Editor’s note: We previously covered how to give criticism like a man. But it’s equally to know how to render effective praise. So today Tom Cox is going to gives us a primer on how to do so.

Tom Cox is a consultant, author and speaker based in Beaverton, Oregon.  He has worked in nearly every private sector industry as well as the public sector, improving any process that involves people. His weekly radio program “Tom on Leadership” is here and his blog is here.

One of the most powerful forms of human communications is praise. We are surrounded by opportunities to use it — in teamwork, in the workplace, in family life, in volunteering, even in dog training — and when we do it well, it works wonders.

Effective praise can permanently raise someone’s performance. It can dramatically alter someone’s self-image, or even the trajectory of their life. At the very least, it can make their day better.

At the same time, wrong praise at the wrong time, in the wrong manner, can be worse than useless — it can be devastating.

Master a few basic concepts, and you can give truly effective praise every time — you can praise like a man.

Phase 1: Basic Praise

At the very least, your praise should always include these three elements:

• The name of the person you are praising
• The specific thing you saw them do, and where and when
• Sincerity

Their name – you should always address a person by their name because it conveys respect. The sweetest word in most people’s ears is the sound of their own name. And, if you address me by my name, it means you know my name — it means you’ve noticed me. One of the great cravings of the human soul is to be noticed. If you start any sentence with someone’s name, you’re starting off on the right foot.

The specifics – if your praise is vague, it can sound insincere. As you start to praise more, you will frequently encounter people resisting your praise — they will say “it was nothing” or “I was just doing my job.” And maybe, deep down, they don’t think they deserve praise, or perhaps they suspect you are trying to manipulate them. If you are extremely specific, you can bypass that resistance and earn their trust.

Contrast these two statements:

“Hey, good job yesterday.”

Versus

“Hey Jim, I was really impressed with you yesterday — I noticed at three o’clock you had that huge stack of orders to handle, and when I was back at four you had finished all of them. That was some great work.”

If Jim is having a hard time accepting praise, the first statement is unlikely to be effective. The second statement, however, demonstrates to Jim three things: that you know his name, that you saw and noticed what he was up to, and that you have a positive opinion of what he did. By anchoring your praise with the specific time and place and other details, you can help Jim give himself permission to believe you.

Sincerity – you should only ever give praise that you actually mean. Unearned praise is mere flattery. A real man doesn’t manipulate people’s emotions, or use false or empty praise. Think about a  time you earned the praise of somebody you respected. You valued that praise because you valued the opinion of the person giving it. And, you valued that praise because you trusted the sincerity of the person giving it.

As you grow in manliness, you will increasingly become the kind of person whose opinion is valued by others. And your good opinion will be valued in direct proportion to how much your listener respects you, and believes you. (Never try to fake sincerity — the worst thing that might happen is, you succeed and get good at it, undermining your integrity, the foundation of true manliness.)

As I teach people how to give effective praise, this aspect of sincerity can be a real stumbling block. If it is, respect it. Become more mindful. When you are mindful enough to notice that you are struggling with sincerity, you are also mindful enough to start to develop some true sincerity. Contemplate the person whom you would like to praise. Open yourself up to noticing what it is they are doing right. Open yourself up to feeling a true sense of appreciation for what they’re doing. Once you’re in touch with that true sense of appreciation, you can voice it with sincerity.

And when you praise, you are making a statement about right and wrong. You can only give sincere praise for good work if you know what good work is. You can only praise someone for taking the right path, when you know which path is right. A real man knows right from wrong, and is not afraid to champion the right.  Effective praise is a gentle and effective way to champion the right.

Phase 2: Advanced Praise

Once you are starting to get good at normal praise, you can move on to a more advanced form. This is where effective praise can truly become life-changing.

Before you voice your positive comments, stop and ask yourself “What is the positive character trait that must exist inside that person for them to have exhibited this behavior?”

This is always the hardest thing I teach about praise, so give it some respect. In workshops, I will distribute a list of over 100 positive character traits, and give everyone time to browse through it to find one that fits the circumstance. It may be useful for you to have a thesaurus handy. A positive character trait can be anything from honesty to compassion, from hard-working to having a positive attitude, from being customer focused to being a team player.

Once you have identified the positive character trait that brought about the positive behavior that you witnessed, you add that character trait to the end of your praise:

“Hey Jim, I was really impressed with you yesterday — I noticed at three o’clock you had that huge stack of orders to handle, and when I was back at four you had finished all of them. That was some great work — you were really focused. I like being on the team with somebody who has your kind of focus.”

Several things will happen. If the person is inclined to resist, they may resist more strongly. If your details are not specific enough, they may not believe you. And if you lack sincerity, they will sense it immediately, and they will feel betrayed or manipulated. However, if you have done everything right, if you have been observant, if you are right with the details, if you are sincere, then what you are doing is providing them a glimpse of their best self through your eyes.

I truly believe that none of us will consistently behave in ways that are fundamentally at odds with our own self-image.  Everyone’s behavior will tend to normalize — to cluster around — the behavior that they expect from themselves. When you truly, and with sincerity, give someone advanced praise, you are giving them the opportunity to upgrade their self-image.

Maybe Jim never thought of himself as being particularly focused. Maybe he even thought he was weak in that area. You, however, with your own eyes saw him behave in a highly focused way. When you share that with him, and you give it the name “focus,” he almost has no choice. You’ve shown the evidence, and you’re speaking with sincerity.  At some level, he has to accept at least the possibility that he is a focused person, or that he is capable of behaving in a focused way. When he got up that morning, he didn’t think of himself that way. Now, because of your praise, he can see himself standing with a large “F” on his chest — he is Focused Man.

It is hard to overstate how transformational this can be. Under the right circumstances, the right word of praise and encouragement, spoken into the ear of someone who needs it and is ready, can unlock their human potential.

A Warning

Because praise is powerful, it is also dangerous. If you give someone praise that they truly don’t think they deserve, they can feel worse than if you’d said nothing, and they can even start to think that you are clueless. Similarly, if someone is convinced they did good job and you criticize or nitpick, that can be profoundly demoralizing.

So, be careful, and practice. A real man can handle power with responsibility. As you continue to grow in manliness, you will find effective praise comes easily to your lips and honestly from your heart.

• How to Give and Take Criticism like a Man
• How To Jump Start a Car
• The Virtuous Life: Sincerity
• 30 Days to a Better Man-Day 3: Find a Mentor
• It’s Time For a “Menaissance”

July is going to be an exciting month for AoM. We’ve got some killer content lined up, we’ll be launching a kick-a line of new AoM t-shirts designed by the good folks at TankFarm, and we’ll be giving the site a face lift so it loads faster and is more user friendly. Stay tuned!

Let’s take a look at June’s most popular posts.

5 Classic Cocktails Every Man Should Know

How to Tie a Tie

15 Manly Smells

The Essential Man’s Adventure Library: Fiction Edition

7 Basic Knots Every Man Should Know

The Gentleman’s Guide to Umbrellas

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• The Best of Art of Manliness: May 2009
• The Best of Art of Manliness: June 2008
• Best of Art of Manliness, March 2008
• The Best of Art of Manliness: March 2009
• The Best of The Art of Manliness: August 2008

Find the girl who is the “one.” Check.   Ask her father for her hand in marriage. Check.  Plan the perfect proposal. Check. Buy engagement ring. Hmmmm…..  Buying an engagement ring can be an overwhelming task. There’s a lot of pressure on this purchase. It’s a symbol of your love for your girlfriend, and it’s a token of your willingness to take the relationship to the next level. Plus, it doesn’t help that your fiance will be showing off the ring to her friends and family.

For many men, the purchase of their lady’s engagement ring will be their first experience in the the wild world of jewelry. When they walk into a jewelry store they’re inundated with terms and concepts that they’ve never heard before. Tiffany setting? Inclusions? Eternity band? What the wha?

Never fear. We’ve put toghether the ultimate guide to help you purchase an engagement ring that your girlfriend will flip over. Let’s get started.

Establish Your Budget

First thing you’ll need to do before you step into a jewelry store is establish a budget. It will help the jeweler show you options that are in your price range. Keep in mind that like buying a car, the price of an engagement ring can often be negotiated.

You may have heard that a man is supposed to spend 2 months salary on an engagement ring. This is crap. Hoping to cash in on retuning GI’s itch to get hitched, this “rule” was invented whole cloth as part of a crafty ad campaign by the DeBeers company during the 1940’s. But there’s nothing romantic about going into major debt. Buy the nicest ring that you can afford. In the end, it’s not the amount of money you spend on an engagement ring that matters, but rather the thought that goes into purchasing it. Many women would rather start your life together debt-free or use the money for a sweet honeymoon than have you blow all your savings on some rock.

If you want to propose, don’t delay because you can’t afford a better ring. The ring is supposed to be a symbol of your love, and what does it say about your love that you’re willing to postpone your marriage to buy a better rock? A humble ring will be a memory of that hard-scrabble time when you two were young. You can always get her a nicer ring  for an anniversary present somewhere down the line.

Make It a Surprise

The jeweler I talked to noted that he’s been seeing more and more men coming in with their girlfriends to pick out a ring. While letting your wife-to-be pick out the ring she wants will ensure that the ring fits and that she likes it, you’re denying yourself a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to show how  thoughtful and romantic you are. Imagine the look of surprise your girlfriend will have when 1) you propose to her, 2) the ring fits, and 3) the ring you picked is exactly what she wanted.

If you can successfully pull off this trifecta of surprises, you will be the subject of envious conversations among your girlfriend’s social circle, your future mother-in-law will say you’re a catch, and men around you will silently acknowledge your achievement. Making the engagement ring a surprise will take some work, but it’s well worth the investment.

This is not to say that surprising her is the only way to go. Some women will insist that they go along with you to pick out the ring. If you’re like me, your wife will already have the engagement ring she wants in her possession. It was an heirloom from her great-grandmother. I just had to pick the ring up from her mom’s house. Just do what you and your girlfriend think is best.

Find Out Her Ring Size

This where a lot of men screw up in the purchasing process. They’ll have the perfect ring picked out, but they get the wrong size ring for their girlfriend’s finger. When they get down on one knee and attempt to slide the ring on their lady’s finger, it doesn’t fit and awkwardness ensues.

If you get the wrong size ring, all isn’t lost. You’ll just have to take the ring back to the jeweler and fork over some more money to get it properly fitted. But it’s best to avoid the cost and the potential embarrassment at proposing time by making sure the ring you pick is the right size.

