-control of everyone in the Cardinals organization. But while the kicker seems an easy target, letâ??s remember that it wasnâ??t even the Cardinals defense that was truly to blame for the loss â?? Chicago never even scored an offensive TD. So forgive me if my heart doesnâ??t bleed for ballroom dance aficionado Matt Leinert and his woe-is-me, puppy-dog-eyes routine; it was one of his fumbles that was returned for a TD. And letâ??s not forget Edgerrin James, who had probably his worst performance as a Cardinal (which is saying something) with a mere 55 yards on 36 carries, and the fumble (it wasnâ??t really a fumble â?? Brian Urlacher literally pulled the ball right out of his arms) that was returned for still another Bears TD.

Thereâ??s one final and hilarious fact that really sums up the hard-luck story of the Cards and this entire mess: they added former Cardinal (and current horrible CBS analyst) Dan Dierdorfâ??s name to the teamâ??s â??ring of honorâ?? before the game. It was all downhill from there; they should save themselves years of heartbreak and implode that stadium this week.

GIANTS DEFENSE SAVES BENGLISH FROM FALCON-SIZED HELPING OF CROW

This would have been a very rough week if the Giants had lost to the Falcons. I mean, really bad. Close to unbearable. Since I talk smack about the Falcons in general and Michael Vick in particular, both in this blog and on the podcast, I would really need to eat some big-time crow.

Fortunately for me, Iâ??ve been right all along: Vick and the Falcons suck. And I was really glad to have been there to see it in person to witness the Giants knock Vick around (seven sacks) and muscle their way back from a 14-3 deficit to beat the Falcons 27-14. Naturally, the Giants were keyed by the power running of Tiki Barber who never ceases to impress. As he has for his whole career, Barber took a reeling Giants squad, put them on his back and won the game almost single-handedly. Though he didnâ??t score, Barberâ??s 185 rushing yards buried the Falcons.

Thereâ??s so much that’s wrong with the Falcons’ offensive approach. I think itâ??s Vickâ??s athleticism that holds them back. Heâ??s so successful when he runs that Head Coach Jim Mora seems to be OK with letting the Falcons remain a one dimensional team. You could tell that when the Giants went ahead 17-14, Atlanta had no plan. Itâ??s hard to believe, but hereâ??s a team with three first-round draft picks at WR, and they canâ??t rally from a deficit. What a freak show.

The Giants arenâ??t world-beaters by any stretch. But Iâ??m happy that their beat-down of the Falcons has put an end to all the moronic speculation that this Atlanta team is going anywhere. The bottom line is that while Vick is many things, heâ??s not an NFL-caliber quarterback. And there is no chance that the Falcons â?? as they are currently coached and constituted â?? have a prayer of winning a Super Bowl.

DANIEL SNYDER: WORLDâ??S WORST FANTASY FOOTBALL PLAYER

Every time my fantasy football team goes into the tank, I always try to think of that annoying little goblin Dan Snyder. At least my horrible fantasy team only costs me a couple of hundred bucks at the end of the season; Snyderâ??s horrible fantasy team costs him several million dollars.

I think we can add the Washington Redskins to the list of NFL franchises that are spinning their wheels. The Skins were dealt an embarrassing home loss by the woeful Titans this weekend, 25-22. Hall of Famer Joe Gibbs has been working long and hard at tarnishing his legacy during his most recent tenure with the Skins, and I think this completes the job rather nicely.

I donâ??t think Washington will be able to pull out of this tailspin, and you have to wonder whatâ??s next for this team. This is almost certainly the final go â??round for Joe Gibbs as the head coach. Iâ??d assume that either the absurdly overpaid offensive genius Al Saunders or defensive mastermind Gregg Williams will get the unenviable task of picking up the pieces of Snyderâ??s broken dream. It looks like a massive house cleaning is needed. This team needs to start over, and it should begin with dumping Brunell. Theyâ??ll probably give him one last chance to right the ship against Indy this weekend (and whoâ??s to say they wonâ??t be able to pull an upset; Portis runs tough, and the Colts canâ??t stop the run).

Itâ??s just nice to see that the old George Steinbrenner bit of trying to buy a championship doesnâ??t work in the NFL. Hell, it doesnâ??t even work in MLB.