The best way to get your girlfriend’s ring size is to get a ring that she isn’t wearing and bring it to the jeweler to be measured. If you want to maintain the surprise factor, you’ll have to be sneaky about this. Swipe a ring from her jewelry box while she’s getting ready in the bathroom or recruit one of her friends to pocket a ring while she’s over her house. Try to swipe a ring that you don’t see her wearing very much; she’ll be less likely to notice its absence.

Research Her Style

You want to pick a ring that fits your woman’s unique style and preferences. Getting a ring that she’s over the moon for will score you romance points that will last a lifetime.

Again, because of the clandestine nature of the engagement proposal, you’re going to have to harness your inner James Bond for this style reconnaissance. When you’re with your girlfriend, take note of the type of jewelry she wears. Does she wear a lot of gold? Maybe she’s a silver or platinum woman. Perhaps there’s a particular stone she wears a lot, like her birthstone, that she’d like more than a diamond. Does she like simple, understated pieces? Or does she favor the big, glitzy variety? Think about her personality; is she an outgoing girl who you know is going to want to show off her ring to everyone she meets? Then go for something big and sparkly. Is she an earthy woman, who doesn’t wear much jewelry at all? Look for rings that are simple, yet beautiful.

Another way to get a feel for her engagement ring preferences is to take her right into a jewelry store. The key to this is to go under another pretext. Tell her you need to go to the mall to look for some new shoes and that you’d like her to come along. When you’re walking to the department store, go past a Helzberg Jewelry store and say, “Hey, I want to stop and look at some watches.” While you’re busy pretending to be interested in the Omegas, dimes to donuts your gal will be looking at the rings. Look at what she’s gazing at. Make a mental note of it. Say something casual like, “That’s a nice one,” and gage her reaction. Go back to looking at watches. Leave. Mission accomplished.

Pick The Engagement Ring Band

You have a variety of metals to choose from for the engagement ring’s band. The most common include yellow gold, rose gold, white gold, platinum, and silver. You can even do a mix of different types of metals.

Each metal has their advantage and disadvantages. For example, platinum is an extremely durable metal and will last a long time. However, it dulls much more quickly than gold, and it’s harder to bring back the initial luster it once had.

Gold, on the other hand, is  shinier than platinum, and because it’s a soft metal, it’s easier to buff and polish it to get back the ring’s original luster. Gold’s advantage over platinum is also its weakness. Because it’s a soft metal, gold wears down faster. In about 15 to 20 years, the engagement ring may have to be reshanked because it’s worn too thin.

While you may be interested in the durability of the engagement ring band, your future wife  is probably more interested in the way it looks. Right now, silver-looking engagement rings are the most popular. If your lady is a woman who stays on top of the latest fashion trends, go with a platinum or white gold band.

If she’s more of a classic type of gal, go with the traditional yellow gold band.

Selecting a Quality Diamond: The Four C’s

So you’ve selected a band. We now move to the focal point of most engagement rings: the diamond. For many men, purchasing a diamond can seem like a daunting task, but with a bit of knowledge, you can walk  out of a jewelry store with a stone your fiancee will be dying to show off to her friends.

When selecting a diamond, you’ll want to take into account the “4 C’s:” cut, color, clarity, and carat weight. All four of these factors determine the quality and cost of the diamond.

Cut. Cut doesn’t refer to the shape of the diamond, but rather the angles and proportions of the stone. While nature determines the other three C’s, the diamond’s cut is determined by a cutter. A well cut diamond reflects light from one facet to another and projects the light through the top of the stone. This is what gives a diamond its sparkle. Diamonds that are cut too deep or too shallow leak light through the bottom or the side of the stone, resulting in a lackluster appearance.

Out of all the four C’s, cut is the most important. Even if you have the perfect color, clarity, and carat, if the cut isn’t right, the diamond won’t have that fiery brilliance that your fiancé will show off to her friends.

Color. To many men’s surprise, diamonds come in a variety of colors. Diamond color is graded on a scale that ranges from D (colorless) to Z (light yellow). Truly colorless diamonds are the most rare and most expensive. White color diamonds are the most popular. But when it gets down to it, diamond color is all about preference. Look back at your notes from your ring reconnaissance to see what your lady prefers.

Clarity. The fewer imperfections a diamond has, the more clear, and consequently, more expensive it is. When the jeweler starts discussing the clarity of the diamond, he or she will probably mention the diamond’s “inclusions.” Inclusions are other minerals or tiny fractures in the diamond. The fewer inclusions the better.

Like color, clarity is measured on a scale. SI1 and SI2 are slightly included but you won’t be able to see the imperfection with the naked eye. Try to find a diamond in this range.

When looking at a diamond, avoid stones with inclusions on the top and in the middle, as this can impact the dispersion of light, making it less brilliant.

Carat Weight. Carat refers to the weight of a diamond. The heavier the stone, the more you’re going to pay. However, there’s no need to get to caught up on the carat weight. Through proper mounting and shaping, a master jeweler can make a diamond appear larger than its carat weight might suggest.

Selecting the Diamond Shape

In addition to the four C’s, you’ll also want to take into consideration a diamond’s shape. The shape of the diamond is all a matter of your girlfriend’s preference.  Below, we list a few of the possible shapes you can get a diamond in:

Round

A round diamond is the classic and timeless diamond shape.

Princess

The Princess is a square diamond and is the most popular shape for engagement rings right now.

Pear

Oval

Heart

Choose the Setting

A ring’s “setting” refers to the way in which the diamond is placed on the the ring. Like everything else with an engagement ring, which setting you pick depends a lot on your girlfriend’s preferences. You can actually create combinations of different settings if you want. Here’s a quick primer on the different types of settings, so you’re not completely clueless when you walk into the jewelry store.

Tiffany setting

Introduced by the jewelry company that bears the name. It’s a timeless and classic look.

Eternity band

Instead of a single diamond, an eternity band has diamonds that go all around the ring.

Bezel setting

A metal rim that encircles the sides of the stone and extends slightly above it. The rim can stretch around the diamond’s entire circumference or around only a portion of it. A bezel setting holds a diamond securely, and the low, protective profile it creates makes a bezel setting a good choice for women with active lifestyles.

Channel setting

In a channel setting, the diamond or diamonds are placed into a metal channel. It can be used as an accent to a main diamond that’s set on a prong.

Pave’ (pronounced Pa Vay)

This setting consists of lots of diamonds placed close together.

Alternatives to Buying a Diamond Ring

Most women want a traditional diamond ring. But not all do. After all, the idea that engagement rings must be diamond rings is a modern invention, a marketing ploy by the DeBeers company. Diamonds are not in fact rare or special. They are expensive merely because the DeBeers cartel has succeeded in controlling both supply and demand. Not wanting the diamonds to ever be resold, and needing people to buy the heaps of diamonds they were sitting on, they sought to  imbue the jewels with romantic meaning and social status. Launching a full-press campaign in 1938, the company sought to convince Americans that “A diamond is forever” and the only acceptable way to express your love. In reviewing their advertising strategy in 1951, the DeBeers ad agency noted:

“The millions of brides and brides-to-be are subjected to at least two important pressures that work against the diamond engagement ring. Among the more prosperous, there is the sophisticated urge to be different as a means of being smart…. the lower-income groups would like to show more for the money than they can find in the diamond they can afford… It is essential that these pressures be met by the constant publicity to show that only the diamond is everywhere accepted and recognized as the symbol of betrothal.”

And so it was that DeBeers succeeded beyond their wildest dreams in convincing  both men and women that the size of the diamond was directly proportional to the intensity of their love. Rather crass when you take  step back, isn’t it? Today a man may sometimes postpone his proposal until he can afford a proper diamond ring. All because of an ad campaign.

So why not break the mold and buy something else? How about her birthstone or some other colored gem that reminds you of her? Of course, if you are going to bust out something other than a diamond when you propose, you better be damn sure that your girl is okay with it. A lot of women have been dreaming of a diamond ring, and their heart will sink when you open the jewelry box to reveal a ruby. So check with her first.

If you’re just generally not keen on blowing a big wad of cash on a ring, ask both sides of the family if there is an heirloom that could be passed on. As I mentioned above, Kate’s mother-in-law gave me her great-grandmother’s ring. It fit like a charm, Kate loves that it has some history, and we were both giddy that we got it for free.

Insuring the Engagement Ring

An engagement ring is both a financial and sentimental investment. Because of this huge investment of money and emotion, it might be a good idea to insure your girlfriend’s engagement ring in case it’s ever lost, stolen, or damaged. Even if you and your wife decide not to replace the ring, you can at least take the cash and go on a romantic getaway. You have a few options when you insure an engagement ring:

Homeowner’s/Renter’s Insurance. Many homeowner’s/renter’s insurance policies allow you to add the value of expensive items, like jewelry, to your coverage. However, make sure to check the policy to see what is actually covered. Often homeowner’s/renter’s insurance will only cover an engagement ring if it was stolen or damaged by tornado or fires. If your wife loses her ring while cleaning the toilet, you’ll probably be out of luck with this option.

Actual Value Policies. An actual value insurance policy will pay you the value of the ring minus its depreciation from use.  So, say if the ring you bought cost $2,000 and your wife loses it five years after you tied the knot, the insurance company may only pay you $1,500, taking into account the five years of wear and tear on the ring. Because actual value insurance policies don’t pay back the full value of the ring, they’re the least expensive option.

Replacement Insurance Policies. This policy will refund to you the market value of the ring you bought. So if you bought an engagement ring with a gold band and a diamond that was cut perfectly and had impeccable clarity, the insurance company will pay you the current going price for a ring like that.  This could mean you’ll get more money than what you originally paid on the ring due to the appreciation of gold and diamond prices.

Your jeweler should be able to lead you to some reputable insurance companies. The Chubb Group and Jewelers Mutual are two such companies.

The Engagement’s Off. Can I Get My Ring Back?

Sadly, not all engagements work out. Perhaps it was the stress of picking out dishes for your new home, or maybe your fiancee gives you the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. However it ends, there will be one issue that you’ll have to resolve before you and your former true love go your separate ways: ownership of the ring.

United States contract and property law states that an engagement ring is a “conditional gift,” meaning the ring becomes the irrevocable property of your girlfriend on the condition that she actually marries you. If the engagement is called off and you don’t get married, you have a legal right to demand the ring back. In most states it doesn’t matter who broke off the engagement. It could be her or even you. As long as the engagement is broken off, you have a legal right to the ring. But some states will look to who actually called off the engagement to determine who gets the ring. If it was you, and you live in an “at fault” state, you could be out a couple thousand dollars.