THE FEEL-GOOD STORY OF 2006 IS PISSING ME OFF
As a Giants fan, I was ecstatic to see the Eagles fall to the Saints. But thatâ??s where it ends. Iâ??m fed up with being told by the sports media at large that I need to be head-over-heels about the Saintsâ?? unexpected 5-1 start. Enough is enough already.

Call me a sick bastard (you wouldnâ??t be the first), but all this extra nationwide support for the Saints is making me want to root against them. Yes, the Saints are 5-1, and with that kind of start they should make the playoffs. But I think a lot of sports people have built this team up to be a bit better than they are based solely on how warm and fuzzy America is supposed to feel whenever they win.

As for me, I wish everyone would shut the hell up about it. When the Saints play the Giants, I want them to get beaten so badly that Katrina looks mild by comparison.

VINDICATION OR JUST BAD PASS DEFENSE?
I have to admit it: I find the T.O./media dynamic is utterly fascinating. Last week, T.O. had a bad week and was stomping around and bitching. â??Why did you bring me here,â?? he was screaming. The sports media filleted him for it.

This week, T.O. goes out and catches five balls for 45 yards, including three short TDs (3, 21, and 2 yards) and suddenly, heâ??s a hero. Sure, he caught 3 TDs. But how scary is it that he could only muster 45 yards receiving against the Texans?

But thatâ??s not the worst part. Some media guys have now totally reversed their position on Owens based on his performance this week. CNNSI.comâ??s Don Banks wrote in his most recent column:

â??Are we all big enough to admit that maybe Terrell Owens was right? Maybe the Cowboys were guilty of under-utilizing him in the season’s opening five weeks. There’s no doubt he routinely picks the wrong way to voice his concerns, and his timing is impeccably terrible. But in this case, his point was valid: getting him the ball is just good business for Drew Bledsoe and Dallas.

All I know is that T.O.’s five catches against the outmatched Texans produced three touchdowns in the Cowboys’ 34-6 thrashing of Houston. That’s not a bad ratio to aspire to when it comes to play-making in the NFL.â??

Huh? Against the Eagles â?? a markedly better defensive team than the Texans â?? Owens was thrown to thirteen times, but had just three catches for 45 yards â?? only this time, no TDs. Yet this performance apparently sparked Owensâ??s histrionics about â??Why did you bring me here?â?? as well as numerous sports columns about Owens not being worth his salt.

The thing about this that makes me the most crazy is that T.O., Dino, and the rest of Cowboys Nation want to continue to pretend that thereâ??s some massive conspiracy to make T.O. But itâ??s not true. The media loves T.O. as much as T.O. loves himself. And all it took to wipe the slate clean was 45 yards and a few short TDs against the 31st-ranked pass defense in the league.

Thatâ??s that for now. Stay tuned for another wildly offensive episode of The Armchair Quarterbacks later this week!

–Benglish

Guess again. There’s another hype on the way that I’m going to tell you about. But first things first. Let’s deal with events that took place at the Linc in Philly …

EAGLES WIN LAME, UNIMPORTANT VERSION OF SUPER BOWL
Let’s all congratulate the Eagles on a victory that, from all appearances, was clearly more important to the Philly fans than their any of their recent NFC Championship games, or even Super Bowl XXXVIII. They barely beat Dallas in Week 5, and because T.O. plays for Dallas, this game was considered huge. Which it wasn’t.

Donâ??t get me wrong: every divisional win is critical, especially in the NFC East. But this doesnâ??t seem to be what Iggles fans are taking away from their 38-24 win over the Cowboys. In fact, an online poll in Mondayâ??s Philadelphia Inquirer showed that less than 40% of Eagles fans thought the best part of Sundayâ??s win was â??beating the hated Cowboys at home.â?? The second most votes went to â??shutting down T.O.â?? (22%).

The Eagles should be excited about this win; itâ??s their first victory of the season against a legitimate team. Remember: their other three wins were essentially against I-AA college teams: the Texans, the Niners, and Green Bay. If Bledsoe could have hit the proverbial broad side of a barn with a pass, Dallas would probably have at least tied that game.

It wasnâ??t until this weekend that I saw how much the whole T.O. thing has scarred Philly. Maybe now they can move on. The guy who should be the most offended by all of this nonsense is Donovan McNabb. So much of the last three years have been all about T.O. for the Eagles. Meanwhile, McNabb has developed into one of the top four quarterbacks in the NFL, and itâ??s amazing to me that the people who seem to give him the least credit are the Philly fans.

Now that the T.O. issue seems to be dead (until they Philly travels to Dallas, anyway), maybe Philly fans can move on. If theyâ??re looking for someone to blame for wrecking the team, point to head coach Andy Reid and his distain for the running game. Westbrookâ??s knee issue has once again become a factor (surprise, surprise), and as the season wears on, this will be what bites them in the ass â?? not T.O.

PORTIS NOT NEARLY AS HILARIOUS AFTER LOSS TO GIANTS
Excuse the obvious Giants fan bias, but I just have to lay into the â??Skins. They had become completely insufferable after just two wins. It seems that all they had to do was beat the woeful Texans and then have a Jacksonville DB whiff on a tackle in overtime, andâ??presto!â??Mark Brunell is one of the leagueâ??s top QBs, and Clinton Portis can take some time away from his playbook to work on his stand-up routine.

This time around, it was â??Dolomite Jenkinsâ?? making an appearance before the media. He claimed he was looking for â??Southeast Jerome,â?? the character Portis had appeared as before last seasonâ??s 36-0 drubbing at Giants Stadium. But though it was a different character, the results were the same â?? a convincing Giants win.

Jerome and Dolomite 3, Giants 55. Please keep those characters coming, Clinton. I’m begging you.
Iâ??m sure that in Washington, the hilarity of Clinton Portis is inversely proportional to the number of Redskin losses. Anyone want to bet that this week when Portis gets in front of the sports media, heâ??s dressed Clinton Portis, running back for a mediocre offense?

OH NO! IT’S NICK BUONICONTI SEASON!
Ready for more hype? Well, don’t look now but the Bears are 5-0 and prepped for an assault on the ‘72 Dolphins’ perfect season. Which means we’re all going to be getting a healthy dose of Nick Buoniconti and the rest of his Geritol-swigging teammates on every sports show imaginable. Lucky us.

But this could finally be the year that old, annoying bastard and his arrogant pals get that those Champagne bottles crammed sideways into someplace dark and foul smelling. And I, for one, canâ??t wait to see it happen.

Yes, itâ??s looking like 2006 could be the year of two extremes. It’s very possible that we could see a 16-0 team and an 0-16 team. Those teams are the Bears and the Raiders (I think you know which team goes with which record).

Iâ??m not much of a bandwagon guy, but as much as Iâ??d like to think that Chicago will lose in the near future, the schedule says otherwise. This is the rest of the Bears schedule: @ Arizona, v. 49ers, v. Dolphins, @ Jets, @ Giants, @ Patriots, v. Vikings, @ Rams, v. Buccaneers, @ Lions, v. Packers. Of these, maybe the Patriots have the best shot, since theyâ??re the last of three straight road games and you can never count out the Belichick Pats. Other than that, the Bears schedule looks like a tray of freshly baked cupcakes.

On the other, and far more heinous side of the coin is the Raiders. The good news? They get to play the Browns and the Niners. The bad news? Theyâ??ve already lost to those teams. Hereâ??s what the Raiders need to suffer through from this point on: @ Broncos, v. Cardinals, v. Steelers, @ Seahawks, v. Broncos, @ Chiefs, @ Chargers, v. Texans, @ Bengals, v. Rams, v. Chiefs, @ Jets. The Texans at home gives them a shot at one win. And perhaps they could challenge the Jets. But when a team blows an 18-point home lead to the Browns, youâ??ve got to figure thereâ??s nothing but grief and misfortune on the horizon.

The talk of 16-0 and 0-16 should start to get going after this weekâ??s games. Get ready for the media nightmare. Hopefully, this will be the last season we have to hear from the members of the NFLâ??s self-appointed â??greatest team ever.â??

UGLIEST UNIFORMS EVER
The ugliest thing to happen in the 1960s was the Vietnam War. But the Chargersâ?? powder-blue uniforms are definitely a close second. Yet every year, the San Diego Chargers break out the throw-back powder-blue unis, and everyone in sports gushes about how these are the coolest uniforms every created.

Let’s all just calm the hell down about this. At best, these uniforms look like cast-offs from a crappy high school program; at worst, they look fruity as hell. Powder blue? Itâ??s not cool, and itâ??s not intimidating. Itâ??s extremely effete, and thatâ??s putting it politely.
If the Chargersâ?? powder-blue catastrophes are so cool, why arenâ??t sales the sales of Houston Oilers throwback jerseys skyrocketing? At least Warren Moon wore one of those. Until Tomlinson came along, the only player even mildly cool to have worn this uniform was Lance Alworth.