Be careful about proposing around Christmas or her birthday, though. A vindictive ex-fiancee could argue that the ring wasn’t actually a “conditional gift,” but rather a normal holiday gift that becomes irrevocable once you delivered it to her. I’m not sure how successful she’d be with this argument, but it never hurts to be too careful.

Thanks to the folks at Vincent Anthony Jewelry in Tulsa, OK for taking the time to answer some of my engagement ring questions.

Have any other engagement ring advice? Drop a line in the comment box!

• The Perfect Hat For Your Ugly Mug
• How To Sharpen a Pocket Knife
• How To Properly Rock A Pocket Square
• How To Score a Baseball Game With Pencil and Paper
• Lessons in Unmanliness: Willy Loman

During the month of June 2009, The Art of Manliness ran a series of posts called “30 Days to a Better Man.” Each day we created a task for Art of Manliness readers to complete that would help them improve in different facets of their lives such as relationships, fitness and health, career, and personal finances.

We also had a very active Better Man Community Group where participants reported in how they did on the task and gave suggestions and encouragement to other members. Over all, I was very happy with the project and feel that lots of men got something out of it.

Below, we’ve created a summary of the entire month’s tasks, with links to each individual day. If you started the challenge late or you’re a new reader, this list will help you navigate through each day’s tasks.

Also, at the recommendation of several readers, I’m working on putting this series into a well polished PDF eBook. That way you can have the tasks all in one place that’s formatted for easy reading.  You can even print it off so you can read it on the John.

Thanks to everyone who participated!

Day 1: Define Your Core Values

Day 2: Shine Your Shoes

Day 3: Find a Mentor

Day 4: Increase Your Testosterone

Day 5: Cultivate Your Gratitude

Day 6: Update Your Resume

Day 7: Reconnect with an Old Friend

Day 8: Start a Journal

Day 9: Take a Woman on a Date

Day 10: Memorize “If”

Day 11: Give Yourself a Testicular Exam

Day 12: Create Your Bucket List

Day 13: Declutter Your Life

Day 14: Write a Letter to Your Father

Day 15: Make a Meal

Day 16: Create a Budget

Day 17: Talk to 3 Strangers

Day 18: Find Your N.U.T.s

Day 19: Schedule a Physical Exam

Day 20: Perform Service

Day 21: Write Your Own Eulogy

Day 22: Improve Your Posture

Day 23: Learn a Manual Skill

Day 24: Play!

Day 25: Start a Debt Reduction Plan

Day 26: Take the Marine Corps Fitness Test

Day 27: Start a Book

Day 28: Write a Love Letter

Day 29: Conquer a Fear

Day 30: Get a Straight Razor Shave

• 30 Days to a Better Man Day 11: Give Yourself a Testicular Exam
• Weekly Link Round-Up: Week 2 of 30 Days to a Better Man
• Announcing the 30 Days to a Better Man Project
• 30 Days to a Better Man Day 14: Write a Letter to Your Father
• 30 Days to a Better Man Day 12: Create Your Bucket List

Editor’s Note: Every now and then, we feature an excellent blog post that was originally posted in The Art of Manliness Community by a community member. Today we’re featuring an article from one of our most prolific community members, Will. Thanks for the great write up, Will!

If you’re thinking about learning a handy skill, making bookshelves as one of the most practical and satisfying to tackle. Every man has a desire to make some furniture that will be used in his home day after day. And bookshelves are a great introduction to this craft.

I recently undertook a project to build cheap, sturdy bookshelves that would not fall over, and decided to write-up the results. I am not an expert; don’t sue me if yours do fall over. But I’m not worried about mine. (I did take the precaution of putting very heavy stuff on the bottom shelf. Nothing will save a top-heavy structure from falling over — nothing but an L-bracket, anyway, and I don’t think I need one.)

These instructions show you how to make a 5-shelf set, 8 feet wide and 2 feet deep.

Tools:

• hammer
• power drill, with bits and a Phillips’-head attachment
• Skil saw
• chalk line
• jigsaw (maybe; see below)
• sawhorses, work table, or both
• safety equipment: ear protectors, goggles, etc.

Materials:

• Elmer’s glue
• 3″ wood screws
• 3/4″ wire nails. These are for connecting the plywood shelves to their 1×2 supports. Heavier nails would split the board, and lighter ones wouldn’t connect firmly. I erred too far on the lighter side, and they don’t hold well — but since the weight is on them, it’s not a big issue
• 4-penny, 1 1/2″ nails (I think)
• 8-penny (2 1/2″) nails

Note that the nail and screw sizes aren’t set — I used what I had, mostly. I used 3/4″ wire nails for attaching 1×2’s to plywood, because the bigger ones split the boards. (AoM member David Hawkins suggested smaller ones, and also banging the point of the nail on something hard to blunt it, to reduce this.) 3/4″ was maybe a little too small, because they don’t hold firmly. Still, since the weight pushes the plywood onto the 1×2, it doesn’t matter much.

Wood

I used the cheapest wood they had:

• (4) 4′x4′ plywood, 1/4″ thick. That’s 1 per 2′ shelf. I made two of the shelves only 1′ deep, so together they took only 1 4′x4′ piece between them.

I tried to get unwarped pieces, but that isn’t easy. As it turned out, much of it was very warped. It doesn’t matter if you handle it right (below).

• (6) 8′ 2×3’s. These are the vertical supports.
• (10) 8′ 2×2’s. These are the front and back supports for the five shelves
• …and 3 more 8′ 2×2’s, to make two approximately 2′ connectors between front and back, one at each end.
• (8) 8′ 1×2’s. I put 6 2′ 1×2’s under each shelf (even the ones only 1′ deep) as supports. That makes 30 2′ pieces, or 60′, so that’s (6) 8′ pieces (64″). Better get 2 more to make the diagonals that give the frame rigidity.

…and you will go back to the hardware store. It’s a fact of life! If they take things back no questions asked, like Lowe’s, it’s no problem if you buy too much.

Be sure and measure everything yourself rather than assuming my measurements will work.
(Especially if you’re in a metric world –!) I found that my 2×2’s were actually 1 1/2″ thick, say, and the 1×2’s were 3/4″ thick, but I don’t know if this is guaranteed. (When you start cutting, very little is!)

Planning the shelves

How many do you want, and how tall? I wanted to be sure they’d fit in the door, in case I ever wanted to move them; so they had to be under 82″. I had some plastic baskets and boxes to fit in that were 18″. So I decided on 5 shelves: 18″, 17″, 12″, 10″, and whatever clearance was left for the top shelf. The diagram I drew is below.

Since each shelf is 1″ thick (1/4″ plywood, plus a 1×2 layer underneath that was 3/4″ thick), the heights inside the frame need to be 1″ more than the height you want in the shelves.

Note that although the 2×3’s at the end are whole, the ones in the middle are sawed into smaller lengths that rest on the horizontal 2×2’s. I didn’t want to weaken the horizontal 2×2’s by cutting them, and this method should still supply vertical support in the middle.

If I’d had a table saw, I would have cut gaps in the vertical supports so the horizontal supports could rest inside them (see the picture on the right); but I didn’t, so I cut things as shown above.

Dealing with warp

You can’t expect wood this thickness not to be warped. So I dealt with warped supports as follows:

• I identified the warp by looking along the length of the board. It may be twisted (one end is rotated relative to the other) or it may be bowed (the middle isn’t in a straight line with the ends).
• The more twisted 2×2’s I cut into the small lengths to connect front and back frames. Shorter boards don’t have enough length to be as warped.
• The most bowed I put on the bottom, with the bow facing up, so that the weight on the shelf could force it flat. I figured that the most weight would go on the bottom shelves, so the most warped 2×2’s went on the bottom.

Similarly, when I built the plywood shelves, I made sure the bow was facing up (if not, I’d have some silly looking shelves), and tried to put the worst ones on the bottom.

My 2×3’s weren’t noticeably warped, but if they had been, I’d have used the worst for the middle support, which is cut into shorter lengths.

Building the front and back frames

I sawed the lengths that you saw in the diagram above. I did find that the shelves tended to be just a little higher than I expected (I probably should have noted that you can’t fit boards perfectly together), so the top shelf was a little under its desired 9″; but that was OK by me. If not, I could have cut the middle supports a little shorter.

To connect the horizontal supports to the vertical end supports, I used 3″ wood screws. (Nails were not sufficient: banging one board in loosened the one I’d just done — and these are the joints that must be strong!) I drilled a hole in the 2×3 straight to where the horizontal 2×2 was going; did this for each joint. Then I put a little Elmer’s glue in the joint and put in the screw using a power drill with a Phillips’-head attachment.

To connect the middle supports, I used nails. The top and bottom supports I put in first — 2 nails per joint, because if it’s only 1, the support can spin on an axis of its 2 nails! For middle joints, half the time the only option was to put the nails in at an angle, as below. Every joint gets glued. (I glued every joint I made in the entire frame, for strength.)

Shelves

Each shelf is actually two halves: the left and the right half. To make it, I just sawed the 4′x4′ plywood right down the middle. To make the 1′ deep shelves, I sawed one of the resulting 2′x4′ pieces lengthwise.
To cut it straight, I used a chalk line.

Here’s a diagram of a 2′-wide half-shelf, as seen from the bottom. I’m showing the right half: the holes cut for the exterior 2×3 supports are on the exterior end (since this is upside down, that’s on the left), and the holes for the middle supports are on the interior end. Since the left and right shelves share a gap
for the middle supports, that gap only needs to be half as wide. The left half-shelf is a mirror image of this one.

The 1×2 supports are one in the middle and one at each end. They don’t need to be flush with the end, but should be close.

Here’s a 1′-deep shelf:

The top shelves are just like the other 2′ shelves, except that I didn’t have to cut out a place for the vertical supports.

Bracing everything

There have to be diagonals on each plane, to prevent the rectangle from becoming a parallelogram and folding!

Here’s my front (as seen from the back, so you can see how the diagonal fits onto the horizontal support) and then my back (as seen from the front). The diagonals are not of a particular length; I eyeballed them. They’re about 6″-10″.

Where possible without causing anything to stick out of the frame, I left the diagonal’s end flat and nailed it onto the surface it was to connect to. But often I needed to cut at 45 degrees, as shown. I eyeballed it.

All joints are glued and then nailed with approx 1 1/2″ nails.

Here’s the back. It seemed a little stronger to put the diagonals on the very bottom.

This did lead to a complication, though: the bottom shelves no longer fit into their places! The diagonal was in the way. Also, putting it in place required an even bigger hole than was needed just for the diagonal to fit through. I used a jigsaw to cut the hole as shown. (Remember, this is the right half
of the shelf — the left half would be a mirror image.) The cut needed to be at least 1 1/2″
deep (for the 2×2) + 3/4″ deep (for the diagonal 1×2) = 2 1/4″; so I made it 2 1/2″ deep. (No need to make the shelves fit tight.)

If I hadn’t had a jigsaw, I could have just cut 2 1/2″ off the back
with the Skil saw:

Putting the frames together

When the frames felt sturdy (and they did), I screwed them together with wood screws and 2×2s at each end. Each 2×2 was at the same level as the horizontal 2×2 shelf supports, and was 2′ minus two times the longer width of a 2×3 = 19″ long.

These also were braced by 2 pairs of diagonals, near the top and the bottom, done as before, on the sides.

Finally, the frame got a pair of diagonals flat under the bottom shelf, and another pair under one of the upper shelves, to brace it in the one remaining direction.

Putting it all together

Finally, I moved the frame into place, and set the shelves onto their supports, going bottom to top. They are not nailed on. I don’t think they’re going anywhere.

What I’d do differently

It’s a little wobbly front to back. I probably should have put more diagonal bracing in that direction. I still may.

…and I don’t want to suggest that it all went as smoothly as I presented it. I omitted the false starts to
prevent confusion.

What you can do for me

If you’re inexperienced, and I didn’t explain something, let me know.

If you’re experienced, and there’s something else I should have done, especially for stability, please add a comment!

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Image from the Wisconsin Historical Society

At last! We’ve finally made it to the last day of the 30 Days to a Better Man Challenge. It’s been a tough 30 days. Hopefully, the tasks we came up with helped you stretch, grow, and become a better man. Today’s final task will both complete this process and reward your efforts during the past month. Today’s challenge is to get an old fashioned straight razor shave from a barber.

Why Get a Straight Razor Shave

It’s relaxing. The straight razor shave is the facial for manly men. The experience is definitely a treat. There’s nothing like a hot towel on your face or the manly fragrance of shaving cream to sap the stress right out of your body. The few times I’ve gotten a straight razor shave, I’ve fallen asleep because it’s so darn relaxing.

It’s manly. When you get a straight razor shave, you can almost feel the testosterone increasing in your body. It feels cool to be taking part in a ritual that thousands of men from history experienced. Plus, in a world where women are pretty much doing everything men are, a straight razor shave is one of the few activities that is still completely and exclusively male.

It’s dangerous. At least it feels that way. There’s nothing like letting another man hold a razor sharp piece of metal to your neck to remind you that you’re alive.

What to Expect from a Straight Razor Shave

Cost. The barbershops that I’ve been to charge $20 for a straight razor shave. Some places will be more and some places may be less. But $20 seems to be the going rate.

The process. The two places I’ve gotten a straight razor shave had a pretty similar process. Here’s how it typically goes. You’ll sit in a cool barber chair, and the barber will tilt it back. He’ll start off putting a nice hot towel around your face to soften up your whiskers. After the first hot towel, some barbers rub cleanser on your face to open up the pores and to make sure your face is nice and clean for a good shave. After that, another hot towel.

Next, they might put some conditioner on your whiskers to soften them up, followed by another hot towel.

Now it’s on to the shaving cream. Most barbers have their own secret recipe for shaving cream that has been passed down for generations. The shaving cream will come from a heated dispenser. It feels really nice on your face.

They’ll then take the razor to your face. Because of health codes, most barbers use disposable straight edge razors as opposed to traditional straight razors. Some men would argue that you’ll notice the difference. Honestly, I haven’t.

After a first pass with the razor, you’ll get another hot towel. Shaving cream is reapplied, and another pass is made.

When the barber is done removing your beard, he’ll give you a cold damp towel to close your pores and then splash on some manly smelling aftershave.

Bada bing! You just got a straight razor shave. You’ll walk out of the barbershop feeling rejuvenated, relaxed, and uber-manly.

Today’s Task: Get a Straight Razor Shave

Today’s task is to get a straight razor shave. Not all barbers do them. So you’ll have to call around to find one that does.

For our bearded brethren, have a professional trim and clean your beard up. I hear some barbers have some nice shampoos designed specifically for beards that smell particularly manly.

Tell us all about your straight razor shave experience in the Community. And if you dug the barber, be sure to add his establishment and your review to our handy Barbershop Locator.

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Following up on our recent look into the world of fictional adventure literature, we now turn to the true life tales of exploration, adventure, and survival against all odds that have inspired countless readers for generations. Unlike their fictional counterparts, these riveting tales of conquests and ill fated journeys are completely true, and stand as a testament to man’s unquenchable desire to seek out the unknown, often against all odds and in the face of unbelievable hardship.
This is not considered a complete list of all the great tales of true life adventure, so please take advantage of the comments section to share what other true life tales of adventure you recommend to your fellow men.

And now, to continue on in the world of high adventure…

Through the Brazilian Wilderness by Theodore Roosevelt

In this astonishing tale of adventure and survival Roosevelt details his participation in the 1913-1914 Roosevelt-Rondon Scientific Expedition, undertaken a year after his failed bid for reelection. The team set out to find the headwaters of the River of Doubt then paddle the river to the Amazon. What was originally intended to be “zoogeographic reconnaissance” soon turned into a tale of survival, with turbulent whitewater and peril around every bend of the river, so much so that it nearly took the life of the “Bull Moose” himself.

South: The Endurance Expedition by Ernest Shackleton

Legendary Antarctic explorer Ernest Shackleton details his own efforts to cross the Antarctic by sled. Adventure tale turns survival story when Shackleton’s ship, Endurance, becomes trapped in the ice, where it would remain for ten months before the hull finally surrendered to the strength of the ice, forcing the men to set out on foot for a distant whaling station.

Into Thin Air: A Personal Account of the Mt. Everest Disaster by Jon Krakauer

Photograph courtesy of Olaf Rieck

A chilling account of the 1996 Mount Everest disaster as told by John Krakauer, author of Into the Wild, who witnessed the tragedy unfold firsthand. The onset of a powerful storm just as multiple teams attempt to summit Everest leads to devastating results, and those on the mountain are pushed to the brink of their endurance to make it out alive.

Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer

The tragic yet inspirational tale of Christopher McCandless, a young college graduate who abandoned a promising future in exchange for a life on the road. Hitchhiking across North America, McCandless eventually reaches his final destination, Alaska, where he aims to survive on his own in the wilderness. Krakauer follows McCandless’s philosophical journey full circle, from rebellious twenty-something who just wants to escape society to man who is fighting for his life and realizes that a life without the company of others is not complete.

“Two years he walks the earth. No phone, no pool, no pets, no cigarettes. Ultimate freedom. An extremist. An aesthetic voyager whose home is the road. Escaped from Atlanta. Thou shalt not return, ’cause “the West is the best.” And now after two rambling years comes the final and greatest adventure. The climactic battle to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage. Ten days and nights of freight trains and hitchhiking bring him to the Great White North. No longer to be poisoned by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild.”

Wind, Sand, and Stars by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Antoine de Saint-Exupery, a French pilot better known for his work The Little Prince, was equal parts adventurer and literary giant. His poetic musings on the life well lived, combined with his recounting of various calamities he and others faced while flying the mail over the Sahara and the Andes mountains, makes this one adventure book no man should be without.

“Nobody grasped you by the shoulder while there was still time. Now the clay of which you were shaped has dried and hardened, and naught in you will ever awaken the sleeping musician, the poet, the astronomer that possibly inhabited you in the beginning.”

The Journals of Lewis and Clark by Meriwether Lewis and William Clark

The report of the first expedition to travel west to the Pacific and return safely, as recorded by the famous expedition leaders. Follow along in this classic account as new species, new peoples, and new worlds are discovered.

Undaunted Courage by Stephen Ambrose

Stephen Ambrose, better known as author of the bestseller turned miniseries Band of Brothers, offers an insightful look into the life and adventures of Meriwether Lewis, co-leader of the Corps of Discovery, also known as the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

Farther Than Any Man: The Rise and Fall of Captain James Cook by Martin Dugard

Captain Cook is most famous for his multiple voyages throughout the South Pacific in the late 18th century, where he made first European contact with many island civilizations, including the discovery of Hawaii. In this thrilling retelling of his life and adventures, Dugard examines Cook’s unequalled rise from peasant to sea captain, followed by his tyrannical turn and eventual demise.

Death in the Long Grass by Peter Hathaway Capstick

In this, his first book, Capstick shows us why he became a legend in the world of big game hunting. Capstick makes a field of ten foot high grass (and the angry fauna that no doubt reside there) the most terrifying thing on planet earth, but also the most exciting.

“If 12,000 pounds of screaming, screeching, infuriated elephant bearing down on you has somehow rattled your nerves to the point that you miss the six-by-four inch spot on his forehead…then you may as well forget it. The most talented mortuary cosmetician in the world couldn’t rewire you so your own mother would know if you were face up or down.”

The Man Eaters of Tsavo by Colonel Henry Patterson

This is the 1907 account by Lieutenant Colonel John Henry Patterson, who was dispatched to Kenya by the British East Africa Company to build a railway bridge over the Tsavo River. During construction, workers were regularly killed by a pair of man-eating lions later known as the Man Eaters of Tsavo, or as the locals called them, the Ghost and the Darkness. Patterson set out to rid the workers of this threat, and the story is thrilling.

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Unfortunately, fear is not always rational and not always healthy. Thus, our heart races when we’re getting on a plane but not when we’re driving, even though we have a far greater chance of dying while behind the wheel. And while fear works to prevent us from physical pain, it can also hold us back from the chance at both the pain of a crushed ego and the exhilaration of victory and success.

The Manliness of Overcoming Your Fears

Fear is irrational. No one can ever be fully rational in their choices and behavior. But every man should strive to live with reason and ration as his guide. Fear is a primal instinct, not a function of higher brain faculties. When we logically think through our fears, we often find that they have no real rational basis.

Fear is cowardly. We often try to frame our fears in ways that soothe our egos. We say that we’re being prudent or cautious. We say that we haven’t tried simply because it’s not important to us. We say that we’re just a little nervous. But if you want to start overcoming your fears, it’s helpful to call a spade a spade. Don’t say, “I’m not doing this because I’m nervous,” say, “I’m not doing this because I’m a coward.” This is not meant to be harsh; I actually find it quite helpful to frame my internal debate this way. Because who wants to be a coward? A man seeks to be brave and courageous.