I suspect it was Chris Berman of ESPN that started this kick. As if Dino needed another reason to hate those guys That’s all for now. Stay tuned for this week’s podcast!

–Benglish

And because we love all six of our diehard fans, we still managed to cram in a podcast covering most of the big events that made up Week 4 in the NFL. We fight it out on latest T.O. situation (guess whose side Dino takes), and weigh-in on the Albert Haynesworth suspension. And a very special guest calls in to talk about his role in Shaun Alexander’s broken foot.

You’ll also hear Benglish threaten bodily harm on Marvin Lewis in the first installment of Benglish’s Fantasy Rant. And one of the World-Wide Leaders in Sports will receive a cockpunch. There’s no Three and Out this week, but we make up for it by trying to actually be funny.

We also added a new section to the site.  If you look at the top of the episodes list (over there on the right) you’ll see “AQB Sketches.”  Last week we rleeased one alongside the podcast, and this week we’ve made a home for them.  So be sure to check out your favorites sketches, and new ones will be added each week.

All this, plus a few surprises on the latest installment of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

See, I’m used to Cowboy players doing their best to hurt themselves. There was Leon Lett’s drug issue. Then there was Michael Irvin’s drug issue. And now, of course, there’s the most recent and obvious example of a Dallas Cowboy trying to do himself irreparable harm: Emmitt Smith’s stint on the cast of ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars.”
But while you can’t condone what the Titans DT did to Cowboys center Andre Gurode on the football field, there are some situations that can use a little Albert Haynesworth. The guy who takes too at the ATM. The idiot in front of you at the convenience store buying 47 lotto ticket number combinations when all you’re getting is a gallon of 2% milk. Dan Dierdorf. Joe Theisman. Oprah Winfrey. Clay Aiken. The list of deserving candidates for “The Haynesworth Stomp” is a long one.

I, for one, would have appreciated the head-clearing benefits of a set of size 15 cleats to the skull this past weekend as I was monkeying up my horrendous fantasy team line-up.

LIES, DAMNED LIES, AND STATISTICS: MORE PROOF THAT MICHAEL VICK SUCKS
The long-dead British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli has credited (wrongly, it turns out) with saying that “there are three kinds of falsehoods: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” But whoever made this statement also made a good point; you can use numbers to prove just about anything. But just as numbers can lie, they can also cut right to the quick and tell a very insightful story. And this week, the numbers tell the story of Michael Vick very, very well.

A couple of shows back, I said that I had revised my opnion on Michael Vick. And I have. It’s really not fair to just come out and say, “Michael Vick sucks,” because it’s just not true. Vick deserves his due. After all, he doesn’t suck at playing football. He just sucks at playing quarterback. And the numbers bear out this conclusion. Get a load of the top five leading rushers in the league through the first four games of the season:

1. Willis McGahee (389 yards)

2. Stephen Jackson (367 yards)

3. Warrick Dunn (365 yards)

4. Rudi Johnson (353 yards)

5. Michael Vick (333 yards)

Now, a lot of you Falcons fans are going to continue thinking, “hey, that’s because we’re the top rushing team in the league — did you notice that Dunn was #3 on the list?” It’s easy to be the top rushing team in the league when the primary job of both your RBs and your QB is to run the ball. What happened when Vick needed to throw to get them back into the game against New Orleans? He couldn’t do it. You know why? ‘Cause he can’t.

Vick has the third-fewest passing yards in the league (522) — less than 200 yards more than he’s run for. Only Philip Rivers and Damon Huard (who’s only started two games) have less yards through the air. There are two QBs that don’t make the list: Aaron Brooks and Andrew Walters from the Raiders. As a team, the Raiders have passed for only 211 yards in four games. Yikes.

Vick has completed exactly 50% of the passes he’s thrown so far this year (45 of 90). He has now logged two back-to-back games where he’s not thrown a TD pass.

Can we please call Vick a running back at this point? The guy just isn’t a pro quarterback. And you know what? After going through all those stats, I’ve re-convinced myself that Vick sucks.