Fear robs you of your integrity. Integrity means behaving in a way wholly congruous with your beliefs and values. But when we want to do something and we believe it’s the right thing to do, but we fail to do it because of fear, we violate our core values. Living true to your principles will always involve a healthy measure of overcoming your fears.

Fear pushes you from the driver’s seat. A man is a captain of his own destiny. He makes the choices and chooses the roads that lead him to his goals. A man ruled by fear abdicates his captainship to his fear. He gives his fear the steering wheel. Who is the master of your life, you or your fears?

Fear leaves regrets. A man does not dwell on the past. He learns from it, but never lets it hinder him. Yet if you allow fear to keep you from seizing opportunities that come your way, you will inevitably look back, kick yourself, and wonder why the heck you let fear have its way with you.

Fear slows our personal growth. A man should always be striving to improve himself, to be a little better than he was the day before. But there is no growth without risk.

How to Overcome Our Fears

“Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.” ~ Brendan Francis

We need not live our lives captive to our fears and insecurities. You can, through your will, become the master of your fears.

Change your perspective on fear. Is the pain you experience while working out a negative thing? Or is it just the feeling of your body getting stronger? Fear is only a negative thing if you believe that it is. You can choose to think about it simply as the “pain” your body experiences as your character develops and expands. There is very little growth where there is no pain and work.

Instead of seeing the tackling of our fears as nerve-racking, see it as an adventure. An adventure is anything that takes you out of your comfort zone and into unexplored territory. It can be as grand as an African safari or as basic as talking to a stranger. Conquering a fear, big or small, can be downright thrilling. Every man should try to scare himself a little every day.

Change your perspective on risk. The root of our fear is our fear of trying something and crashing and burning. What if I get rejected? What if I fail? These are short-term risk assessments. Yes, there is a chance that you will fall on your face.  And if you don’t take the risk,  you’re guaranteed not to face failure.

But in making such a calculation, you are leaving out the long-term risk, a risk that’s far riskier than any short term blow to your ego. The long term risk is this: The risk of never amounting to anything. The risk of living a completely mediocre life. The risk of looking back in 10, 20, or 30 years and feeling your stomach turn with regret.

When I was a kid and was afraid to do something, whether it was slide down the water slide backwards or ride a huge roller coaster, I would ask myself this question: “Which choice are you going to regret more? Doing this thing and being scared for a few minutes or not doing it and missing out on the experience and always wondering what it would have been like?” Even my ten year old brain knew the answer.

Remember, when you skip an opportunity because you’re afraid, you’ll never get that moment back. Never.

Finally, we often fear failure and rejection because it hurts to think that we’re not as suave or talented as we had supposed. This is a blow to the ego. But when we don’t act on our fears, we send a message to ourselves that we are in fact cowardly, and this subconsciously wears away our sense of self and will stick with us far after the sting of any failed enterprise has passed.

Maybe it’s time you updated your criteria for risk assessment.

Act courageous. Teddy Roosevelt overcame his fears by acting as if he were not afraid. Do the same.

“There were all kinds of things of which I was afraid of at first, ranging from grizzly bears to “mean” horses and gun-fighters; but by acting as if I was not afraid I gradually ceased to afraid.”

Think about the great men of history. Our own personal fears and challenges can seem overwhelming and insurmountable. But with the proper perspective, they can seem rightfully manageable. The next time you you feel paralyzed by a fear, think of the courageous men of the past. Think of Edmund Hillary ascending Mt. Everest, the Freedom Riders meeting a crowd of angry Klansmen, the astronauts sitting in Apollo 13. You’ll soon think, “Dammit! And here I am unable to make this flippin’ phone call!”

Kill the fear with logic. As we mentioned above, fear is not a rational thing. The solution is thus to kill it with logic. The best way to do this is to ask yourself this question: “If I do this, what is the worst that can happen?”

What’s the worst that could happen if you asked someone out and they said no? You didn’t have a date then, you don’t have a date now. Nothing has changed.

What’s the worst that could happen if you apply for a job and don’t get it? You didn’t have the job before, you don’t have the job now. Nothing has changed.

What’s the worst that can happen if I give a speech at the conference and bomb? No one will ever tell you, and you’ll never know you were bad.

And so on and so on. With almost any scenario the worst that could happen might be temporarily unpleasant, but is infinitely manageable.

Memorize this quote. We’ve already talked about the power of having memorized quotes at your ready disposable. One of the best passages to memorize and recite to yourself when you’re afraid is this one from Theodore Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

There’s no need to feel the fear, just do it. A lot of self-help gurus recommend that you fully feel the fear and go ahead and tackle it anyway. I disagree. Giving the fear wholesale residency in your body is just going to make you get all tense and freaked out. What I find works is acknowledging the fear, but then immediately going for it, even before your brain has time to dwell on what you’re about to do. Just put your brain on cruise control. Check out a little bit and start down a path you can’t return from. Dial that number. Walk into that office. Once you’re in the mix, you’re forced to carry on, and you’ll find that you do indeed have the strength to pull it off.

The men of Easy Company signed up to be paratroopers with only the faintest idea of what jumping out of an airplane entailed. As they donned their packs and climbed into the hull of the plan on their first training flight, some of the men were feeling the fear big time. Others chose not to think about it. When the green light went off, they lined up, stepped to the door and jumped.

Just do it.

Today’s Task: Conquer a Fear

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure.” -Helen Keller

Pick a fear you’ve had for some time. Something you need to do, something you want to do, but you’ve been continually putting off. We think we stay safe by playing it small, but our unconquered fears sit like a weight on our shoulders. They’re there when you wake up and when you go to bed. They keep whispering in your ear that today is the day to go for it, and you keep ignoring the call. The weight of your unconquered fears builds slowly, almost imperceptibly, but it grows each and every day, slowing down your progress and cluttering your mind.

Ask that girl out that you’ve liked for a very long time. Tell your best friend how you really feel about her. Break-up with your girlfriend that you stopped having feelings for months ago. Ask for that raise you deserve. Confess your mistake to your friend or boss. Ask your brother for forgiveness.

Perhaps there are some 30 Days tasks that you haven’t done yet because you’ve been afraid to. Today is the day that the excuses and procrastination absolutely must end. Talk to 3 strangers. Write your dad a letter. Take a woman on a date. Just do it.

Tell us what your fear was and how you conquered it in the Community.

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Independence Day is this Saturday here in the United States. In honor of it, we present “A Nation’s Strength” by Ralph Waldo Emerson. The strength of any nation or community is found in the men (and women) who make it up, so be the best man you can be.

“A Nation’s Strength” by Ralph Waldo Emerson

What makes a nation’s pillars high
And its foundations strong?
What makes it mighty to defy
The foes that round it throng?


It is not gold. Its kingdoms grand
Go down in battle shock;
Its shafts are laid on sinking sand,
Not on abiding rock.


Is it the sword? Ask the red dust
Of empires passed away;
The blood has turned their stones to rust,
Their glory to decay.


And is it pride? Ah, that bright crown
Has seemed to nations sweet;
But God has struck its luster down
In ashes at his feet.


Not gold but only men can make
A people great and strong;
Men who for truth and honor’s sake
Stand fast and suffer long.


Brave men who work while others sleep,
Who dare while others fly…
They build a nation’s pillars deep
And lift them to the sky.

Hat tip to Bryce for this selection.

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Plenty of women, of course, have and will continue to write love letters. But as the sex that has historically been the “pursuer” in the relationship and often has trouble vocally expressing their feelings, writing love letters has traditionally been the purview of men.

It’s not always easy to express our feelings to our significant others. We’d rather show our love through actions. We feel that our love for someone is manifestly obvious, because after all, don’t we vacuum the house, and mow the lawn, and make them their favorite pancakes every Sunday morning? Our actions show that we’re faithful and true, and to us it feels like this should be enough.

But it’s not quite that way for a woman. Women definitely appreciate our acts of love, but their brains are also quite a bit more language oriented than ours. They want to hear the words behind the actions. They want to know exactly what’s in our hearts.

But it’s hard to not only find the right words to express how we feel about someone, but to also make it flow and sound real purty. It’s especially difficult when you’re sitting down with someone and trying to remember exactly what you wanted to say. Enter the love the letter.

Writing a fantastically romantic love letter can be a challenge, but that’s what you signed up for with this 30 Days project. So let’s get started.

Why Write a Love Letter

Love letters were definitely more popular in the past when soldiers were off fighting the Big One and men left on trips that took them away from their love for months or even years at a time. With the rise of modern means of communication, love letters, and letters generally, have fallen into disfavor.

But as we talked about in our letter writing post, letters have special properties that no modern form of communication can duplicate. It’s something tangible that we touch and hold and then pass to another to touch and hold. And they are preserved and cherished in a way that text messages or email never will be.

The love letters you give your wife or girlfriend are testaments in the history of your love. They constitute a record of your relationship that she’ll hold onto for the rest of her life (unless of course you break her heart and then the letters will give her the satisfaction of having something to burn or line the bird cage with).

Your love doesn’t have to be far away for you to write a letter to her. A love letter is appropriate even when you’re sleeping alongside your special someone every night. It’s a chance to express your feelings in a more ardent way than you do on a day to day basis.

A woman cannot hear too many times that’s she beautiful and that you love her. They’ll never get sick of it. They want to know that you still feel the same way as you did when you first met, heck, the same way you felt last Monday. When the John Edwardses and Mark Sanfords of the world dominate the news, a lady can be forgiven for wanting regular reassurance that you’re not about to go traipsing off to Argentina to cavort with your Latin lover.

How to Write a Love Letter

If you’re particularly in touch with your feelings and a great writer, then love letters may come easily to you. In that case, just sit down with pen and paper and let it rip. If you’re someone who has problems formulating a romantic love letter, we offer the following tips to guide the process.

1. Start off by stating the purpose of your letter. You want your love to know right away that this is a love letter and not a note to give her the brush off or to voice some kind of displeasure with the relationship. Begin with something like, “I was thinking today about how very much I love you, and how I really don’t tell you that enough. So I wanted to sit down and let you know how totally in love with you I really am.”

2. Recall a romantic memory. What’s special about couplehood is that the two of you have a shared history, a history that is unique to you and your love. Thus the best way to start a love letter is to refer to a shared memory; this conjures up feelings of your history together and scores you points for remembering details of your past. For example, begin by saying, “I still remember clearly the moment when you walked into Rob’s party, wearing that stunning red dress. You were smiling ear to ear and absolutely lit up the room. I knew immediately that I had to meet you. I went to the bathroom to try to summon up my courage and think of what to say. But it was no use; I was totally tongue tied when I approached you. I was smitten from the very start.”

3. Now transition to a section about the things you love about her. Move from your memory to the present with a line like, “And here we are more than a decade later, and you still leave me weak in the knees.”

4. Tell her all the things you love about her. Before you write this section, make a list on a separate sheet of paper of all the things you that you love about your significant other. Think about her physical characteristics, her personality, her character, and all the wonderful things she does for you. Then, turn the things you listed into sentences. “I truly think you are the most beautiful women in the world. I love the feeling of your legs intertwined with mine and the smell of your hair and skin. Your smile lifts my spirits on even my worst days. I love your laugh and your ability to find humor in every situation. I’m so grateful for everything you do for me, from your delicious dinners to your magnificent backrubs.”

5. Tell her how your life has changed since meeting her. “You truly complete me. These last few years have been the happiest of my life. I can’t tell you how lucky I feel to always have my best friend by my side.”

6. Reaffirm your love and commitment. “I will always love you, no matter what happens, through thick and thin. I will be absolutely true and faithful to you forever.”

7. End with a line that sums up your love. “I can’t wait to grow old with you.” “My love for you will never end.” “You are my best friend and soul mate and I will love you until the end of our lives.”

It’s okay to err on the side of cheesiness. The most important rule is to be completely authentic. Write only those things that you truly feel. This will prevent the letter from seeming over the top or incongruous with your personality and relationship.

If you need some inspiration before you start writing, read this letter and watch this video that we originally posted in our article about “How to Write a Love Letter Like a Soldier.” The letter was written in 1861 by Sullivan Ballou to his wife Sarah, a week before the Battle of Bull Run:

July the 14th, 1861


Washington D.C.


My very dear Sarah:


The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days-perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.


Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure-and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine O God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing-perfectly willing-to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.


But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows-when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children-is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country?


I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death-and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.


I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often advocated before the people and “the name of honor that I love more than I fear death” have called upon me, and I have obeyed.


Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.


The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me-perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar-that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.


Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.


But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night-amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours-always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.


Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.


As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father’s love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue-eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God’s blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.


Sullivan

After you read the letter listen to a shortened version in this clip from Ken Burn’s Civil War documentary. It is set to the achingly beautiful “Ashokan Farewell.”  The letter begins around 40 second mark:





Hopefully, you are now fully inspired to write your lady a romantic love letter. One need not wait until they are nigh unto death to make their feelings known. Each day could be your last; tell her how you feel right now.

And if you are single, write a love poem to hone your romantic writing skills.

Whatever you do, report back to the Community that you completed the task and how your love reacted to the letter.

• Write A Love Letter Like A Soldier
• 30 Days to a Better Man Day 14: Write a Letter to Your Father
• The Art of Letter Writing
• 30 Days to a Better Man Wrap-Up
• Spark Up Your Marriage: 4 Ways to Date Your Wife All Over Again

The first thing I’d like to bring to your attention is the fact that we have a couple of contests that have been running during this month that are ending June 30. So if you’ve been meaning to enter them, don’t delay!

• Do you have a great photo of you as a dad or someone else being a dad? Submit it to the Father-themed photo contest that the Communiuty PhotoGroup is running. The winner gets a Hawaiiabera shirt.

• Sign up for the Toilet Paper’s daily newsletter and you could win an Amazon Kindle.

The 30 Days to a Better Man Challenge

We’re now in the final stretch of the 30 Days to a Better Man Project! There are but 3 tasks left to complete. Don’t give up now; finish strong. Remember, what really counts is how we play in the fourth quarter when we’re all tuckered out.

Here’s a rundown of what we worked on this week:

Day 21: Write Your Own Eulogy. It’s always good to confront your mortality from time to time. The realization that you will one day be six feet under should motivate you to seize the day! What do you hope people say about you at your funeral? Let us know in the Community.

Day 22: Improve Your Posture. Parents and teachers didn’t tell you to stand up straight just to bug you. Proper posture nets you several real benefits, including improved focus, health, and confidence. So stop slouching and tell us about how great it feels to sit up straight in the Community.

Day 23: Learn a Manual Skill. Being handy and learning a craft gives you a sense of satisfaction that cannot be duplicated or imitated. So pick a manual skill you’ve always wanted to learn and go to it. Let us know what you’ve chosen to learn in the Community.

Day 24: Play! All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and a dull man. Play is essential part of a healthy and satisfying life. Tell us how you played this week in the Community.

Day 25: Start a Debt Reduction Plan. Debt is enslaving and keeps a man from becoming totally independent and self-reliant. Don’t just ignore it and pretend like it’s not there; start attacking that ugly debt today. Tell us how you’re going to go about slaying your debt in the Community.

Day 26: Take the Marine Corps Fitness Challenge. It’s one thing to gauge our fitness in our minds, and another entirely to put your bodies to the test. By taking the Marines Corps Fitness Challenge, you’ll get a needed gut check and some solid motivation to get in better shape. Take the test and post your results in the Community.

Day 27: Start a Book. It’s DEAR time! Drop Everything and Read. It’s time to turn off the tube, step away from the computer, and dive into a good book. Let us know what you’re reading in the Community.

Around the Community This Week

Padraic started a discussion about the most recent politician to be caught having an affair, Mark Sanford. Padraic is annoyed with the number of prominent men who have lately fallen from grace, but Joseph says that what happens in the bedroom isn’t as important as the kind of job a man does. What say ye?

Todd started a discussion of what constitutes a manly work ethic and how to develop one.

Christopher, who makes hand-bound moleskine-esque notebooks, has posted a picture of a sample of his work.

Brian posed this question, “What’s your favorite cologne?”

Well, Stephen Farrar needed some advice about what to expect from West Point, and this week, kpeckham is seeking some tips from those who attended the Air Force Academy.

Cristatos posted a blog post about his adventures in India and his quest to track down a masterful hunter of man-eating tigers.

Rich Kauffman posted a great essay about why he performs service.

In the Philosophers Group, Shaun Daws posed his usual interesting questions, like:

Is there honor in war?

Is hunting for sport an ethical pursuit?

Weigh in on a discussion Jacob started in the Beer Appreciation Society: What is your favorite of the cheap stuff?

Speaking of beer, Adam asked his fellow home brewers what they’ve been brewing lately.

• 30 Days to a Better Man Wrap-Up
• Weekly Link Round: Week 3 of 30 Days to a Better Man
• Weekly Link Round-Up: Week 2 of 30 Days to a Better Man
• 30 Days to a Better Man Day 25: Start a Debt Reduction Plan
• The Weekly Link Round-Up: Week One of the 30 Days to a Better Man Project

Today, we’re going to turn the page (so to speak) on the dearth of men not reading books. But before we begin, let’s just quickly review some of the benefits of reading.

The Benefits of Reading

Of course, the greatest benefit of reading is simply the pleasure that it gives you. Reading is an unmatchable pastime for relaxing and wiling away some time. Besides being thoroughly enjoyable, it has even more benefits:

Improves your writing. The ability to write well is a skill that will set you apart from your peers. Of course, if you want to become a skilled writer, you must practice writing. But in addition to writing, reading the words of great authors can also help you improve.  As you read, you’ll begin to notice patterns and sentence formations that work well. If you’re constantly reading quality writing, it’s hard for some of it not to rub off on your own writing.

Provides fodder for conversation. Some of the best conversations begin with the simple question, “Read any good books lately?”You don’t want your answer to be, “Uhhhhh, no. But dude, have you checked out Keyboard Cat?” By reading good books, you build yourself a storehouse of conversation topics that are engaging and interesting.

Improves concentration and focus. With the internet and its millions of mindless distractions, concentrating and focusing on a single task has become more and more difficult. If you feel like you’ve become particularly distraction prone, reading a book could be just the prescription you need. Unlike blog posts and magazine articles that can be read in a matter of minutes, reading a book requires extended periods of concentration and focus. You’re not surfing around, feeding your brain an endless supply of new stimulation. It’s just you and the text. If you set aside time to read a book every day, you’ll start to notice a strengthening of your attention span.

Increases creativity. A creative person doesn’t just create new ideas out of thin air. He takes already existing ideas and cross pollinates them to create something entirely new. By exposing yourself to different ideas in the pages of books, you create a breeding ground in your mind for new ideas to grow.

Makes you a better man. Do you want to be a better man? Then read the biographies of great men.  The lives of great men contain numerous lessons that are just as applicable to us today. I feel  I’ve gotten more out of reading a biography of a hero of mine than I have with any so-called self-improvement book. With a biography, you can see concrete principles of manliness in action instead of just reading abstract advice. If you’re looking for a biography that will really inspire, I suggest The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt. (Big surprise, huh?)

Broadens your perspective. No matter how far and wide you travel and how many interesting people you meet, you can never have the breadth of experiences contained within the world’s great books. Through reading, you can experience what’s it’s like to grow up fatherless, sail along with barbarous pirates, fly a plane in World War II, and climb Mt. Everest, all without leaving your armchair. Books help you gain greater insight and empathy than could be mined from your personal life alone.

Today’s Task: Start a Book

Start a book. Any book. Pick one of your favorite novels from high school or college. Choose a book that you’ve been forever meaning to read and have been continually putting off. Pick a book from the Essential Men’s Library or our list of great fictional adventure books and go to the library to check it out. Once you’ve selected your book, we’re going harness our inner third grader  and D.E.A.R it up.  You know. Drop Everything And Read. Read for at least 30 minutes today. Your brain and soul will thank you later.

Once you’ve picked your book, tell us what you’ll be reading in the Community. Then slowly step away from the keyboard, sink into a nice man chair, and get lost in your book.

• Manvotional: Of Studies by Francis Bacon
• The Best of Art of Manliness: May 2008
• The Best of The Art of Manliness: September 2008
• The Art of Manliness Weekly Roundup: Man Store Edition
• 30 Days to a Better Man Wrap-Up

“Get Yo Abs Right Mayo’nnaise!”

Editor’s note: If today’s challenge to take the Marines Corps Fitness test humbles you into wanting to get into better shape, starting out with a bodyweight workout is an excellent way to go. Here, Jim Smith from Diesel Crew lays out a great plan for one.

Many men don’t realize that serious muscle and strength can be built with just bodyweight exercises.  Not only that, bodyweight only workouts can be high intensity and done in quick training sessions throughout the week.