CARDINALS SELL NAMING RIGHTS FOR NEW STADIUM TO FAKE COLLEGE

After years of playing in Sun Devil Stadium, the Arizona Cardinals finally opened their own beautiful new stadium this year. It even has a retractable dome, much to the delight of the five or six Cardinals season ticket holders who used to spend eight Sundays a year working on a really bad case of skin cancer and watching the Cards get pummelled. At least now they get to watch the Cardinals lose in the shade.

Last week, Bill Bidwell sold the naming rights to the Cardinals new stadium to the University of Phoenix. Am I the only one that finds this fitting? A traditional loser franchise goes from playing in a stadium on the campus of a fully accredited state university to playing in a brand-new stadium named after a faux university that has “campuses” all over the country (usually in mall parking lots). You can’t make this stuff up.

“We’re trying to get the dialogue about the University ratcheted up,” said Brian Mueller, president of schools parent company (how many legitimate colleges do you know that have a “parent company?”). “We want to lend more credibility to the students who earn their degrees from here.” It’s official: this is the first time that the word “credibility” has appeared in a story about the Cardinals.

The terms of the deal cede the naming rights for a period of 20 years, which means that by 2026 the Cards will be playing their home games in a stadium that’s likely to be named for a defunct college.

In a related story, all Cardinals fans in attendance at this Sunday’s game against the Chiefs will be receive full certification in the exciting field of heating, air conditioning, and refrigeration, as well as their own set of tools.

IN SHORT: WEEK 4

1. MARONEY’S ROMP IN CINCY. Looks like the gargoyle-faced Corey Dillon could be nearing the end of the road.

2. BEARS BLOWOUT SEAHAGS. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

3. RAVENS 4-0. This is one sorry looking 4-0 squad, with just 383 yards on the ground in four games.

4. EAGLES STILL LOOK STELLAR AGAINST SHIT TEAMS. According to ESPN, the Eagles should win the next five Super Bowls based on their performance against Green Bay on Monday Night.

5. PACKERS CUT DB CARROLL AFTER BAD NIGHT. Problem solved! See you in Miami this February, Packer Backers!

6. BRUNELL’S GAME-WINNING PASS IN OT. Yes, Brunell made a nice throw, but the safety completely whiffed on the tackle. Don’t make your reservations for Canton just yet, Mark.

7. EDGE GAINS JUST TWO YARDS IN FIRST HALF AGAINST STL. Two yards. And that’s not a typo.

8. REGGIE WAYNE STOPPED AT THE ONE … AGAIN. One Sunday, Wayne’s brother was killed. The next Sunday, Wayne kills my fantasy team.

9. DOLPHINS LOSE TO TEXANS. Down by two, the Fish go for two with a reverse option pass. The passer? Ronnie Brown. I’m not sure if that’s an indictment of Brown’s running or Culpepper’s passing.

10. RAIDERS BLOW 18-POINT LEAD AT HOME … AGAINST THE BROWNS. Just when you think the Raiders have hit rock bottom, they burrow down a little deeper. Even in the age of free agency, it could take five years for this team to become competitive again.

That’s that for now. Keep an ear out for our next podcast! It’s coming soon!

–Benglish

In an AQB first, the guys look ahead to this weekend’s relatively crappy slate of NFL games. And in yet another AQB exlusive audio segment, you’ll hear a phone conversation between Chris “The Spleenless Wonder” Simms and his dad Phil that was captured by our crack team of surveillance experts. But best of all, since this episode was recorded before the recent fiasco in Dallas, there’s absolutely no mention of T.O.’s pill-popping antics! Get ready for podcasting perfection! It’s Episode #5 of The Armchair Quarterbacks!

They then ran with the story, interviewing former teammates (unnamed, of course) and associates, asking about T.O.â??s state of mind and if they would be willing to speculate on whether he was capable of taking his own life. This wonderful group of sports journalists failed to mention, until after T.O.â??s press conference several hours later, that T.O. left practice early last week due to an adverse reaction to the painkillers he was prescribed after hand surgery.

They may have mentioned the previous adverse reaction in passing, but it sure as hell wasnâ??t an important fact in the story they were pushing. In fact, Parcells mentioned Owens’s adverse reaction to the pain meds twice last week when asked if T.O. would be ready for the Tennessee game this Sunday. Remember: the Cowboys are my favorite team; I tend to keep abreast of these situations by reading everything I can about the team on sites like The Boys Blog. So I’d definitely heard about the adverse reaction prior to today.