Many men don’t have time to spend hours in the gym because they have families, they work long hours or they are just too busy going out on dates. Yet they still want to stay in fighting shape. For them, a short, intense bodyweight workout is just what the doctor ordered.

So what are the ground rules when you are setting up your bodyweight training routines?

• You should definitely include as many full body movements as you can to jack up the intensity and decrease the time of the workout
• You can increase the intensity of the bodyweight movements by doing more reps, decreasing the rest time between exercises or by changing the angle of the movement
• If you can’t do movements with your full bodyweight, you can change the angle or use elastic bands to deload the movement

Why is bodyweight training so effective?

The most basic form of all training is bodyweight training. Being able to move your own body in all 3 anatomical planes of motion; sagittal, frontal and transverse, or in real world situations, is the key to more fluid movements and injury prevention.  In fact, many trainers won’t allow their lifters to pick up any weights until they “master” bodyweight training.  This might be a little extreme, but the state of fitness in the US is very sad when many people, even kids, can’t efficiently move their own bodyweight.

At a fundamental level, bodyweight training improves:

• Balance
• Coordination
• Mobility
• Reactiveness
• Stability
• Weaknesses

So you can see, as you improve your ability to control your body, it will become your strength foundation moving forward when you begin to engage progressively resisted strength training exercises.

There are some rules that should be followed for any training session or workout program.  Every session must be started with some dynamic movements to charge or excite the central nervous system, increase your core temperature and prepare you for the upcoming demands of the routine.

Here is a sample bodyweight workout:

Warm-up

1. Glute Bridges, 3×15

2. Tin Men’s, 1 min

3. Piriformis Stretch, 2×5 each leg

Workout

1A)  Beyond the Range Push-ups, 3×20

1B)  Bulgarian Split Squats, 3×10 each leg

2A)  Pull-ups, 3×8

2B)  Walk Walkouts, 2x 1 min (AMAP*, As Many As Possible)

The Warm-up

Warm-up Exercise #1:  Glute Bridges

This movement activates the glutes and hamstrings which are responsible for hip extension and hip abduction.  Make sure it is the contraction of the glutes and hamstrings that elevate the hips for each rep, not just driving the feet downward and hyperextending the lower back.  If done correctly, it is a short range movement.

Warm-up Exercise #2:  Tin Men

After we activate the glutes and hamstrings, we will work on some dynamic movements.  Walking back and forth, the lifter will swing their legs in an alternating fashion while making sure their torso and hips remain in neutral alignment.

Warm-up Exercise #3:  Piriformis Stretch

This movement improves hip mobility and pelvic alignment.  This is a great movement to supplement with Tin Men’s because it further improves hip movement by stretching the hip abductors.

The Workout

1A) Beyond the Range Push-ups

This movement is not only great for activating more muscle fibers and improving shoulder strength and stability, it also builds a big chest.  Beyond the range push-ups are done with the hands on an elevated surface like blocks or swings.  The swing variation adds much more difficulty to the movement because of the instability factor.

1B)  Bulgarian Split Squats

Unilateral movements are often forgotten in the gym where deadlifts and squats rule.  But they are essential for maintaining a balance in the hip ad/abductors; they improve knee stability and have real world carryover to everyday life and movement.

2A)  Pull-ups

One of the best, if not the best mass builder for the back.  Pull-ups have too many variations to list, but here are a few:

• Shoulder width – conventional
• Wide grip
• Side to side
• Chin-ups
• Narrow grip
• Towel pull-ups
• L-sit pull-ups

If you have any elbow issues, a narrower grip on the end of a pull-up should be used:

2B)  Wall Walkouts

At this point we’ve improved our hip mobility, strengthened our upper and lower bodies, and now we will hit the core.  Wall walkouts seem very simple, a movement where you start in a handstand against the wall and then you walk out until you are parallel to the ground.  At that point, you walk your hands back to the starting position.  Well, it is not quite that simple.  This movement will kick your butt, quickly.  Not only will you be building a strong core (anti-extension) but you will develop serious shoulder strength and stability.

Well, there you have it, a quick, high intensity bodyweight routine.  Remember, kettlebells, barbells, dumbbells, sandbags and everything else are tools to get you to a goal.  They are not the end all, be all.

Jim Smith, CSCS is a highly sought after lecturer, author, consultant and strength coach at http://www.dieselcrew.com/.  Jim is an expert writer for Men’s Fitness and a member of the Elite Fitness Q/A staff.  Jim’s just released his new killer product for building muscle, while losing fat – all with only 3 short muscle building workouts a week – click here.

• Become Strong Like Bull: The Kettlebell Workout
• Get Bigger & Stronger with Stronglifts.com
• 5 Ways Strength Training Will Make You Man Up
• Do More Than One Stinking Pull-Up
• 7 Exercises to Make You Look and Feel Like a Man

During the 30 Days to a Better Man project, we’ve been doing a lot exercises for our mind and character, but it’s equally important to exercise our bodies. A man’s health is his most important asset. If you suffer from chronic health problems, it can take a toll on your job, on your bank account, on your family, and on your psyche. And being out of shape and unhealthy saps one’s manly confidence and spirit. Unfortunately, for the past few decades, the fitness level of men, particularly American men, has been going down hill. With cars replacing walking as the primary mode of transportation and desk jobs replacing manual labor, men have become more and more sedentary.

There may have been a time when you were in pretty good shape. Maybe it was in high school or college. But since then, you’ve gotten a job, a mortgage, a wife, and 2.5 kids. But in your mind’s eye, you still think you’re the guy who could bench press 300 lbs and run the 40 yard dash in 4.5 seconds. You might be a bit softer, but overall you feel good.  But the mind can play tricks on you. Slowly through the years the body adjusts itself to a less active lifestyle. The change happens so gradually, that you don’t even notice it. That is until you try to lift a big bag of dirt for your garden or play a pick-up game of basketball. And you’re hit with the realization that you’re not the strapping lad you once were.

While humbling moments like the ones mentioned above can give you somewhat of an idea of your fitness level, an actual fitness test can do a better job because numbers don’t lie. So today we’re going to give ourselves a gut check by taking a physical fitness test. And not just any physical fitness test. We’re taking the U.S. Marine Corps Fitness Test.

How to Perform the Marine Corps Fitness Test

The Marine Corps Fitness tests consists of three exercises: pull-ups, crunches, and a 3.0 mile run. The events are “designed to test the strength and stamina of the upper body, midsection, and lower body, as well as the efficiency of the cardiovascular system.”((MCPFTBCP Sec. 2000(1)))

All the exercises are to be performed in “one single session, not to exceed two hours.”((MCPFTBCP Sec. 2100(2))) Since it’s just you who’s doing the test and not an entire squadron of Marines, it should take you about an hour.

Pull-ups

Find yourself a pull-up bar. If you don’t have one, just go to a park and use the monkey bars. They’re perfect for pull-ups. I also highly recommend investing in the Iron Gym Pull-Up Bar. It’s one of the best and most useful things I ever bought. And you’ll be able to use it at home once the fitness test is done to keep improving your strength.

To begin the test, grab the bar, both palms facing either forward or towards you. I would do it palms facing towards you. It’s easier that way.

The correct starting position begins with your arms fully extended beneath the bar and your feet off the ground.

One rep consists of raising the body with the arms until the chin is above the bar and then lowering your body until your arms are fully extended. The object of this test is to measure your performance from a dead hang position. Thus, whipping, leg kicking, or leg kipping are not allowed and pull-ups using these assistance methods do not count.

You don’t have a time limit to perform your pull-ups, but as soon as you let go, the test is over.

Abdominal Crunches

The ab crunch test has a two minute limit. Perform as many crunches as you can in two minutes.

Cross your arms across your chest or rib cage with no gap existing between the arms and chest/rib cage. Both arms must remain in constant contact with the chest/rib cage throughout the exercise. A single repetition consists of raising your upper body from the starting position until both forearms or elbows simultaneously touch the thighs, and then returning to the starting position with the shoulder blades touching the ground.

Your butt must remain in constant contact with the ground.

You can have a buddy hold your  legs or feet, at or below the knees. If you don’t have a buddy, place your feet under a couch or some other sturdy object.

3.0 Mile Run

Mark out a 3 mile course. One way of doing this is to reset your car’s trip odometer and drive a flat course in your neighborhood to mark out the 3 miles. Another idea is to go to a high school or college track. It’s flat, clear of any obstacles, and it’s measured out for you. Four times around the track is one mile. So for three miles, you’ll have to run around it twelve times.

Time yourself with a stopwatch to see how fast you can run 3.o miles. Run as fast as you can.

Marine Corps Physical Fitness Test Scoring

Each Marine is given a numeric score based on his performance in each event. Based on the total points of the three events, a Marine will be assigned to a physical fitness test class. First class being the highest and third class being the lowest. In order to get the highest possible score on the test you’d have to perform 20 pull-ups, do 100 crunches in 2 minutes, and run 3 miles in 18:00 minutes. Below are a series of charts that shows how scoring and class are determined:

Minimum Fitness Requirements

The Department of the Navy has established minimum fitness requirements for all Marines depending on their age to ensure that they’re ready for combat. Most of us probably won’t see action in Afghanistan, but if you can meet the fitness requirements for these tests, you’ll know that you have the physical condition to take on most of life’s challenges. The minimum requirements below would give a soldier enough points to meet a class three standard.

After you establish your base, start working on improving through regular exercise. Take the test again in a month to see how much you’ve improved. Try making it a goal to score a perfect 300 on the test.

Today’s Task: Take the Marine Corps Fitness Test

Take an hour after work today and do the Marine Corps Fitness Test. No matter what kind of shape you’re in, it will help you know how fit you are, give you a benchmark to base future progression and regression on, and grant you either some motivation to improve or a sense of satisfaction that you’re ready for action. Tally up your score and share it with us in the Community!

• 30 Days to a Better Man Wrap-Up
• Do More Than One Stinking Pull-Up
• 7 Exercises to Make You Look and Feel Like a Man
• Become Strong Like Bull: The Kettlebell Workout
• Say Goodbye to Your Gut: 3 Mental Preparations to Starting a Fitness Routine

Once again we return to our So You Want My Job series, in which we interview men who are employed in desirable man jobs and ask them about the reality of their work and for advice on how men can live their dream.

For this installment we interviewed, Dan Skidmore. Like Joe Cope before him, Dan proves that you can have both a regular day job and doing something you love on the side. Dan is a Ph.D statistician by day and a professional guitarist every chance he gets.  He really rocked out this interview for us. Thanks Dan.