With that previous history of bad reactions to the meds in mind, most people wouldnâ??t think it was a stretch to believe that last night Ownens had another, more serious adverse reaction to the painkillers and was taken to the hospital. But that kind of news doesnâ??t sell fish wrappers, so letâ??s sexy it up a bit. I know that ESPN didnâ??t break the story, but who gives a fuck? They used info from a report from WFAA TV in Dallas and reported it as fact. All in spite of the fact that there was no official police report and nobody involved with the case was saying anything.

This is why Iâ??m always ranting about ESPN creating news stories. You see, since this is the public’s main — if not only — source of info on the case, ESPN can now run with this story no matter what the Cowboys, the Dallas PD, or T.O. say. The spin is already beginning. Itâ??s a huge conspiracy, if you listen to the windbags on ESPN radio. The subtext of their reports and the opinions of their on-air talent is an implication T.O. probably did try to commit suicide, but he and the Cowboys (with the help of the Dallas PD, of course), are covering it up so that he can play. That will be a great story for the next couple of weeks.

I also heard ESPN’s radio analyst mention that Parcell’s terse responses and dyspeptic demeanor at today’s press conference was proof of how much of a distraction T.O has become. I saw this press conference, and Parcells did seem irritable and distracted. But to my eyes, Parcells seemed irritated at the douche bags in the press that kept asking him the same question, ad nauseum, even after he’d told them he didn’t have the answer.

â??Why do you think Parcells would deny knowing anything about the case?â?? asked Ass Hat #1 on ESPNâ??s afternoon drive time radio show. Then Ass Hats #2 and #3 speculated on what Parcells motivation might have been (I won’t name Ass Hat #3, but his initials are Chris Mortensen). The possibility that Parcells was answering truthfully was never mentioned or considered. Isn’t it possible that Parcells might have been a little busy running practice, and didnâ??t have much info on the case?

Now the story has legs of itâ??s own. No matter which version of this story you choose to believe, ESPN can fill up valuable air time arguing the whys and wherefores of this non-news story. It will never go away.

Donâ??t get me wrong, Iâ??m not pissed about this because I think T.O. is getting a bad shake. I really donâ??t care what anybody thinks of the guy. Iâ??m not really sure what I think of the guy. I just hope, as long as he plays for my favorite team, he plays well and continues to be one of the top receivers in the game.

And that, my friends, is my point. ESPN is not a sports network anymore. A sports network would feature sports journalists talking about sports. ESPN dedicates about .001% of their on air time to actual sports. The rest of the time they are reporting on gossip. Gossip that, at times, they have started themselves. They are the National Enquirer of sports news. If they had any credibility left, this latest stunt would have put an end to that. They continually state that they are only reporting on these things because the public demands it; thatâ??s an easy claim to make when you have no competition to prove you wrong or challenge you on the point. Iâ??m pretty sure most of the sports-watching public would like to see some news on their team, not more celebrity gossip.

But maybe Iâ??m all wrong on this. Maybe die-hard sports fans really are the equivalent of old ladies at a sewing circle, dishing gossip about whoâ??s cheating on whom, and speculating on what he really meant when he said what he said. Maybe weâ??re nothing more than soap opera fans who just canâ??t wait to find out if Jennyâ??s baby is really Austinâ??s or not. If thatâ??s the case, Iâ??m hanginâ?? with the wrong crowd.

But I donâ??t think thatâ??s what you guys want to hear. I think you are sports fans, like me, and want to talk trash, keep up with your teams, and talk sports. Real sports. I donâ??t think you are a bunch of back room, gossip craving, he said/she said, 15-year-old girls.

But ESPN does.

–Dino

Like most fans, I have a tendency to get a little miffed when my team gets railed like a cheap whore. But today â?¦ well, it was a new low on so many levels. I took a shot to the chin three times: The Giants, and both of my fantasy teams. This is the second time in three weeks of football that I’ve been so roundly sodomized by events on the field.

The nightmare started early, and it was â??Enhanced Porkâ?? my big-money fantasy team that felt the first sting of failure.

Initially, I was pretty fired up. I flipped on the TV in time to see that there was an early score in the Jets-Bills game. This was good. I had to start the normally useless Lee Evans. Maybe olâ?? Lee was going to show a flash of the potential heâ??s been teasing the fantasy world with for so long. So eagerly, I hopped on line to see whoâ??d caught the long pass.

It wasnâ??t Lee Evans. It wasnâ??t Josh Reed. It wasnâ??t even Peerless Price. It was Roscoe Parrish. Sure, I was pissed. But I was also baffled. Roscoe Parrish? I would have been less surprised if it has been Roscoe P. Coltrane whoâ??d made the 51-yard TD reception. Hell, even if long-dead jazz legend John Coltrane had caught the pass, Iâ??d have thought, â??Wow, for a dead sax player, the dudeâ??s got some wheels.â?? But no, it was WR Roscoe Parrish who, according to the official Buffalo Bills website is #3 on the depth chart behind Evans and Sam Aiken. Roscoe, before his breakout game on Sunday, had a grand total of three receptions for 24 yards so far this season.
AM I CHANGING THE COURSE OF HISTORY?
Here’s a theory: what if my bad fantasy luck is starting to directly affect the lives and fortunes of the guys who “play” on my fantasy teams?

If nothing else, it’s a hell of a plot for a Stephen King novella. But I’m starting to wonder. In one league, I have the now-spleenless INT machine Chris Simms. His life has become pretty crappy in the last three weeks. At one time, this was slated to be his breakout season. Now the poor bastard has no spleen (ironically, this fact will in no way prevent Tampa Bay Bucs fans from venting their collective spleens against him).

When I drafted Carnell Williams, his nickname was “Cadillac.” Now, he couldn’t get an endorsement from Kia.

Reggie Wayne has a lot of yards, but no touchdowns. And now, his brother’s dead. Wayne has been on my fantasy teams for the last three years. Coincidence?
And have you seen Antonio Gates’s stats since he joined one of my squads at the beginning of this season?

OH, PLEASE: BRUNNELL LAUDED FOR â??RECORDâ?? DAY AGAINST CRAPPY TEAM
Iâ??ve heard this crap all night about how Mark Brunell â??really bounced back this week after that bad game in Dallas.â?? The proof? Well, of course itâ??s the fact that Brunell set the single-game consecutive completion record this afternoon with an â??amazingâ?? string of 22 completed passes against â?¦ well, against Houston.

Yes, Houston. Home of NFLâ??s most expensive sieve: the Texans secondary. The guys who gave up 311 passing yards to Philly in Week 1 and 390 passing yards to the Colts in Week 2. So forgive me if Iâ??m not terribly impressed by Brunellâ??s latest feat. Only Mons Venus in Tampa has left more people uncovered than the Houston secondary.

Brunellâ??s new record is exactly as meaningful as the Redskinsâ?? first win against the hapless Texans. We can expect Washington to promptly return to their losing ways next week when they face the Jags. As for the Texans, Iâ??m not sure theyâ??re even qualified to play in the CFL, let alone the NFL.

Sure, Iâ??m a negative guy. But how about some healthy skepticism from the sports media? Could some one â?? anyone â?? please point out that Houston sucks? Teams will be setting records against these clowns all season.

CINCY GETS “REVENGE” FOR UNINTENTIONAL INJURY TO PALMER

Wow, was this hyped beyond belief? All weekend long, we heard about how Carson Palmer really hates the Steelers, and how both of these teams are disrespecting one another. It seems that Bill Cowher had the temerity to mock the Bengal’s “Who Dey” chant.

OK, let’s all shut the hell up about this. First of all, the Bengals stole “their” “Who Dey?” chant from the Saints (who started “Who Dat?). Oh sure, there’s Bengals freaks who would have you think otherwise. There’s even one moron who gives the history of the “Who Dey” chant on the Bengals team message boards. Why would you even want to lay claim to this in the first place? In the message board, this guy “assures” the reader that “it began in Cinncinatti during November of 1981.” Wow. Such a storied tradition.

Secondly, Carson Palmer needs to move on (sorry for the “knee” pun). Note to Carson Palmer: Kemo Van What’s-His-Nuts didn’t shred your knee on purpose. He just wanted to tackle you. That’s all. Get over it. Stop acting like the guy raped and murdered your family. This isn’t Death Wish. You are not Charles Bronson.