You can read more about Dan and listen to some of his sweet riffs here.

1. Tell us a little about yourself (Where are you from? How old are you? Where did you go to school? Describe your job and how long you’ve been at it, etc).

I earned my Ph.D. in Sociology about ten years ago from the University of Connecticut. Since that time I’ve worked in government and the private sector in and around Washington D.C. More recently I moved back to my hometown in upstate NY. I’m currently a director of Institutional Research at a local college.

I’m also a single dad of two great girls and a professional guitarist. I’ve been at the guitar thing since my first high school band 27 years ago and have played pretty much everything imaginable at this level of the industry, from tiny clubs to 10,000-person festivals. (Note: you know you’re in a tiny club when the club mascot is a goat – a real live goat – and it’s walking around the bar.) Most of my work is in and around a metropolitan area of about 700,000 people.

I’m what some in the music industry call a “weekend warrior.” How can you tell if you’re a weekend warrior? If every time you need a long power cord to run your electric weed whacker you have to dig through your equipment bag from Friday night’s gig, you’re probably a weekend warrior. If all the 9-volt batteries have been removed from the smoke detectors in your house to run your effects pedals, you’re probably a weekend warrior…. You get the picture.

2. Did you ever consider trying to play music as your full-time gig? When and how did you decide to combine being a guitarist with a more standard day job?

I never saw music as a full-time profession. I’m one of four or five people in my family who performs regularly, or has done so in the past, and none of us have tried to make a living at it. Very few of the people I work with in the music business do this as their only source of income – and a lot of the cats who do are perpetually broke. For most, the economics just aren’t there.

My sister and I were talking about music at a family gathering last year. We were complaining to each other about what a pain gigs, rehearsals, practice, and other musicians in general are, when we both stopped and laughed at ourselves. Why bother, particularly when it involves so little money?

What we concluded was that – forgive me for sounding cliché – it is in our blood. If I were to quit everything tomorrow, within a week I would be staring at my calendar thinking: “Hey look. All my Thursday’s are open. I should call so-and-so and see who’s looking for a guitarist.” Sad but true.

3. Did you ever feel pressure from family and friends to give up your guitar playing?

I’ve received a lot of support from my parents and brother and sisters for what I do, and most of my close friends are involved in the business in one form or another. Everyone in my family has seen at least a few of my performances and helped me in other ways, like watching my girls when I can’t get coverage. I am extremely grateful for that kind of support. No one does this type of work without a lot of help from family and friends.

4. Are you a guitar playing weekend warrior for the money, for your passion for the music, or for some combination of both?

My equipment pays for itself, and this endeavor provides extra cash so that I can take the girls out to eat or to a movie, or pick up a bottle of wine for my special person (who is also a musician) and me, without having to stop at the ATM every other day. Guitar playing pays for one of my girl’s summer camp and a good share of the groceries. In contrast, I think about guys who pay thousands every year for golf equipment, fees, lessons, etc. I make thousands (not many, but at least a few) each year doing what I love. It’s the best part-time job imaginable.

As for the “passion for the music,” I go back and forth on this a lot. I spend most of my private practice time working up arrangements of standard jazz songs for solo guitar. This is the type of music that I find the most challenging and satisfying to play. However, the bulk of my performance time involves playing music in a club for people to dance to in between buying beers.

So there is a passion for playing music, but as a professional musician you’re frequently in a position where you are playing music that is selected by someone else. That doesn’t mean it is unpleasant or laborious. But it does mean that you better be passionate about “music” in general, and not just whatever small sub-genre speaks to you most. The money comes from a combination of performing, accompaniment, and teaching. You need to be flexible.

5. How did you go about building a following and finding paying gigs? Do you have any tips for finding work and venues to play?

If you are interested in this profession there are two things you need to understand. First, the music business is a business. For the general business (i.e. clubs, functions) bands I’ve worked for, we paid booking agents to go out and shake the trees. Agents use a promotion pack the group assembles that includes pictures, bios, references, and a CD. To secure my position as a church accompanist I went directly to music directors of local churches with my music resume and professional references in hand and arranged to play a service with them gratis.

Whether you are selling entertainment, ambience, program music, or, in the case of lessons and coaching, guidance, you are selling your musicianship. Just like selling anything else you need to maximize every opportunity you get to present your wares to paying clients. For example, if I don’t know you and you ask me something about guitars or guitar playing, you will walk away from me carrying a few of my music business cards for you and anyone you know who might be interested in my playing. Business cards cost practically nothing, and a one- or two-percent hit rate on a stack of 200 cards is two or three engagements or students you might not have otherwise had – and gigs and students create more gigs and students.

Second, this business is run on word of mouth and contacts. Practically all of the work I do comes through personal connections. In my small city there is some chance that at some point you are going to share a stage with any musician you meet. If you’re working with people you don’t know, be nice. Smile. Shake hands. Be professional. Keep your word. Make them want to work with you again. The same goes for club owners and hiring managers at facilities. Respect their property and their need to make money and there’s a good chance you will be on their call list. Burn them and you are done. Always always be professional, even if the people you’re dealing with might not be.

If you’re noodling away in your basement wondering how to get from there to the stage, the first step is to get out of the basement and start working with others. Music is a social activity. Play with and/or in front of people every chance you get. Check your local Craigslist or musicians’ want ads for opportunities to play. Respect and learn from those who play better than you and from those who might not play as well as you do – I learn tons of stuff from my students simply because they are interested in music I might not otherwise look at. By taking these steps you cultivate both your musicianship and your connections.

If you’ve already got a band then get your materials together and go book a paying gig. Right now. Go. Gigs are the carrots and the sticks that keep a band moving forward. Without gigs bands tend to spin in foolish, self-destructive circles that waste everyone’s time and energy.

6. What is the best part of the job?

This will come as no surprise to anyone: the best part of the job is the rush you get when you are in the middle of playing good music for a good crowd. Besides that, I feel tremendously fortunate to be able to play with the wonderful musicians I play with. Additionally, I got a call earlier this year from a local producer who needed a guitarist to work a show that included a national act. A high-profile gig like that is the culmination of years of work on both musicianship and getting to know the musicians and producers in your area. My partner, who is also a musician, is a first-call accompanist in this region. She has also had calls to work for national acts because she is a fantastic player and she is wonderful to work with. It is immensely satisfying to receive opportunities such as these.

7. What is the worst part of the job?

The worst part of being a weekend warrior is the hours. Take last week for example. Between rehearsal, a gig, services, and my oldest girl’s soccer game (I coach), I came sliding into Sunday night on about twelve hours of sleep since the preceding Thursday. On top of this I was sick the entire weekend with a nasty sinus infection. But, because this job is the way it is, the show must go on – literally.

8. What is the biggest misconception people have about the job?

Without a doubt, the single biggest misconception people have about being a professional guitarist is that it is all about your technique on guitar – how many licks you know, how fast you can play, etc. True, you have to have a certain base level of musicianship to make music professionally. You need to know music – speak the language – and know your instrument. You need to play the right notes, at the right time, and do so in a musically-pleasing fashion. This is particularly critical when you are playing in an ensemble or accompanying someone. Those people are depending on you.

That said, notice that this is the first time in this entire interview where I have even mentioned musicianship. Unless you are Yngwie Malmsteen, being a professional guitarist is primarily about relating to and working well with other musicians. I bet even Mr. Malmsteen has had to say he’s sorry a couple times.

For example, one band I worked for was auditioning bass players. Following the auditions, we talked not only about each bassist’s skills, but also about what we termed his “potential jerk factor.” (We actually used a different word for “jerk.”) We would be spending a lot of time with anyone we hired. Is he pleasant to be around? Is he likely to show up for things on time? Will he do his share of all the work that goes into a gig? These considerations are at least as important as the musicianship. Any working musician will take a solid player with a good attitude over a virtuoso who is a pain.

9. You’re a single dad with two kids. How do you balance playing music with watching the kiddos?

You have to recognize that you only have time for a limited number of activities – there is no slack. You have to prioritize. I turned off the cable TV years ago. Last spring I took out all the landscaping on my lawn so it requires the barest minimum of attention during the summer when I am busiest. Why? Because watching sports and weeding the flower beds are not my highest priorities – being a dad to my girls, a good man for my partner, and a good guitarist are. Everything goes up against those priorities and is either made to fit or is discarded. These priorities are non-negotiable.

Logistically, most of the work I do with the guitar takes place after my girls go to bed. I schedule rehearsals, lessons and gigs for the two or three nights a week they spend with their mother. The upside of all this is, because I have eliminated a lot of the distractions in our home, we actually have more time to spend together. Weeknights typically involve a combination of homework, dinner, laundry, baths, board games, or maybe a DVD together (if it’s not too late). They get their whole dad the whole night. And after they go to bed, I go to my studio where everything is set to go so I can get through what I need to get through efficiently.

10. Any other advice, tips, or anecdotes you’d like to share?

According to Music Trades magazine, about three-million guitars are sold in the US every year. You can’t swing a Stratocaster in any decent-sized town without hitting a few guitar players. What this means is, as a guitarist, you are the single most dispensable musician on the planet. Keep this in mind every single time you pick up the instrument to practice. Focus on practicing what you need to be able to play to get and keep the job. Remember, there are guys lined up behind you for every gig. I might be one of them, and, I guarantee you, if I want that gig then I have practiced my ass off for it. If you don’t have it together, that job will be mine before I take my guitar out of the case.

If you stay at it long enough there are experiences on this job that you will have nowhere else. One group I worked for scheduled a “mini-tour” every summer where we would line up a couple out-of-town gigs and stay in a hotel in between. One year we played a Fourth of July celebration for this municipality outside of NYC on a portable stage in the middle of a football field for 10,000 people. The next morning, after replacing one of the tour vehicles that died (another story), we started driving to a tiny corporate party at a retreat facility somewhere in the Catskill mountains. We got off the highway onto a secondary road. Then we turned off that road onto this little one-lane road through the woods that, after a few miles, turned into a dirt path. After a few miles of this the entire entourage (three vehicles, a trailer, 12 people) was convinced that we were actually hired to be the human sacrifice for the night. Well, we finally reached the place…, and it is fantastic. Open bar. Free food. Fireworks. A man-made swimming pond. A gorgeous retreat house. Everything, out in the middle of the woods. They actually built a pavilion for us to play in with a dressing room attached. And when we were all done we were tipped a couple hundred extra dollars over our already nicely-padded fee. Nobody gets that excited about what I do in my straight job!

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