Thirdly, let’s wind up for a potential cockpunch for the two announcers that do the radio play-by-play for the Bengals, Brad Johansen and Dave Lapham. If you’ve ever had the immense displeasure of hearing their amateurish and ear-splitting scream-fest that they have the unmitigated nerve to call a sportscast, then you know what I mean. These two morons make me and Dino sound like polished professionals. Hey fellas: save the histrionics for the cheap seats.
SEAHAGS RIP GIANTS; SHOCKEY RE-INSERTS FOOT INTO MOUTH
In what seemed to be a bitter, drunken rage (and after that Giants game in Seattle, who can blame him if he’d had a couple of pops?), Jints TE Jeremy Shockey laid into head coach Tom Coughlin. As a Giants fan, I agree with everything he said. And also as a Giants fan, I wish he’d shut the hell up. I’m sure there’s going to be plenty of blame and angst and finger-point over the next couple of weeks. Does Shockey really need to add to it?
The Giants have a bye week over which they can ponder the many and varied ways that they pissed away all the good feeling and promise from their incredible rally in Philadelphia last week. For the second straight week, Big Blue went on the road and let another team jump out to an absurdly huge lead. But this time, it was a team with a running game.

The Giants showed a little punch, I guess, by rallying back to make it close. But letâ??s not kid ourselves â?? the Giants were done at the end of the first quarter. Everyone knew it.

This is going to be a rollercoaster year for the Giants, and I won’t be surprised if they go off the tracks. When Matt Hasslebeck can throw five TD passes against your defense, your team is in sorry shape.
And now, what do I have for my Monday Night treat? Super Bowl 40-and-a-half, wi the Gala Re-Opening of the Super Dome where the 2-0 yet amazingly subpar Saints will take on equally undefeated and slightly-better-than-average Falcons and their bush-league college offense.

Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

Yup. It’s been a bad weekend.

–Benglish

Starved for more T.O. talk? Benglish and Dino square off on the issue, and Dino gives a Dallas fan’s take on the hamstring boy’s latest antics.

You’ll also hear our first two media cockpunches as Skip Bayless and Bryant Gumbel feel the wrath of The Armchair Quarterbacks.

And of course, there’s the obligatory division-by-division rundown of the entire league as we give our views of how each team will fare in ‘06. It’s more fun than you could ever hope for in a show that you probably downloaded by accident.

Weâ??re football fans. The NBA? Donâ??t care. The so-called “thrill” of March Madness? Nope. Not for us. Like crazed meth-heads in need of a fix, weâ??re the kind of guys that Tivo NFL Europe games to see how our favorite teamâ??s third string QB is making out in Amsterdam. Weâ??re the kind of guys that are tuned into the NFL Network at 2 a.m. watching Super Bowl highlight packages from the 80s. Guys like us are the reason Mel Kiper, Jr. has a job.

Weâ??re football fans. Just like you. When weâ??re in the same room, we talk about football. Yeah, we talk about other things: movies, work, food, jokes, TV, women. But mostly, we talk football. And we listen to football talk, too. On the radio, and on podcasts. And we think weâ??re just as funny as a lot of whatâ??s out there. And we know just as much about football. And even though weâ??re football fans like you, thereâ??s one critical difference: we have mics. So we decided to start a podcast.

Weâ??re football fans. Not experts. Not jocks. Not sportswriters. Sure, weâ??re more than casual fans. But weâ??re not psychos, either. We live and die by our teams. But when it comes to things like league politics, the intricacies of agent deals, contract disputes, the finer points of the CBA, the latest TV deal, revenue sharing â?¦ who cares? Not us. Will we comment on that stuff? Probably. But weâ??re not going dwell on it. You get enough of that on sports talk radio, in excruciating detail. Over and over and over again.

Weâ??re football fans. We know there are some amazing NFL websites out there. We read them. Weâ??ll talk about them. Weâ??ll recommend them. Weâ??ve got a lot of respect for those guys. But weâ??re not those guys. Neither of us have any intention of burning vacation days to go to training camp. We have day jobs; weâ??d like to keep them.

Weâ??re football fans. And so, because we know just as much about football as you do, and because we think weâ??re funny, we decided to do what we hope will be an entertaining football podcast and blog called The Armchair Quarterbacks. We hope youâ??ll like it. We hope youâ??ll subscribe to the podcast. We hope that youâ??ll bookmark our blog. We hope youâ??ll write posts on our blog, and vote in our reader polls. We hope youâ??ll tell your friends to listen. We hope youâ??ll post a link to our site on your site. But most of all, we hope that our favorite teams beat the fuck out of your favorite teams this season.

After all â?¦ weâ??re football fans.